#diary entry of the day

[cottaegecore]

kafka

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i dont even feel relief after my semester ending. i only feel tired and mentally drained. i wanted to stay in bed all day today but im not allowed to (because the "why are you acting depressed when you're fine youre so lazy" attitude of my family) so i decided to get up before anyone could tell me to. and now im on my computer, but i dotn want to do anything. i dont really want to listen to music, only kind of, and i dont want to draw. i dont have any motivation and nothing i draw looks good compared to others anyway, all the effort i put in is pointless. i dont feel hungry but i dont feel tired, i dont feel up to anything or like i want to do anything. the memories have been so bad lately i cant go a day without remembering it anymore, im stuck in the incident forever and its been hard to do anything. i cant distract myself anymore. it made work harder and it was difficult to pay attention in classes, i cant even get myself to move or stand up at home. i have two months until my next semester starts and i really dont know what to do with myself during that time. i feel bad im not feeling any kind of satisfaction or "its finally over!" after my semester but i cant seem to feel those more positive feelings about it. i didnt think college would be so hard in general or on my mental health. i wanted to end it all multiple times and had multiple breakdowns, and i came extremely close to attempting twice. i applied for classes for next semester but i dont know why if it will probably be just as bad, if not worse. im hoping it gets better like my family says, but im not feeling confident. maybe it will. ill just have to keep going, somehow. ive been feeling so bad in general i contemplate ending it every day, the idea of having to keep going seems impossible. i really want to disappear before the end of the year, but at the same time i want to live to 2024.i probably sound stupid. im going to go make tea and attempt to draw something.

[churchofgrini]

I have this curse that always makes me like the character whit the least content made by the fandom no matter what media they are from and then I have to make it myself

[the-most-sublime-fool]

Then, too, at sea—to use a homely but expressive phrase—you miss a man so much. A dozen men are shut up together in a little bark, upon the wide, wide sea, and for months and months see no forms and hear no voices but their own, and one is taken suddenly from among them, and they miss him at every turn. It is like losing a limb. There are no new faces or new scenes to fill up the gap. There is always an empty berth in the forecastle, and one man wanting when the small night watch is mustered. There is one less to take up the wheel, and one less to lay out with you upon the yard. You miss his form, and the sound of his voice, for habit had made them almost necessary to you, and each of your senses feels the loss.

—a sailor's diary entry, on losing a shipmate, ca. 1834 (from Two Years Before the Mast by Richard Henry Dana Jr.)

[bandofchimeras]

monologue of the day

yknow i was standing there staring out over the town like a right proper disney villian today contemplating my many and various delusions of grandeur, ambitions, schemes, visions of possible futures,etc.

and how deflated my self esteem has gotten from the gap between the measly and minor things I can or do actually carry out. and asking, why do these small things seem not to matter? they matter when others do them. but not me?

and it seems the root of this is a fierce and raging judgement leveled at my parents for never following their passions, and dreams, never fully feeding their creativity, for instead passing it on like this heavy unopened package for us kids to manifest for them. at least this is how i understood my assignment in life - not to exist, or enjoy, but to fulfill some ancestral longing, some duty, to break a cycle. and how what largely, has broken my mind is this insistent weight, this need to prove I can break that cycle, i can become what has been left unexpressed...reading What My Bones know, the section about ancestral epigenetics preventing certain traits from expressing. its like actually living my life has gone neglected while all my mental & emotional capacity are turned toward trying to crack some intergenerational strongbox code. and no, it is not fair. but also I have to ask who am I even doing this for? and bam! hit me in the chest. i'm doing what my parents did, because i kind of have to: living for the next generation. passing on the chance of success. it is too late for me, in many ways. not the right environment. too much to change. exhausted. services unclear how to access. but i did leave certain ways of being, religion. i did come out. my cousin did too but we have hundreds of family members and no one else has. that does take work and strength. my primary anxiety is that all this work will come to nothing, mean nothing, that i will die and be forgotten and all my dreams will die with me. in some ways, i want this. i want a karmic restart, some new soul to try again and maybe have a fucking chance this time. the only reason i stay alive on dark days is because my siblings don't deserve to be haunted by my baggage in the form of a life taken too soon. i've dreamt of and spoken with queer dead who passed that way, who warned me to leave where i was. and this makes it hard to bond with people who simply, live their lives and have contentment. i have yet to reconcile the ancestral weight with my sense of individual being on this earth, my rights versus responsibilities. there are unwell dead with me, there are cycles, and the friends who cluster to my side, when we find eachother, we find the same story: alcholism, mental illness, bipolar, sickness, illnes, transness, death,ghosts, creativity locked in a stronghold. i'm so tired of this story but its not the kind you can just close and bury again - like a cursed object in a horror movie, it will resurface and haunt somewhere else. it must be destroyed like the Ring in the fires it came from. you have to find the root, no matter the cost, no matter the loss, even if it is of your own life and sanity and ability to enjoy. i hate this reality, of addiction and suffering and repression and death, but it is with us and must be carried by some of us even if we want to put it down for awhile and just dance.

[waywardsunlight]

Underrated Owl House Glowup

[afairycreature]

[lonelyohsolonelyghostgirl]

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭, 𝐰𝐞'𝐫𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐬

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐥𝐝...

[julykings]

by candlelight

[deslizada]

finally finished the first quilt I ever pieced! it's a goddamn disaster. I have to go pick up my ketamine nose spray now. cat for scale

[edwardian-girl-next-door]

Tuesday, 27 August 1918

"It was the first autumn day, warm, softly blue, & blurred with haze."

~ Virginia Woolf, The Diary of Virginia Woolf, vol. 1 (1915-1919), ed. Anne Olivier Bell

[qumiiiquinnquin]

today was pretty okay

i woke up late again at after 11am. i didnt socialize with anyone because i felt like i dont deserve to, like nobody appreciates my company and im better off alone and quiet, and then it led to thoughts of feeling completely unlovable, useless, better to just completely isolate from everyone and never leave my house or ever talk to anyone (delete all my contacts, deactivate all my accounts, etc). i dont know or remember what made me feel better

my sibling had to come home early from school today because they werent feeling well and were in pain, so i helped them out as soon as they got home from being picked up early like having them use our heating pad and gave them tylenol. they ended up feeling a lot better so thats good :). also played some animal crossing with them and that was fun

i also helped my grandma bake today, i typically dont because cooking and baking dont interest me (i cant even cook eggs so i am likely going to d*e as soon as i live alone) but it was a lot of fun :)

and now im drawing at almost 1 in the morning. im gonna clean a bit tomorrow and my sibling gets out of school early tomorrow :). its supposed to rain tomorrow and has been raining all day today (yesterday) and its supposed to continue until saturday

[bykremi]

just a few shots from the new vlog (watch here)

[sophiesonlinediary]

i had a crush on this guy for 3-4 years and he knew how to play guitar super well and one day he dedicated the song “you got a friend in me” from toy story to me 😭💀

which was brutal and everyonce in a while during covid he’d send me a video of him playing that song on guitar. i dont talk with him anymore but i hope he’s doing well

and that’s the worst way i’ve ever heard anyone be friendzoned

[drawfee-quot3s]

yeah sorry i can't make it to the thing tonight, it's just that, um, airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

i'm sorry i can't make it to dinner tonight, i could really use a wish right now (wish right now)

- jacob + karina

[vulcanette]