#coz this shit ain’t working

[therootednomad]

.

[lucifersresources]

taylor swift // midnights rp meme. 

edit/alter/change pronouns etc as you see fit!  

lavender haze. 

meet me at midnight. 

you don’t ever say too much. 

i’ve been under scrutiny. 

you handle it beautifully. 

all this shit is new to me. 

i’m damned if i do give a damn what people say. 

all they keep asking me is if i’m gonna be your bride. 

they’re bringing up my history. 

they’re bringing up my history, but you weren’t even listening. 

i just need this love spiral. 

maroon. 

we lost track of time again. 

you were my closest friend. 

how’d we end up on the floor anyway? 

i see you every day now. 

i chose you. 

we were shaking. 

how the hell did we lose sight of us again? 

ain’t that the way shit always ends. 

i feel you, no matter what. 

and i lost you. 

i wake with your memory over me. 

that’s a real fuckin’ legacy. 

anti-hero. 

i get older, but just never wiser. 

midnights become my afternoons. 

my depression works the graveyard shift. 

i should not be left to my own devices. 

i end up in crisis. 

i wake up screaming from dreaming. 

one day i’ll watch as you’re leaving.

one day i’ll watch as you’re leaving, coz you got tired of my scheming. 

it’s me, hi. i’m the problem, it’s me. 

i’m the problem. 

i’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror. 

it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero. 

i’m a monster on the hill. 

did you hear my covert narcissism i disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman? 

life will lose all its meaning. 

she thinks i left them in the will. 

she’s laughing up at us from hell. 

snow on the beach. 

life is emotionally abusive. 

time can’t stop me quite like you did. 

i’m unglued, thanks to you. 

it’s like snow at the beach: weird, but fucking beautiful. 

you wanting me tonight, feels impossible. 

this scene feels like what i once saw on a screen. 

i’ve never seen someone lit from within. 

my smile is like i won a contest. 

to hide that would be so dishonest. 

it’s fine to fake it till you make it. 

i can’t speak. 

i don’t even dare to wish it. 

can this be a real thing? 

you’re on your own, kid. 

summer went away, still the yearning stays. 

i play it cool with the best of them. 

he’s gonna notice me. 

we’re the best of friends anyway. 

i hear it in your voice. 

i didn’t choose this town, i dream of getting out. 

there’s just one who could make me stay. 

i waited ages to see you there. 

you never cared. 

you’re on your own, kid. you always have been. 

you’re on your own, kid. 

i see the great escape. 

he loves me not. 

something different bloomed. 

i’ll run away. 

i gave my blood, sweat and tears for this. 

the jokes weren’t funny. 

i took the money. 

my friends from home don’t know what to say. 

there were pages turned with the bridges burned. 

everything you lose is a step you take. 

you’ve got no reason to be afraid. 

you can face this. 

midnight rain. 

he wanted it comfortable, i wanted that pain. 

he wanted a bride, i was making my own name. 

he stayed the same. 

all of me changed. 

my town was a wasteland. 

for some, it was paradise. 

i broke his heart coz he was nice. 

i was midnight rain. 

i guess sometimes we all get just what we wanted. 

he never thinks of me. 

i guess we all get some kind of haunted. 

i never think of him. 

i never think of him, except on midnights like this. 

question...? 

we had one thing going on, i swear that it was something. 

i don’t remember who i was before you. 

i just may like some explanations. 

can i ask you a question? 

did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room? 

what did you do?

did you ever leave her house in the middle of the night? 

did you wish you’d put up more of a fight? 

it was too much. 

do you wish you could still touch her? 

did you realise out of time? 

fuckin’ politics and gender roles. 

i just may like to have a conversation. 

does it feel like everything’s just like second best after that meteor strike? 

i’m sure that’s what’s suitable. 

vigilante shit. 

draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man. 

you did some bad things, but i’m the worst of them. 

sometimes i wonder which one will be your last lie. 

they say looks can kill and i might try. 

i don’t dress for women, i don’t dress for men, lately i’ve been dressing for revenge. 

i don’t start shit.

i don’t start shit, but i can tell you how it ends. 

don’t get sad, get even. 

i’ve been dressing for revenge. 

she needed cold hard proof, so i gave her some. 

picture me, thick as thieves with your ex-wife. 

she looks so pretty, driving in your benz. 

ladies always rise above. 

i’m on my vigilante shit again. 

bejeweled. 

i think i’ve been a little too kind. 

didn’t notice you walking all over my peace of mind. 

putting someone first only works when you’re in their top five. 

i’m going out tonight. 

best believe i’m still bejeweled when i walk in the room. 

i can still make the whole place shimmer. 

familiarity breeds comtempt. 

don’t put me in the basement when i want the penthouse of your heart. 

i polish up real nice. 

i think i’ve been too good of a girl. 

i think it’s time to teach some lessons. 

i made you my world. 

have you heard? i can reclaim the land. 

i miss you, but i miss sparkling. 

sadness became my whole sky. 

but some guy said my aura’s moonstone. 

you can try to change my mind, but you might have to wait in line. 

a diamond’s gotta shine. 

labyrinth. 

it only hurts this much right now. 

i’ll be getting over you my whole life. 

i’m falling in love.

i’m falling in love again. 

it only feels this raw right now. 

lost in the labyrinth of my mind. 

you would break your back to make me break a smile. 

you know how much i hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back. 

karma. 

you’re talking shit. 

addicted to betrayal. 

you’re terrified to look down. 

you’ll see the glare of everyone you burned. 

it’s coming back around. 

karma is my boyfriend. 

karma’s a relaxing thought. aren’t you envious that for you it’s not? 

my pennies made your crown. 

don’t you know that cash ain’t the only price? 

ask me what i learned from all those years. 

ask me what i earned from all those tears. 

ask me why so many fade, but i’m still here.

so many fade.

i’m still here. 

karma is the thunder rattling your ground. 

karma’s on your scent like a bounty hunter. 

sweet nothing. 

they said the end is coming.

the end is coming. 

everyone’s up to something. 

i find myself running home to your sweet nothings. 

all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing. 

this happens all the time. 

you should be doing more. 

to you i can admit that i’m just too soft for all of it. 

i’m just too soft for all of it. 

mastermind. 

the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned. 

the touch of a hand lit the fuse. 

checkmate, i couldn’t lose.

i couldn’t lose. 

what if i told you none of it was accidental. 

none of it was accidental. 

the first night that you saw me, nothing was gonna stop me. 

what if i told you i’m a mastermind? 

i’m a mastermind. 

now you’re mine. 

we were born to be the pawn in every lover’s game. 

if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. 

strategy sets the scene for the tale. 

the first night that you saw me, i knew i wanted your body.

i wanted your body. 

it was all my design. 

no one wanted to play with me as a little kid.

i’ve been scheming. 

i’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since.

i’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since to make them love me. 

this is the first time i’ve felt the need to confess. 

i’m only cryptic and machiavellian coz i care. 

you knew the entire time. 

you knew that i’m a mastermind. 

the great war. 

my knuckles were bruised like violets. 

cursed you as i sleep talked. 

spineless in my tomb of silence. 

tore your banners down, took the battle underground. 

flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur. 

my hand was the one you reach for all throughout the great war. 

i vowed not to cry anymore. 

if we survived the great war. 

you drew up some good faith treaties. 

you said i have to trust more freely. 

you were playing with fire. 

maybe it’s the past that’s talking. 

maybe it’s the past that’s talking-- telling me to punish you for things you never did. 

i justified it. 

i vowed not to fight anymore. 

i vowed not to fight anymore if we survived the great war. 

got a sense i’d been betrayed. 

that was the night i nearly lost you.

i nearly lost you. 

i really thought i’d lost you. 

we can plant a memory garden. 

there’s no morning glory, it was war, it wasn’t fair. 

we will never go back to that bloodshed. 

we’re burned for better. 

i vowed i would always be yours.

i would always be yours. 

paris. 

all the outfits were terrible. 

i’m so in love that i might stop breathing. 

i was taken by the view. 

romance is not dead. 

romance is not dead if you keep it just yours. 

levitate above all the messes made. 

i want to brainwash you into loving me forever. 

high infidelity. 

i didn’t know you were keeping count. 

you said i was freeloading. 

put on your records and regret me. 

i bent the truth too far tonight. 

i was dancing around it. 

do i really have to chart the constellations in his eyes? 

seemed like the right thing at the time. 

there’s so many different ways that you can kill the one you love. 

there’s so many different ways that you can kill the one you love. the slowest way is never loving them enough. 

do i really have to tell you how he brought me back to life? 

glitch. 

we were supposed to be just friends. 

maybe i’ll see you out some weekend. 

i think there’s been a glitch. 

i’m fastening myself to you. 

i’m not even sorry. 

i was supposed to sweat you out. 

our love is blacking out. 

the system’s breaking down. 

i’d go back to wanting dudes who give nothing. 

would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. 

if you tasted poison you could’ve spit me out. 

if you’d never looked my way i would’ve stayed on my knees. 

i damn sure never would’ve danced with the devil. 

the pain was heaven. 

now that i’m grown, i’m scared of ghosts. 

memories feel like weapons. 

i wish you’d left me wondering. 

if you never touched me i would’ve gone along with the righteous. 

you made me feel important. 

you made me feel important, then you tried to erase us. 

you tried to erase us. 

you’re a crisis of my faith. 

if i’d only played it safe. 

i miss who i used to be. 

the tomb won’t close. 

i regret you all the time. 

i can’t let this go. 

i fight with you in my sleep. 

the wound won’t close. 

i keep on waiting for a sign. 

if clarity’s in death, then why won’t this die? 

living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts.

give me back my girlhood, it was mine first. 

dear reader. 

if it feels like a trap, you’re already in one. 

just run. 

pick somewhere and just run. 

desert all your past lives. 

if you don’t recognise yourself, that means you did it right. 

never take advice from someone who’s falling apart. 

bend when you can, snap when you have to. 

you don’t have to answer just cause they asked you. 

the greatest of luxuries is your secrets. 

when you aim at the devil, make sure you don’t miss. 

i prefer hiding in plain sight. 

you should find another guiding light. 

[saevus-brutalis]

last art this year

was supposed to be for pride month but— ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒷𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝓊𝓉𝓊𝓇𝑒.

some lore surrounding these two that is too long overdue but 🤷‍♂️

not as detailed and rambly as i’d like it to be, but i’m really burned out and i’m trying to get back to it🧍‍♂️

nevermind it’s pretty rambly lol

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

all the way back in 2038 Vincent and Ray, after dating for around two years, agreed to leave California together on august 21st — Ragan’s birthday; it was supposed to be his birthday gift of sorts, a start of a new chapter, new life;

buuut Vince, being a little shit teenager, got cold feet (in Ray’s eyes, Vince always justified that as being rational) and ditched him last minute, not showing up in their agreed spot, making Ragan leave on his own after hours of waiting.

this caused Ray to despite his own birthdate, it always reminding him of the heartbreak and betrayal. 🧍‍♂️

Vincent has felt guilty ever since, but firmly believed it was the right choice. he was never fit to live a nomadic lifestyle at such a young age.

four decades later their paths cross again and a long healing journey ensues.

so now this date is pretty bittersweet to both of them 🧍‍♂️ but it gets better overtime

basically right person, wrong time

although i think if they did ran away together then, it wouldn’t have ended good at all 🤷‍♂️ with Vince still being pretty immature emotionally, still struggling with some inner personal things (family stuff, internalized homophobia, etc.) and not familiar with the nomadic culture and ways of living. they’d probably get in bad fights more and more as the time would go on, and eventually split. Vince would’ve decided to go back to Night City probably (if he ever would make it back) and they’d never end up back together has they met in the future.

their separation allowed them to grow and mature on their own, in their own familiar environments, experience different things, and after they met again, after all those years, they put their feelings and mutual attraction to the test

and it turned out they still want each other even with all the imperfections 🧍‍♂️(i’m not crying you are) they could lie all they want but their brain chemistry couldn’t. Vincent never loved someone they way he loved Ragan, and Ray never quite felt the same way with anyone else like he felt with Vince. there was always something missing, something not quite right. and while they could tell each other they’re looking for something too far out of their reach, that they’re looking for a too perfect partner, in reality they always just wanted each other 🧍‍♂️

they still have a lot to work on together in their relationship, but now that they’re too old for teenage fights and too tired for heartbreaks, they make compromises and their fights make their bond and their understanding of one another stronger 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️

like we acknowledge that Vince did a shitty thing by ghosting Ray, going no contact and being a puss, too scared to man up, and tell him face to face ‘hey i can’t go, this type of thing ain’t for me’. he didn’t want to acknowledge that, saying that out loud, or even in his mind, would make that real and that scared him. he was definitely a teen who’d rather avoid doing something he wasn’t comfortable with to not experience the uncomfortable feelings altogether. the avoidant type we all know and love 🧍‍♂️

and yet Ray still chose to love him 🧍‍♂️ he’s definitely like ‘this man’s trash but he’s *my* trash’. Vince gets better eventually after Ray finally gets through his thick ass skull.

but also i’m not gonna sit here and say Ragan fixed Vince coz that wasn’t the case 🤷‍♂️ this is not a ‘i’m gonna fix him’ type of situation. Ragan wasn’t and isn’t perfect either, his perspective was kinda askew as well; can’t quite describe it as i haven’t psychoanalyzed him as much as Vincent but they’re both flawed, make mistakes left and right and learn from that (sooner or later) like human beings 🧍‍♂️

but in the end they’re just old men in love

[chobit92]

The Quarry: Part Six

Sorry it has taken me ages to update this. Never enough hours in the day.

Warning: Miscarriage.

(Mara wakes up. She must have fallen asleep again. Damnit! That cop could have done anything to her. She looks around but he isn’t in the room. She sits up slightly and sighs. She is still hungry and she feels slightly sick. The door opens and the cop walks back in followed by a doctor. The cop sees that she is awake and he gives her a look. She swallows hard. The doctor smiles at her.).

Doctor: Mara?

(She goes to open her mouth, to tell this doctor everything that the cop has done but then she remembers what the cop said about Laura and Max never being found. That she would be seen as a mad woman. He’s probably only saying that to keep her mouth shut so he doesn’t land in the shit. But she has no idea what he’s really capable of. He could do anything. The doctor has moved closer to the bed. He is looking at her with concern.).

Doctor: How are you feeling?

Mara: Shit. You?

(The doctor raises his eyebrows and looks at the cop. The cop looks at Mara again and slowly shakes his head. She glares at him.).

Doctor: I’ve given the Sheriff your prescription. You will need to take antibiotics for the infection and get-

Mara: Plenty of rest. This isn’t my first miscarriage.

Doctor: No. I am sorry.

Mara: Everyone says that.

(She looks at the cop.).

Mara: But they ain’t.

(Something changes in his expression. It’s subtle but it’s there. Mara frowns. She can’t quite work out what he’s feeling but it seems to be...Regret? But no that can’t be right. He’s a sadistic asshole that likes drugging and kidnapping young girls. But then why kidnap Max? That makes no sense unless he was in the way. Yes he was a witness so he had to be taken too. That’s it. Her mind is suddenly spinning. Why is he doing this? Why shouldn’t she tell this doctor what he’s done? What is he gonna do really? Then she thinks about all the TV shows and all the documentaries. They always get away with it. The assholes always get away with it. She’s so torn over what to do that she hasn’t heard a word the doctor has been saying.).

Doctor: And I’ve put a leaflet in the bag regarding drug rehab clinics.

Mara: What? I’m not a junkie.

Doctor: We found Ketamine in your system.

Mara: Well I didn’t put it there.

(The cop is now giving her a warning look and he raises his eyebrows.).

Doctor: There’s no shame in admitting that you need help.

Mara: I don’t need help. I do just fine on my own.

Doctor: Hm. I’m sure you do.

(The doctor turns to the cop and he raises his eyebrows.).

Doctor: I’ll get the nurse to come in and remove your catheter.

(The doctor leaves. The cop walks over to the bed and looks down at her.).

Travis: Smart choice. Keeping your mouth shut.

Mara: Oh don’t get comfy. I’ll get you for this. Like I told you. You killed my baby. You have to live with that.

(She doesn’t know if he has a conscience or not. But if he does she hopes this is tearing him up inside.).

Mara: I don’t know exactly what you’re planning to do with me and my friends...But I will not let you get away with this.

(His expression hasn’t changed but he is now looking at the floor as if he can’t look her in the eyes.).

Travis: You should rest. We’ll be leaving soon.

(He turns away from her and sits back down in the chair. She lies there staring at the ceiling and he sees a tear roll down her cheek. He watches as it disappears into her hair. She sniffs.).

Mara: So when we leave...Where are we going back to prison?

Travis: Yes.

Mara: Why?

Travis: Just shut up.

Mara: No.

Travis: Want me to drug you again?

Mara: Ah yes. Drug her to shut her up again coz that’s much easier than explaining to her why you’ve kidnapped her and killed her baby.

(She turns and glares at him.).

Mara: You are not going to tell me to shut up anymore. You will not drug me anymore. I deserve more than this! I deserve an explanation as to why I’ve been locked up and drugged, and I deserve to have a baby!

(She lets out a sob. The cop sits there silently. The door opens and a nurse walks in.).

Nurse: Miss Benton?

Mara: That’s me.

Nurse: I’ve come to remove your catheter.

Mara: Great.

(The nurse looks at the cop.).

Nurse: I’m going to have to ask you to leave sir.

(The cop stands up and looks at Mara.).

Travis: I’ll be right outside.

(He gives her a warning look. A look that says keep your mouth shut. He then leaves the room. Mara lies there wondering again if she should just tell this nurse what’s happened. She opens her mouth to speak but a voice in the back of her head pipes up. But he’s the Sheriff. They won’t believe you.).

Nurse: How are you feeling?

Mara: Tired.

Nurse: I’m sorry for your loss.

Mara: Been here before. Should be used to it by now.

Nurse: No. You shouldn’t.

Mara: Maybe I should just give up trying. Someone’s obviously trying to tell me something.

(The nurse gives her a sympathetic look.).

Mara: Why does this keep happening to me?

Nurse: I don’t know sweetheart. But it isn’t your fault alright?

Mara: Not this time.

Nurse: What?

(Mara wonders why she just hasn’t opened her mouth and told this woman everything. What’s the cop gonna do? Kill her? He’d never get away with that. But he would deny it all wouldn’t he? He said he wouldn’t tell anyone where Laura and Max is. He probably wouldn’t either. She lies there thinking then lets out a wince.).

Nurse: You’ll be a little sore I’m afraid.

Mara: Yeah. I’ve done this before.

(The nurse has that sympathetic face on again. Mara hates catheters. They always leave you with a burning sensation down there and you feel like you need to pee constantly.).

Nurse: Right, we’re all done.

Mara: Great.

Nurse: Listen if you need to talk-

Mara: You can’t help me. Can I leave now?

Nurse: I don’t see why not. Just get some rest okay?

Mara: Yeah.

(The nurse leaves and the cop walks back in.).

Travis: She said you were free to go.

Mara: Apparently so.

(Mara sees the doctor from earlier. He’s followed Travis into the room.).

Doctor: If you need any help-

Mara: I don’t.

(The cop takes out a key and undoes the handcuffs. He is fixing her with a stare that could cut through steel. Like she’s going to try anything with the good doctor watching. That will only make her look like the criminal the cops made her out to be. She sits up and winces.).

Mara: Do I need to sign anything?

Doctor: No. You take it easy.

Mara: Yeah.

(The cop lowers the railing and Mara swings her legs round and slides off the bed onto her feet. She feels exhausted and dizzy. Probably the drugs that cop keeps filling her with. She falls forwards right into him and he catches her holding her up. She can feel his body pressed against hers and his hands gripping her arm and her side. She finds her feet and straightens up yanking herself away from him.).

Doctor: You alright?

Travis: Take it easy.

Mara: Don’t touch me. Where are my clothes?

Doctor: Right here.

(The doctor walks to the side unit and produces the outfit she was wearing when she came in. She stares at the blood on the skirt then swallows hard.).

Doctor: You can get changed in there.

(He indicates towards the bathroom. Mara grabs her clothes and walks through the door closing it behind her. She uses the loo then washes her hands before getting dressed. She leaves the hospital gown on the counter next to the sink. She opens the door and walks back into the room. The cop grabs her arms pinning them behind her back before he places the cuffs back on her.).

Mara: Get the fuck off me!

Doctor: Is that really necessary?

Travis: I’m afraid so.

Doctor: She’s very tired and in pain I hardly think she’s going to try running.

(Mara is breathing heavily and is hunched over. The cop takes hold of her arm.).

Travis: Come on.

(He picks up the bag the doctor gave him and guides Mara out of the room. The doctor watches them go. Mara just keeps walking the feel of the cops hand on her arm guiding her down the hall. Once they get outside she stops walking. She stands there feeling the breeze on her face.).

Travis: Come on.

(He tugs on her arm and leads her to his car. He opens the back door and guides her into the seat with his hand on her head. He then leans across her to put her seatbelt on. She leans back as far as she can to avoid brushing against him. He clips her belt in place then retreats shutting the door. He climbs in the drivers’ seat and starts the engine. She leans against the window as he pulls out of the hospital car park and heads off down the road.).

 (Mara is aware of someone shaking her gently. She opens her eyes and looks up to see the cop.).

Travis: Come on.

(She must have fallen asleep. She’s so tired and she’s dying for a piss. He grabs her arm and she allows herself to be pulled from the car. She sees that they are outside a police station. There are trees on one side of the small car park and weeds are growing everywhere. The place is in darkness and as he leads her up the steps of the building she looks back and sees a street and a small green but the place is deserted. She catches sight of another building across the way but it looks abandoned. There isn’t any glass in any of the windows. She is shoved through the door and watches as the cop locks it behind them. She looks around the room and sees several desks all with their chairs stacked neatly on them. There is only one light so most of the place is in darkness. It has a creepy feel to it. She takes a few steps forwards then stops dead as she hears a woman’s voice.).

Woman: They took everything from me. Make them pay.

Mara: What?

(The cop frowns at her. She looks at him.).

Travis: What?

Mara: Nothing.

(Either he didn’t hear it or he’s messing with her. Or maybe she’s finally gone mad and she’s hearing things. But then she thinks back to that woman in the woods. Laura and Max saw her too so she isn’t delusional.).

Travis: Come on.

(He leads her to the back of the room and they walk through a gate into a caged area. He then leads her past some benches and into the showers. He undoes the handcuffs and takes them off.).

Travis: Did you pack a towel?

Mara: What?

Travis: A towel?

Mara: Um...Yeah.

Travis: Good. I’ll go get you some clean clothes.

Mara: What?

Travis: I said I’d get you some clean clothes.

(She frowns at him.).

Travis: I’ll be back in a moment.

(He leaves the room and she hears the gate clang shut. She stands there for a moment then leaves the room. She sees that he’s locked the gate caging her in. Bastard. She turns and walks through an open doorway and finds herself outside the cells. She walks into the first one and uses the loo. Damn it hurts. She then walks over to the next cell. Laura is sat on the bed and she looks up at Mara shocked before leaping to her feet. She strides over to the bars.).

Laura: Oh my God Mara!

(Max shouts from the other cell.).

Max: Hey! You okay?

Mara: Not really.

Laura: Oh hon...What did he do to you?

Mara: He took me to the hospital.

Laura: He did?

Max: No way.

Mara: Yeah. Then he drugged me again.

Max: Asshole.

Laura: I don’t understand why he’d take you to hospital. I mean...Have you told anyone what he did to us?

Mara: I was gonna tell them what he did but...He said he’d never tell anyone where you were. He made me out to be some junkie and said that no one would believe me. I should have told them. I was so...Angry and now I have to go through this again! I shouldn’t have let him dictate what I said.

Max: This isn’t your fault.

Mara: I should have just told them.

Laura: I would have done. Like he could have covered this up!

Mara: They always find a way. They always weasel their way out of this crap. I have to make sure that he can’t do that.

(She grips the bars and closes her eyes letting out a breath.).

Laura: Are you okay?

Mara: You’ve already asked me that.

(The cop appears.).

Travis: Hey. No talking.

Mara: Why not? You still ain’t doing any.

(The cop narrows his eyes. Mara walks over to him.).

Mara: Why are we here?

(She goes dizzy again and has to lean against the wall. He steps towards her but she flinches away from him.).

Mara: Piss off! You’ve already done enough damage!

(He stops and stands there staring at her.).

Travis: Fine. I take it you don’t want your shower then.

Laura: Shower? How about some food first.

Max: Yeah we’re starving here.

Travis: Shut up.

(He looks at Mara.).

Travis: Come on. I haven’t got all night.

(She slowly follows him back to the showers. She sees that he’s left a towel and some clothes along with her small bag of toiletries. She puts her hand on the bag then opens it. Her toothpaste, toothbrush and her shampoo and shower gel are all in it along with her makeup. Her hairbrush is there too.).

Travis: Ten minutes.

(He leaves the room. She slowly takes her clothes off and stares at her reflection in the mirror. Tears sting her eyes and she walks over to the shower. The taps are covered in rust and grime and she bets there isn’t any hot water in this place. She turns the tap on and stands there with her hand under the water. To her surprise it comes out quite hot. She adjusts the temperature a bit then steps underneath the water. She stands there letting the hot water pour over her. Then she is sobbing. She leans against the wall and sinks to the floor. She tucks her knees to her chest and sits there. She doesn’t know how long she sits there for. She finally gets up and turns the shower off before going to the sink. She grabs the towel and wraps it around herself. There is a hairdryer attached to the wall and she lifts it off its hook before switching it on. It always takes ages to dry her hair as it’s so long. She switches off the dryer. She hears a knock from outside.).

Travis: Hurry it up.

(Her hair will have to do. She slowly opens her makeup bag then looks at her reflection again. She picks up her hairbrush and runs it through her hair. She then starts applying makeup. A few minutes later the cop walks in.).

Travis: Time’s up.

(He stares at her.).

Travis: Who’s all that for?

Mara: Nobody. I just...Want to feel like myself again. I want to feel normal again.

(He is silent.).

Mara: What, you thought it was for you?

(She glares at him then scoffs.).

Travis: Hurry up and get dressed.

Mara: Like you didn’t wander in here for a look.

(He shakes his head then leaves the room. Mara dries herself off and gets dressed. Her black leggings and baggy grey sweater. She wishes she had her pyjamas and her dressing gown. Maybe a coffee too. She sighs and looks at herself in the mirror again before she leaves the room. The cop leads her back to the cells and she walks into hers. She goes straight over to the bed and lies down facing away from him. She hears him close and lock the cell door before she hears his footsteps echoing away down the hall.).

Laura: Mara?

Mara: What?

Laura: Are you okay?

Mara: You keep asking me that. The answer is still the same. No.

Laura: I’m so sorry. This shouldn’t have happened.

Mara: No it shouldn’t. Maybe you should have listened to me and gone to the motel like I said.

Laura: Hey this isn’t my fault.

(Mara doesn’t answer. Deep down she knows this isn’t really Laura’s fault. But at the same time she can’t help but feel angry at her for not listening. Mara doesn’t know how long she lies there crying silently. She hears the cops footsteps again and something slides across the floor.).

Travis: Dinner.

(She then hears him walk to the other two cells. She stays where she is. She doesn’t feel like eating and whatever shit he’s given her probably isn’t worth it anyway. She hears him stop at her cell.).

Travis: Hey. You need to eat. Your tablet’s there too. The doc said you had to take ‘em.

(She doesn’t move or answer him. She hears him sigh before his footsteps disappear up the hall again.).

[notalexus]

"History does not disclose the name of the first black person dragged onto a slave ship, the first black person held in newly constructed prisons, or the first black person forcibly recruited to work on a colonial plantation. But black people have been arriving late ever since, hoping that the slavers have left, the ships traveled beyond the horizon, the whip silenced, the work done, the suffering gone.

Black time—whether you call it colored people time (CPT) or African timing (AT) or the deliciousness of syncopation—black time is about delay, interruption, break: strategic lateness.

Black time is long time, deep time, waiting time, excavated time, time around time. The not-here, the not-yet-there, the it-will-be-coming, the it-has-been-to-come, the it’s-not-wasn’t-yet, the it-was-just-here-yet-to-be-now. The fold, the crease, the wrinkle, the tick that does not tock. The tock that does not talk. The silence that does not break. The breaking that will not be broken. The.

You-just-missed-it.

Black time is hungry time. Ravenous time. Gluttonous time. Cannibal time.

Black time is waiting time, time after the reservation, time after other people’s time, time cut by other people’s time, time as didn’t-see-you, time as can-you-wait, time as you-again, time as I-don’t-have-time-for-this-shit.

Black time is dropped consonants, slipped sounds, skipped beats, don’t-wanna-ain’t-gonna-coz-it-don’t-make-no-difference time. Black time is learned time, doing time, time done, time-to-do, time-never-done, time-undone. Time-served, time-to-serve, time-serving, time-unserved, time-put-off, time-for-time, pipeline-time, skipping-time, cut-time, time-cut, cutting-time.

I haven’t seen you for a minute.

Sorry I’m posting this late. I was running behind."

– Black Time, Keguro Macharia

[hypnoticerotica]

but it just hurts so much, when it ain’t working out, coz i want nobody else but you.

and i used to be on my replacing shit, i would switch a nigga out so damn quick if he getting w my shit, but it just ain’t like that w you

[no-more-icons]

Dark clouds over where you lay // Everytime we fight girl we always bring the rain

Running through the seasons in a day // Our emotions change like the weather yet again

Running up the bill on my card and then // You’re poppin all the bottles in club with your friends // Champagne showers anything to take your mind off us

Shit ain’t perfect // And I don’t wanna stand in the way for too long // If we working // But I think that we’re right where we belong

Somewhere in the middle baby // SomeBetween the truth and a tale // Somewhere in the middle baby // Somewhere between heaven and hell

Coz I can see blue as we sail through the storms eye // But if you wanna bring rain then it’s Alright

Catch me on the flip side

Somewhere between heaven and hell

[superlocktvd]

KinnPorsche | Episode 13

This week has been quite dramatic for the KinnPorsche fandom. However we have a new episode today and since I only get to do this just one more time after today not gonna go beyond the episode. 

Let’s dive in what has been one of the most awaited episodes (something I say about every episode). The thoughts and feelings of my first watch of episode 13 shall begin now

This episode not only Vegas gets punched but we have been choke slammed with the copious amount of pain and suffering 

Vegas and Pete right of the bat. Vegas that’s one way to flirt I guess

Vegas just a bullet through his head. You have the entire fandom’s blessing to do so. Hell I can assure you volunteers too. 

Vegas please it’s been 10minutes I am already crying.

Tankhun the only reason everybody else except the main family is buried 6ft deep is because you don’t hold the reins

Porsche no just no..whatever you are thinking it’s just not ok

They said I LOVE YOU...and with the time it took for Kinn to say it back you can see how much strength and trust he had to gather to put it out there. 

Jesus christ the pool scene..I have nail marks on cheeks because I cannot scream right now. Please god is testing me and I ain’t his strongest soldier. My heart is pounding. Time to hit pause and take deep breaths. 

So my crying has intensified. will soon be bawling if that’s not everyone don’t really know what you guys are watching

Porchay really is strong.. Last episode he spoke back, this episode he clocked.. I mean kudos to you 

They went the novel way...in family. Lord one missing word changes the freaking context please.

Porsche and Vegas of course, this duo never fails does it?? *sarcasm*

The iron of Vegas/Porsche and Kinn/Pete on opposite sides just wow. There is some lyricism here which once my brain works I can say although for shits and giggles why don’t Pete and Kinn just be serves the other dumbo pair who is  forever meeting in the dark with no one around. 

A lot many things happened will keep adding once I find my brain to work because I am dehydrated. I am crying but there ain’t tears. This is worrisome not gonna lie. As much as I loved those little sprinkles of comedy. I cannot recap it because I am no longer in possession of coherent thoughts and in terrible need to touch grass for reality to kick in. I have never been so on the edge with an episode.

Also this episode has quite literally is an answer to those people who ever underestimated the production, acting or anything about the show.  Again my opinion coz haters gonna hate.

EMOTIONAL DAMAGE and if I die what a way to go.

PS - I am not ready for next week. I cannot accept a reality where I don’t get my weekly KinnPorsche. 

[lightskinrry]

Y’all willl be like the book is anti police and pro LGBTQ but it’s literally written by a straight white woman and y’all then don’t get why making a movie promoting the hot pop star as a gay cop is humanizing a profession that kills LGBTQ youth and especially LGBTQ people of color . Y’all know dam well the only thing the white gay libs will see is hot cop Harry styles and knowing perfectly the movie will be directed and made all thru a white lens I don’t expect anything in terms of actual message on law enforcement institutions . Anyway I would love for Harry to play a gay lead . Put him in a rom com and make him fall in love with the guy next door but don’t think I will support any shit show of a movie representing how a gay cop deals with being a cop and gay lmaosksi I don’t give a fuck . True to life experience ; you’re conflicted about being a minority and working in institutions that systemically oppress your own ; QUIT . End of the story

And the only thing y’all should consider is just shutting the fuck up when black fans express concern or disagreement with something as tone deaf as making this movie . I ain’t putting a gun to yo head sayin you can’t see it . I’m vocal about how fucked up i think this is coz I’m a fan of Harry and at the end of the day it won’t change anybody’s life and I still wanna give Harry the slurp vaccum 3000 but if I wanna be mad I’ll be mad . Period

[moxfirefly]

I come bearing the gift of Angst™️ like yall this took for fucking ever and this is some sad af shit here so I’m sorry but it was an idea that hatched and I wanted to do it.

Rated Mature (18+ and up only)

TW: Blood, mentions of alcohol, death

Tagging a few Lee fans, my apologies already lol @southernblossoms @aurora-the-kunoichi @ray-jaykub

“Now I'm trying to wake you up,

To pull you from the liquid sky,

Coz if I don't we'll both end up,

With just your song to say goodbye.”

Leonardo sees the night sky above him, the hard rain falling down on him and a vision of something he finds so beautiful.

You.

He smiles at the image. He welcomes it and allows himself to be whisked away.

The cold night slips away in hues and as the rain falls down in harsh drops he refuses to give the cold pavement beneath him much thought. He sees something shiny fly across his vision and the only sound he surrounds himself is the sound of your laugh.

“I-I’m... S-“

_______________

You wake with a startle and a gasp. The coldness in the room too intense for the usual New York winter. You wrap yourself in the duvet and patter towards the heater, it’s clearly not working for some reason and you contemplate freezing and forgetting.

Sitting on the carpet, legs crossed and wrapped up you try your best to not let your thoughts stray. The cellphone in your hand is warm and your finger hovers over Donatello’s number.

There’s a large duvet on the living room window. Your eyes have refused to land there, to linger and allow for the icy sensation to run through your veins. Every so often you wonder about moving, not just from your apartment but from New York. To leave everything behind and forget that this was your reality.

-Don’t think about it-

The sentence echoes and echoes and echoes.

You press down on the number.

________________

Leonardo secretly enjoyed being babied. He emphasized secretly, even if he knew that you knew to some degree. Your eyes trail bruises that tell a story of violence but Leo was always vigilant of never dragging you down that road.

It’s a horror show.

You press a frozen bag of peas to his eye, the swelling and black ring angry. “You can’t keep this up” You whisper against the top of his head.

“I have to, nobody is going to end this. Not the cops, not nobody that ain’t us... or me” There’s leftover adrenaline in his voice and if you weren’t sure you could command him to stay he’d probably haul ass and go out again before the sun decided to rise once more and ruin plans.

Leo is convinced that only he can bring down Shredder. Only he can save everything and everyone. It’s a stupid thought you think to yourself, that only one mutant such as himself could even pull it off.

But a huge chunk of himself doesn’t want his family involved like this. He doesn’t want the risk. “Your need to control everything is really annoying” You let go of the bag, he manages to catch it and place it back. You exit the bathroom and contemplate just how much bleach you’re going to need to get all of this blood out of your carpet.

You stare and feel your eyes begging to fog. The image of Leo climbing in a mess of cuts and bruises. Something within you wants to scream and never stop. You hear Leo get up, heavy steps approaching you as you stand like a ghost in the middle of the living room.

“Y/n...” Leo’s voice is soft but that hint of guilt stabs the end of your name. “Just leave with me, why can’t we go somewhere else? We can take your family and just leave, Lee” You turn around, fingers digging into your scalp. The manic feeling rises inside of you and your tears have to spill. Leo’s eyes look broken because he wishes he could give you this and everything you’ve ever desired.

“You don’t owe these people your life, Leo” You press a hand to your mouth as a quiet sob escapes you. “Please just-“ Your tears spill and he’s there in an instant to catch you and hold you so close it almost hurts. He soothes you with kisses and caresses even as you angrily want to shove him away for making this so difficult you fall against him.

The worry eats away at your insides. Why can’t he just understand that the world will never be rid of evil? It’ll find a new host to use and bring more chaos and death. Leo holds you close, even as you collapse against him in anger and fear, he holds you and tries to quiet the loud voice in your head.

The voice that bellows, ‘This isn’t going to end well.’

_____________

Leo’s eyes flutter open, an urge stuck in his throat that chokes him. The inherit need to cough pushes him somewhat upwards but as he tries he feels copper in his mouth, the taste of pennies too strong, god he wants to vomit. Warmth spills from his mouth as he looks about, eyes scanning but the rainfall blurs his vision.

He hears screaming.

He knows Shredder’s down, the monster hasn’t moved.

Leo keeps hearing his name in the distance, his side feels a pin prick when he tries to roll over the pain shoots all over his body and liquid spills from his mouth.

It’s blood.

______________

“Sorry for calling so late but it’s either that or freezing to death” You prepared coffee as Donatello eyed the heater. “I hate winter so I understand” He picked up a wrench when you came into the room, mugs in hand and the blanket still wrapped around your cold body.

“How are you holding up?” He took a sip making a face, the harsh taste of whiskey hitting the back of his mouth. “Went too hard on the added flavoring?” You chuckled, sipping from your mug without hesitation. Donnie placed it next to his tools, his eyes had scanned you when he came over and you could see the worry.

It was safe to say you weren’t looking your best, but then again you hadn’t slept right in the last six months and the clutter of bottles in your trash bin spoke of how you’d been spending your evenings. “Miss seeing you coming around, Mikey misses you a lot” Donnie started to fix the heater, occasionally taking a sip from the spiked coffee. You held the mug tightly, it had been a few months since you stopped going mostly because you always found yourself stepping into his room...

-Don’t think about it-

“How’s everyone?” You asked avoiding the question. Donnie’s shoulders shrugged, pulling apart pieces of your dingy old heater. “Mikey’s doing okay, he’s going on solo patrols really matured you know?” The youngest turtle had changed, there was still a spark of his mischievous ways but he had taken his duties more seriously as of late. “...and Raph?” You weren’t too sure if the subject still remained sour, the brute had a falling out with the tech genius around the time of...

“Raph stops by once in a while, for Mikey’s sake and well since Dad hasn’t been too well health wise” You hang your head, the light brown liquid in your hands still in the porcelain. Splinter was old, it was understandable, maybe you should stop by and see him.

“Splinter is strong, Don” You took a generous gulp, the burn of the whiskey dulling you. “He’s gotten older Y/N, he’s frail... I’m keeping him comfortable” He dug through tools, pushing aside things he didn’t need. You couldn’t help take in Donatello’s features, he had bulked up a little more, more definition in his arms but his eyes still spoke of the little sleep he was allowing himself. Your eyes landed on his wrist, a small piece of blue fabric wrapped around it.

Your eyes burned, so you chased it with another sip of your coffee. Rest hadn’t found you either.

“You two should make up, you need each other” Donnie sighed at your retort, he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “Getting through Raph isn’t as easy as getting through a firewall, you know how fucking stubborn he could be” He shook the heater, it tried whirring back to life but no luck. “He’s stubborn but he’ll listen even if you think he doesn’t-“ Donnie smacked the heater, hard enough something dented, hard enough for you to flinch.

“He doesn’t comprehend that we lost him too, Y/N, he wants to blame me or himself or... but no okay? He doesn’t get to act like a fucking child because it’s been half a year and it still hurts” Donnie gripped the machine, eyes shutting tightly, all you could do was remain quiet. Your chest felt too tight, you didn’t want to hear it.

Please, don’t say it.

_____________

The rain always brought an unpleasant smell. It’s probably due to how polluted this god forsaken city is. Aside from the smell of shit, there was that coppery scent in the air too and you smelt it as soon as you got to the roof via the fire escape. The guys had been chasing Leonardo and Shredder, April and you on car the others on the truck. This solo vendetta of Leo’s had gone too far and while he had tracked down the bastard it didn’t mean he had to take this on by himself.

The rain fell in hard drops, each resonating as it smacked down onto you. You looked about the roof trying to spot anything, the calm too eerie. The blood almost swam by you, meeting your sneakers, a proverbial map to your destination.

And what a awaited you...

There was no feasible way to prepare yourself, even the small prayer you whispered under your breath not enough to silence the gut wrenching dread that befell you alongside the rain. Your knees hit the pavement hard and you couldn’t seem to see clearly enough where to press down and hold the life slipping out of him.

It’s all mute from there, you remember the sobs mixed into his name. The slow way his eyelids fluttered and the shallow breaths he took, he wanted to move so badly to hold you close and tell you it’s alright. The part of his mind crashing, slowly but surely losing light just saw the image of you as a comforting sign.

That while he laid there feeling darkness overtake him, he’d at least have the image of you above him. You begged nevertheless, telling him to remain awake that the others would be there soon, even going so far as to try and move his heavy frame but you were too small and Leo would simply just not budge. Trembling hands pushed on Raphael’s name, something akin to ‘hurry’ escaping your mouth but your shaking hands couldn’t hold the phone long enough before more blood gushed out and you tried to hold it all in for Leo.

His hand landed on your cheek, thumb caressing the spot.

“I.. I’m s-sorry” He heaved out, hand slipping, blue eyes suddenly too dark.

He wasn’t breathing.

Leo wasn’t breathing.

_____________

You felt hands on your shoulder before you snapped out of that terrible memory. Donatello’s concerned gaze on you.

“Y/N? Hey, are you okay?” You couldn’t quite catch the image of Donnie, he was distorted as your eyes welled up with tears and you fought back the urge to let them drop. Because for six months you had been crying your eyes out for him, for six months you had not known the word peace, for six months you had stared at a window that yielded no end to your pain. In one manic night you had thrown up your comforter and nailed the damn thing over that fucking window, you had contemplated tearing up the carpets that had so many specks of Leo’s blood, you had tried to quiet the urge to burn your bedroom because every corner of it had some essence of him in or on it.

Some days you were so furious that he had done this. That he had died for a cause that would go unmerited, leaving his friends, his family and you to hold on to unamended pieces.

That very night he had been taken back to the lair, each brother having a moment with him, April as well. You were given one last moment with him, to be around him, to hold his impossibly cold hand.

At some point Splinter had stepped in and sat down next to you, his hand came to rest on your shoulder. It had to be admired, even if his eyes spoke that his world was crashing before him, he remained the rock that protected against the crashing waves.

“He loved you... with everything he had” Splinter had said and while there was comfort in there, the pain was far too great. You don’t remember stepping out let alone getting up, in fact most of that night had been a blur. At some point Raphael had supposedly picked you up and laid you down on the cot April used when she stayed over. Somewhere between that you had stumbled to Leo’s room and you had stayed there for a week.

That week had turned into a month.

For thirty days you stayed among his things, among his scent, on a bed you had been countless times on in countless ways. In the misery of it all there was comfort there, even if each night you dreamt of him, even if you swore that at times you heard your name being called by him. It was worse when you woke startled feeling as if he had ran his hand down your hip.

Around the end of that first month Mikey had stepped in with some food (much like he had done everyday) but this time he had placed it on the the night table and climbed into the bed with you.

He was crying.

You both held onto each other, anchoring one another to remain in the tough currents because this storm wouldn’t go away anytime soon.

You give Mikey credit for pulling you out of that room, even if you left a good chunk of your heart there, the other portions on that forsaken rooftop, the rest with Leo. You hadn’t been to the lair every since.

Donnie cupped your face, thumbs drying the tear tracks on your cheeks. “I’m sorry” You spoke out, not really sure why but all Donnie did was pull you close and hug you and you’re sure you haven’t hugged him in six months and while his scent is nowhere near that of Leo’s and his body lean muscle the contrast of his eldest brother, you still fell apart against the familiarity of it.

You sobbed against him quietly, dropping your mug, the shattering not jarring enough to bring you or him back.

And why come back to the present? To a cold home? To a place where Leo only existed in memories and lucid dreams?

Donnie held you close, his own tears falling and whatever fortress he had built up in this time had shattered like glass.

Leonardo was dead and there was simply nothing the two of you could do.

[pynkhues]

Hey Sophie,

Are you still planning on posting TFU this weekend? I keep rereading the entire Center & Circumference series.

Hi, anons! None of you are a bother or annoying at all, haha. I'm really sorry I've been a bit hopeless. It's just been another one of those weeks in lockdown (Day 213 here in Melbourne!) where it feels like I'm wading through treacle. It's made editing a bit more challenging than I was hoping, especially after having a great few days last week where I was writing a lot.

Fingers crossed I'll post it really soon (it is close!) but I'm reluctant to give a timeframe now just because I've missed like, every single one I've promised, haha.

I hope maybe this little excerpt helps tide you over?

-

“How’s the ex?”

“A’ight,” Rio replies easily, grabbing a sliver of torn gift wrap off the floor, feeling the smooth surface of it with his thumb, before flopping down onto the other end of the couch. “When you seein’ yours?”

The paper’s somethin’ Elizabeth picked out – a green forest of pine trees and tiny, reflective, gold-foiled stars. She’d bought thick red ribbon to tie around the middles, and dotted the bows on each with glitter glue, a precision and steadiness to her hands that he hadn’t been able to stop starin’ at. It had been important to her, that’s all, that these presents from Santa looked different to the ones from them, and he knew it was less about keepin’ the secret (hell, Kenny and Danny both knew well enough that Santa didn’t so much squeeze down the chimney as stuff stockings between bed times), but more about tryna wield some sort of magic on the day.

The trick not in the deceit, but in the effort.

He twists the paper between his fingers, feels the shiny lick of tape, folded over and stuck back underneath, as Annie hums beside him.

“Mmm, Ben’s doing a whole breakfast thing with him and his grams and pop-pop, so he’s gonna text me after they’ve eaten their body weight in Christmas crepes. Mother Greggles does a whole thing with eggnog and cheese and stuff, not gonna lie, could go for a plate right now.”

She says it like she ain’t just had thirds of Elizabeth’s Festive French toast, shit, she’d practically stolen half the praline off Jane and Emma’s plates. Not that Rio blames her for that exactly – he can still taste the butter, sweetened with cinnamon and brown sugar on the back of his teeth – but it ain’t like there’s any food shortage today. He sucks on his lower lip, the smell of the turkey weeping already through the hall.

Somewhere upstairs, he hears Elizabeth laugh again.

He folds the slip of paper in half, unfolds it.

Rocks his already stiff jaw.

“That work?”

“What?”

“Splittin’ the day with your ex.”

He regrets it as soon as he’s said it – can feel it without lookin’ at her, the way Annie practically fuckin’ levitates with delight at the question, and he casts her a dark look before she gets it in her head that he’s askin’ her for advice, because he ain’t, and Annie quickly holds up her hands in surrender.

The smile don’t dim though.

All fuckin’ teeth.

Wriggling back into the couch cushions, Annie crosses her legs, turns sideways to better face him, and then she shrugs, her fuzzy pink sweater raisin’ with the movement until a thread catches in the jangling end of one of her Christmas tree earrings.

“I mean, it’s always weird knowing your kid doesn’t get to be all yours, but you know that already. You’ve got like – an airport lounge worth of suitcase kids.”

Rio snorts at that, folds the paper diagonally this time, wonders if he trained his ear well enough he might hear Marcus on FaceTime with his mom, but he doubts it somehow. Doubts he can hear anything but fuckin’ Dean, tinny and reedy through Elizabeth’s laptop speakers.

“There are perks though,” Annie adds suddenly, and when he looks over at her, she’s disentangling her earring from her sweater, silver glitter nail polish catchin’ the light, and there must be a look on his face, coz she just laughs.

“Let’s just say Greggles and me had our issues, and grams and pop-pop were two of them.”

She winces suddenly, her lobe pulled, then quickly grins as she gets the earring free, even if a tiny thread of pink cotton now hangs jagged from the end. She flails her now unoccupied hand, and Rio’s briefly distracted by how fuckin’ small it is – then distracted even more by the thought of Elizabeth’s own one, curled around the back of his neck in the brief moments this day had just been for them.

“Never having to like, sit at a table with them again while they tell whoever’s around about how I ruined their son’s life is definitely a perk. They love Ben, but the way they tell it, I got myself pregnant and Greg was going to be a doctor, not a pharma bro. Like he didn’t have to copy Mandy Cohen’s chem homework every week.”

Rio snorts, unfolds the slip of paper.

“But! That’s the point, right? They’re Ben’s family and he should see them, but luckily for me, they’re not mine anymore,” she pauses then, rolls her eyes a little at herself, her tone growin’ an edge as she adds: “If they ever were, I guess.”

He turns her words over in his head, tries to place them, or - - shit. Not place ‘em. Try to place that strange twist in his belly in them, but he can’t. Not when he can hear Kenny’s voice now, sayin’ something about hockey tickets, can hear Jane chime in and then Elizabeth, her voice light in that way he knows she don’t mean, but Dean doesn’t know it. Can’t if the way his nasal laugh echoes is anything to go by, and Rio pulls his gaze from Annie’s newly disgusted face (guess she can hear them too) and back to the tree. The lights are still switched on, twinklin’ a little, but it’s hard to see in the daytime, the room too bright from the winter sun, the air almost white with the dusting of snow outside.

His gaze skirts lower still, and it ain’t like he doesn’t know they’re there, but still – his attention fixes on the presents for Dean, the kids’ messy handwriting scribbled onto tags, and the bows too big because Emma had cut off too much ribbon, and he wets his lips as he moves his focus sideways, sees the present for Judith leaning heavy against the one for his own mother, and it ain’t nothin’.

It ain’t, but shit, he can’t help it.

He crush of wrapping paper into a tight, ugly little ball, and he tosses it, watches it hit the coffee table, roll until it hits the side of Elizabeth’s forgotten coffee mug.

His bruised knuckles throb.

[orangesalamander-but-studying]

Tips on motivation

(from a mostly dysfunctional student with mental illness)

Disclaimer: This may not be applicable for everyone and the only qualification i have is “rando that miraculously did well at school” so here ya go:

(If you’re reading this on a bad day, and you feel like you don’t even want to get out of bed today, let alone study, scroll to the end)

Get a notebook. Write down every detail of the life you want to live- i mean everything. Look at this list as often as necessary. Adjust your life in order to get what you want. Let your dreams motivate you. (Admittedly, this doesn’t work very well for me for too long, but if it works for you that’s fantabulous!)

Romanticize the shit out of the idea of studying. Pretend you’re a scholar at a prestigious university, light candles, dress like an academic, get yourself some iced coffee and put on a dark academia playlist. Make studying poetic! (Personally, i make EVERYTHING poetic coz life can be dull and depressing enough as it is)

Get out of your sweats and into a killer outfit. I love to put on a pair of jeans or a cute dress with high heels and then walk around my room telling myself i’m an intelligent, powerful, badass bitch (or empress, depending on the mood) and that a couple of pages with words on them ain’t got nothing on me! Definitely puts my intrusive thoughts in their place because excuse me, i’m the one in a killer outfit and the voice is just a hater.

Make a game out of it. I use the app Forest to grow trees and its friggin great when you work to collect enough coins to unlock a new species- let the little things motivate you, don’t look at the big picture if it overwhelms you. My anxiety and depression sometimes make it difficult for me to take myself seriously so making it a game helps me forget the stakes and focus on getting through the hour. 

Choose a reward for the end of the week and hype it tf up, imagine the scrumptious feeling of delayed gratification that you’ll experience if you study now and watch that movie/ read that book/ eat that cake/ go on that friend date later, stress free coz you have your life together. I understand this may be difficult when you’re going through a depressive episode, but try to focus on the feel good feelings you’ll have later.

Start a studyblr and let the aesthetic motivate you. You don’t need fancy stationery or perfect handwriting or super neat notes- be imperfectly yourself and use the studyblr to motivate yourself and track your progress.

Sometimes i sit at my desk for hours and get nothing done. That’s okay! Activate caveman brain and take your studying to someplace else, even just to you bedroom floor. This helps my ADHD brain by keeping things exciting and different.

Start a bullet journal and plan everything- structure your life, break down huge intimidating tasks into ridiculously baby steps (eg. take out book, write date etc). Sometimes my anxiety refuses to let me study because it makes monsters out of tasks.

If the very thought of getting out of bed is draining that day, don’t think about studying, don’t let yourself make you feel bad. On the bad days, everything is an act of indescribable strength on your part. Acknowledge that. Acknowledge that its difficult, acknowledge your strength, And then think about the next minute- forget the rest of the day, the rest of the day does not exist. All you need to do today is get out of bed. And then all you have to do is brush your teeth. Then just drinking water is your goal for the day, then just doing something that makes you happy, then just eating something, and if you feel up to it, just do ten minutes of an assignment, then because you’re a warrior, do just another ten. And at the end of the day pat yourself on the back, be unashamedly proud of yourself for whatever task you were able to complete, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Then tell yourself that when you’ll do it again tomorrow, it will get easier. 

Mental illness is really, really hard. And it may not happen immediately, or even in a few weeks, or a few months, and you may not notice it happening but i promise you, one day you’ll smile and you’ll surprise yourself and you’ll realize you’re coping. You’ve made it this far and you’ll continue to do so.

I’m so proud of you all.

[killuababie]

SIS IM IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING MY REQS FOR TODAY, BUT I GOT BORED AND WANTED TO REQ SMTH FROM MY FAVE MUTUAL (don’t tell the others i said that)!! CAN I GET HCS ANY HQ TEAMS U WANT WITH A BRITISH MANAGER WHO SWEARS A LOT? COZ THATS ME ISTG- 😤💖💖

Cursing like a sailor

Summary: Manager!Reader who curses a lot.

Pairing: Inarizaki x Manager!Reader, Aoba Josai x Manager!Reader.

Type: Platonic Headcanons.

A/N: AHHH ILYSM AND DW I WON'T EXPOSE YOU 😳 BTW IM SO SORRY FOR FINISHING THIS SO LATE :( also cursing a string of words is such a big fat mood that's deadass the best thing ever.

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INARIZAKI:

You're their first manager, hence they're HYPED! Also the fact you're a foreigner, a British person they're like aHH GO CRAZY GO STUPID, well Atsumu to be very specific.

At first everyone is so nice and welcoming towards you. Esp Aran, he's your best boy and you're absolutely whipped for him, also y'all give hugs every day. Kita is extra careful towards you and would definitely ask you about your culture. Osamu would love to make traditional food related to your culture. Suna is whipped but he's waiting for that one moment so he could record some spicy stuff like atsumu getting his ass beat by you

Atsumu being the bitch he is, is always up your ass and you, istg you try so hard to be so nice to him.

One day he's trying to impress you since you stepped into the school. He was DEDICATED he's actually desperate to get a compliment from you.

You being their manager to the court room and he's trying to impress you with his serve but it hits you in the face instead you deadass just yeet and fall. Rip y/n-chan 2k20

HES SCARED. Scared is an understatement. Everyone is almost about to murder him and yeet his ass into the 8th dimension

But he's TERRIFIED when he sees you get up and look dead in the eyes as blood drips down your nostril

At this point he's screaming.

Atsumu: OH MY GOD Y/N IM- EYE

You: Atsumu, you pisshead dickface motherfucker if you don't fucking stop pulling your shitty shenanigans on me, I'll rip off your filthy shiteating useless head off and play volleyball with it 🥰🥰

Nah they're ALL terrified of you now. Atsumu's soul has left his body and he's paper white pale.

Suna is concerned about you but he's THRIVING recording the shit go down. Man's got priorities 😔

Aran and Kita being the sweet babies go to you and take you to the infirmary. Osamu definitely whips a new one into Atsumu.

And since then they haven't got enough of your cursing. They definitely didn't develop a kink for it

AOBA JOSAI:

Being their manager...

I feel sorry for you because Oikawa 🥰

But the fact that you were a British person made you popular in classes but when you joined the boys vbc your popularity went 📈📈📈 and Oikawa being whipped for you was exhausting for YOU.

When you first introduced to them as their new manager, you could literally see hearts in their eyes, like deadass.

Iwaizumi was the most protective of you, while makki and Matsun coming after them. Kindaichi would get beetroot red whenever you talked to him. Kunimi being the calm one would sometimes stutter while talking with you. Yahaba and Watari drool over you. Well Kyoutani... He ain't even come so 👁️👄👁️

They warm up to you quite quickly esp Oikawa.

Being their manager is not an easy task. Being their only manager means finishing your duties, help them think of new strategies, take care of their health esp Oikawa because bih he works way too much and then the hardest of it all... his fangirls.

Since you're new you don't really curse out loud but definitely mutter under your breath.

It's competition season and ofc being the smart person you are you haven't slept in 2 days. You could feel it in depths of your asshole that you're gonna break your cursing wall today.

Ofc the moment you step out the bus y'all are gathering attention and you quite soon lose the sight of Oikawa. Unfortunately, Iwa-chan has to ask you fetch him.

HE HAS TO BE SURROUNDED BY HIS FANGIRLS AND IGNORE YOUR CALLS- hol on lemme pray for oikawa

You deadass drilling holes into his back while walking up to the little group before warning the girls "now the the show is over and I need y'all to please fuck off 🥰 also Oikawa I think you have got too much shit in your ears for you to not hear my fucking calls."

You drag him to the team while cursing the living shit outta him. Man's low-key turned on tho

When he meets the team he's like "Wow y/n-chan curses more than Iwa-chan" and they're all confused.

Soon as the time passes they get the proof for themselves and Iwa is low-key shocked and he's DEFINITELY crushing on you now.

You 🤝 Iwa: planning Oikawa's murder infront of him.

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[sunlitmcgee]

A Simple Thanks

Typing this up the day before my graduation so it isn’t too rushed. It’s long, but if you’ve followed me from AO3 or just chill on my blog in general, feel free to glance under the cut and to witness my sappy rambles.

 So...me, huh? Most of you know me. Most of you probably only know me through my various endnote rants on my AO3 works. You know my thoughts on the block people, mainly. As well as perhaps very vague details about my traumas and how they’ve influenced my views of the block people story, specifically c!Tommy and all he represents. I have always tried to be vague in those rambles. For privacy reasons, mainly. But also just coz I know that I don’t owe you guys anything more than what’s written in my silly little fics and the triggers in the notes on the top.

 But, as I’m sure a few of you have noticed, I am actually gonna be graduating from high school soon. Tomorrow, to be precise! Crazy, ain’t it? Bet at least a few of you are surprised to know that the guy behind those feelsy fluffy stories is barely an Adult TM.

Or maybe you aren’t surprised. IDK.

Adult. I am an adult. I was not an adult when I first started on my fics. When I started on Heal What Has Been Hurt, I was still not yet an adult. I have become an adult over the course of me writing the story, as well as others like it, but even still, I am only just now taking that government-mandated right of passage into proper independant adulthood. I ain’t a kid anymore! And boy, that’s fucking terrifying.

I’ve grown a lot, since I found the Dream SMP.

I’ve learned a lot about myself. About my traumas. About my past relationships. Both through the canon source material, and through the hours and hours and hours spent tip tapping away on my phone or keyboard as I poured a bit of my soul out into a Google Doc and sent it off for the world to see.

I haven’t been shy about how bitter I am towards DSMP canon. You all know my thoughts. CCs cut the shit and treat the abuse plotline with respect, c!emerald duo die in a hole, c!beeduo be nice to the boyo again or so help me I’mma disown yo asses, etc, etc...

But...despite all of that...I am genuinely so happy that I discovered this story. That I met these characters. That I got to see them, know them, watch them struggle and fall utterly in love with everything they had to say. C!Benchtrio are my darlings forever. And no amount of horrible writing can ever take that away from me. And no amount of horrible writing will ever stop me from loving them enough to write them over and over in my own stories, whether it be in something long running like HWHBH, or shorter one shots where I just get to have them there As I Fell In Love With Them, and hopefully in such a way to where you all can still Be In Love With Them, regardless of canon or ccs being stupid.

I’m glad I am in this fandom. I am never going to leave. I am never going to stop writing, for myself firstly, and for all you lovely people secondly. 

Even if I get busy with adult things.

Even if I get worn out and need to take breaks.

Even if I cry about lore every time I think of it to the point where I get a headache, I will NEVER give up on the DSMP as a whole. Nor will I stop writing for it. Nor will I stop loving what it meant before the ccs gave up.

And it’s gonna sound cheesy, i know. But were it not for all of your kind words of support, I doubt I’d ever have stuck with this story for as long as I have, nor that I would’ve ever come to love making stories of my own like I did long before my own exile.

And for that, I simple say, “Thank you. For being quite pog.”

But yeah. That’s all. I’mma go stand in a football field in a stupid robe now. Wish me luck, yall! :D

[aphrodite1288]

What has to do with not liking the spotlight with promotion. Ks is an artist and knows he needs it. his acting career is a success because is not under sm and he is well promoted. Jsung said that sm is scary, a director wanted him to sing an ost, but sm was against it. stop licking sm's ass and making excuses for mistreatment of ks.

Bitch go check my blog first before barking like a thirsty stray dog. I shit on sM 25/8 in this blog. Wtf 😒 if you just checked the last 5 answers of the asks, you would see me trashing over SM for two days now.

It's not like sm pays me or anything. I say what's logical and what's known.

SM is shitty yes but sometimes we gotta stop being hopeless, delusional and blame SM for everything just to make excuses for our lazy asses who don't do our job as we should and complain about the shitty management of the Band! If we wanted we could make Exo chart good and win in music shows and get nominated in awards shows and make them chart high in spotify and enter Billboard 100 and make their 100M views in the first two days and work on digitals as Exo are the weakest digital artists in the industry despite their greatest talents and despite them being the BEST VOCALISTS in the industry Yet they're the weakest in digitals amd digitals sales amd charting, even smaller artists and rookie soloist and unknown singers chart for months and exo can't stay I'm a chart more the 2 hours before dropping to 199th position after 3 days of release etc.. should we blame SM on that too?? Girl that's been happening since 2016! ExoL sabotaged Exo waaay before SM.

But we choose to always cry and blame SM for the downgrade Exo is experiencing these past three years as when Exol started shitting on SM and crying and saying SM sabotaged Exo by not restocking their Album and Ji's album! But It's ACTUALLY Exols fault who didn't pre-order as much 🤦🏻‍♀️ so SM and all companies base their album stocking and printing upon the number of pre-orders. Coz SM ain't a printing company they work with printing companies who decided how much to print based on preorders!!!!

Exol don't pre-order in the first week when they should, until after the details are out then they all go running and blocking the site to order at the very last minute of the deadline and Cry after that blaming it on sM by Not restocking albums. And it happened with Love shot Album and Obsession ( that's why we didn't make the 6tuple million seller two year ago) and now with Ji and DFTF Albums.

I'm being fair when it's SM to blame I do it and when it's someone else to blame I do it.

Go blame SM for the low views and the weak charting of Exo albums and songs and their solo songs and collaborations Go blame everything on the company.

Sechan and Jongdae, Suho made amazing albums and Ji too they worked their asses of for months, they wrote and composed and sang and recorded and put all their emotions and hard work into their albums, yet they never charted never won an award on their solo projects never had strong DIGITALS nor good views not even billboard 200 charting.

I bet you don't even know anything about Suho's album or any song of his or Sechan's or yixing's or CBX's . Y'all don't care unless it's your bias.

Yes SM is shitty and i wish it burns down one day but We too Exol.are lazy assholes who don't stream or vote to lay off our idols' hardwork.

ExoL sabotaged Exo years before SM did.

[alchemic-elric]

He can’t leave the house but that’s fine. He doesn’t really have much of a need to go anywhere today anyway and all the shopping that needs to be done was done far in advance for this day. It’s not like any of this should be surprise. Not like last year. Not like the year before when he had to sneak into his Commanding Officer - soon-to-be-father’s apartment just so he could cook all day. 

He��s much more prepared this year. Gnocchi takes a while to make after all and no one flinches about seeing him take over the entire kitchen for a day or so. No one ever flinches. 

There were cinnamon roll pancakes for breakfast. He saw how much of a hit they were the last time he made them and he very vividly remembered someone requesting them for his birthday. That was a request he could absolutely fill and he did.  There was a fresh quiche made and sent off with that same someone for lunch.  He could eat the rest of it when he came home if he wanted or continue taking it to work for lunch. He knew Papa wouldn’t take his birthday off. Fox was working him to the bone and no one ever wanted to listen to that asshole yell and boy could he yell.

 It was like he was gunning for them or something. 

Now that he was out of the house they could act.  He needed to top Father’s day and last year. He always went big when it came to birthdays so this was going to be a task. He’d need to wait for Papa to come home and when he did he would ... tell him. He would tell him what he did and hopefully it would all go over well. 

Hopefully. 

He needed to work quick though because he knew full well that if Papa could take a half day he would... and honestly the probability of him doing so was high. So there was no surprise when Papa came home shortly after lunch.  He’d just tell him now, he supposed. 

“Hey Birthday Boy, Happy birthday Papa!” 

Is the greeting them  he comes through the door, a smile stretching out on his face.  “I’m makin’ Gnocchi t’night. You knew I would, a’course I would. I didn’t bake ya a cake ‘er a pie though. There’s a fresh batch’a cinnamon rolls jus’ fer you.” 

His face shifts, eyes to the floor, and then back up again. He’s coming to greet him. Arms extended and his father is getting a tight squeeze before he releases him. 

“Okay so... hey. I spent a lotta time tryin’ ta think ‘bout what ta git you fer yer birthday ta top last year n’ quite frankly I came up flat. I wanted whatever it was ta be big n’ fer it ta make ya happy. Sum’hin’ you’d really git excited ‘bout... so I ....” 

“I talked shit out with Al n’ ‘e went with m’ ta the doctor the other day when you were at work. I ain’t had an attack in at least a month, n’ it’s only been little things that I’ve been writin’ down. Burnell said I gained back all the weight I lost n’ ‘e said m’lungs still sound weak but they’re better than they were. He said ‘m improvin’. Al’s been helpin’  me do light trainin’ while yer a work so I c’n git m’stamina back. I let’im set the pace, we both know how I am.   

Burnell said m’blood pressure leveled back out too. So I mean, I didn’t git ya nu’hin’ ‘coz I spaced the fuck out n’ couldn’t think a’nuthin’ better than last year but I just wanted ya ta know that... I’m not dyin’ ‘er nu’hin’. I ev’n let’em take m’labs without a fuss. ‘e said ‘e’d call the house in a few days with the results. So any day now.  I love you, Papa. I jus’ wanted ta take one thing off yer plate n’ if worryin’ ‘bout m’ could b’ that thing.... 

I jus’  - I love you.  Sorry it’s such a lame thing this year, but Happy Birthday @flameleads​. “