#content: Meta

[lizzybeth1986]

Skills vs Passions - What's the Difference?

(Read the rest of the "Hana Lee: A Study in Erasure" series here!)

Previous: China, Cordonia and "Home"

I had mentioned, way back in my first essay of this series, that descriptors used for Hana are vastly different from that of the other LIs. The three male LIs got descriptors that emphasized their personalities and loyalty to their loved ones.

Hana's descriptors, on the other hand, came down to two things - what the MC could be physically drawn to, and what the MC could use her for.

Hana can be dedicated, devoted, open minded, explorative. You don't have to look too far to see a consistent display of these qualities in Hana, throughout both series. Yet none of these words - nor the many others that could even slightly capture her personality - are used to describe her.

What the team views as appealing in Hana, boils down to two things. What the MC can find fuckable if Hana is a love interest, and what the MC can use her for if she isn't (though to be honest, even the MC that romances her still benefits disproportionately from her labour).

Her looks...and her skills.

Ironically, even with this lack of care and forethought, Hana's story still manages to retain some nuance when it comes to exploring the things she learned. They are not things she randomly became perfect at. Nor is the process of how she became good at those things, identical.

Most times, there is a story behind how she became that good at those activities, a process that Hana often worked and struggled towards, before she could be the "Jill of All Trades" of TRR.

Her journey to acquiring all of these skills is not the same. If we do not acknowledge the differences in those journeys, we are doing her story a grave disservice.

Acquired Skills.

(Note: In this section I will be leaving out Hana's more intuitive skills, such as stealth, cunning, deep research and resourcefulness, and focusing more on the ones she had to learn. This is because her intuitive skills fit better in a different essay that I will be working on soon)

There are several things the above screenshots share in common.

One is that they are all things Hana learned as a part of her training to become the perfect debutante, the perfect noblewoman, the perfect courtly wife, the perfect hostess. In the Cordonian Waltz scene in TRR1 Ch 7, Hana speaks of being pushed from an early age to learn all the courtly and social arts. She speaks of being "groomed [every day] to bring fame and fortune to my family", primarily because they were devastated she was not a boy and the only way she could possibly be of use to them was by acquiring these skills. These weren't just hobbies she was encouraged to cultivate - they were things she had to do well, do perfectly, whether she liked doing them or not.

Another - and perhaps easier to miss - similarity between all these pictures is Hana's expression in them. Neutral. Unmoved. Bored. None of these activities actually appeal to her, or are things she is happy doing.

We will find out later on, that that was exactly the point. In her parents' plan for Hana's life and future, Hana's own needs and identity are practically a non-factor.

One of Hana's major epiphanies about her childhood, is the recognition that what she wanted, should have mattered. That her needs deserved to be met just for being her needs, not because it served a purpose for anyone else. On more than one occasion Hana tells us that "enjoying myself never factored into my parents' expectations of me".

How damaging can this obsession with making your daughter the perfect noble wife - to the exclusion of any other possible life - be? Let's find out:

Hana isn't just expected to excel in skills that mean very little to her. She isn't just forced to prioritise - again and again and again - the enjoyment of others over her own. She isn't just made to consider the needs of some nebulous future husband, to the point where she cannot even ask herself what she wants.

Over and above all this, she is never allowed to be her authentic self. She is never even allowed to figure out what that authentic self would be. From an early age she is deprived of toys and pets and real consistent friendships, ensuring a complete isolation, ensuring she doesn't even have the opportunity to safely indulge in pretend play. (That she manages to scrape together whatever she can find to make her "toys" is only a testament to her own tenacity; she should never have been put in such a position in the first place). Her parents robbed her of those early, exploratory years.

She has been told how she must be and what she must do; she never has the freedom to decide whether that is something she is even comfortable being. In the context of this scene Hana may be using this skill to help another woman, but the fact remains that even in expressing her femininity, Hana is constantly expected to perform - as if her authentic self was never good enough.

It is no wonder then that the moment she finds herself no longer answerable to her parents, Hana fears that she will discover she's nothing more than a "collection of skills...with no one underneath". TRR3 shows Hana in a full-blown identity crisis once she is completely outside her parents' influence.

In her post "How Parents Fuel Identity Crises in Their Children" on the Good Therapy Blog, psychotherapist Beverly Amsel talks about the effects controlling parenting can have on a child's sense of self thus; "When a loving parent is so certain that he or she knows what is right for the child and does not consider that the child may have valid, different ideas about what he or she wants, needs, and feels, there is no space and no invitation for the child to develop the ability to express his or her own self with separate ideas, feelings, and needs. Over time, as the child grows to adulthood and is exposed to more ways of thinking about things, there is typically a good deal of confusion about identity, thoughts, and feelings. Unless there is an opportunity to develop a separate sense of self, there will likely be a lot of anxious thinking about what is real but little ability to think for oneself in a self-reflective way."

Fortunately for Hana, her time in Cordonia does seem to present those sort of opportunities. There are story threads in TRR3 that address this identity crisis. But does it culminate into something that benefits her, or only the people around her?

Things She Does For Those She Loves

Before we move into passions, it's important to acknowledge a category that toes the line between acquired skill and interest. These involve activities that she's not entirely passionate about, but still derives some enjoyment from doing.

Her enjoyment of these skills is usually less about the activity itself, and more dependent on her fondness for sharing or socializing through it. Despite her mostly-isolated childhood, Hana is by nature a very social person. She is enthusiastic (though initially a bit wary and fearful of rejection) about making friends, loves sharing her knowledge and skills, and does not hesitate to reach out even to people who don't treat her well and accommodation them into whatever she's doing (eg. every single time she included Olivia in something in TRR2). So it makes sense that there are certain things she enjoys doing because it involves her helping someone, or allows her to spend time with them, or helps her relive precious memories.

On some level, you see this with some of her skill scenes. Often a scene will end with Hana following up a confession about her lack of interest in a particular activity with a line about how sharing that knowledge makes her happy. But you also see this enjoyment in other contexts.

Another context where she truly enjoys doing things, is when they're of a competitive nature. She thrives on the thrill of outwitting opponents and friendly rivalries. A great example of this is the dance-off she does with Maxwell in TRR1 Ch 18, where she enjoys pitting her skills against Maxwell's so much that they both agree they'd be great as a dancing duo. You also see this whenever she's competing in games with her trusted friends. This is perhaps why you see at least a handful of sequences where she expresses an interest in sports.

But perhaps the activities she enjoys the most - that aren't for herself - are ones that have her share space with someone she loves and trusts. Cooking and baking rank high among these skills. Baking began as a domestic skill that would serve her well in a noble household, but she loves sampling batter/dough and practically glows on seeing the other person's enjoyment of her craft. Her creating her own recipe for hot chocolate is especially interesting because it's a skill that she values highly, and that she only shares with people very close to her.

Hana's interest in fashion design also has interesting origins. She is skilled in embroidery and knows fashion trends well, and has learned from her grandmother to make her own clothes. Of particular note is the black-red-gold qipao/cheongsam that was the last dress she ever made with her grandmother. Her attachment to the dress is so strong that she experiences intense distress when Lorelai threatens to take it from her in Valtoria. She also loves designing dresses for loved ones - for the MC herself, we see her conceptualize and design dresses at least twice (a traditional-inspired outfit in Shanghai which is appropriately titled "Hana's Heart", and a blue and white dress for their engagement photoshoot).

Through these examples we can see instances of Hana finding joy in things she didn't have as much interest in, just through the process of sharing that experience with someone else. It's great, on the one hand, because Hana is no longer alone and she gains a renewed perspective on something that came from a very painful part of her life.

On the other hand, "I find this more fun now that I'm doing it with you" comes with its own downsides. If you use it too often, you're in danger of using it as a copout that centers the person she is teaching rather than her own journey.

And if you're a writer that makes efforts for her story with great reluctance...such an explanation will rapidly change into an excuse to be lazy with that journey.

Passions

Among the many, many, many skills Hana was made to learn in the bid to make her the perfect debutante and the perfect noble wife...just a few rank as ones she does wholeheartedly, joyfully, passionately. But they are perhaps the most important.

After all, these are skills that Hana had honed for herself. They're meant for her consumption and her enjoyment, and she often shares them only with people she trusts.

Not only are these things, interests that she enjoys and lovingly cultivates...but she is also fiercely protective of them. She will not allow anyone - not even her parents - to turn something so personal into a public spectacle that she's uncomfortable with. This is most clearly seen when she tells us about rebelling against her parents for piano performances. At a very young age, Hana recognises the value of her music, and she pushes back against any attempts to cheapen it or turn it into some warped form of social currency. She takes ownership of her gift, and from that moment on anything she does with that talent is done on her own terms.

Like music, reading was a skill cultivated to make her an attractive prospect for noble matches - only for Hana to find pleasure in the act of reading herself. Here again, building a passion for reading allows her to rebel in her own unique way. She smuggles in books that she knows her parents will find either too frivolous or too objectionable - often by hiding the books, or modifying the purpose of the book to them so it would sound appropriate.

We must remember - this is a woman who still feels nervous breaking rules even a year after she has left her parents' home. It would take such a woman considerable amounts of imagination and courage, to be able to do what she did in an environment as restrictive as her's. For Hana to be able to do this, she must have really valued the joy that reading books had given her.

Flowers are an extremely important part of Hana's life. Symbolically, they are part of her mother's House Crest, and personally, she is someone who is naturally drawn to flowers. In TRR2 Ch 4, she confesses to devouring the words of The Language of Flowers, and knows the symbolic meaning of each one by heart. She can even make her own bouquets. During the Costume Gala in TRR3, she dresses up in a heavily floral gown as the Goddess of Spring.

One of the most captivating sequences that captures her love for flowers in the TRR2 Conservatory scene, where she takes the MC to see the spectacle of a night-blooming flower unfurling under the light of the moon. It is especially fascinating that her already latent passion for flowers grew further with the help of another passion - reading.

Another thing you will clearly notice about each of these "passions" is that when she speaks about them, she is expressive. Liam confirms this in his Diplomacy scene in TRR3, where he tells the MC that her passion always shows in her eyes.

The proof for what Liam says here is in every one of these scenes. In the scenes compiled under the "Acquired Skills" category, her expression rarely changes and her tone is indifferent. In contrast, we are exposed to a variety of moods when she talks of these things that she's so passionate about.

She seethes with anger at the memory of her parents forcing her to perform the piano to crowds, whispers conspiratorially about forbidden literature, loses herself in the scent of flowers. These are moments where Hana acknowledges her individual pleasures, and expresses pride over the way she guards them from people who will not respect what those things mean to her.

These are things she knows forwards and backwards, but not because she was forced to cultivate and perfect those talents. They're things she knows because when Hana Lee is truly interested in something, she will plunge herself into it, body and soul. These are things that gave her comfort at a time when she had no one, and they form the happiest memories she has had for her childhood so far.

These are passions that are so intricately a part of her that it is impossible for her to give them up. Not for her family, not for her friends, not for her wife - no one.

Conclusion

The base of Hana's story has always been rich with possibilities. There were various ways the writing team could have written it to benefit her story. At the hands of a skilled writer who loved the character for who she was rather than for what the MC could gain from her, the writing of these talents could have been used to further enrich Hana's journey and give her a chance to find herself. Unfortunately, the writing team at the helm of TRR were neither.

Over and over again, the writers used Hana's plethora of talents to make her useful to people, rather than turn the focus of that arc back on her. The MC learns these skills and goes up the ranks, the MC benefits from Hana's offers of help, the MC is the one who becomes a Duchess and Champion of the Realm. Even on a level of resolving her issues with her parents, the writers have her prove that she can still be useful to them without getting married to a man. In the eyes of her writers, her skills are still meant to make her useful to someone - just that the person at the center changes from her parents to the MC.

Because the MC is positioned as someone who "enlightens" Hana to how harmful her situation was, and because the narrative expects Hana to be forever grateful to her - the MC is allowed to use her and take credit for Hana's hard work (eg. The windmill move during the polo game) and get away with it.

When you put all this evidence together, and then go back to the descriptors I put up at the very beginning of this essay, you will see what the team's intention with her, always had been. To create a woman the MC could be attracted to, a woman whose skills the MC could use to advance her own interests...while still being viewed as her hero and saviour. Despite being one of the few people to get the most detailed account of her upbringing and struggles, the MC still chooses to view her in the most simplistic ways, still praises her for her skills and "perfection" rather than support her in any consistent way (more on this in other essays).

The fandom wasn't much better in this respect either. Lots of TRR fans still see no real distinction between the skills Hana had to struggle to learn, and the interests that made her truly happy. The writing team itself contributes to this inaccurate conflating of her interests and skills by having multiple characters label her 'perfect' over and over.

This results in a situation where those hard-earned skills and those moments of joy are conflated together, and spoken of like they are the same thing. But they are not. To speak of the two as if there were no difference, is to ignore completely the difficult, even disturbing, history behind how she acquired them.

The skills the MC grinningly labels her perfect for, are skills that emerged from a very traumatizing environment. Her joys - that many in this fandom so mockingly placed alongside the things she forced herself to do - were perhaps the only opportunities she had to take back her agency and claim something for her own.

To pretend that the two are one and the same is a gross misrepresentation of what was actually depicted in canon.

Next: "Perfect!Hana": Author Bias and the Importance of Framing (coming soon!)

[tofixtheshadows]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.

Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.

Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.

Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.

I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.

He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).

First, we get this:

Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.

They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.

It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.

We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.

What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?

He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.

In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.

Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!

...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.

Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.

And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.

I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.

And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.

Meals are the privilege of the living.

[knightmareross]

*drops here*

[galahadwilder]

I think the brilliance of Ricky September is not just to show that Lindy Pepper-Bean has no empathy. Ricky September’s role in “Dot and Bubble” isn’t just to die, or to show that not everyone in their society is terrible.

Ricky September is the Doctor.

He’s a handsome, flamboyant weirdo who drops out of the sky to save the female lead who is a stranger to him because he’s noticed she’s in trouble.

He’s confident, more confident than makes any sense for his situation; he’s observant, investigating and picking apart the actions of the mantraps the way the Doctor would. He knows history better than anyone around him (though for different reasons than the Doctor would). He’s clever enough to hack a computer that Lindy had just failed to even turn on—sonic screwdriver much?—and then immediately, well. What’s rule #1? The Doctor lies.

The subsequent scene of him trying to open the door? He’s completely undaunted by the unnecessarily complicated code, just fascinated, as he gets down to business. The scene is practically straight out of “42,” the one with the living star and the complicated locks, and he and the Doctor both have the same reaction to the puzzle.

Like the Doctor, Ricky disdains the vapid and self-obsessed society he is part of (though Gallifrey and Finetime are very different), and he grabs the first chance he can to find a companion and run the hell away. He uses a fake name, and his real name is such a terrible secret that its revealing has disastrous consequences.

Hell, watch the mannerisms. He and Gatwa even move their hands the same when they’re in “performance mode.”

In short, Ricky breaks every single standard set by Finetime the exact way the Doctor does, and what does Lindy do? She idolizes him. She treats him like he’s an unparalleled genius, the greatest moment of her life.

If we leave aside the murder for the moment, Ricky’s purpose isn’t just to say, “look how sociopathic Lindy and the rest of Finetime is.” Ricky is there to say, “this is how Finetime would’ve treated the Doctor if he were white.”

[zarnzarn]

i see all these comments talking about this after the new episode, but. i would like to state for the record that stolitz isn't. toxic.

first off, the concept of a toxic and a healthy relationship are such... vague terms. when you're online, drenched in language and tight moral boundaries, trying to put a nuanced story like helluva boss's into boxes is easy to attempt and impossible to do.

a toxic relationship is one where one or both parties is maliciously affecting the other. I'm talking fetid, nasty, rude interactions where there is more hurt than love. they're unhappy more often than not when they're with their partner, there's no respect or give from the other side.

stolitz is nothing like that.

Stolas actively cares about Blitz and actually has no fear or hesitation in ADMITTING IT OUT LOUD TO OZZIE. he has been calling, texting, commenting, laughing and finding ways to spend time with Blitz. he's throwing everything he has to the wind, finding the courage to move forward with the divorce, putting everything he has into trying to keep him. he's been alone in a palace since he was born, on medication, with such less people dear to him that he remembered the circus boy who spent a day with him DECADES ago- so when blitz comes into his life and brings back in laughter and color and sex, he's holding on with everything he's got.

and blitz does care!!! he cares a LOT, the whole series we see him falling in love with stolas through SHOW NOT TELL (his expressions, his choices, his fear, his lashing out) and utterly unable to process that stolas cares about him too when talking to fizz; almost a desperate kind of denial-

cause yknow. the first time he tried to confess something to someone he really liked, he accidentally killed half the people he knew and ruined the lives of the rest?

thats gonna leave just a teensy impact on the will to express your emotions in the future, methinks.

even before that, he clearly felt like on some level that he was unworthy and he's said twice that he despises himself for the accident even though it wasn't actually his fault. being self aware doesn't stop the emotions from emotioning.

he keeps insisting its only sex so urgently to anyone who doesn't ask because he can't even imagine it being anything else. he's both disappointed and relieved when he repeats that stolas sees him as a novelty, because what else can it be?

(there's a whole other spiel of how brave both Stolas and Blitz have to be to say it out loud even when asmodeus can't afford to, considering how publically and completely beaten down both were at the club.)

(there's also another whole spiel about how frustrating it has been for ME to see all these comments over time with such bad takes based on like,, 20 min worth of info of a show that takes months to release an ep. like godDAMN have some patience?? let the story UNFOLD MAYBE? IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE AN EXPLANATION WHY WOULD YOU CRITICIZE THINGS THAT ARENT EVEN FINISHED ESPECIALLY AN INDIE ANIMATION- i digress)

mind you, this has NOTHING to do with abuse. an abusive relationship is one where one is actively harming the other with full awareness. Stella is an abuser and their marriage is abusive.

and stolitz isn't that; it isn't even unhealthy or toxic. it's a consensual, transactional fuckbuddy relationship that slid into something more for both of them.

but!!!!! one of the main reasons for the problems that everyone looks over is-

they're in a BDSM relationship.

I can't possibly delve into dynamics without making this a 10k research paper BUT even though we've gotten only hints and costumes and dialogue- they're very clearly and undeniably in a BDSM contract. Behind the scenes of this crazy show is a whole different story, of these two delving into the most hardcore kinks out there- knifeplay, painplay, bondage.

if you've gotten into the community, if you've read a couple dozen particularly good fics by authors who know what they're talking about, hell; even if your only experience is fifty shades or 365 or whatever- you gotta know that BDSM scenes are crazy fucking emotionally heavy. there's so much that has gone down between them during their full moons that helluva can't get into!!

but you know how in so many of these popular medias and fics, the dom in the relationship is also like,, the billionaire/mafia heir/prince, etc, the one with financial and physical power? this isnt that. it has been very clearly stated that stolas is subbing, blitz is domming.

now take a moment and think about how much that fucks up the dynamics.

in stolas' eyes, blitz is a confident, dangerous individual who's an old friend and cherished memory of his, who he's trusted wholly with his safety during sex and he's lucky to have; and he has been in an abusive arranged marriage for the past eighteen Years, he's probably not going to be pushing his luck with his dom that much in the first place. plus, blitz is never cowed by him during their conversations- think back to the first phone call right after he stole the book, completely unafraid.

and for blitz, it's someone trusting him again- but it's also a royal- a blue blood who's nearly untouchable and so much more powerful- who couldn't possibly like a piece of shit like him, apart from the sex he gets out of it. he only flirts once he gets some sort of cue from Stolas; he's desperately trying to view this as only a Goetia trying to get his rocks off, despite all the evidence to the contrary, because anything else is unfathomable to him, no matter how clearly Stolas shows it, because of the ptsd.

both of them thinks the other has the power. both of them aren't expecting the other to keep shut if something's bothering them.

and there's so much conflicting messages from the other too!

stolas calls him a plaything when trying to intimidate the humans; stolas cups his face gently and asks if he's alright

blitz asks him on a date and tells him to get better soon; blitz yells that it's only sex and doesn't reply to his messages

ya see?

bring it to fizzozzie for a second now; even though they do look all good on surface, you can still see fizz's trauma and doubt in all their interactions, they're still forced to keep the relationship secret. do you see his face when Ozzie says in hyperbole that he's never leaving the house again, or when someone accuses him of being a pampered house pet or when he got sexualized in the 7th ep? whatever happened in the interim between the accident with mammon, it fucked him UP. even though oz seems to be well aware of this when he tells him not to apologise and in their general interactions, fizz still visibly has trouble separating plaything/commodity from healthy relationship.

shout the fuck out to Ozzie btw, man knows whats UP. rooting for these two so much omg.

i forgot where I was going with this point, I'll edit it when i remember. but yeah! lovely fucking relationship, but damn what angst filled issues.

anyway, to sum up- stolitz is not a toxic relationship. the relationship is stuck sludging through misunderstandings and careless microaggressions and trauma responses, but it's not unhealthy or toxic because of the simple reason that most of the current hurt comes from... a misunderstanding. stolas didn't realise blitz would need reassurance about what they were and blitz didn't see stolas as someone who could get hurt.

unecessarily calling it toxic, even online, is more impactful than people think too. almost all spindlehorse ARE on all social medias; so MANY YouTube animators i know have found jobs there; they see your words, especially since a lot don't tag posts with "anti hb" correctly to keep them out of the main tag. there are Very few queer medias made BY queer people that haven't gone through heavy corporate revisions- helluva boss is practically a historical landmark in its success. it's very very very fucking easy to forget that not ten years ago some of the only queer videos on YouTube were butter lover (one kiss at the end post credits), dirty paws and welcome to hell (subtext).

the amount of "critical talk" helluva boss gets for what it is is very unprecedented. it's a beautiful show. can't wait for the next episode.

[deanwasalwaysbi]

Dean's nothing about our lives is real speech? When he says "everything we are is because of chuck"? He was speaking privately & directly to Castiel when he said that.

Not to Sam. Not everything I am. Everything we are. Dean was having a full on crisis.

"You asked, 'What about all of this is real?' We are." Dean didn't know how right Cas was.

Like no baybee. It'll take 15 episodes, but god himself will tell you Cas defied him and his plan to love you, actually.

[nekropsii]

Meat!Roxy was crazy because the evidence for Roxy being Transfeminine - not Trans generally, Transfeminine SPECIFICALLY - has been there since her introduction. And the reading of her being Transfeminine has been enhancing her character since… You know, her introduction.

Roxy being a Trans Girl has been one of the most widely accepted Transfem headcanons I’ve ever seen. It was very difficult to deny it, and even harder to deny the power that a Transfeminine reading for both Kanaya and Roxy gave to the scene where Roxy gives her the Matriorb she took so much time and effort to steal from Nothingness.

The ability to be a mother handed to someone grieving their literal biological inability to have it… It’s powerful. It’s even more powerful if this is someone who knows where that pain is coming from intimately, and the alleviation of that dysphoria brings nothing but better things to the world at such a large scale. From one Trans Girl to another - here is the ability to be a mother, and to use that motherhood to help bring your entire race back from extinction. With the Transfem reading, this scene has brought me to actual tears. It enhances it so much.

So, like, what was the point of all that they did in the Meat Route? It wasn’t for greater character development, most everyone agrees it only did bad things for Roxy’s character. Spite? Is that it?

[essektheylyss]

My thing about Veth potentially venturing into polyamory is that I do think everyone involved would be perfectly fine with it and happy to help her experiment, and I think that no matter how they do it, it would not fix her. This isn't to say that she wouldn't get any benefit out of trying! It's just to say that it's not a solution to her actual problem, because I genuinely don't think the problem is that she's lacking any one thing that would make her life complete.

Fundamentally, I think Veth struggles with the idea that there will come a point at which she has to settle. Not in a bad way, just in the sense that she is one person with one life and she will have to live within those bounds. Because the thing is, I don't really think her issue ends at struggling to "have it all"; to an extent she does! She is a good parent, even if her kid is a little rebellious; her marriage is supportive (and has fun sex); she gets to go off to save the world with Yeza's blessing on occasion, when the world needs saving. She doesn't have all of these things all the time, but... that's not really a flaw, that's just a fact of life.

But she started out her adult life settling to an extent—even if she loved Yeza and loved being Luc's mom, she did the safe thing that was expected of her. The goblin attack and everything that transpired after shoved her out of that life, but in retrospect, to an extent it likely feels that that pushed her to find something more that she wouldn't have had otherwise. Being pushed to her limit under the worst conditions made her better, stronger, braver, and at the end of it she found that she could have both her original life and much of her new life—so why wouldn't she then wonder if further experiences of that ilk could do the same?

Crucially, she has not actually run up against a hard limit yet, and as such she hasn't had reason to believe that there is a point at which she has to stop and recognize that there isn't more for her to find. When she was drinking more heavily during missions, even when it caused the death of herself or others, there were no long-term consequences. And the thing is, I'm not saying that she should face that kind of major consequence, but she seems as though she is scared to accept that maybe she could be happy if she stopped before she does.

I'm also not suggesting that she should stop experimenting or trying new things—the Luxon knows I am not one to talk in that realm—but I do think she is searching for novelty not because that would make her happy, but because she doesn't believe that she has the capacity to know what would make her happy. She was unaware that polyamory was even an option, so think of what else she might not be aware of! She doesn't have perfect knowledge of the world, after all, so how can she trust that she's found what she really wants? So yeah, she could fuck someone else, and it might even be an enjoyable experience that she didn't know was missing! But that only prolongs the question of what else she might be missing.

I think that deep down, she's terrified that if she doesn't keep pushing until that external hard limit, she will end up with regrets later, and simultaneously she is resentful that her friends all seem to have reached a point where they are largely content with what they have, because she wants them to have everything. She wants herself to have everything. And she has not yet allowed herself to come to terms with the fact that only she can determine when the everything of what she already has is enough, and anything else is the cherry on top.

[lizzybeth1986]

Nadia Park: The Moral Epicenter of "Perfect Match"

Nadia has, in some ways, been a polarizing figure amongst Perfect Match stans ever since the series debuted back in 2018. A lot of us loved her spunk, spark, humour and optimism, but there were just as many who found her "annoying", looked down on her for "ditching the group" in Book 2, and dubbed her love for Steve as a " crazy obsession". Of course, there is very little that is accurate about such descriptions and there would be very little chance some in the fandom would view her this way if she were a white woman - and besides, such views entirely miss the point on why Perfect Match needed a character like Nadia.

Nadia starts out as the only member of the MC's (canonically large) family that we see, and the Park cousins often see themselves as a unit, who do most things together and look out for each other.

Her attempts to find true love through Eros, and her recommendation of their services to the MC, is what kickstarts the story, and the series itself ends with the cousins reflecting together on their experiences. She is also an artist, and seeing her beau Steve describe her work as "indescribable" is our first indicator of the Matches' most obvious flaw: that they can't interpret meaning from, or attribute emotion to, the abstract.

But over and above all else - Nadia is the eternal optimist. While in the abstract, her thoughts may seem quite morbid, at heart she is someone who believes the best of the people she meets and tends to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. This is in stark contrast to Damien, who is known for his extreme skepticism.

There are different ways Nadia's optimism is viewed throughout the story. By Damien, by the MC, by the people around her - both those who love her and those who grow to love her. Sometimes as an optimism so extreme as to be borderline ridiculous, sometimes as naïveté. But the value of the perspective she brings can only be understood when you look at the theme that is so central to the series.

What Does It Mean To Be A Person?

Simply put, Perfect Match is first and foremost about personhood, identity, and what it means to be human. It starts out with the possible premise of whether androids are human enough. Both the characters in the book as well as many readers in the fandom initially viewed the Matches as inferior to the "actual human beings" in the series, when it was running. But PM managed to turn such an idea on its head. Even now, the narrative has a deft way of making us ask questions about what personhood and senitence could mean.

Shortly after the MC discovers the truth about Hayden (PM1 Ch10), Sloane says the following about the idea of Hayden being "a machine": We are all machines...Your nervous system works on electrical impulses, and your emotions are regulated by chemicals in your brain. It's just that you're a machine of blood and bone, and s/he's a machine of metal and plastic.

More specifically, the core theme of PM is about how personhood doesn't emerge merely from being creatures of blood, bone and brain; how there is a lot more nuance to the concept of humanity than just that, or just emotions, or just free will. It asks us to explore what being human means to us, what it means to have a soul of one's own. It questions the logic of feeling superior to any sentient being who isn't built exactly like us.

Hayden Young - the MC's Perfect Match - is the character that embodies this core idea, with their questions, their conflicts, and their desire to know more about themselves and their world. The fact that they evolve far beyond their programming challenges the simplistic notion that they are not "person enough", that they can be more easily controlled than humans. Their true beginning as a character begins from the moment they ask "How do you open your mouth and tell someone you don't feel real?" and keeps evolving from that point.

Other Matches show elements of this internal conflict too, though not to the extent Hayden does; Steve chooses to embrace the identity Eros has given him rather than challenge it, Dames' personality stops him from attacking the MC even when Cecile overrides his programming. Harley's mission takes a backseat when they fall in love with Cecile, who is ironically the more inhuman person in that dynamic.

Keegan has their own doubts about Rowan and Cecile, and attempts to find out - through their discussion with the MC - whether the outside world is really worth trusting. All the Matches are programmed a certain way, to achieve certain goals. Yet, each of these Matches find their own ways to exercise their independence.

How does the human end of this fare? That is a question that has varying answers throughout the book, across different characters.

Thematically, Rowan and Cecile perhaps inhabit the bottom-most tier of this hierarchy. They are the villains of the series, and their defeat is the high point of the story. Their villainy manifests in two ways: first, in the way they treat the Matches, their "children" (using and abusing them, discarding them whenever convenient, gaslighting the ones who have only them to turn to, violating every possible boundary to get what they want), and second, in the way they treat other human beings.

They celebrate the pain of other people (Khaan, Damien, the guard Hayden hurts at the SF HQ) when it suits their aims (The Siren Project, mapping the human soul).

Rowan and Cecile are the direct antithesis to the idea that humans could be "superior". They are proof that a person could physically be a "human" yet completely lack humanity.

You also have characters like Damien and Alana. People who are human, people who do possess some compassion and empathy, yet allow their cynicism to justify words and acts of casual cruelty, and engage in dehumanizing the Matches. They prefer to save their empathy only for those they like.

Damien calls Hayden "nuts and bolts, computer for a brain" in a dialogue option (PM1 Ch10), and insists on throwing Hayden and Sloane back into the clutches of Eros, even though they have literally just saved the group. Alana herself actually betrays the entire group to Eros with little to no remorse, and is shown often speaking of the Matches in dehumanizing terms.

(last two screenshots are from the Jazmine Cadena YouTube channel, and only show up if you didn't save Steve in Book 1)

While some may claim that Damien and Alana's suspicions and behaviour are understandable, and the narrative itself doesn't exactly require them to apologise for their behaviour...the harm that their language and beliefs generate lasts beyond those stray moments. For instance, Hayden themselves later confirms how much they dread being viewed as an object and the level of discrimination they will face, once they reveal who they are at Winona's talk show:

Eventually, Damien and Alana are required to change their mind to an extent at least. Once they're deeply involved in exposing Eros, there are less occurances of them using dehumanizing language. They are required to at least work with both people and androids whose views differ from theirs, and tone down the hostility, to achieve their goals.

Damien's story starts with him being a man who is forever suspicious and warning his friends about the relationships they choose to be in. As the story progresses, he learns to open up more, trust his allies more, and eventually even attempts to gently talk Keegan out of killing Cecile just to save them. While he never apologizes to Hayden and Sloane - the people he had harmed - for his earlier behaviour, he still manages to look out for them.

Alana's story begins with her desire to not be tied down yet still have some sort of home base to return to, as well as deep-seated insecurities about her own worth as a partner and friend. While it isn't fully known how much she changes with regards to her attitude towards the Matches, she does take a step back in her jibes and insults, co-operating with the ones who are clear allies, and following the law when it comes to Sirens like Harley.

Sloane and Khaan navigate their relationships with the Matches very differently, having played significant roles in creating and shaping them. Sloane, in particular, believes in the rights of the Matches, and is one of their most passionate defenders. She literally quits her job and betrays her company to save Hayden, and is disgusted by Eros' abusive practices towards the Matches. Khaan is fascinated with the growth the Matches have shown since he'd left Eros five years ago, and tries his best to ensure that Rowan and Cecile cannot make assassins out of them.

However, even with all these good intentions, even Sloane and Khaan cannot fully escape some of their own deep-seated biases as human beings. In PM2 Ch 6, Sloane and Khaan speak of Hayden's many skills as if they're a science project, and when the MC adopts UWU, Sloane repeatedly compares Hayden to them. Both times, Hayden voices their discomfort, which is goes mostly ignored.

After an entire day of grappling with different issues - including Sloane and Khaan leaning into technical-speak when talking about them - Hayden calls them out on the damaging impact of their words:

As with Damien and Alana, Khaan and Sloane aren't exactly required to apologize for this either, or even view the way they speak of Hayden as a problem. But the group as a whole doesn't repeat this behaviour again, especially once the battle with Eros is really on and they learn more and more about the other Matches. Eventually, as CEOs, the two can demand for the investors to stall the Match program and replace it with a rehabilitation program for the remaining Matches. When the MC shows an interest in rehabilitating Harley, Sloane confesses that she, too, finds that the best option. If we do not win Keegan's trust, it is Sloane and Khaan's plans to help the Matches, that makes them reach out.

The MC

Where does the MC fit in all this? That depends on the player. The MC begins by viewing Hayden and Sloane with suspicion (PM1 Ch 10), and rightfully so. Both they and Nadia were the ones directly affected - as clients who were duped and later targeted by the company (who - at this point - Sloane represents).

No matter which choices one goes for when they first question Sloane, the MC begins by viewing Hayden as a con artist who betrayed them. Once Sloane explains Hayden's plight to them, the MC has the option of either viewing them with empathy and compassion (like Sloane does), or with a distinct lack of either (as Damien and later Alana do). They can also choose to either trust Sloane, or demand she earn back the trust she'd lost.

As the series progresses, the MC becomes friendlier and nicer to the two by default, and advocates for the group to rescue Hayden at the Arctic HQ. By Book 2, whether we have saved Steve or not, the MC cares about both Hayden and Steve as an integral part of their group, by default.

Dames does mention, in PM2 Ch1, that the MC's response to learning his identity was different from everyone else's. "You sat next to me and asked me if I was okay [...] you didnt treat me like...whatever I am". By default, the MC is respected and trusted in the group for their compassion by default.

With the appearance of Keegan in PM2 Ch12, the MC is truly faced with the question of how they view the Matches in general. Not just the ones they are friends with/in love with - but the ones they have seen only in passing, the ones they have never met...the ones they have never built any sort of relationship with. The narrative treats this scene as a turning point for the MC - their response to Keegan dictates whether Keegan's flawed worldview (fed by Eros) will change. It dictates how they will act in the series finale - leaving Cecile to the authorities rather than killing her themself all boils down to whether they trust the MC enough to accept their sound advice.

Emphasizing the rights of every Match allows Keegan to learn to trust the outside world; admitting the MC only gives a damn about the Matches they know personally only confirms Keegan's biases. Even if you're a player who is vehemently anti-robot and would like to refer to the "Match" characters in the story as objects...the narrative itself encourages you to think otherwise, or to at least pretend to do so to save your own skin. It is, eventually, the MC who is credited with encouraging certain Matches (like Dames and Keegan) to trust more human beings and hope for a better future.

But How is Nadia the Moral Center of This Book?

So far, we've spoken about the different approaches the other characters (esp the LIs) take to the question of the Matches. We have the skepticism of Damien, Alana's prejudices, and the tendency to be careless with one's language in Khaan and Sloane. In the middle of all this, the MC is allowed to choose which view they align with more (unless it's Rowan and Cecile's). So where does Nadia fit in here?

To understand this, we must go back to the role Rowan and Cecile have to play in the story. As mentioned earlier, they are the villains that the group is meant to ultimately defeat. There is nothing particularly redeemable about them, even in playthroughs where the MC can turn on the charm and flirt with Cecile. Both of them are arrogant, power-hungry, and consistently look down on both Matches and other humans alike.

They also completely, and consistently, lack empathy. No matter who is harmed in the wake of their deranged experiments. We are shown, time and again, a Rowan and Cecile whose victims are left bleeding, hurt, and traumatized - and never given even basic medical attention (eg. Cecile celebrates the advancement of the Siren Project when a Match breaks Khaan's arm, and again when Hayden hurts the human Eros guard at the SF HQ... instead of actually calling for a medic to treat them). In fact, the more pain they inflict, the happier Rowan and Cecile feel.

You cannot find a more direct contrast to this mindset than Nadia's. Not only is she someone with an inherently nurturant personality, someone who protects the people she loves - she is also incredibly empathetic. Very often in the story (especially Book 1) we find her constantly regulating the group's emotional responses. When they seem morose and pessimistic, she demands for them to enjoy the moment. (Some good examples of these are the screenshots below and when she forces everyone out of their "sulky pity party" post the humiliation on Winona's show):

But when the group tries (unconvincingly) to maintain a sense of calm in an abnormal situation, Nadia is emphatic on being honest about the gravity of what's happening:

She also has a keen sense of intuition. When Steve goes missing, with a harsh note indicating that he is leaving her, Nadia is insistent that the real situation can't be as simple. She even formulates an "evidence board" to convince the MC and Damien that they should investigate his disappearance further:

The most obvious conclusion the Park cousins can draw, is that Steve wasn't who Nadia thought he was and had unceremoniously dumped her. But it is Nadia who takes the initiative to look back further on the experiences she has had so far with him, and understand that something doesn't quite add up. It is her insistence that gets Damien and the MC to search further and find Gary, that makes Eros have to recall the model, that eventually gives Steve and Nadia a second chance as a couple (either at Arctic HQ if you save him, or in Tokyo if you don't). The fandom often called this Nadia's "weird obsession", but a desire to not want to give up on others is a trait entirely unique to her and isn't just restricted to Steve.

Nadia is also unapologetic about how she feels or how deep those feelings go - nor does she take half-measures when it comes to protecting Steve. Especially once Eros demands for Hayden and Steve to be given to them (or, in the story where one doesn't save Steve at the Arctic HQ - where the group manages to take Steve with them in Tokyo), she looks out for Steve and makes more efforts to understand his needs. Her brief departure from the group (after funding most of their travel and staying expenses) is both an attempt to return to her job and to allow Steve the space to embrace the identity that Eros gave him. She ensures that he isn't too deeply involved in the fighting and investigating that the rest of the group does. She also understands that while the group can still operate pretty well without her, Steve still needs her support more, to rebuild his own life.

Both Nadia and Steve bear scars from what Eros did to them in Book 1, and - depending on when Steve is saved from Eros - seek to navigate their relationship differently from how they did in the beginning. You will notice that in PM1 (esp Chs 3-5), their relationship progresses at a rate that alarms everyone (including Eros, who note that it is going "ahead of timeline"). By Ch 3 they have moved in together, and by Cedar Rest, Nadia drops heavy hints about being interested in marriage.

Nadia learns and grows from this experience. Once she reunites with Steve, she doesn't take initiative herself to pop the question, instead allowing Steve to determine the pace he is more comfortable with for their relationship. If he was part of the group at the end of PM1, the relationship proceeds at a much more relaxed pace in the second book, culminating in a wedding proposal from him in the finale (he also seems hopeful about the prospect mid-book, responding to a speculation that they may get married in PM2 Ch 7 with "never say never"). If not, they have to rebuild that relationship from scratch.

In a lot of ways, the experience of losing Steve and then understanding who he truly is, makes her not only protective of him but also determined not to repeat what could be past mistakes ("rushing" the relationship, asking questions for which Steve may not necessarily have the answers).

At no point in the story does Nadia ever judge Steve, either before she knows the truth or after Sloane confesses. She senses deeper issues when he leaves, and is reluctant to hate on him as a person even after she confronts Gary. Once she discovers the truth from Sloane, she wastes no time in viewing him as a victim of this situation (which he is!).

On its own, this is great. But what perhaps makes Nadia unique from the other (esp human) characters, is that her empathy isn't restricted to those she is directly attached to, and she doesn't wait to have a deeper connection with Match before wholeheartedly supporting their rights and defending them.

The MC can choose to say similar things and act in a similar manner. But if the player has them respond otherwise, it is Nadia who consistently argues for treating the Matches like the sentient beings...for the persons...that they are. It is Nadia who consistently believes they are worthy of respect and deserve their rights. Anf It is Nadia who is, by default, the most powerful counterpoint to the twisted beliefs of Rowan and Cecile.

Even before Sloane can properly explain Hayden's predicament to a suspicious MC, it is Nadia who realizes that Hayden (and by extension Steve) is innocent. It is Nadia who stands up for Hayden against Damien and Alana, and agrees first to support them. Among the entire group, she is the one who most consistently calls out her friends when they dehumanize and objectify a Match. Even Steve, the Match she loves, is expected to understand this and lend his support to fellow Matches. If he does seem to falter in doing so, she doesn't hesitate to remind him.

This is an approach that most of the group, and most of the "good" characters in the story, follow by the end of the book - but it is clearly Nadia who follows it first, and exemplifies this respect and sensitivity for all sentient beings best.

If Rowan and Cecile are utterly devoid of empathy and humanity, Nadia is the one who is full to the brim with it.

The MC can be credited with changing their minds if they insist that every Match deserves the same respect, the same rights as any human being. But it is Nadia who - in every way, and in almost every scene she is a part of - truly embodies this principle.

At a very important turning point in PM2, Keegan can ask the MC why they care so much about the Matches, why they put themselves at risk for them. The narrative indicates to us that our response changes the way Keegan (who later becomes a powerful union leader for the surviving Matches in the series finale) views not only us but humans as a race. And if the MC treats them with respect and compassion, it allows them to break out of Eros' brainwashing and gaslighting and accept a newer perspective on the world.

--

Tagging @nadiaparkappreciationweek and @sazanes for NPAD!

[karvviie]

(opening my 10k word document of mainewash AU content) welcome to my twisted mind…

[syncstones]

Medical mishaps and bad at keeping secrets

[an-actual-attack-helicopter]

i can't get over this. i have to analyze it.

if ya didn't notice, uh...massive fucking parallel here. there is no way it wasn't on purpose bro. tdp loves to use parallels to make points to the audience.

then...what was the point here? well, it does illustrate that viren and aaravos are similar in that they are both fathers. aaravos even states that he understood viren's love for claudia because of his experience with leola.

so, i wonder if perhaps this parallel does not serve to make a point, but to pose a question to the audience: why would aaravos kill someone just like him? and why would he manipulate viren's daughter even though if someone did that to leola he would be furious? how can aaravos be so heartless, despite being able to relate so much to viren?

those are good questions, so much so that they are difficult to answer. it is hard to imagine someone having such a lack of shits to give about someone like themself. but i am going to try.

maybe aaravos suffers from a sort of tunnel-vision, for lack of a better term. ever since leola's passing, his entire purpose has been revenge. he doesn't care what happens, he just wants to show the cosmic council that they fucked around and found out.

BUT I HAVE A COUNTERPOINT FOR MYSELF: how the hell would someone who lives for so long to manage to avoid considering his impact on people like viren and claudia?

GUESS WHAT? I HAVE A COUNTERPOINT-COUNTERPOINT: that is honestly sometimes what trauma can do to you. i mean, it's a really extreme case but like. the depression just gets so bad that you just don't give a fuck about the world anymore. you are in too much pain yourself to care that you're hurting people. you choose to feel nothing over feeling your pain and still being a good person. i'm not justifying this by any means, btw. it's just how the ball rolls, sometimes. dont ask how i know all this lmfao

but all that is just my guess of what is going on inside his head. i think this is one of the few times that my history of depression actually gives my arguments more credibility lol

[galahadwilder]

A Theory About the Doctor’s Species of Origin

So usually in NuWho, whenever anyone asks if they have a name other than “The Doctor” or “Doctor,” the Doctor replies something along the lines of “nope, just the Doctor.” However, Fifteen has broken that pattern: when Ruby asked him about that, he responded that “the species that took me in uses titles like [rattles off a bunch]. Use ‘The Doctor’ for a thousand years and that becomes your name.”

The thing about RTD’s writing is that you can sometimes tell when something has extra emphasis, like the thing about the Bees in Donna’s season. And the Doctor repeats this bit of information twice, once completely devoid of context, making absolutely certain that you understand that “Time Lords use titles.”

Who else uses titles? Specifically, who in this season is big on titles?

Well, the Pantheon.

The Toymaker. The Maestro.

Hell, in Classic Who, the Toymaker was originally supposed to be part of the Doctor’s as-yet-unnamed species before Michael Gough died and became unable to reprise the role. The Maestro even gives the Doctor another title! “The Lord Temporal.”

The Toymaker uses doors to step from one end of history to another. The Maestro uses pianos. In both cases, they’re bigger on the inside—doors to extradimensional spaces. What if it wasn’t just Regeneration the Time Lords engineered from the Timeless Child—what if it was all of their tech? What if that’s why nobody can reproduce TARDISes properly—it’s not science, it’s play?

Last bit of evidence: the Maestro is aware of the background music and the fourth wall. They open the episode by playing the Doctor Who theme, intentionally triggering the opening credits. The Doctor is the only other character so far who’s proven to be aware of the fourth wall (the Beethoven’s Fifth rant in Before the Flood, for example), to the point that he even mentions during The Devil’s Chord that he thought the background music was non-diegetic—as in, he can hear the background music. He knows he’s in a show.

The Doctor, the Lord Temporal, might very well be one of the Pantheon.

[metamatronic]

really bummed over matpat leaving (even if I mostly watched gtlive nowadays) but hope his other projects go well and he can focus more on his family!!!

[scarapanna]

Hello metadedede nation/silly

I needed to doodle this goofy penguin on wb man he's fantastic

[Separate messy Dedede doodle undercut]

What a lad

[tofixtheshadows]

The thing to me about Kabru's ambiguous eating disorder is that, well, how could you take any pleasure in eating when all your worst memories are of the most violent and taboo acts of eating there are? The desecration of the dead, the mauling and devouring of living bodies, the implication of cannibalism when the dead rose as new monsters to eat their own kin. Humans becoming food. How could eating ever be a source of casual comfort for you after witnessing that? After you watched predators tear into your own mother's body?

The horror of Senshi's past hinges on his fear that he was a cannibal, but he grew up to care deeply about cooking and nutrition and feeding others because the real trauma was starvation, which breaks past the taboo of cannibalism. And so he makes sure that he and the people around him do not starve.

The horror of Kabru's past is one of excess. An entire people wiped out because they were made into food, into piles of corpses and blood soaking the land, with the gluttony of a demon's endless appetite behind it. And Kabru grows up to deprive himself so utterly that he's willing to die for a cause, to make his own life worth something.