#context is that. a while ago. idk how long ago exactly but like

[coyotepawsteps]

of course it’s at 5am on a friday morning during my weekend at my dad’s house when i feel a burst of inspiration for starting the teddy bears i’ve been putting off sewing 😔

[just-jordie-things]

megumi and the reader making out??? idk the context tho. but pls yeah? 🥹🥹

ok this ask is old but i saved it bc it was golden and open ended enough i am happyyyy to provide :3 :3

___

megumi is the kind of boyfriend that gets carried away... which might not be all that out of the norm, if he wasn't such an oblivious hypocrite about it.

he's all "sweetheart, we have to go, they're waiting" while actively hooking his fingers through your belt loops to pull you in closer. your reaction is seized by his lips on yours again.

he'd barely even pulled away to scold you, and yet here he was tugging you closer and closer until you were left no choice but to crawl into his lap, legs prettily sprawled over both of his in that way you both knew he liked.

and then he has the audacity to warn you again while his teeth graze over your lower lip, capturing it without quite biting down-

"you're going to make us late"

- this is ironic because he's all bark and no bite.

you should be used to this by now, as megumi always found a way to wrap you both up in the heat of the moment when you're supposed to be somewhere. this time it's a movie with your friends, who were probably awkwardly stalling in the common room. five minutes ago you were all excited for this movie. but at the present moment it's barely clinging on to the back of your mind.

except when megumi's busy reminding you how now is not the time for a makeout session. only to silence himself by making out with you. you could almost laugh- if you weren't rendered breathless by the hot and heavy kisses he's laying against your lips.

his fingers are stating to push past the hem of your shirt, and you really tried to get yourself to push his hands away so that you could put a stop to this while there was still time... but as soon as your hands land on his he's grabbing you by the wrists and pulling you in closer until you're chest to chest. you huff with a mix of annoyance and desperation, but megumi seems indifferent to the sigh you've muffled against his mouth.

truth was, he didn't have a care in the world how long his friends waited on you both. if he was busy with you- especially when you're being so good and pretty on his lap for him- there was nothing that was going to take him away from this moment until he was damned ready to do so.

he liked the way you pretended to struggle and convince him to get up and go, the quiet whispered whines of "gumiiii" into his lips while you, too, were too wrapped up in him to really care enough to crawl out of his lap. so who was the real hypocrite here?

so he chuckles when he feels you melt a little deeper into him, your arms heavy against his chest as your fingers reach into the hair at the nape of his neck, how heavily you're breathing through your nose, your chest rising and falling against his as you push just a little harder to be closer. if he didn't know any better he'd think you were trying to push him all the way down till his back hit the bed and you'd be victorious in caging him beneath you. (he thinks he'd quite like it if you had your way with him right here and now, even if that movie is starting in less than thirty minutes) but unfortunately, you're too soft pliable under his hands to make a move like that, so megumi gathers that you'll just give in to his every will and kiss until he decides for the both of you that it's time to go.

his hands squeeze the soft flesh at your hips, his lips barely detching from yours as he opens his eyes to get a good look at you. in this moment, he thinks you're the prettiest thing in the world. your brows furrowed in frustration with him, but your lips swollen and pouty as soon as they aren't paired up with his. no movie was more enticing than the image right before his eyes. even the mental picture won't do it justice.

"what 'm i gonna do with you, hm?" he muses, lips grazing yours before you're the one seizing forward to continue what he started.

and you both know exactly what he has in mind.

(yuji and nobara get a text like three minutes later with a horrible excuse standing them up for the movie. neither one of them are surprised but they talk their shit anyways !!)

[instantpansies]

STRANGE NOISES FROM THE HOLE IN THE WALL HEADCANONS/INTERPRETATIONS UHHH OBVIOUS SPOILERS. CLARISSA CENTRIC CAUSE. HOLY SHIT

clarissa is to locomotion as clara is to the nutcracker. she's the kid who dreamed him into existence hundreds of years ago. i know he says he's older than the devil - i think that's still plausible, he's existed since thought but wasn't attached to the Silver Line or brought into physical existence until clarissa, lonely or in danger or just bored, imagined a world where she could escape from her everyday life and live as a grown-up(? maybe? since benjamin/timothy/billy seemed to age up as soon as he went through the portal?), with freedom and whimsy and eventually a relationship with the friendly driver.

why do i say this? because otherwise im really fucking confused lmao, that first scene where clarissa and loco are introduced is strange in the context of the end of the play. they seem to have known each other for a good while before they get on the train. they act like a young couple who's stumbled upon the silver line as an escape from danger and now they're excited for their new life in a new, safe world. except that loco also says he's been driving the train for years.

(looking back, that very much feels like a scenario from a child's imagination - or perhaps a dream - where of course he's been doing this for years, that's his job, but of course they're glad they've found the train together, this is a new experience for her so it's just an extension of her perspective)

but clara is, she says, a child when she gets on the train. idk how old "little girl" is, but if we run with this headcanon and also assume that the timeline is both linear and literal, she's imagining herself in some form of a sexual relationship with loco at a pretty young age.

i posit that this can be reconciled in several ways (some more disturbing or inappropriate than others), but one thing that could be considered is that the first scene where loco and clarissa are introduced is symbolic of their relationship over the course of the train's history. depending on how old clarissa was when she first dreamt the world into existence, she might not have even been very aware of loco, and spent her time just enjoying the escapism or whatever. after a few years or however long, she starts to get older and decides to learn how she's actually done this, maybe spends a long time trying to understand exactly what's going on. maybe her research leads her to a relationship with loco, i don't know. they do get on the train together, maybe, when they're both young (or, well, relatively speaking) and new to the world, and loco eventually has been driving the train for years and years and clarissa makes it a bit more tolerable with some companionship after a long lonely time. but those things don't happen simultaneously, because i think those things don't really work simultaneously. that scene is a sort of speedrun/amalgamation of how the two of them have interacted over the years. and yeah i guess that means they fucked at one point in there

(im going to be transparent, some of that is a bit of cope/rationalization. i think loco and the conductor are very exes/begrudging coworkers vibes, but i do like clarissa and loco together as well - unsettlingly powerful girl x eldritch being with a soft spot is a very good trope. and im trying to make it work out okay? give me a break lol. you don't have to agree with me on this, but once i see a luke and tom couple with a fun and compelling dynamic i will not let them go even if the ethics get a bit hard to explain later on. sorry, anyways moving on)

additionally, and i probably should have said this earlier, a reason i think this whole nutcracker theory holds up is because clarissa holds a sort of unique power in the world. she's been on the silver line for hundreds of real-years, who knows how many train-years, and still remembers her name and something of her old life. loco isn't hostile to her, even confirming her memory of her name and reminding her of her birthdate. with everyone else (ex. benjamin), he actively discourages them from remembering their lives. despite seemingly being one of the oldest passengers, she doesn't transform for hundreds of years. she obviously has some significance.

you know how that ties in? if this is clarissa's world, if her mind is what created the whole thing, then i think it makes sense to assume it's tied to her. as she begins to question her surroundings, then panic as she realizes she can't leave, her emotional and/or mental state becomes less stable, less utopic, less perfect. the dream begins to turn into a nightmare. and it becomes. well. an ouroboros. the snake eats its own tail and the train goes in circles and the escapist fantasy clarissa once loved becomes a prison of her own design. trapped in the very thing that was supposed to save her.

maybe that's why anthony and benjamin can get out when they do - as clarissa's world decays, as she finally begins to become part of the nightmare, as she melds with the train, the world has to shift a bit. it's reaching the point of no return - once clarissa has been fully sucked in, the train will never stop again. falling into an infinite nothing. but in that moment, there's one final chance for the conductor to stall locomotion, one final leap that could at last pull benjamin and anthony and everyone who's been sucked in by clarissa's black hole of a nightmare out of the portal and back into the real world.

and now, clarissa has lost three hundred years of a life that should never have lasted so long. gained perhaps thousands of years of memories of joy and connection and despair and panic and forever forever forever. and she is once again trapped in a vessel of her own making - her body is that of the child she has not been for lifetimes. her world is dead and gone - not just the world she created, but the world she escaped from as well. what of locomotion, that brief flash of connection? does he even exist anymore? who is she, now? who was she? where can she possibly go from here?

shoutout delirium_undead on discord for going along with the nutcracker theory and helping me flesh this out. your ideas are so galaxy brained and i am forever in your debt

[fairydares]

loook i get why the idea of riding the "anti/pro" fandom disk horse makes people gag a little in their mouth and try to opt out entirely, but here's why i went from feeling exactly the same way to taking a firm profiction stance. I've been meaning to make this post for a while.

~10 years ago, I posted a fic for the first time and it got its own harassment campaign. The fic wasn't even sexual, and wasn't going to be (it remains incomplete). It was accurately rated T on fanfiction.net. Anyone in the Fairy Tail fandom will understand this: I literally got harassed for writing a "Lucy leaves the guild" fic💀.

After many nice comments, someone left a pretty nasty one. Hurt, I messaged them back. They acted super attacked that I'd responded (lmao) and after we argued, threatened to "rip my shitty story apart in the comments section" if I responded again. I told them "go ahead lol."

They went ahead.

Now know that it was a relatively small harassment campaign, but at the time, it was devastating. Right around then, I wound up in the hospital. After I got out, I went to excitedly check my fic, and found several reviews saying things I wouldn't repeat to my worst enemy. I was suicide-baited more than once, told "thank fuck you finally abandoned this shitty story, dumb cunt," stuff like that.

There were several accounts involved, and I can't say for sure, but I suspect at least a couple different people were involved, though probably at least half of it was one person.

All the other comments were screeching about how I hadn't updated, mostly. "NO UPDAAATEE WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO MEEEE??!!!" was one that stood out after I'd been miserable in a hospital for an extended period of time.

Idk what people think is going on when FT fic authors write this trope, and frankly I don't give a fuck. Because while I was partly writing the story out of some young, cringe feminist rage, I also did genuinely have a real story I was compelled to tell. I was inspired by another, popular fic I loved which used the trope to talk about how trying to shoulder our burdens alone really just hurts both ourselves and everyone who cares about us.

My own story was ultimately going to have similar themes, with more focus on strength, what it means, and in what contexts earning and having it actually matters. In retrospect, no wonder I wound up in hot water, because at the time "Lucy vs. Strength vs. Misogyny" was the FT fandom's Designated Nonsensically Activist Debate™. But that's partly why i wanted to write about it; engaging with the fandom had gotten me thinking about it 🤷‍♂️

Not too long after that, FFNet oh-so-benevolently granted us the ability to delete comments from our own stories (they never took my reports seriously at all, afaik). I deleted all or most of the harassers' comments (may still be a one or two up, and i'm fairly sure there's a couple comments defending my fic from the harassment) without saving screenshots, which I really regret now. I was just so mortified and full of self-loathing about the whole thing that i wanted to forget it completely. Something that had brought me joy at a very lonely, vulnerable period of my life had turned so negative, and i couldn't even tell the people closest to me about it without being made fun of for writing anime fan fiction.

I didn't understand why this happened at the time, but--after a period of trying to forget/bid out of it all with a slight anti lean (a common approach I see people use, and one which I'm not proud of adopting)--I just had to figure out What the Fuck Even Happened There. And I'm telling you, after years of reflecting, wrestling with both sides, and educating myself, that this "status quo of harassment" culture which pervades fandom goes way deeper than you think and comes out of a way darker well than you probably realize. An astonishing amount of this is, quite literally, TERF shit and evangelical shit.

Trying to be in fandom and take a stance of, "Anti/Pro shit? Ew, I'm Not Touching that," is like swimming in a heavily polluted river and being like, "Poison? Cringe. Not me lol."

You might be lucky enough to be in a less-polluted part of the river (AKA a relatively non-toxic fandom, in which case good for you!)...but tbh this rhetoric and peer-signalling will still seep in.

I can't stress enough that pro-fiction, AKA "proship", is the normal, leftist-about-art-and-sex opinion. Pro-ship is against all the horrible things you're against; in fact, pro-ship isn't trivializing real trauma by equating it with fictional trauma, or trying to apply literal evangelical/radfem solutions--which are proven not to prevent or help. Profiction/proship is literally just saying, "Fiction is fiction, reality is reality, and the two don't have a 1:1 relationship. And historically, trying to censor just things we've decided are bad has done nothing but get LGBTQ+ and POCs censored. Therefore, depictions of illegal things shouldn't be censored." That's it. "Proshippers all ship problematic ships," is a brazen lie. Many of them share other fans' disgust for those ships, they just don't believe in censoring fic authors over it.

It is also taking a stand against harassment because--and I hope my own story has helped drive this home--as with all groups who adopt ingroup/outgroup thinking, antis are defined by their tactics, not actual stances on real, serious issues. What happened to me was absolutely a result of anti, "it's okay to 'bully out' anything I just don't like" mindset pervading fandom. In a way, this was the mindset's final form. They didn't even feel the need to cite a reason the trope was "bad" or "wrong"; it annoyed them, and they viewed their own feelings as a valid enough pathway for policing to go right ahead and do so.

In the interest of offering solutions instead of just bitching about problems, I might make a "how to know if you've bought into these types of views"-type post sometime. Also might come back to this and provide some sources/citation.

[witheredsnow]

My first blogged short story awhile ago that I just thought of posting to... Idk. I guess to relieve myself of some things by turning it into embellished fiction. It was more well-received than I thought. Now this is the third. Thanks for reading. -Rei

It's Not the Same, a short story on an aroace POV

Sunny mornings, cool windy breezes and the sparse green. That was what most days were like with you, my dearest friend.

Sprawled on the ground of your small yard. Green was hard to come by sadly.

We were both young and lived like the world was a fantasy.

Although, I wished I could be in a better fantasy. With you, of course.

A cottage in the woods, surrounded by green, yellows, blues, pinks and violets. Even young, I wanted an idyllic life.

Wouldn't that be a great fantasy.

And I told you about it. Would you want to be there with me too? When we're both older and have to live in reality, let's have this piece of fantasy. Together.

Oh how happy my words made you look. Sparkly eyed youth with red tinted cheeks.

Then you held out your pinky... Oh, right. Of course I would promise.

I want to be with you even years later. And I know you feel the same way as you told me too.

...

.....

But perhaps, it wasn't exactly the same way.

...

We grew older into bigger kids though still kids and still the closest of bonds there is.

Adults say we look cute together as we continue to grow older. Mmm... I mean, I suppose? Individually we look cute, so together we're cuter. I think I understand the logic.

Or maybe I misunderstood.

... I don't know.

Hm? You seem more timid when they say that.

Everyone looked on with a knowing smile or glance.

I... Really don't understand.

...

....

And sometimes I wished I continued to stay ignorant.

But that would be unfair to you, no?

...

Getting even older. It wasn't that exciting to me, in all honesty.

I think I'm starting to get into the reality of growing older... Not that fun. Oh, how I daydreamed of our childhood fantasies when I'm bored.

I never gave up on that dream as I continue to dream it night and day. Do you still remember?

Of course you do. You would encourage and support me too. I know I will want you to be there with me.

You know, that was what I was most looking forward to in getting older. To be with you in that fantasy like I've told you many years ago.

You smiled softly at the declaration I said out loud.

Although, these days... I don't think it'll be just as I wanted. I... Don't know what it is. I don't know where is it not what I wanted.

...

....

But later, I know what it was.

....

Huh? Pardon? What did you say?

My mind stopped working. Or rather, it was working but it was working to block out the words I don't understand why I was denying. Did that make sense?

Hm... Anyway, erm, I understand what you said that you were feeling. Towards me to be exact. And I understand the context of said feelings...

Maybe I did a while ago...

If I said I don't feel the same way or rather, I never will feel the same and I never did feel the same... No, that's not an 'if'. I should say it and I did.

The eyes that looked at me fondly and with growing attraction I chose to ignore when I became aware of its nature now looked hurt. Because I hurt you with this truth.

You thought I felt the same. That I liked you... Or possibly even loved you.

And I did and still do. But... It wasn't ever the same way as you. It took me long to be aware of that.

I... I'm sorry.

...

.....

It wasn't the same ever since that day and I sometimes grieved because of that fact.

So this is reality for us, huh.

....

You looked great together.

I said that as I attended your wedding. Now those words are truly fitting.

You smiled a small smile as I did the same.

It really wasn't the same anymore. But that's not always a bad thing. If it meant that I could see you smile again and have your heart be reciprocated the same way, then it definitely isn't now.

You're still my dearest friend... No matter what.

...

.....

"Hey... So house—or rather, cottagewarming party soon?"

"Yeah. Don't be late."

...

[davycoquette]

Find the Word Tag

Thanks so much for the tag, @marlowethelibrarian! The words you chose were, um

these snippets are almost all bonks

BURN

“Look up. Now.”

He did. He tried to focus on the soldier’s eyebrows, then his nose, his mouth. It didn’t matter. The laser burn seared his eyes, which wept instantly. But it wasn’t like staring into the sun, as he’d imagined. He didn’t experience the urge to close his eyes or look away.

Context: Futuristic setting. Character has been approached by militant police force with augmented peeper-scanners, apparently. This is pretty old, but it was an interesting find for me when I searched the word!

He gives a Mona Lisa smile and says, “It’s better this way, isn’t it?” He cleansed his dialect of its Smoky Mountain flavor long ago, about the time he burned the prints off his fingertips.

Context: Shiloh don't got no fingerprintz

Ruck Ward does not have the premonition the barmaid has, but he feels the phantom burn of their eyes on him. Maybe his time has come.

Context: Gee whillikers I sure like to burn people with other people's eyeballs. (Classic old west saloon scene.)

DROWN

Context: Trick has a really fucked up dream while in the hospital after getting creamed by a Miata.

A merry-go-round. He was the only one riding. Mountain lions with their faces frozen in idiotic rictuses bounded around him, paws stretched out, backs saddled, impaled by swirled poles. 

Trick reached down and tangled his fingers in the mane under him. He imagined a speckled horse, broad back between his legs, clown music fragmented by splintering bone.

He dropped his head, chin against his collarbone, blinking to clear the chaotic swimming of his vision. His hands were full of orangey hair. He turned them over, gripping it in wads. Bore his thighs against the saddle, let blood drip from his nostril into the carroty frizz. His brain was full of grinding bone; it drowned out everything else.

His hands drooped apart, revealing a human neck. A silky dress with a lacy rim. The silhouette of a bitchin’ mullet below him. Under his saddle, the frame of an impossibly tiny man hunched over underneath him, poked through with the glitzy gold pole.

Trick woke up thrashing, and narrowly avoided kicking the nurse assigned to him in the jaw.

SUFFOCATE

Context AND !!!CONTENT WARNING!!!: Oh no, this one's fucked up too! Shady has turned into a werewolf and is eating his sister in the root cellar while their older brother guards the door. No one should read this, honestly; I don't even know what kind of content warning to slap on it. It's a family of deranged, deeply isolated moonshiners in the 1920s.

She says, “Oh, Shady,” a little louder. Argent is aware of something else — something quaking his chest like a winter thunderstorm. Deafeningly silent, suffocating. And his sister is saying, “Oh, Shady,” and her voice is growing higher and louder, the words coming closer together before they wrench apart into a scream every bit as animal as a bobcat’s cry out in the woods. The hand that’s not gripping the shotgun dives into his pants and he shudders the door from the outside as the screams intensify then gargle and sputter into silence.

CHOKE

Context: Shiloh has a poem written for him read aloud to him and thinks deranged thoughts about it idk every single one of these words has brought forth such unhinged writing snippets y'all please don't stop liking me lmfao

Not in a hundred years would he have thought he would receive poetry; that he would be anybody’s muse. And maybe that wasn’t exactly what was going on, but it was the way he chose to look at it. And, and! maybe it was about Shiloh stabbing him, and fucking him, and devouring his heart, but that was their love language. Not so much these days, thankfully, but that was how it all started. He still felt desperate to sink his teeth in deeper. He'd love to carve initials on his heart, or just choke it down and lock it inside himself. Hold it for him; keep it safe and coyote-temperature until the end.

Taglist:

@albatris @capnmachete @harmonic-melodii @illarian-rambling @michellekarnold

@nathaniel-zellos

@sableglass

@saturnine-saturneight

Your words are:

SHINE, DELICATE, TEETH, SCREAM

Also I know some of y'all have already done this one! Please feel free to ignore, or do it again with the new words. ❤

[aestheticitii]

so i was going through book 6, in search of ash and embla crumbs, but found this:

Askr: Long ago, Embla and I both granted our power to mortals so that they might use those powers to flourish. We selected different peoples. I chose those born in what is now called Askr. She, of course, chose those born in what is now Embla... And for a time, the two peoples lived separately from each other, and they were content. Bruno: Then...why? Askr: It all started with a simple misunderstanding. Some of the Emblian people came to Askr. They were attracted by the way open exchange was valued there. This, however...enraged Embla. Bruno: ... Askr: She believed those people chose to desert her in favor Askr, and she could not forgive that. Her people, of course, had no such feelings... But she refused to believe anything they said. Embla forbade her people to leave to other worlds. Anyone who did not obey was punished, severely. The people grew to fear Embla, and the number that fled from her only grew... Bruno: ...Naturally. Askr: I know she was deeply hurt, and that hurt only grew deeper... Everyone left her, and she was completely alone... I cannot begin to imagine her pain. I offered to help her, but she met me with hatred and refused. There was nothing I could do. In the end, Embla used her power to completely close off her world. That way, those people who were still with her would no longer have even the possibility of leaving. Then she took control of their very hearts and turned them to her will so there was no chance of betrayal...

so according to askr, the timeline is:

emblians come to askr -> embla overreacts and overcorrects -> askr tries to get her to stand down -> she starts harming mortals

but according to the flashbacks we see from embla, the timeline is:

embla gives aid to the emblians -> one of them attacks her all of a sudden, giving her the shock of her life -> she goes to askr to convince him to step away but he refuses -> she goes beserk

both of them could be entirely unreliable on what actually went down. because embla's flashbacks are basically some of the most important moments in her life, while askr has always been inclined to give mortals the benefit of the doubt.

(of course, it could just be a last minute addition)

but when exactly does embla's scare with death happen?

because it could completely change the context of why she did those things

option 1: if they went to askr first, they saw how askr had open exchange, one mortal attacked embla because she got mad or maybe just because they felt cheated, she forbade them all from leaving, things escalated option 2: a mortal attacked her first, then some folks went to askr, which prompted embla to forbid them from potentially causing harm to askr option 3: they went askr, she did actually overreact and forbid them from going, then one mortal tried to kill her, and then she overreacted even more

but like idk if it's just me, but i feel like reaction no. 3 is kind of weird. elm's wording is pretty strange. sure he's an unreliable narrator who hates mortals, but he also explicitly tells her that they'll hate her if she starts killing them, as if they don't hate her right now

so they didn't hate her then?

this is his line:

Elm: But if you kill them, the mortals are sure to spread rumors about you, to sow fear and vile intent... Even those who now love you dearly will retreat from you... If you would, please reconsider, Lady Embla.

like, what does that mean?? because askr seems to think that her punishments drove them all away, but if we believe elm at face value, this is before that. like he's sort of saying, the ones who are innately cruel and/or don't care for embla as much will sow fear, until even her most devoted mortals will leave her?

so if we believe elm. then her shutting down the border is in active response to the incident?

and did she tell askr what happened exactly? because embla in the english version never says that a mortal tried to kill her. only that they'll betray him, even though he puts in so much energy for them. and in jp, she uses the word for betrayal/double-crossing but i'm not sure if it has connotations of death.

so did askr think she was just being her gloomy self?

especially considering she wasn't very enthused about helping them and only really did it because of askr.

and embla implicitly says that her motivation is to ensure that askr is safe. that he doesn't end up betrayed. and she only sets it into motion after askr refuses her, and it doesn't seem to be prompted by a desire to keep them by her side.

Embla: So, this is the true face of these mortal beasts... Of course it is. There will be those who come for Askr's life as well... They will betray the trust he places in them so blindly. And this is all the proof I need. Elm: Right you are. But even so... Embla: ...I must kill them.

like does that look like the thought process of a yandere (for mortals) to you? if anything, she's lowkey yan for askr.

(only lowkey, because i'm sure self-preservation plays a role as well)

and clearly, the part about her killing them and askr confronting her for it has to be the "punishment" for trying to leave and him offering to help her, but her "meeting him with hatred."

could it be that he simply assumed the betrayal was them approaching him, when it was actually the murder attempt? and that when she was talking about him being betrayed, she was saying they'd turn their back on him and be ungrateful? especially since that sounds like something she'd say

plus, this is a very weird reaction for someone who wants to kill mortals because of her fear that they'll betray askr as well and hurt her again

Enough, enough, ENOUGH! Get out from my sight! If the mortals love you so, then so be it! They detest me. May they all seek your company and be happy—and leave me alone. Wretched! All of you!

elm told her this would happen, so why is she surprised? this feels kind of different from when she knew how askr would act and was still in disbelief that he let himself die.

like, maybe i'm digging too much into this, but could it be that the fact that askr starts of the conversation worried about mortals sets her off? she even tells him off for calling their lives precious.

i don't doubt that askr was right on the money about her still caring about mortals. i also don't doubt that he was genuinely concerned about her as well.

and i don't hold it against him, but it feels like that wasn't what she needed to hear, which is why she spiraled further.

the whole problem was that embla was at a point that she felt she could only trust her kind (elm and askr), but askr was consistently betraying her expectations in favor of mortals

like, i suspect the only reason she brings up the mortals leaving her is because askr's convinced that her attachment issues to them are the problem.

it's a mix of the fact that she was attacked first, that they all go to askr when they could pose a threat to him, which freaks her out, and askr's continued insistence on trusting them.

(i do, however, think that this line from her playable self does actually refer to mortals.

The mortals chose Askr. All of them. Over me...

though it does seem out of place, there's just no way to finagle that as her actually talking about askr. i think this is just a result of her having had centuries to mull the events over in her head.

and i say out of place because she also says this:

Mortals once loved me as they do Askr… I had no choice.

so like she knows she drove them off, but she still says the prior line? which further plays into the idea of her wanting protect herself and protect askr?

honestly, the first line might just be in reference to the fact that no one stopped to try and figure out why she was going beserk when she'd been a perfectly benevolent person before then and just ran to askr.

they basically discarded her, which makes sense because it's very much like when you go to dad when mom's mad, but embla just didn't see it that way because she also holds a grudge against them and so paints them in a terrible light and refuses to empathize with them.

because again, if we believe elm, everything was fine and dandy up to that point and he was able to manipulate letizia, so i have some faith in his words)

because i genuinely don't think askr would gloss over a murder attempt in the way he gently refutes her concern. like it's certainly possible a mortal could get a fatal hit in on her or injure her gravely. i think he'd take that much more seriously, which further makes me think he just had no idea

in conclusion: miscommunication just doomed two entire kingdoms

[princesseevee06]

well now I HAVE to know the crack teal-green-limeblings headcanon!!!!!!!

ohhhhhhh boy. you will regret this /j ok but for real buckle up it’s gonna be a long ride. i literally started composing a long ass document for this theory so that’s how you know this has consumed my brain.

#1: PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

Ok so this is the one that most obviously first caught my eye. It was always weird to me how despite the fact that Shin and Kanna are the ones to be confirmed siblings, Kanna ends up looking more similar to Sou in hair color + eye color. Overall, Sou’s hair/eye colors look like a perfect blend of Shin/Kanna’s. and since Shin and Kanna ARE siblings…well. Idk what that entails

I colordropped all of their hair and eye colors for comparison a little while ago, and…yeah. They’re pretty similar

(although i actually find it interesting how sou’s eyes look exactly like shin’s hair. Hm)

But of course physical appearance alone isn’t enough to actually ~prove anything~ (tbf none of this “evidence” actually is) but lucky for you there’s PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM

#2: SHIN’S MEMORY WITH SOU

This one is by far the biggest reason I have this theory. Ok, I’m gonna say it. SHIN’S MEMORY IS WEIRD!!!! THE VAGUENESS OF HIS MEMORY IS WEIRD!!!!! Let me elaborate:

Shin’s dialogue here seems veeeeeeeeery carefully worded to me. You might note that while Shin says he has a sibling, he very specifically says he DOESNT know their age or gender

…which, by itself, I suppose makes sense. But from a narrative standpoint, why was this line necessary to include? If Shin were to say he thought he had a little sister, we all would’ve jumped to the same conclusion anyways. So the fact this is purposefully left vague rings alarm bells in my mind.

Not to mention, the last line of this scene seems like HEAVY foreshadowing to me:

Like, ok Shin, you’re gonna talk about your longlost missing sibling and then drop THIS line at the very end? Ok. If we compare this “last line” to some of the other last lines in the other memories, it also just seems…out of place.

With Kanna and Q-taro’s here, they both seem to demonstrate their reasons for making their wish extremely well. Kanna granted Kugie’s wish because she loves her sister, and Q-taro’s wish was because of his ambition to get back onto the field. In comparison, Shin’s last line just seems. Weird to me? Because if we look at that scene with the context of knowing Kanna is Shin’s sibling, then the last line just. Doesn’t add up. I guess you might argue that Shin hoped Sou was his missing sibling? And the subversion was that it was actually Kanna instead? But the fact that it’s left SO vague is so so weird to me.

ADDING ONTO THIS: how the hell would Shin NOT know about Kanna? HE’S SEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN HER. I THINK HE WOULD’VE NOTICED HIS MOTHER HAVING A WHOLEASS CHILD. I think the only real explanations here are that Shin’s dad had an affair (which is 😭😭😭 oof) or that Shin is also adopted (although if there’s another explanation that makes sense please let me know because im so perplexed by this situation). Let me explain:

If Shin was adopted, then it would make sense that he wouldn’t know about Kanna, because he wouldn’t know who his bio mom/dad are in the first place. But then like���.would Shin’s PARENTS even know about Kanna? Again, she’s seven years younger than him….would they even keep in touch with the family they adopted from…….idk…….to me……it might make more sense……..if the sibling in question…..was older than Shin……..because if that were the case, it would make more sense for Shin’s parents to know about them. and say for example, if said older sibling’s information was very very classified, like top-secret organization classified, then it might make sense that even shin’s parents wouldn’t know their age/gender 🤔

(this is again. all VERY much a stretch. but like. i feel like it at least makes a LITTLE bit of sense)

#3: MOMDORI (THIS WOMAN HAS ISSUES, MAN)

Believe it or not, Momdori’s entire existence leads me to believe this theory more strongly. This is more of an intuition based off of narrative foreshadowing yadda yadda, but it’s SUPER interesting to me that Momdori’s first appearance (i hope it’s not her only appearance ;-;) is in Kai’s mini episode, where she is actively encouraging Gashu to choose one of his children over the other. It’s super creepy, because the way she talks about it almost makes it sound like she has firsthand experience.

Like, okay, if it were true that the greenblings trio were all siblings (which again, is just a reach on my part) wouldn’t it make perfect sense that Momdori would give Shin and Kanna up to other families??? If Sou was already proving to be a reliable asset to the organization at a young age, and she has this ideology of “not needing more than one,” why would she want to keep the other two? Sou himself describes Shin and Kanna as “kind, cowardly, and weak” which are traits that Asunaro would certanly not be looking for.

If these three were siblings I think it would ALSO make sense why Shin is a candidate despite having a 0% win percentage. I think it’s already been implied by Gashu that the candidates all have ties to Asunaro in some way or another (he asks before he dies if anyone has doubts about their upbringing) (plus we already know Q-taro’s orphanage was named Asunaro), and Shin being the son of an Asunaro executive would imo certainly give him the “right to win” by Asunaro standards, despite how abysmal his rates actually are.

Again. This is all just conjecture. I’m aware how farfetched all of this actually is. …but I just want to enjoy my bleebies in peace.

(i’m so sorry this was so long please forgive me)

i could add an extra part about how sou’s strange fixation on shin could be another line of evidence for this theory but tbh that part of the theory is so stretchy, elastic is jealous. so i’m not going to add it

[smute]

the ios app is such a disaster honestly. idk how many posts ive made on here complaining about the performance and overheating issues but i do know that ive tried to tell @staff about them multiple times, both through apple's report an issue thingy in the app store and directly via the tumblr support page. ive been through every troubleshooting step. i cant even tell you how often i reinstalled the app. i have tested it on wifi and cellular, with 5g on and 5g off. its always the same thing. the app draws insane amounts of power whenever it is active/open, even when im not scrolling, and my phone gets warmer and warmer until it eventually shuts down with a temperature warning or gets too hot to hold in my hand

a couple weeks ago i actually upgraded to a new phone (for context: my previous one was only 2 years old, not some ancient underpowered thing, and apart from tumblr i NEVER noticed any performance/temperature issues so i wasn't really looking for an upgrade, i just got a really good offer from my carrier). the tumblr app also makes my (older) ipad overheat, so i already knew that the problem here wasn't a particular device, but given the chance i was ofc curious to see if things would improve with a newer one. they didn't 🤪

anyway i conducted a little informal experiment with the new phone to figure out exactly how bad the problem is. didn't even install the tumblr app when i first set it up, just to see how the phone would perform without buggy software (the answer is really well)

under normal usage the battery lasts for at least two fucking days. texting, playing music, surfing, fucking reading ebooks, watching youtube videos, we're talking like close to 30 hours of screen time on a single charge. SCREEN time, not standby.

on saturday morning, while using the tumblr app (and only the tumblr app), i went from 90% to 50% in TWO AND A HALF HOURS. that is insane.

like not only is it super uncomfortable to hold a piping hot thing made of glass and metal in your hands, im also genuinely concerned about the health of my battery lmao

until a few months ago i had NEVER encountered this problem, not even on my old iphone 8 that sometimes struggled with other apps as well. tumblr always worked fine. idk what they changed or which weird new feature that nobody asked for is responsible for this but something is drawing power like CRAZY and literally FRYING MY HARDWARE.

honestly its like the world's shittiest screen time reminder lmao. after 30 minutes the temperature starts to get uncomfortable and after an hour i literally have to take a break, close the app for 5 minutes and let my phone cool off. WHICH IT DOES BTW. like almost INSTANTLY. idk what else to say except that this seems to be a feature not a bug. in the sense that it happens no matter what i do

lmao sorry this turned into such a long rant. like i said, i already messaged tumblr support about it but this has been going on for months at this point and i am P I S S E D

[fearowkenya]

Winds of Change

Chapter 4: Stemming the Tide

It’s hard to hold onto hope when panic and fear take root and start to spread, climbing the notches of his spine and weaving back and forth between his ribs. But Ryo knows now, that hope and fear can both exist at once—he’s seen it for himself.

The group witnesses something that looks a lot like a miracle, but it's still not enough to chase away everybody's fears. Ryo and Shuuji each find themselves with separate demons to battle as they resist the pull of despair.

ao3 link in source, extended end-of-chapter author's note below!

editing this chapter took WAY longer than usual. I do two proofreads per chapter before i post, and if i edit more than a couple of sentences at any point, i start the entire proofread over. needless to say, i did a LOT of editing and rereading before finally making it to my posting checklist. ultimately though im pretty happy with it. mostly im just so glad to have finally posted the scene that was jokingly titled "labramon the egg wizard" so i could talk about how much I enjoy the title "labramon the egg wizard". jokes that are for me

anyway, "labramon the egg wizard" is one of the first parts of this fic that i wrote! there's a skeletal outline of the events in that section in my replay notes, though a lot about that scene has changed since then. it was always going to be labramon who was gonna help out though! why labramon..? … … well she's a dog , and it made me go 'heheh' to think of her doing pointer behaviors. no other reason (:

i know we get renamon egg in moral, but i don't actually remember much of what that looked like because it lasted like 2 seconds. thats absolutely NOT what i wanted for shuuji - i wanted it to be a scene that completely bodies him, where hes got this unexpected second chance hovering just beyond his reach, but he has to confront exactly what he's done in order to get it. i dont remember a lot of 02, but that one episode where ken goes looking for wormmons egg has this very specific vibe where its like, "here's some hope for you when youre at your lowest but never forget that you seriously fucked it up". it was brutal but beautiful and then i cried a bunch i think. idk it was a long time ago. maybe im completely misremembering that scene, who can say. thats how it lives in my memories tho

in any case, i definitely wanted it to be from ryo's perspective for the same reason that the aftermath of wendimon was from his pov. he's so much more observant than shuuji, who would not take notice of what the others are doing and saying while he's in the middle of getting pingponged between hope and gut-wrenching remorse.

the middle section, titled in the draft as "mcfreakin losin it", was a lot of fun too! the Plan(tm) at the beginning was something i edited in pretty late in proofreading. having an itemized list like that might feel more like a "shuuji thing" than a "ryo thing", but i think ryo's active effort to take responsibility and try to help kunemon with what hes stressed about would lend to him trying to come up with something a little more concrete. unfortunately for ryo, he has no backup plan for when the first one is turned upside down, and we all know what happens when something catches him off guard lmao. it was actually really interesting to write ryo in a position where he's witnessing more or less what he himself is like when he shuts down. being the one who has to snap shuuji out of this state has ryo realizing that this is what takuma and kunemon have to deal with when he's the one freaking out. i think that's kinda fun.

the last section has what feels to me like the most editing. it really wasn't a section that i spent a lot of time fiddling with until now because the bulk of it was quoting or paraphrasing existing dialogue from the start of part 6 for context, then diverging into what that scene looks like in a world where lopmon isn't around to be unable to explain what happened. like i said on ao3, as i was reading over the canon dialogue in truthful for reference, i realized i really just…didn't like it much. the argument escalates and de-escalates several times but never to a degree that feels all that extreme, and ends up feeling like it's just dragging out for no reason. people make their points at times that feel WEIRD, particularly ryo. lemme see if i can explain this.

so ryo doesnt say this til the latter half of this argument, and i HATED THAT because it's like… after everything he's been through with kunemon, it doesn't feel right that he's having those doubts. but i thought about it and i actually think it makes sense for him to have a momentary lapse where he slips back into old habits - letting fear take over and pushing away anything and anyone that has even the slightest chance of hurting him. he spent a LOT of time in that mindset, and even though he's working on reversing it, it's not gonna happen in a day. that said… the placement of ryo's doubts in the canon dialogue still feels super weird. i think it makes a lot more sense for him to panic at the very beginning of this argument, and then calm down as he remembers how solid his bond with kunemon is before sticking up for the digimon a little more aggressively. it just feels so passive in-canon when i think he would have taken a much more active role in defending falcomon and the others once 1) he remembers the context surrounding what happened in the waterway, and 2) he's reminded of how kunemon has helped him change.

i know some of the weird pacing of this dialogue is because the player needs to have input at some point, but i think takuma could've been much more powerless during this argument - the game has no problem taking away agency, since saving ryo is the only thing that will save shuuji, no matter what the player does. maybe im nitpicking, idk.

regardless, minoru's dialogue makes the most sense, but i still think it could have been condensed into a much sharper and more sudden escalation. it keeps being like "(minoru voice) IM MAD IM MAD" "(takuma voice) chill" "(minoru voice) oops sorry. … … … IM MAD IM MAD IM MAD" "(takuma voice) calm down" "(minoru voice) oops. … … … IM MAD IM MAD" etc etc etc. it just made the argument feel weak and drawn-out instead of intense and explosive.

i did keep some of it though! i thought that minoru's paranoia and sudden fear of trusting his partner was pretty compelling, which is why i kept those doubts in and quoted the lines about him wanting falcomon to prove his loyalty.

i chose those lines specifically because they say a LOT about minoru once you connect this argument with what i think is the root of his insecurities - his parents' divorce.

it's funny because as far as im aware, The Divorce doesn't even come up unless you choose an INCORRECT ANSWER in an OPTIONAL affinity event with minoru. im not 100% sure thats the only mention though! im currently at pt8 of my replay where the goal is to see every bit of truthful route dialogue possible. if it comes up in other routes, i managed to miss it lmao. anyway, because of that, for the longest time i thought The Divorce was just a popular headcanon, and didn't actually see that dialogue until recently. but as soon as i did i started looking at the stuff he does and says through the lens of somebody who was affected extremely poorly by his parents divorce, and it contextualized A LOT for me. suddenly the way he reacts in pt 6 makes so much sense, because imo falcomon turning around and killing him isn't his only concern: he's also terrified that he was vulnerable in front of someone who doesn't actually care.

pre-game minoru lacks a support system, and is afraid to rely on a new one. im not going to go on about it for too long because we'd be here all day, but im pretty sure that his parents divorce was MESSY, and he witnessed all of it. that same event where he mentions to takuma that his parents are divorced is also when he says that he doesn't think his mom has noticed that he's missing, even though at this point the kids believe that they've been gone for several days. he doesn't see his mother as support because she's too busy working, and since he doesn't even know where his father currently lives, clearly he doesnt get much if any support from his dad. the difficulty minoru has in shedding the goofy exterior and being genuine and vulnerable in front of people makes me think that he never found a support system to replace the one that he watched crumble in realtime when his parents split.

prior to part 6, we can assume that minoru started to see falcomon as someone that he could allow to see his insecurities. i also believe that minoru understood that shuuji and lopmon's relationship was supposed to look a lot like his and falcomon's, or like anybody else and their partner's. minoru could see lopmon trying to be supportive, so the dysfunction only seemed like it was on shuuji's end. so when lopmon flies off the handle and tries to murder shuuji, one of the things that minoru gets from it is that, no, actually, the trust and support that the digimon have for their partners is NOT unconditional. i think that watching this happen looks exactly like how it felt when the support system he'd had in his parents completely fell apart, except the lopmon situation comes with a fun extra "I'm going to kill you" sort of vibe that tells minoru that his relationship with falcomon is just not safe.

or worse, maybe that support system was never real in the first place. what if there was something darker beneath the surface that he just couldn't see?

anyway.

now, as dracmon says, all we gotta do is hurry up and wait. well. you do. i dont, im gonna be editing chapter 5 til the cows come home. im getting the distinct impression that it's gonna require even more reworking than this chapter did.

but that's neither here nor there - id love to hear your Gamer Theories about what im cooking up. there are a few things that are still going unaddressed after four chapters, and i wonder how much of it can be puzzled out based on what i've said so far. obviously im not able to see the story from a reader's perspective, so im not really able to gauge if the stuff that's being foreshadowed or otherwise implied is starting to become clearer. so please consider leaving a comment with what you think, or your favorite part or anything else that stood out to you! I'd much appreciate it. thank you for reading, and see you… mm… nnnnext…week…? ideally.

[cerebralabyss]

USELESS INFO I FEEL LIKE PUBLISHING!! and also just archiving on my blog 4 my own sake :D

here is the stories/reasons 4 all my alters’ names cuz they’re all weirdly significant in some way or another OR went thru a very long process 2 become the name it is today

putting it under cut cuz it’ll probably be longish

reffy & ramen - they both went thru different processes, but come from the same origin. VERY LONG STORY I AM NOT SHORTENING IT!!

we were finding a new collective name cuz our old one did NOT suit us at all!! and at the time, our understanding of our system was very different. we had a lot of trouble separating reffy/ramen cuz not having one host scared us, so ramen was a sort of “sub-alter” to reffy for a good while until we were comfy with the distinction.

we settled on the name remiel/ramiel, but couldn’t decide the spelling. we ended up using remiel collectively, but that name was also specific to reffy because again at the time afraid of deviating from host. so ramen ended up with the scrapped spelling!!

reffy - when we realized we in fact were not just one host, having reffy’s name as our collective name was rly confusing!! we ended up shortening it to “remy” for a rly long time. then, we ended up fusing the names “remy” and “maffy/maffal” (maffy is a sub-alter to reffy that we had treated as distinct for a while b4 realizing it wasn’t healthy for not fun reasons!!) so it became reffy!! and yes, reffy is short for reffal!! no one calls him that tho cuz it’s weird (other than dire cuz he’s strange but he only does that in private) (and sometimes jax scolds him using his full name cuz it’s funny)

fun fact: reffy decided 2 use the name reffy instead of remy in the vegetable section of a grocery store. very useful information ik (sarcasm)

ramen - this name didn’t end up getting changed till like a little over a year ago now!! they stuck with “ramiel” for a good while, purely because we have a dog tag with the name ramiel engraved on it and they didn’t want to change their name cuz then the dog tag would be WRONG!! but eventually they were like NO im CHANGING IT. the nickname “ram” rly stuck (since no one called them ramiel anyway cuz it was confusing with it being so close to the collective name) so took the ram and turned it into ramen like the instant noodles cuz enby behaviour (lh)

they actually considered the name “azriel” for a bit n couldn’t decide between that n ramen. ramen is much more fitting i could not IMAGINE IT BEING ANYTHING ELSE

(i’m writing this and im writing in third person to avoid confusion and it FEELS WEIRD!!!)

jax - ok i’m leaving out the context of my 2020 system yrs cuz it’s not rly relevant and complicated BUT!! this name came from back then. it came out of NOWHERE LIKE LITERALLY IT JUST POPPED INTO OUR HEAD LIKE “yea this guy… he’s jax” and i don’t know WHERE IT CAME FROM cuz we probably only ever heard that name less than 10 times our whole life. it’s RLY WEIRD but it kind of makes it feel oddly special cuz it just happened without us consciously thinking. like that’s just how the name was Meant 2 BE

his name has not changed a SMIDGE since then. he did end up deciding it’s short form 4 something else somewhere along the line, but only one non insys person& knows what it is cuz he’s weird abt it. it’s been years n he’s still keeping it a secret .. and no it’s not jackson !!! that’s ur one hint :3c

nuni - this one is kinda silly!! when we were like 8-12 our online alias name was our cat’s name and since nuni was the primary host at that time the name rly stuck with her. when she came out of dormancy a few yrs ago, we wanted to change it since it could get confusing differentiating our CAT from our HEADMATE so we went with a random nickname we called our cat!! idk where it came from exactly tbh,, but our parents still call our cat that sometimes like once in a blue moon and each time they do it feels SO WEIRD!!

dire - ima be real i know there was a reason behind this name but i can’t remember it 4 the life of me. none of us can it’s rly weird. just pretend this is an awesome cool backstory ok thx

BUT!!! there’s a neat story behind one of his many old names!!! he first developed/split as an oc introject, we called him “corgo” cuz he more closely resembled the comfort au version of said oc (which in hindsight was not a comfort au it was just the personification of the introject) and combined the word “comfort” with “margo” (the oc’s name)

driell - him n his sibling (who isn’t in our sys) both have names that r their parents’ names combined together n letters smushed around a lil bit!! his sisters name (alexis) is a combination of the specific alter names, and driell’s is a combination of collective names!!!

THIS WAS ACTUWLLY A LOT LONGER THAN I ANTICIPATED i expected it 2 be long but i underestimate how much i love infodumping about my system WAYGYH. if u read this all the way thru it means the world 2 me u have no idea

i wanr to infodump abt system stuff more cuz it makes me happy :33 just worry abt clogging up my blog a bit :P

that’s it that’s all!!! good day 2 u

- 🖤

(🥀🎀🧸 co-con)

[selamat-linting]

living after experiencing sa is so weird like, the same piece of writing about assault could do nothing or it could send me into a week long spiral and its just a matter of dumb luck or pure chance that determines my brains' reaction to it. i've had moments where im legitimately triggered in the middle of re-reading something i actually enjoy as porn. over the years i figured it was because i had small triggers that are abstract or wasnt easily noticeable or doesnt feel like anything until its in the spesific context of sa. like being trapped in an enclosed space with strangers, begging to be sent home, being deceived, having your preferences and interests weaponized against you, the really lonely and painful walk home afterwards where no one comes to save you but maybe its better off this way since you dont want to be seen, those are things im particularly sensitive with. for example, a few years ago i got really messed up about this anecdote of a kid who got kidnapped by a neighbor for a few hours. he offered to see his cat and then lock them up in a room while theyre playing with said kittens. nothing actually happens but that made me legit depressed for a few days. while im fine talking with my friend about an incident where she got followed by a creepy guy who groped her while she's walking home. both situations are horrifying and bad ofc, but i cant exactly communicate or find an easy way to filter out the bad. like, i can handle hearing the graphic details, the bare bones account of what happens, but if it touches on how the victim was tricked or deceived or gets taken advantage of, even when its basically the least upsetting part, i just couldnt do it.

idk, maybe its because my experience was more in the mental stuff. yeah sure, it was only some groping, an almost kiss, and some sex talk. but the context was that i asked for help, someone friendly comes along, they say theyre just helping me but turns out they actually have ulterior motives. i was stuck in a car for hours to god knows where, fully knowing i was gonna get raped when the car eventually stops, trying to plead or at least delay it with someone i thought was a friend without being too harsh because i know they could do even worse things if i drop this thin veneer of friendliness we got going on. and all the while this asshole kept touching me in spots i didnt even realize was a sensitive place for me and i had to keep a straight face the whole time because if they see a hint that i liked it, its over. did i like though? yeah. do i want it? fuck no. never in a million years. and i felt betrayed because im supposed to have that moment of discovery with a boyfriend or a girlfriend and it was supposed to be nice and comforting but its not. and i might associate gentle touches with this forever. and there's also a part of me that said, hey somebody wants me. dont you want to be wanted? i might as well enjoy it because no one's gonna offer me hot car sex like this. i should try to get myself wet! this is a new experience that i should just see the bright side of. im supposed to be a kinky slut right? i just turned 20. and after all, i promised myself, after the first time i had my sa as a kid, the next time it happens im gonna fight. and what am i doing right now? i'm just running my mouth. im laughing at my soon to be rapists' joke and i tell him we should meet up later instead of doing everything right now since i had work later in the day. this isnt fighting, its bargaining. and all the while im wondering if i look pretty while im doing this. i hope i look pretty. im just wearing sweatshirt and pajama pants. this is sick, why do i want to look good while im sexually assaulted?

i never told this to anyone except a friend. but even she didnt get the whole account. she just know it happens. its the part that actually upsets me that i didnt tell her. the whole violated trust thing. and how dumb i am for instantly accepting help from an acquaintance i dont even know that well. and what happens after the car stops. all she knows is that when it stops, i pushed him off of me and i left the car and run.

to her it just seems like im valiantly fighting off an asshole. she didnt know that after i ran, a bunch of men saw me running. they asked me if i need help. they were kind. but i thought of the hassle of reporting to the police, being grilled with questions, have my entire behavior scrutinized, and my parents vacillating between unhelpful anger or chastising me for being so trusting and eventually isolating me because i cant be trusted to exist in a public space without being harassed and god i dont want to miss work today and theyre gonna ask why if i had to miss a day and theyre gonna know too. so obviously i shut up. i couldnt say anything. the fuck who assaulted me came, and get this, i went back to his car. i didnt sit next to him, i was sitting at the backseat, and he was angry and yelled at me the entire time while driving me back to the closest bus station. i didnt say anything, and i actually paid him money before leaving. i was a coward.

in hindsight, what happens after the next few month after that was just me trying to compensate for the shame and utter incompetence i felt. i thought i was good at being confrontational and assertive, but when it actually matters, i cant speak. it was awful. i mean, it was a moment of self improvement, i did evolve from being an awkward self-important debate kid to an adult who relies on being good with persuading people for a living. im proud of that. but the feeling of helplessness still remains. im still afraid that when it happens again, i'd just clam up like usual. even though i already successfully fend off several people trying to fuck with me before anything that bad ever happens because im a hot saleswoman now. it felt weird calling myself a victim or a survivor because, it just happens. i didnt survive shit nor do i want to be a victim. i dont want to be pitied. and i dont want to be called brave or anything because im anything but.

except that everytime something reminds me of my sa incident, i kept having this urge to tell somebody, and i'd wrote a long paragraph detailing everything that happened including all of the uncomfortable details that didnt make me look good as a victim. and then i'd delete it before sending because its not good to tell your personal triggers online right? but i have no one i want to talk about this irl. and i cant imagine any well-meaning response that doesnt make me angry. i kept thinking about it. if anyone acknowledged this happens to me, i have no socially acceptable response. im not sure if anyone could understand or be sympathetic. i mean, imagine someone told you a grave secret about them and then they get angry and throw a tantrum when you say youre keeping their secret to the grave. youre in the right to be angry and confused at them. and its one thing to write a retrospective like this, and its another thing talk about it directly. i wouldnt be self aware to control myself. i'd just ruin another friendship because i got pissed off for no discernable reason.

i dont really know where im going with this. i think i just wanted to get this out of my system. its been what? three years? im sick of keeping that shit in. i think i just need to talk about it, sort of like a confessional before moving on for good. anyway, your usual shitposting will resume shortly. bye bitch!

[ropebunnykant]

What is going on with these Thai actors? What is all the drama about, I'm so out of the loop.

i am so not a reliable source for this bc i just get my info from skimming twitter but skdkskd basically the last couple days a BUNCH of gmmtv actors have done some shitty things. i’m gonna say names and assume you know who i’m talking about bc idk you or what shows you’ve seen or what actors you know

so basically two days ago, there was a video posted with prom, mond, sing, and white, and it looked kind of podcast style where they were all just talking? and aside from the fact that they were saying some derogatory and shitty things about women’s bodies, prom admitted to having spied on a toddler in the bathroom when he was in high school (he’s nineteen so it wasn’t even that long ago), and the others weren’t exactly disgusted from what i gather, more confused. also white has done a bunch of other shit like make transphobic comments and made a homophobic rape joke with foei about first during safe house. also apparently foei reposted an anti-lgbt video to his insta story??? bro you work for the gayest company in the world

and then on top of that, mark the next day was overheard in a video telling prom not to worry because “it’s normal.” that’s one i’m least confident on cause it was apparently a rough translation and the full context wasn’t there ig but yikes if true. and completely unrelated but while all this was going on, a video of phuwin saying the r word and calling someone dyslexic resurfaced from a few years ago, but he posted an apology immediately and explained how he has since learned and blah blah blah. and also apparently captain did something?? but idk him and also dk what he did so

like tbh i don’t keep up with most of them, so none of this really bothers me on a personal level, but it’s like damn y’all fucking suck. where are gmmtv getting their actors, the sewers???

[janiedean]

Inspired by your el dorado ask, which made me laugh out loud:

Which ASOIAF ship would you attach to Century Fox’s Anastasia? If you haven’t seen it, any other animated children movie set in ASOIAF-verse is just as welcome.

I have seen anastasia but... er let's say that I have ideological issues with that movie's take on the russian revolution so I have... issues... recasting it in general (like no judging I GET it the main ship is a+ but the last time I watched it I cringed every two seconds don't mind me) so I'll give you alternatives not counting b&tb-related stuff because everyone has done that grrm first and foremost xD

idek if or when i'll get around to it but i've been wanting to do treasure planet with theon as jim and davos as long john silver for years so take it as you want anyway I went to fish that recast it also had wex as morph, jon as the robot, ygritte as amelia and robb as doppler with davos getting crackshipped with alannys and idek how I'd have split it so that robb worked in there but anyway the idea was there

also always wanted to do hunchback of notre dame with a twist as in frollo!c. keeps postaerys!jaime locked up in the tower with only tyrion and maybe sometimes bronn keeping him company until he falls in love with esmeralda!brienne while ditching poor phoebus bc in that context it wouldn't make sense but if I can manage it with quasimodo!tyrion and least-likely-esmeralda-ever!bronn i'mma consider it

ssooooo i have two possible versions of hercules one bc I had once recast it and one because I have it on the commission list so you get both (commissioned one is happening at some point hopefully soon the other one we'll see but), commissioned: jb with hercules!brienne and meg!jaime, hades!tywin/cersei split probably, phil!tyrion and everything else is being currently elaborated, the one I had thought of ages ago: hercules!robb, meg!theon, hades!tywin, sandor/bronn as pain and panic, phil!jaime and brienne at the same time

god someone once suggested me the best bronn/tyrion little mermaid au ever but I have it in the references and I don't remember the casting but anyway ANON WHOEVER YOU WERE I SALUTE YOU ONE DAY WE'LL GET THERE

I'm halfway sure I had once recast frozen just because I could tho it's hardly my favorite disney flick ever but I'm 99% sure i went against my usual castings and it was... robb!elsa, theon!anna, kristoff!jon and ramsay as whoeverthefuck was the name of the evil prince? probably if I don't recall wrong

aaand like I also had recast tangled but it was stevebucky and it was whacked and idk if it works for anyone in asoiaf as much as it's like in my top five animated movies ever because fuck me it was exactly my dynamic *cries* anyway that's what i have on short notice but if you want my crack at any other movie possibly not counting extremely recent stuff bc I'm p. sure the last disney movie i've seen in cinemas was coco I'm more than happy to give it a go xD

[minnieposting]

talking about ocd, hyperfixations, and loving vocaloid

minnie journal entry style post again, except this ones SUPER long lol.

a few nights ago i had a Moment of Weakness . it mightve been a withdrawal thing but i was not at my best lol, i just became really upset out of nowhere?? i was listening to some teto synthv stuff and kinda just Reminiscing on my vocaloid days ... i find myself doing that pretty frequently lately but since im not rlly hyperfixating on anything rn, vocaloid pretty much becomes my default. but im getting ahead of myself.

i get weird about my hyperfixations. when one starts slipping away it used to be so genuinely painful like i felt it so physically i would get so depressed whenever i felt hyperfixations start to slowly fade. i was always like that, but it was different with vocaloid.

 i will never be able to really describe HOW much vocaloid means to me but its litreally part of my soul. its ME. like i was sitting here trying to do exactly what i said i couldnt and guess what, i couldnt really describe it. i was really REALLY hyperfixated on it for 8 whole years straight, elementary school up to when i was around 15?  thats when my ungodly uncharted 4 hyperfixation came eating my ass .... and i remember the only reason it stopped was bc i felt too guilty abt leaving vocaloid behind I KNOW U CANT CONTROL HYPERFIXATIONS BUT MINE LITREALLY JUST STOPPED. after a specififc day of intense guilt lmfao

but yeah. guilt. whenever i leave behind a hyperfixation, i just feel SO guilty, and i dont really know why. i always feel this need to “prove” to myself that i still love a character, they still make me as happy as they used to, and i feel weird and bad if im not getting into smth as obsessively or if im not “consuming it the correct way”. i feel like im not rlly explaining this thing well but ocd is just a nighhttttmare , it bleeds into everything and lately its been bleeding into my interests and my creativity x1000. and im just really sad about that because i feel like i wont ever be that same person again, bc im just too hyperaware BC of my ocd and i just find myself ruminating a lot. though this usually starts to become Active in my head when my hyperfixation is actually starting to go away ... lol. when im balls deep into smth i will be way too obsessed to be in my head like that!

but. all this just being context lol... i was listening to teto synthv stuff and just. i dont even remember what caused me to start getting so upset but i just started reminiscing and getting in my own head about all this. how i dont like vocaloid as much anymore and wondering if ill ever be as happy as i was back then. i hate being an adult bc being an adult means being more Aware and being aware means ocd bothering me and just. idk. I was thinking about everything. Typical rumination spiral. just started getting really sad and upset bc i was just stuck in my thoughts and thinking about how younger me would be disappointed in my current self

it didnt last very long at least, and i ended up listening to re:ng and pinnochiop. but the songs that i clicked actually ,,,,,, helped me so much. one of the songs i clicked was rainy snowdrop by re:ng, and i found myself resonating so deeply with the lyrics. like im actually a bit emotional rn typing bc i went to go look at the lyrics again and im listening to the song rn. it really picked me up and made me feel ok again. then because youre here by pinnochiop played. and just. FUCK BOTH OF THESE SONGS ARE JUST EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR IN THAT MOMENT. it reminded me that itll be okay. simple as that.

and. im only writing abt what happened a few nights ago because while i was playing future tone earlier, it just hit me. ive always been saying that vocaloid makes me feel like myself. but then i started thinking about what exactly that means. and im actually thinking about it now while i write. its like home to me. vocaloid is where ill always go to, where ill always be. i grew up with it. its never not been with me. and no matter where i end up, itll follow me and itll be okay. ocd likes to make me ruminate about the past present and future but one thing that i know for sure is that vocaloid will always be there for me. i see it in a way where its me and my kid self. and i value my inner child so much. which is a bit ironic to me, bc of the way i treat myself...

idk. vocaloid is just really grounding in general. whenever i spiral or need to be pulled back down to earth, its there, and itll always help. its just nice to have this forever thing that i love so much

[norahjakobs]

Hittin ya right back w/ #1-15 for the fanfic ask :D

Thank you Randy! I just realized I have no clue how to do a read more on mobile so I'm gonna make that everyone else's problem.

Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

Daydreaming is one of my bigger pad times to be honest, so generally a lot of that happens before words hit the page.

Where do you get your fic ideas?

My brain just comes up with random stuff most of the time. Or I'll see an interesting concept and want to explore it. I did make a random idea generator for myself but haven't really used it

Do you share your fic ideas, or do you keep them to yourself?

I mostly keep them to myself or talk to my twin about them. Maybe I'll start sharing them more, I'd like to do that

How do you choose which fics to write?

How many wips do you have? What fandoms/pairings are they for?

I honestly have no idea so I'll just talk about my two dc wips in currently thinking about.

1st is a rewrite of a fan fic I wrote years ago, it's a mystery where after the murder of the Joker the batfamily start getting picked off one by one. It was based off the idea of what if in the Batman who laughed universe someone else had killed the Joker. In the original fic the killer was Jason but I might change that to preserve the mystery, I don't know (dm Randy if you want to know)

2nd is a loose idea following Zach Zatara waking up after a bender to find nobody knows who the Zatara's are and his attempts to set things right without much help.

Neither is focused on shipping or had any planned ships currently. I might sneak me and @kitty-does-stuff's crack ship of Zach x Thad into the 2nd one, idk

What’s the last line you wrote?

It somehow made his wary appearance look better, like he had at least been around somebody who took the effort to show him the most basic of kindness

from a deep dive into Zach's issues focused fic I was writing before leaving the apartment.

Post a snippet from a wip.

From the same Zach fic

Kate twirled, her hand in his as he led the dance. She had a wide grin on her face. Her crimson skirt softly hit his outer thigh as she stopped spinning. The music the DJ was playing slowed down crawling to the end of the song as the few that had stayed on the dance floor for so long started to shuffle off to head to the bathrooms or the doors.

The happy couple stayed on the floo a little longer than the rest, Kate resting her head on Zach’s shoulder. “Thanks for coming.”

Zach held her a little closer. “Of course, you don’t need to thank me for something like this, you know.”

“I know, I just know you don’t like how the adults stare at you.” Her classmates' parents and her teachers, most of them thought he was the one that got her pregnant. Thought he was some sort of child star tempter pulling Kate into hedonism and pre-marital sex.

“That’s their problem, I’m not gonna ever make you dance alone, got that?” He winked.

“Got it.” She giggled.

Post an out-of-context spoiler from a wip.

For the rewrite fic (The Last Laugh)

Only someone in the core of the batfamily would know enough about Jean-Paul’s prior abuse enough to use it against them.

Does this word [chosen by asker] appear in your current wip?

Skipping this!

Do you work on multiple wips or stick to one fic at a time?

If I do not have a million projects at one time assume that I am dead

Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

Almost exclusively in order. Maybe if it's a flashback I'll write it first, but I really struggle if I don't know exactly what has happened before a scene

Do you outline your fics? If yes, how detailed are your outlines? How far do you stray from them?

I do most of the time, a pretty loose one that just covers the most basic event of each chapter. I as far as I remember stick to the outline

Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what have you been listening to recently?

Nearly every project gets its own playlist as I need music to focus.

That Zach fic I shared a bit of is a song fic so here's the song

What is your favorite location and position to write in?

Sitting at my desk when I have that. Right now sitting in my truck seat is my only option but it's alright

What’s your favorite time to write?

Any time inspiration strikes which might be right after I wake up or could be at 10pm. When I do nanowrimo I try to write a lot earlier in the day so I don't stress