#despite my brain constantly going
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So, how does one maintain their joy of talking about fanfic plots/OCs with others, without going overboard, becoming unhinged, and unleashing a constant stream of consciousness about said plots/OCs that seemingly never has an end in sight, thus overwhelming the recipient of these discussions, even if they're too kind to state that they're overwhelmed outright?
Alternatively, how does one stop internalizing that they are, and always have been 'too much', 'annoying', and 'over the top', and actively silencing themselves/making themselves smaller, based on perceived moments where the recipient of the above conversations isn't responding as excitedly as they usually do, and thus must be tired of/annoyed by one's constant rambles?
Asking for a friend (it's me, I'm friend).
#text post#the exhausted pigeon rambles#kinda thought i was done with this particular thought process#but evidently it's back#yay?#i've always gotten myself so mired in obsessions that i really can yammer on about them ad nauseam for days and days (or weeks/months...)#and i'm always freaking *terrified* that this is my most annoying trait#constantly talking about said obsessions#there's never a ābreakā#and my parents loved telling me this was the height of annoying for as long as i can remember#so despite anyone else telling me it is NOT annoying my brain just can't believe it#and i end up withdrawing and going back into my little hidey hole#but i'm always so sad because the most fun i've ever had is engaging in discussion with other fans/writers#so when i actively deny myself that outlet it just...sucks#but to me it's better than eventually finding out the person can no longer be āniceā and tolerate it and they really do find it/me annoying#and they blow up or just ghost#i'm thirty-freaking-six why do i still obsess like this???#why can't i get a life lol
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Driving in the hard rain and at night is a mix of the most terrifying and electrifying experiences I think.
#šø minminrambles#Constantly battling my brain to not be scared vs going WEEEE RAIN#also I did surprisingly very well despite having eaten like. Four cookies today and nothing else.#And tomorrowā¦ is my last day. Oh holy shit. Iām. Iām done with undergrad. What. WHAT!!!#Oy! Goodness!!
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*draws something for the first time in a while. āMan I suck at drawing! Maybe go back to being good at it if I draw more!ā
*doesnāt draw
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āOh I got a neat idea for a drawing! Surely I have gotten better by now!ā Loop post
#this revelation brought to you by the one and only#midnight brainrot#probably could not of put these things together without the malaise of a mind awake at 3 am again despite saying that theyāre ātrying to fix#their sleep schedule ~ā#bah. I say things yet never do them. my brain always blocks any sort of progress with ājust one more videoā#even fun and enjoyment bends the knee to this declaration#even other YouTube videos!#when I do break it I end up back where I was because like asking for literally anything my brain does so much pushback that it feels#inherently wrong on a fundamental level#I donāt think Iām depressed I like life too much and enjoy existence#is this my brain punishing me for not dying before reaching adulthood like I always thought I would? or is it punishment for not constantly#going from the end of high school to another school like I planned because my purpose in life was to learn and go to school until I die#now I am left without purpose. literally wandering my house like a ghost when no oneās home#I say the two same things to my brother when he gets home so much that he once made a joke about me being an npc#and the worse part is. it wasnāt about that dumb TikTok brainrot meme thing. no it was because I say the exact same things the exact same wa#y every time he gets home. worse more is I can think of several other ways that that statement could be more accurate that he doesnāt know a#bout#I wish to game but never do#I want to make art and such but I never do#I went to an art class for years when I was a kid for Peteās sake!#my parents complain about my hair being too long and I agree but I still want it long I just always kept it short because of simple ma#maintenance. the only reason I ever grew it out was to keep warm I. the winter!#I spent my childhood with self imposed utilitarianism for no reason#no reason to expand my horizons and explore myself because I thought of myself as a lesser being that was fated to die randomly before#I could reproduce.#oh my goodness the reproduction thing! I thought I was straight for the longest time because I had to be#because the purpose of a person is to reproduce. yet I was all likeāI canāt reproduce as I am autistic and would taint my offspring. I am a#genetic dead end and deserve to have the effect of natural selection take placeā#through tv show mimicry and being a utilitarian little git I forced myself to be straight for years#and the worse part is I KNEW GAY PEOPLE EXISTED AND I ENVYED THEM FOR NOT HAVING TO REPRODUCE OH MY GOD IS THIS WHAT KARKAT FELT LIKE? NO I
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i miss how i felt before this year.
#i always felt like shit before august but not like this much. im so tired of being chronically dizzy .it feelsl ike my brain is melting.#im constantly dizzy and my eyes cant focus my head and eyes dont feel centered#despite cuting out alot of things its not going away. i cant focus anymore. all i can do is lie down for somewhat relief.#i miss being able to focus on anything at all. and just to exist. even if i felt mentally like shit.#id give anything to feel normal i really would. i just wanna feel better. im not saying no to the doctor. i WANT to#but thers so much sickness risk. thats hteo nly thing stopping me from going. otherwise id go to the doc for every ailment#i need an MRI scan badly to check what hapened back in august. i need a scan for seizures aswell and a heart monitor.#i also need updated labwork for blood and everything. but these things are out of reach unless i go to a reg doctor.#and that exposes me and i cant stand it. last time someone actively had norovirus in the next room over and that same doctor#came up to me like nothing and confirmed it with me. didnt even wash her fucking hands. i was inconsolable and traumatized further.#i dont wanna be around anyone. i wish things were easier for me i wanna go to the doctor. i feel id rather die instead. i cant take this.#i would even take an EAR INFECTION which has deafened me over feeling like this. im not even kidding.#health issues /#venting in tags /#vent art /#vent doodles /#self scribbles -#cicidraws#deleting later- - //#im convinced i had a small stroke back in august and i havent been the same since. now i cant take aspirin. every time i do it worsens dizz#dizziness. i started feeling a little better at one point and took it and it restarted my dizziness again. im sure i have something going o#my anxiety because of feeling this way has been thru the roof and has not stopped being thru the roof. its so hard to calm down.
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Lose myself to you (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#ZEX#The Captain#Vent?? Maybe??#I've been having something of a rough time of it lately so I actually broke and made myself some SCII hurt/comfort for a change of pace#I almost never make hurt/comfort - more of a whump creator haha āŖ - but yeah I needed it#It ended up just being a short little 1.6k jaunt but I did do it all in one sitting and got some needed emotions out so thank you these two#I think it's also my first vent fic :0 So that's interesting!#As well as the first one that I inserted images into! I've been wanting to for a while but I never have! I know how to now! :D#Constantly thinking about how oddly on equal footing these two are despite being so different#It makes the way they differ so interesting!#They're both important figures in their respective military forces and yet the Captain is so young!#Not only a lack of experience leading to the blows hitting him harder proportionally but also just - that's just how teenage human brains do#(If the Captain is still a teen - it's gotten very stuck to me that he hasn't quite turned 20 yet haha)#But again again even still he's a very young and new adult - there's a lot of chemistry going on in his brain that makes the job hard#And so having ZEX as a partner and a mentor - it creates a weird dynamic! It's interesting to me#ZEX /is/ definitely weird towards the Captain haha but past a certain point he really does only have so much power over him#And I just like it better when he guides him over trying to control him <3 Usually anyway lol - in this instance for sure#Their weird dynamic being a source of comfort and escape ā„ Of ZEX being gentle with him while still working to his own ends haha#ZEX is such an interesting character; he's hard to classify and I like that about him very much
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i think about 1986!tj so often. too often actually. not only is he fictional, but heās a fictional version of a fictional character. heās so important to me and i cannot express it due to the fact that he exists only on ao3 and in my head. itās tragic really.
#i wanna hold him in my hands like a lost kitten#if i had 3 wishes one of them would go towards making that fic into a movie as it is all so clear in my head i think it could happen#that concept in particular is something i think about frequently#iām constantly moments away from forcing my friends to read it despite none of them caring ab andi mack like i do#itās so important#it changed the trajectory of my brain for the rest of time#andi mack#bonk thoughts
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If anybody wants an update on the precariously-close-to-failed democracy of Ohio, the Republican supermajority is attempting to keep the sitting president off of the November ballot on a technicality they created (and have previously bypassed when convenient).
These are the same people that tried everything in their power to keep an abortion initiative off the ballot despite swearing up and down it wouldn't pass anyway because they totally represent the average Ohioan's opinion on this matter so they KNOW Ohioans are against abortion, and when the measure DID get put on the ballot and Ohioans DID vote to protect abortion, they immediately said "This isn't over," because fuck the people's will.
I've said it before and I will continue to scream it until I'm red in the fucking face:
One party isn't perfect, but they have shown they value the most basic tenets of representative democracy.
The other party is pulling out all the stops to ensure we are a "democracy" in theory only.
#btw some of the worst republicans in the nation (tho not the most outrageous) are from ohio#before roe v wade was even being challenged every small town and conservative city#was starting to pass legislation banning it#'in the event' rvw was overturned#some of the shadiest most corrupt conservative politicians outside of texas are in ohio#and they are constantly overlooked bc 'it's ohio who cares'#despite being the 7th most populous state in the country it feels like almost no one ever acknowledges the fucked up shit that happens ther#it is extremely frustrating#i was crying on the phone to my bf once venting abt the shit i was seeing and hearing re:abortion#bc i genuinely believed (and still do) there was no way so many conservatives would start passing such bans#all at the SAME TIME#if they didnt have word that something was going on. that SOMEONE behind closes doors had hinted at something.#and i was told i was being paranoid. there's no way it wld be overturned.#that's what a bunch of blue state motherfuckers kept saying#and look what happened#and now these same blue state motherfuckers say they dont have/want to vote for biden#and it drives me insane#bc the kind of conservatives that have taken over ohio love that rhetoric.#and maybe this is bc im from a red state but i CANNOT STAND you stipid motherfuckers that take shit for granted#voting is the absolute bare minimum#when you dont do it and promote voter apathy#these are the peoppe you're letting win#and frankly giving in to voter apathy bc ur in a 'safe' blue state is despicable to me#bc ur potentially spreading that apathy to states that need voters that ARENT Christian fascists to get out and vote#and the onyl thing keeping some of the more despicable red governments in our country in check rn#WHETHER YOU WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT OR NOT#is Biden's administration#they are NOT equal and if you are genuonely making that argument im not being nice anymore u just have shit for brains#youve spent too much time engaging in rhetoric on the internet and have officially lost touch with reality#im.on mobile so I'm not fixing the typos in my tags fuck you
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#god i haven't said anything about this but i'm full on stewing on behalf of ry & matt but especially ryan#like jesus christ you can't be that dense and vengeful as a person to constantly drag someone's name through the mud who attempted#all in the guise of your own SA. like be a human with a brain fucking hell#that'd be like if one of ** ******'s* friends had SA'ed me and then if they had a friend who had attempted s*icide#and then i thought it was fine and normal to drag that person into it. which it's fucking not#anyways as someone who's gone through SA but also someone close to s*icide attempts if they're not fully related don't bring them up.#out of context you just look like an asshole who despite having gone through something themselves (not trying to diminish that)#who doesn't understand people also go through things too that are equally traumatic#anyways fuck off <3#this just has to do with l*x btw. this isn't even relation to the whole shitstorm that was/is le*ghton and eth*n and r*v.#anyways im also aware i posted something about causing drama so i might not leave this up but i needed to get this out of my head lmao
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whats worse, the roleplay side of tumblr or kinblr
the rpc by far. at least kinblr was filled with other fat delusional autistics that were mean, like if someone was insulting me i at least knew they were doing it bc they were jealous of my kinlist or something. the rpc has to be one of the most racist, ableist groups on tumblr ive seen. heavy on the racism.
#to put it into context i was never told on kinblr that people were demonizing me because i was ugly#i was however told that people hated my oc and thought he was annoying and demonized him bc he was fat and 'not conventionally attractive'#multiple times. despite him being nicer then 40% of the characters in the rpc#i had people sending me constant stuff about how i was faking my disabilities for attention or money or sympathy. i was getting anon hate#constantly. someone tried to frame me for proshipping because they were upset my character hooked up with my friends characteer before#theirs did. and that followed me for months and months after despite the three of our characters being IN a polycule#the thing is i think people think iots free game to make potshots at your characters weird traits for fun but i was very open about most of#my characters being heavily based off myself. ie: fat. autistic. strange. goth. brain damage. schizophrenic. etc#which hurt when they'd go after those parts of the characters.#id have people target specific triggers of mine and try to trigger my paranoia etc etc#and ontop of all that. im white#i have friends who have gone through so much worse in the rpc because they aren't. the racism is so fucking bad#im rambling#kinblr sucked ass but in a very like#'the special ed kids are fighting' kind of way. like 90% of the bad shit in kinblr was like#i got 'called out' for fakjing being jewish with no proof in the slightest bc they were a double and wanted me off the platform LOL#txt
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this is my third time rereading the golden compass and i am always surprised pikachu face about how fucked up the first couple of chapters are about the gobblers
#despite how much i love HDM i've actually only ever reread TGC#i'm a former read-books-only-once kid and as an adult who constantly needs to reread books i'm going back to the YA books that#changed my brain chemistry#pretty sure HDM turned me into the empathetic atheist i am today#but anyways#also everyone say thank you to the HBO show for the publishers of HDM rereleasing all the audiobooks with full casts!!!#when i reread TGC the first time only the first one had the fullcast audiobook iirc#gonna go back to tsk and tas hopefully this time !!
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Idk how I should tag this so I'll put it under a read more. It's slightly weird religious shit, I guess?
Nothing like a nightmare of me being sentenced to eternal damnation to remind me that christianity has - to a certain extent - fucked me up. And the people I'm forced to be around are not helpingš
#chichi.txt#i always think ānah im good my family wasnt even the go to church every sunday type of christians - we'd be considered lukewarm christiansā#and then shit like this happens and i'm like āwow okay so years of occasionally going to church still did a number on meā#i can rarely remember what i learnt at church i constantly draw a blank if its anything beyond āgod is loveā and ājesus died for usā#i went because my parents wanted me to and most of the time a lot of what was being preached went in one ear and out the other#but it's like despite that... bits and pieces of what was being taught still managed to embed itself into my brain#yuck#all this and i have the audacity to think i can't pull of writing an oc that has religious trauma because āit wasnt that bad for meā
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Hhh
#i am so angry with myself#it seems like i cant say the right thing#i love her so much and im so worried about her#im worreid about her hurting herself too hhh#i just dont understand why i cant pick up on her cues better#yesterday i should have known to keep asking#and today its like the first thing i brought up despite the fact that if i would have maybe just waited and talked to her more#wed probably still be on the call right now hhh#shes going through enough shit i dont wanna add anything else but im making things harder for her#i need to just cut this shit out. put myself in a better mental state and focus on supporting her#listening to her and taking care of her#i should have been able to make her feel better yesterday but i was stupid as fuck#all i needed to do was use my brain but i just thiught i was being annoying by constantly asking#i cant believe the way i make these situations harder on her#im so angry#i just need to make this better#i need to treat her better#mine
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Sure there's zombies killing and eating people on the street but those people are not dying from the virus they're dying from comorbidities. For instance, that guy we saw getting eaten on the way into work today clearly died from blood loss, not infection, plus he already had a heart condition. People with preexisting conditions are just going to have to take care of themselves. Say it with me, "They're all already dead to me." See, that feels a lot better now doesn't it?
Good because you still have to go to work. No we're not paying you extra. Yes we're doubling grocery prices. No you don't qualify for disability. Or healthcare. Or a home.
Look, if you get bitten, you can stay home for one day, I guess š, but then you need to come in early. We're really short staffed at the moment, despite our company's profits being higher than ever. In fact we may be laying some of you off next month. You don't mind working off the clock right?
Also you look silly with that protective gear. We're gonna harass you for it, not like institutionally but just socially. Who cares if a zombie attacks you? Who cares if we invite them into the building? You don't need to defend yourself, you're just overreacting. If you get bitten just tell everyone the festering bite mark is from a different animal, that's what we all do.
And hey, don't worry so much. It's endemic, which means we don't have to keep track of how many people are dying from it anymore. Just look at those numbers! It's only killed 2,000 people in America this week! That's basically nobody! We're back to normal!
If everything starts tasting like rotting meat for the rest of your life, it's probably something else. If you experience brain fog or you forget things constantly or you're tired all the time after even minor physical activity, it's just because you're lazy. Yes every other virus you ever get will also be increasingly worse but that's just a coincidence. Those viruses just happen to be exponentially worse now.
Plus, those few weeks during the lockdown were terrible for my mental health. I just can't keep living like that, so we have to go back to normal life, which now involves people biting each other and twitching uncontrollably and rotting visibly.
You can't expect the world to wait for you. "Already dead to me," remember?
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The himbo, malewife, goofball -fication of percy jackson is such a crime by both the fans and riordan. It has made Mr not like percabeth as a couple because in all posts and in later books annabeth is such a girlboss, while Percy's dumb and can't fight his way out of a paperbag without her. All the posts are about how annabeth will be an architect and percy would love to be a trophy husband.
Even the humor in the books went from Percy's sharp wit and snark to 'my pancakes can't drown because I'm a son of poseidon.'
And now this recommendation letter bullshit.
Honestly now I'd wish percy just separated from annabeth (but they remain best friends.) He stays home with his family, becomes a camp counselor, helps young demigods, holds God's accountable and eventually becomes a social activist. (I also dislike him doing something marine biology related. It's clear he hates academics but he always wants to help people. Him helping demigods and mortals is such a wholesome profession for him.)
I fully agree with the first half of this, though I slightly disagree with part of the latter.
The later-series and fanon mischaracterization of Percy is at least a solid 50% ableism minimum, full stop. He's being warped into a very stereotyped ADHD character and the exact reason why he's being characterized as "dumb" is because of ableism. Percy is a very intelligent character! That's exactly why he's so in sync with Annabeth and they're such a strong duo! It's just generally Annabeth is more book/academically smart.
I disagree with where you say he hates academics - because that's one of the common misconceptions about his character. Percy doesn't hate learning or academic subjects! He's not even bad at them! We know explicitly that when he is in an accommodating environment he is interested in learning and gets significantly better grades! Percy only dislikes school because it is generally an environment that systematically he struggles with. It's literally just he has a learning disability (two, actually)! That's it! When his learning disability is accommodated for he does well! It's almost like that's what accommodations are all about! We know this from the first series! It's discussed pretty in-depth! Percy isn't a dumb character and he doesn't hate learning, he's just been let down by school systems so much that he's inherently distrustful of them. If they actually accommodate him though then he does just fine!
And that's exactly what CHB was all about and why New Rome University was supposed to be such a big thing for him! CHB is a learning environment geared for demigods. NRU is a demigod college. Both inherently imply an environment meant to cater to and accommodate students with ADHD and dyslexia! They are both systematically structured to be able to accommodate him! Heck, CHB and CJ even both address in the wider themes of the series a metaphor about how ADHD and dyslexia are commonly seen as childhood disabilities, and how it can be more difficult to find accommodations into adulthood because of that attitude but those disabilities don't just go away - that's why CHB is a summer camp but they talk about how demigods outside of CHB don't often fare well. The metaphor there is those who are not getting help or accommodations are struggling. Because that's how that works! This is a fully intentional metaphor from the first series! CHB is never framed as being perfect for demigods, because one of the entire central conflicts of the series is Percy and Luke going back and forth about this flawed system meant to help and support them but still letting people fall through the cracks. The "claim your kids by 13" thing is a metaphor about how acknowledging a child's disabilities (and possibly getting a diagnosis) earlier/as early as possible means they will have more time to learn and build up resources and support for themselves to be able to use later in life. One of CHB's major flaws is that it can accommodate demigods to a certain point, but it can only do so much before those demigods have to leave (the metaphor being accommodating school systems when those disabled students do not have any other forms of accommodations in their lives.)
And that's why Camp Jupiter was framed as being so revolutionary for Percy because it had an environment acknowledging that this is not just a childhood disability, adults with ADHD/dyslexia exist too and still need and deserve accommodations, AND is a place where those accommodations are available. That's why Camp Jupiter and NRU are treated as such special and important things to Percy, because it's essentially Percy being shown this type of thing can and does exist and it is available to him. It is an option he never thought was possible. Percy never thought he'd be able to go to college because he would not be able to go through school without accommodations, but NRU proves otherwise.
The part that's absolutely stupid is Rick then proceeded to retcon NRU so that apparently it's not a full college and Percy still has to take classes at normal mortal college which DEFEATS THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF NRU EXISTING. Rick has fully retconned that demigods struggle past the ages of 16-18 when they're on their own (see above elaborated metaphors) and in doing so we have fully killed all symbolism in literally all of that. It's so stupid. And by having the plot of the CoTG trilogy entirely be that Percy is not actually allowed access to NRU in the first place because he is a son of Poseidon and has to do extra to even be accepted is stupid!
All that to say, I agree the marine biology feels like a huge cop-out and a disservice to his character by reducing him to just a son of Poseidon. The literal only reason why it's the default option people take for him is because oh, fish thing, fish guy. But I feel like everyone ignores the really obvious answer for what Percy would want to do which is - writing. Both his parents are writers/authors and he clearly admires that about them. Percy likes telling stories! He canonically is already a published author in-universe! That's what the books ARE in-universe! The first series fully exists in their universe and Percy is the author! This is explicit canonical information! Percy canonically has help physically writing it down (accommodations) but he is still the credited author! Percy is a writer! Already! Canonically! Why are we making him a marine biologist he already has a profession that ties into his character significantly more. Like you said, Percy likes helping people. That's what the books in-universe are supposed to be for! It's point blank at the beginning of the series! Book one! The thing everybody quotes all the time! The books exist because it is Percy trying to give advice to other demigods who don't know what's going on yet! It's Percy's writing down his experiences to help new demigods understand and contextualize their experiences so they can understand themselves better and figure out what's going on - WHICH IN ITSELF IS ALSO A METAPHOR ABOUT ADHD/DYSLEXIA! Because the core of the series has and always will be built around ADHD/dyslexia! Percy as a protagonist EXPLICITLY was created so that ADHD/dyslexic kids could see themselves as a hero!
Sorry that all was a very tangential rant but my point being: Absolutely. Percy in newer stuff in the franchise and in fanon is horrifically mischaracterized in ways that are functionally either fully ableist (shoutout TSATS for just outright claiming Percy is intentionally lazy and skips school out of disinterest, which is like the number one ableist attitude towards kids with learning disabilities) or a complete erasure of Percy's disabilities. Also I think he should be a writing major not a marine biologist.
#percy jackson#prev tags ->#i'm holding a microphone up to this post#i loathe the āpercy doesn't care abt schoolā bc literally in the first book he wants to do well bc mr brunner believes in him...#which makes it abundantly clear that percy's problem is that he's not getting what he needs to do well not that he doesn't care#see: the teacher who asked him why he never studies for his spelling tests and percy's retaliation getting him expelled#it's not subtle! it is the premise of the story!#i'm pretty sure i've talked abt how percy would crush a lit class given the proper accommodations so. but author percy so true rt#and marine biology...literally percy *is* environmentally conscious since tlt but there are better options if rick wanted to go that route#bc marine biology is literally just. haha poseidon. besides percy can do environmental work regardless bc. hello! grover!#the malewife thing...like yeah percy does like kids! it's a plot point in a lot of the books that he will prioritize caring for others#but it's also something he can get from being a teacher. working at a daycare. holding the olympians accountable#he's allowed to have goals outside of annabeth! in fact treating him like he needs annabeth to tell him what to do is ableism!#and his lack of ambition/planning is bc he's been suicidal since the first book in the universe and no one has#ever seriously acknowledged it. partially bc rick decided that percy can't have ptsd despite writing him w ptsd in pjo#don't even talk to me abt it *explodes*#this wasn't mentioned but tangentially the āpercy knows better than to challenge annabethā is so disgusting to me#bc that's literally what percy and sally's relationship w gabe was like. can we use our fucking brains why are we running w this#especially combined w the whole āpercy is stupid and annabeth is a girlbossā ableism it gets really gross really fast#don't even get me started on how annabeth's disabilities are erased so she can girlboss it up in both canon and fanon#percabeth is not the exception to rick's writing flaws or fandomization š®#ANYWAY prev tags i don't have room to copy them BUT YEAH#i have a compilation in my drafts of every adhd/dyslexia mention in hoo bc i was trying to find out if piper says she has adhd#and every scene in five books w nine povs is like. 18. including frank's bemoaning. for comparison the mentions in tlt ALONE is like 16.#morever percy is the only character to talk abt their personal experiences w dyslexia (HELLO???)#and percy annabeth and leo are the only characters to bring up how their adhd affects them personally so yeah um. ball dropped!#disabilities are an integral part of demigods like u cannot separate them doing so severely affects the entire world building#rick constantly ignoring how pjo showed both that the gods changed and could changed is infuriating to me#like treating zeus as a petulant child when in pjo he was the leader of the pta talking abt ppl who weren't represented on the panel UGH#rr crit
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Thinks so hard abt swap au Wendy... Worlds lamest trans person sees being turned into a robot as a bad thing smh
#rat rambles#starve posting#now that my friend is an over simplification and in truth his situation is indeed deeply extistenstially horrifying#especially for a child who in no ways could ever be expected to process this at all but is left with nothing else to think about#long story short one night abby was like hey hey wendy you know what we should do? we should go camping!!#and packed a bunch of things a kid would think you need for camping and dragged wendy off into the woody mountains by the cabin their#family was vacationing at despite wendy saying thats a dumb idea and he doesnt want to go#eventually abby chose out a camping spot and ran off to get some firewood leaving wendy to wait and watch their stuff#then webber who as Ive barely but technically explained only half exists is watching sadly in the distance sad he can't join#and wendy sees him and is like wtf and webber gets super excited because wendy can see him but that ends up freaking wendy out more#leading to him backing away as webber tries to get close and slipping and falling down a very steep slope and bonking his head rip#he was basically dead and webber was upset and felt bad so he took it upon himself to save wendy's brain and make him a new body!#but since wendy's brain was pretty fucked a lot had to be replaced with robotic parts and pretty much all of wendy's memories were lost#he has some very very corrupted memory from the last night before he died and some scattered memories from when webber was testing shit#before his body was fully made and thats everything he could remember when waking up in his new body for the first time#to be clear he wasn't conscious the Entire time webber was working on his new body since webber kept him in a sleep like state mostly#only pulling him out of it for certain tests where he wanted his brain to be more responsive#mostly just to test like his eyes and ears and such#but yeah he got seperated from webber in a ~wild wacky storm~ and woke up alone in the constant proper#he is like soooo fucking miserable like all the time hes constantly feeling phantom pain and remebers just enough to know hes missing smth#and it only gets worse after he and abby are reunited because despite this being the one person he can vaguely remember being important to#him he cant seem to feel that same sense of familiarity he remembers feeling before and it just makes him more miserable#this ofc makes abby also freak out and since her way of dealing with things she doesnt know how to deal with is hard denial it gets worse#I <3 tragic siblings#but yeah wendy mostly copes with his situation by mangling critters into fucked up drone things to feel in control of smth#asside from the abby situation tho in general things start slowly getting better after he joins the other survivors#mostly just because he actually has to be like. a person. and while it is rly hard for him and he doesn't see himself as a person anymore#that doesnt stop unoticed progress from happening just due to the nature of being a person in a group of ppl who treat him as a person#and he and abby slowly start to bridge the gap between them but its very very rough for the first good while#its mostly a matter of abby calming down enough to realize that wendy is stressed out by this just as much if not more
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every winter I have one mission & one mission only: Survive
#my mental health is at its worst. seasonal depression is kicking my ass. my suicidal thoughts are louder than ever.#im constantly haunted by traumatic holiday memories from several years ago. all of the odds are stacked against me in my own brain#and yet-despite it all-i keep going in the hope that someday several months from now it will be worth it#angel.txt
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