#dad!sb

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

Piss Baby

Warnings: something that i've been thinking of, we all know he's not equipped to even take care of a baby boy, soldier boy freaking out, someone please help him, fluff

Words: 978

Summary: Soldier Boy's early days of figuring out how the fuck to be a 'girl dad'.

"Oh GOD DAMNIT!!" Soldier Boy yells and immediately hands the crying baby he'd been trying to comfort to his little son.

Homelander rolls his eyes and takes your tiny body with ease. Tenderly wiping the throw up from your pudgy chin, Homelander worries that someone as small and weak as you were would survive in the house with Soldier Boy. The man almost tossed you across the room when you pissed on him during a diaper change.

This was not what Soldier Boy signed up for. He continues to curse out Vogelbaum and Edgar and everyone for dumping this pissing, shitting, THING! He was supposed to be out stopping crime, not hastily washing baby vomit off of him for the fourth time that day.

Damn Vogelbaum for suggesting you would fair better in an actual home with your actual blood family than the way Homelander had been raised. It was all well and fine for him to grow up in a lab surrounded by scientist. But no. Vogelbaum stated that perhaps that was the problem, why Homelander tend to possess a vacant fake smile.

Why had they not adopted her out?

Soldier Boy wasn't cut out for raising babies. Raising Homelander was pushing it. Johann pushed Homelander into Soldier Boy's home when he was three years old. Well out of the newborn stage.

Returning to the nursery room, he finds Homelander rocking you in his arms. No screaming or crying or throwing up. You looked at peace in your older brother's arms. "How come with me she's always screaming her fucking head off?" He grumbles and plops down on the rocking chair. His son catches him muttering something about a 'fucking piss baby'.

Homelander pursed his lips, wanting to glare at his father but choosing instead to gaze down at your serene face. Your face was still wet from your own tears, but the stress lines were gone. He leans in to kiss your forehead before offering you once again to Soldier Boy.

Scowling, Soldier Boy tries to wave him off. "Nah. I've had enough of her."

"But Johann said she needs skin to skin contact-"

"Johann doesn't know shit. You do it if you think its so important."

"The dad has to do it." Homelander persists. "For bonding."

"For fucks sake. We've bonded enough already! Pretty sure I've never let a broad throw up all over me. And if I did at least she made up for it by-"

"DAD!"

That's enough to give Soldier Boy a pause. Homelander rarely called him 'dad' or 'father'.

His face was starting to redden, holding you closer to his chest. "YOU have to be the one to do this. She needs you more than she needs me. You're her dad. Whether you like it or not."

A flare of indignation has Soldier Boy rising to his feet. If you weren't in his arms, Homelander was certain Soldier boy would have smacked him across the face for such insubordination.

Defiantly, Homelander holds down his glare and gently shoves you into Soldier Boy's chest. Reluctantly, his hands securely hold you.

Homelander steps back and eyes his dad. "I have homework to finish." He turns on his heel and stomps out of the room.

"Fucking kid." Soldier Boy grumbles and sits back down in the rocking chair. Awkwardly he removes his shirt while juggling you in his arms, making sure your pathetic neck didn't snap. Removing your onesie and leaving you in your diaper, Soldier Boy carefully places you onto his chest like you're some kind of bomb.

"There. Happy now?" He watches your tiny fists grab at his chest hair before unclenching and moving to clumsily grip onto his bare skin. The contours of your face scrunch and he fears for a moment that you're about to cry again.

You settle though and Soldier Boy is able to relax his tense muscles. He leans his head back and closes his eyes. Fatherhood had been a cruel bitch to him so far. There were nights where he was tempted to put your crib outside. Homelander was a much better father figure.

Then he felt it.

Your little heartbeat thumping against his chest, almost matching the own rhythm of his cardiac muscle.

He cracks open an eye to look down at you. Your head was still misshapen (something Vogelbaum said was normal with newborns) and squishy looking, but he supposed you were getting cuter. Soldier Boy opens his other eye to really get a good look at his offspring.

When you let out a soft coo, something in his brain chemistry just. . . snapped into place.

Were babies always this small?

You were too small, right? Small and weak and needing of protection.

His protection.

Sitting up a bit more, he lays a tentative hand on your back. You make that cute noise again that has his wretched heart melting. Right now it was just the two of you in that yellow painted room.

Soldier Boy and his little girl.

His throat constricts at that thought. His little girl.

You weren't what he wanted. But. . . He couldn't deny the tender song his heart started to beat to when he gazed down at you. Soldier Boy hated everything about you and fatherhood. You were messy and annoying and ruined what 'dates' he could bring to the house. He didn't know how Countess and the others found you 'utterly adorable'. Even fucking Noir held you with ease without you crying or vomiting.

Now he saw it.

You were his cute daughter. His cute, messy and annoying daughter that he would fucking die for. And there wasn't much Soldier Boy would willingly die for.

"I'll even kill for 'ya, kid." Soldier Boy smiles to himself. "Just tell me who and I'll do it. No questions asked."

You gurgle and it makes his smile widen.

His little piss baby.

[mellomadness]

psycho furry Vanny dump 🐰

[puppetlefty]

Accidentally made the bi flag.. or was it an accident?… no, it was. Anyway more AU art while I’m sick in bed

[quackysmackk]

To Cassie’s dad: are you surprised that Fazbears lasted this long? No matter the atrocities, they get back up and continue to exploit people.

Asked by @lbscr106

I’m getting back to answering all the asks! So I’m sorry if once’s you asked months ago are being answered sooooo late 🥲

[dykevanny]

from every voice, the same question rings:

[natewithacake]

Doodled freddy making pancakes per my friends request also no i didnt totally forget his shoulder blades, theyre removable.. yeah that makes sense

[starry-bi-sky]

more incorrect quotes for the stillborn danyal au - dpxdc

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Student: so like,, *gesturing to Plasmius* is he like,,, your dad or...?? Phantom: he would be if he wasn't such a BITCH Plasmius: excuse me Phantom: YOU HEARD ME

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Under the Bleachers: Danny and Dash smoking in solidarity Dash: Danny: Dash: do you have notes from Lancer's class today Danny: since when do I ever have notes from Lancer's class Danny: I can ask Tucker but only if you have notes from Abernathy's class Dash: deal

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Sam and Tucker: *making s'mores with Danny's lava hair* Danny, as Phantom: >:I Sam: you're just mad because you didn't think of it first Danny: yEAH

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Danny, freshly ghosted: .... Danny: well. at least i dont need to waste money on lighters anymore

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Tucker: with how long your hair gets we may just have to start calling you rapunzel Danny: don't you dare Sam: rapunzel, rapunzel, let down your lava hair Danny: NO

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Danny's hair tie breaks in the middle of a fight Danny: fuck Skulker: language child Danny, pushing lava bangs out of his face: fuck you! just for this im turning your suit into molten slag Skulker: waitholdonwecantALK--

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Danny: you know, by your logic Maddie is equally as guilty for abandoning you as Jack. She also never visited you while you were in the hospital. Vlad, had put his infatuation with Maddie aside but still kinda had feelings for her: Vlad: you're right Danny, not used to an adult agreeing with him: I-- huh, I am? Vlad: yes. If Dr. Walker had cared about me -- even if only as a friend, she would have tried to remain in contact with me. But she didn't. She is also as equally guilty for the accident that took your life too since she also failed to properly check over the portal for flaws and any improper wiring. Danny: wait- wait, i mean-- Vlad: this means only one thing Danny, bewildered: ??? Vlad, extinguishing all lingering feelings: I have to kill her too (somehow) Danny: nO.

[spoopy-arcade]

Uhh Cassie's dad ig??? + some doodles

[petitesmafia]

sometimes I think about how Chuuya’s life would’ve been like if he went with Murase and was adopted by him. I definitely think he'd end up going to school and I’m just picturing his old enemies seeing him as a regular student and being like “is that gravity manipulator NAKAHARA CHUUYA?!”

Chuuya getting labelled as a delinquent partially bc he acts like one but mostly bc almost every day there’s strange ppl lurking outside the school gates scoping him out...but then quaking when Chuuya strolls out and hits them with the side eye (he’s still got it)

occasionally old bitter nemeses that Chuuya had previously defeated will come disturb his peace and try to pick a fight bc they think he’s gone soft from living a “normal” life but they find out very very quickly that’s not the case at all. Chuuya never slacks (he's an all-around student athlete now).

a group of enemies, ambushing Chuuya on his way home from practice: we finally got u Chuuya: Chuuya, smirking: enemies: …??? Chuuya, throwing his duffel bag down and cracking his neck: this is great I haven’t had a good warmup in ages enemies: enemies: oh…oh no…?? [afterwards] enemies, knocked out in a pile: Chuuya, dusting himself off: thanks guys I really needed that! been feeling a bit stiff recently but I feel much better now

Murase always gets worried whenever something like this happens even tho he knows Chuuya’s more than capable of handling himself...once Chuuya asked why Murase was making such a big deal over it and Murase was like “bc you're my son? ofc I’ll worry” and Chuuya shut up immediately

[tharkflark1]

@moralitas and @solar-socks wanted them yesterday so here

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

Reblogging cuz Dad!SB & bigbro!HL are just the funniest he’s 😂😂

Soldier Boy is the type of dad that will get drunk way too frequently, asks you to hide his weed stash, gets drunk and high with you, beats up your school bully then their dad, asks to borrow specifically $2.50, forgets your bday only to turn around and give you a teddy bear from the gas station months later, and fucks your teachers and the only upside to that is that your grades are always perfect

oh my god 😂😂😂 these are so perfect

and imagine if Soldier Boy raised BOTH you and Homelander

though I imagine him to be the type of dad that would treat his son horrendously to 'toughen him up' (a la Butcher's dad) 😬

SB would definitely beat up your bully in a public setting and not give a damn.

"Hold my beer, hunny. I'ma deal with this little fucker right here right now."

"Dad please don't, people are watching!!"

He's a pretty shit dad, but he does have his perks. At least you have a guard dog dad who will honestly beat up anyone you ask him to, no questions asked

And you bet you keep that gas station teddy for the rest of your life

why is SB constantly asking both his kids for money so funny?? 🤣

You get incredibly uncomfortable when your dad is around your teachers because they make it so obvious

"Oh my god can you please keep it in your pants until I leave???"

He also wouldn't have good hiding places for his porno

You and Homelander have seen way too many naked ladies for a lifetime

doesn't mind you getting into his alcohol/weed stash as long as you leave him some

"As long as you do it at home. Don't want anyone calling me a shitty parent."

Cue you and Homelander:

[dasketcherz]

✨ father and son moment ✨

[puppetlefty]

Oh my god I didn’t die? No I went to college and I’m busy. Another comic…

[rayshorror]

fnaf security breach

drew them real quick.....how dare they deny frebby his hubby

[quackysmackk]

Part 62!

Thank goodness for upgrades.

Part 61 | Part 63

Start from the beginning -> Here!

[dykevanny]

Vanny and her fucked up daddy issues strike again …