#couldnt keep this to myself because I know someone else out there is gonna giggle too

[eeblouissant]

your honour, she might be a cat

[shhh-no-ones-home]

heavy cross to bear* matt Murdock x reader

+++++++++ Request @juniebugg: reader and Matt are in a very serious relationship (could be married) but then when reader actually sees Elektra, whom she already knew about but has never seen because she was "dead," she gets really insecure and tells matt that he deserves better or something and he reassures her. Angst and smut"

hopefully its not too ooc this is my first MM smut so i hope you like! and thanks again for the request!!

* - you asked for smut and that really is all this is lol, little bit of story. 

Song: wasted time by skid row

tag list: @cynic-spirit @juniebugg

+++++++++

i sat at the table sipping coffee and thinking. it was almost nine at night and i knew i should be getting ready for bed but my body wasn't quite ready to move yet. when matt disappeared into our bedroom i figured he'd be changing into daredevil for the millionth time but when he emerged in his pajamas i was a little surprised. and then it hit me. maybe he knew. hell, he always knew.

but maybe it was just that something was off, that i needed him to say it again, to stay with me and make sure i knew. but then there was her. she had showed up out of nowhere and took me off guard more than anything else up until now. one more doubt at the forefront of my mind. that i didnt believe him when he said he loved me despite being married for a year, despite having dated for three before hand, and despite everything he has done to keep me safe. because he loved her first and it felt like the biggest lie ive ever been told. even after a couple days of sitting on it and hoping it would go away. still it was there. in the back of my mind:

"matt i dont know if i can do this anymore."

his head tilted to the side and he looked confused.

"do what?"

he asked almost worried, moving slowly to the table and sitting.

"this, us. i just- you deserve so much more, so much better than- well, than me."

he was quick to scoot his chair closer to my own, his hand coming to rest on mine.

"hey, dont even say that. what would make you think i would want anyone but you?"

now he absolutely sounded worried.

"i saw her matt."

"saw who?"

i shook my head.

"that woman, your ex. you said she was gone."

"elektra?"

he sounded a little broken.

"shes something else ill give her that much. i see why you like her."

he swallowed hard.

"elektra is dead."

i shook my head.

"then why was she here? looking for you. saying your name with such... god i dont even know how to explain it. matthew."

i repeated it exactly as she had said it and it felt wrong. like i was acting. saying someone elses emotions and intentions. they were no longer mine. or at least it seemed like it. There was a long silence and I just stared at him.

"She was here?"

There was hope in his voice and I figured that was it. It made me angrier than it probably should've and my only response was to stand and walk away. I got half way across the living room before he caught my arm.

"Y/n, that doesn't matter. I-"

He swallowed hard and I tried to study his face.

"You mean more to me than anything. Yes I love, loved, her but I married you. I chose you. I want nothing more than to be with you. For better or for worse remember?"

He bargained and I sighed heavily.

"How can I be sure you mean that? What if she comes back? again."

He shook his head, taking both my hands in his and stepping closer to me.

"Let me prove it to you. If she really is back then it doesn't matter. I'm with you, I love you, and I'll always chose you."

I closed my eyes, feeling him get closer and closer until his forehead was against my own.

"We belong together."

He whispered before kissing me gently.

"I only want you."

He kept just as quiet, kissing next to my mouth once, then twice, making his way across my cheek and to my jaw.

"Matt."

I breathed out and he paused. I licked my lips lightly before opening my eyes and looking at him. He really did seem like he meant it. He was trying so hard to keep it together.

"I can't lose you."

He sounded so broken.

"Do it."

He drew his brows and I brought my hand up to touch his face gently. We were still so close I could feel his breath fanning my neck.

"Show me you mean it."

I said softly and his Expression changed.

"I love you so much."

He said before kissing me harshly, releasing my hands and pressing his fingertips into my hips. I hummed against him as he walked us backwards. We stumbled along as he pulled my shirt up, tossing it to the floor.

"Matt."

I moaned, pulling his shirt up next. It was gone in a second and he was back, kissing me and moving quickly to get my pants down. His hands roamed my body just as much as mine roamed his. I traced my fingers slowly up his torso, grazing over his scars before wrapping my arms around his neck. I gasped when he picked me up. There was a soft laugh that escaped him and I was relieved to see him smile even if it was just a second. He knew it would take some convincing and he was right. I needed to know he meant it. That Elektra wasn't gonna be a problem.

"I need you."

He whispered again, laying me gently on the bed and situating himself between my legs.

"I need you to know how much I mean it."

He kissed my jaw slowly, then down my neck and across my collar bone.

"Prove it."

I challenged, my breath hitching in my throat as he ripped my bra open from the front, his lips grazing my nipple before taking it into his mouth. He hummed against me, his finger tips down my torso and into my panties.

"Matt."

I moaned, dropping my head back as he ran his finger up me and against my clit. i closed my eyes, pushing my head back into the bed as he stroked me, kissing his way back up to my exposed neck.

"i love you."

he repeated against the heat of my skin. when he resituated i could feel how hard he was already.

"i need you."

i breathed out, pressing my hips up into him as he continued to finger me.

"matt."

i whined, him removing his hand long enough to pull my panties down. i looked up to him with lust blown eyes, watching him intently as he got rid of his boxers.

"youre still okay with this?"

he asked and i nodded quickly, pulling his face to mine and kissing him deeply.

"please."

i moaned, inhaling deeply before he kissed me again, pushing his hips into mine. my breath caught in my throat as he pushed all the way into me, catching my bottom lip between his teeth as my mouth hung open.

"i wanna hear you."

he said softly.

"feel you."

he moaned against my shoulder, dropping his head to the crook of my neck as he placed his large palm over my heart. it was already banging at my rib cage begging to be let out but i could have swore it did when he started moving. he pulled out of me slowly before slamming back into me and i moaned so loudly i was surprised at myself. and then he did it again and again, getting a good rhythm. it was long, and hard. nothing like our nights prior, even on his worst of days when he's frustrated and in need of release. no this was different. purposeful.

"matt."

i held onto him for dear life, pressing my fingertips into his shoulder blades as he continued to pound into me in long drawn out strokes.

"tell me. tell me what you want."

he grunted out, trying to sound as steady as possible.

"i want you. god i only want you!"

i cried out as he thrusted upward harshly. then he did it again and i saw stars, my mouth falling open as i moaned.

"thats my girl."

he praised, trailing his hand down my torso and pressing his finger in circles against my clit.

"youre almost there."

he coaxed, building me up. i could feel the tightness building, pressing my hips up to meet him as he kept his pace.

"im so close."

i panted, pressing my finger tips harder into his bicep as i gripped onto him.

"do it, do it for me, let go."

he said softly and i snapped. my orgasm racked through my body and my vision went blurry. i was breathing hard as he rode out my high, still chasing his own.

"im almost there."

he said, squeezing his eyes shut. he moved to pull out but i wrapped my legs tightly around his waist.

"y/n?"

he asked surprised and i leaned up to kiss him.

"just do it."

i said, pressing a hard kiss to his neck. he kept going, knuckles going white against the bedsheets as he came in me with a loud groan.

"oh my god."

he panted, slowing his thrusts.

"i love you oh my god."

he said, dropping to his forearms, trying not to put his full weight on top of me. my legs were still wrapped tightly around his torso as we both calmed down.

"i love you too matty."

i said softly, feeling him nuzzle his nose against my neck. it made me giggle a little bit and i could feel him smiling against my skin before kissing it gently.

"you have no idea how relieved i am to hear that. youre the only one for me. always will be."

i sighed softly in content, kissing his forehead and dropping my legs.

"im sorry i doubted you. i just. i need a reminder every once in a while i guess."

he kissed my chest before pulling out of me and dropping to the bed beside me.

"i will give you as many reminders as you need, as long as we both shall live."

he said, taking my hand in his and kissing the back of it.

"thank you matt. thank you for everything. especially knocking some sense into me."

he raised a brow, a half smirk on his face and i immediately wondered what was going through that mind of his.

"after tonight sense might not be the only thing i knocked into you."

i couldnt help but laugh, him matching it as i rolled onto his chest.

"i know you want nothing more than to tell the father we're finally starting that catholic family with lots and lots of beautiful babies but i still have my iud."

he let out a short laugh sigh before i kissed him quickly.

"but that doesnt mean i couldnt be persuaded into getting it taken out."

he raised an intrigued brow.

"oh?"

i laughed lightly.

"ill think about it. right now i just wanna live in this moment with you."

i said the last bit through a yawn, resting my head against his chest and hearing his heartbeat.

"i love you."

he whispered, earning a hum from me as i dozed off.

[orangeyougladitsbondage]

Our first scene...

I had met her through some friends and we hit it off instantly. She was so beautiful and I couldn't help but get lost in her eyes as we talked. This talking led to an exchange of phone numbers and the first text from her later that night. The text was nothing special just a simple "Hi this is Megan, really glad to have met you today". I responded that I was glad to have met her too and then we fell into a rhythm of talking via text every few days.

Then one night that texting turned into a phone call and a sly joke about being tied up with work led to an interesting conversation. Megan told me she had always had an interest in kink but was always scared to bring it up with her previous partners. I told her I had slight experience being a Dom but that I was a switch meaning I play both sides of the dynamic. Megan seemed extremely curious and we decided to do a dinner date that Friday.

That day seemed to take forever, I mean don't they always? You get excited for something and then it seems the thing before that event takes forever? You could just sit there and stare at the clock but that just makes time freeze. So I tried to focus on work but it was harder than it should've been to do so. But finally it was time to leave work and I rushed home to get ready.

A quick shower to freshen up, brushing my teeth and then picking out what to wear. I decided on a nice button up with a vest, not too fancy but also not under dressed. My phone went off it was Megan "Hope you aren't planning to skip out on our date now, not gonna get cold feet with it being only an hour away are you?". I responded "Definitely not a chance of that happening, see you soon".

The ride to the restaurant I just played some music that keeps me calm. Dating with anxiety can be hard because the anxiety triggers my overthinking and only leads to bad things. Well not exactly bad things it just leads to me overthinking how things could play out and being scared to do them. So I played a Playlist I made that keeps those thoughts at bay. And before I knew it I had arrived at the restaurant. Now the one thing I've learned is it's always best to be early even if your date isn't just shows what you are there for is important.

Time again slowed as I waited for Megan to arrive. Car after car pulling in and the thoughts of did she get cold feet begin to sink in. Overthinking sucks so much I wish I could get rid of that part of me but alas I can not. Finally I see her walking towards me and it must've put a doofy smile on my face because she just laughed and said "what?". I just said "I am glad you made it" as I opened the door to the restaurant and followed Megan inside. I told the maitre d the name on the reservation for two and they sat us at our table.

A drink and some food later and the conversation finely made its way to kink. I asked Megan what her interests were. She admitted she really liked the bondage aspect, seeing people helpless but smiling. She also really liked the different gags but she had never tried any. I asked Megan if she had any experience with impact play and she told me she had been spanked before but not much else but that she would love to try more. I asked if she had any experience with being submissive or dominant in her past relationships. Megan stated she always seemed to take the submissive role in her eyes but that both roles interest her.

The conversation went back to normal from there just talking about our days and plans for the coming week. The check came and I paid for the meal while Megan covered the tip. I walked her to her car and wished her a safe drive home and I left smiling the entire walk to my car. But that was where our conversation stopped until later that week anyway. Wednesday I get a text that says "so I really enjoyed dinner and our talk and I'd like to explore things further with you".

Now this had me blushing at work do I asked when Megan had free time and we could set something up. Megan told me her weekend was free and I asked about her Friday night. She was free so we decided we would do another date Friday night and if she still wanted to she could follow me home and we could have a scene. But before we do that we had to discuss limits and how we wanted to scene to play out.

So via text we discussed how Megan would like our scene to play out. She said she would like to be bound and I told her I had some cuffs that can help with that as well as some hooks in the ceiling that they can be attached to. She also stated she would like to try some impact play but nothing too crazy this time. I said never anything too crazy your limits determine what we do and how long we do it. I asked if she wanted to try using a gag and she quickly replied yes and I said ok and listed the options I had.

I have a ball gag, a ring gag, bondage tape and well a clothes pin. Megan decided on the ball gag which is always a lovely choice in my opinion but you'll hear more on why soon enough. And then we discussed safewords and signals for when she was gagged. The safewords chosen were the traditional red, yellow, green and for the signal we went with her opening and closing her fist multiple times. I advised we would do a test run before we got into the scene just to make sure we were both on the same page.

The next two days of work went by like a snail and I don't think that is at all surprising. But as the time began to tick down Friday the excitement in me built. Again I drove home and freshened up this time just wearing a button up and the drove to the restaurant for date number two with Megan. Now I know only two dates and you're thinking me and Megan are about to have sex. And to some that may be the point of bondage or bdsm sure but not to me. And if you think back no where in our scene discussion was sex mentioned so that was not on the table for me at all.

So I arrived at the restaurant and this time me being dressed down a bit but Megan did not. Megan arrived in a lovely purple dress that hugged her curves in all the right ways. My gosh I couldn't help but freeze as she got closer and just take in the beauty in front of me. All I could say was wow as I opened the door and followed her in. We ate and as we did I made sure to tell Megan not to rush herself we have all night ahead of us and rushing to eat won't help. I know this from experience as rushing to eat absolutely ruined a scene in which I was the submissive. Take your time let your food settle and don't worry about time I said and smiled.

I think this helped Megan relax as she slowed down and we just had a wonderful dinner and chat. One of those chats about nothing in particular but both parties enjoyed it. I couldn't believe that I was lucky enough to get a second date with her let alone the honor that would be her submission later that night. On this night no drinks were had by me I just wanted a clear head for the nights events which I think is important when I lead a scene. So finally the check came and I asked Megan if she was sure about how she wanted this night to go.

Megan smiled and said I'm very sure and she grabbed the check and quickly handed it back to the waiter with her card. Now that is a simple move but oh I definitely took it as a power move by her. She just had this smirk afterwards that drove me wild. I left the tip and said alright you can either follow me to my place or we can come pick up your car tomorrow your choice. She then decided to follow me home and I thought to myself as the drive began how lucky I was.

The drive felt like forever but it was only maybe 20mins tops. When we got to my place we went over safewords and the safe signal and made sure we were on the same page. Then I brought up aftercare because this is a extremely important piece of the puzzle. I wish I had learned this in a better way but I think our bad moments teach us to be better. Knowing what the other person needs for aftercare is extremely important. And I can say based off experience I will never do another go with the flow scene again. Because it led to me not knowing what a partner needed and them not telling me what they needed but saying I failed.

Hearing from someone you cared about that you failed because you didn't have all the information. That is the worst feeling and one I was not going to repeat with Megan. So Megan being new, she wasn't sure what her aftercare needs were but we agreed on cuddles to start and we would go from there. So I went into my room bringing out cuffs, my ball gag and a length of rope I attached the rope to one of the ceiling hooks. I then sat next to Megan and had her put her hands front of and I secured to cuffs to each wrist. "Now we can do this with your lovely dress on or we can take it off, whichever makes you more comfortable" she smiled and leaned in next to my ear. And with a whisper she said "Oh I am making you take this dress off so you can see whats underneath" and with a giggle she stood in front of me and turned around.

I stood and slowly lowered the zipper on the dress. Then slowly slid the dress down her arms and then down her body. Underneath the dress she was hiding a lovely matching purple lace set. I couldnt help be admire her ass for a moment as I let my hand slide down it. "Wow, you came dressed to impress today didn't you?" I said with a smile as I spun her around after having he step out of her dress. "Well you only get to do your first bondage experience once may as well amaze you the first time right?" She quipped with a smirk.

I giggled and agreed with her as I clipped the cuffs together. "Are you sure this is what you want?" I asked and she confirmed that she did. I walked her over to the hook and had her turn around so I could put the ball gag in her mouth. Once the gag was in place I had her turn around and connected the rope to the cuff chain. "Well look at you all helpless and oh my already drooling" I said with a smile as I wiped up some of the drool leaking down her chin just to show her. She turned a lovely shade of red on her cheeks and I could see the smile in her eyes.

I stood there for a bit just watching her lightly struggle and test the bonds that held her. Now for me I really like gags because they lead to drool which I really enjoy for many reasons. But the other thing I really enjoy about gags is the muffled talking and moans made by the wearer. So as Megan began to struggle I enjoyed watching her slowly drool more and more and the cute little sounds she was making. Watching the drool slowly cause more and more of a shine down her chest.

I went and grabbed my flogger and then turned on the TV. "Well you seem very content there, so I'll let you go about your struggle and see what's on TV." I said and giggled. Megan tried to say you're mean but all that came out was mumbles. "Awwwww you poor thing you have to speak up if you want me to understand you." I started a random show just to make it seem like I wasn't paying attention all the while I kept watching her hands for any signal that she was done or needed to stop.

A few minutes and plenty of drool down her chin later I stop watching TV and walk over to her. "Are you doing ok?" I asked and she nodded and I asked "would you like to do some impact play with this?" As I slid the flogger over her chest. She thought about it for a moment before nodding and mumbling out a "yes please". I start with a few hits watching her to gage her reaction and making sure it's not too much. "Would you like me to do more?" I ask and she nods. This process continues for the next several minutes, me continously asking if she is ok and would like more.

I stop when her butt has the same shade of red as her cheeks did. I quip with a giggle "Awww seems your underwear isn't the only matching set you have now is it?". I untie the cuffs from the rope and then take the cuffs off of her. I then unbuckle the gag and slowly massage her jaw. "Are you ok?" I ask and she says "more than ok that was amazing". I hug her and tell her how proud I am of how she did there and that she took it all so well. I then grab a cup of water and a paper towel.

I hand Megan the cup of water as I slowly clean up the drooly mess she had on her chest. Then I grab a blanket and wrap it around her shoulders. "Would you like cuddles?" I ask and she nods a yes and I lead her to my bedroom. We lay there in my bed for about the next hour and Megan actually drifted off to sleep for about 45 minutes of it. When she awoke I grabbed her a quick snack and some more water. I told her again that I was so proud of how she handled that and asked if any of it was too much. She told me that she felt it was perfect and asked if she could stay the night as it was now 11pm.

I told her that she absolutely could stay and we sat there just talking about how the scene went. She told me that she enjoyed all of it including the impact play and would love to do more in the future. Now it was the next sentence that excited me a bit. Megan turned and smirked at me and said "maybe next time you'll be the one bound and I'll get to make your cheeks match" I began to blush unable to hide the fact that I would absolutely love that and she smiled at me and then kissed my cheek. "I will take these red cheeks as a yes to that then" she said with a smirk as I cuddled her and we both drifted off to sleep.

[ohbae-me]

okay so, im about to go ham because i truly stand strong in my shoujo fantasy.

In my opinion, im pretty sure (like 89%) lucifer tells us that whenever mammon breaks off a relationship with someone, they go broke completely after. so hes had previous relationships before, as for the rest of the boys, im pretty sure lucifer has, but nothing serious, he wont let anyone in, MC is literally the only person who has pushed past his walls and seen him for more than pride. satan, 100% he has never had a relationship, levi, has had a couple of fwbs and other relationships but they always fizzle out, never lasting. asmo has never had a serious relationship, always just flings. belphie never had a serious relationship and same with beel. i truly believe MC is their first true loves, i know what youre thinking "theyve been alive for so long, theres no way someone couldnt have been special to them" but the thing is, theyre so different with MC; their entire dynamic and relationships changed with MC, MC saw them for more than their sin and got to know them to their very core, while yes the other relationships never lasted, thats not to say the boys didnt love them; but just not in the way they love MC. i believe MC to be a true love, not just a love, the difference for me is all of the boys would gladly give up chasing MC once she finds herself happy with another brother, instead of forcing them to choose yk? the "as long as youre happy, it kills me everytime i look at you smile at him, but i love you too much to let you be miserable with me" and i dont think any of them have experienced. also, with the whole "new relationship" thing, the honey moon phase, while yes every couple has it, i feel like with MC it would just, last. not to say they wouldnt have fights; ofc they would, but its different with MC, everyday the brothers would wake up and chose the option to love and fall in love all over again, speaking further on that, i dont think any of them would truly get over MC. and i mean that; (i dont think MC is going to die, obey me devs have something planned LOL, plus theyre super powerful, like the other anon said i dont think theyd be able to really function without them, even if they do "get over" mcs death at some point.) after MC dies i feel like the family dynamic wouldnt be the same, the brothers would get quieter and would never truly forget about it? and every relationship would fail because theyre not MC (you dont have to agree but i love reverse harems), like i 100% hc that after MC chooses another brother or after they die, mammon would try and try to find new flings, even after its been decades mammon finds someone whos super similar to MC, their look, personality, etc, but one wrong move and theyre out. (say MC doesnt like pickles, but the replacement for MC does, he would immediately start crying and call mc a stupid human who he shouldnt have fallen for.) anyways in conclusion, i truly dont think MC would ever die canonically in the obey me game, the devs are sneaky (love you devs), but even if they would, i really feel like they would never get truly over it. some part of me truly believes that the brothers would go back to being distant, how they were before. they would sit at the table and eat in silence, asmo would begin partying ten times harder (since we already know he uses his ego to cover up his major insecurity of people not liking him and how he feels about himself) and the brothers would become even more indugled in their sin. also, for every relationship they would have, they would just compare them to MC, and yeah but I cannot see MC dying. the other stuff about what the brothers would be like after MC dies could also be applied to when MC chooses her s/o. i think the brothers would be super fucking hurt, that was their first love, their first understanding who walked out and chose someone who wasnt them. anyways thats all, you dont have to reply i just felt like i needed to get this off of my chest, also im gonna be pretty frequent on your blog ( i love ur writing ) so im gonna call myself cake anon! have a great day! - cake anon

Hello Cake! iluuu! Thanks for this, i really love getting every ones take on these things! And there is defs a lot that i agree with here. 

I agree with the Mammon part. Out of all of the brothers, i feel he is probably the easiest to get emotionally attached in a relationship, so i see him as the one with the most previous relationships. Asmo coming in second, but his being mostly flings or poly/open relationships. I’m sure Mammon has had some serious ones as well as many flings, where Asmo’s have never been overly serious and certainly never long lasting. I’m also sure Luci has had a few, some more serious than others, but he wouldn’t get overly attached emotionally. I’m sure he’d be too busy with Diavolo since arriving, being the workaholic he is. I’m sure not many partners would be willing to deal with that level of non-commitment and emotional unavailability from him.Levi I feel like all his relationships never left that awkward early stage, and his only ‘serious’ relationships would have been strictly online, maybe a couple meetups that made him nope right out of it. Satan, again, has probably just gone on some casual dates but didn’t have much interest in actually dating rather than gaining connections. i feel like Beel is the most likely candidate to have had healthy previous relationships. He is pretty well balanced emotionally and has a good outlook on love and family values. I’m sure he’s had a few serious relationships and has dated his share of people. Belphie gives me vibes of had one or two previous serious relationships that did not end well at all and now he’s a salty sob over it lmao. 

I still don’t feel like MC is necessarily their first true love, but maybe the first different kind of love for them. MC has reached them in ways no one else has, they don’t try to change anything, they fit in well with the whole family, they understand their sins etc. I have loved a few different people in my life, and each one was such a different experience for me. The first guy i loved, i consider to be my first true love. However, it didn’t work. And then i met the man I eventually married, he wasn’t my first true love, but it was a better kind of love, yk? 

And uugghh you ripped my heart out with how the brothers would feel if MC chose a different brother!!!! Because they all would be so heartbroken it’s not them, but they really truly just want mc to be happy and cared for, and they know their brother would keep them safe and provide well. 

A few asks ago, i mentioned that the brothers would move on eventually. I think there is a big difference in moving on and getting over that I maybe didn’t articulate very well. If MC were to die or choose someone else, they would move on eventually, but they might not ever really get over it. My heart hurts just thinking about how they would feel trying to move on. Like you mentioned, the empty, quiet dinner tables, lackluster parties and festivals, it would be like they lost their best friend. (i giggled picturing your mammon scenario with the pickle because that’s exactly how he’d react to something so small lmaooo)

I also agree that i don’t think the devs will kill mc off (again), that just seems like a really crappy way to end the game!! I’m curious to see how they would make different routes go if you can only romance one of them end game, vs you being able to have them all? I wonder if we’d get a choice in the whole becoming immortal thing or not? 

Sorry if this reply was too long and rambly, i absolutely love discussing these kinds of things!! I always welcome these asks!!! 

[oh-for-fic-sake]

The Ground Rules

Geralt lays down the law with the help of yennefer after catching the reader haveing a bit of me time in the bath.

Masterlist

Ok this took all day as i couldnt stop tweaking it and i got to the point iv just got to step back and throw it out there or im gonna scream.Any way this is to go along with pastry negotiations its based after that one so could be considered part two? can be read stand alone tho in all honesty these modern reader inserts are gonna jump about in timeline cos my plot bunnys are twats. Im basing my Ciri on a mix of mature netflix Ciri and slightly mischievous witcher 3 Ciri. Any way i hope you enjoy this one im pretty pleased with it xx 

WARNING: Adult Themes, Smut, DubCon Swearing MxFxF 18+

Dont like it dont read it.

Geralt snaps when you take matters into your own hands.

The Ground Rules

"Well someone is excited" Jaskier drolled as he watched your form slowly creating distance between you as you marched ahead.

As the small rickety town came into veiw you cried out a victorious and dramatic "still alive" causing eye rolls and chuckles in the group. Honestly this was the first real town you'd come to since being here and you were thrilled. Sure you'd passed a tiny smattering of houses four or so days ago where you'd traded for some bread, tiny amount of dried meat and a few other essentials oh! and yenn had managed to replace your pastry to the amusment of the resident witcher. They'd both been more open with you since the whole pastry incident-which you thought was an off handed comment on yennefers part but she and geralt had since indicated otherwise.

The people in the village had mentioned of a near by town that was rumoured to have a contract out on a nest of some monster thingamajigs that you hadn't botherd to remeber the name of .You looked down the verge towards the town with immediate thoughts of eat, bathe and sleep- on a bed, a real fucking bed ,ok so it wont be a temper mattress but you could live with that-oh my fucking god hot water,a nice loooong soak you moaned in your throat the thought alone brought tears to your eyes. You walked ahead trying to usher the group.

And maybe you could have your own room. Honestly sharing a bed with the couple was becoming an issue for you,your crush on them was definatly getting out of control now constantly blushing under their heated glances and they are becoming more touchy feely, Hands lingering longer than nesscasary or leaning in so close so thier breath tickled the hairs on your neck basically doing anything to get you flustered and you swear to god yesterday yennefer copped a feel whilst helping you threw a small steam which you didn't need help with;not that she listened. Bottom line you were becoming sexualy frustrated pretty much staying in a constant state of arousal a night away from them to take care of business would be very much appreciated. 

"Come ooooonnnn guys keep up" you turned looking back at them drawing out your whine befor resuming towards the town

"Someone should catch up with her she looks like a girl on a mission" Yennefer commented 

"Yes. Ciri would you keep her near the main gate and out of trouble while we settle roach in the stables ,here take her this she should cover up befor anyone gets any ideas" geralt grunted as your form began to dissapear down the brow of the hill ,ciri looked between the two before shrugging grabbing his offered cloak then ran to catch up with you.

You glanced to the side as you heard footsteps noticing Ciri fall in step with you she held out his cloak.

"Here geralt said to cover up before people get any ideas" you sighed it wasnt your fault his shirt hung off of you showing a large amount of shoulder and chest luckily when the hoover portal of doom sucked you in you were in fleece lined black leggings that had been durable enough to survive the last 3 weeks on the road(your stitch t shirt hadn't survived your initial fall) because you doubt he'd have anything your hips would get in to. Rolling your eyes you pulled the heavy fabric across your shoulders repostioning it so that it wasnt draging on the floor to much but was still sheilding your body. 

"He's such a dad" Ciri giggled nodding in agreement befor reciting what esle geralt had requested ordered. You scoffed shaking your head

"So he doesnt even trust me to walk through a town, he does realise im an adult right? That i can do things with out causing trouble. i mean for god sake im not jaskier" she snorted 

"I think its more like he doesnt want other men trying to sleep with you" you did a double take 

"The hell you know about that sort of shit? has Jaskier been corrupting you?"

 A knowing smirk crossed her face as she held her hands up coming to a halt facing you just inside the wooden gates of the town.

"You think i havent noticed whats going on by myself, Geralt likes you so does yenn jaskiers noticed to, think he's going to write a song" 

"He better bloody not and anyway maybe i want to find a companion for the night." You announced tersely crossing your arms only to freeze as you heard a growl from behind you.

"Oh yes, i may have forgot to mention that witchers are senses are really sensetive" she smiled sweetly, you gaped why were you only being told this now. Looking between her and the others approaching.

"Wh-what how the fuck you leave that out? d-do you think he heard us? from back there" She nodded 

"Most definitely" you gulped feeling yourself shrink into Geralts cloak a little at the looks you received from Geralt and Yennefer as he spoke to her telling her what youd just said.oh fuck.

"when you say senses you mean all of 'em? Not just one or two?" hoping beyond hope that something had been lost in translation.

"Nope all of them sight, smell, hearing the whole lot" she replied watching the colour drain from your horror sticken face. You'd been getting wet over the past few days. And the realisation that he probably knew embarrassed the shit out of you. Geralt smirked obviously he heard.You were so fucked.he knew and if he knew then she knew.oh my god. You were sooo fucked.'whelp there goes my dignity' you thought. He strode past you to the mediocre stables with roach in toe ready to hitch her for the night.Jaskier and yenn followed pulling some of the bags off of the horse then passing them out to their respective owners. Geralt then stood before you all giving you all the 'game plan' as you call it.

"we will find an inn and eat after that you get settled in for the night whist i see about this contract."

"don't bother about me tonight im going to catch myself a young fair maiden for the night" you scoffed at Jaskier's announcement drawing his attention

"Sounding like a creeper there Jask, what? you gonna do throw a net in the tavern? don't think they'd take to kindly to that" he huffed through his nose aggravated. 

"No im going to sing in the tavern and lure a beauty to my side for the night" you played along widening your eyes in false realization

"oohh so your gonna go pay for it, how does it work exactly is it by hour or-" Geralt quickly intervened covering your mouth one to stop the inevitable spat and two before you could corrupt Ciri any further Jaskier deadpanned giving you a flat look.

"you're welcome to come find out for yourself im sure your just Itching  to get some relief-"

"JASKIER! you go ahead at least try to keep a bit of coin back this time" Jaskier 1 Y/n 0.

You glowered behind Geralt's hand as he dismissed the smirking bard who turned on his heel prancing off quite pleased with himself. You smacked Geralt's hand away wiping your mouth with the back of your hand before slowly making your way down the street into town.It had taken nearly half an hour to find a decent inn that had room for the four of you. A room with two double beds that had a heavy curtain to split the room into two it was usually rented by traveling families. You groaned as you walked in, now you really couldn't take care of business, you followed Ciri as she placed her bag on the bed on the left following suit you placed yours on the other half of it only to have Yennefer quickly relocated it to her side of the other bed. Ciri snorted giving you a knowing look.you sighed then stomped across the room. Knowing all to well that it was futile to argue with the sorceress ,the witcher was stubborn but she was something else. Geralt handed a small pouch of coin to Yennefer.

"This is for the new clothes Ciri needs a thicker cloak preferably fur lined maybe new boots to not sure how long those will last in the mountains." yennefer hummed as she pocketed the money. 

"And the clothes for Y/n as well?" 

"Yes, should be enough there for what we discussed if not i'v got a bit more saved" you raised your brows blinking at them.

"err what was discussed? guys? what did you talk about? was it about me? helloooo" you waved as they ignored you.Yennefer pulled off her cloak leaving it on her side of the bed. you and Ciri followed their lead only for Geralt the tug yours back across you giving a sharp look as you rolled your eyes.The group made its way down into the quiet main room of the family run inn where you were served a meal of roast beef with vegetable trimmings ,before you knew it Geralt had left to find out about the contract with a final 'Behave' thrown in your direction.To which you grunted in response,too full to even tell him to 'jog on' - a phrase that still frustrated the witcher as he didn't know the meaning-. Yennefer had asked for a bath before your meal which you were just informed was ready leaving you alone with the sorceress. You had all decided Ciri would have the bath first then you, yennefer and finally geralt if he was back before it got cold.

"I cant breath" yennefer laughed out loud you rubbed your tummy closing your eyes

"I mean honestly, I think theres food in my lungs" groaning leaning back against the chair she gave a sympathetic smile

"Well you did inhale your food, maybe next time take it easy."

"Can you blame me, been the first meat iv recognized since i got here" It was true so far you'd been living on meats that you wouldn't have necessarily chose to eat back home rabbit,mutton venison ect.

"After we've bathed we will rest for the day but tomorrow we have to run over to the seamstress and get your new clothes, not sure how long we will be here and might have to order some or have them taken up,you are a little thing.Might have to have some leather work done too." you squinted pointing an accusing finger at her

"You calling me a midget? we going for shots now are we?" she smiled sheepishly

"No .no shots?. i just meant your petite don't worry its very cute. Anyway we are only picking up the basics a few day dresses ,Riding clothes boots that sort of thing" you blinked owlishly flushing as she called you cute. 

"Riding clothes yes. Dresses no thank you" she stared unblinking at you for a few moments making you squirm at the calm expectant gaze that was getting heavier by the second, it was like the eyes of a mother when you'd been caught doing some dumb shit you knew you shouldn't be doing.

"Stop it....Yenn no... cant i just get something like Geralt has..please... i'd be much more comfortable...even Jaskier i mean im not one for the puffy bits but 'd make do....."

she blinked slowly

"Oh fine but only one or two no more and your not getting rid of these leggings either" you gave in, her gaze was to unnerving and it did things to you. Her face lit up. She was looking forward to seeing you in feminine gown instead of a her and Geralt's shirts not that she minded but it'd be a nice change to your strange stetchy leggings (not that she minded you in the form fitting bottoms) She moved leaning in to your side hand on your thigh patting it lightly.

"Thank you, don't be so worried i will take good care of everything" you gulped as you felt the flushed skin of your face grow hotter,your core clenching and warming at her sultry reply you closed your eyes trying to regain a bit of control. Suddenly her attention was drawn to a pink skinned Ciri who had finished her bath and changed Yenn nodded and released your thigh. You bolted upstairs hearing a chuckle as you did.

Once in the room you sighed in relief, making your way towards the screened off section that held a large oval tub full of steaming water. Discarding your clothes as you all but melted into the hot water.You submerged yourself getting your hair wet scratching tentatively at your scalp that had begun to ache under the grime. Spotting a small stool with what you'd consider toiletries, a bar of hard sweet smelling soap and a few vials.You grabbed the soap, opting for using it for your hair as well unsure what vials did what and went where.After scrubbing all the built up sweat and dirt you you closed your eyes lounging back against the slanted end tub you relaxed a few moments it wasn't long before you were feeling much better ,tired muscles succumbing to the soothing hot water.your body hummed. 'no one would have to know' as your summarized that this was the perfect opportunity to relieve yourself of other tensions, 

'its not like geralt could smell you under water, i mean i dont think dogs can thats why criminals cross rivers when their being hunted on tv isn't it?' biting your lip you peaked an eye open and listened out carefully feeling naughty when you began moving your hand to the apex of your thighs gasping as your finger ghosted over your hardened bundle of nerves .Fuck. Your clit was sensitive not surprising when Geralt and Yennefer had practically edged you for nearly a week. You whined quietly as you began a fast rhythm on your clit ,other hand slinking down to your opening rubbing your fingers up and down the warm weeping hole. You bit off a groan as your hips gyrated against your roaming hands. Stomach tensing as you drove yourself faster and faster to the edge.Almost there.Fuck almost-you jumped hissing 'shit' ,ripping your hands away from yourself , sitting up fast enough to make your head spin splashing a wave of water over the floor when you heard the door open slamming the wall beside it.

"err theres some one in here!" you called out loudly, angry at who ever just interrupted you.You got nervous as the heavy steps quickly made their way towards you.Realizing who ever it was didn't care for your modesty as they were coming your way you slung your top half out of the tub to grasp the towel screaming because before you could grasp it and cover yourself a large calloused hand enveloped your shoulder shoving you back into the water.

"WH-GERALT THE FUCK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME." you shouted at him as he released you then you looked down slapping your hands down to cover your self as he raised his eyebrows and gave a lop sided grin.He defiantly looked like the big bad wolf in that moment eyes ablaze with a hunger you wasn't sure you wanted to explore or not. Collecting yourself swallowing dryly before scolding him in a voice that seemed to become smaller with each word.

"hey! get the fuck out im trying to bathe you prick" you heard the door open and close again in a less violent fashion. And suprize suprize yennefer glided into view behind the .

"Thats not all you were doing tho was it? i can fucking smell you" was growled at you as geralt wet his lips you squeaked. 

"huh? b-but.. i thought..w-water" you stuttered out as your brain malfunctioned on on an epic scale. Yennefer gave out a loud laugh.

"so thats why he tore threw the inn like that.honestly Geralt i thought something was wrong" she continued laughing as she replayed the way geralt had all but vaulted the tables to get to the stairs. you pouted throughly humiliated

"something is wrong" he ground out before kneeling beside you .Shifting you tired to create some distance from him. He was having none of that wasting no time thrusting his hands into the water tugging away your shielding hand the other forcing its way between your legs. You slammed back against the tub gasping trying to get away. All you'd achieved was his hand pinning your hips to the back of the bath by your pussy

"GERALT WHA-"  

"Lets lay down some ground rules" He squeezed your throbbing heat in his hand curling his fingers dangerously close to your opening you bucked moaning breathlessly .Your eyes searched Yennefer's for help but she wore a similar hungry look that he had. Another slow squeeze brought your attention back to the brooding alpha male in the room.

"This is ours.ours to lick,suck and fuck as we see fit, to do what we please with and is off limits to your wandering little hands we clear on that?" You groaned out as he emphasized certain words with teasing brushes of fingers and a slow rub of his palm. Realizing that he might actually be serious.You nodded quickly babbling as he rocked his hand back and forth igniting the heat that you had built alone.

"C-crystal-please Geralt PLease" You threw your head back as his hand moved deliberate and teasing.

"You think you deserve it? after being caught up here playing with yourself?" You nodded then shook your head confused, unable to really concentrate on anything apart from his magnificent hand ,half lidded eyes and clenching your fingers tight around the thumb he was using it to control your movements as your body whithered under his ministrations.

"Really?" He said smirking as he held completely still you sucked through your teeth biting back curses.He chuckled smug bastard. moving trying to get some friction to no avail.

"Well we have been teasing the poor thing ,of course shes going to try sorting herself out the first chance she gets .Honestly Geralt what did you expect? i did tell you" yennefer reasoned as she stood behind you combing threw your wet hair you before grasping your free hand pulling it up out of the way kissing your palm before ghosting her nose down your neck pressing soft kisses along it you mewled at her and tried to coax geralt to continue again by rolling your hips.

"I suppose we could let her off this time" His voice was pure sex as he glanced down before giving into pushing two thick fingers up into you. his breach of your walls had an initial sting but was incredible as your needy walls tried sucking him deeper greedy to be filled.

"oh-oh fuck Ger-please" you arched your back pushing down onto his hand clutching onto Yennefer's wrist. you were so hot .fuck.he was gonna make you cum too quick. You panted throwing your head side to side as your legs tensed then raised up towards your torso, your pussy wrapped tight around Geralts fingers as he held them deep every few thrusts making you feel just how your walls rippled around him. he alternated between fast and shallow then slow and deep trying to build you up slowly he wasn't going to rush you, he was skilled enough to walk you up to the edge and throw you off whenever he damn well pleased. You'd never been this desperate in your life . Yenn's cool fingers delicately teased out your nipples pinching and flicking them until they stood out provocatively. You rocked against the both of them as Geralt made sure to start dragging your clit up and down with his palm as he finger fucked you curling his fingers searching for that small spot that'd send your mind reeling. Yenn had leaned down kissing your cheek and begun whispering lowly into your ear.

"He knows what he's doing doesn't he?Iit wont take him long to find every single spot you have, thats the thing with bedding a witcher they are much more observant then regular men. I have no doubt he will know when your going to orgasm before you do.He has the ability to force them out of nowhere when ever he pleases.. He is quite cruel like that" you moaned out loud snapping your head back high pitched and vulgar sounds tore from your throat as Geralts invading fingers began rubbing furiously back and forth on a soft spot inside of you.Unable to control yourself as your legs and tummy spasmed erratically as your tearfull moans and pleas filled the room

"Thats it oh i think iv found it~" he boasted as he moved his elbow pinning a knee to the side of the tub leaving your clit cruelly exposed for Yennefer,they shared a look as she moved her hand down to join Geralts taking over to rub small firm circles on your exposed clit.

"oh-OH fuck noNOno i cant please i ca-UGh to-Too much please FUCK" Yennefer was quick to swallow your moans in a kiss of clashing teeth and tongues before any one could hear ,tears streamed down your face as your body ached your pussy contracting painfully around his swiping digits. Pulling back for air the sorceress placed open mouthed kisses over your shoulders leaving red marks with her teeth and sucking bites.

"Good girl your being sooo good you don't have to ask this time" she praised as she reached your ear befor sucking harshly below your jaw. you were quickly becoming putty in their hands Geralt growled as he picked up the begining tremors of your orgasm.

"Look at me" you obeyed instantly moaning as you watched the white wolf pull his lip up in a snarl that would have scared you any other time.

"This is what you were made for, your ours, we own you, mind body and soul we own every whimper ,every tear ,every orgasm and hole they are ours for the taking when ever we choose,from now only ecstasy you will know is what we give you" You'd never have guessed how filthy his mouth could be but it seemed to have the desired effect as a sudden rush of heat was your only warning before rearing up screaming out, not sure if you'd shut your eyes or blacked out for a moment as you gushed into the bath water.Geralt pressed into you persistent while Yennefer's hand continued the tight circles efficiently drawing out the best orgasm your ever had.Finally their movements ceased and your body went limp wracked trembling in the aftermath as your orgasm ebbed away slowly. After giving you a few moments to come down and catch your breath Geralt removed his fingers you whimpered inside's still so sensitive after your orgasm, sucking on them he moaned deep and feral before plucking your clenched fingers off his thumb. Yennefer quickly wiped your pussy gently clearing the cum from between your swollen lips. Making you twitched as the cloth ran over you.Pulling you from the bath was a joint effort as they rested you on the bed and began patting you dry with the towel.Moaning in protest as your arms waved loosely trying to take over only having your hand smacked away as they finished.Lying back looking up at them bleary eyed trying to stay awake you felt like jelly, giving up fighting you rolled over yawning tucking your arms below your head Yennefer tilted her head stroking your hair sending you into a relaxed sleep.

"Poor dear ,Oh look at her geralt shes all fucked out and we haven't even fucked her yet" 

"hmm she'll be ok we just need to work on her stamina" he replied patting your bottom as he pulled the cover over your washed out form.Geralt panicked

"Shit wheres Ciri?"

"well when you came charging in down stairs i told her to go find Jaskier and stay there until one of us came to get her" Yennefer said with a sly grin he shook his head and scooped her up kissing her passionately. As he took a few steps to the now vacant bath

"well the bath is still warm care to join me?"

"with pleasure lets try not to wake her tho"

.

See you soon xxx

[authorofdanger]

Miroh 2

Genre: Angst

Skz zombie apocalypse AU

It's very sad and violent in some parts, sorry.

"Balance! Balance is key Shuyang," Jeongin sighed while coming behind the boy and helping him plant his feet. Shuyang looked at him in slight confusion before one of the other young boys translated in chinese. Jeongin was given the difficult task of teaching these boys no older than fifteen and no younger than twelve how to shoot a bow and arrow. Smiling to myself I was beyond proud of Jeongin for not only strengthening his shooting skills but for being able to teach as well.

"Hyung have you not noticed how clumsy he is? I'm surprised we didnt put him in farming with Yeji," Hanyu chuckled as he shot and nearly hit the bullseye. "Stop being mean," Zihao groaned in english. Pulling myself to my feet I took over Jeongin's place behind Shuyang and placed my hands over his. "Slow your breathing," I said in his home language, "it's okay to miss. You are learning so breathe. Now balance and focus on your breathing."

"You know chinese," Jeongin gasped. "And english," I said while looking over at Zihao, "dad moved us around alot since he was a company translator. Does it really shock you? I lived in Taiyuan for five years, Texas for six, and Busan for eight years now. Korean is relatively my newest language."

"Hey I'm from Taiyuan," Xinlong said excitedly. Giving him a wide smile I turned my attention back to Shuyang and whispered for him to release the arrow, watching as his arrow finally landed on the rim of the target. "There you go," I encouraged, "now keep practicing."

As time went on, and corrections decreased, I had decided to leave the boys for a moment to survey the base. It wasn't as broken down as the infected towns but it surely needed repairs. The houses were run down and in a few years probably dilapidated but for now it was livable and somewhat warm. The shops we kept around were always busy with people making food, clothes, weapons, and more. Children were running around the property with no parents to corral them inside, only a few of us teenagers and early adults taking over the parental life.

"Y/N I thought you were with Jeongin," Seungmin asked while running up to me from the pig barn. He was wiping the dirt from his hands with a rag in his pocket and tried to clear his face but with little result. "I thought you were supposed to control the pigs. Looks like it was the other way around." Giving me an off smile he lowered his face and groaned, "younger sow has been testing Jisung and I's patience. It's too hyper to be cooped up in the barn but too lazy to burn energy when in the field and it's hard to catch it when I need it. Somehow it managed to learn to open it's own pen so I had to get Changbin to help me rebuild the door to move the latch."

His small smile made my heart swell, I rarely saw him smile during our time together so it's refreshing to see happiness in the same boys I worried about months ago. "I'm obviously not a builder," he added after holding out his cut up hands, "gonna have to borrow some of Hyunjin's bandages." "Need help?"

****

"I missed the way you patched us up. Its alot more comfortable than Hyung's tight and rigid tactic." Finishing up the last wrap I gave his hand a soft squeeze before putting the medical supplies back to its spots. "Had to learn somehow with Namjoon always managing to injure himself. I still cant figure out how he would do it but he always had new injuries each week! Mom was always finding small jobs to do so she was gone alot while dad was always at the companies he was doing work for. He tried to patch himself up but would always hurt himself more," I laughed, "I wonder if he found someone to replace my handiwork."

The room was silent for a moment but my smile never faltered. "I'm sure he's fine," I added, "I'm sure he is running around with Jungkook or Seokjin. They had a big group of friends apparently. I didnt get to see them often since he was scared I would fall for Jungkook but I think he was overreacting. Big brother stuff you know?" "I understand completely. My older sister was the same way with her friends. But she was more worried because I was a bit of a wild child in her eyes. She thought I would corrupt her friends." The room filled with laughter as we thought back to our pasts. Thinking about it now I never would have believed someone like Seungmin would be my friend. In high school I was always shy and a bit of a book nerd but wasn't afraid to stand up for myself. I guess that's how I meshed well with Jeongin when I moved to Korea, attending high school with him. Apparently Hyunjin went there too but I never really got to know him and didnt even know of his existence!

As we sat here I realized just how lucky I am to have met my boys. They helped me learn to grow a backbone and how important it was to not judge a book by his cover. "Well I better get back to the pins. I heard that Chan is going to take some of the men and younger males for hunting practice. You going," Seungmin sighed as he got up. "No I'm going to stay here and let my shoulder rest some more." "Right. But hey, thanks for patching me up."

**** Three years ago****

A loud crash erupted from the living room followed by an "Oh shit!" Glancing over at Jin who came and helped me make dinner tonight I wiped my hands on the apron he gave to me and followed the sound to see my brother trying to pick up the pieces of the now broken vase.

"Why does mom demand we keep glass items in this house," he growled before he cut open his hand yet again. "No Joon get the broom," I laughed. I quickly pulled him up to his feet and examined his hand to see a few thin lines here and there but nothing a few bandages couldnt cover. "You're a god of destruction," I giggled to myself before letting go of him and moving to get the broom,"dont move Joon! You'll break something else with your luck!"

"How is it that he is the older brother but you are the one who takes care of him," Seokjin laughed. "I swear the birth year on my birth and adoption certificates are wrong. I have to be older than him." "What will he do without you in a few years?" "I'll be fine!"

****

I always wondered where he went. Did he make it out of our town alive? Did he find the boys? I might never get answers.

A few hours later and I was huddled in my room by the fireplace, waiting for the boys to get back. Chan and Jeongin were out teaching the younger boys to hunt which was freaky in it's own sense but it was also scary that it was starting to get dark. "Y/N," Shuyang called while rushing in. "I thought you were hunting! What's wrong," I asked. Going over to him and rubbing his heaving back I could barely hear him huffed out "need translator. Felix cant understand. A man is here!"

****

"救命啊," I heard a young man scream as I raced up the staircase. "I dont speak chinese! Do you speak anything else? What group are you from," Felix yelled. "Hyung yelling isnt going to help. It's like when we did that when you were learning korean," Seungmin sighed. "Shut up! I dont see you helping! And where the hell is Shuyang?" Shoving the door open I walked in front of Shuyang and took a look at the situation. Seungmin was sitting in the back corner with his hands in his face, Felix was standing firm but with panic laced on his, and the boy who must have been the man screaming in chinese moments ago was pacing the room.

"My name is Y/N. I speak chinese well. Are you okay," I asked while slowly approaching the frantic man. " His eyes grew wide and he let out a "oh my god! I can speak a little korean but the words arent coming to me right now! My base has been invaded and we need help! I'm from Amber's section!" "Amber? Amber Liu," Felix asked after finally catching on. "They're invaded."

****

We filled the trucks with as many members as we could as we raced to the compound. In my truck we had Felix, Changbin, Minho, Jisung, Lucas, and I. The ride was quiet aside from the engine roaring as Minho raced us through the winding roads. "Please let there be survivors," Lucas whispered to himself, "let my friends be okay." Placing my hand ontop of his I tried to comfort him in any way I could but with little results. "How did this happen," Felix asked which I ended up having to translate. In the best korean he could manage in the moment he said "people were coming back from hunting and one was bitten while he was out. He didnt tell anyone and turned. It spread from there. Oh God Winwin!" Tears rolled down his face and he pulled his sleeves to his eyes to try to stop them.

"Its okay to cry," I hushed, "we are going to help the best we can I promise." Jisung eyed me as I comforted the stranger, knowing my heart was breaking for him. Placing his hand on his back, I could tell Jisung was trying to help too. We both knew what it was like to lose someone to this situation. When we first found eachother he had his older brother with him who got bit saving Jisung. I on the other hand had to shoot my mother when she turned and soon after my father. It's a pain that many in this world are forced to go through but it never gets easier. We all hope for a day this will end but at this point we know the odds are out of our favor.

"We're here," Minho interrupted before we all rushed out of the trucks and others pulled in. With a team of an estimated thirty we raced into the compound and began to shoot every Walker in sight. I stuck close to Lucas and Felix as we tried to find and gather survivors but only managed to find a small group hiding in a closed off room in the leadership tower. "Ten! Amber," Lucas cried as he rushed into the room. Doing a headcount I was able to see five survivors and then Lucas, my heart dropping at the alarming number. "We couldnt stop them," Amber shook, "I just had to find survivors and barricade ourselves until help arrived."

"We're here," Felix comforted, "now come on. We need to get you guys to a vehicle while we search for more." "I'll keep looking. I have great aim and can protect myself," I suggested. Nodding his head, Felix ushered everyone out while I raced around the entire compound. The bodies laying on the floor added to my fear and I prayed for atleast one more survivor. "Please! Anyone!" On the ground was a young male with a Walker ontop of him, snapping at his face. Pulling my arrow back I was able to nail him right in the back of his head and ran to help the young man.

He had to be close to Jeongin's age but definitely a giant in comparison. His eyes were soft but full of fear but I had to push my own aside to try to soothe him in this moment. "Are you infected," I asked. Shaking his head I immediately pulled him to his feet and handed him a gun from my bag and continued through the compound. After nearly an hour though and no other survivors in sight I knew it was time to leave.

"But Chenle! I cant leave him!" "Someone else might have found him. We have to go," I ordered before pulling him by his arm to the trucks that were already packed and preparing to leave. "Is that all of our team," Felix yelled through the crowd. "We are all clear sir," another called out. Helping the boy into the bed of the truck I crawled in to sit by him and the new members of our base, listening to the cries of pain as they went through their list of friends who were either infected or killed.

"Johnny," one asked. "Got bit. I watched someone shoot him soon after. Same for Mark." "Chenle?" "Infected." My heart went out to this group. These were their friends, their family, and they had to watch some of them die today. "I'm sorry I didnt get help soon enough," Lucas apologized. Amber placed her hand on his face and made him look at her, "you saved us Lucas. You cant save everyone but you saved someone! You did great." "Its not your fault," another girl added, "this wasn't something we could have stopped. Its life now."

Life sucks.

[imagining-sio]

Escapism III

Chapter III: Name your Price

A/N: sorry for the inactivity; I am currently studying abroad in France!!!

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The next day started off with the alarm blaring from under my pillow. I shut off the alarm lazily before sluggishly manuvering out of bed. as my toes touched the floor, I hissed at the cold sensation. Rubbing my eyes, I walk downstairs, starting the keurig upon the small amount of countertop space I had in the kitchen.

I opened the front door, grabbing the newspaper. I glanced at the headline, finding it uninteresting. I looked up toward my neighbor’s home, only to find my neighbor picking up his paper without a shirt. I could easily spot the sleeve of tattoos that went from his wrist to his pectoral. His adonis-like body was glistening in the morning dew. I quickly looked away, hoping he couldnt see me as I slammed the door. I placed my hand upon my chest, trying to regulate my breathing. I wiped my hand overmy face praying that what I saw was some sort of delayed sleep paralysis.

I groaned, grabbing my mug of tea and moing back upstairs to get dressed for the day. I threw on a red sweater, one that was a little oversized due to the recent weather over the past week. I stepped into my dark washed jeans before slipping into my white sneakers. I took one last bated breath before mustering up the courage to walk outside for the day. I didnt have to go to work, but I had errands to run. Groceries was first on the list.

I placed the tea in a to-go mug, flung my woolen trench coat on, and grabbed my purse and keys before walking out the door. Thankfully, there was no half naked neighbor to greet my sight this time, but a woman whom was visibly dishevled leaving his home, our eyes made contact as she got into her cab. As soon as it was out of sight I watched as he lifted the garage door up, helmet in hand.

I wasted no time entering the drivers seat of my vehicle, I wasnt much up for conversation today. I set my purse in the passenger seat beside me, my keys jingling between my fingers. I stuck the key in ignition, fully expecting the vehicle to run when I turned it over.

The response I recieved was less than reasuring. The engine all but keeled over, sputting long enough before I gave up. I tried a few more times, growing more impatient each time. I tried one last time before boiling over completely.

“Are you kidding me?!” I cursed at the poor bronco. The one that had gooten from one side of the country to another. This poor, old, dishelved piece I could not bare to part from. I knew in the back of my head it was only a matter of time, but still; would it have killed him to get me into town.

I stormed out of the vehicle, samming the door, not caring who had heard it. I could hear the faint sound of music coming from the garage across the street; but I was too furious to care about it at the moment. I propped open the hood of good ole Oliver, looking at his entrails as if they were a foreign language.

Automechanics was a foreign language.

I hung my head in deafeat after looking at the engine for mere seconds. I was never going to be able to fix it. I heaved a sigh before peaking out from underneath the propped hood; the music was surefire evidence he was still there.

‘Suck it up, and go ask him,’ I repeated to myself. I wrung my hands out as I walked across the street. I relaized as I was doing so this would be the frist time I would be actively seeking him out, and not him running into me or simply by obligation.

His back was facing me as I walked up his driveway. The alternative music was blaring as he worked on his motorcycle. Fotunately he had put on a shirt, a greasy white one, but a shirt was still a shirt. A dark bottle lay at his boot, and his toolbox at the other. His hair wasn’t tied back like it nomrally was back at the shop. intead he mere tucked most of it behind his ears to keep it out of his face as he worked.

His sleeve of tattoos stood out porminently upon his arm, with only a small space left showing his actual skin. It was upon th einside of his arm, the part of his bicep that was closest to his heart. Strange why someone would leave it open and untouched like that. Then again I cannot judge what someone does to their body.

I swallowed the nonexistent gum in my throat and walked up to the doorway of his garage, knocking on the frame a few raps.

He somehow heard me knocking or saw my shadow, because he turned his head and looked at me. Initially he looked suprised to see me, which I couldnt blame him for. Its not like I was someone who was neighborly, unlike his philosophy. He grabbed the strewn remote in his pocket, turning the volume of his radio down signofocantly.

“Hello neighbor, what brings you to my humble abode?” His charm was on full display, though the bags under his eyes begged to differ.

“I made need some assistance.” my shoulders hiked up as I pursed my lips.

“And what would you need assistance with?” He stood up, wiping his greasy hands on a towel he had kept on his pant leg as he sat. He sauntered up as he did so, when finishing he slapped the towel over his shoulder, crossing his arms over his broad chest.

“I need,” I watched as his smirk grew and his brow hiked up his forehead; “your knoweldge on how to fix cars.” I threw my thumb backward, pointing to my vehicle in my driveway.

“I thought I told you to bring it by the shop?” He smirked.

“I wasn’t aware that it was a prophecy.” I rolled my eyes, feeling slightly kiddish as he smiled down at me.

“Maybe you should start listening to me more often.” Bucky nudged me as he strode out of my driveway in his destroyed jeans. I couldnt help but marvel of how the hell his thighs could fit into them in the first place.

“You coming?” I didn’t notice he had stopped. I couldn’t help but smile as I walked up to join him.

“So what is wrong with the Bronco?”

“He won’t start?”

“He?”

“Yes, he. Oliver is his name, treat him nicely.” I said as he walked up to the propped hood. He took a glance at it, making sure tht the importnat wires were connected properly. I subnociously made note of how taut his arms were as he did so.

This man was going to be the death of me.

“Hm, doesn’t look like the starter is broken. Your oil is fine too. Try starting it?”

I did as he said, hopping into the open seat, turning over the ignition again. The loud spurting sound came out in full force. Bucky ducked underneath the vehicle as I stopped turning the engine.

“Nope that is the starter all right.” he placed his hand in his scruffy chin, a small patch of grease staining it.

“How much for a starter?” I asked, drawing him out of his train of thought.

“Hmm? Oh, please, no need. Lemme grab one of my spares in the garage. Easy fix.”

That alarmed me. I did not like owing people. Owing people eant they had someting to hold over you. Something to chain you down. Owing people was leverage over you.

“No, lemme pay for it. Please,” I inisisted.

“Oh, no sweetheart. Not gonna happen. Thsi is an easy fix. It’s really no trouble for me. I have plenty of spares.” He said with a dashing smile. I walked back with him over to his garage, hellbent on proving him wrong.

“Than naem a price and I’ll pay it! It’s really not too much trouble, Barnes.”

“What did I say about calling me Barnes,” he said with a smile, laughing as he searched for the desired piece.

“Fine,” I said; “How much do I owe you, Bucky.”

“Looks like I need to go to the shop, I’m all out of spares.” He looked up at me from his rummaging in his spare bins of nuts and bolts. I noticed the glint in his eyes.

“No.”

“I haven’t even said anything,” He chuckled.

“Anything but that.”

“It’ll be really short.”

“Bucky, please.”

“I like it when you say my name like that.” he flashed a charming grin.

“Are you seriously trying to flirt your way into getting what you want?” I raised a brow. He paled.

“Is it working?” His expression winced. I could only raise my brows expectantly.

“It may have wokred on your latest romp last night but it won’t work on me.”

“So you saw her huh?”

“Not like she was subtle about it.”

“Yeah, she certainly wasn’t.” he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Still think I’m gonna do what you want.’

“Yes.” He smirked.

“Oh really,” I laughed; “How so?”
 “That’s my price. Take a ride with me to go get what I need and I’ll fix your bucket of bolts.”

“His name is Oliver.” I corrected him.

“That isn’t a no.” He leaned down and gave me a shit-eating grin. I glared daggers at him before caving in.

“Fine,” I rolled my eyes, chuckling as he stuck a victory pose.

“Lemme grab my jacket.” He ran inside, appearing a moment later with a moto jacket on his body and a helmet in hand.

“Safety first.” He paced the white helmet on my head, looming down so he could clip the buckle underneath my chin properly.

“I can do it myself you know?” I giggled, easing my nervousness.

“I know, but how else am I gonna get you to talk to me?”

“By talking to me.” I deapanned. He sat on his motorcycle, kicking it a few times to start it up.

“Where’s, your helmet?” I asked.

“You’re wearing it.” He said as he revved the bike with the mere flick of his wrist.

“Lemme guess, you have your spares at teh shop too?”

“You know me so well.” he smiled.

“I’m starting to think this is all a ploy for me to get on this bike.” I mutterd before sitting on the bike behind him. He chuckled, alerting me to that he had indeed heard my statement.

“Here,” he took hold of my hands, placing them upon his waist, making me hold onto him tight.

“Smooth move, Barnes,” I commented.

“I know”, he smirked over his shoulder toward me.

“Oh thank god, he’s self aware.” I said sarcastically, making him laugh. It was that harmony you would want to hear again and again.

“Hold on tight, doll,” He said, knocking the bike off of its kickstand. He revved the engine and sped off into the street. I held on with a bine knuckle grip, smushing my head into his back. I could only squeeze my eyes shut as the wind blew past us. I took deep breaths, inhaling his scent of leather and firewood. I gained the courage to peak my eyes open, gaining a beautiful sight.

The trees were lit just right as we whizzed by them into town, the light barely peaking through the leaves. The reflections of the lake felt like a kaleidoscope of color. I could only gaze in wonder at all of it. As we got closer into town, the trees were becoming sparse, and telephone poles were the only thing that was relatively tall enough to fit the giant redwood forest’s height. By about twenty feet or so. A content smile grew upon my face, my head coming to rest on the cushion in front of me. That cushion of course being the pilot of this contraption built for adrenaline seekers.

We soon pulled onto a familiar street, and seconds later into the auto shop. It appeared to be open, but it would seem that Bucky was not working today, the same as I wasn’t working to day either.

“See, here we are; safe and sound.” Barnes hopped off the motorcycle, a confident smile plastered upon his lips. I fiddled with the helmet before taking it off my head, trying to tame the windswept hair. How in gods name could he make windswept hair look good? It wasn’t fair.

He held his hand out, to which I gratefully took as I got off the vehicle. I handed him the helmet, before taking three steps back.

“I’ll be just a second.” He placed the helmet on the seat as he walked away to some corner of the building. I knew the place well by this point so I opted to just stand there.

Until I heard a loud clang of a wrench hitting the floor. I jumped out of my sling at the sound, turning to find both Steve and Sam standing a few feet away with mouths open to the floor. Steve has his arm up, and the large wrench at his feet.

“Uh hey guys,” I gave a small awkward wave.

“He let you ride the bike?” Same stood up from underneath the vehicle.

“Uh, yeah; is that a bad thing?” I was becoming anxious at their shared expressions.

“Didn’t he go home with you last night?” Steve asked. I paled at his insinuation.

“N-no! It’s not like that! I just gave him a ride home is all! I swear! We didn’t- I would never!” I scrambled to find words. I could see Sam’s expression quickly change from one of shock to one of amusement. For Steve however, it took him a lot longer to just become passive in his facial expression.

“You would never what?” Bucky’s voice made me stiff to the bone. He was directly beside me, holding a boxed started in his hand. I watched as his smile faded as he looked at his two friends.

“What?” He glared at Sam.

“Nothing,” Sam chuckled as he crossed his arms.

“Just spit it out Wilson.” He groaned.

“You let ride your bike?” Steve spike, still reeling, this time his tone turning hopeful.

“What about it?” He turned defensive.

“Oh, nothing. Never thought she would actually agree to it is all. She’s out of your league.” Sam chuckled, pointing his finger wiggling it between the two of us. I chuckled as Bucky began to fume.

“You’re hilarious. Don’t you have work to do?” He ordered, his tone darkened. It caught me off guard. I watched as Bucky turned heel and began to pack the item into his bike.

“Sure do, Sergeant,” Sam smirked as I watched Bucky stop mid step.

“For the love of god, stop calling me that.” He groaned, craning his head back at the two men. I could watch the interaction silently.

“Nah, it’s funny,” Wilson laughed.

“I still out rank you,” Bucky called over the sound of his engine revving.

“Eat my ass Barnes!” Sam cupped his hands over his mouth. The subsequent Barnes just gave him the finger in return. All the while Steve kept repeating that he let me ride the bike.

What kind of idiots did I befriend.

“Here you go.” Bucky handed me his white and black striped helmet.

“Sergeant?” I asked, a mischievous glint sparkled in my eye. I placed the helmet on my head, finding my place back upon the motorcycle. I could only watch as Bucky rolled his eyes, a faint dusting of pink tint his cheeks.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a vet. Big whoop.” He said offhandedly, “hang on.” He have the small warning before we sped back into the road and bi-ways.

[azaraspirit]

Just a Guy Named Tom l T.H. x reader fic preview

its probably a little soon to share this since i just finished writing this but i am SO EXCITED about this fic that i couldnt wait and had to share a preview of it to get you guys as excited as me. 

summery: Tom was an ordinary guy and had an ordinary life. That is until his best friend Harrison started working for a Crime Lord in London. Tom tried to talk him out of it but it didn’t work and so he stole from Haz’s boss which was a deadly decision. Tom has been running ever since till the reader comes long and finally starts living, in danger or not. 

tagging some folks: @lovelyspidey @spiderboytotherescue @i-couldnt-leave-my-best-girl @fanboy-tom @underoos-tom

Warnings: language, death threats. 

Notes: its not gonna be pretty and a shit ton of angst with a dash of fluff and smut. so a little bit of everything HAH. enjoy. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!! 

PREVIEW. (part of chapter one).

*

Sometimes you meet just the right person at the right moment. You have been cheated on by your bf with your enemy who bullied you from middle and high school. He could have cheated normally with some random chick or even a friend but no. He chose your bully that made you feel a hundred time worse. Which is why you found yourself crying into your margarita at a bar.

“You alright miss?” a soft but unfamiliar voice spoke.

You managed to look over to see who it was. A handsome young man sat a seat away from you at the bar, looking rather concerned.

“Just peachy.” you murmured, taking a sip of your drink.

“I don’t mean to be rude. Just an odd sight seeing a woman crying in a bar in the middle of the afternoon.

You scoffed. “Trust me. I didn’t plan this. Just that…” You faltered. What did it matter? Why should you bother a complete-attractive-but handsome stranger-with your problems?

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want. Besides we don’t even know each other.”

You sighed, staring into your drink. Yeah he was a stranger but there was something inviting about him. Maybe it was tousled brown hair or British accent. You had no idea but still you had a lot on your mind.

“My boyfriend cheated on me.” you confessed.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry. Guy must have been a real dick-and not the good kind.”

You laughed. Actually laughed.

“Yeah he was. Too bad I didn’t see it sooner.”

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking?”

A sigh flowed passed your lips. “I told him all about my enemy from high school and middle school. Guess he found her attractive and slept with her. A lot.”

The handsome British man scoffed. “Wait hold up. The guy cheated on you. With your bully?”

“Yup.” The word smacked off your lips.

“Where is he? I need to beat the crap out of him.”

You chuckled. This guy was something else. “He’s not worth your time. I just pray that they both get an STD.”

This time the guy laughed and wow what a beautiful sound it was to hear. He laughed hard enough to where he dipped his head back and hold his stomach.

“Amen to that.” he grinned.

A moment of silence fell between you and the British boy. He smiled ever so softly st you, making your heart flutter and lift you off the ground like a cartoon character.

“Wanna get out of here?” he asked.

You smiled, big and wide. “After you tell me your name.”

“Tom. Just a guy a named Tom.”

“I’m Y/N.”

“That’s a pretty name if I do say so myself.” Tom paid the bartender, including your drink and a tip who was more than grateful-he even gave Tom a hand shake. “No problem mate.” Tom replied, smiling.

“Where you wanna go?” he asked as you both leave the bar.

You were silently debating whether or not to have a post break up make out sesh or keep it platonic. His voice alone turned you on. Normally this wasn’t your way of meeting but you felt like you needed to treat yourself after the break up whether it was sexual or strictly emotional support.

“Sounds crazy because we just met but I could use a vacation.” you decided.

Tom faced you so he was walking backwards, smiling. “I could be a killer ya know?”

You laughed. “I don’t think you are.”

“Oh, really?”

You nodded. “You have a good heart, Tom. I can tell. You already brought me out of the foggy state I was in when you first asked if I was okay. And I was certain when you first made me laugh.”

Tom rolled his eyes. “Alright Y/N. Any ideas?”

“You have a British accent, correct?”

He smirked. “Yeah?”

“Why don’t we go to London?”

“You sure about that, darlin’?” he teased with a wink. You swore your heart skipped a beat just then. Was it possible to fall for someone this quickly?

“Never been more sure of anything in my life.”

Okay this was crazy. Absolutely crazy. But you had no one or anything to keep you here and believe it or not Tom was what you needed.

A smile never left your face as you and Tom sat next to each other on the plane. You were above the clouds on the way to London with a man you just met. But what is life without adventure?

You caught Tom admiring you, making you both blush and giggle. He hesitated before gently taking your hand making your skin tingle. You wrapped your fingers around his.

“This is crazy.” he murmured, stroking your hand with his thumb.

“No it’s an adventure.”

He chuckled. “A crazy adventure.”

“Touche.”

You didn’t even know his last name but you trusted Tom with your life. You never felt this way about anyone not even your ex. It was like as if fate drawn you together. You would go to ends of the earth for him. “Get some rest, love.” he whispered. “We still have a long way to go.”

As if he was on cue, your eyelids feel heavy. You adjusted to be more comfortable, resting your head on his shoulder.

Tom waited till he was sure you were asleep. You snored lightly making him smile. You were a mere stranger but you already felt like home. It probably wasn’t a good idea to get so attached but it was too late. He wasn’t going to leave you now. If it goes as bad as he think he will, he was ready to go down fighting in order to protect you. It may have been a bad idea to steal from a crime lord and an even worse to go back home but it felt right. London was home, in danger or not.

Tom’s phone dinged with a text. It read:

H: YOU’RE DEAD.

Tom smirked and texted back:

Why so hostile? London is big enough for the both of us.

H: YOU KNOW WHY.

Tom laughed to himself

T: what happened bro we used to be friends.

H: you screwed me so I screw you. what’s the saying? Karma’s a bitch.

T: you need let go. holding a grudge is bad for your health.

H: dont be a smartass. Im gonna kill you one way or another.

T: good luck.

H: friends dont steal from their boss. Prepare to taste bullets.

T: its a date.

H: fuck you.

The texts stopped. He was tired of Harrison’s bullshit. So what if he stole from his boss who happened to be a crime lord? Doesn’t mean he has to be so dramatic. Tom looked down at you, still asleep. He gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “I won’t let him hurt you, I promise.” Tom and Haz used to be friends but not anymore. Sure Tom should be scared and hiding but he knew he would be found eventually so why not enjoy the time he had before it ended in blood? He wasn’t gonna let Haz ruin his life.

.

[michaelreaderreblog]

Angels and Hockey

AN: “ And I have a request for you as well!!!! Michael watching his first hockey game with reader. Don’t matter if it’s on tv or live at the arena. Don’t matter on the team either, you can choose on that part. Reader explains why the referee blew the whistle and why the one goal is called off. So as the game goes on he is beginning to understand the game and begins getting frustrated with calls and goals. Even noticed an angel has taken a particular well known hockey player for a host vessel. 😃😃😃” A request made by @jacobmarkstrom25 I hope I wrote this to your expectations and sorry I wrote it out so long but I couldnt help myself. I liked a few parts and well this is the outcome of it all. I hope everyone enjoys this one and thanks for reading and requesting. Requests are always open

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Word Count: 4,733

You and your brothers finish up a case with no problems at all. A case that took you all the way to Vancouver, Canada. The drive up was even beautiful.

“Who else needs an ice pack” Dean asks while getting them from the cooler

“Im good. I just took an advil” Sam replies while getting comfortable on the bed

“Wow you guys are old” you say while looking between them

“Shut up” Dean says while getting on the bed and try and get comfortable as well

“So we staying for a couple of days?” you ask looking up from your laptop

“Yeah. I want to go fishing” Dean says while laying on the bed

“I want to check out the farmers markets and just explore” Sams turn to add in

Once you got your answer, you continued going through the Vancouver Canucks website. The beloved hockey team to the city.

For once you wanted to check out a hockey game but you werent sure if your brothers would want to go with you.

“Do any of you want to check out a hockey game? I can buy the tickets” you ask before purchasing them

“No thanks” Dean says

“No but thanks for asking” Sam says while looking to you

After they both reply you hear a familiar sound of wings in the room

“Michael” Sam says looking to him

“You’re late to the party. We cleaned up the mess here” Dean says adjusting the pillows behind him

“My help wasnt needed then” Michael says coming to sit with you

“Nah” Dean replies while continuing to relax on the bed

“Catch any other cases?” Michael asks looking between all three of you

“No, other hunters caught a few and are taking care of them” Dean says while finally getting comfortable

“What now?” Michael asks

“Well we are going to spend a couple more days here and just explore the city” Sam says while getting up from the bed and getting himself a beer.

He throws Dean one as well, he looks to you if you would like one but you nod. He goes back to the bed.

“Michael would you like to go to a hockey game with me?” you ask looking away from your laptop

“I would love to” he agrees with a smile

“If I hear one more thing about hockey. Im gonna puke” Dean says looking to you

“Hockey” you reply while smirking to him

“Bugger” Dean mutters to himself

You heard what he said and giggled. Sam rolls his eyes at the both of you.

“So when is this game?” Michael asks looking to you

“The game is tonight. So we should head out soon” you tell him while an email is being sent

You opened the email and your digital tickets were emailed. You downloaded the file and it was done.

“Are you guys going to be ok by yourselves for a few hours?” you ask looking between Sam and Dean

“Yes. You know we can take care of ourselves” Dean says while looking to you

“Before yes. Now you’re old is why Im asking” you reply

“Bugger” Dean says once more

“Get out” Sam says pointing to the door while getting a laugh out of it

Michael with the snap of his fingers brings the both of you outside the Rogers Arena

“What time does the game start?” Michael asks standing beside you.

“The game starts in an hour” you tell him while looking to your watch

“What shall we do for an hour?” he asks looking around

“Well I want to eat” you reply

Michael then zaps the both of you to a restaurant. All the zapping is getting you dizzy but you were getting used to it. Slowly.

“I didnt realize how hungry I was. Those appetizers didnt do a thing” you say while finishing off the last of your nachos

“Those nachos were really good” he says while wiping his hands

Once the main course meal was placed in front of you is when you finished it off with no problem at all. Michael did the same as well and thankfully he is full

“Ok that was the greatest meal” you say while cleaning the table

“How much more time til the game starts?” he asks placing his plate on top of yours.

You cleaned the table before the waitress came and made her job easier. All she had to do was take the plates, cups and utensils away while wiping the table.

“Half hour” you reply looking to your watch

The both of you get up from the table and walk to the register to pay for the meal. The waitress comes back and is thankful for the table is cleaned. She is also thankful for the generous tip.

Once the both of you are in front of the arena is when you walk in the building. You line up to get your tickets scanned. You pull out your phone and open the email with the tickets. Once they scan your tickets is when the both of you walk in the direction of your seats.

“These are amazing seats” Michael says as soon as the both of you get to your seats

You managed to get ice level seats for the both of you.

“You know the rules of the game?” you ask smiling to him

“Yes I do. I was there when the game was created, just waited for someone to come along and take the game far” he says while looking to you.

As the players begin to take the ice for pregame warm ups is when you got excited because you never got the chance to attend these types of games.

Never had the time. Dean and Sam went to these types of things but it was never the sport that interested you. So you never went with them.

You and Michael talk about the case that you and your brothers finished to pass the time. Finally when it was time for puck drop is when Michael is fascinated.

The Canucks score the first goal and the crowd goes wild. You and Michael cheer as loud as the both of you can. The arena is loud with cheers and hollers for their favourite player.

You see Daniel Sedin skate by and made your inner fan girl jump for joy. You see him nod to Michael and wondered if it was just a fan appreciation kind of thing. You didnt think much of it

Michael couldnt believe who he just saw, he thought he died right after the fall because no one has ever heard from him in a while.

Soon after the first goal was scored, another was scored but it wasnt the home team. It was the opposing team and the game is tied in the first period.

Michael keeps an eye for anyone else he is familiar with but no one is. Only the one Daniel Sedin.

“Enjoying yourself?” you ask while never taking your eyes off from the game

“Yes I am” he answers quickly

He leaps out of his seat for an embellished penalty call against the Canucks and the opposing team is on the power play. Leaving the Canucks one man short.

“That was an unnecessary call” Michael says while sitting back in his seat

“Very agreeable” you reply while the opposing team scores once more.

They lead by one goal and the first period is over. Intermission while everyone gets out of their seats and goes to the food vendors or even alcohol vendors.

“Thanks for coming with me to the game. Dean nor Sam wanted to come, they wanted to do their own thing. Which I dont mind but it just would have been nice for a family thing” you tell him while the zamboni makes its rounds

“Not a problem. We all need to do our own things when they havent been practised in a long time and the three of you hunt as a family. So I see that as a family thing” he says as he looks to you.

Daniel looks across the rink and sees Michael. Well the angel hosting his body sees Michael and wondered how he escaped out of the cage. He will wait until the second period is over to tell him to wait for him after the game. Along with the Winchester girl.

As the second period is about to start, the players come back to their benches but the goalies switch sides.

“Now we get to see all the action” you say while looking to the main face off

“NO MORE STUPID CALLS REF!!” Michael yells while banging on the glass

Other people in your section clap and agree to his comment.

Finally the Canucks score to tie the game in the second period and the goal is by Henrik Sedin assisted by Daniel. His brother.

After puck drop from the main face off the Canucks score another goal but that was called off for goalie interference.

“THAT WAS A GOOD GOAL!!! HE DIDNT TOUCH HIM!!!” it was your turn to leap out of your seat and yell at the ref for the stupid call.

You and Michael both look to the jumbotron to review the play. Over and over they showed the clip and the entire arena cheered because they see the goal is good. The goalie was untouched.

“THATS A GOOD GOAL!!!!” you yell once more

You notice that Michael is chuckling to himself and you look over to him and wonder why he is chuckling to himself.

“Whats so funny?” you ask looking to Michael

“Every time you go frantic over the call, the camera man always points the camera on you” he replies while laughing once more

You look up to the jumbotron once and sure enough, the camera is right on you but soon switches back to the call.

Daniel sees what you are doing and chuckles to himself as he watches you go frantic over the call and appreciates that. For the teams sake.

Back at the room Dean and Sam are having a laugh while watching the game.

“Looks like they are having fun” Dean says while taking a gulp from his beer

“You see that one players eyes glow?” Sam asks pointing to the TV

“No, what they glow?” Dean asks looking to Sam and the TV

“Hope they will have replay and wish these TV’s had the option to pause” Sam says in hopes they will have the replay

Sure enough as they replay the one play is when they both noticed Daniel’s eye glow blue as he chases the puck down.

“It could be the glare from the camera flashes off his visor” Dean says not really thinking of anything

“Maybe” is all Sam says but once the game is over is when he will research this once the game is over

He feels as though an angel is hosting a vessel

They finally rule that the goal is good and the Canucks finally have the tying game

“Well its about time” you say while sitting back down.

As the period ends is when you notice Daniel Sedin skating towards the both of you is when you get all excited once more

“Michael wait for me after the game” Daniel says looking to him

Michael nods and feels something familiar about him

“How do you know Daniel Sedin?” you ask while feeling excited

“I dont but we’ll see how this goes” he says never keeping his eyes off of him.

“Mind staying after the game?” he asks looking to you once he doesnt see him anymore

“Sure, I dont” you reply very quickly

“An angel is using that hockey player as a vessel” Michael says looking to you.

You look to him quickly and couldnt believe what he just said

“Who?” you ask

“Lets get drinks” he says while he leads the way to the vendors

You follow him up the stairs and leads the way to the nearest one. He gets himself a water while you get a coffee.

“You think Daniel is a vessel?” you ask

“Yes I do but I am not sure who is using him as a vessel” he says while the both of you slowly make your back to the seats

“What are we going to do?” you ask while making your way down the stairs

“Well we are going to stay after the game and hear what he has to say” Michael says while taking a sip from his water

“Alright” is you say and the players come back for the third and final period.

Back at the room Sam manages to find a clip from the game and goes through the one play where he saw the glowing blue eyes.

“Hey check this out” Sam says while freezing on the one player that glowed the blue eyes

“Angel? Or something else?” Dean asks once he has the laptop in front of him

“Let me screen print this and I’ll send it to y/n” Sam says cropping out a few things from the screen print.

When he is done, he sends it to you and maybe Michael would know something about it.

“Sent” Sam says while Dean is placing his laptop to the side

“You think y/n can handle this?” Dean asks while looking away from the TV and to Sam

“She has Michael and I am most definitely sure she will call if she needs more help” Sam says looking away from the TV and to Dean

“I knew we should have went to the game with her” Dean says with regret

“Shes fine. She has Michael” Sam reassures him

Its the last minute of the third period and the Canucks are in a comfortable lead. When the final buzzer goes off is when everyone cheers and sighs of relief.

“Well moment of truth” you say as a notification goes off on your phone

You pull out your phone and its a text from Sam. He sent a picture and you open it right away. Its a picture of Daniel Sedin with blue glowing eyes and captions ‘you might be up against something’

You show the text to Michael and he sees what Sam has captured

“Tell him its alright. An angel and I am going to find out more” Michael says while giving you back your phone

“I will send that now” you say while texting back to Sam

“You: We know. Its an angel using him as a vessel. Michael is going to find out who” you hit send

Sam pulls out his phone and reads the text

“Dean, they know. Michael is going to find out more” Sam tells him while Dean was about to get ready

“Find out more as in who the angel is?” Dean asks putting his jacket down.

“Seems that way” Sam says while waiting for another text from you.

They sit in the room patiently waiting. Dean on the other hand just wants to head down to the arena and find out what is going on.

“I dont think we need my brothers right?” you ask after reading the text from Sam

“No, we will be fine” Michael replies while getting up from the seat and heading out

“I will let Sam know that we wont be needing back up” you tell him while sending a quick text.

As the both of you make your way to the players entrance is when a security guard stops Michael. They both have a quick conversation and both look to you. You knew Michael was telling him about what Daniel said and the guard let him through along with you.

“You and Daniel must go way back if its important to meet up with you” the guard says while leading the both of you to the players lounge.

“We sure do. All the way back to Sweden” Michael says while walking beside him

“Alright wait in here and make yourselves comfortable” the guard says and disappears into the players locker room

Well what it appears to be.

“Did you want me to wait in the hall or here?” you ask looking to Michael

“See what hes comfortable with” Michael replies looking to you as he grabs your hand

You smile to the gesture and go close to him as you give him a kiss to the lips.

“I didnt realize you two are bonded” Daniel says as he comes into the lounge

“Yes we are. We have been for a while” Michael looks to him with a faint smile

“I guess Castiel wasnt the only one who is fond of the Winchester’s” Daniel says while walking closer to the both of you.

“Ezekiel” Michael says as Daniel gets closer.

Michael smiles once he realizes who he is, past the vessel.

“Finally you come to realization on who I am” Ezekiel says looking to Michael as he places his hand on his shoulder

“May we have a word in private. Sorry y/n but I’d like to speak to my brother in private” Ezekiel says looking to you

“Sure, I can wait out in the hall. I saw a bench some where down the hall” you reply while smiling to him

“If you just walk out there is another lounge where they serve coffee. Its for the wives and girlfriends” Ezekiel says looking to you.

Instead he leads you to the lounge and sure enough the servers are still there but the room is empty

“Thank you” you tell him

“Not a problem. Ion can take care of you” he says while looking to the server and his eyes glow blue as well.

“Winchester” is all he says and continues doing what he was doing before the both of you walked into the room

“What can I get you?” he asks leaning against the bar

“Coffee” is all you say and he places the order for you.

“You come here with your brothers and Michael?” he asks while serving you the coffee and the cream and sugar

“Well my brothers and I came here for a case and we handled it pretty well. Michael showed up after we cleaned up the mess” you tell him while taking a sip from you coffee and its really good

“Nice. Happy to hear you three cleaned up the mess” he says while wiping down the counter top

“Im glad to see you arent as hostile as the other angels and Ezekiel” you admit while setting your coffee down.

“Well when I heard Castiel was looking for Metatron and seeking retribution. I knew that you Winchester’s would be doing the same with Amara” he says while looking to you.

“After all that why didnt you go back to Heaven like all the angels did?” you ask

“What happen to you? I thought you perished” Michael says as soon as Ezekiel/Daniel enter into the players lounge and takes a seat across from Michael on the arm chair

“Well I didnt get in touch with the other angels because my grace was partially mutilated” he says looking to his hands

“This vessel. How did you come across this athlete?” Michael asks once more

“Well once I found a temporary one, which wasnt holding me well and Daniel Sedin was hospitalized after sustaining a major injury” he replies remembering back to the time he found Daniel in a hospital.

His hockey career was in jeopardy when the injury came along. He wasnt ready to walk away from the game just yet and prayed constantly for a speedy recovery. Until his prayers were sort of answered.

“You didnt force yourself on him?” Michael asks in hopes he wouldnt.

He hoped he wouldnt be the type of abomination to forcefully take a vessel.

“Father no. Once I saw him, I told him who I was and once I asked if I can take him as my vessel. I can heal him and also heal myself. He liked the idea so much he didnt hesitate. He didnt want his hockey career to end” Ezekiel said while looking to Michael.

“How did you get here to Vancouver?” Michael asks never taking his eyes off of Ezekiel

“During the fall, I ended up falling in a park called Stanley Park here in Vancouver” he replies while slightly smiling

“Dean and Sam found out you were something celestial due to the grace glowing during the game” Michael tells him

“Well I guess they arent useless at all” Ezekiel says while chuckling

“You are still doing Heavens work and I cant say anything about that” Michael says while looking around the lounge

He looks to the TV in front of him and notices its on the sports channel showing the replays from earlier games.

“Either way still doing the Lord’s work” he says while his smile never fades

“Daniel is an amazing husband, father and athlete. Something I thought I would never enjoy but I do” Ezekiel says while looking to his hands

“Ezekiel the prophet and now a healer. Always doing whats right, Im extremely proud of you” Michael says while looking back to his brother.

“Thank you” he says while feeling shocked he heard Michael say that.

“And what is of Heaven?” he asks looking to Michael

“Well Heaven is restored but still short of angels. Im in the process of making more but still need to train them. For they are fledglings” Michael replies

“Who is in charge?” he asks curiously

“I left Hannah in charge, she knows what she is doing and she is very trustworthy” Michael says while looking to his brother once more

He wants to ask if he would like to come back to Heaven and train the fledglings during the off season but he gets the feeling he would rather enjoy the time off as Daniel.

“You enjoy the hockey game? Y/n sure did” Ezekiel asks looking to Michael

“Yes I did enjoy the game and it was my first” he replies while chuckling at the thought of your reactions.

“When I found Ezekiel, we had long conversations about going back but in the end we decided to stay earth bound” Ion says looking to you.

You already finished your second cup of coffee and basically enjoying a conversation with an angel.

“How did the both of you find each other?” you ask while tilting your head to the side

Ion looks to you and couldnt help but smile for it reminded him of a certain angel.

“Well it was during training camp last season and I already got this job. I saw him and knew that there something familiar about him” he says while taking the cup from you.

“Your grace” is all you say while holding onto every word he says

“My grace was broken from the fall and being locked out of Heaven but wasnt lost. I could still sense other angels” he says while looking to you.

“Wow and now you work as a server at the Rogers Arena and attend to the wives and girlfriends of the team” you say while smiling

“By night yes. By day I work as a librarian” he says while finishing cleaning his station

“I always wanted to work in a library but with these monsters out there. I couldnt” you tell him while following his every movements.

“Are you and Michael bonded?” he asks being curios about the both of you being together at the hockey game

“Yes we are. We have been for a while, well after he escaped the cage and some how he lead himself to the bunker” you tell him while remembering those days

It felt like a life time ago

“After the release of the darkness is when he got out of the cage. Not escaped” he corrects you.

“How was that even possible anyway?” you ask while you never got the chance to ask Michael yourself

“Well the cage is only meant to hold Lucifer and if any being is ever released to earth is when the warding is weakened for Michael” he says while remembering the testaments as a fledgling.

“So thats how he got out of the cage” you say in a hushed tone

“Well it was good seeing you and speaking with you. I think its time I head home” Ezekiel says while getting up from the arm chair

“Like wise. I think Dean and Sam are anxiously waiting for our return to the room” Michael says as they both walk out of the lounge and into the lounge you are in.

You look to the door and see the both of them walk in with smiles on their faces.

“I take it was a good reunion then” you say while looking to them

“Yes it is” Ezekiel says looking to you.

“Well it was good the both of you and hope to meet up again soon” Michael says while looking to his brothers

“I hope as well. Never know we can be fighting side by side once more” Ion says while waving the both of you off.

Finally Michael zaps the both of you back to the room.

Dean and Sam look to the both of you. Once they land their eyes on you is when they both begin to laugh.

You give a sour look at them and makes them laugh even more.

“Why are you guys laughing?” you ask while taking your jacket off and placing it over the chair

“We saw you go nuts on camera during that one play there” Dean says while finally containing his laughing.

“Oh geez” you reply while sinking into the chair

“Anyways, how was your evening guys?” you ask while getting up and getting beers from the fridge and giving everyone

“Well we didnt get the chance to do the things we wanted but we are going to do them tomorrow” Sam says while opening his beer

“Dean I will go fishing with you” you say while looking to him

“Sam, I will go to the farmers market with you. And actually tell you what is organic” Michael says looking to Sam

“Thanks, Im good with that” he replies while smiling to him

“Me and baby girl spending some much needed time” Dean says as he sits next to you and wraps his arm around your neck.

“Awesome” you smile to him while looking to Michael.

“So the angel taking a vessel. Who was it? And who was the vessel?” Sam asks looking to Michael

“Ezekiel, he is taking a Daniel Sedin as a vessel” Michael replies while looking to Sam

“How did he end up using him as a vessel?” Dean asks finishing off his beer

“Well after the fall and him almost loosing his grace. He heard Daniel’s prayer and went to the hospital. He sustained a career ending injury but when Ezekiel told him who he was and immediately said yes about taking him as a vessel” Michael continues while remembering his story.

“While Ezekiel was healing Daniel, he was also healing himself and while Daniel healed. He felt younger while playing the game and wanted Ezekiel to say longer” Michael adds while looking between Dean and Sam

“So he never wanted to go back to Heaven?” Sam asks

“No, he didnt have any interest in going back to Heaven at all” Michael replies looking to you.

“Are there other angels taking vessels in other leagues?” Dean asks looking to Michael

“I have no idea. Ezekiel didnt mention anything” Michael replies while thinking back to their conversation.

“Well I am going to check out the bar and even get myself a labatt” Dean smiles as he mentions the Canadian beer.

You immediately think of Bobby, the time he told you and your brothers the story of taking a case in Saskatchewan and celebrating with labatts with a fellow hunter.

You loved how Michael liked to hang around with your brothers, even though it was a bad start but that faded once the darkness came along.

Michael enjoyed the time with you at the hockey game and loved every moment of it. For once there was no hunting involved or the talks of monsters or angels killing each other. It was a good evening.

The break that you all some what needed and it was a great one.

[hyyunjinn]

idk I sort of just want to talk about hyunjin (this is not at all cohesive and i’m just really emotional so read at your own risk)

what really has been bothering me is that I’ve seen so many tweets saying that he’s more than just a visual—more than just his looks

and to think that people have to remind some stans about this,,, actually that’s not what I want to say, more like, the fact that people only like him for his looks?

I know we have this problem with Felix too but I just want to talk about Hyunjin.

I’ll admit the first time I watched Hellevator and he came on, I immediately screamed “oOH HE’S CUTE HE’S MY BIAS” as a joke but I wasn’t set on him being my bias. I chose hwanghyunjinnie as my url bc i always thought those solo member urls are cute compared to the group names (like ahsgahha is xbxngtxnsboys, ssvtss, or starsforastro cute? nO, i’m just attached to those names now haha) so I picked him. I was really hesitant on biasing him because all I knew was that he’s my age and is the visual/part of dance line. I legit thought I would later become Jisung biased.

Also the fact that he’s born in 2000 really threw me off as a potential bias because agsghsjaaj boys my age lmao

but anyways, I thought he was cute and as I kept listening to Hellevator, I really liked the way he fluctuates his voice, even if Jisung’s following rap stood out to me more because it sounded like Rocky’s.

So episode one came around and the one I completely fell for is Minho (and kept side eyeing Felix haha) and I was???? really close to??? biasing Minho? i mentioned so many times in my tags early on about how cute minho is (and the fact that he dances to bts is a big yes from me) yet there was always something that pulled me back to Hyunjin.

but tbh, since I called myself a Hyunjin stan from day one, idk when I really fell for him? like, I like him and my heart legit goes 💘💗💘💘💘💘💖 every time he does something, but the fact that

idk

idk what i want to say

i just really like him and while i know my friends and i joke about me swerving to minho’s lane all the time and i keep getting called out for it,

I really like hyunjin it sort of hurts.

my twt group chat was talking about their first biases and so many people dropped hyunjin, i don’t, idk it sort of hurt seeing that haha

like obviously it’s not their fault but because so many people found out how they ended up biasing someone else and—i guess the way they were joking about how they all dropped hyunjin,,? IDK MY MEMORY IS PROBABLY FAILING ME BUT I THINK I SAW SOMETHING ABOUT HYUNJIN’S PERSONALITY NOT RETAINING THEIR ATTENTION OR SOMETHING??? GUYS IF YOURE READING THIS, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT I’M JUST RANTING

but yeah

I guess I’m just really afraid of how people are treating Hyunjin only as the visual. Like a decoration.

Or maybe I’m just really afraid I’m liking him for the same shallow reason.

and the fact that i just, hype of minho all the time, idk i do this thing where i never talk about my bias so it seems like i bias someone else

and all i say is how cute hyunjin is

idk i aort of want to cry as i write this but

I

Like

Hyunjin

so much I can’t even make myself use the word love because I feel like it doesn’t match this situation?/he doesn’t deserve my love?/idk?

Like,

I love his laugh and how it’s like a giggle or a loud noise comes out and then he’s laughing

and I love his scrunched up face when he’s smiling brightly and how his eyes curve

I also love how hardworking he is. He’s so determined to improve and pursue his dreams and he’s still so humble about it. This kid wakes up at 5 to go to school??????? and according to woojin their practices end really late? And all those times we’ve seen him practicing his pronunciation and I love how he went to Changbin for advice—

AND HE’S SUCH A NERD FOR DANCE OMG AHSHSHAJAJSBXB like 1) he’s enrolled in dance for sopa? that’s pretty amazing 2) i remember how much he wanted to dance for the 3:3:3 mission but he couldnt and he was lowkey salty about that 3) he looks s o o o happy when he’s dancing

during thw yg battle? he couldnt stop smiling and was such a happy sht when they executed the performance flawlessly. and that spot kids of him teaching chan? I WATCHED IT SO MANY TIMES IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY but shahsgbsjas he’s so passionate even when he’s laughing as he’s practicing

ALSO HE LEANED CLOSER TO INSPECT A MOVE THE YG GROUP DID DURING THEIR PERFORMANCE AND I THIUGHT THAT WAS SO CUTE BECAUSE SAME

and this kid never stops wiggling or tapping his feet or dancing to himself it’s hella endearing

the moles under his eyes are really cute too 😞 i want to kiss them so badly

what I really hate though was the fact that he was smiling for Felix and that really hurt. he was crying but he wanted to cheer Felix up and sdfsadfghfd it was like watching Minho smile until Chan hugged him u g h

he can be pretty savage but I feel like that’s how he shows everyone he cares for them? I do the same thing so I think it’s sorta cute but some people might take it the wrong way and

yeah

honestly idk where I’m going with this because I lost my train of thought but

um

there’s also a concern of mine about him with the title of visual? i’ve seen him get sexualized a lot already and, i dont want that to happen anymore but it keeps happening and a piece of me dies a little inside because,,,, it’s so wrong and he doesn’t deserve this and the fact that he’s the visual there are some implications lkjfasdfasdf 

idk

that spot kids featuring him yesterday really hit me

i really like him and idk what to do or how to feel about it

he’s improved so much from what we’ve seen and he’s so passionate but he’s also really kind and funny and caring and yes he has the looks but he’s so much more than that and I hope people see it because it’s all I can see but I don’t know how to express it

AS CHEESY AS IT SOUNDS

my eyes always look for him and my heart swells every time he smiles and i smile like an idiot when I hear his improvement and i just want to let him know that I really appreciate him and

tbh

i don’t think any idol has made me t h i s soft hahah it’s bad

i got it bad

and i really want him to know he’s more than just the visual and that he’s talented and that people should appreciate him and not just mention his visuals

it’s like eunwoo--or all of astro tbh--again,, all visuals, no mention of the other things that make up them

ugh he makes me so happy i really just want to scream at him to stop 

i lost my train of thought again

idk should i even conclude this

i can’t even think straight lmao

what was i even gonna say about this

what was the point of this?

idk maybe i just needed to get this off my chest and i don’t really know who to rant to so uh

thanks for reading this nonsense this far? i guess? 

[weeniewrites]

OKAY ONE LAST POST BECAUSE IM ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AT NOT TALKING

its a more serious one though, so if you dont wanna see me be more personal go ahead and skip i dont mind. im gonna ramble abt the shame i feel with having sadistic thoughts and fears of sexual agency, and kinda, sex in general, maybe some self destructive behaviors? kinda honestly putting my soul out there. its a bit of a vent post. im not having a bad night or anything, just thinking a lot, and want to get those thoughts out of my head

i, really outta do some research on actual sadism or just, see other people who have similar thoughts cause ill admit i feel a lot of guilt about it. like id never, ever, EVER want to hurt another person, and the idea of even spanking someone consensually is very scary to me

but this isnt a new thing for me, some of the first things i found arousing as a kid involved pain. i was fascinated by inuyashas blood covered hands, and rewatched part of a youtube letsplay over and over and over again just to hear the noise link made when he got injured again. same with part of that animated 2ne1 music video where the villain grimaces when his car gets hit. these are really vivid memories for me so like, i know this isnt some suddenly new thing for me. (im also repulsed by gore but can also find it beautiful in art, and writing violent stuff is therapeutic for me but can be REALLY triggering if im reading it)

and i dont know if that sorta, anti kink purity culture thing the internets been moving towards has contributed? to that shame i feel, or if thats just my empathy acting up. because i really do care strongly for people, basically every person i ever meet. and i, sort? of understand the appeal of masochism myself, and i definitely understand the appeal of domming. but i dont understand how to control a scene, how to start up a scene, how to monitor the subs mental state, how to even take that control in the first place because even imagining doing that scares me so, so fucking badly

so i write noncon dom stuff, so i dont have to figure out how to get them there, or how to keep them safe, and i get to satisfy that deep hidden desire to scratch and claw and smile and laugh at someone shaking and crying in fear. or if its soft, just taking care of them and loving them and being loved and needed i can imagine companionship in the only way i understand how, through sex. ive had very few long lasting close friendships, ive never had a crush, and honestly im not, sure? i enjoy sex? like i like being touched but once i have to do it back i get really scared (unless we take things really slow, but im also very inexperienced). i just like being desired, or honestly getting touch of any kind and thats the only way i know how to ask for it

and i kinda, only realized that fear recently. i dont think i had it when i was 18 and I was just starting to interact with people online. but back then i wouldve never dreamed of flirting with anyone either. (had that fuckin trauma BOY HOWDY)

um, to bring this around to what brought these thoughts out, a while ago i was flirting with a friend, we just did that for fun absolutely no sexual or romantic intentions involved. and they told me about how sore they were and i responded back with a grin and giggle and a growl and a laugh and said all the different ways id love to bend and prod them to make it worse because, well, I’m a sadist. and they liked it. i got dizzy with how much i enjoyed that teasing. i literally started slurring my words and had to stop because i couldnt talk anymore, just drool and lay in a warm fuzzy heap of satisfied feelings.

and then afterwards we talked for a bit and as i calmed down and came back to myself i just, i felt like i was going to burst out of my skin, shakey and unsteady, head buzzing, nearly obsessive with the need to tell them i’d never hurt them and make sure i hadnt. so i told them. tried to keep control of myself but i cried. i was near fucking inconsolable. i was terrified i made them uncomfortable, went too far though everything was consensual and it was just flirting, not even explicit! teasing at the maximum! we’d said far spicier things before! they knew i’d never hurt them never want to hurt them never dream of hurting them. and i still cried. i felt wrong. i felt mean i felt horrible, and i’d enjoyed it

and im still a sadist, i find specific kinds of pain arousing, i dont like scarring or blood, preferring discomfort over all, and occasionally i write much much darker content that i dont find sexually appealing, but helps me get out my anger and other emotions i dont know how to process otherwise, and sometimes its just, fun? i know i dont want to hurt people, and i know these things are helpful for me, but i still feel shame

honestly a lot of the kinks or fetishes i used to like, im not sure if i do anymore, either because i just, dont, or ive realized theyre not as acceptable as i once thought, or theyre just not as common online anymore. and i dont feel comfortable sharing them, whether out of fear of rejection, or of making someone else uncomfortable. considering some of the stuff i enjoy imagining or writing i cant read myself. thats, kindof a weird contrast isnt it? (but that might also be because when i was younger, much younger, id read very dark fics, or angst, or look at gore, animal death, death and the nearly dying, as a form of self harm, purposefully seeking out what i knew would trigger me just to keep me dissociating for as long as possible so i wouldnt have to feel, and i’ll admit this is still a mild problem for me, but ive gotten leagues, leagues LEAGUES better. and i try very hard to heed warnings, because i know no one would want me to do that with their works)

cant i just have fun, do i have to have all these shames and memories to go along with this kind of stuff. whyd i find it when i was younger. why do i so closely associate porn and sex with pain when ive never really stopped consuming it. why cant i admit i just want to be held and told im important and enough instead of imagining getting dicked down by men who i both wouldnt be attracted to irl and be scared of

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 2 | “GET ME OUT OF HERE ” - Devon

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which is uploading where i basically talked about dealing with being a winner/the tomb and having an idol/potentially wanting to go to tribal pre-swap/deliberately choosing the puzzle/how much i love jake so that'll come at some point after this but just KNOW that came first. anyway just wanted to talk MORE because i have more thoughts. last round i was really conscious of needing to micro-manage my threat level and i think im putting in work to do that? im very concious that i cant play the same game as montenegro because im coming into it from a very different perspective/position. However, one thing I can do this season is transfer my prejury game, because i think it still works. What I need to do is to some extent take a backseat, where I'm not actively messaging people first, and keeping game talk kinda limited (but acknowledging it when people talk to me). Like I have the safety cushion of my idol, and my connection to jake/jordan, and to some extent dan and lovelis? like im not gonna be a target (touch wood) and hopefully if i am my men tm going to keep an eye out for me.... hopefully? it also means im not gonna be pushy about votes im gonna hear names and run with it (as long as its not jake/jordan, or lovelis tbh i get real good vibes from him). but yeah id really love the beauty tribe to go to tribal this round ive literally never spoken to a single one of them so i'd love one of that tribe that is a complete unknown quantity to go home DJDKLFSF. but yis so im feeling good taking a backseat but im gonna ejector seat myself forwards at some point, just got to figure out when to push the button

Okay so Bodhi left last night and that was really sad. We had nice conversations but i told him that if the rest of the tribe wanted him out i wasn't going to campaign for him. He ended up making his rounds but at the end of the day, no one felt strongly about keeping him. He speaks so well that it took me a night's rest to get my head straight. Also Trace got an alliance together of himself, myself, Scott and Isaac. Bitch i was SHOOK! I am so glad to be likable enough to be brought into someone else's core. So this kind of perfectly positioned myself and Scott between 2 alliances. I believe we're both more loyal to the one we formed before we found out we were going to tribal, but who knows. I did tell Autumn of the news because i figure if we were to lose again. Whichever of Isaac of Trace remains is going to feel on bottom and blow up that Scott and I were two-timing the DADS. Btw that is the dumbest alliance name I have ever been a part of but whatever. The rat pack has also formed and now him and I are in a good spot. I will say that i am nervous that MISS ALYSSA spoke the comparison into existence, but i really hope we don't continue to flop like Luzon did on Cagayan. But hey! If Denise can go to every tribal council in one season and win, maybe i can too. (PS i pissed myself with my score in winterbells but also F*CK WINTERBELLS, thats all, ty) 

Honestly I’m really regretting not participating in this challenge because I feel like our scores are.......not great. I feel like I could have turned out the puzzle and even winterbells. The flag Lovelis made is super cute and i think will fair well bc it’s very clean and neat. It’s not super creative, but it’s definitely well made. I think even if we went to tribal I would be okay though. Liam seems like an easy enough boot for us. No one seems that dazzled by his contributions to the tribe. 

i literally am the biggest clown who ever clowned for continuing to overdo it in challenges, if i'm allowed to make it to merge at this point it will literally be a miracle.

So Bodhi left on a unanimous vote yesterday and I'm glad that it worked out as planned! I definitely felt bad lying to him about it all and stuff, but I think it was the best for the tribe going forward. What does suck however is that we lost AGAIN! And it was actually close this time! I'm actually annoyed that we lost this time because I submitted my challenge at 4PM and the reason why we lost was because the last submission was at 8 :/ like... y'all couldn't get it in any earlier? Plus I'm annoyed because I find myself in the swing position between the DADS and The Rat Pack. Personally I don't trust Trace after finding out he tried to play the Rat Pack off as my idea when it was really his all along. To me, it shows that he'd betray me later on down the line. And the only purpose for "The Rat Pack" is so they feel like they're in the majority. So since we lost, I don't mind voting out Trace. Duncan and I called to confirm that we're on the same page. We also found out that Devon is telling us the same things about loyalty and allegiances and I don't like that. He also told Duncan that he would throw immunities and play idols for him if he needed it, and that Duncan was his number 1 ally. But he said the same exact thing to me. So... that has me a little sketch. But I also think that Autumn/Duncan are a close pair, so I may need to stick close to Devon for the long hall. But if Autumn/Duncan think I'm more with them than Devon, I'll take it. I'm supposed to go on call with the Dads soon. Duncan wants to tell them about the rat alliance so that Isaac doesn't use it as motive to get us out. Which i agree that it'd be a good idea as long as devon/autumn stick with us. Duncan and I both feel like Devon might be thrown off since he always likes to be in control, but not actually being in charge. So we'll need to do damage control when that happens. But for now it seems like Trace is going unless things change. If things go how I would want it to, then Trace leaves tomorrow. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JKqH3EQMlugIe-lwHMYMG2qoVZ7dvIzr/view?usp=sharing

Omg!!!!! Another win that makes me so happy . The tribe is all getting along great and I couldnt all for better ppl. I'm hoping soon to get some kind of solid group together. Kendell adam and amiry are ppl I def wanna work with long term at the time. Just gotta see what happens. 

Not much has been happening lately so I might be able to keep this short and not ramble on and on like i usually do (ill still end up writing a novel probably) yippy yay it's day 5 and everything is still all smiles and giggles over here because we've won yet another immunity!! kinda boring tbh but obviously im happy we won immunity because now that buys me one more day and at the end of it that's all i care about. I kinda did want the brauns to go to tribal however instead of the brains because i just really would like my beauties to get a nice foot hold and a lead in the game, i actually enjoy taking to some of these people, and im trying my best to talk to as many people as i can, which anyone who knows me knows isn't the easiest thing for me, i was reading some of my old confessionals from both my past games and the one thing i consistently got dragged for was not being as present with people, which granted i did improve a lot on last time around for sure, but i still got work to do and im realizing that more each day when i have no urge whatsoever to talk to anyone (don't worry, it's not you, it's (crippling depression) me! I understand socializing is part of the game and i do think my social game is my strongest asset but to me i like to think of my social game as a more distinct kind, im more elusive and i like to be that, if you leave them wanting more dahling they'll keep you around, i dont like to show all my cards, and that's a quality that i reflect in both survivor and life, and it has advantages and disadvantages in both but ANYWHO despite all that dare i say i think im still doing *decent* ? I'm making it a priority to reach out at least once a day to *most people (AJ, Augusto, Amir, Austin) are the ones ive probably had some of the best conversations with where it was the most natural and just flowed you know, and still is on day 5, and with kendall ive had some talks with her i do like her but idk i get this vibe she's kinda holding back when talking to me, and ESPECIALLY same with connor? we only had one private conversation and he gave me about a 3 word response, and if you havent guessed by now i like elaboration or at least a lil bit of personality when you talk, no shade just an observation, so that's a small red flag im very much a person who matches energy, one of my go to's in survivor is being open to the possibility of anything, ill always work with anyone who will work with me, and i think thats how everyone should play so hopefully the people ive been talking a lot to feel similar but i guess we'll have to wait until a vote of some sort to see about all that.. I still havent heard any idol talk or even game talk quite frankly so im guessing people are just still keeping the friendly facade up..... or ...... is it me?? am i the one on the outs looking like boo boo the fool or is that just my paranoia getting to me??? im not gonna send myself into a tizzy about getting voted out when we're not even going to tribal i- lemme calm down. If i had to guess I'd say Kendall, Connor, or Amir have the idol probably but sounds like a mystery for another day because im DONE im clocking out for the night until other people wanna wake up and play the game too oop final note: ok but it would be sick and twisted if it turns out they are all playing the game just without me and im the first boot of the tribe 

Waking up on this glorious Day 5 with a new perspective. I originally applied to be on the brains tribe and was shook when I got brawn because let’s face it, my arms are akin to overcooked spaghetti noodles. BUT my tribe is so much stronger than the brains. I’m hoping for a big name to go to shake things up. AND I’m not really looking to swap onto a tribe with Trace or Autumn due to our past game history. Love them both dearly, but it’s gonna be a no from me. 

okie so! update from me is i think im doing okay. like i think the benefit of no dua lipa cave is you can just build connections with everyone, you aren't voting someone out every round so why not capitalise on that? i'm so afraid of the fact that i'm overdoing it in challenges like i really need to calm. down. but im reassuring myself with the fact that in the first challenge i only was top because i did like... one more thing than others like its not thattt big of a deal? my puzzle time was clownery but hopefully people don't pay attention to it? im getting very anxious about overdoing it in challenges, but my thought process now is like. i need to act like people have an awareness of it, without getting kinda consumed by my anxiety about it? idk im hoping since most of these people don't know me, they wont notice me doing good in the challenge but truly who can be sure also am really just liking my tribe? like jake is ofc a king, i love jordan (who im gonna talk to later, he is the only one i feel like i have to talk to today), i also really like TJ who i was super harsh on at the start for no reason, i get good ally vibes from lovelis, liam m is super sweet even tho he is kinda inactive and dan is so fun (plus he told jake that he speaks to me one of the most so we love that!!). i've been trying to figure out what i even do about a lot of the super old school players that i have no connection/point of reference with? like people like scott, adam, kendall, aj i have truly no basis with? thats whats so scary about a swap, is at this point in the game i know 10/20 people left aka the brawn tribe + duncan/isaac/autumn, and like 10/20 isnt bad... BUT then the other 10 aka the beauty tribe + trace/scott/devon i have literally no connection to which is super scary JAKSDFA. im just real afraid of a swap. just swap me with jordan/jake/autumn/isaac PLEATHE. im just a pile of anxiety this season idk what to do im like frozen because of how scared i am... maybe it'll be all fine

Well, that was a close one. I struggled with that comp all day and I feel like absolute shit that I only got our team that 1 point. To me, it's inexcusable not to have be able to help my tribe as I wanted to contribute and make sure I made my worth known. So now I'm just this paranoid mess that I would have been in trouble had we gone to tribal. It's been hard to talk to some of these people or for most of those who I do talk to, I just don't really know where there head is at. I'm not sure if this is just a really guarded tribe, or if I really should be concerned. So I don't know what to do just yet. And that's not a feeling I like when playing TS.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sad that Bodhi left the game like he was so active pre-season so I was expecting him to do his best to go super far and maybe he did? I don’t know, but I did want a chance to actually get to play with him in TS but we keep passing each other by! I hope he is doing good despite how he might feel being the first boot yknow but yeah <3 

The way I absolutely flopped with the idol system stuff is all types of funny and sad at the same time like I REALLY thought I did something only for it to be part of the challenge… That being said, Amir did tell me that he has a theory the idol system might be based on numbers which is interesting! I am super thankful he decided to tell me and we went on this long talk about how we are each other’s #1s which is super cute! I really do trust Amir and I do want to go far with him because he’s awesome but that being said, my #1 is me like I promised myself that I’d be selfish this time around just because being the selfless person I am hasn’t gotten me a win but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We did go over a lot of stuff in terms of tribe dynamics and we both kinda agreed that AJ would be the first boot from the time if we went to tribal, we like our alliance with Kendall/Connor, we both like Adam and we both think Austin is sweet/genuine even if we don’t talk to him tons so yay for that too <3

I am SO trying to sell the fact that me and Kendall are a duo to Kendall which is funny to me idk hjfkds like she did approach me super early on about aligning but I do have the tiniest feeling she did that to mostly everyone but I’m trying to pin us with each other to her so she trusts me more, especially since I do feel as though she is the best connected on the tribe. I even called us Crystal Cox (me bc blazing speed and challenge flop ofc) and Ken(dell) ghfjdksl, I’m doing the most but yeah, I just want Kendall to see me as her #1 in the game on the off chance anything happens yknow?

Austin thinks I’m his #1 which is really sweet? I do like Austin even if it is hard to talk to him sometimes but hey, that happens. He told me that he’s really glad I’m on this tribe (which I have heard from basically everyone especially Adam and Amir which makes me feel cute omg) and that we might need to get a group going soon. I was like…. Tea but I also don’t know how quickly I want to get an alliance including Austin going just because it’s like… do I reveal that Austin and I are close-ish and be seen as a social threat? That just ain’t cute sis! But yeah, Austin told me he also really likes Kendall and Amir and that’s awesome that the two people I feel the closest to are ALSO doing THAT but at the same time, I want to be the one doing THAT the most because I’m greedy (by Ariana Grande) so it’s something to keep in mind! 

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Ugh fineeeee since I've been called out... by myself. I guess I'll do the bare minimum. So we won immunity!!!! Wooo!!!!!! Low-key though through out the entire process of making the flag, I just kept thinking darn I wish we voted out someone last tribal because drawing 7 people is annoying... watch me get voted out next tribal council lol. That would be quality foreshadowing. Today I have two goals. 1. Figure out what the method of entering the tomb. I intend on getting in contact with Augusto or Connor for that one. Augusto because he is low-key my number one. Connor because I feel if anyone can solve it he probably could. 2. Set up group chat with me, Augusto, and Austin. So Austin can feel a false sense of reassurance and Augusto and I have options. Write more later maybe.

Honestly im feeling kind of trepidatious going forward which is a little wierd, i just dont feel like ive gotten my footing yet in this game. I think like, im in a good spot to be fine on this tribe because of my social game and how I contribute in challenges, but I dont know if I feel good about anything longterm just yet. What really is bothering me is the tomb. Its gonna be round 3 tonight and I haven't made any more progress on getting in than I have night one. I feel like I have a lot of pieces to this puzzle but nothing is fitting together and its bothering me. I'm also a little upset that if we lose, I could see Liam being the target and I can't see my self risking my position to save him if he cant save himself. He has my name on his wiki page its an obvious association to me, and while I think hed be loyal to me, I'm just wondering honestly if him as an ally is worth the target it may bring. Im cautiously moving through the beginning of this game with a lot of unnease and hopefully I find some steady ground soon.

I am annoyed that we are yet again at tribal. I played so fucking hard at winter bells but of course someone on another tribe got like 238593277 billion which threw us back into tribal... So annoying truthfully. But it's alright, I should be able to make it out alive. I want Devon to go home. But I also don't want to let my guard down. This vote is important for a few reasons. The first reason is that our tribe is very close, so I am nervous that lines are going to be drawn in the sand. The second is that, after this vote, we will be down to five, making 3 the majority. We have an alliance of 4, and lord knows that when you are down to 5, whoever feels like 3 and 4 of the alliance are most likely going to try and rope in the 5th person to get rid of each other. So my plan is to make Isaac and Scott BOTH feel as though they are my number 1s so that they actually stick to our alliance of 4 thinking that I will be keeping them both if we lose again. This is the only way that i can see it working, but idk. I feel bad if Devon ends up going because he's a nice guy, but we have to make choices about strengthening our team, and then I have to make a choice about strengthening my place in the game. Hopefully this doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

Things have been going pretty well for my tribe! We won the first immunity challenge and that really seemed to boost tribe morale. Granted, these past couple of days I've been quiet since I'm trying to boost grades that are literally 0s into something manageable before I graduate hehe. I've tried to keep up with people through small conversations, which seems to work better for me at the moment until I get myself together. Adam wants to create an alliance with Augusto and Amir, which I'm totally for. I understand, though, that he doesn't wanna do it immediately since there's really no urgency to? We didn't go to tribal, so why did it matter! That excuse aside, I do hope that us holding our breath to say something doesn't bite us in the ass because these are people I want to work with! I wanna get something going with Kendall as well hopefully, since I adore her! Earlier, I stated that Adam and I (Adam, really) found our way into the tomb and both flopped in the questions. Adam took another stab at it and found out we've been bamboozled! Someone beat us to the punch and has whatever contents were inside the tomb. I'm assuming it was an idol, but who knows what else is in there! It kinda made me lose motivation to keep searching inside but when in Rome? I'll probably end up trying again despite knowing the end result just because I wanna prove I can be a smart cookie as well. I also didn't gloss over this but I'll mention it really quickly, but I'm sad Bodhi went! He was one of the few people I was familiar with on the other tribes so it's unfortunate we aren't going to be able to connect with each other this game. A king has fallen. In lighter and more recents events, my tribe crushed the second immunity challenge. Kendall stunned with her artistry and I'm still gushing over how cute everyone's character was. I kinda like decimated Winterbells, but I've always been good at the game, and Amir did really well in the scavenger hunt. Augusto and Austin did really well in the puzzle also, despite their lack of confidence in offering a strong performance. We appear to be THEE tribe to beat honestly and I'm loving that. I love our tribe! I LOVE OUR TRIBE! It really would be a tragedy if we aren't able to keep up this win streak we're manifesting. 

Sorry for not writing this sooner! Been having a bad depressive episode for the last couple days and it makes me unmotivated to write c': I feel like a flop so far in this game, not because I submit shit scores, but because I find it exhausting to connect with some of these people. They're all very nice in their own special ways, but interacting w some is like pulling teeth, and I guarantee they feel the same about me, which I would expect. That being said, I hope we keep winning, cause I don't have the energy to go to tribal right now.

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Thank God we won that based on the tiebreaker, but yikes I didn't think my flag would've tanked so hard. Guess I've gotta get better at perfecting my craft huh, but at least we're safe. I feel nervous on this tribe to be honest, because I think I'm the second to bottom on the totem pole after the other Liam, so it isn't reassuring that if we lose twice I'll either be gone, or I could even be gone at our first tribal if he's got a solid alliance going...the only alliance I have right now is with Jordan and I don't really know where I sit with everyone else, but I'm afraid of overplaying... ugh so annoying! I think I just need to force a couple of game related conversations with people to build up some trust, just hope it wouldn't paint a target on my back for trying I guess...

oh gorl, some of these people on my tribe really think im just the clown of the tribe and cant put two and two together, well guess what, IM NOT. So Amir messages me, which nothing out of the ordinary there, ive been talking to him every day so far for the most part like i said we're a little familiar with each other from our pasts, but i was VERY surprised today at what had happened... what had happened was....he starts talking the smallest bit of game with me, basically he just said, "is it me or is everyone really quiet here?" and so i just agreed with him and i said yeah i dont think people are talking game yet which is a little weird, and then i threw the TINEST tea crumpet out there and i said "yeah ive talked to some people so easily like you, but then there's others who.....i cant say the same for" and i was absolutely hinting at connor/kendall just because i havent had the longest convos with them, which no biggie, but THEN about 20 minutes later i get a message from CONNOR of all people saying "hey adam!" ..... obviously im glad to talk to him and im all for getting to know everyone, but my instincts immediately went off and told me it's a little sus....how not even a few minutes ago i was saying how some people never talk to me and then out of no where the one person i was mainly talking about messages me?? Coincidences don't exist in survivor. Now I really have no choice but to think that amir in someway mentioned to connor that i said theres some people i havent talked to at all and that he probably needed to work on that.. which is true, but cmon. i know the tribe brain cell is missing but at least put a little thought into this and message me later tonight or not right after i say it?? I'm not sure if they have any type of past connection and while I definitely do wanna keep building my relationship with Amir, this will definitely make me question him a little bit at least until i see how some votes fall when we eventually go to tribal. Amir also told me he's had the most convos with Augusto, which is funny because thats exactly how both me and aj feel about augusto, which tells me augusto is really playing the game rn, and while thats someone i want to work with, it's also someone i need to be extremely careful with if we're still playing together down the road. plot twist: connor messaging me has absolutely nothing to do with amir and i just made this whole conspiracy for nothing but idk.... it's a conspiracy IM interested in.

***last add on because i forgot to say how the hell im gonna HANDLE this amir/connor situation... im keeping my eyes on it incase theyre in kahoots and also if they think im that dumb then clearly they havent watched me play before, which is great for me but bad for them, you cant trick a trickster try all you want, There's nothing I love more than being underestimated in survivor because it kinda makes it a little easier to play and gives me more options, so sure ill keep up my fake smiles and act like we're all fine and dandy, ill play dumb and wont even act like im onto them but i absolutely am and ill be ready to make my move the second it seems right 

Ugh I feel so DIRTY. I feel so GROSS. Poor Devon, truly. I spoke with Autumn and told her about Devon, and she was in without a fight and told me that it should be 5-1. And then Devon came to me and was like... we all good for the vote tonight? And I'm like ................yes? Lol. I'm good, you're probably not. ugh, this is the part of this game that I hate. I want to never lose immunity ever again, let someone else break someone else's heart!

Something about Kendall is so chaotic and terrifying and I can’t put a finger on why.her aligning was her talking to me for the first time in a day saying “let’s align” and created an alliance chat without even asking who else should be in it which leads me to believe her Augusto and Connor already have a trio and I was the 4th. Are all these focking people playing me?? Like i still cant tell if this is a real alliance but i want to believe it is and not a bluff to vote me out. But also like why even do that, the only person on this cast that I trust and have played with, bodhi, has just been voted out. I’m a free agent and I can help that alliance make it far in the game, but they also have lots of relationships on other tribes so like I might not even be that valuable to them. I mentioned to Augusto about the numbers on the blog, hoping to create more trust because I really really love him and want to trust him but I’m still just so damn unsure. if we lose this immunity and I get one bad signal from any of those 3, if they slip up even once, I won’t hesitate to align and gather the minority. But if they are playing me properly, then kudos to them! 

I am just happy i have the idol i am going to put it in my ass. 

me when the brains tribe only has 5 members left http://prntscr.com/s8y76g

You know what? https://66.media.tumblr.com/b7b4accba586ad321141b6ba80d69044/tumblr_omule3fwZC1w1swfno1_250.gifv I'm mad but I'm not tight because that same alliance that Duncan and I orchestrated is the same alliance that will get us through. So do I enjoy going to tribal? No. And do I enjoy knowing that Trace created an alliance w/ everyone except me and Devon? No. But the Dads will prevail and I trust Scott and the gang. I mean Ducnan is family so as long as we don't go it's fine. But Devon is my baby so absolutely gotta kill for him. That's what keep em close hahaha But no the Trace vote is a dream come true that I only crossed my mind once and STILL got manifested. Like Duncan suggested it and I said you got it because Trace will be the FIRST to rally all the white boys against me in a swap. Cute or not, Trace will kill me I'm convinced. Like something in my spirit told me not to trust Trace and low and behold: Duncan reveals that alliance to me on Day 3. So confirmed, Trace is leaving so that I don't fall to the bottom of the tribe. But it's all good- Isaac listens to Fleetwood Mac and watches Schitt's Creek so he's a good guy. And Scott is literally a cinammon roll who's too busy to snitch or flip. I don't have time to discuss how much I love Duncan or Devon so we're tabling that. Anyway If y'all need me I'll be doing this 4 part immunity challenge that determines whether I make Final 3 in the other org I'm in so try not to need me lmao

okay so... we aren't going to tribal but its still kinda messy on brawn beach. i kinda have felt this energy for a while, but i don't think jake and jordan have enough trust between the two of them for us to be a continual three person alliance. jake is a very reactive, gut-impulse kind of player which is honestly to his benefit since he is super perceptive. however that also means he is quick to be anxious about stuff in the game, which is the same as me and that is why we click. BUT. he thinks something is up with dan/jordan and honestly i see that and feel it. jordan keeps hinting at dan being the one to loop in and i think that does say something about them having some sort of game dynamic. however, jordan is maybe downplaying that relationship which is scary KLAF tbh i still like jordan and wanna work with him, but i do 100% have to keep tabs on him, his social connections could definitely become a problem if he has other priorities over me! so i think i just have to make sure im a continuing priority for him, so i have to find some sort of information to bring to him (maybe when dan proposes the alliance of me/jordan/jake/dan to me ill run to jordan and be like hey did dan suggest this to you how do you feel) to solidify that sort of trust? idk... i want my j-men to stick together and they ARENT. maybe i need to solidify stuff with TJ specifically more, he gives good ally vibes? but ya... its a mess tm

[shhh-no-ones-home]

skeleton key slash x reader

+++++++++ i wanted something cute and fluffy but ive been in a mood lately so here ya go lol, its kinda cute and fluffy but starts a little disconnected and stand-offish

i edited this but if i missed anything sorry lol

Song: ill always be around by waterparks

tag list: @cynic-spirit @satans-arse @slashscowboyboots @smokeandmirrorz +++++++++

i sat against the wall of the dressing room and swirled the unopened bottle of beer against the tile floor in front of me. it made a mesmerizing sound as the glass scraped against the linoleum. it was the only thing really keeping my attention. it had been a rough couple of days and i wanted nothing more than to feel normal again.

i watched slash slide down the wall out of my peripherals, hearing him sigh as he hit the floor with his full weight. we sat in silence until i broke my trance, opening the bottle finally, i just stared down into it. slash cleared his throat but i didnt look at him.

"You okay?"

He asked, nudging my arm with his elbow. I took a quick swig of my beer, making a sour face at the taste.

"As okay as I usually am."

I sighed out.

"So not very?"

He asked, sending me a look. I looked over at him and shrugged.

"I'm sure things could be better but I'm living life one day at a time."

He shook his head.

"That's no way to live."

i sighed again, taking another drink.

"is it ever?"

he hummed.

"well no, but whats been up lately? you haven't really seemed like yourself."

i took another swig.

"havent i?"

i asked, raising a brow quickly. he frowned at me.

"none of us think so. the rest of the guys have noticed it too. you arent the same as you were a week ago."

i sighed, dropping my head back into the wall and looking to the ceiling.

"im lost."

he looked a little confused.

"youre lost?"

i looked over at him, watching his hair as it fell into his face.

"i dont know, my mood just tanked all of a sudden. i have no drive, i dont want to do anything. the only reason im here is because i have to be."

he tried to examine my face but i was on the whole expressionless.

"you couldve stayed on the bus, not that it wouldve helped, but you couldve."

i let out a short laugh, bringing the beer bottle to my lips.

"i thought getting out wouldve made an impact, ya know, keep myself busy to forget about it."

He nodded.

"it didnt."

I said and he sighed out, pinching the bridge of his nose. i looked back ahead of me, staring at the wall. we sat in silence for a bit until he shot up, drawing my attention and looking at him like he was crazy. he offered his hand to me.

"come on."

he said, more chipper now. i raised a brow.

"what?"

he shook his hand, wanting me to take it.

"come on, get up. we're going on an adventure."

i drew my brows before reluctantly taking his hand, setting my beer on the ground where i was just sat.

"where are we going?"

i asked as he pulled me out of the room and into the hall.

"It a surprise, but you have to come along to find out, thats why its an adventure."

i followed closely behind him, still unsure about the situation he was dragging me into. he walked comfortably down the hallway, looking from room to room as we went. i just watched him, trying to figure out what he was really after as we moved further into the venue. he nodded to the venue workers as we passed them, his grip on my hand getting tighter, making it known to them that we were attached. he relented as he ducked under pipelines and around mic stands. suddenly i was forced into someone.

"hey! watch where youre going!"

i heard as i looked up with wide eyes. in front of me was a large bald man with a stern gaze and i suddenly realized i was no longer tethered to slash. i looked to my suddenly empty hand in panic before looking back up the man.

"whats your deal?"

he asked, harshly. i looked around but the curly mess of hair was nowhere to be found. i breathed deeply.

"do you speak or are you just here to get in the way?"

the man said a bit louder. i jumped.

"no, i, i, uh-"

i stuttered out. he looked like he was waiting for an answer.

"you just gonna stand there looking stupid with your hand in the air or are you gonna move out of my way?"

he grunted out. then my hand got snatched away from me and i looked to slash with relief.

"sorry dude, i guess i lost my girl."

he apologized, pulling me to him. the man watched us as slash led us away from the man.

"keep her on a leash or something! i dont have time for road blocks!"

he called after us. slash waved his hand in the air.

"will do man."

he said before looking at me like 'yeah right' and making me giggle. slash looked around before ducking into an empty room.

"dude i thought id lost you there for a second. i saw one of the crew and went to squeeze your hand and i realized youre hand wasnt in mine anymore."

he let out a nervous laugh.

"it looks like i found you just in time though cause that dude looked like he meant business."

i nodded in agreement.

"yeah that was kinda scary."

we both laughed a little at the situation.

"but i found this place."

he said excitedly. i looked around, it was dimly lit but the furniture looked much better than the dressing rooms we were in. part of me wondered if it had been an office at one point but was now a storage room. i looked up as the light flickered overhead.

"spooky."

i said happily, raising my brows at him.

"well, im glad you like it cause i set this up for us."

i drew my brows as he took my hand again and led me around the bulky couch in the middle of the room. my mouth dropped at the layout of food, wine, and candles on the floor; all of it arranged on top of a black blanket.

"where did you get all of this?"

i asked, a bit shell-shocked. he half smiled at me, rubbing his arm.

"Well, i noticed youve been down for a bit and wanted to do something nice. i also figured we had a decent amount of time before the show starts so i went out and got this stuff earlier with a little help from duff and he helped me set it up. all i had left to get was you."

i could feel tears stinging my eyes. no one had really ever done anything this nice for me before and it made my heart ping. He really new what to do to make me feel better, he always did. i sent him a smile before pulling him in for a hug. he held me tightly to him, burying his face into my neck.

"thank you, slash, it means a lot."

i whispered against him. he pulled away and helped me sit.

"i wasnt sure exactly what you would like but we asked the lady at the shop down the street what she would want and thats just kinda what we got."

he said bashfully. i leaned over and kissed his cheek quickly.

"its great. really. it is."

i reassured as he started pouring two glasses of wine. he cleared his throat as he handed me one of the glasses.

"i, uh, also had a question for you while we're here."

he looked down at the blanket, and i almost thought i saw a small blush on his face but it was hard to tell in the low light.

"ask away."

i said raising  the glass to him in cheers and taking a sip. i watched as he swirled the liquid around in his own glass.

"well, i was wondering, if maybe youd want to go on a date with me. like officially."

i smiled widely at him.

"id love that."

he gladly returned the smile.

"great! i mean i know weve kind of gone on a date before but it wasnt legit, and yes i kind of blame axl for ruining that one-"

i laughed a little bit, shaking my head.

"lets call it a trial run."

i said, making him laugh too.

"well then i already feel more comfortable."

he clinked his glass against mine in cheers.

"same here."

i took a sip before setting the glass down and resituating to sit with my legs crossed under me.

"now, lets see what that lady made you buy."

i joked, prompting him to move the little basket he had acquired closer to me.

"dont blame me if its terrible."

he said through a laugh. i sent him a warm smile.

"thanks for this slash, you really know how to make a girl feel better."

he nodded.

"no, i know how to make you feel better, and i wouldnt have it any other way."

it was my turn to blush, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks at his words.

"im glad you have the thing that opens the door to my emotions or else this tour would be much harder."

i noted, taking a small box out of the basket and setting it next to me. he snorted.

"like a skeleton key to your happy place."

he said. i nodded.

"exactly!"

he laughed a little bit before taking another sip of his wine.

"you have no idea how happy that makes me."

he said, leaning back in his spot. i leaned over, close to him.

"the feeling is mutual."

i said lowly, watching his eyes flicker to my lips.

"can i kiss you?"

he whispered out, looking back to my eyes. i nodded. his hand found its way to my face, caressing my cheek gently. like a slow motion film, he moved forward, it felt like every anticipation building inside me before our lips finally met. it was soft and warm and he tasted like the wine. when he pulled away i felt like my home had been ripped from me and i missed it immediately.

"cant wait for that date."

he laughed out and i couldnt help the amused look on my face.

"likewise."

[fuck-customers]

scandal - cliques and sex

**i really love my manager, he was the manager at my store about 3 years ago before i transferred, he then left and then came back about a month or so after i transferred. i've came to him with so many problems - both work related and personally due to various things such as the death of a family member, mental health and even because i wanted time off to do some silly uni assignment last minute. he let me leave 45 mins early one day because i looked upset - he's a gem. and its not just me that he does this shit for - its everyone. i get on with him personally as we have similar interests. he's a pretty good boss most of the time, and he's never been an asshole to me.**

this is kind of a fuck-managers, fuck co-workers thing but anyway my work has broke into proper scandal recently. 

ANYWAY, its highly likely my boss is fucking one of my co-workers, let's call her becky so i don't refer to her as "this girl" 24/7. shes 25, hes 30. 

it's a huuuge story and we basically need to speak about it all for it to all make sense. (and believe me this is the cut version) 

when my boss become the store manager for the second time, everyone was happy cos he's amazing but there was a lot of giggling like, "oh becky will be happy, she loves him" blah blah blah all that bullshit. anyway, she had a boyfriend at the time and he was in a pretty serious long term relationship. i never thought anything of it, cos he is a pretty man and he seemed to be her "type". 

flash forward to about a year later, late 2016, she gets promoted to keyholder. she did a lot of opening shifts - often with my boss. again, i see no problem with this. she's full time and she gets on with everyone. progression. good for her. 

but this is when shit gets nasty! she becomes friends with these two part time girls - obviously there's nothing wrong with this but they form a pretty brutal clique. they managed to get shifts together and just sorta stood and spoke for the whole shift, had their lunches together and did no work whilst hating on everyone else for not doing work, idk whatever. they have this whatsapp chat, where they added pretty much every girl apart from me, a girl we will call "sally" (who similarly, fucked our old supervisor but thats a different story and they date now so its not as bad), the xmas temps, the other full time girl and the mature student whose part time. i cared at first but i got over it pretty soon. 

becky became very nasty to sally, basically because sally seen through her shit and called her out for being a bitch. becky managed to turn most of the girls away from sally, apart from those not in the chat and one of the girls in the groupchat ("emily") who never contributed. sally spoke to my boss about it because she was feeling really shitty, and he just kinda swept it under the carpet - very not a him thing to do. sally couldnt take it and ended up quitting - which is a shame, because sally was probs my closest friend at work.

i spoke to sally about this at a later date when we met up and she said that when she opened with becky and the manager they ignored her and made her do stupid tasks whilst they did really minor jobs together. she said it reminded her of what her and her now boyfriend used to do at work. this opens my eyes a lil, and i noticed anytime i am working with them that they talk a lot, and go on lunch together - my boss normally takes his lunch alone when shes not in and he used to drive home and eat it with his girlfriend - or he'd sit in a cafe.  

jumping a little bit, i was on a shift and was on the phone to a manager of another store, he asked to speak to our manager, and i couldnt find him anywhere. when i finally find him i just hand him the phone, not saying anything because the store was really busy. it sinks in as i walk away from him that i caught him crying. he doesn't properly bring it up again but he asks me and a few other people "what would you do if you saw me crying" - i feel mega guilty but act as if i honestly didnt see, cause its awkward. idk if i mentioned it before but he has like major depression, possibly bipolar but hasnt confronted his doctor on this (i dunno how many people know this) and like, i think some things get to him. like if him and the area manager disagree, or if him and his girlfriend fell out or if he fucked something simple up. hes quite reserved during the xmas period, and very unlike himself. i mention this to a supervisor im very good friends with a few weeks later and they tells me that hes been having problems with his girlfriend and she got rid of their pet dog, for no apparent reason.

so thats...really shit.

at some point becky and her boyfriend break up, im not sure but i notice after a facebook stalk at the start of 2017. this is around the time my manager starts to act more like himself and work feels more normal.

and this is when shit gets more obvious and more weird. 

there's a shift im on with the manager, emily and one of the boys we work with. one of our other managers is getting married and my boss recommended him his friend to be the photographer. so we're all talking about weddings and getting married and children. when we ask our manager about this, he acts flakey and says he doesnt want to get married. its left there but im in with the same people (excluding boss) and becky the next day and the conversation picks up - becky says she really wants to get married but doubts it will happen because she'll "probably fall in love with someone who doesn't want to get married".

my boss starts using his phone on the shopfloor, snapchatting and texting, it gets to the point that our area manager BANS him from using his phone. myself and other staff members notice that he's snapchatting becky a lot. emily tells us when she went on a night out with "the girls" (from the groupchat) becky wasn't off her phone, snapchatting him with "the girls" but then hiding her phone and texting him when she thought nobody was looking. obviously, her little clique seen nothing wrong with this, or blindly ignored it but by this point emily was sick of her shit. 

we win a staff night out. long story short, they go off together for ages. 

another time, she goes over to his house (that he shares with his girlfriend) with the shitty excuse that he was gonna fix her laptop, cos "he can fix them". 

i hear from the same supervisor that told me before about his relationship problems that his girlfriend was looking for jobs in another city without really consulting him. so things are pretty bad. 

emily (bless her) left the groupchat after too many bitching sessions. they start targeting this poor younger gal at work that becky decides to randomly argue with on facebook. they all claim they dislike her because "theres just something about her". i think the gal knows that becky despises her for no apparent reason and is sick of it so she blocks her. they dont really work together anyway, so idk, its a bit drastic but i suppose its fair. emily defends her and leaves. the next day at work, she shows us the whatsapp chat. 

becky screenshots a conversation between her and boss that has statements like "tbh i only hired her because she was hot" and him making a meme of her. its HORRIBLE. its so out of character and weird. and it seems even more fishy that becky is stirring it by showing a large chunk of the work group. personally i feel like becky knows exactly what shes doing, idk, i feel like shes took advantage of the pretty good nature of our sometimes unstable manager and make him like this. i have no idea, i could be biased cos i really like him - he could be using her as a bit on the side, taking advantage of the fact she always had a crush on him.

someone tells other management about the whatsapp, cause y'no... its sick. and emily shows the other managers the picture, and they call him up on it. he seems to be pretty apologetic about it but idk. becky sends emily passive aggressive texts about the whole thing saying she trusted her and whatever blah blah blah... i dont care. its a lot of shit.

someone at my work calls my manager on the way he is with becky and apparently just breaks down into tears and says he left his girlfriend last night and slept in his car. about a week later, someone else calls him out on it and he says he knows he's "been a dick" and kinda ignores the confrontation. i think hes back in his house now, no idea about his girlfriend.

beckys girl posse dont know anything about it, or claim not to, not even the two who shes closest to. i go to the same uni as one of them and one day we meet for lunch, it comes into conversation and she says "well its not any of my business" i try and remain neutral and say if they are doing anything its not fair on either of them and she says: "no its not fair on becky if he doesnt want to date her and only wants to fuck her", goes bright red and changes the subject. 

a few days later, emilys brother who works in a takeaway where becky lives sees both becky and our manager ordering (emilys brother comes into our work a lot - just before the "how did he know who they were" bullshit). he tells emily, and says to her just to say that he saw him, apparently he went bright red about this and quizzed emily on when this was (obv because he knew he was getting caught in this scandal) but she said she wasnt sure. 

so, this week, becky and my manager were caught coming to work together, when they live in complete opposite directions of eachother. i think someones reporting him and i think becky might be transferring to another store.

this is all confusing and a clusterfuck but it feels like something that would happen in a soap opera and its something that i thought i should share.

if there's any updates on either

- the clique being more bitchy

or

- manager/becky relations

i'll keep y'all posted!

[the-fiction-witch]

In This World Of Ours P2 Of ?

REAL LIFE: POST APOCOLIPTIC WORLD COUPLE: TBS X READER RATING: CUTE + FUNNY

part 1 : http://whatifwearefiction.tumblr.com/post/159193573795/in-this-world-of-ours-p1-of

Y/N POV:

I walk out the door into the main part of the flat

and the theam is still going everthing is still white as I wonder to the kitchen area I can see my dad a man rather like me not much to really look at quiet big with brown hair dressed in white overalls obviously ready to go to work he was sat up the table eating a white block that I knew tasted of toast next to him on the table was my mother a rather pretty woman very unlike me in both look and personality but she did have long brown hair like me she was sat in a white knee lengh dress she also was ready to work on the other side of the table facing away from me was obviously Thomas's dad  he was dressed in white overall's to drinking a white cup of tea obviously deep in thought as soon as my father see's me he speeks "morning y/n" he say's "morning dear" my mother say's "morning y/n, how's my son this morning?" Thomas’ father says as I walk to the table stading over it looking for something to eat this morning "morning mum, morning daddy, morning Thomas's fine still driving me insane" I relpy as a steal a bit of white toast from my father and start eating it "why whats he done now" Thomas’ Father asks "well he's keeping me up all night with his snoreing and his untidyness is really starting to anoy me" I reply "well we all wish we could help but you have to get use to him dear after next month you two will only be allowed one bed in there and you two are matched anyway your gonna have to learn to live with his imperfections" my mother says she has a point this is properbly another moment that needs some expliantion well the way our place works is that when you get to 19 you get matched with someone else and your stuck with them till you die it sucks it really does and because next month we would have been matched for nine months our flat gets ultered so we have to share a room and a bed the only reason we dont now is just becuase they give you time to adapt to each other but as either good luck or bad luck I got Thomas as my match the son of the other family we lived with so I was fairly used to him anyway and so becuase of the match and the problems with his family he had allready moved into my room but soon his bed would be taken from my room and I would officialy be stuck with him till death do us part literatly but if I was honest other than the few little problems I had with him I was happy I was matched with him I wouldnt go as far as my mother often sugested and say I loved him but I didnt dislike him that much for a moment my mind goes back to eight months ago to that day now pin pointed in my life after a few seconds Thomas came out of our room in his white pijama's he walks in and sits on the chair beside his father snapping me out of my memories I look at him for a second it was almsot funny looking at him and his dad both side by side it was obvious they where father and son the only real difference was the hair Thomas has his mothers blonde hair his father had hair that was orgianly brown but now grey from stress. "whats everybody talking about" he asks casualy "we where just discussing how you to are stuck together now" my mother giggled "I know I'm stuck with her but I dont mind" he asnwered giving me a wink in the process I couldnt help but giggle it was clear neither of us where really confoterbal with being matched up together as we had know each other all our lives but I do see the point of putting us together the computer runs on logic so I guess if I was the computer I proberbly would have put us together but even thoguht it was obvious he tried to make me feel better about the match with little things like with the mirror and the wink he would often do little things like that to try and take a bit of the pressure of me I'm not a lovey dovey person no matter what you think it is I'm just not that sort of person it allways made me a little happier to see atleast one of us was trying at this "so have you to set anything yet" my mother asked unlike Thomas with the slight trys and the suttleness of evething my mother was allways a little bit to follward with us but she would be my mother was a helpless romantic and having a daughter of course my mother wanted to get stuff all cute and perfect from the second we where matched "no havent really thoguh about it yet" I reply "well you should dear it should be allover your mind, first is match then moving in then wedding bells and children-" "MUM, slow down a bit it's been eight months were not in a hurry for this" I say cutting her of I can't see myself but I'm sure I'm as white as a sheep I look at Thomas a second he looks pertrifried but she had a point we would have to eventully and most people I knew allready had there dates set in stone I hadnt even thoguht about the subject if honest I was trying to avoid it the best I could but leave it to my mother to bring it up "well you should start thinking about it dear" I then zone out to some extend not really that interested in what she has to say thats soemthing with my mother I really didnt like they way she talked to me and Thomas about this even when she first found out at that second both Thomas's father and mine got up from there seats my father got up gave me and my mother kisses then walk towards the door Thomas's father stood flufed up Thomas's hair then walked of to the door they where off to work we wouldnt see them now for a few days a week at the most I didnt know where they worked its not my business so I didnt know plus when my dad did come home he never wanted to answer questions about it even when I was younger I took andrews seat at the table next to Thomas grabing another bit of white toast as my mother began to speech again "well on the topic of the next few weeks I think you should start some sort of idea on time scales and such" I of course began to zone out again this was going to be like most mornings with my mother her sitting and talking to us about this and that all romantic stuff we didnt have anyinterest in till my mother interupted me from the zone "are you two listening?" we both looked as each other both realiseing we both zoned out and laughing my mother then bid us goodbye and walked of to the door to go to work as soon as she was gone the whole flat seemed to sit in scilence "so where's your mum today" I ask him "she's still at work say's she won't be home till next week" he aswered "okay" I say in reply this really was aqward "so.... what are we gonna do today" he asks "I dont know we have nothing to do today" I answer "we could do what your mother said" he sugested "nope" I snap in reply "why not y/n we might as well we have nothing better to do plus if we do it will stop her complaining at us about it" he says "true, okay fine after I have a shower" I say before getting up and walking into the bathroom where everthing is still white and I mean everthing thing the only thing not white was the water but that was clear and just mirrored the white of everything eles I steped into the white gleaming room and locked the door I then took of my white pijamas and steped into the white plastics shower letting the warm water hit me contiunuosly for what seemed like a lifetime I love showers it lets me shut my eyes and imagine I'm somewhere better unfortianly after a while these a knock at the door "y/n" Thomas shouts from the other side of the door but I can still only just hear him over the sounds of the shower "WHAT?" I relpy "HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE?" he shouts "I DONT KNOW ? NOT MUCH LONGER NOW"I relpy "OKAY FINE BUT HURRY UP" he shouts and from what I can hear walks away I anoyedly turn of the shower and slip into a towel to dry myself of with as soon as I'm dry I dress into a white knee lenght skirt and a white shirt I put the towel then around my neck to dry my hair some more before stepping out of the bathroom as I do I put my dirty clothes into the washing basket then walked back to my room where I found something different there was now only one bed in it Thomas was sat on the one bed smirking at me looking very pleased with himself "what have you done?" I ask

Part 3?

[lonelylittletransgirl]

 3:58am - 13/05/2020

i’m gonna try and tell the rest of the story, its now been 4 months and a day since last talking to him, this writing is stream of thought im not editing any of this fyi

the introduction to rowan was a messy night, I had just finished work and it was probably around midnight, i recall it being a cold night, i wasnt in the best of mood, as dan and i wrapped foh shutdown i noticed a new person in the discord, everyone was in vc, so i joined in, and asked who this new person was. after being teased for a few hours over being jealous of the new person i went to bed, i think i cried myself to sleep? i forget, but i remember it was cold, talking on discord driving home, not a fun night at all.

within the first month of rowan joining he quickly became close with felix, lots of flirting, suggesting things he wanted to do to the boy, and the boy asked for it, soaked up the attention, felix took pride in me being jealous, he fed off it, he’d ask if i was jealous of rowan, and he’d giggle while asking, i hated rowan, and rowan hated me.

a lot of shit happened, but i forget most of it, im gonna skip ahead to the day we met rowan, because its significant to me, and is the most i can remember anymore.

the day we where gonna meet rowan we planned on exploring an abandoned house, i really didnt wanna go, but felix needed someone to drive him, and i didnt want felix to go without me, i was scared id loose him otherwise, so i went along. i woke up that morning and immedietly had an anxiety attack, i felt like i was going to puke, i was trembling, i could barely tie my shoes, but i managed to get some water, got dressed, and made my way to pickup felix. outside of his house anxiety really hit me again, i thought i was gonna puke, or faint, and felix just sat in the passenger seat, asked if i was okay, and if i was ready to go, he didnt seem to actually care about me, but it was whatever. we met up with rowan, and he was... okay ngl he was kinda cute, tall, nice hair, well dressed, but i was too busy hating him for trying to take felix to actually crush on him, so... yea. we met up with chris and the rest of the discord group shortly after, drove around, couldnt go into the abandoned house because there where workers there, we drove to chris’s house, chris played video games, i just kinda sat there, trying to not cry, while rowan held felix in his arms like a baby, kissing in view of everyone, i hated rowan. finally we had to leave, felix had work, i dropped felix off at his house, then dropped rowan off at the bus station so he could get back to hamilton, i went to go see xander, and that was that day.

rowan increasingly felt the need to call me out that im not dating felix and got more and more protective and possessive of him, as it turns out, felix had been hiding rowan from me since september, i got more and more desperate for felix’s attention, i started self harming more frequently and more visibly, he didnt care, i started threatening suicide, i got to a point mentally where i thought it might be time to take myself to a hospital to stop myself from doing anything dumb, but my busy work schedule + not being able to just dissapear from home meant that was a complete non option.

more things happened, we made a seperate group chat for sending tasteful nudes of ourselves to; idk why, but i partook, i didnt enjoy anything anyone else sent, but i wanted attention and validation, so i partook. there was another night that was kinda meaningful, felix and i where gonna sleep over, but then felix invited chris over, and i didnt want chris to come over, but he came anyways, stayed for an hour or two, then had to go to work and was gonna come back after work, i ended up crying for over an hour once chris left, and had to leave myself, stayed at xanders house instead.

finally, we reached a point, the 20th of january, i was at felix’s house, and i was in a bad mood, i had a bad night the night before, and i had cut myself quite a bit compared to previous, felix was hiding his phone screen from me, nothing out of the ordinary, but i caught a glimse, i realized he was on my tumblr, then suddenly he grabbed me and looked at my scars, scolded me for cutting, then went back to his phone what looked like screen shotting my tumblr. see, i started my previous tumblr similar to this one, for venting, and i shared the link with felix for some stupid reason, but i started catering the phrasing of my posts to include the things i wanted felix to know about, and started omitting the things i didnt want him to know, i would purposely include things i wanted to linger in his mind, and at this point he was going back through them all, realizing what kind of things ive been saying/feeling; i looked at him, and asked if i should leave, he said no, but i did end up going home. that night he sat in voice with rowan, his ex, and chris, i didnt join i was too busy crying. next morning i came online, and noticed it was quiet, i messaged felix asking if he wanted to hang out later in the week, and he left me on delivered for hours. i texed him again that night around 9:30pm asking if we where okay, and got no reply. finally, i messaged chris, asking what was up with felix, and the response i got was that chris isnt supposed to tell me, but rowan and felix’s ex convinced felix im a bad person, and that im toxic, and bad for felix. i felt sick, i couldnt stop crying, i knew it’d come to this point, and i tried so hard to keep him, but he finally gave up on me, i went to xanders house and cried more, finally, at 11:32pm i messaged felix, i appologized for everything, i thanked him for being a decent person to me when nobody else would be and that was that.

I dont know how i feel about it, writing this out makes me feel numb, im not crying, im just shaking, i wanna hurt myself, i wanna get in my car and drive off to nowhere and fall asleep forever, i hate felix, hes a terrible shitty person who hurt me when i was vulnerable and in need, i feel taken advantage of, like i was just some toy to use and throw away, and he almost seems to enjoy my suffering, i cry about him every few days, look at the memories we made together, he was such an important part of my life, he was the best part of my life, the only thing i had to look forward to every week, honestly without him i dont even know if i’d be alive, and to him i was just some weird obsessed creepy trans girl.

i’ve texted him a few times since then, he’s never replied, i miss him a lot, but idk if i can take him back anymore without being scared of getting hurt again.

and i think thats the whole story of felix and i, i fucking loved him to death, and sometimes still do, but he treated me in ways that im not even sure are normal or not anymore, i want him back so badly, id do anything for him, but i hate him, he’s a terrible person who deserves to feel the loneliness ive gone through for almost 20 years

i guess the only addition is that i ended up kinda crushing on rowan for like a good month or two, idk why

its not 4:54am and i need to write down all the shit i wanna bring up in therapy because thats something i need to pay more attention to