#depression talking but it just feels like the universe is telling me i suck and can't have anything over and over

[risingshards]

Writing Year in Review 2024 Part 1: Wins and Defeats

Doing this a bit earlier than the 31st but I pretty much have the gist of things. On paper this should be a year I should be celebrating writing-wise. I got my first print book deal (for a nonfiction junior book not like big doorbuster fantasy deal but still!) and my first premium web novel in Reborn in a Fighting Game with My Rival.

I should be doing a victory lap but I just feel like I failed. In my most recent meeting with my writing workshop someone said I must be feeling great with the year I had, but internally I was like, I don't feel like I had a great year. I'm gonna try to weave in some good vibes but this is gonna be yet another mopey post in a year filled with em I have a feeling.

✅ for wins and ❌ for things I feel like I failed on.

✅I was able to keep up with a bunch of projects at once. While writing Reborn, I kept writing Rising Shards, and took on an extra challenge in trying for an action fantasy web novel contest in Lost Hero. A half point off on this because juggling everything put me very far behind and keeping up with writing and work was tough.

❌Readership woes. I don't want to sound ungrateful at ALL for the wonderful amazing and kind readers I have, but on a sheer numbers level this year was rough. Watching Rising Shards lose 50% or more of its readership hurts, and I'm not sure what exactly I did, or if I did anything, but you know I'm gonna overthink it.

I had a month of short interlude chapters to give myself break last January and views fell off, maybe that did it. Maybe the arc I chose to pursue this year wasn't the right one. Maybe RS is just too long now and people fell off and there's no hope of getting them back with the kind of story I want to write. Maybe I'm not getting featured anymore which boosted my views. Maybe I just fucking suck at convincing people to read my work. I would guess it's a mix of everything there but I have this need to keep going with Rising Shards even though it's super duper long now. It's my comfort series and they're my comfort characters, and I'm a firm believer in a primarily slice of life series that goes really long being a potential source of comfort for others. I still have a ways to go on it so I hope I can get my numbers up so I don't get depressed about it every so often.

✅I wrote a nonfiction book that will be in print soon. This project was so tough to work on and I don't know if I'll share it on here since it was through a local publisher, but soon I'll have a book that I wrote in print.

❌The Lost Hero. My action fantasy contest entry didn't get much traction and didn't advance in the contest. It was such a sprint getting it done but sad to have come short, and in hindsight thinking about it, I made so many mistakes writing it that I didn't really deserve to even make it to round two.

❌Projects I wanted to get to but couldn't. While I did get three going at once, there was still a bunch I didn't make as much progress on as I wanted. I've been trying to do a Patreon exclusive series forever but made zero progress on that (and made negative progress on my Patreon sigh), and had some other series I wanted to work on.

✅Reborn in a Fighting Game with My Rival. My big win of the year, a dream come true. I entered this series into Tapas' romance web novel contest last year and it made the top 50 and was picked up. I am 95% done with the series and am writing the ending now (Obligatory note that I want to do a Season 2 or a sequel someday), and it has been such a pleasure to work on even when it got tough. The staff from Tapas has been so cool and supportive and understanding of the writers and I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity. The day it launched will forever be a special day to me.

So more losses than wins. The wins were pretty big, but the losses sting really hard. Overall, I should be proud of how I did last year, juggling three series, having my first premium series, etc. but I feel more disappointed in myself than anything. I hope I can use these feelings to push forward and pull something amazing off, but for now I feel like I tripped and fell into the trenches and have to figure out how to get back on my feet.

Part 2 here

Part 3 here

[vampsquerade]

i need some huge konig comfort because im so upset :(

dude of course! i’m so sorry for getting to this a little late, but i hope you’re feeling better being upset is never fun and how long i took probably didn’t help you :c wishing you the best and lord of love

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König x GN!Reader: Righting Someone’s Wrong

Trigger Warnings: angst with a good ending, hurt/comfort, accidental stalking(?), scars, failed dates, kissing, embracing, anxiety, apologies, threatening language, use of Y/N

Life has a really shitty way of having to balance things within the universe for everybody in the world. Some people tend to get very lucky while others are given the opposite side of the coin. Day in and day out, every second, imaginary numbers would change sequence to infinite possibilities and change the probability outcome. You were convinced it would just stay that way for you forever; today was a day with some terrible odds. Everything somehow, some way, went completely wrong for you. You had been waiting for a date for a whole hour and a half, and they’d never arrived.

You felt so stupid for waiting there so long just for nothing. It made the man who was patrolling the streets very curious about you, even more so now that he saw your depressed facial expression. The man sucked up any thought that told him to not interfere and at a staggering 6’6”, walked into the café you’d been in. “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” the gentle giant asked. Your head whipped up and you wiped at your eyes with a napkin, “O-Oh…no not at all…” you say. The man nods and takes his seat in front of you, giving you a gentle smile from beneath the mask he wore over his mouth to conceal his identity while on patrol.

“Are you feeling alright? You seem very upset right now…I may be a stranger, but I do wish to allow you to have someone you can trust and talk with,” the man said as he tapped on the table with one finger. You remain silent, trying to recompose yourself for a moment before speaking. “I-I…I’m really not feeling alright…to be honest,” your voice has become a little strained as your throat tightens, “because my date totally bailed. And I feel so stupid.” The stranger looks at you with the most gentle, soft, and sad eyes you’d ever seen as he reaches out for your hand now. “That’s upsetting—I’m so sorry that happened to you…um…” he becomes bashful.

With his other hand, he fidgets with his hood for a moment before recomposing himself, “Would you mind if I was your date?” he asks, squeezing your hand tighter. Visibly flustering, you stare at him with wide eyes, “You want to make this a date? Truly?” The man nods, laughing nervously, “B-But if you don’t it’s okay! I will understand if you just need your time alone.” His voice, while anxious, is still as gentle as you expected it to be. A small laugh escapes your lips when you see how nervous he is, feeling a sense of ease at the sight. “Well, I’m not opposed to the idea,” you say, smiling.

Squeezing his hand, you see the man’s sad eyes twinkle with hope that he can actually make you feel better. He was determined to make you feel better and that’s what cheered you up a bit. “So…give me your name? I can’t just go on a date without knowing what to call you,” you say, teasing him a little bit. “O-Oh! Yes, okay…my name is König. A-And you?” The stranger you may now identify as “König” said, asking you the same thing. “You can call me Y/N…thank you for actually agreeing to be my date today…that’s really sweet of you for a stranger…” you say, complimenting him for being nice enough to be your date.

You could tell he was getting flustered, blushing enough to where his whole face was red. “W-Well, it’s my duty to be there for the people whenever they need me to be and…well, you looked like you needed someone to be there for you.” König says, wanting to make you feel appreciated and cared for. Now it was your turn to get flustered, and since he was able to see your face better, his perceptive sniper’s eye was able to catch the visible scrunch of your face as you pursed your lips for just a moment. “Heh…made you feel all warm, didn’t I?” König asks in a playful manner, tapping on the table again to see if you’ll repeat the rhythm like you had earlier.

Laughing softly, you shake off his flirting a bit and recompose yourself. Tapping against the table once more, the sad look in König’s eyes seems to go away now when he hears it and watches you do it. “Do you normally tap on tables like that?” The question is innocent nature, just wanting to get to know him better. “Ja, sometimes—it’s just a force of habit,” König sighs softly, looking at you with a different gaze now. One more, nervous and gentle at the same time. “Now I will admit…I have been watching you for a good bit…but not in a creepy way, okay?” he confesses, making your eyes widen just a bit.

Not a word comes out from you, and yet you decide to allow him to keep talking. Based on the expression he’s got, he’s desperately having a battle in his mind if he could keep saying what he was trying to tell you. “I was watching your expression change from so excited, to nervous, before becoming depressed once you realized what your date did…” König continues to confess. Hearing he had been watching you for the entire time and now seeing he was doing this to keep you company and make you feel better, all those feelings of dread washed away. This was a man you could feel safe with, despite his sudden appearance.

“I’ll admit, it sounded…pretty creepy, but—!” you begin to speak, stopping once you see König’s sad eyes somehow become sadder, “but, it was because you didn’t finish explaining. Am I allowed to ask what your line of work is?” you then ask, wanting to know more. He then perks up when you ask about him more, “I can’t give all the details, but we can just say I’m a soldier…from Austria. Where? It’s a surprise��well…” he trails off, laughing to himself a little, “more like a secret.” König teases before standing up. You’re a little confused when he does, but when König offers his hand to you, it just makes you smile.

“Come on, let’s change your plans up—last minute style. I know a good spot to enjoy someone’s company. It’s pretty romantic too, but a little far,” König says. Taking the chance with another random stranger today, you go for it by grabbing his hand and standing up. Taking your things with you in your other hand, you step out of the café together and begin to walk down the bustling city streets. You have no idea where König’s leading you, but for some reason, a lot of trust is being put into him right now. This man probably has the capability to fucking kill you considering his imposing stature…and yet he seems a little too nice to do so.

Maybe because you don’t pose a threat at all.

Eventually, König has led you to a nearby park, one you particularly liked due to its proximity to a forest with a trail that branched off into it. “Oooo, getting me to a secluded location, eh? What, gonna kill me?” You tease, making König look at you in disbelief. “What? Why would I do that? You’re too cute and nice to kill—you’re not one of my targets, so I’ll spare your life,” König says. His tone is a little too cheerful when he says this, making you feel a little nervous now. “Nobody should ever get that excited at the thought of telling someone they’re not the target he’s supposed to kill. Wait—he fucking said what?” Instantaneously, your brain speaks to all nerves and cells in your body; fight or flight seems to kick in.

“So your work is dangerous…” you whisper softly to yourself. “Not only that, but it’s a big secret. Be good for me and don’t say a word, okay?” König says, his voice still eerily cheerful. Your stomach drops a bit more once, making you stop dead in your tracks. “Hey, what’s the matter? Did I scare you? I’m sorry—truly I didn’t mean it…” König asks as he stops walking himself. In this moment, you turn yourself away from him to process what was going on. “Y/N…? Please look at me…” he pleads you softly, eyes filled with an apologetic gaze.

You slowly do as you’re told, your eyes meeting König’s. “l won’t bring you harm, okay? I can see you look scared but you’ll need to trust me—I’m a military man,” he speaks to you in a gentle tone, “and that’s all I can give about this. I have values, and don’t believe in the harm of someone who doesn’t deserve it.” König then cautiously reaches out for you, as if reaching for a frightened animal. Not a single muscle moves, keeping you completely frozen in place. Large, gentle hands then hold onto your shoulders in an attempt to let you know he was about to embrace you. He continues to move, pulling you into a hug.

You’d expected König’s body to feel cold and off putting as well as give you more reason to run away right now, but you don’t. He’s extremely warm in the cold autumn air, relaxing you enough to feel safe once again. You would stay this way for a whole minute, as König then tries to comfort you as best as he can to calm you down. “I promise you that I would never want to bring you harm,” he continues speaking, stroking the nape of your neck a little to reassure you. You then feel him take a deep breath before sighing shakily. It’s as if König was preparing to continue fighting for your trust.

“I…I was bullied a lot, as a kid. I can understand that fear of being hurt by people who barely know you…” He says, confessing to you a reason that would at least prove he won’t do anything to hurt you. You look up at König from his chest, and he looks down to meet your eyes. “If anything, I won’t let anybody hurt you. I want to protect you a lot, okay? I will do everything to make sure that nobody hurts you,” he says, voice filled with determination. König’s grip on you becomes tighter and more protective, clearly taking this seriously. Your body seems to heat up a little when he’s practically devoting himself to your safety.

Even if he had scared you, completely by accident, König wanted you to know you’re safe. “Th…thank you…I trust you to keep your word, alright König?” you say softly. König, feeling a little brave to trust you with his identity, then lowers the mask over his mouth so it rests on his chin to seal the deal. He’s got a few scars on his face, with one that lightly passes over his soft, plump lips. One of them appears to have just recently healed, scar protruding and a fleshy pink color. “Has anyone told you how handsome you are?” You suddenly flirt, making König blush a deep red. “N-No…because nobody’s ever really seen my entire face,” König mumbles, leaning down a little so you could get a better look.

His eyes were still soft and sad, giving you a look within what makes him care so much; pure affection. König feels a deep connection to you, and very much wants to keep it. “Meine Liebe…” he whispers in a hushed tone, plump lips slightly quivering from apprehensive breathing, “please let me be the one to care for you. I will comfort you and give you all the love and attention you deserve.” Your eyes stare into König’s deeply due to the proximity, yet only for a moment as they slowly flutter shut once you lean in to kiss him. His own eyes widen, becoming much softer as they fill with a profound sense of comfort for you. The two of you were only strangers, on a new date after your previous one failed, and yet you managed to have a heart to heart.

König’s eyes would flutter shut, breathing becoming slightly heavy as he kisses you back. His hands find their way to your back, pulling you into his body. Your own hands do the same, and the need for oxygen pulls the both of you away gently. Your eyes open simultaneously, and a soft breeze brushes past the surrounding trees. “I’ve never kissed on the first date before…that was sweet,” you whisper softly against König’s lips. He gives a gentle smile, “Good. I’m glad you liked it that much…are you feeling better?” König speaks to you in a delicate manner, concerned for how you’re currently feeling in the moment after what he had said. You smile simply smile and give him another peck on the lips, “Personally?”

“So much better.”

[pumpkinstrawbrew]

*harvey bullock's voice* : batman an' that scarecrow guy are in cahoots! i'm tellin' ya! the vigilante an' that fruitcake totally have somethin' nasty goin' on!

bullock ships it know whats up. meanwhile, gordon is like 🤷‍♂️ 'idk, they look like sworn enemies to me'. so what if batman apprehends him very weirdly.

...

(one of very lovely an’ endearing btas crane’s features for me, always gonna be how he’s a complete twerp compared to his comic counterparts. he’s not only hella scrawny, but he’s also pretty short too.

comic crane build like a pencil compared to bruce, but btas jon is this, but a small version. a real gremlin, where in the comics, he's a goblin.

him being smaller have it's +. for one, he's easier to throw around an’ manhandle. or in this case, i kinda just thought ‘hey, bruce will have no problem to just place him in his laps’. jonathan is cuddly sized for the bat. gotta abuse this advantage to the max. he can catch him this way, or can hold him too… 

an’ look at that, it might lead to one of those few *rare, very rare* times, when jon will attempt to be comforting. he sucks at this, but he does show a shine of sympathy, if he's in the mood for that. but yeah, he would only do it, when batman is all sad an’ down. if he was scared, it’s another story. 

depressed bat makes crane feel some sort of way he hates. he won’t dare to call it anything, but he would rather them do smth less…..this. being held is nice tho. so he tolerates it, telling himself that it's fine just this one time. but then, casually tolerates *basks in* it every damn time from that point on, while using the same excuse… 

he can be regal like that lol.  

an’ speaking of regal…….

i always loved, when the bat tried to catch the scarecrow for a second time in ���nothing to fear’, an’ jon talks to him in an odd manner. almost like a teacher would speak with a student. bruce’s slightly shameful an’ vulnerable expression is everything in that scene, esp when jon stands on the upper row of stairs looking at him. the tides shift later on, naturally. but even as a kid, it was fun to see batman being kinda humbled by some short, weird guy in a potato sack. 

like, jon is so funnily rude an’ ‘argh’ through the whole ep, it’s hard not to cherish, that batman had to put up with it. the way jonathan abused his henchmen is also smth else. he literally re-broke the dude's nose, while calling him names lol. i just wish, that besides ‘lock up’, we had managed to see other sides of him, which clearly existed. love him being a rude ass almost all the time too tho, bc it suits him. an’ it’s a fun difference compared to comic crane, whose spitefulness is usually more emotionally loaded an’ childish. btas crane feels like a proper antisocial sociopath, than anythin’. but like any good sociopath, he has that one person, who he fancy *even if in a strange fashion*. so, batman has a chance to see it all, once he gets past the cold shoulder phase. 

in their case *btas universe*, i picture that jon’s wary ‘get out of my way’ fashion in which he deals with bruce, would essentially build up into proper obsession, where terrifying him is less of a curious experiment an’ method of eliminating him, but also like….he legit wanna know what batman fears. what he sees. how jon affects him an' if it affects his every-day life. fights with him getting more personal an' more crucial.

from that bit, i was wondering what jonathan might have thought about times, when batman hung out with justice league. an’ if there was a villain, who he would feel envious of. an’ idk, doctor destiny came to mind. he’s not like fear-themed villain even per say, but he can control dreams, which is scary in itself. so jon *naturally for him* assuming that dr. destiny went after batman’s fears an’ gave him nightmares. which would instantly make him possessive an’ jealous lol. it’s his an’ bat’s thing! it fully escapes crane, that batman…doesn't ever prefer whatever villain he's fighting. not in way, where he thinks that he bonds with them over being tormented lol. i mean, he kinda does it with jonathan to a degree, but he'd rather they did it in more normal way.

regardless, bruce will have to tell him, that nope, like dr. destiny totally sucks compared to the scarecrow. mostly bc if he won’t, jon might make so, that dr. destiny won’t breathe air ever again lol.)

[is-the-owl-video-cute]

Would love for there to be some nuance with the HP thing. "Every HP fan is an antisemitic terf" are you for real? I, and a lot of other people, grew up with Harry Potter. It was the first time that reading really sucked me in. I got a story of an "other" that found a place to belong, and in the same way, I got a community of fans that felt the same way. Now everyone who was a fan is being told to throw away that history. You can't even pretend that you liked it once.

And now I struggle. JKR is an abhorrent human being. She constantly doubles down on her bigotry, and is proud of it. I don't read any of her shitty detective novels, I'm not on Pottermore, I never got Hogwarts Legacy, even though all I wanted for years was an open world game in that universe. JKR will not see a dime of my money, nor will I involve myself in any way with anything new she does.

This whole thing has tainted so much of my childhood. I remember staying up late reading. Going to school, talking about the books with my friends who also stayed up late reading. Those were great times in my life. Now, whenever I reminisce, Tumblr is there in the back of my mind telling me how bigoted I am. How much of a TERF that I am. It's depressing.

Oh cry me an ocean about how you feel guilty that people don’t like you indulging in a piece of media that is actively used as a means to harm marginalized people in the real world. Are you actually going to come here and act as though you having social pressure to not put your Hogwarts house in your bio is anything compared to what trans people have to deal with from the author? Especially trans women in the UK. What’s depressing is you drowning in self pity about woe is you because people aren’t super stoked that you knowingly engage in something written by someone who is even now harming vulnerable people?

The thing about growing up is sometimes you have to actually grow up and stop taking things as a personal attack. If you grew up playing a video game and loving it and then it turned out the mind behind it and primary profiteer as such was actively a grand wizard of the KKK and you look back to the games and see ominous parallels between that deep hatred for marginalized people in the games themselves, I would not respect you for continuing to enjoy those games. If your favorite book was written by a serial child predator and you were bemoaning about people reacting coldly to the idea you still greatly enjoy that book, I would not feel sympathy for you. And I will not feel any level of pity for you if you are still in current year finding justifications and excuses to be a Harry Potter fan.

The implication you consider it tainted, not because you were able to reflect on how deep rooted the antisemitic and racist and pro-authoritarian themes are in the story and how easily we all just failed to notice it at the time, but because you are criticized on tumblr for still being a fan is not lost on me here.

[shessofineliterallyhitmewithacar]

south park genderbend hc’s

For names I think as it’s widely accepted Kyle would be Kylee, but it seems like no one’s rly decided on what to call Stan. I hc her name would be Stace, shirt for Stacey like Stan is for Stanley yk?

u cannot convince me that Stace doesn’t dress like a little grunge punk band type little Pinterest board. I’m talking band shirts, loose long sleeve u der tshirts, baggy jeans, smudged eyeliner, black and white converse (except Stace doodles on the white parts), and she definitely rocks the short, shaggy, mullet-y type hair style, like tell me u cannot see her wearing this shit

however Kylee on the other hand, is the opposite side of Pinterest. She wears more of an academia, neat, flowy kinda style. I can just picture her wearing pleated skirts, some nice fairycore kinda flowy shirts, some long flowy skirts and dresses, and 2 plaits hanging by her ears and reaching the middle of her spine (that is if she’s not wearing her hair out and letting her curls flourishe (which is stace’s favourite)). Kylee defo wears no makeup, save curling her lashes and occasionally wearing mascara, however her gf is the opposite, constantly rocking the heavy smoky eye, smudged eyeliner and fading mahogany coloured lipstick.

when they were younger tho, like before highschool I think they just wore basically what they do in the show except with cute lil skirts

While I think mlm style is bi/gay love, I think in the wlw universe they’re just big lesbians, and only for each other

ever since anyone could even remember Stace and Kylee were very much so anti-boys, always laughing and exclaiming ”eww” when the other girls started becoming interested in them. When it got to that stage that the other girls started dating boys, no one was really surprises when the 2 didn’t do the same, they were just Kylee and Stace the same they had always been ( this is mostly just cause I can’t even picture them with anyone else lol)

they definitely go on double dates with Marjorine and Kenny (I can’t decide if I hc Kenny as staying a boy or girl, either way I fucken love kenjorine)

stace and Shelley made a deal with Randy to work in a food truck selling weed cookies and stuff for tegeridy farms at the markets on Saturdays, in exchange for them not having to stay at the farm when it’s meant to be their week for staying at Randy’s (I hc that Sharon and Randy divorced and got split custody but Shelley hates him and Stan just hates being away from everyone one and that’s why they don’t wanna stay at the farm every 2nd week (i actually love Randy in all his dumbassery and don’t think he’d be as abusive he as he’s portrayed in all of those style fics)). Kylee stays at the truck every Saturday, sitting below the counter on the floor cause he’s technically not allowed to be there, sometimes bringing marj and Kenny too.

I hc cartman to be a girl but still go as cartman, her first names now just Erica. She had a little crush on Kylee when they were younger but when she ran into Stace going through one of her depression cycles on a swing set near starks, and let Stace rant abt how her life sucks and she loves Kylee so much it hurts to see her not feel the same (she’s clueless cause Kylee’s literally obsessed with her), cartman kinda realises how perfect they are for eachother and starts scheming to try and get them together. Stace tries to talk to cartman abt the swing set dilemma, but cartman simply says it never happened cause “why would I ever sit through u crying about ur f*ggy crush on the Jew” (she says this with love ofc)

cartman is now dating Wendy tho, after a tension filled fight (that cartman ofc only started “bc goddamn the purple wearing bitch is hot asf when she’s angry”) ended in the two of them aggressively making out in the janitors closet and rutting against eachother. Ofc it took them a month of denial to actually start dating eachother after a final fight ending with confessions of love coming out through rage-filled screams.

I think that’s pretty much all my hc’s for now, let me know if y’all would like to hear more, also sorry for any grammar errors ur girl did nott proofread haha

[saltyr3mix]

i am very curious- STEVEN UNIVERSE AU?

YES YES YES YES YES YES

Hiiii ok, fair warning this won't make sense unless you've seen the show it have a basic understanding of it. This isn't a one to one line up but I'm going to be referencing cannon to help explain things.

SO STEVEN UNIVERSE AU

Basic character run dies for context

Lewis: taking the place of pink diamond/rose quartz. He had more morals than the other diamonds and feel entirely in love with earth and decided he doesn't to keep destroying things. Leader of the crystal gems and faked his death and all that jazz.

Wiatt: somewhat taking the place of Greg? Human that fell in love with lewis and is now helping the gens and recording video tapes about them to study and get a better understanding. Massive dork and gets along well with everyone and does a lot of the peace treaty stuff between them and the rest of the town.

Mike and Alyssa: agian sort of vaguely take pearls place. Lewis hated the concept of pearls and despised having one, so instead the other diamonds gave him a Lapis and a Jasper to protect him. They follow him down to earth and he like could care less about what they do and do they start talking about rebellion and he's like, well that's a best idea sure! Be free!

They are dating and are really good friends with lewis as they fought side by side with him in the war. Them, Eric, and Ridley are the only ones that know that Lewis was a diamond and started the whole war thing. Both are crystal gems and have different, yet complicated relationship's with the humans in the town.

Eric: not taking any particular place. He's a peridot who was working on the ship Lewis and Morning glory flew down in. He is the only brain cell among anyone here. Lewis and morning glory were like, hey we want to be free! And didn't have a single clue how to actually free themselves until Eric came along. He's like sure I'll join your cause couldn't hurt, right?

He makes all of plans and war strategies. He's a lot more behind the scenes than on the field. Except for when he's fused. Eric loves fusing with people he finds it fun and a great bonding activity. It also helps him, not die a lot of the time. When Carly was around they were often seen together and fought as a pair and fusion, ferociously. Eventually Riddley enters the picture and he and Eric fuse more permanently as Ribbon dancer.

Carly: a mix of jasper and bismuth. A carnelian soldier who was one of the more violent of the gens during the war, but also the passionate. She hates being bossed around and the idea of freedom was something she lived for. She often helped Eric with his planning and fighting and saw him as a major mentor figure. He is the only person she respects willingly.

Unfortunately for her, during the war she was unable to be saved from on of the diamonds blasts and became corrupted, left in a bubble for later. And out of the picture for a while.

Riddley: Spinel. If you've seen the movie there not much to explain here. Silly guy who Lewis accidently forgot about because he was kind of busy leading an army and faking his own death. But unlike cannon Spinel. Riddley sucks at following instructions, look me in the eyes and tell me you think that man could stay still for 6000 years.

Anyway, he ends up getting bored and upset and decides to take matters into his own hands. Through a crazy story of hijinks and shannagins that may or may not be true, he ends up on earth, ready to see his best friend!

And lewis is so so so traumatized at this point Ridley comes in a week after the blast and so allll of his army and friends are gone except for mike, Alyssa, and Eric who were the only ones he was able to save on time. Riddley is like it's fineeee man. Chill out. Have some fun! And is just met with the most depressing sobs. Eric eventually does something about it and takes the Spinel aside to try and explain that their all grieving and that it's hard to be happy right now. And poor Riddley does his best to understand but it doesn't quite click for him and he's so unaware of it all. At some point he makes a joke or something tgat's something Carly used to say and Eric experiences every emotion known to man all at once and promptly decides he's just going to be Ridleys baby sitter for the time being. Bonding happens and they fuse and it's just, it's the happiest either of them have been in a long time and they just stay like that unless their needed separately.

WOW THATS A LOT OK-

those are the main guys at least. The ones who call themselves crystal gems at least.

Triplets and twins share a whole story arc and stuff to get there, and Oliver and Damien take even longer to explain because that's when I just started throwing cannon out the window entirely.

Oliver, klein's, minimum wage trio, Andrew, And Hazel/Marissa/broken bots are all humans that live in Dream City, the town beside the crystal gems base

Litho, Sara and Norman are the other diamonds. With Allison, Winnie and Morris as their pearls.

Salt you just said Andrew was a human how is Morris Norman's Pearl? THATS INTENTIONAL AND VERY PLOT IMPORTANT I SWEAR!! BUT THIS POST IS SUPER LONG SO YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO ASK FOR MORE LORE IF YOU WANT IT.

(I have drawings too if anyone wants to see those)

[tricksterlatte]

I've always been fascinated by fandom history, and I know I'm not the only one. It's interesting to see how fans of pop culture can create a culture of their own, and in the modern age of social media and the internet in general, that culture is as widespread as ever. Unfortunately, that also means downsides are becoming bigger as this culture becomes widespread, and it's saddening to watch, maybe even concerning.

I don't discuss these things to be preachy, especially considering how I've fallen into several of these pitfalls before, and have perpetuated some of this behavior in the past. To say otherwise would make me a hypocrite and a liar, and I firmly believe this goes for most people in any fandom. I was just thinking about this recently, and how a lot of the biggest stressors in what should be our stress relief really can be pinned mostly into a few central talking points, which I would love to discuss to know if I'm not just going crazy here

The concept of Big Name Fan has evolved into a position of authority on fandom, which does not fall to anyone regarding subjectivity. No one in a fandom is an authority except the creators themselves, who have every right to stay away from the fandoms they have birthed.

Popularity in general being conflated to intellectual authority as well, especially on websites with public stats, particularly following counts. The algorithm is no benevolent god, but people will sometimes see someone with 30k followers and think they are correct on a minor non-issue that has spiraled into discourse, especially when compared to someone with 30 followers. This also is just...a bummer when fanon evolves into perceived canon, and newcomers to the fandom can't post even innocuous meta or headcanons without it being perceived as morally/intellectually incorrect.

Monetization of fanworks, but especially zines, have led to a hypercompetitive atmosphere that only escalates the bitterness and resentment. This is not a universal problem, but many zines across all fandoms habitually accept the same artists and writers, or diminish the value of fanfic due to the limitations of physical printing. The application process has devolved into such a disheartening debacle for a majority of people I see, and the way it is often framed as "your work just wasn't good enough" when it's really about what the mods deem mass marketable will destroy just about anyone's self-esteem after repetitive rejections, and will give some frequent zine runners a false sense of final say over the community (not usually, but it can happen).

The level of distrust for anyone new attempting to start a fan project is just so depressing nowadays (and this one we sadly can blame on a few people by name, but the ones who have sent this issue spiraling still don't care and that just sucks. I feel horrible for everyone who has been tricked).

Somehow comment and anonymous asks have gone backwards from "don't feed the trolls" to "suck it up, at least you're getting comments." I have seen some of these comments people have been told to suck up. It's not okay in general. It's particularly gross when it's an anonymous hate message unrelated to the fanworks themselves, perhaps born out of resentment or bearing an ulterior motive. And some will even attack and defame character due to identity. It's not subtle. It's not okay. People should absolutely be dunked on for this, and I gotta say I'm sick of unsolicited concrit being enforced as positive either. If they didn't ask, don't give it. There's a reason a lot of fic writers some people adore suddenly go ghost, and they can't even talk about it.

Don't like, don't read has been discarded in favor of don't like, tell others don't read and also don't write. Transformative works don't have to fit into a canon or even in character mold. That's why they're transformative! It's a different type of artistic expression. If you don't like it, chances are good it simply wasn't meant for you. It's not bad. Don't shame others, god especially not for non-issues such as a t/b preference or a different gender hc, preferred haircuts, types of animal you imagine them as in another lifetime, I could list literally anything here and I bet there has been a fandom fight over it.

Exclusive yet publicly advertised community Discords that will bar you from invite if you're not one of the cool kids. I have unfortunately fallen into this trap before, and refuse to ever enable or endorse that behavior ever again. This isn't about friend groups either, it's about fandom-dedicated servers that flaunt themselves as a VIP club instead of what they are: a friend group. I also don't even know how to broach the subject of private accounts that turn into fandom tea accounts with dozens if not hundreds of followers, only for people to be angry if someone isn't exactly okay with horrific stuff being said in general, let alone about their mutuals or friends.

I know none of this will likely ever change, and tbh i'm so tired of it all, but...does anyone else know what I mean? I'm stressed out whenever I try to enjoy myself, because popularity and a strange business mindset is steadily taking over fandom spaces. I'm not saying people should stop trying to make stuff that sells, or that people universally do any of this, but fandom is evolving into a thing I'm not sure is good. idk anymore

[ash5monster01]

Truths of Our Past Part 5

Pairing: Older!Charlie Dalton x FemReader

Warnings: 18+, smut, mentions of nudity, mentions of suicide, depression, depressing thoughts, past trauma, facing trauma, romance, understanding, fluff.

Summary: You had met Charlie in University, were married shortly after, and had become accustomed to a beautiful life together. When you receive a wedding invitation to one of Charlie’s previous classmates weddings you discover that Charlie had a dark past, one he had been trying to forget. In the midst of it all you try to help him through it while finding out that he’s not the guy you thought you married at all. Maybe he’s even better.

word count: 2.7k

Part 4 ←→ Part 6

Masterlist

10/7/69

Day 5/8

Getting to know more about Charlie’s past had been wonderful. Obviously he was still reserved about some things but you could tell that confiding in you had been healing for him. Maybe now he could start considering Neil in a happy manor over a sad one. You didn’t want to push it anymore though especially since you all were getting ready for the engagement party tonight. It would be the first time the whole group had been together the whole week during wedding planning. You were actually excited, to dress up and go out with your husband, to just have a good time and not think about all the bad times this place reminded him of.

“How wrong would it be to already start drinking?” you grinned as you joined Chris in her and Knox’s shared room. She giggled as you moved in the room, silk robe fluttering behind you as you popped open a bottle of champagne.

“Not wrong at all, it’s a wedding. It’s what you do” Chris told you and you gave her a confused look.

“You don’t want a drink?” you questioned, probably pouring yourself too large a glass.

“Oh I want to, I just can’t” and then it dawned on you what she had meant. You felt all sorts of emotions rush through you but you quickly settled for the one most appropriate. Excitement.

“Oh my God! Are you serious?” you lunged towards her and she chuckled as you hugged her tightly.

“Yes, and I’m hoping it’s a little girl” she told you and you forced a quick smile on your face, happy but sad all at the same time. Happy because you loved Johnny more than life and you were sure to love this next kiddo just as much, but sad because you so desperately wanted to bring a kiddo of your own into the world.

“A little girl would be wonderful” and you forced a smile even though you were sure it was a little sad. Charlie would love a little girl, you could see the two of them now. He’d be so good to her. Just like he was good to you.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to rub it in. I’d just feel terrible keeping it from you too” she told you softly and you nodded frantically, not wanting her to read too much into your disappointment.

“Oh Chris you’re not rubbing it in. I’m so happy, you have no idea. Just ready for kids of my own too is all” you reassured her and she smiled, pulling you into a hug.

“How about this, you drink for me tonight too. Then you and Charlie can have wild drunk sex and I’ll make Knox sleep with ear plugs” and she had you giggling in an instant and your heart yearned to be near to her. Not just now but all the time. The distance sucked when Chris had become more than just family but your sister.

“I doubt he’d need ear plugs if he hasn’t heard us already” and Chris gasped before scooting closer to you.

“Oh my gosh, tell me everything!” she squealed and you could only laugh before telling her. Gossiping about everything from yesterday morning to the tour of Welton. Girl talk was something that was scarce for you so having this was more than enough.

Soon enough the two of you were ready. Having done each others make up and hair, zipping each other into your dresses, before giggling about your handsome husbands downstairs. They were bound to be awestruck by your appearances and you both couldn’t wait to spend the nights with them. Chris’ mother being a God send keeping Johnny for the night. The four of you shared a car to a local restaurant that had been rented out for the event.

“Y/N Dalton! About time I see you!” Todd said once you were through the door and you were giggling as you accepted a hug from him while saying a soft hello to Ann.

“Todd Anderson, you are handsome as ever. No wonder this beautiful girl said yes” you said and successfully he blushed a deep red, remnants of that shy boy still within him. You were always the best at bringing it out, especially Charlie. Chris always said that was a reason you two were meant to be.

“The others are already at the table waiting for you” Ann said as she accepted you in a hug as well and you couldn’t help but grin as she said this. Your eyes spotted the table, Meeks and Pitts waving cheerfully as you saw them and you giggled instantly.

You let Charlie, Knox, and Chris say their hellos as you rushed over to the two boys. They both stood to greet you and in seconds you were launched into their arms. Hugging them both was slightly awkward due to the height difference but you were so happy to see them all at the same time. “You boys! So handsome. No way you both are single”

“You’re too sweet Y/N” Meeks said, his eyes dropping and ears turning the same shade as his hair. You giggled at his reaction and Pitts could only smile at you.

“I’m happy to announce there is a girl. Kathy. I’m hoping she’s the one” and you were instantly awing at the sweet boy.

“She must be Pittsie. You’re too charming to leave behind” and now he was blushing too.

“See you boys have both managed to steal my wife already” Charlie said as he approached, his hand landing on the small of your back as he greeted them both with a handshake.

“We can’t help it Nuwanda. She flirts with us and we just fold” Meeks countered and Charlie raised his eyebrows at you to which you just shrugged.

“They both owe me a dance, that’s all I have to say” and Charlie was laughing while helping you into your chair at the table. Todd and Ann had left the door in favor for a small table at the head of the room, the two of them whispering and smiling wide as they looked at their guests. You noticed the wedding party had been split up by poets and family and friends. The table opposite of you holding Jeff Anderson, his wife Rachel, Maggie, and both Todd and Ann’s parents. That was when you realized the seventh chair at your table hadn’t yet been filled.

“They look so happy” Chris commented dreamily and your hand shook lightly as you moved to look at the name tag above the empty seat beside you.

Neil Perry

You could’ve sworn you were gonna throw up as you saw it. You tried to lean away, not bring attention to it, but you had been caught and you were also now white as a ghost. You didn’t know how Charlie could handle this. It was a sweet gesture but it was also a reminder. A reminder during the ten year anniversary of his death in the town of his death and Charlie was extremely fragile over it. “We waiting on someone else”

“Uh, no. Not exactly” you stuttered out and Charlie’s eyebrows drew together as he spotted your nervous facade. It wasn’t often you were uneasy. You were more put together than him usually.

“Who is it?” he asked you and when you finally locked your eyes with his you figured he knew. Chris leaned across to grab the name tag you had just abandoned and realization covered her and Knox’s face.

“It’s Neil” Knox whispered and Charlie’s stomach dropped at the confirmation of this fact. The table all experienced different emotions as they all glanced at each other to see how everyone else was feeling.

“I’m gonna get a drink” Charlie forced out, his voice clipped and eyes avoiding everyone else’s. You watched as he stood, his hand buttoning his blazer back together and before you could offer to come Knox was standing too.

“I’ll come with, boys care to join us?” he asked the other two Dead Poets and they nodded before all standing and following each other to the bar.

“I didn’t realize” Chris said as she put the name tag back down, her hand shaking lightly.

“It’s okay, no way we could’ve avoided it all night” you told her and she desperately wanted to scoot into the chair beside you but she couldn’t. It was Neil’s seat, and no matter what after world was out there she had a strong feeling he was sitting in it. He was there with his wide smile and dazzling eyes, lovingly watching his friends grow and grow their families.

“He’s here you know, whether his spirit actually is or the presence of him the boys carry around. I often wonder if he would’ve liked me” Chris told you and you smiled with teary eyes as you looked at the seat. Chuckling you retrieved the bottle of champagne you had smuggled in your purse and poured some in the empty glass in front of Neil’s seat.

“For Neil, you can have Chris’ drink cause she went and got knocked up again” you said to what you hoped was some version of him sitting beside you both. You hoped he would’ve liked you too, that you could’ve formed some alliance with him like you did with all of Charlie’s friends.

“I’d drink to that if I could” Chris said as she grabbed her glass of water and you filled your own empty glass. The two of you reached to clink it with the glass sitting in front of his seat before sharing a smile and drinking together.

“Alright, drinks on me” Knox said to Charlie, patting his back softly as he still shifted nervously. He was trying his best not to cry.

“It’s open bar Knoxious” he tried to say teasingly but all the boys could hear the uneasiness of his voice.

“Alright, here’s the deal Dalton. You’re gonna drink the whiskey I order you and then tell your feelings to the class. That’s how we’re doing things from now on” and Charlie chuckled, it sounding strangled due to holding back so many emotions. Meeks and Pitts finally caught on that Charlie was much worse than them when it came to grieving Neil.

“Better be a strong glass” Charlie told him and Knox smiled as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders, holding him like a brother would while he ordered drinks for all four of them.

“Okay, fess up” Knox said once Charlie had a good few sips in him and he relished in the calming feeling of the alcohol before looking at Knox.

“I’m not so good at the feelings thing” Charlie said and Knox sighed as he leaned against the bar.

“Just tell us Charlie, it really hurts to know you kept how much you were struggling from us” Meeks seriously said and Charlie realized he finally had to confide in his friends. He figured he might’ve sooner if he hadn’t been so quickly ripped away from them. So ten years later was as better time as any.

“I miss him. It hurts like it still just happened yesterday. That seat, it being set aside for him, makes me feel like he will walk through that door at any moment and then remembering all over again that he won’t kills me” Charlie admitted, not looking at anyone in particular before slugging back a sip of his drink.

“I don’t think Todd meant it in any way to be painful” Pitts said, large hand falling on his shoulder and Charlie nodded.

“I know, but I never got over it. So doing things in remembrance of him breaks me. I got to leave, I could pretend he was still alive and back at Welton with you guys. The rest of you faced the truth and we’re able to get used to it, are able to look at that seat and feel love” Charlie said and Meeks quietly sniffled.

“When I realized it was for him I got scared. I’m still so scared that life can hurt us as badly as it did Neil” he admitted and Charlie realized each of them were still grieving over Neil in their own ways.

“I got excited. I forgot for a moment. I thought he was going to come join us and I was excited” Knox said, tears burning at the back of his eyes.

“He did join us. He is always with us. I know it” Pitts told Knox and Knox smiled gratefully at him.

“If he is, Y/N definitely has him drunk by now” Meeks said and they rest of the boys glanced to see sure enough Mrs. Dalton had a smuggled bottle of champagne that she was generously pouring into her and Neil’s glasses.

“They would’ve been good together” Charlie said, trying to picture his oldest friend beside his wife. His most favorite person in the world with his other most favorite person in the world.

“Of course they would, because she is Neil” Knox said with a chuckle and Charlie gave him a confused look.

“What do you mean?” he asked and Knox gave him a dumbfounded look, shocked he hadn’t noticed.

“You wife is exactly like Neil. Energetic, strong, caring, hopeful. The first time we all met her we realized the only reason you fell for her was because she reminded you of Neil” and Charlie thought for a moment. Tried to remember the first time they met, when she sat next to him on that bus even though they had been moving already and he was deep into a book. He vaguely remembered thinking Neil would have no issue interrupting someone like this when he was curious enough to meet them.

Then all at once he realized why he had fallen so quickly, why he hadn’t shared most of his trauma with you. It was because you comforted the part of him that would always long for his best friend. He had found someone else that was so in love with the world and that thought made him smile. You hadn’t replaced Neil, no one ever could, but in a sense he realized he met you for a reason. Maybe it was coincidental, fate, or Neil looking out for his best friend, but he found you when he needed you most.

“Why didn’t any of you say anything before?” Charlie curiously asked and the boys just shrugged.

“We didn’t want to get into your head, in a way it was kind of nice spending time with someone that reminded us of all the good parts Neil was” Meeks told him and now you were looking at the boys, giving them a curious glance as to why they all stared at you and Charlie could only smile back.

“I guess you’re right, she makes me better. Just like Neil did” and for the first time in ten years it didn’t hurt as much to refer to Neil in the past tense. Maybe if was talking his feelings out, maybe if was realizing how much he saw Neil in you, or maybe it was just the extremely strong drink in his hand. Either way he was glad this week had done so much for him, so much for the both of you.

“We better join them, Mrs Dalton looks like she’s already moving onto her third drink and she hasn’t even hit the open bar yet” Pitts chuckled and Charlie just smiled, happy that even though this wasn’t what he imagined his future being like, at least they were all still together. Neil included. He had a seat at the table after all.

“Let her, she deserves to enjoy herself” Charlie told him and the boys went back to the table. Happily greeted by the girls who had missed them even if they were only gone about twenty minutes.

“Everything okay?” you whispered to Charlie once he was by your side, alcohol heavy on your breath. He gave you a genuine smile, something he was extremely proud to do.

“Everything is perfect” he told you and you smiled wide before pressing a kiss to his lips and then turning to the table.

“Who wants champagne?!”

[souji-upseta]

yo my name is nyx, it's my birthday today (2/3). my birthdays have sucked SHIT the past few years for reasons that are depressing—

—cringe is also dead, i killed her myself, and i'm still grieving her loss. its been very hard for me—

—since i am the protagonist of Me and can do st abt this, this year i turn 31, and i will at some point turn 31.4, with all of this in mind, what do i want for my birthday? i'll tell you:

to talk about homestuck.

i'll do that, anyways, but you'd be doing me a gift by giving me a prompt to follow, and to feel slightly more validated in my inability to shut up about my hyperfixation.

so i'm asking YOU to talk about homestuck with me.

talk to me abt homestuck? ask me my headcanons. my thoughts. my relationship to the work. tell me yours. expect nothing that's profound, and plenty that's stupid.

i'm even turning anon on, for the first time in 6 fucking years. where making this happen.

this never expires btw. today is my birthday, but, for story purposes, let's say that it's still my birthday after it isn't, bc i will still want and, if i am honest, NEED you to talk to me about homestuck for years onward. i'm very metatextual like that.

i get the feeling it's going to be a long day.

>Nyx: Be the other guy.

You are now the other guy! What will you do?

>Web Tumblr User: Inbox Tumblr user souji-upseta?

>Mobile App Tumblr User: Do that, but hyperlink is unavailable?

=(n×∞)>

FOURTH WALL BREAK!

you are now nyx again, and i am now me, and i need to exposit some lore.

as in, some starting points to get u going, since "homestuck" is a very broad subject:

•i'm a massive massive slut for the epilogues and post canon content/hsbc. pesterquest is too good for this gay earth.

•dirk is my fav, ALL of the dirks, all of them, and it isn't even close. my fav relationship is the canon platonic/familial one between dirk and dave. i fucking love the striders. dave is my 1.5th fav.

•im more invested in dave's relationship to corndogs (and corn dogs) than you even know.

•mspa reader is my second fav after the striders, bc they are a good thembo friendsimp and also bc they are me and they are You. i might be biased. i love You. i love me. i love us. we're fucking gr8.

•im pretty canon-compliant, so my fav ship is dirkjake as exes (for now), and my fav ship as not-exes is panquadrant (canon) davekat.

i'm also really fascinated by rosemary and would welcome more opportunities to learn abt and talk about them but if homestuck makes a statement about anything it's to let the women and the sapphic characters tell their story (thats a joke, talk to me abt them too)

•june eg(g)bert real.

•i'm fascinated by classpects and the applications of paradox space's classpecting and extended zodiac system when applied to real life, since our only experience of those fictional systems is in linear dimensions of spacetime, and our only experience of astrology is as a species that in-universe cannot experience the sign caste system the same way the fictional aliens that created our species in their own image do. skaia knows, but we sure as fuck don't.

•i'm a former prince of heart (2012-2020) and a current knight of space, and my aspect is light. that is a thing that actually makes perfect sense for the reasons i just said.

don't ask me about vriska serket or (vriska) serket. not bc i'm not willing to discuss dark or problematic characters (hello, lanque bombyx) but bc:

for one, she can speak for her damn self, and has, tyvm.

for two, talking at length about a problematic character in any positive capacity marks you as an enemy of the state if that character is a woman, and being an enemy of the state is way too much fucking pressure for me for reasons i already explained as soon as i told you i'm a knignt of space. i wouldnt make a very good enemy of the state. it'd be an unhealthy blackrom relationship to the detriment of us all.

for three, i can just give you all my opinions/headcanons on vriska that matter:

•JOHN HUGGING VRISKA IN HSBC YESSSSSSSSSS

•she's greasy and gross and unkept af but not unclean or unsanitary, like, she bathes, she smells fine, she changes her clothes, but she's got the troll crust punk aesthetic absolutely on LOCK. she doesn't comb her hair.

•it would have been funny if she did even more bad things

•aradia did nothing wrong. vriska did but the meme is funny even if someone needs to take that meme out back and shoot it for the good of humanity.

•she should beat up ultimate dirk, and my reasoning for that is bc that would, also, be really fucking funny if she did

•john has both punched her in the face and hugged her, and now that john has punched aranea in the face, all that's left is for june—i assume she will have come out of her egg(bert) by then—to hug aranea and complete the circle of stupidity.

•she is trans yeah but she doesn't wanna get into it, she doesn't have to, and neither do i.

•vrisrezi most important relationship in homestuck.

there. you already got me to talk about vriska at length, and you didn't have to try. moot issue.

[paperbag1999]

this girl i befriended in my math class reached out to me asking to hang. and i really wanted to but lately i’ve been so exhausted socially like i’m hanging out with a bunch of new people and they always end up trauma dumping and it turns into a therapy session rather than like getting to know the person. and this other girl i really vibed with in class we hung out and the chemistry just wasn’t there. ALSO this girl knows [redacted] and i didn’t want to talk about him and didn’t want to talk about my feelings for him. so i’m heading to the park getting all upset full of dread feeling so lonely and depressed. tell me why we had the loveliest fucking time we vibed so well there was like no trauma dumping and at one point i laughed so hard i started crying. also [redacted] came up once and it was in a conversation about ipads in university. i was having such a shitty day fixating on how much i’m not enjoying life rn and [redacted] and how upset i am that my summer sucked. and now i’m so happy and smiling life is good and even great sometimes🥰

[arokel]

10 questions for 10 writers

thank you so much for the tag @strangethings-everywhere ! secretly I've always wanted to do one of these

1. Is writing a hobby or a way of life?

Way of life for sure; I'm basically never not thinking about it. I start to feel awful and purposeless if I go too long without writing at least something.

2. A journal full of notes or a clean completed manuscript?

Clean completed manuscript, unfortunately. I wish I could be less persnickety about my first drafts but so far that hasn't happened. I do sometimes make extensive outlines though and those are always by hand, but they're usually pretty clean too :/ no scribbly scribbly for me

3. Who or what inspired your writing?

I've been writing since I was five years old and telling stories since I could talk, so I guess I'll say that when I was first reading chapter books I asked my parents why books always have a few blank pages at the end and they said it was so you had space to continue the story yourself if you wanted. They made it up on the spot and they don't remember saying it at all, but it's always stuck with me.

4. Which is worse: Someone you ‘idolize’ reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Listening to me sing, 100%. I post my barely-edited first drafts on ao3 all the time lmao. But I also feel like with a first draft it's easy to say hey this is a first draft, if there's stuff you don't like I'm happy to hear criticism! Whereas with singing, that's just your voice. You can practice the song but at some point whether they like it or not just comes down to something about you that you can't change. (Although I am a hashtag classically trained singer so my feelings of needing to live up to that might not be universal.) (Don't ask me to sing opera for you because I don't actually like opera.)

5. Has writing from someone else’s POV changed your perspective?

I think most of the perspective changes that have come out of stories have been from reading for me? Like the first time I was really exposed to the idea of transness was a Harry Potter fic (suck on that, JKR) and that obviously really stuck with me. But I think the desire to write from queer povs really helped me come to terms with my own sexuality, maybe more than actually doing it. I guess writing narrative essays, which I do less frequently than straight up fiction, is usually a way for me to explore things I feel about myself and about the world.

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

AO3 foreverrrrrrr. I was on ffn in my misspent youth and Very briefly on lj, but ao3 has been my home since 2014 and it would take a lot to get me to move.

7. AO3 word count? And are you satisfied with it?

646,046, and soon enough it'll jump another 100,000. Honestly not sure how I feel about that.

8. What movie/book gripped you irrevocably?

I will never not love Tamora Pierce's Tortall series. I know they're kind of dated and don't hold up in some places, but they've been in my bloodstream so long that they're basically a part of my understanding of the world. They shaped so much of my ideas on literature - how to create compelling characters and relationships, what makes a world believable, what fantasy even is - and honestly I think they're responsible for about 50% of my sense of humor and at least a quarter of my relationship to gender. They were my first fandom and in the end I'll always come back to them.

9. What’s the highest compliment you could ever be given, and have you been given it?

One of my plays deals with a very difficult emotional subject and is quite frankly pretty depressing the whole way through, and after the premiere a friend of mine came up to me and said "it was so so funny; I was laughing the entire time." That's what I always want my writing to do, not so much in fic but out in the world - I want to give people catharsis, and I hope they leave the reading or viewing experience feeling a little better than they did going in. And also I want people to laugh at my jokes.

10. What defines your writing style?

Can I say inconsistency? No but really it's definitely dialogue. I struggle with descriptive prose sometimes, but I never have to work at dialogue. I think it's my strongest area and people always tell me it's snappy (thank you Tamora Pierce). Other than that uhh... too many commas probably.

tagging @violasmirabiles @fregata-magnificens @kjxlll @borealopelta @uwu-dowoon @teaforarteza @icegreyrose @shadowquill17 @ris-d-deridex and using my 10th tag for anyone else who wants to participate!

[horsetailcurlers2]

back again with my obnoxiously long stream of thoughts while watching greys anatomy for the first time (SEASON 17 bc the show is going downhill but i’ve invested way too much time to give up now)

-i really don’t like watching the covid seasons of tv shows. it just makes me depressed

-i have been getting to the point where idk if the show is worth watching anymore, but i’m going to stick it out and also cut this season some slack

-i like the flashback thing. maybe this is dumb but i’m wondering if some of that was footage they already had before covid happened and they found a way to repurpose it??

-“i’m not okay with you dying, owen” very unrelatable, teddy

-at the risk of sounding like i care for owen hunts well-being, i am BEGGING for him to just be single for once in his life. figure your shit out without having to have a new wife every five minutes. i thought he’d make progress with that therapy thing but at the end of it he was just like “figuring out the root of my trauma made me realize i DO love teddy :D”

-DEREK??????

-i know she’s not dead but this also isn’t the same limbo from the drowning incident so i’m confused

-so are we saying that heaven is canon in the greys anatomy universe??????

-owen has every right to be pissed at teddy, but it sounds like he’s forgetting he also cheated on his first wife lol. not that that makes it okay, i just mean that some of the things he’s saying are beyond hypocritical

-i am the worst person in the world for shitting on a child actor like this but the little girl that plays zola sucks at fake crying

-NO NOT DELUCA

-a death has not upset me this much on this show since mark and lexie

-part of the difference in the writing that i was talking about with the last few seasons is that i feel like they aren’t letting us draw our own conclusions about how we’re supposed to feel about things anymore. like they’re telling us through dialogue exactly what we’re supposed to think and feel about every situation and it’s kind of annoying. or it’s spelling out exactly what each character is feeling all the time instead of showing us. the dialogue is just sort of forced and clunky and after-school-special-y

-i like that there’s been more of a focus on teddy. other than the henry storyline, she’s sort been a bit unexplored until recently

-damn teddy’s life really has just been rife with tragedy

-tell him amelia !! get his ass

-is teddmelia a ship??? i kind of want it to happen

-lexie and deluca would’ve gotten along like a house on fire :(

-the beach is beautiful and the scenes are great but i DO NOT need to be seeing derek’s bare feet and ankles so much

-“i just really need to be crying right now” amelia is so real

-this season is the most upsetting to me i think because it’s the most real. i think that’s why i don’t like covid seasons of shows. other seasons might draw inspo from real world events but in 2020 there was no way to write a show without talking about all the awful tragedy going on so even if they try to infuse hope into all the bleakness there’s no escapism. which i’m not saying is a bad thing at all. like it would’ve been worse to just write the storylines as if nothing was happening in the real world.

-baileys immediate reaction to the guy who thinks covid is fake being to go to the stairwell and just yell “WHAT? WHAT?!” is so real

-i like the idea of jo switching to OB but i think it’s a little ignorant and naive to say it’s because it’s “happier” than surgery. like realistically it’s bc she likes the idea of bringing babies into the world bc she’s been unpacking the way she came into the world and stuff. but saying it’s happier just feels like a way of saying “easier” and i thought we were past the weird elitist attitude a lot of the characters had towards obstetrics and gynecology in the early seasons.

-i’m happy for tom with his activism and his hospital shares

-a semi public proposal and using the kids to pressure her (inadvertently?) does not seem like amelia’s style even if she hadn’t been questioning whether or not she wanted to get married.

-overall a good chunk of this season was alternately too bleak or too boring. i wish we got to know winston a bit more. everyone felt just slightly off kilter. giving it a pass bc covid season. hopefully the next season (and my possible reaction/commentary??? if it’s worth reacting to) will be better

[that-bipolar-mood]

hey, my therapist thinks i might be bipolar and I’m really scared. it makes sense but it’s not something that I had thought about

I don’t know what to do what if I am bipolar??? im so worried that my friends will see me in a different way and I can’t loose them, I need them there all I have. I don’t know anyone that is bipolar and I have no support groups for bipolar disorder near me the closest one is almost 4 hours away. are people really going to see me so differently? Is being bipolar as bad as it sounds? Would meditation help or make it worse? I know nothing and I’m so worried about what’s going to happen. I know nothing about being bipolar. I’m sorry for the rambling I don’t know what to do, I’m just looking for help here.

-Axel

Hey there, sorry for my rambling, and thanks for stopping by.

Basically, I can assure you that all of us who were diagnosed went through something like this.

It's a long process, not gonna lie, but a good way to start is researching this condition. If you like books, fiction, or nonfiction (though I suggest non-fiction first), a quick google search will give you plenty of suggestions. My fav being Kay Redfield Jamieson, p.h.d. There are also movies, some more realistic than others. Probably among the top three is "Touched with Fire".

Anyway, once you get the basics and perhaps come to the conclusion that your therapist was right, you step on the path towards recovery and acceptance. (Not talking about full recovery since bipolar is a chronic condition)

1. You are still you

I know how deeply profoundly sucky the point of view becomes. You might see life through lenses of this illness, even yourself, your interests, and so on. But the cliché is true: your illness doesn't define you.

2. Acceptance isn't linear

Maybe unconventional, but I found that worrying and thinking about bipolar 24/7 made it worse. Some days I'll feel normal, some days I'll curse the day I was born. I'll mourn the losses I suffered from this illness, but I also will remember that there are is light.

3. This illness is dangerous

So many of us underestimated the consequences( of particularly mania). Depression is well known nowadays, but mania is often romanticised, glorified, and brushed aside. Meds, if prescribed, are your weapon.

4. What happened sucks, but...

Reexamine your life, goals, ambitions, needs, and wants. Even though I refused to accept the diagnosis at first, I still forced the evaluation. Because I felt my life was ruined, I, for the first time, realized what was truly important to strive for. Plus, I got rid of many universal bad habits. But it's okay to take time. Please take time, self care and love are priorities.

5. Let others be

This is probably the hardest part. Some people never tell they are bipolar. But having Carrie Fisher for an inspiration made me stop hiding. Either way, some will leave, and some will stay. It's not your job to educate them, to force their narrow views wide, to in any way lose your energy over their ignorance. BUT. Others will actually try to understand. Your friends, I dare say, will want to help, be there, because you are you, and this is just an illness. Be patient and kind with those. Family is trickier, but in the end, they love you. Remember, when someone leaves, it's their loss. However, in the 21st century, people tend to be more open-minded. I never received a negative comment from my peers. When I "came out," people were kind and gentle, even though I expected them to start throwing stuff at me, literally.

I am certain that you will find your own way of dealing with this load. You will grow and evolve, like a beautiful flower, and this will seem easier, with each step down the road. You can find many successful and happy people with this condition. I personally cannot live without mediation, yoga, my dog, my wonderful friends, and yearly Skam rewatches. These keep me grounded, even when I punch my pillow in frustration, because goddamn universe why me.

Finding your way is therapeutic. the internet offers great advice, people gave great lectures, and you can even find podcasts, specifically about bipolar disorder. But in the end, it's just an illness, yes, a giant part of you, but also the unimportant part. Your thoughts, emotions, interests, desires, and more - this is you - and more. and more. infinite. a whole universe. perfect. While bipolar is merely a dot. And if you two are ever in opposition, my bet will always be on you.

If this is remotely close to an answer, I am glad. If not, my dms are open. Or if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to let me know. With Love,

x

[radioactive-dazey]

Currently going down my list of people to ask about OCs because they rbed my OCtober bingo card :3

Tell me of the OCs!

Oh god I got about a million of them. This is going to be long, but I had to infodump. I'm not even sorry.

CW: Suicidal ideologies and similar themes

I was going to talk about some OCs I made for my comic, but seeing as I think they're better suited to be introduced through that, I'll talk about some ocs I made for an abandoned project

You just gave me the opportunity to yap about them and their universe. I will probably never get around to doing anything with them, bc of other projects that take priority. But gosh! If money wasnt a problem, Id talk to a video game company about them!

We gotta start with Melanie.

Melanie is a college student who has had night terrors and sleep paralysis her whole life. She has hallucinations of shadowy creatures watching her from dark corners on the daily. One night she "breaks free" from her sleep paralysis and gets up to face one of the shadow creatures, but it slips away. She follows it and ends up in a hellish dimension, where she meets Candice.

Candice is a ghost, a poltergeist to be exact. She's very sweet, but a little gullible and very excitable. She doesn't remember her life before she came to this dimension, but every so often she gets glimpses into it. Nothing she sees has ever been very good, and it makes her really upset to remember any of it.

Part of the reason she's so trusting is because she doesn't remember who she is. She runs into this shadow demon named Whisp, and becomes incredibly close with her. Eventually Candice started living in this dusty laboratory she found, and she and Whisp stopped hanging out so much. Something about Whisp and the lab owner hating each other....

Candice has a bunch of ghost powers. She can pick up objects and mess with technology. If she feels strong emotions (intense anger for example,) the objects around her start flying around. She feels things very intensely so this tends to happen fairly often.

Candice finds out the lab is owned by Billius, my knock off bill cipher oc (basically after gravity falls ended me and my friend wrote stories of how we thought Bill would act at the end of weirdmaggedon.) Billius is a horribly depressed, angry, ex powerful demon who had all his powers stripped away after he tried to take over the entire hellscape. His punishment is to essentially live out a few millenias without his magic, which really sucks because this entire dimension relies on it to do everything.

The one thing they let him keep was invincibility and immortality. And he's um. Not happy about it, if you catch my drift.

Billius has thrown himself into studying "Earth magic." That is to say, science. His studies range from chemistry to computer science, but seeing as he has to rely on heavily outdated material (that, and he's not very good at following instructions) he tends to mess up a lot.

He doesn't like Candice very much. He finds her incredibly annoying. Ghosts aren't a common species in this dimension (not in his part of it, anyway), so for his entire existence he had no idea they were real. That is, until about a decade ago, his technology started going haywire and lab equipment started floating in the air. Billius thought he was going crazy and talked to his partner Argus about it. She broke the news his lab was being haunted, which he promptly laughed in her face over... Candice quickly introduced herself after.

Argus is a "political figure" in this world. I use the term political figure loosely. They're what people on Earth would call an angel, but she's very much a demon based on this universe's standards. They're one of the powerful beings that stripped Billius of his powers, and thought ":) wow. He's kind of pathetic. I like that in a guy" and they started to get to know each other while he was doing community service. She keeps Billius on the right track, and basically sprays him with water like a cat whenever he starts doing "bad things" again.

Gonna circle back. Candice and Billius had a one sided friendship for the longest time. Once Billius found out ghosts existed, he changed his studies to ghost biology. Candice became his lab rat, and he began running tests on her to figure out "how she works."

These tests were incredibly painful but Candice went along with it, because she fully trusted Billius. It wasn't until Argus + another oc (whom I will not be talking about as he's not my own oc, but in fact my friends oc) called him out on his bullshit, that Candice realized "friends don't hurt friends"

Candice exploded. Argus, Billius, and the unnamed oc got to witness the full extent of her powers, and after they calmed her down (and cleaned up the lab) Billius swore to her he'd stop using her as a lab rat. Candice was distant with him for the longest time after, but they're okay now! Truely!

Now lets talk about Whisp :]

Whisp is a shadow demon. Their job is to essentially gain power (magic, energy, etc) through fear from other dimensions. They haunt people who are more suseptible to their influences. It's a relatively outdated occupation, but there are a few like Whisp who get some sort of kick out of it.

At one point, Whisp haunted Candice, back when she was a human. She'd whisper (get it??) horrible intrusive thoughts into Candice head. And unfortunately, Candice acted on them. Whisp convinced Candice to commit suicide when she was twenty years old. At that point, Whisp learned she gained far more power by absorbing energy through death, and later found out it didn't just stop at humans. It worked on other demons, too.

Nobody knows Whisp is responsible for Candice's death. Whisp was the very first person Candice came across in this dimension. Candice still trusts her with her full being, not realizing the "familiarity" she feels about Whisp is a huge warning sign.

After Melanie ended up in this hellscape with no way to return home, she's relying on Candice, Billius, Argus, and the unnamed oc to bring her home. And if they gotta go through the 7 layers of hell, so be it

Edit: for people playing the game

Candice: red

Billius: yellow

Argus: pink/purple

Whisp: black

Melanie: orange

[actual-changeling]

no cause people just dont understand the constant internal conflict i have.

i want to do x -> logical, trauma based fear around doing x -> i know why that fear exists and also that it's not actually a universal experience -> convincing my brain that it won't happen again is close to impossible because there's always a chance that it will -> i have to try and figure out how to do the thing scared and alone -> it means having to face deep exhaustion, possible trauma memories, and overall feeling like shit -> i am exhausted after forcing myself to do the thing -> i get sad because constantly being exhausted sucks -> my life sucks -> i remember it shouldn't be like this and that it COULD have been different -> i remember that my parents screwed me up for no fucking reason and now i want to kill myself and have wanted to do so since i was like 3 years old -> i get frustrated because i have been trying and waiting for it to get better for over twenty years -> i slip into a depressive episode -> i work my way out of it

and then you will never guess what happens again: i want to do another fucking thing because life and the ENTIRE thing just happens again, step for step, slightly adjusted for the thing in question.

and this isn't a once a month or once a week kinda thing. it's a "several times a day" deal. so yeah you can imagine the kind of pressure i am under and the best part is that there's a constant voice in my head shit talking me 24/7 and telling me i am ruining my life no matter what i do.

in conclusion if anyone tells me ever again to "try harder" i will rip their fucking throat out with my teeth.

[variousqueerthings]

we did watch end of time last night, and I didn't cry, but also it feels like I ought to, but maybe it's that the story isn't technically finished because there's a coda coming up. but also I feel sad anyway

but just to think about the original epilogue that is the five specials, interesting to think about. I do think that "the next doctor" is the messiest of the bunch, but that's par for the course for christmas specials (and still by far not as messy as some later christmas specials...) however, let's be real, I'm here for the character insights, and this episode eases us into the idea that this doctor will not be with us long, mentions a bit about being alone, and then the doctor has a last christmas dinner, after avoiding it since rose

planet of the dead is an alright episode -- fun general plot, am into the creatures it introduces, and I mentioned before that whatever is happening between christina and the doctor is like an anti-romance (and... not by design, I assume, but it fits in with all of my headcanons, so I'm not complaining here). the main thing here, other than cryptic prophecies, is that the doctor has an offer for a new companion here. and he says "no, because I have a bunch of survivor's guilt, PTSD, and depression, and I wish women would stop suddenly kissing me out of the blue, seriously beginning to freak me out, sure hope that doesn't happen in my next regeneration..." (well, okay, he thinks those things)

mainly those two episodes though, give us a bit of good stuff. people clap and tell the doctor what a good job he's doing, you're like "ok maybe he could keep going like this for awhile and things might get bette-"

and then waters of mars, beloved carrier of The Themes, rtd like, "well you've got two slightly silly episodes to start us off, and we've got a double episode that's very rtd-vibes to finish us off, so lets have a middle episode that is so horrifying on several levels, to really balance us off, yes good." (and it is so fucking good). rtd in the behind-the-scenes talked about how they originally had a whole thing about how yuri and mia being a couple, well were they going to have children, and how would that affect the development of humanity if they were meant to be dead and like... yeah. adelaide knew what was up, but they didn't (maybe they suspected -- what's it like, I wonder, knowing you were really really meant to be dead, and you're living a life that is at odds with time itself...) but we don't have time to get into aaaall of that, the important thing is that the doctor is briefly mad with grief and tries it out against heavyweight (checks notes) The Concept Of Time, and sort of loses and is told it's time to die and responds to it by going-

lol nope. at the beginning of the end of time, the doctor avoids dying by doing a last spot of travelling, and acting like he's having a mental health breakdown and that's fine. and then has to rush to face his death, which as it turns out is (not so shockingly) connected to the master, our favourite weirdo, and they do their whole homoerotic thing where the master hurts the doctor in various ways and ties him up and threatens to kill him and destroys humanity (again), par for the course, except for bringing back the timelords + ofc there's a whooole bit where the doctor's PTSD depression comes to the forefront and he admits that he's terrified of regenerating, but also everything sucks and david tennant is a terrific actor and it's fascinating that rtd brought back doctor who in the way that he did, with a relearning of the wonders of the universe, only to rip it all away again

so you know. get fucked ten, but also it makes sense, there's an Arc, there's Cause and Effect, there's mountains of Sadness. POV you're learning about tragic narrative arcs in the whimsical time travel show after having tuned in for 5ish years since you were 10 (kidding, I watched the animated animal farm when I was five and it made me very curious about why it made me feel so bad and then we chased that concept ever since)

I genuinely cannot remember how I emotionally left things with ten back when there was no proposed special episodes going to happen, but I think if there's any doctor that needs a bit of catharsis, it's that one. and hopefully that'll come with a sense of everything that came next to change the doctor's view on Life this time around. or youknow. more pain. maybe a bit of both

in any case, thank you to the first rtd era, it changed my brain chemistry forever and introduced me to the whimsical time travel show and everything was fine