#conversation with myself

[melmodest]

I shouldn't blame my emotional immaturity on the poor upbringing that's been given to a kid who wanted a hug, but all they got was an earful, but I do. Sometimes I feel like I've picked up callosity, drowned the empath I used to be in a puddle left by October rain, because I love fall and my birthday is in the end of October, my birthday is a notorious date to celebrate, when it comes I cry. I stopped waiting impatiently for my birthday, when I was 14 or was it 13, or earlier? I don't remember now, but wishes lost their meaning and I quit believing, magic is something I love to dream of, I wanted to be a witch like Sabrina, but fantasies are luxuries I can't have. They never come true. I've long learned if you want to get something, you have to earn it. You have to endure. You have to bruise, bleed and sell your soul – better on sale to be a more appealing offer on the market of neverending, tiresome, man eating conveyor creating obedients, too traumatized by reality to keep climbing higher, residing in the order of things. The flawed ones are those who couldn't eradicate their courage and strength to break outside voicing their desires loud, because they have been storing some magic inside their pockets all this time, refusing to give wizardry up. Because they grew up, but kept the kid they once were close to the heart. Because they don't blame their poor upbringing for being a jerk to the kid. Because they learned that the key to keep on living is to accept the endless reeling and move on.

Or, maybe, I should ask them for their therapist's number.

.

@literaryvein-reblogs “callosity” was on my mind since the first time I saw word list (and that was a very long time ago, tbh), just clicked with me, I guess. I couldn't find the right place for it for awhile now, until I did. or I didn't. nevertheless, what a wonderful word.

[blabbershere]

"I hope we never meet again," I said, my voice barely steady to Anxiety.

Anxiety, ever present, let out a quiet laugh, the kind that sends a shiver through your bones. "One can hope for sure," it whispered, leaning in close. "But that's all you can do."

— Conversations with Anxiety

[lightpost]

That's the thing he never left me

I don't know if I left him either. we didn't leave each other I just didn't know what to do in that moment of what the fuck did I just feel

did I just feel a voice and it gave me a out of body experience that's way fucking better than LSD or Mushrooms or falling into the very pits of hell and seeing demons in every face

what the hell my life went from living on three paychecks to thinking I got it covered to I'll be alright to what the fuck just happened

he never came back cause my life got better for him to come back

he doesn't even know

would he want me after all these years

12 years of not knowing

what does that to a person?

yeah.

“You don’t deserve someone who comes back, you deserve someone who never leaves.”

— Unknown

[futurewriter2000]

"It just feels like- it feels like... like there's a weight on my shoulders and I can't do anything about it."

"But you give that weight on your shoulders."

"I know... I just don't understand why I can't let go- why I cannot just not care anymore."

"So, are you really frustrated because you are a caring person or because they aren't?"

"Well, when you put it like that... I don't know... I'm frustrated because I cannot do the same for those same people."

"Because they don't care."

"Yes- and they should! I mean... he shouldn't wait for me. I never wanted him- but at the same time, I thought there was something meaningful between us- even if it was platonic and now he's being rude to me. He flipped his whole personality and I should be happy because I dodged a bullet but it still feels like..."

"... like you have lost a friend."

"He still made me laugh and we could have conversations that never ended and I am- truly I am happy he found somebody but just the timing- so fast after we ended things... it just lowers my self-esteem."

"You lower your own self-esteem. Nobody can do that for you."

"What do you mean?"

"You let him have this power and you gave him the control of your reactions."

"Exactly... after everything that happened with my ex, I finally let myself give a part of me to somebody else and he completely betrayed that trust."

"So, you feel betrayed."

"Yes."

"And that makes you sad."

"Yes."

"And that makes you believe that nobody else is out there for you- that everybody is just like that."

"I know there are people, who aren't like that. I just... it's just-"

"Too much."

"Too fucking much. Too much of my ex, to much of him, too much of his friend group, too much of people, who don't care about me and I have to be there. I cannot avoid them. They are where I work, where I study, where I go to the gym."

"They're everywhere."

"Yes- fucking everywhere."

"And you're here."

"Yes."

"And you think that you cannot control your emotions and reactions when you're everywhere."

"Yes, exactly."

"So be here instead."

"What?"

"Be here. Not there. Be at work, not with them. Be at the gym, not with them. Be with yourself, not with them."

"I need a smoke."

"Go get a smoke."

...

"And now?"

"Now, I feel better."

"Why?"

"I realised what you meant to say."

"And?"

"And you were right. Like usual. They're not part of my life- at least my real life. Who I am at work, gym and other places- they don't know me and I don't know them. I do my job here- just my job and I cannot let my emotions and ego get the best of me. If somebody wants to talk to me or spend quality time with me, they can do that but when things feel off, like they do now, it's the best thing to remove myself from the situation and move on."

"So now what are you doing?"

"I am doing what's best for myself."

[angrycloudloud]

A conversation i just had with myself

Me: i'm half way of chapter 5 of Young Heroes.

My brain: you know what you should write after that? The zaundads story before "Young Heroes" and title it "When we were Heroes"

Me: cool... But i'm not even half way of the main plot of Young Heroes (?)

My Brain: yeah, i know... But after that one you should write a Timebomb one in the same universe, right after "Young Heroes" and i don't know the title of that one yet but i know the plot...

Me: brain... Please... I'm trying to write the main one!!! I'm trying to write "Young Heroes"

My brain: yeah, i don't care, for the record we need to make that one character justice or people is going to kill you.

Me: oh, they are going to kill me if i write everything you said in the order you suggested.

My Brain: oh, i know 😈

[mohaiminul978]

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[pinaple]

Me: I should change the gender of the two main characters in my story.

The Salamandridae Clinging To The Upper Left Hand Side Of My Brain: No you should not. Do you know how much you’d have to change?

- Yes, I do. Not much at all. One of them is barely developed and neither of their genders have any relevance to the story.

- You’ll have to rename them.

- They don’t even have names yet! They have placeholders, and they’re some of the most basic names you could think of.

- Yes but you’ll have to redesign how you’re imagining them in your head.

- Yeah that’s kind of the reason I want to change it. I find the gender I selected for them the hardest to draw and design for.

- Alright fine. But it will ruin the vibes of that one scene with the dress.

- that’s a good point. I mean we could make that one gender fluid. I think we were going to do that anyway but forgot.

- well then there are no binary men in the main character group.

- So?

- Well it’s not very diverse now is it.

- well it is, in fact equally so as before we had female, non-binary and male and if we change it we’ll have female, no binary and gender fluid. Besides, we have disability, different classes, morals and beliefs, lots of autism because I don’t know how not to write autism, lots of trauma, diverse family types, diverse societal backgrounds. It’s very diverse still, and besides, almost if not all of my other stories have male leads, this makes it diverse among my story collection, not just within the one story.

- Well it doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll just do what you want anyway.

- I’ll try, but you’re the one clinging to my brain. I have to convince you to let me.

[scars-bleeding-galaxies]

I hate this....

I hate you...

I just want to be safe..

And can't ever be...

Because of you..

And because I'm so weak...

And i hate this so much....

And I hate you for getting me here.....

[v-tired-queer]

Middle of the night internal conversation with myself about my gender ~again~

Brain: So we have established that you are, in fact, demiflux

Me: Yes

Brain: And we are absolutely confident in that fact

Me: As far as I'm aware, yes--

Brain: I have some news

Me: . . . ?

Brain: Pretty sure your base gender is actually male, but you learned about your demiflux identity on a very feminine day

Me: . . . I need evidence

Brain: No matter how you feel gender wise at any given moment, you literally go into a deep depression at not having been born male

Me: True . . .

Brain: When you think of wearing skirts and dresses, the only way you're fully comfortable with it is if you present as mostly androgynous with a male lean

Me: Yeah, you got me there

Brain: The feminine feelings that you experience come and go in waves that vary in intensity and that's usually the trigger for these late night moments

Me: Yeah okay also true . . . but I worry about using too many labels. And I worry about being wrong. Like, why does this have to be so complicated?

Brain: There's not a right or wrong way to be yourself. You get worried about using "too many" labels to define yourself, but people are complex, and it's okay for the lables that you feel best describe you to reflect that. You can use as many or as few as you need to. You can use none, one, five or ten--as long as at the end of the day you feel comfortable and represented, then it's okay

Me: Yeah . . . I'm transmasc and demiflux, with my base gender being male--I experience feminine genders in varying degrees of intensity, but at the base of who I am, I'm always a boy.

Brain: And?

Me: And that's okay 🩷

Brain: And that's okay 🩷

Me: . . . we're not gonna spontaneously review my sexual and romantic orientations tonight too, are we?

Brain: Dear God no, ain't nobody got time for that. Go to bed

[theoldaeroplane]

worried that thing you put in your art or writing or game or music is too self-indulgent, too self-referential, too niche for anyone but yourself? fear not! you can do whatever you want forever. and you should.

[melmodest]

THE ONE THING LEFT TO SAY

I'm gonna say something cliché,

but time flies too fast.

I'm yet to write about time

Through the prism of my eyes.

Am I really getting old?

I turned 26 just recently,

a quarter plus one of a hundred

a human presumably has in their store.

It’s been eight years now

Since my home became a blurry dot,

I found home in a new place

I was so reluctant to go before.

And, honestly,

I ain't bothered by numbers,

They’re just that – numbers,

but I am concerned about time

I have left to spend to love –

even hundred lifespans aren't enough

to love the world I've created

with the help of wonders befriended.

Time walks past and never minds

even one tiny peek at the past

like I do each time I sin,

opening the door for ennui to enter,

I've heard I'm a very good host,

not bad at guesting.

I confess I sin more often

even without my spirits sinking,

because my time is a little gold fish

has this tendency

to undermine my coiling bliss,

provoking my brain to make a remake

under a “Back to the Past” name,

forgetting the present is funnier.

Who am I to question the brain?

I do, btw.

I have lots of questions

for my brain to explain,

but the main one is always the same –

what beef does my brain have with chemistry?

Chemistry was my silver subject in school.

The gold was taken by literature.

I was awestruck, now I'm stuck

with this gnawing desire to write.

Silver would've suited me better than gold.

An apple doesn't fall far from the tree,

but physics makes me disagree,

too many factors affect the trajectory

of an apple rolling away from the tree.

Too many apple species

to make such blatant assumptions

brushing away the case history.

I'm said to have stretched the distance –

an old song I've been listening to

since the reins been held by my hands.

Drawing an opaque line,

they hold a loaded gun under my pillow,

ready to shoot whoever it is,

whatever it is

crawling stealthily to shake my ground.

Time has been very nice to me,

took an eraser stealing three years

of my youth. Not that I mind that much,

an amnesia proved to be alright,

pretty helping even,

my wounds got time to crust,

I got time to press the restart button,

go on a journey and start anew.

(I keep pressing the button.)

Thank you, time.

Very considerate of you.

Honestly speaking, I cherish time.

I see time as a frenemy I look up to,

but despise as well. As time passes

I get more and more flabbergasted

by its entrapping changing stream,

or is it me who's changing?

Who’s constantly shedding skin?

One day my hair may become grey,

wrinkles adorn my skin,

I may not be an agile night owl anymore,

but a morning lark

going to bed early before midnight,

or one day I may choose my fate myself –

forever young and beautiful sounds nice.

Sorry, I stole the spotlight,

I'm too self-immersed to veer off

letting time to show off.

Time is the main character here.

It took me a week to write these lines

to try and play a serenade to time.

In the end, the one thing left to say –

Thank you, time,

for letting me stay.

.

[heavyheavycream]

feedist kinktober 27 : boozy belly

this was one of the first things i wrote about em. i'm not the best at writing dialogues so i hope it's not to clunky, enjoy!

[notbecauseofvictories]

"I am going to get a good grade in ___________, a thing that is both normal to want and possible to achieve" drifts through my brain with positively alarming regularity.

[shalom-iamcominghome]

I love talking to rabbis as a recent conversion student because the interaction goes something like, "you're converting? Now?! At this time, at this moment in history?!". And they always talk about this influx of jewish convert students they've seen recently, and it's like...

There's this level of respect I get from rabbis for converting at this point in time, but... Has there ever been a good time to be a jew in the last thousand years or so plus? I'm imagining that rabbis and jews in general back in 1492, back in 1290, back in 1349 would have said the exact same thing. So, really, there is only a time to be a jew. Maybe it's not a "good" time, yes, but it is a time. And to me, that's good enough

[xmimikyuusx]

"Transandrophobia isn't real because that implies trans women oppress trans men" it doesn't, but do you think this way because you think transmisogyny means trans men oppress trans women?

"Transandrophobia is reactionary to transmisogyny and is just a way to make trans men feel special and more important" it isn't, but do you think that way because you think Transmisogyny is more "special and important" than other forms of oppression?

"Androphobia and misandry aren't real, so transandrophobia can't be" because you're basing your viewpoint on transmisogyny, and misogyny is the ultimate victimhood for you, right? Because we can't have a conversation separate from transmisogyny, because transmisogyny is the worst form of victimization, and everything stems from misogyny, especially transmisogyny. If you're not talking about misogyny, you might as well shut up.

And we can't have issues that aren't shared with cis people, because otherwise we aren't "really" men and women. Because white cishet people are the ones we should be looking to when we "prove" our identity through our suffering, right?

To be a woman, you have to suffer. To be a man, you can never suffer. You can never just be. You have guilt and shame and violence and self sacrifice to be doing if you dare to transition into power.

Because if you, a trans man, don't have male privilege, that must mean that trans women do, because we all live in opposite to eachother, even though the framework of male privilege is something made by and for cis people. If trans women are suffering, that must mean that you aren't.

You can't talk about your own life or struggles or else you're indirectly talking about trans women, and cis men, and cis women, and everyone else except you.

(And fuck non-binary and intersex people and whatever they have going on with their identities that shits just not important to our oppositional viewpoint, right? We can make them fit in this box based off of their genitals, anyway. Dont bring racism into this either, you're just being misogynistic if you do.)

[fiannans]

No, Bioware, you don't get to try to be cute and make jokes in-game about Rook eavesdropping on the companions' conversations when you're the ones who made the (debatable) creative decision not to let us actually have a proper conversation with our companions and get to know them by asking them questions like we were able to in every previous game.

"Hahaha, Taash just called you out on eavesdropping. Look how witty and meta we are." Okay, but how else are we supposed to learn anything about our companions?