#cocaine bear!!!!

[an-sceal]

I keep seeing punditry asking if Cocaine Bear is a good movie. Y'all, I went to a theatre and paid for a ticket to see a movie called COCAINE BEAR. In return, I received one hour and thirty-five blessed minutes filled with a BEAR ON COCAINE. "Good" as an arbitrary designation does not apply!

"Based on true events" it says. And you know what? In 1985, there was definitely a bear, on cocaine, somewhere in the Chatahoochee National Forest. That happened. (The bear, found deceased, is stuffed and on display somewhere.) It didn't say, "The official, authorized biography", it said "based on true events".

The practical effects were fun. The guy in the bear suit was obviously having a hell of a time. I saw *spoilers* intestines. There was humour and tension and chemistry. Two teenagers did the cinnamon challenge 35 years too early, with uncut Columbian cocaine.

Is Cocaine Bear a GOOD movie? Fuck, dude, I don't know! I'm not Roger Ebert! But I sure as hell got what I paid for, and that's rare enough that I'll take it.

[third-king-of-salmonids]

WORK HARD PARTY HARDER

[saul-tortellini]

This is how 40k works

[elfgrunge]

Going insane reading this wikipedia quote about the real life Cocaine Bear, which is taxidermied and kept in a mall in Kentucky (though it may actually be a different, unrelated, taxidermied bear)

According to the bear's owners, the Cocaine Bear has the authority to officiate legally binding weddings in the mall where it is kept due to Kentucky's marriage laws. This claim is only partly true; the bear does not have the authority to solemnize weddings, but the state of Kentucky cannot invalidate marriages performed by unqualified persons if the parties believe that the person marrying them has the authority to do so. As such, it is a belief in the Cocaine Bear's authority that allows it to officiate legally binding weddings in Kentucky.

You have to BELIEVE in the power of your Cocaine Bear Marriage for it to take effect. Fucking magical.

[mostly-funnytwittertweets]

[onegiantmeep]

if i had a nickel for every time d20 referenced cocaine bear, i’d have two nickels. which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

[sunny-rants]

2023 out here beating the “cinema is dead” allegations with pure camp

[goryhorroor]

horror sub-genres: animal

[bonyassfish]

Cocaine Bear is so fucking funny because it’s one of those movies where everyone is in a different genre. Some of them are in a crime movie, some are in a heartwarming drama about friendship, fatherhood, and grief, some are in a romantic comedy, some of them are in an action movie about a badass milf saving her kid. But none of them realize they are actually in the bear’s movie. And the bear’s movie is about. Cocaine. And doing cocaine. And killing people. But mostly cocaine.

[animentality]

I'm not over the fact that the Cocaine Bear was female.

All. Along.

AND.

Spoilers...

Cocaine Bear did NOT die, she got away with murdering like half a dozen people, AND she had two little cubs that she got to live happily ever after with.

After doing a monstrous amount of cocaine.

That's a fucking win for feminism and women everywhere.

This is what a real girlboss slay queen looks like:

[cassiebones]

I tweeted this Tumblr screenshot from @one-time-i-dreamt at Elizabeth Banks bc I thought she'd get a kick out of it, being Effie Trinket and also writing Cocaine Bear, and she retweeted it!

I didn't even think she'd see it, let alone acknowledge it! OTID, you're famous!

[an-sceal]

Y'all! Cocaine Bear is the best movie ever made about a bear on cocaine!!!

Also, ngl, there was definite potential between Eddie and Daveed. Calling that ship now.

[assiraphales]

the barbie movie. cocaine bear. dracula!nic cage (renfield). movies being silly and colorful and not taking themselves so seriously. 2023 is the year that cinema heals

[texaschainsawmascara]

Keri Russell curls

[vintage-tigre]

[mostly-funnytwittertweets]