#content warning included

[discowingneckline]

revel in our unrest

Summary: "Dick? You good, man?"

Dick was, in fact, not good. Fuck, this was totally an opening for him to do what he and Dr. Kim talked about him doing: the ever-dreaded boundary setting. He could totally do this.

In which Dick Grayson has had enough of his friends playing into his promiscuous reputation, and he stands his ground and sets some boundaries with them.

Word Count: 7866

Rating: M (Mature)

Pairing: Gen

Warnings: Past Rape/Non-Con, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-Con, Victim Blaming, Slut Shaming, Non-Consensual Groping, Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Abusive Relationship (referenced/implied)

Other Tags: Hurt No Comfort, Bittersweet Ending

A/N: I have no idea how tumblr works, so have fun, I guess. I also have an AO3 account where I post things with the same username. Um, I'm just as inconsistent with characters as DC is. This will be getting a follow up in late May/early June as requested by some users on AO3. OH! And this is posted because it's been sitting in my drafts for over a year, but also because April is sexual assault awareness month!

Once again, Dick and the others were waiting for Wally to show up. Dick was leaning back into the booth seat, tossing back as much beer as he could without downing it all in one go. He didn’t want to have to get up just yet to get another. There was some loud techno-pop kind of remix playing, and the others were catching up about their civilian lives while Dick thought back to his most recent conversation with his therapist.

They’d met once-a-month now instead of the bi-weekly, weekly, or twice-a-week appointments. It had started months after Tarantula—or rather after Dick had come to the decision that he wasn’t going to get better if he didn’t get help because he had tried and failed spectacularly. 

Dr. Kim hadn’t been his first therapist, he'd seen another before her. Before her, he had been Dr. Pace, who he had seen for a session two weeks after he’d left Tarantula, but Dick had been scared and ashamed, and he hadn’t gone back for his next session.

He had been sitting to the right of Dr. Kim in a blue armchair, preferring that to the small and comfortable couch across from her. He had put the little fluffy pillow on his lap, pulling at the strands of fabric attached to them as he had worked up what to say. Dr. Kim waited patiently, her notes and pen resting as she looked at her shoes; she never stared him down, and it was an action that made everything less anxiety-inducing. 

Dick had pulled his attention from the pillow, looking at Dr. Kim as he had said, “There’s a get-together with the Titans and Young Justice team, I was invited.”

He’d told her a lot of things: his parent’s murder, being brought in by Bruce Wayne, about being a vigilante, the teams and heroes he’s worked with, the villains and horrible people he’s fought and won and lost to, the other members of his family, and the rapes. It’d been a hard decision to come to, letting Dr. Kim in on the know, but if Dick was going to come and try to figure everything out and how to cope, then he didn’t see the point in lying—if anything, it’d diminish what happened to him. Instead of telling her what happened with Blockbuster and then Tarantula, he’d have to explain away what actually occurred (especially with how televised Blockbuster had been). 

Dr. Kim had kept her comforting presence as he’d told her, not showing any sort of reaction Dick could have taken as being judgmental. She’d learned early on that he was hyper aware of people’s reactions to everything, and then had adjusted herself around him accordingly. Dick had known this anyway—after all, he’d been trained under Bruce’s wing. She had then tilted her head just barely to the side. 

“Invited? D’you think you’ll go?” Dr. Kim had asked, her voice light and inquisitive. 

Dick had shrugged his shoulders, parting his lips to respond before shutting them back up. He hadn’t decided at that point. It had been Kori who invited him, but she invited everyone so he hadn’t taken that as anything. Soon after that though, his phone had been blown up with texts from Donna and Wally talking about it, and he started feeling guilty for thinking about not going. He hadn’t seen them outside of their brief team-ups or saves in costume in months, and the one time he’d be able to see them and everyone else and not be stopping crime or saving the planet would be the party. “Donna and Wally want me to go.” 

He was content to let that just be his answer to block out his own feelings about it, but Dr. Kim raised her eyebrow, challenging his response. Dick huffed, feeling his frustration start to bubble up. He’d always had a temper, and it often came out when he didn’t get what he wanted. “I don’t know,” Dick admitted, poking and prodding at the pillow again and trying to release some of his pent-up energy. “I don’t really want to see some people who’ll be there. They haven’t changed at all, not with me at least.”

“Do you feel like you have to go? For Donna and Wally?”

“Sort of, but it isn’t just them. Everyone expects me to go; I’m the social butterfly, the friendly, forgiving hero.” Dick had said that last part bitterly, spitting the words like if he didn’t just then they’d burn him. 

“Is that what they expect of you? That you’re always friendly and forgiving?” She had already known about this part—the expectations and whatnot because they were inescapable in his life. Dick hadn’t felt the need to answer then, but Dr. Kim’s eyes had been soft and filled to the brim with an understanding that made something in Dick crack. 

“Yeah,” he responded, looking away from Dr. Kim yet again. “But I’m not always nice, everyone knows that, but whenever I’m upset or angry and no one else is, then I become a joke.”

“They don’t respect or acknowledge your feelings that contradicted what they wanted you to feel, and that made you feel like you weren’t important or that you could rely on them as your friends.” Dr. Kim had written something down in her notes then, before asking him another question: “Did you ever have a conversation with them about how they made you feel?”

Dick had shook his head. “I mean, no, not really? But it’s not like I laughed and joked with them, they could see I didn’t find it funny.” He also would try playing it off and changing the subject, and that worked on occasion, but not often enough, which just left Dick feeling hurt when he should be feeling content at the very least. That’s what he was worried about really, was getting hurt again when he should be having a good time.

And like she could read his mind, Dr. Kim had spoken up again, “And that happened a lot? Are you afraid that anytime you’re with them, that you’ll be brushed off and laughed at?” 

Dick had sat there, picking at the pillow, biting the inside of his cheek while he avoided answering the question, but that was an answer in and of itself. He knew that, Dr. Kim knew that, and the two had been enveloped in a thickening silence. He had hated the invisible wall that was being built, it had made him squirm in his seat and speak up again. “Yeah, I don’t know if they actually like me or if they just like the idea of what I’m supposed to be. I just want to be me and have people like me for who I am and respect me for who I am.”

“You don’t let a lot of people in. From our other talks, you bring up that you’ve been a leader, that you’re the oldest of your siblings…and you don’t want to tell Bruce or any of the other older heroes because you don’t want to be rejected or hurt again like what’s happened with your teammates, and you don’t want them to think you’re weak or poison,” Dr. Kim had started, getting a sympathetic look on her face. It had made Dick anxious for what else she had to say. “Dick, it’s okay to be vulnerable with people and let them in, and you don’t have to spill every dark and gritty thing you’ve been through, but keeping people at arm’s length because you’re scared you’ll get hurt will only keep you from making those kinds of connections you want.”

“I know, I just…it’s just hard.”

“Do you miss those people—the ones you can’t be yourself comfortably with?”

“Yeah, we all used to be really close, and we’re still close; we all just have more responsibilities, and life got busy, and then stuff happened, and we all just drifted a bit,” Dick had explained, shaking his head. It was all true; they’d gotten older, got a day job, and some had started families, making it all the harder to see each other. They all still talked on the phone when they could, met up outside of their night jobs when they could, and that was just the way of getting older. 

And Dick still wanted to be friends with some of his former teammates, they were good people, but he didn’t want to be “friendly” teased about his looks, flexibility, or sex life. Sometimes, he didn’t mind it, like when he’d be practicing, but it’s less of practice and more like breathing and flying and performing, but when he was just trying to exist? When all he wanted was to hang out and have a fun time with his friends? Yeah, that wasn’t nice.

“And I mean, I like people—I like lots of different kinds of people,” Dick had added, “And it sucks that they don’t get that I don’t like their comments about me, and we get along otherwise. They care about me, I know they do, and I care about them and their lives. I just…” He had huffed, shrugging his shoulders and taking a new, big interest in the snake plant by the window. 

Adonis, the club Kori had set up the little reunion at, was the typical, run-of-the-mill club in Jump City. There were different social levels to it, one for the average Joe, another for celebrities, and another for the club’s private investors and the secret little club. They were on the first level, the main one, really, with all the people who were just trying to have a fun time on a Friday night.

They had a corner booth table, off the side of one large dance floor and near the main bar. Dick sat next to Donna, with the latter being on the inside of the seating and next to Victor, Garfield and Raven. Roy was sitting across from Dick with space next to him for someone else to sit and next to him was Kori. Wally had yet to show up still, but it was common knowledge that all the speedsters were late to everything. There were some rounds of drinks at the table, though Roy’s was dry being both the designated driver and being very cautious around this kind of stuff. 

Dick himself had a Heineken that he was taking a swig of every-so-often. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn’t a huge fan of alcohol, and when he did drink it was normally a few beers with friends and not fruity drinks.

“Hey, guys, sorry I’m late!” came a familiar voice. Dick turned his head from staring at his drink to looking at his best friend. Wally was in a red shirt with a blue jean jacket on top, and he had pants almost as tight as Dick’s. There wasn’t really a moment of hesitation from Dick standing up and giving Wally an one-armed hug. The two parted quickly, and Dick sat back down where he’d been while Wally took a seat next to Roy. Wally looked around the table, leaning back into the booth. “What’d I miss? What were you guys talking about?” 

“Nothing important, dude,” Garfield started, “Just catchin’ up. Roy was just about to tell us how Lian’s doing.”

“Yeah, man, how’s the kid?” Victor asked, taking a sip of his drink.

Roy smiled a bit, “She’s doing good. Little squeaker just started learning to skateboard. Got one for her birthday. You ever have to chase down a kid to get her to put her helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads on? More work than a drug bust.”

“Who ended up on babysitting duty?” Wally asked.

“Ollie and Dinah,” he answered. “ Lian likes spending time with them, and they spoil her rotten. Last time I picked her up, Ollie had pink and purple sparkle glue in his hair.” And that got some laughs out of everyone. Dick could imagine that well, the last time he saw Lian—God, that’d be well over a year ago—she was very adamant about what her Uncle Dick was supposed to say at her superhero tea-picnic party. 

“It’s great to hear,” Donna said. “Kori, Raven, let’s go dance and let the boys do their own thing. It’s been too long since I last saw you both.”

“If I have to,” Raven replied monotone. She had a small smile on her face though, so Dick assumed she couldn’t be too put off by the idea.

“Yes, please,” Kori exclaimed, then she looked at the rest of them, “if you would…”

Wally, Roy, Garfield, and Dick all got out of the booth, letting them out to go off to dance. 

“Don’t have too much fun without us!” Garfield called out to Donna, Kori, and Raven as they walked off. The guys sat back down where they had been, leaving the spaces the girls sat at free. Roy and Wally were talking back and forth, and Victor started talking to Garfield about some new tech he was coming up with.

It was the perfect time for Dick to go and get himself another drink, seeing as his just emptied. “I’ll be right back,” he said, scooting out of the booth and standing back up once again. “Need anything from the bar?” The four other men all said something along the lines of no, and so Dick left them to their own devices.

The walk to the bar wasn’t that long in reality, but it felt like several minutes with all the maneuvering he had to do around groups and the occasional stumbling shitfaced patrons. There were a few open seats at the end, and instead of sitting down at the seat, he stood to the side of one furthest away from any other people. 

There was a man bartending with a woman, though it had been the man who had seen him. The bartender made a few drinks for a couple of women down the bar, flashing them a couple of amused smiles and nodding along to whatever they were talking about. After, the man came down to Dick.

“What can I get for you tonight?” the bartender asked smoothly, hands resting on the edge of the counter as he waited for Dick to answer. For all intents and purposes, he was just about to—

“Hiya, handsome,” a honeyed voice cooed, turning Dick’s attention away from trying to order. The voice belonged to a young woman, with blonde hair in pretty curls and a clip holding some of it back. Her make-up was intricate and flattering to her pale complexion and brown eyes, and it went well with the tight red dress she wore that gripped at her skin. She leaned forward a bit, angling herself towards him. “You here alone or d’ya got some friends around?”

Dick blinked, keeping a firm grip on the cash in his hand. He didn’t want to answer, all he wanted was to get a drink and go back to seeing everyone, but maybe the girl would back off if she saw Donna or Kori, not that there was anything there to see, but… “With friends,” he said, looking over in the direction of the group.

He totally forgot that both Donna and Kori had gone off to dance together, but Raven was back in the booth. Raven was leaning her head on Beast Boy, having apparently barely been out dancing before coming back and listening as Wally was explaining something with lots of hand motions and jerky movements. Victor looked halfway intrigued and somewhat amused, and Roy had his eyebrows raised, but Roy wasn’t paying attention to Wally, he was looking straight at him. Raven and Garfield caught on, and followed Roy’s sight to him. 

The woman gave the group a little excited wave, before looking back up at Dick with her head tilted to the side. “I’m Brittany, ya got a name, baby?” 

“I do,” Dick said, furrowing his eyebrows and looking back at the bartender who was waiting on him. “Can I get another Heineken, please?” 

Dick slid the cash he had over, and the bartender picked it up, though just as the man was about to go and get what he ordered, Brittany interrupted, “Can I get another Piña Colada, please? And can you put it on my tab?”

“Sure thing,” the bartender said, walking down a bit to get their drinks. Brittany turned her head to look back at Dick.

“C’mon, you don’t gotta be all Mr. Mysterious with me,” she teased, stirring her almost empty drink lightly with a straw. Brittany gazed at him through her eyelashes. “Here, I’ll guess: hm, Tyler?” She must’ve seen something on his face or taken his lack of answer as her being wrong, because Brittany continued on, “Josh? Mason?”

“Dick.”

“D’ya live ‘round here, Dick?” Brittany moved a hand off her drink and onto Dick’s. The motion of her finger’s brushing over his hand made him slightly tense up and his stomach churn. He moved his hand back a bit, trying to shake her off and signal that he wasn’t cool with any of this, but her hand followed and stayed on his. His body tensed up more, and he squirmed a bit to try and loosen up. 

Touch was finicky for him now; he was most comfortable with initiating it first, and for the people close to him, he was okay with them touching him as long as he knew it was coming on most days. He didn’t like being touched without seeing it coming, and he definitely didn’t like when people touched him without his consent.

“Not really,” he replied, hoping to keep this conversation short. He gave her a tight-lipped smile, trying to ease his own discomfort. Hopefully, she’d take the hint and back off; he really didn’t want any of this while trying to hang out with his friends. Maybe if he moved his hand back some more…

“S’okay, I’ve gotta place a couple blocks down—it’s got a nice bed, but a girl gets lonely, y’know?” Before Dick could respond, the bartender set his beer down in front of him and gave Brittany hers. He gave a stiff nod to the bartender as thanks, and started to move back from the counter. 

Now that he wasn’t waiting on his drink, it should be easy to just brush Brittany off and sit back down with his old team. Key word: should. Despite Dick being dubbed The Boy Hostage, and the countless times he’s escaped after being tied up, he quickly realized that it still wouldn’t be very easy to brush Brittany off. He took maybe five steps before he had to stop. She skipped ahead a few steps before spinning to face him directly. When he moved to the side to go past her, Brittany simply moved in front of him to block him. 

“C’mon,” she whined, tilting her head to her side and acting coy, “Don’t leave me hangin’ for realsies. I’m sure ya friends won’t mind if you and me go back to mine.” At that, she turned to look over her shoulder and at his friends, and he followed her gaze, seeing Roy and Gar grinning at his plight. Great.

“See, baby,” Brittany said, bringing her free hand up to stroke his arm. He didn’t bother to move this time, too caught up in his friends teasing him up ahead. She moved closer to him so their bodies were ever so slightly touching. Dick couldn’t tell if he was hearing his heartbeat or if it was hers. Does this place have air conditioning? They should turn it on because he can hardly even brea—and he needs to keep his eyes on his friends and not at her (though did he even really want to be there, too?) Brittany playfully pouted, moving her arm to poke at his cheek. “Get outta ya head, baby. Me and you could have lotsa fun, whaddya say?” 

Apparently, Dick didn’t respond to her touch or words quick enough for her taste, because she tilted his head a little bit and kissed the side of his jaw. He was jolted from his thoughts and he looked at Brittany briefly before looking up and at the walls for some sign for the men’s restroom. God, he’s going to puke. 

“Uh, no thanks I’m just…gonna, um.” Dick gulped, his eyes darting back and forth between her and wherever the fuck the restroom was. Why was it so hard to find a bathroom in a fucking club? And was it raining outside, he could have sworn he heard rain, but that wasn’t on the forecast for tonight because he checked. Dick kept looking for a few more seconds before giving up. If he could make it back to his friends, then Dick could force himself to calm the fuck down and everything would be fine. 

And then there was a hand squeezing his ass.

Everything was not fine, everything was going to shit. It was going to happen again and how pathetic was he if he was just going to let it happen again. He just needs a second to think and a second to calm down. And the woman was saying something, but God she didn’t even look like anything anymore, and he used his hand to force hers off. Dick feigned moving to the left, and as she moved to block him again, he moved to the right and started swiftly making his way back to the table his friends were occupying. 

She was calling out to him, saying some sort of nonsense he couldn’t make out. And Dick didn’t turn back to see if she was following him, he didn’t want to know. Not too long once he started his way back to the table he was sitting back down. Donna and Kori had come back from dancing not a moment after he arrived, and they squished him towards the wall side of their booth.

Dick barely had time to get comfortable where he sat before the interrogation and teasing started. Unsurprisingly, it was Gar who started it, even the comedian even after all these years. 

“Who’s the pretty lady you were talking to?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows. Roy hummed in agreement, nodding his head at Dick.

“Yeah, man, be brave and bold, and spill,” Wally chimed in.

When Dick glanced over to Kori, he saw her posture shift. Their relationship didn’t end on too horrible of terms in the very end—clearly not, if they could stand to not only trust each other in the field, but also spend time together outside in civvies. The topic of lovers and relationships, however, had mostly been off the table for discussion. Kori definitely didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say about when they were still active members of the Teen Titans, and she definitely didn’t need to know about the whole fiasco with Barbara and how he severely fucked that up. Dick didn’t want to hear about what Kori had been up to, not that he didn’t want her to be happy or disapproved of any short-lived flings, but he still cared a lot about her and got caught up on all the what ifs. Like, would they have had a kid by now had they stayed together? Would Lian have had a cousin to play with?

He spun his beer around a few times before gulping some down. It did no good thinking about all the what-ifs, and that was something he knew before he started therapy. Dick shrugged, looking back over to Garfield. “Not much to say,” Dick replied, spinning the beer around again but the other way. “I’m not here to hook-up with anyone.”

“That’s new,” Roy snorted, putting his arm on the table and tapping his fingers a bit. Dick’s lips twitched down just barely, but he didn’t realize fast enough to stop before the other’s noticed.

“Hey, man, we’re just messin’ with you,” Victor added.

“Yeah, nothin’ wrong with givin’ into your nature,” Garfield said. Yeah, because sleeping with every man, woman, and adult person was totally Dick’s nature and not something people came up with on their own. 

He’d thought back to when he was glued to his bed, stuck in his thoughts for days just there. The whole womanizer thing started at one of the richy-rich Bristol galas when Bruce wasn’t Bruce but Brucie, and Dick’s own persona was charming and people-pleasing. People commented on how handsome he was getting, making their predictions of how he’d turn out in a couple more years. He’d get all the ladies in Gotham, following in his mentor’s footsteps, surely, they’d say. Yeah right, it figured the people who’d tease him like that would later get tied up and left to be arrested from the company they kept. 

“I wasn’t interested,” Dick ended up saying, “I came here to catch up with you guys; it’s been too long.”

“Not for lack of trying. You’ve been off in Blüdhaven and keeping busy with your night job,” Donna pointed out, taking a sip of whatever it was she had gotten. He knew she didn’t mean it in a condescending way, but it still stung a bit. He took another drink to hide his hurt. 

“We mean no offense, Dick,” Kori continued for Donna, seeing right through Dick. “It can be hard, juggling it all.”

“I can understand the masochist appeal of running yourself to the bone,” Raven jumped in still as monotone as always.

Dick shrugged again, looking away from them and to the DJ. He veered them off from digging into him enough, maybe he’d be able to convince someone to go out and dance a bit with him. Just enough until they end up going back to Titans Tower to crash. His mouth started running before he could think about just what to say, “That’s kinda why I’m here, isn’t it? To have fun? Someone dance with me. Donna? Wally?”

A few of them gave him a look he didn’t bother to decipher, but they relented nonetheless and they were off.

———

They made it back to Titans Tower sometime around 2:30am after the club closed for the night. Dick had several beers and some water throughout the night; not enough to really forget much of anything, and not too much that he had any trouble walking and talking. If he had been out on his own, he definitely wouldn’t have gone to a club. Dick would’ve settled for Noonan’s, got shitfaced, maybe gotten into a fight, and had gone home to wallow before realizing that it would be the main topic of his next session with Dr. Kim.

Instead of everyone splitting up to go sleep in their old rooms, Kori offered up the idea for them to have a sleepover in one of the old lounge rooms they frequented years ago. There wasn’t much room left for Dick to go against this, not without everyone getting on his case about him wanting to go off on his own. 

He ended up settling into one of the couches, picking up one of the pillows and holding on his lap to poke and prod at. It gave him something to do that wasn’t bouncing his leg or tapping his fingers. Garfield and Kori had run off to one of the kitchens to make some popcorn and grab other snacks after Gar said they should have a movie-marathon, and Wally had been hot on their heels to finally get some food to eat.

“Speedster’s gotta eat, man,” Wally had said, jumping off from where he was next to Dick. 

Donna had gone off next, wanting to get something to drink for the movie and to go with the popcorn and snacks. Roy and Victor stayed on the opposite sides of another couch, with Victor turning the TV on and scrolling through the different streaming services to find a good, easy nostalgic movie to watch. Raven appeared through the doors just then too after she’d separated from the group to grab a black blanket and pillow from her old room. 

There was a groove that they got back into once they got back into the tower, and while the current Teen Titans team members were still in the tower, they’d very easily offered to stay out of a couple of rooms for them to hang out at. Though, a few of them had peeked into the security cameras for a few seconds to get another look at them. Not super surprising; it was increasingly rare that the original team all got back together and for a non-world-threatening event at that. 

That’s all to say everyone doing their own thing before they start a movie marathon was great for Dick. He could take some time to wind down from the night and loosen up enough to actually participate and be present with his friends. Something he should’ve been able to do in the first place, at least more than he’d given them. 

He picked at one corner of the pillow, tugging at the thread that held it all together. Admittedly, he probably should’ve showered before he got back; most of them should’ve, but the other’s hadn’t really wanted to stop catching up just to shower. They’d just do it once they woke up later that morning. He wasn’t too sweaty, but he felt gross. His skin didn’t feel like his own, and if he got the chance to scrub himself down a bit—or maybe a lot—then he would definitely feel better. The logical part of his mind told him this was because of the woman from the club and it was an internal problem he would be having, but the illogical part of his mind told him he was disgusting and that he could never be clean. 

It was his fault, wasn’t it? Somewhere in their conversation Dick must’ve made a mistake and led the girl on. Dick knew he was attractive; it’s all he’s been told his whole life. He also knew that people liked him, like a lot. That was fine, he liked people too for the most part. It was just like with Miriam and Cat. 

But those weren’t his fault. He knew they weren’t. He’d talked enough with Dr. Kim about it that he knew there wasn’t anything he could’ve done. One disguised herself as his girlfriend, the other took advantage while he was in shock. Jesus, Cat was a whole thing, and he still can’t believe it took him so long to get away from her after. But that wasn’t his fault either, because Cat wanted to hurt him and she could, so she did. Dick didn’t tell her to, therefore it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his—

Dick picked at the thread a bit harder, staring at it hard and like it was the source of all his suffering. Maybe it was. Maybe he made it so. Dick bit the inside of his cheek and picked at the pillow again. He’s fine. He’s doing great even. This isn’t the end of the world. He could get through these things like he always had. Though, maybe he should reach out to Dr. Kim about having another session next week just in case. That’s a problem for tomorrow, he didn’t need anyone coming in and looking over his shoulder or someone asking him who he was texting.

He could imagine what’d happen. Someone would tease him, asking if he was talking to some girl or something. A few others might join in and complain that Dick never tells them anything, which is both fair and also not. Kori would get uncomfortable again, Raven would take some amusement from both Kori and Dick’s discomfort. Then Donna would get worried, and it would just be a mess.

Dick picked at the pillow more, but this time the thread started to fray. He inhaled sharply, moving his fingers to a different part of the pillow so he didn’t completely ruin it. Somehow, he managed to not notice the others coming back. Kori stood in front of Dick, holding two bowls of popcorn, one big and one small. Dick laid the pillow face down so it was flat on his lap.

“It has M&Ms in it. You still like them, right, Dick?” Kori asked, handing the smaller bowl to him. Figures as much; Dick’s appetite was that of a bird.

“Yeah, thanks, Kori,” he replied back, giving her a small smile. She smiled back and left to go sit in between Raven and Roy.

Then, seemingly coming from nowhere, Wally crashed down into the spot beside him, leaning into Dick and propping his popcorn bowl in between his legs. He looked at Dick’s bowl, then said, “Still have great taste, I see.” 

Wally shoveled a handful of his popcorn into his mouth as Donna plopped down beside him with her own bowl and a water bottle.  “Jeez, Wally, save some for the movie,” she teased, kicking his foot so he’d move his leg over just a bit more. He did, and Donna curled up beside him, pulling a red blanket off the back of the couch and onto her legs. 

“Man, c’mon! Anything but Twilight!” Victor groaned, throwing his head back against the couch. 

“What’s wrong with Twilight, dude?” Garfield complained. He gestured to the TV with the remote. “There’s romance, hot girls who could kill you, vampires! Do those mean nothing to you? Donna, back me up here!”

“It is a classic.”

“Thank you! See, man, we have to watch it,” he argued. 

“I think we should watch Top Gun,” Roy said, a bag of chips crinkling in his lap as he pulled some out.

“Hell yeah! See, someone here has taste.” Victor pointed over to Roy with a grin spread on his face. 

Garfield threw his head back this time, so fast that Dick was sure any other person might’ve gotten a concussion from it. “Blah, blah, blah! Who cares about American propaganda movies? Rae, back me up!” 

“Vampires are gothic,” Raven said, curled up in her black blanket, “but I like seeing people fall for propaganda.”

“What?” Gar exclaimed, looking at Raven with the most betrayed look he could muster. Dick snorted and rolled his eyes. He could eat popcorn just by watching everyone go back and forth.

“I vote Twilight,” Wally said, raising a hand up. His mouth was so full it took Dick a second to figure out what exactly he was saying.

“What about you, Kori? What’s your vote?” Roy asked.

Kori shrugged, “Won’t we watch both of them? Does it really matter which we watch first?” That got her several groans, and another little laugh out of Dick. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that meant it was down to him to decide what comes first.

“Dick, my dude, you’ve gotta pick Twilight,” Garfield pleaded. He put his hands together in a praying motion, the remote sandwiched in between. “Please.”

“Why would he want to watch that? He doesn’t want to watch a bunch of hot adult actors play weird, vampire adults and teenagers. One of the actors looks like Bruce when he was an emo teenager,” Roy argued.

Dick didn’t really care what they were going to watch, really. Anything would prove to be a good distraction, and he’d readily welcome it. He opened his mouth to say as much, but Garfield beat him to the punch.

“Uh, what do you mean? He totally would!”

Okay, not super fun having people speak for you, but he could just clear the air and say he doesn’t care, then Garfield could argue it out some more with Roy and Victor until he inevitably lost.

“Over a classic action movie?”

“Uh, yeah? Who doesn’t want to watch hot vampire chicks be angsty on screen, man? One of them is even a redhead!” 

And there’s that. 

“Redhead? Dude, Victoria shows up in New Moon! Get your shit straight!”

Dick struggled to finish chewing and swallowing some popcorn he had tossed into his mouth just a second before. He was reminded of how gross he felt just then, and he shifted in his seat, jostling Wally a bit. Wally turned his head away from where Roy and Garfield were going back and forth and at him.

Dick tried to keep his body relaxed, though he was failing miserably, and Wally’s eyebrows furrowed at him.

“Dick? You good, man?”

Dick was, in fact, not good. He tensed up more. Fuck, this was totally an opening for him to do what he and Dr. Kim talked about him doing: the ever-dreaded boundary setting. He could totally do this. His friends out of everyone would understand this. Kori and him already had their own different boundaries they had to make together in their friendship after they broke up. This would go fine, and they’ll respect what he has to say. He can totally do this, and no, he was not psyching himself out at all. 

“Can you guys stop?” he blurted out. In hindsight, it was funny seeing everyone shut up and just stare at him, but in the moment it felt like he had done something horribly wrong, and suddenly he felt like he should’ve never said anything.

Donna frowned, and sat more upright. “Dick…”

Dick shook his head. He totally could do this, just had to set a boundary and they could move on, and Dick would vote Twilight because it was infinitely funnier than Top Gun and God knew he could use some humor from whatever the fuck tha drama was trying to be. 

“No, really. Just stop. Stop making jokes about whatever you think my type is,” Dick started. He set his popcorn bowl onto the end table to his side. “I don’t think they’re funny.”

“C’mon, man, you totally have a thing for redheads. Kori, Wally, Barbara…two’s a coincidence, three’s a pattern,” Gar pointed out. 

“Yeah,” Roy chimed in. “Not a joke if it’s true.”

“That’s not the point. I don’t want you guys making jokes about that part of my life. Tonight at Adonis? Totally not cool. I don’t just sleep around with anyone, it’s not exactly my thing,” Dick responded, frowning more. He didn’t want to have to keep defending himself over this. Dick shook his head again, scoffing, “Is it that big of a deal that I don’t want you guys doing it?”

“What so bad about the ladies and guys lovin’ you?” Victor asked. “You used to be all for the attention.”

“It’s not a bad thing to admit to wanting flings and one-night-stands, Dick,” Kori added, tilting her head to the side and frowning back at Dick. “It’s quite normal on Earth from what I’ve gathered myself.”

“Again, not the point. It’s just not something I’m into, and I’d really appreciate it if you guys just won’t make those jokes anymore,” he repeated. Dick turned his head away from them and to the TV for a second. “Can we just watch Twilight or something?”

“No way, seriously, what gives?” Roy asked, crossing his arms. He looked fed up with Dick, and Dick could feel himself starting to get annoyed right back at him.

This was nowhere near as easy as Dick was hopefully wishing it would be. He couldn’t even say he was entirely surprised by that fact. Dick had burned a lot of bridges by being a—well—dick, but it was a two-way street, and he’d put a lot of effort in before to fix it. 

Dick’s eyebrows knitted tightly together, and he could help the scoff that erupted from his throat. “What’s so bad about me not wanting you to joke around about my sex life?” 

“You know what? Fuck you, Dick,” Roy retorted, shaking his head in disbelief. He pointed a finger at him, and went on to add, “You can’t say shit about that. What? Get mad that you cheat and can’t keep it in your pants? Grow the fuck up. Stop making everything about you.”

“Roy…” Kori started, but she was quickly interrupted.

“Newsflash, buddy. If you don’t want people to make jokes about your sex life, maybe don’t sleep with everything that walks,” Roy continued. 

“I’m not making it all about me. And for the record, I never cheated on Kori, and I don’t sleep around,” Dick retorted, gesturing around as he spoke. He could feel his cheeks heating up, and something about how everyone looked made his embarrassment worse. Wally’s eyes widened, and he slouched back into the couch. Donna leaned back finally after having sat straight up to try to intervene. Raven was silently watching while Victor and Garfield followed him and Roy like they were the entertainment now. Kori frowned at that, shaking her head.

“Dick—” 

“Seriously? You didn’t cheat on Kori? Does Mirage ring a bell at all? And for the record, you cheating isn’t new. Yeah, I know all about you cheating on Barbara with Tarantula. Who was better that time, Dick, huh, go on, share with the class!” Roy barked, shaking his head. Dick wondered if he was going this hard on him because of his thing he had sort of going on with Kori. He brushed that thought away.

Based on the others' expressions, Dick knew just how pitiful and disgusting he looked to them. It made Dick’s stomach churn, and he wanted to both beat the shit out of someone—anyone—and hide in his room and cry. Who even cares how that information got back to Roy? He certainly didn’t care because whoever he got the information from certainly hadn’t known what the fuck they were talking about. 

“That’s not fair—”

“Oh, not fair? I’m so sorry you can’t handle owning up to your fuck-ups. No one would be so pissed off about this if you'd just admit you’re a slut—” 

“Roy,” Donna interrupted, her tone had a bit of a warning to it. Dick silently thanked her for cutting in, but even that didn’t stop Roy’s frustrated and increasingly loud tirade.  

“—and now the one time we all can get together, you want to start shit and fuck everything up. Get a fucking grip—”

The only thing louder than Roy yelling at him was Dick’s heart that was beating against his chest with the amount of fear-mixed adrenaline Dick usually only got when he’d severely fucked up in the field. 

“I was raped,” Dick mustered out incredulously.

Those three words seemed to make everyone short circuit. Roy’s face twisted, confused; Kori’s as well. Victor and Garfield’s mouths dropped open a bit, and instead of looking at Roy, their eyes were glued to Dick. Raven stopped chewing her black licorice and stared at him. Donna had taken a shaky inhale as though she could believe what Dick had just said. That was fair enough; they usually would tell each other everything, but how could he tell her when he could only sometimes admit it to himself? Wally looked like he was going to cry, and he’d whispered out a dude sometime as Dick tried to calm down and think. 

He was grappling with what he could even say after this admission that would make them see how fucked the whole thing was. His face still felt hot, and Dick was sure if he didn’t get space soon, he’d break down in front of everybody. He started talking before the others could have a chance to try and gaslight him about it:

“I was raped more than once. It’s not my fault that Mirage used her power to look and talk exactly like Kori. And it’s also not my fault that I was in shock and said no, and Tarantula didn’t listen. It’s just not.”

Kori spoke up this time, “Dick, you still should’ve been able to tell the difference between me and an imposter.”

“That’s not fair! As much as he says that he is one of the best detectives in the world, he is still human, guys,” Wally started, shaking his head. “You’re telling me that if someone was pretending to be Dick well enough to fool everyone, that you’d be able to tell?” 

“Well—”

“Should Dick have asked whoever he was with a billion questions to make sure he was sleeping with them and not some piece of shit?”

“Wally,” Dick interrupted. He was back to picking at the pillow, though it was jerky enough that the others paid notice to how shitty he was feeling. “I said yes to my girlfriend, not to Mirage. I definitely said no to Catalina more than once. And while I didn’t say no to the other ones, they were the adults, not me. But that’s not the point. I shouldn’t have to get into what horrible crimes people committed against me for you guys to stop making jokes about all this stuff—”

Dick stood up from where he was sitting, and the pillow made a small thump sound when it hit the floor. He was so tense that he thought if he relaxed even a little he’d be sore for hours. Wally looked conflicted like he wanted to reach out to Dick and get him to sit back down but was too scared too; Donna looked just about the same. The rest of his old teammates were sitting there looking dumb, and it made Dick more angry:

“—I’m not going to just sit here and let you remind me about Mirage and everything else, or let you sit there and call me a slut, or whatever you come up with. And I shouldn’t have to sit here and listen to you blame me, because it’s not my fault!”

His breathing was choppy, almost a heaving sort of sound. He could feel the blood rushing through his veins, and he was most definitely on the verge of tears because everything was getting kind of blurry. 

“Dick…” Donna said, moving her snacks and blanket to the side of her and standing up. 

“No.” Dick shook his head and took a step away from everyone. “No. I’m going back to Blüdhaven. I can’t…I can’t deal with this right now.” 

He made sure he had his phone, keys, and wallet on him before making his way to the doors of the lounge room. 

“Dude, don’t go,” Garfield tried to say. The others joined in, but there was no way he could stay tonight. In fact, he didn’t really want to see any of them for a few weeks. He wanted to stew away in his city, in his apartment until he’d gotten over the embarrassment and the humiliation of tonight.

“I’ll…I’ll catch you guys later. If you need help for a mission or something, let me know,” he responded, standing in the doorway. Just before he left, though, Dick looked back at them and opened his mouth like he was going to say something. Nothing came out though, and so Dick tapped the wall and left.

[tofixtheshadows]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.

Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.

Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.

Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.

I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.

He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).

First, we get this:

Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.

They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.

It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.

We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.

What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?

He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.

In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.

Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!

...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.

Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.

And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.

I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.

And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.

Meals are the privilege of the living.

[pinetreevillain]

Death of Me Part 1

Viewer discretion is advised for this comic folks!

Next

[gingermintpepper]

Day 4: Aristaeus

Interpretation notes and trivia below the cut!!

All rise for the entrance of my president !! Honestly, of all the figures and characters that were up for debate when I first started thinking about this story and who I wanted leading the charge Aristaeus was not one of them. Originally, I'd always known that Asclepius and Orpheus would be worked in somehow - they've always been favourites of mine in terms of children of Apollo (even if Orpheus as the child of Apollo and Calliope is less popular classically) and I expected my pick for the third child of Apollo to be involved to be similarly mortal like Iamus or Tenes but the more I looked into Aristaeus the more I fell in love with him! Ultimately, he's meant to be both a foil and a reflection of his father - a boy who grows up thinking his father's footsteps would always be warm only to realise that following in them would lead to death and destruction. While his status as a rustic and hunting god is still important here, Aristaeus' interpretation is much more focused on his connection to the Etesian wind and his quelling of the dog star Sirius which is why his hair in particular is so long and spiralling. All in all, more than any other figure I've chosen to interpret and represent in my work Aristaeus is the god I hope more people get interested in and research! I think there are a lot of important stories in his various myths and travels and I definitely want more people to discover and fall in love with them as I have!

Some fun trivia:

Apollo's firstborn son. Because he was born mortal on account of his very mortal mother, Apollo immediately took him to Olympus to eat ambrosia to begin his transition into divinity. Apollo would continue to feed Aristaeus small amounts of ambrosia and nectar for the next ten years until the child fully shed his mortal skin and was reborn as a god.

Due to the nature of making mortals deathless (namely the fun part of the process where they are completely remade and lose their mortal memories) Aristaeus spent most of his early life with his mother and siblings where they all pitched in to reteach him his family, his hobbies, his favourite things and ultimately how to live and love. Aristaeus was very attached to his maternal family because of this and his early acts of ingenuity were mostly born from his wish to make things easier for his family.

Aristaeus is the only one of his children Apollo hand raised full time. In those days, Aristaeus adored his father and believed him completely upright and blameless, the true face of a benevolent deity and the kind of man he aimed to be when he was full grown.

They would later have many bitter arguments and conflicts, the first and perhaps most impactful of all being their disagreement over Actaeon, Aristaeus' firstborn son. He wanted Apollo to teach him stating that it was a normal thing for a grandfather to do but Apollo vehemently refused to have any part of Actaeon's rearing, stating that he was not his child and that it was highly inappropriate for him to educate another god's son. When Actaeon later dies, Aristaeus blames a not insignificant part of that on Apollo - something that only worsens when he learns that it was Artemis who cursed the boy and that Apollo was always aware Actaeon would die young.

Spends most of his time travelling from place to place. Doesn't really like Olympus and prefers to spend his time minding animals or tending to fields. Is on wonderful terms with Demeter and Persephone and often makes decadent exchanges of olive oil and preserved meat for exotic flowers and fruit for his bees.

Big fan of wind and percussive instruments. Never liked the kithara because of how finicky it is and far prefers the hand drums and reed flutes of his mother's country. Exceptional dancer.

Will sell prized cattle for high quality and highly unique jewellry. Doesn't much care for gemstones but is an absolute gold fiend and has a massive collection of bracelets, anklets, nose and lip adornments and rings. Has never been north enough to hit India but got a ton of rare and different adornments from his Phoenician in-laws when he was married to Autonoë.

Hates dogs but doesn't mind wolves. Not a big horse fan either

Unlike other winds, he cannot transform into various animal forms. He's close enough to the Anemoi that he keeps up with the gossip but he's only really friends with Notos. Gets along poorly with Zephyrus whose preference for pretty youths has often led to them getting into physical altercations when they were younger. Aristaeus still holds a bit of a grudge about it.

Has a big stupid crush on Dionysus which is embarrassing because Dionysus also put him out of a job. Due to Dionysus' relative youth, he feels a bit conflicted about such feelings - mostly because Dionysus is on extremely good terms with Apollo and Aristaeus doesn't want him to get burned.

Despite kinda despising his father, Aristaeus is a pretty decent eldest brother and regularly keeps in contact with a lot of his siblings. He often delivers mead, flavoured honey and olive oil and uses it as an excuse to chat and catch up. Currently in a bit of a tiff with Asclepius because he's worried about him and his family.

Favourite colour is the rich gold of purified honey, favourite food is lokma and his favourite time of year is winter.

[ninyard]

I had to stop here because if i truly included all of the content warnings this would be a Very Long List

[bird-goofle]

I’m back on my silly art bullshit with more skyjacks things :)

This time with unmounted linocut prints :)

[ndoandou]

gentle reminder for everyone to stop invading harmless spaces because you don't like their stuff, the block button is always available for you 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[neosatsuma]

WHEW. man. well, if you're a fan of Goncharov, you might like In Bruges (2008)

[thevioletcaptain]

So I've been quiet on here a lot longer than planned.

The reasons are many. The reasons are varied.

The reasons are mostly fucking horrible.

Under a cut because it's long. Check tags for content warnings.

First was the expected absence: my parents came to visit me in Los Angeles over my birthday, so I spent the first half of October showing them around whenever I wasn't working a shift at my shitty department store day-job, or in class at UCLA.

Then, almost immediately after they went back to Australia, I got a second job working as a personal assistant for a composer. This was (and is) an extremely fun and rewarding job, but meant having one more thing on my weekly schedule, which was an adjustment.

Given that until halfway through last year, I'd been out of work since I immigrated in 2019, it took a while for me to get used to having so many concurrent responsibilities, and I'd just started to get a handle on things when I got sick right before the holidays. I took many covid tests -- all negative -- and eventually determined that it was just last year's strain of flu, which I hadn't managed to find time to get the shot for due to the aforementioned super busy schedule. I'm almost positive it was thanks to a particular customer at the aforementioned shitty department store job who coughed hard enough in my direction for their germs to get through my n95.

Anyway, last year's flu was a monster, and I spent a week in bed with a fever, then several more weeks being utterly drained and with a horrendous cough to match. It took a full month for me to recover, and then in mid-January, almost as soon as I started to catch up on all the things that had fallen behind while I was sick, things got bad, then good, then worse, then better, then much, much, much worse.

Basically, it starts with my dad being diagnosed with prostate cancer. He'd told me in October when they came to see me, but the surgery was scheduled for the tail end of January.

The surgery happened on a Monday, and it was a complete success. They got it all in one go. No chemo or radiation or further treatment needed at all. I spoke to him on the phone after he woke up, and he was in good spirits. Happy to have been given the all clear by his doctors.

I told him to watch Star Trek: Strange New Worlds & Evil while he rested up at home, because I'm writing specs for both this year and wanted him to be able to read them and know what was going on. He's the one who got me into sci-fi and horror, after all.

He went home.

He was home for two days.

He started feeling a bit rough on the Thursday. Short of breath. No appetite. Mum took him back to the hospital, just to be safe.

Turns out he'd had a mild heart attack. They couldn't figure out why. The echocardiogram didn't show any issues with his heart.

Then over the next couple of days, his breathing got worse. They took a scan of his lungs, and found that they were extremely inflamed. They'd given him covid tests but they came back negative. We told them about a work accident he had about 20 years ago, where a switchboard he'd been working on exploded in his face, and he'd suffered from inhalation burns among other things.

They thought that maybe something during the prostate surgery had caused irritation in his already damaged lungs, which put stress on his heart and caused the mild heart attack. He's never had any issues with his lungs since that accident, but they thought that maybe he'd just adapted to the damage over the years without realizing.

They kept trying different treatments to help his lungs heal. Nothing seemed to work. His breathing kept getting worse. They had him on as much oxygen as possible without intubating him, but it wasn't enough, so over that weekend they decided that they'd need to move him to another hospital with a more specialized lung unit.

When they were preparing to do that on the Monday night, he crashed. Another heart attack. Bigger, this time. They intubated him. Sedated him. Called my mum and told her to come in right away because things looked so bad.

But then he rallied. By the morning, though he was still sedated and intubated, the doctors were confident that with the right treatment at the specialized lung unit at the other hospital, he'd be okay. He was still in a rough condition, but stable. They transferred him to the other hospital.

He was given another covid test. This one came back positive.

My mum and brother called me once it was a reasonable time in Los Angeles to let me know what was going on, and the next day my brother booked me a flight back to Australia. I had to leave for the airport about five hours after my ticket was booked.

I got to Melbourne on February 1st.

For the next two weeks, dad was intubated, sedated, and in an isolation room. Every few days, they scanned his lungs again, and they were slowly improving.

Finally, he stopped testing positive, and was moved to a regular room in the ICU. Then he healed enough for them to extubate him and wake him up.

On February 13th, he was conscious enough to squeeze my hand when we went in to see him. On February 14th, he was conscious and capable of talking enough to ask a nurse in his ward to bring him his phone, and called mum first thing in the morning to wish her a happy Valentines Day.

Two days later, on Friday 16th, his lungs looked good enough on scans that they felt it was safe to do an angiogram, which they wanted to do just to double check that there weren't any issues with his heart that they missed with the echo.

They did the test. They found massive blockages. 90% blockage in one artery; significant blockages in two others.

Even though he'd barely recovered from covid, the blockages were bad enough that they scheduled him for open heart surgery on Monday 19th. They said without surgery there was a 100% chance that the blockages would cause another massive heart attack that he would not survive. They said there was about a 20% chance that he'd have complications, but only about 4% that they'd be serious/life threatening.

Like before, the surgery went well. Triple bypass, in the end. We got a call late on Monday afternoon to say that he was in recovery and looking good. His heart was functioning perfectly. They'd bring him out of sedation that night. Keep him in the ICU one or two days just as the standard post-op procedure. He'd spend a week or so in a cardiac ward after that, then head to a physical rehab ward for a couple of weeks until he could build back the muscle mass he'd lost while sedated.

We went in to see him the next day. Tuesday 20th. His 66th birthday.

He was tired, but looked good. Color in his cheeks. He made a couple of jokes. We left after about 45 minutes because he was pretty worn out, and we wanted to let him get some rest.

But then after, that his breathing started to get bad again. By Wednesday morning, they'd switched out the oxygen prongs in his nose for a big, high-pressure mask again. They called to let us know they were going to intubate him again so he could rest while his lungs recovered a bit more.

They struggled to get the tube in.

His lungs were deteriorating badly. He kept getting worse. We couldn't go in to see him because they were working on him all day.

At 9pm we got a call to say that he was just getting worse. They had him on 100% oxygen. He just wasn't absorbing it. His entire body was under massive strain. They were doing everything they could, but he just wasn't improving.

They said we should go in right away.

We got there by 10pm. My brother and his wife arrived about the same time. We went in to see him. He didn't look good. He looked pale. But he was warm, and he'd come back from the brink before, and we were sure he could do it again. We stayed with him for about an hour, and left not long after 11pm. Went back to my brother's place because they live closer to the hospital.

We were there about half an hour before they called us again. Just after midnight. He was gone.

That was about a week and a half ago, now. It still doesn't feel real. He was only 66. He hadn't even retired yet. He was working full time up until the week before Christmas, and had planned on going back to work a few days a week after he'd recovered from surgery. He never had any heart trouble, or lung trouble. He was active. He was fine.

My wife Zel and her mom flew in a couple of days after it happened. I barely remember anything from the past two weeks. Everything just feels fake.

I've been trying to write something to say at the funeral, which we've finally been able to arrange for next week -- it was delayed because we had to wait for dad to be released by the coroner. I don't think I'll be able to do it.

Anyway. That's where I've been.

It'll probably be a little while longer before I'm around here much, let alone posting with any regularity, because I'll be in Australia helping my mum & and my brother sort everything out. I have no idea how long I'll be dealing with stuff, or when I'll be able to make words cooperate enough to post anything, but I'll be back eventually.

I'm trying to keep an eye on Discord (I'm violetmatter over there) so you can find me there if you want. But yeah, I just wanted to let you guys know why I've been so quiet.

[cowardstiel]

people complain about the porn ban SO MUCH but u look at any tag, even the most G-rated innocuous shit like #nature and you can't go more than 6 posts without full (sexualised, not artistic, just straight-up pornography) tits and vag and arsehole and dick and balls like ENOUGH!! i actually think tumblr needs to do more to clear the site of porn lmao

[mlpoutofcontext]

[tennessoui]

mermay part two is posted 🌊

i am honestly so surprised that i posted this on the day i said i would. i have not been that accountable for an update in ages lol cause for celebration

but anyway part two is now up on my ko-fi!! i know i said part two would get into the romantic relationship of obi-wan and anakin, but that's going to actually be in part three (there will be a part three 🎉)

in this part, anakin fucks up. but good thing obi-wan is great at fixing his mistakes!

here's a little excerpt:

“You loved a human,” Obi-Wan says, cutting him off with a firm, wicked shake of his head. “I knew a child. We have both outgrown those people. All we are to each other now are strangers—” Anakin feels wild with his anger, sudden and heady as it is. “No,” he snarls, and he is moving forward, faster than he has ever moved in his life, and he is sinking his teeth—-his fangs—into the unprotected and vulnerable skin of Obi-Wan’s shoulder. Deep enough to bruise. Deep enough to bleed. Obi-Wan makes a terrible noise, something torn between a shriek and a whimper, and then there’s space between their bodies once more. Then Anakin’s teeth have released from his shoulder, his jaws no match for the powerful muscle of Obi-Wan’s fin as it slams into him, forcing him to pull away. Blood, thin red wisps of it, floats in the water above Obi-Wan’s shoulder. Both of them stare at it as the ocean dilutes the evidence of the injury and carries it away. The furious, possessive fire in Anakin’s chest flickers and cools. He can taste Obi-Wan’s blood in his mouth. The creature in his chest purrs. Mine. But Obi-Wan looks horrified, hand hovering over the bite mark. “Anakin,” he whispers in the human tongue. “What have you done?”

uh oh! guess you have to marry him now (no joke).

part three will be posted on may 31 to round off mermay <3 as a quick reminder, the gallery is set so that you have to be a monthly supporter to access the pictures there. the google doc links are in the description of each picture. if you'd be interested in reading them, i think it really is worth it at this point to subscribe and then cancel (or don't cancel! :D if you want). you'll have access for the whole month and can read all 11 posts there!

[kernsing]

Han Yuhyeon has always been aware of the words others call him.

Some names are more important than others.

[wizardofgoodfortune]

Rating: Mature Chapter: 10/?  Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Slow Burn, Single Parents, POV Alternating, Dream is a sculptor, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Bullying, Descriptions of Violence, Hob Has Anger Management Issues, Smoking, Drinking

“Hey professor,” Rose said. She held out her phone. “So um, have you seen this?”

Hob glanced behind her. A few of the other students, instead of rushing out to their next class, hung back and watched. “What is this?” Hob asked, finally looking at her phone.

It was a photo of him and Morpheus looking up at a fountain. And it wasn’t just any fountain; it was the fountain Morpheus made, located at the park mere minutes from their house.

Hob’s hands stilled. That couldn’t have been the only photo.

(read on ao3)

[cloud-the-forgotten]

"the Incident"? If you don't mind me asking, what do you mean by the Incident, Seam Dee?

(Text in the picture: "O-oh!")

(Text in the picture: "I should've known someone would catch that...")

"To be honest, I don't fully remember the Incident. I remember that it was how I realized I had the Mirror Ability, I remember being scared, and I remember... a figure."

"They had a sword, too. After that, everything gets all fuzzy. The next thing I knew, I was in a bed and Comet and Sol were standing above me wearing their torn up nightcaps, and my back was covered in bandages..."