#dedeker winston

[polyamzeal]

My husband and I are new to polyamory, do you have any good resources you recommend to newbies?

My personal favorite book is The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedeker Winston. It is a highly underrated book.

But the real answer is a bit of everything. That book and more books are great. There a few polyamory podcasts that really helpful, I personally love Multiamory. I always recommend their episode on R.A.D.A.R. and The Triforce Of Communication. https://www.morethantwo.com/ is a website (along with a book) made by someone who isn't very liked or popular anymore by the community but many still find the website to be very helpful and useful. Joining the polyamory-orientated social media groups is really good. Especially the local ones! Finally those social media site along with Meetup.com there are often in-person polyamory meetups if in a big enough city.

All of these resources are great and everybody learns differently so some are more useful to some than others. Getting different viewpoints from different people is great. Even on my blog I express some opinions that other polyam people don't share so it is great to diversify.

[write-on-world]

[samwisethewitch]

Queer Polyamorous Love Spells

As Pride Month winds down, I wanted to share some love spells for a subculture-within-a-subculture that often gets overlooked: queer polyamorous people. 

Polyamory (sometimes called Ethical Non-Monogamy -- as opposed to unethical non-monogamy, a.k.a. cheating) is an umbrella term that covers many types of relationships in which everyone involved knows that their partner is seeing other people and is okay with that. Polyamory is more common than many people realize: about 5% of all adults are currently in non-monogamous relationships and about 20% have tried some form of polyamory in the past.

Not all polyamorous folks are queer, but polyamorous people are more likely to identify as queer, and poly folks have always been an important part of the LGBTQ+ community. 

Despite increasing awareness and acceptance around polyamory, it can be hard to find resources for polyamorous love spells. Most of the love spells you can find online or in books are designed for monogamous people. While some of these spells can be adapted for polyamorous love, here are a few designed specifically for poly folks. 

Spell for a Loving, Healthy Polycule

A polycule is a group of people who are linked by romantic relationships -- it consists of all members of a polyamorous group and all of their partners. It’s sort of like the poly alternative to saying that two people are a “couple.” 

Polycules can take lots of different shapes. For example, a three-person polycule might be a triad (three people who are all romantically involved with each other, sometimes called a throuple), or it might be a hinge (Person A is dating both Person B and Person C, but Person B and Person C are not dating). A five person polycule may all be dating each other, or it might be a combination of couples, triads, and/or hinges. Just because someone is in your polycule does not mean you are actively dating and/or having sex with them.

This spell is designed primarily to strengthen existing polycules, but it could be adjusted to help a single person attract a polycule.

You will need:

One candle to represent each member of your polycule (These can be figure candles that match each person’s gender identity, colored and/or scented candles that represent their personalities, or white candles with each person’s name carved into one. If you are single and trying to attract a polycule, simply use one plain white or red candle.)

Lavender essential oil

Juice from a slice of orange 

Rose petals 

To perform the spell:

Dress each candle with the lavender oil. As you rub the oil into the candle, say something like, “May we communicate clearly and speak true. May your polycule bring peace and comfort to you.”

Dress each candle with a few drops of orange juice. As you do, say something like, “May our love bring you joy and bliss. I seal this blessing with a kiss.” Kiss the candle before setting it down in your workspace.

Sprinkle rose petals around the candles to form a circle, then sprinkle rose petals in the spaces in between the candles. Once there are no more noticeable empty spaces, say something like, “Our love surrounds us and connects us. Our love supports us and uplifts us. Our relationship is perfect for us. Our polycule is strengthened thus.”

Light the candles and, as they burn, visualize your polycule feeling happy, loved, and supported. Let the candles burn down completely.

Spell to Ease Relationship Transitions

One of the hallmarks of polyamory is less clearly defined expectations for relationship milestones. In her book The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory, Dedeker Winston explains this with the “relationship escalator.” Our society treats romantic relationships (which are assumed to be monogamous) like an escalator, with couples moving up into increasing levels of commitment: first dating, then sexual intimacy, then moving in together, then marriage and/or shared finances, then having children. In polyamorous relationships, each person is free to choose how far up they want to go on the escaltor -- in other words, the level of commitment they are comfortable with.

This freedom of movement means that, sometimes, people change their minds. Dating more people does mean more potential for breakups, but it also means changes in the level of commitment each partner is willing and able to give. You may have a more casual relationship with someone but decide you’re ready to share a home with them -- but on the flip side, a partner you have lived with and paid bills with for years may decide that they need their own space and want to go back to a more casual level of commitment.

This spell is designed to ease all of the transitions that may occur within polyamorous relationships, from breakups to moving in together to deciding to see less of each other.

You will need:

A piece of paper

A pen or marker

Lavender essential oil OR eucalyptus essential oil

A bowl of water (this can be rosewater, full moon water, or just tap water)

To perform the spell:

Write out a description of the transition you are going through in your relationship(s), including the old state of the relationship and the change being made to your arrangement. Be sure to include a description of your feelings about the transition, both positive and negative.

Anoint the paper with the essential oil. Say something like, “May old energy be released. May our love give us strength and peace.”

Submerge the paper in the bowl of water. As you hold it under the water, visualize yourself and your partner(s) surrounded by soothing, pale blue energy.

When you feel totally calm and supported, end the spell.

Spell for Friendship Between Metamours

Metamours are people who are dating the same person but are not dating each other. To put it another way, your metamours are your partners’ other partners. These are people you are not romantically or sexually involved with, but are still connected with by your shared love for your mutual partner(s) -- which makes them part of your polycule. 

While some people choose not to get to know their metamours, this spell is designed for people who want to have a connection with the other people their partner loves. While you might never be best friends, this spell creates an atmosphere of warmth and cooperation that can help keep things friendly.

You will need:

3+ pieces of string, yarn, or cord in different colors -- one for you, one for your partner, and one for each of your metamours (Choose colors that represent each person’s personality to you)

Charms or beads that represent friendship and security to you (You can make your own with airdrying clay, or by writing your wishes on a slip of paper, folding it up, and then punching a hole through it so you can string it)

To perform the spell:

Tie the pieces of string together, with the string representing your partner in the middle and the others on either side. Say something like, “Family chosen, family found. By our shared love of [partner’s name] we are bound.”

Begin to braid the strings together.

Add your beads or charms. With each new bead/charm, repeat your incantation. 

When you are almost out of string, tie it off. Keep the braid in a safe place or give it to your metamour as a gift.

Spell to Heal Loneliness and Feelings of Being Left Out

We all feel lonely sometimes, and unfortunately loneliness, jealousy, and insecurity don’t go away with the addition of multiple romantic partners. No matter how many people you’re seeing, there will probably be times when all your partners are busy and you have to spend time alone. This can be especially rough if your partners are all on dates with other people, leaving you as the only one without romantic plans for the evening.

This spell is designed to help ease gross feelings at times when you feel like the odd one out. It uses bitter herbs to heal bitter emotions with a soothing act of self-care. Please note that this is not a substitute for talking to your partner(s) about your feelings. Also note that there’s a big difference between occasional lonely nights and legitimate neglect or emotional abuse. If you consistently feel ignored or shut out by your partner, that is a much more serious issue.

Note: This spell is partially adapted from the “Bitter Healing Bath” from Water Magic by Lilith Dorsey.

You will need: 

1/4 cup fresh basil (or 1 TBSP dried)

1/4 cup fresh sage leaves (or 1 TBSP dried)

1/4 cup garlic skin or, if you have them, garlic greens (This will not make your bath smell garlicky. If you don’t have garlic skins or greens, you can substitute 1-2 garlic cloves, but this WILL give your bath a slight garlic smell.)

1/4 cup fresh mint leaves (or 1 TBSP dried)

6 cups water

A sweet treat, floral tea, or glass of wine or fruit juice

(optional) an essential oil with a smell you like and a handful of salt or epsom salt

To perform the spell:

Add the basil, sage, garlic, and mint to a pot on the stove and pour the water over them. As you add each herb, ask it to heal your heart and relieve you of bitter emotions.

Bring the pot to a boil. Turn the heat down and let simmer for 20-30 minutes to create a potent herbal infusion.

While the herbs are simmering, run a bath.

After the simmer time is up, add the infusion to your bath water. Make sure to strain out the herbs! It should have a very earthy, herbal, almost grassy smell.

If you really can’t stand the smell, add an essential oil for scent. You can do this by mixing a few drops into salt or epsom salt and adding it to the tub. (Never add undiluted essential oil to your bath!)

As you soak in the bath, feel the loneliness, jealousy, and other negative feelings leaving your body.

After you get out of the bath, enjoy your sweet treat as a reminder to be kind to yourself.

Be sure to communicate your feelings with your partners if this loneliness is a recurring problem! 

Spell to Attract a Queerplatonic Partner

A queerplatonic relationship (QPR) is a relationship that bends society’s rules for telling apart romantic relationships from non-romantic relationships. QPRs are not romantic in nature or do not fully fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship. However, these relationships are more than just friendships and they go beyond what is considered normal between friends. For example, two people in a QPR might live together, have shared finances, and rely on each other for emotional support, all without romance. These relationships are often (but not always!) nonsexual in nature. 

Queerplatonic relationships are an important part of queer culture that often gets overlooked. Aromantic and aroace people may find that a QPR fulfills their desire for emotional connection without the expectation of romance and sex. However, you don’t have to be aromantic, asexual, or even queer to be in a QPR. Some people just genuinely would rather spend their life with a good friend than with a lover, regardless of how they identify. 

One person may have more than one queerplatonic partner, and one or all of the people in a queerplatonic relationship may also date people outside the QPR, which is where these relationships can overlap with polyamory.

This spell is designed to help you attract the right queerplatonic partner for you. Like all love spells, this works best when you don’t have a specific person in mind and instead remain open to the possibilities. 

You will need:

A written description of the type of queerplatonic relationship you want to attract, including level of commitment, level of intimacy, any hard boundaries, etc.

A pink candle

Rosewater or rose essence

Dandelion root

Dried catnip

To perform the spell:

Dress the candle with your rosewater/rose essence, then sprinkle it with your herbs. Place it on top of the description of your desired relationship.

As you light your candle, say something like, “Our love transcends labels and rules. To my queerplatonic partner I will be true.”

As the candle burns, hold your desired partner and relationship in your mind’s eye.

Let the candle burn down completely before ending the spell. 

[posi-pan]

books with pan rep by pan authors

These are books with pan characters by pan authors. (Some use other labels, too.)

Empire of Light by Alex Harrow

The Flowers of Time by A.L. Lester

The Mirror Season and Miss Meteor by Anna-Marie McLemore (the latter is also by Tehlor Kay Mejia)

Syncopation, Counterpoint, and Reverb by Anna Zabo

Of Kindred and Stardust, Blood Borne, and Soulbound by Archer Kay Leah

A Dark and Hollow Star by Ashley Shuttleworth

Feed and Skin by Aveda Vice

A Party for Lola, Outside the Lines, Shifting Tides, and Werebears and Water by Caitlin Ricci

Dithered Hearts, Hard to Find, How to Be Good, and The Absolutes series by Chace Verity

The Fire in My Blood and The Kavordian Library series by Chapel Orahamm

Now a Major Motion Picture and Once & Future series by Cori McCarthy

Making a Mistress by C. Pells

The Blue-Spangled Blue by David Bowles

Heart and Seoul by Erin Kinsella

Trust by Emily Alter

Base Status: Online, Her Elysium, The Other Dress, Lughnasadh Elite Academy series by Emmy Engberts

This Poison Heart by Kalynn Bayron

Not Quite Out by Louise Willingham

Só Mais Um Capítulo by Madu Machado

King & Queen by Maz Maddoz

Mother, Dearest series by Patrick Scattergood

Cold Snap by Sam Clover

Get It Right, The Home I Find with You, Knock Me Down, Shake Things Up by Skye Kilaen

The Brown Sisters trilogy and The Roommate Risk by Talia Hibbert

Down Among the Mushrooms by William C. Tracy (Distant Gardens anthology)

Bonus: authors who to my knowledge don’t have pan representation, but are pan themselves: Clara Henry, Dana Mele, G.L. Thomas, Kelly Haworth, Rin Chupeco, Suki Fleet, Dedeker Winston, Mina Ramey, Matt Doyle, Corry L. Lee, Cathy Pegau, Kate Hawthorne, and J.R. Hart. (Some use others labels, too.)

Double bonus: some pan characters that are played/voiced by pan actors. (Some use others labels, too.)

Vignette from Carnival Row, played by Cara Delevingne.

Miggy from Single Parents, played by Jake Choi

Penelope from Dating in Place, played by Kari Alison Hodge

Kat from Madam Secretary, played by Sara Ramirez

Mystic from Otherwhere, voiced by Siobhan

[transratsactivist]

for the end-of-year book ask: B, C, N, P, T, X

Thanks for asking 😊

B. Did you reread anything? What?

I reread the Die Wilden Hühner books by Cornelia Funke (The Wild Chicks). They were a childhood fave and they are still very good. Shoutout to the tiny dwh fandom here on tumblr for queering german children's literature! 💕

C. What were your top five books of the year?

I Hope We Choose Love: A Trans Girl's Notes from the End of the World by Kai Cheng Thom

Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe

The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin

How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odell

How To Wait – An Anthology of Transition by Sage Persing

I read How To Wait in the days before my top surgery in January and How To Do Nothing in the days following. I didn't notice how funny me taking those two titles to the hospital actually was until i was there. I've added a link to the PDF version of How To Wait because I want more people to know about it.

N. What books do you want to finish before the year is over?

Maybe Frankissstein by Jeanette Winterson, which i started reading today. But I'm not in a rush.

P. What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?

I've only read 15 books this year and I don't feel like any of those were overhyped.

T. What was your most anticipated release? Did it meet your expectations?

I don't think any of the books I've read this year fit the category of anticipated release.

X. Did you DNF anything? Why?

Oh my god, so many books. I start reading a book, get distracted by life or other books and now they've been sitting on my "currently reading" list for months or years. They exist in a liminal space of 'I am technically still reading them, but not actively', because I still want to finish them. Some of these are books I've carried over from 2019. Here's what I am "currently reading, but not really":

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston (50% read)

Untenrum frei by Margarete Stokowski (27% read)

Inkheart by Cornelia Funke (30% read)

Minimizing Marriage by Elizabeth Brake (11% read)

Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha (26% read)

Hope in the Dark by Rebecca Solnit (13% read)

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay (25% read)

Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme (25% read)

[puravibenamastes-blog]

Por que as relações abertas estão cada vez mais comuns

Por que as relações abertas estão cada vez mais comuns

Dedeker Winston tem relacionamentos não-monogâmicos há mais de uma década, mas nunca havia visto tanto interesse pelos relacionamentos abertos quanto agora. Este assunto é tradicionalmente um grande tabu em muitos lugares, incluindo nos Estados Unidos, onde ela mora. Leia mais (08/13/2022 – 18h41) Artigo Folha de S.Paulo – Equilíbrio e Saúde – Principal Pulicado em https://ift.tt/CLtp6ZD

[tantric-witch]

#Repost @womb.witch ・・・ ‘Relationship anarchy holds that all interpersonal relationships are important, not just those that are romantic. A relationship anarchist might engage in polyamory and have multiple, concurrent loving relationships, but may also avoid making special distinctions between relationships that are romantic, sexual, platonic, or familial. A relationship anarchist allows all relationships to self-govern, without external restrictions or expectations on what that relationship should be like. This includes eliminating distinctions between different categories of relationships, and instead allowing all relationships to take any form and have any level of commitment that the participants decide to have. A relationship with your best friend would not be suspended by default by the relationship you have with your long-term, live-in boyfriend. The relationship anarchy movement is still finding its feet, and it is sometimes misinterpreted as practising a lack of commitment to anyone or anything. Relationship anarchists argue to the contrary, stating that love is abundant, and an individual should craft their commitments to fit each unique relationship. A strong foundation of self-awareness of ones relationship values is highly encouraged.” The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory ~ Dedeker Winston This spoke deeply to my Aquarian mind. What an ideal approach to love and relationships. 💗 #loveabundantly (at Gold Coast, Queensland)

[cunningminx]

523: 2017--a Poly Weekly year in review

Highlights from the best episodes of 2017

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Erich Viege presents a Poly Weekly year in review

The author of original comic series Wonder Woman William Marston was in a polyamorous triad, and a movie based on his life was released in 2017. Episode 536

Response to Mayim Bialik’s rant on polyamory

Ethical Slut 20th anniversary update

43 episodes, 17 listener questions (approximately 1/3); cohosts Lusty Guy, Kevin Patterson, Koe Creation, Erich Viedge

Minx and LG published No Dick Pics: How to Opimize Your Online Dating Profile

Dan Savage was our biggest celebrity

Also Pepper Mint, Kitty Chambliss, Cooper Beckett, Isabelle Broué, Dedeker Winston, Page Turner, and AggieSez

And as we strove for inclusion, Poly Dallas Millennium organizer Ruby Bouie Johnson and Chris Smith, a doctoral student, about his paper called Open to Love; Poly and the Black American. Also Ignacio Rivera spoke on consensual sex education and Iris Muscarella on egalitarian solo poly.

Then there was the New York Times piece (not) featuring Kevin Patterson

And how to love someone who was abused (503) , how to love someone whom you love more than he loves you (506), and how to tell a partner no (514), can poly fix my husband—(no, you have to own your shit (523)

23:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Check out this episode!

[dizexplainstheuniverse]

Internet dating in the apocalypse.

Ok, I know – I know. We’re experiencing a pandemic, NOT the apocalypse… However, a lot of what I’m currently feeling right now is very reminiscent of the depths of deep personal crisis and struggles with my mental health (particularly of those teenage years) which for me, is about as apocalyptic as it gets.

If like me, you make a habit of falling in love with strangers, internet dating can be tricky at the best of times. My insecure attachment and subsequent relational patterns play out in such a way that I can sometimes go F.U.C.K.I.N.G crazy when dating a new person whose desire I am desperate for. They’re charming, sweet and hot as hell – of course you want their attention. Though if needing their attention so badly causes you absolute despair when they take more than 20 minutes to message you back – you know you’re in trouble.

We all know that instant messaging is a messy and incoherent way to communicate, yet for some of us, we find safety and validation in the incessant stream of the scroll. Re-reading messages, finding the hidden meaning, projecting our hopes, fears and desires onto every full stop. Rationally, we know this is dumb. But, we’re addicted to the screen. I mean, that in itself is a whole other essay, so for the sake of my current sanity I’m just going to stick with the whirl-winding, universe colliding, falling into infinity thing.

So, it’s clear messaging is a shitty way to communicate, and if navigating a new relationship is the most complex thing in the entire ether – why the fuck do we insist on doing it?

Some of you might be familiar with the term NRE – New Relationship Energy. The potent cocktail of delicious chemicals that flood our brains and bodies when we’re tuned in, turned on and fancy the fucking pants off someone new. NRE refers to a state of mind experienced at the beginning of sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual feelings and excitement. We just can’t get enough, and that’s totally understandable – there’s literally a whole bunch of biochemical processes happening in our brains. The culprit? Serotonin. Moreover, a lack of. And since attraction and falling in love is usually marked by your brain reducing its serotonin uptake, if you’re someone who’s struggled with depression, drugs or alcohol, sex addiction, or you’re an adrenaline junkie… this may feel all too familiar. Serotonin is responsible for many body functions, including making you feel “full” or “satisfied” after eating and having sex, which is why low serotonin can be linked to many unpleasant phenomena. Falling in love can feel like you are “addicted” to the other person. You get the dopamine high when you’re around them, but without the dose of serotonin to make you feel satisfied. Dedeker Winston describes this with perfection:

“Your lips are locked with someone you’ve been wanting to kiss for a while now. You’re overwhelmed with sensation: their smell, their taste, the warmth of their body pressed against yours. Later on, after you say your goodbyes and start heading home, your heart may still be racing and your hands may still be shaky, but you feel as if you could fly. When you get home and get into bed, it’s hours before you can fall asleep. You feel too awake and energized. Over the next days and weeks, it’s extremely difficult to keep yourself from texting your new crush every ten minutes even though it feels excruciating waiting for them to text you back. When you see their name pop up in your phone notifications, you feel a flutter in your chest.”

All this is well and good if you’re able to continue to function like a rational human being whilst all this is going on inside of you. I, however, cannot.

As someone who continues to battle with anxiety, depression and PTSD, falling in love can sometimes feel incredibly traumatic. Even more so if the current object of my desire appears to be highly desirable to others, inconsistent in their behaviour, dismissive of my emotions or defensive in communication, I feel myself slipping into complete surrender to being and doing ANYTHING just to get their attention. I completely lose myself, my sense of worth and identity. All I can think about is how I get my next hit. This pattern of behaviour is incredibly detrimental to my self-esteem and mental health. Naturally, you can see why internet dating during a global crisis might not be the best idea…

I do a hell of a lot of work grieving the parenting and the love I needed but never received as a child and whilst that’s a useful strategy most of time, currently this doesn’t feel so easy. With absolute world chaos looming, Covid-19 is really fucking with my ability to stay above water. In desperate times, I find myself turning to social media and dating apps to find comfort, reassurance, validation, safety and that big old whack of dopamine that I crave so badly. But of course, this is not the case. I feel like a teenager again. Growing up in the late 90s/early 2000s I was part of the generation glued to the family desktop computer. Dialling up the internet after school, sitting online MSN Messenger waiting for my crush to ‘pop up’. Oh, those were the heady days... Today, as I sit staring at my phone, laptop propped up on my knees, those demons grin and bear their teeth at me once again.

I’ve had a variety of thoughts over the past few days, some of complete despair, some of excitement and anticipation, but mostly many of curiosity and intrigue. Whilst it feels tempting to want to dive headfirst into an online love affair with a complete stranger (for a moment, I really thought I had) I’ve got to remind myself of who I really am now.

This is not just about internet dating, it’s anything that gives you that high, the escape. You might feel tempted to drink the nights away, get the bags in and snort the nights away. For some of us, we might feel tempted by a variety of harmful behaviours. Fears of a much darker time might be surfacing for you, or maybe fears you’ve never felt before are starting to cloud your mind. Whatever your vice - yes, all this is scary. Yes, that escape is looking ever more tempting. No matter how you try to justify it – even in love – because of course, that person is charming, and sweet, and hot as hell - but remember, you’re feeling triggered, we all are. It’s not to say what you’re craving is wrong, or your feelings for this person aren’t real – it might actually turn out to be a really wonderful thing (and this time I’m referring only to the internet love of your life, not the harmful thing you want to do that is going to really hurt you or someone you love) but, right now, we’re in a fucking global crisis. We have no idea how long for, and the world around is changing more rapidly than in most (if not all) of our lifetimes. You’re bound to be feeling a little out of control right now.

So, just hold on a second. Cut yourself some slack - I’m here to remind you that you’re not that 14 year old anymore. You’re a real life adult, with passions and dreams, with beautiful friendships and resources, with tools and coping strategies that have paid off in times of desperate need and will absolutely work again for you now.

Remember who you are, remember your heart, remember your curiosity and compassion, remember how you dance and sing and read and journal and play and laugh and create your way through life.

Remember all the wisdom and strength you know is still sitting there at the core of you.

Remember to breathe.

You got this.

x

Instagram: @dizexplainstheuniverse | Facebook: /dizexplainstheuniverse

[1nfamous-cvpidz]

Podcast Review: Emotional Labor by Multiamory

So! I’ve been lacking motivation to write much of anything and then this podcast came out so here we go!

This is a really good podcast to listen to if you would like a 101 in Emotional Labor. Emotional labor is basically the emotional and mental energy used to maintain a relationship and keep the other person/people in the relationship comfortable and okay.

There were a lot of romantic examples in this podcast but these can apply to any relationship.

One of the biggest take aways from this podcast is that a person should have more than one support network. So, what does that mean?

Think of it this way: Say there is Friend A and Friend B. If Friend A always go to Friend B for all of their problems, eventually Friend B is going to be emotional drained, especially if Friend A isn’t particularly great at reciprocating emotional labor. Even if Friend A does reciprocate for Friend B, both people will eventually be drained in some way because it’s just the two of them going back and forth.

If Friend A, however, also has Friend D, Friend Group H and perhaps Acquaintance Q, Friend A also has the potential to go to these other people about their problems instead of Friend B.

Dedeker used the following example: “Say you have that one friend that comes to you with their relationship troubles to process, get help and advice and so forth. You are doing the emotional labor to help this friend. If that friend is consistent comes to you over and over again with various issues, it can become really draining, especially if that labor is not reciprocated.”

By having more than one support network, you can have your needs met by various people without constantly going to the sane person over and over again. You also get different perspectives and different solutions to your issues.

So, go ahead and listen to this podcast and let us know what you think!

Thanks,

Cupid King 👑

[polyamzeal]

The Smart Girl’s Guide To Polyamory - Endorsement

When someone is asking for resources to learn more about polyamory there are two books that always get mentioned by everybody all the time without fail: The Ethical Slut and More Than Two. Now don’t misunderstand me, those two are both great books about polyamory. But I also worry that other great polyamory books get lost in their shadow. So today I want to recommend a book that i honestly think is better than both of those books and yet I never hear it recommended until I chime in about it.

The Smart Girl’s Guide To Polyamory by Dedeker Winston (of Multiamory fame) is an amazing book about polyamory that everyone should read. Before I talk about the many good things about this book let me talk about the one bad thing. The title. I completely understand what Dedeker was trying to do and I think writing a polyamory book with the focus on women is a great idea. But I think she failed. Because this book is for everyone of all genders! I have read it twice and very very few parts felt “exclusively” for women and even then anyone with a female partner should still read those tiny parts as well. She does address this issue in the prologue itself but you need to actually open the book to read so let me paraphrase: This book is about the human experience.

So what else is actually in the book. You will find your typical Polyamory Beginning's guide info but written with Dedeker’s undeniable charisma that makes it a joy to read for newcomers and veterans alike. There is also a focus on deep self-exploration that sincerely tries to improve the reader’s life. Plus Dedeker includes some of her own life story along the way which really paints a clear picture of the highs and lows of polyamory that a reader can connect with much deeper than hypothetical vague expectations ever could. Finally something I really enjoyed that I haven’t really seen in too many other polyamory books is a fascinating history of polyamory.

I highly recommend this book. If you have only read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two that is a good start but there still so much more be gained in reading this book. Please go buy it and support Dedeker Winston.

[itunesbooks]

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory - Dedeker Winston

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love Dedeker Winston Genre: Family & Relationships Price: $12.99 Publish Date: February 7, 2017 Publisher: Skyhorse Seller: SIMON AND SCHUSTER DIGITAL SALES INC No one likes a know-it-all, but everyone loves a girl with brains and heart. The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory is an intelligent and comprehensive guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other forms of alternative love, offering relationship advice radically different from anything you'll find on the magazine rack. This practical guidebook will help women break free of the mold of traditional monogamy, without the constraints of jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, and competition. The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory incorporates interviews and real-world advice from women of all ages in nontraditional relationships, as well as exercises for building self-awareness, confidence in communication, and strategies for managing and eliminating jealousy. If you're curious about exploring group sex, opening up your current monogamous relationship, or ready to “come out” as polyamorous, this book covers it all! Whether you're a seasoned graduate, a timid freshman, or somewhere in between, you'll learn how to discover and craft unique relationships that are healthy, happy, sexy, and tailor-made for you . Because when it comes to your love life, being a know-it-all is actually a great thing to be. http://dlvr.it/R53P8K

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My 8 Guiding Heart Mantras for Polyamory via /r/polyamory

My 8 Guiding Heart Mantras for Polyamory

I've been on my polyamory journey for about 7 mos now and I've gone through so many ups, downs, challenges, heavy conversations, self exploration, and personal growth. I wrote these 8 Guiding Heart Mantras after listening to the chapter in Dedeker Winston's The Smart Girl's Guide for Polyamory, in which she develops her own poly constitution. I'm by no means a "poly expert" or "more poly enlightened" than anyone else but I've found these mantras have been an instrumental framework for my partner and partners' partners as we explore. I hope you’ll find these mantras helpful as you craft the life and relationships you want. Let these be guiding principles for creating happy and healthy polyamorous relationships.

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8 Guiding Heart Mantras for Polyamory

Compassion First

We agree to approach all of our relationships and our partners’ relationships from a place of compassion first - understanding that people are not perfect. We will approach conflict by seeking understanding and empathy for our partners’ needs, boundaries, and desires.

Approach From a Giving Place

We agree to approach all of our relationships and our partners’ relationships from a place of giving - always thinking about what we can add to the dynamic. When we give, we do not do so out of expectation or receiving something back or to compete on the basis of selflessness. We give just to give.

All Feelings Are Valid

We recognize, validate, and give everyone in the relationship the space to feel all of our feelings. We will not shame each other or dismiss each other’s feelings or those of our metamours. We will be honest and direct in naming our feelings and work through them together.

Commitment to Co-Creation

We all have a commitment and right to co-creating the relationship(s) that work best for all individuals involved. All parties have equal agency and should feel empowered to voice their needs, boundaries and desires. We are committed to working through our feelings and conflicts and to supporting each other in this exploration.

Give Each Other Grace

We give each other, our partners, and our partner’s partners the grace and the space to make mistakes. We will give each other the room and support to interrogate our biases, insecurities, fears, and triggers. We will extend each other forgiveness when asked for.

Forward Each Other Trust

We agree to forward each other trust; trusting in our partners’ love and that their actions and words are true even when we are scared. We trust that our partners’ will make ethical decisions that are best for them and that do not seek to harm us, our partners, or our partner’s partners.

Love and Honesty over fear

We will approach our relationship and interactions with each other with love and honesty over fear.

Respect each others personal boundaries

We will respect each other’s stated personal boundaries as well as those of our partners and our partner’s partners. We will not try to change, shame, or manipulate any individual into changing their boundaries.

-----------------------------If you want to publish/add them to a blog/book/podcast etc. DM me! They have been copyrighted. :)

Submitted August 16, 2020 at 05:48PM by FKAmaggs via reddit https://ift.tt/2PVgj1u

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Guidelines For Online Relationship

The Relationship theory state in all relationships we're either in recovery or relapse, Assuming we all work together with completely different elements present in our environment the depth (power) of various relationships grows stronger or weaker as life happens; For example, our first relationship being the bond between mom and baby. Not everyone does this, however I personally make the selection to make use of condoms for penetrative sex with all of my companions. I feel empowered by deciding to protect myself fairly than choosing to have absolutely unprotected sex and then having to worry about whether or not my partners are utilizing limitations with everyone else. Some people balk at this, however I might argue that using a condom doesn't mean that your relationship with somebody is much less intimate or much less serious. It is just a piece of latex.” ― Dedeker Winston , creator of the weblog and podcast Multiamory Winston has been with her associate Jase for four and a half years and her partner Alex for 2 years. Although face-to-face is beneficial by Thomas, if you cannot all the time swing that, she does say a cellphone name is important. Need Pet Psychics Help? Connect with Gifted & Tested 24/7. Free Trial. Chat NowThat is your time to listen to their voice, understand the trembles or the peaks in their tone and 0-in in your partner. This fashion, you can keep reinforcing the connection between the 2 of you and by doing so in these extra private methods than by way of e-mail, text or social media. Several companies are usually more upscale, and so they provide more particulars than simply addresses. For example, they provide personalized introductions with the females of your choosing that you actually like. A few websites carry out private screening of the females, search via their profiles, and try to pilfer as a lot personal information about them as they possibly can earlier than listing them on the service. This can be essential to preserving your success as it's a must to discover out what you are purchasing and make it possible for everybody on the webpage is actually reliable. For those who do not, you might be just throwing away your time. A couple of Mexican relationship companies tend to be much more skilled than others, and the best choice for achievement with these kind of internet websites is to deal with one which provides essentially the most personal in-depth knowledge attainable. JUST REMEMBER THE ASSOCIATIONS THAT I'VE ADVISED DON'T DO THAT AT NO COST, THERE'S A CHARGE INVOLVED, Should you would not have the Money to pay for a Reading then I'd advise you to avoid wasting up for it. If it is an emergency of great psychological and religious stress then communicate to your priest or pastor that can assist you. If you are a musician, actor, artist, model, dancer or business skilled and wish to obtain fame and fortune, then this ceremony will show you how to achieve your goals. This excessive level ritual will ensure that you achieve great success in your chosen art. Many people have turned to Professor Aba for his advice and that is one chance you don't want to cross you by. You will move through like a conqueror and be unstoppable. All who receives this ceremony can even get a free prosperity handkerchief. This prosperity handkerchief is said to attract great wealth to anyone who owns and carries it faithfully. It is an excellent support for growing enterprise, for successful cash in contest and to assist receive a rise in pay from your boss. Cash will come to you from unexpected sources. Whereas it could appear virtually effortless to carry out magical acts, studying the process will not be simple. If you would like to get again along with your ex, you would not have to train as a magician. Nonetheless, there are particular methods by which you can forged free love spells which are simply as magical. You would find that the free psychic readings would take the time and vitality for individuals to prepare and you would additionally discover that, after careful examine, the free psychic readings can be of similar high quality with the readings that you just get from the other psychics after paying for them. Of course, there's nothing wrong with planning your ritual for a time that is convenient, corresponding to within the daytime when children are in mattress, or after dinner so you can get to mattress early for work the next day. It's higher to vary your time than to miss it completely.

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Rules For On-line Courting

The Relationship theory state in all relationships we are both in restoration or relapse, Assuming we all interact with totally different elements current in the environment the intensity (energy) of different relationships grows stronger or weaker as life happens; For instance, our first relationship being the bond between mother and baby. Not everyone does this, however I personally make the selection to make use of condoms for penetrative sex with all of my partners. I really feel empowered by deciding to guard myself relatively than selecting to have fully unprotected intercourse and then having to worry about whether or not my partners are utilizing barriers with everybody else. Some folks balk at this, however I might argue that utilizing a condom doesn't suggest that your relationship with somebody is much less intimate or much less severe. It's just a piece of latex.” ― Dedeker Winston , creator of the blog and podcast Multiamory Winston has been with her companion Jase for 4 and a half years and her accomplice Alex for two years. Although face-to-face is really useful by Thomas, if you cannot at all times swing that, she does say a phone name is crucial. This is your time to hear their voice, understand the trembles or the peaks in their tone and 0-in on your partner. This manner, you possibly can maintain reinforcing the connection between the 2 of you and by doing so in these more personal methods than via e-mail, text or social media. A number of companies are typically extra upscale, and so they offer more details than just addresses. For instance, they offer customized introductions with the females of your choosing that you just truly like. A number of web sites carry out personal screening of the females, search by their profiles, and attempt to pilfer as a lot personal information about them as they probably can before listing them on the service. This may be essential to preserving your success as you must find out what you're purchasing and be sure that everyone on the webpage is definitely professional. Should you don't, you are simply throwing away your time. A few Mexican dating services are usually much more experienced than others, and the best choice for fulfillment with these form of web websites is to deal with one which supplies probably the most private in-depth knowledge attainable. Online Love Psychics. Heartbroken & Looking For Romance? Get Psychic Reading. Free Trial. GoJUST REMEMBER THE ASSOCIATIONS THAT I'VE ADVISED DON'T DO THAT AT NO COST, THERE'S A CHARGE INVOLVED, Should you wouldn't have the Cash to pay for a Studying then I would advise you to save up for it. If it's an emergency of great mental and spiritual stress then speak to your priest or pastor that can assist you. If you're a musician, actor, artist, model, dancer or business professional and want to achieve fame and fortune, then this ceremony will assist you to obtain your goals. This high level ritual will make sure that you achieve great success in your chosen art. Many people have turned to Professor Aba for his recommendation and this is one probability you do not wish to go you by. You'll move through like a conqueror and be unstoppable. All who receives this ceremony will also get a free prosperity handkerchief. This prosperity handkerchief is claimed to attract great wealth to anyone who owns and carries it faithfully. It is a wonderful help for increasing enterprise, for winning cash in contest and to help get hold of an increase in pay from your boss. Money will come to you from unexpected sources. While it may appear nearly easy to carry out magical acts, studying the method shouldn't be simple. If you would like to get again with your ex, you shouldn't have to coach as a magician. Nonetheless, there are particular methods by way of which you can solid free love spells which might be just as magical. You would discover that the free psychic readings would take the time and power for individuals to arrange and you'd additionally discover that, after cautious research, the free psychic readings could be of comparable quality with the readings that you get from the opposite psychics after paying for them. After all, there's nothing mistaken with planning your ritual for a time that is convenient, equivalent to within the daytime when kids are in bed, or after dinner so you may get to bed early for work the following day. It is higher to change your time than to overlook it completely.

[cosmicspaceslug]

Tuesday Reads – 2018-05-08

I’m about 3/4 throughThe Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love (by Dedeker Winston)- It’s a feminist look at ethical non-monogamy; partly memoir, partly how-to, partly things-to-think-about, well-written and very approachable. Highly recommend as a companion to Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator.

Last night I finished Beneath the Sugar Sky – Book 3 in Seanan McGuire’s Wayward Children series. In a set of stories about portal fantasies, this is the first with a portal fantasy quest. I love all three of these books, and they’re wonderful reads. Highly recommend, bordering on must-read.

And then this morning I started The Will to Battle, the third book in Ada Palmer’s Terra Ignota series. I’m only a couple chapters in, but it’s fun to be back in this challenging world.

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