#cried for about a half hour after community was done

[calypsocolada]

RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT ME | g. tomioka

(this is part two! click here for part one)

synopsis: you left without saying goodbye, giyu needs to know why... author's note: hellllooooo. the reaction to part one of this story was incredible. i cannot thank any of you enough for your kind words seriously. this one is for all of you <3 (psst... to all the swifites, if you can point out two other song references besides rwylm you get a gold star) cw: ANGST (lol like there wasn't enough in the first part), blood, gore, spoilers about rengoku, HAPPY ENDING, not proofread wc: 4.2k

click here for my masterlist

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There was nothing more frustrating than lack of communication. As much as he wished he could read your mind, as much as he begged and pleaded to deaf ears you were just one hard shell to fully crack open. Though Giyu supposed he was probably the same. But at least he was making an effort. He thought you’d make one too. 

But as Giyu sat cross legged at a Hashira meeting he could meet all their eyes but yours. You didn’t spare him a glance like you spared him your time those few weeks ago. Almost a month and a half now and for some reason Giyu couldn’t stop counting the days, the hours and minutes. 

45 days since you knocked at his door. 

1,080 hours since you grabbed him, your cheeks wet as you pressed your lips to his. 

64,800 minutes since Giyu woke up in the morning to an empty bed. 

It never got easier. Each day was like this stabbing pain in his chest. A persistent feeling of desertion. He’d thought things had changed since that night. The night you cried and cried and kissed and kissed. 

He wrote you letter after letter but no response. Now here you were in the same room, in a room filled with others but Giyu only felt your presence. Like a heightened sense that haunted him so stunningly that he wondered if your lack of attention would actually kill him. As if he overdosed on it once and now he’d never be able to wean himself off you.�� 

You were so close, only maybe three feet from him but you felt worlds away. Could he have done something wrong? Showed too many of his cards too soon? Scared you off? Sure you reciprocated his kisses, in fact you were the initiator. But when it came to a verbal confession there was nothing for Giyu to latch onto. No words, just your actions. But your actions betrayed you. You treated him as if that night never even happened. For 45 days. It was like torture. To want something so badly, to have it for a fleeting moment then lose it. Giyu was losing it.  

“Mr. Tomioka?” Your voice was like a shot of ice through his veins. Giyu blinked the fogginess from his brain and cleared his throat. Your attention was on him. The room is empty. Giyu hadn’t noticed the meeting had ended. Didn’t notice everyone leaving. 

“Hmm?” He forced out, his eyes sliding to yours. Mr. Tomioka? Even before everything you called him Giyu. But now… you addressed him as though he was some stranger. A room alone, a room with you. He could say what was on his mind finally. 

“Did you pay attention in the meeting?” You asked. Giyu stared at you. You were looking at him. After 45 days of starving for your attention he found himself unable to act normally with it on him now. 

“Hmm…? Oh! Uh— yes…” Giyu stuttered out, feeling hopelessly useless. Feeling utterly ridiculous. 

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow.” You said coldly, turning to leave. 

“Wait-“ Giyu stepped forwards. Tomorrow? What was tomorrow? A talk? An explanation for your icy treatment? You turned, threw him a look over your shoulder. It was like you read his confusion. As if you knew he paid zero attention in the meeting. 

“The training grounds near your house. We’ll meet at sunrise.” You said and then your eyes lingered a second before you turned and left. Giyu found himself stuck still even a couple minutes after you left. Like his legs had forgotten their purpose. In fact, those 45 days he’d been right where you left him. A hopeless, nearly broken man. Stuck back in the time he had you. Haunting his house and his training grounds and everywhere he stood. You seemed to have moved on, seemed to maybe have even forgotten about the fleeting moment. Was that all it was to you? A fleeting moment? Maybe even a severe lapse of judgment? Something like that couldn’t have been a declaration of love. Giyu could and had been thinking himself in circles. He wished he said more. Wished he said less. Ran through everything over and over. Replayed it so often the record was starting to skip.    

Giyu tossed and turned all night. He didn’t sleep even a wink. You wanted to talk. Maybe explain things. Giyu knew whatever it was that kept you so far from him he was willing to work through to find a solution. He was willing to crumble your walls. Or wait. If you’d just verbally ask him to wait he’d pause his life forever for you. He’d become a ghost. Time could come and go on for everybody else but he’d wait diligently for you. He’d wait like the moon and chase after you like the sun. If only you’d just give him a damn reason. 

Giyu turned, the moon shining through a crack in his curtains. His eyes drifted to the empty spaces beside him. The same space he’d left empty since you vacated it. With splayed fingers he touched the spot of his bed and willed himself to remember that night. As if he’d ever forget it in the first place. He was restless so he moved out of bed and to his desk. He pulled out a few letters. Some from Rengoku and some from Kagaya. Both with the same topic. Giyus favorite topic. You. 

Giyu carefully slid open the first letter he ever received from Rengoku. He felt a pang just merely looking at the older man’s handwriting. All jagged and loud. He smiled as he reread its contents. 

-

Good morning Mr. Tomioka!

I was shocked to see you had written to me but pleasantly surprised! I am doing well, how’re you? I heard you are well on your way to becoming the next water hashira! How exciting! I know we’ve only met a few times but you have the demeanor of a water hashira. You seem cool and collected! You have a calm voice and although it’s hard to hear you sometimes I still appreciated our talks! About your interest in my tsuguko; she is doing well. She is very fiery. I could see her becoming the next fire Hashira. She sort of reminds me of you in the way she speaks. Though sometimes I can get her to raise her voice and it’s quite adorable. It would be lovely if you visited her. I’m sure she’d love to see you again after you saved her life. But if you’re too busy that is fine, I can always just write you with updates about her. Maybe I can even try and get her to write you a letter sometime! Anyways, Mr. Tomioka, hope this letter finds you well! 

With regards, Kyojuro Rengoku

-

Giyu laughed at the ink splotch on the paper next to Rengoku’s name. It was a common theme in his letters. Probably wrote sort of hard. Giyu carefully closed the letter and opened the last letter Rengoku ever wrote. 

-

Good morning Mr. Tomioka! 

Congratulations on becoming the water Hashira! The other hashira’s seemed sort of bummed you weren’t able to make it to the little celebration but I knew that kind of thing just isn’t your style so I decided to write you this letter instead. I knew you had a fiery streak somewhere in you! We all do! I have a mission coming up and saw that you have one too! I would like for you to let my tsuguko accompany you on your mission! I think she could use a bit of quiet in her life. She’s always go go go! Just like me! But I think you two could get along very very well, Mr. Tomioka! I think she thinks of you fondly. I once asked her about the boy who saved her and I am pretty sure she blushed! Ha-ha! Don’t be disheartened by her cold attitude, as long as she doesn’t verbally attack you that means you might be in her good graces! She’s come a long way, I see sparks of softness in her that I hope you’ll appreciate. She loves miso soup and sweet potatoes, she gets it from me! She loves to read and can’t get enough of the ocean so be sure after your mission to take her swimming. It could be a date! You think I don’t know why you often write asking me about her, right? I’ll pretend I don’t! She’s not much of a talker like you but she listens and remembers everything you say. That mind’s like a steel trap! Please take care of her and I’ll tell her to play nice though I’m not sure she knows how to! Ha-ha! Only kidding. Be safe, Mr. Tomioka and good luck on your first mission as a Hashira! 

With regards, Kyojuro Rengoku

-

Giyu still blushes as he reads the letter. Rengoku knew Giyu’s intentions even though he was sure he was being discreet. He carefully folded the letter back up and as he did a hint of the rising sun peaked its way through his curtains. He sprung up from his seat. He couldn’t be late in meeting with you so he hurriedly got dressed and tumbled his way out of his home. He rounded the corner to the training field and stopped dead in his tracks. 

You were there. 

You were actually there. 

Your sword clutched tightly in your hand as you swung it to and fro, practicing against a ghostly opponent. Giyu watched you. He blinked for a moment and saw Rengoku, in the way you swung your sword, the way you moved, the way your haori flew behind you, like flames licking the air. Rengoku taught you everything you knew and you applied his fighting style with grace and ease. Giyu honestly had never seen you in a battle. And his breath halted as he watched the confidence in your demeanor. Watched the sure way you’d swing, the velocity and speed. The preciseness. You were definitely Rengoku’s tsuguko. In fact, maybe you were even more than that. Almost like his shadow, his predecessor. And you held that title with grace. Giyu almost felt choked up knowing damn well Rengoku was more than proud of you. 

“Just gonna stand there all day?” You asked, your swing coming through to slice clean through a practice dummy. One half falling to the dirt, kicking up dust. Giyu found himself unable to speak once again as you turned. That attention too much to bear. You hiked up your brow and pointed your sword in his direction. “Well, are you ready to spar?”

“Spar?” Giyu echoed as you nodded your head, walking like a predator towards him.

“Where’s your sword?”

“That’s why you’re here?”

“Why else would I be?” You asked, eyes daring him to mention things you clearly wanted to forget. Giyu blinked through the breaking of his heart. He’d never felt pain like this. Never knew someone could ignite such warmth then douse it in icy cold water. He never thought you of all people would stab him clean through. Giyu turned just as his emotions were too much to hide. He walked and grabbed his sword, waited a moment to try and gather his composure before returning back a few feet from you. 

There was something in your eyes. He knew this sight was probably the last thing every single demon that had crossed you had seen for themselves. Eyes like fire, you morphed in front of his eyes into the flames that danced with your techniques. 

You took the first swing, your movement like the flickering. Your strikes felt hot, as if his skin would sear completely off. Giyu controlled his feelings, he pushed them to the side and met your violence of fire with the calmness of water. Metal clanged, and although you’d killed him moments ago with your words you brought him straight back to life with the way you fought. You’d found yet another thing for him to fall in love with. 

Damn you. 

After several minutes passed and one final swing you both stepped back. It was clear it was a draw. Not a single time did someone pull ahead and leave the other in the dust. Each strike was met with an equal block. You two were an equal match. For a moment you two just stared at each other, dripping in sweat, the sun and heat finally rising. You reached up and wiped your forehead with the back of your arm and sighed.

“So it’s a draw.” You said and Giyu nodded his head. A silent moment passed before you pulled your eyes from his and walked to your stuff. Giyu watched. Watched you pack up your things and give a halfhearted wave to him as you walked back towards the road.

“That’s it?” Giyu called out suddenly. He swore he saw you flinch.

“Either Obanai or Shinazugawa will be here tomorrow for the same match.” You called over your shoulder. The cold shoulder you’d given him for so long. 46 days now. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Giyu took a step but you resumed walking. “What did I do?”

“Have a good day, Mr. Tomioka.” You said and the moment you were out of sight Giyu tore off after you. 

-

46 days ago you’d been laying next to Giyu Tomioka. You’d woke up early and in the morning light you could see his face again. He looked at peace as he slept beside you, his arms around you, his breathing light. You reached across the small expanse between you two and tucked his raven black hair out of his face. Giyu moved barely in his sleep and you yanked your hand away, shy as though he’d catch you admiring him. As though you hadn’t just spent the night together. Once he settled you gazed at him. Something, you knew what it was now, bloomed in your chest. Was this something you could truly have? To kill demons and go home to someone like him at the end of the day? Home… what would that even be like? What would that even look like for you? Slowly you sat up in his bed, covers falling from your shoulders, pooling at your torso. 

Everyone you had ever loved died horribly. You felt as though a curse was placed upon you. Penance for the deaths of your family.

Ever since Rengoku had died there was this thought that haunted you. A sort of prophecy you felt had cursed your very being. No matter how many times you thought about leaving Rengoku there was no way to ever go back and board that train with him. No way to deny his request and maybe even save his life. Would you have been useful or would you have been a hindrance? Would your presence have even changed a thing or were you just destined to love and lose? Your eyes flicked to Giyu, face barely illuminated by the sun rising. 

If you stayed in this bed would you watch him die as well? Just the thought made you physically sick to the stomach. You felt like a kid stuffed into a hiding place all over again. A helpless, useless kid.

If you let yourself love him and be with him, the pain of losing him might actually do you in for good. And if you left right now… would that save his life from the curse placed upon you? 

Turns out you're quite self sabotaging after all. And by morning you slipped out of his house, tearing back towards the inn, running with your tail between your legs.

-

“Do I not deserve an explanation?” Giyu called out to you, you'd almost made it to the end of his house. You paused, turning.

“Leave it.” You answered lethargically. 

“Did you even read my letters?”

“What letters?” You asked and when your eyes found his face the utter pain on it made your stomach drop. 

“I wrote to you… many times. Your crow should’ve delivered it to you.” Giyu explained, his face utterly disheartened. You glanced at your crow, who’d been curiously pecking at some bugs in the distance.

“I never received them.” You answered and clenched your jaw. You deserved to see him hurt. The pain you caused him was something you wouldn’t let yourself look away from this time. Giyu haori swayed slightly in the wind, he couldn’t meet your eyes. 

“Tell me what to do.” Giyu says and you blink at him, your brows furrowing. 

“What?”

“I’ll wait. I’ll let dust collect over my life until you wish to have me back.” 

“I don't want that.” You said with a start. You clench your jaw, forcing yourself back into some composure. “I want you… to… go on ahead.” Slowly Giyu raises his eyes to meet yours. 

“What do you mean?”

“I could never feel the same way you feel for me. So I want you to move on.” You said and kept your eyes glued to him as you said it. You didn’t let one smallest ounce of pain show on your face.

“Why?”

 “Because I’m not worth dying over.”

“I’m not worth dying over, Master!” You screamed, pain coursing through you. You watched Rengoku surpass his limits, a demon pushing him far past them. The same demon that had gotten the jump on you moments ago. The man couldn’t hear you. You stumbled forwards, blood dripping from a wound somewhere on your head, the blood getting in your eyes. You stumbled, losing your footing, your sword clattering against the stones out of your grip. “Rengoku, please! Run while you still can!” You screamed, coughing up blood as you crawled towards the fight. Your breathing labored, black ink splotched in your vision. Take me! You thought hopelessly, take me and not him! 

“Y/n? Come on, kid, wake up.” You blinked awake. Your entire body ached, drowsiness threatening to take hold of you. Where were you just now? You must’ve passed out from the pain. “Ah, there she is.” A blurry redness kneeled beside you as you blinked until you could see properly. “You’re awake.”

“Master?” You coughed as Rengoku smiled down at you. 

“Tough battle, huh? You did great out there kid.” Rengoku said proudly. “You mastered a few of those moves I taught you, it was incredible.” He recounts.

“I-- lost.”

“Hush now. That demon was even tough for me to kill. You did the best you could.” He says reaching for you, ruffling your hair.

“Y-you almost died,” You choked out, Rengoku’s hand paused on your head. “I-- Master I don’t ever want to be a burden to you.”

“You are no such thing.” Rengoku admonishes, giving your cheek a sharp and playfully pinch. You gasp in surprise, rubbing your cheek. “You think too dark sometimes, kid.”

“But-- Master… I’m not worth dying over.” You say, looking down. Rengoku grabs you by the chin.

“You don’t get to decide that. I do. And I decided that you’re worth saving.” He looks at you intensely to get his point across. You part your lips to argue but slowly close them. “Now enough of this, we won, let’s celebrate!”

“What do you mean?” Giyu walks closer to you, his voice has an edge to it. A worried and sharp edge. “Are you unsafe?”

“That’s not…” You trail off, unsure how to put your thoughts into words. “I’m giving you an out.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Mr. Tomioka-”

“Don’t. Please don’t call me that.” Giyu lamented, his expression pained. 

“You’d be wise to just move on.”

“I can’t. I won’t”

“You can, you should.” You growled. This reminded you so heavily of the night you stormed out of his house and you two fought in the road. You were pretty sure this was almost the exact same place. You gave an inch that night but you were trying desperately to take it back. No matter how much this hurt it would hurt even more if your curse killed him. You had to remind yourself of that. Of the thing that possessed your life. 

“Give me a reason.”

“My past should be reason enough for you.”

“What do you mean? Speak it plainly for me.”

“It’s obvious. I’m fucking cursed, Giyu!” You hadn’t expected it but ever since that night you cried you couldn’t stop. Every little thing made you cry now it was annoying. You cried when you left Giyu in the morning. Cried in your inn. Cried when you arrived back at your empty house, the taste of miso soup and potatoes wrecking your senses. Years and years of it being stored up and the dam broke. You felt like a little kid but there was no way around it. Maybe if you tried being truthful Giyu would leave. “I hid while my family died and because of it I’m cursed. I thought I could move on. Rengoku was like family to me. I let him in. I trusted him. I loved him. I let my guard down and my curse took him. And I-- I won’t let it take you okay so just do me this favor and let whatever you feel for me die.” You forced your eyes to his. Angrily wiped the tears from off  your face and looked at him intensely. “I am begging you.” Giyu looked at you, his eyes scanning your face. He walked and walked forwards until he was directly in front of you. His hands reached out, ever so gently sliding over either side of your jaw, his thumbs wiping the tears from your face. Deja vu gripped you so intensely. He’d done this same thing before. He leaned close, so close your breath hitched in anticipation of a kiss. But he stopped, mere centimeters away.

“You are not cursed.” He lets his words sink in. His eyes staring ardently into yours. Your breathing stopped, like you’d forgotten how. That dangerous beat of your heart started up again. There’s something to be said about someone that will tear themselves apart just to keep away from the one thing that could make them happy. You were the biggest component of that. It was like you craved hurting yourself. Craved punishment for crimes you never committed. Giyu pressed a kiss to your forehead. “You didn’t kill your parents and you have to stop blaming yourself for it.” His whispers as you pull back slightly, looking as though you’d been slapped. He knew it. Giyu knew you. You looked away but he forced your attention back to him. “They saved you because they loved you. You were a child. There’s no sin in that.” He presses another kiss to your face. You should back up. You needed to back up. You… you couldn’t. Giyu’s arms slide around you and you're pulled against his chest in a tight hug. “Rengoku didn’t die because he loved you, he died saving a world that had you in it.” There were the damn tears again. You closed your eyes as they sting you. “You don’t get to choose who loves you and it’s unfair to make decisions for them.” 

Rengoku’s words rang in your head.

You don’t get to decide that.

“I… I won’t make it if I lose you.” 

“Don’t say that. I’m not going anywhere and neither are you, look at me.” Giyu pulls back, you tilt your face up, eyes meeting his. “If you don’t want to lose me then fight for me, stop running, I’m begging you.” You looked up at him. There was no point in trying to build walls, not when Giyu always knew a way around them. You spent a long time in your own head. For once… you decided to let someone else make the calls. If even your most self destructive ways didn’t scare him off then it’s obvious that no matter what you did you couldn’t scare him off. 

“Alright.” You intoned softly. The utter hope on Giyu’s face was quick to show. “I’ll stop running.” 

“Promise me this time. Promise I won’t wake up and you're gone.”

“I���m sorry. You deserved better.” You breathed out, guilty.

“It’s okay. I forgive you.” He says fondly. You shake your head, eyes rolling.

“You forgive too easily.” Giyu kissed you then. No warning. Just pure want. It was the kiss of someone who’d been counting the seconds you’d been gone. Sickly sweet. Of course he’d forgive you quickly. When he pulled back he pressed his forehead to yours. “Give me your word. That you’ll give us a try.”

“I promise.” You say without hesitation. 

Giyu kissed you again, this time slowly, passionately. He tangled his hands in your hair and you melted. He was going to be the death of you. Though you supposed you shouldn’t think that way. You could settle on him being your near death experience then.

-

When the morning dawned and Giyu opened his eyes for a moment his bed felt empty. He rolled his head to the side and when his eyes fell upon you there was nothing in this world that could’ve been a better sight. He reached and softly tucked your hair out of your face. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and let his eyes fall back closed, knowing damn well when he woke up again you’d be beside him.

bonus: giyu's letters

-

Dear Y/n,

I hope this letter finds you well. I write to only beg for a moment of your time. If you regret what happened days ago then don't spare me your kindness. I long to know what you think. What you really think.

Please meet me at the training yard in two days time.

Giyu

-

Dear Y/n,

How're you today? I do not wish to bother you, I just need you to know that I care. We can forget whatever you want. I will pretend away the feelings I have if you want. Whatever you want it is yours. Just please write me back.

Giyu  

-

Dear Y/n,

I would like to speak plainly for once. I love you. You don't ever have to say it back, I just want you to know. That's all. I will stop bugging you because you do not owe me a thing. I hope you are well. If you need anything don't hesitate to reach out. I can be a friend. I can be whatever you want. Please take care of yourself.

With love, Giyu

-

[salemlunaa]

Can I be your😎 anon

So in july this year I got into LOA and got in a vicious cycle of overconsumption for half a month but then I saw a taylor tookie's video and manifested my desired grades within a week just by robotically affirming and the other one in 4 days even after reacting to 3D like I was literally crying but then I could not manifest anything for a month but then I found out about void and tumbler and again got into thus vicious cycle of overconsumption and cried a lot but then I again saw taylor's videos that she posted this month and I swear I manifested The shit in hours

We are in law of assumption community but it doesn't seems like we are in it but in the methods like here on tumbler,youtube it is all about methods like if you do this you will get this and all the shit.

I don't even resonate with having it in 4D because I follow LOA that suggests what we assume to be TRUE is TRUE and we make assumption by simply saying we are going to have it or we have it now without contradicting ourselves literally it is just that simple

And if you doubt me then go to TAYLOR TOOKIES channel and read the comments under her videos that are uploaded this month and you will belive me

I wanted to share this with someone who is well known in this community so that my message can reach the greater audience as I am not a blogger that's The reason I send this to you because you give one of best advices to people on this community and I personally love your posts and you as a blogger

Bye bye ❤️

yes 😎 i agree, the law isn’t transactional, it’s not “do this method and get this” you have it already!!! although you should be resonating with your 4d as that’s what manifestation is all about

i feel like all communities on each app ESPECIALLY tiktok (in my opinion, you shouldn’t be there for advice on anything loa, void or shifting i just go on it for fun), are so method obsessed it’s crazy

assume you have it in your 4d it’s done, your desire appearing in the 3d is just a byproduct, the cherry on top if you will. Methods don’t help you get to your destination, you’ve already reached your destination, methods just help remind you that you’re there.

[underneath-the-sidras]

I'm Addicted to the 'If Only'

for @nessianweek Day 2: Yearning

Summary: There were times. Times when the ale in her cup had softened the roaring in her head to a dull hum. When she was half asleep, or bewitched by a particular tune the string players were playing at the tavern. Times when Nesta's mind would wander towards the shimmering light in the back of her mind, and picture what could have been. With Cassian.

OR

Nesta gets drunk and is simply a woman with fantasies / ACOFAS AU?

A/N: Felt cute, might delete later. I'm going to be honest, I've never done this before. Done what you ask? All of it! Unfortunately, an idea wiggled into my brain and I needed to write it out. Fortunately, the stars aligned and this worked out for Nessian week! That and @separatist-apologist is very good at convincing others to write their first fics. It's very imperfect, but I'd like to think of it as a way to thank all the wonderful writers in the Nessian community who have kept me well-fed with all their beautiful work for so long. This fic is inspired by the song "I Look in People's Windows" by Taylor Swift.

On AO3

-------------------------------------------------

Snow was falling over Velaris.

Nesta watched as flakes the size of silver coins dropped onto roofs and the heads of passersby as they bustled by the tavern window. The city would soon be completely covered in white, the snowflakes layering on top of one another in the street until they became an impenetrable sea of snow. She used to hate the winter in the mortal lands, how it ran their food scarce, how it forced her to rely on snuggling close to her sisters for warmth. But as she observed from the warm interior of the tavern, she was beginning to appreciate the harsh beauty of the coldest season. She liked the hard structure that came from the cold, finding it far more appealing than the dripping nature of the summertime. That, and maybe she had also begun to appreciate the isolation that came with the onslaught of colder weather. Fewer bodies on the streets meant less chance of running into certain fae. 

It had been four months since the final battle with Hybern, and Nesta had since effectively removed herself from the inner circle. Her sisters were now free to live their lives without her, no longer having to dwell on old wounds and painful memories. And Cassian…her thoughts stuttered. She tried not to think about the Night Court’s general when she could help it, casting any lingering thoughts of him to the farthest corner of her mind.

But.

But there were times. Times when the ale in her cup had softened the roaring in her head to a dull hum. When she was half asleep, or bewitched by a particular tune the string players were playing at the tavern. Times when she would wander towards the shimmering light in the back of her mind, and picture what could have been. With him. 

Would he hold her hand while they sat at the tavern, she wondered, his thumb slowly stroking the back of her hand as the music played. Would he press soft kisses into her hair and carry her home after she complained about her feet hurting? The corners of her mouth threatened to lift at the thought. 

She would teach him how to dance, firmly placing his hands on her waist and admonishing him when they slipped lower. His warm laugh would rumble across his chest, and she could feel it now. Feel how they were pressed together, how warm and smooth his skin felt against hers, and how her heart would thunder as he leaned in to press a soft kiss to her lips. 

One kiss would turn into two, then three until he was backing her up towards the wall of her apartment, his hands fisting in her hair as she cried out “Cassian–”

“Miss?” 

Nesta jolted up from where her head rested at the bar, the bartender looking over her with a mixture of pity and weariness. Her head turned over her shoulder to survey the room, suddenly aware of the vast emptiness of the tavern around her.

“Bar closed about a half hour ago,” he said apologetically, “Is there someone I can get to take you home?” Nesta shook her head, her cheeks heating. She rose quickly from her seat, swaying slightly from the alcohol.

“That won’t be necessary, thank you.” She said in a clipped tone. Using everything in her power to remain balanced, she made her way to the door, decidedly ignoring the concerned look of the barkeep. 

The cold wind greeted her instantly, a welcome sobering feeling brushing across her face. Nesta breathed in the chilly air, the ale having warmed her enough that the cold was almost enjoyable. But the bartender’s question still nettled in her mind. Was there anyone to take her home? Who would want to take her home?

The image of the Night Court’s general flashed across her mind. Cassian, her mind seemed to sigh at his name. Would Cassian have taken her home? Perhaps if she had not refused to speak to him after the war, and he had not given up so easily, he would be here. It was impossible given their history, she knew that, but it was at times like these when Nesta’s mind liked to play games of pretend. Pretending she lived in a world where she wasn’t broken and Cassian had stayed. Would he come to nights at the tavern with her or meet Nesta to walk her home, not wanting her to walk alone on the street? 

Nesta didn’t even know if Cassian liked music, or what kind, where his favorite tavern was, or what he liked to drink. 

She didn’t want to know. 

She was desperate to know. 

It was nonsensical to wonder about these things, she knew, but Nesta’s whole body ached with how much she did not know Cassian, and how much he did not know her. He should not know her, the roar in her head tried to scream out, but the foolish part of her was louder as she continued to walk through the snow-laden streets of the city. 

Did it feel alright for him to not know her? Was he tormented by it, wondering what she liked and where she was at every waking moment? Her stomach fluttered at the thought of it. Her drunken mind liked that idea, of him aching for her. 

She pictured taking Cassian to places she liked to go, her favorite tavern where they had string players on weekends, the bookstore on the corner of her street, the bakery next door to it with the chocolate-almond pastries. Letting him get to know her, and enjoying it.

As her mind wandered, Nesta found her feet continuing to walk deeper into the city, eventually pulling her to one of the main shopping avenues of Velaris. There were crowds on the street this evening for some kind of street fair, bundled but smiling fae faces gathered around food stalls and art vendors in the street. Children chased each other, throwing snowballs with all of their might in sorts of make-shift battles. 

Nesta’s foolish heart warmed at the scene. Had she been in her right mind, she would have turned back as she usually did from crowds. But tonight was different, tonight it was almost as if there was a soft golden glow around the edges of her vision, making everything seem beautiful and soft. 

She pushed forward, staying at the edge of the busy street, her stomach grumbling at the scents coming from the food stalls. She watched as a tall male turned from one of the stalls, half of his long dark hair tied in a makeshift bun. 

Nesta froze as her heart dropped into her stomach. It couldn’t be. What were the chances he’d be in this part of the Velaris? 

She should run. She would say something stupid to him, she knew she would. Something recklessly idiotic. But as her heart beat faster, it was not from fear but from hope. Had he come to see her? Desire surged in Nesta’s chest, but her thoughts halted as the male fully turned.

It wasn’t him.

Stupid. The male wasn’t even Illyrian, he had no wings. She was losing her mind this evening. 

Nesta didn’t often come to the busier parts of the city, instead opting to stay in her secluded area of Velaris where she wouldn’t happen to run into any of her sister’s chosen family. But on the rare occasions she did, she couldn’t help but wonder if Cassian would be wandering the streets as well. Both fearful and hopeful while imagining their eyes meeting while sitting in a cafe by the Sidra, or finding him drinking in the tavern next to hers.

If they did cross paths, would he reach out for her, or would he simply pass by? Nesta’s traitorous fingers twitched as she pictured it. Knew how her hands would unconsciously trail after him, how she would inhale his lingering scent to memorize it, even if he paid her no mind.

Her mind was running wild now that she had opened the floodgates. Fantasies of lives she could never have, dreams she would not share aloud even if someone tried to torture them out of her. Marriage ceremonies, children’s names, what their home would look like, and where they would live. Nesta would at first insist on living separately, the thought of living unmarried with a partner a bit scandalous still. But Cassian would sleep over so often, she would eventually acquiesce and he’d move in with her. They would have dinner together every evening when he was not away, Cassian cooking his favorite Illyrian meals for her. She would sleep on the left side of the bed, and him on the right, closer to the door. On hard nights, he would hold her extra close and run his fingers through her hair, soothing her with soft Illyrian melodies. For once her home, their home, would be warm and safe. 

Again it was as though she could feel it now, how her ear would press into his chest and hear the steady beat of his heart, lulling her to sleep. Her eyes closed.

A boisterous male laugh sounded out from nearby, warm and mirthful. Nesta’s eyes flew back open as she jerked towards the source. 

It wasn’t his laugh, but Mother did she want it to be. She closed her fists and took a breath, frustrated and entranced by all thoughts of him. 

Home. She needed to go home. 

Nesta’s steps finally took her back towards the quieter residential side streets of Velaris, her pathway illuminated by the soft glow from the windows lining the homes. She focused her eyes forward, deliberately looking towards the cobblestone at her feet. Cassian was likely in Illyria, as he usually was, training Rhysand’s armies or whatever he did up in those mountains. She had at least had enough sense not to glance towards the peaks that loomed in the distance, a subtle ache nipping at her to think of him so far. 

Instead she turned her gaze to one of the windows of the homes on the street, a rose-golden glow emanating from within. A table of friends, four males and three females gathered around a verifiable feast of a meal, laughing and chatting amongst themselves as they ate.

Nesta stood there entranced, trying to picture herself at that table, with a group of friends enjoying her company like that. Friends. What would it be like to have friends? She had a few in their village growing up, most abandoning her when her mother passed and father fell into debt. The roaring in her head started, threatening the blissful barrier the alcohol had provided. 

Would she ever feel at ease with a group of fae like that?

One of the males looked up and met her gaze, and for a moment she swore hazel eyes pierced hers. Her breath caught, as she fumbled back towards the street, walking once again, embarrassed to have been caught spying. 

It wasn’t him, Nesta assured herself. But she couldn’t get the image out of her head, of him in one of these houses, seated at a dinner table. It was ridiculous. She wasn’t even sure if Cassian had friends in Velaris outside of the Inner Circle. But the idea had sunk its claws into her mind, a desperate, pathetic hope. Every building she passed, Nesta’s eyes flitted to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of who was inside. She had to know if he was there. She couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t know.

From that point on, each home she passed was like a scene laid out before her, inviting her to insert herself into the lives of the fae within. Countless lifetimes and possibilities transfixed her, as she continued to watch. It was no longer strangers she was gazing at, but her and Cassian. They were in their living room, dancing with their two children, Cassian picking her up and spinning her while their girls shrieked with delight. They were snuggled up on a sofa together, in front of a roaring fire, Nesta closing her eyes and leaning onto his shoulder. Not a single flinch crossing her face. They were cooking together, Cassian stirring and adding spices to a pot on the stove, while Nesta chopped up something on the counter. Her turning to put what she had been chopping into the pot and pressing a kiss to Cassian’s cheek, who turned to beam at her. They were seated on the floor of their living room together, her handing a beautifully wrapped box to Cassian, who proceeded to open it. 

Back on the street, Nesta reeled back as though she’d been struck. A horrid thought clanged through her. 

What day was it? 

She remembered she had gone to the tavern earlier to listen to some music and have a few drinks before going somewhere. 

To Feyre’s, she realized. 

Feyre had asked her to come to the townhouse this evening because it was…solstice. The tavern had closed early and there was the street fair because it was solstice. She had gotten drunk in order to prepare herself to face Feyre and her family at solstice. 

Suddenly the festive lights and music ringing through the streets came into a sharp clarity, overwhelming her fae senses. 

Panic clawed at her throat, she could not go. She was not ready to face Feyre on her birthday, or Elain. Or Cassian. He would be there, her heart swelled, pulling her feet forward. On this day, she knew where he would be, who he would be with, she just needed to see him. Maybe this could be her one solstice present to herself, she reasoned, to prove that Cassian was not just a being made of whispered fantasies and alcohol-infused delusion. She would just take one look, and then she could go back to her apartment. It was madness, she knew it was, but the sharp sting of reality had not yet taken hold this night. 

Her pace began to quicken, every step faster than the next before she realized she had no idea which direction to turn, thoroughly lost in the maze of the city and her mind in the dark hour. She spun around, almost losing her balance in the slick snow, completely at a loss. The ache in her chest had now turned into a sharp stab of hurt, only to be soothed by the sight of the dark-haired general.

She should turn back, she thought, towards the bustling avenue to start her search there, maybe she would even ask someone for directions. The idea of doing so would usually sour her stomach, but something stronger than fear was driving her tonight. 

She began to walk purposefully, taking only a few steps before her feet skidded to a halt. 

As though it had been dropped from the sky, the massive townhouse loomed before her. Bright festive lights twinkled among the bushes that lined the windows, taunting her as they danced, inviting her to step closer.

Her traitorous feet had been leading her this way the whole time, unbeknownst to her. Nesta bit her lip, did she dare to risk facing her sister’s family tonight? There was a split moment of hesitation before she moved past the front gate. It would only be a brief glance, as soon as she saw those hazel eyes and dark waves she would leave. It would only take a moment.

Nesta didn’t bother going towards the door, electing instead to creep along the outside of the home. What room would they be in at this hour? She made her way towards the right set of windows she remembered as part of the living room. She could only pray the Shadowsinger and her sister’s mate were inebriated enough to not be on their guard tonight while she spied. 

Her heart pounded erratically in her chest as she drew closer, a rainbow glow of holiday lights from within grazed her face as she peered up. She had guessed correctly, the inner circle was gathered around the fire, wrapping paper strewn all over the plush carpet. They must have just finished opening presents. Her breath caught in her throat as she looked at her sisters, so at ease in their new lives, openly smiling as they engaged in conversation. Good, she thought, though a hint of bitterness flooded her tongue, it was good that they were happier without her. But her sisters were not who she needed to see this night. Her gaze turned frantic around the room, trying desperately to alight on the male who haunted most of her waking and sleeping thoughts. Her gaze made no purchase. He was not there.

Was he in Illyria after all? She wasn’t sure she could bear that after all the torment this evening. So she waited, watching her sister’s chosen family enjoy their holiday, as they laughed and shared stories with bright eyes, drinking deeply from their cups. It was not too far off from what she would be doing inside the house anyway, watching the inner circle play their little games while she kept to the outskirts. She was growing restless waiting for him, the urge to barge inside and ask where he was, growing by the minute. But at long last she was rewarded.

Cassian stepped, or stumbled rather, into the room with a grin plastered across his face. His dark hair was mussed, likely having fallen out of his bun hours ago, and two bottles of wine clutched in his hands. The room let out a cheer at his entrance, and Cassian handed off one of the bottles to the Morrigan. Azriel made to reach for the other one, but Cassian waved him off, uncorking the bottle with his teeth before drinking straight from it. She could have sworn she saw a look of concern pass between the Shadowsinger and her sister as they watched him, but Nesta was not interested in them. Her gaze fixed upon the male seated towards the end of the long couch, his hand gripping the wine bottle like a lifeline. 

She had said she would take one look, but she was a liar. She could not move even if she tried, her eyes greedily drinking in the male she looked for in every window and every sky. Her focus snagged on his lips, remembering the soft touch of them against her own on the battlefield. How often did she feel that phantom press in the late hours of the night. He was dressed in a dark red sweater this night, one that clung to the contours of his large frame, as if to torment her. Nesta could not help but imagine trailing her fingers over the material, what it would feel like, what the skin beneath that sweater would feel like. 

Cassian let out a booming laugh at something that was said, loud enough for her to hear through the window, and never did she wish so much to have a device to bottle sound. But the smile that remained did not quite meet his eyes, which were intermittently flickering towards the door. 

The Night Court’s general was drunk, that much was clear, but something was troubling him despite the merriment he tried plastering across his face. The Shadowsinger clapped a hand onto Cassian’s shoulder, in what seemed to be a comforting gesture. 

So badly did she want to be the one comforting him, and yet hadn’t she been the cause of most of his misery when she was around? A sober realization made its way to the forefront of her mind; all she could do was cause him pain . Those beautiful dreams of their life together could only ever be dreams. The reality was that everything she touched had crumbled and turned to ash, but she would be damned if Cassian did as well. She needed to leave, go back to her apartment and try and forget this whole night had ever happened, for both of their sakes. Preferably with the assistance of alcohol. Nesta’s foot stepped back from the window, yet couldn’t stop herself from one last glance at the male inside.

Hazel eyes met hers from across the room. Shit. Cassian’s eyes blinked slowly before widening. There was the sound of glass shattering, as the wine bottle left his hand and dropped onto the floor. Shouts of alarm rose up from the rest of the inner circle, as they jumped up to help clean up the mess. Cassian’s form quickly disappeared out of the room, his hand bracing against the door frame as he pushed around it. She needed to leave, now. 

She scrambled backwards, towards the gate, snow hitting her shoulder from the tops of the bushes as she darted by. She rounded the outside gate and stopped out of breath, hidden by the tall bushes that separated the townhouse from the street. There was the sound of the front door being wrenched open and frantic footsteps down the entry stairs. She didn’t dare to breathe as the footsteps crunched closer, hoping they obscured her own.

“Nesta?” Cassian’s voice was soft, almost hopeful. She had expected him to yell out in his drunken state, alerting the whole inner circle of her presence, but he hadn’t. The quiet sound of her name from his lips was a different kind of bliss altogether, pulling at something deep within her core. Her lips parted, desperately wanting to tell him she was there, that she was ready to try together this time, but no sound came out. 

A second pair of footsteps followed from the front door.

“Cass? What is it?” Feyre’s concerned voice floated through the entryway. Nesta bit her cheek, to keep from making a sound. The only thing worse than Cassian finding her out here would be Feyre and Cassian finding her together. She didn’t think she could survive the look of pity she knew would cross Feyre’s face if she discovered her out here.

“I saw her,” His words slurred slightly from the alcohol, but were determined nonetheless. “I saw her at the window.” Feyre did not ask who it was he had seen, seemingly understanding, but she waited a moment before softly saying,

“I miss her too, Cassian.”

A weight had dropped into Nesta’s stomach, she could not bear to hear this conversation. 

“She was at the window,” Cassian insisted, “She was here, I need to…” he trailed off. Nesta’s ears strained for the end of his thought, but nothing came. Perhaps he did not know how to approach her either, also frozen by the neverending stalemate the two of them found themselves in. Feyre inhaled a slow breath, as though she were about to explain something difficult to a small child.

“Sometimes it can seem like we see things that aren’t actually there. Things that we want to believe are there, but they aren’t,” she said gently. Another moment of silence followed. Feyre tried again.

“Why don’t we go inside? I think Rhysand and Amren were going to pull out the chessboard.”

No reply came from Cassian. Had they gone back inside? Nesta didn’t hear the door slam shut, but her heart was beating so loud she easily could have missed it. 

“I think I’m going to stay out here,” His voice quietly sounded once more.

“Cassian–”

“Just for a bit,” He amended. Nesta could hear the smile he forced onto his face, “Go, enjoy your birthday, Feyre.” She must have listened, as after a moment Nesta heard the soft snick of the front door closing. It was agony being so few steps from him now they were alone, even if he did not know it. But she wouldn’t risk him, not again. So Nesta quietly made her way from her hiding spot back onto the main road, and for once she did not glance back.

The holiday lights in the street now looked garish against the soft white snow frosting the streets. Golden glows that had once emanated from the windows, now dulled to a pale yellow. The wind blew fierce as flurries turned blizzardous, but Nesta did not bother to close her coat against the chill. Already she could feel the press of a hangover against her forehead, the walk having sobered her from the peak of her drunkenness. With it, the starkness of her reality began to return, as though she had never left. 

But as she turned the corner to her apartment, she allowed herself one final solstice present. She let her mind drift to a world in which she had run from her hiding spot that evening and into Cassian’s arms. He would lift her up off the ground, and they would stay there intertwined, swaying with unspoken apologies to one another. She would bury her face in his neck, inhaling his pine and woodfire scent, and it would smell like home. Her home. 

One last time Nesta closed her eyes, inhaling deeply as though she would smell it now.

But only the cold rushed in.

[gougarfem]

how was the process of getting a dumbphone!

oh my god this is something i'm so excited to talk about, sorry it took me so many months to respond!

getting a dumbphone improved my quality of life so so much. i knew my screentime was high, but didn't realise it was a genuine psychological addiction until i quit. the first few days were extremely rough. time seemed to pass about ten times slower, and i was forced to fill the hours with various hobbies and activities. i know we all love to tell people to touch grass, but i really did have to connect with nature and it did wonders for my mental health.

i think for the first three days i was constantly restless and horribly irritable, looked around for my phone every few minutes, felt intense boredom and even cried a few times lol. your addiction may not be as extreme as mine was and this varies from person to person. however, after about a week i realised i remembered everything i'd done each day, because it was filled with intentional activities and little moments of peace rather than a blur of scrolling. i also wasn't on adhd meds yet, which is something i'll talk about in another post.

not having everything at your fingertips is uncomfortable, but (and it's a cliche) you really start to appreciate the world around you more. i looked forward to spending time with my family, because it filled time and i wasn't half-involved in my phone the entire time. i use an mp3 player to listen to music, and uploading music to it is a meaningful and interesting activity, rather than just shuffling a playlist. i listen to whole albums instead of being flooded with dopamine from spotify firing recommended songs at me. i appreciate music more, i make CDs for friends, i have to be intentional in discovering new artists and music. if i'm having an interesting conversation online, i look forward to going home and logging onto my laptop to continue it. i don't spend my commute, time in class, or time with friends texting somebody else. everything feels more intentional, spaced out, and interesting, even the things i do online.

i also found i stopped performing in every activity i did. i stopped thinking about whether i could post it to instagram or instantly send a picture in a discord server. i started picking up new hobbies for myself, not for an online audience, and living in the moment more. this is really important in the modern age, although again uncomfortable.

the best part was how my connections with others increased through having a dumbphone. i started calling friends rather than messaging on five platforms at once, and they started reciprocating. my message threads are continuous, coherent conversations, rather than sending memes. people realised they have to intentionally reach out to me, and i lost relationships with people who weren't interested in that, but strengthened connections with people who did put in the effort (many of whom i barely talked to in the past). i give people my phone number, not my social media handle, and they actually start conversations with me rather than hitting follow. i get to hear my friends' voices when they have drama to share and realise it takes me forever to type on my flip phone keyboard. again, everything is intentional, takes time, and richer than when i had a smartphone.

i genuinely would recommend it to absolutely everyone (i've kind of become like a crossfit guy in telling people to get a dumbphone lol). i won't pretend it's easy, and most people make excuses - for the first few months of having a dumbphone, i was bedbound or in hospital, and truly relied on online connections to pass time and communicate. it still hugely improved my life. however, no matter your situation there are always, always better options than scrolling an app, and you deserve to pass your time in a memorable way. i think most people don't realise they're addicted/reliant on smartphones, and the idea of quitting is horribly uncomfortable, but at least for me, the benefits were worth it.

i'm happy to answer any questions, i literally could talk about this topic for hours (even if it's stuff like "how would i use x app" "how would i replace x smartphone function").

ditch your smartphone babe, u deserve better <33

[paintyoureyeswithavividmind]

close to home | chapter sixty one

close to home | chapter sixty one

plot: daryl finds out what happened to the reader

series masterlist

Pairing: Eventual Daryl Dixon x f!reader Word Count: 3,790 Warnings: violence, blood, typical twd, injury, daryl being daryl A/N: thank you for reading!! how the fuck did I write 60 chapters of this I'm insane

Daryl thought about you every second of every day for the past five and a half years. He was too stubborn and pissed off to go after you the first few days, and then it got harder and harder as time went on. He tried to. At least once a week every week since you left, he tried to go to you, to Alexandria. He’d even made it as far as getting to the outskirts of the surrounding woods. But then he saw you on watch, laughing with a guy he didn’t know, and he turned around and went back. 

But he thought of you regardless. He cried almost every night in his self-pity and threw himself into trying to find Rick’s body. And after you screamed at him, and hit him, and cried to him about the other woman, he never saw her again. It didn’t matter that nothing happened, that it was only a few brief conversations in passing, but it hurt you so deeply. And he knew he fucked up. Which is also why he stayed away from you. 

Still, it hurt him. And because of it, he had several burn scars across his forearm from cigarettes. 

He even took a knife and carved your name with his last name into his crossbow because he knew there would never be anyone else. He gave you up after hurting you so profoundly and destroying the one thing in the world he cherished above everything else. He would’ve burned the world for you but ended up burning you. 

So he stayed by the river and tried to find his brother’s body. 

***

It was fall, and there was a bite in the air. Daryl sat by his morning fire with Dog beside him, staring at your name in the crossbow. He hadn’t eaten a thing in a day because of the guilt he felt. 

Then he heard a horse running and his name being yelled. It took him a second to realize it was Carol before he jumped up. 

“It’s (Y/N)!” Carol yelled, out of breath as the horse trotted in a circle. “She’s hurt.”

Daryl chewed on his lip as anxiety filled him. “What happen'?”

“She was shot.” 

The muscles in his face dropped. “Take me to her.” 

“She’s not stable yet, and Siddiq is coming in from Alexandria, but it’ll take hours.” 

“Take me to her, now!” Daryl swung his crossbow over his shoulder, mounted the horse behind Carol, and whistled for Dog to follow. 

***

It took longer than Daryl ever would’ve imagined to get to the Kingdom. He hadn’t realized how far out he was. But when he saw the approaching gates, he felt like throwing up. Carol didn’t slow down as the gates opened, and she led the horse straight to the medical building toward the back of the community. 

Sitting outside were Ezekiel, Henry, Jerry, and a man he didn’t know. 

“What happened?” Daryl yelled as he got off the horse. “What the fuck happened to my wife?”

“They were on a run. She got shot. One of our men was killed as well.” Ezekiel said. “She’s inside, follow me.”

Daryl walked anxiously behind Ezekiel into the building and directly to a room toward the back. The door was shut, and he hesitated for a second before he walked in. 

The room was quiet, aside from an unsteady beeping. You were lying in a bed hooked up to a machine. An oxygen mask was over your mouth, and Daryl saw two discarded tanks in the corner of the room. 

Tears burned his eyes as he walked closer to you. You were out, of course, and thick, white bandages dried with blood were wrapped around your middle. Your hair was braided back like always, and sweat was dotting your face. Your skin was paler than he’d ever seen. 

“How did this happen?” Daryl asked angrily and turned around. “I wanna know right fuckin’ now!”

“She got shot, Daryl. There is nothing anyone could’ve done.” Carol said. “You being angry right now is not helping.”

The door pushed open, and a man named Adam walked in; Daryl knew him as the Kingdom’s doctor. Or at least the best they had. 

“Can you tell us again, Adam?” Carol asked. 

The doctor walked up to your body and checked your heartbeat as he looked around the room. “The bullet went through what I can assume is her appendix, and with no exit wound, it’s still in there. The bruising on her stomach leads me to that conclusion as well.”

“Why ain’ ya take it out?” Daryl yelled. 

“We can’t cut her open and remove it without putting her under. Her body will go into shock, and I won’t be able to operate. Siddiq from Alexandria is bringing medication, and he’ll be better equipped with the surgery.”

Daryl rubbed his forehead. “Is that it? Ya just a waste a damn space!”

“Daryl!” Carol yelled. 

Adam looked at Daryl, your body, and Carol and Ezekiel. “I’ve radioed Alexandria, and Aaron told me Siddiq has already left on their fastest horses, but…”

“But what?”

Adam hesitated. “She lost too much blood on the way here, they were too far out. We don’t know how long it’ll take Siddiq to get here; it’ll be hours at the earliest. We’ve done a few transfusions already.”

“So what does that mean?” Ezekiel asked. 

Daryl was already shaking his head.

“If he doesn’t get here soon, she won’t survive the night.”

***

“Daryl… Daryl, stop!” 

The chair broke against the wall, and Daryl paced around the room and grabbed another one. Within a few seconds, it was broken against the wall. 

“You aren’t helping anything!”

“It’s my damn fault!” Daryl yelled, his chest heaving as he struggled to breathe. “If I had been there… if I wasn’ such a piece of shit!” He kicked the wall, leaving a dent the size of his boot.  

“Back off,” Carol told the guard that was standing by. “Daryl, this is not your fault. You couldn’t have known this was going to happen.”

But all Daryl could see was red. “I shoulda been there!” He nearly screamed, punching the wall. The old drywall crumbled against his fist, and he struck it twice before blood showed up on the wall. 

“Daryl!” Carol grabbed his arm. “Daryl, you need to stop.”

The archer pulled his arm away from Carol with a grunt and looked at the guard who was staring at him. “Ya got a problem, asshole? Who are ya anyway?”

The man swallowed the lump in his throat. “Me? My name is Ryan.”

Daryl’s face dropped, and he walked up to the guard and grabbed him by the shirt collar. “What the hell ya doin’ here? Huh? Why you waitin' for her?”

“She’s my friend.”

Daryl slammed the man into the wall. “Did ya sleep with her? Tell me right now, asshole.”

“No-No-I mean, I asked her out a few times, but she always said no. Said she was married.”

“Ya lyin’ to me?”

Carol grabbed Daryl’s arm and pulled as hard as she could. “Daryl, if you do not calm down, I will have them lock you up.”

Daryl shrugged her off and slammed Ryan into the wall again. “Did ya fuck my wife? Tell me the fuckin’ truth!”

“No, no!”

Daryl grunted and pushed away from him as he began to pace back and forth. Carol sent Ryan out of the room and told him not to let anyone else in. 

“Daryl, you have no right to be acting this way. You left her.”

“I didn’ leave shit!”

“Yes, you did!” Carol seethed. “You don’t think I know what happened between the two of you? How you pushed her away until she was nothing but a crumbled pile of mess because of you? You two aren’t together anymore.”

“Then why the hell ya get me anyway?”

“Because when she was bleeding out on the ground, she was crying for you, you asshole!” Carol yelled. “And I don’t know why she’s still hanging onto you after so long, but I owed it to her to get you. Now you can either man up and sit by her side or get the hell out of my Kingdom!” 

Daryl paused at her words. “She really was cryin’ for me?” His voice was soft.

“Yes. She was.”

He couldn’t stop himself from crying as he sank to his knees. “What did I do? How can I fix this?” He cried. 

Carol’s face softened, and she walked over to him. “Well, for starters, you can go pick flowers for her to put by her bed. And then you can get the only chair you didn’t break and sit next to her until Siddiq shows up.”

“I can’ lose her…”

“You already have, Daryl. But if you want her back, then start with what I just told you to do.”

***

It was past sunset, and Daryl was pacing back and forth in your room. Your body was lying there, helpless, but the beeping of your heartbeat was music to his ears--even if it wasn’t steady. 

Fresh cut flowers were in a cup sitting on the table, and he looked at them every few seconds, trying to decide if he should get you more before you woke up. But it was getting late, and Siddiq wasn’t here yet and he needed to be by your side. 

His eyes were red and swollen from crying, but that didn’t stop him from shedding tears every time he looked at you. The only thing he could think of was how much of an asshole he’d been to you. He’d wasted five and a half years chasing after ghosts when he had you right in front of him. 

Daryl kept thinking about the day he left you crying in the mud after begging him to come home. More than anything, he wanted to go back to that moment, scoop you up and never let you go again. He was so stupid. 

The chair scraped against the floor as he sat down next to you. He carefully leaned against the bed and took your hand. It was littered with old cuts and scars, and he could remember each one you got over your time together. 

“My crazy girl,” He mumbled, kissing your hand and then holding it against his cheek. “Please fight, darlin’. I can’ live in this world without ya. ‘M so sorry for bein’ such an asshole to ya. I’ll do anythin’ if ya just keep fightin’.”

His eyes started to burn with tears again, and he laid his forehead against your bed as he sobbed. “Please, God, don’ take her. Ya can take me, I swear it. Won’ put up a fight or nothin'. Just don’ take her, please… please….” Daryl hadn’t prayed in a long, long time, but he kept repeating himself and to a God he hoped was still up there. 

When he sat back up and looked at your face, he felt anger coursing through his body. “Darlin’, please don’ leave me.” He cried. “I’ll do anythin’ to fix up, anythin’ I promise. Just stay and let me. Please, (Y/N), please.”

The beeping quickened, and he watched your chest expand shakily as you took a deep breath. His heart pounded as he thought you would wake up, and his prayers were answered. 

But then you exhaled, and the beeping stopped. 

“(Y/N)...” Daryl stood as he shook your hand. “(Y/N)!”

Before thinking, he ran to the door and started screaming for Adam. When he heard footsteps, he ran back over to you. “She stopped breathing!”

“Daryl… she’s lost so much blood. She wasn’t going to make it through the night without an operation. Even if we get her heart beating, it won’t last without the operation. It’ll be cruel to do that to her. There’s nothing I can do now…” Adam said with sorrow. 

“No, no,” Daryl shook his head. “Ya get over here right now and start pumping her chest. Now!” He screamed. 

Out of fear, Adam did what the archer asked. Daryl took off your oxygen mask and waited until Adam gave him a nod before breathing air into you. The two of them repeated the cycle a few times before the door opened, and Daryl heard Michonne and Rosita yelling your name. 

“Oh my God,” Siddiq said. “Get out of my way, now! Get out of the room!” 

Daryl stepped back, shaking his head as he watched Siddiq and Adam start to try and bring you back to life. He let Carol drag him out of the room in his hopefulness, and he leaned against the wall as he started to cry again.

“‘M gonna lose her tonight, I know it.” 

Rosita shook her head and wiped away her own tears. “You lost her a long time ago, asshole.” 

***

Daryl was sitting in the corner of the waiting room. His eyes were stinging from how swollen they were, and he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. It had been hours since he watched you die before him. But he hadn’t heard anything else. Siddiq and Adam hadn’t come out of the room, and he had to believe that was good. 

He kept thinking of your laugh and that beautiful smile that had him in love with you before realizing it. He thought of your soft hands in his and the way you giggled when he kissed you. He could feel your touch on his skin, rubbing circles in his back, or your fingers playing with his hair. It would kill him if he never got it again. He wouldn’t survive your death. He’d put an arrow through his skull. Or maybe he’d go insane and drag you around as a walker just to keep you with him. 

It was morning when Siddiq and Adam walked out of the room. They had blood on their clothes and looked exhausted, but they walked out with relief. 

“We had to remove her appendix, but that was where most of the internal bleeding came from. She’s got two broken ribs, one from the impact and the other from chest compressions. She’s heavily sedated, but she’s stable. She’ll probably be up tonight or tomorrow.”

Daryl started crying at the news; he wasn’t the only one. 

“Thank you,” Michonne said and hugged them both. “Thank you both so much.”

“You guys can sit there, but it’ll be a while before she wakes. We all should get some rest. I’d like to give her blood before, though. Is anyone an O?” Siddiq said. 

“I am,” Rosita said. “You can take as much as you need for her.”

Daryl followed Rosita and Siddiq into the room and watched quietly as Rosita donated a bit more blood than a typical amount. But he was thankful for it, and he thanked her quietly. She didn’t respond. 

He insisted on staying with you, so after everyone came in and made their peace with you being alive, they went to rest. 

Once the door was closed, Daryl carefully grabbed and kissed your hand a few times. “Thank you for fightin’ darlin’. That’s my girl.”

***

A few hours later, Daryl was asleep with his head on the bed next to your hip when he felt you stir. He was immediately up and staring at you as your eyes opened for the first time.

“‘M here,” Daryl said, taking your hand.

You looked around the room with hazy eyes, the sedation running through your veins still. When your eyes finally met Daryl’s, he sighed with relief. “Hi, beautiful.”

“This… dream…. Daryl….”

Your head hit the pillow again, and you were out. But he didn’t care. You were going to be okay.

***

The next morning, you were awake. Michonne, Rosita, and Carol were in the room with Daryl, and when he heard you waking up, he let the women stand before him. He was scared of what you would say to him without the sedation. 

“Michonne?” Your voice questioned whether you were awake, and he wanted more than anything to hold you.

“I’m here, (Y/N). We’re here. Me, Rosita, and Carol.”

He heard you moan, and then you started to cry. “It hurts, everything hurts.”

“I know, I know. Do you remember what happened?”

“I remember those guys coming out of the woods… and I remember looking down and seeing so much blood. And then Carol and Ryan trying to stop the bleeding…” You said through tears. “It hurts, something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Rosita said. “Siddiq looked at you this morning. You have two broken ribs, babe; it’s gonna hurt for a while.” 

He heard you let out a sigh and then groan in pain. “Is Henry okay?”

“He’s just fine.”

“Okay…good…” 

You were out again.

***

When you woke up later that day, Daryl was the only one in the room. He heard you stirring and was anxious but had to talk to you. He had to. 

You groaned in pain as you adjusted on the bed before realizing who was sitting next to you. When your eyes met him, Daryl felt his heart in his throat. 

“Get out.” 

“(Y/N), please,”

“Get out. I don’t want you here. You shouldn’t have come.”

Daryl tried to grab your hand but you pulled it away. “Darlin’-”

“Don’t call me that. I’m not your anything.”

He shook his head. “Ya still my wife, ya still my girl. Ya always will be, even if ya don’ think so yaself.” 

“Fuck you.” You muttered and then groaned in pain. “Why are you here? Don’t you have a river to be in or that woman to fuck.”

Daryl sighed and moved from the chair, getting down on his knees beside the bed. “Crazy girl, I was never with that woman. I swear.”

“I don’t believe you. Get the fuck out, Daryl.”

“I swear on my life, on everythin’ I have which I know ain’ much. I only spoke to her a few times, and that day ya came by, the last time… I never saw her again. I never fucked her. I promise ya.” You turned away from him and stared at the wall. 

Daryl started crying again because he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take what he’d done to your marriage and to you. “‘M so sorry, darlin’. I hate what I did to ya, what I did to us. I love ya so fuckin’ much. I’ll do anythin’ to make it right. Just tell me how.”

You bit the inside of your cheek as you looked at him. “I will never forgive you. I gave you everything. Everything. And you threw it in my face. I hate you.”

“Don’ say that. Ya don’ mean it.”

“Oh, I do.” 

Daryl hung his head and tried to calm himself down. “Just tell me what I can do…”

It was silent for a long time, and Daryl was too afraid to say anything else in fear of you telling him to leave and never come back. His heart wouldn’t be able to handle it. So he stared at your clenched hand for a second before slowly grabbing it. You tensed but let him hold it, and he rubbed it the same way you used to when he was angry. 

“I don’t hate you.” You whispered. “I’m sorry I said that.” 

“I deserve it.”

You didn’t argue, but you did pull your hand away. “I don’t know what you expect me to say. If I had known all it would’ve taken for you to talk to me was getting shot, I would’ve done it long ago.”

“Ya almost died. Ya did die.”

You sighed and leaned your head against the pillow. “Why did you come?”

“Because I love ya.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

Your words caused his chest to hurt, and he felt tears slip from his eyes. “I love ya, I do.”

“Stop.”

“I love ya more than anythin’ else in the world, and I was the biggest idiot for lettin’ ya go. I ain’ gonna do it ever again. Ya my wife and I was a shitty husband, but I’m here now, and I’m back, and I’m beggin’ ya for just one more chance.” He met your teary eyes and felt you grab his hand again. “Please say somethin’, darlin’.”

“Kiss me.”

Daryl didn’t hesitate to do so. He could taste the salt from his tears, but more importantly, he could taste you. It was so familiar even after all these years, and it made his chest beat ferociously. All he wanted to do was wrap himself around you, hold you, cry, and beg for forgiveness.

His lips moved against yours slowly, and when he pulled away, he saw tears falling from your face. 

“You should leave.” You whispered.

“No,” His voice cracked. 

“That was goodbye, Daryl.”

“No.”

“You don’t get to just say no.”

“‘M ya husband, through thick and thin. Ya my wife.”

“I gave you the ring back years ago.”

Daryl sat back down and held up his necklace. “I still got it. I kept it. It belongs to ya. Please take it, darlin’. Please.”

“What happened between you and her?”

“Nothing,” Daryl said as he got down to his knees. He felt his heart quicken at the change of tone in your voice. "I swear to ya. I just knew Dog, and he followed me home.”

“How am I supposed to believe that?”

Daryl blinked back tears; you were slipping away again and he didn’t know what to say. “‘Cause ‘m desperate. And ya the only woman I’ve ever looked at. The only one I ever cared about. Ya know that, (Y/N). Ya know I would never do that.”

“Why wasn’t I enough?”

Your question broke his heart and his tears started falling again. “Oh darlin’, ya was always enough. More than enough. More than I deserve… I don’ know what happened. All I know is that I regret it, and I wanna spend the rest of my life makin’ it up to you.”

You groaned in pain as you moved on the bed and Daryl looked at you with concern. “I’m in a lot of pain, and this is a lot for me to handle right now. I wanna sleep.”

“Can I stay? Wanna watch over ya.” You glanced at him as he intertwined your fingers. “Please darlin’, please, let me stay.”

Finally, you nodded. 

[autisticclownfromhell]

Xiao kisses

wohoo me finally writing. bleh

Content: just happy Xiao rambles, just pure fluff of this man not knowing how love works, i love this man and you can tell.

IMPORTANT: READER DOES NOT HAVE A FREAKING GENDER :) cuz im tired of constant fem readers man (cries in male reader)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xiao was never one to blab on about his feelings openly. He always preferred to show you what he felt through spending time with you, or bringing the occasional thing he thought you might like, or find useful. He admires how you can so easily say your emotions through words, and how you understand him.

And so, most of your time with him is spent in the late hours of the night. When the bed is taken up by the both of you close together in comfortable peace.

Even when your time wasn't far past the moon's rise, it usually consisted of both of you close, preferably in silence. Just being together, enjoying the other's presence. Whether it be taking naps together, sleeping next to each other, cuddling after a hard day, most of your time with him was spent on such activities.

Sometimes, you could be peacefully laying in bed mid-day, enjoying a book of your choice. Laying in bed with his arm around your waist, your head on his chest, and another pair of eyes reading the book you were holding up. To him, it didn't ever matter if the contents of your book interested him. Just being that close to you, enjoying something with you, it was more than enough for Xiao.

One day in particular, you were laying down in such a position with him, with a book you had recently purchased in hand. Half way through a page, in an imperative part of the story.

You had the left side of the book held with your left hand, and the other side of the book held up by Xiao's right. Your free arm was placed around your shoulder, to avoid interfering with turning the pages.

During a particular part of the book's climax, you had started to subconsciously tap your shoulder with your free arm, a way of showing anticipation that you were unaware of. Whilst you hadn't noticed your small action beginning, the one behind you certainly did.

On multiple occasions, you had done a similar action to the one you had just done. Tapping your lips, your cheek, etc etc. What Xiao came to realize what that whenever you did that, you wanted a kiss. And so it became a way to communicate your wants, without the embarrassment (for him) of asking.

So while you meant nothing when tapping your shoulder, Xiao assumed that you just wanted a kiss. He though that it was somewhat unusual timing for wanting one, as you were in the middle of a book's climax. But then again, you had done much more bold and unusual things before. So he indulged in what he though your thoughts were, and planted a kiss on your shoulder.

You were at a major turning point of the story in hand, and you were immersed in the words on the pages in front of you. What you didn't expect half way through reading a page was for your lover to give you a sudden kiss on the shoulder. It pulled you out of the reading trance your were in.

Xiao was never the type to suddenly give you a kiss, or any sort of physical contact, without a lot of consensual nods and words from you. So getting such a suddenly placed kiss from him surprised you, to say the least. You could feel your face burn up a little. A mix of barely coherent words stumbled out of you mouth, something along the lines of "What was that for?". You temporarily put the book down to turn your head up to Xiao. He had a slightly puzzled look on his face.

"Did you not want a kiss?"

Confusion led to more confusion. It's not like you didn't want a kiss, it was just so out of character for him to do such a thing.

"No, its not like I didn't want one, its just uh, different."

An awkward laugh came from you at his expression. He only seemed to look more confused by every word that came out of your mouth. After a few moments of silence, and eye contact, he sighed and averted his eyes to the nearby wall.

"As long as you didn't... dislike it."

A few more awkward moments passed. Before you started reading the book again, you decided to turn back up to face Xiao. And then give him a quick peck on the cheek before picking up your book again. Smiling to yourself while reading, knowing without looking that he was, without a doubt, flustered. A little act of revenge for giving you a surprise kiss, he gets one back.

Who's the flustered one now?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[lysatoru]

Geto Suguru - Twin Flames

cw : ANGST, doesn’t really follow the jjk plot

tw : mention of suicide, death, mention of anxiety/panick attack, toxic relationship

Twin flames are the result of the splitting of a single soul.

I had found my twin flame, the flame that destroyed and healed me day by day. He was my blessing and my curse, my success and my failure, he was me and I was him. He was the other side of my soul. Our souls became one. Geto Suguru, you were my other half.

We met one night in a bar. He was with his friends and I was with mine. Our eyes met and we never took our eyes off each other again. It wasn't love at first sight, I'd felt another sensation, much stronger, of immeasurable energetic intensity. I could feel it, my entity was complete and balanced thanks to him. He was the masculine, aggressive, nervous part of me, while I was the feminine, gentle part of him. There was no need for words, we just knew that we were connected. Our souls communicated and danced. He was me.

Our story began that famous evening, the night we came together for life and death. The love and the wounds only grew. Suguru wanted to be me at all costs, he felt the need, his love was suffocating, but I needed it to live. I was afraid, afraid of so much love, and all I could think about was running away from it. I used to adapt to the people I met. Knowing that someone could see through all that and knew me better than I knew myself scared me.

I felt as if I'd known him all my life, because in the end, we were each other. Our souls became one, growing and maturing with us. To be honest, the relationship was devastating for both him and me. Emotionally, I'll never get over it. We hurt each other psychologically on purpose to see who could hurt the other the hardest. We couldn't stay apart for more than two days, it was insurmountable. I felt like my whole being was leaving with him and I wasn't myself anymore. I needed him like I needed no one else.

Suguru was ready to sacrifice himself for me,

and he did.

He knew that the relationship was toxic, it was never healthy. But the separation was so destructive that we tried to stay together.

One evening, I was on the bus coming home from work. I caught myself in tachycardia, I was shaking, I couldn't breathe. In fact, I was having an panick attack, something had happened to Suguru. I got off at the next stop and ran on and on, shouting "Suguru". I cried and cried. I knew that Suguru had stayed at home that day and I had to get there. When I got to the front of his appartment, I was scared to open the door. Once in the living room, I saw him lying on the floor. His breathing had stopped and he had no pulse. There was a letter on the table, and I knew immediately. He had committed suicide. I picked up the letter, my tears wouldn't stop, my hands were shaking and I found myself unable to breathe.

"Thank you for crossing my path, you're everything that's most important to me, unfortunately you and I both know that love isn't enough in this kind of relationship. You were me and I saw you suffering, it was unbearable. I didn't want to go through your abandonment a second time. By doing that, I saved myself, I saved us."

I had just lost my soul. He was my blessing as well as my curse, he was my success as well as my failure, he was me and I was him. He was the other part of my soul. Our souls became one. Geto Suguru, you were my other half. When I lost Suguru, I died with my eyes open.

A few days later, I found myself at the funeral of my other half, my one and only. After the ceremony, I stood for hours in front of his grave, wondering "what have I done?" .

A hand came to rest on my shoulder and the man next to me said that love is the most twisted curse of them all.

Hi! first post here, english isn’t my first language so i use google traduction to help me, if there are any grammatical errors i’m sorry!!

i don’t really know how tumblr works but you can reblog and comment i you liked it!

[albiorix-l]

Jrwitober Day 31- 5 years of jrwi

Ok, this one isn’t much of a writing prompt. Not like I know how to make todays prompts into one anyway. And for anyone looking at my account, yeah, I didn’t keep up with it at all. Everything’s been very busy and I just couldn’t find time unfortunately, especially as each one just got longer.

However, I just wanted to use todays little thing to express my complete love for this show and everything about it (except felipe, I want to strangle that guy).

I haven’t been watching since the start. More like the second half of 2022, when slimecicle left the Chuckle Sandwich podcast and, with that being one of my main comforts, lead me to search for other stuff he’d done.

Then I found it. I think I started with the Prime Force one shots, and fell in love with it, though I wasn’t very happy when I found out the rest was behind a paywall. The black rose one shot wasnt the most entertaining thing and I was a little worried to see what the riptide campaign was going to be like. Alas, I gave it a shot.

And. Wow. From the start I was so into it I couldn’t stop watching (doing 8-10 hours a day when I had a free day, I was so into it) and even when I had something else going on, the second I got home I just couldn’t stop. I caught up decently quickly, and after a couple months of rewatching old episodes, I sent my friend, who i had only known for a little while at this point, a BITB animatic. I thought it was cool and I get way too excited about it when I like stuff.

Thankfully, she liked it too, and we decided to both get the Patreon. That’s when I went absolutely insane. BITB, while I won’t go into depths, was amazing, and I finished it in 2 days. But Prime defenders, which id watched the free eps for a while, and that id read enough fics to vaguely be spoiled of s1, was so so so much better than I could’ve expected. Every second of it was incredible, and from May ish when I got it to now, i am continually enthralled by everything about it. I love bizly’s dming, the characters, the story, all the heartfelt moments that I even cried a good amount at.

Jrwi, and largely pd, have become such a big part of my life that I have to stop myself or I doubt I’ll shut up. And that friend I mentioned? We went from strangers to just enough friends I sent her that fateful video to practically siblings, all because I shared my interest with her. We were both the first people we came out to, helped each other through so much in the year and a bit we’ve known each other, and I love her like my sister.

All because of an animatic about a bug horror thing.

And of course, the community. The people I’ve met, mostly those in a jrwi fic server, are so talented and funny and they’re all amazing. I’ve had the chance to write and post on ao3 after reading it for I think 5 years, and the kindness in this community is so incredible it’s almost whiplash to go back to the real world.

So thank you, jrwi. For all you’ve done for me and everyone who watches you.

Sincerely,

An inspired fan

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Okay taking responsibility where it is due because I'm sure that I am not communicating effectively or well with the people around me because I've kind of been in stress shut down mode for the last week and a half, but I'm so tired and I feel very alone and like I'm expected to manage everything by myself and I genuinely don't know if I can anymore.

I've cried at work multiple times every day this week, which is something that has never happened in the entire time I've worked there. Every time I think I have a few minutes to manage a task or take some time for myself I'm asked to do something else and I'm just completely worn out and resigned to it.

Even today, I stayed late at work because I'm missing 3 days next week to take my mom for another surgery out of state, then I had to go pick up supplies that she and my dad need for various things, then I went home and had to dye my mom's hair, and bake a pie for my dad's birthday tomorrow. I assumed that that would be the end of my to-do list for tonight so that I could get some laundry done before we have to leave or try to clean up a little bit because the house is a mess because I've been in a sadness, for a week. Then my mom told me that she wants a special meal for dinner that we don't have the ingredients for, so I have to go to a different store, spend an hour or so preparing that, do the dishes and clean up from that, and by then it will be 8:30 or 9:00 p.m. and they go to bed so I can't make much noise.

But after that I'm still going to have to do all of my laundry, all of my mom's laundry, probably my dad's laundry to get to my mom's laundry, make sure that my dog has been fed and has his medicine, try to clean up a little bit so that the house is more or less ready to have people over when we get back because Christmas will be pretty much upon us...

And I won't have any time to do it tomorrow before we leave because it's my dad's birthday so he wants to go out to lunch and go out Christmas shopping and and and.

And I know that none of these sound like actual problems, I promise that there is some other stuff going on that I'm not going to whine about just now but...

I'm just exhausted.

I feel defeated.

I feel useless and overwhelmed.

[pbandjesse]

I am back in the print shop. For another night of events. I have it on my schedule but this was till 9:00 but apparently when we here till 8:00. That's nice. I did get here a couple minutes late because people are dumb. And I got cut off on the highway and missed my exit. But even though today was very busy it was a good day and I got some Christmas shopping done. So that was really positive.

When I got home last night I was exhausted. The last hour or so of the event was kind of dead. But I talked to some really nice people as they were leaving. And gave out my last prints and everyone was so excited. But I was really glad to get James home.

When we got back there I went to put everything away and feed all the animals. James took the recycling out. I took a shower. And then we went to bed. We were up for a little while talking. But we were both beat.

James woke me up a few times last night. But it was not a big deal. I knew I was going to be able to sleep in an extra 2 hours and I really needed that. So when I did wake up I didn't feel as awful. I did not feel great. But I did feel at least sort of human.

James had already left for work. And while I hate that they still had to go in so early, I don't think I would have been okay waking up and going when they had to leave. I was not doing great I was so sleepy.

But the extra sleep helped and when I got out of the house I felt pretty good. I stopped for breakfast. And got to work on time.

We had a homeschool group. And they ended up being lovely. I don't know about the other grades but my Pre-K and kindergarten group was so nice. There was one baby sibling who cried a lot but whatever. The other kids were really nice and very sweet, though they were very very shy.

Lauren was good to train. I thought it was a little strange that we were training her on little girls because we do them so infrequently right now. But it'll be good for her to be able to jump into them when we do have them. So I told her how to do the programs and we set everything up. And once the kids were ready to go we jumped right into it. My timing was really good on the first program. They did a really good job in the print shop when they had to work on the proof press. And then we had lunch. During lunch Lauren's boyfriend came by with food for her but she didn't know he was going to be there so she had already gone and bought food. And they were very sweet to each other. We all got a good laugh out of the miscommunication though.

And she apparently lives in our neighborhood and takes the bus here. And I think that's unacceptable. We are going to communicate and figure out when we have overlapping schedules so that she doesn't have to take a 40 minute bus to the museum. Not worth it. Unless she really wants to take the bus. Back when I had to take the bus all the time sometimes I just liked having that time to myself. And I won't force it on her.

After lunch the kids had a movie to watch and there was some confusion about the DVD player. There's three remote controls and none of the play buttons worked but it turns out you didn't hit the play button you hit plus sign in the middle of one of the smaller remotes. So I had to go get Mike for help to figure that out. But then I just chilled and talked to James and poked around the museum. James got me a piece of pizza from 7-Eleven. And then it was time for our last program.

Lids, the one where the kids decorate a label for a can, always has timing issues. It does not take a full hour. And one of the bigger issues is that some of the kids are just too little to really sit down and design a label. So it's just scribly scrabbles. Which is very cute but then I have half an hour left of the program and I don't know what to do with it.

The nice thing about homeschool groups though is that when the kids are done the program individually they can just go. So I told the parents that if they wanted to leave once the kids were done coloring that was not a big deal. I put their cans together and made it very special for every single one of them. And I told them that once everyone was done I was going to read a story. And four of them stayed behind. Which is about half of the kids that came today so I didn't mind at all. And they were really quiet and enjoyed the story that we read about dragons.

Afterwards we finish cleaning up. Lauren and me grabbed the boxes and put them away. And then we had to figure out what supplies to do.

I went upstairs and did the last oysters. Me and Lauren had already cut out some vegetables during the kids coloring time so we didn't need any of those. I had Lauren cut fabric for rags in the print shop from the stuff I brought. Because I really didn't want to do it and she said she likes cutting fabric. Then I went up and bothered James for a little bit. I told them that I felt bad that I wasn't taking them home. But I really wanted to go for a drive and go find Christmas presents. And they told me they already had a ride and for me not to feel bad. Then I should go have fun.

So a little bit before 3:00 I left here and I drove over to value village. Where I had great luck and I thought not only a very cute Christmas beanie baby bear. I also found a toy from my childhood that are these mini bears like Polly pockets. A whole bag of them and their accessories. I don't even know what they're called. I hope I can figure it out because I love them so much. And I got gifts. They're mostly silly but a couple of them are really functional. And I got more blanket fabric for my workshop tomorrow. Because I want to have them use stuff that has very low pile but is still very soft. And I only had two colors so now we at least have black and white as well.

So I felt great after that and it was still early so I was like I'm going to go to five guys. And I went and got my five guys and I ate in the car and I realized I still had a lot of time and if I left right then I would be a half an hour early. And so I decided I'm going to go walk around Target. And I ended up finding a really good Christmas gift while I was there. And so I went to wait in line with my two items and the person in front of me had an entire cart full of stuff at the self checkout. Which I hate when people do. At the grocery store is one thing, but at Target is ridiculous.

But I didn't have to wait more than five or six minutes and then I paid and I left.

But then people were stupid and cut me off and made me miss my exit so I got here a couple minutes late. Not that Angie cared. And so far I'm having a great time. I asked the people if there was something specific they would like me to make on the chase because this is not a wedding like I thought it was going to be. It's a college and I think a sponsor? I'm not really sure but they were so excited and so I made a bunch of those and now I'm waiting for the people to come. I think the doors open at 6:00. But there's a couple people milling about right now that are part of the organizing staff. And everyone's really nice. I hope it's a good rest of the night.

Anything I write after this is going to be at the end of the night.

And now I am heading home from the museum! It was a really fun night. A lot of people wanting to know how many times I was going to say the exact same script over and over and over again which was pretty funny to me but I had a great time.

I did a lot of printing and talked a lot. People were great though and had great questions and were really engaged. The event was really funny though I thought it was going to be much different. It was college kids and high school kids and it was like mingling. I had some wonderful conversations with people though. People that were really excited about printing and history. And that was just lovely. And at the end I got to give the last of my prints to someone who worked with the school who was just really jazzed about it and that felt good.

And and the caterers gave me and Aubrey plates of very good food at the end. I wasn't really hungry because I had had dinner at like 4:00. But the thought was really kind. And I had the mac and cheese and it was good. But now I am very excited to go home.

I have a lot to do for my workshop tomorrow. Even if I only have six people. I think we're doing it in the garment loft. Which is fine except it's a little dark. So depending if they're adults or kids will see where we stay. What I think I'm going to do is just come in with James early and set everything up and then just chill. Or it might just date me really long time to set up. I'm prepared either way. I'm going to bring both of my sewing machines that I have at home right now. And the fabric I got today, and the fabric I collected from my storage the other day. And then I have three patterns. They're all basically the same but they have different little quirks. And I got to make sure I grab my examples as well. I did make a sort of PowerPoint but I'm probably not going to bother printing it because I just don't think it's very good. It's just enough to be a visual. Maybe I'll have Annie email it to them afterwards. And if I have time in the morning I'll add a couple more things about the best stitches I think they should use. But I'm not really that concerned about it all in all.

Now that I'm on my way home. And then I'm going to take a shower. Make sure everything's collected. And then I'm going to bed. I hope I don't get a second wind of energy. Because I'm really tired and very thirsty. So I might just have some juice and a glass of water to get some rest.

Tomorrow is my workshop, and then I'm going to sleep for the rest of the day. And then I don't have to do anything until Monday when I take James to the doctor. I am going to need to make my chocolate orange dessert for Monday's holiday party. But that isn't that big of a deal. I might at some point go and pick up the ingredients for that. I'm still not 100 when I'm doing so maybe on Sunday I'll make a test run.

I hope that you all sleep great tonight and you take care of yourself. And you don't work too hard and make yourself go crazy. It's good night everybody.

[trying2cope]

The social worker had said cleaners were coming, but I wasted no time.

I couldn't sleep anyway. I was legitimately traumatized. I could only sleep for like 2 hours at a time, 4 max a night. And if the doorbell rang I almost cried from terror. Even when I could see it was just my child's friend wanting to play through the window!

I cleaned. And I cleaned. And I cleaned. But I am not very good at it, so it was still messy. I joined Body Doubling groups. Body Doubling is a technique used by ADHD people to help us accomplish tasks. Basically if we have someone with us when we clean, it's easier. And since I didn't actually have any close friends in this town to ask, I turned to the Internet and talked on the phone with strangers while I cleaned. And I called my family and my friends. And I listened to podcasts and audiobooks.

I called and made appointments with doctors. For me and for the kids. Me because she'd told me that since my mental health was the reason that the house was messy they wouldn't be able to close the case until I had proof I was taking care of it either via medication or therapy. And of course the kids just needed to get their check ups done anyway. I had been meaning to do it, I'd just procrastinated.

Basically everything CPS asked of me was stuff I would have done on my own in the next 6 or so months anyway. Master and I had been making plans for how to get me better so my house would be clean. And he was making me better. I could feel my depression leaving me, slowly. Even without seeing the doctor to get medicine, having him in my life was making me mentally healthier, I could feel it.

I'd felt bad dating online for the past year. Like I knew if people in my life knew, they'd disapprove. Tell me it was too soon. Tell me that my priorities were out of whack. Tell me that it was dangerous for single moms to date. And all that without the added judgement of knowing it was within the BDSM community.

But there had been a burning drive inside me, making me keep looking, even after Dom after Dom that I'd start to think might be the one turned out not to be. Probably half a dozen or more ghosted me, after amazing conversations where we seemed to click. One of them was a catfish who tried to blackmail me saying send me Bitcoin or I'll publish the naughty photos you sent me. I didn't send him a damn thing and nothing happened. One of them made me scared because he had a dream where he stalked me through the forest and tied me to a tree and raped me and told me of this very excitedly. Another I called him and a woman picked up and screamed "Why are you calling?!" and hung up. Another gave me just enough information about his identity I found him on Facebook... and saw photos of his wife, from like a week ago. And so on and so on and so on.

And yet, I'd persisted. Because something inside urged me too. And now that after my long and very tiring search I had finally found MY Master, I felt myself healing. My brain chemistry knew, I thought. It knew I needed a relationship to give me the happy brain chemicals I lacked, to cure my depression. And it was working.

And because I had him, suddenly everything else was easier. Cleaning, working, making phone calls. All of the normal adult things that I had been struggling with were easier because I'd tell Master what I'd done and he'd tell me "good girl" and I'd be so happy.

So I made a lot of progress that first week, waiting and wondering about this cleaner that was supposed to call me, but didn't.

At the end of the week I sent an email to the social worker, unasked for, telling her my progress. The appointments made for the next week, the amount of garbage bags I'd thrown out (7). And I asked about the cleaner.

So she gave me the cleaner's number and name and I called. Left a message.

But I persisted the second week. We went to the pediatrician, got check ups done. I did more cleaning. Got 6 garbage bags out. I sent an email that week again. Asked about the cleaner.

This time she told me the cleaner has been trying to call me but I haven't been answering.

That was not true. If my phone rang the past two weeks, I'd answered. Which wasn't normally true of me, usually I only answer calls from people I know, but because of what was going on I picked up every time.

So I called again. This time I got a receptionist and I asked for the name. She refused to give me her number but took a message.

Finally, a few days later I got a call from the cleaner, who told me she'd come by the next day. "I had the wrong number!" he told me, laughingly and I felt better. I had figured either that had happened, that the social worker had just written my number down wrong so a 1 looked like a 7. Other speculations, that someone was lying about trying to contact me, would have been more insidious. "We need to do a delousing, right? I do that."

"No! I *told* the social worker they didn't have lice!"

"Oh! So that was a false allegation?"

I explained, about my ex not believing it was gone but it was and me telling the social worker. But apparently she hadn't believed me.

"Well, good! Then I don't feel so bad we haven't connected yet. I'd been worrying the kids had been suffering with lice," she said with a laugh, " but I'm glad they're not."

I had thought this was like a one time deep cleaning, and I'd been working on doing the things that a deep cleaner wouldn't have time to do, like collecting spilled pieces of a board game that were scattered amongst actual garbage on the floor so it wouldn't be thrown out. I'd been sitting on a stool in a room with a broom and sweeping everything the broom could reach in the circle around me, towards me. Then I'd painstakingly sort through the pile, sorting trash from toys and clothes and shoes and stationery items and so on and so forth. Then when I'd finish I'd take each pile and try to find a home for it. I'd had to buy many plastic bins.

The trouble with keeping my house clean I'd realized, wasn't too much stuff. We'd moved here with just a few suitcases and thrift store furniture and basic appliances just a year ago. We had not accumulated too much-- but I'd never done the organizing work of assigning everything workable places. Aside from the kitchen, where there was cabinets and drawers assigned to cups and dishes and pots and pans, every other room in the house I'd basically just assigned to the room. Like toys went in the kid's room, but we didn't have an organization system for them. Just like two big baskets, and we had more toys than fit in them anyway. So I had to buy lots of plastic bins and make one for hot wheels, one for Barbies, etc. Stuffed animals went into the big basket that had been the general toy box before.

And the kids had each grown a size, so now we had more clothes than fit in their drawers if they were all clean. So I had to go through the clothes, after washing everything, to pull the too small things and put them in bags to donate or give away.

And we had more shoes than fit on our one shoe rack between the three people. So I put one shoe rack at the bottom of the stairs and told the kids that one was for them. Because they were always trying to put shoes on as the last part of getting ready before going outside anyway, so it made sense for them to be downstairs, but near the stairs to make it accessible if they wanted to grab them while dressing upstairs. I put the other shoe rack in my room for my shoes.

And while the kitchen had some cabinets assigned, there was stuff like garbage bags and tin foil and dish towels that I had just kind of had out on the counter at all times, so I found drawer space for them.

And when I'd bring in groceries, we had a tendency to drop th bags and not unload them immediately. That is, I'd bring all the bags in and drop them in the living room, then look through them for the frozen and refrigerated stuff and put that away, but leave the rest for "later". And when one of us would make the effort to actually bring the bags to the kitchen, we'd often leave the pantry items on the kitchen table instead of taking the time to put them in the cabinets.

And speaking of grocery bags, we had far too many. Because we don't have a car, I had subscribed to a delivery service but they gave way too many plastic bags. I wanted to be responsible and recycle them so I had a cardboard box to collect them in but that one box turned into three and all of them were filled to overflowing because I didn't have a car to actually drive them to the recycling place.

And we also had a ton of cardboard boxes. When we moved here my parents had taken the appliance and moving boxes and thrown them on my back deck, again for me to theoretically recycle, except a few "good boxes" that they'd flattened and put between my pantry and fridge.

At Christmas time, delivery box after delivery box had come because everyone in my extended family, including myself, were worried my kids wouldn't get enough presents this year since I was struggling to eek out a living. So everyone had gone overboard and I'd resorted to pulling my couch out from the wall a few inches and hiding the cardboard there. But of course, more kept coming.

When the cleaner first came, she did not clean.

She was not insidious. In fact, she was a breath of fresh air.

Turns out, she was a former foster kid. And unfortunately, she was abused in her foster home.

"I do this," she told me passionately, "because I don't want ANY of my families to be separated. I believe kids should NEVER be in fostercare."

She told me didn't do a deep clean like I'd thought.

Instead, she'd visit and help me clean for an hour or two at a time. She'd also help with organizing if I needed it, she said. "Whatever YOU need," she insisted. "I am here to help YOU."

And she also provided transportation help. "Not for any and every little thing, but to provide for things the kids need. Like going grocery shopping or--"

"Can you take us to doctor's appointments?" I asked.

"Yes! Exactly like that." And I had an appointment for the vision doctor the next week so she penciled that into her schedule and said what time she'd arrive.

And she was off.

The next week she picked us up. My son's vision was fine. My daughter needed glasses. I felt guilty. Was that why she wasn't reading? No. It turns out she has 20/20 vision BUT she has "alternating extopia", ie two lazy eyes that take turns. "That actually is a good thing," the doctor explained. "Because it takes the strain off it just being one eye." That didn't make sense to me but I took his word for it.

Her lazy eye wasn't unknown to me. I had thought it was just one eye though. She'd worn glasses for it as a toddler, but her eye had corrected enough then she didn't need them anymore. "As they grow, eyes change," the doctor explained. I was just relieved that that wasn't why she wasn't reading. It really was just stubbornness. And insurance would cover up to two pairs of glasses for kids annually, so it was fine.

So it was three weeks after our first conversation and 5 weeks since the social worker had come when the cleaner and I actually cleaned together for the first time.

She came in and I said let's do the living room and dining room. So she had me sit in my stool and she swept everything in both rooms to me while I sorted. I put trash in the trash bag and what we kept I placed on the dining table chairs. She placed some things that were on the floor but obviously not trash on the couch before sweeping the living room to me. When time was up, the floors of both rooms were spotless, but the dining table and couch were covered. I admit this made me twitchy as I have less trouble with floor mess than surface mess for some reason.

"We work well together," she announced. "You did great!"

I was glad she thought so. And the house did look MUCH better, which was very good because finally, finally, after 10 weeks Master was coming back to visit again.

[kazemi-archive]

let me start with tw: discourse. tw: vent. tw: mentions of sexual harrassment.

tl;dr: i got my name dragged through the mud by a mutual who lied about our relationship and took all my friends from me. who lied about my character and targeted people she knew she could turn against me in order to leave me all alone. who set the progress i'd made on my self-worth, people pleasing, and trust issues back years. and i refuse to take this into the new year with me when i've been carrying it for so long.

to the people who stood by me through this, truly heard my side and were witness to the evidence of this all happening… thank you for consistently reminding me that my existence here is okay.

i'd really like to leave this all in this year, so for the last new moon of 2024, in the light of new beginnings and wiping the slate clean... let me get some things off my chest.

i started this blog in 2022 and it happened to be a really hard year for me. the second half of the year left me single after a 2year relationship, a breakup that also left me homeless for a month. this community did so much for me, giving me friends i could talk to and count on that made me happier. it meant the world to me.

that all got ripped away from me in 2023. all the anxiety that took me so long to get rid of when it came to interacting reset fully.

let’s start from the beginning of it all

in october 2022, a mutual of mine came back into tumblr after a hiatus. her name is Lina. (you may know her as her past users @/tsukina @/celcero, @/zorotits @/millionsknive, @/trafaligar, or her current users @/mrscorazon @/mylaw)

we were extremely close before she left and picked right back up. at the end of october, she confessed her feelings to me and i confessed mine back. i thought things were fine, we didn't pursue a relationship but we flirted all the time and were well aware of the feelings that existed. below are messages of when i thought maybe feelings were possible before we confessed and our actual confession.

(i skipped some messages for the sake of her privacy about personal issues because although i owe her nothing i won’t expose those things)

i started making more friends, closer friends in this time. in december 2022 lina suddenly and without explanation to me, stopped speaking to me as frequently and although it hurt, i didn't push it much, especially since when she returned to conversations it seemed like all was fine. i was brought into her discord server and we would talk in there frequently as friends, never cluing people into how we spoke but she would tell me she loved me and tell me i was hers constantly during our personal conversations.

i did have a few friends on here in this time that i confided in. some getting details from the beginning, having consoled my original freakouts when i realized i had developed feelings for Lina and sticking with me. they were there when i cried about thinking i’d done something wrong when Lina hadn’t been talking to me and wondering if i’d somehow been annoying or overstepped somewhere. for a while i also spoke to a friend from here and had gushed about the good things about Lina. that friend was Maple. that is, until Maple also stopped speaking to me as much.

the last time that Lina told me she loved me (to my recollection) was on new years. it was an hours long conversation that included many voice memos that i can’t post here but here are some screenshots of those messages in question. (for reference about what i'm about to say after i understand its a lot of pictures but its important to me that you understand what our dynamic was at this point)

in february of 2023. the day after submitting to an appearance matchup game for Lina’s blog, i woke up valentine’s day to find that she had blocked me with no explanation. on everything. every social media we had together. (i never checked our imessages but i assumed there too.) not only her, but her online best friend at the time had blocked me as well.

i spiraled trying to figure out what i had done wrong and knowing that i probably would never know. i didn't want to cross boundaries of friends and force them in between us by asking them to ask her and i didn't want to cross her boundaries by reaching out that way either. any friend that found out she had blocked me i had assured that i did not want them to confront her nor did i want them to try and choose a side because what happened between me and here did not have to affect our other mutuals.

this seemed to do nothing to keep her from doing the exact opposite though. within a month... besides Lina and the original other, i was either blocked or soft blocked on everything by 4 other mutuals i had in common with Lina with no explanation. i then lost two more in the same way in the next three months. all of those i lost were close to Lina more than me, at least they had been in recent times. i also was asked to leave the server with this as my only explanation:

(this message was deleted within the hour and i was instead just kicked from the server) i had been effectively excommunicated from the friends i thought i had with no explanation. and i would get no explanations until august 2023.

around april of 2023 i became closer to two mutuals that were also her mutuals. this was Cherry (now @/tonedtsumu) and Peri (now @/bunnyperi). i met Cherry originally in Lina’s server but had really started talking to her after another mutual of mine had brought her into my server. Peri and i met when one friend wanted to include her in the small group of friends i had that we all thought were supportive. after getting to know each other, i finally confessed to Cherry and Peri about what had happened in the past few months and how i had never found out what i'd supposedly done. i’d told them about the fact that it left me with a lot of anxiety, thinking every sentence i spoke was wrong and how i’d pulled away from a lot of people on accident because of this anxiety.

Peri and Cherry at the same time they got closer to me, got closer to her. Peri originally found this strange, telling me that Lina had never attempted reaching out to her as a mutual until they had become more actively interacting with me on tumblr. Peri was invited to Lina’s server to play fortnite when they made the joke that now they could “be the inside man and find out what happened.”

i was repeatedly promised by Peri that if they found out why i was blocked by everyone then they would finally tell me and that nothing they would be told about me would ever affect our relationship. i was also repeatedly told that they weren't "that close" to Lina and her new small group of friends. i felt that i was just being anxious thinking we had started to speak less and convinced myself i was being dramatic. i found out later, however that all of that was a lie as well.

in july of 2023 i took a trip that had been planned for months. the goal was to meet two  mutuals of mine before flying to meet Peri and Cherry. before i got to my second destination, i was informed that Peri had gotten an explanation of why i was blocked. previous to this moment, i only had a vague explanation from one person that Lina had said i’d “crossed a boundary” but that she was very nondescript while explaining that.

Peri admitted that Lina had told them the following explanation: Lina claimed that all of my feelings were one sided. that when she noticed i had romantic feelings that she tried to take a step back but i kept lying to Star and Maple about the things Lina was saying to me. and then, that i’d sent a picture that was “too booby” for her appearance matchup and that was a crossed line she couldn’t ignore and she blocked me. (now, this is a picture i have used in many matchups and i was unaware it was ‘too much’ had i known that, i never would have sent it.)  she told Peri that she then told this recount of the events to others and they decided to block me because it was “creepy”

i had issues with this story because although, yes, Lina had been distant a bit before i was blocked, she had continued telling me she loved me and my feelings were not "one sided" like she'd claimed (as seen by the screenshots i included above from only a month and a half before i was blocked)

however, i then learned that this is not the only story that Lina told people. Peri went on to say that Lina had told Cherry that i sexually harassed her for months before she finally blocked me. (i can only assume that her story changed for every person)

knowing this made me extremely nervous to visit Peri and Cherry. however, the plans were already made and i was hoping that i could get the chance to defend myself in person.

during my time with them, there were times that i thought my anxiety was just getting ahold of me too much. even feared that they would block me the second i left and they were just waiting for it. i was assured, however, by them that everything was fine on multiple occasions and i chalked it up to my new paranoia over friendships.

all my fears were justified when the morning after i arrived back home at the end of july 2023, i woke up blocked on everything by Cherry. i was heartbroken but i didn’t know what to do, i didn’t have emotional energy to bring the conversation up to Peri yet, or to even really talk to anyone much. especially when i noticed Peri slowly cutting the ties between us one by one. by august i was blocked by Peri as well. both had given me no explanations. and both were now closer to Lina.

august was mostly spent on the couch crying and trying to figure out what had happened. Being incredibly distraught about friendships, believing i didn’t deserve any friendships and worrying that all my friends would somehow blame me for this drama and i would just be bound to lose everyone one by one until i was alone.

finding out Lina had adjusted her story about me for every person left me feeling extremely hopeless. especially when no one had tried to talk to me and give me the chance to show my proof of my side. finding out that Lina said, even once, that i had sexually harassed her was incredibly heart-breaking to hear. the hundreds of text messages and voice memos of her confessing to me and saying she meant it as more than a friend. her asking me to move to her. her telling me how she wanted to kiss me and undress me and the sexual comments she made towards me that i specifically chose to ignore because she'd only get sexual when she was drunk and i didn't want to cross a boundary reciprocating that while she was influenced. having tried so hard to preserve her relationships with people and defend her while she had no problem lying about my character in that way made me feel so broken.

i could have more to say about how she treats the people she calls friends and go on, but i will leave it at this for now and say this:

to lose people from lies, to get excommunicated from a community i found safe, to have the progress i'd made with trusting people get set back by yeeeeaaaars by one girl. one girl who decided to turn people against me for reasons i'll never get to know. the amount of nights i've cried myself to sleep over this, considered deleting my blog over this. the fact she dragged it out for 6 months. i open tumblr fearing i've lost another friend. open discord fearing i've been blocked with no explanation. i hope i can one day but i’m honestly not sure if i’ll ever be able to open one of these apps and just double check i still have mutuals or that people i thought i was close to haven’t randomly unfriended me.

she took all our mutual friends from me. well, took them or dropped them. while i so desperately tried to keep to myself about it, not wanting something that happened between her and i to affect her and other people.

tumblr should be safe for people. it should not be a place where we accuse people of doing things that they didn't. it shouldn't be a place that we fear coming to. it shouldn't be a place that stirs anxiety within us.

and god. to Lina. to the ones who left me after i confessed things to them. the ones who made me trust them that they would tell me what happened then lied to my face... truly i hope karma bites you in the ass.

if you read all of this; i apologize for airing my shit on dash but this needed to get off my chest before the new year. (i will be turning off anon for the time being. if you would like to reach out you may do so privately).

[hastings727]

Going to Community College has Been Fun!

We had an interview project a while back, and I interviewed my trans friend Rhy about fighting games, and being trans in the fgc (fighting game community), and Guilty Gear. Dear reader, when I tell you that I was fuckin' MOTIVATED (insert vergil meme). After he (my teacher) announced the project, I was on my phone asking Rhy if she could be my interviewee, and as soon as she said yes I was GONE. We set up the date at the local fgc meetup and I shot tons of B-roll, and shot about an hour and a half of interview footage. I started editing a few days later and I felt lost for a bit at all my footage. And then I remembered my editing teacher saying to NAME EVERYTHING that you look at, and to use the marker tool for specific spots you want to clip. Off again I was. Nearly 2 hours of footage and over 35 clips of B-roll all markered and clipped and I was picking songs, setting all that shit up over the next 4 days. I sent it in a day early and felt so pleased about it. I was watching and rewatching my video, so proud of it. And after I showed the video, the entire class was literally clapping. I was so blown away, I cried in the car after class I was so overwhelmed. Because not only was I enjoying school, not only was I completing assignments, not only was I turning in my work. But people liked it? Me? the person who's spent his entire life just being an internet nerd? The guy who cleans toilets at the local Wawa got an ovation from his entire classroom. I am broken in the best way possible.

The best part in all of this is my teacher finally graded it like a month later, and I check it today and he gave me a B. Which was fair! Because the footage was a bit wobbly in parts, I should have used the tripod more, and I had Rhy hold the lapel mic because I wasn't sure if I could hear her well enough when we were testing. It makes me so happy to have been given that fair criticism. It doesn't erase my joy at creating the video, it doesn't erase the ovation I got from my classmates. It just means that I have so much more to learn, and so much more to get better at.

I honestly don't think younger me could have done any of this. I was too scared, too emotional, too broken over trying to exist in this world. As much as I rue not figuring this all out until the age of thirty one, nineteen year old me wouldn't have done it anyway. And thats okay.

[lifewithoutmeds]

september 13, 2023

5:26 p.m.

week in review: 9/9/2023: oppah called in the morning and talked to me for an hour and a half. mostly about himself, but he also seemed to be inviting me out to something called "echo park rising," but i declined as i was meeting up with anjali later. at 1:15 my mom swung by and picked me up, and we went to three nearby open houses (condos.) nothing looked good, and it was hot, and afterward we went to fish king where we split a spicy tuna roll. around 6pm, anjali came by, and we went to joon shabu shabu which was pretty good. then we came back to the condo, chatted, and watched three episodes of the office before retiring.

9/10/2023: woke up pretty tired as i think anjali had left around 10 or 10:30 which was late for me. barely was up in time for my 9:05 a.m. pick up by my mom. we went to church, then to roscoe's afterward for lunch. i proposed that we try a new restaurant every time we go to church, and she seemed happy about it. i was in much better spirits than the last time she saw me. we both discussed our desire to get back into church; she wanted to join a choir maybe, and i wanted to plug into some sort of community group, but preferably a similar demographic and not that of Lake Avenue's. on our drive back, she choked up talking about how she had a sense of shame/embarassment from having stayed in the marriage so long, and i choked up too, saying that she left when she had too, when she was strong enough, when she was brave enough, and she shouldn't get upset at herself for not leaving sooner. i compared it to my own coming out, how i couldn't have done it when i was 12 or 13, how i was up against my parents, my church, my society, and i thought that was my life, and i'd just never be happy and i'd just be plagued by suffering until i died. she said she had no idea, and also thanked me, and said something like, "i know why you're saying that and i thank you." i came home pretty exhausted, took about an hour nap, then headed over to rhiannon's for the third time in two months which kind of felt like a lot. we went to go watch this new lesbian high school comedy called Bottoms, which was pretty fun, then we ate some pizza's at BJ's, my treat, as it was her birthday. i came home tired. i think i cried a tiny bit, but this could also have been a product of an upcoming period, evidenced also by the fact that i started each morning by eating a few scoops of haagen dazs coffee ice cream.

9/11-9/12/2023: these days just bled into each other. i was tired all day, barely did any work, and would take long naps during lunch. i didn't do any chores, didn't make my bed, didn't really do anything but stare at my phone and lie down. the only differences between each day was that on monday i met up with tracy, and we went to a new bar called The Fable in eagle rock (which was just ok. strong but not particularly tasty drinks, no food, too dark, and regular clientele that didn't seem to appreciate outsiders,) followed by spitz, which she enjoyed. i had had two strong drinks and was drinking a big beer and got pretty buzzed, and talked a lot, about embarrassing things, shameful things, for which i felt shame the next morning. tuesday after work i went all the way over to century city again, where i met up with patti, alex, and matt, and we ate dumplings at din tai fung and caught up with patti, who was planning on moving back to LA in the next month. she also walked me to my car and i cried as i told her how i'd been. she was incredibly kind, compassionate, and conciliatory, and i felt ... seen. heard. cared for.

9/13/2023: not sure what it was, but i made my bed this morning. delayed my coffee. washed two loads of dishes. took out recycling. took close to an hour walk at lunch. was very productive at work, made two cluster presentations, got good feedback from my bosses, and at the end of the day, SUZY called. i hadn't heard from her in several months (i think we may have met up in a group in january) but she rarely if ever calls me. she asked if i was okay, concerned about an ig story i had posted earlier, and i broke down and started crying again. she was kind and conciliatory and i was so thankful. she also basically forced me to agree to get lunch with her in a week, even though it'd be on a working day for me, but it wasn't for her, and apparently every other day she is busy with the work or the children, so i guess that was the only day that worked for her. it was very good to hear from her and she said she loved me and i remembered that i was loved, that i had friends, that i loved them, and that somehow, in these near-40 years of life, i had forged some really intense, life-long friendships, which also made me cry a little. among the things she said was that she was pretty sure i'd find love again, and that if i had nothing else to hope for, i had that. and that i had gotten to experience love, and learn from it, and ... who knows, something else from it.

i think some of the crying is PMS. but each time i cry, i cry a little less. well this time i cried a LOT, like heaving, hiccuping crying, where i had to hold my breath because i sounded so bad where i couldn't even get out words. but before this crying spell, i went a record 5 days without crying, which was a new record for this month. i should give myself a little credit for that. and even though sometimes the loss of jadai feels so close, at other times, it feels a little more distant, like an echo. i hope it keeps fading and fading with time.

Upcoming Week: 9/14/2023, Thursday: In office, as we'll have an in-person meeting. afterward will be a kind of random dinner with stacy and catherine. rather, they had planned it for themselves, and when i randomly texted stacy, she invited me along. fortunately i'll already be downtown so it won't be too far away. it will be good to see them and another reminder that there are people out there. there's a community. there's support.

9/15/2023, Friday RDO: undecided yet, but may go fishing with Tracy. might go on a hike. might register for the october volunteer registration for the burbank animal shelter.

9/16/2023, Saturday: No plans!

9/17/2023, Sunday: might check out Bread Church, where grace goes in the morning. also plan to meet up with kendy at matt in the afternoon, tentatively 2-5 p.m. after i basically begged them to meet up with me because i liked them and i needed the company and care.

9/18/2023, Monday: noon check in with psychiatrist, and dinner at grace k's. i forget why, but we randomly texted one another last week and she invited me over for dinner and we decided on monday.

i'm really glad i have some social things planned. i need to be around people. my best experiences in life have been with people, and the closer i've felt to them, the better the experience has been. my times with jadai, my trips with antoinette, playing the guitar with lorena, staying in the cabin with my Venice CG. these were the best times, the memorable times, the most treasured times. so as much as i'm being told to go adopt a dog, i think i need to try and connect with people as much as i can.

one of the better things that i'm thinking about the past month is that i've never tried so hard to get out of this. i'm reaching out, i'm researching volunteer opportunities, i'm journaling constantly, i'm looking into a new church, i'm asking for help. i'm trying. i'm remembering who i was pre-jadai, and so far it hasn't been that great honestly, but i'm trying to find whatever impelled me to live for 35 years before i met her. i'm not in my 20's anymore, most of my friends have married/moved away, but they're still there, albeit in smaller doses, and with more planning, etc. but i need to keep trying.

[beyond-abyss]

CHAPTER THREE (because I haven't edited chapter 2 and it's not important don't worry about it)

Velkyn had already let the human girl live longer than she deserved, another day past the initial fight, but tonight she would die by his hand. Thanks to the shadow dїmon essence in his veins, Velkyn was as unknowable as the night around him. Creeping through the woods growing atop the drakback, Velkyn avoided waking the strange, glowing creatures that thrived in the branches. He snuck across rope bridges, causing them to quiver less than a light breeze would, and found Noa's quilt-draped abode.

The elves who lived in Distinguished Diumer's community atop a giant dragon-turtle creature had a special way of coaxing trees to grow in peculiar shapes, crafting concave half-homes and covering the rest with tents of quilting. As the two newest tenements, Noa and Velkyn were given new-grown homes and old quilts at opposite ends of the village. It was no secret that the drow wanted the human dead. And so, after only one peaceful day, Velkyn was determined to finish what he'd started in the bar.

Creeping to Noa's quilt-tent, secret boot dagger drawn, Velkyn had only the intake of a breath to decide his course of action as he beheld the assassin who was already poised to stab Noa. With that breath, he cried out, "NO!" loud enough to wake the whole forest, and tackled the fellow knife-wielder to the floor. Noa lurched awake, brown hair wild and brown eyes wilder as Velkyn became locked arm against arm with the would-be assassin. The two youths were both trying to stab one another and block the other's knife in identical actions. The one advantage which tipped the fight? Noa's swift and vicious kick to the assassin's head.

"I had her," Velkyn grumbled as Noa gaped at the unconscious orc girl.

"Was she trying to kill me?" Noa blinked rapidly at her would-be attacker just before screams tore apart the tranquil night. Both drow and human flung open the quilt curtain to take in the battle unfolding in the surrounding treetops. The varied residents of the drakback community were each defeating poorly dressed assassins with the same swiftness as Noa. Precise but brutal blows rendered the attackers unconscious or dead, and just as quickly as it began, it ended.

"What in Hell's latrines just happened?!" Noa yelled, dragging the orc girl out onto the landing of the rope bridge. "Who are these people, where did they come from, and why did they want us dead?!"

As Velkyn followed her out, she turned, confusion pinching her face, and said to the dark-elf, "And why were you in my room?"

Velkyn considered lying, then decided to share the instantaneous decision he'd made. "I was going to kill you in your sleep, but couldn't do that if this kid did it first," he admitted. Noa narrowed her eyes and turned fully to face Velkyn. "Now that I've seen it attempted, I realize that it would be too quick and boring a death for you, Lunnoa."

As the other elvish folk made their rounds checking on each other before coming to Noa and Velkyn, the human girl and drow boy glared at one another in silence. Just before Diumer was in earshot, Noa said, "I'm going to choose to believe it was some kind of dumb luck which saved my life twice in one instant. I will not be so unprepared next time."

Chaos ruled the remaining hours of night as everyone tied up the surviving attackers, and conferred with Diumer about what could be done. Ignoring the commotion, Velkyn sat keeping his own company by a fire, polishing his blade and wondering if it truly had been selfishness that drove him to protect his prey. Or if, in that moment, the horror he had felt seeing a dagger poised above such a helpless victim had snagged at something broken inside himself.

Or perhaps Velkyn refused to be robbed of the satisfaction of killing Noa after all the trouble she'd caused him. No matter why, he had chosen to save her life, on the very night which he had vowed to end it.

"You're a vicious piece of work," the human said, her arms crossed as she emerged from the dark. Noa's insult carried the air of a compliment as she wandered over to stand opposite Velkyn by the fire. "The way you and that assassin countered each other's every move… You've been trained?"

Velkyn stopped polishing his knife. "There's no counter for an idiot's interference, though, no matter how much you've trained."

Noa narrowed her eyes when the elf looked up at her and flashed a false smile. "That day in the bar, your knife hit me in the shoulder. You were aiming for someone else."

"I take it back: not an idiot, just a fool."

"Why does someone as arrogant and obviously silver-spoon-fed as you have the skills of an assassin?"

Velkyn tensed and turned the knife in his hand, pleased by the human's equally tense reaction. "Why don't I tell you my tragic life story while you braid my hair over a cup of tea?" Noa rolled her eyes, but Velkyn kept going, "Or better yet, how about you show me the art of sword swallowing which you so obviously learned in the circus you come from?" He wiggled his knife near the fire. "Here, put this in your throat!"

Noa spat on the ground between them, and Velkyn fell silent. A long pause crackled like the fire pit as Noa opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again, only for nothing to come out. She turned and marched back into the dark towards Diumer's friends, muttering and kicking moss. Velkyn let his gaze return to the firelight on his blade, wondering why he had saved her.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It’s been a while since my last confession. I recently realized why I stepped off my pattern abruptly, shut down, and just stopped trying to graduate. I was SA’d. I’m not sure if this will get posted because I’m mentioning a TW for most people and if not I understand and it’s okay. But I was. It took me 2,026 days to realize this. I went back just now to find the context clues for the day it happened and the day I realized it had happened because I conceptualize to avoid feeling.

When I did have this epiphany I was alone in my car, working, I started crying and I couldn’t do anything for the next two hours. I hated them. I think I still do. I hated the friends I had at the time for not reaching out and just letting me go but how can I hate kids for not understand what took me almost 6 years to understand. I remember I walked away from everything immediately. It had happened on a weekend at a small intimate birthday party for one of our friends, I had walked home alone before any woke up the next morning at 5am and it was a 2 miles, a 45 minute walk in solitude. I this is why I feel safest on foggy mornings, low light, no one awake yet, because that’s what greeted me first. And it had been the kindest greeting I had gotten in comparison to what was next.

I heard he had joked about it and people had laughed, about what specifically I didn’t ask but I stopped going to school after that. I’d had so many absences throughout the years that it just looked like I was giving up, and everyone had thought I’d give up anyways.

See I always had a plan, I coast through the school year and fix everything to D’s at the end to pass, I’d done it for years. I knew where I was going after high school (to our closest community college, it’s one of the good ones though) and I knew I’d already fallen so far behind that it didn’t matter what I did now, it just mattered what I did there. But it didn’t matter what I did at all anymore.

My friends were the support system, eventhough they’d been switched out through the years, that encouraged me to even show up whether they knew it or not. I had no doubts I would graduate just fine, suffer in that boiling sun and walk down the isle with people I’d known through diapers and braces. But I didn’t. I woke up mid-day, in bed, knowing I’d slept through it all and I knew that’s all anyone really expected from me. I still remember the face of a friend that following monday, someone who would have stopped it, who I looked for when I got too drunk, who I felt safe with and had been reassuring his girlfriend only an hour earlier on his phone in a drunk rant that college is going to suck at first and it’s going to be hard but she’ll find her people and they’ll be awesome people because she’s awesome and that I’d kick the ass of anyone who said otherwise (we knew I couldn’t but she cried anyways and said she missed everyone).

I hadn’t known he had gone home sometime between that phone call and me looking for him. His face crumpled a little when he saw me that following Monday, I don’t know if I’m the only one who would have noticed, walking into our history class we’d shared that year he said “OP I’m so sorry I wasn’t there” and my response “it’s fine” because it was. He was just a kid too. There was no need to tell anyone how long I looked for him before it happened, and after it happened. How I’d walked to his house half a mile away just to stare at it and walk back. We were never close but you can feel good people and he was one of them, someone I knew I would have been okay with.

Looking back it should have been a red flag that I was looking for someone who wasn’t there when more of my friends were still drinking and having fun. A red flag that I didn’t feel safe with them. But I went back anyways because they were my friends. My friend who kissed me outside, who took his sister’s car keys, my friends who saw us and did nothing, if anything I remember their laughs and one of them shooing them away because they could probably see me, it’s always worse for the girl to be seen. I’ve always had this knowing feeling that someone took a picture but I don’t have a memory to back it up because most of it was a black out. I didn’t remember anything at all for a long time. Just that something had happened and I didn’t know what. I’m still not sure if I want to know. If I ever do.

Dear Charlie,

Thank you for letting me use you as a timeless diary throughout the years. They’re everything I never allow myself to be, always uncalculated and messy and unproofread other than just now to change my “I’m sorry” to a “Thank you”. That my entries have been and lengthy and under every name other than my own. It’s been so long I only remember one of them now, so it’s the truest I’ll use. Thank you to the faceless void who takes all the bad I’ve never been able to voice, the air that dries the tears on my face now. I want you to know things are good with me, even if they’re not, I believe they will be someday.

Yours,

Ellie R Martin (leb)