#diagnosis later in life but not yet an adult

[crunchycrystals]

i just finished reading unmasking autism by devon price and i need to buy this book so bad

[burntoutdaydreamer]

Weird Brain Hacks That Help Me Write

I'm a consistently inconsistent writer/aspiring novelist, member of the burnt-out-gifted-kid-to-adult-ADHD-diagnosis-pipeline, recently unemployed overachiever, and person who's sick of hearing the conventional neurotypical advice to dealing with writer's block (i.e. "write every single day," or "there's no such thing as writer's block- if you're struggling to write, just write" Like F*CK THAT. Thank you, Brenda, why don't you go and tell someone with diabetes to just start producing more insulin?)

I've yet to get to a point in my life where I'm able to consistently write at the pace I want to, but I've come a long way from where I was a few years ago. In the past five years I've written two drafts of a 130,000 word fantasy novel (currently working on the third) and I'm about 50,000 words in on the sequel. I've hit a bit of a snag recently, but now that I've suddenly got a lot of time on my hands, I'm hoping to revamp things and return to the basics that have gotten me to this point and I thought I might share.

1) My first draft stays between me and God

I find that I and a lot of other writers unfortunately have gotten it into our heads that first drafts are supposed to resemble the finished product and that revisions are only for fixing minor mistakes. Therefore, if our first draft sucks that must mean we suck as writers and having to rewrite things from scratch means that means our first draft is a failure.

I'm here to say that is one of the most detrimental mentalities you can have as a writer.

Ever try drawing a circle? You know how when you try to free-hand draw a perfect circle in one go, it never turns out right? Whereas if you scribble, say, ten circles on top of one another really quickly and then erase the messy lines until it looks like you drew a circle with a singular line, it ends up looking pretty decent?

Yeah. That's what the drafting process is.

Your first draft is supposed to suck. I don't care who you are, but you're never going to write a perfect first draft, especially if you're inexperienced. The purpose of the first draft is to lay down a semi-workable foundation. A really loose, messy sketch if you will. Get it all down on paper, even if it turns out to be the most cliche, cringe-inducing writing you've ever done. You can work out those kinks in the later drafts. The hardest part of the first draft is the most crucial part: getting started. Don't stress yourself out and make it even harder than it already is.

If that means making a promise to yourself that no one other than you will ever read your first draft unless it's over your cold, dead body, so be it.

2) Tell perfectionism to screw off by writing with a pen

I used to exclusively write with pencil until I realized I was spending more time erasing instead of writing.

Writing with a pen keeps me from editing while I right. Like, sometimes I'll have to cross something out or make notes in the margins, but unlike erasing and rewriting, this leaves the page looking like a disaster zone and that's a good thing.

If my writing looks like a complete mess on paper, that helps me move past the perfectionist paralysis and just focus on getting words down on the page. Somehow seeing a page full of chicken scratch makes me less worried about making my writing all perfect and pretty- and that helps me get on with my main goal of fleshing out ideas and getting words on a page.

3) It's okay to leave things blank when you can't think of the right word

My writing, especially my first draft, is often filled with ___ and .... and (insert name here) and red text that reads like stage directions because I can't think of what is supposed to go there or the correct way to write it.

I found it helps to treat my writing like I do multiple choice tests. Can't think of the right answer? Just skip it. Circle it, come back to it later, but don't let one tricky question stall you to the point where you run out of brain power or run out of time to answer the other questions.

If I'm on a role, I'm not gonna waste it by trying to remember that exact word that I need or figure out the right transition into the next scene or paragraph. I'm just going to leave it blank, mark to myself that I'll need to fix the problem later, and move on.

Trust me. This helps me sooooo much with staying on a roll.

4) Write Out of Order

This may not be for everyone, but it works wonders for me.

Sure, the story your writing may need to progress chronologically, but does that mean you need to write it chronologically? No. It just needs to be written.

I generally don't do this as much for editing, but for writing, so long as you're making progress, it doesn't matter if it's in the right order. Can't think of how to structure Chapter 2, but you have a pretty good idea of how your story's going to end? Write the ending then. You'll have to go back and write Chapter 2 eventually, but if you're feeling more motivated to write a completely different part of the book, who's to say you can't do that?

When I'm working on a project, I start off with a single document that I title "Scrap for (Project Title)" and then just write whatever comes to mind, in whatever order. Once I've gotten enough to work with, then I start outlining my plot and predicting how many chapters I'm going to need. Then, I create separate google docs for each individual chapter and work on them in whatever order I feel like, often leaving several partially complete as I jump from one to the other. Then, as each one gets finished, I copy and paste the chapter into the full manuscript document. This means that the official "draft" could have Chapters 1 and 9, but completely be missing Chapters 2-8, and that's fine. It's not like anyone will ever know once I finish it.

Sorry for the absurdly long post. Hopes this helps someone. Maybe I'll share more tricks in the future.

[bluenightcomedies]

uuuugh i keep procrastinating cuz i wanna make new refs n' arts n' all for us all but art slow so fuggit placeholder pinned abt the system better pinned with comm details, other accs, etc later :3 will reopen for commissions once arty verifies me! as a whole we're legally deaf and disabled! we can all draw but have diff styles/preferences :3 body is 30 (eugh i don't like admitting that) so am adult BUT we don't wanna be involved in nsfw art so pls respect that⭐ We can't get a formal diagnosis due to various real life issues, so we're not going to claim any particular diagnosis, but we can't exactly ignore the symptoms and stay masked forever. We're going to stay out of syscourse as much as possible, of course. 🌙 each alter has an assigned emoji so ppl can tell us apart easier if needed, use em as our tags too (when we remember) note- using they/them for any of us fine too!⭐

(doesn't include alters that rarely or never front) ⭐star emoji = Blue! she/her pls~ guess i'm the honorary host cuz i front most. uhhh... nothing rly too fancy i can say abt myself, i'm p affectionate and love y2k art and hanging out, i try to be as nice as i can >w< my art's usually sketchbooky, with thin lines and soft colors/shading!

💠this blue gem/flower emoji is Azure! she/her, she's kinda new to the system. looks n' acts a lot like me but uh... more childish i guess? very silly, very 'cringe culture is dead'. loves to rp, say silly things, n' cling to people. hyperfixates on Dot Hack (RIP) her art looks like mspaint x3 🌙 (Writing for myself since I'm available.) The name's Lune, hence moon emoji, and I use she/her pronouns as well. Formerly "Starry" but people kept confusing me with Blue due to her star symbolism. Used to be the designated mask, I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore... Sometimes I re-mask out of habit so if something sounds like me but wasn't marked as an alter, it probably is me. I have a flat tone and chronic paranoid anxiety so uh... Let me know if I come across as rude, I usually don't mean to. I enjoy doing research and organizing information, so I'm often the one to fact-check things or find guides and how-to's for the system. My art's very bold and colorful, and friends describe it as 'angular'. Clashes with my personality, huh? 🗝️key emoji = Sylverwynd! he uses he/him! he's super laid back and chill, i've never seen him upset or anything, but he's rly long-winded talks... kinda poet-y? he loves reading and talking abt lore and myths so he'll pop in if ur talking abt something he likes or if he has trivia 2 share! fave genres r horror n' fantasy he's still experimenting w/ style but likes drawing rly soft

❌cross emoji= Laceburner! it/its or they/them pronouns! tbh i'm not used to it/its pronouns but Lace wanted em; it's very uh... emotionally empty i guess? aroace, agender, can't socialize or empathize v well. it usually fronts when the rest of us are tired or in pain cuz it just ignores all that. likes 2000's scenemo aesthetics though which is surprising but ye idk how to describe its style, but it's trying to mimic emo art n' likes bright colored lines with dark bg/colors 🗡️the dagger is Kal! he/him pronouns, he gets angry and stressed abt things really easy but he gets too hostile abt it so he tries to not front too much; need to find him a way to de-stress n' chill out... when he's not mad at smth he's a good sympathetic listener imo, still swears and talks all rough tho hasn't drawn much yet but does rly harsh lines and fast/messy sketches when he does (and gets riled up by mistakes =w=;)

❤️heart is Weiss! genderfluid, goes by any pronouns, usually uses whatever they like at the time x3 has a hard time fronting but tries to. flirty, loves dumb jokes, overly confident... (we worry they'd get us in trouble sometimes cuz the shit they want to say) loves demon and monster-related stuff! still experimental style but uses bold colors and thick rough lines a lot, may get suggestive (forbidden from outright nsfw, don't ask >:c) btw ur always welcome to direct asks @ someone specific >w< we just might take a while to respond

[heretherebedork]

In Which We Learn Pennhung's Trauma While The School Traumatizes Him Again In The Name Of... Not Punishing The Innocent

Did we know these scenes were coming from the preview? Yes, we did. Was I still absolutely heartbroken for him? Yes, I was. It's made even worse that this is an episode about not punishing the innocent where they teach the lesson by... punishing the innocent in the horrible, traumatizing way possible.

Like, why not make it a fake punishment? You know Pennhung didn't do anything wrong. The other students don't need to know it's a fake punishment. He endured multiple days of being locked up alone (even if we assume that the teachers spoke to him during the time since he does quote the headmaster later) but still. He's locked up to punish the others and fuck that.

(But I also want to call back to the last episode where several people did try to stand up for him and weren't allowed to which really ruins the message even more because standing up for the innocent seems to be the lesson at play here and the only way to stand up for the innocent isn't to be the one that confesses the crime but also to be the ones who protest and stand up for those who were wronged.)

My entire heart shattered for him. Again. I cannot imagine walking out of that room knowing you were leaving an innocent boy locked up, reliving his worst moments, because someone else lied and now you're going to teach them a lesson about not punishing innocent people.

Lies.

Hey, you know who could make this a lot better instantly? You.

This brings up so many questions, honestly. Has Pennhung known Master Amin for a long time? How does he know this pill already? What does it do? (We see no change in him after taking it so... no idea?) But also this one of the few times we've seen them use 'I' in his subtitles and I don't know how to take that but I feel like it matters.

This was painful. Watching Pennhung be forced to take a medication (even if it did look like a mint some grandmother pulled out of her purse) was horrifying especially considering the earlier discussions about this not being a hospital for Run and that this is absolutely not meant to punish Pennhung. Remember, they know he's innocent. None of this is meant to be a punishment for him.

And yet he is locked in a room and forced to take medication and left alone despite his deep trauma about it. Pennhung was being punished to make other people feel guilty about their choices but he suffered.

PS: Single scariest expression ever.

What the absolute fuck.

But, again and again, this comes back around to remembering that Pennhung's punishment is entirely meant to punish Jingjai and Hugo. This isn't about Pennhung at all! Everyone involved in this punishment knows he's innocent.

How many times can a heart shatter in a single episode?

And then the trauma flashbacks (more heartshattering it is)

Oh look it's

Family Trauma

man, every single adult in this show is just the fucking worst. Maybe the nun who took care of Maki was okay?

Anyway.

Hi, Pennhung shouldn't have been punished, deserves better than every adult in his life and should be protected at all costs and I will definitely be making so many more posts about him as I quietly lose my mind to this show.

(But to see his father know he's not like other kids but not have anything, no diagnosis, to treatment, just shoting at this son in his bedroom and then leaving him alone, locking him away, and then having the school do the same thing in the name of punishing other people? Fuck that.)

[vinbee631]

Family Ties

Logan used to have a hard time expressing his emotions. His new family ensures this changes. (For the better, I may add.)

writing these logince fics has been so much fun! i can't believe I'm almost done with all of them!

thank you all for the support on my last couple posts. it means the word to me, and it's crazy to me that there are several humans that have read all the silly little words I mash together and neglect to proofread

anyways!! this work is connected to day 4: winter, so you may have to read Welcome to the Family to understand some of this

enjoy! (the prompt for day 6 is hopes & dreams also)

Logan had been in college for eight years.

It was strange to think about, all that time (and money, as well. Even with financial aid, college was unreasonably expensive) he had spent to get to this point. In two weeks, he would graduate with his doctorate degree, and he wouldn’t ever have to step foot on a college campus again if he didn’t feel so inclined.

And yet, this very thing he had worked for, the commitment he poured his soul into for eight years, was overwhelmingly anxiety-inducing.

He had no idea what he was going to do. Oh, not with his career. He had already been job searching and starting applications that he needed his doctorate certificate to finish. However, the idea of leaving behind an atmosphere he had accustomed himself to for so long was ridiculously daunting.

He had become an adult here. He pulled his first all-nighter during freshman year finals, and it was followed by an incredibly unhealthy amount in the next seven. He made some of his best friends here, friends he had trusted enough to drink in front of for the first time when he turned 21. He got his autism diagnosis mailed to the apartment he still lived in two years later.

He came out here.

He lost contact with his biological family because of that, and gained an entirely new family as a result, not necessarily while he was at college, but during that timeline, so it counted in his opinion.

That was perhaps his fondest memory of all those he had made in his time tied to his school. Roman and his siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents had been so welcoming to him from the very beginning, and his love and trust in them had grown stronger than ever through the years.

Even as he endured all the teasing from them when he and Roman finally decided to start dating three years ago.

It was a very stark contrast from his biological family’s reaction, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

…His family.

Logan had tried to distance himself from thinking about his biological family ever since they disowned him, but the three of them had been extremely close up until that fateful day. Coming out had gone… poorly, and ever since then, the complete loss of contact has been jarring.

Perhaps jarring was an understatement. His mother and grandpa were the most important people in his life up until he was 22 years old. They’d raised him, fostered his love for astrology, helped him with even the hardest of classes, and paid for his first four years of college in full.

Then, Logan told them he was gay, and they threw him away like he’d never meant anything to them in the first place.

Logan sighed, shaking himself. It was too early in the day for this many mental tangents.

Perhaps he should call someone.

To anyone else, this would be strangely out of character. Logan had never been one to willingly talk out his feelings. Another thing his biological family had given him, always being closed off, opting to deal with personal problems quietly and alone.

After spending about 10 seconds with his new family, it was clear none of them had ever operated that way.

They shared everything with each other. Good news, bad news, funny news articles they’d found while doom-scrolling, anything they could. It took Logan some time to get used to this, but now, it was instinctual to be comfortable sharing what was on his mind.

And now, he did a lot more infodumping as well, something he had never been allowed to do with his biological family.

Yeah, the separation from them had taught him a lot about the reality of how good his biological family had actually been for him.

Subconsciously, as he had found himself mentally trailing off, Logan had called Gram.

“Well, hello, dear. It’s been quite a long time since you called me. I was beginning to think we’d never speak again.” Logan snickered at the teasing. He’d called her two days ago, but he was quite used to her dramatics and had picked up quite a bit of her sarcasm himself.

“Hello, Gram. I didn’t imagine I’d ever see the day where you, of all people, complained about having a conversation, but I suppose there is a first time for everything,” he jested back.

“Oh, leave an old woman be, I was just surprised. I figured you’d be busy with all the graduation preparation or whatever it is they make you poor kids do nowadays.”

“Gram, college is not that much different than when you were a kid. But no, my schedule is rather free for the next few days. And… I have missed you, quite a bit.”

“Oh dear,” she mumbled gently, fondness overtaking her tone, “you are far too sweet to me. I’ve missed you as well, darling. You’ve had a long couple of months, haven’t you?”

Logan nodded, then quickly realized his mistake. “Ah, yes, I suppose so. I suppose it has been worth it, though. The only thing I would change about all this is allowing myself some more free time for my family.”

“Entirely too sweet, Roman has been a terrible influence on you,” she joked. “Now, what’s going on?”

Logan blinked, taking a long moment to process her question. “I’m- not sure what you mean? I have a completely free day today, so I called to talk to you, as I have done many times before. So, nothing is going on other than this conversation?”

“My bad, darling. That was a bad way of phrasing it. I meant: what’s wrong? I can tell when one of my babies is upset, and it’s pretty clear, hon.”

“N-nothing’s wrong, Gram. I... I mean, it has been a long week, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am doing just fine,” he replied smoothly, sneaking in as much of a smile into his voice as he could manage.

Logan could hear her head shake through the phone, and not just because of the audible rustling. “You’re testing my grandma senses, dear? Trust me, I dealt with Roman in his slumps. I know how to tell when someone’s hiding a problem from me. Especially you, considering all the time it took to convince you that sharing is alright. I mean that nicely, by the way, I care a lot about you feeling alright.”

“Thanks, Gram. I… suppose it is a bit complicated to explain.” He didn’t elaborate further, cutting himself off with a long sigh. Was this really how he wanted to spend his valuable time talking to one of his closest family members?

“I have an idea, if you’ll hear me out. Why don’t you come up for the weekend. Roman will be here too if you’re not up for talking with me this time. He’ll want to see you anyway, and so do I.”

Logan thought it over. He didn’t have any classwork. Really, the only reason he was still near campus was because he’d already made his final housing payment, and he intended to use the space for as long as he owned it. If he left on Friday, he’d get plenty of time with Gram and Roman, and whoever else happened to be there, and still have the opportunity to leave on time to get back to his minimal responsibilities on Tuesday.

“...Yeah, I’ll be there. It will be… nice to talk things out in person. And to see you, of course.”

“Oh, you, such a flatterer. Worse than Roman, I swear. I’ll be looking forward to seeing you, hon. Love you big bunches.”

“Love you big bunches as well, Gram.”

…

The weekend came far too quickly, and yet not fast enough. Logan was anticipating the time with his boyfriend and family, but the real reason for his visit had been looming over him all week.

He knew it would be good to discuss what was bothering him. That did not make it any easier to look forward to doing so.

The four hour drive passed as fast as a blink, and Logan realized with an achinly fond smile that Gram had been waiting on the porch for him.

“Get over here, baby,” he heard her call as soon as he closed the car door behind himself. She met him halfway, wrapping her arms securely around his waist and inching up on her tiptoes and nudging Logan to bend down so she could kiss his cheek.

“Hello there, beanstalk. I’ve not missed this height difference, but I did miss you. You’ve been so busy, I’ve been lucky to get all those weekly calls.”

Logan chuckled. “I wouldn’t mist those for anything, Gram. I’ll always have time to talk to you.”

“Don’t remind me, I’m sure I know that,” she reassured. “I recall a good handful of those calls prefaced with a warning that you were at work or driving to class, or whatever else it was that made you so busy, you wild little multitasker.”

“Says you,” Logan teased right back as she ushered him inside. “Every time I come over, you’re cooking six things at once and in three separate conversations. I’d argue that’s much more impressive multitasking.”

“Flattery,” she laughed, pinching Logan’s cheek, “but as much as I love to tease, that’s not quite why you’re here, now is it?”

“Well, of course not, it’s because Romam is coming tonight, and you’d hardly miss the opportunity to tease us together under one roof,” Logan replied innocently, making her chuckle again.

“Oh, you are terrible. I would never do such a thing! Except, perhaps I already have. Alright, stop distracting me! I had a point, and you have become a worse instigator than your boyfriend,” she chided, nudging him along to the living room and onto a couch right next to her.

“Now, I won’t push you outside of what you’re comfortable with if you’re not up for this right now, but even over the phone, it was obvious you’re having a hard time. We can talk things through now, or wait for some other time, or never if you’d rather talk things out with Roman when he gets here. Or, a surprise fourth option, I guess.”

“I’ll take door number four,” Logan deadpanned, his false glare breaking with Gram’s laughter. “No, I… suppose I should talk things out. It won’t do any good to let them fester.”

“At least one kid listens to my lectures,” Gran shook her head, gently squeezing Logan’s hand. “Ignore my whining. You talk whenever you’re ready, dearheart.”

Logan took a deep breath, squeezing her hand back. Despite all the ruminating he’d already done, it was considerably difficult to figure out how to express all those pesky emotions he’d been dealing with.

Eventually, it all just spilled out. It started with his biological family, how the memories had been creeping up on him now that he was finally going to be moving on from the last connection he had to them.

Next, it was losing that connection, losing his home of eight years to graduation. He was still confident with his job choice and the ease of getting one of those, but the act of leaving… he was terrified.

There were other things as well, his returning, paralyzing fear of failure creeping back as he began to transition into something new. There were a few jobs he had considered applying for that he had to stop considering because of their terrible policies for the disabled. Not that he needed many accommodations, but an institution such as those would likely not be welcoming to an autistic individual.

And after all the work he’d put into acquiring this job, he was not about to settle for a place that would not make him feel human.

By the time he had gotten everything off his chest, and shed a few tears in the process, it had been… a while. At least an hour, likely more. Gran had been attentive the whole time, offering nonverbal support and comfort as he vented.

God, he loved her so much.

Once he was feeling calmer, a byproduct of the venting and the love his grandma had been pouring out to him, she tugged him along to the kitchen with a smile.

“Instead of making you sit through a saccharinely sweet talk about how much I love and support you, and whatnot, we’re gonna bake cookies. Sound good?”

“I would not be opposed to the love and support but yes, cookies sound fantastic.”

Gran whacked him gently on the arm, the smirk peeking through betraying her true feelings. “Quit being cheeky, you absolute menace. Here I am offering my home to you and giving you all the support you deserve, and you treat me like this in response? The cruelty! Whatever happened to respecting your elders?”

Logan laughed, and in an impulsive but familiar move, leaned down to wrap her in a firm hug. “Thank you. I… I needed this, more than I think I realized.”

“Oh, of course, Lo. Anytime, I-” Gran cut herself off with a smile. “Enough from me. You’d better go and say hi to your boyfriend.”

Logan perked up immediately, ending their hug with a final squeeze before rushing out the door to meet Roman as he hopped out of his Uber.

“Logan!! Oh, my precious starshine!” Roman exclaimed, throwing down his bags to scoop Logan off the ground. Logan giggled, nudging halfheartedly at Roman’s hold. “Roman I am taller than you, this is obscene-!” He cut himself off with a squeak as Roman began to spin him around joyfully.

“If you drop me I will never forgive you!!” Roman laughed joyously in his ear, but he did noticeably tighten his grip on his boyfriend. “Worry not, light of my life! The only thing I’ve ever dropped is my jaw at the sight of your lovely face!”

Logan resisted the urge to roll his eyes, smirking fondly at Roman as he was set down. “You are perhaps the clumsiest man I’ve ever met, forgive me for doubting the validity of your statement.”

Roman gasped loudly, a dramatic move Logan could recognize from a mile away. “You- don’t believe me? Your own partner? Would I ever lie to the loveliest man in existence, the force of nature that keeps my very heart beating? The slander, in my own childhood home! You disparage me, starlight!”

“You are incorrigible, but I suppose I knew that when I signed up for this,” Logan continued, laughing at the over-exaggerated gasp that was so forceful it made Roman cough.

“You win this one Tall, Dark, and Handsome. C’mon, let’s go in. Gram’s probably got a whole laundry list of teasing remarks at the ready, the old sap. Emphasis on the old.”

“Be nice!” Logan chided, huffing at his boyfriend’s antics. “Your grandmother is a saint, and to imply that the first thing she will do at the sight of us is jest is a slanderous oversight. I cannot believe you right now. She’s already teasing us right now, under her breath, testing out which ones sound the best.”

Roman wheezed, nearly buckling over as he walked. “You- you have a point, beloved. Forgive me for such an oversight. Now, let’s head in to hear what she’s planned for us, yes?”

…

The rest of the day continued similarly. Logan eventually ran out of conversation spoons just after dinnertime, and spent a few hours in his guest room destressing. Around ten that night, he wandered down the hall to Roman’s room, curling up with him on his bed.

“Welcome back, dear. Feeling calmer?” Logan nodded, shifting closer so he could kiss Roman’s cheek. ‘Much calmer, thank you, sweetheart. How are you?”

“Oh, a bit stressed about the upcoming show but hey, that’s just life. Also, Gran snitched on you, so I’m gonna awkwardly transition into bugging you about that now.”

Logan groaned, hiding his face in Roman’s chest. “Awful, terrible family. Why did I ever sign up for this? You people are so cruel to me.”

“Not as cruel as them, I can assure you of that.” Roman had meant it in a teasing manner, but Logan couldn’t help but wince. It was perhaps a bit too soon to be joking about something like that so soon after he figured out all his feelings.

“Ouch, that was in poor taste, wasn’t it? I’m sorry, beloved.” Logan shook his head, leaning up for another kiss. “Not your fault, I suppose it was a bit funny. I’m just… “I let them control me for years, and I didn’t even realize. They were so… harmful to me, but they were the only people I had. It… it was so hard to realize that all that time spent idolizing them was time wasted. And, I don’t think I’ve ever completely moved on from it, which is terrible. They don’t deserve it, even if they are just thoughts.”

“First of all, you are allowed to grieve over losing them as much as you need. No, they don’t deserve it, but you deserve to process what they did in a healthy way. And yeah, the things they’ve done were terrible, but it wasn’t time wasted. You truly did love them, and they taught you so many things that make you so special. It’s not time wasted, it’s just… time you had to spend to get to us.”

Logan blinked, pushing away the sting of happy tears. “I.. suppose you have a point. I know I need to process my grief healthily, I just wish they didn’t make that so difficult. They… I almost wish they would have made it more obvious that they were terrible people. They hid it behind so much positive and healthy behavior, it can be hard for me to remember that they are bad for me.”

Roman sighed, rubbing a hand across Logan’s back, sending shivers through his body. “I know, darling, it is very complicated. It can be hard to deal with all the gray space in the black and white of talking to someone or cutting them off entirely. But, no matter how positive some of their influences were, you’re so much better off here. I hope you can remember that.”

“I am trying,” Logan decided, “and I know I will get there. It just… I want to be able to block them out forever as they did to me, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be capable of that.” “You don’t have to push yourself to forget them entirely, but I can understand why that would be desirable,” Roman reassured. “You have dealt with all of this incredibly well given the circumstances, and you have accomplished so much. Hell, you’re graduating with a doctorate this year! You’re amazing, Lo, and if they can’t see that beyond the hatred, then it’s their loss.”

“It truly is,” Logan agreed, “especially since it means they never get to meet you.”

“Aww, come here, precious.” Roman grinned, hugging his boyfriend so close, Logan could feel his boyfriend's heartbeat pulse through his own body. “You’re incredible. I am so proud of you and the things you have accomplished. I am so confident in you, and I know this change is going to be hard, but you’re gonna embrace it just like everything else.”

“Ah, she really did snitch on me, huh?” Roman nodded solemnly, still holding his boyfriend as tight as he could manage without actually hurting him. (Logan loved this, he had been encouraging Roman to help him with pressure stimming for years, and his boyfriend always agreed.)

“I can’t say I’m surprised, but… I’m not upset that she did. Talking about everything again would be way too many spoons for one day.”

“Well, if you do need to talk more, I’m always here, my love. You are so important to me, and anything you need, I can provide.”

“The same to you, dearest. Now, it is getting late, and I know you’re going to be up early working tomorrow. Sleep with me?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, starlight.” Logan smiled, kissing him gently on the lips before pulling the covers up around him. He truly was lucky for every single person in his life. Even his biological family, he supposed.

Without them, he never would have received the kind of love the Reyes family would be outpouring to him for years to come.

He and Roman fell asleep tangled in each other's arms, and Logan only dreamt of love and happiness.

[iconicallychronic]

Life Update

I had a rash that didn’t disappear under a glass. Found out in hospital that it was this little thing called IgA vasculitis .

I’m 21 and a cis-woman. This normally affects 10 year olds and mostly boys. Doctors said it would only be here for 6 weeks and only go on my legs.

8 months later I still have it and I’ve had it everywhere from my breasts to my fingers to the undersides of my feet. Specialists yet again aren’t that interested and are pushing me off to deal with it by myself.

Literally got told by the rheumatologist “oh it’s just chronic in some people” with no extra explanation. I could get kidney damage from this!!! Is that more likely with the fact it won’t go away? How do I deal with it? What’s going to happen? I can’t even find anything detailed about what happens if you get it as an adult and it never goes away.

Obviously I’m scared and the doctors don’t even care. Like, I had pre-existing bowel issues and joint pain which can both be caused by IgA vasculitis so they’re ignoring all the issues that may be being worsened by the purpura (vasculitis)

The best bit. When I actually find a doctor to care about the hEDS I used to fit criteria for, they can’t diagnose me. I now permanently have inflammation markers in my blood stream which automatically make hEDS diagnosis impossible.

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

Hey just curious but is there any point in trying to go on T after a certain age? I'm almost 30 and still haven't been able to see someone for a diagnosis and start medically transitioning and I've been told that if I haven't gone on T by 23 then it's too late for me but since you're a guy who's had to go through that process I wanted to ask if you know anything about that and how legit the claim is?

Don't get me wrong, transitioning later in life does come with its own unique challenges. One of the big one being the social issues that come up. By the time your 30 you might have a more stable job, kids, a spouse, etc. Coming out by itself can be difficult by itself let alone trying to explain to your straight husband that you're also a man. Depending on where you work you might risk your job. Most support groups seem to focus on young adults, and said young adults can be very mean to older folk (and vise versa).

That said, 30 isn't old. It's not. I know we all like to think it is, and as someone who's not there yet it still feels like some far off number. But 30 really isn't that old, and it's certainly not too old to medically transition. I think there's more health risks when you start later (this is a guess, I have no evidence to back this up). But that reasoning being because you are more at risk for certain health conditions in general as you age. Plus the specific risks hrt can bring. But none of those risks would be any different than the risks as someone who starts hrt at 20 once they get close to 30 or 40. So it's really a mute point.

It can also be a little more frustrating since hrt is basically like puberty. Imagine being a teenage boy but at the age of 35. It's a little awkward. But that phase doesn't late that long, and you'll have the rest of your life (a good 40 years if you live to 75) to enjoy being who you truly are. I'd say that's worth it.

Transitioning later in life has it's challenges. But so does everything in life. It's never too late to transition. I've seen transmen transition after 30 and be just fine. I've seen trans women transition at 60. You can do it at any age. Your journey is yours alone. Whether you discover yourself at 20, 30, or even 60 that's ok. You always have time take steps into being your real self. Into becoming more comfortable as yourself. Into doing what'll make you happy. Don't worry. You can do it.

I think a lot of the misconception comes from the fact that most stories we see are of younger adults. And we consider that age range to be a traditional period regardless of gender (it's when you're supposed to figure yourself out). But you can discover yourself at any age. My dad is 50 and only says that he's only now feels like he's figuring out what kind of person he wants to be. My gf's mom is going on a hippie road trip around the USA in her minivan at 50. My grandmother at 65 is only now getting a chance to learn about herself after being stuck in an abusive marriage. My 80 year old grandmother tells me about new things she's figured out every other month. You have so many more years ahead of you. 20 isn't nearly as impactful of a time for self discovery as we like to claim. It's important don't get me wrong. But I've seen more impactful self discovery journeys from people over 40 than anything I've seen from people in their 20s. You got time. It's never too late.

[monochromeheartbeat]

what do you think about the autistic brittany headcanon?

I think this is something that deserves a lot of thought and reflection, and I’m honestly not certain I have the best answer to it. Under the cut cause it gets long:

As an individual, I’ve had a pretty traumatic upbringing — one that at a very young age put me in a very untrusting dynamic with therapy that I won’t get into because it’s sad. And then my relationship with my adoptive mom was strained because she was studying psychology and did that thing you’re not supposed to do, which is to diagnose those close to you. With everything, founded or unfounded, based on a lot of struggles I was navigating balancing this growing up too fast and out of my control with desperately wanting to just be a kid, you know? And the support just. It didn’t exist for me in the way that was what I needed. Which was kindness and gentleness and patience.

So I have a hard time with the idea of head canons in general. I have a personal disdain for when people project their ideas of what they think of me onto me. It’s why I struggle with labels. I’m already a minority in so many ways — an orphan, adopted, mix-raced, Asian-American, 1st generation, unstable home, trauma/abuse, etc, etc. Discovering (through this particular fandom) that I was queer, I was like. Great, another box! (it's honestly okay - great even - now, but I was so afraid of losing what little I had when I realized it)

Don’t get me wrong, I believe mental health is SO important. I think I'm using mental health as an umbrella term here to include just general psychology terms, as I think autism is a learning/social disorder, not necessarily a mental health one. Idk, I'm really lacking in knowledge here. Still, diagnoses help with getting treatment or routines created and can really help improve quality of life. But autism specifically sounds like such a difficult thing to navigate, because autism is one of those diagnoses that can really restrict your personal freedoms because of prejudice against it (like whether or not you can gain citizenship in other countries). So I understand why a lot of people turn to self-diagnosis as an alternative.

But from my experiences with childhood, I am torn between having seen my parental figure diagnose me in an unprofessional capacity (and therefore concerns around self-diagnosis) and professionals harm me with good intentions but lack of care or tact when dealing with a child (thus a personal distrust of therapists that yes, I've worked on somewhat, and yes, I know better to ask for what I need than wait to be told).

The short of it is… I don’t think I’m qualified to tell you if this fictional character is autistic. I don’t know a lot about autism. I love that people identify with their favorite characters, and I think if that’s how you relate to that character, it’s a wonderful and special relationship you have with them. I think if she is autistic, she suffered in the sense that… canonically, Brittany never got the support from adult characters in the show other characters got. No one took her needs seriously. I didn’t really watch the season her parents were introduced (and I won’t get into my feelings about having been raised not being told I was Asian until later in life, the racism I experienced and didn't even understand, and how I feel in regards to the casting of Pierce Pierce), but from what I did watch and remember, her only support was really, truly, Santana. 

I love that Santana was her support system. I hate that she didn’t get explored with the depth and care other characters got. I hate that she was the butt of so many jokes. Yet, I loved Hemo for being so good at being so funny anyway. And I don’t know if we have enough information about her to determine if she was or wasn’t autistic. And I’m sorry I’m not more knowledgeable about autism in general. I know that it’s a more common topic of discussion than it was when I was more socially engaged on the internet a decade ago. My coworker talks to me often about his experiences, which is the only true source I have for autism information, but he's a new friend and I'm still learning a lot. But I hope I’ve answered this with as much respect and sensitivity as I can, because I don’t want to perpetuate any harm to a community that experiences a lot of stereotypes and misinformation. 

[ghostys-originals]

Since the topic of Samuel’s autism is still fresh in my mind, I’m going to talk a bit about it! Firstly, I made Sam autistic by complete accident. Sometimes it just be like that. But once his traits were pointed out to me, I didn’t see the point in changing him! Sam himself was a very quiet kid compared to his siblings, still has a very intense SI in flowers, and had a much more intense emotional response (although that could also be partially due to the brain damage he’d receive a little later in life). I could also imagine Sam himself having to develop a specific daily routine, since he was used to his father enforcing one anyway, and any slight change in that familiar formula would become stressful or upsetting for him (and even as an adult, Sam prefers to keep a similar level of consistency and can become irritable when someone throws a wrench in his carefully crafted plan). Theres also “Stimming”, which is categorized as “behaviors that provide sensory input or relief”, and he would do things that- while normal for rabbits, such as chewing and leg thumping- would be at a frequency that was viewed as abnormal. Theres probably more that I missed, and Autism is a spectrum full of different quirks that could be combined in an infinite amount of ways, but feel free to ask me more questions in my inbox if you’d like! Sam wouldn’t have been diagnosed in childhood, both because of The Cottontail’s ableism, and the ableism of the medical culture in Mayberry period. I did some brief research about Autism in the 50s and well... Its not great [tw for ableism obviously]

So Samuel being diagnosed later as an adult would rock his world in a lot of ways. One, being that he finally has a name to all the things he was called “weird” for doing. And two, ahereing to his usual closed-minded ideas that he learned from Mayberry and not being knowledgeable about neurodivergeny period, he would NOT react well to the news and even be denial of his diagnosis for a bit. Of course Sam will grow to learn more about himself and become ok with who he is, yet that would not come easy to him as he would have to not only unlearn Mayberry’s harmful tall tales about non-neurotypicality, but also unlearning the self hatred hes developed after years of being misunderstood and untreated.

[pocketfullofoxes]

AuDHD Annotated Bibliography as of fall 2024. MH

Methodology

The purpose of this annotated bibliography is primarily to broaden the understanding of AuDHD literature and media that is publicly accessible for myself and other interested peeps. The formatting style originates from MLA with some differences based on my own preferences (and the fact I’m not in academia anymore so this is not being graded or peer reviewed). Organization of this AB has also been changed to my personal preferences.

I also want to say that this AB’s focus is primarily research/expression for adults. Some of the content is primarily for adults diagnosed/discovered their neurodiversity later in life. I acknowledge that there is a lot of content on social media (Instagram, tiktok, etm.) but I do not consider these sources to be open access because many of them require an account to view media and the rules around what content is allowed seems to be mercurial.

Posts on here that do not have blurbs mean that I have not fully read the content yet and is basically TBR. If you have an open access media you would like to be added to this list please feel free to contact me and I will evaluate it for addition!

Blog posts

“Support for dual diagnosis (autism + adhd).” Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center, https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/audhd Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

Audience is significant other of someone who has AuDHD and new AuDHDers (adults). They sometimes cite their sources and do not use the disease-based model. They use multimedia – pictures, videos, as well as written. The venn diagram is not as good as Dr. Neff’s. Explanation of co-occurrances between ADHD and autism does not feel fleshed out. *they do not cite the studies they discuss in the section of how pregnancy could be connected to autism.

I appreciated that under treatment approaches they say expressly “Please know that the goal of behavior therapy must NOT be to turn you into a neurotypical person. It is to help you find ways to cope while living in an allistic world and be TRUE TO YOURSELF!” [italics in original].

*Clarified that autism and adhd could not be dual diagnosis until publication of DSM 5 which acknowledges the wide range of symptoms clients can experience.

ADDitude Editors "'A living contradiction:' the AuDHD experience" ADDitude, https://www.additudemag.com/audhd-autism-adhd-experience/ Accessed 4 Sept. 2024

Relatively brief, sources cited. Anecdotes from people's lived experience having autism and ADHD. There are a nice variety of perspectives-- some people talk about adhd conflicting with autism, others find that they compliment each other. One anecdote is from the mother of an AuDHD child, multiple anecdotes from people diagnosed later in life.

Hinze, Emma, et al. “Understanding AuDHD strengths.” Attwood & Garnett Events https://attwoodandgarnettevents.com/what-is-the-neurodiversity-affirming-movement/ Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

References cited. Provides a list of strengths as well as misconceptions about AuDHD. Website appears to be informative- has posts on the neurodiversity-affirming movement, autism in women and girls, autism and ptsd in adults, etc. Also host master classes for “professionals, parents and those on the spectrum.”

Peer Reviewed Articles

Craddock, Emma “Being a woman is 100% significant to my experiences of ADHD and autism: Exploring the gendered implications of an adulthood AuDHD diagnosis.” Qualitative Health Research, 2024. https://www.open-access.bcu.ac.uk/15499/1/QHR_final_accepted_version_190424.pdf Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

This article discusses the gendered omission of women and girls from autism and adhd diagnoses and the theoretical and practical implications of the co-occuring conditions. This research aims to “bridge the gap” since previously late diagnosed ADHD and late diagnosed autism have been researched but not both together.

This study was among 6 participants who were white women between the ages of 34-55 in the UK. Two had PhDs, four worked full-time and two were unemployed. The study used Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (IPA) and interviews were conducted via email, which was a much more autistic-friendly approach.

Some women identified being weird and also having to perform femininity, learning to be social was considered important but could be somewhat overlooked if the woman performed well in school. Women internalized their experiences and masked for normalcy as well as femininity. Some said that due to autistic inability to read social queues or adhd inattention to situations could lead to bullying and later SA. Gendered masking weighed heavily on women due to sensory sensitivities such as wearing bras, high heels, and other clothes they wore to mimic other women’s style of dress. One woman said that she had trouble advocating for herself, her coworkers and boss did not see her struggles so it felt like a burden to let others around her know that she was not doing well. All participants said being undiagnosed was a traumatizing experience, that they knew they were different but not knowing why led to negative self judgement. The women also said that there was a lack of post-diagnosis support, leaving them to process the information by themselves.

*I liked that it touched on - barriers around AuDHD includes lack of descriptive language to this day. Women are often dismissed when trying to get diagnosed and are diagnosed later than men. A woman with a diagnosis often dismissed when she states that she is AuDHD or otherwise neurodivergent.

Craddock, Emma “Raising the voices of AuDHD women and girls: Exploring the co-occuring conditions of autism and ADHD.” Disability & Society vol. 39, no. 8, pp. 2161-2165, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/09687599.2023.2299342 Accessed 29 Aug 2024

Hamilton, Inga “An Autistic Aesthetic of Connectivity.” Ought: The Journal of Autistic Culture, vol. 5, iss. 2., 2024. https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1169&context=ought Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

McKay, Erin, et al. “Proactive inhibitory control as a cognitive contributor to social difficulties in adolescents with ADHD traits.” Neurodiversity, vol. 2, pp. 1-13. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/27546330241258329 Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

This article looks at social difficulties between people with ADHD, people with ADHD with social difficulties, autistic people, and a small set of people with AuDHD. The conclusion of this article (that was most interesting to me) was that social difficulties are subtly different between people with ADHD and people with Autism. The subset of individuals with AuDHD they include because of their own interest and the authors note that the group with AuDHD is very small as a limitation.

Rosqvist, Hanna Bertilsdotter, et al. “Naming ourselves, becoming neurodivergence scholars.” Disability & Society, 2023. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2023.2271155 Accessed 29 August 2024.

Websites

Neff, Megan Anna, Neurodivergent Insights https://neurodivergentinsights.com/

Some things are behind a paywall but has good blog posts and nice venn diagrams of what traits overlap between different neurodiversities. Author identifies as AuDHD, discussed in some blog posts. Some posts are also about mental illness, appreciate the intersection. Cites sources.

Ought: The Journal of Autistic Culture. https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/ought/

This peer-reviewed journal (obviously) focuses on autistic experiences, it includes pieces and articles from/about people with other neurodivergent experiences including AuDHD. 

[jaitropdonglets]

My journey to being diagnosed with autism at 32

27 min read

Part 1

I’m on the couch, watching an Instagram reel of Holly Madison. She’s a former Playboy Bunny, model, and actress. You may recognize her from the movie, The House Bunny. She’s talking about her recent autism diagnosis at the age of 43.

In the interview, Holly revealed: “I had been suspicious of it for a while. I always kind of had trouble socially, not recognizing social cues, not picking up on things the same way other people did. But I just made excuses for it. I was never somebody who was really well liked in all different situations.”

She continues, “I think because I’m more quiet, I’ve only recently learned to make eye contact and I’m often off in my own thoughts, so people take that as offensive… I’m just not on the same social wavelength as other people. I wanted to get diagnosed because I always had a hard time connecting with others.”

As Holly carries on with the interview and reveals more and more about her internal and social struggles, I turn to my husband Tyler and say, “I do all of these things.”

He laughs it off and responds, “You’re not autistic.”

I say, “Yeah, probably.”

I text my best friend, who’s a nurse and has worked extensively with children (and adults) with disabilities: “You don’t have autism, you’re just introverted.”

Yet, I can’t stop thinking about this video. There’s a visceral gut feeling I get from this short clip. I don’t get these emotional reactions often — I tend to live my life based on logic and reason. I think with my brain not my heart. But there’s something here. There’s truth in her experience that overlaps with mine. So naturally, I start obsessing.

I get off the couch and grab my laptop. I look up articles of other women who were diagnosed with autism later in life, I pursue Reddit threads looking for confirmation of my symptoms, I watch videos, I order books… lots of books. I take quizzes online. Results: strong indication of neurodivergence. High likelihood of being on the spectrum.

My world view begins to blur. How does everything suddenly make sense, but is still just as confusing? How did nobody catch this? How did my therapists not know? How did I myself not think of it after all these years? Two of the people who know me best, shrugged me off immediately. Was I that good at hiding it? Maybe it’s not autism after all? Still unsure, I keep this newfound information to myself.

I always blamed myself for not being able to fit into the world comfortably. Caulked it up as a personal failure, constantly feeling uneasy in my own mind and body. There seemed to be something inherently flawed about me, and I could sense how others quickly picked up on this at a glance.

I discovered that autistic people are good at looking for patterns in interactions and analyzing them, imitating them, faking them. This would explain why social interactions would often leave me feeling unheard and exhausted. I felt overstimulated and adrift, which resulted in further ostracizing and rejection. People often misperceive my communication style — too blunt, too aggressive, direct, cold, or lacking empathy. My shyness was viewed as cold and my constant overwhelming anxiety as anger.

Autism is genetic and highly heritable, with brain structure and functioning differences appearing from early development. Research shows that autism does indeed run in families. I have a cousin with autism. He would be classified at level 3 which is very high-support needs. Common behavioural challenges at level 3 include self-injury, aggression, running or wandering away, and extreme sensory processing issues. He has never been able to live independently and requires 24-hour care. I saw how challenging this was for their family emotionally, physically, and financially.

Admittedly, this was my only view of what autism was. And often, this is why women are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all; people associate the disability with young boys with behavioural or developmental issues. Women and young girls are able to slip through the cracks because they are better at masking the disability and are left to fend for themselves in a world that was not designed for them.

I keep telling myself that this couldn’t possibly be me. I mean, if I were autistic, surely someone, everyone, would have noticed? I didn’t exhibit severe symptoms, so it’s hard to believe that this could apply to me, right?

But for the first time in my life, I have an answer, an actual scientific diagnosis, that explains why I am different. Why I think the way I do. Why I’ve struggled so much, and have spent so much of my life hiding my stress for everyone else’s benefit, at the cost of my own mental health.

I mention my findings to Tyler again. I get choked up and the emotion catches me off-guard. I almost want him to talk me out of pursuing this further.

“If it will give yourself clarity and relief, you should do it.”

“And I’m not what I appear to be, Although I laugh and I act like a clown, Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown.”  — The Beatles

Part 2

The autism assessment process, I learn, is fairly long and arduous. It is also expensive. I was looking at a bill of about $2,400 (this was the cheapest I was quoted at the time, with the most expensive in the $4k range).

Getting an official diagnosis is a double-edged sword. For starters, I could complete the process only for them to shoo me away and tell me it’s my mental health. I’ve had this experience with doctors in the past. One doctor labelled me as “depressed,” gave me anti-depressants and sent me on my way. I argued that I am in fact, not depressed. But the medication does help treat my severe PMS symptoms (fun fact, PMDD disproportionately affects people with autism/ADHD), so I still take it because it helps alleviate my pain.

A second doctor I saw dismissed me completely. “You seem completely fine to me.” At the time, I didn’t know what I was dealing with, so I thought my issues were just related to anxiety. I needed help, but I didn’t know what help to ask for, so never received any. Because my feelings and experiences were so invalidated by these doctors, I never bothered going back. This is a common occurrence for women with autism — nearly 80% of us are misdiagnosed, often with conditions such as borderline personality disorder, eating disorders, bipolar disorder and even narcissistic personality disorder.

When a woman discloses that she’s autistic, the reaction is often, “But you don’t look autistic,” or even a straight denial, “No you’re not.”

I’m guessing this is meant to be a compliment — it’s not. It’s like telling someone, “you don’t seem gay.” Since you don’t fit into my preconceived or stereotypical view of what a gay person should be, therefore, you can’t possibly be gay. Which is a rather bitter compliment to absorb. It’s like saying I don’t count as autistic because I can feign normality for short bursts of time.

People often fail to recognize the challenges and inner turmoil I face because my life appears well put-together. It’s disheartening that my struggles have been dismissed, even by trained medical professionals, simply because of what they are seeing from the outside.

From a young age, we’re taught that busyness equates to value, but it’s problematic to link our intrinsic worth solely to productivity and activity. Society often places higher value on those who appear independent and productive, however, this mindset can be particularly harmful to those silently struggling with societal expectations and pressures.

Disabled people are often viewed as charity cases to others — is this person disabled enough to be worthy of pity and charity? For some, it’s seen as a personal flaw, for others, their disability is seen as more severe and we should hold more compassion for them because people tend to view the severity of a disability on how much it affects them, not the person with said disability.

Those early days after my diagnosis were a rollercoaster, filled with moments of clarity, anger, grief, but eventually, acceptance. I felt overwhelmed and anxious, grappling with the realization of how this diagnosis might impact my future. I will now forever have a label– something to point to that says, “she’s different.” It was a complex mix of emotions as I tried to process the implications, and how it affects my place in the world.

There are very real-world consequences to this, too. It could impact my ability to get health insurance or affect potential job opportunities or career advancements for me. If I someday decide to have kids and get a divorce, my disability could be used against me in court.

I would be considered a Level 1 autistic. On the surface, I seem to manage quite effectively, maintaining a job, caring for a home, looking after a pet. However, I encounter significant challenges, particularly related to sensory sensitivities and social interactions, as is unique to each individual on the autism spectrum.

Given the recent trend that autism is just a quirky personality type, and not a developmental disorder can impose genuine obstacles when it comes to quality of life. Disabilities like autism for low-support need individuals like myself, can be so hard to manage and understand, that I’m left trying to learn more about myself from a 18-year-old TikToker.

Looking around, I’m aghast at how few resources exist for women like myself who are late-diagnosed. When most people envision autism, they likely picture young boys, toddlers with hyperactivity challenges. As for Asperger’s (reclassified as autism due to its association with Nazism), figures like Mark Zuckerberg, a savant lacking social skills, often comes to mind. I don’t fit into either category. I feel like a lot of “support” for autistics rely on outdated stereotypes that didn’t truly benefit us anymore.

I wondered if people would perceive or treat me differently after a diagnosis. Some may not believe me, think I want special treatment or attention, or use it as an excuse to infantilize me. We’ve come along way, but there is still a lot of stigma and discrimination about mental illnesses and disabilities. Myself included. I was woefully uninformed about autism itself and had to take a hard look at my own ableism throughout this process. Ultimately, my hope is that others will take my problems more seriously if a psychiatrist has validated them.

“The cold hand of the past emerges from the grave of our ancestors, grips us by the neck and directs our gaze towards a single future. We have felt that grip from the moment we were born, so we assume that it is an inescapable part of who we are. We seldom try to shake ourselves free.” — Yuval Noah Harari

Part 3

In my early twenties, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

C-PTSD is caused by repetitive trauma over long periods of time. Different from PTSD, which is caused by a singular traumatic event, complex trauma can be harder to treat because the circumstances contributing to the trauma can be hard to pinpoint and is difficult to process and heal. Childhood abuse is the most common cause of complex trauma.

I grew up in a very abusive and tumultuous household. I was abused emotionally, verbally, and physically by my mother throughout my childhood. My upbringing was a battleground of manipulation, conditional love, and neglect. The constant criticism, unrealistic expectations, and fear of violence, eroded my self-esteem and confidence deeply.

Every day was fraught with uncertainty–walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her volatile moods and unpredictable reactions. I would walk into the kitchen and get a spoon thrown at my head for no reason. Or I’d get berated for being hungry, even though I wasn’t given food all day.

During my teen years, school and sports served as sanctuaries from the turmoil of my home life. My fondest recollections revolve around participating in team sports, where I found solace and camaraderie. I experienced a sense of belonging, being embraced by teammates and occasionally entrusted with leadership roles. Those moments were marked by newfound acceptance and validation, offering a stark contrast to the struggles I endured at home.

As a result of my upbringing, I spent most of my 20’s with crippling anxiety and bouts of depression, which escalated into panic attacks. I would regularly spend my breaks at work hyperventilating in the bathroom. At this point, therapy was imperative. My anxiety had escalated to such an extreme that I knew if I didn’t intervene, I’d end up in a psych ward.

This apparently happens to a lot of autistic adults. They report feeling “more autistic” as they mature into adulthood. Which is untrue; those with autism are born with it, but at a certain point the weight of societal expectations and layers of overwhelming demands or trauma become too much for us to handle, and we hit a breaking point.

There has been research done into the connection between PTSD and autism; it’s common for both to be diagnosed and there’s a lot of gray area between the two conditions. Since neurodivergence is genetic, and trauma can be generational, they tend to go hand-in-hand. Due to various factors such as low social status, our vulnerability to being rejected by family, mental illness, and social isolation, autistic people are far more likely to be traumatized, so it can be tricky to separate.

I’ve been through a lot of awful things that no one, especially a child, should have to experience. Upside is that I’m thankful to still be here, downside is that I process and experience the world differently than most people do. I’m jaded and cynical. I don’t see the world through rose-colored glasses, how can I? My own mother didn’t love me — I have little faith in finding others who do, either.

The repercussions of my childhood will stay with me for a lifetime. No amount of therapy, positive thinking, or meditation will replace a loving, caring mother. There is a hole in my heart, in my being. My whole ethos, where my mom’s unconditional love and support was supposed to belong, cannot be filled.

Overcoming a narcissistic upbringing often requires significant introspection, therapy, and a journey towards reclaiming one’s autonomy and sense of self. I’m really proud of myself for being on that journey.

I haven’t seen my mother in 7 years. A lot of people probably can’t wrap their head around having to become estranged from a parent (hence, why I rarely talk about it). But others don’t have the context of the unbearable history that led to that decision. Even if you can’t make sense of it, you can respect it and not add more pain.

“Never really been alive before, I always lived in my head, And sometimes it was easier, hungover and half dead.” – Florence Welch

Part 4

For me, experiencing autism often feels like everyone else was naturally equipped with an instinctive understanding of how to act and be — like I was supposed to be taken aside as a kid and explained the rules but never was.

Social situations felt like muddling through trial and error or slogging through fake small talk until I figured out what others liked. I was mistaken for being overly harsh or impolite, when in truth, I was sincerely trying to initiate a conversation. I would say something like, “Oh, I like your top!” and others would misinterpret it as mockery.

So, I learned how to blend in. How to melt into the wallpaper, disappear into the couch. The less conspicuous I was, the more readily I was embraced. Despite occasional invitations, I perpetually found myself on the periphery of social circles, always slightly out of sync and never truly integrated. I observed from a distance. I existed as an afterthought, drifting in and out of relevance. While not actively disliked, I also failed to inspire genuine affection.

A lot of women’s social currency is based on how well she does in groups. Unfortunately, autistics are known for being unwilling or unable to homogenize. Due to societal expectations and gender roles, I often feel pressure to conform to certain norms of behaviour that don’t align with my natural tendencies or communication style. Many autistic women find themselves grappling with a sense of not belonging, longing for understanding and acceptance.

Girls are often brought up with the expectation to be affectionate, submissive, expressive about emotions, and socially engaged. We place a greater emphasis on females displaying empathy and nurturing qualities – there’s an assumed role for us to embody warmth, care, and a comforting, non-questioning presence. However, I don’t fit this expectation.

It’s such a strange juxtaposition between desperately wanting to fit in and be part of a group, and then actually being in one, and realizing that I must keep the mask on forever in order to maintain membership. It’s like wanting to be included, but than hating the dynamics once I’m in.

This is when I discovered that for most of my life, I was masking. Masking is a coping mechanism, but also a survival technique. Autistic masking is a behaviour that helps us hide and suppress signature characteristics of the disorder, camouflaging our autistic traits to fit societal norms and expectations.

I came to realize that most people don’t consume considerable mental energy monitoring their speech, posture, gestures, and facial expressions in social situations like I do. Many social behaviours and body language cues that come naturally to most individuals, were not programmed in me. I have to consciously adjust my tone, body language and facial expressions to appear more “approachable.”

Here’s a glimpse into my mind during a conversation:

Step 1. Cue smile Step 2. Raise eyebrows to show interest Step 3. Make eye contact Step 4. What was I talking about again? Step 5. Not too much eye contact, you freak Step 6. It’s hot in here, why is it so hot? Step 7. Stop fidgeting Step 8. Ask them how their weekend was, people like that Step 9. Do they hate me? I feel like they hate me Step 10. Use hands to emphasize a point Step 11. Fake a laugh at someone’s lame attempt at a joke Step 12. Why did I wear these pants? They are so uncomfortable Step 13. WTF do I do with my hands now? In my pockets, on my hips? Step 14. Look relaxed. OMG, RELAX!

Masking leaves us exhausted. Not the kind of exhausted you can sleep off in a weekend — this was the type of exhaustion I felt in my bones, the type of exhaustion stemming from not being able to be myself for 32 years.

Neurotypical individuals (who make up 85% of the world’s population) often engage in indirect communication styles, relying on subtle cues, implied meanings, and context to convey messages. This can present challenges for autistic individuals who may prefer clear and direct communication. Furthermore, because autistic people are in the minority, we don’t think, perceive, and behave in ways that are considered to be the “norm” by the general population.

I tend to find most relationships confusing and conflicting. When someone says through gritted teeth that they are fine, when clearly they are not, I don’t know what to say or do. You are clearly not fine–people say one thing and mean another. The mismatch of facial expression and the intended meaning throws me off kilter every time. “We should get together soon!” actually means, I’ll never fucking hear from you again. The emphasis on conformity and social hierarchy always felt arbitrary to me, I never understood why others prioritized surface-level interactions over genuine emotional honesty.

I’d often receive “helpful” but condescending remarks like, “You seem unhappy, you should smile more!” I comply, albeit reluctantly, turning to reveal what feels like a forced, Joker-esque grin. I’m genuinely content; this is simply my default facial expression. I would often marvel at how women could get away with saying the most back-handed, passive aggressive things as long as they maintained a soft tone of voice. It’s like we are all playing a game; a game of never saying what we truly mean, and I’m left in the dark trying to decode the meaning.

Every time I met someone new I’d tell myself, “this time you’re going to get it right.” But alas, the effort of keeping up the façade would exhaust me, and my mask would start to slip. I feel overwhelmed and bewildered by the expectations others have in relationships. I crave solitude much more than some, while others thrive on constant company. Our needs are generally contradictory, and eventually, one of us pulls away.

“Why are you so quiet? What’s your problem? You’re strange, aren’t you? Are you upset? You are a real mystery. You should open up more. Wow, I thought you were a total bitch when I first met you. You’re different. What’s wrong with you?”

I’ve lost count of how many people have said these things directly to my face over the years–I can only imagine what others say behind my back. People often don’t realize the extent to which I’ve internalized these comments, and the pain I feel from these words is deep and profound. For so long, I let shame and social judgment shape me. It turned me into someone who rejected others before they had the chance to reject me. It was easier that way, less complicated. I felt like I had more control over my life remaining at arms length.

It is mind-boggling to me that others can point out that I’m being quiet, but if I were to ask them “why are you being so loud?” — I’m the one who’s out of line. This is just one example of social interaction rules that are rife with double standards. Nuanced rules that I don’t understand.

We are not the blank automata so often portrayed in media (think Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, or Lisbeth Salander from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo). Autism is so broadly associated with assholery that we try to overcompensate by being people pleasers and non confrontational. I know I can often come across as being stone cold — as if no one can hurt or touch me. I actually feel things very deeply, but sometimes what’s happening on the inside doesn’t match my facial expressions.

I consistently find myself feeling invisible, forgettable, and disposable to others, a recurring theme in my life. I’ve had people reintroduce themselves to me even though we’ve met on multiple occasions, call me by the wrong name, or only reach out when they need something from me. I never seemed to be anyone’s first choice, and my authentic self never felt good enough. I was the friend summoned only as a last resort, merely to fill empty spaces, never truly feeling valued or wanted. I frequently experienced a deeper emotional investment in relationships than the other person, leading to resentment because the effort was not being reciprocated. I’m sure this is a defense mechanism developed after enduring numerous disappointments and letdowns in relationships over the years.

A few years ago, I had a misunderstanding with a friend. My misstep was entirely inadvertent–I wasn’t even aware of my mistake until I discovered that my husband and I had intentionally been excluded from a social event we had planned to attend.

It really upset me — I remember sitting in my car and crying in a Home Depot parking lot about it. I felt awful for causing someone pain, but it was disheartening that they perceived me as the type of person capable of such actions in the first place. Our relationship has not been the same since. Each time I encountered them afterward, their demeanour appeared distant and cold, as if they wanted nothing to do with me. It was perplexing because they said everything was fine to my face, but their actions and body language were conveying the opposite.

These situations are hard for autistics. We tend to hyper fixate, and play over and over in our heads what we did wrong, how we could have done things differently. We feel intense sadness, guilt, and insecurity when being rejected (which is actually a dysphoria related to autism).

I do care — I just find it hard to translate how I feel in a way that makes sense to others. I’ve come to terms with the possibility that I may never attain closure regarding what happened. I still feel sadness about it, but I have learned that when others resort to using the silent treatment or indirect forms of ostracism, it is neither effective nor healthy when addressing conflicts. True love creates space for freedom, expansion, open communication, and forgiveness.

Miscommunication is basically a rite of passage for autistics. Direct communication can be intimidating for most people, but because I am autistic, I have a harder time “reading between the lines” and I’ll inevitably misinterpret something. Even though it hurts to hear I did something wrong, I’d rather hash it out and offer an apology. After all, I can’t read minds, and ambiguity and unpredictability are my brain’s adversaries.

As I continue learning more about myself and my boundaries, I will make mistakes, frustrate people, or upset them. It’s okay for our actions to make others unhappy sometimes and it may even mean disengaging from those who are not worth the effort.

It’s moments like this in my life where it’s so painfully evident that I’m different from the people around me. My life is littered with broken relationships.

There are so many things that we’re able to excuse, to convince ourselves that we’re just fine — eye contact, socializing, going out in public, making jokes — and a lot of the things make it seem like we “don’t look autistic,” when in reality it takes a lot of practice, concentration, mental systems, accommodations, and recovery time for us to do things that allistic people don’t think twice about.

It’s not all terrible, though. Autistics in general have a keen eye for detail, and a knack for logic. We are creative, scientific, musical, analytical, and artistic. We have a low tolerance for bullshit and inefficiency. I feel like I have a finely tuned ability to detect phoniness and hypocrisy where others fail to see it. We can have intense emotions and strong judgments, and often don’t care about social norms.

“Sometimes a label is the only way of parlaying some compassion out of the world.” – Katherine May

Part 5

In hindsight, what I thought were panic attacks, were actually autistic meltdowns. Autistic burnout is a result of chronic life stress without adequate supports. It is characterized by pervasive, long-term exhaustion, loss of function, and reduced tolerance to stimulus.

My meltdowns generally manifest as shutdowns. My body undergoes dysregulation, often triggered by sensory overload, social interactions, or stress. I find myself needing to disconnect from the outside world for days, sometimes even weeks, as my body enters a state of rebellion. I’d describe it as more of an implosion. I don’t have much of a reaction outwardly, but inside I feel like a bubbling cauldron with a searing headache.

I wish others understood how intense the psychological pain is. Expressing this to regular people is challenging because it appears highly absurd, and conveying it without coming across as melodramatic or unreasonable is difficult. I consistently experience a persistent sense of fatigue.

I quickly adapted, and learned more socially acceptable ways of becoming socially withdrawn, such as being “sick,” or drowning myself in work to hide my meltdowns. Which is what I did after I graduated college and moved to Toronto. I was working a regular 9–5, plus freelancing on the side. I’d get home from work, eat, then work until 10 or 11pm almost every night. Anything to divert attention from the constant anxiety and malfunctioning of my brain.

During my time working in Toronto, I recall feeling extremely uncomfortable in an office environment. The bustling nature of offices, with fluorescent lighting, background noise, and the constant ebb and flow of people was overwhelming to my senses. At the end of every workday, I’d frequently arrive home on the verge of exhaustion.

During performance reviews, I regularly got feedback that I was too forthright, too blunt, and I needed to speak up more in meetings. Valuing direct communication myself, I tend to assume others also appreciate straightforwardness. I only speak when I believe it’s necessary.

I worked with male colleagues who freely swore during meetings, interrupted others, and still received promotions, while I was labeled as hostile. It’s worth noting this was in the tech industry, where there’s a prevailing notion that men can embody the “brooding” genius archetype. However, if women don’t conform to a certain subservient mold, they’re often perceived as disruptive or a liability. Navigating office politics would often prove perplexing (and unimportant) to me.

I just wanted to do a good job without being hassled. I was serious, quiet, and straightforward. Unfortunately, others view that as you not wanting to fit into the hierarchy and freeze you out. It’s like everyone could almost immediately recognize something was “off” about me, and I was “othered” at work and judged in social circles right away.

The pressures from work, and the challenges I faced privately began to take their toll on me, again. I started breaking out in hives. Massive, itchy, burning welts all over my skin. The issue was omnipresent for years. I even visited one of the best allergists in Toronto who basically told me there was nothing I could do except take a concoction of steroids to help reduce my breakouts (which made me gain weight like crazy). The hives got so bad I ended up in the ER one night because my mouth was itchy and I was worried my throat would close.

Hives can serve as an indicator of potential autoimmune diseases. Despite this possibility, my blood work consistently returned nothing and my physicals fell within the normal range. I’m now convinced it was my body’s way of telling me it was overwhelmed. My mind and body was engulfed, submerged, and inundated by stress.

I started seeing another therapist about why I was so bad at coping with seemingly normal, everyday things, but I started plateauing at therapy–no amount of observing my thoughts from a distance helped. The sessions with my therapist started to feel directionless and open-ended. She was too passive for my inflexible brain. I didn’t want to vent, I needed answers.

She would give me advice like, “Just ask someone you want to connect with to coffee this weekend.” While I guess this may be helpful advice for normal people who aren’t social aliens like myself, it failed to address the underlying issue of why I struggle to sustain relationships.

It’s worth highlighting here the limitations of conventional therapy for autistic individuals – because our fears and stresses, often dismissed as ‘irrational’, are actually undeniably valid. My last therapist would also tell me that, “you’re more than your looks, stop being so insecure.” Excuse me, but my appearance is a crucial factor in whether I’m accepted or excluded from society because my personality doesn’t seem to be doing the trick. I look extremely functional and successful unless you live inside my body; then you’d know it’s a dog’s breakfast.

I continued to find myself making decisions that didn’t truly align with my desires, simply because it’s what I felt obligated to do. I’ve been conditioned to disregard warning signs, to tough it out, and move on. Like remaining at social gatherings for longer than I wanted, primarily out of concern that leaving early might be perceived as rude — despite being aware that I would feel miserable by the time I got home.

Autistic people can often have heightened sensitivities to sound and light, influencing everything from social interactions to work or school environments. Autistic brains process an average of 42% more information at rest than a neurotypical brain.

This would explain why mundane tasks for neurotypical people, such as getting a haircut, can be hard for me. The assault of smells coming from different hairsprays and chemicals, the roar of blow dryers, the spotlight-style lighting, feeling obligated to maintain pleasant chit chat with the stylist, all while remaining militantly still for 2 to 3 hours. I feel like a piece of bacon under a heat lamp. Slowly frying, my energy sizzling away. Or how trying to talk to other people at loud bars or restaurants is impossible because I cannot drown out background noise and focus on the person in front of me. It all becomes mumbled into static.

I have very strong sensory issues with my hair. I hardly ever wear my hair down because the sensation of hair touching my neck feels like fire ants crawling across my skin. If one hair falls out of place, I notice it right away and my skin becomes itchy. I actually believed this was a common experience that everyone felt, feeling like a failure because I struggled to cope with it more effectively.

Autistics expend a huge amount of mental energy every single day coping with socializing, change, and sensitivities. Think of it like an energy bank. More and more energy gets withdrawn throughout the day just to survive because our brains are hyperactive and the world, overwhelming.

When autistic people get overwhelmed, we stim. I had never heard of this term before, but I realized I’ve been doing it my entire life. Stimming serves various purposes including self-regulation. Plus it can take many forms, such as hand-flapping, rocking, spinning, tapping, or vocalizing.

My stims are more “acceptable” in the sense that I don’t visibly rock or flap my hands in public. I do fidget a lot in social situations, bounce my leg up and down, twirl my hair, touch my face, and I often chew my cuticles or the inside of my mouth until I bleed. I thought these were just bad habits, but it was actually my body trying to regulate itself when I was under emotional stress.

I am so grateful I don’t have to suffer at offices anymore. I have the freedom to be myself most days, now that I have a work-from-home job that provides me with just the right balance of social interaction and flexibility. I’m slowly learning to quiet the voices in my brain, the guilt from others’ expectations of what I “should” be doing, rather than evaluating what is best for me and my needs.

Naturally, I’ve been doing more research on how views of autism can vary based on cultural norms and societal perspectives. I sometimes wonder if I’d fare better as an autistic in the Netherlands, where Dutch people are known for direct communication — getting straight to the point and stating the facts as they see them. No cushioning, no sugarcoating. Or in Japan, where avoiding eye contact is customary and is even seen as a sign of respect.

“Guilt blocks growth. Grace unlocks growth.” — Jay Shetty

Part 6

Life before my diagnosis was a whirlwind of bad mental health, social struggles, and being weighed down by this overarching feeling I was broken, damaged, or just a shit person.

Realizing and accepting myself as disabled has entailed a significant and profound reshaping of my entire life.

I’ve accepted that I may never have lasting friendships or know how to maintain them properly. And that I’ll probably never be able to keep up with life at the same pace as everyone else. All the instances when I was overly critical of myself weren’t due to me being unintelligent, lazy, or clueless. Rather, I just lacked the necessary tools and support.

During my research for this article, I read a study about how autistic people are quick to be judged by complete strangers, even within just a couple of seconds of interacting with them. In that same study, it was found that if the other person was told about the autism beforehand, they were able to connect and hold a much better conversation with less judgment.

If an autistic person can benefit from more flexibility and social patience, why not extend those same benefits to everyone? I think we should hold more compassion for everyone in social situations who are just trying to do their best — even if it is unstable and imperfect. We are all operating at different levels, mentally and socially, and having patience for others can go a long way to making others feel more included. Being wired differently is completely OK–being intolerant of differences is not.

So, why am I sharing this? I’m not sure. I’m a very private person–that’s not by accident. I have spent my entire life being misunderstood. Putting my feelings into writing has been primarily therapeutic for me, as I find that I can articulate myself much more eloquently through written word than verbally. I hope it has offered you some perspective and insight into my inner world.

I’m “coming out” as autistic in a rather harsh landscape, where it’s likely other people won’t actually believe me, or even discriminate against me.

As trite as it sounds, it would make me so happy to know that someone reading this might recognize similarities in their own behaviours (or their child’s behaviour) and decide to seek testing. Reflecting on my life thus far, I realize how much self-compassion I could have shown myself if I had known earlier. On the flip side, the thought of potentially living my entire life without knowing I was autistic, is unsettling.

Disapproval has been so painful for me in the past. My mother’s disapproval as a kid, morphed into external social disapproval as an adult. I’ve been waiting most of my life to fit in. Waiting for my life to begin. Waiting for the proper me. Truth is, I will never fit in. A part of me is still unsure what is authentically me, what is my trauma, what is my disability. Where does each one stop and the other begin?

Building a lifestyle that revolves around my strengths rather than pushing to overcome my weaknesses, is my goal for this year. Embracing and being compassionate towards my limitations will aid in creating a purposeful, slower, and more comfortable life.

For too long, my existence has felt fragmented. Autism has the potential to serve as the adhesive that reunites some of those scattered pieces.

It’s an existence where someone like me, can still be recognized as worthy and whole.

[mirletaliz]

August 12,2016. I found out I had #BladderCancer. The world around me blurred out & everything sounded like the adults on Peanuts cartoons. I thought for sure I had received a death sentence. I’m fairly sure medical team thought so too even though I hadn’t met them yet. Still, after doing my own research, speaking with doctors I worked with & learning the treatment plan devised for me, I increasingly became determined to kick cancer’s ass. Eight years later, despite the odds, I am still here. I don’t “celebrate” my #cancerversary in a traditional sense, but I do take time for immense #gratitude & #introspection. I remain grateful to have a life to live when odds were that I wouldn’t. I remain grateful for the understanding, love, support, & grace I’ve continuously gotten from too many sources to name. I remain #focused & #determined despite the physical, emotional & financial traumas I’ve faced since that diagnosis eight years ago. There is no going back to how things were. There is only moving forward into the present. Thank you to everyone who has helped me survive. I am forever #grateful. #8years #EightYears #UrostomyLife #CancerSurvivor #SpoonieLife

[lancerious]

Kinda in a vent mood so I'm going to just, well, vent for a bit here about why I've been MIA for a while, not just here, but elsewhere too. Iykyk

So I've kinda been having a rough time lately, "lately" as in the past month or two, pretty much ever since summer vacation started for those who have it. The job I had prior to summer was mostly tied to undergrad schooling, so when summer came around, my job went poof. I've been searching for a new job ever since & am now gonna work at a grocery store so that's the good news, but this isn't really why I've been absent, it's pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

The main issue is...I've just been struggling to focus. A LOT. I also have serious motivation issues, and these things combined make attempting a lot of things, even relatively minuscule tasks, a living hell. Add in the fact that I still have some bad habits--aka not communicating often, among others--and it's a recipe for disaster. For a long time this whole "lack of attention & motivation" issue wasn't a major problem, but now that I'm out in the real world with tangible consequences, suddenly my previously-deemed "minor" issues are gargantuan.

I constantly distract myself from what I should be doing. For example, if I need to do research for something I barely have any grasp on, I always say "I'll do it later" but never ACTUALLY do it later. Then I'm left confused wondering where the heck the time went. And once I miss deadlines and/or need to take responsibility & let others know of something, I can't do that either because I feel I'll be judged for not being done on time, as I think my excuse of "oh I just got distracted" will be a weak excuse, especially since I repeatedly have this problem. So I just stay silent, desperately hoping others don't notice and/or simply move on without me.

I've yet to fully practice ways around these issues. It's not like I don't KNOW there are methods I can put in place to help prevent scenarios like this, I simply haven't been able to rely on them yet. Things like this don't come easy, and they take time & effort on my end, which I'm struggling to produce.

For so long I always had the mindset of "if it comes easy to me, I'll naturally do it". This is an inherently flawed perspective. Not only does this mean I hardly ever do things that do NOT come easy to me, but this doesn't even apply to things that DO come easy to me, at least not always. Take writing for example, I ADORE writing, it's my true passion. And yet, I haven't produced any writing material for a few months now. I WANT to, I have the motivation to do so, but my mind makes the task seem perilous & time-sucking when I KNOW it isn't if I just START. I'm not sure how to change this mindset to fit how reality truly works.

I'm an almost 20-year-old seemingly with the mindset of someone much younger than me, which is severely impacting my quality of life. I'm not sure what it'll take to snap me out of this mindset, but I'm getting pretty concerned. I've had a super smooth upbringing, which while nice at the time, it didn't help me much in retrospect. I didn't learn a lot of the life skills a functioning adult needs, and my present self is now suffering due to this.

This part is pretty personal: The more time passes, the more I see myself struggle, the more I think I may have ADHD, autism, or both. I see signs of both so I'm not sure what the official verdict is. Maybe I'm misidentifying things, maybe I'm making an excuse in my mind to explain my behavior. I really don't know. I don't want to be the type of person who explains all their problems away with ADHD/autism, I hate people who do that & I really don't want to come across that way.

I got a scheduled appointment with someone who has the ability to give an official diagnosis, then I'll go from there. I'm not sure what I'll do after that. I'm hopeful this can lead to something.

Really I'm tired of people telling me I can easily control my bad habits: lack of focus, motivation issues, and so on. Those close to me IRL have constantly said something along the lines of "you're not trying hard enough" & "you clearly don't care anyway". Maybe that would've helped a younger me, but right now that makes me feel more insecure.

I don't want to use my presumed, possible ADHD and/or autism as a crux for all my issues. I want to try my best to not do that. I really just want a possible explanation & advice on where to go next. And if I get told I have neither ADHD nor autism, then...I really don't know where to move forward.

I'm not trying to say all of this as an excuse for why I've been unresponsive. I'm saying all this so you all can hopefully understand where I'm coming from & what I'm struggling with. What I have failed to do is still wholly my responsibility & I take full accountability. So to those I ghosted for a while, I sincerely apologize for leaving you in the dark. I acted poorly, and I'll try to do better going forward.

All of this being said, thank you for reading if you made it this far. I know I don't usually make posts like these--I tend to keep my feelings & thoughts to myself, especially when it comes to the Internet. But this has been going on for so long that I guess I cracked & had to get something out there.

I really hope I can resume writing things soon, I've developed a lot of ideas & writing always make me feel better, if just for a while. We'll have to see as I take life one step at a time, slowly "adulting".

[mentalmindsetmatters]

Adult ADHD: Symptoms, Challenges And Strategies

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is often shrouded in myths and misconceptions, particularly when it pertains to adults. Far beyond being a condition limited to childhood, adult ADHD carries its own set of challenges, impacts, and nuances that deeply influence daily life and overall well-being. Understanding the symptoms and ways to manage them can significantly improve quality of life for adults living with ADHD.

What is ADHD in Adults?

Contrary to common belief, ADHD does not dissolve with age. Approximately 4% to 5% of adults worldwide are estimated to live with ADHD, yet a majority of these cases remain undiagnosed or misconceived as mere personality quirks. The diagnosis process often comes later in life, catching adults by surprise when they learn their lifelong challenges have a name. ADHD in adults is marked by continuous patterns of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness, slightly nuanced compared to those in children.

Primary Symptoms of Adult ADHD

Inattention and Its Impact

For adults with ADHD, inattention might manifest as an overwhelming difficulty in organizing tasks, prioritizing responsibilities, or maintaining focus on work projects or conversations. This isn’t just about occasionally forgetting details; it's a consistent struggle that can impede personal and professional growth.

Hyperactivity and Impulsivity in Adulthood

Hyperactivity in adults may not be as overt as in children. It might present as restlessness, a penchant for taking risks without weighing the consequences, or an inexhaustible energy for new projects without finishing old ones. Impulsiveness could mean spontaneous decisions with significant repercussions or blurting out thoughts without considering their impact.

Overlooked Symptoms and Their Significance

Some symptoms fly under the radar because they're not as easily associated with the traditional understanding of ADHD. These can include difficulty in managing time efficiently, extreme procrastination, and struggles with self-esteem due to repeated failures or criticisms.

Secondary Symptoms and Comorbidities

Living with ADHD often means grappling with more than just the primary symptoms. Emotional dysregulation, such as quick temper flares or sudden bouts of depression, complicates the picture. Many adults also face sleep disturbances, anxiety disorders, or suffer from relationship issues. Depression and ADHD often coexist, making it imperative to approach treatment holistically.

Impact on Daily Life and Well-being

Career and Educational Challenges

Adults with ADHD may find navigating their careers or educational paths particularly challenging. Scattered attention can impair learning and job performance, possibly affecting employment status and personal fulfillment.

Financial Management Difficulties

ADHD can extend its chaotic touch to financial management, with impulsivity leading to unplanned expenditures and inattention contributing to missed bills or mismanaged budgets.

Strategies for Coping and Thriving with ADHD

Despite the hurdles, many effective strategies exist to empower adults with ADHD. Techniques include breaking down tasks into manageable parts, using digital tools for organization, seeking professional coaching, and exploring medication or therapy options as needed. Support groups both online and offline can offer valuable advice and camaraderie.

Conclusion

Acknowledging and understanding the complexities of adult ADHD is the first step toward reclaiming control over one’s life. With appropriate support and strategies, adults with ADHD can thrive in all areas of life. If you recognize these symptoms in yourself or someone close to you, consider seeking a professional evaluation. The path to understanding and managing ADHD is a deeply personal and liberating journey.

Remember, ADHD does not define you, nor does it limit what you can achieve. With each challenge comes an opportunity for growth, learning, and self-discovery. Empowerment starts with education, so share your story, seek out resources, and become an advocate for your well-being.

[motherofkrypton]

Mental Health

Why is there soo much stigmatism when it comes to mental health? We preach about caring for our physical with immunizations, physicals, dental appointments, nutrition and cancer screenings. But what about our brain? Our brain plays such a huge role in everything that we do...when parts of it are damaged it affects other parts of our being as well, if our brain functions a bit differently that is something important to know. Yet more often than not, this comes from adults, mental health diagnosis' are referred to as "being labeled" or a person makes a remark that the person diagnosed "has nothing wrong with them". To that extent I do agree, in saying nothing is wrong with the person, because while they have a medical condition there is nothing wrong with who they are. But once the person displays those same issue later in life, people want to act as if it was something that suddenly happened. Just today I experienced how some people are about mental health and I simply stopped the conversation.

It seems that we praise the findings/lack of findings when it comes to physical ailments and if treatments are going well, we congratulate the person. When someone struggles mentally things such as: you just have to pay attention; you're not trying; you're lazy; your emo; you just want attention; you're faking it; mental illness is fake; you don't look like you have *enter any mental health thing* or my personal favorite "why do you want to be labeled?"). People turn caring for your mental health to be something negative. Even parents sometimes will ignore the genuine issues their child has because they don't want them to be "labeled". A diagnosis is not something that should be seen as a bad thing. It allows for those around the person to be able to help them in a way that will actually help the person. The student failing because their mental health is being ignored is saddening. No child should have to endlessly struggle and be behind everyone else simply because their parent doesn't want to seek help. It is not something that is the parents fault either.

Today was a very big day for my little girl in the right direction of finally getting her help in school! My kids' school won't do a learning plan of any kind without a formal diagnosis stating that the child needs help in school. For me, the way she is has never been a problem. Yes, my little fighter has for sure been more difficult than my other two have been, but she is who she is. I am glad that I stepped in and said no... she needs help, and she is going to get it. Her grandparents, as well as her father, see a diagnosis as a label too (hence why I stopped my conversation today). Normally she mellows out a little if she has something with caffeine in it and of course with her appointment being in the morning I wasn't letting her have any. This resulted in her bouncing off the walls at the appointment, not listening and just being as she would at home. In school she is trying so hard not to get a sad face at the end of the day that they only see the distraction part of the problem (the energy release happens as soon as I get her from school). After being with us for an hour, just watching my daughter while we talked about her, the psychiatrist said that she for sure has ADHD and that she might possibly be high functioning autistic as well. She wants to see if we can help her gain skills that will be helpful in school, increase her focus and just generally slow things down for her a little bit. Not sure what I need for the school but that is my next step (the office has you pay for any paperwork) and I'll be in contact with them once break is over.

[artistloversdiary]

Fighting like a warrior —  Bilateral Mean Hearing Loss

"I’ve been told many times that living with a diagnosis like this is impossible with the pain being unbearable, hurtful comments always coming along my way and always felt like I was an outcast.”

A few years after I was born, so around the age of 4, my parents told me that unfortunately my hearing range was really low and I needed to get a diagnosis in order to wear hearing aids. (For those that aren’t quite yet familiar with hearing loss as a diagnosis and how much that would mean in terms of decibels lost, here is a small list: Mild Hearing Loss - Loss of 20-40 decibels; Moderate Hearing Loss  - Loss of 41-60 decibels, Severe Hearing Loss — Loss of 61-80 decibels and Profound Hearing Loss —Loss of more than 81 decibels.)

When I was told about this, my parents instantly started crying rivers of tears, not knowing how to handle their emotions in front of me which was a normal reaction. Knowing how much my parents were crying, the instant reaction was to cry too...but little did I know how much would this impact me later on as a teenager, almost an adult.

Now I know, that digging deep into my memory, related to how I felt back then, impacted by my parent's reactions, it wasn't something I had the power to control as emotions come normally and they're part of our ways of reacting to events or let alone situations that may or may not involve us. Besides this, I was a little young to understand the severity of the situation at hand.

At first, as you can image I wasn't impacted by the diagnosis or even getting to wear hearing aids. However, over time, it became a challenge I had to fight against and was not backing down, even if this meant I'd have to suffer through a lot of mental breakdowns that I began losing count of how many I went through. Now, I may be exaggerating but am I really, knowing how badly bullied I've been throughout the days, weeks, months or even years?

No matter how strong I am mentally or even physically, it was impossible for me to understand that this problem is a part of my life and that there is nothing wrong with wearing hearing aids. (This problem has been called by me and by mom a disability, that's been closing my eyes shut, to never let me see the real perspective behind wearing such devices.) It is indeed not true, but no magic or light, the way you want to view it will be willing to let me see that. So, with this in mind, I've been an outcast my whole entire life. What is worse, is even being colorblind. Through all this I learned to be resilient, capable and supportive of my own actions towards me or others.

To conclude this post, as a reflection I'd like to say this: Conquering giants, so problems or issues is never wrong, it's about the way you choose the right weapons and options to get through them, to see more than the surface allows you to. Be brave, be cunning!