#depression *jazz hands*

[ganymedesbussy]

WIP: depression *jazz hands*

One of the smaller, but more insidiously terrible things about being a demon was the way that it make you think you deserved it, where ‘it’ meant each and every other terrible thing in your life.

As far as Crowley could tell, it started during the fall — when the ground dropped out beneath you, and the part of your being so central to your identity and sense of self that you didn’t even conceive of it as a part, the knowledge that you were Loved and that you deserved to be Loved, were worthy of it, was ripped out of you with a suddenness more abrupt and than anything you had experienced in your life. That was the central wound around which all demonic traits festered, really: that vast and empty space, the revelation of love and acceptance as things that could be conditional, and the knowledge that whatever those criteria were, you no longer measured up (if you ever had).

For the fallen angels that pulled themselves out of the lakes of boiling sulphur[1], the lessening of external pain only let the internal pain come to the forefront, and as pain as a concept was a relatively new thing, nobody had what you might call healthy coping mechanisms. Some of them lashed out, trying to turn their pain outward, as if by inflicting it onto others they could get rid of it. Some were angry, some were haughty, some curled in on themselves like a boneless ocean creature. Many wept and screamed and pled or demanded to know Why, Mother? Why? and were answered only with celestial silence. Some, more than Heaven would have guessed or that Hell would later admit, tried to help those around them, perhaps hoping that by so doing they could become worthy again, or because of a genuine dislike of suffering, or possibly just out of habit. Crowley had been one of the ones wrapped up in a ball in his own wings, before another demon whose name he never learned came and shook him out of it, healing what injuries they could with dregs of Grace that sparked and sputtered like a hair dryer about to catch fire. He had thanked them, had touched their hands and face in agonized gratitude, and had seen them destroyed at the hands (and teeth, and claws, and blades) of a pack of raging demons they had approached to help.

That had been enough of a lesson for Crowley; he ran, as he had during the actual War, wanting neither to hurt nor to be hurt. If he stayed to the edges of the crowd, he could avoid the more violent of the fallen, but not draw attention by standing alone and vulnerable. And if he found that, when he did eventually run afoul of the captains and lieutenants of the Rebellion and experienced his share of their Wrath, he could hear a voice in his head telling him he was stupid, and foolish, and useless; that he’d gotten too close or too far from where he needed to be, said or done the wrong thing, that the pain he felt now was his own fault, was what he deserved, well. It wasn’t like he could do anything about it, was there?

Over time, the demons settled. The hierarchy of Hell was established, the pain from the boiling sulphur eased, and the odds of being outright murdered significantly lessened. Interactions between demons became less volatile, but after every one the voice told Crowley what he had done wrong, and it was always more than he thought.

Sometimes he used the voice, listened to its advice. If he just said the right things at the right time, was standing in the right place, approached every interaction with the wary distrust of a dog that’s been kicked too many times but hid it so no one knew he was scared — if he listened to the voice telling him not to trust, not to hope, to tell his fellows (and, later, superiors) what he thought they would be willing to hear, he could get along in Hell well enough to survive with only minimal bouts of getting the shit kicked out of him.

[TIME PASSES, CROWLEY FAKES BEING SMART AND CONFIDENT AND ALL THE THINGS HIS VOICE TELLS HIM HE’S NOT]

[IT MEANS HE DOESN’T THINK AZIRAPHALE CAN LOVE HIM THO]

[HE IS A NATURAL OPTIMIST THO BUT SOMETIMES THE VOICE IS LOUD AND WHEN HIS HOPES ARE CRUSHED HE BEATS HIMSELF UP FOR IT A LOT]

[THAT SHOULD HAPPEN NEAR AZIRAPHALE?]

[something about Aziraphale offering comfort as if it doesn’t matter, as if it’s not dangerous]

[something about accepting that because even the veneer of care is so much at that point]

[1] And not all did, never forget. Crowley had often wondered if they were still down there, ever-boiling, or if they’d managed some form of oblivion. More than once he’d gone to stand by the shores of the sulphur lakes, imagining what it would be like to just walk back into them, and found others already there, staring out into blue-white flames. He never spoke to them, and they never spoke to him, but sometimes he wouldn’t see that demon around again, and he’d wonder.

[hunxi-after-hours]

航行太空 心太空 是你在怂恿 / Sailing through outer space, my heart an empty space, it's you pushing me forward 我又一次 又一次 在深夜发疯 / Once more, and once again, I go mad in the deep of night 有人挥手 有行踪 是你在舞动 / There's someone waving, there's a trail to follow, it's you, dancing 我又一次 又一次 溺在洪水中 / Once more, and once again, I drown in the flood

披荆斩棘的哥哥 CALL ME BY FIRE S3 | 家族诞生夜 GALA NIGHT

《太空》 Outer Space

[silverandebony]

oh hey trauma surrounding watching other people eat while you, if you're very lucky, get something approximately equivalent, but more realistically either get something significantly worse or have to provide your own unappetizing food. what's up, i didn't miss you

[astriiformes]

Oh short essay close-reading Dürer’s "Melencolia I" that I am largely by coincidence writing during one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time, we're really in it now

[emily-nightray]

I've been binge rewatching House and I keep imagining Break and Reim in the "I'm not on anti-depressants, I'm on SPEED!" scene. I don't think Break and Reim would be a perfect House and Wilson but I can definitely see it in that scene.

[felikatze]

in case anybody was wondering why eir is gonna be in his forging bonds, i have to step up as the sole noah fan

This Cav Has Depression (jazz hands)

bonus: noah & fir momence

[wercobubblvs]

When you have so so so much ideas and plans but you have neither the skill nor energy to put em to work

[denialcity]

Animatics i wanna make; hsrm + bo burnham's all time low

[flipit-turnways]

i love musical theatre. but my god am i exhausted. and yet we have showcase tmrw and a whole ass competition on saturday....

if i crash out dw about me

[ctrl-alt-deleting-yr-face]

mm yes

my three emotions

sadness

deranged, obsessive sadness

“yeah i feel numb but damn i love this one thing”

[cappurrccino]

daydreaming once again about having a life I will never actually have (being able to afford a nice big apartment on my own)

[ganymedesbussy]

fuck it, I'm gonna turn this sideblog into my WIPs corner. Every WIP gets a post. Some things are just gonna be story ideas, some are gonna be partially written, some things are gonna ramble on or end mid-sentence because that's what I've got for notes. Use the tags below to find particular categories, but be aware I'm not tagging for content or triggers until/unless things go on ao3

[cassandralexxx]

talking about death

-this doesn’t have any structure and is more stream of thought but talking about irl death so like tw or whatever Yknow when I was first talking with my mom about it I was way more composed/neutral about the person that was dying yesterday. (Context I am a member of a volunteer organization that gives company to people during their final 72 hours). Like I was like oh this one is not effecting me as much bc they didn’t pass while I was there. But now that I’m thinking about it the emotional toll is a bit delayed. I wrote about the last time I had a shift and how the person passed before I even entered the room as I was standing outside the door. And that had me messed like I walked home in a state of shock akin only to my freshman year of hs. But yesterday I left the room and they were still alive and partially verbal. I stayed 15 minutes past end of my shift so that my replacement would come and they wouldn’t be alone for any moment. And now realizing that they have most likely passed makes me sad. For most of my shift I let them rest in silence bc they were tired and in pain but we made some small talk, and I held their hand. My hand over theirs, listening to jazz together.

idk it makes me extra sad bc the person was someone from a unit I usually volunteer in for a different hospital org so like I’ve seen them multiple times yknow. I dont think I ever actually spoke with them in previous week but still. even though it was hard for them to talk (so like I’d only ask like questions that have one syllable answers yknow) they were still a bit clever and idk alive. Cracking a joke a little playful. death makes people uncomfortable and it can be difficult to confront the reality that someone that was alive no longer is. To hold someone’s hand and know that they probably won’t have made it till the next morning.

idk yesterday I wasn’t sad yet. I was that layer of shock that doesn’t feel like anything has happened. Today I feel it.

I’ll remember you.

[the-hwaelweg]

Walgreens shat the bed so thoroughly I rage quit them and transferred my prescriptions to Cub Pharmacy. However at that point I was totally out of pills, so since Saturday I've been once again raw-dogging life without antidepressants while I wait for them to get shipped to Cub (because of course none of the "usual" antidepressants pharmacies keep on hand work on me), so if you need me, I'll be rewatching GBBO yet again and pretending to work.

[liesonthefloordramatically]

Bummerland, here I am Better nix my summer plans Bummerland, give a cheer 'Cause you're only going up from here

[chaoticwriting]

THE FATHER

A tall man is walking down a hallway, slowly turning on the lights as he knocks on the door to the rooms along the hallway. Rustles can be heard from each room as Danny moves from room to room. After all rooms have been knocked on, Danny goes down the stairs and goes to the dining room.

He sees the Lunch Lady moving out a whole stack of plates, arranging them on the tables. Danny offers to help but Lunch Lady refuses his offer and he just nods and gives a smile. He sits at the head table as he watches food being placed one by one by her. Soon, children enter the dining room and take their seats waiting until all of the seats is filled.

Children: Thank you for the food!

All the children eat happily while chatting with each other. Danny also eats his food as he is reminiscing about his childhood.

When all the kids finished their food, a woman with green hair enters the room holding a purse.

Kitty: Alright kids, time to go to school. Uncle Johnny is already waiting outside.

The kids reply with yes and cheers as they quickly wash their hands. All of them take their lunch boxes from the top counter and give Danny a hug.

Children: Bye, dad.

Danny: Goodbye, kids. Behaved well at schools and remember to call for me if any of you need help.

Children: Yeeess!

As they reply, Kitty rushes them off outside as they are a little late for school. Danny sends a few blob ghosts after them in case Kitty and Johnny need help sending or watching the kids. After all they are only 2 people compared to the 2 dozen kids they're sending to schools.

Danny goes to his study as Wulf opens a portal and places his paperwork on his table. Danny gives a silent thank you as he busy himself while waiting for the kids to come home.

-6 months ago-

Danny arrives in Gotham after he makes the decision to stay here. After Vlad is healed from his mania courtesy of Jazz and Frostbite, he falls into minor depression at the thought of almost killing his best friend and making his godson go through all those horrible experiences. As a form of repentance, he gives Danny his company as he fully dedicated himself to improving Amity Park and serving the people. He also helps to lobby against the anti ecto act with his few connections. Add in the testimony from Maddie and Jack, the leading scientists in the ectoplasm field.

The act is immediately removed after it is made public and the US government receives a major blow from the feedback. All the personnel that are related to GIW are also captured under the order of the United Nation and the Justice League.

Danny also puts down his mantle as Phantom after the act is removed because by that point, team Phantom can even deal with an Ancient by how liminal some of them are. They are so liminal that they are almost a halfa by this point. They also gained their own powers recently like Sam has Phytokinesis and healing power, Tucker gains Technomancy and Psammokinesis, Val has superhuman physique and can fly and Jazz is now a very powerful psychic. Their combined efforts easily fend off Vortex and Overgrowth last time. Add in that Vlad also helps sometimes, Amity Park is pretty much safe.

So Danny after getting nagged persuaded by Jazz about going to college, decides to further his study into engineering at Gotham. Why? Because not only does Gotham have a high concentration of ectoplasm in their air (not as high as Amity but pretty high compared to any other places except Bludhaven), but it is also because he gained a scholarship there.

Vladco also getting changed in leadership with Danny being the new CEO, giving Tucker and Sam their own position and many top positions to people he knows. Why would he do that someone might ask? Because it is easier to do his work and also college at the same time with his power. Such as learning how to clone himself courtesy of Vlad and opening portal with Wulf's help.

There are also other heroes in the area so he doesn't need to worry about protecting the people in Gotham. Except that's not what happened.

When Danny first arrived at one of the mansions Vlad had bought in Gotham, the place was practically empty. It was cleaned and neat and all but no one was in there. After moving everything in, Danny decides to take a walk outside to take a view of his surroundings.

When Danny arrived at the less unfortunate parts of Gotham, he saw a lot of homeless kids running around. Kids, not teenagers. Danny in his goodwill and screaming core offers the kids to give them shelter. Maybe it is because kids are more sensitive to supernatural elements but it almost seems like they understand him conveying his emotions.

The kids decided to trust him and follow him home and Danny called in Lunch Lady to prepare a meal for them. Lunch Lady, the ever amazing cook, made some fabulous meals for all the kids including Danny as they ate happily.

Danny can see the distrust in their eyes so he didn't insist on them staying until the next morning. He even left the doors and windows unlocked just in case any of them wished to leave early.

He was pleasantly surprised when he saw all the kids in their shared room by morning. He offered to take them in and although the kids were very wary of him, they decided to give him some trust.

And after that, it is pretty much smooth sailing. One after another more and more kids enter the mansion. It's not that Danny goes out to pick them, it is the kids that go out of their way to invite other kids when given permission by Danny.

As for money, it is pretty easy to convert all the items that he stole got from Pariah Dark's haunt. With his multi billion company, he has a lot of power in his hand. Both figuratively and literally. He also sets up a legal foster care center so that he can take in kids easier and get funds legally.

Overall, there are 2 dozen kids that are registered residents of his mansion while there are around 100 more that are not registered either because they technically already have a guardian/parents or they wish to remain unrecorded for some reason.

Unknown to Danny, his reputation has been rising frighteningly fast these past few months. From his kind persona, his amazingly genius intellect and all his charity all the way to how good looking he is, it makes the public go wild on him.

Of course there are some haters that will try to bring down his efforts but those voices are often drowned by thousands of other voices who uplift him.

Of course that is mainly because all of his interactions with people so far have been positive interactions.

That is until the incident happens

-Present Time-

Danny is finishing his homework today as the kids decide to do a little outing to play at the arcade. Danny gives them some money *cough 1000$ cough* and let them go on their own after they beg to not have any adult supervision. Danny knows that is a bad idea but he can't say no to all those cute puppy eyes.

Suddenly, a notification enters his phone. A livestream from Joker's official website (that somehow hasn't been taken down). Danny has a bad feeling about it and opens the livestream to see Joker on live screen laughing as he monologues about his ideals or something.

What really catches his attention is the background of the room. Isn't that the arcade? Shit shit shit shit shit. His kids are there. His kids! HIS KIDS! Danny swears that if his kids are hurt in any way, Joker might need to say his last goodbye even if Batman and his whole spendex army are there. No one hurts his kids and gets away with it. Ask the guy that bullies Ellie when she travels around the world. Well you can't cause the guy is with Dan and no one gets away from Dan.

Danny takes his cane as he goes to his car. This is not any other car. This is a Fenton Car. Turning on the engine sounds like a bomb is going off in his car at the moment. Danny flicks a few switches and the car suddenly changes from the usual sleek black to a white and black with green neon lights coming from some sides.

His father and mother go crazy when they know he is Phantom. Not in the bad way, but in a good way. They apologize heavily but after Danny gets a little uncomfortable with them being so somber around him, he offers to help them build some ghost machines that can help them deal with ghosts without actually hurting them. His parents are ecstatic. This car is also one of the reasons his parents ask him to pursue engineering since he is very good at it. Like super good.

This car is his pet project and so far he hasn't been able to use most of its functions except some space expansion. Well Danny can't say he is excited to try them now since his kids are in danger and he really doesn't care about it anymore.

The black and white car suddenly turns invisible and intangible as Danny flicks on the last few switches and Danny speeds away in his car. 3 seconds. That's how fast he arrives at his destination with the car. When he stops, he flicks off the switches and all the functions are turned off. The polices at the barricade are startled when a car suddenly appears as some of them switch side to point their gun at him.

Danny comes out of the car with a very serious face. No smiles or laughter in his face whatsoever. Danny walks towards the barricade and as he walks, the police officers try to stop him but he just turns intangible and walks through them. When he finally passes the last barricade, a white ring of light appears around him blinding all the onlookers. When they open their eyes, Danny doesn't look like Danny anymore.

The previous Danny had neat black hair, ocean blue eyes, black suit with black ties and a pair of white gloves. Danny now looks like the complete opposite. White wavy hair, toxic green eyes, white tie and suit with black undershirt and a pair of black gloves. Even his cane changes from the woody exterior to a crystal ice sword.

He slowly walks into the area and Joker's goons start shooting at Danny as they think he is just a guy with a weird suit. Oh boy are they wrong.

As soon as the bullets reach a centimeter before Danny, they stop as if space itself prohibits them from moving. The goons become more nervous as any and all types of weapons from bullets, to knives to even grenades, none of them can touch him. The grenades don't even explode after getting stopped by him.

All the goons continue shooting as Danny walks closer slowly when suddenly multiple clicks sound at the same time. The goons realize that they may have spent all their bullets and none of them can touch him so far.

Some of the goons in defiance rush towards Danny with knives in their hand. Danny easily takes them down by swatting them with his ice sword/cane. One by one, all the goons fall to the ground. None of them are unconscious but none of them are able to move. It's like they are paralyzed.

Suddenly, the bullets and grenades that they release earlier start to move. They turn and move and the goons watch in horror as each bullet faces towards them. Danny can hear the police officers screaming about stuff but he honestly doesn't care. Danny releases all the bullets and screams can be heard throughout the alley. None of the goons die, Danny makes sure that death doesn't come easy for them, but if they are left like this for too long, even the deities can't save them.

Danny leaves the alley and walks further inside towards the place where Danny senses his kids are at. Unfortunately, they seem to be separated but that is a given since there are 2 dozen of them. Danny makes clones of himself and sends them to retrieve the kids as fast as possible. The clones turn invisible and fly through the building towards the one with the Joker inside. There is one more of his kids inside and since the Joker is there, he might as well give him a visit.

Danny arrives inside the building sensing his kids are on the 3rd floor. He flies up there and sees the Joker standing in front of the camera, still monologuing while his goons are holding the hostages at gunpoint. He sees his 8 year old daughter trembling while being hugged by his 10 year old son who is putting up a brave face for his little sister.

To say he is angry is an understatement. He is furious. He is livid. How dare they! How dare they touch my sweet children! They will die! ALL OF THEM WILL DIE!

The hostages suddenly panic when their visions turn black for a moment before they hear screams and multiple thud falling on the ground. When their visions return, all they can see is a man in white suit holding an ice cane slowly comforting 2 children.

"You will be fine, my children."

"I am here."

"No one will hurt you."

He repeats as the children cry into his arms and they hug for a long time. The other hostages look around them to see the Joker, standing still like he is chained by something and bloods on the ground without any bodies in sight.

The man lifts his children up and brings them outside the room and just as the hostages are about to follow suit, the man comes back inside but this time without the children.

Danny: Go out. I have cleared the way.

The hostages hesitantly go out of the room and when they see no one is outside, they rush out of the room and return back to the street where they see police officers taking the other hostages from other buildings to safety.

Danny meanwhile is left alone with the Joker in the room. Danny stares at Joker's eyes as he peers into his soul. A rotten one this is. Danny steps in front of the Joker and snaps his finger. Joker releases a deep huff, as if his breath is being held while he is just standing there.

Danny looks at the Joker and holds out his arm to the side. A chair comes flying to him as if being pulled by a rope. Danny puts the chair down and pushes the Joker to sit on it.

Danny: Hello Joker. Usually people say it is nice to meet you but unfortunately our circumstances are not very pleasant.

Danny stops as he makes a stool out of ice and sits on it.

Danny: Now, Joker. Or should I call you Jack? Jack Napier? Or is it Jack Oswald White? It doesn't matter. Now, Jack. Do you know why I'm here?

Danny stalls as he could see the confusion and horror in Jack's eyes.

Danny: I shall assume you don't. You, Jack, have done great harm to my children. I admit. I'm not the old vigilante anymore. I don't protect people and go around punching bad guys. Do you want to know why? Because I have children now. I have a family to take care of. So I don't actually care about what you wish to do. Even if you burn Gotham to the ground, as long as my children are fine, I will not care. But it seems fate decides to get rid of either of us today. So here is what's gonna happen. One, I kill you right here right now.

As Danny says that he points his cane at Jack's chest.

Danny: Or you could experience all the pain and suffering you have inflicted on all your victims right here right now. If you choose the later option, I will release you after you finish your punishment. And we will go our merry way as long as you don't cross paths with me anymore. I will give you 10 seconds to decide.

Danny says as he lowers his cane. He stands up and walks around the Joker. He stomps his cane on the ground every time a single second has passed and as the tenth stomps sound, a voice replies to Danny

Jack: The second one.

Danny: I see.

Danny then walks in front of the Joker and raises his finger. A beam of green light enters his forehead from Danny's finger and Joker's head falls down.

Danny then walks back to his stool as he waits for it to happen.

Screams. Screams that are more horrifying the longer it lasts. Jack's screams sound like something only an eldritch can emit. Danny watches calmly as all of this happens. He waits and waits when suddenly, Jack stops. He stops and releases a big laughter.

Jack: hahahaHaHaHaHaHaHAHAHA...... I did it. I survived. Ahahahahaha.

Danny: Indeed. Congratulations on surviving Jack. And as promised I will let you go.

Jack can feel the restraints that Danny casts on him disappears like it is never there. Jack decides to run towards the door and stays away from this weirdo. If not for the fact that Jack is scared this guy will kill him, he would have fallen unconscious already.

Except the door is locked. He turns to look at Danny warily expecting him to turn back on his words or something.

What he doesn't expect is that Danny is no longer there. What replaced him are multiple ghostly figures that are slowly walking towards him. Jack turns as he bangs on the door. From begging to angry cussing, nothing can help him anymore. All of Jack's victims have come to pay him a visit. And this time, they will bring him with them.

Danny watches as Jack's body falls limp on the ground from the punishment. The last thing Jack saw is actually a hallucination. Something he makes to give Jack the maximum despair he can feel.

Danny releases the restraint on Jack's body as his body falls limp on the chair. He looks around the room and sees a peculiar device with a red light coming from it.

Shit. All of it is recorded isn't it?

Part 2