#depressingpost

[littletealight]

Wits end with Money

Wits end with Money

So this is a continuation of something from the last post. I may talked about it before how I am currently living with my roommate and have been scrambling around for a job and even applying for SSI which would literally just be rent and saving up for a car because where I live is not walking friendly. Well my roommate is currently going nuts with spending, like to the point of one cc getting…

[fabaceous]

so like does it feel awful forever or does it get better

[cloudyclaudia]

April 23, 2021 Day 1

It’s my first day of journaling. 

I'm doing this in hopes of feeling better. Maybe writing my thoughts down on a page will help make me and my mind be less cloudy. Technically its typing but its all the same to me. 

Anyways its been rough. 

There is so much to say and at the same time nothing at all to say about what I am going through. I don't like talking about my depression much especially to others who don't relate to my problems. My problems to others may seem minor but if it has taken complete control of my life than I believe its not as minor as others think. Maybe I care too much about what others think and that is why I don't open up? who fucking knows, I sure as hell don't.

 I feel lost. Like I don't belong here. This isn't my first time feeling like this nor will it be my last, Ive felt this way my entire life. I don't know what I am doing, I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I wanna go. All I know is that I have no motivation to do anything, to be anything. I don't feel anything. Emotionless.Numb.Lost. And just when I think I know what I want to do I end up scaring myself from doing whatever it is I do want to do and then I don't wanna do it anymore. Fear. I feel like I've been holding myself back from a great life because of fear. But what the fuck am I so afraid of? success? or failure? I have to stop the fear, but how? I want to be fearless. Once I become fearless I know I will be able to accomplish amazing things in this universe. 

I feel sick. Sick of constantly letting myself down, but I can't stop doing it. I can't stop disappointing myself. I want to be the healthy, successful, organized and happy disciplined person I imagine myself to be but instead I am constantly skipping meals, emotionally eating, laying down in bed all day not moving an inch except for my thumbs gliding across my phone screen. Watching others obtain the life I wish for myself. 

Its insane what depression can do. 

Anger. Im pissed at myself for allowing it to go on for this long. Its been years. Years of not being ok. I am 24 years old and I am just as lost as I felt when I was 19. Time just keeps passing by but I have not changed a thing. Maybe my character is different and maybe I am more self aware than I was at 19. But I still feel 19. I am still lost. Career? Goals? I don't have any. 

Relationships. Oh man is it hard. Once the honeymoon phase is over Im once again numb. Continuously being in the same cycle. My partner now has never really dealt with depression. And because of that a part of me resents him. Its not exactly jealousy because I am not jealous of the life he lives but I am jealous of his view of the world. Its so different from mine. I also resent him because he sees me like this every single day and doesn't say a word about it, he thinks its my normal behavior but its not normal. I shouldn't be spending endless hours in bed trying to distract myself from reality but I do and he doesn't say anything. He doesn't do anything he just lets me live in my own sorrow in my own self loathing and it feels shitty.

 I know he is not responsible for me, I am well aware that I am in control of myself and he isn't and he isn't suppose to make me happy because happiness is a state of mind that only exists within myself but why doesn’t he care enough to want to help me? A part of me wants to compare him to others. Those who look up ways to help with depression in order to help their loved ones overcome it. They care enough, he doesn't and if he does he has a very shitty way of showing it.

I don't feel loved enough.

The other day he said to me “Hey babe, you’re beautiful.” We were laying in bed I was on my phone looking at meditation music. I was actually taken aback by his compliment because it had felt like months since Ive heard one. Crazy.        After I thanked him, he then proceeded to say “Wow, I haven't said that in a long time huh?” to which I nodded. He whispered “Im sorry” and I nodded it off like it was nothing. Maybe I should of spoken up, but I didn't. 

And that's day one in my cloudy thoughts. Maybe ill post a part two tonight maybe ill continue this tomorrow in Day 2. I just hope I don't disappoint myself again and become inconsistent like I do with everything else.

signing off, Claudia.

[subhinure]

Drop a ❤️ if you have experienced a toxic relationship. I want you to know that you’re a fighter for going through all the hurt and still managed to put yourself back together. DMs open for those who want to simple vent. —•— @subhinure —•— — — — — — — — #poetry #toxicrelationships #lovepoemsofinstagram #poets #rhymingpoetry #subhinure #englishpointersofinstagram #writingisliving #girlwhowrites #breakup #quotesofwisdom #poésie #诗 #poetryrise #poetrycontest #nightpoetry #darkpoems #darkwritings #gothicpoetry #depressingpost #brokenheartpoetry (at Montmartre) https://www.instagram.com/p/CTw9ChlK8oq/?utm_medium=tumblr

[periwinklealpaca-blog]

I miss you, girl.. I know you're up in doggy heaven, running around, jumping, and eating all the treats and pizza crust your heart desires.. But nothing and no one can ever replace you. #depressingpost #missingmydog

[imjustoneteenagegirl]

I hate living. Life is just misery

[bringmoreknives]

hm. today......... bad

[girldraki]

i think we are back a tiny bit to depressingposting and i’m sorry about that >_<

[queenkathyhoran]

I hate my life

[littletealight]

Race to the Bottom

Race to the Bottom

So right now I am completely drunk in the most sense with a beer with 5% AVC . I am buzzing right now and honestly I am buzzing in the best ways and the only thing I am craving is gasoline. I know that this sounds crazy but I really crave gasoline, more so benzene. I am craving that sweet fragrance that comes with Sharpie, glue and paint thinner. I love that smell and I know that it is not…

[locked-in-my-mind]

#depressing #depressingpost #damn #never #again #isolated #done #hate #love

[justpunkyy-blog]

#depressingposts #hahahelpme

[d3pressed-posts-blog]

🎶Don't lose yourself just to get discovered. They can't be themselves, yeah they undercover. You don't need a substance to ever find your sustenance~21 sadness~Mike Stud🎶 • • • • #sad #broken #quotes #love #brokenheart #music #lyrics #songs #ex #single #sadquotes #lovequotes #change #brokenheart #depressed #sadthoughts #sadpeople #hurting #hurt #dying #fml #follow #like #brokenhearted #textme #crying #hurtingquotes #ihatemylife #depressingquotes #depressingposts #depressingthoughts https://www.instagram.com/p/BsZnB_9gnnh/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1k9qou746loae

[kubekbk]

. . . . #throwback #throwbacktuesday #fuckthursdays #rainyday #droplets #raindrops #deszcz #krople #wet #mokro #tram #tramwaj #warszawa #phonephoto #unedited #nofilternecessary #phonecamera #amateurphotography #commute #window #okno #ztm #instarain #pictureoftheday #summertimesadness #depressingpost #lmao #forrealtho (w: Warsaw, Poland)

[girldraki]

sorry for moving back into depressingposting lately we just. sure do have a medical situation

[trbnman1998]

Always there #tailopez #hereinmygarage #lamborghini #knowledge #depressingpost