#cw fentanyl

[raspberryply]

opioid crisis this and fentanyl crisis that. where was all this blasted fentanyl when I was trying to kill myself huh? “DEA seized enough fentanyl to kill everyone in the US” okay. where was that when I was 14 trying to kill ME? going out on painkillers was my IDEAL way to die and I never got any of this

[yiffos-official]

(this whole post is /gen and /nm, apologies if my tone comes across wrong! im genuinely not trying to be condescending or an asshole, but instead respond in earnest to explain why absolutist abstinence is not the way to curb drug use, and that harm reduction is the thing that people need to fight for. CW I do mention and somewhat discuss some drug use, specifically opioids, benzodiazapines, meth, psychedelics, and alcohol addiction.)

coming from a (somewhat) recovering polyaddict: i get what ur going for with this post and i feel 4 u and whichever reasons you have behind it, but i think the message is old dare rhetoric with some very black and white thinking that can be counter-productive for the goal you are trying to achieve.

every point you have made sits in this grey middle ground of "technically true if you think too hard about it":

All drugs can kill, even the weed people are shitposting about in the notes. but, honestly, barely any of them are in a overdosing-on-fentanyl insta-death thing. the vast majority of things are deadly basically only when combined with other drugs, or when you have medical conditions that will be exacerbated by whatever substance you're using. weed is the big meme in this regards, AFAIK there has only been 1 death definitively attributed to its use IIRC, which came down to a plethora of external factors like health conditions, and that's with more asterisks than i can fathom.

"all drugs contain unclean substances" again, yeah? but that's down to the fact that the real world is not black and white. your prescribed medications' API (active pharmaceutical ingredient, ie the actual medication) is not going to be 100% pure. the legal requirement probably varies dramatically based on a bunch of shit, but you're generally looking at around 98% purity of the bulk API. It is actually easier for narcotic manufacturers to attain a higher purity if they try to, simply because synthesizing chemicals on an industrial scale is fucking DIFFICULT, and lab/pilot scale is significantly easier.

obviously, adulterated drugs exist and are the issue. Fentanyl (and analogues) and nitazenes contaminating opioids or benzos are massive problems killing horrifying numbers of people in the us & canada especially. meth contamination is a big issue with MDMA, NBOMEs sold as acid, or even sprayed weed (not necessarily with spice, but its been a thing in the past to spray sugar water on your nug to make it weigh more and feel stickier).

"all drugs are addictive". well, yes. anything can be addictive. exercise is addictive, and can lead to very dangerous health problems. that's not to downplay the addictiveness of drugs, they are for sure much more addictive, it's just that on its own its a moot point. Everyone knows that drugs are addictive, but there are a plethora of reasons why someone might disregard that knowledge.

-------

every one of these points is better managed through harm reduction. all drugs can kill? there should be a well signposted way for someone using a substance to know the ways in which they can and will kill^1. if someone knows that mixing xanax and dilaudid is incredibly dangerous, it will help them be safer if they do choose to use that combination. Additionally, free narcan is a thing that exists in pretty much all of the US and canada from my understanding. IIRC in the US it's legal for anyone to carry narcan even if they wont need it themselves, which you should do if possible (i know that this isnt legal in the UK. if you live in the UK, there are ways you can try to change this!). narcan can reverse an opioid overdose, at least until paramedics arrive, who can then administer the correct narcan dose for the duration needed to ensure the dose has been cleared from the patient's system.

adulterated or fake drugs can *VERY* easily be tested at home, for VERY cheap. a lot of governments or charities will even provide these test kits for free to vulnerable people. there are reagent test kits, where you put a drop of multiple tests on your substance, and the color will change depending on what is in it^2. there are fentanyl or nitazene test strips (from the above linked list) that can detect specifically fentanyl or nitazene (or whatever) contamination^3. if you test your shit, you can make a correctly informed decision. there are even many companies that will let you send a sample of your drugs to them to be tested in a lab using NMR! these will also generally have stalls at festivals that will test your drugs, no questions asked.

in terms of addiction: harm reduction is an especially important subject here. The MOST important thing to help people is to provide community and safe places to discuss this topic in. if a person can very easily go "hey, is it a red flag if i think about drinking all day, every day, until i get off work? even if i only drink once a week?", it can provide an invaluable "yes. check in on yourself, that sounds like you might be getting addicted to alcohol" to a person before they get a lot deeper in addiction.

-------

these are some very surface level ideas within the harm reduction umbrella, but they are vastly more effective at saving lives than a message of abstinence. people do drugs, no matter how hard you try to stop them. but we can make sure that they don't die when they do use said drugs.

it's the black and white thinking of total-abstinence only based education that is its downfall. if every drug will kill you, why stop at alcohol? why not smoke some heroin and eat a few xanax bars? if the second you put your toe over the line of drug use you have already hit "rock bottom", what is there to lose? you have been told you cant get any lower. this mindset brings on a very doomer-esque pattern of thinking that makes it MUCH harder to pull yourself out of the hole.

-------

I do want to touch on that last parenthesis a bit, and ask you (and other people who read this) a question:

why, in particular, does alcohol get a pass to you?

the answer is probably going to be that it's socially acceptable, and seen as something you do for celebration. (aside from religious/cultural reasons) that's all that makes drinking alcohol something less demonized than, say, chowing down on some mushrooms and staring in bewilderment at fish at the aquarium. Alcohol is for sure worse for your body and also more immediately physically dangerous than something like mushrooms^5, so why should it specifically get a pass?

-------

the better message is "dont be wreckless about doing drugs". If you make an educated decision to try some acid, it's whatever. that's your choice, just make sure its an educated choice; in the exact same way that having a pint of bud light at applebees after a long day at work and ubering home is an educated choice.

honestly, yes. don't do drugs. They can be dangerous even with good harm reduction practice. but this concept is so bogged-down by social/cultural nuances of "what is a drug" that it is INCREDIBLY difficult to actually portray what you mean when you say "dont do drugs" that it's never really going to be an effective message on its own.

-----

notes:

^1: i linked psychonaut wiki as it's very comprehensive, but it has had some controversy. a trans-ran alternative is substance search, however it is less complete than psychonaut wiki. tripsit is another alternative.

^2: reagent testing does have pitfalls, such as if there are multiple substances it can become hard to identify them, hence the latter point of specific adulterant tests. reagent tests are best when ensuring that the drug you bought is actually the one you want, and not entirely fake.

^3: as mentioned above, these will test specifically for the presence of an adulterant. if you are using these: read the friendly manual.

^4: i deleted the paragraph with 4 in it sorry

^5: sorry for wookposting on main. it will not happen again.

^bonus: policing et al are major issues that are explicitly contributing to needless human suffering. im not getting into this in this post, but i felt that mentioning it somewhere was important.

please dont do drugs. im gonna try n say this in a different way than the drug ed ppl do at schools cause i know that shit doesnt work well.

Im gonna preface this by saying that I dont do drugs. I never have, I never plan to, no matter how dire my situation is. So if you say "but you dont understand how hard it is to quit [insert drug here]!", youre right. I dont. But I DO understand how hard it is to quit harmful addictive things.

This is not about your social image. I'm not telling you to not do drugs because it 'looks gross' or 'smells bad' (even if it does, but thats not the point).

My main point is the physical AND emotional impact it has on you and those around you.

PHYSICAL

ALL drugs can and will kill. There is no such thing as a safe drug, or a safe amount of a drug. Some drugs are less dangerous than others, but they still impact your body just as badly (even if over a long period of time).

ALL drugs contain unclean substances. There is no such thing as a 'pure' or 'clean' drug. You have to always assume that whatever drug is being offered to you, or whatever drug you are consuming, has deadly chemicals in it. Because it does.

ALL drugs are addictive. This includes things like alcohol, caffeine, etc. Using a drug once makes it easier to become addicted the next time you use it, and the addiction chance + severity will rise with every use.

Don't smoke, don't vape, don't use any form of marijuana, don't drink (unless it's alcohol on very special occasion every once in a while), don't inject, don't patch, don't snort/snuff, don't pop pills.

I mean it.

[reasonsforhope]

"For the first time in decades, public health data shows a sudden and hopeful drop in drug overdose deaths across the U.S.

"This is exciting," said Dr. Nora Volkow, head of the National Institute On Drug Abuse [NIDA], the federal laboratory charged with studying addiction. "This looks real. This looks very, very real."

National surveys compiled by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention already show an unprecedented decline in drug deaths of roughly 10.6 percent. That's a huge reversal from recent years when fatal overdoses regularly increased by double-digit percentages.

Some researchers believe the data will show an even larger decline in drug deaths when federal surveys are updated to reflect improvements being seen at the state level, especially in the eastern U.S.

"In the states that have the most rapid data collection systems, we’re seeing declines of twenty percent, thirty percent," said Dr. Nabarun Dasgupta, an expert on street drugs at the University of North Carolina.

According to Dasgupta's analysis, which has sparked discussion among addiction and drug policy experts, the drop in state-level mortality numbers corresponds with similar steep declines in emergency room visits linked to overdoses.

Dasgupta was one of the first researchers to detect the trend. He believes the national decline in street drug deaths is now at least 15 percent and could mean as many as 20,000 fewer fatalities per year.

"Today, I have so much hope"

After years of wrenching drug deaths that seemed all but unstoppable, some researchers, front-line addiction workers, members of law enforcement, and people using street drugs voiced caution about the apparent trend.

Roughly 100,000 deaths are still occurring per year. Street drug cocktails including fentanyl, methamphetamines, xylazine and other synthetic chemicals are more poisonous than ever.

"I think we have to be careful when we get optimistic and see a slight drop in overdose deaths," said Dan Salter, who heads a federal drug interdiction program in the Atlanta-Carolinas region. "The last thing we want to do is spike the ball."

But most public health experts and some people living with addiction told NPR they believe catastrophic increases in drug deaths, which began in 2019, have ended, at least for now. Many said a widespread, meaningful shift appears underway.

"Some of us have learned to deal with the overdoses a lot better," said Kevin Donaldson, who uses fentanyl and xylazine on the street in Burlington, Vermont.

According to Donaldson, many people using fentanyl now carry naloxone, a medication that reverses most opioid overdoses. He said his friends also use street drugs with others nearby, ready to offer aid and support when overdoses occur.

He believes these changes - a response to the increasingly toxic street drug supply - mean more people like himself are surviving.

"For a while we were hearing about [drug deaths] every other day. When was the last one we heard about? Maybe two weeks ago? That's pretty few and far between," he said.

His experience is reflected in data from the Vermont Department of Health, which shows a 22 percent decline in drug deaths in 2024.

"The trends are definitely positive," said Dr. Keith Humphreys, a nationally respected drug policy researcher at Stanford University. "This is going to be the best year we've had since all of this started."

"A year ago when overdose deaths continued to rise, I was really struggling with hope," said Brad Finegood, who directs the overdose crisis response in Seattle.

Deaths in King County, Washington, linked to all drugs have dropped by 15 percent in the first half of 2024. Fatal overdoses caused by street fentanyl have dropped by 20 percent.

"Today, I have so much hope," Finegood said.

-via NPR, September 18, 2024. Article continues below with an exploration of the whys (mostly unknown) and some absolutely fucking incredible statistics.

Why the sudden and hopeful shift? Most experts say it's a mystery

While many people offered theories about why the drop in deaths is happening at unprecedented speed, most experts agreed that the data doesn't yet provide clear answers.

Some pointed to rapid improvements in the availability and affordability of medical treatments for fentanyl addiction. "Expansion of naloxone and medications for opioid use disorder — these strategies worked," said Dr. Volkow at NIDA.

"We've almost tripled the amount of naloxone out in the community," said Finegood. He noted that one survey in the Seattle area found 85 percent of high-risk drug users now carry the overdose-reversal medication.

Dr. Rahul Gupta, the White House drug czar, said the drop in drug deaths shows a path forward.

"This is the largest decrease on record and the fifth consecutive month of recorded decreases," he said.

Gupta called for more funding for addiction treatment and healthcare services, especially in Black and Native American communities where overdose deaths remain catastrophically high.

"There is no way we're going to beat this epidemic by not focusing on communities that are often marginalized, underserved and communities of color," Gupta said.

"Overdose deaths in Ohio are down 31 percent"

Indeed, in many states in the eastern and central U.S. where improvements are largest, the sudden drop in drug deaths stunned some observers who lived through the darkest days of the fentanyl overdose crisis.

"This year overdose deaths [in Ohio] are down 31 percent," said Dennis Couchon, a harm reduction activist. "The deaths were just plummeting. The data has never moved like this."

"While the mortality data for 2024 is incomplete and subject to change, Ohio is now in the ninth consecutive month of a historic and unexpected drop in overdose deaths," said the organization Harm Reduction Ohio in a statement.

Missouri is seeing a similar trend that appears to be accelerating. After dropping by 10 percent last year, preliminary data shows drug deaths in the state have now fallen roughly 34 percent in the second quarter of 2024.

"It absolutely seems things are going in the right direction, and it's something we should feel pleased about," said Dr. Rachel Winograd, director of addiction science at the University of Missouri St. Louis, who also noted that drug deaths remain too high.

"It feels wonderful and great," said Dr. Mark Levine, head of the Vermont Health Department. "We need encouraging data like this and it will help sustain all of us who are actively involved in trying to have an impact here."

Levine, too, said there's still "plenty of work left to do."" ...

Dasgupta, the researcher at the University of North Carolina, agreed more needs to be done to help people in addiction recover when they're ready.

But he said keeping more people alive is a crucial first step that seemed impossible only a year ago.

"A fifteen or twenty percent [drop in deaths] is a really big number, an enormous impact," he said, calling for more research to determine how to keep the trend going.

"If interventions are what's driving this decline, then let's double down on those interventions."

-article via NPR, September 18, 2024

[wokstarslush]

[ractna]

Ace Attorney : “Atroquinine is a man-made poison lethal at 0.002 mg”

Me, out loud in a public setting: Oh my god It’s fentanyl

[grimesapologist]

"I've always thought of ketamine as, you know- people desiring to dissociate reminds me so much of them just trying to mimic, like, digital life basically, it's like you're so used to seeing yourself reflected back to you that you can only feel sane when you're doing that, even in a social setting like a party, which is sort of a really upsetting thing to think about.

Fentanyl, I mean there's just no other way to look at it other than complete and total death drive- like it feels like the death rattle of society {...} It's literally an end-of-life drug, that's what it's used for primarily, fentanyl, is used to manage people's pain as they're dying. {…} This isn't like, 60's acid, 'lets all expand our minds and fucking, trip and think about what the world could be, what can the world show me' this is like, 'I need someone fucking to help me die.'"

Liz Franczak, TrueAnon Episode 240: The Fenty Fainties

[mojoflower]

Update

Good morning, y'all. I know I've been gone a lot lately, but I'll be back soonish, I swear. I've been fostering kittens (I have so many pictures!) and getting both sons graduated and one moved to the U.K. and wading through teenagers and nieces.

Speaking of nieces, I'll update you on them shortly, and want to thank you so much for your donations to their fundraiser. Over a year later, things are FINALLY settled.

There's been some more trauma in my family. My cousin Lacee just had double kidney failure: she's only 32, and now she's on dialysis 3x/week. AND, this is so fucking tragic, I can't get over it... Halle, her younger sister (28) died on Saturday. (Fentanyl, maybe, no one knows for sure, yet.) I changed these girls' diapers. This is so unfair.

If you've got a little extra, Lacee's friend made a GoFundMe for her to get through the next few months and pay hospital bills.  She’s a waitress/bartender, so you can infer what you will about her insurance and savings.

We're all going to a funeral tomorrow for someone who was FAR too young to die. I'm so angry about it.

Thank goodness for kittens in these hard times, huh?

*Please, please be careful of anything that might be laced with fentanyl, y'all. Many people never even know they're ingesting it, and then just... don't wake up. My nieces' father works at a funeral home, and says they get too many young bodies there because of that.*

Here's Lacee carrying my train at my wedding waaaay back in '98 (25 years this year!). And below that is little Halle, who was a very serious flower girl indeed. I love these girls. Have I said I'm angry. I'm so enraged. And heartbroken. Life shouldn't be this hard, and I'm going to compose a stern letter to The Management to complain about it.

[tranquilsanatorium]

My youtube recommendations never fail to amaze me. Like yes let me fall asleep listening to a dude tapping on sedatives.

[playadre187]

🪬✨✨✨✨🪬✨✨✨✨✨🪬

★high ass fuck★

★feeling stuck★

★double bowl★

🌜(((G & BLUE)))🌛

★I SMOKE KOOL★

★down with tha shit★

★Called 187 KILLA TRIX★

🪬✨✨✨✨🪬✨✨✨✨✨🪬

thinking on da final level maayne

_MOS.DOS.GODMODE_ THRU DA MATRIX

GETTING MOST HIGH✨🪬✨MOST FLY

IAM DA PLAYA DRE DAT DONT CRY

BEEN THERE🪬DONE THAT

why should i tear upp just becuz u died

soOoo many tearz ive done upp

that iam dryyyed up inside 2never sighh why

when life is full of death & life itz inedible 2Die

🪬✨✨✨✨✨✨✨🪬✨✨✨✨✨✨🪬

MIGHT AS WELL LIVE & LET DIE

ON DA DOUBLE EDGED SWORD

I GET FUXIING HIGH 2NEVER KILL IT

AND I'LL TELL U WHY KNICCA

GOD WANTZ U TO BE MOST HIGH

PLACED RIGHT BESIDE LIFE WITH HIS MIND

🪬✨✨✨✨✨🪬✨✨✨✨✨✨🪬

✨🪬✨SOO NEVER CRY ¡!¡WHY¡!¡✨🪬✨

🪬✨✨ WHEN DEATH IS IN OUR EYEZ✨✨🪬

EVENTUALLY IT WILL BE URE TIME

2BE PLACED MOST HIGH BUT I DO IT NOW

❗❗❗❗❗❗I DO IT THEN ❗❗❗❗❗❗

& I FUCKING SMOKE 4THA FUTURE

2FORGIVE ALL THOSE WHO SAY THEY {{SIN}}

❗❗❗❗❗WHEN DRUGZ ❗❗❗❗❗

💥AINT A COMMANDMENT 2BREAK💥

COME IN HATE ON ME 4KARMA IS NIRVANA

🔥🔥🔥🔥DAT THA GODDESS"S🔥🔥🔥🔥

🌟🌟🌟 GET HIGH OFF OF KNICCA🌟🌟🌟

👾👾👾BLESS IT IS FREE TO BE ME👾👾👾

ANYBODY CAN SMOKE BLING DREAMS

🪬🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🪬PARADISE🪬🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🪬

ISNT TREASON BOTCH (iTZ TREASON)

🔞THAT OUR AUTHORITIES🔞

🔞 THAT WE TRUST🔞

OPPRESS US, HATE US, DETAIN US, HURT US

(((4))) PLEASURING THA BRAIN ✨✨🪬✨✨

ON CONTROLED SUBSTANCES WE CREATED

🪬✨✨✨✨✨✨🪬✨✨✨✨✨✨✨🪬

[agronian]

yes, this dragon smokes meth and fentanyl multiple times a day.....

hashtag DEAL WITH IT >:3c hyeheyeheheh

*blows a huuuuuge smoke ring*

how is everyone doing on this fiiiiine, fine, 2am?

im.... im lonely..... bah.

[patchymoon]

theres someone faking an overdose in a discord server i moderate and only the server owner is taking it seriously while i and a bunch of others are doing dumb shit like this

[reasonsforhope]

“Wanting to see if a simple idea could help a huge problem, researchers from Cincinnati filled a vending machine with overdose prevention equipment and began to record its uses.

From February to November in 2021, an anonymous call center registered 637 people for the program with an access code to the vending machine which distributed 3,360 naloxone doses and 10,155 fentanyl test strips.

Taking place in Hamilton County, the machine is credited for a reduction in drug overdose deaths and HIV incidence.

Lead scientist Daniel Arendt described the method as “harm reduction,” which acknowledges that people always have, and probably always will, use drugs even if they’re potentially lethal in large doses.

Harm reduction, as the University of Cininnati press describes, is a paradigm that “does not support or enable drug use, but instead aims to empathetically meet people where they are in the course of their drug use and help empower them to take steps which minimize the potential hazards associated with its use.”

To this end, program participants were able to visit the vending machine 24/7, away from prying eyes and judgemental glances. Naloxone is a drug that can counteract opioid overdoses, and the test strips can test heavier drugs that could potentially be laced with fentanyl. The machine also has safer injection kits, tourniquets, and bandages.

“If you are interested in stopping, we’re here to help,” said Arendt. “But if not, we aren’t going to turn you away and refuse to help. We are going to work with you and help you take steps that will help keep you safe.”

Some of the results are extremely encouraging. At the time the study was published, clients reported 288 overdoses were reversed with naloxone, a number which almost reached 1,000 by the time of writing. More than two-thirds of those who reenrolled after their first enrollment detected fentanyl present in the drugs they were consuming.” -via Good News Network, 12/8/22

[wokstarslush]

I desperately need some fentanyl right now

[samoanguythatslams]

Decided to give Tumblr a try because I have been always fascinated by how much of a community there is on this side of Tumblr...anyways here's my first post of what my hubby considers the "The Holy Grail of Opiates" 😅

Helped the hubby get these off the onion a while ago, mind you he is in his 40's so he was pretty much living through the prime oxy times before they made them so they would gel up to prevent people from sniffing em.

When I say old-school I mean he still has his shirt that has hundreds of blue/green stains and burn holes riddles everywhere (IYKYK) 🤭

I have never seen such an ecstatic reaction when he came home after a long day of work, basically was on his knees crying tears of joy 😆

[svndrenched]

hey. i had a small surgical procedure today, so things are a little.. painkiller-y. probably not tomorrow, but the day after, things should be back to normal around here.

love you.

[lisenberry]

WIP Wednesday Thoughts        

Working title:  There’s smoke seeping out of your bloody teeth (but you’re home somehow)

(From 28 by Zach Bryan)

Recovering Price x Recovering Reader

A/N: I have way too many WIPs at the moment, but this one came out of nowhere and I’m wondering if there’s something more here.

It’s a little darker than my usual, but somehow rides the line of more fluff than angst if you can bear with me through the backstory.  I’m also seeing a trend where I love to paint Price as a complete mess and struggling with himself.  I just know he has some Big Repressed Feelings buried deep in that broad chest.  Like, the Captain takes care of everyone else on missions but needs more help than he lets on in the real world.

CW:  Accidental overdose, Addiction/Recovery, Alcoholics/Narcotics Anonymous, a whiff of PTSD, single parent/recovering addict Reader, written with afab/fem reader in mind, but it came out fairly neutral. Overall heavy subject matter, but with some hope/humor to follow.

John fucked up.  He knows it, Kyle knows it.  And now Kate does, too.

He’d promised his sergeant that he’d lay off the whiskey, but he didn’t tell him about the pills.  The oxys and the benzos.  And sometimes, when things got really bad and he got in a little too deep, the ketamine and fentanyl. 

It was pure luck that Kyle found him.  That he was worried enough to kick the door in, strong enough to pull him out of the bathtub, and quick enough to do CPR until the ambulance arrived with the Narcan. 

He hadn’t meant to end it.  His life, that is.  Just the never-ending pressure in his brain.  The headaches, the sensitivity to light, everything being so bloody fucking loud.  Two decades of explosions, gunshots, and crashes had racked up on him, each one a tithe to be repaid down the line.  And it seemed they’d all come due at once.

In the aftermath, Kate had paid him a visit when he’d been ready to check himself out of the hospital, and she’d given him a directive.  It wasn’t even an ultimatum.  There was no other choice. 

Get help.

She wasn’t kicking him off the team.  She wasn’t even putting a note in his file.  The military wouldn’t know, other than an extended personal leave signed off on by high enough names no one would question it.  A 30-day stay in a doctor-supervised substance abuse treatment facility, and another 60 days at home with weekly check-ins.

Who he told other than Garrick would be up to him.

He agreed, of course.  It was his last chance to get his shit together, maybe even more than he deserved.  The look on Kyle’s face when he regained consciousness would be ingrained on his brain for the rest of his life.

“I always thought it’d be Ghost.  Never you, Captain.”  It wasn’t disappointment that clouded the kid’s eyes with tears, but fear.  That it could happen to any of them if they weren’t careful.  That the danger didn’t end when they came home.

Price hadn’t asked for help, but he knew when to take it.

Which is how he met you...

He tried to attend four to five meetings a week.  They were usually at night, after dark, when the urge to settle into his chair with a bottle of scotch and a few extra Percocets was all he could think about.  When the distractions of the day faded and he was alone with himself. 

If he could hold the urge at bay long enough, in the company of others, even if he just sat and listened, then it would pass like a mad dog thrown a bone.  And then he could go home in peace, until the dog came back around again.

In the beginning, he jumped around to a new meeting each night.  There was St. Stephen’s, St. Giles in the Fields, St. George’s, the Salvation Army, and the Tenant’s Hall.  Some were for beginners, and others just for men.  He didn’t want to become familiar with any particular one, preferring instead to lean on the Anonymous side of the program.

He sipped his tea and ate his biscuits, all from the back row.  Quietly reflecting on the opening speaker, and the stories of hope and struggle that followed.  At first, he found it hard to relate.  Kids who got hooked on drugs in school to escape from abusive parents, or former gang members and dealers looking to buy their way out of poverty and the system that abandoned them.

He’d been born into money, went to good schools.  His demon didn’t come at him until later.  It had taken its time and made roots into an already established foundation.  Like a parasite, it didn’t take him young, or weak.  It took him when he was at his strongest and broke him down from the inside out.  He was already infected long before he saw the signs.

He had no one else to blame, and didn’t think he’d find much sympathy from telling his story.  He didn’t want it, anyway.  He just needed to get through his 60 days and be back on a mission again.

But then one Friday evening, he walked into your regular 7pm meeting in the basement of an old church and everything changed... 

It was the best around, because they had a small children’s area in the next room, with a library and a sweet old nun who would read books and watch the kids for free.  It had become a local favorite for parents without childcare, and the group had grown as close as a family. 

There were a few of you who took the snack duty very seriously.  There were no stale, day-old donuts or flavorless boxed biscuits.  Instead, the spread was enough to rival the set of the Great British Baking Show.  Cakes and puddings, shortbreads and tartes.  The coffee was freshly brewed, not the cheap instant granules.

It had made you very protective, still always a little wary of newcomers, as against the spirit of the program as that was.  It had become your safe space.  Where you brought your children, and shared your biggest regrets and darkest moments.  And mainly because, despite the progress you’d made in your recovery, you’d never fully be able to trust again.  To look at another person and not see a potential threat. 

Outside the church, you knew where the dealers stood waiting to find you on an off day.  Where the pimps lingered in the dark alleys ready to meet you when you were broke and desperate.  They were the obstacles you could see.  Like a video game level you’d failed so many times you could jump and duck and kick your way a little further with each respawn.  You already knew there was a bad guy waiting on the other side of that door and all the tricks to avoid him.

It was harder to tell with the quiet, six-and-a-half-foot tall, bearded man in the beanie hat and combat boots slumped in the back row.  He’d popped up about a week ago, and always arrived exactly five minutes early.  He'd wait patiently until the snack line died down and load his plate before sitting in the same seat, closest to the door.

He hadn’t shared with the group yet, but offered a few pleasant nods and greetings to anyone who’d initiated a conversation.  It seemed rude not to reach out, if for no other reason than to gauge his intentions for yourself.  Was he here because he was serious about his addiction, or was someone forcing him to come?  Some set number of days on his coin before he’d be free from his sentence and never be heard from again.

It didn’t matter, and it wasn’t any of your business.   

But that didn’t stop you from looking over at him a few times during your share, only to find him paying close attention.  His serious features unreadable. Enough to make you stumble on your words and lose your train of thought.  Everyone there knew your story already and could probably recite it for you.  It just helped to recount the good parts, along with the bad.

“Did you make these?” he asked afterward, a rumbling voice breaking through your thoughts as you sat in a folding chair sipping the last of your coffee. 

He held up a half-eaten salted caramel chocolate chip blondie.

“Yes, those are mine,” you answered with what you hoped was a polite smile.

“I thought I saw you bring them last time I was here.  Fucking delicious.”  He popped the rest of it into his mouth, catching the crumbs with his thick dark beard.  “But your hair’s different, isn’t it?” he added, once he’d swallowed his bite.

You reflexively raised a hand to your head, remembering with a laugh the events of your day.  You’d nearly forgotten the fiasco at work a few hours before.

“I work at a training salon.  I let the students experiment on it when there aren’t enough dolls.”  You didn’t have time to fix it before you had to pick up your kids from their afterschool program.

“It’s green.”

“Very green, yes.”  You found yourself smiling again.  Before that, it’d been black with purple tips.  “Who knows what color it will be next time.”  You stood and folded up your chair.

And tried not to read into it as he took it from you promptly and stacked it over with the others.

“Reason enough to come back and find out, then,” he called over his shoulder.

And you didn’t miss when he stopped to grab the last blondie on his way out.