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darklydeliciousdesires · 3 years ago

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The Queen of Camden - An Alfie Solomons/Reader one shot story.

It’s here! The last part of my Alfie three part series. Get comfortable as it’s a long read!

Words - 4,139

Warnings - Oh, so much fluff and romance! And then, yes, glorious smut!

“Mornin’, darlin’.” His usual boom unusually makes you jump that morning, sat behind your desk at the distillery, your boss and lover greeting you with his ever-present cheer whenever he sees you. “Bloody hell, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. What’s up, love?”

“Nothing, I’m just tired.”

“Don’t bloody lie to me, sweetheart. In here, now.” Of course, he knows you well enough by now to know if something is wrong. He knows you ten times better than Billy, who is yet to even cotton on to the fact you’re being unfaithful to him. Rising from behind the sanctuary of your desk, you follow him into his office, your mind ticking like a pocket watch, knowing that the time is up.

You have to tell him.

“So, why does my little dove look so daunted, eh? What’s the matter?” He asks, in a tone way softer than he ever lets anybody else hear. He’s softened to you, though. It’s what makes it all the harder, as you’re expecting the mother of all scorching tempered, verbal blow ups in the wake of what you need to reveal.

“Because, Alfie,” you begin, watching him fold his arms as he leans back against his desk, viewing you curiously. “I’m pregnant. And yes, you’re most definitely the father.”

At hearing such news, he takes a moment, looking stunned, running his hand over his beard and then through his hair. He doesn’t look angry at all, though. In fact, his reaction is the absolute last you expected, his shoulders dropping as he lets a relieved sigh. “I was expecting you to tell me Billy had smacked you one or something!” Pulling you close, he strokes your back. “How bloody wonderful is that, eh? You, me and a little baby.”

“You’re happy?” Your head nearly hits his chin with the speed you look up at him with.

“Ain’t you? You’ve wanted to be a mother for a long time now, it’s just the pillock you’re married to couldn’t make that happen. Now, unless you’re completely fucking blind, I do, sort of, have a bit of a soft spot for you, to put it mildly. In other words, my darlin’, I’m completely head over fucking heels for you, if truth be known. So yeah, I’d say I’m happy.”

There’s no other reaction. As soon as you hear those words, you burst into tears. “But it’s such a mess, though! I’m married, and It'd be such a scandal! Leaving my husband because I’m carrying another man’s baby! Alfie, what the fuck do we do?”

He mulls your question over for a few moments, nodding to himself before lifting your chin, placing a chaste kiss on your lips. “We go to your house, pack your belongings, I’ll get one of me lads to follow in another car, put said belongings into the cars, drive them to mine, unpack, and then I go pay Billy a visit at the steel works while you get accustomed to your new home. Then I take you to lunch. How’s that?”

“What about work? I need to come back in, I have a lot to do today.”

“You think I’m gonna let any wife of mine work? You’ve seen my house, darlin’. I ain’t short of a bob or two.”

“But I’m not your wife.”

“Why you arguing with me, eh?” Immediately, you begin to giggle. “Eh?” he further questions comically, tickling your neck with his fingers. “You will be soon enough. You realise you have to convert though, don’t you?”

You gasp, eyes wide. “I’m not going to be your dirty little shiksa any longer!”

Your comic tones have him laughing, a happy rumble deep in his thick chest. “I’m happy enough with you being my dirty little Mrs Solomons. We’ll go see the rabbi tomorrow morning, fast track you through it. I’ll give him a few quid to help you as much as you need.”

It’s all flying at the speed of light, this future you’d secretly fantasised about, but you’re so giddy with happiness, you don’t question it at all.

“So, what are you going to say to Billy? I feel like I should say something, being as I’m the one leaving him. It’s only right, only proper.”

Immediately, he snorts. “You ain’t proper! Not when you let me give it to you up the bum last week!”

“Alfie!”

“What? It’s just us!” And when it is just you, he’s right. You’re far from proper. “You ain’t gotta say nothing, my sweetheart, alright? He’s been a right rotten cunt to you, so don’t you worry your pretty little head over anything. Alfie’s gonna get you out of all of this, reputation intact, and everyone giving Billy a hard time, as he bloody deserves. Now, give me a big ole’ smacker and let’s get going, eh?”

Smiling, you gratify his wishes, kissing him deeply before going out to get your coat, pulling it on. It’s bitter in London, snow under foot, winter chill all around. “We’re gonna do something about that terrible excuse for a coat too before we go to lunch, love.” You head out to the courtyard, Alfie’s driver throwing down his cigarette and jumping into the car, Alfie holding the door open for you and then turning to bark orders at another man, telling him to follow them in the other automobile present outside of the distillery.

Once back at your house, you pack up everything you want to take with you, Alfie having the foresight to get his lads to bring a few wooden crates, your possessions fitting well enough into both cars. It seems to move like a blur, the swiftness of your life changing completely. Life with Alfie Solomons is like that, though. When he wants something done, it happens.

Upon arrival at your new home, he brings all of your items up from the cars, dismissing his lads when they’ve done their bit, kissing you goodbye on the doorstep before he’s off again, making things happen. You have no idea what he’s going to say or do to Billy, but you just hope to god that it doesn’t involve violence. With the father of your child one of the biggest gangsters in London, though, you’re well aware that such isn’t promised.

While you unpack, Alfie strides with purpose through the main gates of Thomas J Kirk and Sons Steelworks, drawing stares from those he passes, heading straight into the main entrance.

“I’m here to see William Trent. Send him up to me.” His tone and demeanour would have the young man at the counter scuttling off in a hurry even if he didn’t know it was the famed and feared Alfie Solomons who towered before him, the lad no more than fourteen exiting to run down the steps onto the factory floor and locate Billy as quickly as possible.

“Mr Solomons, what can I do for you? Is it (Y/N), is she alright?”

“Take a walk with me, Billy, come on. I’d like to chat with you somewhere private, son.” The large hand clapped to Billy’s shoulder as he joins the rum running hard man sends a shudder through your husband, wondering what on earth it is that’s brought your boss to his door.

“Right, I’m in the habit of getting things done as efficiently as possible, Billy me old lad,” he begins, once he’s walked him over to a quiet corner by some disused out buildings. “(Y/N), she ain’t been happy with you for a while, but you know that, yeah? Yeah, ‘course you do. You just try to deny your own fucking culpability in leaving that beautiful little bird childless and miserable month after month. Well, no more.”

“What do you mea...”

“Don’t you fucking dare interrupt me, alright?” Billy nearly wets himself on the spot at the barked words, coupled by a stronger grip upon his shoulder. “What I mean is thus. Your wife ain’t your wife no more, got it? Nah, but see the thing is, all anyone is gonna know is that you left her, not the other way round. You dropped it on her this morning, in fact, before you left for work. As for (Y/N) she’s taken me up on my offer to come live with me until she finds her feet, and that’s all anyone needs to know. We clear?”

“We are, but tell me one thing, Alfie. How long were you fucking my wife for? I want to know how long she was opening her legs to another man for, the fucking tart.”

Billy really, really should have known better. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, when Alfie’s forehead hits his nose at speed. “You ever fucking refer to her as a tart again and I’ll cut your fucking tongue from your mouth with a rusty knife. You hear me, sunshine? Ain’t nothing to do with you, how long I’ve been keeping your wife happy for. And if you don’t stick to what you’ve been told – and Billy, I will find out if you haven’t - you’re going to be seeing an awful lot of the bottom of the fucking Thames. Because that’s where my boys will throw what’s left of you if you don’t fucking behave yourself, right?”

“But...”

“Right?”

“Alright, yes.”

“You swear?”

“I swear.”

“Good. Now, get back to work, there’s a fella.” Clapping his back so hard he nearly falls over, Alfie turns and saunters away, chuckling to himself.

“It’s good being the king.”

He collects you half an hour later, his car dropping you both off outside Harrods after the journey, Alfie wanting to furnish you with a few luxuries. He’s noticed you shivering in your thin, woollen coat, so it was first on his mind to purchase you something much more befitting of a gangster’s lady, plus something that’ll most definitely keep you nice and toasty.

“So, which one do you like? Look at that one, the grey mink,” he says, pointing at the window display while your mouth drops open.

“Alfie! They’re a hundred pounds! That one is one hundred and fifty!” You virtually wail, your mouth hanging open at the steep price tags. You always knew real fur was pricey, but never to that kind of degree. “Just how bloody rich are you?”

He smirks, looking pleased with himself. “Being on the other side of the law is massively profitable, my love. You wanna know how much money I take home with me a week? On average, three hundred quid. Now, up until this morning, I was a bachelor too, so I didn’t have much in the way of expenditure, bought my house outright, my cars and all that too, so it builds up to a bloody nice little nest egg that you’re about to get spoiled rotten with.”

Entering the store, he summons a shop floor assistant, telling her that ‘my wife would like to try on every fur in the place’ as he words it, giving you a little thrill by calling you his wife already. “While you enjoy yourself down here, I’m going up a few floors.”

“For what? Clothes for you?”

“No, my sweet. Saville Row cut my suits. You’ll see.” Winking, he kisses your hand and leaves you to it, whistling as he walks off across the polished floor, the assistant ushering you in the direction of the fitting rooms while laden with furs of all kinds. When he returns to you, he stands grinning as you view yourself in the arctic fox coat, loving the soft feel against your face as you turn the collar up. He’s wanted someone to fall in love with and spend his wealth on for years. You’ve no idea the joy it brings him to get to finally indulge it.

“That one, then?” he asks, while you twirl before the mirror.

“I’m not sure. It’s either this or the chinchilla,” you ponder.

“Let’s see you in that one, too, then.” The assistant goes back within the fitting room and fetches it, taking the white fox fur from you and helping you into the sumptuous grey coat, even softer than the previous one. “Well, I can’t decide, so I don’t know how you’re going to, angel.”

“I know! It’s a tough decision.”

“No, it ain’t. Ring ‘em both up, love.” He tells the assistant, who nods enthusiastically, while you spin around and stare at Alfie, eyes like saucers.

“You’re joking?”

“I never joke. Keep it on, too. I saw the snow coming down while I was upstairs, so you’ll need to be warm.” You virtually squeal with joy, racing into his arms, Alfie chuckling as you shower him in many thank you’s and kisses, taking out the fattest roll of bank notes from his pocket and walking towards the sales desk.

Two beautiful new coats and a short drive later and you’re sitting at a table in a beautiful restaurant, gazing at the man who made it all happen with the kind of swiftness you find utterly mind blowing.

“What’s that starry eyed look all about, eh?” he asks, sipping his drink.

“You know full well, Alfie Solomons. You’ve changed my life for the better and I can’t thank you enough for it. This morning, I was in an entirely different place, and now look at me. I just... I can’t believe it!” You exclaim, shaking your head in wonder, Alfie taking your hand and kissing your fingers.

“Why? You bloody deserve to have a man be good to you, sweetheart.” His words, they leave you feeling giddy with happiness, your handsome love smiling at you in a way you seldom witness in him. It’s only for you, which makes it all the more special. Alfie Solomons is in love with you.

“I have to ask, though. What did you say to Billy?” He nods, like he was expecting you to question this sooner or later, clearing his throat and sipping his scotch.

“I told him that the story he would tell everyone is that he left you. Dropped it in your lap this morning and left for work, leaving you distraught and in need of the charity your boss extended, letting you lodge in his spare room while you found your feet, if anyone asks over your whereabouts. It was that simple, darlin’.”

Well, that was half of what happened, but he doesn’t publicise his threats.

“You’re not far gone enough for that to be an issue later, when we tell people we fell in love and started a family. We can also save the whispers by saying the nipper arrived a bit early as well, not that I give a fuck about what anyone thinks of my life, though. Nobody will talk badly about you or your honour, though, my love.”

Right there in what he said, his actions thus far, you realise Alfie has been a better man to you in the five months you’ve been having an affair than Billy ever was in your short, two-year marriage.

“I love you.”

He grins, gratified. “You bloody better. How about you let me take you home and allow you show me just how much as well after we’ve eaten?”

Your day? It just keeps on getting better.

All the way through lunch, plus the car ride back to the place you now call home, you marvel at the swift efficiency with which Alfie made room for you in his life. In that one morning, he put in more effort to accommodate you than Billy did in your entire marriage. Alfie Solomons is nothing if not a man of action, though. Upon arrival back at Alfie’s townhouse, action is exactly what you get, too.

“You know, I always wondered what a naked woman would look like on this.” He tells you, stripping your clothes upon the dark blue chaise in his lounge, your dress unbuttoned by large hands that greed to touch you more intimately. The newly lit fire warms the cold air of the house all around you, hot against your skin when Alfie lifts you to lie you down on the huge, dark bearskin rug before the flames that roar up the fireplace, looking down at you as he pulls your dress off. “I love you more than I can fathom, darlin’.”

He isn’t one for plentiful verbal tenderness, so it when he does indulge, it makes the moment all the more special, his lips meeting yours again as his hands delight in roaming your body, over the rises and falls of your silk swathed curves, your underwear and slip removed with the same dexterity as your dress.

His mouth feasts at your exposed skin, thirsty, wet kisses planted across your body, your nipples sucked upon as your back arches like a bow, Alfie’s tongue then gliding up your body in a long, sumptuous lick. That wide, hot tongue. How you crave to feel it right on your...

“Ahhh!”

Yes. Right there, between where his fingers spread your petals wide, laving at your little bud while he strokes your neatly trimmed curls, moaning around the mouthful of you he takes a hungry suck upon. The pleasure sears through you, crackling up your spine, his tongue clever in how he remembers exactly how you like him to touch you with each well-placed lick.

When his fingers push against your opening just enough to stretch you, your hips drive forward, a moan stuttered on your lips. “Greedy, ain’t ya?”

His assertion makes you laugh softly. “Always for you, handsome.”

“Better not leave the lovely lady waiting on me, then.” His fingers glide into you, twisting, raking, heat pulsing through you. He curves them just right, evoking a gasp, his tongue still relentless at your clit, watching as you tremble, your body cast in the amber hue from the fire. To him, you’re the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen, pausing for a few moments to look down upon you, his fingers still buried deep.

“I’m a lucky fella, being able to call all of this mine. My beautiful lady.” You’ve never known him be so verbally affectionate before, and it surprises you, but pleasantly so, of course. The pause extends to him leaning down to kiss you a few more times, your sweet moans spilling from your mouth to his as he continues to draw circles within your slick centre, your hands fumbling with his shirt.

You undress him fluidly as your kisses heat up, wanting his skin pressed to yours, Alfie assisting, blanketing your body with his nakedness, his cock rigid at your hip. A shift has him stroking through your folds, pressing your entrance to glide in slowly, spreading you around his girth, knocking the breath from your lungs.

He drags your walls languidly, slow burning, your muscles twitching around him as he spreads them, making you hiss and sigh as he spears you just a little deeper, his lips scattering open mouthed kisses across your chest. You delight in it entirely, the sensations conjured by him filling and emptying you with slow keenness, holding his face in your hands.

“I love you, Alfie.”

“Good.” He snorts at your facial expression, laughing softly. “Bloody love you too, darlin’.”

His hips then begin to snap wildly, slow and steady forgotten, giving you his thick inches in speedy drive, only to slow once again, panting into your kisses, stroking your hair as he stares down at you. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous.” He’s full of praise that evening, your gangster lover, your one and only, the father of your child. Once again, he begins to thrust into you in frenzy, smiling at you wail for him, only to slow once more, keeping up those alternations of pace until he has you swimming in the erotic fog that is all he bestows upon you.

The pure pleasure he gives charges through you, making you clamp your thighs around his waist, your nails trawling his thick back as your little cries break apart on his name, kissing him again before he tears his mouth away to suck on your nipples, slipping from within your sodden core to bury his mouth at your apex.

You feel as if you’re drowning in fire when he begins to circle your clit with tight licks, hands gripping your thighs, Alfie groaning so low in his throat, it almost sounds predatory. The rhythm he chooses is slow and rolling, your hips rising as you grind back against his mouth, his fingers leaving crescents behind where he’s gripped your shuddering thighs, moving to kneel before you and feed you his erection again.

He spears you with a sharp thrust, feeling you opening for him as he grips your thighs, groaning to see the silky wetness of your heavenly cunt glossing him already, you’re so incredibly aroused. His cock twitches, erotic abandon ripping through him as he smiles down at you, enjoying the sight of you relishing in being split around his thick erection, shuddering as your nails graze his forearms.

You quake ardently, feeling sparks skittering along your spine and down your legs, moaning contently as he folds to kiss your sternum, moving upwards slowly until his mouth is on yours, kissing you with voracious want.

Your bodies grind against each in heated sync, Alfie taking your legs and holding them high and wide, thick fingers flexing at your ankles as he drives into you with unfettered vigour. He has you panting ferally, like a wild animal escaping predatory chase, except there’s no way you’re fighting to get away from the beast of a man between your legs.

Everything becomes fervidly uncontained, your hands gliding down his well-defined chest, the plush velvet of your cunt pulsing around him. A slight tilt of his hips as he shifts slightly has you gasping, the hardness within your slick walls nudging different spots and prompting ebullience as you start to glow.

His mouth dips to suck your nipples, a rumbling groan permeating the air, the heat of his cock delicious as you roll your hips up against him, loving him pinning you there beneath his weight.

“Ahhh, fuck!” He grits, driving into your centre in frenzy, teeth grazing the column of your throat, his hips shuddering with effort as lightning strikes through him, your own release gathering momentum.

Being unselfish, he keeps going until he knows your wails mean you’re cresting, your body shuddering against him as you glimmer strongly, wailing against his shoulder. The illumination of golden sunshine gilds you, filling your veins, lighting you up like the darkened horizon at dawn.

You never knew that sex could be as amazing as it is with him.

Afterwards, you both lie in the firelight, stroking one another’s nakedness, you eventually sitting up to unpin your slightly dishevelled hair, Alfie stroking your tresses, smiling happily at you. He then leans forward, grabbing his trousers and fishing around in the pocket.

“I was gonna take you out again tonight and do this over dinner, but right now is perfect,” he begins, producing a small, red velvet box. “Now, I’m already as far down on the floor as I can possibly get, and I know that sadly your old man died in the war, so I can’t ask his permission first either, so let me just ask you right now, my dove. Will you marry me?”

Tears well your eyes as you take the box from him, opening it up to see a beautiful diamond ring inside, the size making you gasp and cover your mouth.

“Oh my god, Alfie!” you cry in utter shock at the beauty of your engagement ring. So, that’s what he snuck off to buy in Harrods earlier, then. “Of course, I will.”

Leaning to him, you kiss, humming happily, pulling off your wedding band (Billy couldn’t afford an engagement ring) which Alfie duly takes and throws onto the fire, sliding on the chic, elegant replacement that glitters in the firelight.

“You made me a really happy man, you know that, now you’ve agreed to be my wife? You’re the queen of Camden now, love.”

You suppose you are. Life couldn’t get much better than it is in that moment, except for when in just over seven months, you’re joined by your little princess, Sylvia Rose Solomons. As you cradle your tiny baby, the little one you’ve longed for, you realise having an affair with your boss was the greatest thing you ever did, especially when you watch him hold his daughter for the first time.

“So then, you very small, very pretty little person. I’m papa, and for the rest of my life, you’ll have me wrapped right around your little finger, because there ain’t a single bloody thing I wouldn’t do for you or your mother.”

He never stops proving that to you either.

A/N - Did you like it? If so, please thrill me by showing support with a little comment and/or reblog!

#alfie solomons #alfie solomons smut #alfie solomons x reader #alfie solomons x you #alfie solomons fanfiction #alfie solomons fanfic #alfie solomons fic #alfie solomons peaky blinders #tom hardy #tom hardy fanfiction #tom hardy fanfic #tom hardy fic #tom hardy x reader #tom hardy x you #peaky blinders #peaky blinders smut #peaky blinders fanfiction #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders fic

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ofpd · 2 years ago

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for the ask game hadestown cuz it's the first musical I thought of

ok well i haven't actually listened to hadestown but this is my blog and i do what i want & ik you like falsettos also so im gonna do falsettos instead . ok falsettos has a Lot of songs so im gonna try not to put too much thought into any of these & im combining songs that are combined in the cast recording

four jews in a room bitching: i'm neurotic / he's neurotic / they're neurotic / we're neurotic

a tight-knit family/love is blind: love is very often debris / when you find / what you find / then never never never never never do it over again (see: what more can i say)

the thrill of first love: we ask for passion at all times / we stand to passion and drink this toast / still it's awful trying / and we're not denying / that of all the lesser passions / we like fighting most

marvin at the psychiatrist: does she sleep in the nude / no

my father's a homo/everyone tells jason to see a psychiatrist: i think you like playing chess alone / that's not normal / what is normal / i wouldn't know

this had better come to a stop: chop chop chop chop chop i chopped it / i served his food the asshole forced me / and still the bastard divorced me

i'm breaking down: i wanna hate him but i really can't / it's like a nightmare how this all proceeds / i hope that whizzer don't fulfill his needs

please come to our house/jason's therapy: so you feel alright for about 10 minutes / feel alright for 20 minutes / feel alright for 40 minutes / drop it and smile / why don't you feel alright for the rest of your life

a marriage proposal/a tight-knit family (reprise): oftentimes lovers are crazy people / sometimes they kill each other / just like a biblical brother / did to his biblical brother / back in biblical times / biblical times? / biblical times / oh those biblical times

trina's song/march of the falsettos/trina's song (reprise): they fight too hard / and play too rough / they sometimes love / but not enough

the chess game: life's a sham and every move is wrong / we've examined every move as we move along

making a home: loving our / liking our / hating our lives / making a home

the games i play: play again the music / it's a song that i've been waiting to hear for much too long / years, years too long

marvin hits trina: mendel plans to rub my back / mendel's not a maniac / and he's sweet / and he's warm / and he loves me so

i never wanted to love you: i never wanted to love you / i only wanted to see my face in yours / jason's wild / save that child / how he adores / and hates me

father to son: a man, kid / you'll be, kid / if nothing goes wrong / sing for us all / as you march along

falsettoland/it's about time: one day i'd like to be / as mature as my son / who is 12 and a half / and this tall / that's all i'd like to be / that's all (honorable mention to: shiksa caterers / short insomniacs / hypochondriacs / yiddish-americans / feisty families / radiologists / intellectuals / nervous wrecks)

year of the child: there'll be food / like food never before (this line has always been SO hilarious to me for some reason)

miracle of judaism: would they come, though / if they were invited / and not / laugh at my hebrew / and not / laugh at my father and his friends

the baseball game: just what i wanted at a little league game / my ex husband's ex lover / isn't that what every mother dreams about / having at a little league game / looking at whizzer is like eating treyf

a day in falsettoland: in the 60's everyone had heart / in the 60's we were all a part of the same team / in the 60's we had a new world to start / could this / oh god don't say this / could this be / the new world we started

everyone hates his parents: everyone hates his parents / that's in the torah / it's what history shows / in fact, god said to moses / moses, everyone hates his parents / that's how it is / and god knew / because god hated his

what more can i say: can you tell / i have been revived / it's so swell / damn it / even i'm surprised

something bad is happening/more racquetball: my spirits sag / when i read the magazines / men dressed in drag / next to their moms / passion and fashion and filler / but not a word about the killer / i like the ballgowns but jesus christ

holding to the ground: i hold to the ground as the ground keeps shifting / keeping my balance square / trying not to care about this man whom marvin loves / but that's my life / he shared my life / yes that's my life

days like this: i think you need to play some chess / jason, sit down and begin / i'll let you win, whizzer / don't let me win / i'll let you win

canceling the bar mitzvah: why don't we tell him / that we don't have the answers / and that life can be grim / life's not all about him / and things rarely go according to plan / tell him things happen / for no damn good reason / and his lack of control kills what's best in his soul / and this is the start to his becoming a man

unlikely lovers: i can't help but feeling / i've failed / let's be scared together / let's pretend that nothing is awful / there's nothing to fear / just stay right here / i love you

another miracle of judaism: i don't know if you exist / i can't hear your fingers snapping / are you just a big psychiatrist / or can you make things not happen

something bad is happening (reprise): something that kills / something infectious (this was my attempt to not just do the entirety of this very short song lol)

you gotta die sometime: death's a funny pal with a weird sort of talent / he takes me in his arms and walks me to the bed / he pins me against the wall and kisses me like crazy / the many stupid things i thought about with dread / now delight / then the scene turns to white

jason's bar mitzvah: son of abraham, isaac, and jacob / son of marvin / son of trina / son of whizzer / son of mendel / and godchild to the lesbians from next door / sing, oh sing, oh sing

what would i do: do you regret / i'd do it again / i'd like to believe that i'd do it again and again and again (see: love is blind)

falsettoland (reprise): this is where we take a stand / welcome to falsettoland

send me an album & I'll pick my favorite lyrics from every song

#fun fact about falsettos is that i saw the tour cast w my friend in 2019 and she'd never seen/listened to it before #and she saw a bit of the aids quilt in the lobby and was like oh that's so cool that they have a bit of the aids quilt #and then she didn't think about it anymore until charlotte was like “bachelors arrive sick and frightened #they leave weeks later unenlightened” and she was like oh. oh. oh. Oh..#asks #mina tag #falsettos #long post #very long post lmfao #i gave myself chills typing a lot of these out 😭😭 i have it BAD for this musical

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blusandbirds · 9 months ago

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oh my god yeah im like still in shock a little! im gonna forget somethings cuz So Much happened and i cant believe it happened tbh

he opened with broadway here i come from smash and then he did a preview of a song for her from the great gatsby. in honor of him and ben's (who ate on the piano with his little sparkly jacket) tenth anniversary of doing shows together, he did a little medley of their most viral songs (including it's all coming back to me now and let it go!!). he did a song and told a story from his "one man show" called carry on (it streamed in 2021 i think, not sure if theres a recording of) about his step mom shelly that was really heartbreaking and sweet to "when you say nothing at all" by alison krauss

he then did little shop of horrors with a volunteer from the audience doing a hand puppet (and she killed it, shoutout to her). he also did shiksa goddess from the last five years with a little extra "yeah!" punctuation after "or you once were a man" (jamie wellerstein: bad guy but trans ally) and then he did this cute little reinactment of him and his daughter singing songs from frozen 2 together (with ben standing in as his daughter).

then there was a very hectic like fifteen minutes where he reinacted all of newsies and he was all the characters (with occasional input from ben as newsboy number one). it was honestly riveting to see. he brought out his jack kelly hat and he had dedicated poses for each character. like jack was wearing the hat and davey held the hat against his chest and crutchie had it under his arm. and he did all the voices, very good, very wacky. i could see him sweating, that is the effort he was delivering. he sang at least a line from each song except santa fe because he promised that as the big finale.

he did bring him home as a tribute to his dog riley. told a really sweet story about always being a cat person until he held her as a puppy and she licked his nose and he loved all dogs forever.

finally sang santa fe and eyes were, like, shining and i honestly think that's the closest to a religious experience i've ever had. he started without his hat but immediately remembered and jumped to get it and then restarted. and he did do the dramatic, santa fe hat pull off to chest belt moment and it was everything i wanted and more

and then he closed with she used to be mine and i wasnt expecting it so i was stunned speechless it was so magical and im surprised i didn't cry.

he was really funny and theatre kid-y and his voice was literally as perfect, or even better than it is in videos. he was having trouble getting the little falsetto notes out because he woke up with reflux and he clearly felt pretty bad about it, but it was honestly really cool to see how he recovered. like one beat and then he changed the note to something equally beautiful so super kudos to him and ben for being On Point like that.

i don’t know if i have any musical theatre nerd followers on here but i need to share that i was like a foot away from jeremy jordan today

#sorry thats my like full on rambling summary #im kind of in shock because i didnt think i was going until about 3 hours before the event happened #me and my sister heard about the event in october but it was literally sold out #little did i know that she was refreshing the ticket page everyday and then miraculously two seats at a front row table opened #she calls me at 3:00 like hey can you make it here and i was like i guess im not going to class today or tomorrow and made the drive #honestly a whirlwind

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likesomekindofcheese · 3 years ago

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can you do the boys (bo rhap and queen) with a jewish fem reader?

Hi there anon! This is a great ask!

And as a forewarning, I am a Goyim and don’t have a personal knowledge of what it is like to be Jewish. So if I get something wrong, drag me gently. I do my best to be careful when writing about a less privileged person’s POV but I know I will get it wrong. I had been hesitant to write this request a bit for that reason, but I am gonna be brave today and do it!

Roger:

He would come in with a surprising amount of knowledge. He is a good, Defensive boyfriend. If anybody tries to call you some Shiksa Goddess or say something rude and unwanted, he will wrap an arm around you and flip them off. He isn’t religious but would go with you to services out of respect. Plus, you get him into Hebrew language music which he blasts in his car.

Brian:

Once you said you were Jewish, Brian took it like a student with a homework assignment. He Reads up about it. He patiently listens to you as you explain your families Passover traditions. He asks lots of questions but he is never disrespectful. Often, you will react loudly and with emotion to things and so will your family. Brian would jump a bit at first, but get used to it. He may defend or hold you back in a debate, though!

Deaky:

Gets a little into the Purim plays. “There ya go Esther, get him!” He will mutter under his breath at the kids in costume. He dances with you on holidays and it’s very romantic. He loves Hebrew phrases like “l’chaim!” And “mazel tov!” When you go out for a drink, he will slip a “l’chaim�� before downing a shot and it makes you smile when he says it with his sweet voice.

Rami:

He understands being the minority, though you both still have different backgrounds. Although your family makes jokes like “I thought Moses freed us from the Egyptians and you’re dating an Egyptian guy?” He will politely laugh and smile. Both of you make some jokes, but it ends in cuddling and kissing every time. A Classy boyfriend who loves their family as much as you do.

Joe:

He would be so surprised that you born have mutual friends. Odds are, he went to college or was on a film set with some people you are connected with. “Guess it’s destiny, babe!” He would tease with his typical Joe grin. He would love your dedication to have a good time, be it doing silly dances to Beyoncé music or even making chores fun!

Ben:

He would love how super loyal you are to him. Although you were nervous about dating a Goyim guy (I mean, to be fair, it’s Ben we’re talking! Who can blame you for wanting to get him?!?), he would hold your hand and assure you everything would work out. Seeing you be a good person because it fulfills your faith makes his heart warm, too.

Gwilym:

He would love coming over to your house to try the food! Kugels, homemade bagels, latkes, matzo ball soup- he gives you a handsome grin when he bites and sips his way through dinner. When you both go camping together, you get into warm blankets and camping beds and talk about both of your travels, such as your brithright trip, and growing up going to camps during the summer with the other Jewish kids. Plus if you got upset at something traumatic in the news, he would go out of his way to protect you and make sure you were safe and loved.

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tts-obsessed · 5 years ago

Text

Jeremy Jordan songs (useful for Varian content)

My friend needed a list of JerJor’s songs because she’s out of inspiration and wanted to get back to work, so here’s a relatively comprehensive list! Feel free to use (most of) these for your Varian animatics, playlists, whatever (or just to listen to Jeremy sing). I’d love to see your work!

Tangled: The Series

❥ Let Me Make You Proud

❥ Let Me Make You Proud (Reprise)

❥ Ready As I’ll Ever Be

❥ Nothing Left to Lose

Love Me, Love Me Not

❥ Get Up and Go

Joyful Noise

❥ Maybe I’m Amazed

❥ From Here To The Moon and Back

Chicago

❥ Cell Block Tango

Heathers

❥ Freeze Your Brain

❥ Dead Girl Walking

❥ Seventeen

❥ Meant to Be Yours

Bonnie & Clyde

❥ Picture Show

❥ This World Will Remember Me

❥ When I Drive

❥ Raise a Little Hell

❥ This World Will Remember Us

❥ Too Late to Turn Back Now

❥ What Was Good Enough for You

❥ Bonnie

❥ Raise a Little Hell (Reprise)

❥ This Never Happened Before

Miss Saigon

❥ Why, God, Why?

Newsies

❥ Santa Fe (Prologue)

❥ Carrying the Banner

❥ I Never Planned on You

❥ The World Will Know

❥ Seize the Day

❥ Santa Fe

❥ Watch What Happens (Reprise)

❥ Something To Believe In

❥ Once And For All

❥ Finale

Little Shop of Horrors

❥ Suddenly Seymour

Live

❥ Please Don’t Let Me Go

Dream a Little Dream

❥ Words With Friends

❥ Anything You Can Do

See Rock City and Other Destinations

❥ Rock City

Death Note

❥ Where Is The Justice?

❥ Hurricane

❥ There Are Lines

❥ Secrets and Lies

❥ Stalemate

❥ Playing His Game

❥ The Way It Ends

Frozen

❥ Let It Go

I Could Use a Drink

❥ No Turning Back Now

Ahrens & Flaherty: Nice Fighting You

❥ Dancing Still

West Side Story

❥ Maria

❥ Something’s Coming

❥ Tonight

Where the Sky Ends

❥ Dare to Dream

❥ Try

Smash

❥ Broadway, Here I Come!

❥ Let Me Be Your Star

❥ The Love I Meant To Say

❥ I Heard Your Voice in a Dream

❥ Rewrite This Story

❥ Don’t Let Me Know

❥ This Will Be Our Year

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

❥ Out There

In The Light

❥ Let Go of Me

❥ More

❥ Prologue/Who Are You?

❥ Rise or Fall

❥ In Her Embrace

The Flash

❥ Put a Little Love in Your Heart

Island Song

❥ Island Song Opening

❥ Wall Lovin’

❥ Hipster Youth I

❥ So Many Windows

❥ Tie Me Up

❥ Stay Awhile

❥ Island Song Reprise

❥ Hipster Youth II

❥ Wall Lovin’/Stay Awhile Reprise

❥ One More at Deluxe

❥ Too Much

Here for You

❥ Here for You

The Last Five Years

❥ Shiksa Goddess

❥ Moving Too Fast

❥ The Schmuel Song

❥ The Next Ten Minutes

❥ A Miracle Would Happen/When You Come Home To Me

❥ If I Didn’t Believe in You

❥ Nobody Needs to Know

❥ Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You

Waitress

❥ Without a Believer

❥ Bad Idea

❥ You Matter To Me

❥ She Used to Be Mine

❥ Waitress Medley

Various Covers

❥ It’s All Coming Back to Me Now

❥ Losing My Mind

❥ The Next Ten Minutes Ago

❥ I’ll Be Home For Christmas

❥ Don’t Rain on My Parade

❥ 90′s Throwback Medley

❥ They Just Keep Moving The Line

❥ Somewhere Over The Rainbow/Home

❥ Total Eclipse of the Heart

❥ Lucky

❥ Ben’s Birthday Medley

❥ I’ve Told You Now

❥ Guitar Medley

❥ I Wish I Were Gay

❥ Don’t Speak

❥ Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’

❥ In My Own Little Corner/Agony

❥ Songs From Past Shows Medley

❥ Run Away With Me

❥ Gone/Always Be My Baby

❥ The Ultimate Disney Princess Power Ballad Medley

❥ Take Me or Leave Me

❥ If I Had You

❥ Beauty and the Beast

❥ Epic Disney Medley

❥ Musical Duets Medley

#jeremy jordan #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #the last five years #newsies #heathers #bonnie & clyde #the flash #island song

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lezliefaithwade · 3 years ago

Text

A Breath of Fresh Air

The summer after my first year of theatre school, I was sleeping on the living room floor of my cousin's apartment in Toronto, trying to figure out what to do with my life. My cousin had been an actor before he became a quadriplegic in a car accident, and as I unadvisedly bemoaned my unemployment status, he said something like, "Seriously? You're complaining about your life? Don't make me burst a colostomy bag." He was right, of course. I wasn't in a wheelchair, though I did have a stepmother who had rendered me homeless because of her dislike for me. She was always saying things like, "Your hair can't be as ugly as that hat you're wearing." Or simply refusing to invite me to things like Christmas dinner. I always admired people with families. My boyfriend at the time was one of five kids who were always doing things together. Their house was always full of noise and activities. Even as a shiksa, I felt more at home there than with my stepbrothers and sisters, who never lost an opportunity to point out that I was weird. I wanted to stand up to them, but not wanting to cause my father any grief, I held my tongue and sought refuge elsewhere. It occurred to me that perhaps I was using the theatre as an opportunity to say things through characters that I couldn't find the courage to express myself.

The Toronto Star was still open on the kitchen table, and I rummage through the Want Ads, that dirty part of the newspaper near the back where complete strangers will soon become complete assholes in your life by forcing you to work menial jobs in humiliating uniforms for minimum wage.

"Find anything?" my cousin called from the bedroom, where two attendants helped wash and dress him.

"Social services are advertising for camp councilors to work with emotionally challenged kids."

"Oh yeah," He said. "That might suit you."

I'm not sure I knew what he meant but, I was beginning to think I'd outgrown my welcome. My cousin probably would have encouraged me to join the circus if the option had been available. Knowing my living room days were numbered, I thought it best to make an effort and apply.

I had no experience teaching drama—no experience working with kids and no experience going to or working at a camp. Despite all that, I was hired. It's worth noting that it's probably not a good sign if you get a job with no qualifications whatsoever.

My official position was Drama Councillor, and I prided myself that with only a year and half of theatre training behind me, I was well equipped to help others benefit from the wealth of my experience. I imagined myself, Maria Von Trapp, teaching children how to sing while they looked at me adoringly. Somehow, I conveniently blocked out the rebellious early stages she experienced and skipped straight to the good parts. Also, I might add, forgetting about the Nazis and having to climb over a mountain. Still, visions of me biking around camp with a group of happy campers behind me filled me with a sense of self-satisfaction.

As I packed my knapsack with deet and a secret stash of Twinkies, I thought of how only three weeks earlier I'd been in New York walking through Central Park and savoring Cappuccinos at outdoor cafés on Columbus. Now, here I was, ready for something different. The wilderness, I imagined, would be a welcome change—fresh air and loons instead of smog and sirens. I thought smugly about my classmates sweating behind visors at take-out windows shoveling fries into cardboard cups or wrapping sandwiches in tinfoil. Thumbs up to adventure, I told myself. The fact that I'd never once in my life enjoyed the great outdoors didn't factor into my mind. All of this changed with each accumulated minute of the 391 Kilometer drive north.

It was late afternoon when I arrived at the compound. Overcast, sullen, it was a place so secluded you'd need flares to find it. It had that distinct aura of someplace time forgot. A place left behind and neglected. In the brochure, the sun was shining, flowers filled the meadow, and you could practically hear laughter floating off the page. What I was looking at bore more of a resemblance to a situation in a Stephen King novel where camp councilors discover a pack of hungry teenage zombies have lured them to a seemingly idyllic retreat. Situated right in the heart of black fly country, I spent most of my days swatting insects so big they seem Jurassic.

During our orientation, child care workers warned us that children with mental health needs tend to run away - a lot and to keep strict attendance records and all eyes on them at all times. "These kids are resourceful and clever," they cautioned. I couldn't imagine being so determined you'd risk your life by escaping through the woods that surrounded us, but then again, I'd never been around children who weren't allowed cutlery before either

I shared my cabin with three other women with who I had absolutely nothing in common. Delia, a humorless 27-year-old cooking instructor who answered every question with a monosyllabic grunt, Jennifer, a 26-year old tennis instructor with massive blond ringlets who talked so quickly she sounded like a record on high speed, and an older aboriginal woman named Sunny who made us all dream catchers and offered advice about how to heal ourselves on days when we'd feel spent. "Remember, these kids need us," she said while purifying our cabin with sage. As I glanced around my assigned bunk, taking in the spider webs and loose floorboards, I had that sinking feeling that comes when you know you've made a terrible mistake. Before long, I was eating copious amounts of peanut butter on stale bagels amid a never-ending supply of starch. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to feed children with challenges like anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, and eating disorders copious amounts of sugar and carbs. It certainly did nothing to help them or me.

On the first day of class, I sat everyone in a circle. "Welcome to drama class," I said with a smile. "Let's begin by sharing with everyone a little bit about ourselves. Anything at all you'd like us to know?" A hand went up.

"I'm Tracy, and I hate my stupid ass brother. He can go straight to hell."

"Okay," I said, "That's a start. Who's next?"

Another hand. "I'm Jonathan, and this place sucks so much I wish it would burn to the ground!"

"Fair enough. Anyone else?"

"I'm Jo. I'm schizophrenic. So sometimes I'm Rachel and Julia. You'll know the difference because Rachel has a British dialect, and Julia talks slang."

"O-kay." I glanced at the social workers who sat on the edge of the room and looked at me with an expression that basically said, "We can't wait to see what you do next."

"Let's write a play," I suggested. "Write anything you want. Once you're happy with the work, I'll shape it into a cohesive piece that we'll rehearse and then present at the end of the season talent showcase."

The kids liked this idea. The showcase was a big deal. It was an opportunity for them to blow off some steam and express themselves to friends and family in a creative way. My only stipulation was not to use profanity. As the weeks passed, I was impressed with how well they all threw themselves into this project—all except Eric, the oldest boy in my 12 to 15-year-olds. Eric often wandered around the rehearsal space, unfocused and sullen.

"Any ideas for your piece?" I ask, checking in to see if I could help.

"I'm thinking," he'd say and then pace.

With three weeks left in the summer, I took my well-deserved week off to decompress. My boyfriend came up from Toronto and drove me to his parent's house at Post and Bayview, where caterers were preparing the tennis courts for an outdoor party. I walked into his mother's living room, and she gasped. "What happened to you?"

I didn't blame her. I hadn't spent much time looking at a mirror the past four weeks, but one glance at the large one in their bathroom told the full story. My hair was ratty; I had scabs on my knees, bruises on my arms and legs, and I was sunburnt. I was wearing a vintage skirt and blouse that was probably more Value Village than vintage and a pair of worn, scuffed purple moccasins; in essence, I was wearing slippers on my feet.

"Please take her to the mall and at least buy her a pair of shoes," his mother said, handing me her credit card and then rushing off to make sure the stuffed alligator would float in the pool. That week I ate my way through rugelach, hamantaschen, brisket, and bagels while his family watched me with awe and disgust.

Back at camp, the smell of burning insect repellent greeted me along with the news that the sailing and tennis instructors were sacked for disorderly conduct. Never mind, I had renewed energy and a sense of purpose. There were costumes and props to make. Sound and lighting effects to create. And we needed to rehearse. It was only a tiny stage somewhere on a remote camp in Northern Ontario, but the excitement was palpable. I was excited. This would be the best talent show ever, and my kids were going to blow the socks off everyone there!!!

"Eric," I said, "How's your piece coming along?"

"I finished it," he mentioned casually

"That's great. Can I see it?"

"I want to surprise you. You're going to love it, though. I promise."

I patted myself on the back. Eric had a breakthrough. All my encouragement and patience had paid off. Perhaps I'd helped him have a developmental breakthrough.

"Can you tell me what it's about?" I asked.

"The Beatles."

"Great. Okay," and left it at that.

Talent Night arrived along with parents and family friends. The lights dimmed, the kids performed, and the audience enthusiastically applauded as each "Mighty Mite" or "Spirit of Paradise" breezed across the stage, acting out skits about fairies and monsters and assorted escapades. Finally, it was Eric's turn. Out he came, looking serious and theatrical. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience.

"This is called, The Beatles Last Recording Session. By, Me."

Three of his closest camp friends filed out and took a space on the stage. The audience was silent.

There was a dramatic pause, then the piece began.

"Fuck you, Ringo,"

"Fuck you, Paul."

"Fuck you, George."

"Well fuck you, John."

Then they bowed and left the stage.

Personally, I thought it was kind of brilliant. Needless to say, I wasn't showered with accolades about my teaching methods or the effect I had on kids. I left there having no catharsis about mental health except that giving people the opportunity to express themselves without censor is probably a lot healthier than insisting they stay quiet. I admired the honesty displayed in the kid's work. If only, I thought to myself, I could be half as brave. Wasn't that what I was spending time and money learning how to do?

A week after being home, I found myself packing, once more, for school in New York. Our term letters had arrived with instructions on where to buy character shoes, leotards, copies of The Children's Hour, and Death of a Salesman. The camp already felt like it was 391 kilometers away - soon to be 659. My father drove me to the train station with my stepmother beside him; she was there, no doubt, to ensure I boarded.

"You going to be okay?" my father asked, giving me a hug and slipping a $50 bill into my pocket.

"She'll be fine." Elsie chimed in. "You don't have to worry about her. Let's go."

But I wanted my father to worry about me. Not all the time and to the exclusion of all else, but certainly the appropriate fatherly amount.

As I settled myself on the train, I watched my stepmother pull from father from the platform to the car and thought of Eric's brilliant play. Under my breath, I whispered the immortal words of the Beatles, "Fuck you."

#stepmother #mental health #children #young people #summer camp

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jerrylevitch · 3 years ago

Photo

Jerry Lewis and Tony Curtis on the set of Jerry’s home movie parody, Come Back Little Shiksa, 1953.

#Jerry Lewis #Tony Curtis #look at this beautiful pic! I'm yelling #come back little shiksa #1953 #fuzzysebastianstan #curtisandlewis

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singingaboutwishingx · 3 years ago

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hello! ik u love musicals and the ww so i had a thought—donnajosh the last 5 years au?

oh. my god. pain. why would you put me in pain like this.

i imagine that instead of being a novelist, josh is a political pundit—he has his degrees from harvard and yale, and he’s trying to climb up the ladder. at the beginning, he’s running a political news/commentary blog while he’s in a low-level position for a mid-range news outlet. donna never met freeride, but the drama minor really stuck with her, and it turned out that she was like, really good at being a musical theatre actress. after she graduated, she decided to pursue it full-time.

another difference in this au is that i would kind of reverse the roles. i think that donna would be analogous to jamie, while josh would fill cathy’s place.

i just ended up mapping the whole thing out chronologically by song, so that starts under the cut.

goodbye until tomorrow- donna and josh meet and sleep together. there’s a sense in both directions that they’ve met their soulmate, and it’s glorious.

shiksa goddess- donna is obv not jewish, but she knows that josh is not the guy her parents would want her to date. while they are republicans, and josh’s staunchly democratic views would make them uncomfortable, it’s more of the fact that he’s super outspoken, both politically and in general.

i can do better than that- basically the same as in the musical. josh and donna drive back to josh’s hometown so she can meet his parents. josh tells her about his friend, sam, whose girlfriend got pregnant in high school, and they got married and never left town. he also tells her about his college girlfriend, amy, who blew him off after nearly a year. he doesn’t need much from donna. all he wants is her.

moving too fast- donna gets a callback for the anything goes revival, and they take a chance and cast a complete unknown as hope harcourt. she becomes an instant star, a media darling, and a huge fan favorite. (it helps that they cast big names as reno and billy, which attracts some attention to the production and allows the unknown actors for oakleigh and hope to be pulled into the spotlight.) donna’s in love, and she’s on top of the world.

climbing uphill- josh is writing furiously. he keeps submitting op-eds everywhere and applying for higher positions at other companies, but there’s always someone or some writing that’s just a little bit better. he’s kind of afraid because the underachieving husband isn’t really where he thrives—he’s always had big dreams. he’s happy that donna’s found success, but he’s kind of bitter that it’s taking her away from him so much.

the schmuel song- josh is feeling down about his career. he basically just wants to give up, stop running his blog, and not even try to go any higher at his job. donna assures him that he’s immensely talented, and that she believes in him more than anyone could ever believe in someone.

when you come home to me- josh spends most of his nights alone, trying to write something that might maybe possibly be published, while donna, he knows, is out living her dream. she’s out there doing amazing things without him, but she’ll always come home at the end of the night. he knows that she’ll always come back home to him.

the next ten minutes- yay marriage! happy fun wedding time!

a summer in ohio- josh is hired to assist at a major news outlet in ohio. it feels less fun as the summer wears on, but it looks good on his resume. he misses being separated from donna so much.

a miracle would happen- donna loves josh desperately, and she honestly would never cheat on him. however, since her run in anything goes, she’s been going to all of these events and seeing all these other people who are more successful than josh. and like, the fact that his career hasn’t really taken off isn’t a problem, but she has a feeling that something doesn’t sit right with him. she wishes he’d just be happy for her with no strings.

i’m a part of that- josh sits at opening night of broadway’s new smash hit, which is essentially a star vehicle for donna (i mean, she had to audition, but the part was always hers). he sees her fall for her love interest and it’s so convincing that josh has to tell himself that she’s thinking of him when she looks at her co-star like that (and really, donna’s just! that! good!). broadway is this whole world that he can appreciate but never fully be a part of, and josh wishes that he could be thriving like donna.

if i didn’t believe in you- as josh’s resentment for donna’s constant absence grows into resentment for her success, donna’s disappointment in josh grows, too. she is by no means disappointed in his lack of tangible accomplishment—she knows her own success is such a fluke, but she’s grateful for every minute—but the way he always seems to have reservations at her triumphs. she tells josh that she loves him deeply, profoundly, but needs more support than this.

nobody needs to know- cut? sorry. i simply don’t think that donna would do this. she might have some feelings that lie elsewhere, but no way would she actually cheat on josh.

see i’m smiling- donna takes a couple days off of the show to come see josh in ohio. he actually gets to fill in for a newscaster on saturday night, and he’s really excited for donna to come to the taping. it’s also his birthday, and he thought they were planning to spend it together, but at the last minute, donna is called back to new york to meet with a movie producer about an upcoming project. josh begs her to please come see his taping and just let them work around her schedule, but donna keeps denying him. this could be a huge opportunity for her. she can always watch the recording later and they can celebrate a week late. he makes a comment about her always being gone, and it spirals into a knock-down-drag-out fight. donna leaves for new york.

i could never rescue you- months later, after their marriage has continued to slip away despite their best efforts, donna sits him down. she says she wants a divorce. she can’t be with him anymore because they’ve tried and they’ve tried, but nothing can make him happy for her and nothing can make her not feel like her success is the cause of his lack thereof. donna’s already packed a bag. she walks out the door.

still hurting- and at last, we arrive at the beginning. donna still leaves him a letter even though they sat down in person, and josh reads it and hurts. it’s not fair. how can she just walk away from him and leave him with this heavy grief for their love?

the trouble i’m having with making this au work (not that it’s a bad idea or anything—i think it’s fantastic and heartbreaking) is that cathy and jamie (i mean, mostly jamie) are worse people than josh and donna, and i just like... i don’t really see any universe where either of them cheat on the other or where one is too self-absorbed to realize how seriously cruel they are. josh had a few moments in the show that make me go “well...” about that statement, but on the whole, they’re both really kind, considerate people.

while cathy and jamie were basically incompatible from the start, josh and donna’s marriage fails because they both don’t realize what the other’s problems are. in josh’s case, his abandonment issues take center stage, while donna feels almost wrong for succeeding.

other choices for a ww tl5y au that interest me very much include cj and toby, toby and andy, and zoey and charlie.

thank you sm for sending me this idea!!!

#bianca answers the tea #the west wing #tww #josh lyman x donna moss #josh x donna #the last five years #tl5y

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horrorlad · 4 years ago

Text

Horrorlad Reviews: The Dentist (1996)

Or at least, like, talks about it a bunch.

Boy was I overthinking my first real Horror Lad post! It was going to be Grave Encounters, but that will have to wait, because I got insomnia and decided to rewatch a movie I hadn’t seen seen since I was 14, which wound up being the perfect opportunity to write out a post!

Let’s talk about The Dentist!

So, The Dentist is a 1996 movie starring Corbin Bernsen. It was directed by Brian Yuzna (one of the producers of Re-Animator, he also directed the 1989 body horror film Society which I haven’t seen, though a cursory image search tells me I need to add to my watch list immediately).

Anyway, The Dentist is about a teethsman who catches his wife giving some other guy a BJ and gets so grossed out about it that he has a nervous breakdown about, uh, how dirty mouths are, I guess? He loses his absolute shit (though he didn’t seem to have it all that together to begin with; this guy’s Jack Torrance is way more Kubrick than King), and we the audience get to tag along for all the wacky fun.

Full disclosure: I can’t give an unbiased review of this movie. I watched it several times in high school, then completely forgot about it for ten years, until tonight. There’s too much nostalgia wrapped up in it.

That said, upon rewatching it, I am in LOVE with the structure of it as a film. You know how, some movies, you can tell that the people behind the scenes are having a blast? This is one of those movies. The structure of the shots vary wildly, and I suspect that there was not one tripod or stabilizer on that set. The makeup and effects are fun, every actor has an opportunity to shine at least once, and the pacing is totally bonkers. I will note, however, that for a slasher movie the confirmed death count is pretty low, AND most of the murders are less dentistry-related than you might expect. Still, it’s a good time, and right now it’s available to watch for free (with commercials) on Tubi, which is pretty sweet!

Read on for the content warnings and spoilers. In the meantime, I give The Dentist 3.5 tanks of nitrous oxide (use with caution).

Content warnings and plot synopsis below the cut.

Content Warnings

Also, I don’t really know what to classify this one as, but there is a lot of “ick” factor to this movie — rotting teeth, sludge, etc. If you’re easily squicked out by that sort of stuff, I’d proceed with caution.

Dental torture (and how!) – it’s basically the whole movie, folks.

Sexual assault – multiple instances, including a character having their head forced down while giving oral sex (in a daydream), and another character being assaulted while on nitrous oxide.

Spousal abuse (physical and emotional) – again, there’s a lot of this.

Child abuse – A young child has their gums stabbed by the dentist.

Animal abuse – a dog is shot offscreen.

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Okay, spoiler time!

Whoo boy, here we go!

I have no idea why I watched this movie so much as a teen. Probably because it was free on FearNet (remember FearNet?) and I would watch just about anything.

Watching it as an adult, my first thought is… man this is weirdly paced. My second thought is that there’s a lot more non-dental-related murders than I would have expected, but we’ll come back to that.

So, our hero(?) is a dentist, and we meet him at the beginning of a framing device, miming dentistry and offering to tell us about his story. The bulk of the movie is then a flashback about how he got to where he is, interspersed with his monologuing or whatever. We meet him and his wife (who are a straight couple in a movie and thus required to completely hate one another) on their anniversary, a fact which becomes clear while he’s in the middle of throwing a fit about his laundry.

Pictured: a totally hinged man. Nothing unhinged going on here, no sir.

At any rate, he gets all suspicious after an interaction with the pool guy, and catches his wife having an affair with the guy. He continues framing-device-monologuing about decay and the world being filthy and all that, daydreams about assaulting his wife and murdering the pool boy, etc. He follows the pool guy to the neighbor’s house, acts all weird, shoots a dog — your basic Tuesday.

Eventually, he winds up at the office, starts hallucinating, assaults a couple of patients, and finally calls an early end to the day (self care is important). We get this delightful (in a heavy-handed sort of way) scene that keeps cutting back and forth between him setting out spooky dental tools and his wife getting dressed for the big anniversary surprise he’s has planned, and that’s when things really start to go haywire.

Okay.

So like.

I get that he’s a dentist.

I get that he’s a dentist whose whole shtick is having the themed exam rooms (though why we have aaaalll these rooms for a bunch of hygienists and one dentist is a little beyond me).

But you mean to tell me that this dude’s special anniversary surprise for his wife was to show her his new, opera-themed dental exam room?

“Oh, honey… you really, really shouldn’t have…”

Like, I know he’s settled on a revenge plot by this point, but I still definitely believe that this guy was legitimately planning the entire time to show his wife his fancy new dental suite as an anniversary surprise. Not to be that guy, but no wonder she was having an affair.

Honestly though, I love this scene. I love the camera PoV shots as he shows off the dental suite, I love the excessive gesturing with his left hand. I love how the scene starts off with his point-of-view of her, and then transitions into her point-of-view of him, cut with those big beautiful teeth-yanking shots. It’s ridiculous.

And then, they get home, he has some monologuing about the pool, etc.

Next scene, it’s the next day, some cops come to ask questions about the murdered dog, his wife is out back on a pool chair with her giant sunhat covering her face (the way normal, totally-not-drugged people hang out by the pool) while the pool guy does his pool guy stuff. Eventually the cops leave, yadda yadda yadda, the pool guy scoops the wife’s tongue out of the pool, he sees how fucked up she is, the dentist murders the shit out of him. It’s beautiful.

Don’t you love it when you finish your to-do list first thing in the morning?

The end.

Wait, no, that’s not right.

Somehow, there’s still almost half a movie left.

This movie starts with this dude fighting with his wife, catching his wife cheating with the pool guy, hallucinating his wife’s nasty mouth on everyone, etc. You’d think that, with his wife tortured all to shit and the pool guy dead, the movie would have wrapped up.

I mentioned before that the pacing of the movie is weird, which it is. I mean, he has his “oop guess I’m evil now” scene on his way to work the next day, which basically means that just over half of this movie is the origin story. It could be longer, with the big climactic nonsense taking up the last quarter or so. It could be shorter, with him freaking out about his wife, losing his shit, and having a proper dental rampage. Instead, The Dentist flies in the face of conventional story structure.

But this man is a busy man. He’s a dentist, damn it.

He has to get back to work!

Things are happening fast now, let’s get condensed.

We go back to work, he pulls some malpractice shit on that lady whose dog he shot yesterday, then strangles Jessica-the-hygienist (I think that’s her job) when she calls him on it. Later, a man from the IRS comes in and uses the dentist’s shady tax junk to get free dental work which is, uh, inadvisable. IRS man, Marvin Goldblum, starts talking about our dentist’s wife (and about how unhinged shiksas are in bed, in case we somehow we didn’t piece together that he’s an awful Jewish caricature), and I’m sure the rest of his appointment goes totally normally.

Get a guy who looks at you like this.

Meanwhile, the cops are definitely onto him regarding the murder of that dog (after all, murdering dogs is THEIR turf). They go to his house, where he left the body of the pool guy he murdered just laying around outside for anyone to find (which they do). Then they go upstairs and find his wife, who is alive but so fucked up.

Back at the office, Karen-the-other-hygienist, looking for her coworker who got murdered earlier, stumbles upon the very fucked up IRS dude. We get to listen to the dentist give a little monologue about how grossed out he is that his wife put some dude’s “dirty, rotten… in her mouth!” before he injects air into a vein in Karen-the-other-hygienist’s neck to kill her.

Next up, this girl who has been waiting for two days to get her braces off gets called back. She’s adorable and chipper, so this, of course, can only go well. When’s the last time you had your dentist pull a gun on you?

Our scrappy youngster runs off, and he gives chase (we find that Mr. Goldblum’s jaw elongation procedure is going well by the way), before eventually letting her go after she promises to take very, very good care of her teeth.

After all, he’s got his next job to get to.

Let’s go teach dental students the importance of pulling out everyone’s teeth!

Yeeep, he’s a teacher! And after he shoots one of his students while hallucinating, the cops show up, resulting in the slowest chase scene any movie has ever had (I mean the dude is literally just briskly walking down the hall and he still gets away from them). Anyway, the dentist winds up in an auditorium where a woman is practicing her opera singing. The dentist is entranced by this (we know he loves opera from that scene with his wife earlier) and reaches out to the singer, but he hallucinates his wife’s hecked up face on her and drops to his knees, presumably to have the rest of his nervous breakdown. The cops… uh… well, they just kinda stand around looking disapprovingly at him while he sits on the floor. And that’s… that’s it, I guess?

“Nah, let him rest, he’s had a big day.”

In our final scene, we have some orderlies at his new mental institution drag him down for his regular appointment, where his wife (who I guess is a dentist now) starts drilling at his teeth. This may or may not be a hallucination. It probably doesn’t matter.

Wow. That certainly was a film.

Alright, so, I’ve been typing up my thoughts as I watch, and I think I’ve figured out what I like about this movie, that had me coming back to it over and over as a youngster. There are some movies that just look fun to film, and this is one of them. A number of the shots are really charming, for lack of a better word. There’s the anniversary scene with his wife I mentioned before, but so many others — this movie plays around with point of view, extreme close-ups, some very fun effects used to indicate the hallucinations… there’s even a sideways shot of one of the cops coming down the stairs. I seem to have a real fondness for that sort-of manic, anything-goes approach to filming. Related side note: is there a single steady shot on this whole film? I’m beginning to doubt it.

Corbin Bernsen does a great job. I mean, all the actors do, really, but he is something else. Like, I can’t think offhand of many actors who could successfully take the character “dentist in bad marriage has a nervous breakdown because his wife gives someone else a blow job and it grosses him out; goes on torturemurder spree” without overacting to the point of distraction. “What are you talking about, this dude’s hammier than Easter dinner,” you say. Now, I get the urge here, but I have to disagree; Bernsen plays a fantastic Emasculated White Guy Throwing A Fit.

That picture I posted up there, after the bit about the laundry argument? A dude who makes that face over the idea of wearing the wrong cuff links to work is at most twelve seconds away from completely losing his shit at any given moment. And the dude’s anniversary surprise for his wife was to show off his new, opera-themed dental exam room; none of this behavior seems too off the wall for that character. Granted, I haven’t seen the sequel yet, and the image searches do suggest that our dear dentist is about to use his well-cared-for teeth to chew the hell out of some scenery in The Dentist 2, but in this movie? I’m just saying it’s not an unbelievable portrayal.

Disgruntled white dudes aside, the rest of the cast seems to have a fun time too. Shout out to the receptionist literally sobbing over what a great dentist this guy is (stunning work). If nothing else, stop by for wee baby Mark Ruffalo before he was famous. It’s adorable.

LOOK AT HIM.

ALL THAT SAID, I have to state again how surprised I am by the sheer number of not-dental-related murders! Like, by my count, this guy commits a hefty amount of malpractice, but for a guy on a torturemurder spree, he sure does seem to keep his torture and his murder fairly separate. Let’s tally it:

I’m tired, let’s wrap this up. The Dentist is a fun movie about a dude who loses his shit, does some dental torture, does some murder, does ZERO dental torturemurders, and then just kinda tuckers himself out and sits down. It’s a big silly mess, and I love it.

Tortures: six

The kid at the beginning, the lady he sexually assaults (it counts), his wife (not dead), that lady whose dog he shot, Marvin the IRS guy (alive when last we see him), and the person at the dental school near the end.

Murders: three people, one dog.

The dog (shot), the pool guy (knifed), Jessica-the-hygienist (strangled), Karen-the-other-hygienist (air injected into artery), and that’s… it..? He does shoot that person at the dental school, but it doesn’t appear to be a fatal wound, and Marvin the IRS guy was alive when we saw him last.

Torturemurders: HECKIN’ ZERO.

Zero! None of the tortures are murdered, and nobody he murders is tortured! What the heck kind of slasher dentist doesn’t even kill people via dentistry? No wonder everyone looks down on him at the end.

Alright, first post written. I’m going to bed.

#horrorlad original #the dentist #the dentist (1996)#corbin bernsen #brian yuzna #horror #movie #horror movie #horror movies #movies #review #film review #movie review

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