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chameleon66 · 3 months ago

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Hazbin Hotel Baxter theories

Introduction

As many Hazbin hotel fans have been patiently waiting for season two to be released, Vivizepop gave us a sneak peak at an unfinished scene at the San Diego comic con that’s going to be in season two.

And in that scene we are introduced to a new character, Baxter. Baxter actually used to be part of the main cast for Hazbin hotel (Back in the Zoophobia days) before his role in the show was given to Sir Pentious. So in this post I’m going to discuss some possible theories for what Baxter’s role in the series might be, how his prescenes will affect the rest of the cast and the storyline, and what we know about him so far.

Chapter #1 Who’s Baxter?

In the clip we are shown that Baxter is a scientist who came to the hotel not looking for redemption but to study the idea of redemption, he claims that he doesn’t believe redemption is actually a thing that can happen so that’s why he came to the hotel.

Baxter first appeared in the Hazbin Hotel Pilot, however only his silhouette was shown. Then in the season one, episode two Radio Killed the Video Star we see him on one of Vox’s screens. Keep this clip in mind because we’re gonna come back to it later. Then we see him Cameo again in the Season one finale, the show must go on. Where he is watching the news about how the extermination was canceled. So his character is yet to be formally introduced to us but that doesn’t mean we don’t know anything about him.

According to the Hazbin Hotel Wiki, we have some information that has been revealed through posts, livestreams and others I’m pretty sure fans just made up, so take some of these with a grain of salt. Also keep some of them in mind because we’re gonna be coming back to them a little later.

Baxter appears to be an Angler fish sinner since he has a very dark and muted color palette with the occasional pop of bright colors like teal, yellow, or red which are commonly seen on ocean predators who live in deep parts of the ocean. Also according to Faustisse Baxter also has an underbite referencing another trait that’s common among Angler fish. Baxter also has fish like finns on the sides of his head and an esca (That thing Angler fish have on their head that light’s up to attract their prey). Like what was seen in Finding Nemo. One theory I’ve heard a few times is that Baxter might be trans since in real life, only female Angler fish have an esca. I would like to see this because 1. It seems like it would be good representation for the transgender community and 2. It would really add some depth to his character.

I’m not sure how high the chances are that Baxter is actually Trandsgender or if we’ll even get it confirmed within the show or by one of the cast or crew members but regardless I think it is a good concept for his character that may happen. I mean we already got one canonically confirmed within the Hellaverse. When in Hazbin Hotel’s sister show, Helluva boss, we were introduced to Sallie Mae, Millie’s older sister.

Fans first guessed she was transgender when they noticed her horns. In Imps in Helluva Boss, males have black and white horns with equal sized bands of each color while the females have black horns with smaller white bands but Sallie’s horns are of that of male variety so that was what first made fans believed she was a transgender women, Then in June of this year to celebrate pride month they released this piece of merchandise with the whole cast and decked out in pride flags which confirmed many of the characters sexualities. One of which being Sallie Mae who in that art was confirmed to be not only a lesbian but also Transgender. So the point here is since they already got one character who is confirmed to be transgender, another one probably isn’t out of the question. Ok back to Baxter.

Baxter was previously said to have died on the titanic however this was later changed because Vivzie didn’t want any real life events tied to characters death (especially tragic one to avoid coming off as insensitive), so it’s now said that Baxter died in a large boat that sank in the 1910s and officially the main cause of death was drowning which probably contributed to his aquatic demon sinner form.

It said on the wiki Baxter likes Science, Laboratories, and mad science experiments. But he dislikes being touched, this could imply he’s touch averse, touch starved, or maybe he just isn't comfortable with physical contact. It’s yet to be confirmed if he will have a laboratory in the hotel but I think he might just turn his room into one when he stays at the hotel. Personality wise Baxter’s personality is said to still be in development but Vivize likens him to the character Myron Reducto from the show Hervey Birdman in his mannerisms. He is screechy, neurotic, fidgety, anti-social “gremlin” and an all-round mess. He is introverted and wanted nothing to do with anyone preferring to do science alone in peace. I have a feeling that as soon as we are introduced to Baxter in the show he’s gonna automatically become a fan favorite, he just has all of the traits. Now we’ve gotten to know Baxter a little bit better it’s time to discuss him and what he’s gonna bring to the series.

Chapter #2 Charlie and Baxter

Charlie is ecstatic to have another guest staying at the hotel but she is definitely still trying to heal from losing Sir Pentious in the battle. Because it’s pretty clear she’s kind of labeling Baxter as a replacement for Sir Pentious due to them having shared characteristics, such as being Inventors/Scientists, having very old school styles of dressing, having quite similar mannerisms/ hand gestures while talking to people, and they honestly kind of sound similar too. (But that may be just a me thing)

Charlie has also made this clear because even after Baxter tells Charlie his name she continues to call him Pentious, albeit by accident but the point still stands. This could become a plot point where Charlie continues to treat Baxter like he’s Sir Pentious and this makes Baxter upset until he most likely snaps at her and she’s forced to finally deal with her grief over losing Sir Pentious. Which Charlie may be trying to hide because she wants to be a strong leader for everyone else during this difficult and confusing time but while she’s allowing everyone to dump their feelings and problems onto her while she’s continuously being forced to hold her tongue and play therapist for everyone. Husk really was right there. “Princess, is a bleeding heart who wants to solve everyone else’s problems except her own.” - Husk, Season one, episode four, Masquerade.

I mean, don’t get me wrong here. No one in the hotel is completely okay. They’re all got problems, trauma, and insecurities. But trying to help others improve themselves and get through hard times is no excuse for Charlie to be neglecting her own needs. And I think that with Baxter joining the crew at the hotel, it’s really going to bring Charlie’s problems to light.

Chapter #3 Sir Pentious and Baxter’s connection

We also learn in the clip he has a connection to Sir Pentious somehow, as when Charlie mentions him in the sneak peek clip, He says that he’s nothing like him and calls him “A pompous snake”. This means the two sinners knew each other, that feels likely since both of them are Inventors/Scientists who died around similar times.

I have seen this one idea floating around the internet that Baxter was actually the one who helped Pentious create his Egg Boiz which would make since Baxter called himself a mad scientist and in a lot of cases mad scientists try and create life through their experiments and we’ve seen that Baxter actually has a bag will crab eyes and legs which is pretty likely he created. And it feels unlikely Pentious would have created the Egg Boiz on his own because he had always been portrayed working with machinery and steampunk kind of equipment; we've never seen him create anything living, so that means he at the very least probably had some help creating his henchmen. It’s also confirmed in the Finale that at least one of the Egg Boiz still remains in Hell after the battle in which Sir Pentious and what seems to be many of the Egg Boiz died in too. So maybe that remaining Egg Boi will recognize Baxter and spill some information about him to the rest of the cast. Since it has been shown they have a habit of spilling information they weren’t supposed to, as we saw in the season one, episode three, Scrambled Eggs.

An idea I had was that Sir Pentious and Baxter were rivals that maybe used to be lab partners but then had a falling out for whatever reason. It was confirmed we would see more of Sir Pentious’s past so that could mean we could see what the connection is between him and Baxter. Another idea here is that after Baxter hits his limit of Charlie constantly making him the replacement for Sir Pentious he reveals what happened between him and Sir Pentious in some kind of dramatic flashback or maybe even a musical number (Now that would be fun to watch).

Chapter #4 Baxter’s love interest?

Another character in Hazbin hotel I think will become close with Baxter is Nifty. I’ve seen a few posts online where Baxter and Nifty are being shipped together. Personally I think the Ship is very cute, but since we haven’t seen much of Baxter yet there isn’t much ground for a relationship to be built on. But There is some evidence out there to suggest that Nifty and Baxter might have a romantic relationship with each other within the show.

Back in the pilot days of Hazbin Hotel Vivziepop used to draw Nifty and Baxter together during livestreams and in one she even drew them sharing a milkshake together with Nifty not so subtly staring at Baxter. Keep in mind before Baxter was going to have Sir Pentious’s role in the series and Nifty during the episode Pentious was introduced in was infatuated by him but by the end of the episode she’s over him because she learns he’s not “A bad boy”. Throughout the show Nifty has been shown to have a thing for bad boys. Baxter is much more rebellious than Sir Pentious ever was and with Nifty’s track record it wouldn’t surprise me if she was attracted to him.

Baxter on the other hand would probably be a little less cheerful towards Nifty, since he’s not very social and prefers to be on his own. Nifty however couldn’t be more different in that sense. She’s shown to enjoy being in the company of people regardless of who she’s with in most circumstances. I can see a sort of HuskerDust dynamic here, with Nifty constantly bugging Baxter to try and get his attention while Baxter is just annoyed with her continuous antics.

However that being said, I think Baxter and Nifty could actually make a great match. Because while they are very different from each other they also have things in common. Like both enjoying doing experiments though Baxter’s are probably less chaotic and more scientific, they both are labeled as “Gremlins”, and appearance wise they are both two of the shortest members of the cast. I honestly can see a sort of scenario where Nifty as a show of her affection towards Baxter giving him some kind of dead insects or animal that she killed maybe and instead of getting grossed or weirded out like everyone else does with her, he’d be curious and ask her if she’d be okay if he did some kind of experiment on it and then she’d just get all excited and gleefully follow him to his lab to watch him work. Maybe I need to write this later as a short Fanfic, would you guys be interested in seeing that? Let me know.

Anyway, Nifty and Baxter have the potential to have a very cool dynamic whether as a couple or as just friends and it also gives us some potential to see Nifty developed more since so far in the show she’s been only portrayed as the maniac maid in the hotel and as comic relief which works great but I think some depth to her character could make her that much better. Some dynamics/Tropes I could see them having included. Opposites attract, We’re not so different after all, Pure looking (But super shady) x Scary looking (But is actually a softie), Chaotic baddie x Sweet baddie, Energetic x Serious, and Mad scientist duo.

Chapter #5 Alastor and Baxter

Of course we’re talking about Alastor here. It wouldn’t be A Hazbin Hotel analysis/theory if we didn’t talk about Alastor. Alastor is a fan favorite within the fandom and it’s not hard to see why, he’s entertaining, funny, and has a lot of mystery about him. Something for everyone within the fandom to enjoy. I has been said we’re going to see more of Alastor’s past in season two which I think is going to give us more insight into his intentions, because right now it’s clear he’s playing a bigger game than he’s letting on but he also has his own little deal that he’s not letting anyone else no about and if you mention it bad things happen. Just ask Husk. (Play the scene here)

Alastor in the finale loses his fight to Adam and afterwards has a mental breakdown where he’s singing in riddles and not giving us exact answers because of course not they don’t wanna make things too easy for us to figure out. Alastor is clearly shaken up and is now definitely looking to speed things up in his plan and break his contract with whoever’s leash he’s on. But he also is still going to have to keep up appearances by helping Charlie with the hotel and keeping his listeners convinced he’s the almighty radio demon. And Baxter might just be involved in his plan, either as an ally or as an hindrance depending on which way everything goes in. Let’s break it down.

Alastor likes to have control with what’s going around him including with the people, that’s one of the main reasons he makes deals with people, to ensure he’s the one with the power. With the arrival of a new face in the hotel Alastor is probably eager to see what he can get out of Baxter. Since that’s something Alastor does with people too, he doesn’t just keep someone around for nothing, most times it’s either to get something from them or just to keep up appearance as a “Nice guy”

One of my speculations comes from a moment in the finale. When Alastor’s staff breaks in his fight with Adam, then we see him have his solo in the finale song and his staff is still shown to be broken. Then he comes in at the end of the song he doesn’t have it with him. Now we aren’t exactly how Alastor’s staff works in the pilot its shown to be alive which I’m not sure is still a thing but I think it’s a pretty safe bet that Alastor probably can’t fix it on his own since if he could’ve he probably would have before he returned to the main group to wrap up the song. So maybe after Alastor realizes that Baxter is quite intelligent, he goes to him to see if Baxter could possibly repair his staff for him, which Baxter might do as part of a deal they make for whatever hopefully plot relevant reason, because Alastor threatened him to do so, or maybe just out of mutual respect.

Because I think Baxter and Alastor might become relatively close with each other. I’m not saying they’ll be friends but they might come to some kind of partnership or alliance for both of their benefits. It could start with Nifty telling Alastor about Baxter (Since it’s been shown the two are actually kind of close with each other, though with Alastor it could be all fake) which could bring Alastor to the idea to make use of having Baxter around the hotel but then Alastor come to realize he actually doesn’t mind Baxter as much as everyone else in the hotel. Think about it, everyone in the hotel wants to become closer with each other and Alastor is usually having none of it. Since he likes to keep his cards close to his chest as they say. Especially with more bubbly and cheerful characters like Charlie, Nifty, and Frank around the hotel always trying to get closer to Alastor and figure him out. Even with less cheery characters like Angel, Husk, and Vaggie they all are kind of trying to figure Alastor out and get a read on him. I can imagine Alastor getting sick of all this but of course not directly saying it to any of them under most circumstances to keep up appearances with characters who he has trust with.

Alastor might find Baxter to be a refreshing change since he’s said to be very introverted and prefers to work alone. Baxter reads to me as the kind of guy who won’t bother you as long as you don’t bother him, Alastor could find this nice and see that Baxter has the potential to be a good ally. But at the same time, Alastor could also view Baxter as a threat to his plan and try to bring Baxter down in whatever way he can. Which brings me to my next speculation.

Chapter #6 Why did Baxter come to the Hotel?

Everyone in the hotel came to the hotel for a reason whether they claim something different or otherwise. Vaggie is there to support her girlfriend, Lucifer is there to support his daughter, Angel Dust claims to be staying there so he had somewhere to live where he didn’t have to pay rent but to me he’s there to try and redeem himself so he can try and break his contract with Valintino, Husk and Nifty came because of Alastor, and Alastor claimed to come there for the entertainment and to help Charlie succeed, though no one there is completely buying that story. Baxter claimed that he came to the hotel to study redemption but I’m not going to take that claim at face value because there is some evidence to push that Baxter isn’t there just to experiment with the idea of redemption but to also hide from something or rather someone.

We’ve been told that the Vees are going to be major antagonists in season two, we aren’t sure what they’re plan is but it’s clear they’ve now got their heads in the game. Now here’s the big speculation that I’m honestly surprised hasn’t been talked about more. What if Baxter used to work for the vees, specifically Vox. Now at first this might feel like a stretch but if you take a step back then it actually makes sense within the show. Remember that clip from season one episode two I wanted you to remember for later, well now it's time to discuss it.

In the clip of Vox spying on everyone we see Baxter on one of Vox’s screen and he appears to be in a place very similar to The Vee’s meeting place which we see in the same episode, now there’s no way to confirm it’s the Vee’s meeting place but you can't deny the similar wall coloring and the how similar the chairs look. Baxter also seems to fit the bill for a person who’d work for Vox because he has the dark and muted base colors with the brighter blue and red accents on him. Much like Vox and his other employees that we’ve seen. Baxter is also a sinner based on an aquatic life which also fits with Vox’s theme since we’ve seen Vox’s employees such as one that appears to be his assistant and he has a tail which looks similar to that of an axolotl or maybe a sting rays, either way it definitely looks like some kind of aquatic animal’s tail to me. This also fits with Vox because in his lair he has a giant tank where he has several of what look to be sharks but maybe some Hell mutation of them. To me it wouldn’t be to far fetched if maybe Baxter used to work as part of the science department at Vox tech, we haven’t heard of him doing much tech related work but that could be because we haven’t been introduced to him yet officially in the show and he very well may be versatile in his work with science.

Ok let’s entertain the idea that Bxter used to work for Vox and by extension the other Vees. What would that mean for the sake of the plot and storyline? It could be like the other case where the Vees sent sir Pentious to the hotel to act as a man on the inside to gather information on Alastor. But this doesn’t feel very likely to me. 1. Because the Vees probably wouldn’t be dumb enough to try doing the same thing twice, 2. The writer’s of the show probably wouldn’t be as uncreative to reuse the same idea twice for very similar characters. So why else would Baxter be at the hotel in this hypothetical scenario where he used to work for the Vees? Maybe it will help if we first try and figure out why Baxter no longer works for the Vees.

Because we can already rule out that Vox fired him, because let’s be real here. If the Vox wanted to fire Baxter he would use real fire, that and/or Baxter wouldn’t make it out alive. Since They themselves have said to shoot the lowest earners among their employees. So it’s likely the Vees didn’t willingly let Baxter go. It’s also pretty much known that The Vee’s own their Employees souls like all overlords, It’s pretty likely that if Baxter did work for Vox at some point then Vox would have owned his soul too. And if Vox has the same style as Valintino then he would have his employees sign a contract that confirms they own their soul or something along those lines. Maybe Vox just didn’t read his own terms and conditions and Baxter found a loophole somewhere in his contract that broke his deal with Vox setting him free. This doesn’t feel out of character for Vox because unlike Alastor he isn’t always looking at the bigger picture, rather he just tunnel visions onto one single thing and then the rest of the details just fly under his radar.

Baxter's motivation for breaking his contract with Vox isn’t too hard to figure out either, it’s pretty clear the Vee’s aren’t the best people and treat their employees horribly so it’d probably push Baxter to his breaking point and make him want to be free from them. What happened could be that after Sir Pentious and Baxter had their falling out, Baxter began to fall on hard times and when Vox found him and wanted to hire he probably immediately took the chance not knowing the risks of doing so. It’s a pretty common tactic among Overlords in Hell like people in real life to target people when they are most desperate or in vulnerable positions because they’re more likely to agree to whatever you want them to.

Now obviously the Vee’s (More specifically Vox) probably wouldn’t like that Baxter tricked them out of his contract so they’d probably want to get him back or eliminate him entirely to eliminate the risk of him telling the press about how horribly they treat the people who work for them or just how bad they are in general, which the only reason their current employees probably don’t do that is because they’re bound by contract. But Baxter isn’t, not anymore at least. So let’s say Baxter is now on the run, he’d definitely need somewhere else to stay and that’s why Baxter really came to the Hotel, think about it. There are a lot of powerful people in the hotel like Charlie, Alastor and even Lucifer himself so by putting himself next to some of the most powerful people in Hell now makes him have a protective wall around him because now that he’s a resident at the hotel everyone else is now obligated to protect him from the Vees. And as we learned from Angel dust he doesn’t even have to pay them to live there.

But now this creates another problem for Baxter, now that he’s living in the same place Sir Pentious used to live and we know how things went for Sir Pentious. Imagine what would happen if someone. Anyone in the hotel found out he had ties to the Vees, even if he uses the past tense it’ll look all too suspicious especially after what happened with Sir Pentious, the people at the hotel know that the Vees are known to do this kind of thing. But Baxter now doesn't work for them anymore in this scenario. Which he can use to try and convince the others they're wrong but it’s not guaranteed to work. Especially taking into account one specific character. I’ll give you a hint, his name starts with an A and ends with a Lastor. In case you don’t get it, that’s Alastor.

Chapter #7 The betrayal?

Now there’s a lot of Potential in this scenario if Alastor finds out Baxter used to work for Vees and by extension Vox. Since they’re rivals and while Alastor wasn’t very phased when Vox tried to pull this trick the first time, imagine it the second time after all of the events that happened. Alastor realizing he’s not the most powerful piece on the board and he can be bested, Alastor taking a liking to Baxter and asking him to repair his staff for him. Even if it wasn't at the front of his head, Alastor was likely building a connection to Baxter and maybe even a little trust. But now that he finds out about Baxter’s past with working for Vox, his enemy. Alastor is automatically going to assume that this a part in some grand scheme from Vox to takeover and possibly even end him. And after that confidence hit he took from Adam he’s going to be feeling extra defensive about himself and his safety.

Baxter would either be kicked out of the hotel or at the very least put on some kind of parol or house arrest in the hotel and since no one would really be sure if they can trust him. Meanwhile Nifty can be forced away from Baxter by Alastor because he wants to protect her, again we are not sure if Alastor genuinely cares for Nifty or she is just another pawn in his game. But either way Alastor could want as little to do with Baxter as a way to protect himself and his own plan, whatever that may be. And what do you know? You’ve got yourself a good old star crossed lovers story between Nifty and Baxter. This literally writes itself.

Chapter 8 The conclusion

To wrap this all up, I want to say that Baxter has the potential to be a key character in Hazbin hotel and whether or not any of my predictions, theories, or analyses come true. I’m sure Baxter is going to be a great addition to the cast of Hazbin Hotel.

Chapter #9 Bonus stuff

Wow, you’re still reading. I’m impressed. I was convinced no one would read this whole thing because of how long it is. So Thank you for reading my weird jumble of thoughts related to one of my biggest current hyperfixations. And now as a reward for making it this far, I give to you some random headcanons about Baxter that I just came up with or found on tumblr or other online platforms with but couldn’t find a way to fit into my predictions/theories. Enjoy.

Baxter headcanons

- Introverted as hell; mostly because he finds people confusing and hard to deal with, or people will find him off putting or weird and make fun of him for really just being himself. So for him it’s just easier to be on his own and maybe kind of lonely then have to put up with people he finds annoying.

- He has built up an immunity to several different types of poison and drugs while testing various concoctions of his and now enjoys the taste of some.

- If you’re nice and respectful towards him there is a much higher chance of him saying yes to doing something for you (Maybe why he agreed to help Alastor fix his staff).

- His hearing is a little impaired due to all of the explosions he’s been in from his experiments.

- Was most likely sent to Hell because he had no value for life and is willing to cross a lot of moral gray areas in his experiments.

- By extension of that, due to his analytical views and unsympathetic mindset, when asked what his favorite color is he’ll say “Morally gray” just because he finds other people’s reactions humorous.

- Would probably try to use the other residents of the hotel as test subject for his experiments before probably being stopped by Vaggie, the only person in the hotel who’d let him do experiments on would probably be Nifty (Because she’s got the hots for him and she’s a tiny bit psychotic).

- Whenever he gets an idea or realizes something his esca lights up (Like the old visualization or a light bulb lighting up above someone’s head when they get an idea).

- He also uses his esca as a headlight for when he’s reading or working.

- Does not understand the appeal of Angel Dust’s movies because of how there’s literally no characters, plot, or storyline established throughout any of them and he’s a Demisexual (I do not see this sexuality used enough in characters).

- Baxter doesn’t like drinking alcohol because he hates the feeling of his head not being on straight.

- He has developed something of a sixth sense for when someone’s about to touch something in his lab and will just say “Don’t touch that” with the most monotone voice to whoever is in his lab.

- Baxters crab carry on bag we saw in the teaser clip is named Clemmy.

- Sometimes lisps his Hs when talking because of the sounds anglerfish make. (I actually listened to a recording of anglerfish sounds before and they legitimately sound like underwater zombies)

-After going through various posts on Tumblr I have given the ship name, NeedleFish to Baxter x Nifty. (Credit to dolliezilla)

- Nifty calls him fishy as a term of endearment.

- Baxter has the worst vision without his glasses that he made for himself (Real angler fish are blind). Without his glasses he’ll bump into every and anything or anyone, cannot read anything, and he’ll trip over any obvious obstacle in his way.

- He’s a manners boy, he always calls everyone mister/miss, asks permission to leave the dinner table, and says “Please” and “Thank you” all the time.

-Baxter learned morse code when he was alive and since he’s pretty sure no one else in the hotel knows morse code, sometimes during group conversations he’ll tap his finger on some kind of surface and make comments about whoever he’s with. (But then later on Alastor figures out he does this and teaches himself morse code so he can translate what he’s saying, and honestly he just finds Baxter’s analyses of everyone to be hilarious).

Author’s note: So it's been a longtime since I’ve posted something this long and for that I am the sorriest. I’ve been going through a tough time lately and I didn;t have any motivation for a long while to write anything more than incorrect quotes. I promise I will upload a new Fanfic soon, but please let me know what you think of my theories/predictions/analysis and feel free to correct me anywhere if I made a mistake or to add your own thoughts into this one sided conversation. Thank you guys for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day/night/anything else.

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netherfeildren · 1 year ago

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Someone's Wife in the Boat of Someone's Husband .2

Series Masterlist : Moodboard

(Joel Miller x F!Reader)

Rating: Explicit 18+

A/N: Art is Body, the Texture, Seung Ah Paik, (2008-2009)

Word Count: 4.8K

Read on AO3

I mean maybe I was holding all of the aces, but what was the game?

Joan Didion, Play It As It Lays

Gerri’s sister, Andrea, makes a wonderful dinner that night, linguine with mussels in a white wine sauce, a tossed salad, and several bottles of a lovely and crisp Pinot Grigio. By all accounts, it should have been a perfect evening. Friends and family in a beautiful setting. The day had been warm and lazy and seemingly perfect on the surface, but the underlying vein of tension was inescapable and un-ignorable. A huge drama had unfolded when you’d come back inside the house from the dock earlier. Eva was up in arms that Joel hadn’t brought you in immediately after the sting, said that he had no business tending to you when you were hurt and there was a doctor present. She’d even gone as far as to suggest that perhaps, if you felt too unwell, you should head back to the city, for a fucking wasp sting. Gerri had stepped in at that, said that it had been her sister who’d rented the house, and thus, was the only one who had the right to suggest when anyone should or should not leave. A screaming match had ensued. No one had really stopped to listen when you’d said that you really were fine.

The seven of you now sit quiet and awkward at the dinner table out on the deck facing the dark and serene lake. A gorgeous setting with a terribly dark cloud hanging over all of your heads. The conversation is stilted and forced and there is a palpably bitter ball of tension being tossed back and forth between Joel and Eva. Sharply spit whispers and murmurs under their breaths as they sit across from you. She keeps rolling her eyes and clicking her tongue at him every time he tries to join the conversation Gerri’s been fighting tooth and nail to keep going.

Ger’s best friend, who was supposed to have joined the weekend so that you’d not be the seventh wheel, had canceled last minute, and so you now sit at the the far end of the table across from the happy couple, trying your best to drown your awkwardness and the memory of Joel’s mouth on your skin in as much wine as you can guzzle as quickly as you possibly can. Light-weight or not, these are dire circumstances, it calls for desperate measures.

The tension between Gerri and Eva wasn’t much better, and by extension between her sister. The three of them reminded you of the angry wasp from earlier, waiting to see who’d strike first. Everything about this was filling you with a type of anxious fizz that has the nape of your neck breaking out into a cold sweat and the backs of your knees itching. You want to run to your room, get all your shit, and run away from this place and these people as quickly as you can.

And then fucking Joel. Part of you wants to kick him on the shin under the table as hard as you can. What was his problem, helping you like that, touching you like that, calling you sweetheart, putting his goddamn mouth on you? Fanning the flames of this terrible, horrible, life ruining crush you’re developing on him? Perhaps this is the wine talking, but it feels like he’s slowly consuming your mind like wildfire. The feel of his hot, wet mouth, the slide of his tongue over the sensitive center of your palm, it’s all you can think about. You can’t stop picturing what it might feel like between your legs, over the tips of your breasts. He’d said he’d be gentle, but you have the uncontainable thought that that’s the last thing you want him to be with you.

You really hate yourself. This has to be classified as some flavor of masochism or something, you sitting across from him and his wife as they have a covert fight, all while you’re imagining what it’d be like for him to lick your pussy.

Yes, definitely a masochist.

He hasn’t uttered a single word in the past half hour or so, but you’ve been watching him out of the corner of your eye. You’re trying to be discreet, but you’re pretty sure you’re failing, and you can feel the bright, hot flush of the wine broadcasting itself on the surface of your cheeks like a blaring sign. He looks so good. His hair is wet from the shower, slicked back, and he has a slightly red flush from the sun today across his cheeks and the bridge of his strong nose. And he’s so broad, the sleeves of his button down straining with the thickness of his biceps. Your mouth feels parched, like there’s fire crawling up your throat, writhing within the confines of your arteries, licking up the notches of your vertebrae.

You should go home. You should get away from these people. This was a mistake. And yet you do not. You remain, for some inexplicable reason. Masochist, masochist, masochist. A girl who likes things that aren’t good for her, that will only hurt her.

You can’t help but think there’s something strange in the way that the two of them circle each other, in the way they exist around each other. Like two opposing magnets – connected by something, some sort of sameness, but constantly repelling each other, at the same time. You can’t say, quite precisely, what it is, perhaps, the undercurrent of hostility they move around each other with, as if at any moment someone’ll swipe out with sharpened claws, go for the jugular, but also, almost slowly, lagging, as if they are very tired of fighting such an interminable fight. You recognize something in them, and it isn’t until this moment, with you sitting across from them on the universally familiar battleground that is a family dinner table, that you’re able to realize what it is – a marriage filled with nothing but unhappiness and resentment.

They remind you, very much, of your own parents.

With age, you now thought that whenever people spoke of love, they were rarely ever speaking of real love. Most of the time it was a shroud for power or fixation or loss. Life has taught you this, your parents have taught you this. In many ways, you are now teaching yourself this. After all, all of these things most usually serve as the true center of what a romantic relationship posed as. Maybe. Or maybe you’re wrong. Too jaded – too gnarled. But when you look at these two people sitting before you, when all you can see in them is the bitter, ghostly reflection of your own parents, all it does is reinforce that idea.

Joel’s eyes are a little blank, as if his mind is very far away from here, as Eva goes on about her new project at work, but you watch that little, fluttering muscle in his jaw from earlier make its frustrated return. If he grinds his teeth any harder you’re worried he’ll crack them. Gerri and Tommy have been having some sort of silent conversation for the past few minutes, she kind of looks like she’s beating him up with her eyes, screaming at him to do something to make this dinner even the slightest bit more bearable. His jokes are terrible and keep falling flat which you find quite funny, even though no one else seems to. Andrea’s girlfriend got up to go to get another bottle of wine like twenty minutes ago and never came back.

Joel has his left hand resting on the table beside his plate, the other hidden below the edge. His fingers are long and thick, the nails trimmed neatly. He keeps stretching his hand open, and rotating his wrist to the side, back and forth, as if he’s stretching the muscles in his forearm out. His ring finger and thumb come together intermittently to meet and he rubs them together slowly, slowly. You sit across from him, chin cupped in your palm and watch the slow caress of those two fingers, eyes slightly glazed. Your legs beneath the table are crossed at the knee, thighs pressed together as tightly as you can.

Eva’s been going on for the past half hour about someone on her team who, she claims, is the best insurance agent she’s ever met in her entire career. Impressive. You think you must scoff or make some sort of unconscious sound, lost in your daze staring at his hand, because she turns to you suddenly, abandoning her tirade to bestow her critical eye on you. Your knee jerks beneath the table, bumping against the underside and rattling the dinnerware on the surface. You feel the wine flush deepen at her inspection. You hadn’t really contributed much to the conversation throughout the evening, feeling too out of place and anxious to think of something interesting to say, too distracted by the sight of him.

“You know,” she starts – her voice has a deceptively guileless lilt to it that you think people must find incredibly charming when the look in her eyes isn’t calling for blood. “You’re a little quiet. Don’t have much to contribute, do you?” she purrs.

You clear your throat once, twice, you hear Joel spit her name under his breath, and Gerri says something from the end of the table, but a white, rushing noise is filling your ears suddenly. She sounds very familiar. You clear your throat again, “I was just really enjoying hearing all about what it’s like to sell insurance,” you tell her. “I didn’t want to interrupt.” You hear Gerri snort loudly from the other end of the table. Sometimes you could have a backbone, if you tried very, very hard.

She hums, arches a thin eyebrow at you. “Gerri says you’re single. That you’ve been unattached for quite some time.” You hear Gerri try to interject again, but Eva cuts her off, continues her set down. “Maybe that’s why you still haven’t found someone yet. No man wants a mouse, you know.” She clicks her tongue and it makes you flinch. You can’t look away from her, it’s like you’re sitting across from a ghost. Even the cadence of her voice reminds you of your mother. When you grow up with an angry parent in your house, there will always be an angry parent in your house, and you are acutely reminded of that in this moment.“Some people might think you’re boring if you’re not careful. Don’t you agree, Joel?” She turns to him, wide grin stretched across her face, and you feel your eyes burn, backbone obliterated, back at your parent’s dinner table.

“No, I don’t agree,” he says coldly. “That’s enough, Eva.” She ignores him.

She cocks her head at you, “Could be somethin’ to work on,” she says sweetly.

“Joel, think it’s time for you two to say good night, don’t you?” Tommy says from the end of the table.

You try to say that it’s alright, but you think you might’ve accidentally swallowed your tongue in your plight to find your voice. Joel stands suddenly, his chair jostling violently with the abruptness of his movements and clasps her around the elbow, pulling her up with him. “Yeah, we’ll say good night now, everyone.” She goes along with him, laughing loudly.

“Goodnight,” she sing-songs, as he drags her down the hallway.

That little girl you’d used to be, the one who always needed to make herself lovable, amenable, good, surges up sharp and vicious inside of you at her words, at the uncomfortable look of embarrassment in Joel’s eyes. He couldn’t even look at you, his eyes trained uncomfortably on his plate. All the care and generosity in his gaze from the afternoon cast away in the face of his wife cutting you down and your inability to defend yourself, your pathetic meekness.

You turn to look out at the dark water, close your eyes and take deep breaths to ease the tightness in your throat. Gerri says your name softly. You swallow once, twice, clear your throat, swallowing the humiliation. You force a smile onto your face and turn back to her, roll your eyes, “It’s okay.” You try to huff a laugh.

“It wasn’t – I’m sorry about that,” Tommy says. He looks just as embarrassed as Joel. You want to leave so, so badly. Perhaps this need to always run is just another inheritance from your mother. Just one more terrible burden, in a long line of disappointing inherited traits, that she’s left you with.

“Tommy, really—”

“No,” he says sharply, letting his fork clatter onto his plate. Gerri says his name softly, you see her put her hand over his clenched fist on the table. “They’re unhappy. She’s unhappy — so she tries to cast the net of her misery around the rest of us – trap us in it with her. Make us all as uncomfortable and as miserable as she is.”

“I know — I can see that. That’s why I’m saying, it’s okay. I understand.”

But you don’t think he hears you, he goes on, “And she’s got my brother trapped there with her.” He looks at Gerri now and you can see all the worry and anguish he carries for Joel in his gaze, a little helpless. “I don’t – I don’t really know how to help him anymore.”

“Baby, it isn’t on you,” Gerri tells him gently. “All you can do is be there for him.”

Tommy turns back to look at you, and for a moment, the helplessness seems to have turned to contemplation, for some reason, as he tells you, “I just want him to be happy.”

Joel lays in bed hours later, arm propped under his head, unable to sleep. Eva’s in the room next door with Sarah. They’d slept in separate rooms since the start of their marriage. Neither of them had ever considered the alternative, and he’s especially grateful for that right now. He has the window cracked open, and the cool breeze is soothing on his overly hot skin. His cock is hard and throbbing under his boxers, and he wants nothing more than to call your face to his mind and fuck his palm right now, but he knows he shouldn’t. That if he does it once, he’ll never be able to stop again, will use your face to fuel his fantasies forever afterwards. He can’t stoop that low. He’s not that desperate. Not yet, at least.

And he’s angry right now too. So fucking frustrated at his wife and her attitude and the things she’d said to you at dinner. And most of all, frustrated at himself. Frustrated at the fact that he hadn’t said something more to defend you, that he hadn’t prevented that terrible look of shock and hurt from crossing your face. He should’ve stepped in sooner, said something more, stood up for you. He could tell that it was difficult for you. But he’d been a little taken aback at Eva’s words, at the venom in her tone. He knows she doesn’t have any sort of real problem with you, specifically. He can see through the shroud of bitterness to the heart of the issue at hand which is nothing more than what it always is, that she’s reaching the end of her line – been too stagnant for too long, stuck around with him and Sarah for too long. She’s unhappy and she wants to leave and she’s lashing out because of it.

He knows she just needs time to come to that on her own, to gather the resolve to abandon her daughter and finally leave the way she wants to. He also knows that this will be the last time. That after this, after she leaves this time, she’ll be done with them for good, but also, that he can’t let her continue this. He needs to set a boundary for himself, but more importantly, for Sarah. She cannot watch her mother come in and out of her life, whenever she pleases, forever. There needs to be some sort of structure to their life, to their relationship, it’s his responsibility to make sure she has that.

So, for now, until Eva comes to this decision on her own, he’ll put up with her venom and her attitude and her lashing out at him, but at him, not at you or anyone else. You don’t deserve for the misery of his life to spill over onto you. You don’t deserve that, you’re too good for that. Too good for him.

He’s also really fucking frustrated that his cock is hard right now. That he’s such an idiot that the confirmation that you’re single had filled him with an inappropriate amount of relief and satisfaction, that if he isn’t careful and conscious of his thoughts and his body and his proximity to you at all times, he’s almost always verging on being halfway to hard in your presence. Like some horny, desperate, perverted old man. But he can’t help himself. You’re just too pretty. And now that he knows how soft you are, that he’s held your small hand in his, that he’s gotten close enough to be able to smell that subtly sweet scent that envelops you at all times, well, he’s practically a lost cause. Putting his mouth on you today, tasting the salt of your skin, fucking Christ, he shouldn’t have done that. He can never do it again, should never get that close again. It would be, he thinks, extremely easy to lose control of himself with you.

But he also thinks, despite this very aware notion he has that he should keep his distance, that he wants to find any excuse, any at all, to be close, to get closer to you. Maybe he should go apologize. Maybe he should go and say something about tonight, tell you how sorry he is for his wife’s words, for his lack of thought to speak up for you in the moment, to ask you how your hand is, if you’re in pain, if you need anything. Yes, he thinks, he most definitely should do that. It would be the right thing, the polite thing. It’s almost necessary, he finds.

This was a mistake. He knows he shouldn’t be here, he knows this is a bad idea. Dangerous in a way crafted specifically by himself to hone in on his own weaknesses, strike where he’s most vulnerable. Fucking self sabotage and self flaggelation, all at the same time. He lifts his fist to knock quietly anyways. Fuck what he should do, what about what he wants?

You take a long moment to answer, he can hear your shuffling and movement through the door. You were probably in bed, maybe you were asleep already, maybe he’ll get to see that soft, intimate look of sleep in your eyes. Maybe he’ll be so lucky.

“Joel – is everything okay?” Your voice is cracked and gravelly, and you try to inconspicuously wipe away the stickiness of your slick on your hand on the back of your sleep shorts, wind the long sleeves of your soft sweater over your fingers to hide the evidence of the fact that you’d just had three of your fingers stuffed to the knuckle inside your wet cunt, trying to make yourself come at the thought of him. What the hell is he doing here right now?

You plan to never see him again after this weekend, you’ve decided. You’ll tell Gerri you can’t be friends anymore, if need be, as much as it’ll devastate you. This is too risky, you feel at risk in his presence. There is something, some terrible sense of dread you’re filled with, a fight or flight instinct, the sense of prey right before it’s taken out by a larger, stronger predator, but some sort of instinct is telling you something very bad will happen to you if you stay anywhere near this man. That he’ll make you feel things you’ve never before felt in your entire life.

“How’s the hand?”

You almost choke. “Wh– what?”

“The sting?”

“Oh–” you’re trying to control your breathing, the stuttering of your heart from the interrupted orgasm, paired with his presence here right now has you close to hyperventilating, “Oh, it’s fine – thank you.” Your cunt is tight and throbbing painfully.

“Doesn’t hurt anymore?”

“No,” you lie.

He shakes his head a little, gives you the gentle curve of his crooked smile, “Don’t gotta lie, sweetheart.” Your heart drops at how easily he sees through you, has your throat tightening into a knot. The reprimand at the pet name catches in your throat. After the humiliation at dinner, the tears you’d shed in the shower, the feeling of being too emotional, overly sensitive, of not being able to just brush off someone’s offhandedly cruel words, your inability, even after all these years, to develop thicker skin – it’s hard to cast away the slight comfort. Even if you know it’s wrong.

“Your wife?” You need to remind the both of you about her, in this moment. It feels very precarious, set on the edge of a cliff, for some reason. Perhaps because of how soft his old t-shirt looks, his low, gravely voice and messy curls, the late hour – the fact that all you’re wearing is an oversized sweater and sleep shorts and that your cunt is wet and swollen.

“Asleep with Sarah.”

“Oh, she’s–” you cut yourself off abruptly, none of your business.

“We don’t uh –” he stutters, a blush creeping into his cheeks, “We don’t st– stay together.” He blinks rapidly, looking down at his feet. The fringe of his lashes is long and thick.

“Oh… okay–” you can’t think what it is you’re supposed to say to that, but you’re filled with a terrible sense of premonitory dread. He’s trying to establish something now, between the two of you, you think, explain something to you about the dynamic unfolding here and the one between himself and his wife.

“I wanted to apologize – again.” He looks back up at you now. “I’m sorry for dinner. We were incredibly rude to you.”

“You weren’t rude. You didn’t say anything.”

“Exactly. I should have said something more. I’m sorry for that.”

“That’s not what I meant. You– you don’t need to defend me from your wife. That – that isn’t–” That isn’t right, you want to say, but the words fail you.

“Maybe so – but I should’a done it anyway. She was out of line, and I’m apologizing for it now.”

“Okay–” He looks away then, peers down the dark, quiet hall. Fuck, he mutters under his breath. This feels wrong. You wonder if your mother ever felt this anxious heaviness inside of her right before she did something she knew she wasn’t supposed to.

“We– we don’t have a conventional marriage,” he says then, spills the words in a rushed tumble. His embarrassed blush flares brighter, and you squeeze your eyes shut, hold on to the door’s edge for support, like he knows, perhaps, that he shouldn’t be going here with you but feels the need to tell you this anyways.

You blink rapidly, the dread in your gut churns violently. You shouldn’t be hearing this right now. The two of you shouldn’t be standing here at the door of your bedroom in your pajamas having this late night, hushed conversation. You tighten your grip on the door.

“I – I don’t follow.”

“It’s, well – I don’t –” a frustrated huff, “We’re not really… together.”

You scrunch your nose at him, “It’s – it’s open?”

He frowns, shakes his head confusedly, “What?”

“You have an open marriage – an agreement to see other people?”

He passes a palm over his mouth. “Oh – I – I guess, yes. That’s – well, she does. But it wasn’t an agreement or anything.”

This is what Gerri had alluded to, you realize. “She cheats on you?” Too harsh, but you need to be clear now, on what it is he’s trying to make you understand. Although you’re not sure why, why you feel you need this clarity. You’re treading extremely dangerous water here, surrounded by the violent sharks of your history.

“Well, I wouldn’t call it that either. I don’t–” he laughs bitterly, “I don’t feel cheated. That’s not what it is. We don’t have a close marriage or… I guess a real one, I don’t– I don’t know what to call it – an intimate one, I suppose. We aren’t really together, in a true sense.”

“Why– why not?” Looking at him, you can’t imagine how anyone could ever not want to be close to a man like this.

He leans against the door frame, crosses his arms across his chest so his biceps bulge, and it brings him in slightly closer to you. Your mouth feels so dry, parched. “Different reasons, incompatibility. We never – we were never in love or anything. We got married for Sarah. It was complicated, I guess.” He frowns, “And then we just did it, and now this is how we are.” He shrugs.

“Okay…” you say slowly. You lean against the door now too, rest your head against the smooth grain, prop one foot on top of the other. If you shift your knee forward just a few inches you’d bump his leg. You want to ask him why he’s telling you this, to put him on the spot in a sense, but you know why. You know why he’s saying these things to you. There is, against all odds, against all rationality, logic, morals, fear, there is something here, between the two of you. You’re afraid, you carry your baggage on your shoulders like the weight of a mountain, like the weight of a lifetime of fear and abandonment and painful longing, but you aren’t stupid or blind. You know there’s something unspoken blooming here between the two of you, intentional or not.

“Okay,” he says back to you, equally slowly. His eyes shift between yours, the look in them, so soft and warm. Kind eyes, he has kind eyes. Honest eyes, despite what’s happening here now. Despite the fact that even though you know it should feel dishonest, it doesn’t, not really. “Just wanted to tell you that.”

“I understand,” you tell him, because you do. You do understand.

“And to apologize.”

“You already did that.”

The gentle curve of his smile, “Again, then.”

You can’t help but smile back, “Apology accepted.”

“And to check on that hand.”

You hold up your open palm for his inspection. “I think I’ll live.” And then he brings his own hand up, without your expecting it, and catches the thin of your wrist on either side by two thick fingers, gently brushes his thumb against the prominence of the bone at your joint. He nods his head tightly, jaw clenched once again, and then lets you go.

“You have to,” and you think he means it in jest, but he says it so seriously, the look in his eyes so direct, but also…sad, slightly sad or desperate or something you can’t fully identify, that causes the joke to fall flat, has the muscles in your throat tightening painfully.

“I’ll try.” You can’t tell what it is you’re promising to try to do. To live? To stay away from him? To let him come closer? Does it even matter? Is the act of trying wholly futile already? In some insane way, it feels like it is. As if what’s going to happen is already set in stone and nothing either of you do or don’t do will be able to change the course.

The thought terrifies you.

He’s quiet for another beat, the two of you just looking at each other. You wish you could press your front to his, feel his breath push into your belly with each one of his inhales, fit your nose to the space behind in his ear, where the scent of him is strongest, and breathe him in, memorize him. You think you’d like to know everything about him. What his favorite meal is, what books he likes to read, what his parents are like, what music he listens to, what his favorite thing to do with Sarah is.

None of that information is yours to have though, so all you’ll take from him now is his unnecessary apology.

“Goodnight, Joel.”

He nods once, pauses, twice, swallows. He doesn’t want to go. He’s telling you this with his silence and his lingering, but then he lets his eyes flutter shut and nods once more, slowly this time, and you watch another swallow pass through the strong column of his throat.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” You don’t correct him this time either.

Chapter .3

Netherfeildren's Masterlist

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