#dealing with my mental illnesses by talking about fictional characters'!!

[oswinsdolma]

iejust saw a post by @emrys-merlin aboit the scene where merlin summons the butterflies in s5 but i didn't want to hijack so i'm here

there is something so fucked up about how, in that moment, when he could have done anything, merlin summons not just beauty, but butterflies. butterflies who live as larvae and caterpillars, only to cocoon themselves before they emerge, metamorphosed into something fleeting and beautiful. because that, i think, is what merlin wanted to be. the incubation of destiny had been stretched so far, he was dying for the final act, for the deliverance of that destiny that had remained a constant hypothetical at the end of the line. and it's because this scene is so full of hope, not for destiny, but for humanity.

do you know how long butterflies live? it varies between species but on average, few tend to live longer than a month. when we look at butterflies, we are struck by their intense beauty and grace, but if you think about that, it's all over before it began, all those weeks, in some cases years, of living as half formed versions of themselves thrown away for a brief flash of life before it ends. when merlin summons the butterflies in the cave, you could argue it foreshadows the final episode, that brief moment of acceptance, blooming bright and the culmination of everything that has ever happened between them, but all of this is painfully eclipsed by the shadows of mortality. all of that build up little more than tragic beauty.

but there's more than that, because there's more to the story than that. arthur dies, but merlin lives, perpetuating their story through the ages and watching as his friends turn from memory to legend. then there is gwen, who takes arthur's foundation and keeps camelot alive. and from this perspective, the butterflies seem less tragic than just quietly sad. because a butterfly's strange, wretched existence is one thing merlin will never have. he wants it so badly, to once again have a soul that was human, finite and wonderful, but he cannot. the destiny he wanted most for himself was the one he could never have. and i think this represents the quintessential dilemma of merlin: he constantly treads this dichotomous line of who he is and who he should be, never quite able to make a choice between the two. his humanity is intrinsically linked with his destiny in that he needs it to care about arthur, but it is also what prevents him from seeing the larger picture. he is constantly poised between longing for mortality and duty to stay, and he envies the beauty of the butterflies, freed from destiny and alight from being alive. and in that moment in the cave, maybe the release of those butterflies is the release of a final dream, an elegy to a future that was and a duty ignited once again. it's a choice of who, and what, he intends to be.

it's easy to forget, amongst all that though, that while we can read the butterflies as a literary device, to merlin, they are just hope. something lovely borne from the monstrosities of the world. and of course there is something deeply pongiant about the way he does this, an expression of that humanity within, but i think that to himself, the butterflies are almost a promise. his future may be endless and futile, his destiny doomed and eternal, but there is something so powerful in his refusal to forget the memory of mortal beauty, to look at the patterns of the wings on a butterfly and see in its soul a reflection of your own. because the cave is, essentially, a metamorphosis, but not in the way he hoped it would be, his destiny not a brilliance of life, but an eternal vigil. though there is no degree of denial anymore, what the butterflies represent here is defiance. defiance in the face of horror and death, and a promise of vibrant beauty despite the listlessness of an eternal life. the butterflies are his memories, tinged by their finity but beautiful in what they were, and that will never go away. in the end, merlin doesn't put his feet down on the side of humanity or fate, beauty or death, but marries the two with his hope. a fragile butterfly borne from miracles into a new age.

[parsleymusic]

the urge to respond to critique about portrayal of unpolitically correct attitudes or phrases or actions or whatever in regards to mental illness with "what if I told you that it's not my job to tell my readers that when my character says stuff like 'my binge eating disorder is not as bad as my brother's bipolar + PTSD combination; he has to win at something' that it's Bad and the Wrong Attitude to have when it's largely a tongue in cheek joke about living with mental illness and watching the people you love experience a different flavor that is also worse

[sk3tch404]

Yandere Donnie Darko Hcs

A/n: I finally came around to watching Donnie Darko while I was styling my hair this morning. It was so good and omgg HIS CHARACTER!!! Love it 💜 What he voices in where he rebels against authority resonates with me in the most honest and straight up sense, it's crazy.

CW: Characterizing of psychosis without research (I am in no way claiming this is how individuals who suffer some psychosis or with schizophrenic symptoms act or feel like. This is simply a work of fiction and how I see Donnie's mental state affect the scenario), Donnie is actually very tame here except for his obvious criminal record and acts of violence, and YALL HES A MENTALLY ILL TEENAGE BOY so he's a lowkey soft okay. Y'all see him with Gretchen? So caring and passionate ugh, love him sm. <33 I try to write as close to canon as possible, but sometimes that leads to really soft yans and I kind of doubt my writing. Despite that. I like to think that not all yanderes need to be possessive killing machines in order to fit into the troupe. Everyone's got their own way of dealing with obsession, and so I think I did decently with this one lol.

Proof read a few times, so sorry for wordy/run on sentences and possible wonky grammar.

I feel like Donnie is very observant and patient with his darling. He's quite analytical for a teenage boy which leads him to take time to consider the variables that weigh within your possible relationship.

Donnie is still an awkward kid, so dont be surprised when you accidentally find him staring at you for a considerable period of time in class. In school, he doesn't approach you, seeing as the setting is already suffocating enough. He'd try to catch you after school or when you two have a little bit of privacy.

He's kinda shy and clumsy at first glance--- too talkative in his speech and self-aware of his minor fuck ups. Over time, he'll be more open to what he wants with you. Donnie might not really understand how to handle love and all of its complexities, but hell try really hard to make it work.

Yeah, y'all saw how fast he dived in for that kiss in the film?... Embarrassing, but it's true that he's quite excited to show his affection for you. He'll be "so chill with it," and he is to an extent--- not too clingy at all--- but when he's around he gives you guard dog privileges. Stays at your side and defends you from any brain rotting comments made from the guys around the neighborhood. Donnie isn't much of a fighter, but he's damn well capable of planning and executing a crime if it calls for it. One count of arson, another unaccounted for, severe property damage, and murder? Don't doubt it for one second that he won't consider further acts in the future to come.

His psychosis affects him directly when it comes to you--- as it also does with most things. He already feels so shitty with how things are going in his life, Frank voicing the many thoughts he has about you day to day stresses him further. Sometimes Donnie is scared Frank will convince him to hurt you as the countdown progresses. Despite that fear, he can't keep away from you.

This distress causes Donnie to rebel more often. As he spirals down the rabbit hole Frank keeps digging for him, the anxiety that follows with what will happen to you once the world ends lingers late at night in his bed.

Donnie's main love language is quality time. He walks with you from school and chills with you pretty much wherever. He's pretty book-smart, so he'll pitch in with your projects and homework assignments. His parents don't really seem like they care what he does most of the time, so if he's given the chance, he'll crash at your place for a few before they think he's off sleepwalking or some shit.

Donnie already knows he's slipping off the rails, placebo medication or not, Frank stays to stir the pot. He's almost scared, scared to death that you'll think he's an insane lunatic and he'll scare you off. But at the same time, why be scared if it's the truth? He has evidence, the book, and his own visions. That anxiety doesn't go away when he rambles on about the six-foot-tall bunny rabbit and how that thing has led him to the method of time travel.

You're just left there dumb founded as he stares on at you with that deadpanned look. Too late to back out now. World's ending and you don't got a boyfriend. Well, you got Donnie... and Frank's there too sometimes, but either way, you're all each other's got. You don't want to be alone do you? Donnie knows he doesn't.

He trusts you more than anyone else. Yeah he's on meds, and sure he's loony, but everyone knows that already; not that they seemed to care too much anyway. He feels like he can just exist with you around. All that pent up frustration with the looming guilt of his actions festering inside can be washed out like waves on a cold shore. Of course, it's not a cure-all, but it's damn nice compared to the bone headed friends he got and the tense dinner table back at home.

He has scratch paper in his drawers that are just filled with messy sketches of you. Not sure if he'd be the type to use sketchbooks, but he is pretty organized in his own room. Donnie just finds you so easy and beautiful to draw. Art block has nothing on this boy. He hates it when his sisters barge into his room and see any unfinished piece of you lying around. They tease him so bad about it, he wishes they'd just leave him alone.

"Ooo, is this the girl you're always wasting your time with?"

"No, gimme it. It's none of your business, and get out of my room."

"Geez, fine. Not like that's the freakiest thing you got in here anyway."

Donnie wouldn't be the extreme stalking type, but if he caught a glance of you, he wouldn't be able to look away. He'd also take into account what your daily patterns are as well as your likes and dislikes. He notices your little habits like if you constantly apply too much pressure to your mechanical pencil, making your lead break. He's always have had a passive opinion on the school uniform, but you made it look good, great even. Donnie likes it even more seeing you in street wear. He takes note on your style and even thinks of taking some inspiration from it to feel closer to you.

He's sensitive in places a teenager would be in most. He's irritable and closed off much of the time, even to you if it gets bad enough. Of course, it's not your fault usually. It only makes sense to be defensive in the case of anything he may perceive as a threat, even if that means any possibility of you breaking his heart.

Donnie may be a bit shy in his advances, but what he isn't is hesitant. He's quite bold in his thoughts and feelings. While he is afraid of your judgement in particular, he doesn't mind doing many things in front of you. Your collar is crooked, so let him just fix it up real quick. Talk about something that's got him thinking? He's letting his thoughts pour out like it's happy hour. He sees no issue in doing what he wants to, so if you're feeling unsure or nervous about something, he'll be the one to do it for you. Not many questions asked unless it's got his serious attention.

Kisses are passionate and deep. (Tbh when I first watched the movie I was like, "DAMN dont eat her face- shit.") I dont know if Donnie has had previous experience or not, but he's definitely got the enthusiasm. He tries to match your rhythm if you seem to have trouble following. Not too much tongue, but best believe he's devouring your lips like it's the last 6 hours in the universe. His hands are roaming around your body, feeling the dips and curves so cautiously because Jesus, you're just rocking his fucking world. If you tell him to slow down, he will. Donnie never wants to force you to do anything you wouldn't want to.

Words of affirmation aren't really a thing for him. If he says something to you, it was probably on his mind anyway. If you say "I love you" to him, he'd be almost stunned but wouldn't have a problem reciprocating that energy. He just felt like that connection between you two was already clear enough. No need to say it so directly. Although, it's nice. He really loves and cares for you. Would take a bullet for you--- cross his heart till he dies, all that sappy shit.

If you reject him, let's just say Frank and Donnie will be speaking more often. It pushes him off the edge. Frank isn't in Donnie's head just to do evil shit, but it's not like his presence doesn't perpetuate Donnie's behavior further. He wouldn't go on a killing spree or anything excessively violent like that. He'd be hyper-focused on the time travel aspect of his situation and become more forceful in his methods. He'd demand answers to make sense of all of it. To cope with the fact you didn't want him like how he needed you. Why didn't you like him enough? What didn't he do? Actually, what did he do? His mind feels like its on the brink of breaking as he tries to rationalize all the negativity in his life. He's already done too much, his world feels like it's collapsing in on itself before the actual day could even come. You were a majority of that world, and now it's just broken.

Donnie is so distraught and confused about his adolescent experiences, he almost doesn't know what to do. The only thing to do from then on is to focus on the countdown. Time travel, and how to fix it all. Otherwise, not only would he be left alone, but you would be too. Donnie wouldn't want that for you, not ever. Even with all the pain and frustration stowed away inside his still beating heart, he would never wish to hurt you; one of the only people on Earth who didn't suck so much as everyone else did.

[kindlespark]

dropout discord HATED my friend and I for saying the same thing thank you for talking about kipperlily being manipulated because holy shit

lol i believe it it’s nasty in dropoutcord and im sorry you had to deal with that. i seriously do not think brennan was careful enough about writing in teacher student dynamics in fhjy because like. you cannot just introduce a subplot where a teacher coerces/kills several students under their care and then not address it at all as part of said students’ motivations and be okay with condemning one of them to death. like the fact that he did not consider the subtext and implications of that genuinely makes me so mad 😭

like i personally dont give a fuck if kipperlilly “chose” the ragestar; her mental illness was being fed into by two adults in a position of power of her. there’s no other way to interpret the jaceporter/rat grinder dynamic and yet soooo many people ignore this so they can continue to spew vitriol about a fictional teen girl. out here exonerating the adult male imperialist to call a teen girl a bitch/cunt/whore/slut (ALL REAL TERMS I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE CALL KIPPERLILLY) but they think it’s okay if they put “white” in front of it

anyway. fhjy should’ve been about how children are failed by the school system and the adults around them. it adds tremendous depth to literally every character in the show—it gives the bad kids an emotional arc in sympathising with their foils, it makes the rat grinders deeply tragic, it makes jace and porter deeply threatening. like i rly srsly thought this is where they were going this whole time like 😭😭 how did we get here

[queentoji]

main for interactions + general posts - mdni

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[girlbowser]

How do you feel about the portrayal of plurality in Homestuck? Because it’s not good.

Cherubs are “supposed” to predominate over their other personality. With Calliope being portrayed as naive for trying to co exist.

Horuss is mocked for being a system. But I’d say it was a king fun of people who pretend to be mentally Ill on social media for clicks.

Then their are the sprites

okay so

i guess we're doing this

HOMESTUCK AND PLURALITY: A PRIMER

BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST THERES SO MUCH

SO SO SO MUCH

okay. so

homestuck is one of the best pieces of media of all time for plurality and i fuckin mean it. no shot do not pass go i have NEVER seen anything that is more built from the ground up to Support plural reads. like, to the point where it feels impossible to read homestuck without it.

as a work dealing with two huge primary themes of a) finding yourself/identity/growing up, and b) ideas coming to life, plurality is pretty much the Perfect intersection between the two of them. like.

take rose for example.

rose is plural and it's great.

when the doomed timeline evaporates, future dream rose does not actually "cease to exist." she ceases to exist as her own person -- her memories, experiences, personality, thoughts (or, as shorthand, her selfstuff) all flows back into rose prime. and that experience is just something rose has to roll with. one becomes two -- that other rose is still in her mind.

jade's plural and it's great.

when her dream self awakens as jadesprite, jade has a horrific argument with her. if you're plural i'm sure you understand. fighting with an age-regressed version of you, stuck in a traumatic past, who WONT FUCKING LISTEN -- we've all . been there.

she has involuntary barks, she can't stop seeing images of fire, she wants to go back to nonexistence but she doesnt want to die and it's torture,

and then in cascade, jade fuses with her.

dream jade is still in there. that part of her she has to grapple with is still real. her dog who she loves is in there, too -- but, yknow. woof

then grimbark gets forcefully introjected into her. i've seen a few fics play with the idea that the grimbark personality is still residually there (read ygtpoasu), but it's not a huge thing that's explored in the text. more backgrounded. but still! her crisis of identity is in there.

wanna know what's NOT backgrounded

tavros's plurality is like, a pretty big factor in his character!!!! it's one of the bigger points vriska uses to bully him with (because she's projecting because she's projecting because she's projecting, because she's also plural and kins mindfang), it's like. a big thing that he has to cope with and figure out.

kanaya suggested tavros treat his self-confidence as his own brain guy, like, completely sincerely. she genuinely thought it would help, and it sorta did!!!!!

and like

it is FAR from the only positive example of plurality in the comic.

like. look at sollux and aradia defending "alternate reality copies" of characters -- which can be pretty easily extrapolated to them talking about fictives

like. !!!!

i dunno, man. i think that homestuck is a DEEPLY plural story. you should read mtm and kgtac for more exploration of these themes. read detective pony too while you're at it. like.

i havent even TOUCHED on horuss or dirk or karkat here because there is just so much. there's so much! like ultselves. oh my god i completely neglected to talk about ultselves or cherubs or --

augh

but anyway here's The Screenshots from mtm

homestuck is, like, the single most fictive compatible fictional work i've ever read.

"oh im being sent to another universe as a brain ghost? that happened to my buddy dirk"

"oh im one of many incarnations of myself, and perhaps not even the most 'canon compliant' one? haha dream bubbles moment"

"ive been isekai'd into another world? lol sburb"

it. yeah. god. i could literally talk about this all day. but instead im gonna direct you to my ao3.

check out no metaphors and then scroll through the "multiplicity/plurality" tag on my page

and if youve got more specific stuff, send in another ask!

[gobbluthofficial]

I genuinely think the most upsetting thing about Umbrella Academy season 4 is how it treats Klaus' addiction and sobriety.

Klaus FINALLY gets sober and has a support system that actually cares about him. But this support system treats him like a burden. The only things Claire and Allison say about Klaus after he's sober and living with them is to talk about how much of a burden he is. I understand that supporting someone who's been an addict their entire life is hard. And I understand that it can be frustrating when they consistently deny help or relapse and always hurt you in the process. But they don't seem to be happy that he's gotten better! At all! Every time we see Allison or Claire interacting with or talking about Klaus, they're talking about how much they resent having him in their life. Allison is annoyed that he's living with them and bubble wrapping their whole house. Claire tells Allison that she needs to stop helping Klaus because every time she tries to help him, he just drags him down with her. When Klaus relapses, he snaps at Claire and it really upsets her.

And I understand these are real feelings and conversations people around addicts have! I have had these exact conversations in my real life! But this is fiction! And it is a story that has been building up season upon season of "The bad things that happen to you aren't your fault" and "Your family will always be there to support you"!

The only thing people are going to take away from this is "I shouldn't help the people I love when they're at their lowest because it will inconvenience me" or "I shouldn't ask for help when I'm at my lowest because it will inconvenience everyone around me."

And on top of that, the show equates his powers with his addiction. Believe me, I understand that having to hear dead people and have them follow you around all the time would make anyone want to start taking substances to get their mind off of it. I think it makes for an interesting and complex character! But it's an entirely different thing for Klaus to get his powers back and immediately fall back into addiction and drugs without seeing any sort of build up to it!

It just comes off as equating the way you were born with being destined to be an addict forever and there's no hope for you to ever get better. One could argue the Hargeeves' abilities work as stand ins for things like disability, mental illnesses, etc. but whether you look at it that way or not, the text is saying "Because of the way Klaus was born, he will forever be an addict and there is nothing anyone can do to help him because he is just destined to be this way." And then he dies! He dies because everything bad that has ever happened to him was his fault!

I've been around addicts all my life. They've hurt me and they've refused help and they've been hard to deal with, but I have also seen them get better! I've seen the most desperate and upsetting of situations get turned around and these people get back on their feet with the right support networks. And it really pisses me off that a huge show by one of the biggest names in entertainment can just show that these people are beyond saving and don't deserve help.

[little-miss-no-namee]

A fictional disease

part 2

There's a fictional disease that I started inventing when I was a child and it hasn't left my head since the day the idea started appearing, but I never talked about it with anyone because who would want to hear me ramble about a fictional disease that popped into my head? I hope you want :)

I called it ID (Ink Decay), but I hate that name so if anyone has a better name please let me know.

This disease develops randomly in the person's body, it causes the person's body to start producing a substance that looks like thick black ink, but chemically it is much more similar to a kind of acidic blood. Because of this acidity, your body has to expel this substance in some way so that it does not corrode your body from the inside out, and most of the time it is in the form of coughs, vomiting, "nosebleeds" and even tears depending on how bad the person's condition is. Expelling this substance is painful because your body is forcefully expelling something that has been developing inside you as if it were part of your body. The parts of the body that suffer the most are the lungs and stomach. Your body is trying to prevent you from dying, but it almost destroys you in the process.

Your body would not expel this substance all the time, only when it starts to pose a risk to your body and this happens when too much of this substance accumulates in your body, which can happen very often or little depending on the person. Stress can cause your body to decide that it has to expel this substance. After expelling this substance, the person becomes very tired and weak, mainly due to the pain it causes.

It is important to highlight that this disease is not exactly deadly, you die if your body gives up fighting against it, so the sick person must remain in good physical and mental health.

It is a chronic disease, a cure has never been found, but there are medicines to make the life of the person who has it easier and less painful, but unfortunately they are expensive. Medicines dilute the substance, making it easier and less painful to expel.

If you noticed some similarities with the ink disease from the comic BABTQFTIM it's because it really are, as this disease ended up having a lot of influence on the development of mine, since when I was a child and read BABTQFTIM for the first time I found the ink disease very interesting and I thought it would be cool to use some aspects of it in the disease I had invented. The aspect I got was the fact that the substance looked like black paint, before that the substance was blue and one of the main characteristics were blue spots on the skin, but I changed it from blue to black because I thought it looked cooler, I even have a very old drawing of a oc with the blue spots, I also had a story that I was writing with this disease, but I wrote it in a notebook that ended up disappearing.

There are many symptoms of this disease that are not fixed, like black spots on the skin similar to bruises, hallucinations can also be a symptom if you want to make the character's situation worse.

The disease could also develop due to a very strong trauma, but I find the fact that it develops randomly more distressing, like, you were just unlucky, anyone could have developed it, you were just unlucky that it was you :)

I like to think about how this illness would affect characters I like, if it would change them, if they would try to deal with everything on their own.Imagine a character who has to suffer more because he doesn't have money to pay for medicine, or a character who always seems to be in a bad mood and irritable, but that's just because he's in pain and trying to get by on his own because he doesn't want others to know.I have many other things I invented for this disease, but this post is already too long.

If you find it interesting and want to write something about this disease, please write and send it to me, I would love to see it :)

And if there is any fictional disease that already exists that looks like this, please let me know.

[youryanderedaddy]

Yeah some obssesive men can be misogynistic bc they think a girl is theirs and they shouldn'r reject them bc they are nice to them?

However i think some obsessive men would act possesive,regardless of gender and non-patriarchal ideas..

Anyways. It's hard to find smut or just one shots with yandere boys without misogynistic traits :( or if they plant the idea of one,ppl would still labeled as misogynistic.

But with female yanderes (bc sexism thinks girls can't do no wrong and aesthetic,romanticizing mental illness) they make sadistic girls look more appealing and cutesy gaze.

Like I just want enjoy my sadistic boys in peace and them to have some cutesy :(

Oh you just made me drop an essay. I have a lot of thoughts about this actually.

Tw for discussion of misogyny, rape, stalking, lots of incoherent talking too lmao

Most yandere characters in mass media are female. I have this theory that (mostly) men like yandere women in fiction because it's a reversal of the socially accepted gender dynamics where women are seen as weak, fragile or submissive. We need to take in account that the trope started in Japan where those gender roles are still very prevalent to this day, and to a male Japanese audience seeing a dangerous, powerful, dominant woman is a power fantasy. It's unusual, you know? For the "prey" to be the predator. In retro horror movies the victims are usually women while the killers are men. So it's absolutely shocking (revolutionary even) to see the roles reversed. Female stalkers, villains, obsessive women, in a way they're all reclaiming themselves in cinema and media, and allowing themselves to be possessive and jealous the way men have been for centuries IN REAL LIFE. I have nothing but respect for media that chooses to engage with that, be it horror or even romance. I think it's easier to have a nuanced discussion on female yanderes than on male because of the physical difference and the way society views criminals based on gender and appearance.

Society keeps telling us that women are to be desired, they're always the center of the desire (and objectification/sexualisation). With female yanderes this is reversed too - men get to be desired (obsessively so), they become the center of someone's sexuality, which is rarely the case in real life where male sexuality revolves about being the dominant figure in the relationship. It's a way for men to be submissive without having to face a society that emasculates and mocks them for this submissiveness. Or at least that's the way I see it. It's a very interesting topic.

With male yanderes, the conversation is entirely different. It's hard to write about them without engaging in some way with misogyny. You can't write possessive men without thinking about the very real life implications of those behaviors. 200 years ago women were still considered property, they belonged to the highest bidder. Even today hundreds of women are murdered because they reject men who can't handle rejection, or who view them as property. Of course there are cases where women kill their male partners out of jealousy or paranoia, but the reverse are much, much more common. It's very important in those topics to be able to distinguish between fiction an reality.

There is the other side of it all. Fiction is fiction. It can be anything. Fiction of course doesn't exist in a bubble, but it doesn't need to be realistic or even engage with the real world. You can have possessive men who aren't misogynistic or rapey. But I choose to look at all perspectives. I enjoy working with some realistic traits from time to time, and that often means dealing with unpleasant, sensitive real world topics like misogyny, rape, inceldom, assault, rape culture etc. I look at the yandere genre as a horror trope first, and as erotica second. I don't consider it romance - although some slight yandere traits can be used to create perfectly healthy male yandere characters, my writing isn't an example of that at all.

Those are my two cents, sorry for the rambling, but as a writer (and a feminist) I really find this topic intriguing. There are so, so many aspects to it, social, cultural, etc

[sancta-seraphina]

isn't holiest an apocalypse story? why don't you go in chronological order?

Hi Anon,

This can be a little tricky to explain, and the answer to your question is both yes and no. But we need to take a closer look at the apocalypse genres...

Apocalyptic literature is a genre of prophetic text in which information is revealed to someone by a divine messenger. It has been defined this way in particular, and also defined as the information being specifically about the end of the world, although I was taught this was not a requirement of it.

'Apocalypse' itself means 'revelation'���this is why we call the Book of Revelation also as the Revelation of John or the Apocalypse of John. There's also the Apocalypse of Abraham, the Apocalypse of Moses, and so many others... (although the Book of Revelation IS the only canonical apocalyptic text in the New Testament).

But there is also apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic fiction. Which is different, is probably what you're referring to, and is a sub-genre of science fiction dealing with cataclysmic, end-of-the-world scenarios.

Which is what my story is not, especially because I classify it as Biblical Horror (meaning horror related to/inspired specifically by the Bible and related scripture).

But Holiest is absolutely apocalyptic in nature in the first sense discussed, since it has divine entities revealing information to other characters (although Holiest is obviously not scripture and not supposed to be prophecy). And that happens all the time for this set of characters, who are all angels, fallen angels, and demons. It's a part of normal communication for them (but I can talk about Heaven and Hell's dynamic in another post).

The story itself is about what happens when a formerly divine entity can no longer figure out which visions are the commonplace/every day occurrences for him and which aren't. Over the course of his psychosis, he completely loses the ability tell the difference between, for example, his siblings contacting him in their divine ways, and his new and concerning hallucinations that are all based on the Revelation of John... because of this, he interprets his variously correct and incorrect visions as being portents of or even events of the end of the world. And things do get rather 'apocalyptic' in the cataclysmic sense towards the end. And oh yeah that character is the devil, who is kind of an important player in Revelation...

The answer to your second question about chronological order is because I didn't want to do it in order and because no one is stopping me. I wanted to go in reverse. I wanted to write my Revelation-themed mental illness story, and then to show the reader how my character got into that situation (The Harrowing), and then how he got into the situation before that (Heresiarch).

These novels can actually be read in any order, but I like them best in reverse. It was more fun for me that way.

[lauriejamesgrace]

okay so watching season three of heartstopper and seeing peoples reactions to it on like tiktok and shit have really got me thinking about my own experiences and habits of invalidating my own experiences

like the general responses ive been seeing are focussing on either 1. the emphasis of the importance of platonic relationships (which i really appreciate and value but thats not what im on about here), 2. charlies struggles with his mental health, and 3. nicks struggles with charlies mental health and all that jazz

and my first instinct when i see people talking about nicks struggles with it all is like?? shut the fuck up?????? its not about him??????? but the more i think about it the more im like wait no he is in a shit position!? it is hard as FUCK when someone you love is going through stuff like that and you just don't know what you can do to help?! and obviously this is all fictional lmao like the support of the viewers makes no difference to the actual characters but im still like he does deserve the recognition and support for what hes going through, because all he wants to do is try his best and help however he can, but theres not always anything you CAN do and that feeling of helplessness is almost unmatched

and then me having that whole thought process and realisation has made me reevaluate my attitude toward the whole 'dating someone struggling with mental illness' thing and THEn i was like well its not fair that i was diminishing those struggles to begin with!1!! and thEN i was like why did i have that mindset at all??? because im someone who has always made an active effort to have empathy and understanding for every viewpoint of anything i can possibly do so

but yeah then i just had to accept that it was because ive always been too hard on myself, because it definitely started with my first girlfriend who i wont go into detail but she was,, not well and i was dealing with things and putting the responsibility on myself, as her girlfriend, to keep her okay and alive even, at FAr too young an age to have any kind of responsibility for that. and i guess i just wish that id had been exposed to this attitude earlier? because seeing the amount of understanding from strangers on the internet for someone going through similar things to myself would have been endlessly helpful for my own mental health

i dont really know where i was going with this and thank you if youve bothered to read all my mindless rambling that would usually be in one of my many journals i just cba to write when typing is so much quicker and easier when my mind is moving this quickly, but yeah i guess my point with all this is just like

take care of yourself <3 like i know its an overused sentiment but like, being there for others that 'have it worse than you' doesnt mean that you dont also deserve a support system

i definitely have more to say on this but need to get my head straight before i can word anything more lmao but yeah be kind spread love employ empathy love u lots xoxoxo

[firelxdykatara]

it's actually infuriating in how audacious it is for antis to be like "Actually you nasty little proshippers stole what was a good phrase from the poor people with morality OCD" when they constantly make character judgments on what someone does and doesn't like. Like hm I wonder what actually has more of an impact on how people would view themselves....clearly it's the random orphaned ao3 fic found at 3am and not MY assertion that you're a Bad Person/An Actual Criminal (???) for writing this fucked-up thing not to mention how it's poisoned the well on actual conversations of how portrayals (esp of marginalized ppl) might reinforce existing societal biases. But they sure showed orphan_account on ao3!

Oh 100%, and I fully believe that specific genre of person heavily overlaps with the crowd that believes intrusive thoughts are just 'oh haha what if I ate that leaf on the ground' and not 'vividly imagining doing something horrible which is incredibly distressing because once you have the mental image of like, how easily you could do something nasty to a beloved pet you can't get RID of that picture in your head even though the very thought that it could happen makes you feel sick', since the way they talk about genuine intrusive thoughts and how some people may deal with them (via and outlet such as fiction!) is so harmful and dismissive.

Like yeah, great job, tell the person who struggles with POCD and related intrusive thoughts that just having the thought in their brains means they are an active danger to children, nevermind trying to deal with it through a harmless medium such as fiction where they can get the thoughts out of their brains without doing any harm to themselves or anyone else. That's sure to help and not make things a million times worse for them oh fucking wait.

And obviously like, enjoying these things in fiction even if you aren't trying to Deal With Shit (trauma, intrusive thoughts/OCD, etc) doesn't meant shit either (if someone behaves like a creep then that's one thing, but you can't actually predict 'creep' behavior from the fiction someone enjoys, sorry!), but the people who are dealing with mental illness, trauma, other similar issues via fiction are extremely vulnerable to the kind of damaging shame and self-hatred that anti rhetoric deliberately attempts to inject into fandoms, and that makes the claim that they're trying to 'protect' people laughable, because they don't give a shit about some of the most vulnerable people in fandom spaces and in many cases actively wish harm on them for not 'handling' their issues in a way antis find 'acceptable'.

And all of this is before you get into the fact that, like, yeah, some random fic on Ao3 might not handle its subject matter particularly well, but I can absolutely guarantee that there's some Hollywood blockbuster or major television series or extremely popular book that handles the same subject matter considerably worse. But the people involved in those are usually too rich and inaccessible to be harmed in the ways antis prefer to lash out, so they go after far more vulnerable targets so they have someone they can hurt.

It's bullshit from one end to the other and I am so. fucking. tired.

[ofinkandpaper]

A Changed World

Yandere!Villian!MHA x Reader

Hello! Finally, after nearly an entire year, I have finally finished chapter two with the gracious help and beta reading of @cupidcreates ❤️ So many things have been going on in my personal life and I really appreciate y'all's patience with this. Also, to clarify why I tag certain characters though they don't appear in a this chapter: they are referenced and are an important character to the story as a whole, so it makes it easier for me to keep track of what tags I should put on each chapter when they're all the same.

Note: The characters are aged up. As the story progresses, I will tag each chapter with respective trigger and content warnings, which may include mentions of murder, assault, cannibalism, stalking, torture, arson, terrorism, and other felonies, Yandere themes, Sexual assault, Mental illness, abuse. I do not own MHA nor do these personalities represent the writers, characters or VAs of the show. This is strictly fiction and for entertainment purposes only.

**Trigger Warnings: Implied Stalking/Being Watched

Word Count: 3,566

Taglist: @lolawassad @letskidaddle @youngbeansprout @bakuhoes-dumbass @cupidcreates

"Okay, so here's what I'm thinking." You glanced up from your computer for a moment, pausing in writing the few reports Tamaki had asked you for to give Kendo the small amount of attention you knew would be needed for her to continue talking.

Her casual drone, when comfortable, made for nice background noise and gave you a sense of peace.

"You could always move in with me! Sure, you may have to deal with Monoma every once in a while, but he's mellowed out a bit since we graduated so he isn't as much of a nuisance as he used to be." The thought made you scoff, but gave you a tiny bit of hope for the blonde man. Even with as much hate as he spewed at your fellow classmates, you had a small soft spot for him. As far as you could recall, you were one of the few that he had actually confided in when it came to his quirk insecurity - whether a copying quirk was a good fit for hero work or not, and not having much support about it in his childhood. Sometimes it made you wonder, a little dejectedly, if he had been making a jab at your own quirk. Sure it wasn't anything fancy like Hawks' was, but you liked it well enough.

"You of all people know I don't actually mind being around him, Itsuka." You huffed a laugh and went back to typing, "Besides, I can tell you right now I'm not a good roommate. Partially due to my quirk and partially due to how much I enjoy being alone sometimes."

"Oh please, if I could handle you in the UA dorms, I can handle you in a regular living situation." You could almost feel the force of her eye roll as you hear her flop back onto your bed. You glance at the clock to check the time before continuing to type, making a silent promise to finish this one report and send what you have done while promising Tamaki you would finish the rest tomorrow.

You wanted at least a few hours with your friend while she was here, you know?

"Honestly, I think you only managed that because of Monoma and Tetsutetsu." You smirk and glance her way again. Again, she scoffed and waved a hand dismissively as she turned her attention to her phone. Once more, back to the paperwork grind, you pushed through the last few sentences before sending them off to their respective destinations.

"Oh. There was one other thing I wanted to ask about." You swivel to face Kendo, frowning as she sat up and gave you the most serious look you've seen on her the entire day.

"What's up?"

"Are you really okay living here? With all the gang activity?"

The sudden weight of her questions caused a slight tension to rise over your body and your expression to fall a touch. You turned away from her as you thought of an answer, staring blankly at your keyboard. You could hear her shifting - uncomfortably, you assumed - as she tried to wait patiently for your response.

It was hard to think of an answer that didn't sound like there was some lie to it. Sure, you were used to the gangs, and appreciated that they didn't make your life as much of hell as they probably could… but that didn't mean you were entirely comfortable with them getting away with strong arming innocent civilians just because they knew the local heroes weren't supported enough to be able to stand up confidently and fully against them.

In all honesty, you had half a mind sometimes to leave Tamaki's agency and join the local one to add some backbone to the force.

"It's alright… it's not exactly what I would really want, but it's what I can afford at the moment.” You pause and give a shrug, “And the gangs haven’t been too bad recently. Just wish the hero agency in this area had a bit more support so they could actually do something about it all.”

Kendo was quiet as she took in your words, and with your attention away from her, her expression neutralized. It would have been easy for you to see the thoughts that swirled behind her eyes; thinking of how she could help and who she could talk to about either easing the situation in your neighborhood or getting you to move elsewhere. Having known you since your schooling days, she knew you were a stubborn one - she could almost put you on par with Midorya and Bakugo, if she were being completely honest.

Maybe a talk with Nejire was in order.

She forced a smile on her lips as she stood and went over, humming as she placed a hand on your shoulder. You looked up at her, finding a soft smile coming easy to you in response to her own.

“Well, while you figure out what you want to really do - don’t lie to me, I can tell you’re thinking about it - remember you have a plethora of people who have your back if you ever wanna move out.”

You sigh and nod, softly mentioning Tamaki’s offer to help you move closer to his agency. There was a sudden, but subtle, stiffness in her hand, though before you could really question it, she relaxed and moved away towards the bedroom door.

“Why haven’t you taken him up on it yet? Oh, and did you want any tea?” She pauses at the door, waiting for your answer. You hum and nod, standing to follow her to the kitchen. This small moment made you glad she still felt comfortable enough with you to know she could make use of your home-space as if it were her own.

“I don’t know… if I’m being honest, I just really don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of his kindness. Like, getting me an entire house? That’s a lot - way too much! I could never just casually go ‘oh sure, thanks boss!’ to something like that.” You hoisted yourself up onto the counter, swinging your legs a little as you watch Kendo shuffling around getting the kettle and mugs set up. She raised a brow and glanced your way for a moment as she turned the oven on to start boiling the water.

“A house? I thought his offer was for an apartment.” You make an elongated noise, accompanied by the shrug of your shoulders and one of your hands swaying side to side in a ‘maybe’ gesture.

“House, apartment… he’s offered a few different options, including moving in with him,” Again you shrug, “But, again, it's nothing that I can easily accept from him. Not only do I not wanna  seem like a burden that needs to be protected, but I also don’t want to step on his toes and feel like I’m taking advantage of his kindness.”

She seemed to fall quiet in her thoughts as she watched the kettle, waiting for the whistle to signal that the water was ready. You let yourself relax a little further and rest your head against the edge of the cabinets while surveying the rest of the kitchen casually. Would it really be so bad if you decided to take one of them up on their offer to move in? Well, Tamaki did offer first - but Kendo was, as you felt, a closer friend. Glancing up at the ceiling, you contemplated if there had been anyone else that you could recall offering you a place to stay that wasn’t infested with more gang activity than a single hero could handle; you pull a blank as the kettle begins to whistle. Kendo picks it up and softly asks you to hold the tea bag strings in place as she pours. You were glad to do it; it gave your mind something else to focus on, and your hands something to do.

“I don’t think he would ever consider it as being taken advantage of. He is the one that offered in the first place.” She smiled and set the kettle on a cool stove burner before picking up and handing you one of the mugs. You gave her a soft thanks, accompanied by a roll of your eyes.

“That is true, but he is still my boss. If it isn’t the thought of taking advantage of his kindness, then I could only imagine what the more immature members of the agency would think if they caught wind.” That got a responsive giggle as the red haired girl shook her head almost wildly; you were pretty sure that if she hadn’t had that cup of tea in her hands, pressed against her chest, she would be waving her hands all over the place.

“I don’t even want to think about that! I’ve seen some of the members of your agency - I’m honestly surprised Suneater hasn’t said anything to them about their behaviour yet.” For some reason, her calling Tamaki by his hero name gave you pause to ponder slightly - had you been the only one to call him by his name this entire time? And why did it feel weird to hear him being referred to as anything beyond his name? You shake the thoughts before you could dive too far down that specific rabbit hole.

“I’m not sure, but I do recall him talking to a few at one point. Must’ve been really bad considering how they ended up acting like absolutely perfect angels after their private conversation with him.” You sipped your tea and let your mind wander again for a moment. What had those few done that caused Tamaki to actually reprimand them like he had, and not any of the other kinds of offenders? Kendo shrugged and took a sip of her own tea. However, before she could speak, her phone began to ring from the bedroom. Excusing herself, she set down her mug and darted off to answer it - you hoped you hadn’t kept her for too long. She hadn’t even mentioned if she was on call for hero work today or not before coming over to hang out.

You continued to nurse your tea, carefully leaping down from the counter so as not to knock her mug over in the process or spill any of yours.  You meander  into the living room and ponder if you wanted to either watch TV or grab a book to read. Or, as the thought came, you could go grab your own phone and either mindlessly scroll through social media or read fanfiction of your favorite shows and movies. You had a bit of a guilty pleasure when it came to reader inserts - though you weren’t sure why you called it guilty when it was a perfectly acceptable form of written media for your consumption!

You turned towards the bedroom as Kendo came back out, a pout on her lips as she went to her mug to take a few more quick sips before dumping the rest. Your brows furrowed in silent question when she finally turned towards you.

“Got called in to help with a few rougher captures.” She sighed and shook her head, “Guess the newbies weren’t as well trained in the area as we thought they were.”

“That’s understandable, was anyone hurt?”

“No casualties yet, but if you want I can keep you up to date on the progress?” You nod and she smiled, returning it before striding over to grab her bag. Instead of her usual hug and verbal goodbyes, she gave you a quiet wave as she slipped out the door. You sigh and glance around the room again before sitting down and flicking the TV on to see if there was anything good on at the moment, or if you were going to have to switch over to one of your streaming services.

✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩

The moment the door shut behind her, Kendo sighed and pulled her phone out to redial Nejire-Chan.

Hello~?

“Just left their apartment, everything seems to be fine.” She spoke softly as she moved away from the door, keeping her head down as an unexpectedly deep frown found a home on her lips. She heard Nejire hum from the other end for a moment or two before she spoke again.

I’m glad to hear it! Gotta make sure Suneater’s little star stays safe… though, you seem to be troubled by something? The question almost caused Kendo to laugh, even over the phone no one could keep even a single thought from the woman’s notice.

“Did you know he had offered them to move in with him?” There was a pause on the other end before a playful groan.

Seriously? Talk about a bold move - never would’ve expected something like that from him! There was a giggle But, at the same time, too forward of a question when he doesn’t even know if they like him back or not.

“Well, from the sounds of it, they were really giving it some thought after I offered to let them move in with me.” There was another giggle and the clicking of the lavender headed hero’s tongue.

Now, don’t go around making promises you can’t keep. You have orders to keep an eye on them, not make moves! This got a full laugh instead of the usual giggles as Kendo’s cheeks burned from a flustered embarrassment. She hadn’t thought about it like that when she first offered, but there was a flutter in her chest at the thought of the domestic kind of life she could have with one of her best friends. Did she have a crush on them? She wasn’t sure, and didn’t even know where to begin trying to figure that out. Instead, she cleared her throat and decided to pull the topic in a different direction.

“Have you heard word from Monoma yet about..?”

Not yet, but I’m sure it won’t take long for LeMillion and Deku to show back up on the radar. I’m still curious as to what they were needed for over in America. Kendo could practically hear the pout through the phone call, which brought the smile back to her lips and pulled her mind from her previous thoughts.

She looked around her before walking up to the bus stop and sitting down, wrapping her arms around her bag to keep it close to her chest while she swung her legs. She got an odd fulfilled sensation whenever her feet would scrape against the concrete beneath her.

“I’m sure they’ll tell us all about it when they come home - if it wasn’t too confidential at least.” Nejire-Chan hummed in agreement. As she heard the other hero take a breath to begin speaking again, there was a soft voice on the other end catching her attention. Nejire pardoned herself for a moment and lowered the phone just enough to muffle the conversation, though Kendo could still hear it relatively well. Just as she’d been told before, it was about those villains she had to help get put into the system.

At least she hadn’t needed to tell them a lie when she had to leave, now that she thought about it.

Hey, I need to talk to you later. Let me know when you make it in! As she was hanging up, Nejire’s voice could be heard instructing the sidekick on what they should do in regards to whatever the question was they had asked.

Pulling the phone fully from her ear, she glanced around the bus stop and down both ways of the street for any sign of the bus before looking back down at her phone to scroll through her camera roll on a whim, also because she figured it was better than pulling a book up and getting sucked into the story while she was supposed to be at least somewhat focused on watching for when the bus came.

It felt like so long since any of them were in UA, and she was glad she was able to get so many memories saved into her phone during their time… it also felt a little weird that, now that she was thinking about it, that she managed to still have the same phone that she had all through school. Just that responsible with it, she supposed.

Scrolling through, there were plenty of pictures of Class B - a decent chunk  of which were just evidence  of times when Tetsutetsu and Monoma would steal her phone for impromptu photo sessions with the rest of the class. The memories made her eyes roll with a fond smile on her lips; she hadn’t heard much from Tetsu in a while, but that was to be expected when he was constantly on the job with Kirishima. Meanwhile, it was nearly impossible for her to get away from…

She blinked in surprise, opening one photo she had no recollection of finding before now. It was a selfie of Monoma and Tetsu on either side of… them. All three of them were smiling wide, as though laughing about something, and Monoma actually, genuinely, looked happier than she had ever really seen him before. Her smile came back, fonder than before, and her cheeks flushed a soft pink. For all the trouble he caused them, she really couldn’t imagine not having him as a friend. Any of them, really. She cleared her throat and put her phone down to keep herself from going emotionally overboard from the nostalgia, and just in time for the bus to arrive as well.

✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩

The rush of the air outside the airplane cabin was calming, though his leg continued to jitter as he watched the clouds pass by. He was eager to get home and sleep in his own bed, patrol his own streets… see his friends. Needless to say, he was homesick, but he was on the track back home so it wasn’t too bad anymore. It had been months since they were last in Japan, and as much as he loved being over in America to learn and do some network connecting, he was more than ready to be back. Not to mention he was ready to have authentic Japanese  food again from his favorite restaurants . Maybe he could drop by his mom’s place and get something homemade…

“You’re looking a lot better there, Deku!” The green haired man blinked and looked up at his traveling companion, his smile brighter than the sun - as per usual. Deku returned the smile, though a softer version, and nodded.

“I’m excited to be back home. I wonder how everyone’s doing.” He turned back to the window as Mirio sat across from him and looked out his own window. One of the perks of being a top five pro hero: getting to take a private plane instead of flying commercial - not that there was anything wrong with it! He just… wasn’t comfortable with tight spaces with very little options for maneuverability.

“I’m sure they’re doing just fine, though I’m also sure you knew that.” Mirio chuckled and turned his attention to Deku, “Especially with how you’ve been constantly exchanging emails with almost everyone during our time abroad.” Deku laughed and rubbed the back of his head. It was hard not to constantly be checking for new messages during their away time. Was that clingy of him? He didn’t really think so, and he was pretty sure someone would’ve told him to chill out with the instant replies. Even Bakugo hadn’t told him off about how quick he was to respond, which was a little bit of a surprise.

“Fair. How has Suneater and Nejire-Chan been, by the way? I know you’ve been keeping up with them.” Deku turned from the window and looked at Mirio, who he was surprised to see had a conspiratorial  smile and was raising his eyebrows up and down.

“Nejire told me Tamaki has a crush on one of his sidekicks!” The blonde was moving to pull out his phone to flip through his messages while Deku tried to pick up his jaw from the floor.

“That’s great! Who is it?” Mirio held his phone out to him. On the screen was a picture of Tamaki and a hero dressed in a black and white suit with white owl wings.

“She hasn’t given me their name yet, wanting me to introduce myself to them in person first so I don’t spook them or let on that they were talked about behind their back. Not that talking about a friend’s crush is all that unusual.” Mirio chuckled and shrugged as Deku handed back the phone. He smiled and nodded.

“It would probably be odd if you called them out by name without them having met you before.”

The two continued to talk, from the mystery hero to how the agencies were doing and the crime rates that they’ve been hearing about. Not to mention going over profits from their side hustle and how things were going on that front… though, it was a little hard to focus on the rest of it when the hero Tamiki was pictured with kept slipping into his thoughts.

He would probably have to go with Mirio to greet them when they landed…

[thegeminisage]

oooh envesseled, please!!

HI wow thank you for asking, because i love talking about this, and i promise no one is obligated to read the whole answer lol. envesseled (partially, but only partially, up on ao3...) is part of cambionverse, which is a sort of spin-off about some EXTREMELY minor characters in s*pernatural that my buddy @callowyn and i have been chipping away at since 2011 or so.

for anyone with a passing familiarity with the show: we were so sure they were going to kill lisa braeden at the end of season 6 (can you blame us?), we whipped up a little scenario where her son ben was partially raised by sam, dean, and bobby instead...until sam and dean go mysteriously missing, a la john winchester, and now ben has to go and look for them the same way they once searched for their own dad.

but since supernatural has those big 3 characters (sam dean cas) and ben is our dean-character (he is sort of like a dean who broke the cycle of abuse and is also a huge lovable dork), we also needed a sam-character and a cas-character. for our sam we picked jesse (a one-episode wonder, the antichrist kid who turned cas into an action figure), and claire novak, the daughter of acstiel's vessel, who at that point was also a one-episode wonder and also had a collective total of less than 50 words of dialogue. we made her up on our own, essentially. jesse struggles with anxiety and controlling his demonic half and trusting hunters/himself after doing so has burned him in the past (or...gotten other people burned, i guess), and claire struggles with trusting anyone at all and the total emotional unavailability/other after-effects that come from being possessed by something with a thousand eyes at age 11.

in the first two "big" stories (one for jesse, one for ben, though there's a shit ton of additional content) they battle meg (my beloved, don't worry, she'll NEVER die), find the missing sam and dean, resolve various other personal traumas, be mentally ill together, and flirt ever closer to a three-person situationship that would make dean actively long for death if he ever found out about it. meanwhile cally and i kind of throw tomatoes at various things in the show proper that annoyed us, such as how much they hate women, how often they forget their own canon, or the double standard of sometimes letting monsters live when they're dangerous and sometimes killing them when they've done nothing wrong.

envesseled is the third "big" story, for claire, and it takes a significant turn because at the very beginning of it, while she and ben are in the middle of a huge argument, he dies (fridged a la MARY winchester), debatably because of something claire did, and the only way to resurrect him is to ask castiel for help. except he can't help because his various misadventures have left him broken into a thousand pieces and his current jimmy-vessel has no soul to put them back together. and so she's still dealing with this castiel trauma, and the grief/guilt over ben, and the grief /guilt over her dad she never processed, while going around collecting all the broken pieces of castiel in her own body so he can envessel HER (hence the title), bring ben back to life--except the catch is the more grace she takes into her body, the sicker she gets, so it's a question of whether or not she has enough time to finish collecting the pieces, and whether or not she can actually bear to be in castiel's presence and also say yes to him in order to allow him to do this.

as one might guess from the summary it is. an INCREDIBLY niche fanfic series with like a dozen fans worldwide, though i am proud to say pretty much everyone who's tried it has liked it, probably because it's diverged so heavily at this point it aaalmost reads like original fiction. like, i wish there were words to convey how deeply you do not need to have seen the show to read it. we are still writing "envesseled" which is why it's on the wip list (it is fighting with us SO MUCH) but we really really really hope we get it finished in time for "cambion day," which is march 29 (jesse's birthday). i tried very, very hard to find an excerpt from what we haven't posted that isn't full of giant spoilers, but i can't, so i'll post an excerpt from what we have on ao3 instead that i really like. this happens right after claire absorbs the first of many of castiel's broken pieces and is kind of a microcosm of the dynamic in general:

Castiel stands, not far enough away, watching her like a crow inspecting carrion. "How do you feel?" Claire takes a deep breath, assessing. There's no apparent difference between the new grace and the old—after all, both are pieces of the same angel—but she feels their presence more keenly, a stronger heat than the one she's been accustomed to for so many years. Apparently she's more sensitive to the powers of the Antichrist, too. "I've stopped feeling like there's a stab wound in my side, if that's what you mean." "Hm." Two fingers brush across her forehead. Claire's entire body thrums, and then she's grabbing Castiel's wrist, crushing it in her grip as she pulls his hand away. "Don't touch me." Her heartbeat is wild, squeezing the bones under her hand with all her strength, knowing she can't damage him but too angry to care. "Don't you ever touch me." Castiel holds motionless in a way no human could ever achieve, lights flickering over his head. "Let go of me, then." He could break free of her grasp with a fraction of effort, but it's still satisfying to throw his hand aside. Claire catches Jesse's eyes, and sees just a moment of ink-black there before he blinks and the light fixtures stop shaking. "Very well," says Castiel, after a long tense silence. He leaves the kitchen, giving Claire a wide berth, and moves to stand in the center of the dusty library. "Try this one."

let people send you an ask with the WIP title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it!

[selfinsertopinions]

thoughts on: sharing mindsets

this is probably gonna be a controversial one BUT hey this blog is supposed to be for potentially controversial topics in these communities. SO let's get into it

in short: i think some people take "sharing" way too seriously and y'all need to CHILL OUT.

okay, now for the extended post.

just as a disclaimer, i totally understand that a lot of these attitudes when it comes to attachment to f/os are not on purpose and that the brain works in weird ways especially when mental illness is involved.

believe me, i've had irrational, mean and straight up bad thoughts up the wazoo when it comes to sharing most of my guys.

but like...i've had friend groups ruined over this. discourse that could have been avoided had people just decided to block each other, not to mention feeling invalid because i must not love a character enough compared to this other person, despite the fact that we both have the same feelings about sharing etc.

look. i get it, at least to some extent. my brain is unhealthily attached to my f/os and i like to pretend they're real and we're actually dating. objectively speaking, i know this is kinda ridiculous but it's what i believe. i can't rly change that overnight

but i really think that some people...are just very overzealous about it to the point that it can ruin their relationships with others. either by causing arguments that REALLY shouldn't happen, or because of walking on eggshells constantly whether you realize it or not.

at the end of the day: CURATE YOUR EXPERIENCE! BLOCK PEOPLE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO FOR WHATEVER REASON! IT'S NOT HARD, I PROMISE!

or, alternatively: TALK THINGS OUT LIKE ADULTS! DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE OKAY IF YOU'RE NOT! HAVE DISCUSSIONS, MATURELY!

perhaps it's better in some spaces than others, or maybe i've just personally had bad experiences but, when i tell you that most of my bad blood in this community has partially come from the fact that i've shared f/os with people who just REFUSED to communicate with me? i'm not exaggerating at all. some of y'all need to chill out, reevaluate if it's really worth it to fight over characters THAT YOU USUALLY DON'T EVEN OWN, and then deal with it maturely.

it can be hard for people, i'm aware. but sometimes, i think some of us are either obtuse on purpose or just refuse to admit that maybe we might be the problem.

don't ruin real, meaningful relationships because of fictional characters, y'all. no matter how much they mean to you. i promise it's not worth it.

do you disagree? agree? have any particular thoughts or arguments? send in an ask or something!

[aihoshiino]

In Viewpoint B (thank you for that TL of it, by the way!), Ai says to Kyun that she was a liar even before becoming an idol. Ai also describes herself as a liar in her inner monologue in the flashback to when she was scouted in Chapter 8/Episode 1. Do you have any ideas about what lies/"lies" she could be referring to, or how her self-hatred generates this specific self-perception?

You're very welcome – glad you enjoyed! Viewpoint B is my favourite of the sidestories so I'm really happy I was able to make it more available to everyone else, too.

Talking about 'lies' in OnK is kind of messy sometimes, honestly! I think this is where a lot of the weirder/more off base interpretations of Ai in the fandom come from because people get tripped up by how the story uses the word and assume that it begins and ends with the very literal dictionary definition of like, "an intentionally false directly expressed statement". And while this isn't not part of what OnK means when it talks about lies, there's a lot more going on than that.

'Lies' in OnK are essentially an umbrella term being used to cover a whole shitload of thematic ground via abstraction. When Oshi no Ko talks about lies, it's talking about falsehoods, inauthenticity, the sanitized and manufactured versions of ourselves we wear for social approval, the idea of persona, celebrity culture, idol culture, parasocial relationships, abuse, purity culture, misogyny, art, fiction, mental illness, love, hate and all manner of other things.

"Holy shit, Claire" you may presumably say "That's a whole lot of things for just one word to cover???"

And I would say... yep it is! But that's why just one word is used — because the story has so much ground it wants to cover, some of it needs to be abstracted just to not exhaust the audience. To quote Dan Olson's weirdly relevant video on the NC's The Wall review:

"Abstraction is, counter-intuitively, really efficient. It allows a movie to be about a lot of things simultaneously by letting symbols bleed into each other. [...] Symbols shift and merge and break apart, juxtaposed and contrasted in order to create an impression of their interconnected relationship in a way that is difficult to do with mere words."

Accordingly, it's a little hard to express this idea without just vaguely waving my hands and going "oooo the vibes" but I think it is something you end up just kind of vibing with when you have spent enough time chewing on the characters and why they do and say the things they do.

In Ai's case, when she talks about 'lies', she is generally referring to the performance of a sanitized and idealized self by omitting the parts of herself that do not line up with her public image. I've previously noodled on this topic in an older post that I still stand by and this basic idea still forms the foundation of most of my Ai analysis: "Really, the biggest “lie” Ai is telling is the one people have demanded she tell: the illusion of an eternally pure and cheerful idol. But being an idol has become so forcibly entangled in Ai’s personhood at the expense of allowing her to just be a human that of course she thinks of herself as a liar for being unable to live up to that image."

To Ai, any failure to disclose her true, ugly self is a lie. Her performance of a self that other people find lovable is the thing she thinks of as lying. It's also worth noting that in both Viewpoint B and her flashback, she's describing her younger self in hindsight and attributing the label of 'liar' to her rather than this being something Ai called herself before meeting Saitou, who went on to completely rewire her brain by teaching her that this performance for social approval was lying and that it was okay and even necessary for her to do it.

I also think Ai's history of abuse at her mom's hands also contributed to this a great deal. I, uh, don't want to go too deep into this in my silly Oshi no Ko meta tag but speaking from experience: growing up with a parent like Ayumi, you get really good at lying. You get really good at saying "I'm sorry", "I forgive you" and whatever the fuck else they want to hear from you just to calm them down and make them happy. You get really, really good at performing the most perfectly sanitized version of yourself possible just to keep the peace. Knowing just how long and how violently Ai was being abused by Ayumi, it's really hard for me to not project that survival tactic onto her.