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liliansun · 2 years ago

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day 27/365 of haechan <3

my sunflower journey!

so I 'discovered' NCT on wattpad in 2017 (of all places) through fan fics (can't remember the author or the name) but originally I had been reading this particular author's exo fics and wanted more so then I read their mark, jaehyun and taeyong fics

and being a person who's interest was now held, i went through their music and their contents. i tried to find a 'temporary bias' (like the one i kind of hold onto before getting into the group) but none quite stuck. i did like them though. but because i was into other groups more, i just left it at that.

and then at the end of the year i saw jaemin and thought he was cute. learnt that he had been on hiatus for awhile and had just come back fairly recently. again, left it at that.

i'll be honest, i thought whoever styled nct in their early days needed to re-evaluate themselves quick or get serious help/get fired. either or.

NOW 2018 CHANGED THE GAME. i was exploring the kind of groups i liked and new songs and games and content and it was seriously so fun. and in my irl it wasn't exactly the best time for me.

so i looked into nct again, this time without making the fuss about a temporary bias and boss had come out. i was watching more of their content and their weekly idol 2018, i was very into them. was learning their names and trying to find that 'bias connection'.

found it in haechan, didn't quite know him yet but i thought he was funny and cute (an opinion that still hasn't changed) but he wasn't my bias yet.

stop! wait : for context i was really interested in the whole 'extra member' / 'make your own celebrity from the industry' (which i kind of still am but kind of different? idk how to explain)

anyway, i was watching idol imagines on yt and found a really good jaemin one. and then looked to see anymore - oop there's one of haechan. seriously good.

and i thought! wow - what if haechan was like 'bestie' or 'platonic' best friend. and i adored him that year in exactly the same way. watched things again and realised i had found a bias and i really adored him. it was also amazing to me that i biased someone my age? instead of someone older than me? and i became a sunflower on his birthday.

absolutely sick. will be rinsing that fact into the ground.

though i have to point out i wasn't quite the 'sunflower' like i am now. i had other ults but he was quickly becoming a heart favourite. he became my 'neon boy' in my notes (i wonder if i still have it) but i liked his mischievous tendencies. and at that point i had a pastel boy, a monochrome boy and a neon boy.

but when simon says came out? he absolutely blew me away and i got more and more into them and their stylist either got replaced or shaped up. thank fuck. never want to see that haircut on him again, just saying.

we go up too? i was praising his ancestors and all that came before him.

2019 was relatively calm but such good music. i got a new ult group that year and that was exciting and i brought my first album and then joined a nz nctzen group and they were holding a go for arguably one of my favourite kpop albums ever.

i only really asked for haechan and that was practically all i got and i was through the moon. i'd never forget it.

see haechan in boom was a cultural reset for me and i'm forever in remembrance of the era. i was also learning more about him, but more so in the way that kpop profiles or youtube guides wouldn't tell ya...like the shit you pick up on yourself. not too much. little by little.

also the highway to heaven video - yum. just yum. and what he says? oh my god he's got me blushing.

in 2019, i started seeing him as a guy. but let me also set a very dangerous scene - in 2019, i started ulting a rookie group and my monochrome boy was enlisting. so i reflected on my three 'ult' biases and i realised that monochrome boy was more my thing over pastel boy. but i couldn't quite drop the wild card.

2020 - ridin' came out and that was fucking a-1, but i think i was very on him then.

i remembered someone said to me, okay but there can't be that many members and you only having just one bias? or like...do you have a bias wrecker at least? my answer was no. like, there's been nobody that has 'wrecked' his position as my bias.

do i appreciate the other boys? heck yes. i have a penchant for a lot of the dreamies (they're similar in age to me) and the rest. like they're equal to me.

haechan though? definite bias, definite favouritism. definite top.

my monochrome boy was still in the military at that point and wouldn't return till my birthday in 2021 and i was like hmm pick an ult. and i always juggled between them.

but when i moved into my new flat in 2021, i realised that i had probably chosen haechan when all i could talk about was him. and monochrome boy i love but haechan was just completely in my face. he was everywhere and i wanted him to be everywhere.

and it continued like that, my flatmate would rub haechan in my face when she was just as obsessed with her kpop boy.

and i don't quite know when the switch from 'healthy' to 'unhinged' attachment to my kpop boy happened or where it came from. but like he's basically the only idol ever with the exception of sunwoo on twitter.

i'm on every sunflower page that i can understand and some sunnyside egg suburban mums and some eccentric teenager from the country keep actually putting photos of the actual sunflower in the group. pretty sure they're bots at this point because they never interact with each other and they don't read the 'you know this is for lee haechan right?' posts that come up once every fortnight.

and like i've always been protective of him but now i'm protective.

like if anyone shits on him or things anything remotely disagreeable about him. i don't want to know. and i don't like you. don't talk to me. you're wrong.

and i think because some of my irls know now, i don't have to calm down. and i've gotten the green light from them. so i think that's enough for me.

and here we have it, niwa the sunflower. my personality trait. this bloody took a whole hour and i was considering bullet pointing. of all things.

anyway haechan ily.

Okay okay wait now I wanna share mine w you too. Okay so I got into tumblr after having my baby bc I was staying up late at night and had nothing to do so I started smau’s after reading a couple and I was HEAVILY into enhypen at the time and I met some amazing people (one in particular ((she knows who she is)) and I got close) would RAVE about Jeno and our mutual friend at the time would rave about jisung

I have a tendency to tunnel vision on one or a few particular groups so I wasn’t interest in nct other than I knew Simon says and cherry bomb and chewing gum and that was it.

WELL. favorite era hit and I was 🤰 jungwoo tunnel visioned and I was really getting into nct 127 and ngl hyuck was the last person on my mind. I was more interested in the older members than mark and Haechan and I kept it as that UNTIL THEY WENT INTO UNIVERSE era and I was still familiar w wayv and started to get more into them than the dreamies and I was really becoming Yangyang and xiaojun biased

So the universe mv really had me on my knees bc jungwoo w pink hair 🤕but this is where hyuck started to catch my eye. I then started to do some research and found out through this particular angel that mark and hyuck were in diff units as well and I listened to the universe album and CRIED listening to beautiful for the first time

Fast forward I started poking around w dream when the glitch mode era hit and gawd damn lemme tell you HAECHAN DID NOT LEAVE CRUMBS

Him on the arcade stage REALLY had me swooning and Jaemin was really running laps in my head at the time also so again, hyuck wasn’t my first priority. So I’m going through the dreamies old songs and I fucking hit hot sauce and hyuck had me in a chokehold

So then I jump to hello future and yk the beginning where they throw the stuff up around him,, yeah that did it for me 😭 THEN I WENT BACK TO RIDIN AND I WAS ON MY KNEES LIKE A SLIP AND SLIDE

and I was just so mesmerized by his laugh, the way he smiles, his constant teasing w his friends and the love he has in his eyes and everything he does. He’s captivating and enticing and unpredictable and I love everything about him from the top of his sweet little head to every mole he has on his body.

And theN I GOT FUCKING DELULU AND EVERYONE FED INTO IT AND NOW I HAVE ALL THESE AMAZING FRIENDS BC MY HYUCKBRAINROT WAS STRONG 😭🫶

#so proud to be a sunflower #niwa my little sunflower 🥹#lilac’s moots 🥳#hyuckbrainrot 🧟‍♀️🧠#i just love hyuck

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smoll-tangerine · 3 years ago

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hii nini! im a big fan of yours, ive been reading your fics ever since i was introduced to nct by a close friend of mine. i'm a rather young teen who is an aspiring author, and as a person who has never been able to explore the fanfiction side of writing before, i truly think your writing is amazing and is a rare gem. you create magic with your words, you give the reader the feels! (with a few awkward and curious encounters with... 18+ works, which are also works of art!!!1!!1 its just something i am uncomfortable with and avoid as a minor), the incredible writing kpop fanfic writing community your work inspired me create a writing blog on tumblr and i am currently eager to branch out to people with similar interests to mine. are there any tips that you could suggest for a fresh writer on tumblr (how to create au ideas, how to imitate personas we see on cameras through writing, how to decorate your blog to attract intended audiences, etc)? i would be so thankful if you replied to this <3

love,

your aspiring anon

hi aspiring anon!! 💛 thank you so much for this!! i never would have thought that my writing would elicit such reaction from someone, and i'm so honoured that my writing is inspiring to you!

idk where to start, but i can tell you that when i first started writing kpop fanfiction, i was also at the beginning of my teens (literally started writing exo fanfics when i was 13-14 years old on this website called asianfanfics)!! it's a very new and exciting time, and i honestly can't wait for you to start your journey!

i also consider myself relatively new to tumblr, only started posting stuff on this site back in august 2020 and i'm still learning every day. but when it comes to writing, it's always a single scene that prompts me to write and flesh out a whole story.

"the scene" -- the one that inspired me to write the story or an idea that i've always wanted to write about. idk how many of my fics have you read, but here's an example with once again. i've always wanted to write an nct story, so i obviously went with jaehyun because he's my bias, an exes-to-lovers!au, and "the scene" that made me write the whole thing which is:

“Do… do you hate me now?” he asked. It was a wonder how I was still able to discern his soft voice amidst the deafening crowd.

I hesitated, seriously pondering on his question and searching for the answer within deep inside me. My lips trembled upon the realization and I shook my head slightly with a tired smile.

“No, I could never hate you, Jaehyun,” I said. “But you sure gave me a reason to.”

and boom, the whole story just spawned from this scene in particular. it made me think of how i wanted to write each character, their backstories, and what happened that led them to become exes, and what other type of drama i could conjure up, and etc.

writing is such a tricky thing because you want to achieve that perfect balance between description and action. so when editing, i always ask myself -- especially when reading descriptions, verbs, etc. -- are these necessary? what do they contribute to the overall plot? am i droning/waffling/babbling without any purpose or just to reach a particular word count?

i find that the easiest way to improve your writing is to read your favourite authors works! my writing style when i was 13 compared to my current one is so different. but it's also due to how you want to write and what kind of style you want to go for. i consider myself more of a "pretty" writer and i think this aspect really shone through with come morning light where i tried to match the writing style to the story even more than i usually do, as opposed to cerca trova, which was more fast paced, hence the blunt and straight to the point-like sentences and writing style.

my favourite way to come up with new ideas or to help flesh out a story is to discuss my ideas with my (4) best friends jeongvision, sehunniepotwrites, ppangjae, and jaedore. we always message each other with new fic ideas, help each other with editing and coming up with plot twists, etc., and i think this is one of the best parts about writing fanfics and the kpop writing community on tumblr. (granted, given that i'm a very SHY person, i barely interacted with people when i first started LOL).

this is getting LONG BUT BEAR WITH ME kfjskfjs

as for how to decorate my blog, it's really up to you!! it's one of the best things about tumblr and i think that as long as you decorate it the way you like, then it's awesome because it allows your readers to have a glimpse of your personality or what you like!! i also enjoy perusing theme coding blogs because they have nice themes and that's usually where i start when i want to redo my tumblr theme :)

i really hope this was helpful!! and feel free to drop me another message in my ask if you need more advice or just wanna talk hehe (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ♥

also, can you let me know which stories of mine that led you to have your awkward and curious encounters with 18+ works? ksjfksjfs although i don't write explicit nsfw works, i do write some implied/suggestive stuff and i want to tag/write my warnings properly!!

#nini.asks #aspiring anon

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moons-and-stars-and-shit · 4 years ago

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May I please order a cake (written matchup for haikyuu)? I can be described as introverted and withdrawn because of events in life despite being outgoing and lively in the past. I randomly doze off and daydream a lot when I’m alone, with friends, and family. Because of my introverted personality I am often mistaken for cold a lot because of my “resting bitch face.” Once people get to know me I am just emotionally shy and empathetic. Even though I can respond and identify to the feeling of others, I have a hard time expressing my own and try not to express it often. When I’m with friends I am very upbeat, joyful, and hardworking by supporting my friends and family and putting their needs before my own and keeping them happy. I’m pretty much independent and a hard worker that spends too much caring for everyone but myself. My friends describe me as a good listener and easy to talk with because I Am open-minded and easygoing. I like to watch anime, read manga, play video games (final fantasy and kingdom hearts: my favorite series. also metal gear, solid, resident evil etc.), watch DC comic films and shows XD Besides that, my ultimate favorite hobbies include drawing fan arts of Kpop groups & anime, while listening to music (second ultimate favorite hobby). I also like to swim and drive around because of my love for adventures and imagination (also relaxation). I have a strong passion of disliking bugs (especially cockroaches). I especially love to eat sweets , in particular boba and macaroons. I have big brown eyes, long wavy brown hair, baby face (don’t look my age. I Am mistaken for looking 13-17), slender body. I am half-Chinese, el salvadoran, and French descendent. Sexuality: heterosexual Age: 24 gender: female.

Were gonna age our boy up for you here

We’ll say your both 24 here

🍰 for @otakupandasworld

Romantic Matchup

Kita Shinsuke

How yall met

Aran had actually introduced you two

You and Aran have been friends for a while

And he couldn't help but notice how similar you and his ex captain acted

So when kita decided to come into the city to visit

He thought it would be a good idea to introduce you two

You two didn't really talk to each other at first

And Aran was afraid that introducing you two was a mistake

However he was proven wrong when he came back from the bathroom to see Kita smiling

Wait

Kita was smiling?

Omg

Did he just laugh at something you said?

Turns out when Aran was gone you and kita had fallen into a conversation about his rice farm

You had told him that you really wanted to live out in the country because you feel like you needed to spend a year or two just focusing on yourself

He laughed saying he had felt the same way before he moved

He told you that he would be in the city for a few days if you ever wanted to hang out

And if you ever decided of moving to the country to give him a call

You two had hung out a few more times before he went back home

And you even stayed in touch when he went back

about a month later you had called him saying you were going to take a vacation in the country and asked if it would be alright if you stayed with him while you were there

He agreed and soon enough you were at his front door with your bags

Since you guys were so far out in the country it really allowed you both to get to know each other

And by the end of your stay you realized how much you liked living in the country

So you decided to move

Kita had kindly offered for you to stay with him until you could get a place of your own

Which you accepted

After about 3 months of living together kita had confessed that he's grown feelings for you

Lucky for him you felt the same way

Yeah lets just say you never ended up finding your own place...

What they love about you

He loves how you seem to always know hows hes feeling

Now Kita is a man of very few words

And even fewer expressions

He knows that this can cause problems when some people are trying to read his emotions

But somehow you always seem to know how he's feeling without telling you

He loves how caring you are

Even though you said you wanted to move to the country to focus on you

You still check in with all of your friends and family almost everyday

There have even been times where you take the long journey back to the city because someone needed you

He loves that you care so much

But he also wishes you would take some time to care for yourself too

He loves how hardworking/helpful you are

Your always helping kita around the farm whenever you can

And he can tell you put all of your effort into helping

And when your not helping on the farm

You can usually be found inside helping tidy up the house

Honestly kitas never had a helping hand around the farm before

So he really appreciates it whenever you offer to help

He loves your sense of adventure

Every once in awhile you'll drag him off of the farm

And just go driving around the countryside

Seeing What new places you can find

Ngl you've gotten lost many many times on these little road trips

But that just adds to the fun!

Favorite things to do together

Omg

This man SCREAMS domestic

Like hell find little joys in doing things like

Cooking dinner with you

Reading with you

Taking walks with you

Cleaning with you

The little things yk

But he does love it when you guys will take little getaways to the city

Hell admit running a farm can get exhausting

So he likes it when you two just pack your things and plan a weekend in the city

Going to shops

Exploring

Seeing old friends

He loves it all

Random Hc

He kills all the bugs inside the house

Thank god

And he doesn't even kill them

He just catches them and sets them free outside

Soft boi ❤️

He made you an art room inside the house

Every now and then hell just go in there and admire some of your works

Whenever you guys go to the market he makes sure to stock up on sweets for you

But he has to hide them so you don't eat them all

Sundays are your quote unquote relaxation days

It's basically where you tidy up the house while listening to music

Then spend the rest of the day enjoying eachothers company

Whether that be reading together

Watching movies together

Or playing video games together

He doesn't really care to play video games

But he likes to spend time with you so hell play them anyways

His nicknames for you include: Dear, My love, and Sweetness

Old couple vibes right here

Overall Aesthetic

Honeycore 🍯

Songs-

Falling for you (peachy and mxmtoon)

Put your head on my shoulder (paul anka)

Can't help falling in love with you (Elvis)

Mr.Sandman (The Chordettes)

#haikyuu!!#haikyu x reader #haikyuu fandom #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu matchups #kita x y/n #kita headcanons #kita hcs #kita x reader #kita shinsuke #kita supremacy

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tiergan-vashir · 5 years ago

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Hi. Just want to thank you for being open about your experiences. Seeing your posts is part of what made me think about whether I’m actually cis or not. Idk what to call myself because I never questioned myself until now, mostly because I’ve always been called a pretty girl (sorry that that sounds arrogant) and figured that’s what I should be. But recently I started thinking about things I did as a kid or even stories I wrote. And I realized that before I even I guess knew the pressures of (1/4)

Hey Anon! I’m going to put my response to you under a cut, because it’s quite long, but I hope it might help and be of some use to you on your journey with your gender.

I think the most useful thing a friend has ever told me when it came to gender is that “Cis people don’t really think about it.” Cis women don’t typically sit and yearn or dream of being a different gender, wearing a different gender’s clothes with a different gender’s body. If you’re worrying or even considering that the gender you were assigned at birth might not be the gender you truly are - I think that’s something worthy of giving some space and putting some time into in order to explore and discover the different parts of yourself.

If you do all that exploration and internal reflection and decide in the end, that you really are cis after all - then at least you reaffirmed it for yourself and maybe learned some new things about yourself along the way that can lead to greater creativity and self-expression. But if you realise you’re not cis, you can start walking down a path to even more self-acceptance and self-discovery.

When it comes to gender dysphoria and whether or not you may have it, I would say that sometimes people have set notions on what gender dysphoria is and completely miss that they’ve been experiencing it at all. There’s actually different types of gender dysphoria and different folks experience them in different ways (or not at all. For example, someone might feel physically dysphoric but not socially or vice versa). I would also try to look out for instances of gender euphoria, which can also be a telling sign.

In my personal experience, I didn’t know being nonbinary was an even option until just a few years ago. After that, I still doubted my gender, because when it came to dysphoria, literally all the stories I’d ever heard were ones where trans folks were so powerfully dysphoric that living life as their assigned birth gender was absolutely unbearable.

Because I’d never heard anything different, I thought that being in a constant, state of overwhelming suffering was mandatory part of the trans experience before you transition and that if you weren’t utterly miserable, depressed, or suicidal as a pre-transition trans person, it meant you were cis. Period. I had no idea at the time that dysphoria can actually come in different forms (social and physical) and can come in varying degrees of strength.

This youtube video is the best way I’ve ever heard someone describe how I personally also have experienced gender dysphoria, which is as an ever present ‘hum’. Background noise that is so constant that you start to not hear it anymore, because it’s always there. Being referred to by she/her pronouns didn’t really bug me (though that’s changed now if I can tell someone’s intentionally trying to misgender me). I don’t HATE my body. I just feel a little awkward about it and don’t really like looking at it all that much - but I thought that was kinda normal for anyone who wasn’t a super model. I hated most women’s clothing for most of my life, but I just kinda thought I just didn’t like fashion. I could live as a woman if I had to, even if I sometimes found myself wishing and dreaming (both figuratively and literally) I was a tall handsome man instead.

Meanwhile, just like that video above also describes: gender euphoria was like a bell. This bright, short-lived flash of happiness and joy. Every time someone referred to me as he/his OOC, I felt this burst of happiness and excitement. Every time I saw pictures online of androgynous people or women that could dress so masculinely people mistook them for men, I felt a joyful rush. (The Kpop singer Amber had me obsessed for weeks. I thought I had a crush on her, until I realised I straight up wished I could BE her, because so many people mistook her for a boy in a girl’s band.)

There were several times in the past where I low-key avoided telling people what my gender was IRL when I played as male characters in other games, because I wanted to spend just a little more time getting to enjoy people calling me by male pronouns OOC. And when I was a young teenager RPing male characters, I straight up lied to my RP buddy and told them I was a boy, crafting this whole other persona of this tall, handsome male version of myself. I liked being seen as a boy so much that I didn’t want to ruin the illusion of it.

Unfortunately, this backfired when this RP buddy and I became very close and they eventually wanted to visit me IRL. I spent hours trying on my brother’s clothes, and then burst into tears, because my body was all wrong and I just could not pass as male at all. It was the strongest gender dysphoria I’d ever felt in my life.

I feel like that should probably have been the moment I realised I wasn’t quite cis, but I didn’t even know what ‘transgender’ or ‘nonbinary’ was at that time. And even when I did learn it was a thing, living as a girl/woman wasn’t CONSTANT SUSTAINED SUFFERING to me, so the thought that I might not be cis didn’t even register.

It was instead the repeated, consistent bursts of gender euphoria over the years that eventually made me question myself and my gender. Noticing again and again how much more ecstatic and joyful I felt when seeing people who were visibly genderqueer or when people referred to me by he/him pronouns or just thought I was a man, really hit home.

Unfortunately, people don’t really talk about gender euphoria very much at all when it comes to the trans experience, just about the suffering. Even now, I still sometimes get hit with bursts of “but is it really enough? have I suffered enough to earn this label? Am I a ‘transtrender’?” Sometimes the joy and happiness at being gendered correctly is also a really good sign.

The funny thing is, once I realised I wasn’t a cis woman, I was able to re-examine traditionally feminine things see how I felt about them. Like I mentioned in another post, I used to HATE and feel frustrated by make-up. Now I love it and deeply enjoy it now that I feel like it’s about my own self-expression instead of me doing something because it’s what women are supposed to do. I discovered I love long, elaborate earrings and want to wear those things regularly While I generally prefer more androgynous clothing, there are a few very feminine pieces of clothing I really like (and some that make me so dysphoric I yeeted them into the trash).

On the flipside, I also found out I really, really fucking love suits and want to look and feel powerful in one. I want several masculine-cut vests, and ties as soon as I find ones I like that actually fit me. I love anything that minimizes the existence of my boobs and want to fine more masculine footwear (though that’s hard, because I have tiny feet). I tossed most of my bras out and replaced them with bralettes. And I love blending the masculine and feminine together. I was ecstatic when a friend told me that I achieved Peak Gender Confusion Inducement with my new haircut. Seeing Billly Porter in his gown + tuxedo jacket combo made my heart fucking sing.

I feel really free and empowered to be more myself than I have in a long time. And I hope, if anything else, your exploration helps you find that in yourself too regardless of what your gender winds up being in the end.

Hope this helps! Sorry this was so long.

#gender stuff #rl ramblings #gender #Anonymous

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moody-bloosh · 5 years ago

Text

moody’s musings

Before the New Year comes I wanted to talk a bit and if you’ll indulge me I hope you would be willing to listen to me talk about my writing journey. It’s a little bit more on the retrospective side.

i wanted to do this mostly because I still can’t believe that I’ve been writing since 2013. Even though I did take a 2 year-ish break from writing and I just felt this profound need to try to process this whole odyssey of writing. And I think this is the best way I can do something like that. I wanted to share it with all of you following me right now because I guess, since the year is closing I’m a little sentimental but also because since I created this blog. I just felt so grateful to this community for being so welcoming and kind and I just felt safe enough to talk about this.

(under the cut because it’s a little long-ish and just in case you lovelies don’t want to read about this)

So yeah. I wanted to talk a bit about my thoughts

I started writing in 2013 on a little site called Wattpad. I haven’t written on it for a while now mostly because I started to not like the climate there. That was where I started off writing Yandere x Reader fics. Looking back at it and if I were to read my old stuff, I think I would cringe. But I was very proud of it. It was the first time I decided to put my writing out there when for a good chunk of my childhood I would just keep all my writings in a smol notebook I hid under my bed. I never thought it would amount to much but I guess we were all in our edgy phases back then because a lot of people read it.

I stopped writing on it and I’ve mostly been neglecting my Wattpad account but since I feel comfortable about it now and if you guys have reached this far. I felt like I wanted to share it, so here it is.

Moody/Ivory’s old Wattpad account >> Let the cringefest begin.

In 2016, I got into the rabbit hole known as kpop. I started writing for this little group known as BTS. And it was around this time that I started to write on tumblr. I was very proud of all the things I wrote there but I ended up getting a little bit sad that only my NSFW things were getting more notes than the other stuff I would write. Looking back at it, I guess it was wrong of me to just look at notes. But nevertheless, I really loved writing for kpop. Though I started to feel a little shy about writing fanfics about real people. (Just in case, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong or right about it, just that personally I started to feel shy about writing about it.)

Here is a masterlist of my old kpop writing blog.

I stopped writing around 2017. I had a very deep writer’s block that I just couldn’t get out of so I decided to focus on other things like movies. And the whole time, I felt very empty because I felt that I had lost my ability to write. I would find myself starting on wips but just being unable to finish them,

Around late 2018, I still wasn’t able to write but I decided to stop writing NSFW things entirely due to personal reasons. It wasn’t anything big but I ended up deleting a lot of my NSFW fics because of it. Interestingly, when my purge of NSFW things happened, tumblr also engaged in their NSFW purge.

Early 2019, I took a class about Creativity and for my Final project, I submitted 3 pieces of fanfiction. I got a really good grade for that class and looking back at it. I was very grateful to the professor of that class.

Sometime around September - ish of 2019. I got it in my head that I really wanted to start writing again. So I found an old wip of mine that I had long abandoned and I just sat down and sincerely tried to finish it.

I realize now that I’ve come back to my niche as a Yandere writer but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve been able to explore writing things like fluff and angst and...

I’m just so happy to be able to write again.

There’s nothing here that I want to impart, no fancy message or moral. Just that. Writing is awesome and I am so grateful for you guys. Every little like or reblog you gave me really cheered me up and helped me get through difficult times.

I was able to meet a lot of wonderful lovely people and I hope to be able to meet more.

Thank you for reading this far. I hope wherever you are, you have a Happy New Year as well.

#pause #personal

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 6 years ago

Text

Lost In Japan (Jimin x You)

A/N: this idea just popped in my head while I am taking a bath, and I rushed through my skincare routine just so I can jot this down 😂 anyway, I am going to combined this request with another. This being part one and the other part two. but it can also be read as a oneshot. I had wanted to do a story based on this song ever since I heard it (Lost In Japan by Shawn Mendes) bcs it just reminds me of the feeling you get at night on your holidays when you are just strolling around after a long day of exploring the city and met someone exciting ❤ and I dont know from what country you are anon, and I am not from Japan either, its just based on this song so you can imagine elsewhere ❤ Sorry if this is not what you have in mind

MASTERLIST

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here and you are in no way obligated to do it but if any of you like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

A/N: I cant just keep a good thing to myself, so for those who are looking for a variety and affordable BTS and KPOP merchandise. visit this link right here okay

"Ahhh finally!" Jimin dropped his carry on on the floor and lie down in the middle of the bed, spreading out as wide as he can after taking off his stuffy jacket and mask. Airport arrivals are fun. Fun seeing their fans coming out all the way just to catch a glimpse of them and to welcomed them to their country. But as much as it is fun, it is also damn tiring. Especially when they are mobbed by crazy fans. Jimin is thankful he and his brothers managed to get out from the commotion as fast as they could and arrived safely at the hotel. And he is more thankful that they have individual rooms now.

Dont get him wrong. Sharing a room with Taehyung or Jungkook or even one of his hyungs are fun. Theres someone he can talk to and do fun vlive clips with, but sometimes he needs some space without anyone breathing down his neck too. Times like this, where he juat want to rest his tired body.

Japan.

A country they are so familiar with already.

Two days of concert here and three days of free days for him and his brothers to roam about before they fly back to Korea for their other schedules.

Jimin cant wait to shop, sightsee and of course eat. He had learn long ago to treat every tour like a vacation in order to make the whole journey less tiring, more fun and less stressed. Just like what the others told him, it doesnt matter as long as they have fun performing, their fans will surely have fun with them too.

But Jimin can feel that something more exciting is going to happen this time.

He can just feel it.

/////

"Y/N, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!"

Y/N calmly look up from the table shes wiping. Shes so used to her bestfriend yapping around like crazy. She used to get excited at first, but now, she learns that its better fir her to actually hear the news first. Mika can get super excited about a rock for all she knows.

"What is it that I wont believe Mika?" Y/N laughs. Thank god the cafe she works in has less customer today.

"BTS is coming! For a two days concert!" Mika shrieked.

"Okay... and?" She give her friend a short glimpse and turn back to her task.

"And?! What do you mean and?!" Mika went around and shakes her shoulders.

"Mika, they come here fir a concert every year! Sometimes even twice a year. Its not really a huge news," Y/N rolls her eyes.

"Oh right, I forgot," she giggles.

"You forgot they have a tour here every year? Every year that you become crazy everytime its announced?" Y/N eyed her friend, tapping her foot.

"No. I forgot about the news that you will not believe. The great news is...." she paused for dramatic effect before jumping and yelling, almost breaking Y/N's eardrum. "I got us two VIP tickets and a special fansign invite for both days! Both! Aaaahhhhhh!"

"Oh, thats great Mika! No wonder you are excited!" Y/N's smile grew. Mika has been trying to get tickets every year but she never made it. Online or physically lining up, she never gets the chance to get one. Y/N wonders how hard she work to get the tickets this time.

"Well, arent you?" Mika looks at her weirdly. "I know you are an ARMY too. And arent you excited? You can actually meet them, and converse with them! What if they fall in love with one of us?!" Mika exclaimed, already excited at the thought.

"Well, I am an ARMY," Y/N laughs at her friends cuteness. "But I only like them as a talented idol Mika. I dont even know what to talk to them about. And falling in love?" She giggles. "That only happens in fan fictions my friend. They will most probably already forget about you once the next fan came in view," she shakes her head and continue to clean the table, making Mika pouts.

"Sometimes I hate how practical you are. Cant you just let me dream a little?" She crosses her arm across her chest. "But still, you are coming with me right? Riggght?"

"Well, if you are willing to take me, then of course Mika," Y/N grins. "Of course I'll go with you. Who knows, maybe one of them will really fall in love with me," she giggles at the ridiculous statement.

Or she thought so.

/////

"Lets go people. We can do this!" Namjoon calls out behind the curtains, a few minutes before they are meeting their lucky fans who won the fansign event. After some peptalk and group hugs they went out and start the event.

The crowd is packed and loud, as usual. Girls screaming out their names and waving, trying to get their attention. Each of them did they usual routine, smiling, asking basic questions, answering the questions given to them, making aegyo, handshakes, posing for photos, wearing cute headbands and all sorts of fan service. Jimin is enjoying his time meeting his fan. He loves the attention they gives him and he appreciate all the support they gave to him all these years.

"Next!" The security calls out so the line will move as the fans switched to the next members. Jimin reaches out for the album and booklet in front of him, still looking down at thr album, flipping to the post-it where he should place his signature. But the post-it came empty, its just there as a mark to where he should place his signature. Iy seems the fan has no questions for him, which is a first. Their fans always have multiple questions for them to answer

"No question?" He looks up and immediately stopped blinking. In front of him stood the most beautiful angel he has ever since. Well, shes an angel to him, at least as everyone else seems to be perfectly normal.

"N-no question to ask?" He stuttered and mentally slapping himself. Shit, what is wrong with me. You are Park Jimin, composed yourself!

"Oh," she laughs, the most beautiful sound Jimin has ever heard. "No. Just an autograph will do,"

"Uh.. o-okay," with shaky hands Jimin put down his signature. God, what is wrong with me. I have met so many girls before and I am never like this. Calm down Park Jimin, composed yourself before she thinks you are weird. Come on, say something!

Jimin look around at the laughing fans by around him, talking to to the other members, talking to Taehyung and Jungkook, who is on his right and left side and he realized how quiet and awkward he is with this fan.

"O-oh right. I am Jimin. Whats your name?" Introducing yourself at your own fansign? Are you stupid Park Jimin?

She giggles.

And Jimin's heart skipped a beat. How unusual.

"I know you are Jimin. How can I come here and not know you," she leans forward to a whispering gesture, making Jimin's heart thumped faster at her close proximity. "ARMYs will kill me if I dont," she giggles more and leans back to her normal position in front of him. "And my name is Y/N,"

Jimin smile. How bold. How interesting. And what a name. Beautiful. Just like her.

"And Y/N.. how come you have no questions to ask? Arent ARMYs always curious?" He taps her post it to show the blank paper and Y/N shakes her head.

"No. Not really," she smiles. "Nothing that I want to know,"

"Just nothing for me or for everyone?" Jimin feels the need to ask. He felt like he needs to know if Y/N is just not interested in him or she really doesnt have a question for everyone.

"Well, its not just you. I dont have a question for everyone," Y/N's smile got bigger. Jimin raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Well, because everything you are allowed to tell me, it will be published in the news, or articles or something anyway. And if I asked you a real question, you wont be allowed to answer truthfully anyway. Isnt that right?" she laughs. "So no. No questions,"

Jimin was stunt. Never has anyone ever throw that cold hard truth to his face. Its true. Whatever they are showing and potraying in public, the character that they show, all of it is something that they want their fans to see. There are still parts of them that their fans doesnt know. A part of them, rhat is the real them that they didnt show the world. Mouth agape, Jimin looks at Y/N's face, not knowing what else to say.

His gut js right. Jimin is right, fron the moment he looks up to her face, he knew theres definitely something special about her.

"Well, whats your real question?" Jimin finally find his voice and the bravery he needed.

"When you are allowed to answer it, then I'll ask about it," she giggles, just in time for the security to shout next, and Y/N waves a hand and move aside before Jimin could say anything else. Y/N move to Taehyung, leaving Jimin speechless, and fascinated.

Y/N... hmmm.. his feelings is right then. Japan is going to be interesting this time around.

/////

Jimin knew he is going to see Y/N again at the concert. Everyone who attends the fanmeet has a VIP ticket, which is a particularly small section that is made special for them right in front of the stage. He is sure if he look hard enough, he will see her. Shes too beautiful, and too special to him now for Jimin not to notice.

And sure enough, the moment their went on stage, Jimin saw her face, smiling brightly with her Army bomb in hand, giggling with her friend. A surge or energy runs through him. Jimin suddenly feels like he needs to do the very best tonight, no, extra best tonight. He needs to show her that he is Jimin, and he is up here, looking at her and apprently, only at her.

Jimin never kept her eyes off her, which is a little hard to do considering he needs to sing and dance and converse with his fans, well, other fans too. And its a stranger feeling for him, when a pang of jealousy hits him hard when he saw Y/N waving and taking photos of Taehyung, jumping and singing along to the other members' part.

What the hell is wrong with me? Shes a fan! She didnt pay for the tickets only to see you alone Jimin.

Without realizing, Jimin suddenly feek the need to futher make his existabce known. Known to Y/N. And keeping his eyes only on her, he starts to show off his dancing skills, making extra sexy moves and flirty gestures, which of course, make the packed stadium roared with cheers but reveiving weird looks from the other members.

It doesnt matter.

The crowd. The music. The members.

What matters is that if this will make Y/N looks at him, it was all worth it.

At least he hope she understand the sign hes trying to tell her.

/////

"Woah, what is wrong with Chim today?" Mika stares at the satge, mouth dropped opened. "I mean, I know he is sexy and all, but thats like being possesed with a sexy spirit or something," she points to Jimin who was grinding on the stage floor. "I dont remember the cheography being like that,"

Y/N shrugs.

"Maybe its a concert only special performance," Y/N justified.

"How are you so calm? He is even looking at you while doing all that. Oh my god, he really is!" Mika jumped, waving her Army bomb with excitement.

"Not at me Mika. My direction. Our direction. He cant even see the crowd with all those blinding lights. And look around you, theres thousand of people here," she laughs. "You think he wouls pick me out from the crowd?"

"Hey, you never know. You personally met him at the fansign. Maybe he remembers you," Mika giggles at how practical her friend. Girl, dream a little!

"Hello," Y/N rolls her eyes. "Everybody here went to the fansign Mika. This is the VIP section!"

"Oh my god. I forgot! Maybe you are right. But hey, its not wrong to imagine!" Mika laughs, Y/N joining her.

"Stop imagining useless things and just enjoy the rest of the concert!" Y/N yells through the noise, laughing. "Besides, its Park Jimin, being sexy and flirty on stage is his thing. I dont think thats anything extra anyway,"

"Okay, okay, you are right. Lets just enjoy this!" Mika grab her shoulders and starts bouncing, waving her Army bomb around. Y/N joins in, singinf along and recording videons of her and Mika, totally not realizing how hard Jimin is trying to wink her way.

/////

"I did everything I can, and she still dont even acknowledge me!" Jimin huffed.

"Are you serious? Shes a fan and you still cant get her to even look at you? Wow Chim, you really have no jams," Namjoon laughs.

"Hyung, its not funny! What do I do?" Jimin grumbled.

"Okay, okay. Lets think. The whole two days. She didnt look at you? At all?" Namjoon inquired, trying to help the younger man.

"Well, she does look at me..," Jimin ponders.

"Okay. Then whats the problem? You did talk to her at the fansign yesterday right? And today? Did you guys hit it off? Did you two share any interest? Maybe you are just not her type. What did you two talked about? Tell me everything from A to Z," Namjoon pulls a chair and sits in front of him, giving Jimin his full attention.

"T-talk?"

"Yeah. Talk. Like what we are doing right now. Hi I'm Jimin, I like you, can I have your number so I can take you out sometime, that kind of thing," Namjoon eyed him carefully.

"W-well... I didnt really talk to her hyung.." Jimin trailed off.

"What do you mean? You get her name. What else did you ask her? You met her twice at a fan sign Chim," Namjoon eyed him curiously.

"Well, at the first meef, I asked her for her name, so I can sign her album. And she explained to me why she dont asks any questiona, and then I blanked out and before I know it, it was already Taehyung's turn," Jimin pouted. "The time is too short for each person!"

"Well, you never complain before!" Namjoon roll her eyes. "Them what about today?"

"T-today?" Jimin stutter nervously as the memory of today's fansign entered his mind.

He was in no mood at all today After the concert on the first day, Jimin was frustrated. Y/N didnt notice him. After the concert she went back like everyone else. She went out so fast he didnt even get the chance to ask security or his managers to call her out. Jimin knew that he wont evenr see her again. Having that in his mind ruin his whole mood.

He went by fan by fan, signing their album and giving small smiles when required. When asked, he only says hes a bit tired and his fans will express their worry and tell him to get some rest. Never would have thought that he would hear the voice again as a a flatten box of their offical light stick and the photocarda were slide in front of him.

"You already sign all my albums and posters yesterday, so this is all I have left for you to sign," Jimin look up to the smiling face of Y/N and he thought hes dreaming.

"Y/N?"

"Yeah," she smile. "Wow, you remembered me!"

"O-of course I do!" Jimin tries to calm himself. "I didnt think you would come again, and both fansigns? Wow,"

"Well," she giggles. "I guess I am your biggest fan. All of you were great last night,"

"Yeah? But you went off so fast!" Jimin pouts and cursed himself for saying that when Y/N gives him a weird look. Now he sounds like a stalker.

"So fast? How did you know?" Y/N asked him curiously. Did Jimin really saw her in the crowd?

"Uh well.. call it intituition," he laughs awkwardly and Y/N just nodded.

"Well..." Y/N looks around, feeling awkward as she waits for the fan in front of Taehyung to move and lets a breath if relief when she does. "Okay, I'll go now,"

"Wait!" Jimin panics. This might be his last chance to have any sort if way to contact her. "Do-you-think-you-can-give-me-"

"And oh, good luck for tonight," Y/N suddenly say at the same time as his word jumble and patted his hand. The moment her hand touched his, eventhough its just a pat and for a second, Jimin blanked out, all his senses gone, heart pumping so rapidly it almost burst out. Bedore he can calm himself down and find words again, the security already shouted next and Y/N quicy waved and move on to Taehyung.

"Both times? Seriously? You blanked out both times??" Namjoon is shrieking out now. "God, you are hopeless!"

"Y-yeah..." Jimin look at his hyung, scared. "Its not my fault she touched my hand hyung!" Jimin try to defend himself.

"Touch Chim. Not even hold. And you have done this with countless fans! Girl fans!" Namjoon is at the brink of giving up.

"But hyunggg," Jimin wailed. "Thise firls are not Y/N! She's so pretty and smart, and not startruck and everything she said to Tae and Kookie are funny and smart then I'm the one who kinda got starstruck..."

"Oh my god, you are a bigger idiot than I thought," Namjoon hissed and slap Jimin's forehead, making him rubbed it "Okay, fine. But if you barely even talked to her, why are you saying she didnt acknowledge you? I mean... even if she does, which I think she should with your stupidity, she didnt even have a chance to say it, right?"

"But hyungggg, even if I didnt directly say it, its obvious I am flirting with her. And only her!" Jimin answered as if his effort is the most obvious thing in the world.

"Flirt? How?" Namjoon asked, curious on what Jimin meant by flirting if they never even have a proper conversation.

"Didnt you see my extra sexy moves on stage? My winks, my flying kisses, my hip thrusts, how many times I run my hand through my hair, and seductively too if I might add, during these two concert?" Jimin smile proudly.

"Wait, are you saying your little cabaret show this past two nights is you flirting with her?" Namjoon rubs his chin.

"Duhh, of course hyung. What else? I am not a man slut like Kookie who do it for fun hyung,"

"Idiot!" Namjoon slap his head hard this time. "That is what you call flirting? We thought you were possesed by some strip club ghost or something!"

"Ow hyungg, what the hell??" Jimin rubbed his forehead.

"How the fuck is Y/N supposed to know you are flirting with her when you do that in front of a packed stadium you dimwit? A stadium full of screaming girls too! And you always do those shit, yeah, its a little extra this time, but she will just think you are doing your typical flirting with the crowd thing," Namjoon hissed

"W-what?" Jimin panics. "Do you really think she thinks like that? That I am justsome big flirt to my fans?"

"Duhhh," Namjoon roll his eyes.

"But its all for her!" Jimin wailed.

"She didnt know that dumbass. You should have shown your interest during the fanmeet. Both freaking times!" Namjoon sighed and stands up.

"Wait, where are you going hyung? We are not done yet!" Jimin stands up and follow his hyung like a puppy.

"I am not entertaining this dumb shit. Im going,"

"But what am I going to do?!" Jimin wailed for help.

"Nothing. The concert is over Chim. Just pray that you will see her again," Namjoon shrugs before he leaves the room. "You have three days before we fly back home. Make it count,"

/////

Their free day was filled with sight seeing, shopping and eating. Jimin had fun, yes, but he cant help but feeling down whenever he thought about his lost chance of getting to know Y/N more. He has never been this interested in a woman before, nor has he even felt this kind of amazing chemistry towards a girl. Y/N is special, Jimin know she is. And although he doesnt know for sure if she really is the one for him, but he is sure that he atleast wants to get to know her better. And he wants to see where they will go from there.

"Cheer up hyung! Its only a girl. You will forget her soon. I am sure of it," Jungkook smile and roughly hug his shoulder, dragging him into the anime store. "Atleast your amazing favorite maknae is still here with you,"

"Yeah. Annoying maknae," he laughs. "I am in no mood to look at animes abd robots Kook, and also in no mood to hear you and Tae arguing about whos the better hero or whatever," he looks around the street. "I am going to head there, the coffee shop. Meet me there okay?"

Jungkook shrugs and pulls Taehyung to the store instead as Jimin make his way to the coffeeshop. Securing his mask and cap, he enters and nothing surprised him more than seeing the perfect girl smiling at a customer behind the cashier counter.

Y/N.

/////

"Okay.. if thats Y/N.. why are the three of us hiding behind this huge flower pot like some criminal?" Jungkook asks Jimin in confusion. His hyung rans in panics and drags both him and Taehyung to the coffee shop. And with panting breath, he nervously points towards a girl and only one word comes out from his mouth. "Y/N" and they have been hiding behind a huge flower pot in the coffee shop since then.

"Well, because I dont want her to see us. See me. What do I say?" Jimin wioes his sweaty forehead.

"Thats it? Thats the reason you ran all the way, drag me and Tae-hyung here, and hides behind this pot for 40 minutes now?!" Jungkook looks at his hyung, not believing his reason. "Thats it, I'm going in and introducing us and getting you her number!"

"Wait. What?? No!" Jimin drags Jungkook back behind the pot.

"Why? Isbt that what you want hyung? Her number? You have been moping since last night!"

"Y-yeah.. but how can I just ask her. Thats Y/N. Y/N! What if she say no? O-or she laughs at me? Or thinks I'm weird?" Jimin is freaking out and even he hinself doesnt know why he is like this.

"Well, we dont know if we dont try Chim. Let me and Kookie go and ask for you," Taehyung speaks up and stands up, revealing himself. Jimin panics and pulls him back behind the pot.

"What the hell! No! Sit Tae. Let me just think of something okay? I need to impress her somehow. So she would never ever say no," Jimin rubs her chin and the three sits behind the pot for a while longer, all in silence before Jimin suddenly shouted. "Okay, I got it! She will say yes to be my girlfriend after this! I am sure of it!"

/////

"From Park Jimin? The Korean idol Park Jimin?" Y/N eyed the flower delivery man curiously as he smile and nods. "Is this a prank? Tell me, who put you up to this? Its a girl right?"

"Uh no.. its really Park Jimin. He came to the shop. With Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jungkook. I know its them because I am a fan and also," he taps the note on the flower, "Park Jimin put his name there,"

"So right now... you are saying.. that the world famous idol, Jimin, Jungkook and Taehyung, just walk into your store, in broad daylight, and ordered flowers.. for me?" She points to herself.

"Uh.. yeah. Thats about right," the deliveryman nods again and smile. Y/N lets out a loud sarcastic laugh.

"Okay, good one. I am pretty sure this is a prank now," she received the flowers and sniff it. "Atleast I get flowers, prank or not. Thanks,"

The delivery guy shrugs and leaves, but not before looking at Y/N as if shes crazy.

"It must be Mika. Shes the only one who thinks Jimin is looking at me at the concert," Y/N shrugs and continue her work, the flowers forgotten.

Or so she thought.

Throughout the day, many more weird deliveries were made. More flowers, big, expensive ones too, cupcakes, balloons, choclates, chocolates bouquets, and even a puppy, which Y/N immediately asked to be sent back. At this rate she knows it couldnt be Mika. Is it really Jimin?

But why?

How does he knows where she works?

Even if he did finds out, did he really remember her?

And even if he did remember, why is he sending her all this stuff?

Y/N was confused for the whole day, and shes also embarassed when the customers and even her supervisor keeps complimenting how sweet her boyfriend is. Truth is, shes nor even sure if its really Jimin whos sending her all this stuff.

The gifts continue for the next three days, and Y/N just accept and places it all at the store room, even fivinf out the food to her colleagues and loyal customers. After a long hard shift, its finally time to close up. And deciding to leave everything she receives today at the shop, she cleans up and cloaed up the shop. While locking the door suddenly someone tapped her back.

"A delivery for Miss Y/N..."

"Seriously?!" With a frustrated and tired sighed she turns around. "Its almost 12 am at- J-Jimin?"

Y/N couldnt ever imagine thats its really Park Jimin standing in front of her, holding a huge bouquet of flowers. His face is covered with a mask, yes, but theres no doubt that its him.

"Well.. yeah. Are you expecting someone else?" Jimin cocks his head. Even he is nor sure where he gets his sudden confidence.

"Well... no. But I didnt expect it to be you either. Is it safe for you to roam around Japan like this? Are you lost?" Y/N furrowed her brows. How can he be lost? Where is manager?

"No. I am not lost. Unless you count loss of words everytime I see you," he smile.

"Huh?"

"Uh.. no, no, nothing. Uh.. you dont sound excited to be receiving all the gifts I sent you?" Jimin suddenly remembered hows frustrated she sound earlier when she thought he ia the delivery man.

"Well, to be honest. Not really. I mean.. I am not even sure it its really from you. And even though it is, I am still curious as to why? I mean... you dont really know me... and we are not really friends. Right?" Y/N looks at him.

Jimin is speechless. Doesnt girls like that kind of stuff? Especially from someone like him? But as he look at Y/N who is standing in front of him, face full of confusion, he realizes, Y/N is not like normal girls. thats why he felt attracted to her. Look at her right now, standing in front of him bur isnt starstruck at all.

"Uh.. to be honest, I kinda feel a chemistry between us when we first met at the first fansign..." Jimin takes a deep breath. Courage dont leave me now. "And.. I uh.. would like to talk more with you. To get to know you,"

"Okay..m so you decide to stalk me?" Y/n take a step back, a little scared. Jimin raised his hands up defensively.

"No, no! Its not like that. I didnt stalk you to find out where you work. I accidentally found out where you work 3 days ago, so I thought I could send you gifts, as a way to break the ice-"

"Wait, so you had known where I work for three days, and instead of coming in and say hi, like a normal person, you decide to flaunt your money and buy me stuff?" Y/N is trying to understabd what is the man trying to do.

"Well.. uh.. it sounds bad when you put it like that...but-but I thought you knew about my interest in you!" Jimin tries to safe whatever dignity he has left as Y/N eyes him carefully. "I have been flirting with you for the two whole concert days!"

"Flirting? When??" Y/n questioned him. "You barely even talk to me during the fansign Jimin-ssi," Y/N reminds him.

"D-dont you see me malong eye contact with you on stage? All those dance moves? Those extra stuff I did?"

"Huh?" Y/N looks straight at him. "Are you telling me that is you flirting?" Y/N didnt know if she should laugh or be pissed right now. "Thats the way to show me that you want to talk to me?"

"Y-yes,"

"Jimin... If you want to talk to me you can just ask. To be honest, I find you interesting to talk to too," Y/N smile.

"Really?!"

"Yeah... but after this weird gift giving thing... I am not sure..."

"What? No! I am not weird! Uh actually," Jimin panics. Is Y/N really going to just shut him away now? He has to do something. The thing that he planned to do when he came here. "Actually, I'm flying back to Korea tomorrow but before I leave... I just uh... wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend," he quickly pulls out a box with a white gold diamond bracelet inside. "And give you this,"

Y/N was silenced for a moment and Jimin hope that thats a good sign. He knows its rash, but hes leaving to Korea tomorrow and he needs a way to stay in touch with her. To just... make her his.

"Are you seriously kidding me right now?" Was Y/N's answer after the silenced.

"N-no?"

Y/N scoff.

"You never even introduce yourself properly to me. Or get to know me. Or even talk to me for the matter! How do you know you even really like me? If its only a blind atttaction, only because you like how I look, then I dont want any of it! Yes, I am your fan and I kmow mostly everything about you, but I dont want to know you as BTS' Park Jimin, I want to know you as Park Jimin... do you get it? And giving me ridiculous expensive gifts for three days is flirting and a way to talk to me?? And please know that hip thrusting and swiping your hair back on stage doesnt count either. What are you trying to do? Do you think I am that kind of girl Jimin?" Y/N look softly at him.

"I want a guy to ask me out, to ask me if I have plans and take his time to know me. I dont need your money or your fame Jimin. If you really like me, you would know thats the kind of girl I am. I am leaving, I am sorry, I have to declined. Have a safe flight back to Korea," Y/N bows and walks away, leaving Jimin alone.

Jimin was silenced by her unexpected outburst. He really didnt think ahe would say all this, nor did he think about how stupid his plans are. Taehyung and Jungkook has warned him, even suggested to just greet her and ask for her number, but noooo, he has to feel like he needs to impress her with expensive gifts. Now look what happen.Everything she says just make Jimin realized that she is excatly what he wants, who he needs in a woman. In a life partner. He wants to get to know her, all of her, but it seems like hes too late now.

/////

"Hyung? You okay?" Jungkook sat beside him on the bed. Its been a few days after the tour, and Jimin has been sad and locking himself in his rooms ever since.

"Yeah.. I guess?" Jimin answered lifelessly.

"You dont look okay Chim. You look... lost?" Taehyung sat at the other side of him.

"I am lost Tae. I have never been this lost in my entire life. I think I lost myself in Japan, I acted the way I would never have, and because of it, I lost my love,"

"Well.. if you lost something in Japan... I guess you have to go and get it back. Simple Chim," Taehyung grins and pat his back, hoping his best friend will understand what he meant.

/////

What happened last week is still a blur to Y/N. Did Park Jimin really sent her gifts for three days straight? The Park Jimin? Worldwide idol Park Jimin? And did he really showed up to her coffee shop and tell her he lijes ber, and wanted her to be his girlfriend? And did she rejected him, just like that?

Everything is like a dream to her. She is not even sure if it really happened it shes just imagining it all. But the wilted flowers and uneaten chocolate bars proves that all of it is too real.

She cant lie to herself. Her heart did do a little flip at the sight of Jimin that night. Yes, shes practical, but theres still a part of her that wants a fairy tale ending for herself too. She almost say yes, her heart is beating out from her chest. She cant believe its happening, Park Jimin likes her... but then her practical side takes over. Reminding her that they barely knew each other, what if Jimin ends up not liking her? And what she told Jimin is true, she wants someone who will ask her out, who will take his time to learn about her, just as mich as she will learn about him.

Maybe Jimin is only a drean afterall.

As she walks along the sakura covered park, Y/N sighed. Shes at her happy place. Her beautiful home, but she has never felt so lost.

/////

"Thank god I found you here," the voice behind her pants. Y/N immediately turns around only to see Park Jimin panting, holding his knees. Is she hallucinating in broad daylight now?

"Jimin? Is that really you?" She looks at the figure closely. Jimin looks up after catching his breath

"H-hi. I'm Park Jimin, and I came all the way from Korea just to find you, and someone told me that you are at a sakira park, but theres a lot of sakura park during during spring in Japan and I went to like 30 of them and then I got lost all over Japan, but I dont care, because I can handle being lost in Japan, but I cant handle losing myself again and worse, losing a chance to know you," he smile at her stunt reaction. "Y/N.. I got lost all over Japan, just so I can ask you..," Jimin wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans as Y/N smile at his stuttering form.

"Yes, Park Jimin?" Y/N flashed him a wide smile, easing his mind and making all his doubts dissappear, a surge of confidence suddenly surfacing in him.

"Do you... do you perhaps have any plans tonight? Because I want to take you out. I want to spend the whole night getting to know you, all about you," He took a step forward and bravely hold her waist, grinning widely.

"And why would you want to do that when you just met me three times Park Jimin?" Y/N hide her smile any longer.

"Because I.. well, because honestly Y/N..." he tuxks a stray hair behind her ears and look straight into her eyes, "I cant get you out of my mind,"

#bts #bangtan boys #bangtan scenarios #bangtan #BTS jimin #park jimin #bts park jimin #jimin #jimin scenario #jimin fluff #jimin fanfic #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop scenario #kpop merch #bts merch

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v-le · 6 years ago

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Kmusic: My artists in 4 months

Foreword: PHEW this one took a while.... but I have really had so much on my mind lately that i knew i just HAD to churn this one out asap... I also would’ve tried to include videos rather than images but it’s a pain in the butt... I guess my vids will be top secret for now hehe. But really. a true blessing, these 4 months. Ah, I still really cant believe it..

If you were to ask me how I felt about my first semester at Yonsei and simply the past 4 months in Korea, from August 21st to December 23rd, I would probably just emphasize how grateful I am. But to narrow down this deep affection for all the happenings, I would have to do so in a music context. It is such a fascinating and seemingly mundane thing to go on about: Why does my music mean what it means to me to this day? How have those values shaped my experiences in Korea so far? What does it mean for me going forward? These are questions I want to ask myself, reflect upon, and continue to explore as I await to begin another journey in Korea once again.

If I rewind to when I first started listening to Korean music, it would be when I was… I don’t even know. I was exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8 years old, when my sister was sucked into the very beginnings of OG K-pop: Wonder Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, you name ‘em all. I’ve talked about this a lot, but during those days I was never particularly interested in that side of music. It didn’t make much sense to me and it just sounded mreh. But after several years of this exposure, I fell into my own K-pop obsession-hole starting with LEDApple, a very unassuming, catchy-music-making band. I was in it for the music. At first.

Okay, now fast forward past my kpop era: you can read all about it in my very extensive post from about a year ago here. But yes, lets leave that chunk of my life behind and think about where I stand from a “music maturation” perspective. Right here. Right now.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or day or time in which I fell into the “deeper” side of Korean music. I am pretty certain that it simply occurred naturally, gradually. What I know for a fact is that I owe so much of myself to my music. At any given point in my life thus far, my music has defined a large portion of my identity: it really does mean a lot to me. I am constantly listening to music. To narrow this down into my current self’s context, my music mostly consists of Roy Kim, Sam Kim, DAY6, Kim Feel, Fromm, Jung Sewoon, Eddy Kim, Kwon Jin Ah, and many many many others.

These artists, the music that they make, is not K-pop. It never will be. I don’t care what those stupid Spotify playlists call some of the songs from these musicians, but they are not and never will be K-pop. (At most DAY6 could come closest to fitting). My discovery of each and every one of these artists varies from person to person of course, but most of my sentiments remain the same all throughout. I would give my everything for these people. But I want to make it very very very clear: it is not necessarily these PEOPLE, these faces, these appearances, these artists themselves that I am oh-so enthusiastic about. It is their voice & music. That is honestly all it really comes down to at the end of day. It is and has always been about the music.

I owe my deep appreciation for my music to several various factors ranging from emotionally & mentally detached parents & family, my somewhat introverted personality, and my incessantly over-analytical mindset. However, what exactly constitutes this deep appreciation is what I want to explore. A certain fact is that I hated high school. As I grew up through the ages of 13 to 17, I completely despised the American public education system that was high school. Without getting into the complex details about my community that was the heart of Silicon Valley and the various cultural pushes, I just have to say that high school felt like a sort of mental torture for me.

And during all those times, when I needed it the most, when I felt so completely lost, when I felt like no one would listen to me, nothing could console my distressed heart and mind, I always fell back to many of those artists listed above. Particularly to Roy and Sam. I owe them SO MUCH. They literally changed my life.

Home. 영원한 건 없지만. Your Song. These three songs, my life songs. Their lyrics literally saved my life. They mean everything to me. Without these songs from Roy & Sam, I would not be where I am today.

All my artists that I mentioned make their own music. They write, compose, produce, everything. They are the true masters of their voices (see, not K-pop). And so, when I listen to them, when I absorb their voices & melodies, I can sometimes really feel their sincerity, their yearning. I am so thankful for what they have produced for this world and for my ears to hear. However, within the past 4 months, I got to see, know, understand, and FEEL these artists on a whole new level.

In chronological order, here is a list of the artists I saw live &/or in person during my time in Korea thus far:

08/31 Roy Kim & Son Seungyeon @ Picnic Concert

09/01 Monogram, Baek Yerin, Kwak Jineon, Paul Kim, Bol4, Crush, Urban Zakapa @ Someday Festival (Day 1)

09/02 Fromm, Jo Hyunah, Jung Sewoon, Roy Kim, Yong Junhyung & Yang Yoseob, K. Will @ Someday Festival (Day 2)

09/08 DAY6 @ You Made My Day Fanmeeting

09/20 Roy Kim @ SNU Fall Festival

11/02 Roy Kim & Kim Haon @ Daellim Univ. Halloween Festival

11/04 Nam Woohyun (& Jang Dongwoo, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Sungyeol) @ 식목일 (Day 3)

11/10 Fromm @ Seoul Music Forum Mini Concert & Free Fansigning

11/11 Eddy Kim @ Miles Apart Album Fansigning

11/22 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Release Showcase

12/01 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Fansigning

12/09 Fromm @ "Midnight Candy" Mini Album Release Concert

12/16 Roy Kim @ ROchestra Live Tour 2018 (Seoul Day 2)

12/21 Sam Kim @ Lotte Tower World Park Christmas Busking

12/22 DAY6 @ "The Present" Christmas Special Concert (Day 1)

Breakdown:

Free: 5 events

Paid Tix: 6 events

Album Purchase & Application: 4 events

🌹 Roy Kim: 5 times

🌚 Sam Kim: 3 times

🌓 Fromm: 3 times

🎸 DAY6: 2 times

As an avid fan of many of these artists for YEARS, like Infinite for 8 years, Roy for 5, Sam since his debut in Apr. 2016, DAY6 since their debut in Sept. 2015, Fromm for over 4 years, Eddy for over 5 years, etc etc. I NEVER thought I would actually get to see or hear these people live. Okay, granted I saw DAY6 live back in Oct. 2017 as well as Sam & the entire Antenna fam in Sept. 2017, both in LA. But doing 3 fansignings????? Meeting and talking with Fromm, Eddy Kim, AND Sam Kim???? Seeing Roy FIVE TIMES??????????? Three times for FREE, once at a festival, and then even being able to go his end-of-the-year solo concert???????? Y’all…. It was literally a dream come true. A stroke of luck tenfold. Twelvefold. I saw at least one treasured artist a total of fifteen times. Whether it was at a college busking event, the Someday music festival, a fansigning, a fanmeeting, or even a solo concert. I was somehow there.

Seeing Roy live was something I thought I would never ever ever in my lifetime get to do. As I explained in my 1st semester wrap-up post found here, Roy’s situation with school made my hopes seem very bleak from the get-go. But still, my luck persisted 5 times throughout. I almost, nearly, COMPLETELY failed to acquire a ticket for his ROchestra solo concert, Seoul Day 2 show. It was probably the most energy-draining, stressful, painful and TERRIBLE ticketing experience I have ever experienced. And trust me, I’ve done lots of ticketing before (unfortunately). But after 1 hour of staying glued to that PC bang computer screen, I managed. And I went. And maybe I’ll have to do a separate post for it, but Roy Kim’s concert on December 16th, 2018, was the best concert I have ever been to in my life. Easily. It was so breath-taking.

But yes, enough with Roy. Fromm is my ultimate indie goddess and she has a charm that is so indescribably perfect. She decided to release a mini album over a year since her last one, in the middle of November while I was there and I wanted to DIE. It was suchhhhh a solid release, and I even got to attend a free fansigning with her as well for her solo concert for the album release. I LOVE her cheeky personality so much. And she really is just sooooo kind. I couldn’t have much of a conversation with her due to the time constraint, but I at least got to snap a quick selfie heh (which i wont exposed bc privacy ya feel??). Her solo concert was gorgeous in every single way; I honestly would be willing to pay any price to go to it again in a heartbeat. Even though it was for her “Midnight Candy” album release, it was basically a Fromm discography concert because she sang EVERYTHING and I was THIS close to wanting to cry because I just felt so grateful & happy in those moments. I love her I really do. Ah, also, 2 out of the 3 times I saw her, I wrote to her & posted on Instagram and she liked both posts for me :”).

Sam…. My luck with Sam was out of this world honestly…. I still get goosebumps thinking about how blessed I was to see Sam 3 times, 2 times in very special instances. First off. He announced the release of his FIRST FULL album after a TWO YEAR & A HALF HIATUS. Y’all. This boy hadn’t released anything for 2.5 entire years since his debut and then suddenly WHAM he does it. Somehow right when I was in Korea. AH… I still….. I’m still screaming inside. I screamed aloud in my room for a good 5 minutes straight when I first saw the news, and yes, to this day I am still screaming. His three pre-release tracks were GORGEOUS & Sun And Moon, track 1, literally brought me to tears without even trying. I had been missing his voice and presence for so long…

And then, for the full album release, Antenna announced a post in which if you pre-order his album when it comes out & email the Antenna staff with the receipt showing proof, you will be put in a drawing to attend his live showcase on the night of its release. OHMYGOSH. I knew I had to do it. I struggled a little bit & even felt like I was doing everything so untimely, but I am SO blessed that I really was able to order & pay for it, shoot Antenna an email real quick, and then nervously await my results for like a week. That one Friday the results were to be emailed out, I remembering feeling extremely anxious all throughout the day. I desperately wanted to go…. And at 6:00PM…. I got the email!!!!! I was literally shaking, hands & knees trembling and everything. I actually got invited to the ‘Sun And Moon’ 1st Album Showcase!!! Y’all!!! It was so amazing. It was the night before I had to leave to Taiwan early in the morning so it was quite stressful, but still!!!!! I felt so honored to be there that night: the venue was extremely intimate and Sam was soooososoooo gooooddd and the tracks he sang were sooo beautiful and just… everything about it was like a dream. I was truly blessed.

A week later…. Antenna announced Sam’s first FANSIGNING & once again I was overwhelmed with this “OMG I WANT TO GO, but how, should I really, but what about….??”. It was a physical album-purchase-based application process which means I had to go to this specific bookstore in Gangnam, buy x-amount of albums, and based on that amount, my name will be put into a drawing that many times. Very basic fansigning grounds. I already pre-ordered his album for the showcase, so I honestly didn’t really need another one… but I decided to test my luck & just purchase 1 measly album & see if that ONE album will help me get chosen. And o boy. I GOT IN :”)). When I saw my name on that list in the official fancafe post, I couldn’t believe it….

On the day of the fansigning which was happening inside a mall, starting at a certain time I was able to walk in and choose a random number from 1-100 and since I arrived early, I got to choose pretty early as well. When I saw my number I literally gasped aloud: #7. I know it’s a corny & cliché favorite number but only bc infinite ok. Being #7 meant that I literally say FRONT & CENTER of the stage…not even stage. There wasn’t a stage... it was just an open area. My turn came around very quickly because I was early and let’s just say I was a fking mess, repeating thank you over and over & literally, incessantly telling him how thankful I am for his music and how grateful that after all that time he took to came back, he came right when I was in Korea and how I was at Antenna in LA & his showcase too and thank you thank you, yadda yadda. Yeah…..I suck at these things I really do. Then, at the end of it all, he took a picture with the crowd of fans and ended up sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME LMAOOOOOOO. Okay here is a picture of maybe my biggest life accomplishment??? jk but no rly LOL.

look ma, i made it :”)

But really, the fact that I actually got to talk to Sam & just try to relay all my thanks that I have been owing to him for many years… wow… I’m still in shock and I am just so eternally thankful. I used to think to myself “damn, I wish I could talk to Sam one day” and damn…. I really did do it…

Eddy Kim was also another meeting that I could have only dreamed of before coming to Korea… His last release was 4 goddamn years ago oh my gosh… This fansign application was not a random drawing like Sam’s but just a “buy his album at this bookstore & u get in” sort of thing. To be honest I could blatantly tell that Eddy’s popularity is definitely not as comparable to the other artists that I cherish & I was quite shocked by this revelation. I knew for sure in America, who the hell would ever know him. But even in Korea, he seemed… just really not that well-known, especially from a music perspective. It was interesting and even a little disheartening to see. He was very kind & cutely impressed with my Korean skills and we literally just talked in a bunch of Konglish & once again I just kept repeating how thankful I was for his music in my life. How I waited for so long and his release literally matched up with my time there as well. Even though I never got to hear Eddy sing live, I am more than happy with the fact that I simply got to chat with him & relay my heart as best as possible.

After doing 3 full fansignings I have fully realized that as grateful for the opportunities I am, they are so difficult and stressful… To be given such a short amount of time to spill out my heart is essentially impossible for me LOL. I’d rather much LOVE to just to sit down with these artists not to fangirl or cry, but to have a real, genuine conversation about their music and why it holds so much sentiment for me. I would love to ask questions about their music and I would love to share with them how much it means me & why I am so thankful at the end of the day. That’s what I really wish I could do. Because even as I hurriedly expressed my countless thanks and probably sounded like a hot mess, I feel like I still just came off as a surface-level fan saying their thanks. But noo! In reality, I just wanted to relay how much their music means to me (I literally just typed this wow repetition is gr8). Which I feel like I really couldn’t do properly… I couldn’t get my heart across all the way ☹ but it’s okay because as I’ve been repeating, I am infinitely thankful nonetheless.

My first DAY6 event, their 3rd year anniversary 1st fanmeeting, was a bit of a flop for me simply because they talked wayyyyy to much & played stupid games & everything… and it was cute, but not what I was there for. I kinda wished I heard more of them singing, but it’s okay. In no way am I undermining this monumental day because I know it meant a lot to the boys & fans collectively. Jae could not participate due to health reasons & it definitely put a huge damper on the entire atmosphere, but the members tried their best and the entire audience even consistently sang aloud all of Jae’s parts during the songs when his voice was not there. They also sang a never-before-released track with Jae and they all just cried a bunch and me, sitting there, watching those light-wrist-band-thingies glow & beam & shine in-sync with the music, all sorts of colors, in a massive wave of lights & fanchants & music sewn together… wow it was honestly stunning & one of the most awesome spectacles I’ve ever experienced. Korean fans are really something else….

Speaking of which, attending 15 events during my 4 months there taught me many things about Korean concerts & fans that I find so extremely fascinating.

For most concerts, whether they are super hype-y & K-pop-y or a ballad one with minimal need for movement, when there are seats, fans with stay seated for the most part. In America, I feel like all fans tend to automatically stand (for basically all K-pop acts) regardless of the seating. But in Korea, at my experiences with DAY6 in particular (I also have heard that BTS in Seoul was the same), fans stayed sitting basically all throughout. The most like bodily movements they require would be the waving of their lightsticks. It was honestly pretty refreshing to see a generally calm & collected audience, at least where there was seating.

The fanchants are out of this world !!!!! Especially for the 2 times I saw DAY6, the fans were so on point with their fanchants: they were loud and clear and crisp AND THEY MATCHED WITH THE LIGHTS ON THEIR WRISTBANDS AND EVERYTHING wow was that so cool to see… The fans are super in unison & it honestly adds such a new level of energy to the experience.

SINGING !! Of course, since all these fans are Korean, they can actually sing all of these songs at concerts, unparalleled to international fans lol. One really cool moment at DAY6 that I will probably remember forever simply because this song is gorgeous & means a lot to me… but at day 1 of DAY6’s ‘The Present’ xmas concert series, Wonpil said “We’ve been on world tour for a while now and I’ve been wanting to try this out… if I play this song, can you sing for me?” and of course we all unconditionally said yes. And he started to play 그렇더라고요 on the keyboard & the ENTIRE AUDIENCE caught on immediately & we all sang the entire intro & first verse together in unison, as loud as we could, as the members joined in one by one w/ their own instruments, just watching us as we SANG FOR THEM. It was so cute & we even did it again with 장난 아닌데. This sort of stuff…. Wow…. Can only really happen at a domestic concert, which was honestly so so so beautiful. I LOVED IT!!!

No crazy, constant screaming during every part of the performance. Fans in Korea honestly only scream when necessary… ya feel? Sometimes at concerts, I feel like fans are just screaming at the top of the lungs the entire time, during every second of a song. But Korean fans chant when there is a chant, and cheer & scream when it really fits the situation. I really liked this more toned-down atmosphere from the Korean audiences.

I think that’s all I can really narrow down from my various experiences at Korean concerts compared to the ones in America… It really is quite different though, and I feel so honored to have witnessed this comparison countless times. I am really just honored to be there at those moments in general.

Which brings back around to this… upgraded level of connection towards my artists. After seeing so many of them in person and more than once for that matter, when listening to their music now… something definitely sounds different. When I listened to these artists before I saw them right in front of my eyes, their real, authentic voices blasting into my ears, I still felt moved, I still felt goosebumps, choked up, a bulging affection sometimes. And not that I have lost those feelings, no, definitely not. Now… now, when I listen to these artists through my earbuds or through my laptop… I can literally hear them in my ear. Does that even make sense? Well, duh… of course I can hear them. But like… it’s like… I can hear them on a much more intimate level than ever before. Now, I can really imagine & sense these voices in my head. I can pick up the sound of their breaths, picture their expressions, and really just HEAR their voices as if they were physically singing into my ear right there in that moment, in person. It’s such a peculiar and special and unique feeling that is honestly so hard to describe with just words…

But to be honest like… to this day I still cannot wrap my head around everything. I can barely count and keep track of all the artists I saw and when I saw them and what they sang. I feel like SO MUCH happened that my mind can barely grasp it all, as much as it wants to do so so badly… I still can barely comprehend it… years ago I would cry to Sam Kim, ponder how amazing he would be live… and then literally somehow, he sang two songs like 7 feet in front of me, and even sat right next to me. I thought Fromm was a goddess from another world: but I somehow got to talk to her & even take a selfie?? What?? I thought the world would never let me see Roy who always has his school life to manage as well…. But I got to see him live 5 times?? And even go to his solo concert?? WHAT??????? HOW????????? YOU GUYS, I could honestly go on and on and on because it still all feels like a dream…

In particular with Roy Kim… I say this to myself all the time, the irony is just… wow. Who would’ve known that after years of watching countless fancams, effortlessly memorizing his scarce yet existent fanchants, also memorizing set-lists without even trying, becoming all-too-familiar with things like the way he talks, addresses the crowd, sings specific songs, even all the way down to the way he does adlibs for certain songs… I unknowingly picked up & knew these performance aspects SO WELL through pure admiration, enthusiasm and just LOVE for every song he sings. And who would’ve known, that years later, I would have my very own fancams to cry over. After years of literally watching almost EVERY fancam of him on youtube, at all the various events he performed at, some years more frequently than others, today I can proudly say that I have my very own fancams of him, too. Ohmygosh, it’s still so hard for me to believe…

It really just….. *breathes deeply & tries to recollect self for the 24980164th time*…. It just goes to show… No, okay I don’t really know what it goes to show… But one thing is a fact: loving, cherishing, being thankful for, dedicating so much of my emotional & mental strength towards these seemingly-no-one artists has paid off tenfold. No, billionfold. I don’t even know. I just…. I just never thought I could do and see and hear and experience the things that I did. Never. These people…. These people have given me so much, and although I tucked them deep into the folds of my heart for years, I never thought I could truly open up these treasured feelings one day & TRULY support them with my very own eyes & ears & heart. IN person. I am just so so so blessed. So thankful. Really. Always.

Now, it’s time to bring myself to reality & to think about what this means for me going forward. I don’t want to believe in my passion for my music as a phase: Infinite & all things K-pop wasn’t simply a phase for me. It literally was a maturation, a self-realization, a loss of support for the things I never really knew or understood until time started to pass. I don’t think I grew out of K-pop. I think I simply grew with K-pop & got to understand more about it. And with that understanding came a change of heart. Which is literally the title of my post from years ago: “why I fell out of love with K-pop”. It’s not just “Oh, I am older now. So, I don’t want to like this seemingly childish stuff”. No, it was never about K-pop’s image or whatever. I can’t emphasize more, but it always comes down to the music for me.

Infinite has been and is a piece of my life that I will never forget. A piece of my life that has literally brought me to where I am today. I sit here, with my experiences and knowledge and feelings, in part, due to Infinite. I can guarantee anyone that much. And so, no, they really weren’t just a phase. Things change, people grow older, time flows. That’s just how it works. Does my heart ache over old K-pop like every day? Hell yeah it does LOL. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only thank old & 2nd-gen K-pop for the amazing memories that it has given me.

And so, with my music and my artists today, is this all a phase? Will I stop being as enthusiastic years later, like I did with Infinite? You see, with Infinite, I was always apprehensive. At the age of 12, I KNEW that time would eventually take its toll & my blatant love would not necessarily transcend the years that will drag on in the future. But that never made my appreciation for them dim: it only grew stronger as the days went by. I think I am always apprehensive. I think I always fear losing the feelings that I feel with great passion & love at this moment in time. Just as Roy says, 영원한 건 없지만. Nothing lasts forever (but...). I literally think about this all the time. It is such an important concept to me, and it is how I motivate myself to be thankful for everything and everyone and to just take things one step at a time. And so, to really answer my question: is this all just a phase?

I really, honestly, hope… No, I just think not. I really do not think so. At the age of say, 24, five years from now, will I still be loving Roy & Sam & DAY6 & Fromm & everyone else? I really honestly hope so. For as long as they can make music, I can keep loving them, right? Just as Infinite has done since I was 11, 8 years ago, up until today, I firmly believe that my artists can continue this long-lasting impression on my life. They instill a sort of magic & sentiment in my life that almost nothing else in this world can do for me. And for that, I will stay grateful for & only hope for the best.

Roy is currently back in school right now, finishing up his last semester before he finally gets to graduate! I am excited and proud and a bit sad all at the same time. But honestly, it really just comes down to the humanness of these people. When I first saw Infinite back in 2013 as a lil 14 year-old, I guess you could say I was starstruck. I was like “that’s them??!?? Those dudes ive spent countless hours watching through the computer screen?????? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME?”. I had similar thoughts at the LA K-pop Festival in Apr. 2014 when I saw many many many of the big, og k-pop groups at that time. It was hard to believe that these people are real. I would say that my experience with the “With Antenna” in LA concert back in Sept. 2017 made me come to this important realization. That was the first concert where I actually spent the entire time sitting down and just listening. Listening to these wonderful musicians playing their instruments & singing gorgeous songs & just absorbing all that godly magic in the air at that place in time.

I really got to feel how human artists are at the end of the day. K-pop is always built up to be this larger-than-life dynamic, but real artists… No, they’re so much more different. They are simply people, like you and me, with a passion for their music & they wish to share that passion with the rest of the world. That’s it. The sincerity & genuineness that goes into my artists’ music can literally be felt from all the way across the world, just through a few audio snippets, fancams, and grainy Instagram videos. And that is seriously so beautiful. They are so amazing at what they do, they truly are.

Roy’s last two songs from 2018 were purely love song ballads, and I am not complaining or anything. As solid and classic as these tracks were, I still miss that acoustic, healing tone from him. Before he left for school again, he mentioned several times that he wants to come back with music that will console listeners. I was honestly so genuinely happy to hear this. He knows, he honestly, really does. He has even said it before, but he knows that his music can literally lift people back up from the dead. He wants to do that for them. For you and me, who struggle in life when the going gets rough, he wants to be of some sort of help, no matter how minuscule. He knows, he really does. And that is just so beautiful. I am so proud of him & I can’t wait to see what he will have in store for us in the coming months (after his grad, that is).

To all my artists that made these 4 months feel like a literal dream: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. Thank you. Always.

늘 고마워요.