#could you not make suicide jokes to me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

twintailed-anyu · 2 years

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if you're close with someone who has social anxiety, PLEASE.

what we crave more than anything is validation. when you agree with us in conversation or casually compliment or casual compliments, it means so much.

social anxiety likes to convince us everyone hates us and that everyone judges what we do, how we look, the way we speak, and it especially likes to do that with people we're close to.

so as someone who's friends with someone who has social anxiety, just remind them that you care, that you dont hate them, that you dont find their every move annoying and that you value them. it can help, so much more than you'd imagine.

#social anxiety #validate me #i want to vent but im scared ppl will judge so im making this more wide reach so its not just about me #but it is about me srsly #im in one of those moods where everyone i love thinks im annoying yk #i don't meet with my therapist until tuesday fml #who needs therapy #i have online people who i rely on for validation who currently are NOT validating me and im panicking #maybe my support system shouldnt be so circumstantial #jk having a stable support system is for cowards #someday this will bite me in the butt #my ex is talking ab my insecurities to other ppl now 🙂#and my friend called me her thirteen reasons why #ik she was joking but #could you not make suicide jokes to me #like i probably will do it someday and im trying hard not to but it feels like everything is telling me to give up #i had a chat about this with another friend and she just listened to music and put her headphones back in #she told me later it was fucked up #but it hurt #and istg #if i had a singular person tell me that they cared #a singular person tell me that i wasnt a burden #or that it would matter to them if i died #i wouldnt be misusing the tags on tumblr rn #anyway sorry lmao im feeling Not Good as you can tell

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jabeur · 3 months

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okay like the thing is that suicide jokes and such are probably not that bad or that big of a deal if you're not really suicidal but if you're For Real suicidal or have been before and are not doing well mentally and you keep making them and start finding comfort in the thought you could kill yourself if you wanted to. be careful

#like i'm being serious rn 😭😭#it genuinely became my only source of comfort and i ended up feeling like that was the only solution #and it wasn't even necessarily bc i wanted to be dead. at least not most of the time #but it felt like the only way for things to change?#i was so stuck and in the extreme act of killing myself i could see change i could see moving forward #which like. yeah but it's obviously DANGEROUS i mean i could've died for real #sometimes i wish i had blabla but mostly i'm glad i didn't but it was still all so awful to go thru?#and idk sometimes i think if i'd not normalized the idea of suicide in my head for so long i wouldn't have gotten to that point #ik that genuinely most ppl who make suicide jokes are gonna be fine it's not gonna affect them much #but some of us are severely mentally ill 😭😭 i've been suicidal on and off since i was 13 or something #and it's just not good for me and i just want to be like. if you're also mentally ill please analyze if it's bad for you too #bc ah brains are fucked up !!!!!!! like i have a personality disorder and my brain has probably never been Not fucked up so i have to accep #that i have to be gentler towards it bc it'll start having fucked up beliefs easily lmao like the amount of things i rationally understand #but emotionally i believe and feel the opposite and it does NOT help to just rationally know !!!!! which sucks #but i'm working on it with a professional bc yeah i can't just get rid of the bad thoughts and negative shit on my own which i guess is ok?#okayyyyy.. back to football

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sp1resong · 2 months

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no one can know about the weird gay thing i have going on with kms jokes

#mordred mental microscope moment #spire rambles #cw suicide mention #ITS REALLY FUNNY LIKE .#Somehow ive been making them way more (still not often tbf just On Occasion) as a Direct Result of my mental health improving #because suicide was/is a Major Theme of my OCD to the point that i was like. afraid to even think about it #lest i accidentally condition myself into wanting it #which was frankly more damaging to my Me than any joke has ever been .#i mean obviously i dont make them around people i dont know for Absolutely Certain are comfortable with them #and even then i do try to avoid them if just because there are far funnier and more creative jokes i could make. but like.#being able to make a Shitty Little Joak to myself is. i guess like my way of saying Fuck You to the Obsessive Compulsions (from the Disorde #if that makes sense. it probably doesnt. but ehhh whagtever im literally just fuckin saying words #i can say whatever. My house (blog)

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eggmeralda · 4 months

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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option

#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause #to like charities and gfms and anyone else #but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job #and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything #and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week #but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week #the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything #you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something #but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets #like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going #but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it #and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy #and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own #but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough #my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space #bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected #and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll #get everything going again #but at the same time i could easily just die #I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs #what else is there to do with my life honestly #(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed #but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience #idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't #but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it #ramble #suicide tw #weight loss mention

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vincent-sinclair-deserved-better · 22 days

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hm

thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol

#cylas vents #negativity #negative #death wish #lmao #bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao #like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok #it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess #imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to #myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc #none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you #want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik #lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever #like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every #day etc but like #what else am i supposed to do #hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become #too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao #when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal #functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever #idk how to tag lmai #using stuff like #tw suicidality #tw suicidal #tw suicidal ideation #just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol

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irl · 10 months

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yea

#txt #i gotta bitch rq cos im pissed sorry guys #i hate tht u dont remember none of the shit u did. i hate tht u make jokes about it even. i hate tht it feels like im always the one #to wear the burden of iron wrought weights so tht u can learn how to mellow out and not do the same to my sister #‘you opened up a lot of doors for your sister’#yea cool im glad u chilled out and didnt also kick my sister out of the house while she was 1200 miles away with nothing but the clothes on #her back. yea cool im glad u didnt threaten disowning when she got a piercing. yea im glad she didnt have to sit thru the ordeal of u when #i first came out to u. im glad she didnt have to have our dead dad used as a damn weapon against her when she told you shes a lesbian #im glad you never sat her down and berated her for being queer for three hours and then sent her to her hole only to send her a long winded #email about how awful she is to you for being queer and how no one will be able to recognize or love her #i still have that email btw #im glad you came to me to ask for help when she was suicidal depressive instead of blaming her and insulting her and making awful #assumptions and insinuations about her #im glad you asked for help for her #but why couldnt you have been a mom to me too #why did i have to teach you all the wrong ways to handle situations so that you could handle them rigjt with her #why did i have to be the one to lockpick all of the doors in order to open them for her #whyd you have to put the locks on there in the first place #why werent you ever a mom to me #why wasnt i allowed to have parents growing up #whyd you have to hurt me since the time before i could make cohesive thought #why werent you a mom for either of us until you realized how heavily you screwed up with me #why did it take you losing me completely for you to start being a mom to my sister?#why did it take you losing me completely for you to finally listen to me instead of talk about why im wrong #im glad to have a mom now #but i couldve used a mom when i was a kid #why do you have to turn it into jokes #and why am i not allowed to be upset

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liquidstar · 1 year

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I'm glad the "Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target lest it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it intends to criticize" meme is getting critiqued in its usage because... While the sentiment itself is absolutely true... I feel like sometimes, perhaps, it's not a work of fiction's fault that you're personally bad at picking up on satire

#im thinking about how i saw a person say futurama is bad because bad things still exist in the future #and its like. thats the point though?#the joke is literally the idea that if we never learn and grow from these problems as a society these are the hyperbolic extremes #that they would come to etc etc #do i think it was all well handled? probably not. it had a 14 year run im sure it fumbled lots of stuff and has shit that doesnt hold up #but i feel like dismissing it entirely based on just-#''but bad stuff happens. and i want the future to be better so this bums me out'' is just dumb LOL like thats literally the point #theyre taking the problems of today and making them into crazy hyperbolic extremes to mock them THATS WHAT SATIRE IS #there is a clarity of purpose youre just bad at picking up on it. NIXON WAS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT IN THAT SHOW FOR CHRIST SAKE #WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK ''AMERICA'S FAVORITE SUICIDE BOOTH SINCE ****2008****'' COULD MEAN?#idk. this site is bad media literacy r us why take it seriously. but i am. bc its frustrating #bc that quote on its own is sooooo good at explaining why some ''satire'' is bad and doesnt work #but ppl who dont know how to engage w media beyond a surface level have taken it and turned it into like #''this is bad bc i didnt get it'' ok. sounds like a you problem.#but posting this is scary bc im afraid itll be used for the other extreme .-.

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thegetdownrebooter · 1 year

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i'm sorry but it actually kills me that people think kendall telling roman he fucked it (which he did) is the worst thing he did last episode like bffr.

#like y'all can't be serious #what about him making rava cry and blocking her car like a psycho??#what about him blowing up at jess and giving her the “your nothing without me” speech #what about him threatening to take the kids ????#that's actually really fucking scary because he COULD #he is not some middle class man from ohio like he can paint rava as hysterical woman keeping him from his kids and then it's over #it doesn't matter that he's a deadbeat #it doesn't matter he nearly commited suicide in front of them #it doesn't matter that he is an addict #he's still a rich man #rava is a woman that clearly isn't a one percenter like she is fucked fr #unless she escapes to canada with the kids and changes her name #why do people not realize how scary it is ???#he wants CUSTODY like it's over #also him telling roman he fucked it is very mild compared to what the roys do to each other #roro made incest jokes about his future nephew/niece being his but you draw the line at kendall telling him the truth???#be fr #also kendall was never interested in being co-ceos with roro lmfaoo he only did that to ice shiv out #he has always wanted the crown but since he doesn't consider roro a threat (unlike shiv) he was fine with aligning himself with him #roman woobifyers have lost the plot #none of the roys are normal like they were raised to compete with each other #and it's not like kendall lied like mencken had no interest in blocking the deal anyway so kenrome fucked democracy for nothing #and it's partly roman's fault for getting played #and the crying didn't help either #kendall roy #succession #succesion hbo #fandomshit

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gibbearish · 10 months

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so like i want to talk more abt what suicidal means but the problem is "suicidal ideation presents in two general forms, active and passive. the thing most people think of as suicidal is the active version, where the person *actively* desires to be dead and/or is making a plan to get there. the passive form however gets almost no attention in media so many people experiencing it are unaware they are even depressed, much less passively suicidal. some examples: not wanting to experience death but feeling like you wouldn't mind if you didn't wake up tomorrow or just stopped existing; feeling deeply exhausted with just the entire concept of being alive; even feeling like you want to run away, change your name, and start a whole new life; none of these look like suicidal ideation to most people because they don't involve actively doing anything to get from point a to point b, especially the more abstract ones like the start a new life thing - but remember that in order to truly start a whole new life, you have to destroy your current one. it's not suicidal as in wanting to actually DIE die, it's just. wanting something close enough to scratch the itch. but just because you haven't booked the ticket doesn't mean you don't still revisit the 'vacation activities at point b' tab occasionally to daydream, yknow?" is i think very informative and specific, but its also quite long and run on-y so people are v likely to tap out like a third of the way through it, whereas "suicidal doesnt necessarily mean wanting to die" is way shorter and therefore catchier, but is also the kind of nonspecific phrasing that gets you a thousand angry anons about how you said all suicidal people are just pretending they actually want to die or some dumb shit. so it's a fun line to toe

#especially when youre far too lazy to dig up sources however if u google passive suicidal theres a lot of info #pretty front and center altho you will get jumpscared by the size 1000 font suicide hotline number #or maybe you wont but i sure was. why was it so big #in this house we simply post both as part of another hashtag relatable post in the hopes that the two for one bargain #will entice viewers to read the whole thing and go 'wait but /i/ feel like that what do you mean'#and then make a meta joke about it in the tags so the viewers think we're hip and cool #nah but seriously i see ppl not knowing abt this . so much and every time im like !!!!!!! no youre not crazy youre not supposed #to feel like this!!!!#so its one of the things where im like nah idc if im being annoying abt this as long as i hit the one (1) todays lucky 10000 who needs it #this one i dont remember seeing on any articles but id like to propose also that having trouble imagining your future can count too #and like obviously all of these have exceptions right like. ppl can just want to start a whole new life for non suicidal reasons #but if theres a pattern of these things or you find yourself being drawn back to one over and over again thats #when you should start being like ok somethings afoot #like the imagining ur future one you could easily have trouble visualizing things or even just Not Be Especially Imaginative #...or... it could be that deep down you dont feel like you /have/ one so your brain just. steers away from the subject entirely #and ykno. knowing which one it is is usually pretty helpful LOL #anyways. sorry theres no paragraph breaks i could not for the life of me figure out a good spot for them #/suicide #/suicide mention #/suicidal ideation #/depression #/death mention #and of course i think also like a lot of things this is more of a spectrum than a binary like obviously 'run away and #start a new life' is def a bit less active than 'id be ok w it if i didnt wake up tomorrow' but theyre still both on the lassive side #passive*#eugh im rambling now and not even in the slightly contained way the post itself is #im hitting post without rereading for the 40th time otherwise ill remember another tangent so if theres #any errors left my apologies

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flakey-von-wembstein · 7 months

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rant

i just blocked someone on pinterest

because they was talkin about some bullshit all like "hamas is not a terrorist group, that's just what western media wants you to think" WHATTTTTT i need you to kill yourself rq

#obviously this is a joke i dont actually advocate for suicide (just in case someone purposely misconstrues my words)#if someone has the entire information of the world at their fingertips and still claims that hamas are a bunch pf misunderstood do gooders #then nothing is safe #even a suicide joke #i dont think its antisemitic (?) i could be wrong #im obv not the best educated person on antisemitism #but antisemitic or not that is some actual fuckin crazy ass stupid bullshit #like how are you gonna make me block you on PINTEREST. the google images for homosexuals.#smartest unironic whisper app user #not tagging this under the 🇮🇱/🇵🇸 conflict because it's not actual information just the words of an uneducated idiot

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bunnyb34r · 10 months

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I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse

#marquilla #im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's #gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a #dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you #incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and #theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future #and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to #be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS #so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff #bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then??#like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist #s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with #the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit #like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and #that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man #i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully #but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL #affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow??#idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.

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transbee · 1 year

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having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.

#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el #i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any #dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe #like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it #idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about #literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own.#and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god #and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.)#but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems #or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like #get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days.#and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus #is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways.#idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess #i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives.#what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it #sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY !#i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!!#and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!!#WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT #.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!!#.txt #and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that.#in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL #<3

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asiancatboy · 2 years

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i wish we lived in a world where talking about suicide and suicidal ideation wasn't so taboo, treated with the sensitivity it deserves but not overcautious to the point everyone affected feels like they can't reach out or talk for fear of being institutionalised against their will

#suicide #suicidal ideation #i've grown up passively suicidal for as long as i can rememeber and honestly me talking about suicide is rarely ever a cry for help #if anything it's the healthiest thing for me to do bc sure i don't actively want to die but bottling this shit up to keep everyone around #me comfortable at all times is isolating. and i don't mean talking about suicide like mid-breakdown wanting to die type talk like obv be #concerned there. but i wouldn't be able to talk about a passing thought or talk about my progress with combating said thoughts or even joke #about the fact i wanted to die today but didn't yay me without some bitch somewhere being like um actually that's so manipulative go to #therapy get a diary you are only making yourself worse by letting yourself think these things #like yes i agree. time place audience consideration & an understanding that the subject is sensitive & not always welcome. but also why is #that. could it be that our lack of willingness to talk about suicidality is contributing to the hostile reaction in the face of ppl who #experience it which leads to more involuntary hospitalisation and in turn makes vulnerable ppl feel worse and unsupported #society has failed us bad like they'll have everyone believe that the only way to deal with suicidality or severe mental health problems is #to lock everyone away and chalk it up to a chemical imbalance. not saying everyone should suddenly be fine with the topic or forget #how to be courteous with boundaries but i do believe we are collectively hurting ourselves by refusing to engage conversation entirely #7

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just-a-simple-dyke · 2 years

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I can't believe he literally went 'killing myself in front of them to permanently alter the trajectory of their lives' these kids are SO fucked up

#hes just a boy a son a friend but hes seen as a pig a hero a god a king #its all so fucked up oh my god #kyung min u never did anything wrong in your life btw. i think he shouldve killed those other two too actually #being so demonically bullied that your friend your hero that you worshiped commits suicide in front of everyone #not solely out of misery but for rage and revenge and to make them never forget. and then you live and u see these bullies as adults #living their lives not even thinking of you pretending like nothing happened and then when you confront them they act like it was all #a joke like its all in the past and they never sincerely apologize and they curse at you some more #and its like they still feel superior they still feel youre that weak kid they could bully but also u are now a freak who cant let go of #the past and its YOUR fault for not forgiving and forgetting its only middle school right??#i do not blame kyung min one bit i would go fucking insane and kill them all too and ruin their lives to make the memories stick!!!!#the king of pigs #this show....is so incredibly fucked up it terrifies me

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kittlyns · 2 years

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One day I am gonna start journaling again and then I won't post all this sad shit on here but until then! *posts another sad post*

#it's dark and I'm tired so this means NOTHING. but.#there's no heartbreak like raising your younger siblings and them growing up to side against you #I lost my childhood to playing parent and trying to distance my siblings from the fighting and verbal abuse I witnessed and endured #I learned to read the room early on so I could get them out of situations before they turned bad #I knew I had to be perfect so I could take the fall for shit I'd never do and get a lighter punishment than the 'problem children'#I understand the younger kids. I was older so I could shield them better until they were old enough for our parents to mellow out a bit #of course they would choose the parents who don't care enough to parent them over the bitch who had multiple public breakdowns over them #but my brother. I don't understand that. it was our war. we had to figure it out together #of course he didn't though. he'd hit every landmine and it was up to me to pick up the pieces and salvage what I could.#instead of there being a solidarity between us as survivors of a pitiful childhood he's taken to blaming me for it all #I'm the reason he's depressed. suicidal. can't get a job. can't drive. never leaves the house. it's all because of me.#he'll joke around and egg on the man who used to corner and scream and threaten and insult him.#he'll wax poetic about how he has our bio father's blood. how he shares so many traits with a man who never wanted him. will never care.#I won't say I was perfect or that I did right by him in every way. I was a child trying to survive and I lashed out plenty of times.#I never understood why he couldn't just shut up. couldn't just let words be said and meekly take them. always had to get the last word in.#couldn't just curse the man in his heart with his head bowed and a 'yes sir. sorry sir.'#I blamed him for that at the time. I was wrong for that.#so yeah. I can accept my part of making things worse for him. I should've tried harder to understand him.#what I can't accept is that the blame falls solely on me. not our bio father who beat our mom and abandoned us.#not our stepfather who made every day a walk on eggshells. not our complacent mother. not the external family who only ever made it worse.#just me. I'm the only thing that ruined his life.#and sure. he can believe whatever he wants. if that's how he feels then so be it.#but he has to tell everyone. yeah my sister ruined my life. yeah she's the reason I want to kill myself.#over and over and over. all the family believes him.#my mom tells me to be nicer to him. my grandma asks me what I've done to hurt him so badly. he tells our siblings I'm a bitch and a liar.#I haven't even spoken to him in years. but every time he has a mental health crisis it's my fault.#in what way? who fucking knows. he talks in circles and the only thing he says for certain is it's my fault. and that's all my family needs #it truly got to the point I had to stop speaking to him cuz no matter what I said he decided it was an attack on him.#so. I've dealt w a lot. sacrificed an entire life stage. got nothing to show for it #except mental illness and a creeping sense that it was all for nothing

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battywitch · 3 months

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😑

#I've spent my entire life being unwanted and only tolerated at most #and honestly i get it #I'm annoying and too easily distracted and excited and i get too invested in things that don't really matter #and i can't take a joke because I'm too sensitive and same for hearing honesty about myself and what people think of me #and i don't really have much of a filter unless I'm scared so if i like you and feel relatively safe I'm even more annoying #and. like. my family literally told me when i was a teenager that their biggest concern about me being suicidal was what others would think #of *them* if i went through with it #it wasn't a concern about losing me or caring that i was in so much pain (emotionally and physically) that i was seriously considering it #they were just worried that i would make them look bad #if my family didn't really care all that much idk why i thought I'd ever find people who do #maybe if i can figure out how to be quieter again and stop having opinions and wants and feeling compelled to talk about my interests #if i could just figure out which parts of me to carve away maybe then I'd finally be worth something

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