#crepe (more insane) rambles

[monards]

(why and how) The Heart of Naberius is Rhinedottir's plan to absolve herself 

( a slight crack theory brought to you, by yours truly !!!!! )

  I think that it’s sort of just a general fact that the amount of motives rhine could have to taking the heart of naberius are as plenty as there are theories on who and what paimon is ,,, but after a long and hard night of thinking (chugging three bottles of water and listening to the silver thread soundtrack) I came to the very indecisive conclusion that may or may not be using it for the purpose of absolving her sins.

   As far as we know (and can assume) ; the Heart of Naberius is some adjacent to a gnosis, mostly due to the idea of ‘hearts’ and it holding some inordinate amount of power –  whether that be because it IS a gnosis, or is some sort of primitive/alternate version for another level of power in celestia’s hierarchy is debatable, but it still stands that it more or less likely holds a similar purpose and power as the gnosis the archons have.   In the Fontaine archon quest; it is very much drilled into us that a gnosis has a WHOLE lot of meaning besides just being a communication gateway between both archon and celestia. We find out not only that, hey!! those are actually the third descenders’ corpse!! lolsies!!! – but also that they have SOME association with the sovereign’s power, whether that be on their own or through their respective god/archon. Since, by Neuvillette acquiring it after Focalor’s death, he - for the most part- properly gains back his abilities and powers as the Hydro Sovereign

 And obviously, that's all fine and dandy!!! Woohoo for gnosis lore!! But in the case of looking at Rhinedottir; that adds a WHOLE lot of weight onto her possible plan with the Heart of Naberius.

  Beginning at just the cataclysm, there’s a clear connection between Rhinedottir and ‘Dragons’; > Two of her most prevalent creations are both Durin & Elynas ; and a common thread between the two is their CONTINUOUS description of being ‘otherworldly’ or ‘disfigured’ in some manner   ^ This is incredibly important because it directly aligns with what would be expected of the Dragon Sovereign. They lived in a Teyvat which is noted to be much, much harsher and different from the modern-day; And so, that would imply that, evolutionary, they would’ve evolved to be built for far, far more rugged and tough landscape then what Teyvat is today– we even see this fact in comparing Apep to just Dvalin & Azdaha ; she’s notably larger, and far, far more intimidating and ‘otherworldly’ to put it simply.   ^ This is important because, quite evidently, both Elynas and Durin in no way appear to be ‘made’ for Teyvat. Both, when compared to other draconic-creatures, are out of place; Being excessive in size, notably different physical appearances (think difference between how Durin is described “black skeletal dragon with glowing red eyes. His wings have long veins running along the folds.” VS Dvalin who’s described as “that bejeweled, lovely dragon”) Both of their appearances directly align with the line of thinking you’d have with the sovereign; and even more, it’s clear from comparing just Apep & Elynas– Both have serpentine like forms, which are excessive in size, which can also harbour life in them. Which, I REALLY doubt is a coincidence .   ^ Plys, even more, Just their abilities alone clearly surpass some of the more powerful entities we’ve met. As is seen in Durin and Dvalin’s battle during the cataclysm; where Durin (to put it very very kindly) almost completely wiped the floor, and probably would have, if he hadn’t become aware of WHAT he was doing. This fact alone already establishes that all of the dragons Rhinedottir has created have in no way aligned with the standards of Teyvat as it is today, because even in fighting an archon and celestial dragon– these abilities are FAR excessive in strength and power. Meaning that, more or less likely; they were intended for survival in a far, far harsher environment– one akin to Teyvat prior to the primordial one.   ^ Also, although it’s a bit more crude of an idea; this can explain why subject two was not killed after being essentially fed to Durin ; as it can imply that there was some trait in his anatomy that fostered his growth while in dvalin’s belly, rather than digesting and ACTUALLY killing him. And the only known dragons, and notable creatures, to have that ability IS Apep; one of the Dragon Sovereign. > All of this would imply that, as of that point, there’d already been an attempt to resurrect/recreate the sovereign for one reason or another.  

  And, even more, by just looking at the real mythological Naberius himself, he “restores lost dignities and honors,” ; which aligns terribly well with the narrative of Rhinedottir attempting to restore her dignity and honor as a scientist, and someone who was clearly working to provide food and resources to the people of Khaneriah, by erasing her title as a ‘sinner’, let alone The Great Sinner 

// This is maybe where I go a little more off the rails by throwing Albedo into this mess. Everything beyond this point is babbling. 

Albedo’s involvement;

  We know that Albedo was, obviously, born after the cataclysm; and this isn’t all to consequential until you remember a certain Iudex who was brought into power 400~ years ago, meaning that, as of the point Albedo was created; Rhinedottir would’ve been be fully aware of Neuvillete’s existence ,, which implies a WHOLE lot of things.

   If the gnosis truly does hold the power of the dragon sovereign; this could explain Albedo’s purpose.       At that point in time; Rhinedottir would be formally aware that The Dragon Sovereign can, and are, as far as Neuvillette goes, reincarnated as humans. Meaning that she didn’t have to keep making dragon after dragon, to fulfill her goal; and instead, just had to make a human.   //  Just looking at them alone; both Neuvillete and Albedo hold PLENTY of similarities in their stories that can imply that, in some way, Albedo’s creation and story/fate may or may not take major inspiration from Neuvillette himself // Both feel as if, in some way, they’re ‘separate’ from the rest of humanity;   They’re both notoriously unfamiliar with a plenty of things, which if you squint a bit at; have the same base concept and ideas. They’re both actively learning to understand humanity through another person, too >  Neuvillette, through Furina and her continuous insistence, learns all about humanity; their sorrows, their ambitions, their sacrifice, etc… – and, it can very easily be assumed the one reason he’s not a total and complete recluse is DUE to her pushing and prodding for him to get out, and experience humanity as it is. > Albedo shares a similar point of learning through Klee,, with her acting as his line between his research, and the people of Mondstadt– and just as Furina does Neuvillete- she acts as his reason to connect and learn about humanity, as through her, he takes break from his continuous work and research in dragonspine, to come to Mondstadt!! (this probably isn’t a very good explanation of klee & albedo’s lore,, but one of my loveliest mutuals @haidengjiehas a ton of very very very amazing explanations on their blog that explains their relationship in a lot more depth and thought if you want to understand them more !!!!!!!!  )

  // They also both share a common theme of wanting to learn of, or acquiring some ‘truth’ – and even though this is a common plot device in most of the characters in genshin– i think it’s very important with these two especially; because, more often than not, this truth is derived from humanity itself; >   Neuvillete, prior to coming to Fontaine, was likely horribly similar to Apep in thought and perspective.   We even see so in his character stories, and lack of understanding around humanity as a whole; that he had no initial understanding of humans, or modern Teyvat, prior to being Iudex.   However, it’s established that as of after Fontaine's archon quest; he has officially learned what's essentially the ‘truth’ to him; that humans aren’t what he has made them out to be, all this time; that, instead, they’re dynamic. They experience both joy and sorrow, selfishness and sacrifice– and that above all, they’re not in any way the seemingly despicable entities he likely initially thought them to be for many, many years ( think his “He would never admit that he himself had become quite fascinated with the joys and sorrows of humanity.” line in his 5th character story) >   Albedo also shares this common thread of narrative !!!   Albedo, prior to becoming chief alchemist of the KOF, likely had little to no understanding of humans outside of Rhinedottir, which would imply it definitely wasn’t the.. best of opinions, if she was all he was going based off of.   But, in becoming Chief Alchemist; he was put into a position where he was now exposed to all sorts of people. He was exposed to warmth and love , ambition and determination, and the way many people cope with the adversities in their life.   ^ And, even though we haven’t seen him come to his ‘truth’ yet, we can very well anticipate that this truth is meant to be obtained through this exact manner as Neuvillete’s. In his 5th character story, we see him note "I hope this isn't just wishful thinking, but... when parents speak to their children about 'the meaning of this world'... surely they just mean the pursuit of a happy life?" which, given his very, very clear intelligence and better understanding of the world and humanity now; it’s cleary implied that he’s likely already surmised in some way that Rhinedottir had this intention in sending him out into the world (Thinking back to my Rhinedottir knowing she could never provide Albedo a real example of humanity post,) ; similarly to how Neuvillette  had– she wished for him to acquire this truth through understanding and experiencing humanity.

 Roping this all back into this purpose; this could very well entail that, similarly to how Neuvillette is to the Fontanians and their sins, Albedo’s purpose is to act as salvation for Rhinedottir, (or even khaneri’ah as a whole, if you wanna get REALLY into it)   The gnosis, after Neuvillete's acquisition of it, allowed for him to regain his authority; and forgive the ‘sins’ of the people of Fontaine. The event during which he forgives these sins, prior to what happens, is very, very much similarly referred to as whatever event albedo is to ‘lose control’ during.

  // Both of these events have inherently negative connotations. Obviously, the flooding of Fontaine was implied to result in the death of every single Fontanian; However, it ended up being the opposite– As, after Neuvillete finally realized ‘truth’ he chose to save them, rather than fulfill his original intent to not do anything to save them, which would’ve had them all killed (Think the fact he came to fontaine with a similar mindset as Apep towards  humanity and modern Teyvat.)   ^ As of now; whatever Albedo has been referring to has had VERY similar treatment. In almost every instance of Albedo mentioning it, he almost always implies it isn’t gonna end well; and by law of assumption, that leaves us thinking Mondstadt going bye-bye.   ^ The issue with this, though, is his acquisition of truth. He has, as of yet, not found out what ‘the truth of this world’ really is; mostly due to him not fully understanding where to begin with it. He has the idea, obviously; we see the budding of those thoughts in him thinking that maybe Rhinedottir really had just wanted him to live a happy life to achieve the truth– and, if that were the case- that would mean the exact mirroring of Neuvillete’s story; which could very well imply that whatever this event of him ‘losing control’ is, can be controlled and prevented in a roundabout way.

  ///   We can also very well assume that, similar to Neuvillette, in Albedo ‘losing control’ ; he’s bound to gain some abilities which would shoot his power scaling up. T >  This power is very likely going to come from the Heart of Naberius; as it’s a recurring theme in almost every one of rhine’s creations, that there power and entire being is derived from their heart (hence why they’re such important elements in their stories) and being as right now, out of all her “miraculous creations” , he has yet to gain a real and monumental demonstration of a physical heart ; and there’s no other painstakingly obvious source for this newfound power THEN the Heart of Naberius.   ^ Upon obtaining this power, he would be made to make the choice between fulfilling what he believes was his intent to gaining that power; or the opposite, and saving Mondstadt instead– which is more or less likely to be the case; which if you wanted to get symbolistic with it, could really show him obtaining a ‘heart’– as hearts are mostly commonly utilized to represent love and compassion.

//  >  And, if we’re still assuming that some portion of the dragon sovereign’s authority is held within the gnosis, and the Heart of Naberius IS a gnosis of some kind; this would then align him in under the same logic of how Neuvillete describes himself, “he is one strong enough to equal and rival "the human realm," and logic would dictate that he need not subscribe to this system known as "fate."” This explanation would also explain Mona’s lack of note on his constellation in her voiceline around him.   ^ The importance of Mona's voiceline is that it’s the EXACT same thing that happened in Fontaine. The Traveler & Paimon were at a point of understanding that Fontaine was destined to be destroyed, with everyone being bound to turning back into oceanids   ^ However, Nicole (and what we can assume is the rest of Hexenzirkel) are aware this is not the case. And although Nicole does not fully disclose it to us, she in no way insinuates that what we know is the full truth.  // This aligns with Mona’s reaction, as it shows her neither confirming or denying Albedo’s fate in discussing his constellation; she instead steers around the topic, and merely spends her voiceline about him talking about him as whole– not his constellation, or anything pertaining to it and his fate– only who he is. She would know we’re aware of what we believe is bound to happen to Albedo; because we’re REPEATEDLY established as being some of those closest to him, so it’s not as if she’s hiding it for his safety, or privacy – instead she’s vehemently avoiding the topic, implying she knows something we don't; and that she can’t tell us, as if we were to know– it’s very likely we could in some way throw off fate; Think how we, as a descender, have the power to change Teyvat’s fate. And in us knowing what is fated to happen, we could in some way act abnormally due to that knowledge, and change what was originally bound to happen– which would alter the course of destiny, which could very well then lead to all hell for Albedo.   // ^ this can also explain what we assume is her ignorance towards Rhinedottir.   In knowing Albedo’s fate is not what it really is, and stated to be– and is instead far, far better than it; she would be aware Rhinedottir does not have wholly bad intentions, and neither is a monster sending her son to slaughter, hence her not lambasting her at any point– and even indirectly saying she’d wish would’ve rather not had Barbeloth as her master, while discussing the way Albedo had turned out, while RAISED by Rhinedottir ; which very, very much implies she finds some good qualities in her, to warrant that opinion (Because, as much as Mona may not like Barbeloth; I’d doubt she’d prefer a supposed homicidal maniac who has fated literally every one of her children to death, had that been the case.)

     // Obviously; there’s also the point and situation that the gnosese themselves don’t hold the Sovereign's power; but even then, there’s a very clear way to escape that paradox of a problem.   If we follow the alternative theory that the archon/god in relation to a gnosis needs to be killed, resulting in the destruction of their ‘throne’ and release of the sovereign authority; then Rhinedottir’s obviously capable of making that happen.   We see VERY clearly that Rhinedottir has knowledge and ability that can kill god, as if Durin was able to do all that to Venti & Dvalin; it’s been over 500 years since she created him, and if there’s anything to be established about Rhinedottir– it’s that she’s HIGHLY ambitious. So it’s right of assumption that at some point over the past few centuries, she’s definitely acquired enough of the knowledge/ability and power required to create an entity, or strategy, to dispose of whatever god is directly connected to the heart of Naberius.   ^ This is even established by her following the Shade Of Life’s steps; She would, and does, clearly have the plan to gain some authority/power in equivalence to celestia, and it can be a possibility that she’s mirroring the Shade Of Life as her example to achieve such status. (Since shades are direct fragments of the primordial one; it can be assumed they’re some of the most powerful entities in Teyvat; which would explain why Rhinedottir would mirror one.)   ^ This would then explain her absence. Similarly to both Focalors and Neuvillette; Neuvillete functions just as he does with no idea of Focalors’ plan, and Focalors works behind the scenes to orchestrate everything so that it all plays out as she intends it. 

Does this imply Rhinedottir may or may not self sacrifice? Maybe. Can this also imply another Focalors & Furina parallel being established between Rhinedottir and a new “Miraculous Creation” she may have made over the past 400-ish years since albedo? Maybe. Does this also maybe-possibly mean that Rhinedottir smoked multiple pipes using the leaves of irminsul tree to obtain this absurd amount of knowledge? Perhaps. Am I gonna elaborate? Absolutely not bbecause oh my GOD are my fingers burning with how much i’ve had to type.

(big, big, BIG creds to @mchib for reading this and letting me know how insane i sounded. you are so lovely and i appreciate you very much. (can you guys tell what the verdict was.))

[you-are-so-much-better-than-that]

Gonna be a brat and ask you about your wedding “opiniona”s. 😂

LOL! This ask still makes me laugh! Ok, listen. I have never been married. I have never had a wedding. But I have been to what feels like seven thousand weddings (I have six weddings this year), have been a bridesmaid seven times, a maid of honour twice, hosted numerous showers, and have helped friends plan their weddings, diy decorations for their weddings, meet wedding vendors, etc etc. I really do love weddings, but I have a lot of opinions about them. The most controversial of which is the following:

Wedding cakes and physical invitations are a waste of fucking money!! More under the cut because I assume no one else wants to hear me ramble about weddings.

The whole wedding industry is wild, but you wanna know what I'm going to do with your wedding invitation? Put the date in my calendar, snap a picture so I know where to go that day, and throw it away because what am I gonna do with fancy card stock? Or velum paper? Or, my least favourite, invitations that come laser printed on a slab of acrylic?? That's like $10 an invite!! Insanity! Just send me a fucking evite! Or text! I'm happy to be invited by text.

As for cake! Listen. I love a cake cutting moment. Sugar Sugar or How Sweet It Is or Cake By the Ocean if you wanna get spicy playing in the background as you cut into an insane piece of art work that you and your partner feed each other? Love it! Yes! Please gimmie that! BUT the PROBLEM my dear friend, is NO ONE EATS THE FUCKING CAKE!!

When my sister got married, she had a 250ish person wedding, just under even, which by Egyptian standards is a small wedding. She got a three tier cake, which is not an outrageous cake. She told her cake vendor to make one for 125 people because you don't expect your guests to actually eat much cake. It cost $550. The first tier they took home to sit in their freezer for a year to later be thrown out after they each took one bite of their nasty ass one year old frozen then defrosted cake because tradition. The second tier is the one they cut into for the cute cake cutting moment. It was adorable. They have a picture of it on their wall. I don't remember the song I was probably crying. Anyway. The hall cut up the rest of that second tier for guests They said they'll cut up the final tier if necessary. It was NOT necessary. In fact, I witnessed them throw away at least half of the second tier slices they had cut up. And they gave me the final tier to take home. I would cut out large slices and give them to friends. I took a piece to work with me. I tried so hard. And yet, I threw away about half of that last tier. So let's review: top tier--thrown away after two bites, middle tier--50% thrown away, final tier 50% thrown away, possibly more as I am not responsible for what I gave away. I basically threw away at least $400.

No one eats cake when they've just had dessert and theirs a waffle/crepe and ice cream bar at the end of the night! If you must, get a tiny two tier cake, cut into the one, keep the top for tradition. Save your money. Like three of your guests will miss the cake.

Other opinions I have: don't cheap out on a photographer, don't give a favour with your name/wedding date (in fact, the best wedding favour is one I can eat later like jam or honey or tea, extra points if local, double extra points if it also supports a cause--I once got jam from a local farm that gave half their proceeds to a women's shelter and it was the best!), and, if you're asked to give a speech, don't roast the bride(s)/groom(s) /newly married couple. It's their day. You can be super hilarious in the group chat, not in front of their grandmother.

[sweetbirdlittlebird]

The Everclear Machete Story

Boy howdy do I have a yarn to spin for you motherfuckers. 

So I have this friend, Sally. She’s my best friend and she’s super little and I love her. She’s from a tiny redneck village in the Midwest that for the purposes of this story we’re gonna call Fuckville Nowhere. Fuckville Nowhere is like two+ hours away from the college we’re dicking around in. One night, she asks me if she’ll drive her home for her friend’s graduation party. I didn’t know her super well, but she was nice and literally everybody else bailed on her, so sure, fine, why not, let’s go to a party.

I, by the way, had only been to one actual party. It was in an on-campus apartment and consisted of booze, Super Smash Bros. Melee, and exactly one knife. I have not, by any stretch of the imagining, ever been a partier. I had like one one-thousandth of a solo cup of sangria and I thought that was lit. 

So we drive out there, we go to IHOP with her friends who just graduated high school, everybody’s psyched, we ate crepes, it was super. And eventually they say the magic words (manic whisper: “alcohol”) and we go back to this one dude’s house to get cRuNk. I had to park my tiny city person car in a church lot and get Captain Mochismo to take us up the awful gravel roads in his Truckstosterone vehicle to Casa de Crunk. The roads go up and down a bunch, it’s total dark, and after like ten entire minutes of driving through the most cursed looking forest I’ve ever fucking seen, we pull up to this decent little house on patio stilts. It’s surrounded by trees and there’s no other houses in sight, so this is definitely where I’m getting murdered. 

So we go in, Sal starts up with the boys in the kitchen pretending they know how to make screwdrivers (there was like a millimeter of vodka for every entire glass of orange juice) and I sit with the girlfriends on the couch and start nursing a lemonade bitch beer. A few of the guys go out on the back porch to get high, because this is Grady’s house and he doesn’t want the whole place to smell like weed when his parents come home, and everybody’s settling into their Party Places. I know exactly one of these people, but they seem nice. We’re chilling. We’re having a grand ‘ole time. 

And one of the guys is like “DUDE LOOK” and takes out this upsettingly large bottle of Everclear. 

Everclear is 100% alcohol. This isn’t just the good shit, this is the Platinum God of All Booze. This is how Russians commit seppuku. 

So Dude #1, let’s call him Simon, who is this spindly little Barbie Doll of a dude, fills a shot glass with this liquid insurgence, knocks it back, and crumples to the floor like he’s been shot. 

And I’m like, I’m sure he’s fine. 

Dude #2, Grady, who is only slightly larger, takes a shot of Everclear. Then he takes another one. Two full shots of arsenic’s bastard child, and he looks like he just mainlined lemon juice. 

Something like five seconds goes by and he’s almost gonna take another because he “isn’t feeling it yet”, and there’s this shift, and suddenly he’s this huge drunk caricature of a human person. He’s smiling and his eyes are mostly closed and he’s taking off his suit jacket. He starts reciting passages from the Bible in fluent and dramatic German, because this dude is deeply Lutheran, and it’s all slurred and abandoned-snow-cone slushy. He stops, he looks around, says, “I wanna be a pastor”, wobbles, and hits the floor like a sheet of metal. 

The level of chaos in this house exists in direct proportion to how much clothing Grady is still wearing. 

The Parent of the Party, Parent Dude, gets him off the floor and into a chair. Next to this chair, there is an ashtray. In this ashtray is a cigar that had been confiscated from Grady sometime during his ramblings. This cigar is out. Grady sees this cigar and thinks, yes, mine, and he picks it up and sticks it in his mouth. A solid ten minutes pass before he realizes it’s not burning. 

So somebody else, the Parent Dude, looks at the Everclear and is like, this is the stuff that ends the world, we’re putting this away now, and Grady pounces on him like a pissed-off cat. Parent Dude is holding the bottle in one hand and trying to push Grady off of him with the other, and Grady screams, “Is it with a kiss, Judas, that you betray the Son of Man?” while trying to kiss him. He takes off his dress vest. 

Meanwhile, Simon is on the couch in the corner, watching TV, and let me tell you, you have not seen somebody properly dissociate until you’ve seen someone drunk on Everclear watch 2001 Space Odyssey on mute in the dark. 

But eventually they get the booze away from him and they start piling all the bottles over by me and the Parent Dude, because this is Grady’s house so there’s no cabinet we can hide it in that he can’t reach. And it’s suddenly my job to watch the alcohol so Parent Dude can make sure Grady doesn’t set the house on fire. 

Time passes, Grady stands up, says some more stuff in German, and he opens his shirt. It’s not off yet, but the buttons are undone. He does a couple of passes by the alcohol stash and scoops up some booze, and Parent Dude has to keep chasing him down to get it back. Eventually, Grady gives up and wanders off and by now Simon has moved over to my couch and he’s playing with my hair telling me how soft it is, so I don’t notice that Grady’s gone. I’m babysitting the Bunny Drunk, the Disaster Drunk isn’t my problem yet. 

Yet. 

So he’s gone for a while and Parent Dude eventually is like, where the fuck did the apocalypse engine go, so he goes looking. And before anybody can find him, this bitch-ass German comes prancing out of the laundry room with a goddamn bag of Tide Pods like, “I found a snack!” and goes to put one in his mouth.

We get the bag away from him and he’s like, awwwww, and we decide to put him the fuck to bed because this is getting out of hand. 

So we grab his girlfriend and she helps us get him into his bed and we leave them in there to pass out. 

Except he doesn’t pass out. 

This is Grady’s house. Grady’s parents have lots and lots of really cool toys in this house. We are in the middle of Fuckville Nowhere in Redneck Ravine, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the woods. 

Two minutes later, drunk Grady comes tumbling out of his room, shirtless, with an entire fucking shotgun. 

And everybody still in the house is like, fuck, fuck, fuck, and Sal and two of the dudes rush him and grab it and Grady falls back giggling like the Joker on laughing gas. I’m still on the couch watching this all happen, and it’s fucking surreal, my dudes. At some point, the girlfriends yeeted out, so I am now the only sane person on this property with maybe the exception of Sal. 

They get him back in bed and hide the shotgun in one of their cars or something,. We think we’re clear. Then Grady’s girlfriend comes running out, giggling, to get Parent Dude because Grady’s trying to eat something. They go back, and Grady has locked the door from the inside. They lure him out with the promise of his naked girlfriend and Parent Dude rushes in to stop him from literally biting a bullet.

They take all the ammo out of the room and lay him down with a glass of water. They watch him drink it, they make him promise to fuck his girlfriend and go to sleep (her idea) and he’s like, sure my dude, no problemo. 

Time-lapse, twenty minutes. I’m sitting with Simon and talking to Sal about her certifiably insane friend group. It’s like five, closing on six in the morning. Simon is playing with my hair and he’s about to fall asleep on me, which is fine, he weighs like half an ounce plus the shot of Everclear. I’m chatting with Parent Dude about the woes of babysitting drunk rednecks. It’s all fine. We’re fine. He gets up to go check on Grady, make sure’s he’s either fucking or sleeping, leaves me to guard the booze, etc. 

And he comes back all pale like, “Guys where’s Grady?”

So they start looking, Parent Dude and Sal, and they go out to the back porch to ask the crossfaders if they’ve seen him. Crossfaders say nay, they come back, sit down, reason he’ll come back when he comes back. 

And within minutes of them sitting down again, the front door bursts open and Grady, with his tie wrapped around his head like he’s a goddamn pirate, runs in waving the biggest fucking machete I’ve ever seen. He’s singing something in German that might be a pirate shanty and might be something from Lamentations. I don’t know. The important part is: knife. Drunk man have big knife.  

Sam and Parent Dude charge him, Sal gets the machete out of his hands, and Grady is slurring like his life depends on it. “Chill, dudes, I just wanted to scare you guys,” and we’re like “congratu-fucking-lations, you did it, now for the love of everyone who’s ever been drunk, go to sleep.” 

So we get Grady to actually go to sleep, and then we passed out, and me and Sal get up four hours later to drive two hours back to the college because she had a rehearsal to get to at like noon. 

And that my friends is the Everclear Machete Story. 

(reblog with the dumbest thing your drunk friends (or your drunksona) have ever done)

[cleverbroadwayurl]

cb ramble abt sunshine boy challenge - not percy

Okay definitely not Percy you asked me to ramble, I’m gonna ramble. 

Read more bc I did indeed ramble: 

So I met Sunshine Boy years ago because we both were at the same theatre and just kinda saw each other in passing. He became one of my oldest friend’s friends, which I’m kinda kicking myself about because this Oldest Friend and I were better friends before and not now. 

Anyways my real like introduction?? to Sunshine Boy was seeing a play that he was in. I actually went to go see Oldest Friend, but he was also in it, which I wasn’t expecting. The show was really good and I unfortunately was with Earl at the time but,,, 

ugh you know how you meet someone and you just,,, know they’re going to be important to you? Like it’s not always right away, but like you just know that they’re going to be significant in your life? That’s how I felt about this encounter. 

Because even though I was there for someone else bc I wanted to support Oldest Friend, Sunshine Boy and I bumped into each other and I swear he lit up so much. He was so excited that I had come to the show (I usually don’t, but I was trying to be a better friend. This was my second to last show I did that for,,, I kinda blame Earl for that). He smiled so wide and was like “I didn’t know you were here!! How are you??” I answered, and he followed with, “Thank you so much for coming, it’s so good to see you!” 

Keep in mind I had never said two words to this boy. He just,,,, knew. I mean I’m pretty hard to miss, I had partially red hair, even back then, and he had seen me in productions I’m sure, but like that just,,, melted me. It still does. And it was that moment that I knew he was going to be important to me. Because even when I didn’t like him, that moment was special to me. And I knew he was just being friendly but I still think about it to this day bc I was so happy that he knew who I was and recognized me. 

Now 2019 cb would tell Earl to find his own way home and spend some time with Sunshine Boy. 2016 cb didn’t do that. 

uhh Sunshine Boy is taller than I remember I think. He’s definitely taller than me but that’s not really a hard thing to do. He has this leather jacket that is actually really good quality and it just,,, suits him so well. 

He has goals but he’s working towards them and is consistently working on himself. Like all the time. I’ve never seen him falter, even when things get tough. I think there’s something really admirable about that. He makes a lot of dad jokes but I love dad jokes so,,, what can I say

Sunshine Boy loves musical theatre and obviously I do too so,,, that’s really important to me. 

I think a lot of the reasons I like him are bc of Earl. bc like saying that last statement is just,,, that’s something Earl never touched on. Earl stopped caring about me and my well-being except when it was convenient for him. He stopped asking me about myself bc I “was always the same” and would “never tell him the truth if anything changed”,,, which is dumb bc if you don’t ask, there’s no opportunity to tell you that I’m not doing well. 

But then there are the little things like his laugh and the way he smiles and the way he goes about his life and I just,,, 

At this point, I don’t even care if he ends up liking me or not. I want him to be happy and go for his goals and just,,, do what he wants. Of course, this wasn’t always true, but as soon as I heard that pretty much every other girl liked him, I decided to come to terms with just,,, letting him be happy. I mean, it’s fun to daydream but it’s also like,,, realistically that’s probably not going to happen. Bc I feel like I have baggage–which is ironic bc the next show I saw him in was RENT. I saw that one alone and blew off Earl, and I had fun. My brother ordered me pizza for when I got home, and I just,,, sat and enjoyed myself for the first time in months. Yeah, I was pushing it, but honestly I was so delirious with happiness that for a while I just didn’t care. Not about Earl, not about work, not about anyone but myself and my own wants. I was wild, spontaneous, and stretching every moment away I had. I craved these moments and wished they were all the time. I probably seemed absolutely insane to everyone else, but honestly, now that I’ve changed and I’m doing infinitely better, I don’t regret doing these things for myself. 

I can remember eating cupcakes and hearing his honey laugh for the first time and texting my friend about it. I can remember getting coffee with this same friend and just,,, talking about how sweet Sunshine Boy is. I can remember so much of admiring from afar, seeing his tweets show up in my feed, and just absolutely melting at each encounter. Again, even before I liked him. He would tweet things about supporting women, dogs, and theatre. I’m not sure what else anyone would want, which makes sense why so many girls are probably still after him. 

He’s very grunge on the outside, loves records, has a thing for vintage stores, loves singing in the car, and idk those are all things that I really enjoy. And the fact that he loves records and record stores means he has a record player. Meaning I’d love to hear some. Meaning that would be a cute date let me be a hopeless romantic. 

He drove idk how many miles, but definitely took a ferry to eat a crepe called the Valjean. He did a puzzle on the way. These are things I would do. Like I’ve driven 23 miles for ice cream. My favorite things to do over the summer are paint by number and jigsaw puzzles. My mom and I love to go to those high end thrift stores on the other side of town on her days off. He loves The Office and can quote specific episodes, has an infectious happy presence, and just,,, u g h he’s cute. He loves coffee, and you all know what an addiction I have to that. He loves Mamma Mia and I would’ve loved to see the second one with him (but he did mention he was going with his mom, which is,,, wow I swoon). 

This got way out of hand and would you believe I have more???? But I’ll leave it there. Just in case people like see this and know me in real life or something that’d be catastrophic. 

[dust2dust34]

I finally got to see EBR’s movie Funny Story this weekend at the Breckenridge Film Festival.

It was phenomenal. I knew it was going to be good because of everything I’ve been hearing about it and all the awards it’s been winning, but guys, it was so much better than I could have imagined.

First of all, I got to spend time in Breckenridge at the drop of a hat Friday night, which is the cutest town in the entire world. You can fight me on this. The only problem is they have no street food anywhere, it’s restaurants galore, but we found a crepes place, and it was amazing. Like come-to-Colorado-and-go-to-this-crepes-place amazing.

Second, we got to see a few short films before Funny Story showed, and I can’t believe how much talent is in this world, and the tools they have at their fingertips to bring these stories to life. I wish I’d spent more time up there seeing more of them, but I didn’t even know this was happening until I saw a post about it on Funny Story’s IG. (The first was about a couple falling apart - it implodes when the man thinks she’s pregnant, only to find out she actually got an abortion and didn’t tell him, and then he proposes, only to find out she cheated on him and that the baby was the other man’s - drama. The second was about assisted suicide and the ending of that one broke my fucking heart and I’m still not over.)

Third, Funny Story. Oh my god, Emily is such a good actor. I mean, we knew this from Arrow, but outside of Felicity, she can act. The woman is Grade A. She commands the screen in such a subtle way, and you can feel that she really dives into these characters that she chooses to portray. I love that she chooses these horribly fucked up people to play outside of Arrow. Kim in Funny Story was a fucking wreck. A Fucking Wreck Of A Human. And that was kind of the point of the movie, the “funny story,” if you will, because you see these different threads floating about and when they come together it’s in an emotional explosion that simultaneously heals and destroys everything. The movie was just stunningly good. I want to blabber about it, but no spoilers. It was also hilarious. Within the first few minutes, I was rolling, and it kept me laughing and then cringing, laughing and, “Oh my god,” and then uncomfortable laughter and then internal screaming because I know what is going to happen and I hate everything. It really dives into the human condition, in such a simple way. It’s the stupid shit we’ve all done, the dumb choices, the things we fall victim to, the things we let ourselves fall victim to. Walter was so funny, and I felt so much for him, and Nic was adorable and she had so much heart, and Kim, oh my god, I wanted to hug her so bad.

And Matt Glave was at the showing, the guy who plays Walter! Of course they premiered the movie at around 10:40, so it was after midnight and we were all trying to come up with smart things to say and questions to ask - I rambled about Kim’s story coming full circle in response to the ending and his question about what we thought it meant, and I don’t think it made sense - but he was so nice and he had amazing thoughts about the movie and great things to say about the director/writer (he’s 29 years old and that blows my fucking mind, and it was also nice hearing his compliments about him taking advice about how to cut the movie and what should stay/go, it was wonderful to hear, because letting go of something you created is so hard sometimes, but it’s also necessary, whether it’s a scene, or a “chapter”) and the producer (who played Nic, she produced it, she was writing checks while in the dressing room). And did you know the movie was shot in 15 days? That’s insane! For the caliber of this film, that is insane. The editing is so good. And they apparently cut a lot, which was the right choice, because the movie answered questions without being direct about it, which made it better and easier to apply your own conclusions.

It’s a super fucking amazing movie. Go see it if it’s at a festival near you. The movie won a couple of awards at the Breckenridge Film Festival, which is fantastic and well-deserved. They gave us ballots to vote and I was like, “TOP NOTCH. FOUR STARS. ALL THE STARS.”

[ourwickedworld]

The Rambling Man Travel Review: Reno, Nevada

Reno, Nevada…  The Biggest Little City in the world, located mere miles from scenic Lake Tahoe.  Reno, known for so many things.  Yes, gambling is probably the first thing that creeps into your head as you begin the initial descent into Reno / Tahoe International Airport on the East end of Reno.  But, Reno is so much more!!  And, to be clear, because in an odd way I get this question more often than not.  “No, Reno is not any where near Las Vegas!” Frankly, Sin City is a 6 plus hour car trip away.  And, yes, the two Old West towns have some things in common, but the truth is they have more uncommon than you would expect.  This is the Silver State, Ramblin with the Rambling Man, checking out the dudeability, the hang outs, the good time, hidden gems….  Rambling, walking, eating, drinking, fishing, hunting, sporting…   Rambling into town, and taking in the town for all its worth.  From local sporting events, to grabbing a cold beer, or strolling a midnight street in search of every dream inside my soul.

If you want to double down on 11 in a game of black jack, sure…  You can take lady luck for a twirl at most locations in Nevada.  Heck, you can gamble in the grocery store! Gambling, of course, does not hold a stick to legalized prostitution in the Silver State.  A must see “dude event,” a most unique experience while in Nevada.  One must visit a brothel.  The experience of Ringing the bell, having the ladies line up, and the entire pomp and circumstance of legalized prostitution…  This is Nevada!!  Embrace it Bro..    And, hey, I am not singing a sad cowboy tune, but one does not have to sleep with a hooker to visit a Brothel.  Gentleman, the experience of visiting the Whore House is truly West Coast Cowboy Country Cool.  The experience of visiting the relic of the old west sorta makes actually having to bang a hooker totally unnecessary.  But, if you do decide to go to Tuna Town in the desert.  The house madam at the Brothel, and Brothel ownership, usually have high standards of safety and satisfaction. Plus, the State of Nevada ensures STD safe sex.  What a Country!  More like what a State.  Yes, the only state with Legalized Prostitution, but not the only state with prostitution.  As the oldest profession continues its strong industry and economic success globally.  

Some suggestions: Mustang Ranch on the outskirts of Reno defines old west prostitution, and if you can avoid the rush of tires truck drivers who frequent the place, the experience is sure to remind you that being a dude is still groovy.  The experience is sure to make you proud once again to be the sole proprietor of your personal penis, regardless of size.  Mustang offers drinks and libations with the most perfect bar to take in a conversation with one of the many girls patrolling the room.  The many patrons, of course, have their own unique stories as well sitting near if you so desire to engage.  But, dang it bro, you are on vacation, strike up a conversation. Most Renoites will be more than happy to share a story or two, especially if you are talking golf, hookers, skiing, cold beer, or cards.  

I woke up a bit foggy… I think I got home around 3:30 AM, an UBER brought me from Mustang back to my downtown Reno hotel room at the Eldorado Hotel and Casino.  I was nude, my clothes from last night thrown over the chair adjacent to my bed, I could still smell the stench of Mustang and Crown Royal bellowing from my garments. What a night…  I need some coffee and to walk some of the haze from behind my eyes.  I take a quick walk upon exiting the casino doors at the Eldorado, moving South down Virginia St.  I then take a right turn on First St.  

I arrive at Hub Coffee Roasters on Riverside Dr in Reno.  I sit outside, a round table with an extra chair my only company.  I sip a tall black coffee and pick at my cheese Danish. My view is of the Truckee River and the adjacent walking trail and park.  The trees scream early fall as I sit still listening to the peace of the morning.  

On foot one can embrace a new city on a much more intimate level.  You can walk almost in slow motion as you take in the new sights, smells, and people.  My walk today has a walking path that winds around the Truckee River directly West towards the Keystone Ave Bridge, the Booth St. Bridge, and Idlewild Park.  The orange, yellow leaves under my feet, as cool mountain air surrounds me.  I hear chirps from a few birds, and the 10:00 AM train and its screech and horn.  The water from the river heads East, against my walk.  It is a most perfect morning, and I am stoned immaculate in my city by the big lake in the Sierras.  You can almost smell that the snow of Winter is near, I walk.  My head phones in both ears, music plays, song after song.  I hear my playlist, my shuffle playlist. The many songs from Apple I-Tunes subscription.  

Three miles is a decent introduction walk to Reno, as I start my daily stroll from Hub Coffee Roasters by directly heading west on the adjacent walking trail…  I walk with the morning sun on my back, music keeping me company.  Beck, REM, Pearl Jam, Band of Horses, Elliot Smith, Mount Eerie, Bob Dylan….  The Truckee River from the nearby Sierra Nevada Mountain range brings fresh and clear water from the tops of elevated peaks seen in the distance, the river keeps me company as I ramble on.  It is a most perfect walk, a mix of solitude, water, fall, and some strange faces.  My own music allows me to not skip a beat.  

I have a personal tour of a local Cannabis Dispensary at 4 PM.  And dinner with an old friend, Clint Cates.   Yes, above and beyond gambling and prostitution, Nevada has recently legalized cannabis.  Yep, you can literally go pick up a sack at a local retail weed dealer.  What a country?  And they deliver…  

The inner workings of a cannabis dispensary, a bit underwhelming.  It is all about security in a cash only business… And, the chronic has some street value, no doubt.  So, bullet proof sheet rock, big safes with secret codes and levels of management. Not to mention, a big wall of people. I thought “Starbucks but weed” after 15 minutes into my tour because the Mynt Dispensary in Downtown Reno.  The place was packed, all sorts of sour faces and young people alike looking at such a variety of products.  Heck, when I was a kid, getting a sack of weed was a crap shoot. You would get a plastic sandwich bag with something green inside, and you would pay the man the cash.  Today, its sativa or Indica.  It’s oils, wax, vape pens, and don’t get me started on the names.  Pot can’t just be pot anymore.  Marketing has invaded the space, so pot now is Orange Krusk Kush, or Spiral to Insanity. Regardless, Reno has it all, and the Mynt Dispensary is close and will satisfy one’s curiosity on what is recreational legalization.  Check it out….  

Mr. Cates urged me to see the Grow Facility, the actual place the pot is grown.  And, talk about impressive…  To see such a green forest of pot inside the facility was one most unique experience.  What a country?  And, Nevada, Northern Nevada.  This place is lit, no pun intended.  

And, when you are stoned? Besides taking a walk and being outdoors, I enjoy food, duh…  I think that is the pothead mantra, let’s get high and eat are faces off.  For Clint’s chronic hospitality, and world class tour of the Mynt Dispensary facilities, I offered to buy the pot entrepreneur dinner.

Clint, he suggests a local staple, but a Cougar Stop first.  

We walk into The Polo Lounge with glazed eyes and an unquenchable thirst.  We pull up to seats at the bar, we were Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday in a pair of cowboy boots galloping into this local dive bar. And, we were looking for a cold drink.  

The Polo Lounge located in Midtown Reno is a retro and freaky dive bar with strange faces everywhere. The bar, however, is first and foremost a place to drink in a town of drinkers.  Did I mention?  Reno can drink.  I am feeling a Vodka and Tonic with a lemon night is on the horizon.  I am in the land of milk and honey, as this dive bar is also a Cougar den.  Hot, horny, older women.  And like fine wine, and vodka to my tongue, an older woman is truly as sexy as a woman can possible be.  Especially, if the music is loud, the drinks are cheap, and last call is just a rumor. That’s right, you can drink all day and all night in the Biggest Little City.  No last call!!  What a country bro!!!

Clint stumbles back from a food run, we lost most of the night in a haze of laughter, pick up lines, and bar games.  We even missed the food reservation.  Clint finds a solution!  He brings back some food from Miguel’s Mexican Cantina, a short walk away from The Polo Lounge.  I am mouth first into an onion and cheese enchilada and a chili relleno in the most elegant egg crepe as 2 AM reared its ugly head.  I order a cold beer to wash it down, The Polo Lounge happily accommodates our request to bring in outside food.  Dive bar, check.  Great company and laughter, check.  Great Mexican food, check!!  The Rambling Man thinks highly in regards to the drinkability and Eatability in the Biggest little City…

I sleep until high noon. The partly cloudy fall day brings a day to catch up.  I have one more night in Reno, what will the last day of my weekend getaway bring.  I hope more laughter, and more food.  

What will today bring, a Sunday afternoon and night in Reno.  I stick to my vacation theme, let’s walk, drink, eat, and find some laughter.

I start my last night with a Sunset Walk at nearby Virginia Lake.  The manmade lake is exactly one mile around, it is a big oval walking / running path near the intersection of Virginia St. and Plumb Lane in Reno.  It is a most beautiful walk and sunset.  I start my walk, set for 3 laps, at approximately 5:45 PM, sunset set for 6:20 PM, and the sky was set ablaze with all of autumn’s glory.  The lake is full of aquatic life, ducks, geese, turtles, fish.  With the best feature of Virginia Lake, a forest of sage brush. As dusk approaches, the smell from the sage brush is worth a billion silver dollars.  The smell of sun fading from summer, the old west meeting the fresh air of ancient mountain shadow.  Air so still, my heart beats in rhythm with the season.  

After the walk, I go to the nearby Atlantis Casino….  The Atlantis, less than a quarter mile from Virginia Lake, is where I will partake in the Steam Room with Eucalyptus spray and a world class massage.  I feel like I am made of rubber, I feel happy.  So, I make my way down to the sportsbook within the bowels of the Atlantis casino.  I grab a beer and a nearby handicapping sheet, I am going to bet on the NFL Sunday night game of the Week, it’s the Patriots vs the Chiefs.  What a game!!  I put $500 on Tom Brady, the old man from Nor Cal, to win the game by more than two points.  

At halftime, I stagger over to the Purple Parrot restaurant within the Atlantis to get my all time favorite sandwich, The Monty Cristo.  This fried sandwich with a side of strawberry preserves is not something I eat, nor even have the option of ordering.  The Monty Cristo with a side of fries, I sit at my table, lost in the casino carpet, and flashy neon lights, my eyes fixed upon the next numbers in the never ending run of Keno games on the overhead TV.  In my head, I keep wishing for eight numbers to match, a dream of wealth and fame surely awaits if I can only just get 8 numbers correct.  

The night fades into the swallows of tomorrow, I make my way back to downtown and the Eldorado.  My flight leaves tomorrow at 10:15 AM….

Hue of the TV radiates upon my tired and sleepy head, a weekend in Reno.  I spark my lighter, weed set aglow, I inhale.  Stoned immaculate, I am the Rambling Man.  Reno ENVY… Reno, Nevada…  Walkability Score:  9 out of 10,  Drinkability Score:  7 out of 10, Eatability Score:  7 out of 10, Overall Value:  8 of 10, The Ability of the City to Provide a Unique Experience:  10 of 10.

Or course, my weekend getaway is meant to start a conversation regarding travel.  Reno has so much more to offer, like most cities, it would take multiple trips to take it all in.  I, do however, list below some activities or events to consider when traveling to Reno.  

1.       Fish for Brown or Rainbow Trout in the Truckee River. Entrance Point at Mayberry Park west of town make this easy to access.  Artificial flies, a Salmon Egg, or even a piece of Bacon on the end of the stick will find success at dawn or twilight.  

2.       Check out a University of Nevada Football game at nearby Mackey Stadium in the Fall, a Nevada Basketball game in the Winter, or a Reno Aces Minor League Baseball game in the Spring or Summer.  Hey, we love our sports, and checking out a new venue is always cool.  

3.       Walking Options: Mayberry Park, Downtown Reno, Virginia Lake, Rancho San Rafael

4.       Harrah’s Auto Museum – This is a legit place, full of classic cars that will blow your mind.

5.       Rib Cookoff, Balloon Races, Hot August Nights, all tourists traps but a place to start a weekend to Ramble On…..  

Finally, and in closing, what is the soul of the city, what is the Soul of Reno?  Reno has two faces, and contradiction surrounds.  The beauty of Lake Tahoe, the Truckee River, the Sierra Nevada Mountains, alongside the despair of prostitution and gaming.  The city is the chain of vice, and the elegance of a perfect small town.  It is the old west, yet modern day growth and opportunity abounds.  It’s the Wild, Wild West, it’s the Biggest Little City in the World.  Regardless, Reno is a fantastic place to Ramble On.

The Rambling Man continues next week, we explore Athens, Georgia.  Please follow us on Twitter, @BarkmanPete. We are no longer on Facebook.  Why? Because Facebook sucks.  

Please consider checking out other Podcast segments available on The Pete Barkman Show. Segments include the following: The Rambling Man, Las Vegas Larry’s Losers ( sports picks, predictions, and handicapping).  And, our How To Live a Happy and Healthy Life Series.  Plus, much more.  The Pete Barkman Show, available on most Podcast Platforms.  

[smuggsy]

PART TWO. (Read it on AO3).

The cafeteria is buzzing with students on another freezing cold day. There are girls on other girl's laps and girls on boys' laps and people crammed into tables that are only meant for half its occupants. The smell of coffee and pastries fills the air and Collins chews his chocolate muffin with boredom as he nods at Alex's rambling monologue about that other kid in Creative Writing that has it in for him, like really, like he's just a little shit, I swear to you.

 "He said it was childish - childish!  As if he'd written some Shakespearean shit or sumthin' - he didn't, it was some crap about Dunkewque and the Great War because he's such a pretentious idiot," his curly-haired friend extends his hand from the other side of the table and swipes his finger over the leftover cream on the plate, takes a breath and shakes his head, "always got something to say, with his cute little French accent, well why doesn't he go back to his land of baguettes and crepes? He clearly can't shut up about it."

 "Second World War" Collins mumbles, and he looses up his tie and leans back on the chair, where his coat and scarf are hanging. 

 The air conditioning is a tad bit high, he's been in here for the last couple of hours and he doesn't need to look into a mirror to know he's looking like a tomato. 

 "Hm?" Alex snaps, having a quick look around no doubt looking for this exchange student that he oh-so-loathes. 

 "The Dunkirk evacuation, it was during World War Two, not the Gre--"

 "Whatever" Alex cuts him off, when he returns his gaze at Jack he's met with a knowing smile. "What? You're the bloody historian, not me" he snaps again, and Collins wonders if this is how he looks when he's had four cups of coffee in a day. 

 Jumpy, short-tempered, a little bit paranoid. 

 It definitely cranks Alex's snapyness up to twenty. 

 "What's this cute guy's name again?" Collins pokes, hiding another smile behind his bottle of water. 

 "Phili-- he's not cute! "

 "Your words, not mine" Jack puts his hands up in defence and this time he really can't hold back the laugh at the hint of panic on his friend's face, "yer lovestruck."

 "Oh, please " Alex rolls his eyes and shifts uncomfortably on his chair, "I'm not fucking-- Tommy! Hey Tommy!"

 It takes Tom a couple of tries to get through the sea of over-excited alumni all whilst preventing his brimming cup of tea from splashing out, but he eventually reaches their table with a look of annoyance.

 "I hate Sundays," he says, flopping down next to Alex. Collins returns the sentiment with a scrunched-up nose. 

 It's noisy and over-crowded. The antithesis of his comfort zone.

 "He dissed your poem too, didn't he? He's a dick." 

 Tommy frowns at that, takes a very calm sip of his fruity tea and fishes out his phone from his trousers' pocket.

 "Who's a dick?"

 "Little french-toast!" Alex blurts out, getting more incoherently annoyed by the minute. 

 "The exchange student" Collins provides, crossing his arms over his chest and biting his tongue to prevent himself from grinning at the exchange.

 "Ah, Gibby?"

 At that, Alex makes an exasperated noise that resembles a whine, waves his hands in the air insistently like he can't believe his ears.

 "Nah, he's alright," Tommy says distractedly, gently stirring his steaming tea with the spoon.

 "Alex here," Jack starts and promptly chokes on the water he's swallowing as Alex kicks him under the table. Tommy snaps his head up from his screen at the noise, "has a bit of a crush on Gibby."

 He gets another much more aggressive kick now but he doesn't have time to rejoice in his friend's look of mortification because he spots the tattooed, beefed-up flirty law student come into the already insanely packed cafeteria leading a group of another similarly-looking bunch of guys.

 Collins finds himself lowering his head and placing a hand over his eyes to hide his face just in the nick of time.

 "I do not. Have a crush. On that little frog."

 "That's rude" Tommy mumbles. 

 Jack peeks over his hand to see the guy stop at the counter to order for the lot. Alex follows his gaze immediately and Collins starts to feel a little panicked himself - just his bloody luck.

 "What you doin'?"

 "That's the guy" Collins blurts. 

 (Also, he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know what he's doing at all.) 

 "What, library guy?" Alex turns around abruptly. "Where?"

 "Him with the black shirt?" Tommy inquires, and Jack lets out another curse. 

 "Just stop fucking staring will ya" Jack grunts.

 "You've got to be shitting me" Alex short of exclaims, voice going up almost an octave, "he's ripped."

 Collins gives up. He removes his hand from his face but keeps his head turned slightly towards the windows.

 "That's  the guy following you around?"

 "He's not following me around."

 "Are those glasses actually making you blinder?" Alex snorts in his direction, Collins stares daggers at him as Tommy giggles into his cup of tea. "You tellin' me you turned that down? He's a fucking snack!"

 He risks a glance towards the counter and low and behold - catches Farrier's eyes looking right at him. 

 "Right, see ya lads" Jack snaps, turning around and busying himself with wrapping the scarf around his neck hurriedly. He can't deal with this guy on a cafeteria full of students. He'll never live this down - Alex is sitting in front of him and he's high and he's calling him a snack. He is not going to live this down, ever. 

 He needs to leave.

 "He's coming oveeeer " Alex sings under his breath, turning back around in a very sharp motion that most definitely doesn't go unnoticed, and Collins only becomes incredibly clumsy, unable to retrieve his thick coat from where it's hanging behind him. "He's-- stop fuckin' fiddling!"

 "Afternoon, boys" Farrier stops right in front of the table, all smiles and friendly like they've known each other for years. Collins is frozen in place, trying to pretend he wasn't just about to bolt. 

 "Hey!" Alex replies enthusiastically almost immediately, with a shit-eating grin directed at Collins just after. Jack sends another murderous stare in his direction that means to convey just how much he'll make him suffer if he starts one of his rants.

  Make a scene and I'll strangle ye, ye little shite.

 Collins acknowledges the law student with a nod and makes the briefest of eye-contact before returning his gaze to the empty muffin plate like it's the most interesting piece of cutlery in the world of cutlery.

  Pathetic.

 "Bit stuffed in here, isn't it?" Farrier says, with a look around and a wave to whoever's waiting for him on the other side of the place; ignoring Jack's silence like it's not incredibly rude.

 "Aye, I was just popping out for a bit," Collins clears his throat, finally winning the battle against his clothing and buttoning up his coat. 

 "Yeah, it's super hot" Alex adds, fixing his very intense and mischievous blue eyes on Farrier. Jack can only take a deep breath in and clench his jaw, imagine himself being swallowed by the earth right there and then. "It's so hot."

 He needs to get better friends.

 Friends who don't smoke pot and hit on lads on his behalf.

 Friends who aren't Alex. 

 When he glances up again he sees Farrier sporting an amused grin.

 "Thomas," he says, extending a hand towards his friends.

 "Ayyy, it's full of Thomases around here!" Alex makes an exclamation born out of too much caffeine intake and slides an arm around Tommy's shoulders to give him a playful shake that almost has the other boy spilling his strawberry tea all over his lap. "Alexander. You know Jackie" he adds, nodding towards Collins who once again feels the urge to turn invisible.

 "We've met," Farrier says, his glinting eyes returning to suggestively eye him up and down. "He interrupted my shower last week." 

 Collins now pointedly stares at him with a disbelieving look. The nerve on this cheeky bastard!

 "Maybe if you returned your books to the library in time you wouldn't have your showers interrupted" he fires back at him.

 "Well, if that's what it takes to have you knocking on my door..."

 Now that makes even Tommy choke on his drink.

 Collins tugs at the coat he's just put back on and feels feverish all of a sudden - he still turns to Alex with a look that screams 'see what I mean?' though, and Farrier clears his throat.

 "We're going for some pints later, me and the guys," he says, pointing behind him but fixing his gaze on Collins again. Jack starts nervously biting his cheeks and adjusts his glasses - it's an unconscious tick that only his friends will pick up on. "If you wanted to tag along...?"

 He turns to the younger boys then, extending the invitation as if he knows. As if aware that's the button he's got to hit for his plans to work, to set his scheme in motion.

 And he does.

 Set his scheme in motion, that is.

 Whatever his scheme is, anyway.

 He leaves just one minute later with Alex's promise to meet with him at The Beehive at about eight. Collins manages to blurt out something about midterms and low marks and studying before his Performing Arts friend picks up the used fork and points at him threateningly.

 "None of that shit" Alex cuts him off, "you're coming, alright, you reek of blue balls."

 Tommy lets out a snort and sends Jack a suggestive look.

 "You do need to unwind," he says, and Jack gapes at him. "You look a bit..." he waves a hand over his own eyes, like Jack's supposed to know whatever the fuck that means, "...vampire-y."

 "Wha-- C'mon lad, you're the sensible one," Jack points at him, rather offended he's taking Alex's side - because Alex's side usually ends up leading to disaster. "Back me up 'ere!"

 "He was totally drooling, mate," Alex continues, "staring at ya. And I mean like, proper eye-fucking you like."

 Jack rolls his eyes.

 Pointless.

 "I'll see you at eight then," his mate says when he stands up to leave.

 "I don't think so."

 "Great, I'll drop by at eight!" 

 Jack's already far enough that he pretends not to hear him anymore.

 He's not good with relationships. He's never been good with relationships, and the last thing he needs is to get involved with a posh lawyer-to-be when he's holding onto his barely acceptable marks for dear life. This semester's already being shit enough without throwing in any other affairs into the mix. He doesn't need it to be any more of a train-wreck than it already is.

 He doesn't have time for Farrier, because Farrier is dreamy and looks at him like he really likes him and he is annoyingly persistent and probably only looking to hook up and never speak to him again. Because let's be honest, Jack looks like shit half the time, his hair is a mess, his eyesight is a mess, his uniform is ever-crumpled and his ties are never properly, well, tied.

 Farrier puts gel on his hair, he rolls up his impeccable shirts to his forearms and his striped tie is always the perfect length, he works out and smells of shaving cream and chocolate deodorant. He goes to pubs with his mates to get shit-faced (probably) and gets flirted at by the bartender (most definitely). 

 They're polar opposites and Collins really does try to be reasonable. To look at the bigger picture. And the bigger picture looks like some silly romcom poster: lads like Farrier just don't click with lads like him, and if Jack hadn't been the one to go up to him in the first place he would even be considering this whole thing to be a little bit too fishy.

 Thomas sure looks like the kind of asshole that gets egged on by his mates to do stupid things, like flirt with the short-sighted history major that has accidentally been locked in the library an embarrassing number of times, and then fuck him and cross his name off a list and have a laugh and a pint over it and get patted proudly on the shoulder.

 Yes, this is all feeling too romcom-y for his taste.

 Which is why, at quarter to eight, when Alex insistently knocks on his door and Collins looks through the peephole to see him wearing one of his many ridiculously funky shirts, he doesn't answer.

 And when Alex calls him an old-lady and threatens to get pissed off his head and suck Thomas' dick on his behalf, Collins only laughs and puts his headphones back on. He can't concentrate on his essay after that, though. Because he's got a very vivid image of Farrier's dick being sucked in his mind then, and before he knows it he's starting to bite at his cheeks again in an anxious manner. 

 Well.

 That's that then.

  Of course he's attracted to the guy! He looks like he's some kind of underwear model, for fuck's sake!

 Probably.

 Collins' only seen him wearing a towel. 

 "Aw, fuck" he grunts, yanking his glasses off and pressing his palm against his tired eyes, "stop it."

 And over the next hour, slowly, however strongly he tries to fight it, he finds himself less and less able to process the jumble of words on the paper. They start mixing together and looking like an intelligible blur. He tries to start up a new chapter but ends up reading the same introductory paragraph six times without taking any of it in.

  He interrupted my shower last week.

 "Ye arsehole" he mutters, shaking his head annoyingly as if that's going to make the image of Farrier's strong arms and six-pack go away, (and the image of his amused smile and those once-overs he throws at him like he's eating him with his eyes and fuck). 

 He puts the glasses aside for good, pressing his fingers against his heavy eyelids. He needs a hot shower.

 "What are you, the library police? " Collins mocks and scrunches up his nose at how stupid he sounds. 

 He lets out a very deep groan and rests his face on his hands.

 He's gone.

 He's so fucking gone and he's only seen him three times.

 He jumps on his place and cranks up his neck painfully at the sudden noise of Alex knocking the door off its hinges again. He gets on his feet with a sigh and swings the door open with a curse about to roll off his tongue.

 It's not Alex.

 "My god you don't give up," Jack says as Farrier stares at him glassy-eyed. His nose is red and he's rubbing his hands together.

 "One of my many qualities" Thomas offers a crooked smile, Collins takes pity on his shivering form and steps aside to let him in. 

 But the law student looks truly surprised to see that happen and he doesn't make a move.

 Jack feels a bit of panic twirling in his lower stomach because surely he's not about to fucking back down now. Now that Collins is definitely going to let him do whatever the fuck he wants - because Alex was right and his balls are about as purple as Barney at this point. 

 Oh, he'll regret this tomorrow.

 "Ye better fuckin' come in then" he snaps, a little bit more harshly than intended. Farrier stops gaping and Collins closes the door behind him. 

 The only light on is coming from the lamp on his desk and when Thomas turns around to look at him Jack starts biting his cheeks again.

 Shite.

 Maybe he was a bit too hasty.

 Just for a moment there, he forgot he's absolutely trash at making small talk. 

 "Tidy" Thomas nods, having a look around at the bed and neatly stacked-up books in a corner. "Your wallpaper's much nicer" he adds, awkwardly now, and Jack is going to internally combust if he doesn't turn around and kiss him right now.  "What you reading?" he leans over the sprawled out papers on the desk.

  Don't do it don't do it don't--  "Oh shut up" Jack snaps in frustration, taking two steps forwards and bringing their lips together in a desperate clash. 

 Farrier's got his strong pair of arms around his waist almost immediately, and Jack will probably kick himself for letting out that whine later but now - now he can't muster up any proper thoughts. All he feels is Farrier against him, his jacket is cold, his face is cold, and his mouth tastes of mint and ginger beer.

 Collins walks him back towards the bed without letting go of him - Thomas tangles his fingers on his hair and carefully pulls. It elicits another shameful noise from the depth of Jack's throat.

 Farrier bounces slightly on the mattress and Jack leans back only far enough to remove his sweater. It joins the jacket on the floor.

 "You haven't got a roommate?" Thomas asks against his mouth like he's only now realising that.

 "No" comes the rushed answer as Jack straddles him on the bed and my god, those thighs!

 He shakes off Alex's voice echoing through his mind: he's ripped!

 The next time they part to catch their breaths, Thomas stops him before he can lean back down and keep devouring his meaty round lips. Jack obliges, albeit a little taken aback by the sudden pause.

 Another thought gets cut off before properly forming in his mind as he gets stared at a little bit too fondly.

 "You've beautiful eyes" Farrier whispers all of a sudden, placing his cold palms on Jack's flushing cheeks and stopping him from moving altogether.

  Right.

  Glasses.

  Over at desk.

 Farrier breathes out his minty breath over Collins' lips and brings his face closer with unnerving slowness. 

 Jack's stomach does something weird.

 He swallows down through a suddenly very dry throat but stays still.

  Likewise, he wants to say.

 He only stares, panting.

 Then Farrier's hands return to his hair, and one of them rests on his neck and he tentatively starts bringing Jack's face closer again, setting a much tortuous pace.

 Slowly, Farrier's lips work him undone, his hands don't leave Jack's hair but rather keep giving gentle strokes there and Collins can almost physically feel all tension leaving his body with every flick of Farrier's tongue inside his mouth and every tender brush of his scalp. He'd never noticed he was so stiff and now - now he feels like a deflating balloon.

 It's every stroke, every breath in, every spot Farrier's tongue reaches inside his mouth, every inch of his body where he's touching him and the slow but unwavering movement of their bodies in unison - Thomas's jeans feeling tighter and tighter against his own cotton trousers. 

 He's getting rather light-headed. 

 He doesn't notice he's letting out those noises either until Farrier's hands are suddenly massaging his shoulders and he finds himself just resting his head down on the crook of the other guy's neck.

 "That's it" comes Farrier's voice in his ear, and Collins finds that his eyelids are so heavy he just can't bring himself to open them. The taste of ginger beer lingers in his tongue and his arms slowly work their way around Thomas' broad waist. "Let it out..."

 He feels sluggish.

 "Just let go" Farrier repeats, with that same hoarse alluring voice. Jack breaths in deep the scent of his skin - it's that deodorant again. 

 "Bloody hell" he mumbles against Thomas' skin, almost unintelligible, when the hands go to rest on his nape and his fingers keep on moving there.

 "You like that?"

 His strong hands press down on just the spot, and Collins almost feels his soul leaving his body at the unearthly noise he blurts out - the constant stiffness from past months of crouching down over his books being slowly worked out of his muscles.

 Hell, this is better than painkillers.

 He feels Farrier's chest shaking with soft laughter. 

 "I'll take that as a yes," he says, Collins can hear the smile in his voice. He doesn't stop massaging him and Jack knows that he should feel like a fucking idiot for this - surely this isn't Farrier's idea of a good shag, a spa session. 

 But his vocal cords are failing him - there's a voice at the back of his head as well, telling him that this is getting more personal than he'd initially planned, that this is not standard procedure, but he ignores it. 

 He ignores it for a bit, anyway, before he makes himself get his nose off Thomas' throat and sit up again, slides a hand in between them and finds the jean's zip. 

 Farrier's hand finds his almost immediately, making him stop again. 

 "How 'bout you let me take care of you first?" he asks, squinting playfully. The alarms in Jack's head go off again, like they're trying to kick-start the rational part of his brain. "You look like you need it."

  I do. I fucking do, he thinks, but what he says with an already peculiarly mushy voice is: "I'm going to fall asleep if I let you do that".

 He wants those firm arms back on his shoulder blades burning away the weeks of binge-studying. Shit, he's never wanted anything more in his life and Farrier smiles at him like he knows it. 

 "Well... I don't mind." 

  Bastard. 

 "If I'd known you were this compliant..." Jack starts but loses his thread of thought as Farrier's magic fingers return to his shoulders. "I would've..."

 Before he knows it Farrier's turning them around and having him lay down on the bed instead, and seeing Thomas loom over him and feeling his slightly-warmer hands under the elastic band of his trousers makes his eloquence slip away one more time. 

 "What?" Farrier prompts, slowly sliding his boxers down to his thighs. Jack throws his head back on the pillow and feels his heart hammering wildly against his ribcage. He's shamefully hard already, just another reminder of how stupidly touch-starved he hadn't realized he was. "You would've what?" 

 "I would've..." he tries, voice sounding like he's just run a marathon, hands resting on each side of his legs patiently and definitely not trembling with anticipation. "I..." he makes the very grave mistake of glancing down at the very same moment Farrier takes him in hand and lowers his mouth onto his cock. 

 After that, all rational thoughts fly out of the window and his knuckles go white grabbing at the duvet. 

  Fuckin' hell. 

 His eyes shut close again. Farrier's hands come to his waist to keep him down because apparently he's writhing and the sounds.  Oh, the sounds he makes - christ. Like he's gleefully sucking on a fucking ice-lolly. It's a good thing he can't look even if he wanted to because that would take him over the edge in under five seconds.

 Five very embarrassing seconds.

 Farrier hums before letting it out of his mouth with a wet popping sound. Jack is holding onto the bed like he's holding onto his sanity. Like he's drowning. 

 "Hey, relax..." Thomas says, but he sounds far away, so far away. 

 The ringing in his ears doesn't stop. Only when he feels one of Farrier's hands rubbing circles over his right leg does he snap out of it, blinking himself out of his reverie. 

 "You're so tense," Farrier adds like he's genuinely worried about it, "loosen up." 

 "Sorry" he blurts out, and it's the most Scottish-sounding sorry he's ever blurted out. "It's been - a while and..." 

  And what? And I'm a workaholic, I'm a fucking idiot. 

 "Don't apologize" Farrier coos. Jack re-opens his heavy eyes when he feels the mattress shift, Farrier's closer now, somehow balancing himself on the little space between him and the wall. "You're clenching your jaw." 

 He hadn't realized. He goes to say sorry again but Farrier's mouth is on his one more time, tongues intertwining and breaths mixing together. 

 He melts down on the mattress, helpless.

 "That's it" Farrier whispers, low enough that Collins almost doesn't hear him over the blood rushing in his ears, "Now stay like that..." 

 It's a bit difficult not to tense up when his hands start working his way up and down his cock again, but Farrier's tongue is claiming entrance into his mouth the moment he goes to bite his cheeks. 

 It works. 

 Having to keep up with the slow pace of his kisses helps him, it grounds him. Thomas manages to match the pace of his hand and keeps it slow. It's torture but heaven at the same time. 

 When he's close, though, he gets sloppy and loses focus. 

 Farrier's hand barely changes its pace when Collins starts panting into his mouth rather than kiss him back, and just as slow his climax takes over him. A neverending shock of electricity running from his head to his toes with overwhelming intensity. He makes a strangled sound and grips onto Farrier's shoulders as if his life depends on it, wishing he'd taken off that shirt, wishing he was touching him. 

 He can feel slumber coming and coming quick. In this pitiful state, he doesn't have the energy to even feel bad about it.

 "Ngggh" he tries, tugging at Farrier's shirt. 

 "That good, huh?" 

 "Yeah" is what he manages to exhale, ineloquent, stumbling over the vowels like he's pissed drunk, "com'ere," Jack asks, a bit out of himself still, and Farrier chuckles but settles down next to him. The bed isn't big enough for both of them. 

 "Only a bit" Farrier whispers, like he doesn't want to perturb him, "need to get back to my dorm." 

 Jack has already drifted off and doesn't actually hear the end of that sentence.

“You’re overdue on this book and I want it so I’m tracking u the fuck down” sounds funky as a modern au prompt, especially if it was a younger sibling of one of them or a real obscure/hyperfixation of the reader(s). If you don’t want to write it, don’t worry! Hope you’re doing well

COLLINS / FARRIER AU. Okay, so here it is, poster-thingy included (couldn’t help myself).

The kind girl on the counter makes a face at seeing him approach, Collins can only guess what a pitiful sight he is: bags under his eyes, uniform in disarray, hair unwashed and an empty coffee cup on his hand. If he'd crossed paths with any of the prefects roaming around he would've definitely got an earful for it -- that's no way to present yourself as a student! Fix that bloody tie!

 Ah, that would've really been the icing of the cake. A real shitty way to end his day indeed.

 "I thought maybe you'd forgotten to notify me" Collins smiles, aiming at friendly conversation but coming out rather miserable, "perhaps you'd lost my ID number?"

 "No, I'm sorry" is all she says, genuinely sounding like she means it, and Collins knows she means it, so maybe he'd get lucky today.

 "Are you sure it's not returned?" he insists, and having a look around to ensure nobody's within earshot he leans in closer, "I can go get it for you, kill two birds with one stone, aye?"

 Collins looks at her name tag and puts on his most miserable wet-puppy face. It's no use trying to flirt at this point, it's the fifth time he turns up this week looking like a zombie from The Walking Dead and she's been over the counter every single time. The fact that he doesn't remember what she's called is clear evidence of his exhaustion.

 "Sally..." he looks up and puts both his hands together in sign of prayer, maybe even pouts a little, because who cares about decency at this point? "Pleeease?"

 She shakes her head at the screen with a frown.

 "I'm really sorry, I'm not allowed to give out students' personal details. I'll give him another call later, how about that?" She offers, and Collins lets out a sigh and nods pathetically, thinking it's a he, what a fucking twat.

 He's ready to turn on his tail and leave without the only copy of Crónicas de la Guerra Civil Española in the whole campus yet once again. Except Sally then shouts a warning, pointing over his shoulder to one of the tables behind, "I said no drinking -- for heaven's sake" she storms out of her seat to the two young girls.

 Collins doesn't waste any time, he stretches his hand over and turns the computer's screen towards him, sloppily fishes his phone out of his pocket and snaps a quick photo of it and puts it back in place before the librarian has even turned around. When Sally comes back making an exasperated face, Collins tries to walk away in the same tired pace he walked in and not give himself away.

 Outside, out of her field of vision, he checks the photo. Some idiot named Farrier, block D, apartment 201. A law student.

 Fucking superb. Bunch of self-centered pricks.

 He storms out towards the east side of the campus, praying to all the powers that be for a quick exchange of words and a successful retrieval. He only even needs to read four chapters, but he's got only two days to do so, digest the information and have a decent sleep to sit a decent test.

 Collins gets quite a few odd looks as he strolls into the hall and turns directly to the stairs. His sweater gives him away as a Humanities student but he's sure that's not what's getting him stared at. If he bumps into any seniors here, he's bloody done. They'll revoke his pass on account of his appearance. They're known to be a bit of a pain in the ass, the prefects from this block... Then again, it's not like he goes out at all. Wouldn't be much of a loss, really.

He can't hold back his rotten mood as he knocks on the blue door exasperatedly, eager to get this whole business over with so he can return to his dormitory, have a proper shower and put something in his stomach that isn't an energetic beverage.

 Ten seconds pass by and there is no sound coming from inside the room. He tries again, letting out a whine.

 Nothing.

 He's pushing his luck, but he tries on the doorknob anyway.

 Locked.

 He bumps his fist on the door a couple more times and he's short of losing it right there and then -- all the stress from midterms weeks about to come flooding out.

 "Fuck’s sake, I ain’t your bloody landlord Peter!" the door finally swings open, "I told you to get a dupli-- oh", and behind it is one of its room's inhabitants, wearing nothing but a towel over his hips and dripping water over the wooden floor.

 On any other day, Collins would've taken a moment to appreciate the sight before him, but today isn't 'any other day' so he goes straight to the point and pays that six-pack little to no mind.

 "Are you Farrier?" he barks. The stranger blinks, mouths something but makes no sound, taken off guard by his hostility, no doubt. "Are you?" Collins pushes.

 Now this manages to put a scowl on the guy's face, and he crosses two tattooed arms over his chest. He's built like a brick wall and it only manages to set Collins' teeth on edge even more.

 "Yeah, who's asking?"

 Collins hears himself let out a sigh.

 "Look, I need a book you have. Spanish Civil War, just give it to me, I have a test." He adds, feeling like his soul is leaving him and taking his eloquence along with it. His eloquence and his ability to make himself sound less Scottish for other people's sake.

 Collins finds he doesn't give a shit about other people's sake today. It's their problem if they don't understand his accent, so they should sort it the fuck out.

 Farrier smiles at him, at his extended expectant hand.

 Collins feels like a ticking time-bomb about to go off.

 "Have you got the book?" He asks another time.

 "What are you, the library police?" Farrier scoffs.

 "Gimme the fuckin' book, alright? You're way overdue" he snaps, his brain catching up with his mouth too late.

 (Although even later he finds he doesn't care).

 "Jesus mate, it's only a book" he turns around and disappears for a couple of seconds, when he returns he's no longer sporting that amusing smile and he looks Collins up and down in anger before putting the heavy paperback copy on his free hand. "Take a fucking break."

 Collins stumbles back as the door is slammed on his face.

 The sound brings him out of his reverie, and he blinks at the book on his hand, considering an apology for the briefest of moments before turning around and walking towards the stairs. By the time he's outside the rush of adrenaline is gone and there's a slight pain on his chest. Still, he pushes on until he's back at his own block.

 Should probably cut down on the caffeine...

                                                             *  *  *

 They meet again one week later.

 "Hey"

 When Collins has fallen asleep on his usual spot, a hidden table in a secluded corner of the History section of the library. The usual drill.

 "Hey, Spanish Civil War…"

 He jerks awake, somebody’s insistent hand on his shoulder.

 When he looks up Farrier’s staring him down, but Collins only realizes it’s him after he’s put his glasses back on and ran a hand over his drooling mouth.

 He checks the time on his phone, disoriented.

 “Yeah, they’re closing up”

 “Ugh”

 Just then, the lights over them go off, and Collins stumbles to his feet, knocking his book over to the floor and almost slipping on a pencil trying to get it back. Farrier strolls over the corner of the towering shelf of books and shouts: “Hang on!”, then he returns and gets Collins’ laptop under his arm and the backpack hanging from the chair as well, like he’s picking up his child from school.

 Farrier takes a step away but stops when Collins quickly starts running his hands over the table to clear the remaining balls of paper. Then he makes sure the chair is quickly tucked in place and bends over to check there’s nothing being left under the table.

 Farrier clears his throat.

 “Take your time” he says sarcastically.

 The remaining set of lights go off.

 “Shit” Collins mouths, running along now, “don’t think they heard ye”

 “You don’t say -- wait!”

 They catch Arthur at the door.

 “Blimey, boys. Almost left you!”

 “Sorry Mr. Cornwell” Collins grins, sheepishly.

 “Ah, Collins!” the old-man adjusts his glasses and leans over to him. “You again.”

 It sounds incriminating, and Farrier lets out a small laugh next to him.

 “Should get you a key, I should…” he mumbles as they pass him to get outside. Collins shudders and makes a sudden stop, causing Farrier to bump right into him.

 “Shite, forgot me ja--”

 “Well then, night to you gentlemen” but Arthur is already biding them farewell and very bent on returning to his own cozy and warm room. Collins doesn’t have the heart to stop him.

 He’ll make a run for it.

 He tugs at his bag, hanging from Farrier’s broad shoulder.

 “Thanks” he mutters under his breath, and Farrier hands him the laptop as well.

 “So, how was your test?”

 Collins ignores the question for a brief moment, as he puts the laptop inside the backpack and then puts the backpack on.

 There’s no reason to be a dick, he thinks. Except he kind of wants to be a dick to this guy.

 “Dunno” he retorts. He rubs his hands over his arms, only a thin shirt on, and nods in Farrier’s direction without actually looking at him. “See ya” he takes a step forward only to be stopped by that arm again.

 Sighing, he turns to look at him now, and Farrier’s undoing his thick woolen scarf, much to Collins’ dismay.

 “Your dorm’s further” he says, aiming to put it around his neck as well. That’s when Collins reacts, pushing his hands away along with the scarf.

 “What’s your deal?” he asks, nodding again in Farrier’s direction and feeling his nose starting to drip already. Couldn’t have been a coincidence, this guy turning round a corner and finding him passed out exactly a minute before the lock-down. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, Collins knows, on the contrary: the library sofas aren’t comfortable at all, and the air conditioning is turned off at night.

 He’d have woken up with a cold and a stiff neck.

 “What’s my deal? What’s your deal, mate? You always this snappy?”

 “Fuck off, I’m not snappy” Collins says, and closes his eyes in defeat just a second after. “Maybe I’m snappy. I’m having a shitty semester, why are ye following me around?”

 As Collins puts his hands on his trousers’ pockets to warm them up Farriers quickly takes advantage and rolls the scarf around his exposed neck before he can stop him.

 “Well, you’re the prettiest guy I’ve seen in a while and I think you need someone to keep you in check ‘cos you clearly overwork yourself” Farrier quickly explains, shrugging like it’s no big deal.

 Collins blinks, taken off guard, and he steps back.

 “What…?”

 “Yeah.” he shrugs again, nonchalant.

 Collins has a look around but sees no-one except for a couple of pigeons and a curly-haired blonde running back to the cafeteria. Is there a camera hidden somewhere near? Is someone hiding inside that trash-can with a cellphone?

 “I like a guy in glasses, sue me.”

 Collins lets out a disbelieving laugh.

 “Okay, bye” he’s resolute to leave now, and Farrier doesn’t try to stop him this time. He catches up with him, though, openly grinning.

 “I’ll walk you”

 “Alright” Collins stops on his tracks and faces him. “You want an apology for last week, I’m sorry I was a dick, as I said: I’m having a shitty semester,” he takes the scarf off and feels the cold embracing him fully back again, and his nose is impregnated with that fucking cocoa axe deodorant. “Please kindly fuck off.”

 “So that’s a no to the date?!” Farrier shouts as Collins hurries away.

 By the time he’s back at the dorm he’s openly shivering, Farrier’s perfume is stuck in his shirt and he quickly takes it off and locks himself in the bathroom to have a hot shower and pretend what just happened most definitely was a figment of his imagination.

[monards]

i fear that i don’t acknowledge enough the fact that i KNOW rhinedottir's evil !!! and she's horrible !!! and that she's wholly ireedamable !!! i know and love and respect that fact !!! i'd shoot myself in the frontal lobe if hoyo made her out to NOT be wholly evil !!!! but the reason i always go on and on and on about her humanity and complexity is because. SHE IS ALWAYS DUMBED DOWN !!!! TO JUST THAT !!!! it's literally the greatest and most moving theme (IN MY OPINION!!!) in genshin, that human beings are COMPLEX !!!! and they're MORE than just evil or bad or wtv. we see this through every character to almost ever be introduced to us -> literally just take arlecchino as an example. if anyone was at all paying attention to the discourse around her when the fontaine teaser dropped (and. 4.0 in general) it was the BIGGEST thing to watch people argue between "she's a harbinger, so she's clearly the most evil and the big antagonist of fontaine because of these accounts we have right now !!" versus the argument of "we've only seen ONE perspective of her so far, and it's no duh that all this stuff sucks -- but there's no way she's JUST gonna be all these horrible things,, because literally nobody to exist is just horrible and cruel with zero to no good in them. and also that'd make a shit narrative by hoyo in a story driven game" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED !!!! we saw !!! in REAL time !!! that while arlecchino was rightfully cruel and horrible and, yes the things she did were fucked up beyond belief and she should absolutely not be excused for any of it - she is NOT just evil ! she's shown to care, albeit in a fucked up way that only shows she's even more deranged ; but what's so incredibly important about her is the way that her being "evil" doesn't mean she's incapable of anything else. She is evil, yes— but so many of those evil actions have *motives* and *reasons* that explain them (but not excuse or condone!) and, although they don’t save her grace or anything of the sort, they DO show her true character. AND YHATS SO IMPORTANT!!!! She’s capable of being an antagonist while still being justified in some form, and given nuance and backstory and redeemable traits

I am !!! NEVER !!! going to say rhinedottir is a good person. she isn't! no shit sherlock ! how the fuck do you think im gonna go on and ignore the fact she sent both her kids to their deaths, and also fed one to another. dare i say, that is NOT anything good !!! suprise of the century !! woah !!! -- but what i AM gonna say is that she's much beyond that? hello !! not only has the point of her having not a zero good trait or will in her body been. proven false over and over and over again. but it's such ! Sad and not compelling is character choice for her *not* to be nuanced and complex and justified in a fucked up !! — like do you REALLY think hoyoverse (who is clearly capable of, and likes to make) complex characters, who are horrible, while not being *only* those horrible things, would pass up a golden (haha) opportunity to make a characters whose entire existence is JUST that??!,!2????

believe what you want! Do what you want! This is a silly video game that will be eroded along with time in a hundred in so years ! But god so help me, please don’t be willfully ignorant to the complexity and nuance of characters, just because you want a villain. No villain , real or not, is entirely evil. People are complex and multi faceted and people really, really need to hop off this cart of going “okay but stop saying she’s multifaceted because it takes away from her being evil” because it DOESNT! If anything, it makes her so much more compelling . Which is something some people can apparently. Not handle.

[monards]

listen I am soooo ready to bash on Rhinedottir as the next person is, because she’s so lovely and fun to shove into a open flame head first. BUT!!!! comma. there is a certain line i believe exists, where if you’re going out of your way to picture everything she does as explicitly cruel and ignore those good traits. there is maybe a little loss of the plot. somewhere

[monards]

the real reason i don’t dare mention my tiktok on here is because i really just use it to post insane stories rambling about random shit once a month and never touch it again.

[monards]

the beautiful land of spicazonia. Where all yuri is doomed and all men are just a bit pathetic Praise be

[monards]

Maybe we’ll get a screenshot Saturday post tomorrow -> coping