#completely out of your life regardless of how many ppl say they think you should try to repair the relationship and communicate w them..

[vorejuiceguzzler]

thinking abt laios touden.................. autism man my beloved

[g0lightly]

tinfoil-encrusted brienne/sansa "foreshadowing" that makes me feral

so i love the blog @jonsaforeshadowing bc i think it's such a fun look at shipper goggles in this fandom regardless of your thoughts on that particular ship. while i do not ship j*nsa i think it's healthy to remember how absurd shipping in asoiaf is even if (especially if?) you are a shipper! largely bc like... what do we even think of as endgame in this series? being married? we know not everyone who marries in a feudal system even likes the person they're married to. also... pretty much anyone could die! and so many characters are thematically linked in significant ways that aren't necessarily romantic! so i think there's a ceiling on how sure anyone can be of any ship being endgame. especially since we may never get another main series book lmfao! so just want to be clear that i'm not coming at this from an angle of knowing better than people who prefer other ships, we are all equally right and wrong unless/until the series is completed IMO.

in that spirit i wanted to post my own niche shipper theories in wildly varying degrees of seriousness about brienne/sansa because i believe in gay ships' right to be as delusional as straight ships. mostly for fun but i'd being lying if i said i don't hope you read this and think "oh i never thought of them together but this eats! i should start shipping the one true pairing briensa and also read tumblr user g0lightly's post-canon fanfic mostly about them on AO3 🤔" while they’re my otp, I want to be clear that I only ship them as adults.

starting strong with the dumbest one: brienne's ancestor dunk has a romance with rohanne webber, a redheaded woman who has had several husbands/betrotheds die on her and eventually marries a lannister like sansa. i know ppl say this is about jaime bc rohanne is his great-grandmother but in the spirit of getting silly with "foreshadowing" jaime is now a sansa stand-in for the purposes of this post 🙂‍↕️

in AGOT sansa i, sansa says that joffrey is "so gallant, she thought. The way he had rescued her from Ser Ilyn and the Hound, why, it was almost like the songs, like the time Serwyn of the Mirror Shield saved the Princess Daeryssa from the giants..." as ned later points out, joffrey is nothing like the knights of the songs sansa dreams of. littlefinger's sigil is a giant. serwyn is one letter off from selwyn, brienne's father's name. perhaps brienne will help sansa get away from littlefinger.

mirroring (ha) the above point, in AFFC brienne vii, randyll tarly gives a whole speech to brienne about how he thinks her father would rather have a living daughter than a "shattered shield." while i think the shattered shield imagery in this text (also in F&B when jaehaerys has saera's lover executed and in ACOK sansa vi when cersei talks about highborn ladies' "golden shield" against SA) represents a "ruined" woman, i think the imagery is also evocative of a mirror shield.

in AGOT sansa vi, sansa reads about aemon the dragonknight, florian and jonquil, lady shella and her rainbow knight. sansa is related to lady shella whent and in ACOK brienne becomes a rainbow knight for renly's kingsguard. i can see brienne mirroring aemon the dragonknight in the sense that she and sansa would have a forbidden love like aemon and naerys but for different reasons.

in ACOK sansa ii, sansa prays for a true knight and a friend to champion her. of course, she gets dontos as her "florian" instead and learns that life is not a song. later in catelyn ii, catelyn meets brienne who later swears herself to bringing sansa to safety. catelyn notes her similarities to sansa. brienne is also connected to jonquil through her maidenpool chapters; does this mean sansa will end up with a jonquil rather than a florian? perhaps a jonquil darke type? idk but i want to believe!

also in ACOK, both brienne and sansa hang onto bloody kingsguard cloaks that were technicaly supposed to belong to barristan selmy. i have written about this in far greater detail here and here.

jaime is a sansa stand-in because they are both maiden-coded and called kingslayers (this is a deeply unserious point btw)

speaking of jaime, his attraction to brienne mirrors sansa's possible attraction to mya. both sansa and jaime are conventionally attractive characters used to being praised for conforming to their gender roles reckoning with the beauty of a gender-nonconforming woman when they have come to understand their own beauty through a conventional framework. i have also written about this in greater detail.

both sansa and brienne are paired up with a lannister twin who holds the gendered societal role they aspire to (queen and knight of the kingsguard, respectively). their respective lannister twins show them the dark reality of those roles while brienne and sansa fight to remain hopeful.

famous lesbian rhaena targaryen was too gay with larissa velaryon so larissa got shipped off to marry the second son of tarth. she also had a favorite from the vale named alayne royce. she also had a red-haired, mail-wearing favorite named melony piper - kind of like an inverse of brienne and sansa visually. her true love, elissa farman, was from fair isle which is kind of like the west coast version of tarth; they also had the same age difference as brienne and sansa. rhaena was the eldest sister, like sansa, and dealt with a lot of loss in her life due in no small part to the strength of her claim making her a sought-after bride. i am aware this proves nothing but i do seriously think rhaena is the in-universe historic figure sansa is most like. gay sansa confirmed!!!!!!!! (jk... unless...)

and finally, i present what is either my most tinfoil hat theory or my oh-shit-i-cracked-the-code theory: brienne is foreshadowed to be the next bearer of the hound's helm so when GRRM said there's "something there" with sansa and the hound, he was actually talking about brienne and sansa :) if you enjoy the idea of sansa finding love and beauty in a brave, gentle, strong protector figure with low self-esteem whose face is covered in scars but you also (very reasonably!) hate the idea of her ending up with a man who held her at knifepoint and tried to SA her when she was a child, may i suggest hound!brienne x sansa? again, on an age appropriate timeline!

and if you're curious what i mean by hound!brienne foreshadowing and shattered shield references, i've included my running list of quotes, an analysis of those quotes, and a conclusion below the cut bc this post is long! TW for canon-typical references to sexual violence.

i think the references to brienne being "the hound with teats" and later references to the hound cutting off women's teats may connect to pretty meris, a sellsword with the windblown who is theorized to represent what GRRM had planned for brienne after the five year skip. quentyn notes that it's said that men cut meris' breasts off. if this hardened sellsword is some version of GRRM's original five year gap plan for brienne, who's to say that she won't be the hound instead of a sellsword in the forthcoming books? but that's assuming we'll get more books lmao.

the threat of SA is uncomfortably present in brienne's AFFC chapters. whether or not brienne experiences the types of gendered violence mentioned above, i think that the hound's helm would provide brienne with safety from that threat of SA on the road. for male characters, on the other hand, it may just draw more attention from people who wish to kill the hound for (mostly) rorge's crimes. there is a lot of talk across the books and across POVs about the hound being dead. you get tyrion describing him as dead after the blackwater when we know that's not true, septon meribald (which kinda sounds like meris now that i think of it 🤔) tells brienne that he is dead, jaime talks a lot with the freys and lannisters about killing the hound. there's also a lot of talk about the hound killing other people, namely brienne and sansa.

since it's all but confirmed that sandor clegane is now the gravedigger on the quiet isle rather than the hound, i think that "death" in the context of the hound is about letting your old self die so that the new you may be born. brienne needs to let her rigid ideals about what it means to be a knight die and sansa needs to let her rigid ideals about what it means to be a lady die. i think that lady's death at least partly symbolizes the fact that sansa can be a perfect lady and still face dire consequences through no fault of her own. and for brienne, she will most likely learn through lady stoneheart that not all oaths can be kept.

some people take the below quote as romantic foreshadowing for sansa and sandor. i take it to mean that to sansa, sandor and his cloak represent the opportunity she had to escape the life of a dutiful lady in a castle. perhaps brienne will wear the hound's helm when she rescues sansa, and sansa will give her the hound's cloak -- brienne's very own kingsguard cloak -- to complete the "uniform" of the hound.

i also want to offer my debunk to the idea that sansa keeping sandor's cloak is marriage imagery. sandor does not give his cloak to sansa, he does not put it over her shoulders as is done in a wedding ceremony. he leaves it on the ground because he does not want to be a member of the kingsguard anymore. sansa chooses to wrap herself in the kingsguard cloak. to me, this signifies her growing disillusionment in the systems set up to keep her safe and the autonomy she has to leave that system. perhaps she will be brave enough to ask brienne to take her away from the eyrie (or wherever she ends up) when they meet (again, assuming we get more books lmao).

i think it's relevant that sandor's place in the kingsguard - and by extension, the cloak as a symbol - had originally belonged to barristan selmy. i did a thread on this in relation to true knighthood and brienne if you're interested in reading more. sansa has a heroic deed in common with barristan selmy that also involves the hound in ACOK: like barristan, she saved dontos hollard from execution by a cruel king that she was sworn to. sansa was sworn to joffrey as his betrothed and barristan was sworn to aerys as a member of his kingsguard. i'm not even anti-sandor, i just don't think that his redemption arc needs to or should include the girl he held at knifepoint falling in romantic love with him.

to conclude with my point about characters having deep ties within the text not necessarily equaling romantic foreshadowing, i want to acknowledge that i don't think brienne and sansa need to have a romantic relationship for these textual connections to be meaningful. one way another i think these two are meant to be important to one another's stories. however i think that putting these two together romantically would be a beautiful way to tie together some key themes (gender, true knighthood, romanticism, idealism) and set up some really interesting character development.

however the romantic in me loves the idea of the aemon the dragonknight figure in sansa's life being a woman, specifically brienne who has sworn to defend her without even knowing her. they're both women, so there's nothing for brienne to gain from sansa's claim and nothing for sansa to gain from brienne's claim. brienne is the gentle, brave, and strong person ned wanted for sansa and catelyn sent her in sansa's direction and i think that's beautiful okay :')

[gilfmobile]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright you know what? I'm done being quiet.

Let's go over what happened shall we?

We were in a relationship for 6 months and for the latter 2 you remained quiet while contemplating to break up. What you should have done was to communicate like an adult.

2. A month prior to our breakup, the day of my therapy you asked me how the therapy went and i replied it was a rough week because of my PTSD, to which you sent a very harsh reply saying "yeah you have many triggers" and that you cannot ask me anything.

Which came as a complete surprise to me because I had always tried my best to communicate effectively. I then asked if you wanted to breakup due to the tone of the message. You replied you aren't happy with me and that I have no future plans (which weren't true, but you rejected what i offered. god forbid a person doesn't have their life figured out). Now, this caused me to hyperventilate because it was too much on top of my therapy! Regardless I expected an honest answer. You replied that you in fact do not wish to break up because you love me.

3. Fast forward to Valentine's day (aka month 6), I get you gifts and you seem excited and happy. Nothing seems amiss, except you message me saying you aren't feeling well and I ask you if you're crying over your 10-year-crush rejection situation still and you are surprised that i seem aware of it.

You hadn't really gotten me a gift but i had expected us to have a nice day together that day. Despite that i want to be supportive and understanding and i agree to do valentine's day on the 15th with you and give you the space you need.

The next day you message me saying you need a break from the relationship and we have a phone call. During this conversation you admit you can't promise to get back together and i tell you this is indeed a breakup and i am of course heartbroken.

You ask to go no-contact for a month and i unfollow your social media so i can try to move on. Now during this time i was the owner a resident evil discord server and i can't think of any option but to kick you from there to respect the no-contact. A day or two after this happens, you message me saying you are sad that this happened for which i am also sad but try to explain i had no other choice.

4. Just as the one month ends, like clockwork, you message me a "i am sorry" because you hadn't intended to hurt me which i appreciated. I try to explain to you that i needed more time apart and can't promise on a time frame in which we can go back to hanging out as friends (it was rather naive to think this could happen in the first place).

You get angry and tell me i am portraying you as some kind of "heartless monster" (your words not mine) just because i told you i couldn't stop crying and that you were also crying daily for "pushing away someone that truly cares about you". I simply try to make you understand this isn't the case and I am only explaining my feelings.

5. Guess that goes over your head because a week later you make a callout post on twitter about getting "kicked from the discord server" that you "live in".

Now this makes me feel betrayed and hurt. Why wouldn't you message me privately and discuss instead of making it a problem to complete strangers on the internet? (and yes i did from time to time check your social media because hello! i was heartbroken and missed you).

I then decide that i need advice if i should cut contact with you because this behavior, frankly, is quite immature and was too much to handle on top of all the heartbreak for me. I reach out to a mutual friend and they do confirm that i should cut contact with you if i can't feel like we can remain friends.

I send you a dm after this, to which you reply with a voice message that 9 ppl are also dm'ing you and you will get back to me when you can. You also somehow in your mind equated to ending a relationship out of the blue with getting kicked from a discord server.

I have questions in my head that need answering so i message again:

-Why have you told our friends we were on a break and not broken up? Why are you reflecting the situation differently?

-Why were you still sending me explicit photos of yourself 4 days before our breakup if you had been contemplating for 2 months?

And that basically I cannot keep my promise to stay in your life because of your current behavior.

Part of me wished we could actually have a level-headed conversation and sort things out.

6. You take forever to reply, and send one long very aggressive message and block me after so there's no repercussion for you.

The message includes:

-You have decided to "walk away" and that you were staying in my life because I had abandonment trauma and that you were basically doing me a favor when in reality you had told me you didn't want to lose me and asked me to stay in your life. (Also abandonment trauma means you leave before people have a chance to do so, not beg them to stay in your life)

-That i was basically playing victim and I had played victim my whole life against my "hateful family" to protect myself. Which couldn't be further from the truth because that's not it works to be in life-threatening situations.

-You in the message basically told me that the biggest gift for me was you visiting me and paying for my travel fare and offering to pay for a few meals. (Which might i mention is something super rude to tell anyone in any situation). I had done the same for you and you had even stayed at my place.

Now it's true that i felt like your gift planning felt more like afterthoughts but i hadn't really cared too much about that.. what mattered to me was having you in my life. And you mentioning that i cared not that you visited me and it meant nothing could also be nothing farther from the truth. It had meant everything to me.

Anyway so you blocked me and i set out to move on.

7. Your blog popped up on my friend's dash and guess what? It was a personal message about me so of course my curiosity peaked and i checked your blog aswell. What do i find? A bunch more posts about myself and you expressing regret over your handle of the situation.

I don't do anything and try to keep moving on. (Part of me still wishes maybe she wants to have a conversation to have closure)

8. Fast forward to july, just a few days before i'm posting this i get an anon ask that basically says "Are you haunting me or am I haunting you?". I think to myself is this my ex. Does she want to reach out maybe? So i send you a message asking that if you want to talk, i'm giving us a chance to find closure and if you were that anon.

You reply in anger (big shocker), basically telling me you have nothing to say to me rudely and to that i reply okay so be it then I wish you happiness in life.

And i do truly wish you happiness in life, never truly understood your need to paint either of us as the villain here. Never have I thought of you as a "monster" as you have tailored in your mind.

It is however ironic that you should use the words "Go haunt some other fool" right after telling me you were in fact not the anon.

I was never one for dramatics, or for sharing personal things online but this was the final straw for me.

I am closing our chapter here. Best wishes to you.

[rayasland]

I'm sorry but your post about Aging Up characters delegitimises hundreds upon thousands of fanfictions across all fandoms and is a ridiculous ask. You're basically asking all fans to only write about the adult characters in NSFW situations - even if the teen character is now an adult in the fic??? So we can't explore how the teen now struggles with life as an adult, including new adventures or settings, because its somehow problematic??? I can assure you authors aren't picturing kids when writing Aged Up fics, the point and the intent is to explore how they'd function in different/challenging situations, not if their homework needs to be in on time. I understand your intent- you're coming at this topic from a place of worry- but bullying fanfic writers is just going to silence all forms of fandom. We're cannibalising each other enough as it is, and your words are doing more harm than good

uve completely got it all wrong. ur saying u understand but ur sending this long ass paragraph and that says otherwise. im actually getting pissed.

how is bringing attention to smth thats been happening for a while now gonna be labelled as “bullying..?” a bit confusing. im not forcing no one to stop writing abt minors, if u wanna live ur life writing about kids despite knowing its pedophilic, do as u wish. like i said im 1. bringing to light how wrong it is 2. seeing how many ppl will agree. im not bullying anyone either so idk wtf ur on abt. all i can say abt that is that u must be real fucking sensitive if u think that was bullying bro. cannot wait to see how u react to real life bullying!

i cant even lie how u gon write a paragraph of pure yap😭😭

its okay to write kid characters experiencing real life things that could happen to literally anyone(non-sexual), i never said u couldnt. whats not okay and what i completely disagree on is blatantly writing porn about them. "i understand your intent!" mm sure, and i understand what you’re saying is that its okay to write them having sex?? bc it's something that they can "explore as an adult"? you’re okay with a child experiencing that? regardless of whether they're real or not??? honestly you’re js trying to justify ur weird ass behaviour and its as clear as day. also… tbh, why r u acting as if sexual activities are the only ways a minor aged up as an adult can explore or wtf that means??? pretty sure theres a million other ways so maybe get ur mind out of the gutter.

tf was the point of that message? that why you asked anonymously? bc YOU YOURSELF know posting that is pedophilic behavior disguised behind ur so called moral ambiguity by bringing in other shit that only justifies writing porn about A CHILD??

u wanna be dramatic about "bullying fanfic writers," "cannibalizing each other," and my words doing more harm than good? how about you get a fucking life you self righteous pedophile. like okay, sure fine we'll let it slide. and then we should let real-person fictional literature porn about a child slide. and then we should let porn videos and drawings of little kids slide. and then we should normalize minor + adult relationships so that everyone can have a chance regardless of their age because experiencing something is better because it makes both parties understand!

in all forms!! incest, pedophilic, power imbalances, rape from randoms on the street, in our schools, in the transports, out in public, in private, in our homes, when we're young! when we're old! when we don't know what's between anyone else's legs! they a boy? they a girl? they both? they none? even better! honestly if ur reading that kinda shit and r actually getting off to it, please seek help. and if u STILL after reading all this have no idea why its not okay, use google or read the comments and reblogs on the actual post and go talk nonsense at them bc im not going to be responding to whatever bs u have to say in response.

[tau1tvec]

I hope it's okay to talk to you here. I feel that so many people compare themselves to others and feel bad because of that, that's so awful. I have also this feeling like, I do something, it's so nice, but I feel so bad after I see other people did such a great stuff. It's sad because I even wanted to leave simblr for good. I don't even know how to fight this feeling. I'm sorry and I hope you have a nice day and feel much better than me rn. <3

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament, anon, it's tough being a dark place like this and not knowing how to get out, and tbh I don't think there's any one successful, let alone easy way of doing so.

One thing I will say for sure however, is that this is a completely regular human feeling a lot of people experience, all the time. How you're going to recognize it, and work through it is what you should be focusing on. We certainly do not want to let negative thoughts mess with how we feel when we're in a situation like this, bc it can cause us to make rash, and unproductive decisions, but sometimes the best thing we can do is accept that a lot of the negativity around the issue is probably related to something bigger we're dealing with, but also the act itself.

Removing yourself from the situation all together for a time, if it's making you that upset, is never a terrible idea. Taking some time away from online spaces, and finding something else to focus on for a time, be it catching up on your watch list, or spending time outdoors can offer you the clarity you need to find out what it is exactly that's upsetting you, and what needs to be done to help you through it in the future.

The one thing ppl tend to forget about social media is that in the end all be all, it's a communal space, whose sole purpose is prioritize clicks, and ads. You're going to have to share this space with other ppl, your content is going to have to share this space with other content, even content that might make you feel bad, you have to be willing to use the tools this site and third party tools give you to make this place safer for you, and for others, bc as much as it hurts to tell you this, the majority of ppl on here, aren’t going to know how or when they need to accommodate for you, and you'd be swimming against the current trying to get them to, and although I, and many others do our best to do what we can, ppl cannot, and should not be expected to stop posting their content, just bc it makes yours feel like it pales in comparison, especially since that's just what you see, not what others see when they consume and appreciate your content regardless of how you feel about it.

Lemme reiterate, I've been there, I still go there, but I've accepted that it's tied to my mental health, and my imposter syndrome, and my past trauma, and those are all my responsibility to contend with, and I'd be a hell of a hypocrite to say that bc myself or my content feels inferior to me or compared to someone else, that it's suddenly somehow their problem too?

It's not, bc I know without a doubt someone has felt this about me and/or my content at some point in my life too, bc this is a regular human feeling, everyone feels, at some point in their life. The only difference is how we deal with it, and whether we let it define us, and everything we do.

[freedomfireflies]

Hey! Hello!! I know this is not a place or like time or we don't even know each other but i wanna hear your opinion on a issue of mine. Like I had a crush on a boy, super super popular guy seems super kind and nice and like everybody loved him in hs and he had many, i mean manyyyy gfs like he has slept w lotta girls as well. Even there was a joke indicating if a female (regardless of age) has blue eyes and long hair then he's gonna go for her. There were bunch of rumors idk some rich popular cheerleader girl lost her v card to him or like this teacher slept w him or that mother of student did too - anyway you get me? He's nice and goodlooking, kind and also super premouscious, too (which is okay but since i loved him + he is someone I can't have so I hate em, so stings me so so bad) and even tho nobody knew of my crush ppl my friends would come to my table n flat out gossip. So without wanting, I heard lotta crap. Now I am in collage, a different county only a few ppl I know from high-school and including him ppl aren't here w me. But I still hear some old or new stuff (sex parties his kinks like It's like ppl have no life) and one of his ex g (which he dated for real I saw) is here w me but i don't even approach to her or talk or say congratulations when she does something I'm just not fan of her and leave ppl who talk of her how she's grate or something. Soooo what I wanna ask is that I get super angry It's like I hate him suddenly hate the girls he saw and just get so anygru and hateful. I tried not move on bijjilian times but failed and can't even like somebody else like i sleep w them but can't grow feelings. What do u think i should do?

I completely understand this feeling! It’s crazy how sometimes we get crushes that just absolutely consume us! We build the person up in our head until they’re practically a celebrity. Untouchable and revered! And it gets to a place where we can’t separate who they really are from who we built them up to be!!

As cheesy as this sounds, time will help! Distance will help! Finding something new to “fixate” on, too! Be gentle with yourself, understand that a lot of times, it’s not a choice we made but something chemical! And it’s okay to feel infatuated with them!!

Sometimes this can just be a part of life, and it absolutely sucks but it’s okay to have a crush on him! And it’s okay to feel jealous, sometimes we can’t help it!!

I know this isn’t a lot of help but truly, allow yourself to like him, and with time, it’ll feel less and less strong. You’ll surround yourself with other things and people, and you won’t even remember how much you liked him before!!

[genshinobsession]

About the sentience au, i have no idea if u take request/ consider ideas so feel free to ignore

I got some thoughts so i hope u don't mind me ranting here hehe

But here's the thing, if the character somehow got to our world and found out that their life was created by someone for ppl to pass time and entertain themselves, what would be their reaction to the fandom (fics, ships, reader insert stuff, fanart and other fan made stuff), the creator (and them getting profit or being responsible for their suffering and creating them the way they are? Like flaws/ appearance/ personality n that shit), the gatcha, other characters that they knew, and just generally to the whole thing about them being a fictional character from a game in a different world

Thank you for coming to my ted talk <3

Sentience Au

characters included:

Diluc,Kaeya,Zhongli

(More is coming after, I just didn’t want there to be do much scrolling to get to the character you want)

Diluc

“So, what you’re saying is I’m from a video game, and I am a very desired character. And because of this many people draw pictures of me.” He asks, standing with his hand on his chin as he tried to process this.

You nodded and you got your phone and looked up a simple

“Diluc fanart”

And showed him the results.

He was a little put off now knowing that there were so many people watching him at all times. Not only were they were watching him but they liked him enough to draw him.

“Well, they all are very talented, but why is this one titled ‘Daddy Diluc’ with my shirt off?” He asked, and you snatched your phone from a him as quick as possible and closed out of whatever file or photo album he scrolled to.

With a nervous laugh you turned back to him hiding your phone, not wanting to admit to what he had seen.

“How about we look at some fanfics instead.” You suggested, changing tabs on your phone. You showed him the Tumblr thread as he began to scroll.

“And these are-?” He asked as he looked back at you.

“Stories about you and other characters, or somethings you and the person reading. Those are called self inserts.” You explained, he nodded, slightly understanding until he had scrolled to an NSFW story.

“What does NSFW stand for?” He asked, you shot up from your chair and smacked the phone out of his hand as quickly as possible.

“Okay maybe that’s not a good idea either.” You laughed nervously again as Diluc stared at you curiously. As far as he was concerned NSFW was just a couple of meaningless letters thrown together, but your reaction makes him think it was obviously more than that.

“How about I explain it this way. Because you’re a very desired character, many people are attracted to you,” You began. He nodded, understanding.

“myself included,” you mumbled, he didn’t catch it so you cleared your throat and continued.

“Many of them make art of you and other characters together and more often than not it’s because of a ship.”

Right at that moment you completely lost him. He looked at you confused,

“What do boats have anything to do with this?” He asked, his eyebrows were furrowed together as he tried to think of a logical way that a mode of water transport would have anything to do with him and other characters.

“No no, this kind of ship is a pairing of you and another character, like a relationSHIP.”

Diluc nodded in response,

“So wait, people pair me with other characters? Like who?” He asked, you sighed knowing the question was going to come up sooner or later.

“Well-“ you began as you listed off every person he had been shipped with. As you went on Dilucs face began to contort out of confusion and slight disgust.

“Just... don’t ask and we can both forget about it.” You suggested and he nodded in agreement.

“Gladly.”

Kaeya

“Well this is... interesting.” The blue haired man muttered as he had scrolled through the object that he held in his hands.

He had just seen it lying face up on the counter and his curiosity got the better of him.

And he was very surprised by what he saw.

Just, pages and pages and pages of him in different poses with different people, in varying levels of... intensity.

He was very confused at first, unsure of how to respond but as he wen through he realized each post had a red heart underneath it.

What could that possibly mean?

As he scrolled through he eventually got into the works of writing, all with the same ‘Kaeya x reader’ underneath their titles.

Before he could scroll any farther he heard the door creak open as you walked into the room with a warm joyous smile on your face.

Well until you saw Kaeya with your phone.

“Kaeya, why do you have my phone?” You asked, he looked down at the bright object then back at you.

“So that’s what it’s called, well you did just leave it open so I decided to have a look.” He admitted with a shrug.

You quickly snatched it from him and looked at it realizing he had been through all your posts that you had saved under the label ‘Kaeya’.

Your heart pace quickened out of embarrassment,

“How much did you see?” You asked, he chuckled and moved closer to you, he lightly lifted you chin so you’d look at him, he leaned into your ear and whispered,

“You seem to like me in some interesting positions.” He teased, and let go of your face.

You covered your face, not wanting to look at him.

“Oh, don’t be shy now, its quite cute that you like me that much. I find it, oddly endearing.” He admitted, patting your head lightly.

You finally took your head out of your hands as you looked up at him. He smiled at you as he leaned in close to your face yet again.

“Although, you should be more careful about having your ‘phone’ open to such a... suggestive image.” He teased yet again as you backed up from your face and walked out of the room.

You looked down at your phone which screen has been dimmed a bit, as you raised the brightness you saw a picture of Kaeya you definitely would not be able to unsee for a long while.

Zhongli

Zhongli is definitely a fan of stories,

But the stories he found were definitely not the ones he had in mind.

You didn’t know how to explain to Zhongli that he’s from a game and people all over the internet love and adore him, without showing him.

He doesn’t even know what technology is, let alone the fact people use it to create artwork of him.

“Traveler, I apologize if this is a bit odd, but I saw you looking at some paintings of me on your phone item. How do you have so many? Did you make them also yourself? You’re quite talented if so.” He asked, as you looked from him, to your phone, then back up to him.

He was just patiently standing infront of you, waiting for an answer.

You sighed slightly as you put down whatever you were doing and grabbed your phone.

“Oh, I’m sorry, was that not something I was supposed to bring up?” He asked, confused by your reaction.

You shook your head as you patted the spot next to you, gesturing for him to sit down next to him.

“No no, you were going to find out sooner or later.” You said as he politely sat down next to you and faced you, ready to listen to whatever story or explanation you were going to give him.

As you explained he asked a few questions, which you answered as best you could.

After you explained how the world Zhongli came from was not exactly real, he was just a character in a video game, and because of that, many people around the world love him and make things to show their love and appreciation for him.

He nodded, trying to understand,

“Well that’s definitely not what I expected. I’ve always had some sort of following but this, admittedly was not what I expected. So all of these people know about Rex Lapis?” He asked, to which you nodded in response.

“I see, well. There’s not much I can to about it now I suppose.” He said, turning back to you with a slight sigh. All the effort putting into hiding and it was, somewhat for nothing.

Liyue was going to have to learn how to be on their own regardless, so leaving wasn’t going to affect them to much, which was comforting to him.

“Thank you, traveler, for answering my question. I understand it was probably hard to explain this to me but I believe I understand now.” He thanked, you nodded accepting it and smiled at him.

However, your smile faltered when you saw Zhongli so lost in thought. You supposed it was because he basically left behind the only thing he’s every known.

You lightly put your hand on his shoulder, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Hey, Why don’t we make some tea, I feel like you’d want to try these flavours.” You said, as he looked back over to you, he recognized this as a way to cheer him up and appreciated it.

“That would be wonderful.”

(Next part coming out is ‘they escape Part 2 pocket edition’)

-Birdy

[depression-culture-is]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Hi, dear. I can definitely see why you'd be upset! I honestly think you handled the situation well - you communicated your feelings with him and you apologised for your behaviour when you realised you were in the wrong, and from what I've heard, he had a lot to apologise for that he chose not to as well. It isn't your fault, so don't beat yourself up over it.

If blocking him helps you to move on, you do that. He's chosen not to forgive you, and that is completely fine as well, but it means that the chances of you having a decent relationship with him at this point are slim. There's nothing more you can do.

Sounds like he wouldn't have been the best of partners for you anyways, if I'm being honest. Regardless of your behaviour, calling you selfish for speaking up about the abuse you went through is never okay. Take your time and find someone who's going to treat you with respect at all times, even when things are hard (though that goes both ways).

That's not to say you aren't allowed to show that you're angry. It's more that you shouldn't take jabs at personal things (things they can't control) when you're upset.

When you feel yourself getting angry, particularly if you say hurtful things during those moments, take a time out, grab a drink of water and then address the issue when you're level headed again. I know this can be hard, but it truly is easier than making things worse because you've said something in the heat of the moment that you don't mean.

I don't have much advice other than that, sorry. I hope things get easier!

-Milo

[themilky-way]

honey {din djarin}

gif credit: gameraboy1 on tumblr

pairing: din djarin/the mandalorian x female! reader

summary: the mandalorian never really cared for romance. he had never wanted it in his life, but some things are bound to change, right?

warnings: um nothing just fluff i think lmao 

author’s note: idk how many more ppl my heart can stan bc sir pedro pascal is adorable as fuck. in my mandalorian feels too lol i miss mando

-------

the sky set out in front of the razor crest was changing colors with every passing minute. a dark orange red adorning its surroundings first, and then switching to a deeper hue of orange and violet. the air around the ship was strong enough to cause some turbulence, which made the small green child aboard to yelp suddenly. 

the mandalorian, captain and designated owner of the crest, turned his helmet to see if it was alright, and when he determined he wasn’t hurt or in pain, he turned the cold stare his visor gave off back onto the controls in front of him. his chair, the pilot’s chair, was positioned directly ahead of the large front view window and he fingered with the buttons and screens for a while until he set a safe planet to land on. 

the mandalorian heard the child giggle again, but this time it wasn’t because the ship was shaking. he heard a pair of boots tread light footsteps from behind him before stopping near the child. he looked at the crib through the corner of his eyes, the action covered by the safety of his helmet, and saw a figure near it. a shadowed hand extended to pet the baby’s head, the coos growing louder with joy. his eyes turned back to look at the scene in front of him, his hands gripping the joystick just a little tighter. 

“din?” the voice behind it is faint, questioning. he doesn’t let himself look at you though, because he knows that if he just merely glances at you for half a second, he’ll drop every one of his morals. instead, all he does is force a noise from the bottom of his throat to respond. 

“you should go to bed,” you suggest. in your mind, you’re laughing at how stupid the phrase had sounded. you, a regular person with only minor knowledge in martial arts, telling a mandalorian to do something? a complete and utter joke. 

regardless, din knew what you meant. but words weren’t his thing; they never had been. so his eyes stayed planted straight ahead and just shook his head, muttering, “i’m fine.”

“no you’re not. i can take over for a couple hours. believe it or not, i’m more qualified in flying a ship than actual combat,” you assured, laughing slightly as you said the last part. you hoped that underneath that strong, emotionless armor he wore he was smiling. even the smallest curve of his lips would satisfy you, realizing that he was capable of feeling something, anything. 

you watched as din pushed a couple buttons at the colorful panel in front of him, hearing a whirring sound when a gloved finger gave a final press to a red disk. he got up, and with a gradual pace began walking over to where his cabin dwelled, and without shifting his helmet to look at you, said, “come with me.”

it sent shivers through you; your arms, your legs, the nape of your neck, they rushed cold when the sound of his words entered your system. you looked down at the child, which had a perplexed look on its face, and reached out to you with a tiny finger. you grabbed it gently, and whispered, “i know, weird right? i’ll be right back, okay honey?” the child made a noise of approval and you shook his finger lightly before letting go, striding over to where din was. 

when you got there, din was standing next to his bed with his back to you, and looking at a small shelf hung from his wall. you stood in the doorway, your hands neatly clasped together behind you, and you watched him. watched him as his hands laid rigid at his sides, his body tense like it always stood. his back, in particular, was where you believed he had the most pain, and you wished he would finally allow you to run your hands through his strained muscles to grant him some form of comfort. but the mandalorian couldn’t agree to this, regardless if he knew of your will to do it or not, for personal reasons. he respected his creed, and you respected him, so you never pushed boundaries you knew would make him uncomfortable. so once again, you pushed the idea of touching him to the back of your mind. 

“stop staring,” he ordered. his voice was rough, raspy from hardly ever speaking, yet when he directed himself at you, it had a slight tinge of tenderness. it surprised you, and even more so to him. 

“i’m not-yeah, um, okay, sorry,” you stuttered. heat rose to your cheeks and you scolded yourself for barely being able to talk right, but who could blame you? a mandalorian was making you blush without even realizing it. 

“why am i here?”

“i need to give you something.” he turns around then, and your breath catches in your throat. you’re never used to him. the effect he seems to have on you and you wonder, deep in your mind, if he ever notices. dyn lifts his palm up then, holding up an item too small and obscure in color for you to know what it is. “come,” he says. 

you start walking towards him, stopping right in front of him and close enough that he has to peer down through his helmet to see your face. “give me your hand.”

you do, too quickly for your liking, but he takes it in his gloved one lightly and rubs your palm softly with his thumb. it was instinctive to him, to touch you in such a delicate way. the action itself poured out of him without thinking, and it caught both of you off guard. how is it, that the man who belongs to one of the most merciless creeds in the galaxy, is touching me so beautifully?, you wonder. in a matter of seconds, as if he read your mind, his thumb stops moving along your skin, and places the item into your hand. 

extending it with both hands and bringing it up closer for inspection, you learn that it’s a bracelet. it’s a thin band of shiny white gold, much like his armor, and it’s decorated with multiple lavender butterfly charms all around. it’s elegant, graceful, a striking contrast to his own lifestyle. wrapping it around your wrist to clasp it, you find that it fits perfectly, recognizing that he must’ve gone into a shop during one of your many stops and had it custom made. 

“din...it’s so gorgeous. how did you-where did you ge-”

“let me help you,” he cuts you off suddenly. he doesn’t want you to ask him the question because he doesn’t want to answer it. he doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t find you annoying anymore, he doesn’t find himself scurrying to hide in his cabin when you appear, he doesn’t dislike you at all now. it’s the opposite. maybe even more than that. 

“yeah, please. thanks.” you turn your wrist so the clasps are exposed to him, and his fingers work quickly to hook the clips together. once he’s finished, he lets his hand linger a little on yours, hesitantly almost, and you observe him. your eyes dart from his hands to back up to his visor to try and get some sort of feeling out of him. you watch as he begins to move his pointer finger from the base of your wrist down to the very tip of your middle finger. the cold leather of his glove tickles your hand a little and you smile. a childish, innocent smile. you can’t see him, but he smiles with you. the image of you like this, giggling like the baby right inside the cockpit of his ship, makes him happier than he’s ever been. 

with a sudden wave of confidence, you direct to him. “you can hold it, you know,” you voice softly, “it’s alright.”

your courage dissipates as soon as the words leave your mouth. maybe you’ve made a mistake in advising him to partake in such an intimate action. perhaps you were dreaming, this whole scene a mere conjuring of your own touch starved mind. it could also be that din didn’t even want to touch you at all, and you’ve placed him in an uncomfortable position he now has to escape from. 

but, suddenly, your hand is interlocking with his. the size of his hand envelops your own, and through the leather of his glove, it sends sparks flying in every direction. he feels warm, and through the material of his mitt, you can also feel the different shapes of his callouses. this completes him, fills him to the brim with joy; with something far stronger than liking and closer to that of desire. he tightens his grip on your hand, and you reciprocate. you drop your interlocked hands down, and your free hand starts to lightly play with the fingers of his other one. you’re smiling, a dent on your cheek forming. 

“what is it?” din asks, and you laugh. that sweet-like-honey, angelic laugh that makes his heart nearly stumble out of his chest. 

“nothing. i just like the way your hand fits in mine.”

[that-one-loz-nerd]

This is gonna be a long post so I'll put it under the cut. Basically, I started college at the start of September and it was a real rough time for me because it was so hard to get used to it. Hell, I'm still not fully used to it. So, I'm gonna create a little list of tips for y'all who have started college.

Note: I'm talking about further education NOT higher education. This is mainly for British ppl or those who have a college system that isn't uni

1. It's okay to feel overwhelmed or stressed when you first start - regardless of whether you enjoyed secondary school (like I did) or didn't, college is a major shift. At least 80% of first year students in college will be feeling the same, so don't feel like it's your fault or that you're alone.

2. Speak to someone - If you've been feeling stressed or anxious about college, speak to someone about it. Whether it's your parents, siblings, pets or a form of student support, talk to someone you trust about your worries. It really helps.

3. Find out where student support is - speaking of student support, it's important to make sure you know how to contact them and where to find them. Their job is to help students like you through stress about college life, so don't feel bad about going to them for a quick chat.

4. Do stuff you enjoy - it's hard to talk to people immediately, especially if you think the anxiety will pass over time. If you start to feel anxious or overwhelmed, go play your favourite game, watch your comfort series or anything you enjoy. Most of the time you'll completely forget what you were worrying about or you'll realise that you don't need to stress about the thing you're thinking about. However, if you start to feel even more stressed, speak to someone.

5. Don't worry about making friends - if you're like me, you had the vision of going in on your first day, talking to them person sitting next to you then two weeks later you've made about five friends. Life doesn't work like that. You will make friends eventually, it just doesn't happen immediately. If you see people with large groups of friends and you think "I wish I had that, how have they already made so many friends?", chances are, they're second or third year students who have had the time to make friends, or they're friends they've had since secondary school. If they have that many friends and are only in their first year, then they're an extreme extrovert, and barely any of us are extroverts. Loneliness and social axiety are common worries in college but it will pass, I promise. If you want to make friends, you'll make them somehow. If you don't, then that's fine too, you do what you want.

6. You don't have to enjoy college - At the current moment in time, I feel pretty decent about college. I don't feel overly excited by it, but I no longer feel anxious either. A lot of people say that college was the "best time of their life", but that might not be the case for you. You don't have to live up to what the majority of society believes. If you really don't like college, don't be ashamed to drop out. This is your life, you decide what you want to do, but just know that dropping out should be your last call, not your first. Feeling a little anxious at the start of college doesn't mean it isn't for you, it just means that you need time to adjust.

7. Talk to your tutors if you're stressed about work (or anything) - I get it, it's scary meeting your tutors for the first time. However, they are there to support you. It's their job to make sure you learn, that's the point of college. If you feel overwhelmed by the work, don't afraid to talk to them about it. They would much rather you talk to them and get better rather than suffer in silence and never improve.

8. Make sure your subject choices are right for you - when you were in your last year of secondary school, you might've thought you would enjoy x, y and z subjects. However, things change over time. If your unhappy with any of your subject choices, tell your tutors. They'll help you pick the subjects that are right for you.

9. Stop comparing college to secondary school - I've done this way too many times. In fact, I still do it and I've been in college for 3 months. Secondary school and college are completely different things and comparing them will only make you feel worse. It's difficult to move on from comp, especially when the people you considered friends now seem like strangers. But don't let this get you down. If they've moved on, so can you, it takes time to move on from something that you spent around 5 years of your life doing.

10. Don't think about the future too much - even when you first start college you'll hear people talking about uni and actual working life. But don't let this get you down about the future. Life moves fast, but just focus on the now, even if it's hard.

11. Don't feel pressured to get a job - in college, a lot of people will have jobs, mostly part time. However, don't feel like you have to get one too. Get used to college life first, then you can think about getting a job. The people who do have jobs typically get way more stressed around mock and exam time, which you really don't want. If you want to get a job, that's fine. Just find one that you can fit around your studies.

12. Older people are scary and that's okay - in comp, the majority of people in your class were the same age or a year older than you. Now, you're suddenly going to the same college as adults, and that's terrifying, but don't think about it too much. If you're like me and only turned 16 a few weeks before starting college, it's okay to feel like you're not ready or old enough for college. You may be younger than a lot of people there, but that doesn't make you any less capable. You do belong at college and you are old enough, even matter if you've got some random 20 year old resitting his first year in your class, it's normal.

These tips won't work for everyone, it depends on how you feel about college. Just remember that it's okay to feel anxious, stressed or overwhelmed. A lot of big things can happen in college, just take it at your own pace and talk to someone if you feel really shit. College life can suck ass, but you'll get used to it and be like one of the cool kids someday (or you can be an introverted nerd like me:))

If you've read this far, thanks for reading and I hope at least one of these helps you! Feel free to add your own tips btw!

[curiosityjams]

re: iz*one

first of all, i wanted to say i didn’t plan on writing something about the disbandment. the past few months have been incredibly rough on my mental state to the point where i feel as if i’ve lost all sense of self. shit has been so rough for me, their disbandment being confirmed made that even worse for me. however, i realized i need to learn how to be okay with like...being open about my own emotions in a time of uncertainty and writing them out helps me in a way even if a lot of those emotions i’d rather keep private. i’ve also been going thru a time where i’m currently reevaluating this past year and everything i’ve done/felt in the past few yrs (2.5 of those years being izone’s run), so i thought i’d write something about the disbandment and what iz*one means to me, esp during this point in my life. i’d write more about what led me to this point, but if i did, i’d end up writing a whole novel, so i’m just going to keep this as short as possible.

also if this is a jumbled mess, i’m sorry!!!!

since we’re here to talk about the inevitable, i just wanted to say that i’ve probably had a harder time accepting them being gone than i thought. i knew they were gonna disband eventually bc lol produce group, but also, knowing what happened with the voting scandal and the panasonic, it makes it even worse for me. i hate that they didn’t even bother to handle their disbandment in a way that wasn’t complete horseshit. i hate how the pandora screwed everything up. i hate how we didn’t even get a proper goodbye from the girls. i knew that this was going to happen, but i fucking hate how it all turned out. i can’t say i’m 100% happy with the ending and honestly, don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully accept that they’re no longer a group. 

that said, i’m not here to vent.

while i’m obviously upset that they’re gone, the fact that they were ever a group to begin with--i’ll forever be grateful. i avoided getting into them for the longest time because of my own trauma from being involved in the 48 fandom (smth i’ll talk about at a later time bc it’s a lot), but the moment i decided to watch their “up” performance and actually give them a chance beyond looping la vie en rose, that’s when i fell in love. i fell in love with the music. i fell in love with the visuals. i fell in love with the bond between the girls. most of all, i fell in love with the fact that during a weird transitional period in my 20s, i found a group that gave me the closure i needed in a time where it felt like the world was against me while also giving me the strength i need to move on. 

while we’re on that topic, let’s talk about kwon eunbi.

as you already know from my url, eunbi is obviously my bias. she’s the leader of the group, under the company my ult group, lovelyz, is also in, and THE absolute all-rounder. she’s extremely talented, super fucking funny, a babe of THE highest order, and the best single mom you could ever ask for. every time i watch a video of iz*one’s or look at any of their pics, i’m always in absolute awe of her. while i love all of the girls (j-line has a very special place in my heart bc of my time in 48 fandom) and do consider the entire group to be one full of bias wreckers, it’s eunbi that instantly caught my eye and the one i’m incredibly proud to call my ult.

“now, drea, why is it that you’re taking so much time with talking about how special this group and that girl are to you?” well, it’s mainly because that eunbi and i are the same age (both 95-liners, but i’m older by 2 months) that i’m so drawn to not only her, but the group as well. yeah, it’s normal to be drawn to members born in your birth year, but for me and esp in this case, it’s far more complex than it seems.

around the time i got into the group, i was (still am) going thru a quarter life crisis. i had just finished my a.a., was a few months away from turning 24, and had pretty much decided i was going to take an indefinite hiatus from twitter due to the amount of harm its done to my mental health over 10 years. i felt like shit knowing that so many people my age were living their lives, getting married, having kids, etc all that shit while i felt as if i was frozen in time and like i could never accomplish any of those things because according to society, my time was up. as a woman on the autism spectrum, i never felt like anything i did was enough and knowing that even after years of trauma, the feeling that if i don’t have my entire life sorted out by 24/25 scared the living shit out of me. knowing that a panini happened made those feelings even worse. 

i know it’s weird to like...feel so many emotions over this esp since 23-25 is young and starting your career out at that age is normal. that said, knowing how eunbi was already in a group prior to joining iz*one that ended up disbanding months after they debuted, the road she took to get to where she is now, and the fact that she’s 25/26 and will get so many chances to start over is what gives me hope after such a shit year. i can finally get to where i want to be, i’ll graduate from university, i’ll hopefully get a job that will earn me enough money to move out of my mom’s house, i’ll find love, etc who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? i hate that after years of hating myself and being afraid of getting older because people often have this mentality that you should abandon all sense of yourself once you hit your mid 20s, it’s taken me THIS long to actually start accepting myself for who i am and living my life for myself, but i’m excited to see where the fuck life takes me after years of self-hatred, trauma, and trying too hard to please ppl that don’t give a shit. seeing eunbi just have a fucking blast on stage, take care of her members, and overall be the amazing person she is gave me the strength i desperately needed to actually get to the path i want to be on as someone that’s a few years away from turning 30.

as i said earlier, i’m not ready to just outright accept iz*one being gone. i’ll probably spend the entire month of may just watching their content since there’s still a shitton of stuff i have yet to watch and i’m lowkey embarrassed that as a fan, i’m admitting this, but also: there’s no time limit. i can always watch that video at another time, i’ll like that pic later, etc. i wish iz*one was one of those things that had no time limit because i’ll always cherish them, but in the 2.5 years of their existance, i achieved some big things and survived a pandemic. i left twitter, got closure in chapters i needed closure in, finished my a.a., etc among many other things during that time and it’s partly because of iz*one that i’ve pushed myself to do all of those things. it’s hard esp since it’s easier to just write smth like this on tumblr than actually do it, but the girls and their music were part of the reason why 2020 wasn’t a complete dumpster fire for me. 

most of all, i wanted to write this because i wanted to shout-out the amazing folks at @izonetwork​. i joined super late in the game, but the convos i’ve had, the laughs we’ve had on discord/among us, etc i’ll never forget it. meeting all of you was one of THE highlights of an otherwise shitty year and i’ll always credit you as one of the reasons why i wasn’t completely emotionally distant during such a dark time. all of you keep me grounded and i’m forever grateful. super honored to call you guys my friends. <3

so yeah, thank you iz*one. thank you, eunbi, sakura, hyewon, yena, chaeyeon, chaewon, minju, nako, hitomi, yuri, yujin, and wonyoung. i don’t speak korean or japanese, but know i’m eternally grateful for all the joy, strength and bops you gave me in the past 2.5 years. i’m even more grateful for the friends i’ve met thru my own fandom of the group. i’m excited to see what every single one of you does next regardless of what it may be. 

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go catch up on all the enozis i’ve missed. 

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

[dangan-happy]

Alexa, tell Monokuma that a body has been discovered. To Izuru, Kiyo and/or Taichi. [CW: Questioning masculinity] So I’m a trans guy and lately I’ve been wondering if I’m manly enough? Like. I feel like what I do isn’t manly enough?? Like I should be stronger, try doing sports and y’know. I love drawing and photography, which are things that ppl have told me are “girly” so I start feeling bad about liking them, I dunno man-- Some advice or comfort would be cool. A hug or head pat would be nice--

Hello anon, I do find it interesting that you requested me for this ask, since I'm not exactly the stereotypical picture of masculinity, but I will try my best to help you regardless. Gender is a social construct, it isn't something that's "natural" in terms of animals, meaning that there is no specific "right" or "wrong" way to be masculine. I believe the idea of having to do sports or be physically strong to be masculine falls under the idea of toxic masculinity. I know both cis and trans men who have no interest in sports or working out, and that doesn't make them any less masculine in the least. So by no means do you need to have certain interests to consider yourself masculine. Again, that's a fairly toxic viewpoint that those that hold it need to change, you don't need to change anything for them.

Oh? That's very interesting. Most people I know usually do art or photography, not both. That's incredibly fascinating and impressive, I'm pleased to hear that you have two hobbies and talents you enjoy. I'm curious to how people think those activities are "girly". Many well known artists in history are male, and in every National Geographic magazine I happen to pick up, there's usually a picture of a male photographer, crediting him for his pictures. I don't believe activities can be defined with gendered terms. If they were supposed to be gendered, then only masculine people would be good at some things, and feminine people would be good at others with no overlap. However, that's not the case. Masculinity or femininity has no impact on activities, talents, or hobbies and I find it ridiculous that so many people are insistent on labeling things and keeping them in said labels.

Your activities have no impact on how masculine you are. You are masculine regardless of any interests you have. You gain enjoyment out of them, and thus you should never feel bad about what you love. Enjoy your passions, you're obviously a talented person capable of a lot. You are masculine, and you will always be masculine no matter what your interests you are. You are valid, and an amazing individual member of humanity. I am truly pleased to have had the chance to speak to you. I would be happy to give you both a hug and a head pat if you would like. It is up to you.

~~

While that long-haired guy with the zipper face mask is... r-rather intimidating, I-I gotta agree with everything that he said. H-He really is intelligent; he knows exactly wh-what he's saying. Anyway, I'm a bit surprised that you would come to me. I'm just some average, d-decent-looking programmer. I-I'm really flattered though, kiddo, really! I-I hope I can do my best here, especially since that masked kiddo did a r-really good job at helping you out there...

I-I may not be the strongest code in the computer system, b-but I'm still aware of things s-such as toxic masculinity and such. I-I can understand how you feel with feeling like you should be 'more manly', a-and how you feel like you should do things that'll make you 'more manly'. If anything, I can relate to that on a personal level, a-as when I was a kiddo myself, I would get bullied for programming instead o-of playing sports with the others. Plus, I also know people of a-all gender identities, a-and more specifically, cisgender men and transgender men who have little to no interest in sports or anything like it. B-But I won't let the focus slip completely; I-I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this. Regardless, j-just because you don't participate in sports or anything li-like it doesn't mean you're not 'manly enough'. Sports or not, y-you're still very much a man who's strong and amazing i-in his own way.

I-I honestly think it's both c-cool and impressive for you to be into both drawing and photography! I-It take a skilled hand and some skilled, um, skills for both of those h-hobbies, believe me. I know a few kiddos who are into one or the other, o-or both even. I-I fail to understand why people are calling those hobbies 'girly' though, when there's really no such thing a-as a loved, cherished hobby being 'girly' or 'manly'. Besides, like the kiddo said, there's plenty of artists and photographers who are men, and heck, there's some who are also trans men or even a different gender identity! S-So while this is probably easier s-said than done, d-don't feel bad for liking those type of things. Th-They don't strip away your masculinity or anything like that at a-all. A-As long as they genuinely m-make you happy and smile, th-then that's what should truly matter the most, kiddo.

I-I guess to put it simply: Y-You're a valid man with valid masculinity, a-and you always will be a skilled, valid man. Do what you love, a-and continue to show others j-just how strong you truly are. I-I'll happily give you both a headpat a-and a hug, kiddo. You deserve it for your hard work and for having the courage to come here, to which, takes a lot of courage and strength.

These two men have summed up the issue quite adequately, so allow me to deliver the closing statements. We cannot allow stereotypes to control our world. It is a plague on us and we need to learn to step away from them and show ourselves how we can in our own manner.  

Not everyone can succeed in photography or drawing. One cannot possess all talents. That lies to me only. But you must take pride in your identity as well as your hobby. Continue to forge your desired path in life without the judgement of others. You’ll find your dedication to be well rewarded...

[fandomlurker]

A Ponderous Rewatch: Prologue

You know, I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t go into bingeing the 2020 renewal of Animaniacs with the thought “I’m going to watch this and then go and watch the original Pinky and the Brain shorts and spin-off show and do a rewatch and loose analysis on the whole franchise with special attention on queer subtext and themes”. What I initially set out to do was simply watch the renewal and see if it lived up to the show I watched pretty regularly as a kid in the 90s…or at least what I remembered of it through the haze of decades worth of time.

Pinky and the Brain was my favorite set-up on Animaniacs back in the day. Back then I probably wouldn’t even have been able to tell you why beyond “I think it’s funny and the characters are fun to watch as they screw up trying to take over the world”. Other segments were funny to me back in the day, too. Slappy the squirrel was great in that she was basically just like the classic, near-timeless Looney Toons a la Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, but as an old lady toon who’s seen it all and tries to relate to the changing world while proving that the ol’ slapstick ways still work. The Goodfeathers were entertaining despite the fact that I was a literal child and didn’t even know that it was a big ol’ spoof of Goodfellas. Hell, I’ve still never seen Goodfellas, but three pigeons trying to carry themselves like macho tough guy mafia folks while being goddamn pigeons is still funny with or without that context. And as for the Warner siblings themselves? Their skits were pretty consistently great as well. Lots of that Bugs Bunny-like energy of putting terrible folks in their place when they annoy you while coupling it with the dynamic of three child siblings who are very, very active and much too clever for the average person. It was fun!

But as I watched the 2020 reboot with its stripped-down cast now largely consisting of just the Warner siblings and Pinky and the Brain segments for the season (And I’ll be honest, some of the segments from the 90s like Katie Kaboom, Buttons and Mindy, and the Hip-Hippos are ones I’ll be happy to never have return because they were godawful even back then), it brought into focus the strength of those segments compared to most of the others from the old 90s line-up: The strong dynamic and chemistry of the relationships between the main characters of those skits. The Warner siblings are a trio of kids who, despite being truly cut from the same wacky cloth as the most beloved of Looney Toon characters, also very much tap into a very realistic depiction of sibling relationships. Sure, they get on each other’s nerves sometimes. Sure, sometimes they have disagreements on how they view a certain situation. At the end of the day, however, they care about each other more than anything else and work in such perfect sync despite differences in who they are individually.  Sure, Yakko is a talkative theater kid jackass who sasses back at the drop of a dime. Sure, Wakko is kinda quiet and spaced-out and he has the appetite of a garbage disposal. Sure, Dot is adorable and witty and loudly and proudly feminist with an oddly feral streak. But if any one of them is inconvenienced or picked on or threatened in any way by someone, even if that someone is a powerful celebrity of some sort? You bet your ass the other two will immediately back their sibling up and make their tormentor’s life a living hell for the next however long the skit lasts. They’re little gremlin children who love one another, and have a surprisingly tragic backstory that actually speaks to a lot of fans on several levels.

But, okay, the bond between the Warner siblings is great and fun. What about Pinky and the Brain? What makes their dynamic stand out?

Folks, that’s where things get a little more…interesting. To me, at least.

So, watching the beginning of the 2020 reboot got me to slowly remember the parts I loved about the Pinky and the Brain skits from Animaniacs…were actually from their spin-off show. And the things I remembered most clearly from the spin-off were the more heartwarming moments that showed how much they cared about and loved one another, despite Brain being exhausted by Pinky’s dimwitted antics at times. And for a supposedly continuity-light cartoon show, there was a surprising amount of consistency to the main duo and their motivations. There was even a handful of reoccurring side characters the audience was expected to recognize from past episodes, as well, which is a bit strange to have for a show that initially seemed to aim to be strictly episodic. I remembered the odd amount of depth there was to the series. Nothing groundbreaking, mind you, but definitely something more than the average comedy cartoon.

So after watching the first few episodes of the reboot, I took to Tumblr to see if anyone remembered the old 90s show and to see how they were reacting to the new one. In doing so, I came across this post:

“i love that ppl make jokes abt a pinky and the brain version of the destiel confession because that. already happened....... the only difference is that brain pulls pinky out of superhell instead of dying on a barn nail”

Now, look, I’ve never watched Supernatural and only know it through Tumblr cultural osmosis, and at the time we were all riding off the high of the madness that was the finale of that show and the fallout from it. But ANYWAY…

This piqued my interest because 1. I didn’t remember watching an episode of Pinky and the Brain where anything like that happened, and 2. I was already picking up strong gay vibes from the reboot only a few episodes in. So, basically, I just had to hunt down this episode to sate my curiosity and see for myself if there was subtext in this 90s cartoon that I hadn’t quite picked up on as a kid.

I found the episode and started watching it. “Wow,” I said to myself, “this is a lot gayer than I remember…” And after finishing the episode, memories came flooding back to me:

That time the Brain fell for a girl mouse that was looked and acted lot like Pinky.

All those moments where Pinky would wear drag to disguise himself as Brain’s significant other in one way or another to further their plans for that episode, and how I could never remember it being ridiculed.

That one time they accidentally had a child together via a science mishap.

The ending of the Christmas special!...

And as I sat there, dumbstruck and searching Tumblr’s tags to see how far this particular rabbit hole (mouse hole?) went, everything finally clicked in my little bisexual mind.

This was one of the big reasons as to why I loved the Pinky and the Brain skits so much above all the others on Animaniacs all those years ago when I was a kid. It was the same sort of thing that subconsciously drew me to many of the cartoons and anime and media in general I loved as a child, back before I had the proper knowledge and self-awareness to know or express it.

Looking back on my life, I’d always gravitated to and resonated the most with stories and media with queer content in text or subtext. And sure, this cartoon was/is no Sailor Moon or Revolutionary Girl Utena with explorations of gender roles and queerness. It’s no Steven Universe or She-Ra with out and proud queer characters. It’s no The Little Mermaid or The Happy Prince where the stories were made by queer authors and subtextually about queer experience.

However…

However…!

I was surprised to find how deep the gay subtext went with Pinky and the Brain. Hell, I still am. This little Warner Brothers, Looney Toons-pedigree, continuity-light show about two lab mice trying to take over the world in bizarre, hilarious ways has such a weirdly continuous, heartfelt, touching, engaging, and sometimes outrageously raunchy queer undercurrent to it. All done in the 90s! It’s kind of baffling.

This is not to say that the creators and writers of the shows deliberately set out to do this. I don’t believe that anyone involved sat down and said to themselves “I’m going to make this so fucking gay!”. Sure, the voice actors of both Pinky and the Brain have said that they played the dynamic with “the energy of an old gay couple” and they’ve said plenty of suggestive or outright not safe for work things in the character’s voices in interviews and at convention panels. I firmly believe that they’re just having fun as the characters, just as much as I believe the writers were probably just having fun and putting in the gay subtext and suggestive lines as a kind of long running joke and seeing how far they could take it.

(By the time of the Pinky and the Brain comics, however, I’m not so sure. Some of the stuff they got away with in those issues is…amazing, to say the least.)

Regardless of actual intent, I think the writers of Pinky and the Brain (both old and new), have accidentally created a sort of subtextual, yet pretty powerful love story. And you know what? I want to rewatch this story for myself and write down my thoughts as I go along. I tried something similar quite a while back with Droids, and while I kind of ran out of steam as my life got busier and never finished, I have time now for something like this.

I should also say that I’m not out here to, like, convert anyone into shipping cartoon mice together. I imagine most people see Pinky and the Brain as nothing other than very close friends, and that’s a completely valid viewpoint to have. I doubt there will ever be some sort of canonization of a gay relationship between the two, as I imagine most of the writers on the new show (and hell, on the old one) are heterosexual themselves and would view such an idea as “ruining the comedy and the dynamic of the characters” or something similar. I’ve been in the fandom game long enough to know better than to hope and expect any media to sincerely tackle queer relationships in stories that only have the subtext there, especially in comedies.

I guess I’m doing this more to explore something I loved as a child and to see if I can find just as much if not more enjoyment from it as an adult, albeit maybe for different reasons. Hell, it’s also an opportunity to peek into a kind of time capsule from the 90s regarding how far queer subtext could be pushed back then, even when heavily couched in comedy. This is just a little project I wanna do for fun in my spare time. And hey, maybe a few of you out there will have some fun reading it too, who knows?

Either way, see you sometime soon in the new year.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket 2019 (ep,24) Part 1

 A monster? suicide? child’s verbal abuse? destructive rage? despair? emotional scene? tons of tears? questionable director choices?.. This 20min ep has it all!  Although this ep contain fictional creature & magic, it is one of the realest episodes in furuba, yet. 

 Kyo’s monster represent the psychological abuse of children in toxic families. Unlike kyo’s zodiac form, the cat, this monster is an alien creature that doesn’t resemble anything in nature (inducing fear), it is misshapen, deformed, reeks of rotten smell (inducing disgust), dangerously powerful (life-threatening). A child is repeatedly told that he has committed the biggest sin there is. Murder. “you killed your mother”, or “you are the reason she died”  He’s been told that by many ppl, including the person who symbolized safety & trust (his father). It is so disgusting yet real & common when adults talk bad/gossip about children within a close distance. children take words literally & hold them in their hearts for a life time! Kyo screams “It is not my fault!”, but adults say so, whose faults is it then? “the rat!” Why? “he’s the one who tricked the cat”. Who is the rat? Yuki. A child is trying to rationalize the injustice & stupid accusations of the adults. 

“I’ll kill yuki, then kill myself, you would be happy if I die, won’t you?” This is the most tragic sentence in furuba, yet. More tragic cuz it is uttered by a child. A child believes since I’m a killer, then I’ll fix the problem, I’ll kill the source of pain, the rat, yuki, Tragic. I’ll kill myself. So tragic. You’d be happy, father. Extremely tragic. knowing your parent would be happy if you died. Kyo’s mom killed herself, it is her choice, regardless of the hidden reasons or her mental state, he’s told that Your parent chose death over you. How horrible are you that your mother chose death over you. You turn into a literal monster. No doubt the kyo’s mom loved him, but it is so tragic that she herself abused her child unintentionally. by sheltering, locking, hiding him away from the world. Kyo’s monologue is a real depiction of children’s ability to see fake-ness in adults. I love you,son, continues to lock him, I’m not afraid, continue to check his beads, I’m proud of you, no one should see you. No wonder kyo has no trust in ppl.

Kyo harming tohru is a real depiction of his broken mental & emotional state. look at Yuki/Kisa, their response to abuse is to withdraw, hurt themselves by avoiding life, they are like destructive water, has to fill the inside first before it spills. Kyo’s response is rage, it is like fire, spreads outside & inside at once. There is conflicting feelings inside him that drives him crazy, He denies strongly that he killed his mom, but feels tremendous guilt she’s not alive becuz he’s monster. He says there is no hope for him, yet continues to live with tohru wishing she never discovers his true form, says he’ll kill yuki, yet he never grabs a knife & do it. He is fighting his abuse but doesn’t know how. Moreover, I love that tohru approaching kyo in such state of rage is not a safe choice. Realistically, try to approach an angry father/friend, they’ll hurt you in their rage, They are not in a state that make them make a good judgment. I have a feeling kyo might’ve hurt himself as well. He lost his trust in kazuma & thinks tohru is safer away from him, he would definitely hurt himself had tohru didn’t “save” him.

How did tohru save kyo? she didn’t. Did she tell him he’s not a monster or that it’ll be okay or you’re a good person? NO. She didn’t even talk about him! she talked about herself, her desire, “let’s go home”..” I want us to live , worry & study together” screw the sohma’s & all the pain, lets go home! “I’ll listen if you complain” why? cuz you did that to me! she’s implying you are needed without saying it out loud! “I’m scared of you” honesty, No fake-ness, no shallow words with contradictory actions. So, kyo hugs tohru intentionally & this is big coming from kyo!! The guy who flinches whenever someone touches him, hates to show weakness & vulnerability, wants to be strong & doesn’t allow himself to cry. Cries in front of tohru, hugs her, puts his hand through her hair, & calls her name..... This is a huge step!! he completely accepts tohru. She knew it, she felt it & her tears expressed it.

Kyo’s monologue is directed to the viewers. “this is how you melt the ugly feelings” with kindness, honesty & sincerity.  Kyo is not healed, yet. he can still transform into a monster, meaning the abuse is still affecting him strongly. but he is giving hope & someone to trust.  kyo’s last words are painful cuz they show how low he thinks of himself “ how is it that someone like you stay by me & cry for me”.. he still has a long way.

side notes:

kyo’s ” i dont have right, it is a mistake” that tohru is by him, why?

Kyo said “tohru” with no honorifics. When is yuki’s turn? Cant wait!

I have a strong criticism abt the director’s choices, but will write it in a separate post. hint: “shallow waters”......sigh~

I’m convinced now that if there’s romantic love, it is kyo & tohru. This ep & the previous one is purely about them showcasing their vulnerability exclusively to each other. tohru’s weakness is only seen by kyo & kyo’s tears are only seen by tohru. There is an equal showcase of need & support between them.

If yuki/tohru is going to be presented as a possible romantic love, then, the show must convince me strongly & equally. yuki has shared his weakness with tohru, but tohru is yet to share with yuki.

If the show wants to go the love triangle road with one of the boys ending up as unrequited love, then it can be either one of them depending on what tragic drama will happen.

The beauty & the beast theme is strong. Tohru tamed the monster with sincerity & kindness. Such beautiful strength within weakness! ugh!! Tohru is my all time fave female character!

I’ll talk about kazuma/ yuki/shigure/kagura’s reactions in another post.

I love the diverse depiction of response towards abuse by children in furuba. so real.

[fairycosmos]

I just feel so ugly and I can’t stand it but at the same time I feel pretty ? It’s exhausting this going back and forth. Like I can’t stop freaking out about what to wear and I’m just so scared. Idk if this stepping over the line but I just really need someone . 💖

hey i’m so sorry to hear that love 😞 it’s not stepping over the line dw. reading this just breaks my heart and also makes me feel so Seen, i can’t tell you how much i relate. it’s awful that we’re made to feel so bad about simply existing god :/ i think it’s important to remember that these feelings of self loathing are planted in our brains before we’re even old enough to know what it means to love ourselves, so it’s no surprise that you feel this way. it’s ok to sit with the pain, to cry if you need to, to let it hurt. it’s ok if you need to let it go over and over again before you truly let it go for good.  feeling okay in your body is a lifelong task for most people, it doesn’t have to happen instantaneously. it’s normal for it to be a process, and to feel like it’s a pointless endeavor at times. but it never actually is, and living your life in spite of this insecurity is an act of defiance you should always try to practice. you literally dont have anything to prove to anyone. you’re not here on this earth to be as pretty as possible 24/7 - a. because you’re so much more than that and b. because beauty is completely subjective, it’s impossible to please the whole world and you truly dont even have to try to. there are a few affirmations i like to remember to help make this all seem a bit easier. the first is the whole capitalist thing. i say it a lot but honestly we’re taught to despise ourselves and to feel like we constantly need to improve from such a young age simply because it’s how they make money off of us, and cause the world is sexist as fuck. they make us hate the way we look not because there’s actually anything wrong with us, but because they can profit off of it. the second is the whole mental illness thing. it really sounds like your anxiety is amplifying this situation and making it seem like a bigger deal than it is. it’s forcing you to think that the whole world sees you the way you see yourself when that’s not true at all. try to ground yourself in rationality and not emotion when possible. generally speaking nobody is judging you with the same level of disgust that you’re using to judge yourself - everyone is far too worried about themselves and about how they’re coming across, really. i think trying to recenter your attention on the fact that your friends want to see you, that you deserve to go out and have fun, that your looks are the last thing anyone other than you is thinking about etc could bring you some peace of mind. even if it’s hard to believe at first. another point i like to remember is that the people who love/care for us see us as beautiful beings regardless of conventional beauty standards. when you have a strong bond with someone, don’t you think their looks sort of melt away anyway? don’t you think their beauty is in their familiarity and what they offer to your life and the love/memories/laughter you share? you ARE that presence for so many ppl already, even if you cant see it. you can understand all of this on a logical level and still feel bad when you look in the mirror, god knows i do. but the point is to keep trying to live on your own terms, as you are. because theres no wrong way to inhabit a body, to exist. alright? but if this is smth that is continuing to get worse i’d recommend talking to someone about it - your doctor, a counselor/therapist, a support group, a hotline - the options are endless and there’s bound to be one that works for you. i know it’s a bit of a scary idea but there is so much that can be done from a professional standpoint when it comes to self esteem, in terms of behavioral therapy and confidence building techniques and even just having someone to talk to. please don’t write the suggestion off even if it’s a bit too much rn, you can always put a pin in it for later. but know that it is entirely possible to get to a more comfortable state of mind and to break this exhausting cycle. with time, effort and natural self growth. if you want to start with searching from more general self help and healthy coping mechanisms, then that’d be great too. but my point is taking a proactive role in how you view yourself, instead of a passive one, can make a big difference! ANYWAY im sorry this got so long i just lit rally cant shut up.....i hope you go and have a lovely time. everything else is background noise. if you need a friend or someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up anytime. sending love to you x

[kissfaeries]

Hi irene, I am the Christian bisexual woman who sent you an ask before. Thank you so much for responding to my ask and being so kind. So I am still not entirely convinced and the more I talk to my friends or watch Christian videos the more I feel like they are right. Someone showed me a study that showed that bi women and lesbians are more likely to develop breast cancer and that they are more likely to be dangerously overweight. And bi and gay men are more likely to have aids or HIVs +

+ so that mean that's gay sex is dangerous. Also, Lgbt people are more likely to be suicidal. Also some of my friends say that if we start accepting homosexuality we will also start accepting pedophilia and incest. (eventhough I think that's wrong because in the past homosexuality was condemned while pedophilia and incest were accepted, so it's actually that the more we develop the more we accept homosexuality and condemned pedophilia and incest). I feel like my beliefs are easily shaken +

+ like I could be coming to terms with my sexuality but then I come across a homophobic post or talk to a friend and I am back where I started. I am really scared I will waste my life hating myself but I am also scared that my church,family and friends are right. And that I am being brainwashed or whatever eventhough I know it's not true I am just really scared. +

I feel confused and no matter I always feel like it's the wrong choice. Anyhow, thank you so much for responding. I hope this was not overbearing or annoying.🧡🧡🧡

Thank you for coming to me, i hope i can help you! First, i would like to see the study that claims lesbians & bi women are more likely to develop breast cancer, bc it feels to me that it is a highly unscientific claim. There’s no correlation between sexual orientation and the probability of cancer development... it seems to me that it’s more of a homophobic conspiracy theory meant to scare young les/bi women like you. Same with being overweight, how does sexuality have anything to do with being dangerously overweight? When it’s either a genetic condition or something that occurs due to an unhealthy diet? Sexuality is not a factor here.

Secondly, it’s not true that gay/bi men are more likely to have AIDS. “Worldwide, more than 80 percent of all adult HIV infections have resulted from heterosexual intercourse.” Source: https://aidsinfo.nih.gov/news/168/hiv-aids-statistics

That’s something homophobes are obsessed about bc they think it proves homosexuality is deviant and evil, but it’s just a misconception that resulted from the high number of gay victims from the AIDS crisis in the 1980s. And the reason why so many gay/bi men died in that crisis was bc there was no information regarding protection in gay sex, AND the government refused to find a cure for AIDS at the beginning as it mostly affected gay men, so they saw it as “God punishing gay men and cleansing America of homosexuality”. When it started to affect straight people too, that’s when they got serious about it. Besides, gay & bi men having AIDS is not proof that “gay sex is more dangerous”. Gay sex is not more or less dangerous than straight sex, it simply depends on whether or not you’re using protection. If you don’t use it, you’re more likely to get sexually transmitted diseases.

Thirdly, it’s correct that LGB people are more likely to be suicidal than straight people: “LGB youth seriously contemplate suicide at almost 3 times the rate of heterosexual youth. LGB youth are almost 5 times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth.” Source: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/ But how is this LGB people’s fault? How is this proof that being LGB is wrong? In any case, it proves that HOMOPHOBIA is wrong, as it pushes LGB people to kill themselves instead of accepting their true selves: “LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGB peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection. Each episode of LGBT victimization, such as physical or verbal harassment or abuse, increases the likelihood of self-harming behavior by 2.5 times on average.” Source: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/ so as you can see, it’s not the fact that they’re same-sex attracted that causes them to be more suicidal... Homophobia is the reason LGB ppl are more suicidal. Homophobia is what’s wrong.

Next, what you said about homosexuality vs. pedophilia/incest is completely correct! Back in the 1800s, it was very common for cousins to marry each other, for example. There was also a case with a king of Spain in the 1600s/1700s (i believe) who was so malformed due to being the result of extreme incest in his family. Pedophilia, was also not condemned, but in fact silenced and protected, especially if the predator was a rich, powerful man (which is the case today as well). There have been lots of cases where a family marries their young, teenage daughter to an older man bc of money, which is also pedophilia. And yet, while these two were not condemned, homosexuality was always demonized. In the 20th century, when pedophilia started to be condemned more, homosexuality was criticized bc they believed they were pedophiles, so that whole thing of “acceptance of homosexuality increases acceptance of pedophilia” is another homophobic argument, as well as also making no sense as you’ve pointed out.

I do believe you’re right, you are someone who doesn’t have strong convictions so your beliefs are easily shaken, and this is mostly bc you don’t have a lot of resources/information/statistics like i do! If you have actual, proven facts that back your arguments, you will realize you are not as easily convinced of homophobic arguments, and it will also be more difficult to manipulate you into hating yourself. Because this is what it’s all about. Regardless of how you feel about yourself, you will always be same-sex attracted. That is something you cannot change. You can spend your whole life hating it, and it still won’t change the fact that you’re bisexual. What i’m doing is not “brainwashing”. Brainwashing doesn’t look like “please accept yourself, love yourself, there’s nothing wrong with you”. I’m trying to make you realize that your friends, family and Church are trying to guilt-trip you & manipulate you into hating your sexuality, using conspiracy theories and old-dated homophobic arguments that are not based on fact, on logic.

I’m not saying you should drop your friends, and it’s certainly difficult to let go of your homophobic family. I’m also from a homophobic family, and it’s taken awhile to stop listening to their homophobic arguments. But it’s possible. And the first step is to surround yourself by people who will accept you for who you are. By being constantly surrounded by Christian homophobes, you will never take the first step to love yourself. You need to realize this. It’s no shocker that you’re here again asking for my advice to deal with your internalized homophobia: it is a logical consequence of spending so much time with homophobes & actually listening to what they have to say. By all means, listen to their arguments. I have listened to them all my life, I had no choice. But see through them: they’re not backed by facts, their only intention is to hurt you, to make it even harder to accept yourself.

Like you’ve said before, you could hate yourself your entire life, but you don’t HAVE to do it. You have a choice. You can start to let go of their homophobic beliefs & values, and realize there’s another path that you can take. One where you don’t have to second-guess yourself, one where you don’t have to cry bc of who you are, one where you don’t have to fear going to hell, one where you can be happy & comfortable in your own skin, and maybe one where you find an amazing woman who loves you for who you are! Is it possible that you can take breaks from seeing your homophobic friends? It is possible that you can go on an exchange trip, or sign up for a club in your city that’s not religious? You will realize this does wonders to your self-steem, and the less time you spend surrounded by people who preach hate & intolerance, the easier it will be to come to terms with your sexuality and start to love yourself.

I wish you all the best❤️