#demo engie and spy are all rich

[zarla-s]

I saw this post about how Engie was probably born into generational wealth and I can't stop thinking about it.

[patreon]

[rayclubs]

Mahlzeit,

ok since I´m a firm believer that every merc is a perfect combination of smart and stupid, I feel comfortable saying that everyone is wrong about engineer.

like no he isn´t the only one who would be capacle of realising the benefits of a union. he´s very much unable to see it because he definetely gets too tunnelvisioned as soon as his work is involved and everything not directly linked to his tasks is unnecessary.

Malzheit!

Okay, real, but do you want a TF2 political affiliations post? Because that's how you get a TF2 political affiliations post.

Scout:

The most susceptible to propaganda after maybe Soldier.

Cares about celebrities way too much and therefore is unable to recognize the utmost necessity of taxing the rich.

Probably believes in the American Dream or something.

Would not start a labor union but would join one because while dumb as a baseball, he at least understands that his ma worked really hard to support him and his gajillion brothers growing up, and that's kinda unfair and all that. Or something.

Soldier:

Can be convinced to do anything. Seems to have political affiliations, what with his anti-communist shtick, but really it's just whatever. If you sit him down and explain the actual communist ideas and how what he's actually against is dictatorship, he'll listen to you. Might take some time, but he will.

Would not start a union but would assassinate the president.

Pyro:

Mmmph?

I don't even know. Anarcho-transhumanism.

*lights self on fire and fights the cops*

Engie:

Okay I have THOUGHTS

He is a bit of a utilitarian, I think. What with him solving practical problems and all.

Graduated into the upper middle class and can't see past that because his mind is 99% the digits of Pi and all that.

Hasn't voted once in his life.

Probably actually has some misguided beliefs about labor exploitation due to being American. Like Pauling, has one vacation a year and leaves his phone on in case someone needs to reach him in an urgent work matter.

People bring up his hand as if it were the result of an OSHA violation, but like. No. He did that. He did done cut it off himself. It doesn't count.

Everything he builds is an OSHA violation.

Heavy:

Was a pioneer. You know, that Soviet thing? Kinda like an American boy scout, but with more propaganda. He got better though.

He'd be a bit wary of unions but I think he's educated enough to recognize the difference. It's just a subconscious bias, is all.

He wouldn't start a union because, while educated, he's not diplomatic. Much like Engineer "I'll break you in half" TF2, he's more used to killing the authorities than to legally opposing them.

Also his father was a revolutionary. And died for it. So yeah. Maybe he wouldn't be quite so eager to follow in his footsteps.

Demo:

I actually don't know much about labor unions in Scotland but I think Demo would be a union man.

Like. His father killed the queen for a nickel. I think the man knows enough about oppression and workers' rights to be angry about that.

Explode the rich.

"But Demo, you are rich!" - "Aye..." *killbinds*

Medic:

Already in a union.

Not politically aligned but LOVES shoplifting.

Sniper:

Individualism on main.

Would not start a union because he hasn't talked to a human being in seventeen years.

You ask him if he wants to start a union and he stares into the void for five minutes before quietly asking "...like ants?"

Can't sign up because he can't write. Why do you think he calls his parents instead of writing letters?

Actually scratch that. Can only write upside down.

Spy:

Supports whatever suits his interests.

A corporate until the labor union is strong enough, then switches sides and becomes an avid proletarian.

Also individualism on main and that's why he and Sniper get along.

Nothing like avoiding your best friend.

I don't even know. None of them would start a union actually. Medic would do it for fun. Demo would do it as a dare. Soldier would do it by accident.

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

Hello! I like your TF2 headcannons alot, what kind of song's do you think they would listen to? I have no idea if this has been asked or if there are canon answers, but I'd really like your take on it if ever! <33

What's Songs Do The TF2 Mercs Like?

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LOVE THIS. Thank you for your ask! This hasn't been requested yet, so I'm so excited to write it. I'm not sure if there's canon music taste and favorite songs either, but we can just ignore the Canon lmao. Also, mutual appreciation! Thanks for being a mutual 💖

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Also, it's totally not based on songs I've listened to or like, not at all. Completely unbiased. I'm going to give their top 3 favorite songs and why those are the top 3! I hope you like this, and I didn't go too far of the original ask 😭

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Demo -

1. Escape (The Piña Colada Song) Rupert Holmes. They find it funny in an endearing way. He likes the idea of love fading only to reconnect. (Does he choose to ignore the fact that they were both trying to cheat)

2. First - Cold World Kids. The second he heard this song, it hit him like a ton of bricks. He just thinks about every relationship he's lost and how unfairly he must have treated people and just ugh.

3. Problems - Mother Mother. He feels like a disgrace to people he cares about and people he loves. He listens to this music to make himself feel worse, but don't worry the other mercs always try and turn him to cheerful music when he's like that, but sometimes he genuinely likes Problems and First just from a liking music perspective.

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Engie -

1. 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton. Engie is the number one Dolly Parton fan. He's head of the fan club. Speak ill of her, and you'll never speak again. He can also just relate so well with a girl boss, because he is a girl boss.

2. Black Betty - Ram Jam. He loves uptempo songs to work to. He finds he works faster with them. I just think he thinks this song is so great for work.

3. Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) - Big & Rich. This man. I wanted to be a cowboy so badly growing up! Let's him feel like a cowboy and just a fun song that he really likes playing. (For a while, he didn't know what the implications were. It was super fun when the other mercs caught him singing it and then having the meaning explained to him.)

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Heavy -

1. You're My Best Friend - Queen. He wants to be everyone's friend so bad! He wants someone to listen to this song and think of him. He just wants to be a good friend above all else. (He is! He just doesn't think so.)

2. Count On Me - Bruno Mars. Much like above, he wants to be a friend. He wants to be seen as dependable and caring. Scared he doesn't come off that way!

3. I'm Still Standing - Elton John. Resilient fighting, man! This is his hype song. It especially helps him after a bad match. It helps him remember that he does a lot to help carry the team and he shouldn't be so hard on himself.

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Medic -

1. Body - Mother Mother.

I never really touched on this in my previous headcanons but I think Medic also has some body dysmorphia. It's just not as bad as spys. I also think this man has vivid intrusive thoughts. I feel like this song for him is most of the things he thinks about put into words he doesn't have.

2. Are You Satisfied - MARINA. This. Man. Has. Never. Felt. Good. Enough. He's always set his own expectations of what he should be so high that he can never do anything but fall short. He also feels a lot of pressure from the other mercs and is always scared of disappointing them. He loves to hear someone else sing of the feelings he has.

3. The Dismemberment Song - Blue Kid. I had to throw this in. It was either of this or The Red Means I Love You. He loves both. He thinks their really good inspiration songs to go into surgery humming. Be afraid if this man comes at you while this tune is playing.

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Scout -

1. Get It Up -Mindless Self Indulgence. I don't know why but this song just feels like Scout is singing it. Like I genuinely think that he fucking wrote this song 😭 Likes the beat and the way the singer sounds more than the lyrics themselves.

2. Everywhere I Go - Hollywood Undead. See above. No, but genuinely he loves this song. Gives him such confidence for no reason. Makes him feel so cool. I do think he hasnt done anything like this. Yeah, he drinks,but he's never acted like the song. He just lives vicariously through it. Likes the lyrics more than the song in this case.

3. Without Me - Eminem. He wanted to be Eminem so bad! He wanted to be that controversial white boy who could rap. I think all of his favorite songs are just any white man's favorite song ever. He actually does good rapping the song without lyrics. You'd think it be embarrassing but it's actually not, somehow.

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Sniper -

1. Read Between The Lines - Tom Cardy. Come on, how is he not supposed to love this song. It fits him so perfectly. I definitely feel like he loves this song because he always feels like people should know how to understand him even though he isn't giving them anything to work with.

2. Ballroom Blitz - Sweet. He likes the beat and tempo of this song more than anything. He also likes the entire vibe of the song if that makes sense. He can also imagine "being the man in the back," an imaginary scenario king if you will.

3. Another One Bites The Dust - Queen. Took all my restraint not to make every song a Queen song. Had to keep reminding myself I could make a post for that on its own lmao. No one can convince me that this song doesn't play in his head when he gets a good kill. One time, just for fun, he tried to sync with the claps and was super successful.

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Spy -

1. Money, Money, Money - ABBA. I know this man is like probably 50 or something and has a son and whatever, but sometimes I forget that and think he's a 30 year old classy woman from the 1920s. So, in my mind, he likes ABBA. Likes Money, Money, Money though because he likes the idea of a rags to riches heist plot (that's what I imagine when I hear this song anyway)

2. Royals- Lorde. This man wants to be royalty so bad. He tries to be so classy and dignified, which is funny because you'd think he'd want to be as mundane as possible, but that's neither here nor there. I definitely feel like this song just makes him feel fancy.

3. Vous Le Voulez - ABBA. Yes, I did hc Spy as having two ABBA songs in his top three. No, I will not apologize. This man has definitely killed this song. And! He also dance fought to this song. (Think that one scene in Jumanji, the one with the Rock.)

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Soilder -

1. Party in The U.S.A - Miley Cyrus. I mean, can you really blame me for adding this one? I already added it to shitpost canon!

2. Cherry Pie - Warrant. Dad song! This is such a dad song, just like he's such a dad! This man just reminds me of any middle-aged white dad who grills and drinks beer. And I get that so much when I hear this song. So I'd think he'd like a dad song:)

3. Dragula- Rob Zombie. THIS MAN CAN YELL. He loves to sing (scream?) this song! It's a good song to start with, and the fact that he can have a fun time yelling and singing makes him happy!

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Pyro -

1. drop pop candy - reol, giga. I have this headcanon I never touched on for some reason. Pyro knows every human language that exists. So they love listening to music in other languages!They actually really like how sweet the music sounds in contrast to the actual lyrics.

2. My Axe - Insane Clown Posse. PYRO. IS. A. JUGGALO. 100%! You can't convince me that they haven't painted their mask to look like juggalo fave paint. Definitely would play this song in their head during a match. They just replace axe with fire or something similar.

3. Buttercup - Jack Stauber. They like most of Jack Staubers' music! They really like the different soft sounds and low tone music.

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Okay. I'm posting this hoping everything works! I've had to start this over 5 times and I am exhausted 😭

I loved this prompt, but I swear to god I got such back writers block halfway through just finding the songs they'd like. I'm really sorry if this turned out to be bad. I'm going to go sleep for the years.

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Soldier headcanons tomorrow!

[presidentbungus]

option 1: post-canon, spy visits a team reunion in boston over smissmas, reconnects with scout, maybe ends up forced to confront the feelings he's had for engineer since they parted ways. continu-sequel to more than you probably think which i wrote like a year and a half ago (holy shit)

option 2: halloween, demo gets his body stolen by merasmus for nefarious purposes (and his soul promptly shoved into the persian persuader, which fake demo vanishes with); scout and eyelander team up and move with the rest of the team to save him and go on a big fun halloween adventure or something cool and fun like that

option 3: sniper hates engineer for being so weird and passive-aggressive and hard to read, engineer hates sniper because sniper hates him, and then look at that there's some rich prick in a microcamera-studded minisentry-packed forest somewhere whos head needs a-shootin' and specifically the only two people who can get the job done are the 2 guys who hate each other. im sure your lifetime of fanfiction experience is informing you as to where this is going to go. funtime road trip, theres only one bed in the camper, putting pressure on bleeding wounds (sexily), all sorts of fun things like that

also BIG two, like long long, will probably try to finish other ones first so my ao3 page doesnt remain inactive for a full 2 years but including these for posterity:

option 4: space AU, sort of demo focused, sort of not. main 9 are having great, vaguely interconnected times doing crimes in various corners of the universe, oh no gray mann's giant wild west space casino has all the space australium in the big space vault, so what is there to do except a giant wild west space heist. yes, demoengieheavy (also potentially medic as a secret fourth thing) because i said so, and they hate each other and it's really dramatic i promise. demo is an octopus-man, engie is a wild west robot-man, sniper is a mermaid-man, you know the drill and the drill is awesome

option 5: the one where engie is a clone of radigan. it is extremely elaborate and i am just going to trust youve seen my posts on this one (or my deeply deranged ramblings about it on one of several discord servers (including my own which is pretty cool i am just saying)). complexes galore, demo/engie is there and it is VERY complicated, split between very unfortunate stories from engie's childhood, and a present-day plot following engie through his time in the gravel wars, where he slowly works through all the damage and maybe gets involved in some mann co patented Dark, Torrid Secrets© on his way. normal girlboss things

bonus points if you ask me questions or something about any of these i'll give you an itty bitty little bitty kiss on the forehead

[cbsxreader]

could i please have the mercs x an s/o who is, for one reason or another, logged into the respawn system and occasionally abuses the privilege? because lets be real, killing yourself and then coming right back would be the most cathartic thing ever

I was so confused at first because english isn't my first language and I didn't know what cathartic meant lol

Also, I think all mercs wouldn’t mind at first, but would become concerned afterwards

NSFW (death)

Mercs with an S/o who is logged into the respawn system

Scout

Scout immediately thinks it's super cool that his S/o can respawn too.

They then proceed to do the craziest shit together, before Engie tells Scout off.

Scout being Scout, he ignored the Engineer's warnings.

Though all it takes is one time when his S/o took longer to respawn to make him worried.

Soldier

He's excited to teach his S/o rocket jumping when he first finds out about them being able to come back from the dead.

But as soon as Engie or any of the other mercs find out and inform Soldier about the situation.

He's confused at first, since the team respawns well enough, so why wouldn't his S/o be okay?

Soldier does become more careful though, advising his S/o to not abuse their privilege too much, but he still secretly lets them do risky stuff.

Pyro

They have no clue of any consequences regarding their S/o's situation until Engie tells them about it.

The next time his S/o tries to off themselves, they stop them just in time, quickly mumbling and expressing their concern.

They might let their S/o die once or twice every once in a while, but always makes sure their S/o is alright.

Demoman

He's worried about his S/o being 'allowed' to access the respawn system, but lets go of the thought once his S/o says that it's okay.

Demo would also let his S/o endanger themselves, but as soon as Engie mentions the risks, he changes his mind.

If his S/o wants to do something dangerous, he'll check in with Engie first to make sure everything is in order.

Engineer

Constantly asks his S/o to be careful and not die, because he knows that the respawn machine can fumble a bit sometimes.

His S/o might be able to convince him to let them die, but only like two or three times.

Engie might try to log his S/o off the system, but if his S/o really wants to keep their ability he'll just make sure they have better chances of always coming back.

Heavy

He may not know much about the actual respawn system, but from what he's heard, it's nothing to be tempered with.

And that worries him a lot. Both that his S/o believes too much in the respawn system and that he doesn't know how it works.

Heavy lets his S/o die every once in a while, but still expresses his worry for them and their health and life. And it's his best feeling when he can convince his S/o to not do it.

Medic

This man straight up researches his S/o's heritage, trying to find anyone who might be responsible for putting them in the respawn system. Maybe, someone rich made a secret deal with the administrator to make them respawn?

If there's really no reason for his S/o to be in the respawn system then he takes it up to Engie, asking if it's safe.

This man shamelessly asks his S/o, if he can do some really risky experiments on them.

That way he sort of makes sure they don't die completely.

Sniper

Once he found out his S/o could respawn, he, like the other mercs, told Engineer.

Sniper lets his S/o die a few times, until he starts to feel drained every time they kill themselves.

He figures out it was reminding him too much of his past, his parents and his own death, and that's when he starts to get worried.

If his S/o doesn't stop what they're doing, he might convince them to stop abusing the ability.

Spy

Spy says he won't tell Engie and let his S/o die whenever they want but he does tell Engie in secret.

He might let his S/o try risky stuff, but still makes sure they're gonna be okay.

Ms. Pauling

Once she finds out, she immediately tells the Administrator and Engie and her S/o doesn't get to kill themselves anymore.

Simple as that.

Ms. Pauling straight up hires people to monitor her S/o, so they don't even try anything risky.

I'm sorry for the wait, anon! I just hadn't been really motivated to finish this post!

[beepiesheepie]

Pizza toppings the mercs like the most

Scout: enjoys a plain cheese or pepperoni. If you put vegetables on the pizza he will complain about it like he's 5 until someone says he's a bitch for not liking spinach. Then he's wolfing down a spinach pizza.

Soldier: its not a real pizza if it doesn't have 5 different meats on it. Also will say he's saving money by putting his canned 1940 beef and corn as a topping instead of paying for the pizza man to do that. Pizzas that have been through him will look brazillian when hes done. No one tells Soldier about pizza night anymore.

Pyro: hot sauce, all the way. Jalapeños and Buffalo chicken and habaneros and ghost peppers if the rest of the team is OK with it. If left alone with a pizza it will look Brazilian by the end.

Demo: Not a big pizza fan outside of parties or depressive episodes. Enjoys a plain cheese. Also green peppers and veggies on his pizza. Says the way Americans make their pizza is way too fucking greasy.

Heavy: Also not a pizza fan, upsets his stomach. Will carry boxes though. Enjoys a plain cheese but when possible he will indulge on a meat lovers

Sniper: with Engie and Pyro eating the spicy pizzas. Meat lovers fan. Will eat Soldier's Brazilian-ass pizza. Also a fan of everything pizzas where there's all the toppings.

Engineer: he's with Pyro eating ghost pepper and spicy pizzas. Huge meat lovers fan. Bacon bits on the pizza all the way.

Medic: pizza upsets his stomach too so he's with heavy not eating it. Will eat a plain cheese or sausage pizza slice. Enjoys spinach on his pizza so he will call Scout a little bitch

Spy: thinks pizza is disgusting and beneath him. Enjoys those fancy rich people flatbreads that have tomato slices and gobs of mozzarella though. If you tell him that's a pizza he will get mad.

[bobbiethebirthdayclown]

I'm shitass at the game and have no idea what it takes to develop and maintain a game but I'm super bored and hyperfixating so heres my official

TF3/TF2 Freindly UPDATE IDEAS (long post)

*Friendly only lobbies separate from the game modes (no objectives, lots of interactive areas)

*Friendly lobby npcs include; 

*Australia (full of snipers and feral pyros, occasional scout, Saxton stares from the background menacingly) 

*France (crawling with spies and some snipers, occasional demoman, 2 medics) 

*Texas (filled with engines and soldiers, occasional demoman, one heavy)

*Scotland (full of demomen, medics, and some soldiers dressed as tourists, occasional pyro)

*New York (filled with scout and soldier, occasional spy, one heavy) 

*Mexico (all pyros and scouts, occasional engie, one medic)

*Russia (Heavys and medics, all indoors, occasional demoman and spy)

*The Pyro Pit (a pit of lava, pyros do not get hurt, medics heal quick)

*The Warehouse ( rave club with one dj scout, demomen "serving" drinks and 2 heavys at the door, pro shoots confetti)

*The Bar (Demoman and snipers serving drinks, breakable objects)

*The Zoo (Saxton Hale keeps everyone in a zoo)

*The Aquarium (demoman and pyros seen swimming in tanks)

*The Mall (medic and engie selling items, scouts are cleaning angrily) 

*The Park (a skate park with scouts and pyros cheering in the background 

*The Gym (Heavy, along with medic and scout, are leading a mannrobics class)

*The bathroom (a giant, weird, liminal space bathroom full of secrets and interactions that dont have a space in the cannon stories) 

*More color and outfit customization

*3 class battles added (War mode, red team, blue team AND green team)

*Dog class added (infinite health, does 1 damage per second, holds enemies in place, can Uber to do 30-60 damage, bark to place alert signs in high risk areas)

*Bloody Suit and Helmet Party are semi cannon 

*Doing a flip is now possible for all classes. Success varies 

*"Don't Die Spy" game mode (vs Saxton Hale map, extra hiding spaces, no weapons, no capture point, last one alive wins)

*"Scout Racer" game mode (basically just fall guys but faster)

*"Tech-son Standoff" (engie only standoff)

*"Demos Vision Test" game mode (duck shooting gallery with increasing drunkness)

*"Super Engie Pybro's" game mode (Engineer and Pyro cleaning up the battlefield after capping)

*"Saxton's basement" game mode (it's just fight club. You can either choose heavy or soldier)

*Pyro is able to fly using the rocket jump method with it's jetpack 

*Medic has higher health because he has insurance and can earn a variety of chainsaws

*Spy can now disguise as a small Saxton Hale in friendly lobbies

*Dell gets a raise of 40 dollars 

*True Subclasses added (Demoknight can only use swords, Trolldier has a higher stomp radius, Kamikaze-Pyros set themselves and all enemies on fire, Battle-Medic heals himself with each soul taken, ect) benefits added to Base Classes for balance

*More ways to get free stuff that's actually helpful

*Instead of fixing Dustbowl, it becomes haunted a la monster house

*More ghosts, more aliens, and permanent alt game modes

*"Become pen pals?" (an option to meet players in battle and keep tabs on each other afterwards)

*Kiss taunt, hug taunt, scream taunt, cry taunt, fart taunt, buff taunt and pose taunts are all available for f2p

*"Customize room" (a menu that shows an empty, fully customizable room that can be seen by others looking at your profile in game. You can also choose a main to display in the room)

*"Get married?" An option to make an official pact with one other player to earn them a fraction of the XP you earned on alt game modes. No XP removed for you.

*"Become nemesis" steal half of each other's XP in alt game modes out of pure spite. Up to 3 available at a time

*More ways to communicate for F2p

*Hitting a car with a melee weapon will make it honk

*Official designs released for the "Premium"  team (think ultra instinct) the "Femme" team (very rich, equally ugly) and the Yellowbellies (gmod versions)

*More pootis brand shorts for everyone 

*Add official tick tock by joji jump scares

[fightingtrim]

ALRIGHT. i ended up getting two songs for all of em, some fit for obvious reasons and some i could not explain if i tried

engie - alienation's for the rich / hello mrs wheelyke

spy - [she was a] hotel detective / madam, i challenge you to a duel

pyro - space suit :] / you're on fire

scout - mr. xcitement / its kickin' in

soldier - the cap'm / nothing's gonna change my clothes

medic - minimum wage / for science

heavy - i'm impressed / moles, hounds, bears, bees & hares

sniper - rat patrol / 32 footsteps

demo - thunderbird / lullabye to nightmares

&& bonus general vibes. we live in a dump, let me tell you about my operation, cant keep johnny down, lady is a tramp, the famous polka, i haven't been right yet, apophenia, meet james ensor [kinda. shut up]

hm. when I get home from work I think I will find a tmbg song for each of the mercenaries [autistic]

[tf2heritageposts]

I GOT MUNDANE HEADCANONS FOR YA

Engie has phantom limb syndrome that he feels most noticeably when he doesn't have his Dead Hand on in the evenings

Pyro isn't great at cooking but they are extremely talented when it comes to baking and can decorate beautifully

Spy gets acid reflux which bums him out cause he loves rich Italian dishes but he will be up all night if he indulges

Heavy has a very gorgeous baritone voice that is so smooth and warm and will sing around the holidays while another merc plays their instrument

Sniper likes those honey sticks you can get at farmers markets and loves trying all the different flavors

Medic loves getting manicures cause he likes having his hands cleaned up (he and Spy sometimes go together for quiet time)

Demo loves to cross stitch and especially likes to do incredibly detailed pieces. He and Sniper will sometimes sit together while he does that and Sniper knits

Soldier will put his raccoons in little outfits and take pictures of them like you see those antique photos of cats and dogs with the little notes on them

Scout draws his own line of comics that started out as a fun thing for himself and has turned into a weekly issue that gets passed around by the other mercs

these headcanons are so good they’re getting the brand new tf2 heritage post favorite tag of “best hits”

[mundyonmymind]

mercs + cooking lets go!!!

scout: good at making one specific thing, so if he's cooking for himself its just. scrambled eggs. fried eggs. omelette. cheesy omelette. always too salty somehow.

solider: made american pancakes once, nobody could figure out how. can heat up something canned otherwise

pyro: great at creating little witchy concoctions out of anything nearby :) inedible sure, but yknow :) good fun :)

demo: masterchef. made haggis one time which got the mercs pulling faces but this man can cook a brilliant meal!!

heavy: oh my god he would create such a good soup!!!!!!!!! his soup broth would be so rich and delicious i would do anything for it. brilliant cook cause he knows the secret ingredient (its love. and also that special spice he will not tell the name of)

engie: sets the grill up and creates a mean steak like its nobodies business. loves to learn the most efficient ways in which you can cook something, most likely has a steak-making-prototype in the works at the moment

medic: fucked up scrambled eggs so hard they evaporated. do NOT let this man near the kitchen. he'll probably put organs in the fridge anyway.

sniper: well i mean. he can make pasta thats for sure :) also grilled some bugs once but that was more to freak out scout (i mean geez its not like he was gonna eat it) (he was)

spy: coq au vin. crème brûlée. crêpes. oh he cant do it all too well but by god does he try. hes actually an alright cook but being a maximalist is either all in or not at all, so if he cooks its An Event.

[tf2fansderogatory]

TF2 MERCS BUT THEY'RE ALL PART OF A BARBERSHOP QUARTET (of 9 people) (this ask is definitely not borne from me watching a bunch of mr sandman male covers and thinking oh man what if this was the mercs lol)

ohhh yes. it's a little tricky because most of the guys are actually physically incapable of singing in any way other than one that sounds like metal tearing, but the good singers tend to carry the group enough that it works out ok. practice is twice a week, four to seven, and whenever else mercs decide to gather in the rec room to run through their parts. occasionally they go down to Teufort, find a stage, and refuse to leave that stage until police are involved, which usually happens pretty quickly considering who they are but they're just happy to perform at all.

Lead - Engy, almost always. he's a baritone with a voice rich as honey and wide, slow vibrato, which is what he'll say to everyone who asks, and nobody really feels like disputing him on that. also the only merc who's willing to admit he has any kind of training in music (musicals, in high school and college, and a lifetime of singing little songs to himself). once the team manages to pry Spy out of his lonely broken shell he might give it a try too as a previously operatically trained tenor, even though he never tells anyone. sometimes they go together on the lead, even though their voices don't really match. it's nice.

Tenor - Medic usually carries the section; light, airy, a little nasally, bordering on baritone but he can still hit those high notes pretty well. Spy doesn't want to be here and is too shy to sing out, and Scout's only a tenor because he wants to be special, even though he should probably be a baritone. Nobody has the heart or the patience to argue with him.

Baritone - Demo, Engy if he's not on lead, Soldier would be a baritone if most of what he contributed to the group wasn't random screaming. Demo doesn't consider himself the best singer but he can still carry a tune and he's loud, so he's usually okay being mostly alone as far as that goes.

Bass - Heavy, who's a little tone deaf but his voice still rattles the floor, and Sniper, who's really tone deaf but still happy to be there. They surprisingly have voices that blend pretty well together; deep, obviously, a little rough with not much vibrato, but still pretty full. Once they figure out how to catch a note they're golden.

And, lastly, Pyro seems to have a voice that can go to basically any part that needs it, somehow. Their range seems almost biologically impossible but the mercs aren't gonna look a gift horse in the mouth, and they project pretty well through that mask, probably from lots of practice. They're not really the best at enunciation but that's what Scout's for. Scout loves his consonants.

[giddlygoat]

so i suddenly got motivated and wrote this in one sitting. just some mercs sitting around a campfire and a lot of fluff. 

-campfire stories- [tf2]

the sun had retreated from the horizon a good thirty minutes ago, and the team was gathered around the makeshift fire engie and soldier had put together behind the base. pyro had taken to keeping the flames fed; retrieving dead sticks from the edge of the woods and encouraging the fire to grow. 

engie had grilled hotdogs and hamburgers on the his self-built grill for about an hour, occasionally switching out with demo to grab a bite to eat himself. he even managed to produce a few german-style sausages for the doc, who’s eyes lit up at the sight. a chorus of thanks and finger licking made sure the texan knew his hard work was much appreciated. 

they gathered around the fire after that, chatting amongst themselves for a brief moment before demo called attention to himself, proclaiming he had a ghost story that was bound to knock their boots off. 

pyro clapped excitedly, quite partial to demo’s story telling superpowers. 

“just don’t make it too scary; some of us gotta sleep tonight.” engie joked, absentmindedly tinkering with his robotic arm on the log next to medic and heavy. 

sniper then emerged from somewhere within the base with two party size bags of marshmallows. the sight earned (almost) eight pairs of eyes falling on him, which made him speed up slightly for fear of drawing on the awkward moment any longer. 

“aww yeah,” scout licked his lips, grabbing a bag from snipe before he could even sit down. 

“also brought th’ coat hangers,” said the australian lowly, pulling out nine straightened out old metal hangers. he passed them around to each merc, who then proceeded to fight over the marshmallow bags for a good minute or so. 

the barbecue had been perfect as usual, but the savory taste left scout’s taste buds longing for something sugary to wash down the greasy aftermath. 

he extended two marshmallows over the now crowded fire, sparing a glance at snipe, who was silently trying to convince spy to at least try one. 

“right then,” demo said, fluffy white residue apparent in his mouth. “who wants tae hear that story?” 

“me!” soldier raised his hand and sat up straighter, not bothering to swallow his marshmallow first. 

“a story does sound nice.” medic hummed in agreement, leaning on heavy sleepily. 

“prepare yeurselves,” demo began, wiggling his fingers at his teammates. “for this one is known to strike fear in the hearts o’ even th’ bravest warriors.” 

“it doesn’t scare me,” eyelander stated bluntly, speaking for the first time that night from where they sat leaned against demo’s log. “ach, that’s cause yeu’re already a ghost, lad.” demo pointed back immediately. 

“anyway, i bet none o’ you have heard the tale of the brave knight sir haddengale the third?” 

“that sounds made up.” spy muttered, carefully pulling a barely toasted marshmallow off his hanger. everyone glared at him. “oh, i’m sorry. did i say that out loud?” he grimaced slightly, evidently genuinely bashful- if not just a little bit. 

“right, it’s the story of a great knight who had become so famed, in fact, that th’ king himself called upon haddengale for a very special mission.

that mission, as th’ king soon revealed, was to be the most dangerous, deadliest, and scariest adventure haddengale would ever face- the bold knight was to rescue th’ king’s daughter from the great evil that had stolen her away and were to seal her in a tomb for a hundred years!” 

soldier and pyro gasped audibly, to which engie chuckled inwardly. 

“the knight was given a horse, and a map, and was to make his way all the way to th’ other side of the great mountain that protected the kingdom from outside evil forces, and had provided the cities with rich resources for hundreds of years.” 

“how did the king’s daughter get kidnapped if the mountain keeps evil out?” soldier asked suspiciously. 

demo grinned knowingly. “yeu’ll find that out in the story, love.” 

pyro mumbled something in concern, gesturing vaguely with their hands. 

“don’t worry, non o’ this is real.” demo winked at the masked figure, who seemed to accept that. 

“on his way, the knight battled terrible creatures and horrific monsters at every turn; more than once nearly losing his life to a giant or great serpent. he was exhausted from his journey, but determined to rescue the fair lady at any costs- even if it meant sacrificing his life!” 

soldier sniffed, wiping an unseen tear from his face. “what a guy…” he murmured solemnly. 

“when th’ knight finally reached the tomb at the base of the mountain, he went to trying to pry it open- but before his very eyes, it began opening itself! a soft, green light danced on the rocky ground before him, beckoning him to come inside. 

princess! are ye truly within this tomb? he called, drawing his sword. a voice called back to him, soft and sweet like that o’ an angle.” 

pyro exclaimed wildly, waving their hands above their head in urgent warning. 

“hold on, lad, yeu’ll see in no time. 

the knight followed the voice deeper into the tomb, gradually becoming aware o’ the bones and discarded helmets on the ground. the tunnels became darker, and the remains more prevalent, until he finally called out to the princess: my lady! where are they keeping yeu? 

a bright green light then flashed in front of him, glueing him to th’ spot. the figure of a beautiful princess appeared before him, and he knelt to th’ stone at once, humbled my her gracious presence. 

you have found me, she said wistfully. now take me away from this place. 

at once the knight stood, guiding her to the exit of the tomb. his chest exploded with pride at the great thing he had done, and he imagined how happy the king would be to see his lovely daughter safe an’ sound. 

then suddenly, the exit of the tomb closed, bathing them both in that unnatural green light. now that the knight thought about it, it seemed like the light was coming from the princess ‘erself….” 

everyone realized they were holding their breath and the same time then, completely enthralled in the story. 

“the princess grinned at the knight evilly, causing him to step back. now the mountain will exact it’s revenge on yeur people for pillaging our resources for so long… ye will join the knights before yeu, and be slain by the ghost of the mountain just as they were! boo!” 

the team gasped, and medic suddenly awoke, having fallen asleep sometime during the story. “i’m avake,” he said groggily. 

scout realized he had been clutching snipe’s arm and quickly released it, fixing his hat awkwardly. 

“no!! the knight did not deserve that!” soldier screamed, standing up promptly. demo tried his best to sooth him, patting his coat sleeve. “it’s just a story, love. ‘e didn’t really die.” 

“that was well done, demo.” engie said, smiling warmly. 

“da. was a good story.” heavy agreed, nodding. 

“i’m sure it vhas wunderbar,” medic added, fixing his glasses. 

pyro tugged on demo‘s sleeve, to which the scotsman internally prepared to reassure them in turn. “hymf huf umda, humf humma.” they said, nodding. then they hugged him, and demo let out a surprised oof. 

“i’m glad th’ story was to yeur liking,” demo said, patting pyro on the back. 

then they detached themselves, and gravitated towards engie to help him clean up. 

the rest of the team soon followed suit, getting up one by one and grabbing supplies to take inside. heavy and engie took to washing dishes while medic wrapped up the food, and scout waved goodnight to pyro on their way to their room. 

snipe hadn’t left his side quite yet, but he knew he had plans to get some shut eye soon, too. 

“i wish we did this more often.” the australian said, to scout’s surprise. “it’s nice to relax for once.” 

scout scoffed before he could stop himself. “you call that relaxin’? i know everyone was on the edge of their seats,” he pointed out, leaning against the kitchen counter. 

“but it was fun, right?” snipe said. scout had to agree with that, so he nodded. “yeah, it was. demo’s real good with stories like that.” 

snipe smiled at the kid, and adjusted his hat. “you have a good night.” he took off to his van, and scout said goodnight back. even after eating so many marshmallows, he had gotten sleepy too, and decided it would be best to konk out for the night. 

they should do this more often, scout thought, noting the comfortable warmth in his chest. 

[thebigcomed0wn]

so glad you asked 

note that a few of these might have been more accurate not laying down but they were really unclear suspended in the air so i did my best kind of. also i wont make u scroll through the whole post so the rest not shown are under the cut

SNIPER: 1/10. my guy looks like a solid panini with a slight dip in his actual legs. like gumby. no bones motherfucker took 5 minutes to actually get like this because he keeps wiggling out of his own body. the most of a solid, continuous shape ive ever seen in my life

DEMO: i would have showed his face but it was completely drained of blood so i felt bad. 3/10 hes trying and it is better than the other two. all of his mass went straight to his chest like johnny bravo 

ENGIE: 4/10, his ass isnt as triangular as demo, who you can see shedding like a reptile on the bottom right, king im so sorry they made you white

MEDIC: ????/10 i couldnt move his coat but im of the impression hes secretly bad under the actual coat like the tiktok of the guy saying my mom said i wasnt allowed to burn trash and then hes caked up, i think medic is like that, but i am a silly guy on the internet so feel free to stone me 

HEAVY: i couldnt get him to sit straight. no matter what. laying down or sitting up his chest cavity would jsut collapse. giving him a 5/10 for posterity. hes strutting. 

SPY: 0/10 thats so sad its like someone ran over him with one of the carts while he was out playing golf like the rich old man he is. deducting one more point for the fact hed play golf. -1/10 

SCOUT: 3.5/10 for the curvature, i think spy being like that ^ and his mom being like That just absolutely canceled out, id give him another point for potential but he doesnt really deserve it. big slappy

honorary mention for merasmus who crashed my game when i loaded him in but the last thing i saw was how fucking large his model is

haha you thought i was done, no, there is one merc left unraveled. in the year of our lord the merc with arguably the most cake.

PYRO: 10/10 look at this mfer and how they arch their back they know they beat every guy in this desert by miles fuckin look at this sick ass pyro tf2 and their EPIC CAKE pyro tf2 the BADDEST BITCH IN THE DUST BOWL huddah huddah amirite fellas good lord 

[doopy-n-loopy]

Damn very nice writing! Ok ok so yandere mercs reaction if their female s/o was pregnant or head cannon on how the mercs would be as father

Thanks! I'll do the pregnant one

Yan!TF2 Mercs × Preg! Reader headcannons

// no warnings

Defense

Demo

When you announce your pregnancy, he's in utter disbelief

When he finally grasps the fact that you're pregnant with his child, he sits down and rhinks to himself

Then suddenly he jumps up and picks you up, overjoyed

He then quickly makes a call to his mom

"Ya hear that, ma? You're gonna be a grandma!"

His mom is so happy for you two

He doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl, he'll teach them about bombs either way

When you're craving food he will bring every single food item to you

Hell, he'll even learn to cook for you

Heavy

When he heard the news he dropped everything

He went over to you and put his hand on your belly and smiled

He kissed you deeply

He's happy but he isn't the type to explode with emotion

When your back starts to hurt from carrying the baby, he'll gently lift up your belly for a moment

He introduced your baby to Sasha while in the womb

Will NOT let any doctor but Medic help deliver your baby

Kisses your belly gently

Engi

Let me tell ya, this soft texan was about to EXPLODE with joy

He's usually quiet but he went crazy

He started asking so many questions and bringing up so many fantasies

"Darlin, what if our baby wants to be a merc like me? What if they're gonna be an engineer?"

His entire face lit up, it was the cutest thing

When the baby is kicking, he'll go over and feel with his real hand

He once put his helmet on your belly as a joke

Like Heavy, he wants Medic to help deliver the baby, though he's not against going to another doctor

Went to Medic for advice

Offense

Scout

He didn't believe you at first and laughed

But once he realized you weren't joking, unlike the mercs I listed previously, Scout had a full on panic attack

The first person he went to was Spy, who was irritated that he woke em up (I assume you found out late in the night)

But once he explained the situation, Spy sat down with him and talked to him about the birds and the bees

Because lets face it, Scout was confused as hell to how you got the baby

"Man I thought they came from the sky! Like with them birds and stuffs!"

He wasn't too comfortable at first, but eventually he became used to it and even was happy for the baby

I'd like to imagine that he visits Spy a lot for advice and Spy teaches him how to read, how babies are like, how to be a father wow how rich, Spy

Overall he's just happy bit scared as hell

Pyro

Unlike the others, Pyro had an idea something was up, even before you found out

Pyro would always point to your pelvic area and make a confused hum

Once you found out, you told Pyro. They didn't understand at first but they were OVERJOYED once they realized

They hugged you tightly and started cooing at your belly

Pyro would often rub your belly to feel their kicks

Pyro would also prepare by collecting bones on the battlefield, because they thought the teeth were candies and that the spines were stuffed animals

Can't blame them for trying I mean-

Soldier

Soldier would get it surprisingly fast, he would be loud and proud about it

"you see my beautiful wife! She's holding my little maggot!" (Points to your belly)

Makes sure EVERYONE knows about it

He's so proud

He's surprisngly gentle around you with the baby, for example, he won't yell that much around you when you're pregnant

He wouldn't think of getting educated but Medic would force him to get educated on it

Soldier collects minature guns for your baby

He also has an entire American themed baby room for them

Support

Sniper

Shocked, honestly

He would be so proud of himself and you though

A little Mundy? He would have never thought

He's just so happy though

I see him as mostely educated on the topic but he would definitely go to Medic for some help

He sometimes pits his ear up to your belly to hear the baby

The baby kicked his head once but he laughed it off

He isn't really the type to settle down, as shown by his camper van, but he'd start looking at home listings in New Mexico since you've told him

Spy

Shock

And disbelief

He was happy but like his first son, scared

He didn't know how to react

On one hand, he'd love to settle down with you and take care of your kid

On the other, he feels guilt for abandoning Scout and his ex wife, thinking it wouldn't be fair to them

A 50/50 chance of straight up leaving you

But when he looks at Scout and realizes that he wanted to be in his life, he decides to stay with you to take the chance to get to know your kid

And if it's a boy, so he doesn't turn into a Scout 2.O

He finally quit smoking around you since you told him

Medic

Oh Medic knew

When you were gonna tell him, you were surprised by a tight hug as he twirled around with you in his arms

"I'm gonna be a father!" He kept chanting

You weren't too surprised that he found out before you told him

When he calmed down, he made sure you were okay

During check ups, he's extra careful

He understands what it's like to have a baby even though he's incapable of having one

He makes sure to give you check ups more often

He gives you painkillers and sometimes uses his medigun on you when you're in a lot of pain

He got some stuffed animals for your baby definitely

Already chose a name for a boy and girl

He's gonna be the one to help deliver the baby, no other doctor is allowed to help

I'd also like to imagine all of them wouldn't let you battle if you were a mercenary, and would urge you to stay home.

All of them would look towards Medic to help you deliver the baby.

They'll also teach them yandere tricks and basically turn them into a yandere if they can

And that's all! This was very fun to do, If you wanna request something feel free to pop into my ask box~

Also sorry this wasn't very yandere lmao

[thetriggeredhappy]

Idk if ur taking requests... But.... A continuation of the cute pyro gets a cat fic... But also there is engiespy... Gee pyro who let you have two dad's and two cats... Just a thought👀👀👀 also I've said this before but very cool fics I read them every night before bed, gay little 4k word tf2 bedtime stories:)

this one is closer to 1.5k but i hope it scratches ya brain itch. here’s that other fic for folks who haven't read it, go nuts

(warnings for spy threatening the cats and mention of one cat catching mice)

-

The sound of one shiny black Oxford shoe tapping irritably against the lineoleum of the floor was what eventually drew Pyro to glance up from where they were patching a tear near the cuff of their flame suit. They looked up and processed first the chubby orange cat being held out towards them, then the torn-half-to-hell sock in that cat’s mouth, then Spy’s deadpan expression.

“Your animal has once again decided to pilfer from my living space,” Spy informed them, lip curled in a sneer.

Pyro hummed an apology, moving to take the cat in question with much more gentle hands, tugging the remains of the sock from his mouth and moving to pet at his head. Lucky almost instantly moved to roll over onto his back and bat at Pyro’s gloves happily. Pyro laughed and passed the sock to Spy, who more snatched it away than took it.

“Thank you,” he said, voice venomous.

“You know,” Pyro signed between the cat attacking their glove. “He only gets like this because he wants to play.”

“Not my problem,” Spy all but snapped, turning and leaving the room at a brisk pace. “Control your animal.”

Pyro sighed, looking back down and scratching at the cat’s cheek.

-

“Engineer!” Spy all but screamed later that day, storming up the hallway towards the man in question’s workshop, loud enough that the Engineer actually heard him over the sound of his drill and powered it down, glancing up in time to see him stomping through the door.

“Howdy,” he said cheerfully, biting back on the immediate amusement he got from how perturbed Spy seemed in that moment.

“Would you care to tell me why I found this in front of my door?” Spy hissed, holding up a handkerchief. Engineer craned his neck to look at what was in it, and his eyebrows rose for a moment before his smile ticked up at the corners.

“Looks like lil’ Sissy left you a present,” he chuckled, glancing back down at his work again. “Means she likes you. And besides that, that she’d doin’ her job catching mice.”

Spy absolutely fumed. “I don’t believe dead rodents constitute as gifts, Tinkerer,” he managed through gritted teeth, dropping the handkerchief on the desk.

“Fair enough. Makes sense you’d feel threatened, being a rat yourself,” Engie hummed.

A pause as Spy took a moment to be deeply indignant, scoffing in disbelief. “I won’t stand for this—this disrespect!” he finally managed.

“Then sit down,” he said with a shrug, nudging the stool next to him with his boot.

“I’m going to kill that cat,” Spy finally said, voice firm, and left the room.

“No you ain’t, and we both know it,” the Engineer drawled after him.

-

The sound of quiet cursing in French, approaching the Resupply room. Several sets of eyes turned in the direction of it, and finally Spy came into view, picking at his suit angrily, the absolute picture of annoyance.

“Yo, what’s got your panties in a bunch?” Scout snickered.

“Forget your lint roller at home?” Demo chimed in, also grinning.

“Yes,” Spy said, glaring at the two of them. “And unfortunately, a stupid, terrible animal has decided to ruin my suit.”

��Oi, be nice, Scout can hear you,” Demo joked, and laughed as Scout slugged him on the arm.

“Well, yes, he is indeed terrible, but I meant a certain someone’s horrible beast of a cat,” he said, glare turning towards Pyro. “I’m not sure when, but at some point today, the boy one decided to lay on my suit.”

“That does sound like Lucky,” Pyro signed casually, returning to refilling the canister on their flamethrower. “It’s not so bad, though. It’s just a little cat hair.”

“Oh, ‘just a little cat hair’, isn’t that rich,” Spy deadpanned, continuing to pick at his suit. “Of course. Évidemment. It’s not as if this suit couldn’t pay for me to destroy, clone, and then destroy that cat again.”

Pyro just laughed as though he was joking, which was actually the most infuriating thing they could’ve done. Spy continued to swear and threaten the cat under his breath until well into battle that day.

-

The Spy jolted awake at the sound of a loud, plaintive meow.

He sighed hard, rolling his eyes and turning over to try to get back to sleep again. A second and third meow followed the first, though, and finally after a minute or so of the yowling, he shoved off his blankets and stood, muttering angrily under his breath.

He swung the door of his room open. “Quoi?” he spat down at the little orange cat sitting patiently just outside.

She meowed softly and darted past him into the room.

“Non. Sûrement pas. Non.” he said firmly, strolling after the cat, who darted beneath his bed. “Get out from under there. We aren’t doing this.”

The sound of paws scuffling against the ground, then a long silence.

“Fine, have it your way,” Spy muttered, shutting the door and moving back to bed. “Enjoy being trapped in here until morning.”

In the morning in question, he woke up to the sound of purring, and the feeling of kneading against his arm. He looked over and saw Sissy looking at him with narrowed eyes, paws pressing against his bicep beneath the blanket, and finally she curled up there, still purring like an outboard motor.

“Non,” he said again, sitting up and dislodging her as he left the bed. She simply stood and moved into the recently-vacated warm spot, still rumbling quietly. “You think you’re clever, do you?”

She blinked up at him slowly, tail swaying slightly.

“Don’t insult me. This isn’t going to work. I am a cold, bitter, heartless man, and I am impervious to these weak attempts at winning me over,” he said firmly.

She yawned, stretching briefly. Spy scoffed, turning away and starting to get dressed.

Twenty minutes later, a knock at his door. It was the Engineer, helmet in his hands, looking worried.

“Uh, now Spy, I know this might be a strange request,” he opened with, making Spy raise his eyebrows. “But Firebug is a little concerned, hasn’t seen Sissy since last night, and we were wonderin’ if you’d help us look for her, I know it’s early and all—“

Spy turned away, bending and scooping up the cat where she was moving up just behind him, presenting her to the Engineer wordlessly.

He blinked, carefully taking the cat. “Oh. Thank you.” A pause. “Was she here all night?”

“Oui.”

The start of a smile. “Finally warmin’ up to her?”

Soy scoffed, walking out of the room and kissing the Engineer on the temple in passing before continuing off down the hallway. “Not a chance,” he said easily.

-

Spy sighed heavily as Lucky jumped up into his lap as he sat in an armchair in the common room looking through the paper, pooling there happily and purring like he wasn’t in very real danger. “Terrible. You are a terrible creature. I hate you,” Spy deadpanned down at him, but Lucky just shifted to bat at his tie happily. “You’re awful. One of these days I’m going to put you in a box and leave you by the side of the road for the coyotes. Do not test me.”

Lucky shut his eyes, still purring like he had nowhere to be.

“I need you to understand that, asleep or not, I will be standing and leaving this chair eventually, and I will be doing so as though you are not presently on my lap. The only potential issue with this plan is how very fat you are. Otherwise, I have no qualms with this.”

Lucky continued to purr, blinking up at him briefly as Spy shifted the newspaper and continued reading.

Pyro stopped dead in their tracks as they passed through, starting to giggle as they looked at the scene. “New friend?” they signed when Spy noticed them there.

“Potential new hat,” he said darkly, and Pyro laughed, moving into the kitchen. “I don’t know why you laugh when I say these things! I’m not joking!”

“Sure you aren’t,” they poked their head out to sign, and returned to the kitchen.

Spy mumbled more curses, even as he briefly dropped a hand to pat Lucky on the head begrudgingly.

[anonymous-astronaut]

The Mercs trying to comfort you.

I’ve been having a not so fun time recently and needed some vibes. This is how it manefested.

Scout: Stares at you while you talk. Nods along but looks extremely confused. “Damn, that sounds like shit. I got nothin... like, want some bonk?” 3/10

Soldier: Screams encouragement at you. Would be inspirating in some other situation perhaps. “JUST KEEP YOUR CHIN UP AND SMASH ALL YOUR PROBLEMS WITH YOUR FISTS, PRIVATE!!” 0/10

Pyro: Offers comfy, warm hugs. Will sit and listen to you rant as long as you need. Is also down to just sit in silence if that’s what you want to do. Will lend you paper and crayons. “Mmph mmf mmhm” 9/10.

Engie: Is absolutely willing to listen to you for a while, but he’s pretty busy. His very goal orient so he’ll help you find the best solution and inspire you to go for it, but might not be the best at comforting you. “You’ve got this partner, you’ll be back on your feet in no time.” 6/10

Demo: Surprisingly good at listening when he’s not drunk. He’ll hear you out and is a great shoulder to lean on. If you don’t want to talk that’s okay too, he can carry the whole conversation one sided and not make you feel awkward about it. Not an ounce of judgment in the man when it comes to serious stuff. Or you could both just get wasted and sob together, that’s also an option. “I gotcha mate. It’ll pass, just know you’re nae alone” 9/10

Heavy: Has grade A advice. Hears you out and offers attainable solutions. Not one to sit in silence or just be ranted at, though, he likes to feel productive. “You can face problem, Heavy believes in you.” 7/10

Medic: Is busy and honestly if you’re not bleeding profusely from the face or missing any limbs or something he’s not all that interested. His advice goes as far as getting more sleep and eating some probiotic-rich foods. He does his best though, and you might get a shoulder pat. “It will be alright mein friend, most likely.” 4/10

Sniper: Doesn’t have much to say or offer in terms of advice, but just his presence is comforting. Sitting in silence with Sniper is easy and judgment-free. And if you want to rant, he’ll listen. He’ll even let you have the last cup of coffee from the pot. “You’ll come out on top mate, you always do.”

Spy: May seem jugemental at first, but actually takes your problems very seriously and really does listen to you. His advice is criptic but affective, and he’s not afraid to tell you if you are part of your own problem. If you want to sit in silence he will tolerate your presence while he smokes, and he might even mix you a drink or make a cup of tea. “These troubles of yours may not be as daunting as they seem, mon amie.”