#cries in impostor syndrome

[elektroyu]

First batches of kitty sticker printables are now online!

Visit my Etsy shop for more info!

(there will be physical versions for everyone who can't make stickers themselves, but those will take some more time to do)

[beatlespussy]

Foreman doing yoga. Sir why can you pull your knees all the way to your chest do you have something to share with the class 🤨

[whalyrae]

THE OLD GUARD - CHAPTER 4

"We don’t get a say on how it ends, we never have. But we can control how we live."

Summary : You are a powerful witch, cursed and hurt through ages. Owner of your esoteric shop, you were resigned to live this lonely life when the powerful magic of soulmates and fate came to you.

Pairing : poly BTS x reader (she/her)

Genre : soulmate au, demons bts au, witch y/n au, fluff, angst, eventual smut, polyamory relationships

Status : In process

Word Count : 5k

Warnings : eventual smut, angst, mention of depression, death, suicide, past trauma, violence, blood, past (sexual) abuse, past torture, PTSD, scars, self harm, and more.

Tag list : @blackrockshooter780 @babyymeme @starrlo0ver @suckerforv @mushroom-main @m1sss1mp @prettydancingdamzel @i-have-no-life-charlie @avadakadabra93 @veronawrites @kawaiikpoplover268 @didi-9310 @ghostlyworld @carolinexkpop @gooooomz @00ihatesnaku

A/N : After months of struggling with life, health, mental health issues... I can FINALLY POST AGAIN !! This chapter was really hard to write (I cried a little at the end ngl :D), I have constant writer block, constant impostor syndrome... I have the perfectionnism trait but in a toxic way really TT.TT Don't hesitate to like and reblog !! Also don't be afraid to leave a little comment or if you have any questions, here or in anon in my inbox !! they are really really welcomed, I love reading all your impressions and thoughts !!

Also thank you so much !! I was inactive for a very long time and I still got daily alerts with people who liked/kudos the chapters and the story :(( I can't express (yeah i'm an author and i can't express through words LOL) how much i'm grateful :(( ♥♥

ps : ah and sorry if there is any mistakes or anything it's almost 2:30am when I post this and I had an really emotionnal day fgkfdhlfk LOVE YALL MUAH ♥

Playlist link : The Old Guard Playlist

Masterlist | ao3 | wattpad

Chapter 3 // Chapter 5

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ 

She was wondering whether it would be better to ask Handong to stay with her. She had assured her that she would handle the situation and that Handong could go home. She knew that Gahyeon would need her at their coffee shop. 

However, now that she was in the living room of the seven boys, her soulmates’, after bringing one of them in an utterly unconscious state for a reason as unknown to them as it was to her, she was starting to regret this decision.

She couldn't understand what had happened with Jin the moment their eyes met. She couldn't say anything, the words were stuck in her throat as they stared at each other without a word. He parted his lips as if he wanted to say something, but just like her, nothing came out. 

He'd known she was his soul mate, of course he could feel it. Just like her. But had he recognized her? Did he know that the two of them were the firsts of their soulmate bond to meet, long before any of the other six were born? She couldn't be sure and didn't have time to find out. 

She had seen his features contort in pain, and without a word, he had collapsed. Luckily, Handong, who had seen them, was able to catch him in time, preventing him from falling to the ground and potentially injuring himself. 

Thanks to a spell that increased her strength tenfold, she could carry him without Handong’s help and any difficulty to the place where he lived with his mates. But she couldn't stop herself from hurrying, worried sick about him.

And that's where she is now. Jungkook helped her carry Jin to the living room, laying him on the sofa. While Yoongi woke up Taehyung and Namjoon. Jimin and Hoseok hurried to get a damp cloth on Jin's forehead. 

Namjoon and Taehyung stormed into the room, not hiding their surprise at seeing her there in total panic. 

However, they didn't ask any questions. Yoongi probably had to explain to them what happened and what was going on. 

She was standing in front of the sofa where Jin was lying, staring at the unconscious demon, his features distorted by pain. The sight of him was enough to make her stomach twist with soreness. 

"Hey, Noona..." Jimin's soft voice startled her. He was standing next to her, a comforting smile on his lips, "Everything’s going to be fine, don't worry..."

She didn't even know what to say. She didn't dare to look him in the eye, or any of the other boys. The guilt she'd been carrying around with her all these centuries was only getting stronger. 

She could hear voices behind her, probably the boys talking amongst themselves, or maybe they were trying to talk to her. She didn't know. Nothing around her was clear and precise. Her vision was blurring, her heart rate had been racing for a while and she was getting worse. 

She gasped when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned round abruptly, facing Namjoon. The other boys were behind him, except for Yoongi who was next to Jin. 

"Hey," he greeted her with a gentle smile, "don't worry, everything's going to be fine,” he repeated Jimin’s words, “You're having a panic attack, I'm gonna help you, okay? Look at me."

His voice was soft and reassuring, it had a calming effect on her. His presence and warmth invaded her whole being, despite the anxiety attack she was having. 

She raised her eyes to meet him. Slowly, he tells her to take long, deep breaths. The first time, she breathed in and breathed out. Then a second time. And a third. 

Finally, her breathing returned to normal and her heart rate calmed. Seeing this, Namjoon gave her another smile, his fingers caressing her shoulder to calm her down. 

She had the strange impression that Namjoon probably possessed some kind of power capable of influencing the emotions, feelings, or even bodily reactions of the people he touched. Or maybe it was just the soulmate effect. 

"Feeling better?" 

"Yes... Thank you..." She replied with a small smile, seeing Hoseok approach her with a glass of water. "Thanks… and sorry, I wish we'd met under different circumstances..."

"Don't worry sweetheart, I'm enchanted to meet you." 

Hoseok gave her a big, bright smile, which he succeeded in communicating to her. 

"I guess you guys have questions... and why did I show up with Jin in this state..."

She turned her attention to Jin. A wave of emotion suddenly washed over her as she realized that yes, he was there, in the same room as her. Her soul mate, the first to cross her way, the one she'd lost so suddenly and brutally centuries ago. A mixture of joy, sadness, guilt, and apprehension. 

"Do you know what's going on with him? And why is he in this condition?" Hoseok asked curiously, taking back the glass she'd just drunk in one long sip.

She bit her lower lip nervously. She had to tell them. Jin was their soulmate, just like he was hers.

But where to start?

"Come on, settle down here."

Yoongi straightened up to install her on the sofa, right next to Jin still unconscious. He'd then sat down next to her, while the others had taken seats in front of her, Namjoon and Hoseok on the low table, the maknae on the floor, clinging to each other.

The sight made her smile gently. But quickly the smile disappeared, replaced by apprehension. The words just wouldn't come out of her mouth. She knew that the moment had come, that once she'd told them everything, they'd hate her, reject her, and she’d lose the people she'd waited for all her life. 

"Noona... I can smell your fear all the way up here..." murmured Jimin, her eyes landing on him with surprise, "I'm an empath, by the way..." he explained with a shrug. 

"You don't have to be an empath to sense the fear radiating from her." chuckled Taehyung, teasing his companion who gave him a nudge on the shoulder, "Oops, sorry sweetie." 

"I know that from the moment you will know the whole story, you'll never want to hear from me again and I... argh that's the last thing I want," she admitted with a sad smile. The events of the last few days had paralyzed and overwhelmed her in some ways when it came to making the right decisions, and she was extremely upset with herself about this.  

"But I think I need to stop being scared, and selfish like I have been."

"We could never hate you," Hoseok said firmly, the others all giving signs of approval, "no matter what you've done." 

"Tell us all the horrible things you ever did, and let us love you anyway."

She recognized Namjoon's words. And she wasn’t surprised that he could quote Edgard Allan Poe, considering the circumstances of their first meeting. 

She couldn't deny that his words made her feel a tinge of comfort, because he was sincere, and every one of the other boys thought so. 

But they didn't know the whole story yet, so the chances of them thinking differently once they knew the whole truth were pretty high. 

"Where to start..." she took a long breath, "Jin... I met him before I even knew I was immortal. That was... uh... it seems like an eternity now, at the beginning of the 15th century."

She expected the exclamations of surprise that followed. 

"Wait... you mean you and Jin hyung..." Jungkook fell silent to think. 

"Why didn't he ever tell us about you then? And why have we never met you before ?” asked Yoongi skeptically, "You're our soulmate, his soulmate, how could he..."

"It's more complicated than it sounds..." she sighed, scratching the back of her head nervously. "I always knew I was a witch, my mother was a witch herself. I lived in a village in France during the period when the witch hunts began. It was also during this period that the Malleus Maleficarum was written." 

"I know this book," Hoseok sighed loudly as he shook his head, visibly annoyed, "this pile of garbage written in the late 15th century, which supposedly explains what a witch is, how to recognize one, interrogate them, and kill them."

"A load of bullshit yeah," Namjoon added with a chuckle, "I rarely waste my time reading books, but this one..."

"Tell me more !" Jimin exclaimed, "I read it too, well, not all of it, it's so... misogynistic and sexist!" 

"I... was one of the witches who had to go through all the torture and experimentation to write this... book or whatever it is. And most of the women who suffered all that crap were just ordinary mortals," she admitted with a little restraint. 

Horrified exclamations were heard from the maknaes and Hoseok. Yoongi and Namjoon closed their eyes for a few seconds, repressing the anger rising within them. 

Talking about these events did not leave her indifferent; these memories were among the worst she had ever known, and she still sometimes had nightmares about them. 

She remained silent for a few moments, before finally speaking up.

"That's not the point. Jin is the point. When I met him, he was a merchant passing through the village." A small smile appeared mechanically as she recalled this memory, "It was love at first sight. Of course, it was. He knew I was his soul mate, but I... I didn't even know what a soulmate was. He taught me. He taught me so many things..."

She turned her head towards Jin, still unconscious beside her. Oh, how she'd missed him. He hadn't changed a bit. 

"I immediately sensed that he wasn't human, just as he'd guessed that I was a witch. So much better in a way, it made things easier."

Delicately, she let her fingers stroke his forehead, brushing aside a few strands of hair, a tender smile on her face.

"He stayed in the village after that. I had taken over the bakery from my parents who had passed away from an illness a few months before I met him. We weren't the richest, but we were happy.”

The other boys couldn't contain the grins on their faces. Of course, this story was beautiful and worthy of a fairy tale. But they all knew that fairy tales were only fantasy stories. The reality was not nearly as lovely. 

"We lived... two years like that before everything went to hell."

She felt her hands tremble as she recalled what she was about to say.

Jimin sensed her nervousness, fear, and sadness. He left Taehyung and Jungkook's embrace to kneel before her, gently taking her hands in his for comfort.

Her gaze met his, and he offered her a gentle, reassuring smile. But she couldn't relax.

"The witch-hunt had begun and was becoming increasingly virulent and violent. The villagers had always thought it was strange that I hadn't suffered the same illness as my parents. I knew the rumors about Jin and I. But until now, we'd managed to keep a discreet, almost unnoticed presence. Until she came along."

Jimin squeezed her hands a little tighter as he felt her anger rising. 

"That demoness... came to our village, supposedly a cloth merchant. She fell for Jin. Was it love, or just a physical attraction? I don’t know. She succumbed to his devastating charm, like so many others before her." She chuckled, imitated by Yoongi. 

"As you would expect, Jin did nothing but ignore her and rebuff her advances. She didn't appreciate it at all… I learned later that this half-succubus demoness was renowned for finding prey and not letting go until she got what she wanted."

"A real nasty leech..." muttered Jungkook.

She noticed, however, that Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hoseok expressions had changed. They had exchanged glances, seeming to pass a message to each other that she didn't understand. She decided to ignore it for the moment.

"Things got worse after she arrived, after Jin's rejection." She took a long breath. "She's the one who delivered me to the villagers, who exposed me. When we realized her plan, that she was planning to take Jin with her by force, by any means necessary, we wanted to run away. We'd go to Asia, or America, or wherever, to another continent, away from her, away from all of this. But that demoness had planned everything… We were young, unaware, and inexperienced, unlike her. I was barely 25, and he was 23... we just wanted to..."

She paused to calm herself, her heartbeat quickening again. Fortunately, Jimin was able to calm her, just by being here, his soft hands on hers, and she was grateful for that. She thanked him with a small smile, which he returned by stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. How could a demon be so angelic? 

"She specialized in memory magic..."

"Oh, I'm getting the hang of it..." muttered Namjoon, clenching his jaw.

"That bitch…" added Yoongi, making her huff.

"The villagers arrived in the middle of the night. We didn't see it coming. The demoness took advantage of this moment to attack Jin and cast a spell to erase me from his memory. The last time I saw Jin was before they put a bag over my head when he was unconscious in her arms." 

She lowered her head, and it was only when she felt Jimin's soft hand on her cheek that she noticed a tear had rolled down. 

She knew what the demoness had done, she knew that she'd erased Jin's memory, simply because she'd come to see her a few days later in the cell where she was being held captive. She explained everything, adding that she had offered to give her over to the Catholic order of Dominicans who wrote the Malleus Maleficarum. Which happened, the day after she came.

"When I finally escaped... After several months," she continued anyway, her voice trembling, "I looked for him, I... crossed France from top to bottom, and Europe... I looked for him everywhere, for many years... I never found him... until now..." 

Jimin's hands gripped hers a little tighter. She looked up at him, then at Yoongi, who had moved a little closer to her. Their shoulders were touching, his way of showing her some comfort. 

"So that's what happened..." muttered Namjoon, who had straightened up, his eyebrows furrowed, looking thoughtful.

"I hate humans..." blurted Jungkook as he hugged Taehyung tightly, his companion nodding in agreement. 

"And so, you thought we'd hate you, or I don't know what other nonsense might go through your little head when we know the truth?" Yoongi asked, holding back a laugh. “I don’t see why. I mean. It’s genuine, really.”

She arched her eyebrows in confusion. She thought that it seemed logical. She hadn't been able to protect Jin, she’d left him in the clutches of this demoness who'd probably done a thousand and one things to him that she didn't even want to think about. She hated herself for it.

"Hyung." Hoseok sighed, shaking his head, "stop."

"I failed to protect him, he's my soulmate and... I abandoned him and..."

"You didn't do any of that, Y/N."

Namjoon approached her. He took Jimin’s place and knelt down facing her, placing his hands on hers. 

"You're both the victims. You've met someone stronger, older, more experienced than you and she took advantage of it. You did everything you could. You did your best. You could never be blamed for that. We could never blame you for that. ."

"And Jin hyung won't blame you either, I'm sure," Hoseok added with a small smile. "When he will regain his memory, when we will give him back what that demoness stole from him, he'll be the happiest man in the world to have you back with him, with us. Believe me."

She pressed her lips together, not wanting to cry, not yet. 

Yoongi wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer.

"It's over now," he whispered against her hair, "you're not alone anymore, you won't be. We've found you, you've found us." 

She couldn't hold back the few tears that had started to fall. How could she not break down, after all those centuries spent alone, thinking that her soulmates didn't want her, living with the guilt of having abandoned the only soulmate she’d ever known. 

They said the same things as her friends when she told them everything a few days ago.

None of them thought for a second that what happened to Jin and her was her fault. 

That feeling of being understood, of not being judged, of being accepted despite her past mistakes and scars.

That feeling of being in the presence of her soul-mates. 

She hadn't felt so at peace in what seemed like an eternity. Ever since Jin and her were separated.

°°°

"Noona... I have a few questions..."

"Here we go... the kid and his questions. Wait, I'll get you an aspirin and a big glass of water."

Jungkook glared at Yoongi, who had gotten up to go into the kitchen, a sneer on his lips.

Jin still hadn't woken up, but after a simple soothing spell and an herbal ointment she’d carefully placed on his temples, he was calmer, his body more relaxed.

She hadn't wanted to stay, not wanting to risk another attack if Jin woke up again. She learned through Yoongi about the migraine attacks he'd had since the day she met Namjoon. 

But the boys convinced her to stay. Namjoon and Hoseok had disappeared into their library, explaining that they were going to rummage through their books after a potential counter-spell. She wanted to go with them, but they insisted she stay with Jin and rest. 

It didn't take long to realize that Jin's seizures had a direct link with her.

As her soul mate, and despite his forced amnesia, his subconscious knew who she was. But it wasn't strong enough to bring back the memories the demoness had made disappear. Well, they hadn't disappeared, technically; she'd just hidden them very well somewhere in his psyche.

her scent on the clothes of Namjoon, Yoongi, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook had been the trigger for his subconscious to awaken, for his memories to struggle, to resurface and make Jin realize that yes, he did know her, as his intuition suggested. Yes, the person on the hill was her, yes every memory he thought belonged to someone else was his, and that the blurry person sharing them with him was none other than her.

The migraines, the loss of consciousness... were only signs that his body, mind, and soul were fighting to bring his memories back to where they belonged, to finally give him back what that demoness had stolen from him.

Or at least, that's what she’d come to conclude on hearing Yoongi's explanations.

"Ask me anything Jungkook, don't worry," she replied with a small smile, still sitting next to Jin. 

Yoongi had returned with some drinks (no aspirin, to Junkook's great relief) which he gave to the three maknae, still sitting opposite her, and to her, then sat down on the coffee table. 

"I was wondering, how did you find out that you were... immortal? I mean, what does that actually mean?"

She'd been expecting this question. Even for demons, immortality was still a rather vague concept. Nobody is immortal. Demons and vampires aged slowly, very much more slowly than human beings. But they weren't really immortal. 

"I died for the first time after the Malleus Maleficarum experiments, they sentenced me to be hanged to death, like all the witches at that time." 

She heard the exclamations of surprise from the maknaes. Yoongi remained silent, listening to her attentively. 

"I actually died that day. Except... except a few seconds after I took my last breath, my heart started beating again, and I came back to life."

None of them could believe their ears. Yoongi couldn't hide his surprise either, and she knew that a thousand questions were forming in their heads. 

"The second time was a few days later. At a bonfire." she continued, bowing her head, "The thing is… I feel all the pain, all the way to death. But for some reason, I live again and again. No matter how people try to kill me, no matter how I die, my wounds heal themselves, my organs reform." 

"Is it due to a spell?" finally asked Yoongi with his eyebrows furrowed, "or maybe some kind of witch, a hybrid with a phoenix..."

"I think you're going a bit far, hyung..." Taehyung chuckled slightly. 

"Hey, every proposition can be plausible, gamin."

She couldn't hold back a smile. It was obvious that they'd known each other for several decades now, that they'd been through a lot together. In a way, she was relieved that at least they hadn't had to go through all that alone. 

"I've never known the reason, or why I became like that," she finally continued, scratching the back of her neck, "I just am. Several times I thought I wouldn't get up this time from certain injuries, especially during the wars, but I always got up again. And just like that, more than 600 years have gone by." 

"Maybe it's just that fate didn't want you to die before you met your soul mates, who knows." Yoongi chuckled, shrugging. 

"If you think the universe and destiny are that kind of romantic..." Jungkook rolled his eyes.

"I'm tempted to believe that theory, it's much sweeter and more romantic than a curse put on you..." added Jimin with a little pout. 

"Sometimes things just happen, and they're impossible to explain. Even for creatures like us." she let go with a sigh and an embarrassed smile, "In any case, I've stopped looking and obsessing over it, I've just accepted it."

"Still, it must be painful to die, over and over again..." Jimin cocked his head to the side, feeling a wave of sadness as he thought of all she'd had to go through in her long life. As an empath, his reaction hardly surprised her.

If they knew. She didn't want to dwell on how some humans and even other creatures had taken advantage of her immortality to put her through the many horrors she’d experienced. This wasn't the time to talk about all those things.

“Our pretty soulmate is strong and courageous.” Yoongi finally broke the silence after a few seconds, “She’ll talk about it when she feels ready.” 

She bites her lips. She wanted to tell him to not call her pretty, but she felt that it was destined to fail. Yoongi seemed to be stubborn, maybe a little too much. 

“Do you guys think Joonie and Hobi will find something ?” Asked Jungkook, looking at Jin with worry. 

“For sure they will!” exclaimed Jimin, “Namjoon has books that are centuries old and unique, Hobi and him are the most intelligent demons ever! They’ll find something, surely!”

Jimin was passionate, his trust in his partners was blind and absolute. It was probably the same for all of them, she was sure about it, but Jimin was the one who showed it the most. 

“In the worst case…”

“Taehyung don’t start…” mumbled Jungkook, as the others sighed. 

“Let me finish! In the worst case, if we don’t find anything for Jin hyung, the solution is simple, very simple. We’ll create new memories, so many new happy memories all together!”

“If something was robbed from you without your consent, I think you'd like to have it back. Don't you think so?" Yoongi asked, his voice softened as he ruffled Taehyung’s hair who nodded with a sad pout.

He was just as worried as the others. There were so many unanswered questions, so many theories without explanations, so many problems without solutions yet.

“Namjoon and Hoseok always find a way to resolve problems, you should be used to it now.” 

That voice startled all of them. All five heads turned to the sofa beside Yoongi and her. To everyone's surprise, Jin was staring at them, or rather, at her. 

“Jin you’re awake !”

While the younger hurried towards their eldest, their faces racked with worry and relief, she reflexively stepped back.

She couldn't get very far, as her back bumped into a chest. She turned to face Yoongi, who placed his hands gently on her shoulders. He could read the stress and apprehension on her face. He couldn't imagine what she must be feeling right now, coming face to face with the one she'd lost centuries ago. 

"Where are you going like this?" he asked at first in a slightly teasing tone, before he leaned towards her and whispered, his voice softening, "Relax, everything's fine."

She opened her mouth to reply, but no sound came out. She'd spent her whole life looking for Jin and his other soulmates. Now they were all here. They were all in the same house. Everything still seemed so unreal that she didn’t know how to react or what to do. 

“Y/N ?”

She froze when she heard her name coming from Jin's lips. The others in the room gave him a surprised, confused look.

"Hyung, do you..."

"Remember her? Us? Unfortunately not, I don’t. But I heard you guys talking earlier, I wasn't totally unconscious. Thanks for the herbs, by the way, they really appeased my headache."

Her eyes widened at his words. Had he heard everything? Did he know the whole story, just like his other soulmates? In a way, she didn't know if she could handle a new explanation, which was a bit of a relief. On the other, she was concerned about his reaction, since he was the one who was affected. 

Jin straightened up to sit on the sofa, helped by Jimin. Yoongi was still standing behind her and gave her a gentle nudge, so that she didn't push herself aside. 

Jin's eyes landed on her. For a moment, he said nothing, just looked at her. She could feel the stress twisting her stomach, her legs going limp as cotton. She felt weaker than she had ever felt before. 

"Can you come a little closer, please?" 

Jin's voice was soft; she perceived no anger, no resentment on his side. He had kept his comforting aura, the same one she'd known so long ago, the same one that had reassured her countless times. 

She soon faced him and lowered herself slightly to be at the same height as him. 

How was someone supposed to react to finding their soulmate and youthful amnesiac love, lost in tragic circumstances centuries ago? 

She was torn between tears of joy and relief, but the guilt that consumed her seemed to be the most dominant feeling at the moment. 

"Jin I..."

She pursed her lips. Her voice trembled. For sure her body would betray her right now. 

Jin offered him a tender smile and shook his head. 

"Shht, it's all right." he murmured his words as he gently grasped her hand, "come here."

Without waiting for a response from her, he pulled her against him and wrapped his arms around her. 

At first, her eyes widened in surprise. Quickly, she couldn't hold back any longer. Her arms followed and she hugged his waist as if her life depended on it. 

"I know what you're thinking," he began, his hand running gently through her hair, "I'm not angry or anything, how could I be? It was never your fault, nor mine." He paused before letting out a small sigh, she could hear all the pain, the sadness in his voice, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry you've had to carry this burden all alone all this time…"

Her whole body was shaking. His voice was shaking, as if he were holding back his own tears. She was fighting inside. She was fighting herself not to break down. But her traitorous body still betrayed her, and she couldn't even control her tears, which had started to flow uncontrollably. 

But his words. His words resonated not only in her heart but in her entire soul. She didn't know how much she needed to hear those words from him until now. 

"We'll find a way, and everything will go back to normal, it will be even better, I promise."

After all these years, these centuries of living with the weight of guilt, the weight of regret, the feeling that she'd never be able to meet her soul mates... she felt all this weight recede, making way for a quietude and lightness like she'd never known before. 

An eternity of torment, torture, and pain was finally over. 

It was as if she'd been deprived of oxygen all her life, until now, as if her breathing had been cut off, and now she was finally getting it back. 

And even though she was currently crying her heart out in Jin's arms, she could also feel Taehyung's warm, reassuring hand on her back, Jimin's, Jungkook's, and Yoongi's presence in the room, Namjoon's and Hoseok's, even if they weren't in the same room with them. 

Her cries were no longer cries of sadness. There was only relief, and it was becoming more of an evacuation from all that time of pain and isolation. 

All those smells, all that warmth that invaded her body at that moment, brought her calm and relief she'd never be able to explain, not even in a day, a year, ten years, or even a hundred years.

The reunion with Jin that day, feeling him against her again, as well as having the presence of her soul mates around them, those who were destined for her. After all this time where her heart and soul had been crying out for help, she had finally been heard. 

The darkness was finally disappearing, as the clouds and obscurity finally allowed the sun a chance to shine.

And despite her tears, she couldn't help smiling, because at last, she knew that happiness really was within her grasp.

[alexxncl]

NIGHTBRINGER LESSON 14 SPOILERS

masterlist | more theories

getting to see more of dia's background and the impostor syndrome he has bc of his father :(((((

also fake barbatos was a bitch during the Kingsblood crucible like i felt so bad for dia...and the way he greeted him right after they came back i would've cried on the spot just from whiplash

also the friend solomon was talking about was obviously thirteen, the stories are identical (love how solomon lied about not being the one who shrieked out of fear lmao)

but i wonder what was so bad about his childhood that he couldn't share...the whole being locked in a dark basement with one window is already bad enough like ???

i also think he killed his parents bc he didn't have any control over his magic and was forced to hide it, but what he's said so far kind of puts a fork in my "solomon was either lilith's lover or kid" theory so idk what to think anymore

[chocos-universe]

H.U.G.

Context: You can only hug ONE of the characters I'm going to mention

•Goliath-

14 years old, he is pure, innocent, humble and naive, he is too good for his own good, he believes that everyone is good and that there are no bad people, even though this is due to insecurity and fear of being alone, taking into account what I said earlier, today he is in the hospital, in serious condition, he only has 1 day to live, and even so, he doesn't blame anyone.

He has three cousins, Miguel, Elian and Ryan (Goliath also has a little sister, Mily), Elian had disappeared, so Ryan was left in charge of Miguel, but he made Miguel end up in a coma, and only uses Goliath as a punching bag, anyway, Goliath doesn't blame him, although because of him tomorrow he will die.

•Deyne-

he is honest and sincere, very kind and humble, he is a good cook... But let's take a look behind the curtains;

He has eaten human flesh, and has killed more than 1000 people, but there is a reason;

Abandoned at the age of 5, because his parents could no longer support him, he spent 10 years living in the alleys, killing people, eating them, trying to survive, finding food, Sometimes he would go weeks without eating anything, and other times he would eat what he found in the trash, or eat other animals that he found... until he found Loid, in a car accident, after his parents Having abandoned Deyne, they became rich, and had Loid, but they died in that accident. Deyne, just seeing the similarity between him and Loid, decided to take care of Loid, feeding him with human flesh as well. Until he was found and adopted by an orphanage, he was taught to read and write, and they took care of him and Loid, he was finally happy, until he hallucinated that Loid was in danger, so he killed everyone in the orphanage, and went back to the alleys. When he realized what he had done, he hugged Loid, and cried, in the rain.

•Deraki/abel-

Prince Abel, he is very loved by all people, his kingdom is very popular, but he is manipulated by his family, and he's always pretending to be someone he's not, because they never let him be himself, so he grew up doing that, but he can't stand it, so he started playing Leen's world, there, he is deraki_100, considered the worst player, he is annoying and an imbecile, but that is not really him, he wants to be happy, but he does not know how, and he does not know how to be himself.

and he has a best friend (poor), yhannai (has a split personality), yhannai's mother owes the king a lot of things, and she has no way to pay, Abel wants to help, but he will be punished if he helps.

When he leaves the game, he climbs on top of a store and cries.

(he has impostor syndrome)

(They're all very complex, and they're all very traumatized, but you can only hug one)

Deyne!!

I'll get eaten if I need to be✨️‼️

[abuddyforeveryseason]

This is the Buddy for April 10th. Today's Buddy's brought to you by the sin of pride. That's like, the main sin, Lucifer's sin, like in: "The sin of pride," the devil cried "is what will do you in."

"I thought we had this settled. I'm the best there's ever been."

Buddy himself, like everyone from Argentina, has quite a big ego. But I wouldn't say his friends are far behind:

I know a lot of people who share that sentiment. I wouldn't say I'm above it, either. There's also:

Yeah, I mean, I've got a bit of impostor syndrome. Even though I'm better than God himself, when I see that drawing, it looks like something a child could've made in less than a minute. The world needs more humble geniuses such as myself. Then again:

That's a fact.

There are basically two ways people can end up swallowed by their own egos. First, there's the type of person who assumes they're better than everyone and they just need a chance to show it. Those are the fame-hungry people who end up on reality shows and crap like that, to show off their mediocre skills and end up trashed by the hosts. Or, you know, the self-published authors whose epic sci fi saga "Gary Stu Versus The Evil Aliens that Look Like my High School Teachers" is available online. Negative reviews were written by jealous shills. Paul T. Goldman, from the Peacock documentary of the same name, is one of those.

Then there's the second type, the type I belong to. That's the type of person who's very aware everyone else thinks they're terrible, but that's because everyone else is stupid. So of course they won't love me. You don't expect swine to love pearls, right? They don't get how amazing I am because they're all braindead. So I don't expect all those morons to realize I'm amazing. After all, they're the ones who made garbage like Power Rangers, Fifty Shades of Grey, Jersey Shore and Limp Bizkit into worldwide successes.

Luckily, that means I can't lose. Any criticism directed towards me is actually a compliment in disguise. After all, if an idiot (i.e., 99.99% of the world population) dislikes me, I must be doing something right.

[fangirlsovertoomanythings]

being an exact sciences student is just a constant cycle of "wow calculus is so easy" *watches your calculus professor babble nonstop about theorems and rules you need to memorize or else you won't be able to do anything* *cries in impostor syndrome* *opens youtube and searches for your favorite free online math teacher* "wow calculus is so easy" *does an exercise* *cries in impostor syndrome* *remembers the rule you were supposed to use after failing repeatedly* *figures out the goddamn limit* "wow calculus is so easy"

[persimnon]

tagged by @bisexualbiancatruther: 3 song lyrics that make you cry :’)

honestly i rarely cry to music (this is purposeful, i try not to exacerbate my bad moods by listening to sad songs) BUT i will name 3 songs that i have cried to before

1. Pink in the Night by Mitski

2. Impostor Syndrome by Sidney Gish

3. Varúð by Sigur Rós

tagging: @dyketennant @rudiecantfail @orionhong @zephsthings and anyone else who feels so inclined

[corviids]

hi birdie! just saw your post about impostor syndrome hitting you and i just wanted to remind you what an excellent artist and writer you are. i know it's difficult to think so when impostor syndrome is at its highest, but i do hope this brings some comfort anyways! <3

as a writer, i cannot being to explain why your writings are out of this world, insane, crazy, wonderful. whatever emotion you try to go for, you achieve it in a way that it just clings to the reader's mind and carves a place in our bones. your dialogues, your world-building, the details, the characterisation, the sadness, the joy, the despair, the love, the yearning, the rage, the passion…. i've cried reading your writings, because they hit so hard in my heart that i just cannot stay quiet about it. and i have devoured your smut, and i have laughed with the lucemond kids' shenanigans. you have a way with words, you are so unique. i consume every single piece you publish, and i would consume any book of your own if you published, too. you were one of the first writers i read and followed when i came to this fandom and i just hope i can keep supporting you in anything you do.

as an artist, your talent knows no limits. that magic you have putting emotions into words, well, you also have it when you draw the faces of your characters. it's like looking at them in the eye, their smiles and the twitches and tilts you capture so well, and it feels like i'm looking at a real person with real emotions. i'm in love with your style, from the sketch to the colouring to the way i can see any of your art out of context and know it's yours. you have magic in your fingers, and daily dust in your soul and in your mind, and that's why every single piece you draw and you write is a treasure to be kept and protected, love and cherished.

personally, i know we haven't talked much, but you have been so kind to me. and i just love your sense of humor, your commitment, the way you treat with such respect and love your readers. how you give your heart to answer to our asks and questions just as you give it to create content.

we're very lucky to have you in this fandom, a nd i will always be grateful for every single thing that you have given us that has made me fell even more in love with lucerys, with aemond, with lucemond. with this site and with the culture of fan creating and providing.

you're a star, and i just hope i can continue to see how much you achieve as time goes by! we have your back! you don't know how much your writings and your art mean to people, and i know because i'm one of those and i have friends with whom i talked about your creations! you made hundreds of people from different places in the world to fall in love with what you do! i would say that's such a pretty neat job! <3 <3 <3

hope you feel better soon! i'm here if you ever need to talk! sending you the biggest hug and the best of vibes!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

i’ve waited a couple days to answer this because i’m genuinely speechless. i don’t cry very easily for reasons but reading this, especially after such a hard day, made me tear up. there really aren’t words to convey how grateful i am for everyone here that has supported my works. lucemond and this little community we have built have really became a safe space for me to ramble and share my stuff without fear.

i’m eternally grateful for every single person that send me asks, comments, or just comes round to check my stuff out. this is one of, if not the kindest things i’ve ever received and i hope that i can continue to make y’all as happy as you all make me <333

[rebuke-me]

*shoots at your feet like a cowboy* talk about deere. whore. - @pigeonwit

(dancing like a chicken with its head cut off) don't mind if i do

ur gonna get me talking abt the idea of deere playing jack and davey in newsies bc it makes me gnaw on both ideas like a dog toy

jake playing jack who has never played a big role in a show before (unless you count that one time in freshman year where he read for mercutio in english class but that doesnt count) and absolutely freaking the FUCK out about it. relating a little too hard to the idea of being Everything for Everyone all the time, being the brave one who keeps his head under pressure. going a little too all out during santa fe because he doesn't know how else to deal with the concept of oh god i also have no clue what i'm doing here, i don't want to be stuck here forever. jake who plays off the fact that he cried onstage by saying that he just taught himself how to stage cry (he didn't)

jeremy playing davey and having INTENSE impostor syndrome, because why is he picked for a big role? but there's something so personal about the way that davey acts, the one who wants to have all the answers but falls flat sometimes because his heart is too damn big for his brain, and vice versa. jeremy who wants really, really badly to live up to everyone's expectations, to keep his head, to not let his emotions get the best of him.

also i think they'd bring horridly covered up homosexual energy to the two of them. u watch them and you're like are they about to hit each other or kiss. the answer is the latter.

(also if u like this concept im doing a shameless plug of never acting at all by urs truly)

[midnightfire830]

How would you describe the questers in type villain AU? Would you say that Cuphead has problems with his ego or a crippling self-esteem that he hides behind so many facades he develops impostor syndrome from it all? Would Mugman be even more of a bitter guy in this AU cause he lost his brother and that’s like the only other person he keeps close in his life and now he has to cut it and it hurts a lot and he kinda cries about it sometimes? What’s Cala doing? About the B brothers? Are they just giving and watching the world burn in the form of two cup-headed brothers squabbling? Would this story have a happy ending or is someone dying?

Ah! I have a second for my lunch break!!! Speed type!!

Mugman in this is very cold and calculating. He misses his brother dearly and some days regret what he did, but that bridge was already burned. There is no chance for them to reconcile at this point. The development of his brother turning into a greedy monster makes it harder for him to create relationships with other people in fear that they’ll leave too. But when he does create a relationship with someone he holds on tight. Cala is a good example. Cala was caught by fishermen and thrusted into the black market. (Much like what happened to her and Alice in the dark circus) at some point Mugman found her and helped her escape. They became inseparable since.

Cuphead’s problem isn’t so much with his ego, its with his greed. Knowing when enough is enough. That’s what drove him to this point, needing more. More power. More money. Because up until then he was never enough. He was willing to risk anything to gain more. Even his own morality. And loo where that brought him.

The Bbros are an entirely different story (these two are probably my favorites out of the backstories I’ve created). Boris doesn’t know but Bendy knows what’s going on with the cupbros and how it had come to this. Cuphead and Bendy oftentimes work pretty closely, they’re not exactly friends, moreover acquaintances through work. Cuphead and Mugman rarely see each other. Maybe once or twice they happened to be in the same room and in those cases it ended in disaster. But not frequently enough to cause problems. Don’t worry.

I’m not sure about an ending. This is kind of just a “what-if” so that I could devise how these characters would become what they fear the most. So I haven’t put too much thought into it.

Thanks for the questions!!!!

[ichabodcranemills]

oh how quickly the human mind forget.

(People are congratulating me on my graduation and my dumb brain is immediately going ‘oh it wasn’t that hard 😕 so much unearned praise 😕’

Hey! Remember how you studied so hard for the bar exam you cried? Remember how you had stress induced fever during your final assignment? Remember how you were clinically depressed during the pandemic and your grades didn’t drop? Save the fucking impostor syndrome for another moment and take the compliment you dumbass)

[astriiformes]

Had my little not-really-an-audition for one of the non-music major campus orchestras tonight and went home and immediately cried (big, good emotion version) about it actually 😭

I've obviously kept playing since high school, but I haven't been in an orchestra since I graduated back in 2015, in part because I know my skills aren't where they once were when I was playing in class almost every day at school and taking private lessons. And I've been really self-conscious about it for years -- I love viola, and I love making music with other people, but it's hard feeling like I've gotten worse at something I used to have some real skill in (and that's so important to me!)

But today, waiting outside the audition room and chatting with the other students about how we're all excited to play together, I wasn't thinking about any of that. And even though I didn't play the excerpt I prepared as well as I'd been hoping, I wasn't nearly as bent up about that as I thought I'd be -- instead I'm just thinking about how I'm going to get to play in an orchestra again and how much I've missed this.

I'm so glad I'm finally kicking some of my insecurity and diving back into really investing in my playing again -- I want to keep playing at school, and find a way to do lessons, and get some of that skill I used to have back, and maybe even then some! It'sso hard to keep playing as an adult and I've let myself get awfully discouraged, at least about the idea that I could ever be good again or do anything but drag an ensemble down. But viola and orchestra are just such an important part of who I am, and sitting out in the hall of the music building with other musicians tonight genuinely felt like coming home.

(And I would be remiss not to muse a little about how going to conventions as Raine this summer is being a real part of why I took the leap and signed up to join one of the school ensembles this semester -- it sounds funny, but "borrowing" the confidence of a fictional violist I love and having people be so enthusiastic about it has done wonders for helping me battle the impostor syndrome-y part of my brain that's made me feel like I'm a bad musician for years. Ironically, I think they've really helped me tackle some of my own stage fright that's been holding me back for so much of my adult life, and I have..... a lot of feelings about that)

[greypetrel]

Hello! 💙 10,12,15 and 33? (if you want to and feel comfortable sharing, obviously) ✨

Hello there! 💜

Yeah, not entering much into details in public and outing myself as "Boring queer" but...

(also don't know how much this will be new for you but oh well you know where to find me xD)

10. Something that gives you gender euphoria (whether you’re cis or trans):

Boringly cis, here… Not very girly or gender euphoric, but. Dressing up and putting up a good outfit, colours matching. SWIRLY SKIRTS, particularly if they have pockets. (I own one skirt I LOVE, it's big and swirly and it has pockets, I'm considering a petticoat to make it poofy and going full '50s new look style. It gives me lots of casual Cinderella vibes and oh man. IT HAS POCKETS. BIG ONES THAT FIT A CELLPHONE.)

12. Name some queer artists/bands or songs you like most:

*after the necessary "I haven't ever listened to music once in my life no thoughts head empty" moment*

QUEEN. I have one Freddie Mercury in every space I inhabit. I have two in my bedroom, one is hanging in my studio right in front of my desk. Queen had been a big and important part of my teen years. I am not a person who cries at movies/music, but put on The Show Must Go On or press play on Bohemian Rhapsody (the movie; i know it has flaws and it's dramatised but still) and watch me crumble. My favourite song of them tho… I can't choose one. Fat Bottomed Girl? But shit, Innuendo is just… A mindblown. I always clean my house with I Want to Break Free blasting on because I'm a basic bitch and that's mandatory.

David Bowie came into my life later but in stride, he's equally important, he's been the one celebrity death I felt like a blow (still can't listen to his last album without crying). Rebel Rebel is a favourite of mine but out of personal affection, the soundtrack of Labyrinth is the closest to my heart (that whole movie).

Janis Joplin. And with her my big favourite is Me and Bobby McGee (Freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose 🎶*sings*)

I just discovered that Florence Welch is apparently bi too, so FLORENCE + THE MACHINE. The list of favourites is long but… Which Witch? Queen of Peace? Free? Morning Elvis? Can't choose, ARGH.

… I have the music taste of an old man, yes. Also I have the bad tendency in not getting much informations over artists if I'm not EXTREMELY hyperfixated, and it's a little since the last time I was hyperfixated with a band. It may be that other artists I regularly listen to are queer but I don't know. Again, I discovered Florence is queer writing this answer, oops.

15. How has your identity changed over time?

I had not many close contacts with the community until university, so I just assumed I was straight and never really thought about it much. Being demi ultimately didn't help me put two and two together any sooner, and without the proper terms and words… It was all very misty. So:

Straight > … People shipping me with a friend who is a girl don't bother me. Maybe… > No no, straight. Uh-uh. Just an ally. > Maybe bi-romantic, yeah, that maybe fits if I'm not having impostor syndrome, I won't tell anyone tho, I'm not sure. > "Hi friend of a friend who's very evidently flirting with me, WHY. You don't even know me. You have everything I should like but… WHY. This is overreacting, I'm sure you're getting something wrong it's too soon. Nobody is that much into someone else so soon in real life, this is fake and you're mocking me, right?" > … let me check the ace spectrum… > Demisexual. > Bi-romantic I said? No no Bisexual, definitely, still with a foot in the ace spectrum but oh shit why the girls I befriended and developed crushes on are all straight WHY.

(in all this I know that there are many people I know IRL that realised before I did. Hi, hello, I hope it was amusing to watch. x°D)

33. What about your LGBT identity do you feel proud of/ want to recognize/celebrate?

For my mental health, but also for the one of many other people: Being a valid queer person even if unable to go to Pride (they're a huge trigger for me, I'll start panicking before walking), or out with everyone or with relationship to prove it.

And the bisexual inability to sit down straight and composed without our joints falling off. That's a superpower we should be proud of. u_u

Jokes aside, I think there's some poetry in saying "I like people for being people, gender is secondary", and as much biphobia there is around… It's a good message to give.

[straightfacedstrangeness]

I was already having crazy levels of impostor syndrome at this convention and my dad invited a literal movie star to have dinner with us?? and she’s YOUNGER than me???? what the fuck. if you don’t hear back from me again it’s cus I cried myself Spongebob-dry over how pretty she is or something

[kandidandi]

Impostor syndrome is quite a sus diagnosis, take this external affirmation of value.

huirfvniufrvkjn cries and sobs and wails thank you i just having a hard time drawing right now