#cool! happy for you!!!!! why are you putting down other autistic people to prove your point.

[basilpaste]

"not all autistics are low-empathy!!!! some are really high-empathy!!!!!" okay cool good great. but are you like... normal about autistics who are low-empathy, though? because people with low empathy exist and are normal people. are you normal about them?

[spencers-renaissance]

I found my way home

Summary: After Spencer tells Hotch about his recent autism diagnosis, he expects that to be the end of it. Somehow, though, it keeps coming up, and Hotch keeps proving himself to be the best father figure he could have asked for. 

Tags: autistic spencer, protective hotch, hurt/comfort, fluff, paternal hotch, team as family

TW: mentions of ableism, one small instance of ableism & homophobia 

Pairing: Gen 

Word Count: 4.1k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

This was borne from my conversations with @criminalmindsvibez about the lack of autistic spencer fics and her amazing headcanons. While I'm not autistic, Emily is, and helped me to portray Spencer's autism as accurately as possible. That said, please feel free to correct me on anything I got wrong :)

Spencer had made an effort to get into work even earlier than usual today. He’d ridden the metro through the city, dipping his hand into his messenger bag every few minutes to compulsively check that the slim letter he’d received in the post the other day is still in the front pocket where he’d safely placed it that morning. He brushes his fingers over the paper once more as he enters the near-empty bullpen, the letter cool from the winter air.

It’s still so surreal to him that this is where he works. After years of dreaming of working for the FBI he’s finally here, and even though it’s been his place of work for almost two months now, he’s still not used to it. The warm offices are a nice reprieve from the wintry December wind, and he can feel himself relaxing as he heads to his desk. Leaving his coat and messenger bag on his chair, he pulls the letter out of the front pocket and runs his index finger along the edge. He finds himself biting his bottom lip as he tries to work up the courage to go and see Hotch. 

Sucking in a deep breath, he marches determinedly up to Hotch’s office, entering as soon as his knocks are answered. 

“Reid,” Hotch says pleasantly as he takes a seat opposite his desk, realising belatedly that he probably should have waited until he was invited. “You’re in early. What can I do for you?”

Nervously, Spencer hands him the letter he’d couriered across the city so carefully. He’d taken care to open it neatly with his letter opener but the return address on the back has been stamped at a crooked angle, and it bothers him every time he notices it. He can’t stop looking at it now as he taps his fingers anxiously against his leg in the pattern of the Fibonacci sequence, a safe and familiar reassurance played out by his nervous fingers. He watches apprehensively as Hotch pulls the letter out of the envelope, unfolding it and skimming his eyes down the page, taking in the news Spencer’s been so anxious to share with him.

Diagnosis: Asperger’s Syndrome

God, it had been a long process. He’d had to seek out a doctor in DC who diagnosed adults, paid for all the consultations and diagnostics himself — his insurance certainly wouldn’t cover it, not that he’d feel comfortable using his cushy FBI insurance for something so personal anyway — and the whole process had taken far longer than he’d expected. Finally, though, the envelope had arrived in the mail, and he officially had a diagnosis. 

Of course, he’d had his suspicions for years, especially after one of his professors during his second PhD had casually asked whether he’d ever been tested, planting a seed in his brain that led to many late nights in the library, reading all the literature available to him. It’s why he’d found it strange that it had felt so validating to finally receive that letter in the post. But it had.

The label made sense, and now that he had a diagnosis from a medical professional he felt comfortable to share it with others; he’d been far too paranoid about being questioned, not being believed or lectured about the evils of self-diagnosis no matter how he was confident in himself. He didn’t tend to be an insecure or self-conscious person, but after years of bullying and trauma surrounding what he now knew for sure to be his autistic traits, he couldn’t help but feel almost protective of his affirming label. 

Now though, it’s an irrefutable statement. Dr Spencer Reid has autism, and the first person he wants to tell is Hotch.

“I had no idea you were getting tested, Reid,” Hotch says, a hint of surprise bleeding into his voice. “Is there any specific reason you wanted to share this with me?”

“Well… I felt like someone on the team should know,” Spencer starts carefully, afraid to give too much of himself away, “and I thought that someone in a leadership position was the best option. Gideon has never been very… supportive of my autistic traits or behaviour, so I thought that you— that you would be the best option.” He feels awkward, fidgeting in his chair as he watches Hotch’s serious face and kind eyes absorb the information. 

“That trust in me means a lot, Reid,” he says, a rare smile making its way onto his face. In that moment, Spencer knows he made the right decision. “How can I make things easier for you? Is there anything you need me to be doing differently?”

“Uh—” He hadn’t really been anticipating that question and it catches him off guard: he’d predicted a quick nod of acknowledgement, a request to photocopy the letter so it can be put on file followed by a swift dismissal, but the letter is now sitting on his side of the desk: clearly, Hotch intends on keeping this between them. This is far from what he expected.

“Why don’t you start by telling me about autism and how it might affect your work?” Hotch corrects himself, recognising quickly Spencer’s need for specifics. “I’ll admit I don’t know much beyond some probably rather unhelpful stereotypes.”

Spencer nods. He can answer that question. “As everyone knows I often go off on tangents,” he begins, “and that’s because my special interests — or hyperfixations — often coincide with our work, so I know a lot about the topics we’re investigating. If I do that, just redirect me to the case and I’ll be fine. It’s also really hard for me to have to present myself in a certain way all the time. Vocal stims and gestures are the most satisfying to me but I often have to mask them, which I’ve never been very good at anyway, and it’s fairly exhausting. That’s why I often excuse myself; I go to the bathroom or a secluded hallway and stim on my own. My doctor also told me I tend to overcompensate in social situations and over-perform emotion. Those are the basics, I guess, but it’s a very complex disorder and since it makes up me as a human being, I can’t exactly explain all of it in one conversation.”

“No, that’s fine, Reid, you’ve given me a good picture of what to expect, thank you.” Hotch smiles at him, fondness in the crinkles around his eyes and the softness invading his usually stern expression. “First of all, you never have to feel like you need to excuse yourself to stim. Do you think it would be helpful if we told the rest of the team so they know what to expect? I’m assuming vocal stims are saying certain words or making sounds…?”

Spencer nods. 

“Okay, so if you needed to do that we could just continue the conversation while you get it out of your system. Gestures certainly wouldn’t be a problem. How do you feel about that?”

He hadn’t really considered telling the rest of the team but it seemed sort of intimidating, like he’d be opening a vulnerable side of himself to people he didn’t even know that well. On the other hand, they’d all been so understanding of his quirks and odd behaviour so far without even knowing the reason behind it. He’d never once been made to feel the way he used to at school, forced to either pretend to be someone else completely or be isolated and ostracised. 

He settles for, “I’ll think about it.” 

“That’s fine. There’s no pressure,” Hotch assures him. “I’m very happy you told me, Reid. I hope you know you can come and talk to me about anything, whether it’s about this or something completely different.”

Spencer leaves his office with the letter back in his hands, no notes or copies having been made, feeling almost elated. Never in a million years would he have expected that to go so well. 

⭐️

He doesn’t really expect it to come up again. He’d told Hotch so that he could understand him a bit better, and also because Hotch had quickly assumed a protective, almost paternal role in his life and he wanted to share the piece of news with him whether he was leading his department or not. That was supposed to be it, though, he didn't think anything would materially change, especially since he decided not to tell the team about the diagnosis just yet.

But almost immediately after he’d told Hotch his diagnosis, his rambles began to be gently redirected back to the case, sometimes without him even noticing. He wasn’t rudely cut off by anyone anymore, Hotch always steering him back on course before anyone else can jump in and hurt Spencer’s feelings. It’s so… kind that it almost feels foreign, and he finds himself gravitating towards the older man more and more, sitting next to him on every jet journey and staying glued to his side during cases. 

His newfound protectiveness over Spencer is only demonstrated more clearly a few months after their conversation in Hotch’s office when they’re on their way to New Mexico for a case. The second he spots that the murder victims had all been found with different Fitzgerald quotes scrawled on sheets of paper found in their own personal notebooks, ripped out and left for investigating officers to find, he launches into an info-dump to rival info-dumps. 

He can’t help that literature is a special interest of his, made all the more intense by the fond childhood memories of reading to his mother in her bed. Fitzgerald had been her favourite author of the Modern Era, and he’d spent hours analysing significant passages in his novels as a child, so he starts explaining the literary merit of each of the quotes left at the crime scenes. 

Apparently, he doesn’t hear the first two times Hotch tries to direct him back on topic, but he hears it when Gideon shouts, “Spencer! Long and unnecessary tangents are not conducive to actually solving these cases. Get back on topic. Now.” He’s loud enough to briefly knock him back several decades to memories of his father screaming at his mother’s schizophrenic babbling, when she’d become convinced that the villains of her favourite novels were trying to break into the house.

Spencer stops mid-sentence and stares at Gideon, who is staring right back. Everyone’s watching the two awkwardly, but the short moment of silence is quickly broken by Hotch. “There is absolutely no need to be that rude, Jason,” he says disapprovingly, while he lays a hand on Spencer’s arm in a light, absent-minded sort of touch. “Reid may have been off-topic but he deserves respect just like everyone else on this team. Nobody needs to be shouted at like that.” He directs his attention back to Spencer. “Why don’t you tell us how those Fitzgerald quotes could help us solve the case, Reid?” 

He gives him an encouraging look, and when he looks around the jet, everyone else is, too. Carefully, he starts speaking again, a little afraid of being cut off again, but after a few sentences of relevant explanation he regains his momentum. It’s more than a little vindicating when it’s his ‘unnecessary tangent’ that ends up being the key to cracking the case. 

⭐️

Soon after Hotch’s split from Haley, he approaches Spencer one evening when they’re the only two left at the office with a dinner invitation. Within the hour, they walk into a nice, low-key Italian place in the city and take a seat in the far corner of the restaurant. 

“Is everything okay?” Spencer asks a little uncertainly, confused as to why his boss is suddenly taking him for dinner. 

“I had this idea almost as soon as you told me about your autism,” Hotch explains, knowing by now that preambles and niceties only frustrate Spencer instead of setting him at ease. “I wanted to take you out for dinner every week to try and give you a space to ramble about all your special interests and not feel like you have to mask around everyone. But when I was with Haley, all my personal time was obviously spent with her and Jack. Now, I have the time to dedicate to you and all the incredible knowledge you’re hoarding in that brain of yours.”

“Really?” Spencer asks excitedly. The idea of uninhibited space to talk about the recent knowledge he’s acquired and not have to feel insecure or worry about performing social skills he doesn’t see the point of is everything he’s ever wished for, and something so wonderful being provided by Hotch only makes it better. 

“Really.”

Spencer wastes no time. He dives right in. “I was just watching a documentary the other day about volcanoes and their ability to trigger lightning storms with their voltage,” he begins. “Basically, magma rises toward the volcano’s surface, its water rapidly turns to vapor, which shatters the molten rock into tiny particles and creates charged particles. When the ash plume erupts into the atmosphere, the densely packed particles collide, driven by momentum. Friction then affects their electrons, becoming electrically charged. Positively and negatively charged electrons separate in the ash plume which creates a charge imbalance that builds an electric charge strong enough to trigger a lightning storm.” 

“That’s incredible.”

“I know,” Spencer says excitedly. “If the ash plume rises high enough in the atmosphere ice forms, and when ice, hail, and supercooled liquid droplets collide, the rates of lightning explode, it’s crazy.”

They’re briefly interrupted by a waitress taking their orders, but as soon as she leaves, Hotch gets him to jump back in. “What about that lecture you attended last week… the literature of 18th Century England or something?”

“19th Century English Lit, yeah!” He’s so eager to finally share this with somebody who will genuinely listen to him, and he can’t help it when his arms start to flap excitedly. Remembering where he is, he doesn’t try to mask it, pin his arms to his sides and simply deal with and suppress the innate urge to stim, he lets his body do what it wants to. Instead of eliciting a strange, sideways look, Hotch just smiles fondly.  

“The lecturer had this fascinating theory on Dickens. I’ve always seen him as a pretty straight forward author of picaresque fiction, obviously combined with facets of melodrama. And it’s common knowledge that he was inspired by the novel of sensibility, of course. But I’d never thought about the stylistic and lexical choices in his works beyond standard analysis, and this lecturer went on a deep dive into his use of collocation and it opened my eyes…”

He spends the whole evening stimming to his heart’s content while detailing every current interest of his to Hotch, who simply listened intently while eating his meal slowly, dragging out the meal for as long as Spencer needed. “Let me give you a lift home,” Hotch insists after footing the bill, leading him out into the warm evening air.

“Oh, I don’t mind taking the metro,” he replies truthfully. 

“I know. But it would make me feel better to drop you home safely. It’s late and seeing you into your apartment building would give me peace of mind.”

“Sure,” Spencer agrees happily, he’s still buzzing from such a nice evening and the least he can do for Hotch is let him rest easy tonight, so he climbs into the passenger side of his car. A few minutes into the car ride home, he realises he should probably actually verbalise just how much he enjoyed dinner. “Thank you, Hotch. I don’t think anybody’s ever done something so nice for me before.”

“Don’t mention it, Spencer,” Hotch replies, smiling even though he doesn’t take his eyes off the road. Spencer very much likes it when Hotch uses his first name, and he’d been doing it all evening. He doesn’t really understand why it feels so nice, just that it makes him feel… special, maybe.

“Don’t mention it, Spencer,” he repeats, before freezing as he realises what he’s said. He’s got so used to not masking all evening, he’s not in the right rhythm and mindset to suppress the urge to repeat Hotch’s words. He’s been so nice the whole evening, the last thing Spencer wants is for Hotch to think he’s mocking him. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Hotch reassures him, tapping his arm lightly as he smiles encouragingly. 

“Don’t mention it, Spencer,” he says again, repeating it a few times in relief before the itch is satisfied. He really does have the best boss/friend in the whole world. There’s no doubt about that. 

⭐️

Rossi’s initial reaction to Spencer had admittedly been a bit rocky, and having Hotch undeniably on his side was the only thing that made those first few months bearable. He never let them go off on their own; never put Spencer in a position where he’d have to be alone with him. Gradually, though, Rossi adjusted to his quirks and he became almost as protective of Spencer as Hotch.

That doesn’t bode well for the local sheriff when they’re on a case in North Carolina. He’s been prickly since they arrived, being as stubborn and uncooperative as possible, slowing down their progress on actually solving the case, and Spencer’s noticed him being a little extra rude to him in particular. It doesn’t massively bother him — it’s not exactly like someone’s aversion to him is a novel concept — but he can feel some sort of tension coming from the others. It happens a lot more now that they know about his autism and are more aware of themselves and others.

He tries to ignore it the best he can; he puts his head down and focuses on the geographical profile, going wherever he’s sent. Besides, the sooner they solve this case the sooner they can get out of North Carolina and back to DC. On their third day on the case, he’s working quietly in their designated corner of the police department alongside Hotch and Rossi while the others are out investigating in various different places. It’s a nice environment, and even though both men are his superiors, he feels more relaxed in their company than in anybody else’s.

It’s a relatively pleasant morning — considering the whole trying to catch a brutal serial killer thing — until they need to ask the sheriff a question. He saunters over, a tense and angry expression on his face, and Spencer can’t help but feel a little off, the confusing tension in the air that Spencer can’t quite identify making him anxious in his inability to properly decipher it. “Gentlemen,” he says, already frustrated. Spencer suspects it’s a pride thing; not many police departments like being shown up enough to have the FBI called in.

Eager to know the answer to their question, Spencer’s the one to jump in and ask. “Sheriff, we were just wondering whether the town gets much traffic from the local university or—”

He’s cut off by the sneering, towering man. “I’m not taking any questions from your kind,” he says aggressively. 

“I’m sorry?” Spencer squeaks as Rossi and Hotch both prepare to say something in response.

The sheriff cuts them off before they can get their likely diplomatic and calming words out. “Homo retards aren’t welcome around here.”

“Hey!” Rossi shouts as he leaps out of the chair, grabbing him by the collar as he’s helped by the element of surprise. “You don’t fucking talk to Spencer like that, you hear me? Weak, cowardly men like you—”

“Dave,” Hotch says placatingly, putting a hand on his shoulder and diffusing the situation. “Listen, Sheriff, we are only here to help you. But if you can’t respect my agents then we’re going to have a problem. Either you’re civil to Dr Reid, or I’m reporting you to the NC Sheriff’s Association. You hear me?”

The sheriff’s pride is clearly wounded, but he at least nods before giving them all a scornful look and walking away. 

“We didn’t even get to ask the question,” Spencer says anxiously, suddenly feeling out of his depth, like he can’t quite get enough air. 

“Dave, try and get an answer,” Hotch directs, taking charge of the situation. “Spencer, come with me.” He takes him into a secluded hallway for a little privacy, sitting him down on the cool linoleum before sinking down next to him. “You’re okay.”

“You’re okay, you’re okay,” Spencer whispers over and over to himself as he rocks backwards and forwards, trying desperately to self-soothe.

“Do you want me to touch you?” Hotch asks. He’s been in enough of these situations with Spencer to know he’s usually in two very different headspaces: he either longingly craves the grounding touch of a hug or a hand on his back, or he needs complete space. He’s also learned that asking outright is the only way to get an direct answer. 

“Yes,” Spencer replies, before repeating it over and over again as he’s wrapped up in Hotch’s arms, head pressed against his chest, his hand pressing gently against the back of Spencer’s head. He starts to calm down as he manages to breathe to the heat of Hotch’s calm, steady heartbeat, the comforting touch of someone he trusts with his life also helping to bring him back down to earth. A good ten minutes after the altercation with the sheriff, he’s feeling much better and brings his head out of it’s safe cocoon between Hotch’s chest and hand. 

“Come on,” Hotch says kindly. “Let’s get back to the case, yeah? You can just sit and work quietly until you’re ready to hold a proper conversation again. How does that sound?”

Spencer nods tiredly, knowing that work will perk him back up again, and being surrounded by his team will make him feel safe, asshole sheriff or not.

⭐️

Over the years Hotch helps him through any hurdles that come his way, learning the exact nuances of Spencer’s characteristics and requirements, making sure to accommodate him in every way possible.

He brings an extra, super-soft sweater in his go-bag in case Spencer ever forgets his and needs something gentle on his skin but tight enough to make him feel secure. He buys him stimming toys, dropping them on Spencer’s desk before he even arrives at work and lets him use his office whenever the lights and noise of the bullpen get too much, drawing the blinds and giving him the space he needs. Rossi doesn’t even question it anymore when Hotch shows up with a stack of paperwork and moves into his office for the morning. 

It wasn’t until Hotch made a concerted effort to make his life easier that Spencer realised how hard it had been fighting through life on his own. So when he realises Hotch’s birthday is coming up, he decides he wants to show his gratitude. It’s never been easy for him to express emotions, especially since he’s never really found it rude when people don’t thank him, but he knows that for most neurotypical people, appreciation is important. 

So he talks it over with Derek and on Hotch’s birthday, he comes into work to see Spencer waiting in his office with balloons, a cake, a card, and a present. He’d spent hours trying to find the right words to explain how he feels, to find the right words to show Hotch just how much everything he’s done for him means, but eventually he’d settled on something simple:

Caroline B Cooney wrote: “I found my family. I found the right thing to do. I found my way home.” 

I found all of these things when I joined the BAU, but more specifically when I walked into your office, hands shaking, clasping a letter I’d been waiting for all my life. Thank you. 

Hotch reads it with tears in his eyes before taking in the cake, a classic birthday cake Spencer had bought at the store, the words “Happy Birthday Dad” written in blue icing. He didn’t really understand why the cake had stood out to him, or why he associated the word ‘dad’ with someone who wasn’t related to him at all, but he’d trusted his gut and with Derek’s cheerleading, he’d bought it. 

“Oh, Spencer,” Hotch says tearfully. “Can I hug you?”

Feeling only mildly uncomfortable at the visible display of emotion Spencer doesn’t know what to do with, he nods and steps into Hotch’s comforting embrace. “This means the world to me,” Hotch murmurs quietly as he stands, hugging Spencer for as long as the younger man can stand it. 

Spencer’s still not completely sure why he’s managed to make him so emotional, but at least he can trust that it’s a good thing, that Hotch is happy and pleased and reassured. And if he can make him feel even a smidgen as happy as Hotch has made Spencer over the years, well. He’ll consider his long and boring trip into the city to buy the cake, present and card worth it.

Quick Note: Spencer is diagnosed with Asperger’s because that part of the fic is set in 2005. These days he would be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @strippersenseii

[lightlavenders]

Time for my Entrapdak rant (a.k.a. why Hordak was better for her than literally anyone else, a.k.a. I’m not bias I swear)

as I read through Entrapta/Hordak/princess gang discourse on this site I started to realise the reason why I loved Entrapdak so much in the first place, and I will now talk about that here (some of these points are stolen from better posts). ALSO no matter how much I shit on other characters just know this isn’t an attack of any of them. This is gonna be VERY ENTRAPTA FOCUSED.

OK SO we get introduced to Entrapta pretty early in season 1 and we get to learn a lot about her. It also quickly becomes clear that she’s neurodivergent - something confirmed to be intentional by many of the creators. Entrapta has a passion for technology, science and inventing, and (same as the previous princesses) the best friend squad decide they need her in the alliance so she can build them weapons (whICH SHE NEVER ACTUALLY DOES i think BUT THATS NOT THE POINT). 

Throughout the episode though, the squad (mostly Glimmer bc she’s the one who gets to closely interact with Entrapta the most... Adora being completely out of it and Bow with the kitchen staff) seems to slowly run out of patience for her - Glimmer very obviously puts up a front of tolerance despite her frustration. This is unlike the other episodes, where all the princesses get along in the end and become best friends oh boy! So... we have our only neurodivergent character so far who isn’t really welcomed into the group the same way as the others... and her autistic behaviour is only tolerated because they need her... okay, maybe that’ll change later.

Or not? When Entrapta joins the others on the quest to save Glimmer, she is constantly infantilised by the others and not taken seriously. She runs off to study Horde tech and actually helps rescue Sea Hawk, two very helpful things, but Perfuma talks down to her like a child and PUTS HER ON A LEASH? SHE’S 30!!! SHE WAS TRYING TO HELP! And no one tells Sea Hawk off for getting lost and alerting Scorpia to their presence, which wasn’t helpful at all. Then later, Mermista says she’ll keep an eye on her “in case she decides to befriend any more robots” like okay... she isn’t a child, and she didn’t run off because she wanted to play with robots or something?

Okay, so, Entrapta is left behind, which I won’t blame them for because it definitely looked like she died (they get over it pretty quickly but I digress), and she comes across Catra. Okay! Here’s a chance for Entrapta to make a true friend, right? Or not, because Entrapta and Catra’s friendship is built entirely on manipulation. At least Scorpia was sincere. 

Here Entrapta is again, in a position where she’s being used for her skills and in a we’re-sort-of-friends-but-I-only-tolerate-you-because-you’re-useful situation, with Scorpia probably being her only true friend at the moment. She starts helping out the horde, because they actually let her do what she wants and at the very least don’t treat her like a child. Then, she stumbles into Hordak’s lab.

I’m gonna say this now because I’ll get murdered if I don’t - Hordak is a bad guy. He does bad guy stuff. But so does Entrapta sometimes (I’ll talk about that later) so good morals don’t need to play into their relationship I think. It’s about how they treat each other.

At first, Hordak is very defensive and angry towards Entrapta, as he would be to anyone coming in to his lab without permission and discovering his secret portal project. But then she fixes said portal and he immediately sees her as an intellectual equal. Again, Entrapta has had to prove herself to someone by making herself useful, but it actually goes further. ALSO can I say how Hordak is the ONLY person who interacts directly with Entrapta who doesn’t treat her like a child or emotionally manipulate her, with the exception of Wrong Hordak, Emily, and Imp of all characters... Even Scorpia is guilty of this later.

So, Entrapta and Hordak start working together, and Entrapta is obviously very excited to have someone treat her as an equal (they’re lab partners!!). On top of that, Hordak is also happy to have someone he can actually trust. Catra and Scorpia at separate times both remark on how Entrapta spends all of her time with him now, and who can fucking blame her when he’s the only one that has literally spent all this time growing close to her and understanding her as a person, not just using her, not just tolerating her, not talking down to her constantly. Hordak opens up his trauma to Entrapta and she responds by opening up a bit in return, literally saying that she doesn’t fit in and that Catra doesn’t even talk to her anymore. They are obviously comfortable around each other, and if Hordak was manipulating her, then why was he so distraught when she was taken away? Why did he CRY??? Why did he consider giving up on his life’s purpose and abandoning what is essentially his god for her???

Anyway, stuff happens, and Entrapta shows that she isn’t the irresponsible child everyone thinks she is by agreeing to shut off the portal. But of course, Catra betrays her and sends her away. To die. How nice. Catra tells Hordak that Entrapta betrayed him, and instead of flipping out and turning all Hal Stewart incel “if I can’t have you no one can” he just gets sad... and then later all he really wants is to see her again, even if it is on the battlefield. I’m not sure what he would’ve done so we can’t say for sure, but I seriously doubt he wanted to hurt her.

sidenote - I’m not gonna blame Scorpia for letting Catra doing this, Scorpia had her own shit going on and was essentially trapped in an abusive relationship and she also later makes up for letting Entrapta down by getting her rescued

SO then the best friend squad go to save her from Beast Island, and she’s literally completely given up. Gee, I wonder why. Could it be because it seems like every friend she’s ever had has abandoned her, scolded her, or outright zapped her unconscious and sent her to die in a monster filled island? But the squad save her and affirm to her that they didn’t give up on her and that they’re still her friends. Actions speak louder than words, guys, but okay, cool! To Bow and Adora’s credit, they were the least patronising and mean out of anyone... so, that’s something. Anyway! Affirmations! Some respect from her friends! I hope this lasts... 

It didn’t! Season 5, Entrapta goes along with the others to help find out where Glimmer is. Here is where I quickly have to say something - Entrapta does indeed make some ‘evil’ and stupid decisions sometimes - hacking the black garnet, building robots that attack her old friends, walking out absentmindedly in front of a robot and compromising her team. Some of these things can be explained by her neurodivergence, but do not always justify it. That being said. Entrapta is not evil, she is not stupid, and her “weirdness” does not give her friends the excuse to treat her like a child. 

Here’s where it gets bad!! Perfuma puts Entrapta on a leash AGAIN!!!!!! WHAT? Writers? Wyd?? Not only this, but the others talk about her behind her back, and then scold her without any consideration for how she, as a neurodivergent person, was interpreting the situation. They could’ve explained their feelings to her in a calm way, instead of shunning her and expecting her to pick up on their cues, then exploding at her when they didn’t. THEN THEY CALL HER A BAD FRIEND.... and I feel hypocrisy in this chili’s tonight... and then Scorpia... doesn’t say anything? Girl help. Ik we can’t totally blame her since she was new to the squad and probably didn’t wanna get kicked out or yelled at like with Catra, but please... that is your friend...say something. also why did mermista need to pull her hair and then later say “you’re still a weirdo” like what. why do people ship them? because mermista cried when entrapta ‘died’? Okay??

I think Entrapta actually goes through some character development after this which is pretty cool - she outwardly expresses her concern for Glimmer, which is affirming to her friends the squad, and later at the end of the series, intentionally keeps herself focused during the most high stakes moment instead of running off. I’m not qualified to talk about if these traits, which could be considered traits of autistic people, deserve to be treated as flaws to be fixed, that’s a whole other bag of worms, but yay character development.

Finally, at the end, Hordak properly reunites with Entrapta and he decides to rebel against his creator and his purpose to save her life, showing that Entrapta, and their connection, is his priority now. And once Adora saves Hordak from Prime (thanks Adora), the two finally reunite in a spinning hug - that is literally the most physical contact either of them have had with anyone, how could anyone not believe in their connection and mutual trust???

Mermista gives us one last jab, an understandable one considering Hordak was conquering their planet for years on end, but still - “so, are we all just like, okay with this?” yes girl, we are. He’s literally the only one who ever treated her with real respect and love, the only one who ever prioritised her.

I know some people are gonna be like “just ship her with wrong Hordak” and if you really like that... go ahead I guess? But do we need to force a clone who just got control of his own mind into a relationship, or a girl who is very much in love with someone else into a relationship with one of her friends? You can do what you want though, it’s literally fine, I’m the one who just spent over 1500 words talking about why a 30 year old science woman should go out with an alien warlord.

In conclusion - Hordak and Entrapta deserve each other, because Entrapta deserves someone who treats her right, and I love her.

[uta-no-sin-sama]

HEAVENS with an Autistic S/O

I didn't think that the scenario I did of STARISH with an Autistic S/O would do very well, but thank you all for proving me wrong! I thought I'd continue that scenario with the other groups as well since you all seemed to enjoy the first one I did.

If this ends up being really long, I apologize. HEAVENS happens to be my favorite group out of the three and I got really excited about writing this.

On with the scenario!

-------------

Yamato Hyuga -

- His understanding is most likely going to be limited, so it's best if you tell him how your autism affects you. He'd be more helpful that way too.

- He'll be more protective of you, but not because he thinks you're incapable of protecting yourself. He just understands what it's like to be in a world that's not very respectful or accepting of you because of something you don't have a lot of control over.

- He can be a little intense and loud at times, but he'll try his best to tone it down for you if it bothers you too much.

- Since he's not the most perceptive guy out there, he's thankful that your stims make it easier for him to tell how you're feeling.

- Would be incredibly flustered if you ever stim with his hair or hands. Like his STARISH counterpart, he'd act pretty indifferent about it, but he'd be terrible at lying about his true feelings.

- Come on, Yamato. That blush on your face is fooling no one. Lol

- Non-verbal or semi-verbal? No problem! He'll get you a notebook and pen so that you can communicate with him.

- He wouldn't mind at all if you infodump about your special interest. He might actually infodump back if your special interest happens to be anything sports-related.

- Surprisingly, he's pretty calm and collected during your meltdowns. He'll try to get you to a less overwhelming environment and stay with you until you calm down.

- He'll stay back as much as possible to give you some space, especially since he's not that great at handling others' emotions at first. If you ask him to hold you, though, he'd be more than happy to do that if it helps you feel better.

Eiji Otori -

- Once you tell him that you're autistic, this man immediately starts doing some of his own research on what it means to be autistic.

- He'll even ask you for help on which things apply to you specifically so that way he can help you as much as he can or as much as you want him to.

- In his phone's memos app, he's got all your safe foods and triggers for your meltdowns written down so he never has to worry about accidentally forgetting something.

- He's a pretty perceptive person, so it's easy for him to tell how you're feeling without you having to say or do much. Your stims, however, make it easier for him to confirm his instincts.

- If you happen to have any harmful stims (i.e. pulling out your hair, banging your head against a wall, biting yourself, etc) he'll do his best to help gently redirect you into stimming in a way that's not painful.

- He loves it when you stim with his hands and he's not afraid to admit it. This is most likely the way he'll redirect you from a harmful stim.

- He happens to know a bit of sign language, so he'd be more than happy to use that to communicate with you if you want to and you are non-verbal or semi-verbal.

- Please infodump to him about your special interest. It makes him excited for you when he sees the excitement on your face as you go on about it.

- He might seem like he'd be one of those guys who panic when you have a meltdown, but he's actually good at staying calm so he can help you get through it.

- He's got one of the most soothing voices in the group and he usually keeps his distance while helping others calm themselves down, so it's no surprise that he's one of the best people to help you during one of your meltdowns.

Shion Amakusa -

- Once you tell him, he wants to know what being autistic is like for you. It's best for him to understand how it affects you so that he knows best how to help you.

- There's a good chance that he can relate to some of your struggles with being autistic, especially if you have problems with communication or managing stress since he has problems with those sometimes too.

- It's also very easy for Shion to tell how you're feeling without you having to say much, but your stimming pretty much confirms his instincts.

- He might panic a little if you happen to stim in a harmful way before trying to redirect you into stimming in a painless way. After all, he doesn't like seeing you get hurt.

- If you stim with his hair, there's a 99.5 percent chance that he's going to fall asleep. How can he help that though if it's so relaxing for him?

- Since he himself tends to not talk much, he'd be more understanding than others if you happen to be non-verbal or semi-verbal. He'd also be sure to carry an extra notepad and pen with him in case you need it.

- Please infodump to him about your special interest, and expect him to do the same about HEAVENS or about the cool birds he's seen while birdwatching.

- He might be a bit worried at first when it comes to you having a meltdown, but he's able to calm himself down relatively quickly once he realizes what's going on.

- He'd be a bit more helpful if you like physical touch to help you recover from a meltdown, but you may want to tell him to ease up a little on his hugs before he accidentally squeezes you too hard.

Van Kiryuin -

- Like Yamato, his understanding is also most likely going to be limited at best. The best way to help him understand is by explaining how your autism affects you.

- He might forget from time to time if there's something that bothers you - especially if it has something to do with loud noises, since he's a pretty loud person - but he'll immediately apologize if and when he realizes that he's upset you.

- He finds your stimming pretty rad! It's also a relief for him that your stims make it easier for him to tell how you're feeling, since he's not exactly one of the most perceptive guys out there.

- He'd absolutely get matching spinner rings with you and would melt if you stim with his hands or the ring he wears.

- Don't feel guilty about infodumping to him, he thinks it's adorable when your face lights up as you go on and on about your special interest!

- You bet he has a notepad and pen on hand with him if you happen to be non-verbal or semi-verbal and accidentally forget your communication devices somehow.

- He'd be more than happy to be your voice if you asked him to.

- At first, he might start to worry a bit when he first witnesses your meltdowns, but once he realizes what's going on, it doesn't take him long to calm himself down before trying to help you in any way he can.

- As much as he just wants to hold you close and never let go when you're having a meltdown, he knows that that might not be helpful for you or might make things worse. He'd never do anything without your explicit consent.

Eiichi Otori -

- He can be a very intense person to be around, especially when he's excited or passionate about something.

- With someone whose personality is as bold and as confident as his, though, it's difficult to not have the same level of self-confidence he does.

- He finds your stimming adorable! To be fair, he finds pretty much anything you do adorable. You're his angel, after all.

- Be warned: he might fall asleep if you stim with his hair. Especially after a long or particularly difficult day.

- If he heard you repeating his signature "iiiii~" to yourself, he'd be delighted! This might set off the two of you to repeating the catchphrase to each other until one of the other HEAVENS members tell you to keep it down lol

- Don't feel bad about infodumping to him about your special interest. This goes double if your special interest has anything to do with cars.

- He loves seeing your eyes light up with excitement as you talk about your special interest, so he doesn't mind at all if you infodump!

- He'd be honored to be your voice if you ask him to do so. He also happens to know a bit of sign language, so don't worry about communication if you're non-verbal or semi-verbal.

- If you prefer to communicate through writing, he'd get you a notebook and pen that's related to your special interest.

- As one of the more perceptive members of HEAVENS, it's easy for him to tell when you're about to have a meltdown. That way, he can help get you out of whatever environment the two of you are in at the moment and into a less overwhelming environment as quickly as possible.

- He'll ask you what he can do to help you calm down faster, as he never wants to assume what will help you calm down and accidentally make you feel worse.

Nagi Mikado -

- He'd be another one to initially be offended or put off by some of your behaviors, but he'd immediately feel guilty for judging you so quickly once you explain that you're autistic.

- There's no way he'd admit it to you, but one of the first things he did once you told him was to do his own research on what being autistic is like and secretly joining an online forum by and for other autistic people so that way he can better understand how to help you.

- He'd tread lightly on teasing you a bit for some of the ways you stim, especially since he knows that you might take it the wrong way and that there's a chance that might not understand that he was joking.

- If he finds out that he did make you feel bad about it, though, he will immediately apologize.

- "Ah, (S/O)! I was just kidding about that! I didn't mean to make you sad! ... Hey, why don't we go get (favorite food) so I can make it up to you?"

- He, like Yamato, would be incredibly flustered if you stim with his hands or hair. He'd pretend to not like it, but he secretly loves it when you do.

- He doesn't mind you infodumping to him at all. In fact, it helps him stay focused on getting schoolwork done while you get to talk about your special interest.

- If you're non-verbal or semi-verbal and happen to use sign language to communicate, he'd be very interested in learning sign as well as trying to teach some of what he learns to the rest of the HEAVENS members.

- Be warned, though, his method of "teaching" may or may not include him pranking the other members to believe that something that's actually wildly inappropriate actually means something cool or a compliment. He mostly does this to try to cheer you up if you're in a bad mood.

- Not me now imagining Nagi teaching Yamato that the phrase "I'm a little shit" actually means something like "I'm the strongest and coolest member of HEAVENS" or some bs like that lmao

- He knows that he's not the best when it comes to helping someone in a highly emotional state, so he usually keeps his distance once he knows you're having a meltdown. He makes sure to let you know where he is and how to reach him if you do need to hear his voice or for him to at least be in the room with you, though.

Kira Sumeragi -

- Much like his STARISH counterpart, he becomes a lot more protective of you once you tell him you're autistic.

- You can bet that he's got all your safe foods and triggers for your meltdowns memorized and written down in a notebook he keeps in his room and saved in the memos app on his phone. You'll never have to worry about him forgetting anything that might make you uncomfortable.

- Like Eiji, Kira is also pretty good at telling how you're feeling at any given time. Your stimming would help him confirm what his instincts are telling him, though.

- His way of redirecting you from harming yourself while stimming is to take your hands and let you stim with his hair or his hands.

- While he likes it when you stim with his hair, he definitely got a little flustered the first time you did.

- He learned sign language from one of his many tutors while growing up, and he'd be more than happy to teach it to you if you want to learn and you're non-verbal or semi-verbal.

- He'd also teach the rest of HEAVENS some sign language so that they can understand what you are try to say. He most likely wouldn't trick them like Nagi would unless they did something to upset him and he wants revenge

- The way your face lights up when you infodump about your special interest is really adorable to him, so he has no problems with you infodumping.

- Again, like his STARISH counterpart, he's really good at preventing meltdowns from happening. If the two of you were about to be in a situation that he knows is triggering for you, he'd do his best to either lure you away from the situation or to distract you somehow.

- If none of that works, though, he stays a safe distance from you as he helps you to calm down from whatever it was that bothered you.

[magiefish]

hhhhhhhhhh guess who drew all the batim characters in prep for the comic they’re making!

yeah so it took like 4 days to draw all these guys, and it was actually pretty fun figuring out colours and designs and stuff!

(also, update on the Reveries Twisted comic, I have a plan for the first chapter but i have like, 7 tests next week and I haven’t started drawing it yet so it’s definitely not going to be coming out anytime soon sdfgsdfsj but i am still working on it!)

anyway, i felt like writing little descriptions for every character, so feel free to read these below the ‘keep reading’ line if you feel like it! My ask box is also always open, so if u have any questions feel free to ask

Bertrum Piedmont-he/him, gay/ace

-Started working as a mechanic at about 15 and worked his way up from there -Everyone in the studio @ him: why are u british -His big ego often gets in the way of things, but at his core he's a good person (doing bad shit but ultimately having good intentions is common among these guys shdgfs) -Wlw & mlm solidarity w/ Lacie, who is his most trusted confidant and friend -Actually treats his employees well, even when they do basically nothing all day, so he does a lot of work himself most of the time Linda Stein-she/her, straight as a ruler -Parents immigrated from Spain -She's very catholic and very into 'traditional family values' and that sort of stuff -She is sweet, but her strict morals and black and white ethics often make her do unintentional harm -She is also pretty oblivious to most things Jack Fain-he/him & they/them, pan/ace, OCD -Mother immigrated from China to France, and then he moved to America, it's confusing -Can play the violin really well, but is terrible at composing his own pieces -Peak friend material -Short and round and soft with a love of a good espresso -Kind and quiet but ultimately ineffective and happy to watch from the sidelines Daniel 'Buddy' Lewek-he/him, aro/ace, autistic, jewish -He is curious and observant, but very very naive -He finds it hard to pick up on social cues, and tends to daydream a lot -Never really had a father figure, and unfortunately kind of half sees Joey as one (baaaad choice), but his mother is great -Loves drawing and tends to chew on pens (and most objects really) -Too young Susie Campbell-she/her, demi -Her parents were Russian and she picked up their accent, but taught herself how to cover it up. She is now excellent at voice acting. -Has a birthmark most theatres turned her away for. But luckily voice acting gave her another chance at performance, and the music department really does not care about it. -Her dad was a butcher, so she now knows a concerning amount about how to cut up and dissect meat. -She gets easily attached to things emotionally, and has a whole pile of random bits and bops she keeps on her person because she can't throw them away. -Naive, but smart enough to know how to read and deceive people if needed. Ms Abigail Lambert-she/her, lesbian -A very gifted artist, who is quite frustrated with the business aspect of animation. -Picked up quite a few things about engineering from Lacie. -Stern, but kind. Motherly, if she likes you and you squint hard enough. -Used to fighting for things. -Giving her food is a pretty good way to get her to like you. Being an artist, she forgets to eat at the correct times a lot, so a meals always appreciated. Norman Polk-he/him, gay, albino -Knows how to fix things, knows how to fight, knows how to hide -General cool uncle vibes -He watches people a lot, and gives off some creepy vibes, but he does genuinely care about people -Knows something is up and is determined to find out what (even if he dies trying) -Fought in WW1, then worked at a cinema for a bit. Emma Lamont-she/her, heteroflexible -Keep dancing even when everything goes wrong -Bit of a 'i'm better than these fools' mentality going on -But she's pretty chill, and willing to act when needed -Basically every woman in the studio knows her on the basis that she chills in the girls bathroom. -Hates Joey, but knows those who stir up a bit too much trouble usually 'resign' Sammy Lawrence-he/him, (vocal-romantic) bi/ace, ADD -His dad sucked, so he ran away. He's also the reason he's largely abandoned his faith, but he still holds hope that there is some kind of god out there. -He and Jack are basically brothers, they've known each other for a long time. -He can compose music in his head, but can play basically every instrument. -Tall and thin and sharp with a love of black coffee. -He's actually pretty chill and nice, but the conditions of the studio (workload, noises, dreams) have left him quick to snap and a stressed out mess. -He's pretty oblivious to his own feelings and spends basically all his time thinking about music, so he usually only realises that he has a crush on someone if he hears them singing (hence the vocal-romantic joke) Johnny Hart-he/him (she/her), gay (trans), heart condition -A nervous wreck who avoids everything and everyone -Trans but doesn't realise it, he thinks this level of discomfort has something to do with his heart condition or something like that. -Speaking of which, if he gets genuinely terrified or panicked he could have a heart attack. -Hence why he's a recluse who remains in the organ room and interacts w/ literally no one. -Except Dot and Buddy (who forgets he exists and who he also has a crush on). Wally Franks-he/him, pan -Friends with literally everyone who isn't one of the older folks (and thomas) -Honorary member of the music department because he can play a harmonica and vibes with everyone there. -Tries to put a positive spin on everything, often beyond the point of reason -A mischevous, mildly selfish prankster with a heart of gold -Gossip pals with Susie and Norman The Violinist-she/her, nobody knows -Has literally never expressed an emotion ever -Seems to know things are going to happen before they happen -Just generally pretty weird -She isn't friends with Dot, they're both just vaguely interested in what the others doing -She looks a lot like Allison, but the two have never spoken and nobody knows if they're sisters Thomas Connor-they/them, gynephilia -He is just. So tired. -An actual mechanical genius who gets his work used for the wrong purposes. -Is very of the 'when you're on a path stick to it' mentality -Cold and hard exterior that vertually no one except Allison has ever managed to get through. -He can and will beat you up. Henry Stein-he/him, gay, vitiligo -Nice and hardworking. -Doesn't have many emotions other than to draw. -He's in fucking narnia he's so deep in the closest. -Feels emotions, but buries them deep down and doesn't express them too clearly. -Has difficulty setting healthy boundaries with people and represses himself far too much. Joey Drew-he/him, homoromantic/pansexual, bipolar disorder, alcohol and cigarette addictions -Chaotic, feral, short little man who lies to everyone -Charismatic as hell, but also a terrible friend and person in general -He doesn't blink enough, does not know the meaning of personal space, and hasn't aged for about 4 years, which are all very bad signs. -Doesn't understand how to run a business but does so anyway. Doesn't understand how to interact with people but does so anyway. Doesn't understand how to create life but does so anyway- -He isn't pure evil, he just gets into very bad mindsets and makes poor decisions that lead him down the wrongest way to go. -Does some self evaluation and goes 'maybe this wasn't the right way chief :/' just a bit too late Audrey Dempsey-she/her, lesbian, Borderline Personality Disorder -Feral conspiracy theorist -May or may not be related to multiple studio members -Everyone's called her crazy for years and made her feel like a burden, and she is hellbent on proving everyone wrong -Quite socially awkward, and rather sarcastic with a dark sense of humour -Works for Archgate Allison Pendle-she/her & they/them, androphilic/ace -Is forever lost in a vintage clothing store -Most people say she seems nice, but everyone just kind of subconciously registers that there is something up with her -Knows a lot about the supernatural -The person closest to Joey, which doesn't necessarily mean they're friends -Nobody has ever seen the right side of her face Dot Acciaci-she/her, pan -Her parents are Italian, and she speaks a little herself, usually using it to encrypt her private notes -Mischevious & curious, but ultimately kind -She will find out your secrets, and is very good at reading people -Great storyteller -Struggles with loneliness a lot Dr Eleanor Hackenbush-she/her, aro/ace -Science knows no bounds -Doesn't care what your motivation is, as long as you give her some cash and some experiments -Filled with nothing but utter spite Ms Reina Rodriguez-they/them, demi -Tired of everything -Although she puts up a calm exterior, Rodriguez is very attached to the studio and views it as her 'new family', having a terrible relationship with her old one -Her family drama connects to the fact they're very catholic, but she nobody knows what this drama is other than Joey Tessa Arch-she/her, straight -An absolute bitch -Trusts her husband far too much -Not very smart, but compensates for this for being good looking and rich Shawn Flynn-he/him (intersex), pan -Jovial, but gets angry quickly -Willing to do 'wrong' things if it helps someone else out, kind of like Robin Hood or something -His mother taught him how to sew and he helped her make clothes when he was younger -Found it hard to get a job because he's Irish, so despite being tired of all the bullshit of JDS, he is reluctant to look elsewhere -Friends with Lacie and Grant because they appreciate his humour Lacie Benton-She/her, lesbian, trans -Tougher than the toughies -wlw & mlm solidarity w/ Bertrum, who she views as one of the only genuinely smart people in JDS and who she has worked for for basically all of her life -Feels like something is up, but doesn't notice much if it doesn't connect to her work -Has automatophobia -Friend with Shawn and Grant because she respects their dedication to their work Grant Cohen-He/him, bi, depression, jewish -Absolute madlad at maths -Acts like he doesn't care what you think, cares far too much about what you think -Everyone wants him to just get therapy already -Doesn't have many friends, but has a weird 'we're both horribly overworked' kinship with Sammy, so they usually just chill and smoke together -Friends with Shawn and Lacie because they're actually mentally stable and he needs some rocks Nathan Arch-He/him, straight -You should hate him -You should hate him a lot -Super rich and doesn't pay his workers enough -Silver tongued -Basically a spider. Creates webs of manipulation and lies, sees a lot, and knows plenty about waiting for his prey to come to him.

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hi Colour! This is going to be a long one, so buckle up!

Oh wow, that's so precious! You've definitely earned the "real life Dani" nickname haha I wish I could find something meaningful like that to do with my life. I'm actually autistic and have ADHD so hearing you do this kind of work makes me really happy! Keep up the good work Ms. Clayton! 😁 Haha

You sound like a lot of fun to hang out with at pubs! Haha I'm glad you identify with that bit of info on your star placements. I had a lot of fun doing it too!

The thing about Hozier is that some of his lyrics are incredibly sapphic to me for some reason, I'm still trying to figure it out. NFWMB is one of the songs that feels like that to me. Don't know if you've heard it before but give it a try if you haven't. If you close your eyes it sounds like you're in an epic romantic story and there are swords, pretty gowns, and rooms lit by torches. Haha

The beginning of this song was inspired by a poem written by W.B Yeats called "The Second Coming" in 1920, and it talks about an apocalypse of sorts, alluding to all of the horrors men inflicted upon the world which ends up awakening this beast that goes to Jesus's place of birth in the Bible (Bethlehem) to be born. The last lines being:

"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"

So the song starts with:

"When I first saw you

The end was soon

To Bethlehem it slouched

And then, it must've caught a good look at you"

And oh boy do I think of Dani when I hear that. Especially bc of that scene where Viola accepts Dani's invitation to live inside her. And nobody knows why she accepts it (but I do!).

And yeah at first glance you might not think much of Dani. in the beginning she's just a tiny frail small-town girl with a lot of anxiety, running away from her past traumas. But she proves us wrong again and again and again. She moves to a country she's never been before entirely by herself, sees an opportunity, and doesn't let go of it even when it looks like it went wrong. Then is very loving and tender with these children who have gone through so much and are still going through so much. Tries to fight (with a fire poker!!) the threatening man that keeps harassing her, the children, and her friends. THEN manages to soften the angry, grumpy lesbian who's given up on people after A LOT of trauma (too much in my opinion) and doesn't give up on her when she rejects her either. Freaking exorcises her ex and makes him stop haunting her so she can be with the love of her life. And then finally as if all of that didn't make her the bravest hero in this story, she literally stops an apocalypse from happening and saves everyone from this beast by sacrificing herself without even thinking twice. Saves everyone that came before her and then the ones who'll come after for the rest of eternity. I mean the P-O-W-E-R this girl has. 💪 so hell yeah the lady in the lake wanted to take her.

When Hozier says:

"Ain't it a gentle sound, the rollin' in the graves?

Ain't it like thunder under earth, the sound it makes?

Ain't it exciting you, the rumble where you lay?

Ain't you my baby? ain't you my baby?"

I can only think of Dani at the bottom of the lake laying on top of all the bones of the people Viola killed and how she's at peace living forever in a dark place like that. That's kinda hardcore y'know?

After the first verses, Hozier goes on to talk abt his lover, someone so utterly terrifying even the beast of the end of the world can't stand to look at them. But this song is also about being proud to be this person's lover bc nothing can fuck with them, not bc you are there to protect them and wouldn't let anyone harm them, but bc they're more than capable of protecting themselves and you too. So in my head, this song is Jamie's declaration of love to Dani.

And then I think of Jamie's devotion to Dani when she said "If you can't feel anything, then I'll feel everything for the both of us." shown in this verse:

"If I was born as a blackthorn tree

I'd wanna be felled by you

Held by you

Fuel the pyre of your enemies"

And the fact that she took what she could get just to be with Dani. She knew she'd have to suffer for/bc of her at some point, but chose to be with her anyway. I have no doubts in my mind she'd want to be anything for her as long as they could be together in any way, shape, or form. In all the lives they happened to meet one another too.

Wouldn't it be cool to see them in an AU where Dani is like a medieval princess who's supposed to marry Edmund to form an alliance between kingdoms or something and Jamie is an assassin who is hired to kill the princess so she has to pretend to be Dani's personal guard or wtever but they fall in love and run away together and Jamie teaches her how to fight so Dani becomes this warrior but turns out Dani is naturally good at it and then she becomes a legend? Hahaha I can see her riding a horse in the winter with paint on her face and her blonde hair falling over this fur-lined cloak, fierce look on her face, and Jamie riding next to her (always). Then they come across Viola who's a witch and puts a curse on Dani and then Dani and Jamie have to travel to all sorts of places and fight all sorts of people and go on this whole adventure to rid Dani of this curse. Maybe Dani has to go back to her kingdom bc her father dies and there are other people trying to take her kingdom so there's a lot of angst and suffering but then they win at the end after a lot of sweat and tears and they live happily ever after! 😎Hahaha

Anyway, I hope you're having a great week so far and hope you had fun with your niece today! (I know if I was her and you had us make fudge and paint I'd worship you haha) I'm sorry for the very (very) long ask, but I've been obsessing over this idea for months and I just had to share it with someone! ✌️✨

(And you can call me Libby or wtever since I'm not anon anymore 🤗)

Awwh thank you so much for saying I have earned my 'real life Dani' title is means a lot to me that you guys see that in me!! I am sure you do so many meaningful things in life without even realising it!! I honestly just want to make a difference and I love helping people so going into a career like this just seemed so natural to me and I really do love what I do!! Thank you so much I really hope I can keep up the good work!! I hope I'm a lot of fun- I know I have helped win a few pub quizzes and there's been a few times I've won games of trivial pursuit as well so that really did make so much sense to me and learning about all the placements of my chart was so much fun and was so interesting so thank you very much!! I have heard some of Hozier's lyrics are quite sapphic and I always mean to look into more of his songs and then just never do but I will definitely look in to NFWMB because the lyrics you have sent me here are incredible and definitely give of Dani x Jamie vibes I definitely agree with you in everything you have said about why Viola accepted Dani's invitation- Dani and Viola are similar in some ways and this was something I was explaining to my niece when she watched it with me. I explained to her that both Viola and Dani are strong willed, and stubborn, and would do anything to fiercely protect the people they care about. We saw that time and time again with Dani, how within days of knowing Miles and Flora she was out with a fire poker trying to protect them from a strange man that she kept seeing around the manor. And how Viola would've done anything to protect her daughter. One major difference between them though is that Viola seemed to have a slight selfish streak where as Dani is entirely selfless, she was selfless for the longest time in even agreeing to marry Eddie so she wouldn't hurt him, she was selfless in protecting Miles and Flora, and even more selfless in saving Flora's life and freeing all the trapped spirits of Bly Manor and then she is selfless in the fact that she won't drag anyone down and won't hurt anyone else at Bly ever again. The one thing she did for herself was being with Jamie- and she was able to make Jamie open up and trust people in way she probably hadn't for the longest time. Dani is a truly strong person as was Viola and I can see why she would accept Dani's invitation. I will have to listen to this song to see it from a Jamie perspective which I will definitely do tomorrow but from the lyrics you have sent me I can definitely see it being a love declaration to Dani from Jamie. Jamie knew in the end she would suffer because she knew she wouldn't be able to keep Dani forever, and knew that one day she would have to leave her- but she knew loving Dani for as long as she was allowed to would be worth that pain in the end and Jamie is a truly strong person as well for knowing this and staying by Dani's side anyway when that must have been such a hard thing for Jamie to ever have to accept. Jamie would've been anything for Dani and would've one anything for her as Dani would've for Jamie and that's why I love them so much. They loved each other so purely and without conditions and so wholeheartedly and it really was such a lovely thing to watch play out in front of us (even if it did hurt us all at the end). I think it would be so cool to see an AU like that I think medieval stuff is always so fun and so interesting and a good enemies to lovers start never fails either because there's so much tension there between them. And Jamie being undercover as someone to get close to Dani and them slowly falling in love with each other would just be a great thing to see!! And I am all for warrior Dani and Jamie (women with weapons is a little bit of a weakness of mine)!! This whole AU just sounds incredible I love a good curse in fantasy stories and the curse slowly taking over and you thinking they're going to run out of time but everything works out in the end!! Dani going back to her kingdom because of her sick Dad dying would be great for angst because it would look

like she would have to marry someone to create an alliance and that she would have to take over a kingdom (perhaps something she never wanted to do in the first place)!! I think this could be a very angsty one shot and could be so interesting and fun and the happy ending would definitely make all the angst worth it in the end!! I am having a good week so far thank you and I had so much fun with my niece today, making fudge went great and she was happy that I was able to show her how to do it because she'd never made it before so now that's something she knows how to do (I think she thinks I'm way cooler than I actually am haha thank you for saying you'd worship me though if you were my niece haha 😂) but tomorrow she is teaching me how to do something because I taught her how to make fudge today... she's gonna teach me how to draw in an anime style- which is something she is really into and even though I'm not she loves drawing so I've asked if she can teach me since I taught her something today!! There's no need to apologise I loved this long angst and I loved this idea I think it's really great and interesting and that song just seems amazing and I am definitely gonna listen to it tomorrow when I get chance!! Thank you for sharing this idea with me I loved it!! ☺️ Haha oki doki then as long as that's alright with you Libby is what I'll call you!! Like I said you can seriously call me anything!! ☺️

[punchholesinthesky]

I didn't know you could just be a boy

I was listening to a podcast today, about a girl who stood up to her parents at the tender age of four and told them that she was a girl and that she'd chosen a name. I'm in awe of this little girl being so damn sure of herself. I got super emotional listening to it and it got me thinking about my own childhood. It was NPR’s radio ambulante, the episode called “yo nena”.

I knew I was different from a young age but I didnt know how.

I just felt it. And probably cause I visited a lot of doctors and i guess most kids don't do that?

I learned that my brain was different but not the details. I had some vague notion of being adhd. I would not learn it until much later by googling different developmental disorders and learning about being neurodivergent and autistic.

I would later on go on to learn I was queer too, and though I had read the word genderqueer once and thought it fit, I hadn't given it much thought.

I was assigned female at birth, and though I have never liked it, I thought I was stuck with it, that I just had to make the best of it.

I remember wishing to be a boy so many times. Identifiying with male characters, creating ocs and alter-egos, acting the male parts (it was an all-girls school, someone had to), and begging mum to let me cut my hair short, and being so happy when people thought I was a boy.

I never liked traditionally female things, never had a barbie, hated dresses (there's still a photo of a tiny grumpy me being forced into a dress one of my grandmas gave me) and my school uniform was trousers 99% of the time. The other 1% was like official acts, maybe the first and last day of school, stuff like that. I hated it, but at an all-girls catholic school I had much biggers issues that complaining about wearing a skirt a few days out of the year. I remember the gym uniform being a problem. Not sure what the problem was. Something about tights maybe?

I never felt like a girl. But it wasn't something I could properly explain so when I tried to talk about it, with my parents or friends what they usually got out of it was the usual self-steem issues of any girl. Mum tried to help by helping me choose new clothes, telling me how good I looked. And trying to get me to be more feminine, teaching me about 'girly stuff',

But that wasn't it. I understand it better now .

See, it's not that I have self-steem issues about my appearance. I know I'm conventionally good

looking. And if I gave 1/10 of a fuck I can be a very hot girl. I have photos of pasts attempts to prove it. But it never felt right. It never felt like me.

I can put on a bikini and I'm young, thin, fit, I'll look good. But that doesn't mean I'll like what I see in the mirror. I don't feel uncomfortable because I think the person in the mirror looks bad but because I don't know who that is.

I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Bikinis are uncomfortable by design, meant to exploit feminine bodies and for someone who's already uncomfortable having one? A bloody nightmare.

And there's a lot of understand. Why the hell am I being punished for the crime of having a female body by being constantly uncomfortable ? Why are clothes so terrible? Why is so hard to find something basic and decent? Why are bras the worst?? On and on and on. questions I never got the answer to. So much confusion about girl stuff that every other girl i knew seemed capable of navigating.

For a long time I blamed it on me being weird (ie, neurodivergent)

Like, all my friends started caring about boys, parties, romance, alcohol and drugs.

I'd always struggle in school and one year I got literally left behind.

I struggled with depression. I tried hard to fit in and be like them. I tried to be normal, followed their strange rituals. I let my hair grow out, i went on dates with boys, I drank too much and made out with strangers. I got into trouble. I wore a dress to my graduation and invited a boy I'd been talking to.

It was one of the few times I wore a dress voluntarily. Another one was a christmas dinner. And a new year's party. I also wore a skirt to dress up as kate bishop. That's about all I recall. I did buy a dress to cosplay clara oswald but never did it.

I wonder, what if I had told my parents I was a boy and I wanted to be treated like one before? How would they have reacted ?

Laughed it off probably. As they did when I pretended to be a boy for a game as I often did.

I can't imagine them taking it seriously, even now.

I don't know when I found out trans people existed, or who was the first one I heard about.

But I do know I thought it meant you like hated your body or yourself and wanted to be totally different.

And that didnt fit me. I had never hated myself. I hated how the world treated me. I hated arbitrary rules based on gender.

My scout group was mixed-gender, but we were divided in troops and these were single-gender and divided by age.

But we all learned the same things. Whether it was building a fire, tracking, or cooking, we got the same lessons. Sometimes we competed and we slept/bathed separately.

In TECHO it was all mixed-gender. Well, except bathing, but often we'd shared the same bathroom. We slept, cooked, and worked together.

And nobody ever looked down on girls as 'the weaker sex'

That was cool.

My actual education was the opposite. Academically, it is better for a school to be all-girls, at least for girls. But socially, not so much.

As a teenager, I hadn't quite forgotten how much I wanted to be a boy as a kid, but idk I thought I had left it behind me. That what I craved was freedom, independence, the benefits of being a boy, not actually being one.

Later I would discover terms like 'internalized misogyny' and think that was the problem. Cause I liked Lucy and Arya, not Susan and Sansa.

Yet here I stand, years later. Having done a lot  of work. Recognising the value of Susan and Sansa. Appreciating Peggy Carter, in a gay and feminist way, and still not wanting to be a girl.

It just doesn't fit me. It's not a rejection.

I'm a feminist. I think women are great.

I understand there are many ways to be one.

That I don't have to be feminine to be one.

And yet, it just doesn't feel right.

After I learned of what 'gender dysphoria' was I though, 'oh I can't be trans I don't have that'

And then, I learned about 'gender euphoria'

And that finally opened my eyes

Trying to be a girl always felt like an ill-fitting costume, no matter how hard I tried. Like I was playing a part and didn't know my lines.

I remember cutting my hair short, like kstew, and going WOW upon seeing my reflection.. I looked more like myself than I had in ages.

I bought different clothes. Boy's clothes. I'm too small for men's clothes but I can fit just fine in clothes meant for 12 years old boys.

I cut my hair, put on new clothes, bought tight sport bras, and when I looked in the mirror, I wasn't sure who the person staring back was but I really liked how he looked.

My parents, for ages, tried to get me to 'dress nicer' to 'act like a lady' and so on. I cared enough to shower and put on clean clothes. I bought a lot of nerdy shirts which I at least liked. Did some experiments. Occasionally I'd make an effort but otherwise I was pretty basic. Loose-fitting jeans and hoodies.

Family kept gifting me nicer girly things I'd wear once and often ignored later.

It wasn't till I gave myself permission to truly dress how I wanted, and yes to shop in the boy's/men's section that I started to actually care about how I looked and putting more effort in.

I never thought I could be a boy, because I didn't know that was a thing you could do.

if I had been like that little girl and said 'i'm a boy' I think they'd havebeen at a total loss.

would they have asked my shrink? What would he have said?? It felt as though they were always on my case to be more lady-like but I know that's unfair. They were generally pretty okay with me being a tomboy, at least until puberty. And even then it was never that huge a thing. More of a constant annoying issue. There were many more pressing ones.

It's 2019, and I bet most parents would still be at a loss. There's not exactly a lot of rep or info.

I'm a lot happier with how I look now, but I still haven't found the right words to explain myself to my parents. I know I have to eventually, I want to stop hiding, to be visible, to change my name.

[comfortmarvelimagines]

when you can’t find the quiet pt5

request: hii!!! can you please do an autistic!reader fic where they come by the tower/compound to use the sensory room but peter and tony aren't there so security wont let them in and nat or another person comes by and lets them in (cause peter always talks about the reader)? i need angst resolved with fluff this week has not been kind.

Turns out, Tony wasn’t kidding when he mentioned making plans. 

First step was giving you whatever stim toys you wanted, to take away from the tower with you. Peter and Tony made sure you had multiples of just about everything, from chewies to fidgets, even your own weighted blanket (Tony wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry when you explained how you’d stack random items on top of your bed at home to try and imitate the feel of one). Second was to work out a leave-pass from classes, so that you could remove yourself from an overloading situation with minimal resistance. In the event that you had to leave, and it was bad, you had Tony’s personal contact saved in your phone. And finally, it was set up within FRIDAY’s security programming to let you into the tower to access the sensory room. Happy had even printed you off an access badge, in case you ran into Stark Industries staff who didn’t know about the situation, or who were less than understanding. Both Tony and Peter promised to let the people allowed on the floor of the sensory room, predominantly the other Avengers and Pepper, know that you’d be around; Tony had jokingly said that they’d be wanting to finally catch a glimpse of you in person, considering how Peter was always talking about you. All in all, things seemed to be looking up. Sure, some of the shitty things that came with being autistic and chronically anxious weren’t ever going to disappear, and you weren’t going to magically ‘recover’ (not that there was anything to recover from, because no matter what anyone says, autism is not a bad thing), but it was a weight off your shoulders to have a support system for when things got rough. 

So things worked out, for a few weeks. It was terrifying the first few times you went to the tower on your own, but Tony and Peter had ran it through with you multiple times with you, lessening their support with each go so you could prove to yourself that you could, in fact, do it. And it was worth it. In hindsight, you conceded that having access to that safe space had prevented several meltdowns, and you were so incredibly grateful to Tony for allowing you to turn up to what was essentially his home whenever you needed, and to Peter for introducing you to his mentor. Not everything was smooth sailing, though. 

It hadn’t been a great day, but it also hadn’t been the worst. It’d been somewhere in between, and you were okay with that, but you also knew that your coping strategies worked best when you caught onto the bad things early. Essentially: you needed to go and stim and self-regulate before you even thought of going home, to deal with you mom and homework and whatever else. So you got off the subway a few stops early, and made your way to the tower, rummaging through your backpack as you walked through the revolving doors for your pass. FRIDAY was programmed to let you up regardless, but not all the staff knew you. 

The pass wasn’t in your bag. Not even in the weird tiny inner pocket that you always forgot was there. Fuck. 

You were wearing noise cancelling headphones, so you didn’t notice the security guard was talking to you until he tapped your shoulder. The touch was static and you jumped, pulling the headphones off your head as you realised you’d have to try and talk.  

“Do you have a security pass?” the guard seemed bored, staring as you fidgeted, trying to come up with the words to begin to explain. 

“If you don’t have a pass, I’m going to need to request that you leave the premises. This is private property,” the speech was well-rehearsed and, as much as you knew this wasn’t personal, and you probably weren’t the first random teenager trying to get into the tower, the panic set in. You ran back towards the doors, stumbling around the other people in the lobby. A pair of hands met your shoulders as you whirled in panic, stopping your motion. 

“Y/n?” you knew that was your name, you knew you were supposed to respond and acknowledge and talk and make eye contact but that just wasn’t gonna happen right now.

“Was there a problem here?” the voice was cool, and sounded familiar, but you were more focussed on trying to stop anxious-flapping your hands, because this was in public and people were watching and if Tony or Peter found out then they’d surely never let you back here and it was all your fault for leaving your pass at home. Beneath your panic, you could hear a conversation happening over your head, something about you being okay, and “we’ll take it from here” (at the time, wondering who ‘we’ entailed was only a fleeting consideration). 

You only vaguely recognised where you were going as you were led away, guided by a light touch on your back, wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole and let you hyperventilate in peace. At this point, it was taking everything you had not to scream, or bite your hand, or drop to the ground, anything to make it stop and go away and ground yourself back to your body. Repressing the stims was physically painful. 

The lift was quieter, less glaring, less busy. As you looked up, you realised that the person leading you away from the guard and the crowds was, in fact, the Black Widow. Natasha Romanoff. The terrifying assassin, SHIELD agent, former KGB. Peter had spoken of her in awe, and rightly so. And yet, here she was, asking you if it was okay if she rubbed your back after saving you from decidedly scary SI security. Normally you hated light touch, but Nat was equally firm as she was gentle and her silent presence somehow made it easier to breathe. 

You didn’t even realise there was another person with you until he offered his hands, a reprieve from the painful, anxious pressing of your hands together, keeping you from pushing until your wrists popped in their sockets. The hands were new, but immediately recognisable; one skin, one metal. 

Bucky didn’t mind you squeezing his hands. You figured he barely felt it, with your hands being tiny in comparison. The metal of his right hand was cool, and you leaned into the touch as he pushed your hair back from your face, clearing it from your vision and allowing you to fully take in the pair for the first time (minus the disorienting overstim from earlier). Nat crouched down to be below your eye level, holding out the headphones you realised you must’ve dropped in the lobby earlier. 

“You wanna put these back on? There a bunch of people around this afternoon, so it’ll be a bit noisy until we get to the sensory room.”

You took the headphones from her, spinning them in your hands. “I’m sorry.” You cringed at the way your voice cracked from misuse.

“No. You have nothing to apologise for. You did nothing wrong. If anything, we’re sorry that security didn’t know to let you through,” Bucky’s voice was deeper, but no louder than Nat’s. “I know Peter and Tony would be proud of you for coming here, instead of trying to get home whilst overloaded.” 

Shaking your head, you went to correct him, tell him ‘no, they wouldn’t, it’s ridiculous that I can’t get home on my own,’ but Nat cut you off. “Why don’t we continue this discussion somewhere other than the elevator?” You jammed the headphones back on your head in response, reaching for her hand before you’d fully realised what you were doing. She glanced briefly in your direction but took your hand unquestioningly, rubbing her thumb over yours.  The two of you followed Bucky out of the elevator, towards sensory sanctuary. 

***

A while later, you’d climbed into the sling swing situated towards the centre of the sensory room, Bucky offering to push you. He was surprisingly gentle, for a super soldier. Natasha had stepped outside to make a call, to who you figured was probably Tony; even through the door, you could hear her recounting the afternoon’s events, of finding you panicked and the security guard not knowing and the whole mess. Bucky had explained that she wasn’t mad at you, or even Stark, just worried of what would’ve happened had they not arrived back at the tower when they did. You considered what he’d said. 

“You knew what to do,” it was more a statement than a question. Sure, you knew that the other Avengers had been made aware of the fact you’d be around sometimes, but Peter had never told you how much they knew about you, or just autism in general. 

“If you’re wondering what Stark and Peter told us, not much. I followed Nat’s lead on this one.” As if on cue, Natasha re-entered the room, running a hand through her hair. “I told Tony what happened. He’s not happy, but he wants to make sure you’re okay before he does anything about the security situation,” she noticed you twisting your hands and offered hers. You took them, tapping a staccato on her palms, but keeping your gaze firmly downcast. You felt her gaze on you, studying. 

“Kid, you look exhausted. Do you wanna take a nap, and we can drop you home later?” Bucky spoke up, ceasing the rocking motion of the swing. You had to admit, the overstim of the day overall combined with the panic in the lobby had taken a lot out of you. But at the same time, you didn’t want to inconvenience the people that had already invested their time and effort into making sure you were okay. 

Nat picked up on your hesitation (of course she did- she’s a trained spy). “I think that’s a good idea. Even if you don't sleep, you look like you could use a weighted blanket and some quiet time. You don’t need to worry about the stuff that happened earlier-” 

“We’ve got that,” Bucky interjected. 

“And you need to take care of you. I’ll get Stark to tell your guardian where you are, and ask Happy to run you home later,” she paused for a second. “We can stay with you if you want.” And you did want that, you wanted their calm, their steadiness, their control over the situation. 

That nap, spent curled up under a weigher blanket, legs across Bucky’s lap, Nat’s hand a comfortable presence on your shoulder, was one of the best you’d ever had.

[flameontheotherside]

Twin Flames Merging

Yes I know where is a book with the same title on Amazon. It took me a minute after writing my last entry about "Twin Flame Evolution", to realize we have actually merged and that's what I was describing at the end.

A couple of nights ago I've noticed my Autistic, Tourrets, symptoms were getting worse. Stimming was worsend so bad that anxiety flared along with it. I felt so stupid last night. I was literally WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? It wasn't funny. I had been fighting with myself about being avoidant about this issue. I may not actually be bipolar at all. It would be great if I could stop taking my medication.

It wasn't funny at all because I felt like I had no control...

And I love being in control. So maybe you can imagine the frustration of needing to bang your head against the wall, "checking out", dropping things, jerking around, and having to read shit over and over. I cant understand what I watch without subtitles. I tried to watch a movie with erik and it was annoying that I couldn't fine one with them. I watch movies I like more than once not just because I like then but sometimes I get a better understanding on my own instead of constantly asking, what is happening?!

It's not cool. At all! I felt like I was loosing my mind... And my intelligence. All week I've been fixated on messing with my OS Ubuntu installation on my secondary drive. I'm seriously concidering installing another OS on a third drive. All day.... Litterally I hardly move away from my computer because I'm so concentrated and I'm doing that, watching netflix, pause to watch a tutorial by some Indian guy. I was like, well of course...sorry. I couldn't really understand his instructions. There was a lot of frustration because I had forgotten since 10 years ago how to work the system. So I was behind and thoroughly confused. Had to keep reading the instructions over and over. The frustration triggered anxiety. Which in turn caused stimming.

For a long time I've fought over the idea of getting help.

It's appearent getting a job is hard because of my autism. I didn't want to face the reality that I really am autistic. I felt my pride slipping away along with a small part of my soul. A week ago I was writing about being stubborn and arrogant about the fact Erik really being my twin flame. No one can't tell me otherwise because this is one of the few things I am fierce about. Some jealous people (idiots) tried to tell me some shit about how they are his twin flame. No one have more than one twin flame. You never see three babies and call them twins. It makes you look completely stupid.

I suspected it and ignored it. Now that we actually merged, my issues are twice as bad. This is the negative side to merging. I don't know how Erik dealt with this. I hate feeling volnerable, I hate crying. For two nights I fought with Vince to take me to the hospital so I could get help. He flat out refuses. He's ignoring me and yelling at me about how I need to basically ignore my symptoms and work hard to control my symptoms. It's not that easy. Yes I understand that it's just an excuse... But this is seriously fucking me up. Erik and God talked me through a panic attack trying to calm me down.

They told me to tell Vince about what's happening to prove Vince doesn't care.

Maybe he's being spiteful. I don't know why he acts like it's not a big deal. Sure it wasn't in the past but now it's at a point I can't really function like I used to. Great I'm stimming right now... I realized Vince definitely doesn't have my best interest at heart to take me seriously. He just brushes it off and complains about how I go to extremes. Another thing Erik and God and teaching me is to look before I leap.

However this is serious but I don't need to go to a hospital. No, I refuse and I don't want to hear from Vince how his life sucks because of me. I don't like this at all. We need to finally split. Vince and I have been having problems way before Erik was in the picture. Now it's at a point I can't be in the same room with him. However I do feel guilty. I make him sound like an asshole but he thinks he has my best interest only he's stubborn and ignorant. He means well but he acts like an asshole. That probably made no sense... While he's ranting about my going to extremes, I'm wondering why the fuck I'm here. What's the point in all this? My life was a waste. No really it was. Need I explain how I put everything aside just to "look for" Erik and some of the trouble I caused while doing so.

He didn't kill himself just to ease his suffering.

We are so well connected that he felt my pain too. I felt like my life was over after he died and I couldn't understand why. I couldn't be in serious relationships anymore and I had no interest in anything besides sweeping everything under the rug. Drugs and drinking was all I cared about until my friends were getting married and shit. I figured since they were doing that I should try again despite wanting to waste away alone. Never was truly happy because I felt Erik with me the whole time. I was a skeptic but I knew better than that. I couldn't ignore my intuitiveness even if I wanted to.

I called this entity my imaginary friend because I had no other word to describe it. Had long since dropped my belief in twin flames. I was never afraid because it felt kind of comforting... And confusing. Assumed at first he was a demon then just some earthbound that wanted company. I didn't believe anymore that contact with spirits and shit was okay. Basically felt when you did it was a demon because spirits don't interact with humans at all. Although I've been reading cards, I believed you are receiving messages from your higher self or subconscious. again ignoring the fact I am a natural born psychic. I hated be psychic especially seeing future events. It scared me and I absolutely hate that.

😘 💞 💕 ❤️ Have a great day!

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and shit. channelingerik.com.

Submit a Twin Flame reading for free at TwinFlameMedium.Com and I provide detailed and lengthy readings starting at $5 per question at Store.TwinFlameMedium.Com

(◕‿◕)♡ Social: Twitter Tumblr Instagram  YouTube

[ronyxfic]

Educating the Victim - Act V, Chapter XXIV

Pairing: Pearl/Rose, Jasper/Lapis/Peridot

Rating: Teens and up

Warnings/Tags: none for this chapter!

Read it on AO3!

Educating the Victim Masterpost

(Previous chapter) (Next chapter)

CHAPTER 24: Finding

Pearl had found herself busy and quite tired by the end of her tour around the fair. She'd decided to head to the school library to catch a breath of fresh air conditioning. The summer was still on it's way but had seemingly sent a torrent of heat as warning.

It was a few hours into the fair, and Peridot had to take a break. The hall was too crowded, too noisy, and no amount of fidget toys were going to help her out in the long run.

Thankfully, Jasper was on the stall next to her, so she had some backup. When she'd excused herself, Jasper had reassured her.

So now Peridot was in the library, a place she wouldn't usually go to, but it seemed like the only place where she was safe from the noise for now.

She sat in one of the chairs by the computers. The equipment was antiquated. If she needed to, she was still able to use it, but for now, she just wanted to relax for a few minutes.

Pearl looked at the empty space. Empty, bar her physics teacher. She hoped Peridot wouldn't question her presence at the library.

Peridot looked up when she realised she wasn't alone.

"Having fun at the fair?" she asked Pearl.

"Had my fill, Miss." Pearl put her bag down. So far, so good.

"I know the feeling," Peridot said. "Unfortunately, I have to go back soon. You find anything interesting?"

"Yeah. A couple of people have me on Skype now so I should probably change my screen name."

"That's always a good idea," Peridot said. "You don't want to know my username when I was a teenager. Embarrassing. Have you seen my little stall? It's not very impressive in comparison to some of the other people there, but still."

"Passed by on my way out. The coach was manning it well."

"I could show you some things, if you'd like," Peridot offered. "You have an aptitude for physics. I never thought I'd say this, after all, you were a dancer before, but you'd do well in engineering."

"You think?" Pearl found herself settled down. Tired from the crying.

"Yeah, sure. You want to stay here for a bit? I'll probably head back, I've been gone for a while. You could come with."

"Guess I could. Your corner is a bit more quiet."

"A little," Peridot agreed. "Still loud enough to give me sensory overload. But I think I'll be okay. Shall we, then?" She held the door open for Pearl.

Pearl walked towards the room. "You get sensory overload too, huh?"

"All the time," Peridot said. "Why don't you go to crowded places, Peridot? It'll be loud! The neurotypicals enjoy it, so you will too! Indeed. Anyway." She grimaced as she heard the noises. "Let's do this."

Pearl almost felt tempted to hold her hand until she remembered she wasn't dating every teacher in the school.

Yet.

But instead she gave a comforting look. "It's lunch anyway. People will be going to the cafeteria."

"Good." Peridot squared her shoulders, straightened her back. Anything to appear a little taller than she was. She then marched towards her stall and relaxed a little upon seeing Jasper.

"I'm back," she informed her. "And I brought some company."

Jasper smiled warmly at Peridot and then saw Pearl. "Oh, hello, Pearl! How are you doing?"

"A bit overwhelmed, to be honest." She attempted to smile. Maybe these two hadn't seen her run off crying earlier.

"That's understandable," Jasper said.

"I'm going to show her some of my cool things!" Peridot said, getting excited. "Here -" She hopped behind the stall. "We got sweets and stuff, Amy took a bunch earlier. But more importantly -"

She grabbed several things from the table and the box of supplies behind her.

"Leaflets," she said, proudly presenting an array of physics and engineering leaflets from various universities to Pearl.

"Oh, and little games. They don't have a lot to do with what an engineering degree is like, but they're fun."

Pearl tried to absorb the information but the mere mention of Amy had made her uncomfortable. "Wow. Thanks...!"

Peridot looked up at her and frowned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah! It's just, uh, loud."

"No it's not," Peridot said. Indeed, a lot of people had left for lunch. "You don't have to tell me what's up. But hey, look at this." A puzzle; a miniature bridge to be built out of small wooden bricks. The trick was to build it up from the sides and then put the keystone into the top last; it would make the entire building stable.

"It's more civil engineering oriented, but it's still a similar sort of thinking," Peridot explained.

Pearl nodded gratefully for the distraction. It was interesting, even. "Oh, this one is cool."

"Do you know how to do it? I could give you some hints."

"I think I can figure it out."

"Okay."

Peridot watched, her eyes narrowed. A little sceptical.

Pearl beamed. "Ha. Solved it!"

Peridot raised her eyebrows. "Impressive," she said. "Do you want to see another?"

"Of course!" Pearl smiled.

"Okay." Peridot reached behind her into a box. "In this one, you have to get the red block out of the square by moving the brown blocks. You can't rotate the brown blocks." Only two empty spaces remained; not much space to maneuver.

Pearl looked down in thought for a few seconds before snapping her fingers and exclaiming, "Aha! Got it."

Peridot turned, frowned suspiciously, then stared at Pearl. "I don't think I've seen anyone but myself do it that quickly before. Have you been tested for ASD? Anyway, here -" She dug out some more leaflets. "Your physics grades are pretty decent. You should apply."

Pearl merely shrugged. "Let's be real. With all the things I've got going on, if I was autistic I really wouldn't be surprised." She then took her hands away from the blocks. Proud. "Done!"

"Nice," Peridot said. "Can't say I have more, but I can link you to some really good brain teaser apps, if you're interested." She shot a look at the clock. "Looks like it's nearly time to wrap up anyway. I'll see you later, though, Pearl!"

Pearl looked a little upset, clearly having expected more. "Oh well. Yeah, I'd like that. Email if you've got the time? I'll see you later."

Jasper was watching the interaction from the sidelines and stepped closer when Pearl left. "You need help, Peri?" she asked.

"I'm okay! Just gotta pack up all the small things. She's a precocious one, isn't she?" Peridot nodded in Pearl's direction. "You doing okay? All good at home?"

"It's been okay," Jasper said. "Lapis is trying really hard. Keeping her head down. I think we actually got through to her, she's not pulled any of her regular shit since we talked to her."

"Oh, I'm so glad!" Peridot. "I'm happy. Do you think she's going to pay for what she's done to you?"

Jasper frowned. "Pay -? I'm not sure what you mean."

"You know. Her feeling the full consequences of her actions. Making it up to you. Make sure she knows just how much you affected her."

"Hm. Okay." Jasper was still frowning. She thought she knew what Peridot was talking about. "Might try that. But she's been good. Here, I'll help you."

"Wow, thanks!" She smiled and let Jasper pick up the case she'd used to carry her equipment in. "Need to take that to my mom's car. But you like my mom and she likes you, so no biggie."

"Cool! Let's go then, shall we?" Jasper smiled at her.

--

Finally. Such a busy day over. The rest of the years would be attending the other events in the week. Pearl found herself alone. Eyes sore from crying as she stood at the corner of her school courtyard and lit a cigarette.

Blue stepped out from the table for a little while too. She was tired from interacting with people all day; it was exhausting, especially without Azure by her side.

She decided to step outside for a bit. She wasn't surprised to see Pearl there.

"Smoking again, huh," she said.

"You're one to comment, you stoner." Pearl exhaled in Blue's direction. "What do you want?"

"Just steppin' outside here for a bit. Gee, you don't have to hate me for existing."

"I think I have enough reason to." Pearl’s tone was deadly, before her face relaxed. "Want a drag?"

"Nah, thanks. I don't fuck with that shit." She pulled out a vape, deep blue and larger than her hand. "Azure gave this to me," she said. "Cool, isn't it?"

"Ughh. Everyone knows only douche bags vape." Pearl rolled her eyes and then blinked. "What flavour?"

"Blueberry," Blue said without missing a beat. "You want some?"

"Um. Nah." Pearl looked at it with envy. It looked fancy, too.

Blue took a drag, vanishing behind a cloud of thick white fog for a few seconds.

"So," she then said. "You're still not done hurting Rori, huh."

"What do you mean?"

Blue raised her eyebrows at Pearl.

"You must be joking."

"We had a moment today, geeze. I still hate her for what she did she she's free to hate me for fucking up her face."

"Oh, yeah, and completely rejecting all of her help and then getting the Principal on her ass after she literally saved your worthless life. C'mon, she loves your disabled ass. Least you could do is show her some gratitude."

Pearl stepped forward. "Don't call me disabled."

"Oh, please. Takes one to know one. It's not really like you can hide from me."

"You have no idea what I've been through. Leave me alone."

Blue's eyes narrowed.

"Well, have you ever considered in your tiny brain that you don't know shit about me either?" she snapped. "And I know more about you than you think."

"Only because Aurora can't shut her fat gob."

"Sounds like nothing I've ever said to you has actually gotten through your thick skull. Oh well, whatever. At least apologise to her at some point."

Pearl gave a nasty look before sighing. "I'm getting there."

"You're acting like it's the hardes thing in the world," Blue said. "It's just those two words, you know. 'I'm sorry.' Works wonders."

"Why don't you prove it. I feel you've got plenty to apologise for."

Blue looked her dead in the eye.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice exaggeratedly flat.

"That's bullshit and you know it." Pearl laughed, coughing smoke awkwardly. "Just leave me alone."

"You asked me to prove it, I proved it," Blue said, rolling her eyes. "What more do you even want."

"For you to finally get some feelings into that brick cold heart. Geeze. Why are you like this? Are you literally emotionally re-..." She paused and then sighed. "Whatever. I just long concluded you're a lost cause."

Blue swallowed. All humour gone from her face, she fixated Pearl coldly.

"You could say that," she said bitterly. "But hey, it's not like you care."

"You say that like it's a bad thing. I honestly don't."

Blue decided not to grace that with an answer. She took another puff from the vape, hiding herself in smoke.

"Edgy." Pearl rolled her eyes and stubbed out her cigarette before patting away dust. "See ya."

Blue just gave a non-committal grunt. Waited for Pearl to leave, then spat on the ground.

Well, at least she didn't have to deal with her.

> Act V, Chapter XXV