#destined to die alone

[dhampirstudios]

V A M P I R E S E X C U L T by @dhampirstudios

[chrissy-kaos]

More a statement than an ask, you're beautiful, anyone would be lucky to have you for a gf.

So you think..nobody wants me as their gf. I’m terrible.

[justaz]

oh fuck merlin following after arthur for five seasons, at his heel following him into every battle, every fight, every quest without regard for his own safety. arthur dying on the shore of that damn lake and merlin dying with him but his body remains. arthur goes to avalon and merlin is forced to stay on earth. merlin can’t follow arthur this time. this is one journey merlin and arthur can’t take together. two halves split and kept apart for over fifteen hundred years. goddamn it. these fucking assholes never fail to make me cry. i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them

[outstandingfabulousphenomenal]

literally such an idiot

killing myself

[kyouka-supremacy]

I really wish there were more fics that delved into how Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is different from his love for Dazai.

Tbh I just wish Akutagawa's romantic feelings for Dazai were acknowledged more and I'm only now realizing it's so weird how nobody really ever brings them up? while it's all so evidently there. I mean, considering Akutagawa to be / having been in love with Dazai is seriously a perfectly feasible, consistent, realistic way to interpret the text without any need to bend or stretch it. It just makes a lot of sense for how his character is portrayed - his obsession with Dazai, his devotion, his desperation to be acknowledged and approved by him - and I think it's quite the important piece to understand his character. His love for Dazai is a significant aspect of Akutagawa's character, and it also explains why he's always been so vulnerable to manipulation by Dazai specifically. In a way, I think Akutagawa being so unmistakingly gay is also coherent with the way he's completely indifferent and even oblivious to Higuchi's feelings for him that lie at the light of the day– although, please note, that's a slippery slope that can degenerate in apologism for the way he abuses her, so I beg to be mindful when considering that.

Akutagawa's feelings for Dazai are in ultimate analysis extremely relevant for how Akutagawa falls and acts in the sskk picture: Atsushi being not the first person Akutagawa ever fell for, so in a way him being more aware of his own feelings than Atsushi is; Akutagawa falling for Atsushi first (and harder), because at this point he already knows he likes men, he already knows what being in love with someone feels like. But at the same time I believe that it's so interesting to explore how his feelings for Dazai are different from what he holds for Atsushi. On one side you have Akutagawa's feelings for Dazai being passive: not in the way he doesn't act after them, of course he does, but in the way he's always passively subject to Dazai's abuse, unable to stand for himself, blinded by his devotion to Dazai and unable to really see the damage he's causing him. Passive in the way that he's created this image of Dazai in his mind, perfect, god-like, static and unnatural, that struggles to evolve and adapt to reality. Akutagawa's love for Atsushi, on the other hand, is aggressive: always actively trying to hurt the other, always attempting to make the other suffer; it really speaks of someone whom, all his life, has always associated love with pain. Akutagawa hurts Atsushi because he knows love means pain, and he hurts Atsushi because he can't allow his love for him to hurt Akutagawa again as deeply and painfully as it's done in the past. It's a little sad. Ultimately, Akutagawa's love for Atsushi being the push Akutagawa needs to get over Dazai at last, something I fear he never really managed to do up to - I believe - at least chapter 53: getting over Dazai as something he gradually achieved after the soul-searching he did during his absence between chapters 53 and 84. Chapter 84 being the one where Akutagawa willingly, readily said “no” to Dazai in a way that was so sudden and surprising for anyone who knows him and that is easy to interpret as Akutagawa finally starting to free himself from the influence Dazai has had on him up to that point. That's why Akutagawa's sacrifice for Atsushi is all the more important and poignant, because him protecting (and dying for) Atsushi was never for Dazai to begin with.

I always always considered Akutagawa being gay and in love with Dazai to be like. the most evidently queer thing the bsd canon has to offer (and maybe the “you know the reason yourself don't you”, but I guess that falls under the bigger category of “Ryuunosuke Akutagawa is a character that is gay”); but now that I think about it, nobody ever brings it up really. I can guess it's probably because most people - including people who like Akutagawa and ship sskk - ultimately sympathize with Dazai, and even where acknowledging the hurt he's done to Akutagawa, don't really like to dwell on it or explore the relationship between the two of them which is... legit, indeed. Still, I think their relationship and Akutagawa's romantic feelings for Dazai are a very important part of his character that shouldn't be overlooked when trying to accurately portray him.

And the rational part of my brain knows this can't be intentional, knows Akutagawa wasn't written to be read as gay. But there's another I'd dare say equally rational part of my brain that keeps speaking up to say the majority of his characterization - his devotion to Dazai, his (can I say? tender) sacrifice for Atsushi, his mistreatment of Higuchi - really starts to make sense only when you interpret him as gay. So, sorry???

[jeweled-blue-eyes]

Heartbreaking if og Penelope thought Leila's curse was twisting Derrick's feelings for her ("it's all my fault") and returned to him once she defeated Leila, hoping the curse would be broken and they could finally be a real family, only to be confronted with the reality that her brother has always been that kind of man. As dark as it was the obsession he had for her was real and it was all the love he had in his body. There has never been a trace of platonic or pure love in his heart that the curse could have twisted into something else.

[captain-jale]

GUYS WE'RE SO BACK!!!!!

[callistoregulushot]

You are not alone...💗

[dhampirstudios]

V A M P I R E S E X C U L T by @dhampirstudios

[redemptiionss]

Sometimes I just think there’s something deeply wrong with me idk

[hevanderson]

screaming crying throwing up . lis kelliott

[jonny-b-meowborn]

As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.

[shadowed-yet-vibrant]

It's fascinating how, intuitively, I knew I was aroace from a young age. I was around 13 or 14 when my heart knew what my lips didn't have words for. I'm combing through an old journal tonight, and I found this poem I wrote by hand, called "Alone." It's very long, and not all of it is good, but the final stanza speaks a truth my conscious mind denied for another decade - that I can embrace myself and my lack of attraction, but it still hurts to feel like I am outcast, or strange, or somehow destined to suffer because of it.

"To drift aimlessly in death As I have in life Without a hand in mine Or a warm breath in my ear Lips on mine Moving with gentle rhythm Instead I am outcast Sent to feel nothing but the cold And my own weak heartbeat That I am sure is to fade As they all march in pairs And I am left As one"

[bichaels]

chat what do i do when i have to figure out what to do with my life but im literally not passionate or good at anything that makes money

[assiraphales]

on my hands and knees sobbing bc wolverine(s) constantly questioned his self worth and sense of belonging, has tried convincing everyone including himself that he’s a lone wolf when he’s a pack animal, considered himself nothing but a killer destined to die alone (if he even could), and thought of himself as an ugly unlovable thing just for deadpool 3 to be like ‘actually logan howlett is so important to the integrity of the xmcu that reality began to collapse in his absence’ and give the “worst” wolverine (aka a version who couldn’t save his friends and now lives in isolation) a home

[deliriouslyspooky]

Y’all ever discover that someone doesn’t and never did love you the way you thought they did, the way you loved them? Because I thought they did. And they don’t. Apparently they never did. Slay.