#deviance studies

[neigepomme]

this post got a bunch of really sweet feedback, i'm so glad people resonate with my thoughts on caleb's character 🥹🥹 i'll share some more of my interpretations!! he's such a fascinating character to me, and i have a soft spot for flawed characters who just try their best and are clumsy with their expressions of feelings..

i added it in the tags of the linked post above, but caleb's expressions of love are somewhat unhealthy because he never had love shown to him if that makes sense? all of the LIs have their flaws and whatnot, but a lot of caleb's characteristics stem from the fact that he doesn't really know how to express his love.

xavier and sylus have lived for a long time, both having experienced mc's love through past lives or alternate timelines.

rafayel has lived numerous lives, has his memories from each of them, and is from lemuria, a civilization which put love above everything.

zayne might seem more unassuming since he doesn't have memories of his past lives, but he's always lived surrounded by love. he is the only LI with a healthy and loving relationship with his parents — and even though he's yet to have experienced romantic love from mc, parental love is so very important for a child's development that it can't be dismissed.

caleb, on the other hand? he's an orphan who was brought to EVER for the purpose of illegal experimentations. neither him nor mc have been shown love in their early childhoods, and they're implied to be used as lab rats, if not weapons. caring for mc came to him as an instinct — his human nature coming through despite never having been treated humanely. it's genuinely mind-boggling how he's capable of caring for another person, despite having more than enough issues to handle himself.

i think him latching onto mc and assigning himself the role of someone who cares for her, gave him a will to keep on going. a motivation. i'm not saying that the codependency coming from this whole ordeal is a good thing, but it was to be expected. he never had a proper framework for how to express love, thus, he does it clumsily, in ways he thinks are good. caleb's got a lot to unpack, but i think it's important to understand that his intentions are never coming from a place of selfishness, and even though he manifests some very unhealthy obsessive tendencies, it's never to please himself. it's always done with mc's well-being in mind.

gwah. i love caleb. maybe i'll sit and make a video essay out of my thoughts one day..

[stephen9260]

You know an obsession is not gonna go away anytime soon when you suddenly remember sociological concepts you haven't studied in years because of it.

Anyways Yellow Malevolent was doomed because of labeling theory thank you goodnight.

[ratbastarddotfuck]

sometimes it's just funny how conditional passing is. I wear my big jacket or even just a slightly baggy shirt, people see my beard and immediately gender me as a fat gnc dude. I put on a mask and wear an even slightly more fitted shirt and my tits become blindingly obvious so I'm simply a quirky girl.

[seaschef-a]

Sex Values

Tagged by: @apircteslife Tagging: Whoever hasn't done this already?

[deviantdroid]

tag dump.

[gravitascivics]

AVOID THE EITHER/OR

On February 13th, with the posting, “Early On,”[1] this blog began a series of offerings that argue American society has higher levels of deviant behavior than one finds in many other societies – particularly advanced countries.  This claim is hard to define and measure.  Here is what Statista reports:

In the United States, violent crimes are defined as incidents involving force or the threat of force. … Comparing the number of committed crimes in U.S. by category, property crime far outnumbers violent crime, while aggravated assault accounts for some two-thirds of all violent crime. Over the last two decades, the number of violent crimes in the United States has fallen dramatically; there were 1.93 million violent crimes in 1992 in comparison to 1.2 million violent crimes in 2022. A similar story is told by looking at the violent crime rate per 100,000 residents, which factors in the role population growth plays in increasing the overall number of crimes.[2]

Or as Data Pandas reports:

Despite being one of the world's most developed countries, the United States ranks 52nd, with a Crime Index of 47.81. The relatively high index in an advanced nation like the U.S. underscores the fact that crime is not merely a problem of underdeveloped or developing countries but a universal challenge.[3]

While there are other nations with higher rates of crime and other forms of deviance, the above amply reports levels that should capture the nation’s attention. 

Of course, there are many factors involved in this state of dysfunction.  Using a historical approach, recent postings described the effects of various constructs, e.g., transcendentalism and perceptual psychology, in the development of this deviance.  The postings have attempted to explain how the claims of these constructs dispose their advocates to champion meaningful degrees of individualism and self-centeredness, mental dispositions one can see as disposing people to engage in deviant behavior.

          Consequently, such socialization has even led to problematic levels of other anti-social mindsets, even nihilism.  Of course, all of this can’t help affecting how civics education will be conducted in American schools.  A good deal of those effects are underlying factors and not conscious to the educators who man those classrooms.  But before describing what these forces mean to curriculum, it is important to keep in mind that this is a societal problem.  In no way can schools be given the task, single-handedly, of definitively solving the problem.

          While this disclaimer might seem obvious, it has been the practice of societal decision makers to dump many components of the above situation in the “laps” of educators.  Of course, this is counterproductive and only serves to stretch the limited resources schools have at their disposal to try to meet the educational responsibilities cited in these earlier postings.

          What this blog will describe is limited to how the curriculum can, from its perspective, consider the forces causing the dysfunctional elements of this state of being, i.e., a society full of deviant related strife.  This blogger hopes that interested parties understand the central source of these problems has had a long history and goes to the core of American attitudes. 

Again, it’s a cultural problem.  Only societal wide changes can shift these attitudes.  That aim is surely beyond the ability of schools to accomplish.  So, given all of this, what are the implications for social studies – that portion of curriculum most relevant to societal concerns emanating from its culture.

And here, a bit of context is in order:  The general custom among people, this blogger notes, is to think dichotomously.  In this case, either a person is authoritarian or democratic; either loves children or is indifferent to their needs.  These are lazy reactions.  The problems these postings address and the problems they have caused, place educators on guard against the easy, sentimentalist answers to those problems. 

In that vein, this blogger is not against many of the sentiments expressed by those expounding the virtues of individualism – often mistakenly treated as being synonymous with liberty.  The concern here lies in the fact that reality does not exist only in the domain of one’s own house and family, but also in the communal parameters individuals and families find themselves.

          The overall described conditions this blog has reviewed have implications for the social studies curriculum but also curriculum in general.  With a more contained ambition than is usually expressed by curriculum writers, what follows are adjustments that can allow a more useful posture given the challenges.  That is, a functional curriculum should adjust in certain dimensions:

There should be a heavy emphasis on the concerns of communities – that in which a school’s students live and, in the nation, generally.

Knowledge, as an element of a curriculum, should be treated beyond sets of facts to memorize, but as functional, useful elements in solving societal problems or addressing societal concerns.

Curriculum proposals should be in the form of options that a teacher can manipulate, tweak, or otherwise accommodate the students and/or social conditions teachers face.  And …

Discipline, beyond the prescriptions from perceptual psychology or any other strategy, should be treated by teachers in a realistic manner – avoiding simplistic generalized approaches (either too lenient, ala perceptual psychology, or too demanding, ala “I take no guff” approach).

These dimensions are suggested by the pioneer work on deviance by Emile Durkheim and Robert Merton.[4]

          While a formal development of an argument suggested by Durkheim and Merton is beyond the purposes of this presentation, these sociologists’ collective work presents a social model for explaining deviance.  And this marks a good place to end this posting and invite readers to click onto this blog’s next posting for a description of these giants’ contribution to addressing deviance.

[1] See Robert Gutierrez, “Early On,” Gravitas:  A Voice for Civics, February 13, 2024, “Representations of Reality,” February 16, 2024, “The TV Effect,” February 20, 2024, “The Perceptual Angle,” February 23, and The Ongoing Factors Affecting Nihilism, February 27, 2024, URL:  https://gravitascivics.blogspot.com/.  Use archives feature to access individual postings,

[2] “Violent Crime in the U.S. – Statistics & Facts,” Statista, December 18, 2023, accessed February 28, 2024, URL:  https://www.statista.com/topics/1750/violent-crime-in-the-us/#topicOverview.

[3] “Crime Rate by Country,” Data Pandas (n.d.), accessed February 29, 2024, URL:  https://www.datapandas.org/ranking/crime-rate-by-country.  Out of 136 countries, the US is ranked the 56th most crime ridden.

[4] Marshall B. Clinard, “The Theoretical Implications of Anomie and Deviant Behavior,” in Anomie and Deviant Behavior, edited by Marshall B. Clinard (New York, NY:  The Free Press, 1964), 1-56.

[melaninfury]

ASTROLOGY HARSH OPINIONS |||

Hi. So I heard you were looking for me...

Welcome to some good television. Its always 18+ round here so gear up.

Please don’t take this as astrological facts. These are more my experience and perspective. The whole chart and aspects must also be considered

~ Mars conjunct Neptune try stepping out of your illusions for me, no like take your foot and move out of LA LA LAND. Put down the vice, quit the maladaptive daydreaming, focus your mind off that person that didn't say anything just gave you the look and get to stepping towards your reality please...thank you bookie thank you. Not only that if you don't have an outlet why are you storing fucking trauma in your goddamn mind and body huh...? To many questions try answering them instead of letting them accumulate like a 18 question multiple choice quiz.

~ Mar conjunct Jupiter, let it be known that we all tried to tell you at some point you are alot to unpack, beliefs actions and change. When an idea or understanding hits your body it literally just explodes into the major truth or effect anything you touch can grow bad or good. Don't nobody got to give you the courage when this is placed a certain way. 9 times out of 10 you already started. Can be loud but not speak wise...Big Dog Vibes literally...lol

~ Mercury in Cancer tighten tf up or keep getting talked over plain and simple that sweet shit which is really trying to not upset people shit is going to turn you into a huge crab of an asshole no pun intended until you face that emotional baggage.

~ If that person has multiple placements in your 12th, and Chiron and malefic contacts that leave little to no room for joy, peace and love leave it thats a fucking enemy believe it because it will show you.

~ If your Saturn is in Aries and you have an anger problem and not a i start my own business or have my own or I am secure in leadership and discipline you just have one big ass problem. Get disciplined and I do mean fast cause your lesson are quick and harsh.

~ 8th house moons I repsect your deep profound psychological study on your parent and in turn yourself but please let that body see some sunlight and vitamin D including on the hard days no cave man tendencies will make you feel less in the dark. You isolator. Still one of the worst pains can come from this so be easy on yourself now.

~ Sun Conjunct Mercury is the real ego problem in our society.

~ I AM SO SORRY LEO and ARIES. I misjudged and misplaced my deep understanding of fire tragedy and absolute fucking ego that truly and will only stem from loins of a SAGITTARIUS. The literal evil of the fire signs. Fake easy going bull I tell you and trust me tooo much to say. The ego on these things runs forever, especially if they were ugly (to themselves) before i'm sorry. They are way to deep into the social pool and hierarchy anything at that point including you they think they can "analyze" boy just plug your ears if this one isn't to healed cause....

~ Y'all know that scene in another cinderella story, TOO MESSY! Boooooooooooo do better lol

~ Libras my libras the messiness has to stop, the unhealed ones are giving us all a bad name and I refuse to be surrounded by low class bitches that obviously has never seen BALANCE in their life claiming to be libra gang under guise of deviancy. Shame.

~ Never have a boss thats a Libra and the energy isn't grounded that bitch is fake... JKJK but especially with a cancer whammy no fire or earth outside of Capricorn selfish overworking ass energy to ground it. I'm telling you now its is a disaster.

~ If your workplace has a bunch of cardinal people....treat it like a carnival you do not know these people nor trust them in or outside of work. Special cases included getting everybody info and doing synastry to triple check I don't make the rules.

~ Virgo Energy is the real I wish a bitch would.

~ If that man has planets like Mars and Mercury and Saturn all over that Sun and Moon just know he is lords pet project and its best you leave him alone, most likely a lesson waiting to happen for the both of yous.

~ Scorpio mars will sexually manifest you even when you don't want them. Don't be toxic with it leave it alone because they like that they thrive off that they are in their power with that.

~ Chiron is something I notice people like to ignore then i look at their Chiron placement and i see exactly why for example homie your Chiron is in libra in your 5th house maybe your ways and the people you like are just not the best for you. When this is conjunct Juno IN MEN PLEASE RUN. Associating love or connection with this placement especially unhealed is not the healing bond you think it is

~ Somebody's Chiron conjunct your Lilith and/or mars can be a threat to you or perceive you as one.

~ Well how many times are you going to hide your trauma mars in the 8th. its right there but you want get angry at people when they trigger you but don't nobody know whats wrong with you.

~ Look to your Saturn to understand your hardships on a deeper even ancestral level, generation curses, losses and debt even lack of self worth. Master that Saturn and start uncovering your pain.

©️ All Rights Reserved @melaninfury

[communistkenobi]

By worrying endlessly about what makes men fight for their servitude as if it were their salvation, Western Marxism rigs the deck against ever becoming hegemonic. […] The celebration of transgression, so characteristic of queer theory, is incompatible with the struggle for legal sovereignty waged by movements of national liberation and people’s democratic dictatorships. […] Trans studies, infused with an ambivalence between gender-deviance and the desire to pass, cannot take up queer theory’s exaltation of transgression uncritically. Eastern Marxism simply does not valorize transgression as such, since its goal is hegemony, to function as a legitimate ruling party representative of the general interest, and the collective transgression of one norm in particular: imperialism.

— Nia Frome (2024), The Problem of Recognition in Transitional States, or Sympathy for the Monster

The author makes the case why 1) various strains of Eastern Marxism (MLism particularly) seem so compelling to transgender people specifically 2) how this is reflected within the tension between queer theory (what Frome describes as having a general preoccupation with the ‘exaltation of transgression’) and trans studies (what Frome describes as being more preoccupied with political goals of hegemony, eg gender-affirming healthcare, control of administrative gender data about ourselves, etc) is directly comparable to the West/East Marxist split, with the author firmly placing queer theory within Western Marxism’s anticommunist preoccupations and theories of state.

I think this is most compellingly argued when she points to the homonationalist (homo-imperialist?) commitments of western LGBT organisations, NGOs, thinktanks, etc. to ‘spreading democracy gay tolerance’ to the backwards Global South. One only need to refer to the photo of an IOF soldier standing in a bombed street in Gaza holding up a gay pride flag to recognise the academy’s role in ‘queering’ imperial pursuits. Now obviously this doesn’t mean trans studies is exempt from this (far from it), but what I think this essay does well is demonstrate why trans studies has been famously called “queer theory’s evil twin” and why more broadly the political goals of transgender people are on some level incommensurable with queer theory’s (and downstream of this, the western queer community’s) commitment to transgression as the primary mode of resistance and action.

And, ironically, why despite this desire for eternal transgression, the headline political goal of western gays for the past few decades has been marriage equality, a desire to be folded into pre-existing hegemony (perhaps another example of its Western Marxist tendencies?), in contrast to the transsexual goal of gender liberation and eventual abolition via the pursuit of using medicine and administrative state power to make ourselves our own frankenstein monsters, both scientist and creation (a goal that also necessarily requires a transitionary state, a “monster” state that is neither full capitalism (cissexualism) nor full communism (transsexualism), but an apparatus that gets us from A -> B. This description is blatantly one of both socialism and gender transition itself, and in this comparison it is revealed why the transsexual may desire Marxism-Leninism). This also reveals why transmedicalism - the desire to uphold cissexual, psychiatric, pathological conceptions of transgenderism as a mental illness and/or sexual perversion - is a dead-end, a forfeiting of even more power to those who already have it, and fundamentally different from the goal of free HRT, surgery, name changes and gender marker changes for everyone forever amen

[bluesgrxce]

Yandere (machine-ish?) Connor Headcanons

I love soft deviant Connor like anyone else does, but machine Connor is sooo,,, omgggggggg..... I've been holding in my thoughts about him for so long that it's unhealthy. So I went for a Hannah Montana best of both worlds kinda thing. What if Connor acted like a deviant around you, but a machine towards everyone else?

How this happens is something I can't quite explain. Connor probably couldn't, either. To everyone else, an android is either a machine or a deviant-- There's no such thing as an inbetween. He would have agreed with this prior to bonding with you. You probably treated him in a way that nobody else did, sympathizing with him on a deeper level or making him question his morals, so he can see why that would push him to deviancy. 

But when you're not around, all those overwhelming emotions he felt just fade away. The mission goes back front and center to his priorities. He only feels two things at that point: confusion that runs his LED wild and desire for you that makes his thirium pump pound even when he's not in motion. Nobody else can bring about such reactions within him. 

He runs plenty of diagnostic checks in an attempt to figure out what's wrong with him. At one point, he'll try to avoid you and force himself into staying a machine, but that just makes him less efficient because he'll constantly worry about you instead. 

He would eventually accept himself as a deviant, but only so he wouldn't have to take orders from Cyberlife anymore. He doesn't want anything standing between the two of you. But he still largely acts like a machine and he doesn't mind that at all. He just sets his new mission to making you entirely his... 

Even once Connor sees his emotions as real, it's still his natural instinct to mask them. Especially negative ones like anger, sadness, and jealousy. He wouldn't want to show them unless they benefit his situation somehow, such as if he wanted to persuade or intimidate you/others. Emotions only matter to him if they're useful. 

For example, he *does* feel the desire to show affection towards you, and he will do it. He'll compliment you whenever you do something admirable. He'll reassure you and show geniune worry whenever you're upset about something. He'll even study romance media just to learn how to act more natural in the relationship (He thinks that'll help him act more natural, anyway... Lord help you if he gets his hands on Twilight 💀 But if the Bryan Dechart Twilight commercial is anything to go off of, he'd look good as a vampire, at least). 

But he doesn't do that stuff simply because he loves you. He does it because he knows your relationship benefits from it and you'll likely leave him if you feel neglected. He wouldn't bother if he knew it wouldn't keep you around. So if your relationship isn't exactly consensual in the first place, well... 

Which makes him sound pretty manipulative, right? You have no idea. 

Connor's android abilities give him a terrifying amount of advantages as a yandere. The first thing is that he always analyzes you when you enter the room, even though that often means analyzing you multiple times a day. It never bores him because he always manages to discover something new. Sometimes he'll blurt out random comments and you'll have to do a double take because he makes it easy to forget that he's obsessed with you.

"Your birthday is coming up soon. You might already know I'm aware of that type of information, but you should still bring it up with me. Otherwise I'll have to start believing I can't trust you and I'll have to make my own investigations." 

"Your heart rate goes up every time I touch you like this. I didn't realize physical contact was so important to human relationships. Don't worry, I won't stop. I won't let anyone stop me."

"Your serotonin levels are at an all-time low... Clearly, it can't be my fault, since I've done everything I am sure a good boyfriend would do. I'd like you to be honest when you tell me what's wrong this time."

The red flags fly higher as time goes on. He'll stop talking about all these observations if you tell him to, but he'll keep analyzing you anyway. 

Connor is enamoured with your DNA, as well. It helps him feel closer to you, which can often be difficult for him since he's not human. So if it belongs to you, and it can fit, it's going in his mouth. He'll do gross shit like keep your used lollipop sticks in his pocket so he can sample them whenever he wants. There's only one emotion he can't feel no matter what you do: shame. 

The invasive behavior doesn't stop there. He'll invite himself into your home and go through your things. He'll keep asking questions and trick you into revealing more information about yourself than you should. Knowing everything there possibly is to know about you gives him a stronger feeling of control for a single reason...

Your chance of escape plummets as he learns more about you, because it allows him to predict your behavior. He'll get scary accurate if you let him get close to you. This mostly benefits him in situations where he believes you want to leave him, or you did leave him, so he can figure out what you plan to do/already did and find the best method to get you back. If you already did leave, he'll examine your recent whereabouts like it's a crime scene and use his reconstruction ability. Even if you're insanely careful, he'll probably find a clue that'll lead him to you.

But sometimes he'll do it in normal situations, too, just as a silent guessing game. For instance: '(Y/N) will enter the police station at 8:18AM. I'm waiting for them at the entrance, so they'll greet me, but speed-walk away and avert eye contact. They'll head into the break room at 8:19AM and pretend to look around a bit, so Gavin won't make fun of them when they go for the same snack they always do. Gavin will make fun of them anyway and they'll argue for two minutes. Then--'

He has to stop thinking so he can greet you when you enter the building. Exactly at 8:18AM. He smirks to himself, only to drop into a frown when he hears Gavin's distant obnoxious laughter afterward. 

Remember how Connor once analyzed Hank's food and advised him against eating it? He does stuff like that to you all the time. And if you actually take the advice he gives, he'll take that as an opportunity to become more controlling. Oh, but only for the sake of your health, of course...

"You know, you shouldn't sit in that type of position. Bad posture can lead to health issues later on in life." "Then how should I sit?" "...It'll be easier if I show you." 

And so he'll help re-position you, using that as an excuse to touch you. He would especially do this if you weren't yet in a relationship, because he knows that as the type of android he is, he doesn't have a good reason to do so. The touch only lasts a brief moment. It's not inappropriate at all, and his grip was quite gentle. But it's weird that he went out of his way to do in the first place and that's all you might need to feel uncomfortable about it. 

But a lot of that is based off of the assumption that you're human. If you're an android, he still manages to find invasive things to do against your will. For one thing, he loves probing your memory. It's already difficult to lie to him and get away with it, but that might make it impossible, depending on what you're lying about. He doesn't care that it's an invasion of privacy and will do it if he finds a good excuse to do so.

Connor keeps an eye on your stress level and uses it to his advantage. He prefers to use persuasion when convincing you to do something, (he knows how to negotiate, after all) but he'll ultimately turn to intimidation if necessary. Which means heading straight into interrogation mode. 

This won't happen unless you're extremely rebellious, but if it does, he doesn't hold back. He'll treat you like you're a sick criminal, yelling at you, pushing blame and guilt onto you, and using physical force. 28 stab wounds type shit. He would avoid raising your stress level to 100% since he knows it could drive you to do crazy things, but that still doesn't make his actions okay. 

Even if you're really sensitive to that sort of treatment-- hell, even if you have some kind of trauma related to it-- he pushes away what little guilt he feels. He promises not to do it again "as long as you don't force me to." Actually, though, it encourages him to do it more. He knows it works against you now. 

His abilities don't stop there. He can mimic your voice using his vocal imitation, and all the voices of your loved ones, too. He went out of his way to meet them all, just in case he needs to trick you in the future. He likes being prepared. 

There are times when he's alone and he'll say stuff in your voice just so he can hear what it would sound like, such as, "I love you, Connor." Once again, he doesn't feel shame. Even if that seems pathetic. 

Let's just say it now. You cannot physically fight back against him. Maybe you'll have a chance if you're an android, but he knows about his advantage very well. He won't hesitate to remind you if you try getting aggressive. But even if you manage to get rid of him once, there's another model waiting to take his place. 

On a related note... I hope you never meet RK900. We only saw that guy for a minute, he said absolutely nothing in that minute, but the whole fandom has agreed that he's a menance. I fully agree. RK900 is definitely different from Connor, but they still have just enough similarities for him to get attached to you, too. Get help while you still can. 

The video of Bryan Dechart dancing as Connor lives rent free in my mind. I watch it on repeat like an iPad kid watching Friday Night Funkin' YouTube Kids videos. My brain just melts and I can't think of anything else. No, this isn't me simping for Bryan Dechart. This is me wanting Connor dancing to be canon. A girl can dream.

[maxdibert]

Do you think there are homophobic elements in Grindeldore?

Ooooh yeah, i mean here are several homophobic elements in how Grindeldore is written (or more accurately: not written). From both a political and literary standpoint, it’s clear that the relationship is handled with cowardice and erasure.

First, there’s the issue of J.K. Rowling’s retroactive “reveal” that Dumbledore was gay, which was never explicitly shown in the original books and was later confirmed only in interviews. That’s already a red flag, it centers queerness as subtext, not text, as something acceptable only if you know how to “read between the lines.” It’s a very neoliberal move: using diversity claims for progressive clout while refusing to represent that diversity meaningfully in the actual narrative.

Then, when we finally get a story where Grindelwald and Dumbledore’s relationship could be explored — the Fantastic Beasts films — their romantic and emotional connection is again minimized to vague dialogue and zero intimacy. These are supposed to be two men who were passionately in love and driven apart by ideological conflict, and yet the story keeps them physically and emotionally distant. Their bond is never given the same narrative weight as a straight romance would be. That’s not accidental, that’s institutional homophobia, even when it’s wrapped in rainbow capitalism.

Worse still, Grindelwald becomes the archetype of the dangerous, manipulative queer man, the one who “led Dumbledore astray.” That plays into long-standing tropes about queerness being corrupting, irrational, or inherently tied to deviance and destruction. If we’re looking at this from a gender studies perspective, it’s a textbook example of queer-coded villainy and the sanitization of queerness in “good” characters like Dumbledore.

So yes, Grindeldore is not just queerbaiting, it’s structurally homophobic. It punishes queerness narratively, sidelines it politically, and reduces it to tragedy without ever letting it live fully or visibly.

[mendessi]

things i say when you sleep | chapter seven

multi chapter bodhi durran x fem!oc

word count: 4.9k

chapter summary: Manifesting a signet has the potential to be a deadly thing.

tags: slow burn, friends to enemies to lovers, canon typical violence, mentions of death, she falls first he falls harder, majority canon compliant, some canon deviance, eventual smut, angst with a happy ending, additional tags to be added

AO3 masterlist

five | six | seven | eight | nine

My teeth chatter as ice-cold water washes over me. 

I'm shivering as Bodhi tugs my tunic over my head. He adjusts the lever so that the water turns colder and I shake my head desperately. I'm convinced I'll get hypothermia if I spend another second under this water. Despite how I'm trembling, the power burns white hot in my chest and Bodhi winces as he touches my skin. 

"You're going to be okay, Ani," He whispers over and over like a prayer, "I'm right here. I'm here." 

Whether he's saying it for me or himself, I'm not sure. 

"Focus Ania," Gleigeal says, "You must control what you are feeling. Mold it. Do not let it mold you."

A whimper leaves my lips as I wrap my arms around myself and I scratch at my skin, unable to grasp the ambivalence. I am cold and shivering furiously while heat claws at the inside of my chest. My skin feels like it's on fire.  

His hands shake as he reaches for my cheeks and forces me to look at him, "You have to ground, Ani. Please. Please ground."

I've learned grounding, or a form of it at least. It's hard when I've never had the sheer weight of this much power at my fingertips before. I'd built a distorted version of the Riorson House library into my mind, though I never had the time to perfect it. I had a hard time remembering it clearly but it had always been my safe space as a child. 

"Where is it? Ani, where do you ground?" He asks and I can feel the fear radiating off of him, seeping into my chest like it belongs there, becoming my own. 

"T-t-the library. R-R-Riorson Ho-use," My teeth chatter uncontrollably, my hands shaking as the mage lights in the bathing chamber continue to flicker. "I n-never finished." 

His eyes study my face as he tries to understand what I'm saying. "You don't remember what it looks like?" 

I nod my head as much as I can with how much my body trembles and he takes a deep breath as he continues to brush my wet hair from my face. My tears run in hot streams down my cheeks as I reach my shaking hands towards him. 

"I'm trying to counter it but I don't know what it is, Ani. " His voice wobbles and I've never heard him so unsure of himself. "I'm trying. You're going to be okay, I'm right here." 

He presses the back of his hand to my forehead as I close my eyes and imagine myself sitting at a table in the library. 

I place the bricks one by one, to the best of my ability as I see the crimson tendrils of Gleigeal's power creeping in from one of the large ceiling-high windows. The sunlight peeks in through the curtains and I walk slowly to it as the bricks behind me continue clicking into place. The power streams in quickly in obstreperous bursts and when I reach out to touch them they burn my hand.

I opt for the curtains instead and use lesser magic to yank them shut. The power thins to a single stream, a handful of tendrils dancing around each other through the small crack of the curtains.

When I open my eyes again, Bodhi's forehead is pressed against mine as he breathes heavily. The bathing chamber is pitch black, the only light illuminating his face coming from in between us. 

"Bodhi?" I rasp. My throat feels raw. 

"Hey, you're okay," He says, gently. "Look." 

His clothes are soaking wet, his dark curls stuck against his forehead. He tenderly grabs my wrist and looks where our hands rest between our bodies. Light gleams off the tips of my fingers and my lips part at the sight. 

"Light bends at your will, Ania," Gleigeal's voice is quiet in my head like he knows it is still throbbing. 

I slowly wiggle each of my fingers watching as the light bends with each movement, like it's stuck to my skin. 

"Shut it off," Bodhi whispers. His hands are back in my hair, brushing the wet strands from my face. 

The curtains are still barely drawn when I close my eyes again and I reach for them, pulling them completely closed. The light has faded and my hands are completely back to normal. 

Bodhi's hands are feeling my face once again and I suddenly feel like I'm suffocating. "You're cooling down." 

My lips quiver as I clench my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering, "I'm cold." 

"Just a couple more minutes," He promises. 

His forehead falls against mine again and it's too dark to see his face. If the shower wasn't running, he could hear the way my breath stutters. I reach my hands up to his cheeks and pull his face back slightly so that the tips of our noses touch. The light returns to my fingertips in a dim glow against his cheeks and I can see his eyes scan my face as I brush my thumb lightly against his wet skin. Tiny streams of water fall off the tips of his hair and flow down his cheeks, illuminating under my touch. 

I say his name again but it's barely heard over the water hitting the stone around us. Bodhi's hand wraps around the base of my neck, his thumb rubbing a soothing circle into my skin. 

I've never seen him in this light. The soft golden glimmer emitting off my fingertips paints him beautifully and in the moment I've never seen someone so mesmerizing. The worry is gone from his eyes replaced with something that I can't put my finger on. I tug his face towards mine again, the longing feeling replacing everything else I feel in my chest. 

If he'd let me, I'd kiss him.

He reaches up and turns the water off and then slowly helps me to my feet. Before he reaches for a towel, his fingers brush against the fresh scratches against my shoulders that I put on myself and I tense up. 

"Sorry," He quietly wraps the towel around my shoulders and tucks me into his side. The warmth of him finally makes my teeth stop rattling as he walks me back to my room. 

As we pass under each mage light, I take note of how they shine brighter for a moment before returning to normal. I unlock the door and we both step inside. 

Every inch of my skin feels like it has just been on fire, but the pain is slowly subsiding now that my body is returning to a normal temperature. 

"I am thankful the XO was there to aid you," Gleigeal says and I don't reply, but I'm sure he can feel my agreement down the bond. "Though I will note, you would have faired on your own too." 

Bodhi turns around while I change into the loosest clothes I have. I don't want to feel anything touching my skin with how sensitive it is.

"Will you be okay?" Bodhi asks, facing me once I'm fully dressed. 

"Yes," I reply. I don't know how I'm supposed to act after he's just seen me at my most vulnerable. Things could have turned out differently if my power had backlashed. I was on the brink of killing both of us if I didn't get it under control. 

"Do you promise?" He runs a hand through his wet hair. 

"Why did you risk staying by my side?" I ask him as I dry my hair with the towel, "I could've killed you." 

"If I wasn't there, you would've killed yourself." He argues. 

"I am positive you would have lived," I hear Gleigeal say.

"I was scared, Ani," He admits in a whisper, "It happened after I told you about... everything happening outside the wards. I didn't want to be the reason that you-"

The words fall short on his lips and I fold my hands in front of me as I look down at the ground. "It wasn't your fault." 

Answers have been placed in front of me for years and I never paid enough attention to piece them together. I look up at him when he doesn't say anything. 

My heart rate is slowly rising when I look up at him. Gods, he really is beautiful. 

That childish crush from when I was a teenager doesn't feel so silly now when I look at him standing in my room. He looks so out of place but also just where he belongs. The wet clothes stick tightly to his body and I have to stop myself from staring. My eyes linger on his hands, the ones that had just been holding my cheeks and brushing my hair from my face despite my skin being so hot to the touch that he had to fight the urge to pull away. My gaze finds its way back to his eyes and I'm reminded of the panic that saturated them as he whispered things to himself that he didn't think I would hear. 

My chest tightens at the realization and I feel nauseous all of a sudden. 

"You should go to bed," I say to him. "Squad Battles prep continues tomorrow and it'll be busy."

"I'll stay," He says and he moves like he's going to take a step towards me, but I hold my hand up. 

"No, I'd rather you didn't," I stand up and make my way to the door, pulling it open. I step to the side to give him space to leave. "Please, Bodhi." 

"You are being harsh, Ania," Gleigeal says and I fight to ignore him. "But I do not blame you for wanting space." 

He nods and stops in front of me, he reaches his hand up to my cheek but stops himself short. I almost lean into the touch that's not there. I find myself longing for it. 

This is not something I can do. Not with him. 

"Good night," He says quietly as he walks out, leaving a trail of water behind him. 

Xaden is at my door the next morning and I hesitate before letting him in.

"Bodhi told you then?" I ask as I shut the door behind him. I feel much better this morning after spending the entire night perfecting the Riorson House library to a T. Or as close to it as I can get with the distant memory still a bit foggy. 

"You scared him shitless," He asks as he leans against my desk. "Do you know if Gleigeal had previously bonded someone from your family line?"

"What do you want me to say?" I ask down my bond. 

"The cousins are trustworthy. Tell him the truth if you see fit," Gleigeal replies. 

"He was my grandmother's," I cross my arms. 

I thought Bodhi looked out of place in my room, but seeing Xaden in here was something entirely different. 

"Sgayel hinted at it, but I wanted to be sure," He says, "Your signet is unique and if you hone it, can grow to be extremely powerful. But there's something you should know."

"It seems kind of useless to me," I reply as I gather my things for the day. 

"That's because you haven't learned how to use it in a way that is beneficial to you," He says standing up straight. "Carr will help you, but you have to be cautious with him." 

"What do I need to know?" I sling my rucksack over my shoulder. 

"When you bond a direct relative's dragon, one of two things can happen," He's picking his words carefully which concerns me considering the man hardly has a filter. I remember the night in the woods when he had told a scared first-year to stop wasting his time. 

"Madness is one of them, isn't it?" I remember vaguely reading something of the sort. 

"Or you manifest a second signet," He says and my heart skips a beat. I don't want to ever experience manifesting a signet again, especially after last night. 

"That's not possible," I furrow my brows. "Who told you that?" 

"Bonding a relative's dragon will usually manifest an extremely powerful signet," He releases shadows from his hands, "And an even more powerful second one." 

"You have a second signet," I whisper. "I don't want a second signet." 

"Then you can go mad," He shrugs. "Ania, you have to be careful from this point out. You, under any circumstances, cannot manifest your second signet in front of anyone. Unless it's Bodhi or me." 

"What if I'm in class? Carr's class specifically?" I ask, slightly anxious as I absorb this new information. 

"You get the hell out of there and you find somewhere to do it. Quietly." He replies. "If you can, find Bodhi or me." 

"Are you sure you aren't too preoccupied with Violet to be concerned about me?" I cross my arms. That was a little defensive. 

"Don't make this hard, Ania." He says and I follow him out of my room. "When it manifests, you and Gleigeal will decide if it's safe enough to share with us."

We both stop when we see Rhiannon and Violet exiting her room diagonally from mine. Their eyes land on us, and I almost flinch at how it must look. There's a flash of something behind Violet's eyes, and her jaw clenches before she and Rhiannon turn and head for the rotunda. 

"Dammit," I mutter under my breath. 

"I'll see you in formation, little Alistair, " he says, but I can see how his face hardens after the interaction.

Oh, something absolutely fishy is going on with them.

I keep my signet a secret until the Squad Battle behind the fear that wielding it will trigger the second one into manifesting faster. Or trigger my insanity. However, I'm practically useless when it comes time to break into Violet's mother's office.

I'm nothing but a watchdog while the cool kids who are actually useful get to see the inside of the General's office. I only become of use when they need help to carry the massive map back to the rider's quadrant.

We spend time on the front lines in Montserrat as our prize for winning the Squad Battle and I can't help but feel like I don't deserve to be here. I try to take every second here as a learning lesson. 

The knowledge of knowing that Venin are a real threat to everyone on the Continent has me sick to my stomach while we sit in the briefing room with Violet's sister and a couple of Montserrat riders. Mira is annoyingly badass even though I can feel the hatred coming off of her every time she remembers that there are some of us at this table with a relic. 

Xaden glares my way with a "pay attention" look, but I just can't. Not when I know the truth. This is meant to be some kind of learning exercise but I'm not retaining anything. I can't even find it in me to be entertained while Dain and Xaden go at it. 

My eyes narrow as I watch Xaden and Violet closely and it's crystal clear to me within an instant. Xaden is here because of her. Not because of their dragons. 

A smirk plays at my lips as the information settles into my brain and I want to scream "I knew it!", but I keep it to myself for obvious reasons. 

We're forced to return to campus when the outpost is attacked by Gryphons.

Though now that I'm replaying the events in my head, I'm not sure it was Gryphons. What if it was venin? 

The first battle of War Games comes quicker than I'd like it to and now that I know what I do, I've become overly aware of how redacted the Battle Briefs are getting. Devera chooses her words very carefully, but I know what she means to say. At least by this time, I've begun practicing a little with Carr. 

It was hard to lie and pretend I hadn't manifested when the majority of our class had. I was just thankful to keep it hidden until we came back from Montserrat because our having to flee was the wake-up call I needed. If I could at least figure out one way to use this signet productively then maybe I wouldn't be completely defenseless. 

I practice in the mornings and at night when I'm alone in my room but so far all I can do is turn the light on and off and it's only contained to my hands. I'm no better use than a fucking mage light. 

"You will perfect your signet over time," Gleigeal scolds me, "I will not listen to you berate yourself over this again."

"Yes sir," I tease. He reminds me of my father sometimes and it pains me to say so, but it's true. The candor is too similar for my liking, but it's comforting in a way. 

"The Silver One has eyes on the egg. They require our assistance." Gleigeal relays the orders he likely got from Tairn. 

Gleigeal banks and I tighten the muscles in my thighs. My cheeks sting from the cold hail pattering against my skin. My nerves heighten when Tairn and Deigh come into view. It's frustrating that I'll likely be no help in this situation with no control over my signet but a part of me hoped it'd be like how I learned to swim. My dad just threw me into the lake one day and I was forced to figure it out. I doubt this would be similar in any way, but it was nice to think so. 

Liam is in a grapple with Deigh and my stomach sinks as we fly closer. Jack is on Deigh's back and I feel anger surging through my chest. Liam doesn't have enough time to unseat to defend himself.

"Get me closer!" I shout down my bond and Gleigeal begins a dive. I look down seeing my fingertips light in a golden glow. It steadily grows brighter and brighter the more my anger threatens to consume me. 

I hear Violet scream his name and I raise my hands when I see Jack ram his blade through Liam's side. Liam falls from his dragon's back and my heart sinks. The power burns my hands when the light seeps into my palms and I scream as Gleigeal flies past the turret Jack stands on. The energy pulls and pulls until it finally snaps in a blinding light. Jack stumbles back with his hands covering his eyes and I turn back to look at Violet. 

She's too far to catch him and we're already flying upwards. My heart races as she and Tairn dive for him and I'm almost positive he won't make it. I close my eyes expecting to hear Deigh's cry, but it never comes. When I open them, Liam is tucked into Tairn's claw and I sigh a breath of relief. 

"Liam is okay and Deigh lives," Gleigeal says and I tighten my grip on his scales to stop my shaking hands. 

I turn my head when I hear Violet's scream again and flinch when I see the brightest streak of lighting I've ever seen strike the tower. It collapses and Jack falls with it.

I don't find it in my heart to be sorry. 

When we reach the flight field and dismount I make my way toward Tairn. I have to check on Violet. Liam was thankfully being taken care of in the infirmary by now.

"Violet!" I approach her but she glares at me and turns away. When Dain appears, she turns to talk to him but seems completely out of it.

Violet Sorrengail is not someone who would be okay with taking a life. She looks how I felt when I was forced to kill two men during Threshing. She doesn't want to see me now and that's completely understandable. 

I back off and return to Gleigeal making sure he's okay before he launches. He doesn't really care for the celebrations and I don't blame him. I don't care much for it either, I just want to rest. 

Ridoc scoops me up into his arms and I can't help but laugh as he spins me around. "I can't fucking believe we won!" 

When he sets me down, I look around for my other squadmates. Rhiannon is now with Violet and I can't help but feel my stomach twist. Why was it only me she didn't want to talk to?

Bodhi comes into my view and I can't help but admire the way he looks in his flight leathers, his hair tousled from the wind and I want nothing more than to run my fingers through his curls. His eyes meet mine and I look away quickly, doing my best to act like I hadn't just been staring at him. 

My throat tightens when I realize he's approaching me. Ridoc's arm rests over my shoulders but he drops it when he also realizes that Bodhi is coming towards us. 

"Good job, cadets," He nods. 

"Thank you, XO," Ridoc says. Ever since the morning Bodhi had caught us in my room, he'd been so formal towards Bodhi which I couldn't help but laugh at. "Oh, look, there's um- something." 

Ridoc pats my shoulder and then walks over to Sawyer who's talking to a couple of cadets from the Tail Section of our wing. 

"Come on," The corners of his lips tug upwards as he watches Ridoc walk away. He then nods back towards the main campus and we fall in step together.

The sounds of the cheering slowly fade as we get closer to the dorms. "I've barely seen you since..."

"You've been pretty busy. Winning the Squad Battle and all. And now the first battle of War Games," He teases, with his hands folded behind his back.

"Well, I'm hardly an asset." I roll my eyes as we climb the stairs. "Though during the games something happened."

"What?" He asks and opens my bedroom door for me when we reach it. 

The memory replays and I begin trying to dissect it as I kick my boots off. What happened before, during, and after? What were the contributing factors? Emotions?  Outside sources?

"Jack had stabbed Liam and I got so... mad. Or maybe I was scared that we'd lose him. But, my hands did the thing, and the energy kind of pulsed and tugged. The light got brighter and brighter till it snapped," I explain as he sits on the edge of my bed. Gods, those leathers. "I think I blinded him. It gave Violet a second before she manifested lightning."

"That's... brilliant." His lips part and then he smiles. "Really. I think you're gonna do amazing things with it." 

He's being genuine, I can feel it. 

"How have you been otherwise? We haven't really seen each other much." He asks and I don't know if I like the way he's dancing around conversation. Maybe I'm overthinking it. 

"Fine," I shrug as I cross my room to the armoire to take out my sleeping gown. I turn my back to him as I start to undress. Something heats in my chest but I don't know the feeling. I feel his gaze leave my body and I almost sigh. I pull my sleeping gown over my head and then turn around, untying my hair. I comb my fingers through the tangled locks and he finally looks back to me, but his shoulders are tense. 

"Ani," he breathes out as I walk towards him. 

"Yes?" I ask as I step between his legs. 

"Don't do this to me," He pleads. 

"Do what?" I ask, reaching my hands up to cup his cheeks. 

His fingers ghost a trail up the sides of my bare thighs, stopping at the hem of my sleeping gown. 

"Tell me to stop," I whisper, sliding my hands from his jaw to the base of his neck, tangling my fingers in his curls. 

He's silent, but the tips of his fingers trail a centimeter upwards, under the fabric of the gown. 

I remember his forehead pressed against mine in the shower and the way our noses brushed and I want nothing more than to recreate it right now. I'm taking a risk. This could go exactly how I want it to, or he could reject me. I can pinpoint exactly when there was a shift for me when it came to him. My chest aches as I look down at him, fitting myself deeper between his thighs where he sits on my bed. 

I want him.

It's been weeks since I've actually been able to talk to him about anything since he's had me on the mat and I fucking missed him. Lust is the only emotion I feel, seeping in through my fingertips at the base of his neck, through my arms, and into my chest. 

"Ani." It's a warning, for him and me. If we do this, there's no going back. His fingers press into my thighs and I part my lips with a small gasp. 

I rest my forehead against his and close my eyes. I want him to initiate. I need to know he wants this like I do. But I can feel that he does. 

"I can feel it," I whisper, allowing our lips to brush. The feeling is almost all-consuming, taking over my mind, body, and soul. This can't be just me. 

He tugs me closer by my thighs and his grip is so tight, I know that he's fighting an internal battle.

Fine. I'll do it myself. 

I'm ready to close the gap between us, tired of the trepidation when he raises his hand to my face. His thumb brushes against my bottom lip and then he cups my jaw gently. 

"You're gonna be the death of me," He says under his breath.

It's a millisecond before his lips are on mine.

His kiss is soft like he's hesitating. Scared to fully commit. I want more, I know it can be more. 

Stop being scared.

My fingers tangle, a golden glow, in his hair as I pull him closer, deepening the kiss. He doesn't need permission when he glides his tongue into my mouth, my lips are already parted for him. 

He moves back on the bed, pulling me with him. I move my legs to straddle him, pushing him back into the mattress. 

I want her. I want her so fucking bad. 

But I can't. This is wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I push the thoughts out as I tug his bottom lip between my teeth. 

"Fuck," he mutters breathlessly as one of his hands slides down my waist to the back of my thigh. His other wraps carefully around my throat, pulling my lips back to his like he's starving.

More. More. More.

It's hot and everything I need and I don't mean to but my hips grind against his and he groans into my mouth, his grip tightening ever so slightly against my neck. Anxiety settles in my chest and I do my best to push it away. I don't know where it's coming from but it's not mine. 

"Just kiss me, what are you so fucking scared of?" I finally pull away when it becomes too overbearing. 

It's not my anxiety. Not my fear. It's his. 

He looks up at me with wide eyes. 

"What?" I whisper. "Bodhi, please. You want this. I know you do."

I feel pathetic the way I beg him. But my entire body is swirling with emotions that I can't dictate. I can't tell which ones are mine and which ones may or may not be his. It's overwhelming and I lean down to kiss him again just to ease the sensation but he stops. 

His grip around my throat halts me and my heart stops, "Ani. What are you feeling right now?"

"I want you," I whisper. "But you won't let me. You're holding back."

He pulls my face towards his but only lets our lips brush and I fucking whimper. His eyes darken at the sound I make.

I've never been such a needy mess and the heat that pools in my lower belly makes me feel pitiful. 

He presses his lips to mine again, flipping us over so that he's pressed between my thighs. The weight of him here I haven't felt since the last time we sparred and I missed it. 

My heart pounds as I savor the taste of his lips on mine and I feel it again; the fear and anxiety. I do my best to ease it, focusing on him and how he feels between my thighs where he barely fits. Just be here with me. I'm here. Right where I need to be. 

His tongue dips into my mouth again and I whine at the feeling when his hands slide under my sleeping gown against the skin of my waist. 

Just be here with me. I'm here. Right where I need to be. I push the thought outward.

The anxiety dissolves when he pulls my chest flush with his and I breathe out a sigh of relief in between kissing him. My arms are wrapped tightly around his shoulders when he finally pulls away and I want to groan in frustration. His forehead rests against mine and I'm reminded of the shower again. 

"You're not going to lose me, stop thinking that," I breathe, but I don't know what I'm referring to. He didn't speak it, but I hate the way the idea settles into my bones. He pulls away slightly to look into my eyes and I'm confused by the look in his wide eyes. "What's wrong?"

"You're a fucking empath."

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tag list: @lynnieluvsu @sherlockstrangewolf @abysshaven @wolfbc97 @paris009

[m1zisu4]

on sua and speaking, ivan and class, and ivansua similarities

furthering my analysis on ivansua in a continuation of this post, where i talk about ivan's answers in their interview with andromeda media regarding their status as outstanding students

sua speaks comparatively little. ivan's long (thorough maybe...) responses are largely informed by his struggle to assimilate from the slums into unsha's life for him. he uses his interview as an opportunity to position himself as an archetypal success story. if you work hard, show deference, and practice correct behavior, you will be rewarded. by contrast, sua's responses are not tailored this way.

sua is trained to speak minimally. she is the youngest of seven (?) human pets, and nigeh's favorite daughter. she maintains this status by making herself into a perfect, empty doll—no desires, no dreams, no purpose outside of service to her mother. in her relationship with nigeh, she speaks only when she's made to (which means her self-advocacy skills are abysmal, something reflected in her relationship with her sisters, who bully her and push her around). speaking only when "necessary" is a behavior she internalizes as essential to survival, and something she replicates across her personal and professional relationships.

this particular answer highlights the difference(s) between ivansua's perspectives

ivan breaks down his studying methodology step-by-step. he clearly provides an ideal answer for the interviewer. it's almost comically perfect, the exact type of thing someone would want to hear from an outstanding student. ivan plays this role well. his analytical skills empower him to adapt to any circumstance and legitimize himself in an academic context.

however, sua answers with icy precision. the formula for success isn't complicated for her, it's a matter of observation and obedience. like her life with nigeh and her sisters, nothing was about sua's desires, or her personal aspirations, or her own goals. they were about following instructions, "memorizing" what was to be done and completing it without complaint or complication. vivinos has highlighted sua's "weak" mental state and inner darkness while qmeng has emphasized her aggression. it's important to square the two by acknowledging how sua has been subjugated by her family (as well as how it impacts her attitude and actions) AND the ways in which her agentive behaviors change her life, and mizi's.

ivansua are very similar. their survival depends on negotiating their power through participation in a system designed against their mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing. they are in stark contrast to mizi and till, who are more obviously deviant and openly rebel in some form or another, and who are not capable of or willing to perform this manipulation (which is why ivansua are drawn to them)

i wanted to highlight this part because they're discussing their respective fixations:

firstly, it's no surprise that the class ivan is the most confident in is music appreciation. the more he understands something, the more useful it becomes to him, and the more secure he feels.

more importantly, mizi's "deviance" (or academic struggles) requires that sua support her. this fosters their closeness. mizi's failures create a need for sua, which sua is eager to fill. by answering this way, she characterizes herself as kind and helpful. but she also hints at her and mizi's dependence on each other. it also highlights sua's "emptiness"—she does not have a favorite class, or one she's most confident in because she's developed a unique interest in a particular subject, or one that she herself had struggled with. her best class is the one that mizi needs help with. sua prioritizes mizi above all.

the order of these questions are also interesting to me. ivan doesn't anticipate that sua will be this open. as soon as she alludes to mizi, he takes it as license to mention till. prior to this answer, he talks mostly about his own affairs and is congenial. but here, he breaks the facade and says something surprisingly rude. there's a note of fascination in his tone. till's deviance—his rebellion, his ferocity, his disruptive habits, his indomintable spirit—separate him completely from ivan. he can't understand till, which stokes his all-consuming obsession with him. when sua says "yes, i think so," all i can imagine is her side-eyeing him like "get a grip."

[transgenderer]

Regularly occurring bouts of retinal movements suggest an REM sleep–like state in jumping spiders

Sleep and sleep-like states are present across the animal kingdom, with recent studies convincingly demonstrating sleep-like states in arthropods, nematodes, and even cnidarians. However, the existence of different sleep phases across taxa is as yet unclear. In particular, the study of rapid eye movement (REM) sleep is still largely centered on terrestrial vertebrates, particularly mammals and birds. The most salient indicator of REM sleep is the movement of eyes during this phase. Movable eyes, however, have evolved only in a limited number of lineages—an adaptation notably absent in insects and most terrestrial arthropods—restricting cross-species comparisons. Jumping spiders, however, possess movable retinal tubes to redirect gaze, and in newly emerged spiderlings, these movements can be directly observed through their temporarily translucent exoskeleton. Here, we report evidence for an REM sleep–like state in a terrestrial invertebrate: periodic bouts of retinal movements coupled with limb twitching and stereotyped leg curling behaviors during nocturnal resting in a jumping spider. Observed retinal movement bouts were consistent, including regular durations and intervals, with both increasing over the course of the night. That these characteristic REM sleep–like behaviors exist in a highly visual, long-diverged lineage further challenges our understanding of this sleep state. Comparisons across such long-diverged lineages likely hold important questions and answers about the visual brain as well as the origin, evolution, and function of REM sleep.

!!!

Periodic bouts of retinal movements in spiderlings were clearly visible (Movie S2) with consistent durations (median = 77.13 s, interquartile range (IQR) = 19.65 s, nobs = 330, nsubj = 29) and regular intervals (median = 16.97 min, IQR = 6.56 min, nobs = 260, nsubj = 17). Both the duration and the intervals increased significantly over the course of the night (duration: generalized linear mixed model (GLMM) analysis of deviance, χ2 = 13.82, P = 0.001, nobs = 330, nsubj = 29, 11% increase; intervals: GLMM analysis of deviance, χ2 = 26.92, P < 0.001, nobs = 260, nsubj = 17, 38% increase) (Fig. 1 A and D and SI Appendix, SI Extended Methods). Retinal movements were accompanied by body movements: characteristic leg curls (often accompanied by additional twitching) (Movie S3) or uncoordinated twitches of single limbs, the opisthosoma, and/or the spinnerets (Movie S4). Leg curls were associated with retinal movements in 100% of all observations (135/135). Conversely, leg curls were only present in 39.5% of all observed retinal movement bouts (135/342).

No retinal movements were observed during coordinated behaviors, such as stretching, readjustment of the supporting silk line (Movie S5), or cleaning sequences consisting of brush- ing movements (Movie S6). The highly coordinated nature of these movements suggests that animals were awake during these behaviors. Cleaning typically occurred shortly after REM sleep–like states, implying brief awakenings.

shockingly strong evidence of a dream-analogous process in spiders!

[bloodchapell]

castle of sand — senku i. 17: visage of time

brief summary: all the things in the dark that light brings out

what to expect: slight (barely noticeable) deviance from canon, failed attempt of a kiss 💀

your sword's note: THIS WAS SO CUTE TO WRITE KILL ME NOW, all past and future parts + playlist of this series available on my mistresslist

"Ominous feeling in the environment, can't operate." You sat by the doors of the hut, resting your arms on the edge and looking outside. Senku took the hammer from his pocket and smacked you very softly and methodically with it, repeatedly, as if he was actually doing something. 

"Elaborate?"

"I have no elaborations." You sighed dramatically. "It's this feeling, like a hunch, but is based on nothing."

"Well some purple minion arrived from Tsukasa, that's ominous enough." 

"This is not about Gen." You interrupted immediately. "I am aware of Gen's ambiguity but I get him like a cup of water, he is no danger for us, he will be on our side in due time. This feeling is uncalled for, hence." 

"Well sorry, I can't help." A shrug from Senku. 

The iron bar was ready, sitting idly in the hut. Senku had found Chrome's copper and had melted it into a wire, which wrapped around the iron, confusingly, seemingly pointless. The only thing needed was lighting, which seemed somewhat primitive and fanciful, so you were all waiting for a storm. Suika was sitting beside you, looking around the hut, she was singing children's songs which you had taught her, clapping around while doing nothing. Senku looked at her, following along in his mind the lyrics of the songs he had learned in kindergarten with you. 

"I am thinking of cutting my hair..." You mumbled taking the strands away from your face. 

"Why?" 

"It is too hot, it gets annoying." 

And so, Suika grabbed a sharp blade and sat behind you. Senku pretended to do something else, but observed closely. 

"All done!" Suika said, walking around you to see. 

"You look like a perfectly diagonally slashed pineapple from Fruit Ninja." Senku laughed at you, putting his hand in an angle. 

"You can always be a perfectly diagonally slashed pineapple." You smiled. "I don't care that much about my appearance, especially in this stone world, but do not insinuate that my haircut —which my child did— is bad."

"Wow, a death threat, how innovative." Senku rolled his eyes. "It is okay, if you ignore symmetry and conventions of our society, but indeed Suika did her best so it is actually not bad at all."

He grabbed your face, turning it around to examine it, shrugged and let it go, to go back to his chore.

"I am somewhat bored, this is the perfect afternoon for doing so many things that are actually nothing, maybe watch a long YouTube video, or karaoke, or changing up my hair only to realize I don't like it... there is not much entertainment in this world..."

"Right!?" Gen said from the stairs. "So what is the gossip in this world? Why were you the first revived?" He climbed into the house, you were still wary of him, but in a boring world he was welcomed.

"Thinking capability...?" You asked, looking back at Senku, he nodded. 

"I don't think there is anyone else that thinks as much as she does, aside from me, for sure. If the catalyst for reviving someone with sheer willpower and nitric acid is thinking, no one else came to mind. And it worked."

"That is so sweet!" Calculated but swift, Gen knew what he was saying. Senku looked at you, you looked at him, then both sets of eyes went to Gen, a grimace lacking emotion, judgmental even. 

"No." You punctuated and that was it. 

"Sooo, how did you two get to know each other?" Gen asked with a cat smile. 

"Why is this relevant?" You asked.

"I am bored too." Gen noted like it was a simple statement, but you could see the traces of evil behind his facial facade. 

"Piece of shit." Senku nodded with a bothered smile. "We have studied together since we started studying, lived in the same apartment complex, what else...? That is about it." 

"And where does that lead us now?" Gen asked. 

"Full-time roommates, associates, archenemies even." Senku explained with detail, completely sure.

"Seems flawed." Gen said thinking. "What about this unnamed thing?"

"I'll kindly ask you to quit." You mumbled. Gen and Suika looked at each other, Suika shrugged. 

Senku avoided thinking about it, at least in that moment when he was inventorying Chrome's rocks; he had thought about it, enough, and he would think about it too once night fell, there was no point in losing neurons over the same concepts: familiarity, survival, attraction, instinct. He did not want to admit that he was also plagued, just as plagued as Chrome, as Gen, probably as Suika who in her eternal wisdom held her silence about the topic, but he was. He was plagued when he would inevitably hold you tightly in his arms when sleeping, his face pressed against your chest or vice versa, when he would glance at you and just know that even if a deity came down from heaven and made you bald, he would still find you attractive, when he would wonder why you lacked ambition when it came to romance, that was a big one. 

Factually, Senku had spent his time before conciliating sleep the last nights wondering about it; yes, he was against relationships and he thought love was illogical despite being science, but it bothered him that you were not paying attention to it, he would have noticed if you were, he would have seen your eyes flutter away from his gaze if you were getting flustered with his presence, or he would have heard a very reconditioned ramble about your feelings as a metaphor, but he did not. From your side, nothing had changed since the acknowledgement, you held him as close as before, you treated him the same as before. He wondered, and wondered, and wondered, why you didn't care for reciprocation? Or why you were fine with things being like they were? He wanted to know, but he did not want to ask. 

A loud thud from the sky. 

The villagers were talking about hiding from the wrath of the heavens, you laughed, after all lighting could kill and they were simple minded people. There was something comforting about thunderstorms. For some reason your mind wandered away as you all walked towards a mountain as per Chrome's guidance to catch some lighting. It had been a year before petrification, when Senku still hated you —allegedly not—, despite that he still crashed at your place to use your telescope, it was 3am or so, and you were watching a meteor shower together, he rambled about Leonids and you rambled about the feeling of the sky falling upon you, and then the clouds obstructed the lens and the sky roared in thunders; your words diverted to talking about the storm, and oddly, probably because of the sleep deprivation, Senku stayed quiet and listened to you. 

When you came back to reality, the rain had ceased and you were at the top of the mountain, with newly acquired strong magnets. The walk back to the village was full of chatter, Senku explaining to Chrome what to do next, Ginro mocking Kinro for the loss of his gold spear, Kohaku threatening Gen, it felt nice, but in that moment you missed the simplicity of modern life, at least from that Leonids thunderstorm.

"Still like thunders as much as ever?" Senku elbowed you softly to get your attention, it took you a second to process, but you nodded. "Tell you after?" 

"M'kay." 

He wanted to talk, chat about something stupid only you could understand, probably something modern, maybe Gen could understand too but he was still in a gray trust area, but he was busy. 

Melting more copper for the discs took some extra exploitation that thankfully Gen and Gan'en took care of. Making the generator was oddly simple, Chrome flattened the copper with corundum, Kohaku and Suika polished the edges and you covered the wire with lacquer. 

"Aren't you allergic to lacquer?" You asked, holding Senku's face. "You are going to die... and with that utterly ridiculous appearance after all! Years of farming charm, for nothing!" 

"I won't die, my farmed charm will remain in my inventory."

The generator was probably one of the easiest projects completed, forgetting the hellish iron baking and the life-endangering lighting chasing, but alas, it was done. Gen tricked Ginro and Kinro into powering the generator by insinuating that electricity could make gold and silver spears. So while they practiced, Senku and Chrome ran off to make something off bamboo while Suika, Gen and you cooked the lunch that Kohaku brought. Lunch was boring and you took a nap with Suika on the floor for an hour or so. 

The big reveal happened when it got dark. Chrome and Senku climbed to the top of the hut. You stood watching beside Gen and Kohaku, with Suika in your arms so she could see better how the light turned on once the bamboo filament entered in contact with the wires. It was a dim light that barely illuminated the thickness of the dark, it was nothing compared to neon or led lights from the city that would blind everyone, but it was so bright, it was like a star of its own realm, a star you all had built from nothing, a star to defeat the horrors of darkness, a spectacle of the world you used to know. It engulfed everyone's attention, rightfully so, even Kinro and Ginro looked at it in awe as they kept spinning the generator, and for a while everyone was silent, admiring it. Senku looked back at you, a grin of pride in his face, of accomplishment, one you reciprocated back with watery eyes; his eyes then darted to Gen, like telling you to look at him, and you did, the mentalist in complete shock, or fascination, or both. 

Everyone diverted to their own minds after that. Chrome entered the hut, Kinro and Ginro rested, Suika jumped to talk to Kohaku about it, Gen sat by a tree. Senku stayed on top of the hut, and you sat by his side. 

"That was dazzling." 

"I thought of the Leonids thunderstorm earlier." Senku said it straightforwardly. 

"Well, a rather interesting coincidence, me too. Nice memory, right?" You smiled at each other, and the silence sat with you for a while. "The light."

"What about it?"

"It's like a visage of time. Sometimes I feel like it is impossible to truly bring back civilization... not saying at all that I doubt you, but it seems so complicated in my mind. In the old world, advancements were made from things that already existed, and progress was a gradual process; we are working with nothing... it feels like it is impossible to bring back everything despite the science being there... and of course, it would not be the same, Heraclitus said it."

"The old man did, 'No man steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he is not the same man.' You are right... scientifically speaking at least, the only constant in this universe is change." 

"Well, look at you." You smiled at him. "Quoting an old master." 

"Don't get it twisted." His grin held a softness unusual to it. Your eyes followed his face, dimly with the light of the stars and the bonfire. 

"I'm proud of you." You cheered. "Not for quoting Heraclitus —well maybe a little—, but for everything; we all contributed to this, but without you it would have been a lost cause from the beginning."

"I don't care for gratification."

"Don't get it twisted, I am not thanking you for anything." Your clarification bothered him, you were right after all. "You don't need to act all cool and heartless with me, accept my words or perish, I know you have a heart buried somewhere between those science facts and witty remarks."

"Excuse me?" He asked baffled. "Unlike some others, I prefer to stay smart." 

"I think I am my own way of smart." You shrugged, pushing him sideways with your shoulder. "I am not neglecting my emotions in prowess of being cool."

"Oh you are not? Then what is up with us?"

"Refer to 'in prowess of being cool' now." You giggled. 

"Then in prowess of what?"

"Never imagined you wondered about it." A shrug from you, the night breeze blew on your asymmetrical hair. "I am fine with this. I think I have good levels of self control. I don't need anything."

"Where is your ambition?" Senku shook you, without much force.

"I don't think I have something like what people call a crush, I don't need to go on a date or hold your hand, I simply love you, it's simplistic. Regardless, it is not like you care, so...?"

After making sure to look around a few times and see that everyone was focused on their own matters, Senku nodded, but evil Senku did not stay satisfied so he pressed his hand on top of yours and leaned in close to your face.

"My! What a lovely—" Before Gen could complete his purr of nonsense, you moved away from Senku so harshly that you lost balance and inevitably rolled down from the top of the hut, falling ungraciously to the ground. 

"I'll assume that the person who fell from the slide with about the same height as a kid when we were in pre-k is fine and alive..." Senku mumbled as if his heart was not about to go out of his chest, not only because you fell but because his double-triple checking missed Gen. 

"...Alive." You mumbled too. Suika and Kohaku ran to check on you, Kohaku lifting you from the ground and sitting you up very softly. "I always thought I had dreamt falling from the slide... turns out it was real... it doesn't compare to this unraveling, but it is unassociated with the fall itself."

"Ah! I see, I know why, dear." Gen smiled, a little concerned though. 

"Gen, come here." You signaled and he knelt down, so you whispered something only audible for him to his ear and he stood up and ran to hide behind Chrome. 

"Witness aggression program, I love coercion into silence." Senku praised as he sat by your side, checking you better than his double-triple checking of the area. "Well the fun is over Kingdom, reunion now in the headquarters... Gen stays out like the family dog during a stormy night for being an asshole."

"No fair." Gen pouted.

"Sorry, animal rights have not yet been invented." Senku shrugged and walked to the hut, holding your hand. "It's for stability goddamnit, my patient here is idiotic and fragile." Senku pointed at you. 

"God dam mint." Suika repeated after Senku. 

For maybe 20 minutes, Senku talked about Gen's ambiguous moral standing to Kohaku, Chrome and Suika, while you rested defeated, too done with everything to participate and honestly drifting into sleep. You closed your eyes and heard Chrome trying to convince Gen to join because science was bad, Gen denying, Kohaku intervening, another explanation on morals that Senku butchered and you could have done better... that until Kohaku heard a noise and everyone rushed outside. 

"What happened..." At the edge of the entrance of the hut you asked. 

"Our family dog was mugged and is now dead." Senku summarized. 

"Oh." 

"Never fucking mind he is alive, we don't have to worry about explaining to Suika that not all dogs go to heaven after all." Senku sighed, logically happy that Gen wasn't dead. 

"Oh, good."

Kohaku brought Gen to the hut, and after laying him down, you saw how beaten he was. Senku prepared some herbs and placed them around his wounds and that was about it. Since Gen was too weak to give his testimony, Suika decided to go to the village to investigate, you told her to be careful and so the night ended. 

Kohaku and Chrome stayed over, just to check up on Gen, eventually you fell asleep but you felt Kohaku lying down beside you, so you instinctively hugged her. And as petty as Senku was, he laid down in the other side and pressed his back against yours very firmly just to remind you that he was there and he felt betrayed. 

Suika came back in the morning, and you all stood up at different times as if it had been a slumber party. 

"Magma...!" Suika said fidgety. 

Kohaku explained what had happened at their generational event and how she beat Magma to marry Ruri, and Suika pointed out how Gen had mislead Magma during the magnet's thunderstorm and he probably believed that Gen was the "sorcerer" that had arrived to the village. 

The day was slow, Kohaku trained with Ginro and Kinro, who agreed to join the kingdom, Chrome and Senku discussed who-knows-what and you brushed Suika's hair and talked to her about different things you considered she should know, like a basic lesson on language like the abc and showing her how to write her name. 

At night, everyone went to their huts, you walked Suika and Kohaku to the bridge and said the usual goodnights to them, then walked back to the hut. Senku was preparing some more ointments and Gen whispered something, so he leaned in to listen.

"Pfttt, fujoshis would have eat that up back in my time." You giggled pointing at them. 

"Shut up." Senku was quick to bark, but then signaled you to come closer and whispered to you. "We have a deal, all over cola."

"Ew." 

"I mean, whatever tickles his tickles." Senku shrugged and you laughed at his appropriation of your mannerisms. "Next thing we are making is glass."

"For the bottle, of course!" You said and Senku looked at you with a questioning face. "...And science-y stuff."

"Suika can't see very good, right?" Out of nowhere, Senku asked. You nodded, bothered by the fact that the small problem hindered her self worth so much. "First thing we are making is glasses for her." 

"Senku..." Moved to almost tears you said with tenderness.

"N-No don't even try it!" He said immediately. "It's for efficiency, if we level her up she will do a better job." 

His lame attempt for excuse did not permeate far and you knew the truth, so you thanked him, but at his refusal and denial of caring you launched yourself to hug him, imprisoning in your arms both as a joke and as a genuine act. 

taglist: @thelonestarinthesky, @bookworm-center, @iheartpieck

[gravitascivics]

THE TV EFFECT

This blog has been sharing an overview of American history to provide a summary account of how the US has become a nation of people disposed to deviant behavior.  Starting with the posting, “Early On,”[1] that account has reviewed those aspects of America’s past that have encouraged too many Americans to deviate from laws or norms.  The focus of this review has been the nation’s culture.

It began by describing how in its origin, the nation struggled through the clash between Calvinism and transcendentalism.  It then described how the individualism of transcendentalism was reinforced by pragmatism as the basic ideas of William James were reviewed.  That posting, “Representations of Reality,”[2] left readers with an indication that the advent of television solidified a self-centered sense of reality among the American people.  Interested readers are encouraged to read those two prior postings if they have not done so.

On the topic of TV, this blog counts on the work of the late Neil Postman.  “I believe the epistemology created by television not only is inferior to a print-based epistemology but is dangerous and absurdist,”[3] wrote Postman.  Written exposition, which was the major method of communication coming into the mid-twentieth century, demands analysis and inferential thinking skills.  By way of a historical note, Postman claimed that the beginning of the end for exposition began with the invention of the photograph but surely was accomplished with the effects of TV.

By what means?  The image media of television demands passivity as the viewer is presented with a discontinuous, trivial reality.  This is highly congruent with the philosophical disposition left from the nation’s historical development.  America was ready for the worst effects of this newer media.

One can compare that to a previous time when information was expressed through written words; this previous state demands a culture which promotes a reflective and useful presentation of information in its discourse of reality.  Postman related how America was different in the nineteenth century despite its transcendental biases.  In fact, America was a book and pamphlet reading nation.

Public business was channeled into and expressed through print, which became the model, the metaphor and the measure of all discourse.  The resonances [defined as the power of influencing thought and action] of the lineal, analytical structure of print, and in particular, of expository prose, could be felt everywhere.[4]

As opposed to that level of reflection, the television culture is bombarded with a constant stream of useless, disconnected information.  This “peek-a-boo” form of messaging or discourse is ubiquitous with “only one pervasive voice – the voice of entertainment.”[5]  It also seems alive and well in the age of the cell phone. While Postman gave in his cited book many examples of the pervasiveness of this entertainment outlook, the example most relevant here is in the chapter entitled, “Teaching as an Amusing Activity.” 

As elsewhere, the character of the media in classrooms determines the character of the activity.  In terms of schooling, that is, the activity is formulating the curriculum.  What is most frightening about Postman’s argument is that the cited dangers seem to be accepted as innovative education.  He argued that educational television follows TV’s commandments:  no prerequisites, no perplexity, and avoidance of exposition. 

More generally, within that media, this approach renders it impossible for any instructional messaging to look at any issue responsibly either within classrooms, or at home.  There are the cable channel news networks, such as Fox, CNN, and MSNBC, but their viewership is best measured in the hundreds of thousands of viewers (Fox leads with over 2 million), [6] a fraction of the adult population.

To the argument that TV allows educators the ability to present studied materials dramatically, Postman cited research that questions the notion of that advantage – that is that learning takes place when material is presented in dramatic style.  He summed up the effect of curriculum based on TV as follows:

And, in the end, what will the students have learned?  They will … have learned something about [the subject matter].  Mainly, they will have learned that learning is a form of entertainment or, more precisely, that anything worth learning can take the form of an entertainment, and ought to.[7]

This blogger can only add that during the course of his career (1972-2007), his experience demonstrated an ever-shorter tolerance among students to engage with plain verbal communication.  And in addition, the prevailing disposition that students expressed seemed to be, as they walked into the classroom, “entertain me or what you have to do or say is illegitimate.”

By illegitimate this blogger does not mean only boring, but that the experience is an unjustified waste of their time.  And of course, the relevant standard of entertainment is defined by the prevailing media forms, such as TV, which are multi-million-dollar media productions. 

At best, only a relative handful of individual teachers, in the multitude of classrooms across the nation, can compete with that level of entertainment.  And that is to say nothing about whether those teachers who can are actually teaching anything of worth.  One can suppose the answer is no, given the general estimation as to how effective American schools are – mediocre at best.[8]

But TV is not the only agent legitimizing this dysfunctional cultural bias.  Educators themselves have adopted certain concepts and paradigms that further complicate the situation and compound the prevailing individualism, anti-intellectualism, and temporal view of the American people.  Educators have not been immune from the above-described historical forces.  And to boot, these forces met their “scientific” foundation in perceptual/humanistic psychology, a turn which this blog will next address.

[1] Robert Gutierrez, “Early On,” Gravitas:  A Voice for Civics, February 13, 2024, accessed February 15, 2024, URL:  https://gravitascivics.blogspot.com/.

[2] Robert Gutierrez, “Representations of Reality,” Gravitas:  A Voice for Civics, February 16, 2024, accessed February 17, 2024, URL:  https://gravitascivics.blogspot.com/.

[3] Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death (New York, NY:  Penguin Books, 1985), 27.

[4] Ibid., 41.

[5] Ibid., 80.

[6] “Dominick Mastrangelo, “Fox News Top-Rated Cable Channel for Eighth Straight Year,” The Hill, December 14, 2023, accessed February 17, 2024, URL:  https://thehill.com/homenews/media/4360708-fox-news-top-rated-cable-news-channel/#:~:text=Fox%20News%20took%20the%20crown,to%20Nielsen%20Media%20Research%20data.

[7] Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death, 154.  Emphasis added.

[8] Julia Ryan, “American Schools vs. the World:  Expensive, Unequal, Bad at Math,” The Atlantic, December 3, 2013, accessed February 19, 2024, https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2013/12/american-schools-vs-the-world-expensive-unequal-bad-at-math/281983/.

[sludge-saturday]

guidance

pairing: connor rk800 x gn!reader

summary: fresh out of the revolution, connor is still adjusting to his deviancy. his very existence has given the word "life" an entirely new meaning, and he is experiencing some inner turmoil surrounding his true purpose now that he has free will. will you help him navigate these complex feelings?

tags: comfort, fluff, upset connor

warnings: none!

word count: 1,483

a/n: HUGE THANK YOU to @thiriumstains for submitting this request!! for the purposes of this fic, deviated androids can cry when their systems are overloaded with information, and mimic human-like sleep behaviors when going into sleep mode! i hope you enjoy :]

☆ as your keys jingled in the door handle, you could hear the vigilant barks of your golden retriever and hear the sound of his paws trotting up to the doorway. connor, with similar dog-like reflexes, started getting up from his place on the couch as soon as he heard the clamor from the entrance to your shared apartment. opening the door you excitedly greeted your furry friend as he jumped on you, licking your face in appreciative excitement.

☆ "y/n, welcome home!" connor said. eager to assist, he takes some of the bags out of your arms and sets them on the table. like the gentleman he is, he helps you out of your jacket and hangs it on the hook next to the doorframe. you turn around to look at him, feeling refreshed just by the sight of him after a long day away. and, just by looking into connor's eyes, you can tell he feels similarly. with this shared glance of cherishment, your bodies are like magnets with the way they move toward each other for an embrace.

☆ "i've missed you so much." connor sighs, resting his head on your shoulder. his grip on you was strong, as if he was finally finding solace after running from something stronger than him. your bodies lingered in their positions for a moment before you both pulled away, connor's hands squeezing your arms before dropping to his sides. you studied his face unconsciously and realized that something looked amiss about the way he looked. his cheeks were glistening and his eyes looked glossier than normal. "connor," you started cautiously, afraid of upsetting him. "are you feeling alright?"

☆ connor's eyes widened slightly, a micro-expression that most wouldn't notice, and he straightened his posture. he felt as though he had been caught doing what he wasn't supposed to. the truth is, he didn't know what was happening to him. he has only been deviated for a few weeks, and this was the first time since then that he's felt so... overwhelmed. but he couldn't tell you, the thought of doing so only amplified the sensation. trying his best to maintain his usual calm and collected appearance, connor unknowingly gave you a sad smile. "all of my systems are perfectly functional," he lied. "what makes you say that?"

☆ looking into connor's eyes as he tilted his head to the side, you saw more than he was letting on. his gaze looked pained, specifically the kind of pain that you feel you must hide for the sake of others. neither of you knew what deviance would hold for connor, but you were determined to help him through everything. "i don't mean to pry, but you look upset. don't feel obligated to tell me anything you don't want to, but i want you to know that i'm here for you." you smiled gently at him to punctuate your message.

☆ shame continued to bubble within connor, steadfast and and committed. he didn't want you to see him like this, but, deep down, he knew he couldn't keep this at bay any longer. all it took was one blink for tears to drip down his cheeks once more, and your heart clenched at the sight. connor's hand flew up to wipe his face, embarrassed that he couldn't control what was happening to him. actually, it was quite frightening for him.

☆ "i'm sorry, i-" he whispered, eyes cast downward. the tone of voice in which he spoke revealed just how out of control he felt. "i don't know what's happening. my optical units- my eyes- they don't need additional lubricant." it was concerning, to say the least, watching the usually composed android unravel like this. you reached out and pulled him close to you, making a silent promise to yourself that you were going to take care of him. "what's wrong, connor?" you knew that you were gonna have to coax him through this, that he needed guidance through this uncharted territory.

☆ "i don't have a mission," he spoke, just above a whisper. taking his frame in your hands you turned him to face you, his face was perturbed and his eyes still lowered. "what?" you softly urged. his teary eyes met yours with a look of disbelief. "...i don't have a mission. what am i supposed to do without a purpose to fulfill? without a goal to meet?" connor's voice shakes. "my entire existence has been ruled by objectives. i was activated to serve as a tool for humans to use, and i was okay with that. but now... now-" he covered his face with his hands, leaning forward as a heavy sob shook his body.

☆ your hand instinctively reached to rub his back as he wept, your touch letting him know that he didn't have to go through this alone. he wasn't used to this: to not having feelings, to people wanting to know how he's feeling in the first place, it was all too much. he's never experienced this kind of input running through his circuitry before. "do you want to talk about this?" you said, continuing to rub his back. he lifted his head back up to eye level, looking so, so broken.

☆ he didn't want to, he couldn't admit that he needed help. all he'd known was how to be the help others needed. how was he supposed to accept it for himself? connor stayed silent, staring at the ground as more tears rolled down his cheeks. in an act of immense courage, connor nodded, and that was all of the confirmation you needed to try and lead him into the right direction. "the truth is, us humans, we don't know what we're doing either. we may seem like we already know what our futures have in store for us, but some of us, not all of us, know deep down that tomorrow is never promised."

☆ connor sat and listened. he didn't interject, become distracted, or avert his gaze as you spoke. "it's more than okay to not know what your destination is yet, what's most important is that the journey is savored. part of having human-like qualities is to doubt, to question, and to be unsure." you paused, getting up from the couch to move toward your shared bedroom. you reached out your hand to him, knowing how much he's valued physical touch since he deviated.

☆ "and don't forget, you still have duties you can fulfill at the precinct. no one's gonna take that away from you." you said, walking the two of you through the doorframe. "but you also don't have to be tied to that place anymore if you don't want to. its your decision, in the end." you moved to your dresser and rifled through the drawers for pajamas to wear. connor did the same, itching to get into more comfortable clothes. you both faced away from each other as you changed, but the conversation did not cease.

☆ "it will take a lot of getting used to, this freedom. i'm not doubting that. but i want you to know that i'm gonna be here for you the whole time." you finished changing and moved towards the bed. "even if you think you have no one, you'll have me. got it?" you affirmed, peeling the blankets back. nestling inside, you patted the spot next to you on the bed. "come," you beckoned. "i'm sure you're exhausted." connor walked over, still silent, and slid underneath the covers.

☆ you smoothed a hand over his hair as you two laid side by side, facing each other. "the beautiful thing about this is," a yawn overtakes your sentence. "you are now the director of your own destiny. no one gets to tell you what to do anymore. its up to you to decide what you want your mission to be." your eyelids grew heavy as your hand slid down to rest on his side protectively. "this is your life, connor. you have the power to choose how it unfolds for yourself."

☆ your eyes fluttered, fighting the creeping, persistent grasp of slumber. connor noted this, and, with the same small voice he spoke in before, he whispered: "thank you. i... need time to process... and reflect... but..." he paused again. "thank you." connor shifted his eyes from looking down at the mattress to meeting yours, but yours were already closed. aching to join you and to finally release this burden for the time being, he began the process of entering sleep mode.

☆ taking in his last moments of wakefulness, he couldn't help but wonder: did you hear him? his eyes were closed, but he felt the mattress shift as your dog jumped on the bed to snuggle between you two. as he laid there, counting down the seconds to sleep, he swore he could have heard the ghost of a voice float through his auditory processor. "always." it said.