#dawg WHAT are you doing???!!!!! this isn’t instagram girl!!!

[fantasykiri5]

Man I love seeing one blog go through and like months worth of my art on multiple of my blogs at the same time. But you know what I would love even more? IF PEOPLE ON THIS WEBBED SITE REMEMBERED HOW THE REBLOG BUTTON WORKS

[lewisvinga]

my shot | alex albon x fem! reader x lily muni he

summary; after admitting in an interview about their crush on a certain youtuber, alex and lily decide to shoot their shot through instagram

fc; tara yummy

warnings; ?? none i think

taglist; @namgification @louvrepool @locelscs @thehufflepuffavenger1

notes; requested ! i’m obsessed w tara yummy rn

masterlist !

liked by lilymhe, alex_albon, and others !

yourusername: let’s go to the beach each

username: the shirt 😭😭😭

username: i just know y/n was struggling in the 5 ft end

yourusername: i was , i suck at swimming 🤕🤕

lilymhe: crazy i know how to swim !

username: lily what are u doing here 😭😭

username: the last picture is so cunty i love it

username: she’s so queen

username: not lily and alex in the likes 😭

alex_albon: let’s go get a wave

yourusername: they say what they gonna say

alex_albon: have a drink, clink, found a bud light

yourusername: bad bitches like me are hard to come by

lilymhe: you are the baddest bitch

username: this comment thread ???😭😭

username: alex albon’s attempt at flirting it just singing nicki minaj

username: he has a gf tho

username: you can’t tell me they both aren’t in love w her…

yourusername uploaded to their story !

[caption 1; last few days here 😴] [caption 2; tanning bc i can’t swim]

lilymhe replied to your story !

lilymhe so you really can’t swim?

yourusername lol i suck at it, i always use floaties when i’m in the pool & i refuse to go in the ocean😭

lilymhe maybe if we happen to be in the same place , i can teach you😁😁

yourusername you just wanna see me in a bikini don’t you🥴

lilymhe i mean yes. deleted !

lilymhe just helping a girl out and shooting my shot?😁😁

yourusername ur cute

lilymhe and i think ur cuter

yourusername you and….

lilymhe alex and i think you’re cute 😁

yourusername: i’ll be at the miami gp btw, maybe you both can teach me how to swim😌

lilymhe oh, we’re ready, pretty girl

alex_albon replied to your story !

alex_albon heyyyy[100% rizz]

yourusername: oh your girlfriend is much better at this than you are

alex_albon i’m trying 😔

alex_albon but i managed to pull her anyways 🤓

yourusername you’re a dork but it’s cute🤕

alex_albon so me shooting my shot is working?😁😁

yourusername oh 100%

alex_albon a little birdie told me you’re going to the miami gp?

yourusername yeah, might be dressed in ferrari red

alex_albon why not williams blue? you should come to our garage instead 😁

yourusername hmmm u gotta convince me, pretty boy 🧐

alex_albon well, lily and i will be there , isn’t that enough?

yourusername you’re right ,

yourusername i’ll see you in the williams garage then, pretty boy😇

liked by lilymhe, alex_albon, and others !

yourusername: i like to see cars racing now i guess

tagged; lilymhe, alex_albon, williamsracing

williamsracing: the cuntiest guest in our garage

yourusername: why thank u admin

lilymhe: ugh you’re gorgeous 😩

yourusername: hello?? you’re the most gorgeous 🥴🥴

lilymhe: in my f1 driver era liked by yourusername !

alex_albon: i feel so special knowing i had the 2 prettiest girls ever rooting for me

yourusername: you’re a dork but i’ll cheer for u every race 🤓

username: OMG HELLO😀

username: my fave youtuber and f1?? i’m so??

username: alex lily n y/n are acting very suspicious…….🧐🧐🧐

username: i just wanna know how this all happened

username: imagine lily and alex sliding into her dms 😭😭😭

username: they’re just like me fr

username: i gotta be REAL honest w y’all, they’d look hot asf as a throuple

username: oomf are u insane

username: look at oomf dawg😭😭😭

username: no i get it

[lihikainanea]

LEIIII, CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT BILL AND TIGER GOING THE THE MET GALA BILL FuCkINg HeR iN ThE ReStRoOm????????????????

FIRST OF ALL, I have this like, weird interest in fashion over the past two years or so. I've never particularly been into it, but now my instagram is mainly fashion inspo and like, who is this person???? I've never considered myself fashionable, much less interested in fashion and now I swear to god I spend Sunday afternoons ~judging people~ and looking up latest fashion trends and how to wear things and I am just LOVING IT. And since nobody asked, I'm going to go ahead and list you my top fucking fashion ABSOLUTELY DO FUCKING NOT pet peeves:

1) Matching pantsuits. Hello, no. I know the designers that are trying to bring this back, and it's a hard no for me dawg. I am in my almost mid thirties and I ain't trying to look like a fucking old maid, thanks. These will never be fashionable. Just stop.

2) Derby shoes. These literally don't go with anything. I'm not sorry. If you're that committed to huge, clunky, ugly fucking shoes, get clogs. I ain't saying you have to wear heels, not at all. But find yourself some nice oxfords, a nice loafer, hell even some mules--and they will be infinitely nicer than fucking derby shoes.

3) Layering. No, kids. Baum und Pferdgarten, I love you. I do. I have a few of your dresses. But ya'll motherfuckers need to stop with this pajama-esque, mixed and clashing pattern, oversized bullshit looks that you call fashion. There is a way to wear slouchy, and babes, THAT AIN'T IT. YOU LITERALLY LOOK LIKE A FUCKING WARHOL PAINTING THREW UP ON YOU. Mixing patterns is cool, we like that, but Jesus Christ it has to have some consistency.

alright, now onto the actual ask.

All of this to say, I kept a keen eye on the Met Gala this year and I was...perplexed. At best. Horrified, at worst.

So like, tiger right? There's little else in the world that tiger hates as much as Bill's outwardly Hollywood side. The parties. The schmoozing. And I mean, she knows it's part of his life so that's fine, but in fairness--Bill also abhors this side. He loathes it. And he's been to the Met gala once, which notoriously never allows a +1 unless that +1 is famous, but low and behold--by some stroke of luck--Bill's invitation this year allows for it.

"No." tiger says immediately.

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask!" he exclaims.

"I know what that is," she points to the invitation in his hand, "And no."

It's a hard no. It takes Bill weeks--because like, tiger ain't Hollywood. She doesn't want to do the dress. She doesn't want the mingling with fucking celebrity guests. She doesn't want the paparazzi. She wants none of it. But like, eventually--after so much begging--eventually Bill gets her to agree. His stylist will get a dress for her. Hair and make up is taken care of. Bill promises her that she can just slip in the back, sit at the table, and have cocktails to her heart's galore while he walks the red carpet. She doesn't have to be photographed--and truth be told, tiger's a nobody so people aren't really interested in photographing her anyway. That's fine by her.

The dress worries her, because tiger isn't exactly celebrity material but the stylist is so kind in taking measurements. Bill handles everything--the flights, the make up reservations, the hair appointments. On the day of, he checks them into the Bowery Hotel and then tiger doesn't have to worry about a thing. He shoves a fluffy robe at her, and then there's just a flurry of activity--massages first. Breakfast after. A stint in the steam room--which they absolutely have sex in. Facials. Manicures--for both. A light lunch. And then the bell rings and in come a flurry of a team ready to glamorize them--Bill's favourite groomer, his stylist, tiger's make up artist, her hair stylist. The primping process is the longest tiger has ever been through--but there's wine, there's snacks, her Big Dude is right beside her looking handsome as all hell. And when tiger puts on a dress that is worth more than she makes in a year, when her hair is all done up and her make up is perfect--she begrudgingly admits to him that yes, Beeeeeel, she does feel pretty.

"You look stunning kid," he praises, pressing a gentle kiss on her cheek. To her slight embarrassment (but secret joy), he hands his phone off to his assistant and asks for a few pictures.

And like, here's the thing right? The Met Gala has a strict policy: no spouses or couples seated together. Seriously, it's a thing. Look it up. And while tiger is mildly freaking out about that, she calms down considerably when she does see a name tag at her table that she recognizes.

Alex. Skarsgård.

Tiger smiles, Bill grimaces.

And that's what starts it, right? Bill is at a table far away but not too far, and right where he can keep her in his line of sights. He knows she wasn't looking forward to this so he wants to keep an eye on her, but then like....why the fuck does she look like she's having so much fun? Alex is cracking the whole table up, being his usual charismatic self. Tiger is laughing, guffawing actually, beyond control--her hand on his, clutching his forearm. Bill barely even makes conversation with his own table, he's staring so intently at the two of them and tiger looking like she's having the best night of her life.

Bill's blood is boiling. It boils even more when he sees tiger make a face at her main plate--her nose wrinkling, her lip curled in disgust--and without missing a beat Alex's fork swoops over, plucks all the green onions from her food, and tiger smiles gratefully at him. Bill slams his napkin down on the table.

"Excuse me," he mutters in response to the curious glances. And then he stalks over, heads right to her table, and he's so silent that she jumps a mile when she hears his voice in her ear from behind her.

"A word, kid?" he says.

"But the food just--"

"Now." he says insistently. He holds a hand out to her, helps her push her chair back and stand. But then he's basically dragging her to a restroom, and poor tiger isn't quite used to heels this high.

"Hang on bud," she pleads, "I'm not that coordinated."

But he doesn't hang on. Instead he reaches back, loops a strong arm around her waist and basically carries her on his side to the bathroom. Tiger's feet don't hit the floor for a good 200 feet. And once inside the bathroom, he locks the door and glares at her.

"If that dress wasn't couture, I'd have you on your fucking knees kid," he threatens. Tiger's eyes get wide.

"What did I do?" she asks innocently. Bill just glares.

"Having a good time, are you? Having the best night ever?" he accuses.

Tiger is starting to get a feeling what this is about, and oh man--she's about to rile her Big Dude up. Dressed to the nines, in a public place, surrounded by riches, and Bill is about to get a bit possessive over her? Tiger is a sucker for it every time.

"Yes," she plays into it, "Alex is being amazing. He's so--"

She doesn't get to finish the sentence, because Bill growls and lunges for her, pinning her back against the cool tile.

"You are mine," he snarls. Tiger just tilts her chin up, bites onto his bottom lip.

"Prove it." she challenges.

The roar Bill lets out is fucking feral. Tiger doesn't even have time to react before her dress is pulled up, he yanks his belt undone, and he's slamming into her. She moans, and he grabs her face in his hand.

"Don't come," he snarls, "Don't you dare come."

And like the good girl she is for him--she doesn't. She grits her teeth, tries to stave it off even as he slams deep into her, growls as his release fills her up, bites her neck hard enough to leave a mark. She whimpers, her knees wobbly, and tries to reach for a tissue.

"No," he grabs her hand.

"But it's messy," she pleads. But another glare is enough to silence her, and he swiftly pulls her panties up, smoothes her dress back down.

"You're going to sit there, full of my come for the rest of the night," he tells her, "And I want you to think of that, I want you to feel it, every time you look at him."

"Bill--" she whimpers. He silences her with a rough kiss.

"Go on," he said, "Back to your seat."

On shaky legs, she turns and tries to walk out as nonchalant as possible. He waits a few minutes before exiting, going to find his seat and sitting back down. He keeps an eye on her for the rest of the evening, but he doesn't even have to--every time he looks over at her, she's already staring at him--her eyes wide, needy, her knees pressed tightly together.

[roleplcyheaux]

NAME: hayley. hales. h-dawg, dumb dork, etc.

TIMEZONE: nst (narnia standard time) 

PREFERRED PRONOUNS: she/her

WHO DID YOU APPLY FOR? OR ARE THINKING OF APPLYING FOR?:

first and foremost my daughter NOELLE WEBBER. originally her fc was supposed to be the beautiful margot robbie but i didn’t wanna mess up the brunette sibling vibez ya feel? she’s a journalist at the newspaper and hosts a true crime/mystery podcast! she was always kinda an odd little thing. fascinated by all things guts, gore, and lore. i guess that’s what happens when one of your parents is high up in law enforcement and the other is high up at the hospital??? she’s small and bitter; like a cup of espresso so don’t let the doe eyes and angelic smile fool you. then again she’s more likely to scowl than smile at you anyway?? 

her mother always told her it wasn’t lady like and “unbecoming to be so rude” but she’s not the type of person who feels the need to be nice for nice sake? even so no one would have described her as an outright bitch either....that is until the death of her sister. if she thought people were shitty before, she’s become even more convinced in the last few weeks and has become consumed by the thought of getting to the bottom of what happened to her sister in that bathroom. if she’s learned anything in her 20+ years of being obsessed with true crime cases it’s this: everyone is a suspect and no one can be trusted. [PINTEREST BOARD]

second but definitely not least VIVIAN ‘IVY’ DUVAL. although she’s not considered a big name in the art world, what so ever, she considers herself a damn one. catch her in half undone overalls covered in various states of dried paint almost any day of the week. while vivian wasn’t exactly born into the life of crime, she was certainly brought into it by her mother’s sudden marriage to a man whose main source of income was running errands for the Corinthos crime family. but she couldn’t complain at first. their life before the marriage consisted of her mother chasing the next high with no regard for her daughters. 

josiah had gotten her clean and suddenly vivian actually had a mother again. not to mention the addition of a some-what father figure and a step-brother. she had a family. a real one. and that was worth overlooking the insanity of the world she’d been thrust into. then she made the mistake of coming home early from school one day and walked in on her step father shooting a “soplón” in their living room. she was fifteen and instead of being comforted...was asked to help clean up the mess. eventually she “got out” and left for college but recently returned about six months ago. [PINTEREST BOARD]

GIVE US THREE HEADCANONS ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER(s):

NOELLE  —

she knew elizabeth did drugs. had caught her in the act of consuming them on multiple occasions but was always assured by liz that she had it “under control.” not wanting to blow things out of proportion (like their parents likely would have) noelle foolishly took her sister’s word for it and never pressed any farther. she convinced herself if elizabeth truly had a problem, she would tell her.

noelle is in denial about being lactose intolerant. she knows she is. but refuses to stop eating diary products. according to her a life without cheese, ice cream, & yogurt isn’t one worth living. 

one time while in los angeles she was pictured exiting a restaurant at the same time as harry styles and the next day the photo was all over tabloids and social media calling her “harry styles’s mystery new girl”. no one found the incident more hilarious than elle, who still to this day has “harry styles’s secret girlfriend” as her bio on twitter and instagram.

VIVIAN   —

ivy is a nickname vivian's mother gave her as a child. she’s not really sure why her mom started to call her it but in all honesty she prefers it to her actual name and likes to think of it as the name her mother should have given her instead. not that she hates vivian....she just thinks ivy fits her more.

was given the most talkative superlative three years in a row in high school. she hates silence and tends to fill it with the sound of her voice. not to mention she rambles when she’s nervous...excited...honestly she rambles regardless of what emotion she’s feeling who are we kidding?

spent three months after returning to NOLA unemployed cause she thought it would be a brief stay but it turned out to be....more permanent than she was anticipating so in september she got a job as a substitute teacher simply to avoid completely emptying her savings accounts.

WHAT SORT OF PLOTS ARE YOU HOPING TO DO?:

Noelle: along with working to piece together the mystery of her sister’s death, ellie’s been working on covering the Ryan Chamberlain murders for the newspaper since it’s the twenty-fifth anniversary. so i’d love any and all connections dealing with both these cases! I’D LOVE ANY AND ALL PLOTS REVOLVING THE WEBBER FAMILY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THERE IS JUST SO MUCH TO EXPLORE! Ellie definitely loves all the members of her family so I just would love to see her dynamics with each of them be explored while the mystery of what happened to Elizabeth is also being unraveled.  ALSO SOME CO-WORKERS AT THE NEWSPAPER WOULD BE NICE! Also all the typical connections too: Friends, Enemies, Neighbors, Exes, Family acquaintances, etc!

Ivy: i’d love to see her step brother in the group, she also has a sister she was very protective over growing up! so just the family dynamic between all three would be so nice to play out! after all the reason for Ivy’s return is mostly because their mother has fallen off the wagon again. I’d love some people with kiddies who Ivy now knows because of her job as a substitute teacher!! As well as the typical connections: Friends, Enemies, Neighbors, Exes, etc! 

DID YOUR CHARACTER HAVE ANY RELATION TO ELIZABETH?:

Noelle was Elizabeth’s younger sister but the way they interacted with one another, most people would have assumed Noelle was the elder sister. She looked out for Liz as much as she also admired her. 

Vivian went to high school with Elizabeth, they were in the same grade and shared a couple classes. One year Ivy caught her crying in a bathroom stall and she confronted her, the next day they went back to acting like strangers. Vivian thought Elizabeth had completely forgotten their bonding moment until found an invitation to Elizabeth’s wedding in her mailbox. 

WHO DO YOU THINK KILLED ELIZABETH? DO YOU HAVE ANY THEORIES?:

Me. I killed Elizabeth....her hair was just too nice and I was jealous okay? In all seriousness, I honestly don’t know. I feel like it’s someone she knows though because it’s always someone the victim knows? Maybe Noelle killed her? What a plot twist that would be! 

[em-w-f-r-p]

A kid named Robbie (Class Work)

There’s a kid named robbie 

And he feels so alone

The only friend he has

Is his phone

At school he doesn’t feel safe 

Girls laugh when he walks away

And boys dig his grave

The teachers don’t care

The principal is busy

No one shows an ounce of pity

His parents will say

They saw no signs 

But it was no mistake

When he cut those lines

His peers will say

They knew him well

But they made his life

A living hell

His teachers and principal will say

They did all they could

But not a single one got him down from

The chair where he stood

He’ll be posted about

With I miss yous 

And sad crying emojis

But it doesn’t take away the fact they made fun of his shoes

You see no one cares

Until they lose another

Until they lose a mom, a dad, a sister, a brother

No one cares until it’s too late

No one cares until the coffin sends them away

Robbie’s Journal

9/18/21

School started in August, and I’m kinda glad it did. Gave me something to do. 

The summer was long, boring, and quiet. I spent it posting on my instagram under my screen name. I have an average amount of followers, compared to the common insta baddie. That’s all I guess. 

9/20/21

Rant incoming: Today at lunch my tray was knocked out of my hands. Everyone laughed, It was so embarrassing! As cliche as it sounds, some dude on  the football team is always coming at my head. “Yo Dawg, look at those twinkle toes” or “Look it’s the school shooter” I’m so tired of their childish remarks. Smh.

9/24/21

I felt exhausted today, the air was dry and again, someone dished my shoes. C’mon. Not to mention, I failed a test today and got targetted right as I walked through the door of my dad’s house. “What’s up with you man” he said, It was one test! One! 

9/25/21

I cried today. Hard. I sat in the last stall in the boys bathroom and I bawled my eyes out. Then the bell rung so I wiped my eyes and washed my hands. I walked to my car and crumbled when I got inside. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone seeing me so I had to wait for a place to stop where no one would be. I stopped at the church parking lot and sang along to all of the not so church friendly songs while I sobbed. 

9/30/21

I looked in the mirror today. I realized that I hated what I saw. My cheeks are too pink. My hair is too curly. My nose isn’t right. My forehead is too big. My face is too round. I hate all of it. 

10/2/21

I walked into class today. People snickered and threw stuff. That’s normal, but then someone says something along the lines of “stop eating, fatty.” The teacher heard it. Everyone heard it. No one stepped in, so I stepped out. 

10/4/21

It’s not fair, things have gotten worse recently. Dad took my car away for failing grades, so now I’ve gotta ride the bus. That’s just more time I have to go without a break. Makes me dread every single day. You know there really isn’t a point in living like this, like me. So maybe I just shouldn’t.

10/31/21

It’s been a while. Just didn’t have the energy to write anymore. However, I can’t go without an ending, so here it is. Bye mom, dad, stacy (cat), dylan (little brother), and the rest of the world.

Goodbye to feeling so useless.

[kbaldwin0609]

'The Bachelor' episode 2 recap: Crash course in love

Photo: ABC

Warning: This recap for episode 2 of The Bachelor contains spoilers. 

Get your motor running rose lovers, because it’s week 2 and our Bachelor is ready to hunt down a wife, like a hawk stalking its prey. (Sorry for mixing my metaphors and similes, folks.) And even though the “ladies” seem to be getting along famously right now at Casa Bachelor, Chris Harrison is quick to remind them that that camaraderie will not last.

Photo: ABC

That’s for damn sure: When Becca K. gets the first one-on-one date, our resident single mom/villain Chelsea is not happy.

Photo: ABC

Becca, meanwhile, hops on the back of Arie’s (rented) motorcycle for a ride through the picturesque Southern California mountains. It’s all very romantic… except for the whole “donorcycle” thing.

Photo: ABC

Krystal’s dad, it turns out, was in a “serious” motorcycle accident, and she also knows lots of people who have died or “lost body parts” in bike accidents as well. Given all that potential awkwardness, I’m surprised Team Bachelor didn’t make Arie take Krystal on the motorcycle date. They love a good “forcing someone to confront a source of personal terror on camera” opportunity.

That said, there is something Team Bachelor loves more than making women fear for their lives, and that’s… the Pretty Woman Date™!!!

Photo: ABC

Naturally Becca is THRILLED at this development — though as a grown-ass woman living in the year 2018 she should know that a man buying you expensive clothes and baubles on your first date is not romantic, it’s creepy and infantilizing. But who cares about that when everything is so SPARKLY???

Photo: ABC

Vom. “Arie makes me feel very special,” gushes Becca. “I appreciate that he picked me to do this.” She appreciates it even more when Arie tells his little lady that she gets to keep ALL the pretty dresses, and he even has some sparkly $700 Louboutins to go with!

Photo: ABC

After poking some diamond Neil Lane earrings through Becca’s lobes, Arie goes in for the smooch, all the while keeping one hand on Becca’s neck. When Becca gets home to primp for part two of her date with Arie, she strolls in so laden with packages and shopping bags that the “ladies” can’t believe what they’re seeing.

Photo: ABC

“Look at those shoes! Are those Louboutins?” shrieks Lauren G. “Eeeeeeeee!” The women vociferously demur when Becca admits she was nervous about bringing all her loot home — and even though the air is thick with jealousy and tension, most of it seems to be directed inward rather than at Becca herself. “Oh my God,” sighs Bibiana ruefully. “They’re gonna get married.” Oh gurl, look at the odds — that’s very unlikely.

Over dinner that night, Arie does a lot of the talking, telling Becca that he feels “wiser” since his last experience on TV and reiterating that his real estate career allowed him to “slow down” and get ready for romance. When Becca does get to speak, it’s to fill Arie in on her late father’s battle with brain cancer — which was, understandably, “the hardest time that I had ever lived through at that point.” The experience, says Becca, brought her even closer to her family — and she’s happy to hear that Arie has strong family ties, too. Of course, she gets the date rose… and some free Neil Lane earrings!

Photo: ABC

Also, I really wish he’d stop running his hands through Becca’s hair. It’s a little much.

The second date of the week is — hold up — another one-on-one date? With Krystal? Well I hope the fitness coach (or whatever) is ready to bring her A-game, because as Arie said, “Becca has definitely set the bar high.”

Krystal may not walk away from her date with a pile of bling, but she will have something to make the other “ladies” jealous: Arie’s taking her home to Scottsdale, Arizona! And she LOVES it.

Photo: ABC

Vom. Once in Arizona, Arie gives Krystal the nickel tour, showing her the Pizza Hut where he worked as a teen, the tree where he had his first kiss, his high school, and naturally his condo, where they pore through old photo albums and watch home movies.

Photo: ABC

But why look at old photos when you can have an awkward encounter with the real thing? That’s right: Arie surprises Krystal with the news that they’re going to meet his family! Though Mr. and Mrs. Arie weren’t super warm the last time they met one of Arie’s dates on TV (see: talking in front of Bachelorette Emily in Dutch), they do their best to endure Krystal’s breathy questioning about how they met.

Photo: ABC

“My mom loves you — I can tell,” Arie tells Krystal as they leave his parents’ home. As for his sister-in-law? I think this barely-repressed sigh speaks for itself.

Photo: ABC

At dinner, Arie invites Krystal to speak (“I want this also to be about you”) — specifically about her family and growing up. As we’ve learned from numerous confessionals, Krystal doesn’t have a close relationship with her family, and she’s nervous about revealing this to the Bachelor. Still, she soldiers on: “My dad wasn’t a part of my life, and my mom was there but was so emotionally unavailable — and I just really felt like my parents didn’t want me.”

Dayum, that’s rough. Krystal goes on tell Arie about the day her brother called her from the hospital after getting beaten up, and she learned he had been living on the streets. The Bachelor assures Krystal that her difficult upbringing doesn’t “reflect negatively” on her, and that he’s not put off by her struggles. In fact, says Arie, he specifically brought Krystal to meet his family in order to ease his mother’s mind about the types of women he would be dating on the show. “You are amazing,” he concludes, handing over the date rose.

Did you have “awkward private concert by (mostly) unknown artist” on your Bachelor bingo game? Time to stamp that card!

Photo: ABC

Maybe next time, Connor.

On to the group date — which is so large Team Bachelor had to hire a tractor-trailer limo to fit all the women inside. Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, [giant gasp for air] and Chelsea bounce out of the truck in their cute athleisure gear and are greeted by Arie, who drives up in a spray-painted beater

He briefs the “ladies” on demolition derby ground rules, and then sends them off to spray paint their cars. To their credit, some of the women get pretty creative with their designs. Winner:

Photo: ABC

Runner-up:

Photo: ABC

Unfortunately Annaliese can’t stop crying; it seems she had a traumatic experience with bumper cars as a child — which Team Bachelor promptly illustrates, nightmare-dream-sequence style.

Photo: ABC

“A bumper car trauma?” scoffs Jenny, one of the 17 blondes on the date. “I didn’t know that bumper car trauma is a thing.” Damn right it is, toots! Especially if it gets Arie to come over and comfort the still-weeping Annaliese one-on-one. The girl’s no fool.

Naturally Chris Harrison is there — along with racecar driver Robby Gordon — to do the color commentary for the “Bashelor Demolition Derby.” And damn, the host isn’t holding back. “So could this be the first time that Arie actually wins something on a race track?”

Photo: ABC

When the air horn blows, the women hit the gas. Suddenly Annaliese transforms from a weepy wuss to a stunt driver in Death Race 2000: She rams into Chelsea, “t-bones” Kendall, and slams into Marikh, all while driving in reverse. “She’s crushing girls like it’s her job!” marvels Harrison. Several minutes of ear-splitting metal-on-metal action later, Seinne emerges victorious in the derby, beating out Raven 2. “Second place sucks d***,” she groans.

Though she didn’t last the longest, Brittany’s derby run was apparently so violent that she upset her own equilibrium, because by the time the after-party rolls around, she is not in attendance. “Brittany smashed everybody with her car,” explains Jenna, “and unfortunately can’t be here.” Hmmm… if Brittany’s going to let something like whiplash or a possible concussion stop her from competing for Arie, maybe she doesn’t really want to be married after all.

Immediately after the toast, Chelsea pulls Arie away for a private chat. It’s time for her to reveal her big secret: She has a 3-year-old son, Sammy! The Bachelor is unfazed, as he once fell for single mom Emily Maynard, and he even lived with a woman with two kids for over a year. “I know that it’s hard to be away [from your son],” says the Bachelor. “It makes me happy that you’re here and taking a chance on me.” Then he eats her face.

Photo: ABC

The women, on the other hand, aren’t so supportive. So what if Chelsea sacrificed time with her son to be here? All of them sacrificed something — like time away from posting on Instagram or posting homemade exercise videos on YouTube! “Everybody has a story,” notes Bibiana. Seinne’s, for instance, involves graduating from Yale, studying abroad in Brazil, and generally being far too good for this show/Arie. And he knows it: “I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut!” Of course, Arie isn’t going to let his insecurities stop him from macking on Seinne;  when she attempts to pull away from their “thanks for the chat” hug, he keeps his arm firmly around her neck until she realizes the only means of escape is to kiss him.

Photo: ABC

As the night wears on, Bibiana — who was already irritable when the party began — grows ever more frustrated as woman after woman grabs Arie before she can. That is, if she’s even trying — we only ever see her sulking on the couch.

Photo: ABC

“I’m done,” she says with a pout, before stomping out of the room and slamming the door. Meanwhile…

Photo: ABC

“It was, like, really hot,” reports Bekah of her first smooch with the Kissing Bandit. Not hot enough, toots: Seinne gets the date rose!

Photo: ABC

Seinne is in it to win it, dawg.

Cocktail party time! Arie — who either is a true gentleman or just knows how to approximate one, I can’t decide — kicks off the night by seeking out Brittany T., to make sure she feels better after her demolition derby-related injury. She does, especially after the Bachelor gives her this:

Photo: ABC

We interrupt this recap to remind you that fur is gross, folks. Here’s hoping Bekah the nanny’s coat is faux.

Photo: ABC

“I lead with chemistry, and with Bekah, there’s a lot of that,” says Captain Obvious. “She’s bold and charismatic, and when we kiss, it was just apparent that she could be the whole package.” The whole package minus about 10 years, but why quibble?

After an intern surgically removes Arie from Bekah’s face, he gets accosted by Krystal, who feels it’s necessary to “follow up” with the Bachelor even though she already has a rose. As you can imagine, this does not go over well.

Photos: ABC

“I’m not worried,” breathes Krystal in her hyperventilating baby voice. “Some girls are a little weird, and some are very young, and some girls aren’t even there yet.” Which may be why she thinks it’s ok to interrupt Arie again while he’s talking to Bibiana, and you just know Bibi Gun is not about to lose her time tonight.

Krystal: “Do you mind if I step in for a moment?” Bibiana: “I actually do.”

The tension carries over into the house when Krystal foolishly (or as a calculated manipulation) comes and sits next to Bibiana. “I really think that you have a lot of balls just coming to sit down with us,” growls Bibi. “When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not with a fake tone, then I can actually respect you.” Then she does a dramatic interpretation of Krystal’s annoying personality.

Photo: ABC

When Krystal tries to protest that she was just “checking on” Bibiana, Miss Miami puts a stop to that real quick. “Baby girl, it’s not about checking. If I’m trying to talk to my man, you need to back the f**k up.” Naturally, Team Bachelor makes them stand next to each other at the rose ceremony.

Photo: ABC

Fortunately for Krystal, Bibiana — who warned that Krystal would have to “sleep with one eye open” if she got sent home — gets a rose. She joins Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah M., Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Raven 2, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Becca, Seinne and Krystal in the winners’ circle. That means we must say goodbye to Lauren G. (2 down, 2 to go!), Valerie, and Jenny… who takes it the hardest.

Photo: ABC

Ever the gentleman (or a jerk capable of impersonating a gentleman, I’m not sure), Arie goes after Jenny to comfort her in her time of nationally televised rejection. “I have to make tough choices,” he says. “And I just didn’t see it.” And Jenny’s all, Whatever, Old Man River. “I’m not sad about you,” she sniffs. “I’m sad about leaving my new friends.” Indeed, Jenny has never experienced rejection before, and she definitely does not enjoy it. “He literally picked a taxidermist over me,” she moans. “I just feel like I embarrassed myself.” Finally, Jenny and I agree on something.

And with that, rose lovers, we’re done with week two. (The “next week on” preview can be summed up in one word: Tears.) So tell me, do you think Arie’s a true gentleman or just playing one on TV? Does anyone else feel guilty about hating Krystal, given her tough upbringing? And why in the world would anyone ever want a pickled bat? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get examined for whiplash… just in case.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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[letscuttothefeeling]

season three episodes nine & ten

Okay everyone, after a short hiatus, I’m back and ready to reenter the world of Siesta Key, much like Alex after his long-awaited return in episode three of this season. There’s a lot of ground to cover here, (over yonder and hither north), and a lot of bare ass to see. So let’s just cut to the feeling!

The summer’s third most important event on the Key, following closely behind Alex’s birthday which didn’t happen, and the Kompothecras Autism fundraiser which has yet to happen, is the Fourth of July. We all know how much the cast loves a themed bathing suit party and an excuse to take as many blueberry and watermelon Smirnoff Jello shots as possible, so this day is an honored tradition! But this year, we discover Juliette will not be participating in the annual debauchery. She’s under the impression that Alex and Alyssa will attend BG’s pool party, so in a rare moment of maturity (sorry Jules, but you know it’s true), she decides to work the holiday instead so that Blend, the boutique she works for, will be ready for its opening party. We love to see her contribute so thoroughly to Florida’s flourishing haute couture scene. But she’s mistaken – Alex and Alyssa are actually planning to head to Alyssa’s lake house in Georgia. (Go Dawgs! Sic em! Woof Woof!) Alyssa has invited Alex’s self-proclaimed “posse” consisting of JJ, Jared, Amanda, and Chloe. Her best friend Madi will also be there. I love being introduced to cast members’ friends because the company people keep is very telling of their overall aesthetic and vibe. Madi’s Instagram bio says that “chaos makes the muse,” and from that, I can assume that she’s a basic white girl who is obsessed with Show Me Your Mumu and uppers. How fitting!

Every girl who exclusively wears Show Me Your Mumu’s feed

While everyone is finalizing their FOJ plans, Madisson is enjoying a romantic evening at Ophelia’s On the Bay with Ish. This classic Siesta Key establishment is reserved for special occasions, so I’m already at the edge of my seat wondering what is going on in Ish’s shiny, bald head. Ish pulls a small jewelry box out of his pocket, and I’m breathlish. I mean, breathless. Is Ish going to propose?! Madisson’s face lights up, then falls when she sees the box has a necklish in it instead of a ring. Bummer! But rest assured, the jovial grin returns to Madisson’s face moments later when Ish asks her to move in with him! I mean, she’s quite literally giggling with excitement. Whatever happened to playing it cool? In fact, Madisson is SO jazzed that she suggests Ish come to lunch with her entire family soon, since her older sister, Paige will be in town. You may remember Paige as the girl who hooked up with both Pauly and Canvas, two major SK players. Fabulous track record. I can’t wait to see her again.

Country roads, take me home! We have arrived in Albany, Georgia and are ready to hit the lake and celebrate America! But before the celebration can begin, everyone must decide who is rooming with who. Chloe quickly nixes the possibility of Amanda rooming with JJ, and later chastises Amanda for even thinking about rooming with her toxic ex. Between you and me, Amanda looks quite peeved with her friend’s overbearing orders. After everyone gets settled, and Jared makes a connection with Alyssa’s friend Madi, Chloe walks inside and sees Alyssa shucking corn, something Alyssa apparently thinks only happens in the south, even though everyone literally everywhere who eats corn needs to shuck it. Alyssa confides in Chloe about Alex’s recent shuck up – his confession that he was on the phone with Juliette for six hours. Chloe lets it slip that Alex only admitted his wrongdoing to Alyssa after Chloe pushed him to do it, which makes Alyssa angry. She confronts Alex about it, and all I have to say is that if this is any indication of how Alex responds when presented with damning evidence, I do not want him representing me. He immediately gets defensive and angry at Chloe, and as much as I hate to admit it, Alyssa holds her own. She gets mad at Alex for attacking Chloe for simply telling the truth. Instead of just owning up to what he’s done wrong, Alex stammers out a half-apology and looks ready to fight Chloe. Oh no.

Cut to JJ and Amanda, grilling up some burgers and a hot conversation! After discussing their rekindled flame despite their tough past, Amanda tells JJ about another wrench in their road to romance – Chloe’s blatant disapproval. JJ looks really annoyed with the intrusion. I mean, he’s had to deal with BG, the fact that he cheated on Amanda multiple times already, and now this?! It’s so unfair. Speaking of BG, back on the Key, Brandon’s party is in full swing. You know what else is in full swing? The bare ass of a girl attending the party. Listen, I know the show loves to transition scenes by showing close-ups of scantily clad females, but this is just not something I can get behind. (Ha!) In all seriousness though, readers, please consider using something more than floss to cover your asshole if you ever find yourself on national television.

There’s more than one ass at this party, and her name is Kelsey. Sorry Kelsey stans, but this scene is just so violently cringe-worthy that I almost threw the remote at my screen. Kelsey can be so off-putting when she tries to flirt. But she’s hot and on a reality show so I’m not too worried about it. G Baby approaches Kelsey and asks her where “Jakey-poo” is. It’s worth noting that the robots controlling Garrett are becoming increasingly upsetting as well. Kelsey informs the Robot Garret that Jake is “over yonder, hither north” and then giggles/hiccups. I’m actually grimacing as I type this. Their nauseating display reminds me of why they’re actually perfect for each other. Foreshadowing, maybe? Kelsey then asks the question we’ve all been wondering – are Cara and Garrett still talking? Garrett says that they are not talking anymore, which is exactly what BG says about Amanda when Madisson asks. And as the fireworks explode in the night sky, I can’t help but think about the lack of fireworks in the love lives of our beloved cast. 

Back at the lake, tensions are rising faster than the current unemployment rate. Chloe seems to be the common denominator in everyone’s annoyance, and at dinner, everything comes to a head. Looking directly at Chloe, Alex asks, “Chloe, I know you like hanging out with us, but are you more of a team Juliette girl?” Chloe warns him “not to go there,” but Alex keeps pushing, accusing Chloe of being “finnicky.” Alex Merriam- Webster Kompothecras back at it again with the BURNS! Nice try buddy, I guess they don’t have vocab in law school. (I believe Alex meant to say “fickle,” but let me know your thoughts.) Chloe fires back by asking Alex a question – why hasn’t he made things official with Alyssa yet? Future Lawyer Alex blesses us yet again with a genius rebuttal: “Why? Because… I’ve… learned that… you shouldn’t push things. And when… the time is right...” Chloe cuts him off by reiterating that Alex still continuously hits Juliette up. At this point, I feel so bad for Alyssa who is just sitting there like a vegetable. But before I can focus on how painfully awkward she must feel, Amanda randomly starts butting in and yelling at Chloe for inserting herself in everyone else’s relationships. Chloe inserting herself in other people’s lives is literally the core theme of the show. Please get over it. Amanda keeps yelling because she’s clearly annoyed with Chloe’s criticism of JJ, and as JJ sits there, harrowingly silent, Chloe tells Amanda to fuck off and storms out of the lake house. Let’s all pray she didn’t drive home. The night isn’t all bad though – after the fight, Jared ends up sealing the deal with Madi, who insists that she “usually doesn’t do this on the first night.” Okay, sweetie. After Jared is unable to perform, the night, which began on an explosive note ends on a rather underwhelming one.

The fourth may be over, but the aftermath from the day remains. And what better way to catch up on the day’s events than over lunch? As Chloe meets up with Juliette to explain what happened at the lake, Madisson takes Ish to meet up with her entire family and break her news to them. I predict that while Chloe and Juliette’s lunch will go swimmingly, Madisson and Ish’s lunch will turn sour quickly. And I’m right! Juliette drinks in every last detail of Chloe’s public fight with Alex. I’m proud of her for steering clear of the drama this time, but I’m not naïve. Juliette can only be on the Key drama-free for so long. Let’s check in with Madisson. As anticipated, this is not going well. After Madisson’s mom asks if she is pregnant, and Madisson’s Dad refuses to acknowledge that she and Ish are anything but “just friends,” Madisson tells her family that she plans to move to Los Angeles with Ish. They appear less than pleased. It is a stark contrast from Madisson’s giddy reaction when he initially proposed the idea. Ish gently reminds her family that while Madisson would like their blessing, she is a grown woman and can make her own decisions. He knows their situation is “so unique”, but hopes they will grow to accept their relationship. Paige, Madisson’s sister, breaks her silence. While Madisson was hoping she might be an ally for their relaysh, she turns out to be team parent. “Unique…?” Paige questions. “Isn’t this more of a cliché? The old Hollywood producer sleeping with the actress…” Ouch! And here I thought her father was the harsh one!

While Madisson’s relationship becomes increasingly rocky, Alex decides to take things up a notch with Alyssa. During a bizarre conversation in which he essentially admits that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Alex seals the deal with Alyssa and asks her to be official. I wonder what prompted him to take the next step! Could it have been Chloe point-blank asking him why he hadn’t made things official with Alyssa the night before? We may never know. Regardless, Alyssa accepts the clearly sincere offer and Siesta Key has a new power couple. “Wait,” you might be thinking. “New power couple? But what about Ish and Madisson?” Oh, thanks for the reminder. Alex and Alyssa are only able to overthrow this couple because…they’re done. Gasp! In a shocking scene, Ish breaks up with Madisson on national TV. If I’m Madisson, a stunning 25-year-old girl who is D-List famous and kind of intelligent, I’m furious. How dare my old, overweight ex-producer dump my ass in front of all of America. But after Ish says he needs space and doesn’t think they should be together, Madisson just starts to softly cry and runs off-screen, away from her now ex-Father ex-boyfriend. I am torn because I know that Ish means well. It’s like that time in Stephanie Meyer’s classic American novel, New Moon. When Edward realizes that his relationship with Bella puts her safety and ability to lead a normal life at risk, he knows he must leave her. Even if it’s the last thing he wants to do. He must act out of selfless love. Eventually, though, he comes back to Bella…we can only hope for the same fate for Dadisson.

Speaking of exes, let’s check in on everyone’s least favorite exes, Boring Robby and Juliette! Boring Robby is throwing some sort of strange soirée, and it’s a little awkward that Juliette is there considering the last time these two saw each other it ended rather abruptly. But Juliette, on a mature streak, pulls Boring Robby aside and apologizes for the harsh convo. She invites him to the Blend opening as a peace offering, and even though he accepts, Boring Robby can’t help but push for a few more answers. He asks Juliette why she would ever say she loved him, and Juliette responds by explaining that while she did love him, she wasn’t in love with him, because she felt like he was “fatherly.” Okay y’all, you’ve heard of getting friend-zoned, but today we’re introducing you to a new dating trend, getting “dad-zoned!” She ends the talk by saying that she’s ready to make her own decisions without the influence of any man. Yas kween! The only other notable thing that happens at this party is that Garrett refers to himself as the “G-Slanger,” which to me, is really thrilling.

But not everyone is dartying today. Despite their blowout, business aficionados Chloe and Alex must meet at the Crescent Club to “work.” Before they hit the books, Chloe expresses her frustration with Alex. She explains that Alex is now doing the same thing Juliette did at the beginning of the summer. He’s mad at Chloe for continuing to be friends with Juliette. And WHY can’t she be friends with both!? Alex vehemently denies this claim but agrees that they need to find a way to smooth things over with everyone. On a more somber note, Jake comes over to Kelsey’s house and tells her that his father passed away, so he needs to return home. He also breaks things off with her. :( One of those rare actually intense moments in this show.

Blending business and pleasure never works, so when Alex shows up at Blend’s sign hanging, Juliette looks less than amused. Instead of gearing up for the opening party that night, Alex whisks Juliette away from her boss and coworker to have a chat with her. The chat goes absolutely nowhere – they’re literally talking in circles, saying the same things we’ve heard for three seasons. Juliette tells Alex she’s going to pretend like he doesn’t exist, and Alex responds with a menacing smile and says, “see you later.” I’m scared.

It’s time for the official opening of Blend! While I’m still confused as to how they were able to pull it together in time when Juliette went to Greece instead of helping out, I’m so proud of Juliette, Juliette’s random friend Kelly, and Juliette’s bitchy boss Courtney. Great job, ladies! Everyone seems to be having a good time until Alex and Alyssa waltz in. The party crashers, making their debut as an official couple, make their way across the venue. But while Alyssa passes Boring Robby without a second glance, Alex, who has yet to see his “ex-friend who dated his ex-girlfriend,” stops in front of Boring Robby and flicks him on the face. If I’m Alyssa, I’m breaking up with Alex then and there. He might as well take the microphone and scream “I’M NOT OVER JULIETTE” into it. But of course, Alyssa turns the other way and pretends to barely notice it. Boring Robby is still visibly reeling from the flick. Even though he’s trying to pretend like it was funny, you can tell he’s taken aback. Alex approaches him AGAIN, slaps him on the ass, and threatens to “knock [his] fake-ass teeth out.” In true Boring Robby fashion, he simply walks away, refusing to engage and keeping things as boring as possible. Luckily, Boring Robby’s spunky friend Joe is there to keep the reality show on track and talk a lot of shit. He starts by flipping Alex off and saying that Alex “hides behind his money.” Alex responds by bringing up Robby’s penis size. Maybe we’ve gotten it wrong this whole time. Maybe Alex is really into Boring Robby, and is mad at Juliette for getting in the way. Eventually, Alex lunges at Joe and threatens to fight him. As a future lawyer, Alex should know better than to physically attack anyone in public, specifically someone who is a literal walking hate crime, but then again, Alex isn’t known for his intelligence.

The next day, Kelsey heads to Boring Robby’s to make sure her job is still secure in light of all of the chaos that has ensued. (Remember that he’s randomly her boss, lol.) He assures her that all is okay, and has no problem with “continuing to use and abuse her.” I don’t think he got that quote from his collection of bizarre inspirational sayings, but it still made me cringe just the same. When Kelsey brings up the fight, Robby describes it as “par for the course.” I cannot get enough of his expressions! They’re never-ending! Later, when Juliette checks on Boring Robby to make sure he’s okay after the fight, he also assures her that he’s okay, that the fight was “par for the course,” and that “some zebras never change their stripes.” I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Boring Robby is truly the Confucius of our generation.

In the wake of the big fight, Chloe, resident shit-stirrer, is more determined than ever to mend all of the strife in her friend group (that she primarily caused.) Summoning her inner Mother Teresa, Chloe sends out a text to her friends demanding they meet up to hash things out. The text ends with a sweet message – “YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BE THERE SO I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING EXCUSES.” Chloe certainly knows the way to people’s hearts!

In the final scene of this lengthy, two-episode extravaganza, we see the OG crew plus Jared at a bonfire. It’s nice to see all of the original cast together. Madisson kicks off the meeting by explaining how important everyone is to her. She breaks down, detailing how badly she needs a support system since her family hasn’t been there for her and Ish is gone. Chloe quickly glazes over the heartfelt cry for help and changes the direction of the conversation towards Alex and Juliette. As she tries to get them to see eye to eye, a very wasted Juliette calls Alex a “piece of shit” while Alex laughs in her face and tells her to go “bob her head” in the corner. I hate myself for laughing, but Juliette definitely nods her head weirdly when drunk. They peel off and have an emotional conversation that everyone can hear, and it ends with Alex holding a sobbing Juliette, assuring her that he would jump in front of a bullet for her. I don’t know about you, but I probably wouldn’t be chill with my boyfriend doing that with (or for) his ex. Either way, at least they aren’t screaming at each other.

The episode ends with Brandon announcing a trip to Nashville. He’s going to record a song and wants to bring everyone along for a vacation. The two-part finale will take place in Nashville, and I cannot wait. In the words of Alex Kompothecras, future lawyer, “Sara-nara!” See y’all in Nashville next week!

[buzzfeedreader]

Jonathan Leibson / Getty Images

SZA’s Ctrl is a black girl’s Tumblr come to melodic, vibrant life.

SZA, who is 26 years old and grew up in New Jersey, is speaking in a specific vernacular that will be familiar to black women who spend chunks of their time in certain corners of the internet. It is apparent right from the opening song, "Supermodel," which begins with a recording of the singer’s mother speaking on the grand theme of the record (“That is my greatest fear. That if, if I lost control or did not have control, things would just, you know. I would be be...fatal”). It’s not that the lyrics come in the form of some impenetrable fancy language, necessarily — it is standard (African-)American English, after all — it is the attitude with which she throws out the lyrics that catches the ear, and then makes the words linger on the mind.

When she plaintively sings “Why can’t I stay alone just by myself / wish I was comfortable just with myself” on that opener, for example, you can almost taste the minimalist Tumblr theme; if you close your eyes you can picture an ironic Blingee lighting up on a loop behind your eyelids. Ctrl is covering much of the ground that fills my own dashboard up every single day, the hundreds of posts that essentially boil down to a quest for self-determination — self-determination in a world that seems hell-bent on pushing us into predesignated roles and situations. And that is expressed in pithy but heartfelt text posts about black girl magic in all its forms, mood boards and videos of hair and fashion inspiration, and the men and women we fancy and love, alongside photo sets and GIF sets of nostalgia-nourished TV shows and age-relevant quotes about life and love and self-care. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that SZA was for a good long time an active Tumblr user (I have followed her on there for years). Even now, via her million-follower Instagram, her preferred platform these days, SZA is still doing much of what her Tumblr used to do (minus the direct contact afforded by her Ask box). Last month she posted a screenshot of a Tumblr post about awkward flirting with the caption: “who dragged me like this?”

SZA’s reputation has been building for years via a couple of well-received EPs, See.SZA.Run and S, and her first studio album Z. In 2013, she signed with indie label Top Dawg Entertainment, the home of Kendrick Lamar and the rest of the Black Hippy crew — the first woman to do so. Three years later, she appeared on and co-wrote Rihanna’s opening Anti track, “Consideration.” Collaborating with the likes of Jill Scott and Chance the Rapper, she’s been making atmospheric, lush, and moody R&B that is as much throwback as it is forward-looking, and it is a combination that has made listeners consider her a safe pair of hands (3.9 million monthly listeners on Spotify is no small feat, after all) — the evidence of which lies in her label’s ease with releasing Ctrl in the same week as Katy Perry’s latest.

Music like SZA’s found its first home on Black Girl Tumblr. Or, at the very least, gained loyal followings there. Artists like SZA, H.E.R., Jennah Bell, Jhené Aiko, and so on were the much-cherished discoveries of like-minded girls and young women who were also yearning for their own reflection to come back undistorted. And so perhaps it is inevitable and fitting that listening to SZA’s Ctrl often feels like reading a series of all lowercase, punctuation-free Tumblr text posts. Those posts are often telling a version of the truth, comically bemused but with an arched eyebrow. SZA is earnest, yes, but that doesn’t mean her eyebrow isn’t raised throughout Ctrl.

You can almost hear that eyebrow creak upward on "Garden (Say It Like Dat)” in which she sings engagingly about self-doubt and anxiety: “Lie to me and say / my booty gettin’ bigger even if it ain’t” is a funny, relatable lyric. And even before she expands it into something more plainly stated, it carries undertones of a little sort of sadness. The latter half of this second-verse lyric, for example, is tongue in cheek and on the nose: “I know you'd rather be laid up with a big booty / body hella positive ‘cause she got a big booty” (her ad-lib — an incredulous “wow” — is pitch-perfect). But then the emotion pinballs quickly again with the quiet admission that comes by verse’s end: “You know I'm sensitive ‘bout havin' no booty / havin' no body / only you, buddy / can you / hold me when nobody’s around us?”

In many ways SZA is singing about the things we have come to expect from our indie-slash-folksy white female singer-songwriters, but what Ctrl is delivering comes as experienced and reported through a firmly black girl lens. Like another young musician who has developed an ardent following, British singer-songwriter Nao, SZA makes pop that's sincere — almost painfully so — but she is also playful and smart and funny. Even when she is not in control (of her gravity, of her ex, of the size of her booty), she’s still "finding herself" while remaining refreshingly self-aware — she knows who she is and roughly where she wants to end up. I thought a lot about Nao’s For All We Know while listening to Ctrl and had a clear thought: Where Nao’s constructions sound something akin to black girl church, SZA sounds like the aftermath of a black girl night out (one in which you might have found yourself crying in the club). It perfectly encapsulates that keyed-up post-club, pre-sleep 3 a.m. feeling when feelings are close to the surface.

There is also a firmness in SZA’s persona on this record, best exemplified by her grandmother’s short, spirited interlude at the end “Love Galore”, addressing SZA by her given name, Solána Imani Rowe: “But see, Solána? If you don’t say something, speak up for yourself, they think you stupid. You know what I’m saying?” It’s a nod and a wink to the listener. SZA knows who’s listening, and who that message is for. Another noteworthy and matter-of-fact exemplification comes straight out the gate on “Doves in the Wind”: “Real niggas do not deserve pussy.” Which is self-explanatory.

On “The Weekend,” a soon-to-be sidepiece classic, SZA is funny: “My man is my man is your man / heard it’s her man too,” she coos dismissively before telling her paramour to make sure he’s at her place “by 10:30 / no later than / drop them drawers / give me what I want.” And on “Drew Barrymore” (a geniusly titled song, effortlessly conjuring as it does images of '90s teen rom-coms and coded norms of suburban insecurity and acceptance), she is sharp: “I’m sorry you got karma comin’ to you.” When she sings wistfully about the titular character from 1994 film Forrest Gump (first in cinemas when she was 4), SZA’s being cute but also serious — imagine a world in which pussy was given to only deserving men! “Where's Forrest now when you need him?” she intones almost solemnly on "Doves in the Wind.” “Talk to me.”

The dip into the '90s oeuvre of Robert Zemeckis notwithstanding, Ctrl is very much of the now. Even with its dizzying array of producers, the entire record sounds cohesively and fluently like 2017: Peep the references to Netflix show Narcos (which also got a shoutout on Stormzy’s 2017 LP Gang Signs and Prayer) or the aforementioned “body positive” (a term whose overuse has given it an unearned negative reputation on Tumblr and beyond). On “Normal Girl,” SZA borrows liberally from Drake’s 2016 single “Controlla” (“You like it / when I be / aggressive”). Even the nostalgic TV Ctrl harks back to is curiously very current again: that period in the '90s that young people have rediscovered and which they quote liberally from, thanks to streaming. SZA refers to comedy sketch show MadTV on “Doves in the Wind,” and on “Go Gina” she uses one of Martin Lawrence’s catchphrases from his sitcom Martin.

Ctrl is a mishmash of so many influences, which will continue to reveal themselves as it beds in with listeners. Its pop DNA is evident in its many catchy hooks and choruses (“Prom” sounds like a 2017 update of Gwen Stefani’s “Cool,” for example), and her guest stars — Kendrick Lamar, Travis Scott, James Fauntleroy, Isaiah Rashad — add weight but are never overwhelming. SZA has an ear for what is aurally pleasing and commercial: Upon my third listen to the record, I was struck by how happily pretty much every song would sit on the soundtrack of a teen show (won’t someone invite her to score a black girl coming-of-age movie, please?).

What sells the record best, though, is SZA’s own conviction. Like the black girls who live their multi-adjectived lives on Tumblr, she is the best chronicler of her own life. It’s an expansion of self-identity that stretches beyond Strong Black Woman (which is not entirely discarded as one facet) and travels into the territory we have always known was in us. SZA’s music is vulnerable and sweet, self-questioning and self-affirming, all at the same time, in a way that is performative, yes — but also intimate and tender. It is a snapshot of one 26-year-old’s life right now, much like all those Tumblrs are moments in amber. Ctrl feels “Dear Diary” real, which is to say it is Black Girl Tumblr writ large. Control, in all avenues, is the defining characteristic, and it is powerful. “I belong to nobody / hope it don’t bother you / you can mind your business / I belong to nobody” SZA sings on “Go Gina.”

Listening to Ctrl, you don’t doubt it.

—Bim Adewunmi on SZA’s new album

[richmegavideo]

Meek Mill, Drake – Going Bad (8D AUDIO)

Meek Mill, Drake – Going Bad (8D AUDIO)

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Lyrics to "Meek Mill, Drake – Going Bad (8D AUDIO)" [Intro: Drake & Future] Yeah (Wheezy outta here) G, G

[Verse 1: Drake] Back home, smokin' legal (Legal) I got more slaps than The Beatles (Beatles) Foreign shit runnin' on diesel, dawg Playin' with my name, that shit is lethal, dawg (Who you say you was?) Don Corleone Trust me, at the top it isn't lonely (Strapped) Everybody actin' like they know me, dawg Don't just say you're down, you gotta show me (What you gotta do?) Bring the clip back empty (It's empty) You asked to see the boss, so they sent me, dawg (Sent me, dawg) I just broke her off with a 10-piece, dawg (10-piece, dawg) That ain't nothin', I'm just bein' friendly, dawg

[Chorus: Drake] It's just a lil' 10-piece for her Just to blow it in the mall, doesn't mean that we're involved I just... what? I just... uh, put a Richard on the card I ain't grow up playin' ball, but I'll show you how the fuck you gotta do it If you really wanna ball 'til you fall When your back against the wall And a bunch of niggas need you to go away Still goin' bad on 'em anyway Saw you last night, but did it broad day

[Post-Chorus: Drake] Yeah, lot of Murakami in the hallway (What?) Got a sticky and I keep it at my dawg's place Girl, I left your love at Magic, now it's all shade Still goin' bad on you anyway

[Interlude: Meek Mill] Woah, woah, ooh, woah Woah, woah, ah

[Verse 2: Meek Mill] I could fit like 80 racks in my Amiris (80 racks) Me and Drizzy back-to-back, it's gettin' scary (Back-to-back) If you fuckin' with my opps, just don't come near me (Get outta my way) Put some bands all on your head like Jason Terry (Brrt, brrt, ooh) Richard Mille cost a Lambo (That's a Lambo) Known to keep the baddest bitches on commando (Salute) Every time I'm in my trap, I move like Rambo (Extended) Ain't a neighborhood in Philly that I can't go (That's a Fendi) For real She said, "Oh, you rich rich?" ("You rich rich") Bitch, I graduated, call me "Big Fish" (Marlin) I got Lori Harvey on my wish list (That's Lori) That's the only thing I want for Christmas (True story, uh) I've been had my way out here, yeah, know that's facts (Facts) You ain't livin' that shit you say, yeah, we know that's cap (That's cap) You ain't got to ask me when you see me, know I'm strapped (Brrt) DC, OVO, we back again, we goin' plat' (Ooh, ooh)

[Chorus: Drake] It's just a lil' 10-piece for her Just to blow it in the mall, doesn't mean that we're involved I just... what? I just... uh, put a Richard on the card I ain't grow up playin' ball, but I'll show you how the fuck you gotta do it If you really wanna ball 'til you fall When your back against the wall And a bunch of niggas need you to go away Still goin' bad on 'em anyway Saw you last night, but did it broad day

[Outro: Future] Wheezy outta here

___

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[evenstevensranked]

#53: Season 1, Episode 13 - “After Hours”

Ren is late for school and gets detention. Now the world is ending because she’s in desperate need of extra time to finish up a display for LJH’s 75th anniversary. So, with some help from Louis and a new pal from detention.. she sneaks into school at night to get it done.

This episode opens with Louis walking into Ren’s room at night, eating a chocolate bar. He asks Ren (who’s asleep) if he can use her laptop and takes a tired sigh from her as a “yes.” Pretty sure that wouldn’t hold up in court. I’m still not sure why Louis needs Ren’s laptop at 1:27AM but with most things Louis does — I’m not even gonna ask. In the process of unplugging her computer, Louis accidentally unplugs Ren’s alarm clock. Which is literally THE WORST. I hate when my alarm doesn’t go off. It’s sort of a fear of mine. So, basically I’m watching Ren live out one of my nightmares. She’s woken up by the sound of a lawnmower and she clearly suffers a “holy crap I overslept” heart attack. Again… The worst. She sees her laptop is missing and her extension cord is covered in chocolate. Which can only mean one thing… Louis.

She gets ready at the speed of light and rushes to school. When she gets there she bumps into Wexler who reminds her about the display project and she assures him she has organized everything into boxes and only needs a few hours to set it all up. I’m laughing because he mentions he’s been called out of town for “principal business” yet he has a snorkel and goggles in his bag. He quickly covers them and tries to act like it’s a “very important conference” simply because he “has to take a plane and everything!!1!” Again, Ren tells him not to worry while he’s gone. She vows to get the display done in time.

Due to Wexler’s absence, Coach Tugnut is put in charge. Ren asks why Vice Principal Mason isn’t in charge, but in Season 3 their Vice Principal is Mr. Landau. Just something I noticed. Anyway, Tugnut’s the “top dawg” and he’s on a power trip. Ren ends up being late for gym and Tugnut makes her sit the class out next to a girl who’s coloring her toenails with a crayola marker (she makes sure to say it’s “non-toxic.”) She’s obviously supposed to be an ~edgy~ trouble maker. As soon as Ren sits down, the girl introduces herself as Chloe and starts talking to her. And then… *dun, dun, duuuun* Tugnut gives them detention for “illegal use of the mouth.” Um…

Ren approaches the detention room after school that day like she’s walking to her execution. The detention monitor is an old dude who’s apparently been “asleep since 1985” according to Chloe. This guy must be a saint or something because he’s obviously dead and there’s no explanation for why he hasn’t decomposed after 16 years. Of course, the room is full of strange kids and Ren is a fish out of water. Chloe introduces Ren to everyone and suddenly Louis walks in shouting “MY PEOPLE!” and they’re all pumped to see him. Yep. Louis is Detention King. Unsurprisingly. 

Louis has this awkward looking scrape on his chin. He plays it off as a “sports injury” but Ren exposes his lies and says he got it from tripping over their TV remote. I feel like they wrote this into the script because Shia actually had a scrape on his chin. It’s so random and I don’t know why they’d decide to give Louis this ugly thing on his face just to casually address it once. Plus, Shia has said before that they would write things into the script all the time (as well as ad-lib.) So, yeah. That’s what I’m betting.

Suddenly a microphone comes down from the ceiling. Louis says “Let the games begin” and within a few seconds they proceed to transform the room into a hamster race arena. I always felt like the surreal element didn’t come in until the second season… but then I remember that stuff like this happened in Season 1. I guess the show always had that element, I just prefer the episodes that don’t. Louis smells french fries which means Tugnut is on the move. They scramble to revert the classroom to the way it was.

Ren tries to show remorse to Tugnut in an attempt to get out of detention early and finish the display. But, a hamster crawls up her pant leg mid-speech and she starts screaming. For some reason, Tugnut gives Ren double detention for it and tells everyone else to leave. 

After detention that day, Ren comes busting into Louis’ room and finds him applying crayola marker (that he makes sure to say is “non-toxic”) to his chest to look like hair. Is using crayola markers on your body and explicitly saying it’s non-toxic a thing that detention kids do or something? Why else have Chloe and Louis both do and say that in the same episode? Louis tells Ren that she didn’t “break the code” by telling Tugnut about the hamster race, so he offers to help her out with getting the display done. Wexler calls Ren from his important principal conference (a.k.a - a hot tub party) and is under the impression that Ren has finished the display. Now she has no choice but to go with Louis’ plan — which involves sneaking into the school at night. Couldn’t they just go on Saturday or Sunday, though? No one will be around then either, but.

“Just wanted to see how it’d look...” 

Wexler’s important conference. 

Louis called on Chloe for backup and she shows up whisper-yelling like “YOOU-WHOO! IS THIS WHERE THE TOP SECRET MISSION IS?!?!” Wow. Everything seems easy enough, but Tugnut is at the school rollerskating in the halls like the strange man he is. So, basically they have to spend the rest of the night making sure he doesn’t catch them. That’s really the rest of the episode. This one was/is hell for me to review for some reason because… not much happens really.

Louis brought Jumbo Size Crinkle Fries to distract Tugnut with. You know where the Faculty Sauna and the Wexlervator once were? Well this week, it’s a closet. They take a fan out from there and try to lure Tugnut to the smell of the fries. All they leave is the empty container so that he’ll have no choice but to go and get fries for himself because he’s a french fry addict apparently. And he does leave but before he goes he makes sure to turn on freaking HEAT, LIGHT, AND MOTION SENSITIVE LASERS, RIGHT IN FRONT OF REN’S DISPLAY CASE. What the heck?! What Junior High school is so important that it needs freaking lasers to keep people away? Well, Ren is storing school artifacts from the last 75 years in boxes underneath the display case. So, maybe they’re trying to protect them?! lol, it’s the only thing I can think of because there’s literally no need for this. Louis says he’s “wispy” and dances his way through the lasers. Aside from the fact that he most definitely hit a few on his way to the other side… he successfully disarms them. This whole sequence is ridiculous but I love Louis too much to care.

The Faculty Sauna, Wexlervator, Storage Closet area... lol. 

Ren and Chloe get to work on the project. But, Louis decides to cool off in front of the giant fan and blows all of their materials away. This pisses me off. When Ren tells him to turn the fan off, he cranks it up accidentally. Instead of just turning the fan around, he leaves it and on stands in front of it as if that’s going to help the situation. He finally turns it around and off, but Ren is left in a mess. This gives me so much anxiety. Thankfully, Chloe suggests that they forget about making it “perfect” and just slap together some funky display instead. I can tell you right now, I am positive that it turned out a million times better than whatever Ren had originally planned. So… shout out to Chloe! It all worked out! :D Of course.

They finish and get out of there just before Tugnut returns. Tugnut is standing in the laser area, so Louis decides to sneakily turn them on before they leave. This totally could’ve killed Tugnut but he happened to be standing so that the lasers perfectly frame him. This is awful. He’s left straddling the lasers ALL WEEKEND. There’s no way. The heat and energy would’ve gotten to him and he would’ve died. Oh well.

Barbra Bushwick, a woman from the first graduating glass of LJH, is a guest at the 75th Anniversary on Monday. She compliments the display and says she loves the fact that it’s random and breaks boundaries! Ren, Louis and Chloe are all smugly proud of themselves. And that’s it.

Idk what it is, but it took FOREVER to even attempt to do this entry. I’ve been sitting here wondering why I didn’t rank this one lower… but, I just remembered that I really like seeing Louis and Ren work together. I just wish Louis had a bigger role in this episode and didn’t mess things up, haha. There’s also something I’ve always liked about being at school at night. Is that just me? Back in the day I loved going to functions at my middle school at night or on the weekends. Maybe I’m just weird. This is another episode that doesn’t have a subplot. That probably has something to do with it. I had trouble tackling Duck Soup for that reason, as well. Idk why. But, yeah. It’s a pretty simple episode. I feel like some people might find this one a little boring. 

Thank you so much for reading! I desperately want… no, need… to stick to a schedule so that this can be a definite, fun weekly thing for all of us.

Chime in below with your thoughts on the episode!

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[deadcactuswalking]

‘ZEZE’, The Perfect Trap-Rap Trainwreck. [REVIEW]

2018 has been a pretty odd year for popular music. I mean, it’s been pretty impressive too, tons of records are being broken right now, in fact, the song we’re going to talk about today has broken one of those records (although easily one of the least important ones). I’ll talk more about 2018 as a year overall when I make my best and worst lists (which, no, this song won’t be on either despite who made it), but let’s just focus on this one song, and how perfect it is – despite being freakin’ awful, generic and borderline unlistenable. Let me elaborate.

SONG REVIEW: “ZEZE” – Kodak Black, Travis Scott & Offset – Produced by D.A. Doman

What record did this break, do you ask? Well, with the advent of SoundCloud rap, mumble-rap and emo-rap becoming the new wave, some stranger music has crept onto the charts, whether it be because of its sound or background and/or origin story. Memes have gotten music popular for ages but a 90s Latin reggaeton/house track by the “Chacarron Macarron” guy which translates to “Give me your little thing” becoming a top 40 hit is relatively unheard of – this is especially weird because the remix with Pitbull was released way after the song blew up and then fizzled out. I know Pitbull was always on his way out and he’s basically now a living meme anyway but it’s still a shock to see stars I knew so well fade away like this – oh, yeah, and how does celebrity status and star-power matter even more than it ever has been and none at all at the same time? We’re about to get a Mia Khalifa diss track released in February by two teenagers after a fake tweet was posted by some Instagram page on the charts simply because of the power of some girl in cosplay lip-synching to the second (and more meme-able) verse on TikTok.

Hit or miss - I guess they never miss, huh? – Smoke Hijabi, iLOVEFRiDAY’s “Mia Khalifa Diss”

Yet we still can’t get rid of that pesky Drake rascal, hell, he nearly hit #1 again, this time entirely uncredited!

I did half a Xan, 13 hours ‘til I land / Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah – Drake, Travis Scott’s “SICKO MODE”

Last year we had the shortest song to reach the top 5 since the early 1960s, with “Gucci Gang” by Lil Pump, peaking at #3 despite a puny runtime of a mere 2 minutes and 4 seconds. Today, we’re talking about a song that peaked just one slot higher, and became the highest-charting song EVER on the Hot 100 that starts with the letter “z”. Yes, it’s an odd, unimportant and pointless milestone but it’s something nonetheless. Oh, but that’s far from the most interesting part of this song. Let’s talk about the production first, mostly because any time I can stall before talking about Kodak Black should be savoured greatly. It was produced by D.A. Doman, most known nowadays for that “Taste” song by Tyga, in fact, Tyga even remixed “ZEZE” because the beats were so similar, and there’s only one beat Tyga ever does all that well on – and it’s tropical synth-lead trap. The bass on “Taste” was mixed well, though. I feel like there’s too little here and it could do with some pumping up, although it does give the steel pans a very airy feel, to be fair, and those little tiny details like that funky synth that just kind of appears briefly as a speck in Kodak’s refrain are just really top-notch, and that catchy and clean vocal sample playing throughout the song pushes this beat into truly great territory. Hell, the beat was so good that it made the song a meme months before its release, where people added a caption to Kodak and Travis dancing very... interestingly to the song. There was also a teaser where it was just 40 seconds of the beat building up with people saying “f**k ‘em up, Kodak” in the background, and someone was dancing there too. I don’t know, all I know is that this beat is fantastic and... everyone’s gonna mess this up, aren’t they?

Well, Travis doesn’t, really, he’s just odd. After like 5 seconds of the beat without any percussion or bass, just the steel pans and basically no build-up excluding Doman’s producer tag, the catchy “D.A got that dope!” phrase, it goes straight into the beat, bass and all, as well as Travis’ vocals which have like twenty layers each of some gross autotune and reverb effects. Seriously, it’s slathered to hell and back with vocal manipulation and it’s really unpleasant, especially when it’s drowned in all these ad-libs. Let’s focus on the lyrics of Travis’ hook, though, because they’re really cute. It plays out as, to say it bluntly, “Baby’s First Rap Chorus”. All the clichés are there, but in their purest form.

Ice water, turned Atlantic (freeze!) / Nightcrawlin’ in the Phantom (skrrt, skrrt) / Told them hoes that don’t you panic

His wrist is froze because of his diamonds. He has a black luxury car, he’s lazily referencing his other, much better songs, and he has to add in those essential “skrrt, skrrt” ad-libs. Oh, well, at least there are attempts at being unique here, with the last line, especially since we can assume they’re in water here, so Travis desperately reassures the countless amount of women he is having sex with, “Don’t worry, it’s a Phantom! We’re not going to drown to our deaths!” And then he goes, “screw it”, and starts actually adjusting the Phantom so they have more space, thus his “hoes” do not die, depriving him of pleasure and satisfaction.

Dropped the roof, more expansion / Drive a coupe you can stand in (IT’S LIT!)

You know what, that’s a good idea, but, yeah, I’m kidding, it’s not that deep – it’s just that he’s driving fast. Of course it isn’t anything all too conceptual.

Took an island (yeah), flood the mansion (big water!)

Sorry, what was that last part?

(Big water!)

Big water? I mean, I know the line is about how he took a lot of producers and rappers to his ASTROWORLD sessions on a Hawaiian island or something, but is “big water” seriously something people say? It just seems so dumb and kind of childish. In fact, while we’re on the subject...

B****es undercover (in the sheets!) / I’m an a** and tiddy lover (big a**) / Guess we all made for each other

Rappers never really brag about taking time to appreciate the woman’s body whilst “in the sheets” but you know what, sure, I’ll take that, but the second line just potentially demonstrates the naivety of this chorus, like, it’s just pure rap cliché but in such a way that makes it seem like Travis is a robot that has been analysing rap lyrics and programming a very blunt and obvious bar that exemplifies that. Oh, and the last part is just a dumb filler rhyme, although it’s kind of funny to think about how it must be up to destiny that Travis’ girl has a big butt and he likes big butts.

Now that all the dawgs free (yeah, yeah) / And we out in these streets (alright) / Can you do it, can you pop it for me?

The robot theory is developed even further when we notice these two statements are entirely unrelated. My friends are free from prison, but we’re still in the streets, therefore, pop that kitty for me, girl. This is how the chorus ends too, it’s so anti-climactic, although I do want to point out that Offset more than makes up for Travis’ strange twisting of lyrical cliché, as his verse is pretty fantastic. The flow is great throughout, with some nice switches that keep the surprisingly long verse still feeling fresh and short by the end.

She an addict (addict)

Please don’t rhyme it with—

Addict for the lifestyle and the Patek (Patek), big daddy

Son of a—

Anyways, there are plenty of relatively memorable lines here that end up being pretty quotable, such as... UK football references?

In the middle of the field like David Beckham (field, bow-bow!!)

Oh, and they kind of explain what “ZEZE” means – it means “zombie”, a slang term for, of course, lean... because it’s 2018.

Pop pills, do what you feel, I’m on that zombie (hey, hoo!) / I’m more like Gaddafi, I’m not no Gandhi (Gaddafi, hey)

Oh, um, some of these lines come off as kind of rapey though, which is not the greatest tone to go for when you have a song with Kodak Black, to say the least.

I go in her mouth, she can’t tell me nothin’ (ugh, ugh, ugh)

Oh, and I guess it’s finally time to talk about the alleged rapist elephant in the room.

On my Kodak, woo, Black, ooh, know that – Childish Gambino, “This is America”

I’m not going to bring up his allegations anymore because frankly they’re completely irrelevant to his performance here, and all he actually adds to this review is proof for my conclusion: this song has so much good qualities, but they paint them in the grossest green colour possible. Each one of these guys just ruin the gifts they’re provided with. In fact, the beat changes for Kodak so he doesn’t sound as offbeat as usual, and, of course, it doesn’t work at all, he still sounds pretty terrible as always, but still, D.A. Doman switches up the beat slightly (which was near perfect as it was) to accommodate for the talentless and directionless ramblings of Mr. Kodak Black.

Pull up in a Demon, on God (on God) / Looking like I still do fraud (fraud) / Flyin’ private jet with the rod (rod) / This that Z-s**t, this that Z-s**t (this that Z-s**t)

Kodak is so unlikeable here. He sounds like he was on a news interview, with a noticeable Southern drawl, that went viral enough in 2011 to get an autotuned Songify This remix. Honestly, it sounds that painful of a vocal, and without the Gregory Brothers’ pretty great production and knack for melody, this is just a strain on both Kodak’s voice and my ear-drums.

I got the fire on me in BET Awards

I’m less surprised that you have a gun rather just that you’re allowed in the BET Awards.

In a Hellcat cos I’m a hell-raiser

Man, this song is robotically programmed, I swear! There’s no attempt at portraying any unique lyrical characteristics, personality or even a single attempt at interesting wordplay, rather we get a catchier version of Kodak’s typical topics, just in an even more boring flow this time, and delivered like he’s on pain medication... which is probably what they’re going for here. What a waste of a fantastic, beautifully-produced instrumental, one of the most diverse and unique trap-rappers out there in the form of Travis Scott, who is relegated to his awfully-written hook duty, and what a waste of that amazing Offset verse. Seriously, Offset, kick Kodak off, switch him for another awful human being, Tyga, and save this song (including Travis’ admittedly fun, albeit silly, hook) for your upcoming solo album. I can’t let Kodak Black own this song, it’s too good for him in concept. What a perfect trainwreck. Everything is given to them completely prepared and in good condition, and then they just trash it. This song is when you get something valuable or useful for a damn good price and your dog eats it within five minutes of you opening it.

Hit that Z-walk, Dickies with my Reeboks

Oh, come on, Kodak, I know I don’t like your song but you didn’t have to give me Vietnam flashbacks of Lil Dicky. That’s just not cool. See ya on Thursday, everyone. Peace.

[meanwhileinoz]

The Internet Can’t Stop Asking ‘Where TF Are Lil Tay’s Parents?’

In case you’re an adult and aren’t keeping up with the latest in social media influencers/stars, Lil Tay is a 9-year-old “rapper” that has a foul mouth and an even worse Instagram profile.

First, let me just hit you with this video. “Lil Tay,” as she calls herself, is walking through a bathroom, closet, and bedroom with some cash in her hand mouthing off about how she grew up broke in Atlanta and at the age of 6-years-old, starting “moving bricks” to live in a mansion with a view of The Hills.

Ok.

Apparently, she has no license but bought/drives this sports car for “$200 thousand.”

She keeps a “big choppa on the streets.”

I wish there was an emoji big enough to show you how much I am rolling my eyes. If this is the future of the young generation, I’m so worried for the world. This little girl should be in school, or playing soccer, or doing something productive with her time. I don’t know whose money that is, or where she got it from, but I know this 9-year-old is not moving any bricks.

WHERE TF ARE THIS GIRL’S PARENTS?!? My mom would drag me across the neighborhood screaming at me if she ever saw me looking like this on social media. No way. Never.

Twitter has some very, very strong opinions and thoughts on this one.

I’ll kick that lil tay bitch in the chest wit the strength of 10 crackheads

— DAISY (@bitchomiequan) April 17, 2018

WHAT WE AREN’T ABOUT TO DO is let another young girl get famous for being disrespectful and acting something she isn’t. Where is “lil Tay’s” parents ☹️☹️☹️

— sam ♕ (@SincerelySammiJ) April 16, 2018

….kids born after 2000 are a different breed pic.twitter.com/t2hbeLWGpz

— IS THERE A BUDGET? (@goldenpolaroid) April 16, 2018

Whoever Lil Tays parents is … shame on them niggas

— JEAN CLAUDE (@CardoGotWings) April 16, 2018

Where is Lil tay Parents ??

— Powers Pleasant (@PowersPleasant) April 18, 2018

Alright where the FUCK did lil tay come from and WHO are her parents

— Victoria (@victoriawatttt) April 18, 2018

somebody call CPS on lil tay’s parents. that lil girl don’t need to be around ppl like that at 9 years old

— (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ KPOP KOZY ♥ (@kozysdeath) April 16, 2018

Please do not RT “Lil Tay” onto the TL, thanks.

– Management

— Ben Wegmann (@benwegmann) April 17, 2018

I’m actually very curious about lil tay. Like who is she,where are her parents, why does she have so much money,why is she in a chief keef song, why does she have a car but she 9,why is she with Vicky and fighting catch me outside girl Why can’t I find this information on google? pic.twitter.com/sybRkefK7g

— Andy® (@TheATrinh) April 16, 2018

I just wanna know why the fuck is that lil tay girl 9 years old out here chilling with teenagers? why the fuck she curse so much? where are her parents? & why is acs not involved?

— joshie (@21andmean) April 16, 2018

Me watching a lil tay video pic.twitter.com/Le6PXQ4BV3

— Astro- (@spacemanshek) April 18, 2018

“Lil Tay” is a 9-year-old girl (yes, 9) who is now famous. She hangs out with rappers, fights 15-year-old “Instagram models”, and appeared at Coachella.

Our society is evil. Not even children are spared. In fact, their degradation is celebrated by cheering crowds.

God spare us. pic.twitter.com/DxrLlvyxWS

— Matt Semite 🇸🇾 (@MattsOurSemite) April 17, 2018

please. i just learned who lil tay is. but. where are her parents. does she know what shes saying means. why was she there when bahd babbdie n whoa vicky almost fought. who are these people. im scremidng

— veronika (@jellybamboo) April 16, 2018

Somebody said lil Tay look like an Alaskan bull worm and…….. pic.twitter.com/zdkBHLYBAc

— De’von (@VonFrxmTha90s_) April 17, 2018

Could you imagine carrying your child for 9 months just for her to turn into Lil tay

— Sienna (@Bacchiballzz) April 17, 2018

Whoever lil tay parents are should have to give up rights to her.

Shit sad.

— INTERNET MONEY (@TheTazTaylor) April 16, 2018

bra where tf do lil tay’s parents be that’s what i wanna know lmao

— JELLYCAKES 🍓 (@jellycaaakes) April 16, 2018

lil Tay need a ass whoopin where her parents at

— cede$. (@lilbabycedes) April 16, 2018

where’s lil tay’s parents at? pic.twitter.com/QsoZ4Tc93V

— L (@7overgirl) April 17, 2018

Dawg who is lil tay parents😂😂

— Money (@Brayjour) April 16, 2018

  The post The Internet Can’t Stop Asking ‘Where TF Are Lil Tay’s Parents?’ appeared first on .

https://postaddict.com/2018/04/19/the-internet-cant-stop-asking-where-tf-are-lil-tays-parents/