#curse this perfectionism of mine

[kokii-omii]

ITS FINALLY FINISHED YIPPEE

[kraviolis]

i havent quite ironed out lilith & luz yet, but darius & luz...

i think he would have helped her get away from belos if she hadn't done it herself first

[starsomens]

i want to paint noah’s nails 🥺🥺🥺

(and ofc i’d love it if he painted mine. but like imagine the focus. he’s not half assing it. babe is biting his lip in concentration and peering down at your nails like,,, my mans doesn’t even blink 😃 you already know his perfectionism is fucking off the charts. he is absolutely taking his time, so precise. and inwardly he keeps having to remind himself to breathe 😭 his hands are a lil shaky the first couple times he does it for you, and he’s cursing left and right when he slips— it’s endearing really. “i don’t get how you can paint your own nails and get it so perfect.”

and he’s got hawk eyes on you until they’re dry because he absolutely knows you’d fuck them up otherwise. you’re making him nervous anytime you’re trying to do anything. i can’t tell you how many times i think i’m good and then catch my hand on a table while trying to still get shit done. i get so mad LMAO. he’d just butt in and be like just like wHy dOn’T yOu lEt mE dO tHat 🙃 whenever you’re making him nervous trying to grab a snack or something of the sort)

don’t worry about answering this right away babe, i get that you have other stuff going on <33 just wanted to drop these thoughts here before i could forget them :)) sending you a whole lotta love 🥰🫂

-🎞️🤎🪐

FINALLY I CAN ANSWER THIS

But I absolutely agree. This man is so critical when painting his nails or your nails have you seen how nice and neat they are when he paints them.???? literally will tell you not to move a muscle for a good hour. He’ll do everything else just avoid you messing up the nails and his hard work.

[thorns-in-daisy-fields]

I was messing with a poetry concept I was digging last night and came out with something totally different. It quickly grew into a story, and I really had fun with it. I'm nervous about posting it because it seems different than a lot of the writing I read, and I find myself worrying about what other people might think. I'm reminding myself that this is what my pen name is for. I created this little platform for myself so I could share my work with people. Even if it only resignates with one person, inspires one person, etc, I've already succeeded. The rest is water under the bridge... Yes, this paragraph is more for me than anyone else. The poem is bellow the cut

Every time life brings me 

to my knees,

I raise a glass

to the god

who made me.

-

I toast to The Sadist

who pulled me

out of clay

with his own two 

drunken hands

only-

and only-

to break me down

time 

and time 

again.

-

I toast:

cheers 

to my shame,

cheers 

to my suffering,

cheers 

to my struggle,

and cheers 

to my hopeless search

for redemption. 

May it sit like poison 

on your tongue,

so that your twisted addiction

may end.

-

-

To say I'm bitter

would be an understatement.

My creator's

obsession with tragedy 

has left me 

skinned up

between the covers

of dead men's books.

-

I want nothing more

than escape

but

he craves the sick

nostalgia

of tales

that came

long before mine,

so he sews seeds

of the past

into my soul,

so that my pain 

may bloom

into a garden 

of familiarity 

for his leisure.

-

-

Riddled with 

this curse of

noxious desire,

and 

desperation 

I've lept

out of that tower

with Icarus,

fully knowing 

my fate.

-

Riddled with 

this curse of

noxious desire,

and 

desperation 

I've followed 

in Orpheus'

footsteps

once 

or

thrice

all too aware

of what I'd still

lose

-

Riddled with 

this curse of

noxious desire,

and 

desperation

I've become so familiar

with moral perfectionism

and sacrifice 

that Jesus and Prometheus 

came to know

my name.

-

Yet 

while they learned

to recognize me,

I lost the ability to name

the person

looking back at me

in the mirror.

-

More days than not,

I feel more myth

than man,

like just another

poor fool

locked to their fate

because

this god of mine

is making a Legion

of me:

a Legion of fools and 

tragic heros. 

-

More days than not,

I'm more a scambled apparation

of these myths

than anything else. 

Who was I today? 

Who was I yesterday?

Who will I be

tomorrow?

- 

The answer is usually 

something like this:

IcarusOrpheuseuridicemedusajesusPrometheussisyphusAtlasachillispatroclusNobodyTooMuchToConceptualizeNotEnoughToRecognizeIdontevenknowtheirnameortheirnameortheirnameortheirnameortheirnameortheirnameortheirnameor---

-

-

-

-

The Sadist tells me 

these tears of blood,

are beautiful 

as he kicks back,

arrogant with satisfaction. 

-

He smirks

as he asks me

how many deaths

I'll have to die,

and how many ghosts

I'll have to meet

before 

I collect enough lessons

amungst the grief

to set myself free.

-

-

And once again,

life has brought me

to my knees,

so I raise a glass

to the god

who made me.

-

I toast to 

The Sadist

who pulled me

out of 

clay

with his own 

two 

drunken hands

only-

and only-

to break 

me 

down

time 

and 

time 

again.

-

I toast:

-

cheers 

-

to my shame,

-

cheers 

-

to my suffering,

-

cheers 

-

to my 

-

struggle,

-

and 

-

cheers 

-

to my 

-

hopeless 

-

search

-

for 

-

redemption. 

-

-

May it

- 

sit 

-

like 

-

poison 

-

on your 

-

tongue,

-

so that 

-

your

-

twisted 

-

addiction

-

-

-

-

may 

-

-

-

finally

-

-

end.

-

[vodika-vibes]

Because I can’t help myself. Requesting from Best Friends to Lovers prompts. With hesitant Darman. 🫠

“I can’t imagine being with anyone but you” with “I’ve wanted this forever”. Or two separate fics. I won’t mind if it’s two separate fics. 😉

You know you’re quickly becoming the unofficial official writer for our favorite Republic Commandos. ❤️

One More is Never Enough

Summary: Darman asks you on a date.

Pairing: Darman Skirata x Reader

Word Count: 763

Warnings: None

A/N: Sorry this took so long, my perfectionism kept telling me that what I was writing wasn't good enough. I think I'm happy with this one though. I think. I also haven't finished my coffee, so who knows. You said you were having a Time™️, so I hope this helps, at least a little.

Divider by Saradika

Of all of the things you hate most in the world, paperwork is the top of the pile. Followed closely by inventory and getting shots. Which is why you’re glowering at the towered stack of flimsy on your desk.

Just because you’re good at paperwork, doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to do the paperwork.

“Why?” You ask the room at large, not expecting an answer.

You flip through some of the flimsy, and your scowl deepens. Some of this paperwork doesn’t even belong to you.

“Ah, you’re back.” You jump when you hear Darman behind you, and you whirl around to glare at him, “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“What the hell is this?” You demand, gesturing at the desk and the stacked flimsy.

Darman glances at the paperwork, and he makes a face. “It was your supervisor's idea, not mine.” He replies immediately, “Everyone else is getting started on inventory, so they left their paperwork to you.”

Your jaw drops and you’re torn between screaming and cursing up a storm. 

Darman slowly, and hesitantly, places some more paperwork on your desk, “Sorry.” He says sheepishly as you turn a furious glare onto him, “In my defense, this is yours. It was left on the printer.”

You snatch the top piece of paper off the stack and glare at it, and then your shoulders slump. He’s right. Not only is he right, you’ve been looking for these documents for the better part of an hour.

“I don’t want to be here all night doing paperwork.” You whine, turning a petulant pout onto Darman as though he’ll help you. And you’re surprised when he averts his gaze and rubs the back of his neck.

“I mean…I can stay and help, if you want?” He offers, “Maybe…maybe after we get dinner though.”

You beam at him, “Darman Skirata! Are you asking me on a date?” You ask gleefully.

“Um…I mean, if you want…?” He offers in return, still not really looking at you.

“Of course I’d like to go on a date with you!” You reply, “I’ve wanted that forever!”

He blinks at you, “You have?”

And you sigh. “Apparently my flirting was a bit too subtle.”

“You were flirting with me? When?”

“Like, every day since they say we met?”

“...where was I when this was happening?” Darman asks.

“Apparently not there.” You counter, slightly sarcastically.

He laughs nervously, “Sorry, mesh’la. I guess it was just a little too subtle?”

“It’s alright. Apparently most people are really bad at recognizing flirting.” You admit as you finally drop the documents back on the table and hurry to his side. “So,” You say as you beam at him, “Where are we going for food?”

“There’s a little sandwich shop not far from here,” Darman offers, The food is good and cheap.”

“Good and cheap is my favorite!” You lightly wrap your hands around his arm and tug him out of the office. And he follows you willingly.

You don’t quite make it to the sandwich shop before Darman tugs you into a small alley, and lightly sets his hand on your shoulder. He looks nervous, but also determined.

“Darman?” You ask, as you look up at him. 

“I…um…” He pauses, as he tries to gather his thoughts, “I just wanted some time with you without having to deal with other people…or work.” Darman says slowly.

You smile up at him, soft and sweet and painfully fond. “You could have asked, darling.”

“I know. I just…I…” He shakes his head, and his hand moves from your shoulder to brush lightly against your cheek, “I can’t imagine being with anyone but you.” He whispers.

Your face heats with slightly flustered embarrassment, but you’re unable to look away from him. There’s something in his gaze that speaks of adoration and worship and your stomach flips with a nervous excitement. 

“Mesh’la,” His voice is a low rumble that causes shivers to run down your spine, “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.” You say, quickly enough that it would have been embarrassing if this was anyone other than Darman.

His smile is warm as he leans in and gently brushes his lips against yours. It’s not the deep, passionate kiss that you were expecting. But it was so tender that you couldn’t help but lean into him to try and get more. 

Darman’s hands settle on your hips, and you release a soft sigh, “Again?” You ask, your voice plaintive. 

His hands are warm against your cheeks, “As you wish,” He whispers as he leans in for a second kiss.

[17snifflesandsnzes]

Finally, here's the "running in the rain" fic! Hope you enjoy!

I Would Do It Again For You, Always

Dino pov:

Award show season was without a doubt the hardest time of the year due to multiple reasons. One of them being that we were almost always on tour during them. Another reason is that we had to choreograph a lot of new and distinct performances for all the award show stages as a lot of general kpop fans watch them. Which was why BSS and I were currently locked up in the practice room. Our managers and the company had decided to let BSS perform at the GDAs along with Seventeen and for a special surprise, I had decided to do the rap in Fighting. This had, however, made me have to practice a lot more than the other members since I had to write and practice my rap as well as practice for the concerts we were doing. So now that I was finally done, BSS had decided meet up on a rainy Saturday afternoon to settle on some choreography for the performance. It was safe to say that it hadn't been going so well. 

Everyone in Seventeen knew that Soonyoung had a lot of pride in his dancing and choreographing abilities as a main dancer. But it was also old news to everyone that Seungkwan was one of the most stubborn members of Seventeen. This, however, wasn't a good match on an afternoon where we were all tired out by our schedules but still wouldn't let our perfectionism go. Soonyoung hyung walked over to the speaker and paused the song. “Let's go again.” He told us, voice slightly louder than normal so that he could be heard over the rain. The sky outside had turned pitch black. Seungkwan groaned from his spot on the floor. “But we've already gotten this song down! Let's just move on to the other one.” Soonyoung hyung turned to him with a disapproving look. “This has to be perfect, Seungkwan-ah. Let's just do it one more time.” Seungkwan stood up reluctantly but got into his position anyway. When we all took our own positions, Soonyoung hyung turned on the song. After another full run-through of Fighting, Soonyoung went over and paused the song again. I caught his eye and immediately knew that he wasn't satisfied. I'd seen that look in his eyes and mine a lot whenever we practiced together. As Soonyoung turned to Seungkwan and Seokmin again, Seungkwan let out a yell of frustration. “Let's just move on, hyung! We're good at this song already and all of us are getting pretty tired. Could you let go of your perfectionism for today?!" Soonyoung hyung stilled at the words and I instantly knew they had rubbed him the wrong way. He looked Seungkwan in the eyes, his gaze sharp. “Boo Seungkwan, if you don't wanna put in the effort you can leave.” Sensing the tension between the two, I turned to Soonyoung hyung to try and talk him down but Seungkwan beat me to it. “Fine! I'll go! You'll probably be able to practice without me, anyway.” And with that he spun on his heel and promptly left the practice room. Seokmin hyung seemed to have realized the severity of the situation as he turned to Soonyoung hyung. “Hyung, why did you say that to him? And for such a petty reason!” Even though Seokmin hyung looked frustrated, he could probably tell that Soonyoung hyung regretted his words so he didn't say anything else. I went over to the window and when I looked out, I was met with an insane amount of rain. I turned to the other two. “Hyung! It's raining like crazy! I'm gonna go and make sure Seungkwan's alright.” Seokmin nodded immediately. “Sure, Channie. Make sure to stay safe yourself and-” I ran out the door as soon as I got his confirmation, not even waiting for him to finish. 

As I exited the building, I was drenched almost immediately. Cursing under my breath, I started walking in the vague direction of Seungkwan's apartment. The more I walked, the more I was drenched to the point that my clothes were basically transparent. I had also started shivering, the cold wind making chills run down my spine. I felt so fucking cold but I couldn't just let Seungkwan walk into the rain like that alone especially as it was all a misunderstanding. So even though I felt like my fingers were gonna fall off because of the freezing weather, I kept walking. When I was almost at the apartment complex, I saw Seungkwan standing outside the entryway. Heaving a huge sigh of relief, I called out to him. He turned around in shock, meeting me halfway and pulling me under his umbrella. “Chan-ah?! What're you doing here?! And why don't you have an umbrella?!” I shivered violently again and Seungkwan instinctively wrapped an arm around me, looking worried. “Why did you leave practice? And in the rain, for that matter? You know Soonyoung hyung didn't mean what he said.” I said and he sighed softly. “Yeah. I know that. I was just upset, Chan-ah. I needed to get out of there.” I sighed as well, shivering again. That made Seungkwan look at me in concern. “Let's head inside first, Channie. You need to warm up, you're gonna get sick.” I nodded eagerly, following behind Seungkwan into his apartment. Once inside, I immediately leaned against the door, still feeling chills run down my spine. Crossing my arms tightly around my chest, I felt the water drip down from my body onto the floor as I closed my eyes. I felt a sharp tickling sensation at the back of my sinuses come out of nowhere, feeling the burning urge to sneeze grow as my head ducked to my chest. “hih'ItkShUHh!-" I let out a deep sigh, rubbing at my nose. After the sneeze, it felt like my nose just wouldn't stop running. I saw Seungkwan give me a worried look. “Are you okay, Chan-ah? That didn't sound too good.” He walked closer to me and as he felt my forehead, I let my eyes close, shivering again. He let out a breath before letting his hand drop from my forehead, cupping my face with it. “You feel a little warm. I think you caught a cold from being in the rain for so long.” I groaned, my eyes still closed. “I don't wanna be sick, hyung.” Seungkwan sighed before petting my head a little. “I know, Chan-ah. Let's just dry you up first. You go shower, I'll make you some tea, okay?” I nodded wordlessly. I took out a hoodie and sweatpants from Seungkwan's closet before trudging to the shower. Even though the hot water did nothing to clear my sinuses or get rid of the tickle in my nose, it did make my nose run about ten times more than it already was. Great. 

Seungkwan pov:

I was still making Chan's tea when I heard him come out of the shower. I turned around to get a look at him. His eyes were watering like crazy and his nose looked on the verge of being rubbed raw. He was sniffling wetly every few minutes as well. I sighed as he stood next to me, leaning against the counter behind him. We stood there in silence, both of us not saying anything. After a while I looked at him curiously only to find him with his hands cupping his face, breath hitching desperately. “hh'KtCHuhHhh!- hih'AkTShUhhH!-” He groaned after the sneezes, rubbing at his already red nose. I looked at him in surprise. Chan sneezing this much definitely didn't happen often. My attention was drawn back to the present when I heard him gasp, pulling the neck of his hoodie to his face as he turned away from me slightly. “hh'IkTChUhHhh!- hh'GtkShuUhhHh!- hh'hKChuHhh!-” He groaned again as he turned back to me. The sneezes sounded wet and had seemingly zapped his energy, as he slumped against the counter again. But by the way his breath was still hitching, I could tell he was gonna sneeze again. Soon enough, his eyes grew distant and he brought an arm up to his face, his muscles tensing up. “hh'NgtChiiHhH!- hh'HktShuHhh!- hh'AktShUHhhh!-” I giggled at him as he made a sound of frustration almost like a whine. “You really can't stop, can you? Bless you, Channie!” His eyes met mine and even though he was glaring at me, it wasn't very effective due to the irritated tears in his eyes. “Shut up! And thanks.” I laughed loudly at that and he smiled too albeit reluctantly. When I finished making the tea, we went to the living room together. I carefully kept the tea as well as a box of tissues on the coffee table. 

When I turned back to Chan, he was gearing up for yet another sneeze. I waited as I saw his eyes fluttering shut, chest rising and falling with desperate breaths as he brought his hands up to cup his face. “hih’AktShUhHhh!- hht’IkTshUhHhh!-” The sneezes were so forceful that they bent him over at the waist, making him stumble slightly. I put a hand on his back to steady him as he geared up for another powerful sneeze. “hhk’KtChuHhh!- hih’KtShuHhh!-” The sneezes made Chan come even closer to me. I ran my hand up and down his back soothingly and I felt his muscles relax. “Bless you, Chan-ah. Aish, that cold does not sound good.” Chan shook his head lightly, wincing right after probably because the movement made his head hurt. “I'll be fine, hyung. It's just a cold.” I sighed but didn't argue with him, knowing he barely had any energy left as is. We both took a seat on the couch and I felt Chan lean on me, still shivering a bit. I knew he wanted to be physically comforted right now so I let him. After a while, I turned my head to look at him. He met my eyes, smiling softly. A smile of gratitude, I noted. “I would have been fine alone, Chan-ah. Why did you even follow me out of the practice room?” Chan laughed, almost as if he found the question stupid. “Of course I followed you, hyung. Did you expect me to leave you alone?” I rolled my eyes. “But you got sick because of that!” I said, my tone whiny. Chan sat up straight at my words and turned to me, a determined look in his eyes. “I would do it again for you, hyung. Always.” I smiled at him as he leaned back onto me. “You're so sappy, Lee Chan!” He laughed loudly at that, hitting my thigh with his hand. “Yah! Shut up! It's your fault I'm sick right now!” I looked at him in mock-betrayal. “You just said you didn't care about that!” He pouted and then burst out laughing and I laughed along with him. 

We fell into comfortable silence, only broken by Chan's sniffles. I massaged his thigh as he continued to rest his head on my shoulder. After a while, I nudged Chan. He sat up, looking slightly annoyed at being disturbed. “Shouldn't you drink that by now? I put in the effort to make it.” I nodded towards the tea and I saw comprehension dawn on Chan as he quickly picked up the cup and brought it close to his face. The tea was still piping hot judging from the steam coming off it. Unfortunately, the steam must've set off Chan's already sensitive nose as he handed the cup of tea to me quickly before turning away from me and bringing his wrist to his nose. “hih'AktChuHhh!- hh'NgtChuhHh!- HhH…hh'IktShUhhH!-” Chan turned back to me, sniffling wetly. He smiled sheepishly as he took back his cup of tea. “Sorry. The steam must've set me off.” “Bless you. And you don't have to apologize, Chan-ah. This isn't your fault.” Chan smiled at that as he took a sip of his tea. He finished the tea pretty quickly while I watched him and as he stood up to keep the cup in the kitchen, I got a video call. It was Soonyoung hyung. He wanted to apologize for what happened earlier. I smiled to myself as I picked up the call. Soonyoung's face lit up the screen immediately. “Seungkwan-ah!” He said through the call and I waved. He looked down for a while before meeting my eyes through the screen again. “Seungkwan-ah, I'm really sorry for today. I didn't mean to say what I said and I really didn't mean to kick you out. I'm really sorry, Seungkwannie.” I smiled at him through the screen, visibly seeing him relax. “It's fine, hyung. I understand. You don't have to apologize, I know you're sorry.” Soonyoung hyung nodded and then gave me a curious look. “Also, did you end up meeting Chan? He ran out of the practice room to find you.” I laughed at that. “Yeah I found him, he's right-” I looked past my phone at Chan only to find him leaning against the counter, his arm in front of his face, breath hitching. “hh'HktShUhhH!- hh'HtKChuHhh!-” The sneeze made him bend over at the waist and he grabbed the counter to balance himself. I gave him a worried look. “Bless you!” I said to him and he whispered a thank you to me. “Was that Chan?” Soonyoung hyung called through the phone. I nodded. “Yeah, it's Chan. He got sick while trying to find me in the rain.” Chan joined me back on the couch and leaned over my shoulder to wave at the screen. However, his breath started hitching again and he turned away from the phone quickly. “hih'IkTShUhhHh!-” He sniffled wetly before turning back to the screen. “Oh, I see now. Bless you, Channie! Get well soon!” Soonyoung said through the screen and Chan nodded, thanking him. I waved one more time before hanging up, turning to Chan immediately after. “Are you gonna be alright, Chan-ah? You're really suffering at this point.” Chan laughed at that, leaning against me and resting his head on my shoulder again. “Stop worrying, Seungkwan-ah. I'll be fine. It's just a cold, it'll pass.” I sighed as I shifted a bit to make him more comfortable against me. 

We sat there in silence again. I looked at Chan again when he sat up, reaching for the tissues on the coffee table. “Are you gonna sneeze again?” I asked and Chan only nodded, holding the tissues in front of his face, his eyes fluttering shut. “hih'AktShUhHhh!- hih'HktChiihHh!- hh'HktShUhHhh!-” “Bless you!” I said to him in surprise and he thanked me. I could tell he was gonna sneeze again though as his breath hitched again and he turned to the side. I quickly grabbed a few tissues from the coffee table and held them in front of his face, my other hand going to the nape of his neck. I noticed how he relaxed into the touch, his eyes closing as he gasped softly. “hh'ItShUhHh!- hh'HktChiiHhh!- Hhh…hih'AktShUHhh!-” He took the tissues from me before blowing his nose into them, my hand running through his hair from where it was on his nape. Groaning, he put his head on my shoulder again. “Bless you, Chan-ah!” Chan turned his head to look at me with slightly teary eyes, still sniffling wetly. “Thank you, hyung.” I played with his hair while he yawned, tired out by all the sneezing. After a while, I turned to him again. “I still don't get why you did that.” Chan rolled his eyes but there was no heat behind the gesture. “I told you hyung, I will do it again for you. Seriously, okay?” I sighed softly, taking one of his hands and squeezing it tightly as we fell into comfortable silence again. I could tell Chan was slowly falling asleep with the way his breathing was evening out. With our hands still intertwined, I looked at him and even though his eyes were closed, I could tell he was paying attention to me. “I love you, Channie.” I said to him and he smiled. “I love you too, hyung.” He said back, his voice soft and I grinned, getting comfortable as I leaned against Chan too, letting sleep wash over me. And even though I forgot to tell Chan that, I would do it again for him too. Always. 

[glysaturn]

hello glysaturn i have been following u for *years* and i want u to know that i havent for one second been convinced that your art is not good or has plateaued in some way. i think that youve managed to convince yourself of these ideas but i want to remind you that the more you continue to think this way the worse it gets. personally i felt at my most hopeless as an artist when i was obsessing over how bad i thought my art was and how little engagement it got online. i hit a point where i stopped drawing entirely for a while because i kept asking myself why i was doing any of this if it was “bad” — but then how could someone ever improve if they give up? all these negative thoughts bashing your own art just lead to hopelessness and an unwillingness to keep trying.

i’m glad that you *do* continue to push through and continue making art but i think it’s important to remember that you shouldnt be comparing yourself to other people. every artist u see online built up to wherever they are now and i think instead of fixating on how “good” their art is or how many likes theyre getting it’s healthier to fixate on the practice and effort they put in to getting there. i’m sorry if you’re not looking for comments about your outlook but again as someone who has been a fan and a follower for like over 5 years it saddens me to see one of my favorite artists tripping themselves up so often

i'm.. not sure what prompted this message. if it was my last post then you severely misunderstood it, no offence, like maybe it's on me for failing to convey exactly what i was trying to say, but i definitely was not coming from a place of self-hate. i love my art! i've just noticed a certain.. pattern in it which was making the process frustrating for me as of late. a pattern which was born through my damn perfectionism. it was making me feel like i have to squeeze my art out rather than just making it happen naturally. even if i like the final result, it takes too much out of me and it's just not very fun. so for a while now i was trying to start taking it easier, making simpler, messier works and through that - learning how to maybe draw something that might be a bit more complex but it would feel less like manual labour. whatever change i may want to see in my art isn't driven by outside factors, it's driven by my own desire to improve.

if this was prompted by my.. less than sane behaviour that i exhibit from time to time. first of all - i'm sorry you had to see that, trust me i ain't proud of it. secondly, uhhh, i get where you're coming from, but i feel like it's still not entirely accurate to what i'm experiencing. am i comparing my works to works of others? …….yea. sometimes. it's a god damn curse. does it make me feel bad about my art? not anymore, no, not really. i definitely do not look at someone else's art and think mine is shit in comparison. i think mine is quite good and worthy. it is true that i was not able to find any sort of balance that would let me exist online fully in peace. but i'm still looking for it, still trying to figure it out. and none of it is going to actually make me stop drawing and loving my own art. i know i said the thought of quitting crosses my mind from time to time, i did, but i was just in a moment of experiencing very intense emotions. i don't actually mean it, like deeply. my brain is wired in such a way that if i were to stop drawing, i would literally lose my mind. i simply cannot sit and do nothing. i MUST create. so there's that.

thank you for your.. concern?

[dreamingbrownie]

Rewrite your stories until they tell you the truth.

This quote from Cornelia Funke in a Zoom Q&A I had the honour to be part of last January has genuinely changed the way I write. For those of you outside the German-speaking countries; Cornelia Funke is one of Germany's most popular teenage- and young adult novel authors, her bibliography at this point eclipses that of some history professors of mine, and her books are what got me into writing 15 years ago. I'm 26 now, so like many of us in fandom spaces, I started very young, got around a lot on the internet, and had my fair share of creator burnout over the years. I also have ADHD, unmedicated for a lot of reasons I won't get into here, so the wip curse is strong in me. I currently have three big longfic wips in three different fandoms - Yuri on Ice, Fantastic Beasts and Merlin BBC - all of which are just lacking the ending. I have worked on all of those for more than a year and a half now. Up until a few days ago, I felt like What few still understand, my House of the Dragon Long Night do-over, would become one of them.

Being on tumblr for something upwards of eight years now (and having created a tumblr account for the sole reason to keep up with the Sherlock BBC Season 4 speculations ahead of the disastrous launch), I have seen a variation on the "we are authors, not creators, for fuck's sake stop capitalizing fandom" post every other week on here for years now. And as wholeheartedly as I agree with that statement, somehow I failed to internalize it. To make it true for myself, for my works, the time and effort I put into them. I don't know if university has made me a chronic perfectionist or the rejection sensitivity aspect of ADHD, either way, I have a high standard for my own work inside and outside of fandom, which isn't a bad thing persé but lately i have found myself dissatisfied with my works as I was writing them. Coming back to them a couple days afterwards usually shows me what sections really do work and what needs editing.

"Re-write your stories until they tell you the truth" - I was never a fan of thinking of a story as a first draft, as the sand you just build your castle out of the second or even third go-around. Writing long fanfictions takes enough time as is, and living with chronic pain especially in my arms, I probably should be writing less than I already am. But this time, with What few still understand, I really tried to follow that advice from one of the authors I admire most in the world: Why does this conversation between three characters feel off? Why do I keep working on it in the back of my head like nagging a loose tooth on the way to work, why does this scene feel wrong days after I have written it? Why did I keep procrastinating the finale? (Because I hate writing battles. That's why.) Now, recently I have been reading everything dear Cecil (@softest-punk) over in the Sandman fandom puts out, and one thing they said a while ago also really stuck with me: Fanfiction isn't the published book world (thank the stars), so we're all just playing doll together. We can have our cake and eat it too. And somehow, this clashes with my perfectionism despite that it resonates with me so much.

So, lately I have been trying to find the golden middle for myself. At which point am I satisfied enough with my writing that I can publish it online and be okay with the result, and what does it take to get to that point without obsessing over the details? How do I get rid of the demon of doubt on my shoulder making the pain worse because I spent too many hours on my laptop pouring over the Targaryen family dynamics in this fix-it world I accidentally created? Let's leave aside this volatile fandom making my anxiety over publishing worse; what I am hoping to achieve is to brighten some people's day. If I am yanking on their heartstrings in the process, promise there's always a happy ending waiting at the end of my stories. I just have to find that happy ending to my own creation process, and that is going to take time, I suppose.

[askholycouncillor]

*I return, in a new outfit, dressed in Victorian era clothes. They look similar to the councilors style* good afternoon, my muse. I have returned in new attire, and with theory on those.... whores, for lack of a better term.

*I sit down beside him* ...they are in love with corruption. The divine are not kind amongst men... from Prophets, priests, pastors, missionaries... they have gained quite the reputation, and it is not quite.... pleasent. They're seen as either captors of the lovely, or prisoners themselves. They're either seen as destroyers of freedom, or fearful of leaving the cage. I was... once a religious person, I will admit. But God died for me, long before I knew of his passing. As frightening as it was, I was breathing.

*I look at him, my blue eyes, with golden rings searching his helmet, looking for his soul in his own eyes wherever they may be* Perhaps they wish to corrupt you. The way they would a handsome priest, or a beautiful nun. Perfection is beautiful, but perfectionism is a curse. Even with blood on your hands, hatred, lust, pride, and envy in your heart, even with dreariness that goes beyond just rest pulling you to sloth... you will always remain perfect. At least to me. No matter how angry you get, no matter who makes your heart flutter even when it's not me, whoever praises you, who ever makes you feel like you deserve better than them, it matters not to me. My muse, my starlight, my Kauai O'o... you could become the most damned demon here, and I would still see a perfect angel.

*I gently hold his hand* ...there is something divine in corruption, when all you have ever been is perfect. You do not need to follow my path, and you do not need to take these words of mine to heart this time... for these are merely my thoughts. Perhaps it is because I am mortal, but... there is a point where perfect hurts. Where it is... lonely. In darkness stars shine brighter. Stars shine together. Perhaps...

*my grip becomes firmer, and I hesitate. I look up at him, with the eyes of a sinner confessing to the lord. Then I turn away* ...forget it... this was more of a silly tangent, than poetry...

You say it is no poetry, yet your words are as beautiful as always.

Your theory intrigues me, I must admit. To think an admiration, an attraction, can be born out of desire to defy is.. a new concept to me. Why would one tempt another towards Lust only because they are 'forbidden'? Is the concept of something you cannot have that romantic?

You interest me as well, dearest poet. Despite any sin I may commit, no matter who I smite or swear down to damnation, you still find me perfect. Even The Father would not think of me so highly. You are an oddity. One I have come to enjoy.

[artificeblade]

Hello! I just wanted to let you know that your fic Rainy Season is one of my all time favorite MP100 fics I've ever read. Thank you so much for making it.

WELL I WAS NOT PREPARED TO RECEIVE THIS BEFORE I GO TO WORK TOMORROW.

I'm, uh, still taking a moment to recover from that, haha. Though, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm glad you like it and I'm still stunned it's one of your top faves! That's truly a high honor and I'm so humble to receive that.

TL;DR below!

I feel like I owe an explanation for it's 5 year hiatus and I can go on and on as to why but simply put: the side characters I created for the fic stole my heart and I want to make them their own story with no ties to mp100 so they get the attention they deserve. It's a terrible habit of mine and I have 5 other projects that all have the same trend. Starts off as fan-fic and ends up having an original story born from it. (It's a curse really. )

That said, and I don't want to end this all on a bitter note, but I don't have plans on continuing it. I'm still learning to write and be a better writer between all the things that come with being an adult with a 40+ hour week job. But when I receive these comments it does help me realize that there are people out there that still enjoy it, even in it's incomplete state.

So, I'll say it again. Thank you for your comment. It really, really helps me and reminds me why I loved posting content. I struggle every year to post when my perfectionism gets the better of me but this helps.

Enough rambling! I hope you have a lovely day and take it easy!

[ghoulfr13nd]

god do i know how it is, not to widen the overlap between us on a diagram but man, getting passionate about something feels like a blessing and a curse at the same time, makes brain go BRRRRRR sometimes too much so i have to calm it down with something different and less positively stimulating fgsdjfk but yeah i totally get that, that's why some of my playlists are for a very specific types of players fsdgj it's hard to include all potential classes! so i think that's a great idea!! and you know! heart was actually an aspect that i first thought of for Mac! of course that was just a first instinct but something about her projecting this persona, wearing masks and containing almost contradicting multitudes + wanting to be center of attention read heart to me, but rage could also match! i love to think about classpects in terms of some sort of indication for potential of character arc? like, with mac maybe it'd depend of what's more important in her character development? creating her own identity or her own beliefs and where to direct her "rage"? (i also see people associating rage with religion and belief so technically it'd fit the bill with mac but idk if it's just fandom's association of rage with purple bloods fhsdjl) and it's totally fine, i love talking about your ocs! ("i have to shift into long reply mode" <why is that such a mood fgdsjkfl) love the idea of being penpals! :D i am in fact incapable of writing short asks/replies fsdghjfds and you know, i wanted to say my postal services are like. fine? but after reading about your experiences i think mine are excellent actually fgasdjk ;v;

music anon 🎶

MUSIC ANON YOU MAKE ME SOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INSANE! i love your asks so much:’) gotta scrunch up my face real good and tighten my shoulders up and shake my head back and forth rq give me a sec

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ok ok we’re done we’re back.

you and i are shaking hands 🤝 same neurodivergent tendencies. love that for us. we should start a club. maybe get jackets.

and yeah i get you :0 but you’ve seen my perfectionism score. you saw how high it is. i HAVE to make PERFECT classpect playlists or i will. idk. explode or something maybe. implode. turn into ash. etc.

and i love that you thought of heart for her…… i do think it fits so well. the thing about heart is that it has a lot to do with identity and emotion, and i think the way rage would manifest for her as a maid would be very similar to heart. in both cases youre embracing your own emotions, your own ideas, and using them for yourself. and i do think she is ruled pretty heavily by her anger and by her fear. but at the same time, like you said, she wears these masks and that contradict with, well, her heart! it seems like to the difference between them is a very thin, fine line, you know?

it means so much to me you enjoy talking about them 🥺 since i’ve started talking about them with you, they’ve been feeling a lot more… solid? in my head. i still have some ways to go, but hopefully i’ll have enough to start making stuff about them soon!

and im SO glad you get what i mean. which is like. AGAIN SO SILLY!!! LOOK HOW LONG THIS ONE IS GETTING!!! i, too, am incapable of writing short replies. shaking hands with you again.

also KFJSLDJSK THAT IS. so funny to me 😭 “mine are excellent actually” 😭 yeah hungary’s postal services are so cursed its unreal.

[z3norear]

THE GOD MEMORANDUM

TO: YOU

FROM: GOD

V11.

Be patient with your progress. To count your blessings with gratitude, to proclaim your rarity with pride, to go an extra mile and then another, these acts are not accomplished in the blinking of an eye. Yet, that which you acquire with most difficulty you retain the longest; as those who have earned a fortune are more careful of it than those by whom it was inherited.

And fear not as you enter your new life. Every noble acquisitions intended with its risks. He who fears to encounter the one must not expect to obtain the other. Now you know you are a miracle. And there is no fear in a miracle.

Be proud. You are not the momentary whim of a careless creator experimenting in the laboratory of life. You are not a slave of forces that you cannot comprehend. You are a free manifestation of no force but mine, of no love but mine. You were made with a purpose.

Feel my hand. Hear my words.

You need me...and I need you.

We have a World to rebuild... and if it requireth a miracle what is that to us? We are both miracles and now we have each other.

Never have I lost faith in you since that day when I first spun you from a giant wave and tossed you helplessly on the sands. As you measure time that was more than five hundred million years ago. There were many models, many shapes, many sizes, before I reached perfectionism you more than thirty thousand years ago.i have made no further effort to improve on you in all these years.

For how could one improve on a miracle? You were a marvel to beholdand I was pleased.i gave you this World and dominion over it. Then, to enable you to reach your full potential I placed My Hand upon you, once more, and endowed you with powers unknown to my other creature in the Universe even unto this day. I gave you the power to think.

I gave you the power to love.

I gave you the power to will.

I gave you the power to laugh.

I gave you the power to imagine.

I gave you the power to create.

I gave you the power to plan.

I gave you the power to speak.

I gave you the power to pray.

My pride in you knew no bounds. You were my ultimate creation, my greatest miracle. A Complete living being. One Who can adjust to any climate, any hardship, any challenge. One Who can manage his own destiny without any interference from me. One Who can translate a sensation or perception, not by instinct, but by thought and deliberation into whatever action is best for himself and all humanity.

Thus we come to the fourth law of success and happiness... for I gave you one more power, a power so great that not even my angels possess it.

I gave you...the power to choose.

With this gift I placed you even above my angels...for angels are not free to choose sin. I gave you complete control over your destiny. I told you to determine, for yourself, your own nature in accordance with your own free will. Neither heavenly nor earthly in nature, you were free to fashion yourself in whatever form you preferred. You had the power to choose to degenerate into the lowest form of life, but you also had the power, out of your souls judgment, to be reborn into the higher forms, which are divine. I have never withdrawn your great power, the power to choose.

What have you done with this tremendous force? Look at yourself. Think of the choices you have made in your life and recall, now, those bitter moments when you would fall to your knees if only you had the opportunity to choose again.

What is past is past...and now you know the fourth great law of happiness and Success... Use wisely your power of choice.

Choose to love... rather than hate.

Choose to laugh... rather than cry.

Choose to create... rather than destroy.

Choose to persevere ... rather than quit.

Choose to praise... rather than gossip.

Choose to heal...rather than wound.

Choose to give ... rather than steal.

Choose to act... rather than procrastinate.

Choose to grow... rather than rot.

Choose to pray... rather than curse.

Choose to live ... rather than die.

Now you know that your misfortune were not my will, for all power was vested in you, and the accumulation of deeds and thoughts which placed you on the refuse of humanity were your doing, not mine. okay gifts of power were too large for your small nature. Now you have grown tall and wise and the fruits of the land will be yours.

You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming.

[peskypixel]

working in the mines day in and day out wasting away (trying to make art refs) while fighting the curses that plagues me (perfectionism)

[tasmiq]

Jumu'ah Khuthbah: 10 February 2023

Alhamdulillah and Shukran Ya Allah that we have survived the mysterious case of COVID-19, but the ever prevalent reality of Climate change, which has affected the current shore of Turkey with earthquakes.

Ya Muqtadir Ya Qadir Ya Nasir

(Calling on Allah for us to be of help as humans to each other)

Ya Dafi Ya Fattah Ya Razzaq

(In Allah's name to rid humanity's destructive ways, and opening a means of more sustainable sustenance)

#1. Shaykh Nishast began describing our lived reality where when we grow, our relationship to Allah matures as Khalifatullah (vicegerants of Allah). We choose Allah in everything that we do by getting out of the way. When we're Khalifatullah, we're a source of our Creator with the frequency of the Qur'an. We have to be conscious of our responsibility.

Shaykh Taner added that it's better to look at everything not as a right, but only as a priviledge. We cannot take Allah for granted. "He" doesn't owe us, or anyone else, anything.

#2. Shaykh Taner was reflecting on the necessity of being prepared for anything the world throws at us! While they are in the brink of the coldest winter experienced in the US, as other erratic weather and related happenings all around the world. The horrendous happening of last week was that of an earthquake in a region of Turkey, Syria and Lebanon.

I was left pondering that as humanity, it is refreshingly not the other's doing that we're suffering. It's all of us who are responsible for experiencing the side effects of wreckless consumption, with a disregard for the earth!

#3. Shaykh Taner added that we have to be prepared to continue life after this life. The best time to prepare for the next life is in this life, with the intention to connect to Allah's power by choosing "His" criteria of right and wrong. We have to enact our understanding and consciousness. We come to realise what the ramifications are of being or not in a state of surrender and submission. In Tariqa, we are taught the meaning behind our actions.

Ya Muqtadir Ya Qadir Ya Nafi

(Yearning Allah's ability to craft goodness)

#4. A disclaimer was added; which soothed many souls like mine, where Allah is not after perfectionists. Perfectionism is the curse that we inadvertently strive for. Additionally, Allah didn't endow intelligence upon us human beings to look down on others. We need intelligence to choose the path of submission and surrender after we make its intention.

Instead, our job is to fortify goodness in others in order to evoke Allah's love. We must love and be loving as Allah by not pointing out people's incompleteness!

#5. Did I uncharacteristically venture into a fictional movie with an open mind but which I actually refuse to complete because there were horrible justifications for human frailty. A choice of the ego over the Divine! Let my poem try to explain the horrible shortfalls of the film...

Seeing Al-Haq

The Truth keeps silent in our worldly life

Only when constricted in "darkness"

Is one made to see the Truth of life in a few surviving years

Secularism is a trap that sinks you into the desires and whims of the ego

Cleverly disguised behind good intentions

But blurring seeing with one's spiritual heart

Left seeing from multiple egos

Only when life's tempo is brought to a screeching halt

What may be deemed as misfortune for most, but as fortune for some accident survivors

No more presuming or pretending an empathy with the persistent pain

But made to travail continuously the scary unknowns as a continued accident survivor

With a renewed outlook

Creating a glaring spotlight on the merits of spirituality that is denied or downplayed

A chance to reinvent one's perspective to life

Where all the mysteries of the past, unfold as Truths laid upon an inner shelf of consciousness

Subhana'Allah in Glory be to God, as the source of Al-Haq

Finally, we end with continued dua'a for the earthquake victims. May the affected families in the respective countries be able to rebuild their lives. May the earth be restored to peace, sooner rather than later! Insha'Allah, with a consesequent collective human commitment to earnestly curb Climate change!

Ya Salaam Ya Salaam Ya Salaam

[chiffonfluff]

I don’t like making New Year's resolutions cuz i can't ever keep them, but I suppose mine will be “get better or at least satisfied with my art in some capacity” (more below cuz it might get long; also I will talk about how 2022 has been for me lol.)

since for whatever reason, I am cursed by the wave of “perfectionism and also holding my art up to too high of a standard no matter how good or effort I put it in or change how I approach stuff I just can’t find an art style I like or methods to do it” and it's not a very helpful mindset.

It’s like almost everything I draw either gets no attention or not up to my very high standards (or both). And let’s not even forget the whole inconsistent art style stuff I feel like despite having a somewhat coherent style my stuff is also all over the place. One more thing, I feel like even when I draw using reference pieces for accuracy my work just isn’t up to snuff and hasn’t really been for the past 4 years.

Sure I am way better at art than I was many many years ago but it’s complicated!!!! My relationship with art is very messy but I still love doing it, I just wish I was satisfied w/ it more.

Anyway, I hope this year is at least somewhat better because from 2019-2022 life has been both boring, normal, and yet also awful along with a cocktail of mental health problems that have been getting both better and worse simultaneously, the pandemic that's lasted a couple years (and still is a bit) and other personal and private stuff I won’t get into. I am also considering changing my current college major entirely from art to something else, not art related so I can maybe just do art as a hobby rather than a full-time career. But who knows, maybe I won’t do that, we’ll have to wait and say.

As always, I hope 2023 is better; not just for me but for all. Stay safe out there.

[madibug]

Miraculous Ladybug meets The Troubled Bird Meme

[Part 1]