#considering I'm hours and hours from any medical care lol

[eurofox]

I hate when I go to the bathroom and the world's most deadly snake is outside it.

[the-bad-batch-baroness]

Health Update

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out or commented on the latest installment of Where's Mommy? to wish me good health. I am so grateful for all of you 💚

However, the health issue I'm currently dealing with isn't due to a virus or bacteria, and there's a possibility it won't get better.

A little history.

Back in 2022, there was a two week period where I felt like my blood sugar was dropping, and I was very symptomatic. There was a moment where I slumped down a wall at work because of it, and they had to dump sugar packets from the break room into my mouth to rouse me. It was a very scary time.

After those two weeks, I went to my Primary Care Physician who ordered blood tests and had me purchase a glucometer to test my blood sugar several times a day. However, during the two weeks she had me do this, I never got a reading below 70, and the same symptoms did not develop as they did prior. My blood work came back clean, and without a reading lower than 70, my PCP dismissed it and told me I was having anxiety attacks, lol. She told me to come back if the symptoms came back, and they never did.

Backing up a couple more years.

Without revealing too much of my medical history, I have a chronic illness called POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome). It's a dysautonomia or a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system, the system that controls all of the automatic functions of the body. It was caused by my battle with Lyme Disease in 2010 and is currently incurable. I was diagnosed with POTS in 2018, after being told for 6 years that I had anxiety, lol.

POTS is not a very well-known illness, but it's getting more attention these days. It garners a host of different symptoms, including tachycardia, chronic fatigue, brain fog, orthostatic intolerance, migraines, gut issues, syncope, dehydration, blood pooling, etc. Everyone's POTS presents differently, and most people with a POTS diagnosis live on disability. I made the choice not to.

Fast forward to 2024.

Fast forward again to this past Wednesday.

Well, I finally was able to get a POTS specialist in my state this year. A huge win! When I had my initial consultation, I had mentioned the low blood sugar episodes in 2022 and asked if it could be related to POTS. The doctor told me that they don't see POTS patients having low blood sugar issues, but we're concerned enough to refer me to an endocrinologist. Another big win!

I had my consultation with the endocrinologist, and he ordered more blood tests, some of the same tests as before, and some different (y'all, they took like 20 vials from me). He also gave me a CGM (continuous glucose monitor) to wear for 14 days so they can track my highs and lows to see if they can catch anything.

Well, the next night, my blood sugar dropped below 70, 20 times, and 55, 9 times. Which means I was woken up 9 times throughout the night. I got only about 2 hours of sleep, and still had to go to work the next morning. But, once again, it went back up by itself without any intervention from me.

Y'all, it caught A LOT in just the first day, actually night. My blood sugar dropped below 70, 11 times, and below 55, 4 times while I was sleeping. Now, because anything below 55 is considered critical and could be fatal, there is an alarm that cannot be overridden and will sound. It sounds like a smoke alarm. So, I was awoken 4 times.

The odd thing is that my blood sugar dropped, then went back up on its own. I didn't eat or drink anything. Blood sugar doesn't really do that, so I thought it was odd. This also begs the question: If I'm asymptomatic at 53, then what level was I at in 2022 when I had symptoms? Honestly, I don't want to know.

Here is a nifty graph!

All of the red is considered low blood sugar, below 70, and anything close to that 50 line is considered critical low blood sugar. And again, I did not eat anything during the night.

There are four major anomalies with my low blood sugar occurences:

Most cases of hypoglycemia are seen in diabetics, I am not diabetic

Most cases of hypoglycemia seen in non-diabetics are sporadic, mine are consistent

Hypoglycemia is normally corrected by consuming sugar, mine auto-corrects

When blood sugar drops, it creates symptoms, I do not get symptoms

There are only a handful of things that can cause hypoglycemia in a non-diabetic and even less consistently at night time. The doctor has already ruled out insulinoma (insulin producing tumors in the pancreas), so that leaves even less, and also the good old "we don't know what's wrong with you".

I'm not going to lie. This whole thing terrifies me. There's no telling how long my blood sugar has been doing this, and it only takes one dip below 50 for me to slip into a coma and die in my sleep. Luckily, my blood sugar does this crazy autocorrect thing, and I haven't died yet! Humor makes this easier.

Right now, I'm emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. Adding this on top of my already difficult life with POTS has been hard to cope with, and I'm crying a lot.

Hopefully, I'll get results soon, and my endocrinologist can figure out why this is happening and how to manage/fix it if it can be managed/fixed. Maybe I've got a completely new illness, and you'll find me in a medical journal! Wouldn't that be something.

Anyway, thanks for the continued support. I have a lot of IRL support from friends and family, but while I go through this process, I may seem distant, my posting might be sporadic, I may not keep my fic posting schedule, etc. And when I have an update, I promise to let y'all know!

Much love 💚💚💚

Steph

[sodium-sillycate]

Some thoughts about ch2ep12. It's pretty long. Also spoilers ahead.

A bit surprised the episode was "only" 23 min long but I imho it's good we are warming up first before we get that one hour ep lol.

I love that they brought up Arei's body still swinging when the trio found her. Details really do matter in this fangan :)

About Ace not knowing how water evaporation works... Afaik starvation does negatively impact cognitive functions, just throwing that out there.

Nico really are one of the only usefull people in the room.

Arturo's little rant... First I'm really he glad continues to get more characterization and glimpses of his backstory. Not because I care about him but because he is finally an actual character (only took him until ch2 trial huh). Second I'm glad the series adresses it's weird to have a medical professional that young, especially a fking surgeon. And that he's highly specialized and doesn't know literally everything about medicine. I just think many other fangans would not bother with this. Third I think it's highly unsual for a 12 y/o to not just think about becoming plastic surgeon specifically but also to completelly dedicate himself to that goal. Idk I think there was something weird going on in Giles household.

For a second I was confused how Whit faceplanting into a wall would cause a dent like that but then I remembered that a lot of american buildings seem to be made of like... cardboard instead of bricks. Anyway RIP any theories surrounding that dent ig.

Whit: "I don't have an alibi in the morning. Neither does Charles." Okay but how do you know that lol. It's kind of weird for him speak for for Charles in this instance. (Ig this was because it flows better than to cut back to Charles.)

I bet Xanvid shippers were happy about this episode.

David: You didn't even know him well enough to tell when he was trying to stab you. Bruh that's so cold.

Anyway lot of the animosity between David and Teruko seems to stem from Xander? Not sure what implications this has for Teruvid lol.

David having memories of Xander... what does it mean...

David's little speach about the nature of the killing game as an entertainment meaning that "we are supposed to catch the killer, again and again, and participate in the trial after trial" makes me fell like Despair Time is going to deviate drastically from the typical danganronpa 6 trails formula at some point...

I was so ready for David to say that his goal was to kill Teruko. Although "stopping the killing game" and "killing Teruko" do seem to be related atm. Especially if the secret David recieved really does actually belong to her. I find it a bit funny that no one brought up "huh wait you are saying that you want to carry on Xander's ideals by ending the killing game but this secret says the killing is literally his fault?".

Hm probably controversial but I'm more interested in David and Hu arguing than David and Teruko arguing. Also I'm really hoping Hu has the hopeless child secret because it would make everything she says go even harder. I think this trial is so good for Hu's character.

Also Hu really said

David snapping at Whit made me laugh ngl.

One thing I certainly didn't miss was Ace accusing Nico and J accusing Arthuro. I mean it's not like they don't have reasons for it, but it does get repetitive and annoying. It happened only once this episode so that's fine, but I hope it won't happen every episode you feel me.

Hu yelling "Actually Nico has an alibi, we were together!!!" immediately after Ace accuses them is not credible to me sorry lol. I think that 2 person alibis should always be taken with a grain of salt, but especially considering their relationship it's worthless as an evidence lol.

Nico getting interrupted is a running theme and the fact that is has been pointed out again... Will Nico have a "standing up to Hu" moment later in the trial?

I'm a bit frustrated with the ending. Not because it is a cliffhanger, but because there could have been a pretty good segue into discussing HOW the murder happened instead of WHO did it since they currently don't have a good way to slim down the suspects list. Instead we are next time going to open with Levi's backstory (, maybe get Levi & Arei flashback), the other characters are gonna freak out about it (*cough* Ace *cough*) and Teruko/Charles will have to convince them to not immediately assume he murdered Arei too. Yea I think that's how we will spent most of the next episode. And don't get me wrong, I want Levi lore, it's just that we are almost 2 hours into the trial and we still know so little about the actual murder.

[ace930615]

IMPORTANT PLEASE READDDD

Hey guys, unfortunately I'm going to have to take a hiatus for awhile :-( a lot is going on in my personal life with school and work, and as of recently a few weeks back around Christmas my grandmother caught covid and it really knocked her down and made her extremely weak. She can't really walk anymore, needs oxygen, has bowel incontinence, and dementia. She was in the hospital until about a week ago and was going to be living with my family for the time being until we figured out exactly what my nana needs. I honestly dont know why they discharged her because ... man she was still really bad and they knew that she wouldn't have a nurse to come to our house yet! She was residing in my sisters room while my sister moved into our father's office. My sister and i were taking care of her full time for a week, which was extremely stressful. My sister and i had to make sure she was eating/drinking, cleaning up after her (changing her diaper) constantly changing her sheets and making sure she wasn't taking her catheter or diaper off because she kept doing it lmfao. My sister and i told our dad she absolutely needs more assistance than what my sister and i were providing her, we couldn't even get her properly clean like in the bath since she still had a catheter and could barely move we would have to wipe her down! She started to get sick again and we brought her back to the hospital (which she ended up falling and hitting her head). They tried to discharge her back to our house again but eventually my dad got them to discharge her to a nursing home. She's about an hour away, and might need to go to more of a facility/rehab rather than an elderly home because of how sick she is. It's not something we can exactly afford, its going to take whatever little money she gets by the government (since shes not working obviously) and whatever medical/insurance can cover. There really isnt any other choice, we dont have anyone in the family who can dedicated 100% of their time taking care of her (which would have probably been my mom but shes dead), even then my nana would probably still need a nurse constantly if she were to live at our house. My dad and i have been dealing with her insurance since some of it is in my name, and we found out she stopped paying her bills months ago. This isnt surprising considering how downhill she has gone, even before she was sick but my dad wouldnt listen to my sister and i who were still taking care of her weekly because she just got so weak while she still lived in her apartment (due to old age and a number of medical issues). My nana is also incredibly stubborn and did not want to move out of her apartment for as long as she could. She still thinks she can go back but obviously not. So its been really messy! Really messy and stressful and sad LOL. On top I am also having computer issues which is preventing me from saving any art I draw, which honestly im probably just going to have to get a new computer at this point. If you have commissioned me please reach out, I will also be sending messages when i can to my commissioners and we can further discuss it. I am open to refunds at this time! Unless you are willing to wait until i come back, which could be a few months. I absolutely cannot focus on art professionally right now due to these circumstances. I haven't felt this since my mom got sick and passed away in 2016 so it's really... taking a toll on me and my family. Im sorry if this post is a mess there is so much more to this situation and its so complicated i tried to just go over the most important stuff. Thank you guys again. I will be back soon!

[zhuzhudushu]

I just read your navigation page thing and was just curious about what it’s like to be a speech pathologist? I’m in college and was looking at jobs to do with language and this came up. I wasn’t sure about it at first but now I’m considering.

Ahh! Yes I can talk about my field forever lol.

I will say it is SUPER different depending on which area of specialty you're looking into. I don't know what you know of the field but you can work with children or adults, from infancy all the way through elderly. I've worked with <24 hours old infant to my oldest patient who was 106.

You can work in nursing homes, hospitals, outpatient rehab, inpatient rehab, acute care, private practice, ENT or audiology clinics, NICUs (infant intensive care unit), school systems (K-12), and preschool/daycares.

In case you want to know: schools pay the worst (bc summers off are unpaid), nursing homes and PRN medical positions (meaning "as needed" - part time & no benefits) pay the most.

So... that's a lot. We do way more than literally anyone is aware of, even other healthcare workers.

All that to say, my experience is not necessarily the same as a speech therapist working in another setting.

I'm currently working in a small hospital, in both acute care with adults, and outpatient with kids. I like it, and actually just got a better job that's full-time outpatient with kids starting next month. I work with everything from children with autism, speech delays, articulation disorders, cerebral palsy, down's syndrome, etc. in outpatient, to strokes, brain injuries, dementia, covid/respiratory concerns, post-ventilator, head & neck cancer, or really any diagnosis in acute care.

So.. it's a lot lol. I really like my job. It's a lot of hard work, and grad school sucks ass. But with my new job I start next month, I will make enough money to live alone in my own apartment independently and still save some money. It's not a perfect field (it's literally 95% white women nationwide so... keep that in mind) and there's actually a lot of prejudice and ableism, but I hope to part of the change to fix it. It's a financially stable career, and a desperately needed career. If you love language/linguistics and want to help people, I would highly recommend it!

If you want language specifically (meaning you would be working more with language than speech/swallowing) then you're probably going to want either kids with language delays, which can be found in any pediatric setting, OR adult outpatient or inpatient rehab, where language-based and cognitive-based therapy is the most common.

I am always open to speech questions!! If you'd like me to expand/clarify anything I mentioned here (I tried not to use too much medical jargon but lol) or something else entirely let me know. Since I work with kids and adults everyday I'm a very general practitioner ;D

[1zashreena1]

What do you consider growing up middle class?

I am going to answer as honestly and sincerely as I can based on my own experience

If your parents told you to just focus on your studies instead of get a job because they need your help to pay the electric bill

If you were ever gifted a car of any age/maintenance state

If college was a given assumption and not a silly kid pipedream

If you had an icemaker, central air, and washer-dryer

If you didn't use every last edible centimeter of fruits and vegetables

If you paid someone else to clean your house

If you could get new glasses AND see the dentist in the same year

If ordering pizza was a routine event rather than a special occasion

If your back to school shopping consisted of completely new clothing

If you had hobbies that cost money or required your parents to invest time and effort (like traveling to tournaments or getting you specific gear/equipment)

You took a family vacation more then twice growing up and those vacations weren't just visiting extended family a little ways away because staying with them is free

You went on a class/school trip

You flew anywhere as a child

You had a passport

Your parents didn't hoard extra prescription meds so that the next time you got sick you could just take the leftovers and not require paying for another round of Dr visit and pharmacy costs

You had more than 1 bathroom in your home

You were allowed to pick something out every time you went grocery shopping

You didn't really worry about how you were perceived when walking into stores/restaurants because you weren't desperately hoping that no one could tell your financial status from the state of your clothes

You didn't have to learn how to run a household by 16 because you had parents who could afford to be home and awake to do that for you

Your only hope of escaping your hometown and breaking free wasn't selling your entire existence to a deeply disturbing national war machine by enlisting in the military or similarly selling yourself by marrying rich

The best paying jobs available weren't physically damaging or dangerous (like how I destroyed my back unloading trucks because it paid way more than cashiering or waiting tables or how I knew multiple people doing construction at the risk of severe accidents or corrections to get paid more while risking violence)

You could afford to take time out/off when sick, whether it be the flu or full on depression

I'm sure I could think of more but just some things off the top of my head. Please remember that my experiences are directly related to the specific area/culture/time period in which I grew up and are not universal. Do not come for my parents who were doing the best they could with what they had, understand that me working to help pay the bills was while they were working 2 jobs and 70 hours a week simultaneously, they were not abusing me in this regard, it was just our reality. Also, on that last point, I am not shaming people that can't or don't work for whatever reason, I am stating that the option of recuperating in peace was simply not available to me, and I was previously diagnosed with major depression, have attempted suicide multiple times, and am now known auDHD with pmdd. So I understand the need but could never have it (and yes this has resulted in huuuuge life problems for me).

I am lower middle class now at 38 because I was able to put myself back thru school twice while still working and "married above my social station" (lol) and my partner has been able to take care of me in ways I considered as fairy tale movie stuff (like pay for my health insurance so I could get cancer treatment). I could not have done so without them. So I get it. I do take time off now, I do have a passport and take international vacations, I do get my glasses AND contacts at the same time, I do buy myself new clothes and even expensive purses, I do get necessary medical care. Yes I am still a little bitter and I do have permanent damage/issues from this stuff. And don't get me wrong, I had a lot of privilege in other ways and I know it. But what I came from is part of who I am and that's just reality.

Here, have cat rewards for making it to the end

[marcelinesghost13]

Well blog I got nothing but bad news. Unfortunately my dad is back in the Hospital. Some mystery Woman found him on the floor unconscious. My wife believes that it is my dad's new lover or girlfriend. I did call the nursing staff company about this woman. They told me that they did have a nurse's aid that did like my dad and was no longer with them. They believe maybe she is one that found my dad and called the emergency number to get him help. Well in any case whoever this person is that helped my dad I do greatly appreciate what they did for my dad.

At first I was pissed at my dad for ending up in the hospital again. The only reason why this happens all the time is because he's unwilling to take his medication and allow the nurses aids to help him. Then after talking to the nurse's AIDS manager I found out that a lot of nurses AIDS just kind of back down from my dad because he can be aggressive. So they leave because they don't want to deal with his attitude or my dad sends them away. So with that behavior for my father it doesn't surprise me that something like this happened. That's the part that I'm pissed about is that there's someone there besides myself helping him and he doesn't take the help.

I did go to the hospital with my wife to see if he was doing okay but the 3 hours that we were there he was just asleep. So we told the nurse that will be back in the morning. They were supposed to do some tests on him but I never saw them do anything. We tried to talk to the doctor about what was going on and she just blew me off and told me to go find someone else to talk to you. So I really don't know much from going to the hospital of like what's exactly wrong with my dad. I'm hoping when I go this morning to check on him that I'll have some more clear answers of what exactly is going on.

Then there's this that I want to address my wife is beyond pissed off at my father for having a mistress we'll just call her that. I don't really understand why. If the man wants to fuck some chick let him I don't really care it's not a big deal. My wife has this serious like hatred towards sex I have no idea of why. Even with us she just has this thing where she hates sex. She thinks a lot of it is just perverted and nesting and gross. I understand growing up as a child she was raised Roman Catholic and her parents didn't have sex they had separate bedrooms. Plus growing up as a child the topic was never really brought up and when it was it was considered blasphemy. So she has all these ideas about being sexually expressive as being a bad thing. I think deep down inside she has a very strong sexual desire but she keeps that whole locked up maybe. She hates the fact that I am so sexually expressive and that I let her know that it's okay to let everybody know that you like sex. I don't see a problem with it. Unfortunately she does and she will always be a bit of a prude when it comes to your sex. She lets me know that I am a bit of a pervert because I like to celebrate the human body. The thing is I don't look at people in a sexual light in any way whatsoever she doesn't understand that. She doesn't understand that seeing a naked person's body does absolutely nothing for me. I am trying to explain to her on numerous vacations that I'm demisexual and that intelligence is actually what turns me on and I find sexy. I've also explained to her that scene a naked body I see it more as a piece of art more than anything and some people's bodies are very beautiful some bodies are not so great. all in all we are just humans trying to get laid LoL because that is our human nature. She has no understanding or concept of that idea and she just thinks everybody wants to fuck each other and it's disgusting. I'll write a blog later about this whole topic with my wife and sex I've mentioned different things throughout my time period about her and her ideas which I've mentioned in numerous blogs.

080120240743

[purplesurveys]

1787

Do you think you could handle a job in the medical field? Why or why not? I considered it once mainly because learning about the human body was always fascinating to me, but I realized that was all there is it - I just like reading about it. Emergency situations are 100% going to send me into a panic, and I'm not so much a fan of the hours either.

Would you rather edit photos on your phone or computer? Phone because there are loads of apps that can hand-hold your way through editing. I tried Photoshop on my laptop for a few months as a teenager but we just don't make a good pair.

What is one electronic device you own that you have not used in a long time? The very first iPad. It's actually my mom's, but my siblings and I ended up using it the most. I brought it back to life briefly in college when my old phone died on me and we couldn't really allot some money yet to get me a new one.

What is one thing you are currently behind on? Cleaning out my bag.

When was the last time you wore a dress or a skirt? I wore my flowy white dress for work a few weeks ago.

When was the last time you had a migraine? Same, it was a couple of weeks ago I think. I was coming back to work after a long weekend and I guess my head hadn't fully adjusted yet that day. I was fully nauseated by like 2 PM and had to power through for the rest of the afternoon.

What is your favorite thing about Instagram? The reels, which is also how I know I'm getting older what with the younger crowds preferring Tiktok LOL. I like how the interface for reels is able to account for all my interests, so I can get a wrestling video first then have it be a BTS video next. With Tiktok you only get one feed and it's always a mix of your algorithm plus whatever Tiktok wants to show you, so I always find myself ending up scrolling through and ignoring everything and just closing the app altogether.

When was the last time you wore a flower in your hair? Maybe in like 2016 when flower crowns were in?

List three words to describe yourself using the first letter of your middle name. Inquisitive, impatient, (sometimes) indifferent.

Have you ever had a friend with the same middle name as you? No, not with a friend; but in general I've noticed it's a lot more common as a first name. I don't get to meet a lot of people with Isabelle as a second name, and especially with the same spelling.

What color was your locker in high school? It was blue for a couple of years but I also remember having gray and white ones.

How many framed pictures of you and a family member or friend can you see from where you're sitting right now? No, I don't keep any in my room.

What is the first thing you think of when you see the rainbow emoji? 🌈? Either simply the rainbow, or the LGBT flag.

When was the last time you got a new pair of glasses? My birthday. I needed to get a new prescription anyway but because it was my birthday I went for the eyeglasses that would be double the price because it was an official BT21 collaboration/endorsement, lol.

Do you prefer to play chess or checkers? Checkers. I have a vague understanding of the game. I never learned how to play chess, no matter how often I've asked my cousins to help me.

What color was your first cell phone? I think the phone itself was gray, but it came in a red Winnie the Pooh case from the moment I received it s I've always known it to be red.

Do you remember when smartphones were a new thing that had just come out, and only rich people had them? Kind of. I was around 9 when the first iPhone came out and didn't care for gadgets for the most part, until I saw a schoolmate whip out hers and people were fawning over it and that's when I realized it was apparently a big deal. I found it bizarre because it wasn't even just an everyday rich kid thing, it was a completely filthy filthy 1% rich spoiled kid thing since even after months, it was still only a handful of people who had it at the time.

If you could choose to have been born in a different month, which month would you choose to be born in, and why? I'm perfectly fine with April. Based from the people I know, it's a relatively uncommon month for birthdays, and I like that.

….and which month were you actually born in? I was born in April.

Does your first name rhyme with anything? (If so, what?) Noggin? Hahaha.

Have you ever met anyone who didn't like the color blue? Not that I know of.

What color was the last pill you took? A lighter shade of lime.

How often do you use emojis? Pretty often. I tend to use them when I'm being super expressive or emotional in a post or message.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Friday.

How many E's are in your full name? Three.

What is the first letter of the name of the street you grew up on? Nope.

Which decade were you born in? Towards the end of the 90s. Late enough that I have virtually no memories of the decade.

Who was the last friend of yours to have a birthday? It was Jaynie's birthday yesterday.

Are you looking forward to your next birthday? Why or why not? 🥳 I'm always excited for and make a big deal out of my birthdays. Idk, it's the one time in the year I get to have things my way so I like celebrating it. That, and because growing up my birthdays were for the most part just an ordinary day and I'm desperately trying to make up for those years.

When was the last time you blew up a balloon? October 2022. I bought balloons for when I went all out for my watch party of BTS' Busan concert and had friends over.

If you had to go an entire week without using any technology, what do you think you would spend most of your time doing instead? Go back to painting and coloring and trying new, farther-away restaurants. Restyling my room doesn't sound like a bad idea too.

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "mast"? Boats.

Where is the weirdest place you've ever slept? At the Metrowalk parking lot.

Would you rather travel to Asia or France? There are still so many places in Asia I'd love to visit.

What is something new that you've learned recently, that you didn't know before? My dad taught me how to start my car if it refuses to.

[peknie]

CAT Car (2)

Full story; AO3, WATTPAD Tumblr parts; 1, 2

Summary;

Tommy is an invisible attendant on the Cross-Atlantic Train Carriage- also know as the CAT Car. It was a train that ran across the Atlantic Ocean, making headlines before it was even built. He's only there for the money, but it seems he's not the only one. Suspicious guests aboard its first trip accidentally reveal secrets to their invisible attendant that he can't get out of his head. A detective, a thief, an actor, a billionaire, two attendants and their boss walk into a train carriage... And not all of them will walk out when the journey ends.

Playlist:

CAT Car - Spotify

Notes:

This took way too long to update- sorry! I often work 9 hours as a toddler teacher, so it's hard to get time in lol! Anyway, I'm not a very good artist & its heavily stylized so just skip over the images if you don't like em :]

Comfort in Torment

     The day came to go back to the station. Tommy had 'borrowed' some clothing from a store nearby, quite liking the white and red shirts he took. They were all the same, meaning he'd be wearing the same shirt daily, but who would see? Ranboo-b? Tommy scoffed at the idea of caring what all Ranboo had to think about his style.

     Ranboo Beloved. Tommy felt an inkling of guilt over being so harsh in his head, especially considering how Ranboo helped him find a place to stay. Out of pity, though- so he didn't feel too bad.

      "Beloved is such a pretentious last name," Tommy murmured as he approached the station. The other attendants stood around, waiting quietly for Mr. Warden to arrive. 

      Ranboo stood out easily now that Tommy had noticed him. They caught Tommy's eye, waving slightly. Tommy nodded and looked away, opting to stand on the other side of the room.

      When Mr. Warden did enter the station, he smiled at the attendants. "I'm glad to see you've all made it! Follow me, and I'll lead you all on a tour. Once you've seen your designated area, you can settle into your cabins and relax until tomorrow." He made his way to the side door, motioning them all to follow him to the back of the train.

     The end of the train cart was simple. Colorful lining crowned the ceiling, and the seats were a bright yellow. Mr. Warden told the attendants that this was where the reporters would be, that the attendants working there- Aimsey and Guqqie- would need to make sure they would leave five-star reviews. 

     The common areas that separated different sleeping areas and types of people were all decorated in different colors and styles. There was another area, closer to the front, designated to medical professionals and experts of all kinds. 

     Experts that could come in handy in case of emergency.

     By the time they reached Tommy and Ranboo's section, everyone else had begun to settle into their cabins. Mr. Warden turned to face them in the common area. Tommy's eyes swiftly took in this cart's decor, catching on a series of portraits.

     There were no seats in this part, but there were old-timey, western style portraits of people. Tommy only recognized one. It was the billionaire Shelby Grace. She was well-known for being born into wealth and using it in a humanitarian way. Tommy only knew of her because she'd funded one of the homeless shelters he had stayed in. The others, though, were lost on him.

     "This is only half of this group's common area. There's a bar here, and whichever one of you will be in here will be behind the bar. Neither of you will be allowed to drink, but you have full access to any food we serve." Mr. Warden looked to where Tommy was staring, humming. "Oh, those will be the passengers you look after. They're either incredibly rich or incredibly famous. Here, my favorite is Techno Blade- a very mysterious figure in high society. Maybe he's my favorite because of his name, though."

     Both Tommy and Ranboo said nothing, and Sam Warden smiled. "I'm aware that I've said being quiet is a part of this job, but you've already proven you can be. You're allowed to speak, you know."

     Tommy's lips quirked into a nervous grin. "Wasn't sure if this was the final test or something."

     As much as he was sure he'd already gotten the job, his heart beat faster as he waited for Mr. Warden's eyes to narrow. He only nodded, though. "That's a fair assumption. I promise you that you don't need to worry about that." Gesturing to the portraits, Mr. Warden continued, "Any you two recognize?"

     Tommy shrugged loosely. "I've heard of Shelby Grace. She sponsored-" Tommy paused, wondering if he should mention his bouts of homelessness. "-She sponsored a workplace of mine. A homeless shelter."

     "Really?" Mr. Warden's brows knit together. "I don't remember seeing that in your work history. You worked at a shelter?"

      "I didn't put it down because it was volunteer work, is all." Tommy avoided his boss' eyes, staring intently at the portraits.

     "I recognize him," Ranboo spoke lowly, scaring the absolute shit out of Tommy, who had forgotten they were there. "Schlatt. And his son. A few papers away from him, that's Schlatt's son, isn't it?"

     "President of Snowchester." Mr. Warden smiled and nodded. "The city in Greenland we'll be going to. I invited him, and he surprisingly accepted. His son's coming too, of course. You've done your research, I suppose?"

      Ranboo shrugged. "A little, but I know about Schlatt because I used to live in Snowchester."

     "Oh?" Mr. Warden seemed pleasantly surprised. "Then we have some first-hand experience with some of our guests. I suppose this means I placed you two well." Leading them into the next cart, he stopped in the seating area. "I expect you to treat all our guests the same, though."

     Tommy and Ranboo nodded, deciding to take an interest in the Western-style, dull couches and booth seats. There was a variety of decorations that fed into the theme, the color orange appeared more often than not.

      Next, they were led past the passenger cabins to their own, a shared room with beds across from one another. Tommy set his small bag at the food of the window bed, not giving Ranboo a chance to choose. Mr. Warden laughed. "Alright, well, you two get ready. Tomorrow, I'll drop off a full supply of the invisibility serums before boarding at twelve."

      Tommy sat on the bed he'd claimed, Ranboo raising a brow. "What if I wanted the window bed?"

     "Then you should've been faster," Tommy mumbled. Ranboo laughed, shaking his head and putting his suitcase on the other bed. 

     It was silent- sans the shuffling of Ranboo unloading their things- as Tommy looked around the cabin. The decor was similarly Western, though the trim of the ceiling was colored a rainbow of every main color of the other compartments and common areas. Tommy hummed in approval, liking the look, but it left him cold as he realized how dull they all seemed. He knew, logically, that the colors were bright- loud- but it felt muffled to him. 

     Tommy flopped onto his back, staring pointedly at the blank ceiling. Ranboo looked at him after a while. "You okay?"

     "Of fuckin' course I am," Tommy scoffed, crossing his arms dramatically.

     Ranboo shook their head and sighed to themself, waving Tommy off. After a second of Ranboo unpacking his clothes, he gave in and asked.

     "What is your problem with me? What did I do to you?"

     Tommy looked over from his spot on the bed, trying to forget about the colored trimming.

     Tommy's face scrunched when he saw how close to the top of the door Ranboo was. "You're freakishly tall," Tommy decided with a huff. "It's distracting."

     Ranboo blanked. "Are you kidding me?" Their voice was higher now, making Tommy stifle a slight smile. "That's your problem with me? I'm tall?"

     Tommy looked at the ceiling again. "I said what I said."

     Refusing to talk to such a petty person, the two ignored one another for the rest of the day- aside from the occasional insult. It wasn't overly malicious, just poking fun at one another occasionally. Usually about height.

     By the end of the day, there were two post-its on the wall by the door, measuring their height. Tommy had marked Ranboo's height as 'freakishly tall,' and Ranboo had written him as 'the size of a gremlin.' 

      They went to bed a bit more comfortable with one another's presence, despite the insults and arguments. 

     The next morning they awoke to a knock on their door. Mr. Warden came in with a case, a cart behind him carrying more. He set it down by the shared dresser. "These are the serums, be sure to lock the case when you're not taking something out or putting it back in." 

       "Thank you, Mr. Warden." Ranboo nodded to him. Mr. Warden's eyes narrowed in distaste. 

      "Please, call me Sam."

      Tommy cringed. Mr. Warden was his boss. Calling him by his first name would be strange. Ranboo apologized, "Sorry, Mister- uh- Sam."

      Mr. Warden chuckled and walked away. "Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. Remember, boarding is at noon, so be sure to take the serums just before everyone boards. I'm sure you'll do great."

      Ranboo stood up as the door closed, opening the case. They observed the serums, picking one up and turning it over in their hands. "Do you want to bartend, or should I?"

      "I mean, who even's going to drink on the first day? Sounds boring, is all."

      Wincing, Ranboo shrugged. "You never know, rich and famous? They can drink anytime." He laughed, tone dry and humorless. 

      "That's true."

      "How about we switch off every day?" Ranboo handed a serum to Tommy. Tommy's brows furrowed. "We should probably stick to a cart for the ride."

      "Why's that?"

      "Have you ever worked in a bar?" Tommy asked as though the reason was obvious. Ranboo tilted their head, fingers awkwardly messing with a lock of their hair. "Uh... No? Have you?"

       "... No," Tommy said, looking away- like a liar. "I just mean that people sometimes ask for their usuals. If we switch it'll be obvious we don't know their usuals."

      "Dang." Ranboo sighed, taking a minute to speak again, "I'll do the bar portion, then."

      "Are you sure?" Tommy asked, despite having argued with Ranboo for a while. Tommy had bartended before, and with his experience, he wouldn't be upset about it.

      Ranboo's eyes darkened. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd rather do that, anyway."

      Deciding not to ask, Tommy shrugged and tucked the serum in his pocket. The two waited, Ranboo heading back to his bed after inspecting most of the vials.

     Ranboo got on his phone, Tommy opting to doodle in his notebook. There was no wifi or reception on the train, so Tommy assumed he was playing Candy Crush or something else lame that lame people do.

     When the time rolled around, Tommy and Ranboo picked up their serums. As Tommy took it, he relished the way the colors brightened again. The colorful trim of the room became a vivid hue, purple shining around Ranboo's figure. Looking at his hands, Tommy saw a flow of colors run over him. Like watching the sky through the air above a grill, his limbs distorted the room.

      "Is Sam sure nobody will see us?" Ranboo asked, flexing their hands. Tommy had to squint to see any details of their face. "I mean, if they do, it's not like it's our fault."

      "Fair, I guess." Ranboo rummaged in the case, pulling out a slip of paper and holding up a purple vial. "So, half of the serums are for reversing the invisibility- for when we get back to the cabins at lights-out. There's also a limit, so we'll have to take another around mid-day every day from here on out. You got pockets?"

      Tommy hummed, nodding as he walked over to read over the paper. He slyly slipped a purple vial into his pocket, despite not needing to hide the fact he took it. As he held it, it turned a transparent color, like that of himself. Turning to the door to head to the compartments, he rammed into Ranboo, both of them reeling back.

     Instead of apologizing, Tommy scoffed loudly, "Ugh- out of the way, tall-ass."

      Ranboo chuckled, muttering under his breath.

      "What was that?" Tommy asked, adding in a "Bitch?"

      "I said- I didn't see you. Guess I wasn't looking down far enough." They made gestures with their hands to indicate Tommy as short. Huffing and puffing, Tommy crossed his arms and stomped across the room, storming out of the compartment and cursing on the way to fake a strong rage.

      While Ranboo moved past him to the bar section, he gathered his thoughts and readied himself for a steady flow of passengers.

       As the clock struck twelve, the sound of doors opening caused a low hum through the train.

[primalspice]

Ivy - 🎮, 🎶, 🔶, 🚫, 💯, 🎄 , 🍎, 💘, 🍸, 😊, 🤔, 😓, 👨,

🩺

🎮 VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER — what are three of your oc's favorite hobbies?

She really hasnt had time for hobbies in a long time but she likes reading and gardening and stress journaling

🎶 MUSICAL NOTES — what type of music does your oc like? do they listen to music very often?

I'm not going to say she's also a prog fan but im also not going to say she isnt.................... sorry idk wtf else is going on in the 60s-70s

🔶 LARGE ORANGE DIAMOND — does your oc know cpr? do they have any other medical expertise?

To both, of course. She can do cpr, first aid, plenty of other Doctor Things. Specifics of her medical expertise is that shes a medical oncologist but does radiation therapy also. has participated in Tumor Boards. has participated in research and experimental treatment distribution. and is now stuck in region zero with shitty supplies and unfair working conditions and depression. Great.

🚫 PROHIBITED — does your oc drink/smoke? do they do it regularly, or is it more on occasion or for special events?

On special occasions she'll drink, she's never the type to get super crazy with it unless its insane coping hour tho really. Cursed to always be the designated driver if it's a going-out occasion anyway -__-

💯 HUNDRED POINTS SYMBOL — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

1. YES she owned a gun for self defense. obtained from commies more willing to resort to violence than anyone in her immediate company at the time being. She eventually told Leslie about it, but not selma. one of the few secrets successfully kept between any portion of those three.

2. Faust gets to be named after irrelevant german folklore so so does she. her middle name is Lorelei.

3. Unlike her brother she is horribly afraid of public speaking. Research presentations or like. the entire process of moving to Region Zero even tho it wasnt particularly public (just stating her case to a bunch of new people all the fucking time) is all a fucking nightmare for her. But she perseveres <3

🎄 CHRISTMAS TREE — what is your oc's favorite holiday?

Her birthday, if that counts. Fuck the other guy who was born on that day tho.

🍎 RED APPLE — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

She and that other guy were born and raised in London Ontario and lived there most of their lives up until college. Ivy went to college in Toronto and continued to live and work there up until Region Zero. As for how she feels about it.... pretty indifferent? Shes of course homesick about it once shes stuck in Region Zero, but while she lived there i think she kinda felt she outgrew it. she didnt, really, but no point in worrying about that anymore <3

💘 HEART WITH ARROW — what and/or who do(es) your oc consider the most important to them?

Shes more individualistic than she comes off/than is expected of her by her Friends but Selma and Leslie are still her besties and still important to her people-wise. Faust too to some degree but ITS COMPLICATED. She liked him more before he sold out -__-

As for other things she finds important, she kinda has Faust's aforementioned disease to where she really feels the need to succeed and mean something to the world, but i mean shes kinda doing a good thing so ??????? she really Does care about helping people it's not entirely selfish, but i think anyone who has such high ambitions is a LITTLE attention-seeking. That doesn't really answer the question tho. What she cares about is healing people LOL towards the End she really struggled to find much purpose at all but generally speaking thats a priority, even if its unrealistic to do it on as large of a scale as she'd wish.

🍸 COCKTAIL GLASS — what is your oc's favorite alcoholic drink, if they can drink?

I think she likes to keep it classy with a wine/champagne situation but i think she should drink more and be less picky, god knows she needs it.

😊 SMILING FACE WITH SMILING EYES — what are your oc's career/general life desires? what do they want to get the most out of life?

She wants to be someone who helps people and helps the world. She wants to be an activist and leader in her profession and she wants to be remembered that way even after she's dead (before dying was an immediate concern, anyway) and she hopes its not selfish to hope for such a thing. SOMEONES gotta do it. It's not shocking that she was the perfect Region Zero candidate, tho, as someone who attaches so much of her worth and being to her career. but being a doctor is more than just a career, right, its PERSONAL. Shes someone who just wants to do the right thing, but if theres two things shes learned its that there never is a right thing and the closest thing to the right thing will never be enough.

🤔 THINKING FACE — what are some of your oc's quirks/mannerisms?

Shes a very quiet/shy/softspoken person in comparison to her obnoxious friends, regardless of her level of unhingedness over the years. She is often caught lost in thought and people think shes really introspective which i suppose is true but its mostly just the depression. She is very accidentally and/or deadpan funny. She suffers from a Canadian accent.

😓 DOWNCAST FACE WITH SWEAT — is your oc open-minded or stubborn? are they inquisitive or do they prefer to keep to their bubble of knowledge?

She's openminded and inquisitive, maybe a little too much for her own good clearly, but she can stick to things that actually mean something to her....except maybe cutting of her shitty brother.....or not using guns.....but that's besides the point. She loves learning and going to new places and hearing different experiences. One might say region zero was the perfect opportunity for that at least <3

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 FAMILY WITH MOTHER, FATHER, SON AND DAUGHTER — how many people are in your oc's immediate family? how many people are in your oc's extended family? do they have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc? who in their family are they closest with? are they close with their birth family, or do they have a found family?

She grew up with her mom and dad and Faust, who's her only sibling. They were quite spoiled and loved ofc. Im sure they have some grandmas and cousins and such that were also relatively close, but not like her best friends or anything. I think she eventually grew real distant from just about everyone once she started becoming more intense about her work, but the love was still there. when she (and faust) left for region zero, they were rightfully quite concerned but figure that if the Good Twin chose to do it then it couldnt have been too awful of a decision. Oh little did they know.

[amgeryporcupine]

Hi :)

This is for that one anon whose request I've mistaken for something else.

Hmm where do I start? Honestly, this whole TobiMada family thing that I thought of first came out to be angsty lol.

Like how Tobirama and Madara get together, or how it's possible for Madara to get preggo (not a/b/o). The original back story I had in mind can be defined as "it gets worse before it gets better".

But enough of that- let's just say they both lived happily ever after with many kids.

Please know that I'm poop with names so I just reused a bunch.

1st born - Quadruplets

Izuna (1st) was named after his late uncle. He is the Uchiha clan heir and the biggest troll Konoha has ever seen. He is also Itama's shoulder to cry/whine on. He may act carefree but he is the best when handling diplomatic missions.

Kawarama (2nd) is very much a grump, short-tempered, and has the issue of people standing behind him. He also happens to be a sensor as strong as his dad but would often get overwhelmed so his brothers are always there for him in case it gets too much. He is very protective of his siblings but he can be overbearing sometimes.

Itama (3rd) is a moody crybaby. He's like the combination of his uncle Hashi and his late uncle Itama. He loves to annoy his brother Kawarama for the sole reason of: "it's because Kawa-Chan makes funny faces when he's mad" even if he gets hit in the head and loses a few brain cells. He is also very well-loved by the people of Konoha as his character and behavior remind them of their previous Hokage (Hashirama). He is also expected to be the 3rd Hokage when Tobirama retires from the position.

Sousuke (4th) loves playing with fire. No words can describe the number of forest fires he's caused or the small villages he accidentally burned down. He's a pretty chill guy and very very straightforward with his words. He is socially awkward but he tries his best. He is considered a good team leader and would often be sent on S-rank missions, even if he prefers to do it alone. Some would say that his strength and thirst for a good fight came from his mother (they're not wrong tho).

2nd born - Triplets

Satsuki (1st) has a very poised and dignified persona. She loves dressing up in expensive kimonos with intricate designs. She doesn't listen to anyone's bs unless they wish for a painful death by drowning. She has received many suitors from different clans but none fit her high standards (Tobirama's practically leaping with joy as his daughter will stay as his princess forever. Or so he thought). She is also an Iryo-nin along with her two sisters.

Makoto (2nd) is a perfectionist. She is also a clean freak and practically tidies up any mess her sisters make. She loves to read books let be they novels, or medical texts. She's not one to dress as fancy as Satsuki but she'll let herself be dressed up like a doll as long as her sisters won't bother her for the next hour. Most of the time oblivious when someone is interested in courting her. She has a history of "accidentally" sending her suitors to a friend zone.

Nagisa (3rd) is very energetic and adventurous. Not disgusted with handling anything, even bugs (for which Satsuki and Makoto would lose their vocal cords). She loves trying out new things and would often encourage her sisters to join her in it. She is also the mediator when her sisters bicker too much. Has been in many relationships before but it doesn't last because her partners couldn't keep up with her. (her dad and older brothers take very much care of her exes, and the twins are glad to have another to add to their collection).

3rd born - Twins

Hikaru (1st) and Kaoru (2nd) are two peas in a pod. They won't do anything without each other. Are born prodigies and have made many of their own jutsus. Unintentionally handling S-rank missions (only because of how often they get the unfortunate chance of being dragged into one) leads to gaining Jonin-rank at a young age. They dissect (animals) to study the organ system, skeletal structure, find the cause of death, etc. They received a human cadaver on their 10th birthday after presenting the things they've studied through years of dissecting and the council found it beneficial to give them the chance in order to contribute to the greater good of medicine.

4th born

Harumi is the epitome of sunshine and rainbows. It would take a lot of convincing for people outside Konoha to believe that this little girl is a spawn of Senju Tobirama and Uchiha Madara. She has mastered the deadly "puppy dog eyes" and has made uncle Hashi her favorite victim. She was a surprise to the family. Madara never thought that he'd conceive again with his age, but nonetheless, he and his husband were ecstatic to meet their youngest. Tobirama would drop everything he was doing if his little Harumi ever requested to be carried. Harumi got called "Hime" as a joke at first but the Senju and Uchiha both agreed that she is indeed a "Hime" and nothing would change that.

Wips related to this au

The whole family goes to the beach but in a modern setting, the quads as babies, and all 10 of them in one photo.

There's another fanart of this au in my old account @angeryporcupine

[sublimecatgalaxy]

Hey girlie!

Any recommendations for nursing essentials? I've scrolled through Amazon and Etsy like a million times lol!

I have a stethoscope, pen lights with batteries and a new calculator! Anything else you recommend?

💕

OHHHH MY GOD YOU'RE KIDDING?? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT OKAY OKAY OKAY. THIS TOOK ME SO LONG BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Below I'll make a list of everything that I got that was mandatory by the school to get and I'll give descriptions:

Face Masks Black Disposable 100PCS for Men & Women Adults Breathable Face Mask Brand HUEZOE. This is important for clinicals obviously and given the state of the viruses and bacteria going around in the world, I'm staying as safe as I can lol.

Reebok womens Walk Ultra 7 Dmx Max. These are amazing, I've already tested them out and they're genuinely so easy to walk in and I have super flat feet and a lot of pain because of arthritis.

Airanes Anti Fog Safety Glasses. These were mandatory on my end for my school and I looked for hours, sifting through reviews and I tried them on and they're super cute.

MDF® Acoustica® Deluxe Lightweight Dual Head Stethoscope. THESE ARE SO COMFORTABLE. I love them and I've been using them and testing them out with Justin and my mom, it's also a very justifiable price.

Prestige Medical Adult Premium Aneroid Sphygmomanometer. This is so cute and I'm hoping to really make it a conversation piece with elderly and kiddos.

Utopia Care Medical and Nursing Lister Bandage Scissors. These were required by the school and these are very comfortable to hold and your hand doesn't cramp up at all.

Waterproof Horizontal ID Badge Holder. These were required and so were the stationary clips they come with. We're not allowed to have retractable ones since people like the elderly and kids will pull on it.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Here, I'll make a list of everything that I got just for fun:

4Pcs Headbands with Buttons Face mask for Nurse. This I got because I have bangs and hate when hair gets in my face. I think it'll be useful in all environments; lab, lecture and clinicals.

Lion Latch. This I got because I wear some jewelry and I don't want to lose anything when in lab and clinicals.

Peppermint oil. THIS IS A MUST. I don't know if you've smelled the smells that come out of hospitals and patients, it's insane. So I'm gonna take this peppermint oil and put it between two masks when I know I'm going into a stinky case.

Opoway Stethoscope Carrying Case. This I got to keep my stethoscope and blood pressure cuff safe since I'll have a lot of things in my bag at all times.

Hongri Clipboard. This is just a must considering we'll be walking and standing a lot in lab and clinicals. It's really sturdy.

Office Supplies Divider Sticky Notes. These are amazing to pop in and out of text books.

On top of that, I got a really nice planner, pens and highlighters and pencils, a huge three ring binder with 36 dividers, 2 pairs of scrubs from my college bookstore.

I'm still hoping to get a book bag and a new lunchbox.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Recommendations:

So, nurseinthemaking on etsy is AMAZING. She sells, planners, study guides and a BUNCH of other things. On instagram and tik tok, she'll nclex questions of the day and she'll post individual concepts broken down. From her, I would recommend the nursing bundle and the full set of nclex flashcards. It's important to start studying for the nclex as you go through the program instead of once you finish it.

I also recommend RNExplained on etsy and the other social medias.

[anexperimentallife]

Okay, I know I'm complaining a lot about health stuff lately, but...

Thank Sagan the doc is letting me drop down to 40 MG of prednisone today. That 60 MG dose has been robbing me of sleep, and I think I was about to chew a hole on the inside of my cheek.

No really, I've been averaging maybe three hours of sleep a night for almost a week now. I am SO done.

They're just throwing everything at me now lol. Prednisone, and because Prednisone suppresses your immune system and I'm apparently immunocompromised anyway and got another sinus/throat/ear infection while on the prednisone, they also have me on antivirals, TWO antibiotics, anti-thrombosis stuff and vasodilators (because blood clots are a risk with long COVID), then extra vitamin supplements, and proton pump inhibitors so all the medications don't eat a hole in my stomach, then like, some stuff that the FDA won't let them make any claims about but that is SUPPOSED to help heal nerve damage, because it MIGHT help, and also some traditional SE Asian herbal meds because my doc is like, well it can't hurt, and it MIGHT help. Oh, and antihistamines, of course.

And probiotics, so the antibiotics don't mess up my guts too much. (I figure the antibiotics and probiotics are just slugging it out; I'm considering setting up a betting pool.)

I feel like a walking pharmacy.

@thesurestthing is picking up all my slack, as usual, but I still do what I can until she yells at me to sit down. I know it's hard on her seeing me like this, and taking care of a baby AND my crippled ass, even at the best if times. And this is definitely NOT the best of times.

Of course I hang put with El as much as possible, too, and although that is definitely something I love, it also gives Zoey a break from being a constant caregiver to both of us.

What kills me, though, is that although, usually if we have to go someplace, I INSIST on being the one to wear El on my chest in her little carrier, and I hate that I can't trust my vision or balance enough to do that right now.

Jhane (local girl who's step-dad kicked her out so, we took her in when I was still on the oxygen machine) was helping out, too (doing the dishes, sweeping up occasionally, keeping the baby occupied when Zoey was trying to cook and I was bedridden, etc.), but she managed to find a job, so she simply can't do as much anymore.

Proud of her, though. I kind of treat her like a surrogate granddaughter, and she introduces me as her fake Lolo. Once she starts getting paychecks she plans to move in with her brother. We'll miss her. El LOVES her ate (ah-tay, meaning, "big sister") Jhane. El can't say ate or Jhane yet, so she just calls her, "Te."

But although we'll miss her, once she moves in with her brother I'll be able to walk around the house naked again, so, you know, trade-offs.

Still, another thing that kills me is that we'd have saved almost enough for the SRRV by now if I hadn't gotten COVID. I know I keep saying that.

Anyway, here's your reward for reading all that lol.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

hello i'm the person who asked about your opinion on  the infj invalidation. you're spot on about trauma. i just realised that i had it in march and yes i considered taking help but my financial condition won't allow it. all i can do is work hard till i can be in the position where i can get help. till then i must keep myself together and stay strong. if possible, what advice would you have for people who need help but can't access it for whatever reason?

although, i still have been healing as time passes (i'm just very impatient lol) mostly from connecting with my loved ones. i've read that trauma makes you want to dissociate but you should really try and surround yourself with people that love and support you. so, i try to do that.

i did look into Ne as well but the tricky part is that i've only been relating to Ne since the situation that traumatised me began.

you're right though, i should probably stay away from mbti till i am okay. i hope it's soon.

i just wanna say, please don't try and diagnose people online. i was slightly disappointed when i read your reply because you mentioned adhd but yeah i don't have focus related problems unless you make me do it for more than 3-5 hours at a time, i never lose my things and i still have a great memory. i had to say that because i really try to not self diagnose myself and give myself a headache for no reason.

i just struggle with anxiety often. when i was in middle school i was diagnosed with it (not the disorder) but was just given medication for it. i was confused about why the treatment was so short so i googled it and found out that anxiety actually can't be cured. it can only be "reduced" by taking care of your overall health and well being so back then i just made it my #1 priority to take care of myself and that actually did wonders for me. my productivity also skyrocketed. maybe i should work on taking better care of myself like back then.

otherwise, thanks for taking the time to reply. i really appreciate it :)

Hi anon,

I understand your discomfort with me mentioning that it would be worth looking into whether you have ADHD, as I am not a mental health professional. I try to communicate that as emphatically as possible when I bring these things up, that this is a flag to have someone qualified check this out rather than any sort of diagnosis. But with that in mind I absolutely cannot provide advice for people who need help but cannot access it, at least not on managing it; that seems outright irresponsible of me as someone with no training. I will say that, at least in the US, cities sometimes have mental health resources that operate on a sliding fee scale or for free, and I would recommend trying to find those, but I don't have any tips other than searching "sliding scale therapy near me"

[thechangeling]

My internalized ableism keeps telling me I can't be autistic bc I'm extremely emotional and empathetic

I know it's not true but ✨thoughts✨

Mood! Honestly what nobody talks about is that there's a spectrum of traits that range from not experiencing it at all to experiencing an abundance of it.

Like sensory avoidant vs. Sensory seeking. Some people are very sensory seeking and blast music directly into their ears at loud volumes (like me) and flash lights into their eyes. I tend to be very sensory avoidant with sight and touch (although it varies) and very sensory seeking with sound and movement. Although if I'm exposed to loud sounds around lots of people for long periods of time I start to get overloaded.

It's like a slider or a scale with 1 being I don't experience it at all or I don't want it at all to, let's say a 5 which is I feel or experience this a lot or I want a lot of it.

Does that make sense?

Same goes for empathy, some people are really low, hypo-empathetic and some people are up really high, hyper-empathetic. And here's the hard part, sometimes it fluctuates depending on the day or even the hour. It definitely does for me.

Something importent to remember is that there is no one right way to be autistic. Also a lot of what people know about autism is based on allistic perspective and that will never be as accurate as our own experiences.

But I totally feel you on the feeling so much thing. It's something I really struggle with.

Autism in girls is often misdiagnosed as a lot of things, (adhd, anxiety, depression) but very commonly, bpd. I think this is because so many of us are A) traumatized and B) feel everything so intensely. (Also misogyny in the medical field.)

I don't know where this is going anymore lol. That's the ADHD. Also hot take I don't think any autistic person is actually non emotional. There is a difference between feeling emotions and feeling empathy. There is also a difference in how we express our emotions or don't express them. This is often due to trauma. Also due to flat affect we might not make expressions that show a reaction to things.

This is incredibly important when considering Ty's "non reaction" to Kit's declaration of love. Also sometimes there is an emotional delay. Sometimes it takes me months, even years to feel something or have an emotional reaction. For example when there was a death in the family, I straight up did not care for weeks. I just didn't feel it and it pissed everyone off. Then months later it hit me and I started crying out of nowhere.

Anyways my original point was, I get it. You aren't alone. ❤

[spookybreadstick]

hi hi !!

i havent sent a letter in a while, i've gotten pretty busy doing color guard. do you know what that is? it's quite fun, though less people know about it.

color guard is like rotc, but it's less serious n stuff. it's usually contemporary dance with flags, rifles, and sabers. we work with the marching band !! and no the weapons aren't real, they do hurt though. we tape them up with electrical tape and wear gloves since it can hurt your hands a lot.

we have a show review next week !! that means whatever show we decided to create this year and work on we'll be going to another school to have the judges review our show and give us any criticism n what not.

we even are going to start practice for a new years parade our school has always been performing for for literal decades. it's 5 miles so we really have to build up stamina to do flag work and dance, not to mention memorize and have a good diet for it. since it's a parade it'll be about 1-3 hours long.

it's odd, i'm not used to being busy often or having an actual schedule since i've been depressed since i was young—though i haven't been diagnosed. i'm not diagnosed with anything, i know i said i had adhd and i feel bad for lying. i have a cousin a first cousin with it and i researched it since i wanted to do something in any medical profession or like- therapy at some point. so every single thing i read or research, i have symptoms or can relate far too much. i've been relating to and understanding anything i see about people with adhd or people with adhd explaining it or describing it since i was in elementary. i don't want to self diagnose though, that isn't good, but it sucks being stuck with either being diagnosed but then actually being diagnosed and having my family treat me like some kid.

i don't talk about it often besides with friends though since i don't want people thinking i'm being weird or faking it. i've just been having the symptoms since as long as i can remember so i try and figure it out myself before i decide to go and ask to be diagnosed.

i had the courage to ask my doctor a year ago but i was moving in a week when i asked so i couldn't get an evaluation or be assessed. so when i finally asked, my situation ruined it.

sorry for dumping like that. i got sick recently so i havent been able to be awake much or do anything properly. it's not covid, just a sore throat n lots of congestion. i have to blow my nose every 30 seconds i swear. so i havent been able to tell any friends and stuff about these things.

anyways, daily questions so prepare yourself !! how are you, mentally, physically, and emotionally? anything fun you did recently? have you been taking care of yourself? are you okay, considering the amount of time you took away from tumblr to move n all of that. how's moving been?

that's all for this letter, and i'm sorry if any of the topics i've mentioned aren't very joyous or make anyone get triggered.

– MC

hi MC, it's good to hear from you! so sorry for such a late reply :(

My ex-best friend used to do color guard, so I know of it's existence (she took up the activity at the end of our friendship, so I don't know too much, thanks for filling me in!) It sounds like a lot of work, so I applaud you for that. I don't think I could ever do it lol

self-diagnosis can be a tricky thing because you’re right, it isn’t great to self-diagnose but at the same time I know not everybody has the resources and means to get officially diagnosed. And in my opinion, diagnosis can do a lot of good for a person. I have a math learning disability that I wasn’t diagnosed with until last year. I knew something was wrong but I wasn’t able to get tested for the longest time. It actually hindered me more I think when it hung over my head as some big cloud of “I know something’s wrong with me but I can’t get tested, what if this is all in my head & I’m just making it up for attention, or what if I’m just really dumb and trying to use this an excuse for it’. all that fun self-doubting/spiraling thoughts. But after I got tested and diagnosed with my learning disability for math, it’s like things shifted for me. I had more patience with myself, if that makes sense. I started to treat myself like I would if I was any other person with a math learning disability. Like when those thoughts came to me, I was able to say to myself ‘You know you have a math learning disability and that’s okay, you’re not making it up for attention, and you’re not dumb’. It was a freeing and calming thing for me, so I totally get why it would be the same for you with a self-diagnosis (although I hope you can actually get diagnosed soon for your own sake and mental well-being, I know it’s tough though!) And you know, plenty of people have ADHD and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by if you do have it! If anybody treats you differently (which I don’t think they will), then that’s their problem, not yours! 

As for your questions....

1a) I am mentally doing alright. Seasonal depression is coming back, I can feel it in my bones, so that’s always tough

1b) I am physically well, just have a lot of bruising from dancing (I’m part of a dance club, and while learning some new moves I totally wiped out!!) 

1c) I am emotionally good right now! Things have been crazy lately but things are calming down enough for me to take a breather, you know?

2) The fun thing that I did recently was go back to my family’s house and help them decorate for Christmas! 

3) I’ve been trying to take care of myself! I’ve been really enjoying parfaits lately, and I also recently bought some new skin-care products that I’m excited to try out. I am slacking on my vitamins though, so I’ve gotta get that in check! 

4) It was hard for me to take a break to be honest, and I know I’m still not super regular with everything, but the move and classes and everything was a lot harder than I thought. In a good way though, if that makes sense? Like I thought it would be a bad-hard, like I’m lonely and crying all the time and I have all this extra empty time on my hands that I could at least use to work on the blog, but it’s not like that. It’s good-hard, like I have friends and I’m doing activities and I’m staying so busy with general life and such that I don’t have a lot of time for the blog like I thought I would. So it’s good, but also not exactly what I expected?

Thank you for your letter MC! Hope to hear from you soon!

- breadstick 🥖