#daniel experiences the full emotional spectrum here

[girlsdads]

maxiel; post-silverstone quali hurt/comfort, mild sexual content, ~900k

Steam is already curling out from under the bathroom door by the time Max returns to the suite. They’d ridden together that morning, but he’d left his debrief and found his motorhome empty. Some poor VCARB hospitality worker had been faced with Max’s frustrated disappointment upon hearing Daniel had already called a car. Another thing to hate about this year. Max can count on one hand the times Daniel’s made it out of Q2. It makes him want to run every other car off the track next time—he’d gladly take one million penalties if it meant Daniel got to sail right through.

He shimmies out of his jacket, drapes it over the back of one of the starkly modern chairs arranged in a stupid little seating area near the door. Rainwater drips onto the cushion, oddly satisfying. He thinks about Daniel in the hot, hot shower, washing the chill from his bones. Max himself doesn’t mind the weather much, but he could rip the clouds from the sky with how the rain makes Daniel shiver and shrink.

Max sheds his shirt next, tossing it onto the still unmade bed. Kicks his shoes off, hops from one foot to the other peeling his jeans down his legs. He’s naked by the time he enters the bathroom, the humid air heavy on his skin. He can see Daniel’s lovely silhouette through the steam, the strong lines of his back down to the gentle curve of his soft hips. He’s got his forearms pressed to the wall, head ducked and resting on his clasped hands. He doesn’t startle when Max opens the glass door and steps in behind him.

Inside the spacious stall the air feels thicker, almost suffocating. Daniel’s curls are flat to his forehead and his skin is flushed pink. He’s been in here for a long time already, Max can tell.

“Daniel,” Max touches the flat of his palm softly to the small of Daniel’s back. He is so warm. It takes everything in Max not to plaster himself to Daniel and shove them both against the shower wall, to feel him everywhere. But Daniel has been in here for too long and his sensitive skin will be getting pruny.

Max opens his mouth to say as much, but Daniel cuts him off. “None of it was my fucking fault, today.” His voice is practically a hiss.

“They put you out into traffic,” Max says calmly, his thumb rubbing small circles into one of the dimples at the base of Daniel’s spine. Max had been coming around toward the pitlane when his radio had chirped with Daniel is out now, Max. Max had of course seen Daniel pull onto the track, had seen the traffic there in front of him. Had tried to push Daniel forward with the sheer will of his own mind, as if his devotion alone could overcome shitty mechanics and shittier strategy.

“If it was me fucking up—I could handle that, y’know,” Daniel laughs, one of his honking ones, but it’s humorless. “They want me to prove myself? When they don’t give me a fucking fighting chance?”

Daniel suddenly whips around to face Max, his big round eyes a bit red like he’s been crying but a bit wild like he’s ready to put his fist through a wall. Max can’t help the way his cock starts to thicken a little between his legs.

“I dunno if I can do another year with this team, Maxy,” he says after a moment, his gaze flicking from holding Max’s to cast down at the tiled floor. The resigned admission is swallowed by the thick swirl of steam surrounding them.

Max chokes on the lump of panic that suddenly rises in his throat, the lingering dread that Daniel would not bother with him if he were no longer racing. The insidious little voice in his head that wishes Checo would just… disappear, so Daniel can have back the seat that has always been his.

Before Max’s brain can continue its spiral, Daniel chuckles, shakes his head, smiles tiredly but genuinely. His wrinkled fingertips come up to caress Max’s jaw in a way that makes Max want to melt into his skin.

“I’m expecting the full WAG experience, once I’m sacked.” He grins.

“You will of course be racing next year, Daniel.” Max is sure of this, as sure as he is of his own career. Though it is delicious to imagine a future where he could publicly pamper Daniel to his heart’s content.

“Mmm, you sound so sure of that, baby.” Daniel’s words are a rasp in his ear, breath hot on the wet skin there. “Wish everyone believed in me as much as you and I do.”

Max hears himself hiccup a gasp as Daniel’s teeth scrape over his earlobe at the same moment his hand wraps around where Max is fully hard, now. The raised wrinkles on Daniel’s fingertips feel like needlepoints against him. It makes him tremble.

“Just me, Daniel, and you—just us together—please,” Max pants as Daniel speeds his hand up, slipping the foreskin up and down and up and down. “Fuck everyone else.”

“Yeah, Maxy,” Daniel whispers, almost reverent, as Max spills over his fist. “Fuck everyone else.”

[replicantdeviancy]

Outline:

Connor E. Arkeit (26yo) is a homicide detective for the Detroit Police, Central Precinct, in downtown Detroit. He has been working with the DPD for four years, experience outside of the academy of two years as an officer before receiving a promotion into the detective position in Homicide, where he has a further two years experience. Before joining the force Connor attended college at Michigan State where he had a double major in forensics & criminal psychology. He graduated summa cum laude along with his two brothers. Within the DPD Connor quickly made a name for himself, not only in regards to his appearance & magnetic, charming personality, but with his work performance. To date, his case record stands at seven assigned cases solved, thirteen cold cases solved; solving cold cases has become something of a hobby for himself & his brothers in their free time.

Skills:

Connor has expressed a certain skill level for making seemingly impossible connections through evidence that help solve his cases. The gift of imagination coupled with his extremely proficient sense of observation builds the underlining structure of in depth reconstructions of scenes & incidents, & he has the ability to run through those reconstructions within his minds eye. (Connor used to place himself into the point of view of the perpetrator in order to better understand them in a psychological profiling, but after the Zlatko case he no longer does.) In Connor’s imagination he is the unseen observer to the crime, watching it unfold either in pieces or as a collective in order to fully understand what happened. Note: Because of his observant capacity he is often able to predict events with a strong level of accuracy, aiding him in planning & execution of close quarters combat & defense.

Due to his mental condition, Connor is an extremely proficient tactician, using psychological & emotional manipulation both in his work as well as occasionally in civilian life. He has been known to leave those he is tasked with interrogating in a disturbed state of being in extreme cases, though more often than not his tactics are standard police interrogation techniques. He is a calm & collected negotiator who can bury emotional instability under pressure in order to accomplish his task. Connor has learned from many years of conscious practice to use his mental dysfunctions as a tool rather than a detriment, & while he can be incredibly empathetic & warm he also has the ability to shut his emotions off completely if it is necessary. He can lie without any indication save for the involuntary dilation of pupils, keeping his pulse steady & breath shallow.

His proficiency with weaponry & martial arts is impeccable, though he would claim he is still learning. His accuracy with firearms is upwards of 97% (conditions do apply) & he has proven a capable sniper. Close quarters combat is where he thrives & his dulled sense of pain helps mask the damage he might suffer. While not notably strong physically, Connor is very fast & agile, & he shows a talent for improvisation. He can be brutal if necessary. Around the office, the team gave him nicknames like ‘Bloodhound’ or ‘Plastic prick’ just to razz him, making him part of the group of older, more seasoned police officers. Criminals on the streets call him the Deviant Hunter.

Notable Case:

A hostage situation following a murder of John Phillips on Aug 15th, involving a housemaid turned hostile after discovering he was going to be dismissed in favor of a replacement. (Evidence suggested there may have been romantic involvement between the suspect & the victim.) The daughter, Emma, was taken hostage by the housemaid, Daniel, & threatened with her fathers handgun at the edge of the high-rise balcony. SWAT was called in but with Daniel being so close to the edge of the building it was decided that a negotiator should come in to handle the situation. Connor was called onto the scene, arriving at 08:29PM, where he took the time to profile the suspect before engaging in negotiations. Connor managed to lull Daniel into a sense of security enough to feel assured he would walk out of the situation unharmed, though in cuffs. He released Emma & was taken down by SWAT snipers.

It should be noted Connor was left with a thick scar on his shoulder from a gunshot where the deltoid muscle peaks. In a fit of confusion & panic Daniel fired a single shot at Connor, having initially believed he was Xander, Connor’s younger brother, who was at the scene with his SWAT team that evening.

Sidenote: It was the triplet’s birthday.

Zlatko Andronikov was a suspect in a large scale underground human trafficking ring in Detroit & was under investigation for multiple cases of murders in the area. A raid on his home in the historical district on Nov 6th uncovered a far deeper sinisterness to Zlatko than ever imagined. Beneath the mansion were cages where Zlatko kept some of his ‘experimental art’ - the ones who survived their transformations. People turned into mere flesh barely living, yet still breathing, tortured & disfigured beyond recognition as truly human. Most did not live beyond a few days after rescue, to which most believed was best. Zlatko was killed by a houseman he had manipulated into servitude & Connor was tasked with a profile on Zlatko in order to aid the court proceedings for Luther, in order to reduce his own sentencing for his employer’s death & for accessory charges.

This case broke Connor psychologically & he was forced to spend time on leave to recover from the traumatic experience of inserting himself into Zlatko Andronikov’s head on a psychological level.

Psychology:

Connor, like his brothers, has been diagnosed with moderate high functioning antisocial personality disorder. It is because of this condition he is able to act in ways & in situations people may find uncomfortable, callous or almost impossible. He carries out his objectives without compromise lest the involvement of his partner might somehow compromise the situation. He has been shot protecting his partner, Lt. Hank Anderson, & has killed to defend him in the line of duty. Connor finds difficulty in attaching any kind of emotions to those he has not become close with, & his outward demeanor is more superficial than completely genuine. He is friendly, sociable & very kind, but mostly out of necessity to make work & life easier. He shows concern for others not on his behalf, but on the behalf of those he does care for who might feel sincerely for another. He does not feel guilty for any cruel or damning actions performed in the line of duty, only feeling remorse if he manages to upset someone he feels genuinely for. He lies, is very manipulative & has a tendency to flirt with people, men & women, in order to obtain something he wants with relative ease. He may also flirt in response to another’s flirtations, amusing himself by playing with them a little before moving on.

On the other side of the spectrum, when he does manage to attach an emotional connection to someone he cares deeply, almost manically. His desire to protect & see those he loves well is near insatiable & he has been known to use those same manipulative tactics on people closest to him, though with sincere intentions for their wellbeing. He does not & will not attempt to isolate people from others, insert himself into situations for attention, or harm them in any way, especially psychologically. If he loves, it is completely. He will also never lie to a loved one on any important matter, or really any matter at all.

Though it is very well hidden most of the time, Connor has anxiety & depression, though his depressive moods are few & far between. His anxiety, however, is in constant contention with his numb state of being & only in rare cases will it ever come to light. Nervous fidgeting, such as with pocket change or stress-grooming, are commonplace, though he is not prone to panic unless someone he loves is in danger or his objective is dangerously close to failure.

Involvement:

Silent Hill - A fog loomed over him, not merely over his body but over his mind like a blanket, cool & soft, beckoning him into the darkness. Connor found himself in an unfamiliar place, in a state of utter deprivation, bewildered yet too fatigued to do anything about it. It was not a fatigue of the body, but of the mind which was so powerful it stole all strength from his body & he could not move himself. He didn’t know why this town stole him away, but he knew he would either become a sacrifice for God or repent for his past mistakes.

Resident Evil - Full outline HERE.

Hannibal/Silence of the Lambs - In pursuit of the Chesapeake Ripper, the team under Jack Crawford of the FBI grew needy for assistance as Crawford became further concerned that his specialized profiler, Will Graham, had been compromised psychologically & feared breaking him. Through his resources Crawford touched base with Detroit PD’s director of criminal psychology, Amanda Stern, who suggested her own protégé Connor Arkeit as a worthy successor. As such, Connor was assigned to work with FBI & transported temporarily to Quantico. There he was directed to work with Graham & learn what he could, ready to take over should there be a need for it. Instead he learned to completely harmonize with his partner, after realizing they both possess the same gifts of imagination & reconstruction. However, he realized Will could not turn off his empathy, & slowly Connor began to take on more & more in his role as profiler, both using Will for information & protecting him from further psychological trauma with mixed results.

Marvel 616/Netflix - Many months after the incident in New York when the world learned that extraordinary heroes walked among them & villainy came not only from the furthest reaches of the globe, but from beyond the stars. After the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen helped expose the corruption within the city & FBI filtered out the turncoats within the NYPD, New York was in dire need for replacements. The Arkeit siblings volunteered for a temporary transfer to help clean up the city & maintain order. Having grown up so close to the city limits of Detroit & fully immersing themselves into it’s culture, darkness & light, the trio believed they would be fit to handle the task. On a more personal note, the boys were highly intrigued by the tales of super heroes & vigilantes, & the exploits of organized crime within Hell’s Kitchen. Connor was intent on learning all that he could, against the warnings of his siblings that he might get in over his head.

[blveblood]

A couple HCs regarding my portrayal of RK800-51

(I never got to write these out but I suppose it’s high time - some at the end might be nsfw)

first and foremost - yes, it’s not 52 anymore. it’s rk800-51; while i was very fond of the idea of letting my sweet boy live with as much trauma as possible (i am a horrible mother, i know), i also had my issues with portraying him as scared of heights, since the death i did pick for him was him sacrificing himself to save emma and falling off the roof alongside daniel. of course i could have simply picked a different death for him, but nether of the scenarios seemed appealing enough to make it into the ‘main story’. this instance, of course, can be altered in various AUs.

while i went with the idea of connor being unable to cry, at first, i decided not to deny him this ability; he will still, in distressing situations, claim he is unable to cry, that androids in general should not possess this function, but it’s more of a defence mechanism than anything else.

he is, very much, unable to blush, at first, but will later acquire an add-on, allowing his emotions to be displayed more openly. he will be very excited about it, the couple first times he actually gets all flustered and blushy.

orientation-wise he resides somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum; he is, very much, interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but has his difficulties recognising romantic advances as such. 

he himself does not feel a desire to pursue sexual activities, but will oblige and participate if his partner asks him to do so. in these instances, while still very much inexperienced and confused at times, he still prefers to take the more dominant role. he likes to make his partner feel good, but does not really care for this particular kind of satisfaction himself.  to use a metaphor for it - when presented with a table full of various delicious dishes, he will still politely decline, simply not feeling particularly hungry for any. should he be asked to try one, he will, but never of his own accord.

to add to that - unless his partner makes this specific kind of request, he finds added-on genitalia utterly redundant. first and foremost, he would have no desire of his own to use them anyway. secondly - there are other ways to go about things. nimble hands, pretty lips... 

he’s a curious creature by nature. he wishes to learn, to experience. as such, should his partner want to try something new, he would be fully on board. what will happen if i touch here? what will happen if i bite there? he can and will analyse his partner’s responses to various kinds of affection offered, to optimise his performance.

and as far as his own preferences go? just be soft and gentle to him. smooch him all over. make him feel comfortable. reassure him. make him feel LOVED.

[rkxsungwoon-blog]

☆ mga5 callbacks; june 27; interview !

once the performances are over, the ceos retire to discuss the results of the day and, subsequently, the eliminations. letting out a sigh, sungwoon slumps forward in his seat and fiddles with the loose zipper on his keyboard’s cover. the day’s exhaustion slams into him in the span of a few seconds. after four odd hours stuck in these uncomfortable chairs, he thinks he might be ready to go home. but the most important part of this whole ordeal is yet to come: to see who actually makes it onto the show as an official contestant and who will have their journey cut short. the worried frown on sungwoon’s face is more for woojin, kenta, and minhyun than himself. they did amazingly well and deserve to make it through. just this round, he thinks, wringing his hands together. just let them get through this round. let us all get through this round.

he hasn’t really considered what he would do if he gets eliminated here and now. laugh at himself, maybe. go through another crisis of ability? sungwoon made it past this point last year, and he’s much better now than he was back then. he wants some sort of acknowledgement of his skills and his growth, but he knows just as well that the universe doesn’t owe him anything. with everything empty enigma has already accomplished, maybe he’s reaching for the stars. however, sungwoon has never been okay with just being content. if he can push forward for more, he’ll take it. so he wants to survive today, and next week, and the week after that. sungwoon refuses to let himself consider the alternatives. 

the staff call individuals out one by one while the ceos deliberate. he’s a little confused until someone lets it spill that they’re doing more interviews. frankly, it’s unexpected; sungwoon can only remember doing one interview last year, and it wasn’t until episode seven. this is a holdover from earlier seasons, apparently, so sungwoon is happy to just roll with it. interviews don’t phase him, and he certainly has a lot to say about the performances he’s watched so far. some of his friends are… not as forthcoming, and he is absolutely thinking about woojin here. god, he hopes woojin will be okay during the interview.

“ha sungwoon!” he’s deep in conversation when he hears his name and nearly jumps in surprise. after asking keta to watch over his keyboard, he follows the staff to get his hair and make-up retouched. in spite of his tiredness, he chats amicably, gently prodding them for any idea of what to expect during the interviews. one of the make up artists laughs at his attempts and says, “you’ll do just fine, sungwoon.” he takes her reassuring words to heart and heads into the room ready to get through this. all he has to do is remember to reign in a few of his more passionate opinions, but if there’s one thing sungwoon does feel confident in, it’s his ability to know what is appropriate and what isn’t. 

“welcome back, sungwoon. this isn’t your first time on the mgas, but we’re still curious to hear how you felt when you received news of the callback.” 

after greeting the interviewer and taking a seat, he ponders the first question. “honestly? i didn’t think very much of it when i first got the email. i was busy making kimchi, which is just about the most korean thing i could be doing.” the chuckle comes easily as sungwoon recalls the rest of the band bothering him to abandon his work and check his goddamn email. they’d been so excited to hear they were going through to the next stage of auditions… their reaction to the news sticks with him more than his own. “i think i was happier for my friends than i was for myself.” especially for kenta, minhyun, and woojin. “some of them are getting to experience all this for the first time and it’s fun to see them go through the whole spectrum of emotions, you know?” 

he didn’t get to experience it with the whole band last year, so get the opportunity to now means the world to him. “their enthusiasm is infectious, though, and they ended up getting me excited too.” especially daniel, whose been the whole group’s champion from the start. “i guess aside from that, i was a little relieved as well; i felt like i should be able to do this much.” especially after his showing last year, to not even make it to callbacks would’ve been awkward. not that he’d ever expressed his doubts to his friends—or to himself. “i wasn’t ready for my journey to be cut short, though, so i’m grateful i got a chance to perform today.” 

“were you surprised when the judges were revealed?” 

“yeah,” he says immediately. even amidst everything else going on, the arrival of the five ceos caught sungwoon off guard. he understands the reason behind their presence here; it makes sense that they’d want to be involved in the selection process for the show itself. and to see how potential contestants react to their sudden appearance—whether they can keep their composure or fall apart in a bundle of nerves—is equally important, in his opinion. the live shows aren’t easy; not everyone can handle the kind of pressure that comes with it. “i might’ve blacked out for a few seconds in shock,” sungwoon laughs. “they are a lot more impressive than i remember. i mean, their collective aura is no joke. did you see so jisub? and katie lee… wow.” the ceos radiate power and prestige. it would bowl a lesser person over. 

“i was looking forward to performing for them again,” he continues after a small pause. “but if i’d known they would be here today, i would’ve done something different.” it’s hard to imagine what else he might’ve performed off the top of his head, but sungwoon knows he probably would’ve taken a risk and showcased a skill they wouldn’t expect to see from him. “but hey, that just means i have to live to fight another day.” he scratches his neck. “regrets and i aren’t good friends. i don’t want to go home and think, i should’ve done this or what if i’d done that. hopefully i won’t have to. hopefully the universe will be kind enough to give me one more opportunity to perform for the judges.”

“so how do you think you did with the performance you prepared?”

“there’s always room for improvement.” no matter what he feels about his performance right now, sungwoon knows he’ll discover a million things he could’ve done better once he stops and really thinks things through. it’s not in his nature to be complacent; the nagging voice in the back of his head criticizes more easily than it compliments. “i’m never fully satisfied with anything i do, but i think that’s a good thing. it just means i’ll keep pushing myself and keep try harder next time.” rather than being a burden, he thinks the attitude is a healthy one to carry into a competition like this one. 

“that being said…” the corners of sungwoon’s lips curve up, his previous serious expression fading. “this performance was representative of who i am. i worked on the piano rearrangement myself, and i really wanted to showcase a combination of my vocal and instrument skills. and i sang from the heart—which might not count for much, but that might be the most authentic performance i’ve given in my life, so how can i not be happy with it?” he’d left it all out there, bled himself dry, and he hopes at least a fraction of that came across to the ceos and to his audience. “my answer might be different tomorrow, but for now, i think i did alright.” 

“what did you think of joohyun’s performance? she sang a song by your band, empty enigma.” 

ah. surprise briefly flickers across sungwoon’s face before he can cover it up with a smile. it makes sense for the staff to ask him about her performance out of the other ninety-nine, but he can’t say he’s prepared to answer. “i still can’t believe it,” he chuckles, fingers idly picking at the stray threads sticking out of his pants. “my brain stopped functioning for a while. like, i actually thought i might’ve died and entered nirvana. for someone to perform our song on a stage like this one is… unreal.” his jaw dropped when he recognized the familiar music, the lyrics he’s come to associate with daniel pouring out of joohyun’s mouth. 

sheer shock eventually gave way to gratitude and confusion—why empty enigma? they’re not exactly… mainstream. it has to be a big risk doing one of their songs. sungwoon wonders if she did for daniel’s sake. he’s not sure what to feel about that, but now isn’t the time to unpack it either. instead, he presses both hands to his warm, pink cheeks as he thinks about the viewers hearing empty enigma’s music. joohyun’s done more to promote them than any of the band members have. “i’m thankful joohyun liked our music enough to do our song, and i think she did it beautifully.” he turns to the camera and sinks into a small bow. “thank you, joohyun! i hope someday we’ll be able to perform this song together!” 

“and what were your thoughts on your band members’ performances?” 

his face splits into a wide grin. “i thought you’d never ask.” sungwoon can talk about his friends and their performances for hours, but he tries to keep it brief. “all of them did a great job. i know i sound biased, but i didn’t realize how good most of them are, so actually seeing them up on stage was a shock for me.” he dives into woojin’s performance first since it’d left the strongest impact. “woojin… i didn’t know he could dance like that. i mean, we live together, but he’s a private person—so seeing all that charisma and raw talent come out? i’m proud but also slightly offended he didn’t tell me he could do that.” similarly, he didn’t know the full extent of kenta’s dance skills, though they’d come as less of a surprise than woojin. “kenta was also amazing. doing a jun song isn’t easy, but he pulled it off with elegance and charm. he’s truly a talented performer.” 

talking about minhyun is a lot easier when sungwoon doesn’t have to do so in front of him. “i knew minhyun could sing, but his dancing skills were a bit of a mystery to me.” pausing, sungwoon bursts out laughing as a thought hits him. “i guess that’s how you can tell we’re in a band, huh? none of us knew the others could dance.” he takes a brief moment to collect himself before continuing. “anyway, i really applaud him for showcasing both his singing and dancing today, and i love bruno. minhyun really did him justice.” god, he hopes this doesn’t air; sungwoon isn’t sure how he’d explain gushing about minhyun on camera to the man himself. “i believe minhyun has the confidence and talent to be an idol, so he’s definitely one of my top picks out of today.” 

finally, he comes to daniel and his eyes light up. “daniel… he’s polarizing. i’ve heard a lot of people say he isn’t talented, but he did an original song today. that has to count for something.” he loved daniel’s performance, but he’d probably love anything daniel does. the faint pink from earlier is still in his cheeks, and he hopes it isn’t obvious just how much he cares. just in case, sungwoon cuts it short. “his singing and stage skills have improved immensely, so i hope people recognize that and support him a lot this year. he deserves it.” 

“were there any performances you liked?”

there were a few sungwoon paid attention to aside from empty enigma and joohyun’s. “eunji—she did boa’s woman. i thought her voice and her presence were both commanding. i’m a fan. i enjoyed jeonghan’s song choice and vocal color as well; he’s a potential contestant i would definitely keep an eye out for.” he should probably diversify and mention more than just vocalists, but as one himself, sungwoon tends to focus on the competition more than the rest. “i heard someone sing day6’s shoot me—sihyeon, i think? i thought her song choice was very bold. i liked it.” day6’s music is some of his favorite to listen to, and he almost wishes he’d done of their songs as well. “hyojin’s acoustic cover was really good too. i wasn’t familiar with the song, but i like how he performed it.” 

this is harder than sungwoon anticipated; a lot of the performances that came first have blurred together in his mind. “some of the mash ups were very clever. i can respect the skill that goes into making them.” there were a few others, but he can’t remember them off the top of his head. “oh!” sungwoon says suddenly, smacking his palm with his fist. “the guy who did the trot version of lc9? i kinda enjoyed that. though my grandfather loves trot so i might just have a soft spot for it.” the name of the performer slips his mind, but the song itself is stuck in his head. 

“were there any performances you didn’t like?” 

sungwoon wonders how many people have actually answered this question. nobody wants to be edited as the designated asshole, so he imagines the answers have been safe so far. sungwoon isn’t eager to shoot himself in the foot either, but truthfully, there were a few he didn’t care for. “i think there are some performers who could probably benefit from a few years of experience,” sungwoon says carefully, his expression controlled into one of bland interest. “but shows like this have ways of making you grow up fast, so i don’t know if it’s all that important.” 

he wonders if he should just list the performances he didn’t like—the kid on skates, for one, because this is an idol competition. the one who’d done the baby shark remix didn’t seem all that serious either. “i also hope more contestants take the competition seriously moving forward.” sungwoon could rip into a few vocal performances if he really wanted to, but he eventually shakes his head and flashes the interviewer a smile. “i don’t think my opinion matters much, so i’ll leave it there.” 

“is there anyone you are certain will move onto the next phase of the mgas?”

“mason,” he says bluntly. “but everyone can probably see that coming.” it’s wild to think a debuted idol is on this show, and such a high profile one. his sheer wealth of experience both terrifies and inflames sungwoon; he doesn’t want to just roll over and lose to someone like that. “he’s a former idol with a fanbase, with the skills and training, and with the prior experience to kill it in this competition. i believe he’ll make it to the finale.” is it unfair? maybe. if sungwoon’s worried about going up against him, he wonders how some of the green newbies feel. “i hear there are a few other debuted idols here too. junhee—he did jonas brothers? i heard he was an idol as well, so he’ll probably have an edge over the rest and make it through easily. you can’t deny that people who’ve experienced this lifestyle, whether as idols or trainees, have a distinct advantage in this competition.” 

other than that… “i think moonbok might move onto the next phase; he was on the mgas last year. i hope joohyun goes through since she deserves it the most, probably.” for fairness’ sake, he should mention people he hasn’t spoken about yet. “i’m confident minkyung will, and likely chan as well. i remember being impressed by him.” and last season didn’t have many rappers, so sungwoon is positive at least a few will go through now. “if any of these predictions come true, maybe i can see the future?” he breaks off and laughs at the thought. him, a psychic? “i hope that’s true! it’d be cool.”   

“some would say you also have an advantage over others as a member of a band.” 

some? sungwoon would like to meet them. “maybe? but performing as part of a band and as an idol are two different things.” he’s not sure how to explain this to someone who hasn’t experienced the energies for themselves, but you can’t compare the two. “the way you play to the crowd—and play off them—differs when you’re in a band. it’s a lot more casual and fun and intimate in some cases.” personally, he thinks it’s freeing; there are less rules and restrictions, no illusion of perfection to maintain. 

“as an idol, you need to be more poised and precise with everything you do. i mean, i can’t say for sure, but from what i experienced during the mgas last year, it was… nothing like i was used to. the expectations for idols are sky high.” sungwoon shrugs and claps his hands together. “i don’t think my band history gives me much of an edge over anyone.” his fellow competitors don’t have to agree, but at least sungwoon made an attempt to clear the air.  

“is there anyone you are certain will be eliminated today?”

he grins slowly and shakes his head. “that’s not for me to judge, is it?” no way is sungwoon getting caught out on that question. but privately, he thinks skater boy is probably a goner. 

“thank you for your time. you may now return to your seat.” 

“thanks for all your hard work.” exchanging farewells with the interviewer, he heads back to his seat, eager to discuss with his friends as they wait for the eliminations to take place. maybe the interview could’ve gone a bit better, but sungwoon is glad he didn’t say something dumb. it’ll have to do for now.

[randomwordprompts]

If It’s Magic | Chapter 3

A/N: Part filler, part plot, we getting close to some dramaaaa.

Taglist: @bartierbakarimobisson @supersizemeplz @oceanscorazon @wakandas-vibranium @wakandan-flowerz @yaachtynoboat711 @great-neckpectations @babygirlofwakanda @storibambino @reaperdeldrunk

“...And that is why we as a collective representation of the Black student body feel that a Black Student Union would be beneficial to all of the students within this establishment.”

Daniel finished his prepared statement while he and about 35 people were situated in the waiting area of the dean’s office for their sit-in protest. Amira and Lucy came but didn’t plan to stay because of the event they planned to go to later on that day. Initially, the dean thought the students were pulling a prank but he quickly realized as more students gathered that they were actually quite serious. He had his secretary call the police within the first half hour, but the dispatcher made it clear that the students were within their rights to a peaceful protest.

Now they were at a bit of a stalemate, multiple appointments being turned away at either sight or word of the students that turned out. At this point the dean was tired and stressed that he had to reschedule important meetings with donors and partners for the school so he tried to reason with them once more, hoping for a better result than before.

“Listen, let’s work something out. I propose that the school will do more in observance of Black History Month in exchange for the end of this protest.”

Daniel had to bite the inside of his cheek before he essentially cussed out the dean of his college. Xavier took this moment to step in.

“Dean Scott, this isn’t about Black History Month. It’s about Black students from across the diaspora having a safe space to hold and share the experiences that are unique to us and our cultures. Do you really want to be the one to stand in the way of that?”

He sighed and ran a hand over his face for a moment but shook his head, “No, I don’t want that. But if you want this BSU that badly then you’ll do the work; appoint a president, vice president, secretary and so on. The school will support where we can but other than that it’s on the students to keep it afloat.”

“Thank you, Dean. We’ll have the list of roles to you within a week, if not less.”

With those words, the two young men returned to the small mass of students and informed them that the dean signed off on their request. After agreeing to meet up again in two days everyone began to clear out, Amira and Lucy getting ready to leave right after they congratulated the guys. Xavier pulled Amira to the side before she could rush out, slipping his hands in his pockets before he spoke.

“Hey, I know we’re supposed to hang out tomorrow but something came up. You can still come by that night for the other thing, though.”

“Ugh, really? I already had the movie picked out! Well, I guess I can come by later for the other thing if you still have the energy,” Amira said with a playful smirk before giving him a kiss on the cheek and turning to leave.

“We here at Bold the Future are dedicated to cultivating easy access to a full spectrum of reproductive health care for Black women and girls. Our mission is to change policies and replace the white men that have been passing laws with young people of color that can't be bought. But like any movement, it starts at the grassroots level with you."

Amira and Lucy sat and listened to the woman speaking with mild interest, the latter getting excited while the former squinted her eyes in confusion.

"This all sounds good, but there are non-binary folks that need these things too," she whispered to Lucy.

"You're right, but let's just hear them out. Plus this is a movement that's evolving. If you want shit to change then let's do it ourselves in the organization."

Amira looked through her closet again, second-guessing herself on what to wear. While she poured over the various garments Lucy came in and sat on the bed.

"I thought this wasn't a date, why are you panicking about what to wear?"

Amira huffed a bit but kept looking at items.

"It's not a date, but I still like to look nice! Plus we might still chill before we just fuck."

"I mean maybe, but still."

She rolled her eyes and went over to her dresser, taking her roommate's advice and throwing on something light. Black joggers paired with a matching loose crop top and her low top Converse All-Stars, she gave herself a once over before grabbing her keys and heading out.

Xavier sighed and sat in his desk chair trying to patiently wait while the tall beauty from his chemistry class put her clothes back on, looking at the clock periodically in the hopes that she’d get the hint. Once she was dressed enough to be considered decent he led her to the door, opening it to let her out only to be surprised when she turned around and tried to work her way back into his apartment, obviously a bit delirious. He attempted to push her away and realized he didn’t even remember her name. It was during this moment he looked over her head to see Amira about 7 feet away, watching everything unfold. Her face showed no emotion but he could feel the traces of irritation through their bond. He opened his mouth to speak but she beat him to the punch.

“So you blew off spending time with me to fuck a random, only to try and have me come over and get leftover dick? Did I get that right?”

At her words, the girl turned around from Xavier and sauntered over towards Amira with a smirk.

“I doubt I left much for you to get, but you can try.”

“Actually, you can have him. I don’t do sloppy seconds.”

Xavier tried to stop Amira when she turned to leave but he quickly realized she didn’t want to hear anything he had to say, opting to give her space instead. He sighed and went back into his room, leaving the girl he’d fed from in the hallway.

Xavier hadn’t heard from Amira in two days, which was unusual even when they were both insanely busy. He and Daniel were headed to the food court, figuring they’d see Amira and Lucy in their regular spots having lunch. While they walked Xavier posed a question.

“You don’t think she’s still upset, do you?”

“Nigga, you blew her off for random pussy and still tried to smash. I’m surprised she didn’t burn our building down.”

Xavier snorted and waved him off. “Amira’s not that type, plus she doesn’t care about me feeding on other people enough to overreact like this.”

“Overreact?! I really think you are mistaking this young woman with the girl you fell for in middle school.”

“Well when we get to this table and my girl is saving my seat next to her, we’ll see who’s right.”

“She save seats by letting other dudes sit in them?” Daniel questioned as the table in question came into sight.

Amira and Lucy were seated in their usual spots, but next to the former was what appeared to be a linebacker from one of the college teams. He leaned in and whispered something into Amira’s ear and she giggled before playfully shoving him away. Lucy was third-wheeling but the plain grin on her face when Xavier and Daniel approached made it clear that she was waiting for the drama to unfold. She greeted them while Amira tried unsuccessfully to keep the player from kissing and biting on her neck, her laughter that would normally be infectious only driving shock through Xavier as he stood there. It wasn’t until he cleared his throat that the two pulled away from each other, though the guy left a hand to rest on Amira’s lower back.

“Hey Daniel, good to see you! Xavier,” she said with a smile plastered onto her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Hello, Amira. Who’s your friend?”

“Oh this is David, he plays defense for Penn but he’s in town to talk to some teams before the draft.”

David extended his hand towards Xavier but he only looked at it for a few seconds before he went back to boring holes into Amira’s face. This time the grin that spread her lips held malice before taking David’s hand and excusing them, citing that she wanted to finish showing him around the campus. Once they were out of earshot Xavier turned to Lucy, who was gathering her trash from lunch to throw away.

“Is she fucking him?”

“Hm? Is she fucking him like you were fucking ol girl the other night? Well, given how he’s been following her around today like a puppy, I’d say she gave him something he could feel.”

With those words and a laugh she got up and left the table, Xavier shuddering as he felt a tinge of desire go down his spine but knowing it wasn’t from him.

[filmthiefreviews]

Everything Everywhere all at Once (2022)

(Watched Sep 17th, 2022)

When I review movies on here, I typically like to express my knee-jerk reaction, re-read my own review, edit it a thousand times, and then completely forget about my original thoughts months later. However, when a movie like this comes along, I have to step back for a bit to gather my thoughts and formally write something that encompasses the full spectrum of my feelings. Maybe watch the film a few more times to solidify my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it was a mistake to watch this movie as many times as I did, because it dominates my every thought. Perhaps I should watch it again and again and again.

My complete and utter adoration for this movie has resulted in me writing my longest film review ever. One that has inspired me to reincarnate my old movie review blog from my high school years. One that essentially boils down to this rambling, insufferable, self-indulgent essay. I will bloviate in my probably unnecessary recaps of the textual content of the film and over-analyze every aspect that I find profound or worth discussing (and there is a lot). I will probably reach inaccurate conclusions and be very redundant, and I will only have hyperbolic words of praise for it. If you choose to read this long-winded, obnoxious (nearly 2,500-word!) essay on my favorite movie, I hope that you understand that I wrote it for me as much as I wrote it for you.

To start, I must express that my absolute favorite kind of media always involves imaginative, interesting high-concept ideas as a backdrop to a thorough examination of characters, focusing heavily on their emotions and evolving philosophies. Needless to say, Everything Everywhere All At Once is all of that and more. A film that can go so far and so deep in every direction is more than deserving of the very title it boasts, and I have made it a point to tell anyone who may care that this is my new favorite film.

It is wholly appropriate that this film approaches a concept as maddening as multiverse theory by incorporating such a delightful aesthetic of eclecticism and chaos (an aesthetic I’ve become more familiar with having viewed more Daniels projects). Despite this aesthetic, however, it manages to utilize its overwhelming absurdity as a vessel in order to deliver a compelling argument that ruthlessly rejects the seemingly inevitable, creeping sensation of nihilism that may come when contemplating the endless chaos of existence. I find that this rejection goes further than many other films with similar philosophies, providing viewers with a solution to the impending despair: to accept that this is the nature of things and to share compassion and kindness with others in order to make the world better for everyone. It seems so small, so simple to say it like this, but the context of this film brings this idea forward so successfully that you cannot help but realize just how radical and powerful this idea truly is in the face of everything, everywhere, all at once.

The film’s recurring motif of circles—how everything connects with perpetuity, and the different ways in which each character’s relationship with this motif and its different iterations, meanings, and contexts—is brilliantly incorporated into the ideas that are being openly discussed. The human experience as we know it is rife with supposed and real perpetuity: laundry, taxes, marriage, love—everything. Like our clothes in the wash, we go in circles, again and again, repeating mistakes, revisiting what-ifs, kicking ourselves over the should-haves or the could-haves. You become so overwhelmed at the futility of trying in the face of the chaos that hope begins to seem impossible. The abject horror of this realization has the capability to absolutely destroy someone, to kick-start them down a careless path of destruction with innumerous collateral damage in their wake. Hence Jobu Tobacky, and hence her absurd creation of the Everything Bagel, our most menacing iteration of the circle motif.

Evelyn herself is struggling with a seemingly perpetual chaos, symbolized by evocatively messy non-literal circular concepts such as laundry, taxes, and most prominently, generational trauma, all culminating in her exhausted fight to maintain control. One can even read Evelyn’s initial outlook as that of a selfish survivalist, taking what she can and chiding impracticality in others (while hypocritically chasing less practical pursuits along the way). We learn that she had so many missed opportunities, that her life is chock full of what feels like never-ending failure and frustration. She is, as informed by Alpha Waymond, the worst version of herself across the multiverses, but we also learn that this is not a particularly bad thing—our Evelyn has the highest capability to connect to the various multiverses because of her plethora of missed opportunities. And there is some truth in that in reality, as well—if you are familiar with failure, you are better equipped to handle it and manage it. I’ll circle back to a short discussion of generational trauma, as well.

If the bagel as a motif reflects the burned hollowness of Jobu Tobacky’s outlook, then Waymond’s motif of google eyes reflects the inverse, invoking the joy of arbitrary silliness, effectively embracing the beauty of chaos, while also functioning as the symbol that represents Evelyn’s ultimate revelation—kindness and love is the antidote to the poison of nihilism. She literally transforms an object of violence (a bullet) into the object representing this kindness and love (the google eye), and in a perfect physical action that parallels the crux of her character arc, places an eye on her forehead. This revelation invokes the visual pun of “opening your third eye.” Instead of approaching the horde with violence in the vein of Jobu Tobacky, she instead uses empathy and compassion a la Waymond, assessing each of her opponents’ problems with her newfound ability to glimpse the totality of all of their existences, finding what they need, giving it to them, and nonlethally subduing them. The through-line with each of these encounters is human connection and compassion, which is also the basis for Evelyn’s approach to her final fight with Jobu (and her impassioned declaration of acceptance with Joy in the parking lot). These ultimate confrontations mesh the film’s lofty philosophical theme of rejecting of nihilism with its more immediate and relatable theme of breaking the cycle of generational trauma.

How this film deals with and overcomes generational trauma is truly something spectacular, and the ways in which it manifests and is confronted both emotionally devastated me and provided me catharsis. When Gong Gong all but explicitly disowns Evelyn through his continually outward expressions of disappointment of her based on his own failure to temper his expectations of her, it comes to no surprise that Evelyn perpetuates this cycle of targeted disappointment in Joy. Evelyn veiling her own inability to connect with and understand her daughter by throwing Gong Gong under the bus for being old and out of touch has an effect opposite to her intention to convey an admittedly weak sense of ally-ship. In her failure to openly advocate her own daughter’s queerness, she accidentally demonstrates her ignorance, willful or not, which is just one of the thousand cuts Joy must endure in a prison of unintentional repression, one that I am sure many fellow LGBTQ+ people are familiar with.

Through the film’s exposition concerning her origin, it is all very clear that Jobu Tobacky has felt and will always feel every single emotional, physical, and mental experience that every Joy feels, which must consequently mean that our Evelyn is at least partially to blame for her philosophy if not a whole swath of her multiversal counterparts (particularly Alpha Evelyn). Though Jobu Tobacky’s consciousness contains an unfathomable number of experiences, our Evelyn’s revelation and unyielding drive to protect and accept any iteration of her daughter is enough to reach through to Jobu. The macrocosm of the multiverse being saved directly mirrors the microcosm of Evelyn refusing to perpetuate the cycle of generational trauma, perhaps even shifting Gong Gong’s rigid understanding of the world and his family through her demonstration of unconditional love for her daughter.

The film’s emphasis on demonstrating that Waymond’s ideology—to treat everyone with kindness, especially if we all don’t know what’s going on—is the most powerful force because it bridges compassionate connections rather than allowing chaos and violence to separate us. Waymond himself proves to be much stronger than everybody gave him credit for in the beginning, his vulnerability to his feelings and emotions functioning as almost a desperate invitation to Evelyn to reconsider her own rigid understanding of the world. In every universe, Waymond surprises Evelyn with some variation of his resilience, from his decision to file for divorce, to him urging everyone to stop fighting despite having been stabbed by his own wife. Waymond’s resilience shines the most for me when he delivers the most romantic line in all of film history: “So, even though you have broken my heart yet again, I wanted to say, in another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.”

I would like to mention here that the emotional buildup to this line was unbelievably skillful—the yearning, the melancholy, Waymond’s situationally subversive earnestness. The real killer here was the directors’ choice to visually and tonally emulate the smoldering imagery of In the Mood for Love, a film I have only recently seen for the first time. But as soon as Waymond uttered this line the first time, I immediately burst into uncontrollable tears in the theater. The second time I was already crying anticipating this moment. Absolutely stunning cinema. Peak romance. Waymond is everything I aspire to be in a person—kind, sweet, goofy, compassionate, and thoughtful.

As the primary vessels of a story, the performers here are some of the greatest of all time. The impeccable Michelle Yeoh demonstrating to us all just how much raw talent courses through her veins, the phenomenal Ke Huy Quan—a staple of my childhood due to his performance as Data in The Goonies—showcasing his own acting chops and inhabiting so many variations of one character, and, completing this perfect triad of performers is Stephanie Hsu, whom I knew only as Christine Canigula from the original cast recording for the off-Broadway musical Be More Chill, becoming the most batshit chaotic character I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing in a movie. My beloved Jamie Lee Curtis, coolest babysitter aunt actress ever, giving layers to the initially flat-seeming and hilariously named Deirdre Beaubeirdre and gets to be all things—an absurd, bureaucratically cruel but deep-down soft and even lovable freak. James Hong even gets more to do with his character than just be the ashamed father who expected more of his daughter—he's funny, commanding, dumbfounded, and snide.

With the impact the story and characters have left on me out of the way, I’d like to very disjointedly gush about the actual production elements of this movie in the least academic ways I can manage, so please bear with me as I describe things I used to understand better in film school but clearly have escaped me years later:

This film looks stunning, its blocking and directing so beautifully planned and captured, its frame compositions and camera movements honed to perfection—I will never get bored of any visual moment of this movie in rewatches. Lighting, use of color (especially whenever Jobu Tobacky is involved!!!) are brilliant. The use of practical effects and old-school camera tricks for a lot of the film was unbelievable—they really squeezed every bit of worth out of the budget, because you would think that it cost way more to produce something of this overall caliber.

Sounds, noises, and music all worked so perfectly. The soundtrack by Son Lux is sublime, and upon relistening divorced from the film, you really get to appreciate their genius use of leitmotifs, each written and implemented in the most emotionally effective ways. The disgusting hot dog finger squelching was funny every time, even when the tender romance between hot dog finger Evelyn and Deirdre played out in earnest. In this film’s music and sound, there’s whimsy, an overwhelming sense of the grandiose, somber, quiet moments, tense and thrilling soundscapes.  

For their second feature film ever, Daniels have managed to wrangle the most talented people, cast, crew, everyone. I finally got around to watching Swiss Army Man because of this film, and I believe that my viewing of that movie was enhanced because of my love for Everything Everywhere All At Once. These two get me, with their outwardly absurd and juvenile humor simultaneously interacting with and informing truly profound stories. In a few tweets, I learned that Daniel Kwan used to be ashamed of his tendency to make maximalist films, ashamed of the way his ADHD brain made him think and create, but he has learned to accept and even appreciate him and his creative partner’s maximalist approach. Evelyn being described as living with undiagnosed ADHD adds so much more depth to an already incredibly fleshed-out character, and in turn this revelation makes her even more relatable to some, myself included. It could not be more appropriate that Daniels have been operating on ADHD brain for all of their projects, especially this one.

Everything Everywhere All At Once has rightfully become one of my all-time favorite films. It’s beautiful, hilarious, painful, wondrous, absurd—it really is everything. In recent years, there has been an increasing critical distinction between art and entertainment, and while I will never write off giant spectacle, cash-grab entertainment as “not art” (even if it’s cynical and corporate, it is still art), it’s films like this that remind me what’s so important about cinema as art. Good art makes you rethink your preconceived notions. It makes you question why our culture and society are the way they are. It makes you see what life is like for people you may not realize are very much like you, and makes you consider the possibility and potential of engaging with the world. More films should do this. Daniels have set the bar for optimistic, maximalist, and humanist cinema, and I can only hope that we see more filmmakers continue this trend and push the envelope to even greater lengths, maybe even as far as beyond the multiverse.

[whitestonetherapy]

Window of tolerance...

A client of mine experienced a very traumatic incident a few years ago and still deals with the effects of it today.  She has difficulty in reconciling this event with her life both before and after the trauma.  It just doesn’t fit. The memory of the incident is not like other memories at all. Instead of a regular memory her recollections are fragmented, they feel like they belong to someone else, and are combined with deeply uncomfortable feelings involving flashbacks.  The question of why it is she feels this way has come up and I wanted to write something about it here.  

Biology, the mechanics of the brain, and the quality of our relationships all have a lot to do with this.  Start by thinking of life as an uninterrupted sequence of experiences – from the moment you are born to the moment you die.  From your first breath onward your brain starts the process of ‘communicating’ with the adult that holds you.  You can’t talk, and wouldn’t understand words even if you could, so this starts with your brain communicating your immediate needs (the right-hemisphere takes the lead at this early stage).  You’ll probably cry loudly at this point.  Hopefully someone will hold you close and make some noises that are intended to be soothing and loving.  You have just begun the lifelong process of communicating your needs, feelings and desires to those around you.

What happens in response to your crying matters a lot.  By responding to your cries with soothing noises and tender touches your parent has engaged their own brain (again, their right-hemisphere) and begun a long process that will literally shape your brain, helping it to develop and learn to cope with all sorts of situations.  You begin to learn how to manage how you feel and, eventually, safely experience the full spectrum of emotional experience.  

This early example of mutual regulation between adult and child, where your needs are communicated, understood and then met by an adult, will play a small part in widening your ability to deal with physiological and emotional stress.  Neurons fire and proteins are coded, and your brain develops. Even as a baby you’ll come to understand quickly that certain things you do are likely to elicit certain responses.  That certain emotions you have can be shared, and that certain things are likely to happen around you if you share them.  You’ll learn this from crying at first, and then through playfulness and experimenting.  What parent isn’t familiar with the great repetitious game ‘I’ll-take-off-my-sock-and-throw-it-on-the-floor-for-you-to-pick-up’?   You’ll hopefully learn that parents can be relied upon.  As an infant your brain will start to categorise responses from other humans into a general set of rules (schemas) - these rules will be based on the consistent responses from the people around you, depending on what you do/ what you communicate.  This is the start of the complex scaffolding that’ll allow you to start to make automatic predictions about other people and the world.  You start to predict the future and generalise - but, also, very importantly, you start to see the world through the lens of your predictions (very important if early care is not adequate and your predictions are thus negatively skewed - a blog for another time).  This mental scaffolding gets more complex as you grow, and it will depend in large part on how you are treated, at least at first, by your family (badly, or well).  That’s for the future though, because at first babies are just concerned with the person holding them.

With consistent sensitive care over time, the autonomic nervous system of the child develops.  This is the facility that controls the level of physiological arousal the child has when he experiences new situations and is closely linked with emotional states.  Daniel Siegel (The Developing Mind; 1999) describes a “window of tolerance”, a kind of goldilocks-zone in which there can be arousal of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system but without severe emotional stress.  The sympathetic nervous system manages bodily functions (heart rate, respiration, perspiration etc) and the parasympathetic system is responsible for calming you down – for de-arousal.  The two systems usually work well together, and we give them a good road test every time there is, say, an England penalty shootout, or jump-scares when watching a film at the Cinema, or when something more seriously shocking and frightening happens.

Parents play a vital role in helping children expand their window of tolerance.  By introducing a child to new experiences that are towards the edge of this window of tolerance, and by making sure they are socialised properly, children will gradually expand the capacity of their nervous system to handle arousal.  This helps them become resilient - they become strong even if they are not entirely safe.  Good news for parents who are very concerned about keeping their children safe at all times - by letting children take some risks we help them to cope much better with handling strong emotions throughout their lives.   Children will do this all by themselves anyway with games that seem reckless to an adult eye.  Last week I watched an Instagram video of my 10-year-old nephew in a New York park, clambering in ‘monkey bar’ style about 15 feet up from the ground.  He was using a section of a climbing frame that was obviously not designed for the purpose at all.  It was impressive, but I would probably have yelled at him to stop if I’d been there.  My brother is made of sterner stuff, being well used to his son taking risks, and he didn’t bat an eyelid.  The designer of the climbing frame just hadn’t factored in either my nephews excellent ninja skills, or the reality that children will always look at what equipment is available then immediately start to work out how to take further risks.  In fact, the maximum risk possible thank you very much!  If you walk by any park you can always find children doing something dangerous while a parent hollers at them to stop.  It’s not easy being responsible for kids behaving like that.  I remember looking after big groups at my sons birthday parties and there would always be one or two who would not stop, whatever the game, until they were pushing the limits of dangerous behaviour.  If someone climbed 10ft up a tree, these kids would climb 20ft and hang onto a branch by a finger.  It’s part of how children grow and begin to individuate, developing a richer experience of themselves and the world, but it’s not easy being in charge of a pack.  So expanding the window of tolerance is a good thing, and in childhood we seem to be biologically compelled to do that too.

Sometimes things can go wrong and our window of tolerance can be exceeded dangerously.  In the most extreme examples (e.g a serious accident), if the trigger is severe enough the memory schemas on which we’ve learned to predict the world around us are temporarily blown away and cannot cope.  When this happens the prefrontal cortex goes offline with all power diverted to the subcortical regions of the brain (limbic system, brain stem).  This is the way the brain responds to situations when urgent action is needed.  The parts of the brain responsible for rational thought and autobiographical memory are powered down.  In traumatic situations areas of the brain such as the Hippocampus may become paralyzed altogether. Because of this, the traumatic event that is unfolding is not written to the mind as a normal, ‘regular’ memory.  Instead it imprints directly on the limbic system of the brain, and so memories may be fragmented, incomplete, or context free.   In these cases ‘memories’ can take the form of sensory flashbacks, outbursts of emotion, nightmares.  And so we are left with recollections that feel different and dissociated from ‘the rest of us’, and not fixed in space and time.  This set of thoughts, emotions and impulses can be deeply troubling and can take us over (literally) long after the traumatic event has finished. This is common with PTSD.

Moving inward from the extreme of PTSD, many people experience extreme anxiety and fight/flight/freeze physiological responses in situations that seem ‘normal’ to others. It doesn’t take a serious accident.  Often this a result of our tolerance window being too narrow to begin with.  When this is the case even ‘small’ triggers are enough to drive us to full blown anxiety attacks.  I’ve known people for whom ordering a drink from a cafe would induce a state of frozen terror, or responding to a “hello” from a passerby in the street would be enough to cause physical symptoms of full-blown panic. I’ve known people who struggle to even consider as a ‘thought experiment’ being assertive (say, with an unfair boss at work) without taking themselves out of their tolerance zone.  I’ve met people who’ve stayed in bad situations for far too long, too fearful to take action of any kind to help themselves.  I could go on.  Such people feel trapped, alone, overwhelmed and out of options.  Sometimes this also comes with a sense of shame, leading to compensatory behaviours in other areas of life.  At the mercy of their situation, people may look for ways to achieve a sense of control in at least one area of their life, to quieten their mind, to block out the outside world.  Things such as food, exercise, drugs or self-harm behaviours might then be used to stifle all these difficult emotions and the horrible physiological symptoms of extreme anxiety.  Often a temporary relief is achieved but at the cost of compounding the root cause of the problem.  It’s a vicious cycle.  The medicine starts to cause the illness.   

Because the capability of our nervous system to handle arousal is something that first develops as we mature, we have to consider what conditions in childhood may have been absent or unbalanced in some way.  Scenarios where adults might have failed to provide the conditions necessary for us to grow resilient in our childhood.  Perhaps our caregivers were absent or too erratic in their care.  Perhaps they were harsh and emotionally remote (”buck up!”), or perhaps too overbearing, drowning us in a flood of their own uncontrolled emotion and anxiety at too young an age. Maybe, even more dangerously, both. Whether through traumatic incidents or repeated ‘traumatic experiences in our relationships’ our nervous system can be taken well outside of the comfort zone.  This often leads to panicked states of hyper-arousal (fight, flight) or hypo-arousal (a frozen numbness and even dissociation from the event). 

How likely you are to have experiences outside your tolerance zone depends on many things, but I’ll mention two here.  The first is your own ‘window of tolerance’.  This is particular to you, and will depend on everything that has happened in your life up until now.  As above, were the conditions right in your life for your own tolerance level to widen?  The second is the force of the traumatic experience you encounter.  If your window of tolerance is narrow then many encounters may lead to the kind of hyper-aroused flight/fight response described above.  Equally, it might lead to the type of dissociation and disconnectedness we associate with a ‘freeze’ response. Dissociation is a way of compartmentalising something that is too difficult psychologically or biologically to process and work in the therapy room to integrate these things can take time.  

My client and I are working with her memories and emotions of the traumatic incident, finding words to describe as closely as possible what happened to her (bodily, emotionally, spiritually).  By pulling them into order, and in particular working to reduce the intensity of flashbacks, we’re reducing the automatic fight response that accompanies them.  A part of therapy work with many other clients also involves trying to widen this window of tolerance.  This is sometimes happening explicitly and we might talk about it openly, but more often it happens implicitly as we go about other things, and so I put it in a big box called “what actually happens in therapy while we are busy doing other things”.  

Through talking about emotionally charged experiences we gradually develop our ability to hold uncomfortable feelings in awareness and to begin to share them with others.  Some people have never been able to do this, having had to deactivate the innate drive we are born with to seek attachments with people and share difficult feelings.  The skill has to be learned (or relearned).  In therapy, one aim is to begin to see difficult situations and dangerous emotions as being understandable, shareable, and changeable.  We might then feel less trapped, less prone to the ‘psychic-equivalence’ of equating our negative feelings or negative self-talk as iron-clad ‘facts’ about either the world or ourselves.  We start to have options as to how to react, and this can be encouraged by experiments in between sessions too. A better ability to reflect on our experience allows us to recognise that our internal world is not the same as external reality, and it becomes easier to put some distance between triggering events and our reaction to them.  With this flexibility, triggering situations that once overwhelmed our nervous system can begin to come more under control. 

www.whitestonetherapy.com 

[starwarsnonsense]

Top 10 Best Films of 2017 - End of Year List

I did a mid-year ‘best of’ list, so it was only fitting that I returned to the format at the end of the year to run down my top 10 favourite films of the year. Only three films from my mid-year list remain here, which is a testament to what an incredible year it has been for film. As far as I’m concerned, 2017 has been a real banner year for cinema and it has seen the release of several all-time greats that I look forward to enjoying for many years to come. 

Since I’m based in the UK there will be several notable omissions here (I still eagerly await films like Phantom Thread, I, Tonya and The Post), purely by dint of the fact that they have yet to be released in this country. Do look out for them in my forthcoming most-anticipated of 2018 list!

Honourable mentions: Custody, Brimstone, The Disaster Artist, Professor Marston & the Wonder Women, Call Me By Your Name

1. Star Wars: The Last Jedi, dir. Rian Johnson

While the placement of this film on my list may be resoundingly predictable (check out the total lack of bias signalled by my username!), the thrilling thing is that the film itself is anything but. The Last Jedi shatters the Star Wars mould to entertain new forms of storytelling and question long-held assumptions. It’s a shockingly meta story in how it questions the conventions of Star Wars - particularly those concerning lineage and its implications - but it is never meta in an ironic sense. There are no wink, wink moments, and while the past is investigated and questioned it is never mocked. Instead of descending into irreverence, The Last Jedi is meta in a way that feels absolutely necessary and justified if Star Wars is to remain fresh and vital as it moves forward. Bloodline and history do not have to dictate destiny in this new version of Star Wars - the heroes are those who understand this, and the villains are the ones who fail to grasp the same lesson. It’s a beautiful and intellectually rigorous movie, and I’m thrilled by how it elevates and re-contextualises the stories that came before it while pushing the characters and their relationships forward. I have no idea of where Episode IX will take this story, and that is incredibly exciting to me. Bring it on.

2. Blade Runner 2049, dir. Denis Villeneuve

There are a million and one reasons why this movie shouldn’t have worked, but Villeneueve proved his genius by making a sublime sci-fi picture that actually surpasses its predecessor. I have always admired the original Blade Runner more than I’ve enjoyed it, and that’s because I have always found it emotionally distant. Deckard struck me as a mumbling arse and his romance with Rachael always felt obligatory, not organic. The genius of Blade Runner 2049 lies in how it made me care - it made me care about the love between Deckard and Rachael (which was something of a miracle in itself), and it made me care about the love between K and his holographic girlfriend Joi. With these emotional hooks in place, everything worked as a thrilling symphony. The cinematography is easily the best of any film in 2017 (sorry, Dunkirk - I still love you) and this film has an astonishing number of scenes that still linger in my mind after many months - the very modern threesome, the shootout in the gaudy pleasure palace, the fight in the rain, the father seeing his child for the first time. It’s a breathtaking film and I couldn’t be more excited to see what Villeneuve does next.

3. Dunkirk, dir. Christopher Nolan

Dunkirk is such a striking and effective piece of cinema that it actually made me overcome my innate bias against war movies (I blame too many tedious Sunday afternoons wasted on mandatory viewings of The Great Escape at my grandparents’ house). With Dunkirk, Nolan has probably made his most accomplished and sophisticated movie - it starts off unbearably tense and doesn’t release its grip on your pulse until the final scene, when its hero finally drops off to the blessed peace of sleep. Nolan employs a tricksy converging structure with multiple plot strands to ramp up the tension and provide different perspectives on the evacuation, masterfully playing them off each other to assemble the big picture. While criticised by some for its apparent lack of character, I can’t really agree with that assessment - Dunkirk is probably the most powerfully humanistic war film I’ve ever seen, and by stripping its characters down to their rawest selves it reveals some uncomfortable yet powerful truths about all of us. The characters are somewhat distant from us - we never hear them pine for lovers or miss their mothers - but the removal of these storytelling shorthands leaves us with soldiers who behave exactly as you would expect frightened, stranded children to. And there’s something terrifyingly poignant about that.

4. mother!, dir. Darren Aronofsky

mother! is the work of a madman with no fucks to give, and it is what I choose to refer to as ‘peak Aronofsky’. He made what is clearly an allegory, and while he had his own intentions with said allegory (which he has been very loud about declaring) the film is so cleverly constructed that it can simultaneously be about the entire history of the world and the plight of the tortured artist’s muse - either reading is perfectly correct and supported by the text. mother! is a piece of art that has provoked a lively and frequently heated debate, and while it needs to be read as an allegory to make any kind of sense as a narrative I also don’t want to undersell this movie as an emotional experience. If you go into mother! willing to be challenged and content to be swept up in a bold artistic vision, it has the potential to be a really absorbing and engrossing film - it is anchored by Jennifer Lawrence’s remarkably brave and unrestrained performance. She is not playing a grounded character, but her performance is palpably real and frequently painful to witness - she portrays the whole spectrum of emotions, from mild bemusement to shrieking horror, and the whole film soars on the strength of her efforts. This is a uniquely strength and esoteric film, and I am incredibly happy that it exists.

5. Get Out, dir. Jordan Peele

This film really knocked me for six, to such an extent that I simply had to see it twice in the cinema. It got even better upon a re-watch, when I was able to watch it with full knowledge of the characters’ underlying motives and the things to come. It’s a terrifying concept (the racism of an all-white suburb is taken to a horrifying extreme) executed with incredible panache, and you feel every emotion that Chris goes through thanks to Daniel Kaluuya’s excellent performance. Get Out also represents one of the most brilliantly communal experiences I’ve ever had at the cinema - I won’t spoil it, but let’s just say that the audience erupted into spontaneous applause at a key moment in the climax. Simply fantastic. 

6. The Handmaiden, dir. Park Chan-wook

This film is exquisite - it’s first and foremost a beautiful boundary-smashing love story, and an absolutely marvellous tale of female defiance. It transplants Sarah Waters’ novel Fingersmith to 1930s Korea, and the story is effortlessly adapted to become intrinsically interwoven with its new setting. Sookee is a talented pickpocket plucked from a thieves den and sent as a handmaiden to trick a rich heiress into falling for a conman. To say any more would spoil the twists, but this film is just a masterwork of suspense, keeping you guessing throughout a series of interlocking pieces that take their time to reveal their secrets. I’ve seen the theatrical cut and the extended version, and they’re both great - you’re in for a treat with either.

7. The Florida Project, dir. Sean Baker

This is one of the best screen depictions of childhood I’ve ever seen. Our hero here is Moonee, a smart-tongued and cheeky six-year-old. Moonee lives in a motel room with her abrasive but loving mother, but since she’s a child she doesn’t mope or lament her poverty - she takes her surroundings for granted and makes the tacky shops and hotels that form her world her very own theme park. The Florida Project is firmly committed to adopting a child’s eye perspective, and while it can feel a bit meandering to begin with it gradually accumulates pace and purpose, building to an utterly heartbreaking and unforgettable climax. The performances here are extraordinary, and Brooklynn Prince is so palpably real as Moonee that she’ll own your heart by the end of the movie (having squeezed it to bursting point on several occasions).

8. The Shape of Water, dir. Guillermo del Toro

I’ve long been a huge del Toro cheerleader, and this movie is perhaps best described as ‘peak del Toro’ - it has the mannered, detail-oriented set design, the charming quirkiness, the subverted horror, and the woozily strange romance that he has employed again and again in his films. This story, however, is unusual for del Toro in that it is ultimately optimistic and hopeful - it’s the daddy of all supernatural romances in that it is a full-blown love story between a mute human woman and a fishman, and it is characterised by total commitment and self-belief. Think Creature from the Black Lagoon done with the creature as the romantic hero. The Shape of Water has a certain playfulness that means it never feels ponderous or silly, but it affords its characters real respect and dignity and makes you care for them deeply. This movie makes me excited to see where genre filmmaking can go next (hint: I hope it only gets weirder).

9. Thelma, dir. Joachim Trier

Who knew something like this could come out of Norway? This was probably my biggest pleasant surprise of 2017 in terms of film - I went in with no expectations at all, and came out wowed. This is an intensely strange and effective supernatural horror that follows a girl with strange repressed powers that manifest whenever she experiences desire. It could be a hackneyed or exploitative premise in the hands of a lesser filmmaker, but Trier shows a deft hand and a remarkable talent for building tension and creating a sense of heightened reality. There is one scene set to ‘Mountaineers’ by Susanne Sundfor that is one of the most transporting experiences I have ever had in the cinema - the combination of the ethereal music and the mounting suspense makes for real film magic. This was a great reminder of how important it is to take chances and try out films outside your comfort zone.

10. Jackie, dir. Pablo Larrain

This is a film that soars on the strength of Natalie Portman’s incredible performance, which is complemented by Mica Levi’s haunting score. Portman’s performance is painfully vivid, with her agony and wretchedness coming through so intensely that it’s often uncomfortable to watch. Jackie is probably the best portrait of grief I’ve ever seen, and it sucks you into a famous historic event by providing an incredibly intimate perspective on it. This is great cinema, but be prepared for suffering.

[rebeccaheyman]

reading + listening 9.29.20

It was another week of soaring highs and middling mediocrity, but fortunately no DNFs. Notably, I’ve been dragging my heels on PIRANESI by Susanna Clarke, which has been sitting on my desk in gorgeous hard cover since release day. You ever want to love a book so much that you’re afraid to actually read it? No, no, me neither. Here’s hoping I get brave this week. In the meantime...

It’s Been a Pleasure, Noni Blake (Claire Christian), eBook ARC (US pub date February 2021). I loved this book so much that I’m already looking forward to owning the aBook once it’s available, just so I can relive the magic in a new way. Here’s my five-star NetGalley review: 

I have discovered the antidote to the unmitigated disaster that is the year 2020, and it is IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE, NONI BLAKE. I inhaled this book in under 24 hours and feel soul-satisfied in a way I forgot existed. NONI BLAKE is a rom-com that's so much more than a rom-com; it's as much a character study as LESS and as much a travelogue as WILD, with the sweetness of Mhairi MacFarlane, the delicious heat of Sally Thorne, and the humor of every best friend you've ever gotten drunk with. It is, in a word, perfect.

When I say this book has it all, I am not kidding. In it, you will find: - an average-bodied woman finding sexual empowerment and body positivity - a Scottish book boyfriend for whom you do not need to travel through time - healthy adult friendships - A+ Bechdel Test score - adventurous, consensual sex that is at times hilarious and at other times really, really hot - situational comedy that will legitimately make you laugh out loud - adults who talk openly about their feelings in an authentic, mature way - portrayals of grief that range in severity from mourning the loss of an unborn child to coming to terms with years of self-criticism and negativity - rich, descriptive prose that does not drag down pacing - excellent plotting, perfectly balanced with the protagonist's complex internal journey

...the list goes on. This book is joy exemplified. I can't wait to give it to every woman I know. My only complaint is that the world needs this book immediately to inoculate us against the tidal wave of awfulness bombarding the globe, and yet it won't be released until 2021.

Notably, Australian readers have access to NONI BLAKE as of... today (!), so if you happen to be reading this in Australia, please do yourself a favor and buy this book immediately. And if there’s someone you especially like elsewhere in the world, maybe box up a copy and spread the love.

Act Your Age, Eve Brown (Talia Hibbert), eBook ARC (pub date March 2021). I know, I know -- how many contemporary romcoms with the exact same title structure can I read in a single week? Real answer: 2. But based on how fabulous both these titles were, I’m open to more. Here’s my four-star NetGalley review:

I've decided it's entirely impossible to read the Brown Sisters series without feeling amazing. Hibbert's writing is so smart, funny, and full of A+ banter -- not to mention scorching-hot heat -- that it almost feels like we don't deserve her books' nuances, diverse representations, and patriarchy-shaking feminism.

But we do deserve it, actually, and it's all there in ACT YOUR AGE, EVE BROWN.

If at first Eve seems flighty and difficult to connect with, don't discount the intentionality of her characterization. In a tidy narrative trick, Hibbert gives us the very experience that defines many of Eve's friendships: while the youngest Brown sister may have made a great first impression in Chloe and Dani's books, her flightiness feels off-putting once she takes center stage. But sticking with Eve -- instead of pushing her to the margins of our two-person social circle -- has a massive pay-off, as she soon reveals herself to be intensely focused on helping others, spreading joy, and baking delicious cake. It's a side of Eve too many of her "friends" never get to see -- but Reader, we do. And it turns out, Eve is a wonder.

Many of Eve's quirks align with behaviors on the autism spectrum; while Jacob's autistic presentation is perhaps more conventional, Eve's traits are equally validated by Hibbert's sensitive, nuanced treatment of the disorder. Romance + autism usually means antisocial behaviors, rigidity, and/or Asperger's-like presentation (The Kiss Quotient/Bride Test, The Girl He Used to Know, The Rosie Project... the list goes on). But ACT YOUR AGE explores the all important "spectrum" side of "autism spectrum disorder," and urges us to resist believing we understand what these labels mean just because we understand one small aspect of a very large picture.

All of this happens while a truly compelling, heart-melting romance unfolds. Eve and Jacob are incredibly fun to watch, and Hibbert keeps things moving at a lovely clip. I especially appreciated her resistance to the "h/h have to spend totally unnecessary time apart after an argument/misunderstanding" trope in Act III, which is a convention I would happily see go the way of the dinosaur.

Fair warning to your TBR pile: If you don't reread Chloe and Dani's books prior to picking up ACT YOUR AGE, EVE BROWN, you're going to want to afterward. There's simply no other way to maintain the rosy glow of post-Hibbert reading.

Finally, I'm predicting here and now that Mont, Alex and Tess are the next sibling trio to get the Hibbert treatment. (Please? Like...PLEASE please?)

Set My Heart to Five (Simon Stephenson), aBook (narr. Christopher Ragland, Rachael Louise Miller, Lance C. Fuller). If you combined the signature humor/love combo of David Nicholls, the deeply felt nostalgia of Ready Player One, and the bots-with-feelings hypothesis of Spielburg’s AI, you might come close to understanding what makes SET MY HEART TO FIVE so good. In the year 2054, the world has taken some unexpected turns: humans have accidentally locked themselves out of the internet, Elon Musk blew up the moon (also accidentally), and humanoid bots have been integrated into society as second-class pseudo-citizens. We meet Jared -- bot, dentist, cat-owner -- who has begun to experience curious malfunctions. With a friend’s help, and a heaping dose of old movies, Jared realizes he can feel real emotions. He resolves to journey west to Hollywood, where he’ll write a movie that changes the way humans view bots and paves the way for his bot brothers and sisters to enjoy the full range of human experience. 

Jared’s explanations of human behavior provide a satirical commentary on our curious, often contradictory behaviors (”Humans. I cannot!”). Since films from the pre-bot age figure so prominently in Jared’s emotional awakening, that same satirical analysis is applied to movie synopses, which are rendered with necessary frequency but occasionally feel like overkill. The book relies heavily on a lovely trick of narrative reciprocity; Jared is on an archetypal hero’s journey, even as he strives to write a formulaic screenplay according to the “golden rules” of the fictitious script expert, R.P. McWilliams. But SET MY HEART TO FIVE never feels hackneyed, and in more than one way proves the rule that great stories are all in the telling.

With the innocence and clarity that can only come from being something of a stranger in a strange land, Jared embraces his existence with infectious enthusiasm and charm. It’s virtually impossible not to cheer for his success, even as we’re warned again and again that a great story will “eff us in the heart” at its conclusion. Audio is brilliantly narrated by Christopher Ragland, who manages to imbue the bot cadence we expect with believable nuance and big style. 

Well Played (Jen DeLuca), aBook (narr. Brittany Pressley). I’ve got bad news for fans of WELL MET: If you wondered whether your enjoyment of Deluca’s ren-faire romcom debut of 2019 was due in large part to the book’s setting -- and more specifically, the way h/h’s interactions at the faire advanced the storyline -- the answer is yes. And why is that bad news, you ask? Well, because WELL PLAYED has none of the crackling Emily/Simon tension that carried the first book through its narrative stumbles. In book 2, the glacially slow Act I relies heavily on Stacy’s recitation of what makes her life humdrum, and a long series of email exchanges we *know* are coming from the conspicuously introduced Daniel -- even though Stacy, apparently suffering a traumatic brain injury, convinces herself it’s idiot playboy (and Daniel’s cousin) Dex. Sorry not sorry for the “spoiler,” which is impossible not to see coming from many miles away. Once this pseudo-conflict is resolved, the book boils down to situational fluff: a wedding, a squeaky mattress, the literal number of pumpkin spice lattes Stacy drinks over the course of a month. If it sounds like this is not a plot, that’s because it isn’t. The romance is low-stakes, the “uncrossable divide” that eventually separates h/h is the width and depth of a puddle, and the last third of the book is pretty much solely devoted to setting up a Mitch/April romance in book 3.

Notably, I found references to Stacy’s body-consciousness extremely strange. If we want to normalize average-sized women in romance, maybe we do that by not including, apropos of literally nothing, how “unflattering” woman-on-top sexual positions are?! Stacy is not characterized by self-consciousness, so the moments when her interiority veers toward self-criticism don’t feel necessary. I’m not saying these aren’t authentic thoughts and feelings plenty of women have, but an editor should have pushed DeLuca to answer the question to what end? Why include body hyperawareness in the precise moments when it appears? Like too much of the prose in WELL PLAYED, these inclusions felt like word-count boosting instead of dynamic character development or plot production. Sad as I am to say it, this book was a missed opportunity that shows the danger of rushing book 2 to market. 

The Lady’s Guide to Celestial Mechanics (Olivia Waite), aBook (narr. Morag Sims). This book has been on my radar since its publication last summer. Gorgeous cover aside, I’m always here for diverse historical romance. Sadly, for me, the external stakes here were simply too low, and relied overmuch on the baffling revelation that men -- especially in this historical moment --  underestimate and undermine women. I never felt discernible chemistry between Lucy and Catherine. This could be due, in part, to Morag Sims’ narration, which pitches Catherine’s voice in a low, husky range that accentuated the women’s age difference. From the outset, we learn that Catherine is the widow of one of Lucy’s father’s colleagues; while Lucy is the more sexually forward woman in this partnership, there’s something a little An Education about the whole arrangement. 

On my radar this week:

Piranesi (Susanna Clarke) 

A Deadly Education aBook (Naomi Novik)

We Can Only Save Ourselves ARC (Alison Wisdom)

Angel in a Devil’s Arms (Julie Anne Long)

The Project ARC (Courtney Summers)

The Love Square ARC (Laura Jane Williams)

[incrediblyexpandedhorizons]

Jevnation’s top 5 albums of 2018

Kustin here, will be calling myself Jevnation from now on. Time passes quicker than most people may be aware of and as it shows, the members of IEH is certainly moving on to different, new things and interests (and names ;) ). But the love for music is always here to stay and it is in my interest to share my own list of top albums from last year that’s given aural pleasure and new sensations that helped enrich this year and the future to come. There are more albums that’s been on my mind and I’m likely to follow up with worthy mentions. But knowing me, I am a terribly slow writer trying to find words to express my experiences with the albums that crossed my life and ears. Hence this list being a couple of months overdue...

Without further ado, I present to you my top 5 albums in no particular order. Perhaps you’ll find some new gems to check out...!

Cardhouse - City Blur Genre: Electronic/alternative rock The Liverpool band Anathema is seeing evolution and re-invention of their sound constantly, flirting more with modern electronics that graced their recent albums lately. Their current keyboardist/drummer Daniel Cardoso has fit well into the band's current formation and played competently in live shows though his apparent, creative mindset wouldn't be showcased there as much as it would show in his own debut, solo record he produced. Enter, Cardhouse! (I see what you did there, Cardoso)

The music in it is tricky to categorize but does deliver its own thing; a unique combination of alternative/indie rock with modern, electronic production and a dark, aesthetic foundation for the album. Cardoso handles all the instruments and programming that's well calculated yet sounding so unchained. (Yes, he did the Elvis cover here, too)

His crooning vocals go around the mid-high register, which adds to the melancholic value of certain songs but also belts out some yearning tones that adds some weight to the music. The vocal production is also enhanced by applying light pitch vibrato reminiscent of Daft Punk and distortion for intense moments, respectively.

Overall, City Blur is an engaging journey through the nocturnal soundscape that's defined by the electronic-rock hybrid and I anticipate a continuation of Daniel's creative, solo outputs in the near future.

Stand-out tracks: Ink, Forgotten, Monster.

Michael Romeo - War of the Worlds Pt. 1 Genre: Progressive power metal, Symphonic Metal Symphony X is going low since they released and promoted their latest album Underworld, leaving the members to pursue other projects while recharging. The classical-influenced axeman Michael Romeo, however, channels some of the 'X to his solo project, orchestrating new music while taking in other influences and musicians on board. They all fit like a glove together while the fresh singer John Castellano delivers nicely the melody lines, having the timbre and attitude of Kelly Sundown and occasionally reaches up the raw power of Russell Allen.

The record is a sci-fi concept album about the tense relationship between man and machine, making for a blending pot between metal, orchestral music and electronic music at some point. The Symphony X fans will rejoice to the band still sticking to the familiar songwriting, as much as I got instantly engaged in the first half of the album featuring tight songwriting, virtuoso musicianship, memorable hooks and meaty riffs.

Some curve-balls are thrown in, most prominently in the track "F*cking Robots", which I could describe it as a call-and-response between man and machine riding on EDM-metal crossover. Overall, the record had me blown away so here's to hoping the 2nd part holds candle to its predecessor, which might see the light of day this year or next.

Stand-out tracks: Fear The Unknown, Black, Djinn.

Mike Shinoda - Post-Traumatic Genre: Alternative hip hop, rap rock, alternative rock Following the tragedy that has befallen Linkin Park regarding Chester's suicide led by depression, the fellow band members have decided to take a hiatus in order to cope with their terrible loss. Whatever happens to LP remains uncertain by this day but Mike Shinoda has decided to write his difficult experiences and laments, after losing his close friend, into his solo rap album.

As it's a less common genre in my musical taste, Post-Traumatic is a mixed bag of musical elements embraced in Mike's recognizable rapping and songwriting akin to Linkin Park. The songs mainly contain electronics and sample-based beats but there are some rock music implemented in the album. Mike's lyrical deliery walk a fine balance between clear re-telling and poetic expressions, for the listeners to get a share of his states of mind throughout the griefing period that led into this album's production. There's also a handful of songs that feature guest artists that make fine contributions without taking over.

Post-Traumatic is an emotive concept rap record that is pretty dark and honest to its subject matter, with a vulnerable and cathartic side as presented by the LP vocalist, musician and producer. It was surely a difficult record for Mike to put together; the results show how he went through terrible times but forges on as a musician and living person.

Stand-out tracks: Over Again, Lift Off, I.O.U.

Phideaux - Infernal Genre: Progressive rock (Crossover) The wait has been long and Phideaux Xavier finally shows he's still around in the music world, juggling between his jobs as a series director (General Hospital) and his solo prog rock band. The previous album was released in 2011 but seeing that his band's trilogy had yet to finish their concept album trilogy that started with The Great Leap (2006) and Doomsday Afternoon (2007), the time finally came for them to wrap things up after 12 years of waiting. The fans could rejoice for Phideaux's return, as the years of teasing are finally through.

With plenty of materials to go by, Infernal is a double-disc album that follows the musical blueprint similar to Doomsday Afternoon and their recent albums, comprised from mainly 70's progressive rock, chamber music, neo-folk, psychedelic and gothic rock. This results in the decet (10 members!) band going on their adventurous mix of musical ideas that make every song stick out in their own way, characterized by their familiar use of mixed vocals, instrumental effects from modern and early technologies as well as a rich variety of vintage synth sounds.

The concept theme carries on towards its conclusion, touching more upon the dystopic science fiction that concerns a "Big Brother"-like society and ecological disasters. The tracks flow together and contain many cross references, lyrically and musically, that connect them within Infernal and the previous albums.

By the release of this final part of the trilogy being a fact, not only is it welcome for the fact that Phideaux can now put his mind to rest and move on with new, creative ideas but that Infernal showcases the band I've grown to love playing on a strong note as ever.

Stand-out tracks: The Sleepers Wake, The Order of Protection (One & Two), Tumbleweed

Alter Bridge - Live at the Royal Albert Hall Genre: Alternative metal, Hard rock, Symphonic rock, Post-grunge Live albums don't merit easily in the top lists as much as studio albums, so they have to contain something exclusive enough for a listener to buy it along with the studio album (regardless if they're playing your favorite songs in it or not). But a trend has been growing with rock bands doing live concerts, which is adding extra section musicians or even a full orchestra to add to the band's musical performance. The 90's had Metallica realize "S&M", Dream Theater made "Score" a reality in the 00's and this decade had a decent amount of progressive bands perform in Plovdiv, where a local orchestra has made a niche in augmenting the bands' classics with classical instruments (pun intended). It's probably no wonder that Alter Bridge would follow suit and do their own live take with an orchestra; an idea sparked by their manager that stuck fast and came to fruition.

Their setlist include tracks from every album released before-hand and don't shy away from songs that may have been played less live, on the principle of how well they fit with the orchestra. The best example would be "Words Darker Than Their Wings", which gives a more soaring air combined from the musical elements of epic rock and symphony. The heavier songs gain more dramatic weight delivered through while the balladic tracks are brought out in new shine, well worth hearing in Alter Bridge's both sides of spectrum. There's some behind-the-scenes footage coming up between the songs, which I find helps make a good connection with the viewers and fans to see the process that lead to the band's historical show.

For fans and new listeners alike, I'd proudly call "Live at the Royal Albert Hall" their go-to live album for the diverse yet accessible setlist and the orchestral addition to their music.

Stand-out tracks: Blackbird, Words Darker Than Their Wings, In Loving Memory

[aurimeanswind]

Games Are BETTER With Stories. Full Stop.

So this is a bit of a different tact for a post. This kind of acts as an OpEd to Ian Bogost’s opinion piece over at The Atlantic claiming that video games would be better if they abandoned stories.

For reference, here is the article in question:

https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2017/04/video-games-stories/524148/

Now I understand this article was probably intended to get a rise out of not just passionate video game writers such as myself, but also folks who actually write video games, develop games, and aspire to make the medium better as a whole. I have nothing against Bogost, this is even the first I’ve heard of him, but his piece seems so lacking in any credit for fantastic gaming examples at all that I thought a detailed response to the article, some counterpoints, could prove an interesting read. 

I have nothing against him, and he is absolutely entitled to his own opinion. That being said... I really, really disagree with him. This is not meant as an attack at all.

So the big aspect this article hinges on is that environmental storytelling is kind of a joke, by comparison, to “real” storytelling, like that of TV, film, and novels. The two big examples he uses are BioShock and Gone Home. The comparison of Gone Home to a young adult novel is both kind of apt, but also really dismissive of what that game evokes out of people.

Something really massive about games, and I talked about it on my Alex Talks about experiences, is that each person experiences a game differently. Now, this is absolutely true of all art and art forms, but the difference in games is that can have some form of physical manifestation. When you experience a video game differently, when it causes different senses in your brain, you will likely play the game differently. This can be a subtle thing, from dying more in a shooter to dying less, or exploring one room where another person spent hours in it, examining the environment. 

And that’s the key thing with games: everything is a story, and that story is always different depending on the player. Like I said in the video above, some games are crafted in a way to make that experience almost identical for everyone, but death count, level of frustration, difficulty level, all go a way to make it very subtly different for everyone who plays that, and thus the experience will evoke different things for different people, and in turn, will be different depending on the player. Now, I just mentioned that a different interpretation or experience is true of any form of interpretive art, but the fact that the way, the vehicle by which that changes is completely unique to games (deaths, retries, difficulty, etc) goes further to make gaming experiences have their own unique flair to them. This may seem like a weird and arbitrary detail or argument, but it’s not. It makes games accessible in ways that some mediums just art. Take my experience with Uncharted 4, compared to my mother’s. She doesn’t play many shooters, but because of the lock on and ease-of-diffuclty settings specific to Uncharted 4, she was able to play the entire game by herself, something untrue of the series up until that point, and she loved it.

Another big focus of Bogost’s argument were examples that all fell into the narrative-driven gaming experience. He also didn’t really end on an argument, a concept to push forward with. He said that games would be more interesting if we could take their worlds apart and put them back together, which I think was mostly in reference to What Remains of Edith Finch, a game that just came out today and I have not played, so I can’t really understand.

But to the argument against the narrative-driven game, let me bring up a gameplay-driven game: The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild. Every aspect, every occurrence in that game is a story. It’s a unique story to the player that is playing it, but there is no denying that this game that “forewent its story in service of being a video game” actually has more unique storytelling to it than most games of the last ten years. Everything you do and explore and engage with is a story unique to you as a player, and all the pulls and hints and attractions of that world, while still slightly guided, are at the behest of your own agency. When I run off and find some animal that I chase into a fight with a Lynel, that is a narrative of my own making, with characters, a hero, a villain, and a complete arc. It’s unquestionably the narrative he believes games should be abandoning, but never seems to provide a clear explanation of what that abandonment would be in service of? Instead, he’d rather a game be a flat picture that evoked sounds and colors over player-driven exploration, because guess what: that’s story. That’s one of many, many ways games can tell stories, and to disregard that as “just gameplay” or “not a real story” would be to disregard the majority of ambient storytelling devices in games. 

Again, I think this may come across as an odd example, and maybe Bogost would even say that that’s merely gameplay, and in service of his argument. But I’d disagree.

There would probably be an argument saying that The Last of Us’s story is just a movie or short TV series made into a game series, and that’s fine. I’d respect that argument, if it was well articulated. The Last of Us isn't even mentioned as one of the story-focused games in Bogost’s articles, either. Probably because he’d too easily write it off as another, “better” medium’s linear narrative merely adapted into a game. But The Last of Us accomplishes so much within the medium of games. It’s a story with gripping tension that genuinely complements the set piece moments of action placed throughout it’s story. There are moments, like when Joel gets injured toward the end of the Fall season, that are experience partly through cutscene, partly through actual, interactive gameplay. Their subtle ways to trick your mind into investing in the characters, only its not really trickery; it’s genuine emotion brought out of the player. Naughty Dog’s linear storytelling approach is one that works, and works very well. People will argue about their gameplay, but the tense, slow pulse of combat in The Last of Us is almost perfectly tailored to the narrative in play. It’s top of the line.

I could go on and on, but let me just touch on one other thing.

A lot of people give JRPGs shit for having batshit stories, or as what Bogost would probably describe as an “objectively bad story”, but that’s just not true. You can tell a story that is over the top, occult, or absurd, and still have it contain gripping characters, true moments of genuine emotion, and incredible payoffs. Persona 5 is absolutely one of those. If you want to sit here and tell me Persona 5 has a bad story, be my guest, but you’d be for sure wrong. All stories have some level of subjective determination with them, and they’ll resonate differently with different people.

What’s very cool and poignant about the Persona stories is their sense of scale. They take place over such a long time that it’s a different kind of investment. The 102 hours it took me to play Persona 5 was an investment, typically far longer than any entire TV series that exists out there. And instead of the time-skipping pacing of a television show, Persona always has a strictly metered pace. Pacing is a massive advantage video games have over just about every single other medium in existence, but I won’t get into that here. What i’m saying is, by pacing things out in a game like Persona 5, so that you actually live an entire year in a person’s life, there is a gradual and steady build of investment, not just in your own character and the world, but the other characters, You have to spend some collective amount of time with another character to become their best friend and confidant, just like real life. Persona is already unique in its approach to this, and just going and watching the Persona 4 Animation ostensibly proves that you lose almost all of the magic converting what is an “anime game” to an “actual anime”, and that is proof enough for this relatively shallow argument in an example that I don’t even think Bogost would have considered.

I don’t mean to sound dismissive here. There is absolutely room for conversations about how video games could, and should, be better. They still have plenty of room to grow. But by saying that they will be stuck in “perpetual adolescence” and should ostensibly “give up” is, as Danielle Riendaeu said on Twitter, just fucking lazy. 

Anyway, cheers to Bogost’s opinion, it did awaken something passionate in me. It seems this was definitely more on the bait-y end of the article spectrum, and maybe I fell for it, but I’ve always vehemently fought for the fact that video game stories are great in their own right, interesting, and unique in both their approach and results. But like I said, he is absolutely entitled to his opinion. <3

[theavengingmusicjournalist]

The 2016 GSA Forum Brings Education, Comfort, Awareness, and Togetherness at Perth Amboy High School

By Lana Leonard

Taking a break from protesting, I went to a different kind of unity gathering this past weekend. This Sat. Nov. 19 Perth Amboy High School held the thirteenth annual NJ GSA Forum hosted by HiTOPS and GLSENS Central New Jersey. The biggest forum yet, with over 500 student, educator, volunteer, activist, and parent participants, this year’s event was all about standing up, as the forum was titled, “Rise Up! ¡Levantense!” with keynote speaker, Sonia Guiñansaca. This will be the fifth NJ GSA Forum I have attended and I want to share with you some special moments. 

Let’s talk about religion. In session two, a workshop was held where a panel of spiritual LGBTQ representatives and allies opened up about their spirituality and religion and students opened up about their religion and spirituality in return. The panel, comprised of John Marron, board member of GLSEN Central NJ, Michelle McKenzie Creech, Tina Mummela, an ally from Finland, Tedford J. Taylor, Louise Walpin, Marsha Shapiro, and Reverand AnnMarie Zhati Agosta from Brooklyn. Each one opened up to the audience, a group of students and educators, about their history in religion and their present in it. I ended up in a circle of students and one other adult with Reverand Zhati. 48-years-old, Zhati discussed how religion is in the heart. 

As even Creech herself said, “Love is ultimately what brings us together.” Zhati furthered this notion by saying, “People have a limited understanding of what religion is supposed to do. Religion is supposed to bring people together.” I found this workshop incredibly important because religion is hard for LGBTQ people to feel welcome into. LGBTQ is often rejected by religious communities, but Zhati had a response to this feeling and what she said was not to listen to the interpretation of others but to respond to religion with how it feels inside of us—inside our hearts. 

I had asked what Zhati had to say about religion and this 2016 Presidential Election. What she said was brilliant: “Before an infection can be healed it must reach this intense point,” Zhati said, “The wound is where the light comes in.” Nelly Sanchez Aranda, 15, from Trenton was a particular sight that bent my heart. She kept her tears back, discussing her pain of the election and all of her fears. She had to come to a realization that through her pain, positivity would be the answer, as she said, “Don’t let the negativity fill your body—look on the bright side, we all want positivity. No to fear, yes to acceptance—we want the best for everyone.” 

Another workshop I participated in was, **We’ve been here: Improving your Allyship for Non-binary Latinx by Latinx, LGBTQ activist and Princeton University student Arlene B. Gamio Cuervo the author of Latinx: A brief handbook for the Princeton LGBT Center. 

Session one was extremely informative and eye opening to our global cultures. Cuervo discussed gender inclusivity through language, specifically in Latinx culture. Latin’x’, with emphasis on the ‘x’, refers to the gender spectrum for those that do not fit between neither man nor woman but somewhere in between or not at all. The ‘x’ brings more inclusivity where as the ‘a’/‘o’ are exclusive to binary genders, excluding those that, again, are inbetween genders or not at all. 

Cuervo brought attention to the dimension of intersectionalities between gender identity, ethnicity, culture, skin color and sexual orientation, as we discussed AfrxLatinx, or Latinx people of color.   

Colors of our skin vary in every ethnicity no matter the region we are from and that does need to be recognized, as do these minorities who are not recognized under certain political eccentrisms. Cuervo led the audience to answer her questions or answer others. As some audience members were young, learning about themselves and others, some were older also learning about themselves and others. One unamed high school student said, “I don’t know what I am.” 

The student was at the NJ GSA Forum and at Cuervo’s workshop to learn more about herself and LGBTQ peoples. She seemed intrigued by what was said but not fearful to ask questions or be questioned. I wanted to hug her because I wanted her to know she will find out what she is and she will be loved by all of us. I wish I hugged her. 

“It feels liberating, empowering, and energizing to be around a group of kids who share your identity,” said LGBTQ Director of HiTOPS Daniel Fernandez. Fernandez helped host this past Saturday’s event saying that this forum, in particular, was special to him. Latinx himself, Fernandez identifies as a transgender male. 

Fernandez and I first met at last year’s GSA Forum, which was held at my Ocean Township High School. Taking over the role of Corrine O’Hara, HiTops health educator and co-founder of the Forum. 

Keynote, Sonia Guiñansaca spoke to the forum’s over 500 students about Trump’s victory over Hillary Clinton. She talked about her and her partner driving home in an Uber watching states turn read. She discussed her life as a once undocumented immigrant, and how the fear of such an unapologetic President-elect made her she said she hoped  “ I want to feel safe now; not in the future; not in twenty years from now; not after we have done all of this organizing in struggle, and I want to feel it now,” said Guiñansaca, “I want to be my full self everyday, right now.”

What Guiñansaca is confident about is the many acts we have already taken and the many acts of courage we will take. When I had asked her what has inspired her all of these years and made her find personable relation and representation of who she is, Guiñansaca said she has turned to poetry, turning to writers that have made her feel complete. Guiñansaca has also found inspiration in our queer, undocumented elders. She says, “How they have navigated their life has been inspirational.” 

This year’s forum has brought a plethora of diversity, love, emotion and heart. We have brought attention to intersectionalities upon intersectionalities, queer undocumented peoples, Latinx communities, being queer in the real world, Latinx allyship, being transgender in the workplace, Legal rights for LGBTQ+, art, queer people of color, and so much more. 

Every year there is something to learn at the NJ GSA Forum no matter who you are, what you’ve experienced, and where we stand as a nation, community and world. This was just a snippet of the beauty, emotion, safety, togetherness, and education the Forum blossoms every year. With that said, I hope to experience the all encompassing haven of the NJ GSA Forum with you next year and years to come.

[moviesarereel-blog]

Movies Are Reel: Top 10 Movies of 2016

2016 is dead.

It has been roughly a year since we have started this podcast.

We have seen a lot of movies in 2016. 

So it seems only fitting that we rank what we have agreed upon to be the top 10 movies of the year 2016. 

This list came together by using a scientific method that is indisputable*.  

*completely disputable

It took a lot of discussion, list making, and some of us had to make some sacrifices, but this is a list that all three of us of could agree upon as a podcast. 

That being said, we do have different opinions, which is why you will also find our individual top three films of the year. 

Movies That We Didn’t Get Around to Seeing

Listen, we can’t get around to watching everything, but we will admit that there were some significant films that we could not see for one reason or another that we should have. 

For some of these, specifically La, La, Land and The Eyes of My Mother, they just were not showing at a theater near us at the time we put this list together. 

The movies that we just could not see for this list are: 

The Nice Guys

La La Land

Manchester By The Sea

The Eyes of My Mother

The Edge of Seventeen 

Honorable Mentions

As I said, we all had to make some sacrifices for this list. Stuff got cut, got added back on, and some great movies didn’t crack the top ten. Which is why we decided to give these movies their own spotlight. 

These are our honorable mentions for the top 10 movies of 2016:

The Conjuring 2

On the coattails of the success of this film’s predecessor, it would have been very easy to skate by and make something sub-par. Thankfully, The Conjuring 2 has decidedly staked its claim onto the hearts of most horror fans. The continued dissection of Ed and Lorraine Warren’s case files brings us to the events surrounding the Enfield Poltergeist. While some dissenters say that The Conjuring 2 is too by the books for a haunted house-centric story, the film proves that it’s not only aware of the expectations held by the audience as far as cliche and the retreading of tropes, but it’s able to manipulate them and draw genuine scares, while still maintaining a level of warmness and heart that makes its characters likable and present. With a superb focus on tension and suspense, The Conjuring 2 has more than earned a place of honorable mention.

- Karrie Lyles

The Invitation 

The Invitation is a slow and fascinating burn.  It’s a film that constantly challenges the audience’s perception up to it’s climatic and memorable finale. It does a great job of placing you in a space and making you feel on-edge. Part drama, thriller, and horror film, The Invitation is a tense movie that is engaging up to its conclusion. 

- Jurge Cruz-Alvarez

The Lobster

The Lobster is a satire on the systematic and emotionless approach many people take to finding love. In an alternate reality where being single is outlawed, one would think that loneliness would be hard to come by. However, the characters at the forefront of our story inhabit a constant state of cold and stark isolation, even when they do find love, whether it be organically or manufactured. In this world however, love in all it’s forms is quantified, measured and heavily scrutinized, like some sort of product on an assembly line. The tone this film presents is one of prevailing melancholia which aches with solitude. The lines are delivered with zero inflection or emotion, yet still demonstrate the eccentric sense of dry humor at the core of the story. On concept alone this film is one of the best offerings of 2016, but is bumped to the next level with strong and nuanced performances and clever writing.

- Karrie Lyles 

The Top 10 Movies of 2016

Alright, well, here we go. 

No more putting it off, here is our top 10 movies of 2016:

10. Zootopia 

Zootopia is an original animated film put together by the folks over at Walt Disney Animation Studios that refuses to talk down to its primary audience, children. It’s a film that fits the bill of a colorful and lively Disney romp for children, but it also sands alone as a smart, technically impressive, and fantastical film. In a year with a lot of animated films of varying quality, Zootopia is not only one of the best animated films of 2016, but one that will probably stand the test of time.   

 - Jurge Cruz-Alvarez

9. The Jungle Book

It’s easy to say that the film industry is over-saturated with remakes and sequels that are uninspired and unnecessary. However, when it comes to Jon Favreau’s journey into the Disney classic The Jungle Book, there’s nothing tired about it. The story has newfound power and mastery leaving behind any conceptions that it’s nothing more than a movie for kids. Propelled ahead of other talking animal movies by the amazing performances of the leading cast and the beautiful atmosphere created in the landscape of the film, The Jungle Book is a stellar experience.

- Karrie Lyles 

8. Arrival 

Arrival is fresh. Of the films in its genre that have released in the past five years, Arrival is one of the best, if not the best. It tells its story in an eerie, mysterious, and well, alien way.  Its style is haunting and its performance from its lead Amy Adams is strong. While some story threads are connected in a questionable fashion, it’s one that works well and leaves the audience with nuanced questions.

- Jurge Cruz-Alvarez

7.  Southbound 

Southbound has proven itself not only as a unique and unforgettable horror romp, but also as a test of endurance. An amalgamation of brutality, unease, and terror, this anthology horror film enters the list as an exciting and stylized plunge into purgatory in the form of the open road. Five stories are laced loosely but effectively together by the desolate stretch of highway, the radio host encouraging the driver, and the omnipresent sense of dread. The many facets of this film, from the dissonant and purposeful soundtrack to the haunting design of the creatures, establish an isolated world that seems to have an agenda all its own. Would it be too cheesy to say buckle up?

- Karrie Lyles 

6. The Neon Demon

A film as divisive as it is stylish. The Neon Demon creates a beautiful fantasy world that slowly morphs into a vaporwave nightmare. Some will fall in love with it, others will despise it, and many will find themselves fluctuating in between. It’s  unique nature is worth the watch to see which end of the spectrum you fall on.

- Ryan Lance

5. Rouge One: A Star Wars Story 

As outrageous as it might sound, Rogue One wound up being a grounded film; certainly when compared to other films in the franchise.  Its focus on a group of nobodies who are truly presented as a group of nobodies, and the clever ways it ties itself to A New Hope gives the conflict of the original three Star Wars films a new sense of humanity and weight. While it certainly has some fat around the edges, that does not stop Rogue One from being a strong action sci-fi film.

As someone who thinks A New Hope stands alone and is the best thing to have the name Star Wars, I was happy to see this film successfully enrich such a classic.

- Jurge Cruz

4. Green Room

Green Room’s relatively simple premise sets up a brutal thriller that keeps you invested all the way through. It’s a violent and gritty ride you’ll be watching while curled into a ball on your couch (At least I was). With some outstanding performances from Patrick Stewart and the late Anton Yelchin, Green Room is a must watch for all fans of the thriller genre.

- Ryan Lance

3. Swiss Army Man

Swiss Army Man is one of those films where the people who talk about it always seem to be compelled to throw in a “where do I begin?” or a “you have to see it to believe it” or something of similar awestruck yet confused wonder. An unflinching look at what constitutes a full life. This film breaks down what fuels and perpetuates societal shame and illustrates what an imposition decency can be.The devastating reality of a suicidal man having to convince someone how beautiful and fulfilling it is to be alive. Born from what the directors, Daniels, hate most in film; bodily humor, acapella music, and musicals, comes a heartfelt and wonderfully crafted film that you just can’t get out of your head.

- Karrie Lyles 

2. 10 Cloverfield Lane 

10 Cloverfield Lane leaves you feeling as claustrophobic as its characters, with tension rising the longer you are trapped in there. This type of psychological thriller isn’t one you come across often, as it plays with your fears and anxiety in thoughtful ways similar films fail at. Add in some fantastic performances by the small cast of Mary Elizabeth Winstead, John Goodman, and John Gallagher Jr., and 10 Cloverfield Lane is a film I’d recommend to anyone.

- Ryan Lance

And finally…

1. The Witch 

The Witch was one of our most anticipated films of this year, and there was certainly some skepticism if it could live up to the excitement we ourselves built up for it. It was clear that it was a horror film of a different species, one slower and very deliberate.

I personally was worried that it would turn out as a plodding film with a lot of ambition.

But The Witch delivers. It’s an unsettling film with unforgettable imagery and a fascinating dissection of a family and their inner politics. Its lead character, played Anya Taylor-Joy, is probably one of the most complicated and multifaceted characters in the history of horror. The growth she goes through is one that challenges critical thought while still being gripping.

Its ending is also pretty darn fun.

It’s because of this that it is our movie of the year. 

- Jurge Cruz

Personal Lists

Well, that was a lot of work. Now that the weight is off our backs, let’s get a bit more casual. 

Here are our top three films of 2016,

Karrie’s Top Three Movies of 2016:

1. Swiss Army Man (Karrie already talked about it on the list)

2. Southbound   (Karrie already talked about it on the list)

3. Gods of Egypt 

Some people just want to watch the flat Earth burn, or be attacked by a giant space snake. I get it, OK? This movie is hot garbage BUT, it’s the best and hottest garbage in all the land. Somewhere along the line of making fun of this movie constantly, I found myself genuinely liking it. The chorus of characters that are shallow and unlikable, the metallic humanoid CGI battle bots, the fact that post Pirates of the Caribbean Geoffrey Rush is condemned to be a disgruntled sea captain forever, it’s a bottomless pit of things that you should never do in a film, but THIS film has the gumption to not only do all of them, but to sequel bait at the end. This movie is pure gold just like the blood that runs through the veins of the slightly above average sized gods who walk among us. Even if it’s for all the wrong reasons Gods of Egypt is one of my favorite films of 2016. 

- Karrie Lyles

Jurge’s Top Three Movies of 2016: 

1. The Witch (Jurge already talked about it on the list)

2. Green Room 

From my review 

“Green Room is a compact and human horror thriller. Its tension is so high because it respects its young cast and makes them human. The violence it is so good at displaying hits hard and adds to that tension. For a movie about a bunch of kids getting picked off one by one, it is really, really smart. Apart from two notable exceptions, its characters aren’t all that likable or memorable, but you can still buy into them. They aren’t obnoxious. They are people. That’s why it’s a cut above a lot of films in the genre, and why it’s one of 2016’s best films.” 

- Jurge Cruz-Alvarez

3. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Jurge already talked about it on the list)

So, that’s 2016. If you have read this or have given any of our content any attention, thank you. It means a lot. We’re excited to jump into 2017 and hope to keep the podcast going strong.  

Here’s hoping January is a strong start.

Ryan’s Top Three Movies of 2016:

1. 10 Cloverfield Lane (Ryan already talked about it on the list)

2. The Witch

3. The Neon Demon

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jurge: 

twitter: https://twitter.com/suparherojar26

blog: http://jcruzalvarez.tumblr.com/

Ryan 

twitter: https://twitter.com/fryanpans

blog: http://freezevolt.tumblr.com/

Karrie

twitter: https://twitter.com/kar_elyles

blog: sylvia-socioplath.tumblr.com

[d-and-s-are-bord-blog]

Better Late Than Never: 19 Must-See Movies from 1999

via WordPress ift.tt/2HJ5MjA

From 19 movie lovers to one other, here are some of our favorites from 1999.

We get a lot of emails here at Film School Rniejects, and while most of them are split pretty evenly between people curious if Kieran Fisher is a “real” person and others asking Christopher Campbell, Esq. for nudes, some are actually complimentary enough towards the site to count as fan letters.

One such example came to us recently from a young woman in the UK hoping to celebrate turning 19 years old with a writing project about movies released in 1999. Her plan was to watch or re-watch films from that year and then write about each of them whether she connected with the movie or not. As a fan of FSR and One Perfect Shot she asked if we could offer a few suggestions as to what we consider to be the must-see movies of 1999.

“Hi, I figure this email is a long shot but I’d really love your help. My name is Ellie, I’m 18, a complete film geek and I could not live without Film School Rejects or One Perfect Shot. I’m starting a project that involves me trying to watch new or rewatch 19 films from 1999 by the time I’m 19 on June 2nd and I would really love any suggestions that I can add to my list. I know its small, but this project means a lot to me and I’d love to complete it and write up about all of them, whether I’m passionate about them or whether I detest them. It would mean the world to get some help on this.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Ellie

London, United Kingdom”

The smart, easy, and nice thing to do would have been for one of us to dash off a quick list of 1999’s best films so she’d have it in time for her birthday. Unfortunately, we here at FSR prefer to complicate things and miss deadlines whenever possible, so instead of a short list we’d like to present Ellie with 19 picks from 19 members of our team. Some might seem obvious, others less so, but it’s most definitely a broad spectrum highlighting not only our staff’s eclectic tastes but also the absolute wonder that is cinema’s breadth and scope.

We write about movies because we love movies (and because Disney pays so damn well for positive Marvel coverage, but that’s a bit off topic so forget I even said it), and we’re equally excited by any opportunity to share that love with others. There are so many amazing films out there, and like everyone else, we’re still discovering new favorites every day.

So happy belated birthday Ellie! We apologize for the tardiness of our reply, but hopefully you find something new to appreciate from our picks and that they add to your already growing love for the movies. (And, yes, we did add a bonus pick for an even twenty to get a jump on your 20th birthday…)

10 Things I Hate About You (directed by Gil Junger)

Perhaps the last great teen movie of the 20th century, 10 Things I Hate About You made its debut in 1999. It’s essential viewing for any rom-com fan, but especially for young women. Kat (Julia Stiles) is a badass feminist lead unlike many we see in romantic comedies who accepts an invitation to prom from class mystery man Patrick (Heath Ledger). There’s miscommunication, true love, and a Shakespeare enthusiast. The soundtrack is the perfect time capsule of 1999, but it still rocks today. It’s a fun and adorable movie I adored when I was nineteen! – Emily Kubincanek

All About My Mother (directed by Pedro Almodóvar)

Us film writers have a bad habit of using “melodrama” like it’s a dirty word. The thing is, melodrama is most often used as a crutch—blatant appeals to viewers’ emotions made in an attempt to distract audiences from other shortcomings. It takes a skilled filmmaker to remind us of how wrong we are in conflating melodrama’s potential with the underwhelming contents in which it is most often seen, and Pedro Almodóvar is perhaps the preeminent master of melodrama working today. Todo Sobre Mi Madre (All About My Mother) is stuffed to the brim with plotting straight from a soap opera, expertly condensing the twists and turns one might expect from an entire television season into less than two hours. Gorgeously vibrant and filled with innovative cinematography that will stick in your brain long afterward, the film is a much-needed reminder that melodrama and great cinema can absolutely be one and the same. And that you should always look both ways before crossing the road. – Ciara Wardlow

Analyze This (directed by Harold Ramis)

What is the best way to understand film genre? Apart from actually sitting down and immersing oneself in its finest examples, the answer is clear: genre parodies! An overlooked classic is Harold Ramis’ Analyze This. One sentence summary: Robert De Niro plays a mob boss and Billy Crystal is his psychiatrist. It’s a ton of fun! Also, it’s a thoughtful satire, one that raises deep questions about our understanding of masculinity, especially in films about Italian-American men. In Goodfellas, De Niro plays a mobster completely devoid of emotion; here, he plays one who struggles to admit he has emotions because he believes doing so would make him weak. It’s well-worth your time, plus, if you like it, there’s a sequel! – Will DiGravio

Audition (directed by Takashi Miike)

By the time you read this, Takashi Miike’s filmography will have surpassed 100 directorial outings and some change. The Japanese maverick is a workaholic who’s willing to make any project he gets offered, though when you look at the eclectic array of titles in his oeuvre, what you see is some of the boldest and most daring cinema of the last 20 years. Audition, which is based on Ryu Murakami’s novel of the same name, is one of his foremost masterworks, as well as an example of J-horror at its smartest and most sadistic. It tells the story of a widower who’s looking to get back into the dating game, but he gets more than he bargained for when he meets a woman with a mysterious past and a willingness to go the extra mile. Part romantic comedy, part stomach-churning nightmare, Audition serves as the perfect introduction to Miike’s demented world, and it’ll either make you want to delve in further or avoid it forever. – Kieran Fisher

The Blair Witch Project (directed by Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sánchez)

Found footage movies get a bad wrap. Look, I get it. After the – ahem – foundational film The Blair Witch Project made its splash debut at Sundance Film Festival, screening at midnight to an unsuspecting crowd, studios every year have attempted to cash in on this low-cost way of filmmaking. But when done right, this POV format elicits a cinema verite quality that we so rarely see in the horror genre. And that’s what makes Blair Witch work so well. It just feels real. And in a time when the internet was just becoming what it is today, it was easy for the studios to really capitalize on that and make audiences believe that it was real. From the website that the filmmakers set up to the Sci-Fi Channel “documentary” The Curse of the Blair Witch that ran the week before the film released, they essentially made not only the first Augmented Reality game but also an immersive experience. Watching the film you feel like you are in the Black Hills Forest with Heather, Mike, and Josh slowly losing your sanity as the claustrophobic woods send chills down your spine. And when the woods finally come alive, the terror feels real. In a decade that was full of glossy excess, the simplistic DIY quality of The Blair Witch Project made it a breath of fresh air. This film didn’t have beautiful 20-somethings, pretending to still be in high school, running away from a hook hand or a ghost mask, this was a fear of the unknown. What’s right behind the door, or down that dark corridor. What we can’t even begin to comprehend, for fear we go mad. Often imitated, but never duplicated: The Blair Witch Project is real old-school horror. – Jacob Trussell

Dick (directed by Andrew Fleming)

After nearly 20 years, I still can’t believe Dick hasn’t become at least a cult classic. This movie has so many hilarious performances from its mix of Kids in the Hall and Saturday Night Live cast members, including Bruce McCullough and a not-yet-famous Will Ferrell as iconic journalists Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward. Ryan Reynolds is here pre-fame, as well. The political satire mashed with teen comedy stars Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst on the edge of their transitions from child actresses to Oscar and Emmy worthy talents, and that’s a perfect spot for them to be in while they play bubbly girls in the midst, almost Forrest Gump-like, in one of America’s most notorious scandals. It’s a hip, lampooning introduction to the Nixon Administration and Watergate for young audiences with a wonderful portrayal of Tricky Dick by Dan Hedaya, and it’s a light and entertaining take on political corruption and the well-worn story of becoming disappointed with heroes and leaders. – Christopher Campbell

Election (directed by Alexander Payne)

Hear me out: Tracy Flick did nothing wrong. Over the years, Reese Witherspoon’s portrayal of an uncannily chipper, type-A teen who will stop at nothing to become student body president has been hailed as both a cultural icon and monstrous villain – but as a profoundly dorky and overachieving teenage girl who first saw Alexander Payne’s Election when I was Flick’s age, I’ve always felt a deep kinship with her. Matthew Broderick is disarmingly convincing as its (unreliable) protagonist, a beloved teacher who can only see Flick as a vindictive seductress after an affair with his married colleague (a situation we’d recognize today as statutory rape). In retrospect, it seems to occupy a strange in-between era of teen-media canon – its sour, biting portrait of high school politics takes after the pitch-black wit of Heathers, and yet its earnest idiosyncrasy also recalls later, weirder works like the great American Vandal. It’s the rare kind of comedy whose sense of humor is dazzlingly sharp and yet never feels mean-spirited. – Aline Dolinh

Eyes Wide Shut (directed by Stanley Kubrick)

Stanley Kubrick’s final film is a salacious peekaboo exploration of the sexual desires hidden within the minds of our significant other. We recognize the deep, dark secrets that lurk inside our own fantasies, but we dare not ask our partners what delights they crave. What’s the password? You do not want to know. Eyes Wide Shut peels the curtain back on the lust that fuels humanity. The film is made all the more dangerous by casting real-life married couple (at the time anyway) Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in the roles of the husband and wife reeling from the revelations laid bare after one admits their carnal wants. Their bedroom confrontation is an exposed vein that the audience both recoils from and salivates towards. We should not be privy to such horrendous intimacy. Kubrick’s passing and the prudish controversy surrounding the centerpiece orgy marred the initial response to the film. The longer I’ve sat with Eyes Wide Shut, the more time it has wormed its way into my relationships. Don’t wonder what’s going on in your lover’s head. Ask. Or suffer the torment. – Brad Gullickson

Fight Club (directed by David Fincher)

Before it became a stereotypical Film Bro signpost, this fantasia of runaway masculinity was a pulsating, bloody, controversial revelation. An essential entry into the filmographies of Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, and Helena Bonham Carter, it was also the movie that gave David Fincher his biggest early push toward his current label as a modern auteur filmmaker. Love it or hate it, Fight Club is a pop cultural touchstone, referenced for its quotable dark humor, brutal offhand violence, anti-Capitalist ideology, and above all else, its wildly surprising ending. First and foremost, though, I think Fight Club is an example of what filmmaking can look like at its most technically brilliant. It was the movie that made me fall in love with the aesthetic side of cinema, the technical aspects which separate film from other mediums of storytelling. As with Fincher’s later works, Fight Club makes use of sounds and sights, colors and cuts that flow seamlessly together, fluid and visually dynamic, to create a rich and distinctive moviegoing experience. – Valerie Ettenhofer

Galaxy Quest (directed by Dean Parisot)

1999 was a simpler time on the verge of being more complicated. It undeniably had its eye to the future, but its special effects and grasp of a swiftly changing technological landscape haven’t all aged amazingly. Galaxy Quest actually holds up surprisingly well, but it does make for interesting viewing 19 years later. In 1999 the internet was still a new phenomenon, not yet a place where everyone and their dog had an opinion on your favorite sci-fi show. The film’s main plot, that an alien species have mistaken a tv show for reality, is inherently clever and funny, but seen from 2018, when all-consuming fandom is more visible than ever, it doesn’t feel quite so… otherworldly. That’s what makes it obligatory viewing for the end of the millennium — now officially older than its long-canceled titular show, it offers a prescient view of the world that it almost certainly didn’t intend. It’s a time capsule of accidental speculation. It’s also a fun space adventure with a lot of heart and Alan Rickman, so if you’re not in the mood for reflecting on how the world has changed drastically since your birth, you can still have a great time. – Liz Baessler

Girl, Interrupted (directed by James Mangold)

There truly aren’t many films exploring the motives and psyches of teenage girls, but alongside other 1999 releases such as 10 Things I Hate About You and The Virgin Suicides, Girl, Interrupted furthered the presence and dimensions of young women on-screen. In classic Winona Ryder style, she undertakes the role of an interesting, intellectual, and misunderstood adolescent, namely Susanna Kaysen, an eighteen-year-old who has found herself admitted to a mental institution following an overdose. She finds the women around her (an incredible supporting cast in the form of Brittany Murphy, Elisabeth Moss, and Clea DuVall) both relatable and frightening, revealing the inner prejudices she holds within herself. The real challenge Susanna faces, however, is the charisma and allure of sociopath Lisa Rowe (Angelina Jolie’s Oscar-winner, and an icon on every teen’s Tumblr dashboard circa 2012). Underneath the powerhouse cast and vivid identities, however, is a focus on mental illness and coming-of-age that makes Girl, Interrupted a seminal piece for anyone trying to navigate their place in the world. Susanna is the narrator of the story in place of the audience’s inner monologue, skipping with us through the highs, and tugging us out of the lows. It shows, frankly, that with therapy, recovery is possible. It also emphasizes the importance of friendship and the solidarity of women, providing a depiction of troubled teenage years with an absorbing and truthful force. – Anya Hudson

The Iron Giant (directed by Brad Bird)

When Brad Bird’s directorial debut about a boy and his giant robot from outer space hit theatres on August 6th, 1999, it was a critical success. But Warner Brothers hadn’t had the first idea how to advertise it, and it opened in ninth place at the box office. And in all fairness, The Iron Giant doesn’t exactly fit into a marketable mold. That’s one of the film’s strengths. It’s based off a children’s story that Ted Huges wrote to comfort his children after the suicide of his wife, Sylvia Plath. It’s a Norman Rockwell-inspired political parable about a young boy befriending a metal monster who, despite his programming, doesn’t want to do harm. It had something to say about fear-mongering, violence betting violence, and the cost of peace—and it said all these things without talking down to young viewers. At its core, The Iron Giant is a story of empowerment, not as myth or destiny, but as a choice. You are who you choose to be. You can be gentle, you can defend, and you can be kind. You can be superman. – Meg Shields

Magnolia (directed by Paul Thomas Anderson)

Magnolia is significant in the 1999 canon for several reasons. It is arguably Paul Thomas Anderson’s best film. It has an ensemble cast that rivals some of the best actors and actresses of our time. And frankly, it contains one of the best performances from Tom Cruise. That alone would be a feat, but Magnolia is an untraditional epic that proves that nothing is written in stone. Anderson uses a short story to present audiences to the idea of strange phenomenon. An unsuccessful suicide turns into a murder by the most unlikely circumstances. That is the theme that runs through Magnolia, unlikely circumstances. Donnie Smith (William H. Macy) was a former quiz show winner whose moment of fame passed him by. The man who hosts that show, Jimmy Gator (Philip Baker Hall), has his own issues as he is slowly dying from cancer. And these two are connected to other members in the cast through coincidences. Anderson has waned back and forth on whether Magnolia is his masterpiece, but regardless of opinion, there is no denying the power of the film. Add in an iconic score by Aimee Mann — and did I already mention Tom Cruise’s performance? — and you have a movie experience quite unlike any other. – Max Covill

The Matrix (directed by The Wachowskis)

Notice how in almost every action movie there will be a slo-mo fight sequence where the protagonist is dodging bullets left and right? You can thank 1999’s The Matrix for that. Though, admittedly, later films may not exactly do it justice. Moving past those iconic visual effects (known more familiarly as “bullet time”, undeniably made most famous by The Matrix though it can be found in its predecessors) this movie is a wild ride that defined the action genre for years to come. The use of sophisticated fight scenes, heavily featuring a martial arts fighting style as per its Hong Kong cinema influence, along with incredibly complex and unique worldbuilding, The Matrix has firmly secured its spot in pop culture legend. What’s more, Keanu Reeves shines as hacker-turned-rebel against the machines, adding sci-fi badass to his already notable film career. His journey as Neo takes you from sympathizing with his 9 to 5 struggles (a good juxtaposition, as the side gig as a career cyber-criminal was probably less relatable) and seeing apart of yourself in a character going through the gray-tinged motions of a salaryman, to wanting to be him. Who wouldn’t want an alluring, mysterious stranger to plunge you into the realities of a dystopia, introducing you to a cyberpunk cult who gives you the choice to change your perception of the world forever? It seems much more appealing in The Matrix, I promise. The Wachowskis’ most famous achievement, this is a film much better viewed than dissected, particularly at the risk of revealing an amazing semi-plot twist. It’s more than just a pop culture phenomenon, still able to stand tall in 2018 as the perfect combination of action film technique and sci-fi storytelling prowess. While the gothic, cyberpunk look of the costumes and character style may admittedly date itself, the core and general appeal of the movie hold strong. Where else can you find Reeves entering a technological-underworld, filled with the expected futuristic elements coupled with a grungy exterior⎯ while also battling cryptic agents and practicing kung-fu. – Kendall Cromartie

The Mummy (directed by Stephen Sommers)

Two sequels, four Scorpion King spin-offs, and an ill-fated reboot may have diluted the Universal Mummy brand, but Stephen Sommers’ original summer blockbuster is still as ruggedly charming as its lead. Brendan Fraser is at the peak of his dopey charm here, and Sommers rips off Indiana Jones with freewheeling ease, forgoing scares in favor of all manner of swashbuckling adventure, complete with a climactic sword fight with an undead army. There’s no sweaty cinematic universe-building to be found in The Mummy, just good old-fashioned grave-robbing fun. – John DiLillo

Peppermint Candy (directed by Lee Chang-dong)

There are plenty of light and fluffy movies I love, both from the US and elsewhere, but my heart belongs to darkness. (On the screen at least… I’ll stick with light and fluffy in real life.) South Korean cinema is better than most at scratching this particular itch, and Lee Chang-dong’s beautiful but devastating look at his own country’s recent history does it in brilliant fashion. Like the more well-known Irreversible from three years later, Peppermint Candy magnifies the story’s drama and emotional effect by playing out in reverse chronological order. We start with a broken man screaming on a train track as the locomotive rushes toward him, and we work backward through his life to the young idealist he once was. It’s a personal tale of one man’s disappointment, but the events he experiences also tell the story of South Korea’s own growing pains as a young democracy. It’s a smartly crafted punch to the heart, and it’s one of 1999’s best films. – Rob Hunter

Ratcatcher (directed by Lynne Ramsay)

Too often in conversations of a year’s best films are international works forgotten. For this reason, if you’re looking at 1999 in movies, Scottish writer-director Lynne Ramsay’s feature film debut Ratcatcher is a must-see. The film is set in 1973 and tells the story of James, a young boy living with his family in a run-down housing scheme in Glasgow during the city-wide garbage strike, leaving the already dilapidated residential units in worse conditions ever. By exploring the minutiae of the sensitive James’ daily life, Ramsay creates a film that delivers an incredibly thoughtful and powerful meditation on ever-relevant themes of poverty, guilt, secret-keeping and human connection. – Madison Brek

Ravenous (directed by Antonia Bird)

It’s been a slow climb to respectability for Bird’s 19th-century cannibal classic. Universally panned on its release – the film was called a ‘stupid black comedy’ and ‘material that’s often better suited to a Monty Python skit’ – Ravenous has slowly risen in the esteem of horror fans and earned a spot as one of the better horror films of the last 20 years. And for good reason: not only does Ravenous feature the kind of onscreen talent normally reserved for high-profile chamber pieces, it also contains one of the most memorable soundtracks of any decade, a pop-infused cacophony of period instruments and chanting (co-written by Blur and Gorillaz frontman Damon Albarn). Equal parts black comedy and superhero-horror hybrid, Ravenous is the kind of movie that was meant to get better with time. Here’s to the cavalcade of anniversary pieces already scheduled for next spring. – Matthew Monagle

The Straight Story (directed by David Lynch)

There’s art-damaged David Lynch, there’s network TV David Lynch and even big studio David Lynch, but what if the best David Lynch is the one that Disney randomly bought at Cannes the summer of ’99 and which remains the director’s only G-rated entertainment? Shot along the route that notable Iowan Alvin Straight took by lawnmower to see his brother over in Wisconsin a few years before, The Straight Story tells this tale with the kind of look-in-your-eye sincerity that Lynch had for so long only been able to perform in various tediously ironic costumes. Richard Farnsworth, a stuntman who once played Matthew in Anne of Green Gables, is Straight, exalted here as an ordinary joe stubborn to the progress of time and old wounds. One finally triumphs over the other when Straight decides to reconcile with an estranged brother two states away, who appears, as-who-else but longtime chum Harry Dean Stanton. Because of Straight’s decimated vision, the local Man tells him he can’t drive and god knows no All-American will be caught dead on a bus in those 49 states, so Straight hitches up a lawnmower from the local John Deere affiliate and off he goes, with longtime Lynch collaborator Angelo Badalamenti scoring this to an ambient take on that era’s popular The Oregon Trail 3rd Ed.-music. What follows is an epic Odyssian tale that offers Oscar-nominated real pain and real country patois. It was perfect for the comedown from the summer of Woodstock ’99, and it’s perfect for right now, the clouds gathering and you can see them far-off if you look, before another summer of infinite bleakness. – Andrew Karpan

The Virgin Suicides (directed by Sophia Coppola)

Sofia Coppola is known for her vested interest in girlhood and female experiences, and she’s been committed to this since her debut film in 1999. The film is haunting and achingly beautiful in its depiction of the events that led up to the Lisbon sisters taking their own lives, all before they turned eighteen. It is intimate and empathetic, characteristics that Coppola frequently employs well, but unlike her other films that take the perspectives of her characters as they grapple with loss and disillusionment, The Virgin Suicides never fully breaks through to the Lisbon sisters, leaving them as mysteries without answers, asserting how difficult it is to know each other but how important it is that we try to. Every time I revisit the film I find a new detail that reminds me how much I love Coppola as a filmmaker and how grateful I am for her work. – Anna Swanson

The post Better Late Than Never: 19 Must-See Movies from 1999 appeared first on Film School Rejects.

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[sarahburness]

Sensitivity Means Passion, Not Weakness

“The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make unlovable, undesirable, or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. “ ~Daniell Koepke

A while back, during one of my therapy sessions, I became acquainted with the word “dysthymia.”

I was puzzled at first, but as my therapist dug deeper into the subject, I realized that complex-sounding term was, in fact, a birth name to the grizzly monster that has been shadowing me for years. It’s more commonly known as persistent depressive disorder.

I can’t exactly remember the onset of an extended period when I felt lower than usual. It might have sneaked in unnoticed in my early teens and grown out of proportion since then. It might have been born with me. I have no idea.

All I know is, I’ve had a pervading sense of hopelessness long enough to convince myself that something was wrong. It’s only natural for a child to feel threatened by the world around them. At least that’s how I felt, day in and day out.

I was told it would only be a matter of time until I grew out of it and became a self-assured woman. Well, I’m twenty years old and this day has never come, and I’ll tell you, the old times were paradise. I was lucky to have my parents’ back in every situation, and the thought of loosening my grip on their protection with the passing years was a scary prospect.

Inevitably, I grew up and things didn’t get any easier.

My generalized fear mingled with an endless hunt for the meaning behind words, people’s actions, and even life itself. The existential nature of these questions made it impossible for me to get concrete answers, which overloaded my brain with the untold possibilities, thus fueling an anxiety disorder.

Being an avid gobbler of pills and a depression sufferer herself, my mother suggested that I went to a psychiatrist. As expected, at sixteen I left the doctor’s office with an antidepressant prescription in hand, as I doubted both my sanity and worth.

In a different session, I can recall my therapist drawing a chart of sorts, in order to illustrate my situation: she traced three parallel horizontal lines and named them “euphoria,” “neutrality,” and “depression,” from top to bottom.

She then drew a squiggly line with stable highs and lows, yet mostly focused in the area between depression and neutrality. What that means is I’m bound to feel down most days, with the occasional bout of gloom and/or cheerfulness, depending on the situation. The mood sways aren’t fickle; they’re usually curbed into the same spectrum, but still, sometimes I wish the ups would last longer.

“Don’t worry, that is very common in highly sensitive people,” she said to me. “Now that you’ve named that feeling, it will become easier to deal with.”

At the time, that wasn’t helpful at all. Why did my personality have to be built this way? Would I have to deal with this for the rest of my life? That’s not what I came here for!

I developed an unhealthy habit of comparison, as I envied the life of every extroverted and confident person I knew, even if that meant scrolling through their social media pages (which, let’s face it, makes everyone seem at the top of their game on a daily basis).

For months on end I tried to stick to a fully positive lifestyle. Spoiler alert: I was doing it wrong. It took me a while to recognize that I didn’t have to be happy all the time nor rebuff my icky moments in exchange for a phony, dimmed spark of sunshine. I felt something was missing.

I was in denial. I was rejecting myself, whom I’ll have to spend the rest of my days with whether I want to or not. Little did I know, refusing who I was wouldn’t do anything for me; it would only hinder the process of acceptance.

All I had to do was skew my perspective, bit by bit. And I did, with the help of unexpected sources and events.

Sensitivity Means Passion

During a recent conversation with my brother, I came to the slow realization that I might have underrated what can prove itself to be a powerful attribute.

His girlfriend had broken up with him, and his devastation was painful to watch. However, his main objection was that he felt guilty for “feeling too much while she felt way less.” I could identify with him at that moment.

He would beat himself up and judge his past actions, wishing he could go back and suppress the excess emotion he poured into the relationship. Anyone who’s familiar with him would advise him to never change for a girl, and that the right one would see this supposed “defect” as a major quality.

Being his twin sister, of course we’d share some traits– besides in appearance. And that’s it: we feel too much. Too much of everything, whether it be the pain of a heartbreak or the delight of succeeding at something, for instance.

In discussing life’s matters, we’ve both agreed upon the fact that oftentimes we may be taken up entirely by emotion, to the point where even gazing at the stars opens our minds to an immensity of otherworldly interpretations. How amazing is that?

Besides, we’re eager seekers of beauty in the little things and lovers of kindness. That depth in our mindset is what allows us to express everything so thoroughly, especially through writing and other kinds of art.

What was supposed to be a wallowing session ended up giving us a different view of ourselves. Needless to say, we finished the conversation feeling way better than when we started it.

See It for What It Is: Just A Trait

About three years ago, something interesting came in the mail. One of my aunts resides in England, and she sends gifts every so often. This particular time, she had a special present for me.

It was a book, but not just any book. It was a self-help book called The Highly Sensitive Person, written by Dr. Elaine N. Aron. It had highlighted passages and comments scribbled all over it, as if Auntie wanted me to pay special attention to them.

I might have rolled my eyes at first, but that’s part of my proud nature. Also, never in my seventeen years had I read a self-help book, so I decided to give it a reluctant try in case she asked about it later and I had to whip off a review. I started reading, and to my surprise, it felt like staring at a mirror.

The book, first published in 1996, promotes the de-stigmatization around sensitive people, often mislabeled as weak, shy, and even antisocial, to name a few labels. It has offered me the best advice I’ve been given, from someone who has been through similar struggles.

It counts on interviews with hundreds of people like me—perhaps like you, too—who have offered their experience as HSPs. Their stories prove that we are not alone and that being sensitive makes us unique in our own ways; we just have to make an effort to see that amidst the haze of society telling us we’re somehow abnormal.

I can relate to my aunt on many levels, especially because we have strikingly similar personalities, which is always a recurrent topic during family reunions. At some point in her life she had the same doubts I do now—she felt unfitting and lost. She gets me, and she made sure I had that in mind by giving me that book.

“Think about the impact on you of not being the ideal for your culture. It has to affect you—not only how others have treated you but how you have come to treat yourself.” ~Elaine N. Aron. Ph. D.

For the first time in a while, I accepted my wholeness. I felt an overdue relief in being myself, comforted to know that being dysthymic and highly sensitive by no means indicates than I’m worse than everybody else.

I’m still coming to terms with my fragile essence. I haven’t left therapy or the medications, and I may need them for the rest of my life, who knows? Even so, in researching alternative ways to cope with my anxiety I stumbled across several posts that swore by meditation, so I decided to give it a shot—and it worked like magic!

I meditate for at least ten minutes daily, and the practice has helped diminish common anxious and depressive symptoms, such as a fast heartbeat and racing thoughts. This happens due to meditation’s scientifically suggested power to positively modify our brains—yes, it’s possible! If combined with consistent daily activities such as exercising or anything that sparks creativity, it becomes a strong healing method.

The good news is, my sensitivity has ceased to be a problem. Whenever it wants in, I won’t slam the door, I’ll just invite it in for a cup of coffee instead. Maybe acceptance is all it needs to rest cozy in my chest.

About Laila Resende

Laila is a Brazilian Portuguese/English student and full-time dreamer. She holds a deep passion for writing and aspires to make a difference to those who feel detached from this crazy, yet wonderful world we live in. You can find her blog at thoughtinventory.home.blog.

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[beverlyfdole]

It might seem paradoxical, but embracing “negative emotions” is vital for happiness

Happiness is obviously desirable.

But realistically, happiness is not possible all the time.

In fact, research suggests that to really experience happiness we need to be comfortable with … unhappiness!

Read on for more…

via Forbes by Margie Warrell

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be,” wrote Abraham Lincoln.

Let’s face it, if happiness was as achievable as simply deciding to be happy, there’d be a whole lot more happy people. Yet not only is happiness not something we can “just choose,” when we put pressure on ourselves to feel happy, it can inadvertently set us on a war path with ourselves. Which is why, adopting a mindset that embraces the “not so happy” emotions we can rise up within us is essential to living a happier life.

But what is happiness anyway? As Daniel Gilbert wrote in Stumbling on Happiness, “There is no simple formula for happiness.”  Certainly it is not a goal to achieve. Rather it’s the bi-product of living a wholehearted life — a life in which we allow ourselves to risk feeling the full spectrum of human emotion — disappointment, heartache, rejection, sadness, inadequacy — and to embrace our struggles and to accept our ourselves as the fallible “human becomings” that we are. We can help ourselves along in that process by doing more of what expands our capacity for all the experiences and emotions that life holds in store. Here are a few ideas based on both my own “hard-won wisdom” and the research by a growing legion of academics dedicated to getting beneath the superficial answers to the “how of happiness.”

Embrace life’s unpleasant emotions

Tal Ben-Shahar, author of Being Happy and creator of the most popular class in the history of Harvard University, has spent years researching happiness. In a conversation about his research for my podcast, he began by pointing out that there are only two types of people who don’t experience painful emotions. The first: psychopaths. The second: people who’ve died. His point (besides the obvious benefit of not falling in either category) is that painful emotions are part and parcel of life and when we deny, dismiss, numb or try to distract ourselves from feeling them fully – something many are highly adept at doing – we only perpetuate our pain and create unnecessary suffering…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE