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princessbubblecup · 23 days ago

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Our Not-So-Great Uncle, chapter 2

ao3 link, chapter 1

"Stanford Pines" was not a man at all.

He had cloaked himself in the visage of one for decades. He had in habit, body, and identity been reduced to one. It changed nothing. It changed everything.

For so very long, He had walked the town of Gravity Falls as just another taxpayer. He lived His life without any fuss to those around him, accepted His bills and paid them on time. His business was His own and that was that. A model citizen if you'd asked Him.

Prying eyes were not something He sought after, and yet. It had been a challenge to get His rage simmering deep beneath his own bowels, not invading the pumping arteries of red, human blood. He had a hatred within Him, so deep and abiding that there was one objective that allowed Him to keep peaceful enough to avoid attention.

Pure, exhilarating revenge.

Stanford Pines was born June 15, 1955 in Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey. He, "Stanford Pines," had come into the world September 28, 1980 in Gravity Falls, Oregan. Their paths had crossed immediately. Stanford Pines had seen Him, observed Him, and kept Him as a pet. He had christened Him after His own abilities, so carefully prodded and recorded by His... caregiver. His unrestricted forms, able to squeeze and stretch and compact into whatever He could take in. His "shapeshifting." It might've been an olive branch, this naming, but it so quickly turned whip.

He would be loathe to abide by it. He could consider His own identity once Stanford Pines was removed from it. Permanently.

Stanford Pines had kept his own form from his ward. He had kept his own secrets, wanting Him to stay in the dark, deep in the earth, unknowing forever. He could not accept this. He had fought, writhed in his chains, pounded at his cage. He had been so close, utilizing the assistant. Wearing the face of the skittish creature had so nearly bought Him victory, until. Until, until that dreaded man had outmatched Him, tricked Him, imprisoned Him one last time. A cryogenic chamber, a tube of ice so cold it froze the true blood within Him, and He was stuck.

He'd been comatose, last thoughts certain of the eternity that awaited Him. He had been so sure, so truly terrified, that it was the end.

And then.

He'd been freed! So soon after His imprisonment, really, He'd been given a second chance! Some idiot's blunder had Him released eternally early, and it had been desperation that had kept His freedom. And what had the fool had on his inferior body? It was the book. That... that journal that had led him to ice in the first place all those years ago. It was the work of Stanford Pines.

Was this man...? No, no he couldn't have been. So foolhardy, so clumsy, so wrong. But, he had answers, and He had the forms to get them. He had spent hardly any time at all in the forest before He found a form with incredible scent-tracking abilities. He was able to trace the oils soaked into the book back to a cabin lying some ways north of the bunker. It wasn't difficult to get in and learn just who his rearer was.

It turned out the man in the bunker was not so removed from Stanford Pines after all. He had taken his journal and he shared his face. He had been attempting to share his name as well, and seemed to be getting away with it. What an idea.

Now, if He were to partake in that idea, He could fulfill it much more seamlessly. He could smooth the rough edges, fill the gaps. He could perform with the full grace such a role required. He could have six fingers.

Presently, one would not look twice at "Stanford Pines." When He deemed to be observed over the many years, He prided Himself in His unremarkability. He had a face lined and folded, back stooped and gray hair thinned. His skin slipped off his figure, His joints swelled, and His fat ebbed around bone and ballooned around muscle. He was the picture of age, every bit what a sixty year old man should appear as. This was not so difficult, there were plenty of humans in Gravity Falls aging around Him to watch.

He also, to His own satisfaction, looked what anyone could assume Stanford Pines would look like as he reached sixty. This had been considerably less simple, as He had to create the image from His own imagination. It was one of many difficulties He'd had to overcome. Despite His success, He did not truly look as Stanford Pines did, as He had not truly seen Stanford Pines-- nor his likeness-- in some thirty years.

This was the problem at hand. A problem He was not alone in, it seemed. He had discovered some time after His entry into the home that there were rooms beneath the floors, much like his bunker. Large, cavernous rooms of concrete and metal, that held the story of a man swallowed by the endless void of space, and every variation thereof. A needle in a veritable sea of haystacks.

It would have been hopeless, to see a mound of twisted metal meant for usage beyond his comprehension, requiring education He could not hope to fathom in order to operate. It would have been, had He not held a third of the instructions in one copied hand. Had He not begun to plan.

It was not easily developed, this plan. He had to learn, scraping forward by His teeth, the very basics of human existence. He had to learn how to walk, how to speak, carry Himself, read, write, and dress all at once, and with only the shuttering memories of His childhood as a base. He had to learn how to learn, and then to study, and then to build. How to dismantle shoddy business practices and get people to stop showing up at the house. How to pay the mortgage.

Finding the other two journals was the first step. Stanford Pines did not want them found, and what Stanford Pines wanted he twisted the world around to get. It had taken years, many years, to detangle the earth in order to thwart his will. But not completely, not yet, as the step after was to decipher the instructions within, all the hidden messages and clues-- Stanford Pines was incredible in his difficulties.

When He at last had the instructions legible and complete in front of Him, He began the arduous journey of learning enough advanced engineering, physics, and all the other little sciences required to put the heap of junk together and operate it. Decades of His life, despite His freedom, spent in the dark.

Living as a man, not to even brief the life He led behind closed doors, was fairly expensive. It seemed that merely owning a residence was an absolute drain of resources, as well as actually residing in it. Electricity, water, upkeep, and renovations took a fair amount of money monthly, even considering the fact that He had no need for clothing or grocery bills. Had He attempted to fund His "project" legally it surely would have added many years and millions of dollars to his expenses. Luckily, His unique abilities provided fairly straightforward solutions to both issues.

It was not difficult for a "man" who could be anyone to get what He wanted.

The children had been... a complication. He had thought He might hate them.

Children in general were fairly loathsome, as a concept. Underfoot as a rule, with their sticky fingers in his work and their snotty noses in his affairs. Undoubtedly they would cause noise, provide distractions, and bring attention. There wasn't a single reason He would have put up with it, except for the one He had found.

The portal required a certain amount of DNA to track a specific target in the multiverse, which needed to be replenished somewhat frequently. This was a complicated notion, and one that had taken a fair chunk of time to work with, seeing as the original blueprints had no real directive for dimensional tracking, with only a few footnotes and an idea off the original locking system for Him to work with. There had been a point, not all that long ago, He had felt He was mere moments from His goal, until He had encountered a major issue.

His DNA was not enough. He had used the blood copied off the Other One, at the beginning, to provide a match of Stanford Pines’, and it did provide a good basis. However, HIS genetic material seeped through, no matter how He rearranged Himself to make up for it. Apparently, well-copied blood was useless without genuine DNA of the same species and general make-up to supplement it! The advanced scanner required to operate the tracker was too complex to be fooled completely, it seemed.

This was a large drawback, and He had begun to wonder what He could do to remedy it. It had seemed He would need to either try to reprogram the scanner, or else go back to the bunker, when the prospect of housing the children came up.

They would provide the physical material needed for months, and if it succeeded it would require no additional effort on his part. They were direct family. They were human. They were the blood of Stanford Pines.

He had wondered if He would hate them.

He had gotten the phone call in April. Stanford Pines had been a fairly distant man when he was himself, and so-- besides dispelling the short-lived reputation thrust upon Him in the early 1980's-- He did not have to develop any particularly strenuous communication habits in order to stave off concern or suspicion. Merely picking up the phone whenever it (ever so sparingly) rang, and neglecting to cut the call off immediately perhaps three times annually when it came to "close" family members. He would spare less than ten minutes a year for conversation this way, and then less than three once the mother had died. April’s phone call had been unexpected.

He had been unprepared to answer the phone one spring morning and hear the brother ask Him for a favor. Sherman Pines had a son who was beginning the process of divorce with his wife. This did not concern Him. They were looking for a relative to put up their twin children for the summer so they wouldn't be too confronted by this process. Apparently, this did concern Him.

Sherman Pines could not manage to watch the children, his wife was recovering from a stroke and he had to give her his full attention. There were no relatives short of West Virginia who had the space and time to watch two children, and the parents weren't comfortable sending them that far. "Stanford" had space, plenty of fresh air around him, and the opportunity to give the children a chance at handling a new environment. He was asking a favor.

It took three more phone calls and several nights staring at schematics to make arrangements.

He was sure He would hate them.

Mabel Pines was boisterous. She was as loud as He had expected children to be, and then some. She left a perpetual trail of glitter and pipe cleaners, and gave every room she stood in the distinct smell of chemicals and strawberries. It had taken an entire week for her to stop trying to make conversation with Him. She was strange.

Dipper Pines was intrusive. He was always twitching, always looking around. He would stick his fingers under things to try and observe what lay beneath. He had a general air of suspicion leaking off him, as well the smell of sweat. He had tried asking questions at first, but it had only taken three days for him to stop. He would not stop looking, though, as if he could see beneath the layer of human skin his “Uncle” wore. He was strange.

They wanted something from Him. He had given them beds and a sleeping chamber, He visited the stores regularly enough to keep their food supplies stocked (wearing a face that would not be questioned by the clerks), He allowed them range of nearly a third of the house. He kept an eye on them, whether it be human or creature, and gave them clear instructions with comprehensible reasoning. They still wanted something from Him.

Whenever He faced them, their expressions would be upset. Their disposition would sometimes aggravate Him; they were causing Him trouble and they were aiming for more of it, and yet they looked to Him as though He was the one required of something. He didn't know what they wanted Him to say. He didn't want to say anything.

He got what He needed from them, and they had generally been obedient. He had caught them sniffing around from the get-go, but they hadn't a chance in Hell of opening any door He wanted to stay shut. As soon as He became agreeable to the idea of them coming around, He made sure His defenses and locks were secure enough to deter government agents, let alone little children. He'd almost found their attempts entertaining. They were fairly helpless.

He was not used to them, and He did not enjoy their invasion of his life, but they were curious things. As He watched, whether it be from the eye of a camera or insect, He could not quite deny that-- despite having dedicated His life to one in two ways-- He did not understand the human creature. They were stuck in one form, and yet eternally changing. Their growth was so slow compared to His kind, and yet their lifespan so fast. These two were more than half a decade away from full physical maturity, and yet once they reached it they would be a fourth of the way done with their lives. It was such an inconvenient timeline. How could humans consider themselves the most advanced species?

How could Stanford Pines?

The children were not, as He had feared, Stanford Pines in miniature. They shared his curiosity, his brashness, his entitlement, yes, but it was in different dosages. They were their own strange, expectant, small little humans.

He did not hate them.

He also did not know what He felt about them. He did not prioritize them, He would NOT prioritize them. He did allow Himself to consider their safety, at least. He scoured the parts of the house several times over to remove any items that could in any way be used for injury, or that were related to His Project. He kept any food contaminants out of the kitchen they would be using, regardless of incrimination prospects. He forbade their entry to the woods (which provided an excellent cover for gathering DNA) mostly to prevent any commotion they might cause upon discovery of the supernatural, but partially because it did hold genuine danger.

He supposed this would be enough.

And then, and then, and then one day in late July.

It was ready. Year after year, day after day, night after night, and He was a day out from finally, FINALLY, being done with it. The portal was activated.

He considered waiting, letting the children take their bus back to California before letting the portal run. He considered, and decided no, He'd waited far long enough. The children could be kept upstairs, locked away to ensure their lack of interference. They could not even get to the study, they wouldn't be able to get to Him. They would be safer indoors aways, once the gravitational pulses started. He would put them away, He would let the portal finish its powering, He would get his revenge, and then He would go upstairs.

He would tell the children He had been knocked out, He would say He hadn't an idea what had happened besides that it had been dangerous. He would clean them up and send them home early. He wouldn't let them learn about the body. Then, finally, He would...

...He would....

He would figure it out. There wouldn't be anything for Him to be held back by, no wounds He would need to seek healing for. He would be freer than ever.

That would not be until tomorrow, anyways. All was falling into place.

"You can't do this!" Dipper Pines' voice yelled shrilly through the attic door. "This is child neglect!"

He huffed quietly, twisting His appendage in the lock as a key. He turned and began to descend to ground level, ignoring the pounding on the door behind him. Children were nuisances, decidedly. He had hoped they would continue their general habit of obedience for this. The one time He directly asked for compliance and they questioned Him. Dramatics! He couldn't understand it. They had spent so long fighting going to their room, He had noticed they forgot to bring drinks, which He was to understand would make them slightly uncomfortable for the day. Dipper Pines had forgotten to bring anything.

No matter! This short discomfort would teach them a valuable lesson in obedience and thoughtlessness. Regardless, come the next day or so they would be back at their own home, and able to do whatever they wished. It was fine.

He reached the end of the stairs and walked forwards towards the back room. Turning, He shifted His eyes into the correct two for the retinal scanner, and in put the series of numerical codes to unlock the door. It swung open with a slight hiss, and He began to descend to the elevator.

He found, as He watched the floor indicator count down, that He was nervous. What if it went wrong? He had spent so long on this Project, on this Objective, He didn't know how well He could handle another failure, especially this close in completion. How much longer would He stand in the dark if it did not work this time?

No matter. He would greet that possibility in the morning. Tonight, He was going to try.

It was no time at all compared to the past three decades, but on a daily level the portal powering up was slow-going. He spent the next three-and-a-half hours puttering about the portal room as He had most His entire life. It felt familiar, almost menial, and yet exhilaratingly new. Nearly there.

When the first gravitational anomaly happened, He braced against a support beam. He looked up at the countdown blinking up on the wall, and felt a grin pull at His face. Strange. He'd not usually felt the urge to express Himself on a human level. Sign of the times, maybe.

The passing of time went from a trickle to a heavy flow as He watched His recreation truly come to life.

The portal whirred with color, spinning light around the vortex as it roared in front of Him. He felt so alive, as though the electricity was jump-starting His hearts as it cracked whip-like from the frame. The anomalies would get more and more frequent and long-lasting as the portal finished its sequence. The room around Him had already suffered, wood and concrete splintered around Him. The last one, right as it pulled Stanford Pines through, would be the strongest. He hoped, in a very small way, as the clock ticked to the last ten seconds, that the children would not be damaged in it. In a very large way, He hoped this was it.

This was it.

This was--

The portal exploded with light, the vortex opened like a gaping maw with pure energy spilling forth and filling the weightless room around Him. He was blinded, as all sound and form was consumed by the brilliance. He was stung by it, body vibrating with a pitch beyond reason. A void and an endless expanse. For a moment, He forgot.

Then, it was over.

He came crashing to the floor, body still ringing and filled with ache. The portal came crashing down around Him, tons of metal hitting the ground with finality. This was it.

He looked up, and saw the portal's entrance. The light, so all-encompassing moments before, was fizzling with its last breath. Before it gave out completely, someone stepped through. He caught His breath.

The man stepped off the edge, thick boots hitting the floor with a thud. He slowly pulled off his hood and goggles to reveal his face. Staring Him straight in the eyes was Stanford Pines.

Stanford Pines stalked forward, seeming purpose in his step as he came near. He couldn't believe it. Stanford Pines quickened his pace. He couldn't believe it. Stanford Pines raised an arm. He Couldn't Believe It. Stanford Pines socked Him across His human jaw.

He went sprawling to the floor once more.

"God damn it, Stan, what the hell about, "could lead to the end of the world," don't you understand?!"

Stanford Pines was here, and yelling at Him, and here. He began to laugh, then harder, until He was downright cackling. He rolled over before getting up by His hands and knees. He, still screaming with laughter, looked up at Stanford Pines' stormy expression.

"This isn't a laughing matter, Stanley!" Stanford Pines shouted at Him.

He disagreed. This was a matter that could only be met with the utmost ecstacy. Stanford Pines was in front of Him, and he seemed to be under a very strange impression. Stanford Pines was about to die.

He didn't want to waste this, didn't want to chance that this opportunity would slip from His fingers again, so He struck. He shifted His arm into a lance, and lunged forward mid-laugh. Stanford Pines yelled in surprise, evading with merely a tear to his coat. He barrel rolled, coming up to the side in a defensive position as He spun with a growl.

"You!" Stanford Pines cried out, hand going to his hip.

He didn't allow for a response, contorting His top half into a mess of teeth and sling-shotted back at the man, who sprung away again. He stretched a limb as He passed, though, spearing through the air towards Stanford Pines' heart. It was met with a slicing pain, and He screamed from it as He withdrew quickly.

Stanford Pines stood, strange knife in hand, in front of the part of His limb he had cut off. His face concentrated, Stanford Pines watched Him as He reshuffled his body to center the wound and rushed again with a body hard enough to crack his skull. Stanford Pines stood in wait as He spun forwards, basement a blur with the speed as He bounded towards the target of a very breakable HEAD--

Stanford Pines dropped, rolling under the crest of His movement as He bounced upwards to strike. He felt that knife rake His underside as he went, splitting a form that should not be possible to split. His blood splattered, and He shrieked from the indignity.

In a great rush, He fled to the shadows for cover. He crept about quickly, circling the great perimeter of the room, watching as Stanford Pines slowly turned about to try and track Him.

After a moment, when Stanford Pines seemed to lock onto a spot a few meters from His left, He burst forward, lunging with more spines and talons and teeth He had ever shoved into a form before. This distance closed in a heartbeat, He sped the last inches with His appendages spread out to prevent escape. He filled the air, flattened out to cover ten feet across Stanford Pine's back and curved over slightly so he would not be able to spring forward, sharp spines reaching towards soft flesh. There there theretherethere gOT YOU--

Within half a blink Stanford Pines was facing Him, gun poised and powered up and going off. Whatever came from it shot out and hit Him squarely in the middle. The force of the thing threw Him backwards, centimeters from His target turned feet. His outer skin shuddered, and He was forced back into his true form. He was ripped open, His internal center mass spilling out from a gaping wound. Green blood and organs covered Him. Before He could register, attempt to get up, think about attacking again, three more shots landed.

He gave a garbled cry, choking on His own fluids, as Stanford Pines said something. He could not hear it over the gushing of His blood circling through his system to try and mitigate the damage. One shot had blown through His neck. The vibration of footsteps echoed through His back skin. The blurry form of the first person He had ever known settled above Him. He had wanted him dead so badly.

The gun came back into view. He never heard the last shot as it came, and He did not feel it.

He did not know anything at all.

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mulders-too-large-shirt · 2 months ago

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s7 episode 19 “hollywood a.d.” thoughts

i’m excited for this one! i know absolutely nothing about it, except i think it is the episode from which one particular gif i have seen comes from, so i’m in a hopeful mood.

hollywood a.d…. hmm. is this going to be skinner-centric? he and kersh are the only a.d.s i can think of. and i have a feeling it’s not referring to “anno domini”, but hey, you never know

(the way it was literally both meanings of a.d..... woah....)

how did this case get made into a movie? why did a screenwriter get to come along? is this another jose chung sort of situation? i need to know!

(post-episode thoughts: i love to laugh… i love to share in joy with my friends. and other such things are currently going through my mind.

also, need the gunmen’s reaction to that film. stat)

let us begin!!

we open with what seems like a scene from the movie! a hero is flipping around behind a gravestone, firing his gun. reloading.

LMAO, DID HE NAME THE CHARACTER MULDER? LIKE, HE DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO CHANGE IT? BAHAHA

bro looks nothing like mulder. and the evil guy yells “my sniper zombies are everywhere” <- okayyyy, naturally! cut to sniper zombies!’

“i’ll offer you a deal: you give me the lazarus bowl, and i’ll give you scully” <- SO SHE DIDN’T GET RENAMED EITHER i’m crying... this must be a PR nightmare for them… are they going to be invited to the red carpet since it’s about them?!

IS THE BAD GUY SUPPOSED TO BE CSM??

if he breaks the lazarus bowl, the zombie snipers go back to being simply corpses. so jot that down.

the bad guy is in some sort of wizard gear and holding scully hostage, lmaoooo…. apparently, the lazarus bowl can raise the dead, so he thinks mulder won’t break it. tea!!!

the zombies don’t want to go back to being just regular dead….. "mulder" throws the bowl up…. grabs "scully"… rolls into a coffin…

NOOO, THAT FLASHLIGHT LINE IS DIABOLICAL…. oh GOD…. they are in a theater….

on-screen mulder says he loves on-screen scully, “no ifs, ands, or-” “bees” LMAOOO (passionate makeout sesh) (the crowd awws as they moan) (cut to real scully, who looks shocked but invested in the movie, and mulder, who puts his head in his hands) LMAOOOO, I WOULD BE DYING IF I WERE THEM

AND SKINNER TURNS AROUND AND SMILES AT THEM???? AS “heavy breathing and moaning continues”, LMAOOO

(author's note: skinner is the og MSR truther... later events in this episode will not change my mind!)

mulder's head falls again.

BAHAHAAA, SHE LOOKED INVESTED IN THE FILM AND HE WANTED TO DIE LMAOO, I WOULD HAVE IMAGINED IT WOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND, OHHH MY GOD

man... LMAOOOO

the way i rewatched that immediately…. scully looks so pretty in her dress <3 and mulder in his bow tie. and skinner’s SMILE, LMAOOO

awww….. i'm giggling. i’m wondering if mulder’s like damn… wish that is what really happened

intro time!!! god i’m SO fucking excited, LMAOOOO

very short intro today. which i respect. we have to cut to the chase.

okay, so the events we are currently seeing take place over a year before the movie premiere we saw pre-intro. which makes the timeline of the season hard to follow. skinner is debriefing the agents about a church bombing while some other guy sits in the back of his office.

mystery guy mumbles into an audio recorder “she: jodie foster’s foster child on a payless budget” <- OH MY GOD???? mulder turns to glare at him. scully is a saint for not reacting.

“HE’S LIKE A JEHOVAH’S WITNESS MEETS HARRISON FORD’S WITNESS” <- LMAOOOOO, STOP

THEY’RE JUST STARING AT HIMMMM

scully is very professional and tries to change the subject… she knows who the cardinal at that church is. ooo, he might be the first american pope. writer guy records a bad pun as a terrible high-pitched sound plays.

mulder says this whole thing looks like a terrorist attack for the ATF. hold on, i gotta look something up. ATF stands for... the bureau of alcohol, tobacco, firearms, and explosives. ah, i see what he is saying. doesn’t look like their territory.

LMAOOOO, that terrible noise is writer guy’s phone ringing, who mulder turns to and asks if he’s gonna answer it- but he claims he “didn’t want to be rude”

mulder looks like he’s gonna throw hands. this fellow's name is wayne federman, and he’s a buddy of skinner’s?!?! WHAT!! skinner has friends from college? i guess i haven't thought much about what skinner's life outside of work looks like. i guess i thought that was the sort of job where you don't have one.

he calls skinner “the skinman” <- LMFAOOOOOO, and he says he will NOT get in their way

written and directed by david duchovny… yeah. i should have seen that coming from a mile away.

(author's note: can't stop laughing at the differences between when he was behind the camera and when gillian was... opposite ends of a spectrum when it comes to tone, but both incredibly in-character writing for our agents. love it)

i’m sorry, still processing “the skinman”. mulder is mad as fuck about being stuck with this dude, but skinner says he shall extend his courtesy and protection to federman- while scully is needed here this morning. “sir, have i pissed you off in a way that’s more than normal?” <- bahahaaa, oh my godddd.

so wait… hollywood a.d…. the way skinner was looking at them in the theater… is he going to end up writing the movie?!

mulder will NOT let federman ask if scully is more than just his partner as they arrive at the church. they go inside, and he asks cardinal o’fallon if anyone would want to hurt him or the crypt- there are just some relics down there, the cardinal claims, and some documents. like god’s refrigerator. federman records this.

on a daily basis, only o’fallon goes down to the crypt- but today, lucky mulder and federman get to go, too. it’s very dusty. he shows them where the bomb went off, and mulder thinks it might be a terrorist attack. when federman’s phone goes off again. wait no, it’s mulder. no! it’s the cardinal. no! it’s not. who is it then?!

mulder approaches the rocks blown up by the bomb… is there another bomb in there?! is that the terrible noise?

AUGH, there’s a dead guy and a ringing cell phone!!! “micah hoffman” idk who that is, and idk if it’s a spoiler if i look that up, so i’ll just google it later. WAIT NO, we get an answer: it’s just actually the name of the guy who is calling the nokia <- LMAOOO, okay, so not a late 90’s pop culture reference i would fail to understand.

(author's note: it turns out that the dead guy was supposed to be the micah hoffman, which was lost on me, because: why did someone else calling him make the phone screen show HIS OWN name? i get that there was a time before caller ID, but it makes no sense for someone to call YOU and your phone to show your own name! like, what? i'm pretty sure whoever owns the phone knows their own name! so this detail threw me for a plot loop because i was unfamiliar with cellphones in the 2000's. if they really did show your OWN NAME when someone called you, that is one of the silliest things i can think of!)

scully and mulder have been reunited- plus federman- and scully asks if this hoffman fellow was some sort 60’s campus radical. he was a weatherman, says mulder; he was a yippie. are these real terms? guess i will need to look into that

and he was a poet and played baseball at columbia... okayyyy, mr. duchovny projecting that one season of basketball he played at an ivy league school onto this side character, LMAOOO. federman knows that this hoffman was never heard from again after some incident in the 70’s that is not elaborated upon- maybe he isn’t as stupid as he acts. but that is doubtful

mulder asks what skinner wanted with scully and she says “just paperwork”… federman makes a "hmm" sound and face. see, i thought he was implying something dirty earlier when he made a certain face because skinner said scully was needed in his office... but i didn't want to assume the worst in him. however, this just confirms that is what he was doing. NASTY!! i hate to see scully and skinner's relationship in that sort of light. so federman must be a severe dirtbag. i wonder why skinner- i’m sorry, “the skinman”- still has his number.

(author's note: the rest of this episode would provide challenges to me on the same grounds that the story seemed to imply skinner is attracted to scully, but i utterly refuse to believe it, and no force can come between me and denial of things i hate, so checkmate ❤️)

they are going somewhere and scully says they should have a warrant. federman makes some comment about it only being the constitution they're violating- no big deal. another tongue-in-cheek comment to the fans, along with the "bees" kiss?

wherever they are, it is filled with paintings. i see one very erotic one and the rest seem… idk, religious, maybe?

ah, they must be at hoffman’s place, and it seems he was making bombs. so scully thinks he was killed by something he made.

NOW WHY DOES SCULLY KNOW A FORGER’S TRICK USED TO MAKE PAPER LOOK OLD LMAOOO??? oh i just love her…. mulder is gonna shoot this federman fellow if he makes any more puns. get a taste of your own medicine, buddy.

so hoffman made pots, did calligraphy made to look like old religious texts, and maybe also painted those paintings by the door. a man of many talents.

SCULLY CAN READ GREEK???? like, even a little bit? this is CRAZY. is this something you learn if you're a really dedicated catholic? or something she did in school, like german class in college. need someone to let me know here because i'm shocked.

she says it looks like a lost gospel- of mary magdalene and christ’s life on earth after the resurrection. heretical, but long rumored to exist.

why would hoffman have them? or, asks federman, why would o’fallon have hoffman’s forgeries?

“like the way you guys work- no warrants, no permission, no research” <- lmaooo, call the show's writing out, i see you!!! they’re back in the crypts. and they hear weird noises. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME OR SOMETHING LIKE SKINMAN, HE ASKS MULDER... STOOOOP!!! and did scully leave??

they find more of the gospel of mary in the crypt. “alright, so is this a real fake, or a fake fake?” <- federman is asking the real questions

but damn! federman’s cellphone goes off. why does his cellphone work in the crypts? and why does a skeleton move away from his foot??

mulder is holding the flashlight in his mouth. looking at something. while more bones click. a funny little song plays as the CGI bones stick a flashlight into a skull. LMAO, WHAT IS GOING ON. the skeleton assembles! right in front of federman!

scully is attempting to convince federman that he was hallucinating dancing bones trying to reconstruct a bowl. he says he has a movie to write. mulder is surprised, but he says “fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper”, which is fair enough. scully looks SO DONE WITH THIS, LMAO

“you want my advice? you’re both crazy” “well, why do you say that?” “well, you’re crazy for believing what you believe, and you’re crazy for not believing what he believes” <- i generally support getting their asses, federman, but i’m not trusting you after those faces re: skinner and scully. but with this statement, he leaves.

scully says she knows federman is yanking his chain, so she’s hesitant to mention it, but it reminds her of the lazarus bowl. she says she had a wacky nun in catholic school they called “sister spooky” because she told so many scary stories... aww. sister spooky claimed that a lot of random wood came from the cross, a lot of random blood came from jesus, and that lazarus’s aunt recorded the incantation to raise the dead in the grooves of a pot she was spinning like a song in vinyl. “you see, it’s just not true that you can’t get good science at catholic school” <- LMAOOO

"that is a very cool story coming from you scully", mulder says, BAHAHA, and she smilessss…. he tells her he will have chuck meet her at the office to listen to the bowl and he is going back to chat with the cardinal

chuck is talking about everything in the world making music. throws mulder’s porn tapes under the bus. he really wants us to know that mulder is watching porn.

and then chuck hears some weird holy sounding noise when he scans his wand thing over the bowl. who made this? either a guy named micah or one of jesus christ’s friends, explains scully. apparently, the bowl is singing in all the keys at once!!

mulder asks cardinal o’fallon to translate more of the fake fake gospels. ohhhh, it’s talking about mary magdalene and jesus as lovers. heretical! mulder tells him they’re forgeries from hoffman. the cardinal says he thought they were real. aww... the poor cardinal looks like he is gonna cry.

i’m crying, the ancient texts look to be in amazing shape, like on a normal piece of paper that is just a little old, lmaooooo. it turns out the cardinal bought them in order to hide them- to keep others from feeling the despair and anger he felt. he wouldn’t destroy them because he thought they were real. “is being made fool of a crime, agent mulder?” “i’d be doing life if it were, sir” <- aww :(

cardinal o'fallon starts to cry

oooo, mulder calls scully and asks her to perform the hoffman autopsy. he was blackmailing o’fallon with those forgeries. meanwhile, she’s playing with the bowl that might raise the dead on their desk, LMAO. but another call comes in for mulder. it’s federman! mulder tells him he can’t talk about the case- but that is okay, because skinman is keeping federman in on the loop anyway. IS THAT ALLOWED? he wants to know who mulder sees playing him in the movie. “i’m in the movie?” <- LMAOOO, his voice!!! he sounded sooo excited!! federman claims the character is loosely based on him... more of an amalgamation, really.

and mulder clicks back to scully, calling her "sister spooky" and saying he has to take the call, LMAOOOO. he must be over the moon to be featured in a movie. she will report back after the autopsy.

he wants richard gere to play him, but federman can offer a guy named garry shandling for the role. and someone named tea leoni to play the loosely based on scully character. WELL THEN... WHY DID HE CALL TO ASK?

and skinner told him about the lazarus bowl. IS THIS ALLOWED?

the actors want to meet the agents! AND RICHARD GERE WILL PLAY SKINNER (mulder hits something with his car) LMAOOO

scully is doing an autopsy. she’s gonna weigh the heart. AUGH, THE GUY SITS UP AND ASKS FOR IT BACK? she gasps and he walks up to her and knocks the knife out of her hand. she picks it up and slices her finger!!! noooo, scully!! the guy's blood will mix with her blood... the germs! and in the time it takes for that to happen, he is back to a normal corpse. you can see she thinks she’s losing it. but she's so pretty doing an autopsy….

mulder comes in to see what’s going on. there are traces of red wine and strychnine in hoffman’s stomach. is she going to mention what she saw? about him getting up and asking for his heart back? mulder thinks o’fallon poisoned him! they go to get a warrant.

scully wants to allow o'fallon some dignity to finish his mass before they go and arrest him. she goes and looks at the statue of jesus. crosses herself and kneels. and then sees that hoffman guy's head on the statue's body!!! saying something in latin!!!

she turns to mulder, and by the time she turns back to face jesus, it’s a normal statue again. our girl is freaked tf out. and at this point, she decided they have to go get o'fallon now. they arrest him.

but in walks hoffman!

skinner is YELLING at our agents. for misidentifying a corpse. “sir, the dead man looked very much like micah hoffman” AND he had his ID!

“scully, if i’m carrying marilyn monroe’s purse, do you assume that i slept with JFK?” <- HOWLLLLLING. what if i say yes, skinner?

skinner is mad as FUUUUUUCK. he must be worried about his movie. that or he thinks the church will sue the FBI. maybe both. and they are ordered to take a 4 week leave!!! they look very shocked. this might be the most unjust leave they have been forced into!!

they go back to their office, where mulder declares richard gere is getting to skinner’s head. chuck is still there, with updates on the pot. in the background of the sound from the bowl, someone speaking in aramaic! the language of christ, mumbles scully.

what is it saying? NOT THE BEATLES JOKE, LMAOOOO: “I AM THE BEARDED COW-LIKE SEA BEAST” <- STOP, WHY DID THAT GET MY ASS…

well, after that is said, the next voice is one man commanding the other to rise from the dead!

they go to talk to hoffman, who claims to be jesus. he knew o’fallon from college- he was his divinity professor. he says o’fallon believes in christ but not man, as we see hoffman’s paintings of jesus kissing who i assume to be mary magdalene in the background.

so hoffman created a christ that suited his own worldview, which i guess is realy into worldly loving. but before he could do so, he had to become jesus... like a method actor. and get down the language, the vibe, the feeling.

when it came to analyzing the forgeries he sold to o'fallon, the church couldn’t go outside of their own resources to get verification, because the writings were too damning. but something weird happened. hoffman was converted- like saul to paul. he went from impersonating jesus to becoming him. so, naturally, he needed to destroy the blasphemous writings.

mulder asks how his cell phone got on the dead man. “god works in mysterious ways” uh. okay!

cutscene. mulder is on his couch, quoting a movie word-for-word as it plays. it’s called plan 9 from outer space. when scully arrives! he thinks the movie is so bad it will hypnotize his conscious critical mind “and frees up my right brain to make associo-poetic leaps". that is a bold theory. maybe i should put on a really bad show when i get writer's block.

it’s made him think of the relationship between hoffman and o’fallon- like that of jesus and judas. okaaaay, he’s read the brothers karamazov, i see you king! “how about hoffman’s roadrunner to o’fallon’s wile e. coyote?” asks scully <- THIS QUEEN AND HER CONSTANT CARTOON REFERENCES…. i really do love her so much. she has such a big smile as she says this.

scully asks- very seriously- if he really thinks it’s possible that hoffman is jesus. he checks to make sure she isn’t making fun of him. before he says no- but crazy people can be very persuasive. “well yes, i know that” (pointed look) (pointed eye roll in return)

blatant flirting on this couch. and did he get blankets for this couch? mulder... i'm shocked. is he getting his life in order?

“maybe true faith is a form of insanity” “are you directing that at me?” “no! i’m directing it at myself. and at ed wood”

“how-“ “42” “you’ve seen this movie 42 times?” “yes” “doesn’t that make you sad? it makes me sad”

OHHHHHHH… they’re going to use their probation to go to watch the movie being filmed in California…. oh my god… my poor little heart… MSR hollywood vacation...

and they’re filming at fox studios, bahaha. WHY DOES FEDERMAN KISS MULDER ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD, LMAO. which reminds me: we haven’t seen our friend krycek in a loooong time!! what has he been up to?

his faaace... and hers looking at him LMAOOO

MULDER SAYS HE IS A BIG FAN OF THE WOMAN PLAYING SCULLY AND SHE’S LIKE “NO KIDDING”, LMAOOOO

AND THE RUNNING IN HEELS CALL OUT, BAHAHAAAA

the guy playing mulder asks if he dresses to the left or to the right. he needs to get into character! “i guess mostly to the left” “mostly?” “most of the time”

why is there a dog running around in the background as scully runs in heels!!! LMAO, WHAT IS GOING ONNNN ON THIS EPISODE. wait- is that his dog? i feel like i've seen that beast in a photo before.

is that chris carter playing the director... or just a random guy? 😭😭

the zombie had to bite off leoni’s shoulder and it was supposed to be TOFU TURKEY!!

YES, THIS SCENE FROM THE GIFS, LMAOOO!!! SCULLY SIPPING RED WINE OUT OF A GLASS IN THE BATHTUB, CALLING MULDER TO ASK WHAT HE IS DOING… he claims to be working at the computer. she claims to be packing. DID THEY SPEND 4 WEEKS THERE FOR REAL??? AND WE DIDN’T GET TO SEE THEM?? or were they only there for a brief part of those 4 weeks?

AND HIS SPARKLING ASS IS ALSO IN THE TUB…. thinking about why people who come back from the dead want to hurt the living. scully’s talking about cannibalistic and sexual fantasies implicit in the stories of zombies #okaaaay. and he says they’re trying to do the things they miss from life: first eat, then drink, then dance, then make love

LMAO, IS THIS HOW THESE BITCHES TALK?? ABOUT THE GENTLER SIDE OF THE UNDEAD… THEY HOOKED UP ONE TIME, I’M CRYINGGGG

(actually, i'm a little confused if they had hooked up at this point or not, because of the whole "x months earlier" thing. probably best not to think too hard about it, right?)

it’s skinner calling now… mulder claims he’s at the computer. he's apologizing for coming down so hard on them. “i appreciate that, skinman” “don’t call me that” “yes, sir”

HE’S IN LA AT THE SAME HOTEL RIGHT BENEATH THEM, LMAOOO, AND HE HAS CHAMPAGNE AND GRAPES AND SEASHELLS, OH MY GOD…. absolute LUXURY... he’s an associate producer on the film!!

“hey scully, skinman is calling me from a bubble bath” “it’s still me, mulder” <- LMAOOOO, STOP, WHY DID I GIGGLE LIKE A LOSER…

AND THEN HE DOES GET TO HER AND JUST TELLS HER, LMAOOOOO. it's so important for them to be gossipy.

she thinks leoni has a crush on him and he’s like nooo… omg….

and then. 16 months later. back to the film love confession. scully looks aghast.

“i know that this feels wrong because we’re friends, and we treat each other as equals” says on-screen mulder <- OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOD

WHAT!!!! SHE SAYS SHE’S IN LOVE WITH SKINNER??? OH MY GOD

mulder gets up and LEAVES, saying he cannot take it anymore, while someone smooches skinner…. is that this ex wife…? are they back together? or is it just some random woman? i can’t tell, it’s too dark!!!

mulder runs back to the set of the film. where scully finds him after saying she looked all over. she sits next to him and steals some popcorn.

hoffman was murdered that evening by o’fallon!! “it’s jesus and judas, scully”

he’s worried about how they’ll be remembered because of the movie, but she’s like... well, hopefully it’ll just tank, LMAO. OHHH, he’s worried about who will tell the stories of the dead and she says “i think the dead are beyond caring what people think about them. hopefully we can adopt the same attitude” <- AWWW. her big smile while she says this. i swear i've heard that quote before. maybe someone quoted it before i saw this show and i just didn't recognize it.

OH MY GOSH, SKINNER GAVE THEM A BUREAU CREDIT CARD TO USE FOR THE EVENING, AND SHE LAUGHS AND GRABS HIS ARM… and she jokingly confesses to being in love with associate producer walter skinner. LMAO, AND HE SAYS "ME TOO". AND THEY HOLD HANDS?????

then a tree branch scratches against the plastic lazarus bowl from which he was eating his popcorn, and the zombies emerge, starting to dance. and smooch.

the end

(suppressing stupid laughter) hey….. hi.

LMAOOOOO, HOLD ON, I NEED TO LET IT OUT!!!!

as much as i resent the implication of anything impure between scully and skinner- and maybe this was a comment on what contemporary fans thought, and poking fun at how weird of an idea it was (or maybe it was a super popular theory they were acknowledging?)- this episode got my ass. THE HAND HOLDING!! BUBBLE BATHING!!

the way i had to rewatch mulder angrily leaving and skinner watching scully as the love confession comes on…. and then mulder hiding on the set. and his angst about hoffman and o’fallon’s memories due to the movie. and the CSM shade. “pretty silly”, she said to the "cigarette smoking pontiff". and her LAUGHTER as she says the dead are beyond caring… AND HER SMILE WHEN SHE SAYS IT IS A MOVIE SET, THERE AREN'T REAL DEAD PEOPLE… AND HER LAUGHHHH AT THE CREDIT CARD... AND SHE GRABS HIS ARM…. AND SHE GRABS HIS HAND AFTER THE SKINNER JOKE….

okay, so the guy playing the director character was NOT chris carter and instead just some guy, BAHAHA. shows you how much i know about what was going on behind the scenes.

this was soooo funny. a very clear conversation with the fans. a sort of thank you letter to them. i am sure they appreciated it greatly.

like i said, i reject all ideas of skinner being attracted to scully and assume it was federman being a creep- shh, i don't want to hear you say "but skinner would have had to sign off on it as the producer", LET ME LIVE IN PEACE! but i do wanna know if that woman he was with was his ex (?) wife because!!! we never got any follow up on if he signed the divorce papers!!!

very sick and twisted relationship between o’fallon and hoffman, but, you know. par for the course. i do not believe he was jesus, but i do believe that controlling religious texts is like being a divine figure in a way, so. still interesting.

so i am a little confused about what exactly was going on: hoffman was dead at first, it seemed, which is why the phone and the ID belonged to him and why he asked for his heart back from scully... and it isn't clear if she just imagined him on the cross or if that was some form of "miracle". and then he came back from the dead, possibly using the bowl, but o'fallon murdered him, so now he is probably dead for good? i'm probably misinterpreting that, which is also probably fine. i'm not sure if the plot was actually the most important part of the episode- although, maybe there was some symbolism in there i'll have to ponder on for some time before i unlock. maybe the blasphemous idea of jesus as a lover says something about the agents putting aside their identity of self-sacrifice to find meaning in each other. or something like that.

skinman will sell state secrets to his college buddies�� perhaps this is the meaning of loyalty.

oh god, the end scene… i need to scream a little. she didn’t care what they world thought of them!!! being on cops must have changed things for her. and the way the camera wasn't fully focused on them holding hands, you could just see them running away in the background... loved it.

i am honestly quite confused over the timeline, so i’m just going to not think about it. like… did the case take place during this season, and the 16 months later part of them actually watching the movie was a glimpse into the future? or did the case take place during the past- like s6-ish- and then the 16 months later took place when all the rest of the episodes of this season were going on? it’s just important to place this in the context of the rest of the s7 flirting! or maybe they jumped ahead into 2001/2002 ish and they therefore do not have to deal with 9/11 in the plot. that could be a lucky coincidence.

ah… don’t worry about the logistics. just take a good thing when it happens.

i am thinking about mulder quoting every word of that movie, asking the deep questions on the couch, scully assuring him he isn't making fun of him, and then proposing that perhaps faith is insanity. and her face when he says he has seen in 42 times. and LA vacation together. and scully's dress and little hairdo as they watched the movie- do you think they walked the carpet at the premiere, or just snuck in as to not blow their cover? do you think she did her hair up herself? do you think mulder short-circuited seeing her in a dress? did skinner think making them kiss in fiction was a favor? and i am thinking about mulder getting furious and leaving, then scully finding him- he's worried about the dead and their reputations, she laughs, grabs his arm and flashes the credit card. and they joke about being in love with skinner.

RAUGH.

i just want to let it all sink in. no worries. no analysis. just... laughter. silly times with the agents. happy times. vacation. tourist-y stuff. more movies on the couch. yeah.

a very good episode that i thoroughly enjoyed with my friends mulder and scully. it seemed like a clear love letter to the fans, and i am curious to hear how it was received at the time- and if you also agree with me about the whole skinner thing. and now i shall sleep and think of the way things ought to be.

#goodnight... let the evening bring us dreams of movie night on mulder's couch #i need the skinner lore... if that is his ex wife you HAVE to tell me! if not... need to know that too!#their relationship has always been that of like angsty family which i have prized so i don't want to disrupt that vision #do not underestimate the things that happen in canon which i can ignore.#like for instance closure. still mad about that. but this isn't a place for anger. this is a place for LOVE and no BEES #oh and let me know if you have any answers on the timeline as well! i'm curious if there is a consensus i don't know about #juni's x files liveblog #7x19

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