#communication and community

[essence-inked]

Just a reminder that no one can take away the fact that we are not alone. They can try, and they will, and they are, but they can't make us withdraw from each other and give up and agree that it's over, that there's nothing good left for us.

We do this together. We do the changing things and fixing things and building things together, but we also do the grieving and recovery and comfort together.

They can make that devastatingly hard, but they can't stop us from caring, and from carving small moments of okay-ness out of even the most bleak world.

Yesterday morning, I brought my therapist a cup of tea as a thank you for what was what presumably going to be a very long day of helping a lot of distraught clients.

On my lunch break, I went to pick up some Pratchett from the library, and the guy working the front desk seemed just as shaken as I probably looked, but we made polite conversation, and sinking into the words of my book was still as warm and soft as ever.

All day, every group chat I was in was a place of support, of reassurances that everyone there was loved, of small jokes and gentle distractions.

In the evening, my boyfriend and I had some friends over for pizza and board games and cookie-baking. Despite everything, the night was full of giddy laughter and good food, and when we finally sent them on their way with even more cookies to take home, I hopped on a call with another group of friends, because pretty much everyone was finding ways to be together that evening.

Everything is not even slightly okay, and so many awful things are going to happen in the next four years, but we can fight back, and that starts with just being there for each other. Now is the time to tell people you love them, to be especially gentle to yourself and everyone around you, to refuse to let your ability to find happiness be defined by people who wish you harm.

Persist out of spite, out of defiance, and out of love for those around you.

We got this.

[essence-inked]

Dude I grew up with basically no video games, present-day TV (we had some DVDs of popular movies at least, and a bunch of old 60s sitcoms), and no discussion of healthy Internet use ever. The result was that I spent high school binge-reading fanfiction until three in the morning because I had no concept of healthy screen time, and then spent my first year of college hiding in my dorm watching Netflix because I had so much I could finally catch up on. I'm 26 now, and I'm doing a ton better, but growing up in an environment where the approach to technology was to limit it rather than to talk about it was a massive contributor to my childhood isolation, and even now I still have to explain to people that no, really, I did not experience whatever pop culture thing they're referencing, and not everyone DID grow up with that.

Your kids will experience the world whether you want them to or not. But if you talk to them about it and show them how to do it in healthy ways, they'll have the tools to navigate it better.

[sourdough-seal]

hyperfixation please stay with me long enough to complete the project. hyperfixation do not fade. hyperfixation finish what you started for the love of god

[thinkspam]

[melodicwriter]

[essence-inked]

No but seriously, being reminded that lots of people feel this way is actually a lot more helpful than just being told that believing you need to be perfect isn't a viable mindset. "You are not alone, we are all dealing with this nonsense together" can be such a powerful sentiment, and I am so on board with that.

YOU don’t have to be perfect to be loved. but I do

[inkskinned]

hey... don't cry.... tesla recall for most cybertrucks, okay? >46,000 vehicles affected <3

[phantomrose96]

You can be talking to someone and she'll be like, "Oh I made a silly mistake. Women don't deserve voting rights teehee." And you'll be like, "What." And she'll be like, "Oh I'm sorry! That must sound so bad out of context. No it's this Tiktok meme where, if you're a girl and you do something dumb, you say 'Women don't deserve voting rights teehee.'"

And you'll be like, "That sounds bad." And she'll be like, "No no. It's totally not that bad. It's just a meme. Men say it too. Like if a man does something silly he'll be like, 'I am like those women who do not deserve to vote.'" And you'll be like, "Does that make it better?" And she'll be like, "Well there was one guy who tried to make 'Men shouldn't vote' a popular meme. But it never caught on and also he got yelled at a lot."

And then you drop it there because like, you're harshing the vibe.

[kitcactusart]

Feel free to print and distribute this image

[frontmansdefender]

fuck yeah !!!!!!!!!

[essence-inked]

So much this, also thia is one of my favorite social contracts because it shows so well how genuinely taking an interest in other people's wellbeing is a survival tool (i.e., a great rebuttal for the notion that kindness won't get you far). You can't really Know Many Guys if you're not actually invested in helping them out in return, and as someone who's occasionally been The Guy, it gets exhausting to have that be one-sided after a bit, so the best and most lasting forms of this are when everyone involved is actually invested in everyone's wellbeing. This is all to say that step one of Knowing a Guy (which OP does touch on, but I want to elaborate about) is that you need to become a Guy to Know yourself. You kind of need to start off with just "okay, how can I help/be useful to the people around me," and be compassionate and attentive, and do things even though there isn't a benefit for you.

The transactional piece comes later - at least in my experience, a lot of Knowing a Guy happens when I've done something nice for someone else, or they've done something nice for me, and then the other person reciprocates. Sometimes, this looks like doing something small for someone who's an acquaintance, but who you don't necessarily like, and then they will sometimes do the same for you, and you wind up with a very low key connection where you sometimes help each other out, but don't get closer than that. Other times, this looks like a back-and-forth of you and another person going just a bit out of your way to help each other, and then just a bit more, and next thing you know you'd both go seriously above and beyond to help the other person out (which is kinda just how friends work, just with the added social contract module of swapping skillsets).

But however the relationship shakes out, a core part of mutualism is that someone has to kick it off with doing something for the other person, and then the other person's got to reciprocate. The transactional bounds of the relationship can't be established until that's happened, and OP's so right that you gotta both reach out to people, and also make an effort to be helpful yourself.

Networking/Knowing A Guy: A Guide

This is the autism website. Now, as an extension of the power of love and friendship, there are few things more useful than Knowing A Guy. Knowing A Guy means you have a support network. Knowing a plumber, or a tax accountant, or just that one dude that's really fucking good at finding the information you need when you're really overwhelmed, can be the difference between being able to pay rent and having a fun party with friends to fix your shit.

How does one end up Knowing A Guy? It's a skill you can develop called Networking and it is one of the foundations of society. Unfortunately making those connections with people is fucking hard and nobody makes a tutorial for it. So, here you go:

The golden rule is you scratch my back and I scratch yours

It is necessary for survival to seek out useful people

Great news! Everyone is useful in some form or fashion - including you! When given the opportunity to learn about someone, do it! Extroversion does not come naturally to some people and that's okay. Just take whatever falls in your lap.

Types of usefulness: trade skills, connections of their own, personality you jive with, pleasant to talk to, niche interest in shared hobby, security - the list is pretty much endless. I know a guy that lives in the metro area - no job, no major hobbies, inoffensively annoying to me personally, kinda ignorant, not attractive to me, but you know what? He knows how the fuck to get around the city by foot. My rural-raised ass APPRECIATES the guide.

Remember important information: general personality, background, skillset, likes and dislikes. You can find this information by making smalltalk about their life. There is no such thing as pointless conversation. (Yes, even the annoying smalltalk)

The more people you know, the higher the likelihood that one of them will be useful in a given situation - or will know someone who is.

It is overwhelming. In a given clique/community/workspace/whatever, there is A Guy Who Knows The Other Guys. This Guy is a shortcut. Find them. They're often elderly, extroverted, a little bit annoying, a secretary or in some otherwise forward-facing position. Look for people that are gossipy/talk about other people a lot but not in negative ways. If they constantly talk shit, they'll talk shit about you too. They're still useful but be careful with the information you share

You do not have to like someone for them to be useful.

You do not have to like someone for them to be useful.*

If you have low self esteem, you're going to feel like you're using people. You're not. That's the devil talking. People like feeling valued and the connections you are making are the threads holding community together. Recognize people for their talents. It's only a problem when you're taking advantage of people

So: don't feel scummy about it. You're an animal. You have to claw out your right to survive and people will respect you more for it.

Luckily mutualism is the name of the game in the animal kingdom. Offer something back. The foundation of a Know A Guy relationship is Mutual Benefit

Sometimes that Mutual Benefit is just spreading news of the The Guy far and wide. My plumber friend is my actual friend and I love her to death, but I'm maintaining our backscratch relationship by pimping out her plumbing business to anyone that'll listen

Food is a good Mutual Benefit. People across cultures for all of human history have bonded over food. I have good success asking people for a favor and then offering to buy them lunch in return **

General compensation is also good. Offer a service in return and always do your best to offer financial compensation as appropriate. Having your plumber friend take a look at your drain: doable with a case of beer. Having your plumber friend redo the pipes in your entire house? You need to pay for that.

Being transactional is not necessarily a bad thing. I would advise against keeping an itemized list of things owed, but fish don't seek out cleaner shrimp just because they enjoy their company. Everyone gets something

Unfortunately being extroverted and generally personable is a huge benefit here, but that's the value of the Guy That Knows A Guy. There's someone out there that has consolidated All The Guys so you don't have to be the local expert. Always remember nobody can do everything and you don't need to master every skill

* This is the foundation of a functioning community. I have many acquaintances that I find incredibly annoying. They include doctors, welders, artists, social workers, lawyers, construction crew and random fuckers at the grocery store. I do not hang out with them. I do not have to in order to maintain a civil Know A Guy relationship. I can drop them useful tidbits and fuck right off so I don't have to spend any more time than necessary with them

** People may assume romantic intent. Be prepared for that. I generally denote that it's a friendly/work lunch by calling them bro at some point if they're my age. Otherwise my general demeanor is sufficient to show that I do this with everyone

Source: personal experience, mother's teachings of crime, booth vending and poverty

[essence-inked]

I love it when people give me some sort of media, especially when it's like a downloaded show or a bunch of pdfs or other things that they already had and can just pass me a copy of, because there is something fundamentally wonderful about the notion of passing stories around to the people you love, gifts that cost nothing to give away but are still thoughtfully chosen because you think oh, I just enjoyed this thing very much, now I must give my friends the chance to enjoy it too? Gifts that allow you to hold on to stories in an era when they can be so fleeting and easily torn away on the whims of a streaming service? Gifts that say I know you and I think you will like this too?

Just. More of that, please.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

now that trump has tiktok, twitter, facebook and insta in his pocket, get ready for a massive wave of internet censorship. one of trump's greatest weapons has always been misinformation; it's going to become harder and harder to spread facts and criticism going forward. posts that aren't made invisible will be magically ignored by the algorithm. dissidents will have their accounts deleted and voices erased.

this is a suppression tactic. this is another stage of fascism.

[viktor-the-leshen]

[cornyonmains]

Something I find very interesting about this CEO assassination is that the guy who did it has basically become an American hero.

They're probably quite worried about what will happen when they catch this guy, especially with the level of public support he has. If they catch him alive and he gets to air his grievances, he could unite the entire country against the private healthcare system. It could go to trial and result in jury nullification, which would basically send a message to the American public that catching a rich body comes without consquences.

If they kill him to keep his mouth shut, I'd say people will burn cities to the ground, and it could potentially provoke even more anger against private health insurance. In a powder keg, it only takes one person lighting the match.

I know it sounds over the top, but a figurehead is a powerful thing, and that's what this shooter is. The rich understand it. That's why Blue Cross just magically decided they were going to pay for anesthesia again. Those dead-eyed psychopaths were going to take everything they could until someone shot that guy and that's the gospel truth.

Keep the hate fire burning. Watching their fear is the closest I've come to knowing joy since the Bush administration.