#crying and begging at myself to stop
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what if added. another motif
#crying and begging at myself to stop#but like. its so good#may or may not be influenced by the new hozier album#BUT. IN ALL FAIRNESS. I HAD ENTERTAINED THE IDEA BEFORE IT REALIZED#and it works so well#the sky/space/life vs earth/soil/death contrast is too good to pass up#dani speaks
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Y’all I’m completely flat broke and need cat litter, cat food, and groceries. My phone bill is due on the 7th. I had to call out of work yesterday because of nerve pain and now I only work two days this week and need to pay rent too. I really can’t do this shit anymore I’ve been trying so hard to get by without help bc I never feel like I deserve it but I can’t take it anymore. My friends and partners can only offer moral support bc we’re all fucking poor.
I really don’t know what to say. I know so many of us are struggling and it makes me so mad that ANYONE has to beg online or out on the street just to survive. I’m so angry all the time that community aid is seen as a last resort. It should be easy to find help and support in the people around you and it’s not and it’s bullshit. So few people care.
I don’t have a dollar amount I’m asking for, the number would be so high and I don’t care if I get all I need I just need SOMETHING. Anything to feed myself and take care of my cat.
Please.
#disability#mutual aid#please reblog#please fucking reblog I’m begging you#gfm#donate#donations needed#if you want proof of my bank balance or something you can message me I guess whatever it takes to get someone to care#and not think I’m just asking bc I want to#I don’t fucking want to#I want to kill myself honestly I’ve been struggling for years#and I’m out of pain meds and I just want to cry and never stop#came out of my room to find my roommate didn’t lock the panty and the their cats ripped into and destroyed the loaf of bread I bought#now I just have canned tuna and can’t even make a sandwich anymore and I’ve just been sobbing#I hate this
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Oh noo,, venting.
I wish my relationship would stop having to almost end just for one day of actually being thought about instead of neglected and forced to do everything for both of us on my own
#all of 2024 was the same cycle of me begging him to stop and him repeating it immediately. im so tired. im so tired#i keep telling myself that yknow. at least he isn't violent anymore. but. id take getting screamed at over getting ignored.#this is the one last chance to fix it before i walk away from everything. even though ive said that several times. i mean it#i mean it. i cant take this anymore#i haven't felt truly loved in so long. it feels like hes just attached to me instead of loving me.#ill never forget being told “i only yell at you because i feel comfortable with you” or being called th//nsp* when i asked for recovery help#ill never forget crying and begging him to Stop only for him to continue. and do it again the next day. and the next.#leaving me alone despite promises to stay. never considering me. never listening or trying anything at all#he fakeclaimed my autism once. that is something ill never forget.#i relapsed after four years because it made me feel tired and sleepy so that i could sleep when he breaks those promises to stay. i told him#and he only started caring about that when someone else brought it up to him.#im so fucking tired#i want to fix things but im the only one trying
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days without crying over them counter: 0
#rambles#delete later#like I actually am so fucking mad im SO MAD still#i need to move on but it’s like im stuck in that week#i don’t even think I have the words. i just feel so fucking betrayed. i feel insane#i hope they think of me and feel guilty. i hope they need advice and wonder what I would say#i hope they get HIT BY A CAR!!!!!!#i feel vaguely like I was preyed on. they admitted to trying to seduce me on purpose so I’d have sex with them#as an at-the-time-asexual virgin. and I was sooo flattered lol but now I’m just like. okay. what the fuck#they made me feel sooo loved and flattered and desired right up until they didn’t#and what was with the weird mixed signals. that was the reason I couldn’t move on from my crush#‘I don’t want anything right now’#okay then stop kissing my hand and cuddling me and calling me over to ask me unnecessary questions while you’re in the shower#stop mentioning how attractive I am and stop flirting with me#I’m killing myself what did I even mean to you was I just entertainment#like what did I even fucking mean I’m going insane#all I want to know is what I fucking was. yeah sure I was your ‘best friend’ who you had no issues with cutting off for no reason#i was your ‘best friend’ who you never texted first#what the hell WAS i#you came to me for advice and support and comfort so was I a therapist#that one night when I was crying and begging you not to leave me alone for the night#you promised me we’d call the next day#you hung up and we never called the next day. even though I asked twice#i bent over backward for you constantly and you couldn’t even be bothered to check in when I was having a fucking crisis like okay lmao#I’m gonna throw up I need to stop thinking and go to bed#and yet I still miss them so fucking much. so so so so much. i miss the affection. i miss being held. i miss their voice and smile#I’d let them mistreat me if it meant I got some kind of attention from them and that really makes me hate myself lol#maybe I’m just another creepy obsessed guy now#i FEEL obsessed. i feel insane. i feel disrespected and maltreated and also very very lonely#my face feels crusty from crying maybe it is bedtime
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me if thinking abt the most kinky depraved filthy tickle scenarios was illegal
#like why can’t i stop thinking abt being tickled to hysterics and begging for mercy only to get ignored#even better have them mock you and coo at you while you’re hysterical with laughter and babbling nonsense 🤣#idk been getting off to the idea of being tickled till i pee myself recently. like mean absolutely sadistic ler…#…tickling u harder when u beg for a break bc u can’t take it or ur like omg im gonna pee and they just KEEP GOING. 😵💫#like that’s so HUMILIATING 😭😭😭😭.and then they add to it by mocking you/making fun of you for that. 😭😭😭#me when my thing for humiliation and tickling come together to form the most depraved filthy scenarios#i’m fucking insane .#i’m crazy#😞😞😞😭😭😭😭i wanna be tickled to fucking tears PLEASEEEEE i just wanna be crying and begging for mercy only to have them laugh in my face.#.like a fucking sadist and just keep going or maybe even tickle harder 😵💫😵💫😵💫 as they tease u with the cruelest shit ever .
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feeling very scared and alone in the club tonight
#crying alone in a hospital gown outside the OR earlier was a very humbling experience for me tbh#idk what I did to piss you off God but can you please just kill me instead in Jesus’ name I pray amen#all my irls and my online friends are either asleep or at work or school so I’m just#here kinda#and I’m so anxious I feel like I’m too much and ppl are just constantly silently begging for me to stop texting/talking to them#propofol ain’t helpin LMAOOO but at least I managed to prevent myself from sending poorly written annoying ass love professions this time#huge apologies to anyone I’ve ever loved for real#gonna try and sleep now I guess#we stay silly tho I promise#☁️
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*Youth Pastor Voice* The children are so used to playing around in Minecraft, but you never hear about them calling for Mine Christ
#I don't even know what to do with this one it's just so#this is cathartic it feels fucked up while also being so so ridiculous#like holy shit Jesus in fuckin Minecraft#I would've begged my parents for this shit growing up but it came out after I starting distancing myself#I also had just stopped using the girls' bible I just talked about#and started using my phone#which was frowned upon but allowed#I'm crying rn#ex christian#religious trauma
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Me: oh rest! My body is so tired it cannot wait to unclench
My body the second it feels anything less than a PTSD inducing stress response that will remain with me the rest of life: seize up? Clench? Shake? Panic? Make the brain completely foggy and confused except for heartwrenching agony and sadness? Make flashbacks? CPTSD symptoms? Literal seizures triggered by distress?
#pleaese. im begging.#vent#negative#do not rb#seizures#ptsd#trauma#CPTSD#actually plural#like i know i dont mention systems in the post but i am one and also i think this is system related#I've been like. whimpering and unable to cry or fully panic for like an hour. just#rolling around whining jn pain like oh here it comes. here WHAT comes bestie??? its fine. im fine#what feels bad. im so miserable. im fine. whats WRONG. im dissociated so bad. so so bad.#i cannot recover bc i am incapable of feeling good. < trauma thoughts#im wrong and i know it but it doesn't make moments like this pass any faster or make them stop#i have to let myself feel like shit rn bc my body is making it happen and i have used any thing i physically can rn#feeding time in like 2 hours im literally sick im so excited. this WILL cure me#i havent recieved grounding and nurturing fulfillment of this nature(punIntended) in months. i miss my papa#i miss Crystal and Rufus and CHUCK should be out now!! chapa will be active in mere months and sally must be bacl in her spot too#i wanna see if the quail are still there. i miss feeling Keeper look at me. i miss the turtles even tho they're hibernating rn ill sense#i miss todd and gina and alicia. i havent seen alicia in. oh my god so long it hurts genuinely#im very mentlally ill about this place. Gary (ik ur real name but i call u this bc i love u) if you ever visit here please god make it to#feeding time i swear to god you will literally earn my trust 100% forever i will be like OHHHHHH So its fine then. literally instantly#im venting bc tumblr is a void but i know anyone can see this shit forever just. future me know that im fighting for YOU#everything gonna be okay. please tell me everything going to be okay. if i die before i can respond to this in the future i promise im tryin#and i love you so so much. it doesnt matter who read this im grabbing you DO YOU EVEN realize YOU ARE loved like have you really thought#about it today. you are LITERALLY LOVED more than you will ever evet ever know. did you know our core feelings snd thoughts and understandin#gs are about love bc love is literally the meaning of life
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Going through my pictures and realizing I missed some to delete.
LOL. Fuck you.
If I had a fucking dollar for every time you told me it was the last time. What a waste of time and effort you were.
#thank GOD you’re gone#thank GOD I was smart enough to not keep any of our stuff#pictures gone#everything GONE and I am F R E E of you!!!!#im still so angry.#idk if I’ll ever stop being angry and disappointed#I had HOPE in you#foolish shameless hope that you were NEVER going to live up to#I MOVED ACROSS A CONTINENT FOR YOU#I UPROOTED MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE FOR YOU#FOR WHAT?!#for NOTHING#for absolutely fucking nothing.#8 years of my life crying myself to sleep and begging God to make me good enough for you#I wasn’t the one that should’ve been praying#I wasn’t the one that should’ve been down on my knees begging to be made a better person for you#I was always better than you#no you know what#I was always too good for you#you never deserved anyone like me#you never deserved my love#not a goddamn ounce of it#but I gave it#because that’s who I am#I’m a lover and I give and give and give until I can’t#and I lasted 8 years of back and forth with you wondering EVERY TIME#EVERY SINGLE TIME#EVERY FACETIME CALL#EVERY LETTER#EVERY TEXT MESSAGE WHEN YOU CAME HOME
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one of the things that will forever hunt me and make me feel bad about myself its the fact that I know the whole fcking backstory of the "I dont fit in and I dont wanna fit it, Im weird, Imma weirdo, have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on?" scene
I feel so bad, like I cant believe it, like people dont have to know I watched it when it came out but I know it and I feel sorry for my soul
it really gets me down
(sorry for the multiple missspelled words in the tags, Its late and I didnt doble check and Im tired and I dont think I cant re write all of that)
#like Ive been watching fcking tiktok compilations on youtube which is sad enough but everytime that clip comes out I feel such sorrow#I want to die#I mean cry#I want to cry#I feel so bad for myself#I cant believe I liked that#riverdale#jughead jones#being a riverdale fan back in the day its my biggest darkest secrets#it will haunt me forever#if someone ever gives me the chance to erase something from my brain I will not hesitate Ill beg them to delete any detail of riverdale#thats coming from someone who stopped watching after episode 3 of season 3 maybe#like you know that scene from stranger things where theyre burning the upside down tunnels thats what I want them to do in my brain w river#“i wish I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things” but its riverdale#its not a break up its just deep deep regret and hours and years of my life I'll never get back and will haunt me forever#like that episode of Sonny with a chance where they go to public school#thats how riverdale memories make me feel#one of the scenes that will haunt me forever its Betty seeing her mom and sister about to burn her niece and nephew for a ritual#and thats bc I decided that was my last straw and ran away as fast as I could from that show and now I'll never know what happens afterward#trapped depressed ansious thats how that Sonny w a chance ep & Riverdale make me feel#also strime cringe#like Cherryl pigblood Josie stalker ???? WHY DID NOBODY EVER TALKED ABOUT THAT EPISODE AGAIN???? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??#THAT LET ME DEEPLY DISTURBED STRIMLY SCARED#AND THE GUY NEVER HEARD BACK FROM JOSIE BC CHERRYL TOLD HER HE DID THAT? AND SHE KEEP BEING FRIENDS W CHERRYL#The fact that they used to air this episodes at the same time that in the US but in my country it was between 12 & 1 am#I HAD TO GO TO BED AFTER THAT!
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I have yet to keep inspecting the sweepstakes, I need some air and food first, but I might as well share what I've been thinking about Mike today, because I heard of an interpretation saying Mike was a camera man for Spamton which ... Is very interesting. Like for me this makes me think of Mike as someone who admired Spamton, someone way smaller than him, definitely younger imo, who simply excitedly followed along with the orders given. I mean, up to a certain point. I mean this feeling is reinforced in the q&a when asked about Mike, that makes Spamton get very defensive, almost protective. In my eyes it almost creates this almost platonic familiar bond dynamic whatever. But like this is just a shot in the dark, bc what we know is, 3 lines, period. But if when chapter 3, 4 and 5 come out and Mike is there and I'm right about these things then I'm gonna feel like a god tbh.
#luly talks#not gonna put this one on main tag bc its a bit too vague and speculative and shit but im leaving rbs on in case some1 is like hm ur into#something here nemo im which case i will wag my tail and bat my eyelashes#but am i making sense anyway?#like just to make sure: my idea of mike is a camera man younger and smaller than Spamton who admired the guy#and spamton out of idk fondness bc he reminded him of his old self kinda took the guy under his wing in a way#that's why he's so protective and shit#although unrelated to this bc just. putting that there and NOT touching it but it's interesting what Spammy says right after name dropping#mike if you believe in the cameraman interpretation (which i saw in a video i then stopped watching bc i wanted to explore that shit myself)#bc he right after says to not believe anything you see on tv but this could easily imply mike did do his part but the editing team changed#shit. but its just very curious what involvement Mike could've had because. why would he be as targeted as he appears to be?#and what caused him to also abandone spamton? is mike even fucking alive? judging by Spammy's q&a dialogue you'd assume he is#but i mean that's official but not canon right so it's a bit hard to judge?#but Mike seems to be the only one he isn't really resentful towards for leaving him almost implying it wasn't Mike's choice?#i just can't wait to see more of this bc it's gonna reveal a whole side to this little puppet previously unknown#in fact i think that after breathing some air im gonna go look at the snowgrave neo fight flavor text and cry and piss and etc#I'm still not over spamton begs the audience to stop taking the furniture i can see the poor guy being evicted as he tries to plead not to#so vividly wugh. my poor little guy of questionable morals . . . 😢#also don't get me started on the commemorative ring man what on earth is going on there.........
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standing in the kitchen doing daily training stuff with my dog thinking about how in iron age egypt someone probably specialized in training working dogs and we'll never know what they did or what their names were. but we know in places with large amounts of livestock bones theres also countless dog bones.
#tongue#i keep having these existential moments where i think about people#maybe its bc ive been reading and watching a lot of stuff about anthropology lately#but its so easy to look at paintings and releif carvings and just feel nothing#theyre so far removed from us#but rheyre still us#they loved and lost and were stupid and awful and loving and brilliant#and we loved dogs so much that we domesticated them likely before we were even homosapians#dogs look to our hands when we talk they bond with us like our own babies bond to us#theyre eager to learn and we knew that we could tell even when we dont speak the same language#dogs became more expressive because humans became like bonded to the canines that were#the ones that sat with their ears back and eyes trained on yours with a wagging tail got more people food#and now my dog is sitting here with his ears back all smooshed against my legs begging for my poptart#i love humans man im literally sitting here crying while typing LMAO#like i made a post forever ago on my old blog anout onfim and like#and you can tell neanderthal parents lifted their babies to the roofs of caves so they could paint something up there too#I GET LIKE THIS EVERY TIME I GET INTO ANTHROPOLOGY IM SORRY#PALEONTOLOGY ALWAYS LEADS ME BACK THERE BUT I LOVE DINODSURS MAN I CANT STOP MYSELF
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sent my professor a lengthy email asking for an extension for my presentation so I'd have one week more to prepare and. he just answered "Sure. Best [first name]"
like
[Begin ID: A screenshot showing an email. The sender and recipient are blurred. The subject of the email is "reschedule [redacted] presentation?". The text says "Sure. Best [redacted first name]". End ID]
#im like begging on my knees crying and sobbing and having a breakdown abt not managing to stick to the deadline and asking for an extension#and he's like. idk. reading my email during his evening tea in the bathtub or whatever quickly checking his mailbox one last time before#clocking out for the day he sees my email chuckles and just types 'sure. best [first name]' deletes 'sent from my iphone' and hits send#then he puts his phone down on the rim of his bathtub and sips from his favourite tea#meanwhile i'm here like 😣😓😢😞😭🥲🫠😵😵💫 *screams*#i feel a little pathetic for overexplaining myself now but i feel when i'm asking him for a favour#it's only fair that i explain my motivations ig. maybe i was too polite like i was like#If you will allow me to give my presentation at a later date I will be very grateful. If not I completely understand.#and he's just like lol. i mean ig the stark difference between how i wrote my email and how he wrote his email makes me uncertain and unsur#but! why do i worry! ivegot my extension! it's fine! now i can actually focus on that presentation! it's fine! stop worrying and overthinki#g!#not fandom related#personal log stardate
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I’ve been teaching my sister how to play Genshin for some of the past hours today and I hope she quits bc now I feel really guilty about it I don’t want her to waste all her time on it and Im thinking abt why she even wanted to start the game and now I feel even more horrible bc of some reasons that I kinda feel guilty explaining
#dora daily#idk how to tell her maybe she should focus on other things and games#I don’t know I’m overthinking bc everything rn is such a mess and my heart hurt so bad earlier and I felt like throwing up and stuff idk#what to do#everything is somehow going worse and worse it feels like it’s snowballing out of control but it’s because why is everyone so mean to me#like all I have ever wanted is just to be seen but I’m always invisible to everyone and people OFTEN tell me they forget abt me so many#times that it’s more often they forget me than remember#why am I so forgettable and why do I get replaced like idk what’s wrong with me#what’s so horrible abt my personality I don’t understand like is it the way I think ? I think it’s the way I think#but I can’t change how my brain is wired or how it functions I just don’t know how to fix it#I swear I’ve tried everything for years and years I’ve spent since my very early years trying to find out what’s wrong with me and why#it’s so hard for ppl to like me I’ve tried to change everything it doesn’t work and only six months ago I found out why people don’t like me#just by trial and error#it’s my brain and the way I think it’s just all wrong idk how I’m meant to think but it’s not meant to be like this#my personality is all wrong my likes are all wrong my thinking and everything is all wrong and I’m stuck like this unless I somehow do#some surgery on my brain to fix how I think I’ll be like this forever#I wish I could just fold myself up into a little version of myself and just put it away to take up the least amount of space in this world#I’ll never belong in this world and I don’t want to be here anymore#shoot I can barely even see the text on my keyboard bc I just can’t stop crying#I always said my parents should’ve never gotten married they were never a match my mum should’ve gotten an abortion when she found out like#she never even liked my dad anyways#fuck how do I stop crying my mum is gonna be here soon and she’s gonna start laughing at me like she usually does when I tear up I’m#straight up bawling LOL imagine she sees that I’ll be made a mockery more than I already am this is so humiliating and pathetic. why do I#care sm now I’ve never wanted to be alive but now I’m so sad because I really don’t want to be here anymore but I don’t know what to do#my head hurts now maybe I should go to sleep maybe it’ll help me forget about this at least for a while longer#I’m just so sad I have to manually ask ppl to care about me I’m so tired I have to do this with everyone#I’m not even angry anymore I’m just so sad I’m sad that others get that care like it’s second nature but with me I have to ask and beg forit#oh ik if my mum sees I’ll just tell her I’ve been itching my eyes if she asks why they’re red LOL#It’s okay if nobodyll ever like me like I like them right ? I don’t have to get liked back as long as I give love to others right ? then I#won’t be useless like my mum says I am at least I can have a tiny bit of use even though my love means absolutely nothing I bet it’s okay iv
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vent in tags don't mind me
#skye talks#vent#it's been a long time since i had a panic attack in the grocery store but here we are#maybe it has something to do with spending my last money on food and gas#new job tomorrow just gotta make it through#all my days are full of tasks now and i have no choice really i gotta do things i gotta maintain and yet im so tired my whole body aches#i want to sleep for twenty years and i haven't even started yet#actually i want to sob and someone to run their hands through my hair#i got home and nearly fell asleep sitting in my car and my muscles keep twitching like they'll cramp#and my feet feel like they're going to split in half#and all the lights in my space were different from how i left them and blinds were open that I didn't and somebody turned my fan off#and like wow i really can't leave my room for even a day without everything being different#and they'll just yell at me and yell me I'm being so disagreeable and difficult if i beg them once sgain to please respect my space#I'm 30 amd saving to move out but they open the door on me unannounced like I'm a child#and i nearly started sobbing in the kitchen as i tried to pack up some chopped onions in the freezer and I coulnt even do that#i begged four separate times in like ten minutes to please let me do this stop goving me other bags stop questioning what I'm putting where#i just couldn't talk i could barely hold myself together#everything in my body hurt and my chest feels like it's being stabbed and my brain is screaming at me and i just#i just needed to put the onions in the freezer and be allowed to be nonverbal and it was too much and it took everything i had#all of it to just beg and say please don't talk to me I'm so tired i just need to do this#and i got literally shrieked at the fourth time i said it#i just#i don't#oh my god i'm gonna lay here for hours and maybe cry again#AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BIGGEST THING ON MY MIND IT WAS JUST THE PANIC AFTERMATH#somebody sedate me or something why is it all so hard#I'll deal with it but holy fucking shit
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