#cried for like three hours
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Minor tw///
I really really want to take a tranquilizer for my anxiety
#had an anxiety attack during the last ten minutes of the test#cried for like three hours#and the entire day my mood is off#and I keep tearing up#however I’m not allowed to take any meds#but this is srsly taking me out#:(#pew pew
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Marcille bites falin
#cannibalism as a metaphor for love#she wants to taste falin stew again#when falin isn’t looking she takes a little nibble it’s like looney tunes#also falin nibbles Marcille’s ears but Marcille doesn’t like it#Marcille draws blood on accident and then cries for three hours while apologizing#farcille#dungeon meshi#marcille donato#delicious in dungeon#falin touden#yuri#falin and marcille making out sloppy style
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how dare he look like this in the middle of a seven hour unending marathon of indignity and suffering on my part
#the last ten minutes lasted three hours#i cried at my partner and he told me to turn it off#he asked what it was about and the answer is the eternal torment of me. personally.#im going to hold db in my teeth and shake him like a rat#depressive turtleneck and cocaine and illegally fluffy hair and all#the face of an angel#sixdemon nonsense#my own personal screenshot. btw. if you even care. i rewound it to get it lol. kill me#daniel brühl
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One time when I was an RA in college a bunch of first year students were playing around with a Ouija board and freaked out because they summoned the demon Zozo. The RA for that building eventually had to have her priest uncle come and exorcise/bless the dorm and it was fine. Every resident encounter had to be officially documented, police report style, and so at some point after all this I was sat in a lecture hall with all the other RAs while our bosses lectured us on the proper way to handle a demon summoning
#don't know why i just remembered this#once we got called in for a meeting where our three adult bosses cried at all the RAs for an hour bc the student body didn't like them#once a really drunk naked girl called the duty phone for help & i cleaned the puke off her‚ then got written up for touching a naked person#they were like 'we would have totally done the same thing you did but we still need to write you up' 🙃#I'm still salty about that. she needed help#new college was not a real fucking place#me
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my heart was so heavy today but i saw dan and phil again tonight after eight years and i just love them so much i have a lot of feelings… i needed that so bad ❤️🩹
#literally cried seeing them again#they revived their channel right before the rest of bts enlisted last year#so i’ve pretty much spent this year with them again and it’s been so familiar and comforting#HOURS rewatching their sims series backwards it took me months lol#just to fill the void#i’ve been with them for 12 years bro#they are home to me#as much as one direction was home to me too#the timing of this has all been so insane#everything is intertwined#i love all these people deeply#i don’t take them for granted at all#like if you asked me my big three constants#in this life it would probably be dan and phil and 1d and now bts#so to have dnp be there when i need them in such low moments more than once this last year#it’s a lot and it really caught up to me today#i was so emotional
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I was wondering how their eyes are similar but also how the differences would work~
#trainer kieran#trainer drayton#Rival Kieran#elite four drayton#They are like...... Snake ans dragon and i think sm about them.........#Tbh generally I think Kieran has bigger eyes but I wanted to find some other way to figure out how different they feel#Does it make sense????#Idk???????????#I spent three hours on this now brb I cri bc I didn't do anything else today#:((((#Watch me and my fail art
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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I’ve been losing a lot of weight since February because of my declining mental health and my inability to want to eat and my coworkers keep commenting on my weight (in a positive way) and it just ends up making me feel more sad because they don’t know I’m struggling…
#personal#weight mention tw#And of course I don’t have the heart to tell them to stop.#I just grin and bear it and I’m like ‘Thank you! 😊’ out loud.#Three of my coworkers commented it today and one of them literally said ‘All that weight is falling off of you.’#I almost cried in my car on my lunch hour because they just don’t know!!!#I’m too depressed and have no energy to make food and I’m anxious to eat because I’m afraid I’ll thr*w up.#So that’s where I’m at in life. 🤪
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So...I am forever changed! Sleep Token is incredible!
#i cried like 5 times#it was phenomenal#worth the 4 hour drive#and standing in the sun for three hours#sleep token#teeth of god tour asheville#teeth of god tour
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(´・ᴗ・ ` )
#Alright lil blog update. Running the reblogs queue again tonight (yay!). Been procrastinating it for like? four months now?#I'm not going to fix the order anymore in a crazy pattern that only I can see. And like the point as always been#“it's only for myself‚ because I like seeing the posts all ordinately lined up ☺️”. But it does start being a problem when.#It actually blocks me from reblogging alltogether. Or makes me end up with 978 posts in the queue and 15584 in the drafts#(lol) (yeah)#Anyways had to write it down publicly because last time I said “screw it I'm not going to post in order anymore”#I lasted exactly one (1) day#Mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh#I need to make space in the queue so I've set 20 posts in the night / morning for the time being.#Probably going to tag less because again. the posts are piling up. Sorry everyone#So like... After this string of disappointing (and possibly irrelevant?) updates. Feel free to unfollow me etc. etc.#(Mututals included? I really hold no bad feeling I know I post a lot. I don't care about mutualism if we're friends we're friends)#Have a nice day / night!!!#random rambles#Btw for anyone wondering my previous queue lineup was 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts / 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts etc.#(other category could be like. gifsets together. analysis together. textposts of approximately the same length together etc. )#And fanarts had to be coherent between each other for characters / composition / oftentimes color palette#Anyways. Winning over ocd today 💪💪#(I say as I didn't pick this month specifically because the second half of the year starts together with it. Anyways)#ManBreakingChainsMeme.png#Edit: Just remembered this all started because I accidentally hit shuffle queue two or three weeks ago#When it happened I had a mental breakdown and cried for two hours but looking back. Maybe it was really godsent
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ttrpgs fuck you up
everyone says “try out dnd”, including me but dude believe me, dnd fucks you up, ttrpgs fuck you up
there’s this person in your head and you can only scream about them to the other five idiots with their own little guys in their heads
and sometimes you can’t even scream at them because first you have to reveal the backstory you came up with and you don’t want to do that immediately
ttrpgs fuck you up because they make you daydream about your little guy and what happened with them AND YOU CAN’T STOP THE THOUGHTS
try out dnd (or any other ttrpg), they say… but what they don’t say is that it’s all emotional damage
and the worst part of it is that you enjoy every fucking minute of that emotional damage
ttrpgs fuck you up.
#last night’s vtm session was a fucking rollercoaster#i can’t stop thinking about it#we started with a tattooing session andit was absolutely cute because the npc was a sweetheart and my character got a tattoo#a little line art#based on her pet rats#and then shit hit the fucking fan#we owed an npc and she asked us to investigate why her runner guy haven’t got back yet#he was supposed to get back with the fugitives hours before#and shit really hit the fan when we got to the meeting point#the guy was dead#the fugitives too#they were fucking massacred#and the runner guy was burned to final death#and my character saw them die in a vision#and the vision was like a fucking epilepsy attack#because i had to roll a rouse check and it was a fail#which meant that cassandra (my character) was bleeding from her hand and feet and forehead because she’s a fucking stigmata#and then the other roll was a messy critical#she saw the whole thing in all red#and then one of the hunters who killed the three of them throw a fucking molotov cocktail on us#one of us almost died#we fought him and i drained him so he died#my humanity level haven’t changed but the thought that cass killed a guy was there#and then the secret kindred radio announced simon’s death because he was also a malkavian the host played a song for his sister#cry little sister by chvrches#i cried and i’m still thinking about it and crying a little because it really fucked me up#vampire the masquerade#vtm#san antonio by night#i am not okay
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Happy STS Elli!
What inspires you to write? Are there things that you know that you can get inspiration from or does it just come randomly?
Happy STS!
For me, inspiration doesn't mean "to write".
There are, and always have been, a lot of stories floating around in my mind - ideas, scenes, vibes, outlines. I get inspiration from literally everywhere, from talking to my friends, and video games, and scrolling past images or prompts, and reading books, and spending too much time on reddit, and…
Many remain daydreams, or character backstories, eventually lost to time.
Now for actually being able to sit my ass down and get words on the page? I don't know. It comes and goes as it pleases. Having a beehive where a brain should be does NOT help, let me tell you that.
I just. Can't focus on shit lately. Can barely make it through a chapter when reading. Every day is just suddenly over, and I got nothing done, and I am so tired. I have a completely outlined short thing I have been trying to write since Nov, and it's like pulling teeth.
I could do with several months off work while everyone leaves me the fuck alone. How would that be.
#salad-ask#aria-benedetto#sts ask#I cried new year's because after having 1 (one) day of my vaction actually completely to myself#Which was after I already didn't get any quiet time on my LAST three attempts at taking time off because someone was sick at home#And spending most of all that time just working (in my time off) and cleaning the depression piles#My mom berated me for instantly refusing to come over for some 'if I die you need to know where stuff is' talk#(note: there's no reason to think she might anytime soon and she was talking about like... a cd collection)#'You always have something!!!'#I don't know anymore how to get people to understand how fucking exhausted I am.#I'm about to let the stupid paint course voucher from work lapse because in a year I didn't find a motive I like and the energy to even#consider wasting 3 hours of my life after work to produce some physical object I have no room for while having to run to get there on time#Not to mention people!! A room full of people!!#I've just become sooo sensitive to noise lately I can't even stand to be in the kitchen when the fridge hums#And you're always always always the bad guy if you close the door in someone's face because they're whistling or watching tv or calling#It's cool :) Sorry I was being unsocial :) Lemme just quickly slam my head against a wall until I pass out :)#So uh anyway happy STS writing has been going well
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#I don't know how to do this#I don't know how to fucking do this#I had a fucking Hours long crying breakdown after my parents left today#bc i'll never be fucking good enough for them#but if I say anything then we're acknowledging it and maybe it's better to not acknowledge it#maybe we just go back to ignoring the distance#if I say anything then I’m the bad guy again#I don't want to have to do this I don't want to have to keep being the one who steps forward first#I just want to stop trying and let it be what it is and let it hurt in a dull distant way#i've started crying again just from thinking about it#and I don't cry. I haven't cried more than like a light sniffle in three years until today#(bc of antidepressants)#I don't know what to do#I don't want to make it worse I don't want to hurt her feelings I don't want to be the one that starts shit#and I knoowwww I’m gaslighting myself bc she trained me to do this and I Cannot ignore the. two hour bathtub sob#but god what if I *am* the problem what if I *am* instigating and actually we had a good day#what if I’m expecting too much from her and this is better so maybe this is as good as it gets#do I bear it? do I bear it because she can't?#I know it's not fair and I know i'm hurting but maybe that's better than her hurting#do I just carry it for both of us?#I’m not a kid anymore I don't have that excuse#maybe this is womanhood. carrying it so your mother doesn't have to#she's carrying it for my grandmother. maybe this is just it.#I don't know. I don't know what to do.#I’m so fucking tired and it hurts#whatever.#vent#sad kids with bad moms club
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Feeling extra unwell about Felix
#i cried like three times in the last 12 hours and i'm about to cry again and i can't really articulate why#i think it's “feeling lonely” + “feeling possessive over a hyperfixation” + “feeling inadequate 'cause why am i so obsessed with this”#i just hate when like#i can tell my emotions are kinda irrational but i can't stop feeling them anyway#does this make sense
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#ok tag rant time yay#cus i need to process some shit#soooo the big thing is ajdhfnfhdk pretty girl!!! yay!!!!! and first time for that!!!!!!!! we matched on an app last friday#got coffee the next morning then met up again monday night (implied fun things) then in the wednesday morning shit show she came over just#to sit with me and so everything could be ok for a while and i felt the safest I ever have#which is a big deal because last time i had that feeling i was with the guy i like and one of my best friends sleeping on the floor because#little tiny college beds dont fit three people and then they left me on the floor to sleep in one bed together and i cried a lot#then they essentially kicked me out of the polycule and started dating soooo :) yeah#good to replace that with a (absolutely fucking gorgeous) pretty girl holding onto me while the world falls apart#and yeah she's sosososo prettyyyyy she has such nice dark long hair and really pretty eyes and she's literally#6 feet tall (which. ajdhdjfndbsmdjcjfj.) and she's the biggest nerd omg i had a like 2 hour conversation with her and her gf about star trek#its great#we're moving sapphic fast lol which is a lot but im obsessed with her a bit#did i mention shes so pretty? its fr like that one tiktok sound about a hot girl and her little gay boyfriend#oh and she came over again last night and i think im gonna dieeee lol i never realized how much of a physical touch person i am before#i mean i knew i liked it a lot but i just do not want to let go. at all. ever. i miss her#this is what i mean by bisexual so gay for men and women and it happens liek the stereotypes for both#sadly she's already mentioned maybe having to move because of everything and i really don't want that#but i guess we'll try it for as long as we can#overall though yay yay yay!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Cyberpunk 2077 is my favorite anti-capitalist game that I spent 70 dollars to play
#like is it worth 70 dollars#I Guess?#I know it took years and so many people to actually put this game together#and the basegame and dlc for seventy dollars total is such a steal in comparison to say#a certain life simulator game I play#but the actual game Cyberpunk in itself is so inaccessible already#like my gaming laptop can run the sims with all dlc and custom content on ultra graphics EASY#buy trying to run cyberpunk even on the lowest graphics is like#ROUGH#and like paying 70 dollars for the LOWEST graphics setting is pretty mid#like yeah they got Keanu Reeves as the cool brain parasite#but that only speaks to me on a personal level because I have a mental health issue that causes me to have Keanu Reeves as a brain parasite#in my actual real life#the story is so great but there’s so many side quests that no matter how many hours I play the game for I’ll never actually COMPLETE it#cyberpunk is my FAVORITE game and I do NOT regret buying it bc the story is there the world is there the characters are there#but it feels so superficial knowing I spent a quarter of my paycheck to spend 30 hours being like#‘that’s right Johnny Silverhand we should fuck em up’#i think it’s more that cyberpunk feels like a story the world really needs right now#but it’s only accessible to such a niche group of people#especially since the game got so much hate on launch#and yeah there is the anime now but the anime doesn’t even TOUCH a VAST MAJORITY of night city#the anime doesn’t have the same depth and wonder that the game has because the game is about a city and the show is about 1 group of people#cyberpunk 2077 really resonated with me in such a unique way and I love it so much I can’t even begin to describe my hyperfixation#but the graphics and first person camera give me motion sickness#and my wallet cried for three days when I bought the game#and so much of the actual political ideology is lost on me Because of the price point#I’m gonna play it anyway tho bc I’ve never seen my own brain parasites represented as video game characters before#twink speaks#Twink plays cyberpunk 2077#not cc
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