#and yeah i am burnt out after my diploma and exams and all that but at some point i just have to admit im not built for that. for anything.
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As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.
#you know theres this weird idk. impostor syndrome about me and my autism#like on one hand i know that autism is a disability. but on the other i cant think of myself as disabled#cause im not 'autistic enough'. because i can keep myself fed and clean and healthy and alive as long as im provided with everything i need#but then i have a full on breakdown because my new laptop doesnt work and i have to go to the store to have it checked/replaced#i wanna throw up just thinking about it#i cant do anything without my moms help#i wanna throw up and cry and die when theres too much happening around me. i cant survive in the real world. i just can't#i cant get a job or a partner or go to college or move out or even just fucking. go to a store and ask for help with my laptop.#i feel like im destined to live w my mom forever and not achieve anything and die alone#i keep talking about wanting to make a living with my art but thats bullshit. i do want that but i know it's not possible for me#i cant even fucking finish the commissions i already have. im scared to get new ones. im scared to do anything.#my brain refuses to let me work on anything#and yeah i am burnt out after my diploma and exams and all that but at some point i just have to admit im not built for that. for anything.#im built to live like a parasite baby and die#my mom is too good of a person to kick me out but i wouldnt blame her. im useless. i cant make money. i cant take care of myself#i dont know what to do#bee buzz
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