#clue crew villain ranking

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Villains: Ranked By How Much You Could Trust Them To Babysit Your Child

As requested by anon. :)

You need a babysitter for your kid, and for reasons unbeknownst to me, you can only entrust your child to a Cosmere villain. But fear not: this list will aid you by ranking how much you could trust said villains with your precious child.

[Big Spoilers for villain actions throughout! I'd steer clear of any characters from book series you haven't yet finished. However, there is nothing from Wind & Truth previews]

1. Taravangain [Stormlight]: Your child has...slightly better than even odds of being fine

Taravangian is one of the few villains who actually did order a group of children be put to death--remember when he was highly "intelligent" but the child choir was bugging him so he ordered that they all be killed? Not great credentials for a babysitter! On the other hand, his subordinates did talk him out of child murder, and presumably his subordinates would also be there with your child. So your kid probably wouldn't be executed by royal order!

...But I'd maybe stay away from Taravangian.

2. Miles [Mistborn Era 2]: Not the worst choice

If I remember Miles correctly (and I hope so, because I'm not really checking), he's the sort of villain who would have been one of the protagonists in Mistborn Era 1. I mean, his whole thing is that he wants to do what's right and stand up for the downtrodden through loads of murder, which--good resume for Kelsier's crew, am I right? I think your child would probably be fine--seems pretty safe to be strapped in a baby harness against the chest of an unkillable dude. Let's just hope he's not being fired upon by like seventy constables while babysitting.

...Maybe ask him to stay in your house for the job.

3. Hrathen [Elantris]: Are you willing to convert?

I believe Hrathen would actually take very good care of your child. He's a competent guy and doesn't want to cause any harm for harm's sake. On the other hand, you probably won't be paying him money--rather, I'm guessing he's gonna ask you to convert before he'll agree to watch your child.

So: Pros: You child is safe and healthy. Cons: You're a follower of Jaddeth now.

4. Crow [Tress of the Emerald Sea]: Not worth the price

The moment Crow has your kid, she's 100% blackmailing you into committing murder. That's just her MO. You're better off paying your neighbor kid $20 at that point.

5. The Sorceress [Tress of the Emerald Sea]: Uh...her literal thing is kidnapping

Come on, the Sorceress only knows how to do three things: kidnap people, curse people, and build hugely phallic rocket ships disguised as towers. I'm assuming you don't want your child to be kidnapped, cursed, or taught that all tall buildings should be inherently phallic. I'd steer clear of the Sorceress.

6. Odium, original vessel [Stormlight]: Pretty good choice!

What's promising about original-flavor Odium is that he likes to make agreements and will not only keep that agreement but also adhere to its spirit. All you need to do is get Odium to agree to keep your child safe, and Odium will do that!

Now, will Odium ask for something in return? Naturally. Will it be more than a cool $20? Yeah. And will your child be returned to you spouting some nonsense about how they must abandon all negative passions and become unchained? Well, yeah, but they're five. You can probably distract them with some Boo's Clues and they'll forget all about Odium's brainwashing.

All in all, not a terrible choice!

7. Odium, [spoiler-y] vessel [Stormlight]: Well...are you a really good lawyer?

Odium as represented by his new vessel will also keep to the babysitting contract--exactly as written and no further, loopholes fully exploited. So unless you can write an ironclad babysitting contract, you may return to find that sure, your child is physically safe, but they're now the face of a shady baby food company being used to smuggle exotic car parts across state lines. And nobody wants that.

8. Denth & Tonk Fah [Warbreaker]: Take them at their word

Denth & Tonk Fah will definitely tell you that, as mercenaries, they can't be trusted with a small child. Denth will say this in such an offhanded and charming way that you will definitely feel compelled to tell them, "Don't be silly! I know my child will be safe with you two."

Don't do it. Your child will NOT be safe.

Keep looking.

9. Telsin [Mistborn Era 2]: Not a great idea

Best-case scenario, being a good babysitter is somehow an important skill to Autonomy, in which case Telsin will in fact give it her all. You'll come back from your dinner & movie to find that your baby has a Harvard PhD and is mayor of a small town.

But more likely than not, if Telsin wants to watch your child, then she has nefarious plans that involve murder and world domination, and that's probably not the future you want for junior.

10. Straff [Mistborn Era 1]: No

Hahahahaha no.

Just no.

11. Lord Ruler [Mistborn Era 1]: Will immediately hand your kid off to his subordinates

The Lord Ruler is not gonna babysit your kid. He's gonna hand that child off immediately to his subordinates, the obligators. Your best-case is that the obligators also hand your child off to their subordinates, all the way down until your child ends up with a skaa servant who actually has some semblance of human love still in their heart. Worst-case, you find your child sitting on a dusty floor playing with spikes you hope are just rusty.

I'd recommend choosing a different babysitter.

12. Moash [Stormlight]: Not worth the risk

It's not like Moash is just evil for evil's sake or anything, but we know he doesn't have an issue killing innocents (RIP Teft) and he is currently trying to suppress his conscience wholesale. Now, if your child cannot be used in any schemes, I don't think Moash will hurt them for no reason. But if they CAN be used for schemes, then your child might be dropped off a tall tower to distract Kaladin or something. Best-case scenario, your child is returned to you safe & sound but has been given an Evil Baby Makeover (exactly the same outfit as before but it's black now).

I just don't think its worth the risk.

...Evil Baby Makeover might be kinda cute, though.

[meilas]

Socks’ Star Trek must-watch list

Socks’ list of must-watch Trek episodes

OG Trek

Welcome to the NCC-1701 starship, known as the Enterprise. The captain and crew follow rules when the plot says so, the captain is often on away missions with his top-ranked crew members leaving some unqualified guy in charge, and the captain gets to snog a lot of ladies. Like, a lot. Seriously. This series features lots of questionable fashion choices, including men’s heeled boots and miniskirts. 

Space Seed - our introduction to Khan Noonien Singh, played by Ricardo Montalban. Khan is the villain of the second Trek movie Wrath of Khan which is why this episode is on the list.

Taste of Armageddon - Do you remember the game Battleship? Two planets wage a war against each other. There is staggering loss of life, but no destruction. The Lottery in Space.

Mirror, Mirror - obligatory parallel universe episode! This parallel universe shows up later in Deep Space Nine which is why it is on this list.

Trouble With Tribbles - Clue in Space. Just a fun episode. Also shows up in Deep Space Nine!

A Piece of the Action - another fun episode. And the reason I don’t know if the proper expression is concrete galoshes or cement overshoes.

Let That Be Your Last Battlefield - two individuals who are the very last members of their races who were at war are still trying to kill each other. This episode was about racism and it is not subtle about it at all.

Next Generation

Welcome to the NCC-1701D, also known as the Enterprise! Not the Enterprise from the original series, but a younger, more advanced starship that is the successor to the Enterprise name. And since the Enterprise and trouble go so well together, the crew of this Enterprise find lots of adventures to keep them busy as they explore strange new worlds and seek out new civilisations.

Encounter at Farpoint - The very first episode. Not great, but it also serves as an introduction to Q, who will show up several times throughout the series. So that I don’t fill up this whole post, just go ahead and watch every Q episode (which will 99% of the time have Q in the title.)

Measure of a Man - Data is put on trial to determine if he is property or his own person, and Riker is forced to testify against him for plot reasons. This episode explores individuality and friendship.

Q Who - I said I wouldn’t fill this up and I won’t, but this episode is special because it introduces the Borg. There’s also a great moment between Picard and Q toward the end.

The Survivors - An elderly couple are the last survivors on a planet. Hard to explain why I like this episode without giving away the whole plot.

Sarek - This episode can be pretty sad as it deals with dementia and what it can do to people.

Menage a Troi - Any episode with Deanna’s mother, Lwaxana, is always a funny one. (Except the one that is sad, more on that later.) This episode is excellent because we get to hear Sir Patrick Stewart recite Shakespeare in the most over-the-top delivery possible.

Best of Both Worlds, parts one and two - THE CLIFFHANGER TO END ALL CLIFFHANGERS HOLY SHIT THIS EPISODE HAS ALL THE DRAMA

Family - A follow-up to Best of Both Worlds. Deals with family that is gone, family that can be A Bit Much, and family that is estranged.

Suddenly Human - This episode is similar to the Deep Space Nine episode Cardassians: a boy who has been adopted by others is discovered and found to have living family who want him back. Which family is the child supposed to stay with?

Darmok - An episode all about language and how ideas are communicated. Yes it has some flaws, but overall it is interesting from a linguistic point of view. By the end of the episode, you will understand how darmok=memes and inside jokes.

The First Duty - A good Wesley episode. This explores truth, loyalty, and doing what is right.

I, Borg - The Enterprise rescues a Borg teenager, who begins to develop individuality. He is named Hugh. Hugh is adorable.

The Inner Light - THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE EVER. IF THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING ON THIS LIST THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING PLEASE AT LEAST WATCH THIS.

Rascals - Picard and a few other randos (no seriously why is this bunch of people even on a shuttle together?) experience a transporter malfunction and are beamed aboard the Enterprise, except they materialise as pre-teen children! This episode is just pure fun. Contains: bby!Picard throwing a tantrum, and bby!Guinan jumping on the bed.

*Frame of Mind - This is a pretty heavy episode that deals with hallucinations. Riker is supposed to be performing in a play, but suddenly he’s in an alien mental institution and accused of murder. Riker repeatedly flashes between being on the Enterprise and being in the institution and he increasingly cannot tell which is real.

*Technically, this episode does not contain gaslighting even though it will seem like it. Please make sure you are in a good place if you decide to watch this episode.

**Dark Page - Lwaxana Troi is back! But something is up with her.

**I can’t explain why this is a serious episode without giving it away, so here it is: this episode deals with child death.

Deep Space Nine

By far my absolute favourite series, and the only one I have seen every episode of. Deep Space Nine is about a Cardassian space station that is now occupied by joint Federation and Bajoran forces. Deep Space Nine just so happens to be situated right by a stable wormhole that goes to another quadrant of space that would take years and years and years to travel to by starship alone. Naturally, everyone wants to be in control of the wormhole. The closest planet, Bajor, was until recently occupied by Cardassians. (Think of Cardassians as Space Russians.) The Bajorans are deeply spiritual people (literally every fucking Bajoran subscribes to the same religion) and they believe that their gods reside in the wormhole. (THEY ARE WORMHOLE ALIENS FFS AND THEY DON’T CARE ONE BIT ABOUT BAJOR OR CARDASSIA OR THE FEDERATION.) Because this series is set on a space station that does not go anywhere, we get to see that actions have consequences. If Next Generation was the fuck around series, this one is the find out series.

Emissary - A two-parter and our introduction to Deep Space Nine and the majority of the major characters in this show. 

Past Prologue - This episode is important because we meet Garak, a tailor and the only Cardassian still living on the station. What could he possibly be doing here?

Duet - A Cardassian arrives at the station, as they often do, but this one seems to be hiding something. This explores topics of colonialism, genocide, terrorism, and how complicated people really are. This was one of the episodes that made me watch the entirety of DS9. (The other was Take Me Out to the Holosuite.)

Cardassians - Another Garak episode. This one has a similar plot to the Next Generation episode Suddenly Human. Garak and Bashir discover a Cardassian boy is the adopted son of a Bajoran man. But since Bajorans and Cardassians kind of hate each other because Cardassions tried to colonize Bajor, there is a concern that the Cardassian boy is being abused by his adopted father. To make matters worse, Gul Dukat gets involved. (Gul Dukat is played by a native Wisconsinite!)

Shadowplay - Kind of similar to the Next Generation episode Survivors.

The Wire - Garak episode! This episode deals with the topic of addiction and friendship.

Second Skin - Kira might actually be an undercover Cardassian agent?!?

Crossover - Welcome back to the mirror universe, which we haven't seen since the OG series. Here we find out what happened after Kirk left that universe. Told you this was the 'find out' series.

Fascination - A fun Lwaxana episode

Past Tense, parts one and two - Time travel episode! This episode takes place August 30-September 1, 2024. The Bell Riots occurred in San Francisco, and were a turning point in earth history. These are pretty heavy episodes, and they deal with things that still resonate today: poverty, racism, classism, homelessness.

The Visitor - Similar vibes to The Inner Light. Sisko jumps through time at increasing intervals. Meanwhile, Jake lives his life with his father literally popping into existance for a short time only. Jake is older every time. Sisko is not.

Trials and Tribble-ations - The 'find out' episode to OG Trek's Trouble With Tribbles. This is just a really cool episode that blends footage from OG Trek with DS9.

Things Past - An interesting episode where some of the crew wake up in the bodies of people living on the station during the Cardassian occupation.

Ties of Blood and Water - Kira's Cardassian "father" (the guy from Second Skin) arrives on the station.

In the Cards - Jake and Nog do increasingly weird tasks in their quest to obtain a baseball card for Jake's father. Oh and that bitch Kai Winn is there too.

Statistical Probabilities - This episode introduces the Jack Pack! They're a bunch of genetically altered humans, just like Bashir! Oh, and they are extremely neurodivergent and would probably be tons of fun to hang out with.

Far Beyond the Stars - The crew, but what if they were science fiction writers in the 50s? Deals with the topic of racism.

In the Pale Moonlight - How far is Sisko willing to go to get the Romulans to join the war against the Dominion?

Take Me Out to the Holosuite - One of DS9's obligatory holosuite episodes. A Vulcan that Sisko knows shows up and in a very un-Vulcan-like manner boasts to Sisko that he and his crew are superior beings who have been trying Sisko's favorite sport and just absolutely crushing it. Sisko challenges him to a baseball game. The only problem is that most of his crew are not human and have never played baseball before.

Chrysalis - Have you ever read Flowers for Algernon? The Jack Pack returns.

[auxiliarydetective]

*pokes head from ground like a prairie dog*

i see you have an opla oc as well…? tell me anything you wanna share abt Cora pls!!

Yessss, I do!!! My darling Cora~ There’s SO much I could say about her but I don't know your level of manga knowledge and I don't wanna spoil too much (please read her fic, I'm begging, it's not a long read), so... Have 10 mostly spoiler-free facts and fun facts!

1. Cora's full name is Akaito Coraline (pronounced Korahleen like in French for manga trivia reasons) and she comes from a long line of very famous tailors

2. Cora and Sanji were childhood friends and pretty much immediately become very close again when they reunite at Baratie. You really can't say who fell first and who fell harder, they are both down bad and being stupid about it. It's the same but also very different for Zoro and Cora, except they are being even more stupid about it. Like, I'm pretty sure they don't even know they're in love and it'll take years for them to act on it. And then we have Zoro and Sanji being Zoro and Sanji. Like, are you flirting or fighting? (Looking at you, plate scene...) These three, I swear...

3. Cora's main weapon is a rapier and she can use a large pair of scissors as a parrying dagger if necessary, but she prefers just not fighting at all or tricking her opponents. She's not too strong of a fighter, but I always like to say that, ignoring all personal relationships, if her and Zoro fought, the winner would probably be decided by luck within the first few seconds, simply because it's a rapier vs a katana. Either Cora stabs Zoro straight away and wins or Zoro slices Cora straight away and wins, since they both have no real way of dodging each other’s fighting style. Similarly, she could potentially beat Luffy in one stab because of her longer range. But if she has to go longer than a minute or so against either of them, she probably loses because they end up disarming her. Speaking of losing, she loses against Sanji. That's just it. If they even fought at all, he would probably dodge the first stab and the next second he kicks her rapier out of her hand. Then she'd have to try and strangle him with his necktie but that takes time and every second counts against Sanji, so... Yeah, she loses. I'd say she's probably rank 4 among the Straw Hats fighting-wise, quickly followed by Nami and then Usopp is just, well, poor Usopp. For now...

4. She does the crew's laundry because she doesn't trust anyone else with the laundry. Like, she took one look at those guys and went "nope, you’re not touching my clothes, nuh-uh". And she was right, the others have no clue what they're doing, except maybe Nami and Sanji, but Cora has very special fabrics and opinions, so... She does the laundry, no bickering necessary

5. Very much an Acts of Service kind of person in that her first instinct when she likes someone platonically or otherwise is to go "let me make some clothes for you OwO". If she sees one loose thread on your shirt or something, or a button threatening to fall off or a small hole or tear or anything, she's right there like "Want me to fix it for you??? Please, I love you."

6. Will wear heels anywhere anytime. If she can't wear heels, she'll go for platforms. Generally, it's fashion over function with her, even though she usually finds a way to combine the two. For example, all her skirts AND dresses have pockets and she tries her very hardest to also keep that rule in her designs. If it's not 100% snug to the body, it will have pockets. Otherwise, she'll make sure you get a matching bag/purse.

7. She definitely judges people by their fashion choices. If you're a villain and you're up against her, the first thing she'll do is insult your outfit and then turn your bad fashion choices against you by using your clothes as a weapon. Anything is a bad fashion choice when up against Cora and her devil fruit.

8. Speaking of devil fruits, hers is the Chiku Chiku no Mi or Sew Sew Fruit which allows her mastery over essentially all of the steps and items in the clothesmaking process. Not too practical for full-on battle because you can't concentrate on thin thread and complicated seams while fighting, but hella versatile in everyday life AND when fucking with people (take the double entdendre or leave it, I didn’t intend for it but... it's true-)

9. Traumatized as hell (I won't say from what, read the fic if you want a hint) but the Straw Hats are her emotional support idiots

10. Scared of touch but also chronically touch-starved. Once it settles into her brain that you are safe to touch and, most importantly, be touching her, she absolutely will become a cuddle bug. Remember how generally touchy the Straw Hats are with each other? She'll get there one day, give her maybe one more season or two

Aaand, to top it all off, have a bonus fun fact about her family name:

"Akaito" is derived from the Japanese "akai ito" which means "red thread" and refers to the red string of fate which binds lovers. Keep that in mind, it'll become important later in the story ;)

Thanks SO much for the ask! Feel free to hop in my ask box again anytime. I have many more things to share and I always love talking about my baby Cora

[an-american-teen-against-crime]

The Nancy Drew Villains: The Good, the Bad, and the Iconic

So here’s the thing, I feel like there are a lot of lame and mediocre villains, but there are also some really good villains and some iconic ones. To quote Megamind, the difference between being a villain and being a super-villain is in the presentation. So I will be going through the villains and organizing them, by who is lame, who makes for a good villain, and who has the aesthetic and presentation down pat. 

spoilers for every game of course. 

Mitch/Uncle Steve??: Lame. Boring. Where is the villainy? Where is the skill? Mitch wasn’t even around and Uncle Steve was sus as heck. Also Mitch in the remastered literally called and threatened Nancy with his own phone number. Props for the boiler room incident, but thats all you get buddy, you literally murdered a teenager. Like an annoying one but still. 

Dwayne Powers: Iconic. Listen. This dude is horrible and honestly really dumb but like the drama??? the presentation??? The letters, the end speech, honestly iconic and some of HeR’s best villain work however RAN was really dumb and very racist so we’re just. yeah. Dwayne you get negative points for that. 

Louis: who is he again 

no presentation, not even a good plan. He barely did anything. Worse than Mitch and Steve. 

Lisa: Not the brightest, her voice is annoying and like. I just don’t care. Lame

Joseph: Listen. He has zero presentation and also messed up but like is legit terrifying to me and him pretending to help us the whole time only to be the bad guy like w o w. Left me shook. Not a super villain but one of the top. 

sigh Taylor: no presentation. The cool red hand was Henrik so really Henrik deserves this one also pretty sure Taylor murdered an elderly couple and gave Nancy like 20% of her trauma by locking her in the monolith. I mean that was pretty evil. So maybe like a point for being extra evil. But yeah. idk. 

Emily: I mean............... the dogs, complicated but dedicated. But like she didn’t even own it c’mon girl. Rock owning four hellhounds or move over. 

Eliot: Honestly the plan was kinda great....but you had legit not a good reason to murder Nancy. Like i feel you still could have gotten an okay sentence but you tried to murder her like three times. No. 

Andy: I mean. He had a tight racket going, and was like technically the boss man but like did you see that guy? He ran a whale museum all alone. Like whales are rad but that’s just sad my dude. And for a self-proclaimed whale lover you treated that whale like crap, so negative points. Solid plan, but I’m not putting you on the good villain list because your face bothers me. 

Shorty: Legit terrifying and I hate him but like idk i dug the horse plot and hiding out in the ghost town? Great. He’s not a super villain, but like, he’s a good villain. 

jane: Iconic. Phenomenal. WOw. Legit terrifying, insanely smart, and her presentation, aesthetic, vibe? immaculate. Truly a super villain at the wee age of twelve like wowwww. 

Jane/Marion: Listen. Quite the racket she had going. Like I am legit impressed. Maybe not the best actress but she did great. Not a super villain but def a good one. 

Lori: I love this game but Lori sweetie why. Why. Like she’s an interesting character but not a good villain.

Minette: I wanted to write her off because like....it wasn’t even her idea but yakno, points for presentation that mask and the end fight ridiculous as it was, was indeed iconic. 

Big Island Mike/Pua: Mike is iconic but not for his villainy, but however I will put him in the iconic category because that’s just what he is. 

Yanni: Iconic, no I will not be taking criticism. 

Renee: Legit terrifying to me.......jury still out though if she’s a super-villain? I think just a good villain but yeah. 

Helena: Iconic. She even has a super-villain name anddddd created an art theft ring like WOW. And Nico deserves to be there too because that mask and costume was his choice and I am very impressed.

Fiona: doesn’t count but honestly props for being iconic with the hair and jet pack. I mean. She was pretty freaky. 

Corine: Iconic, wonderful presentation, actual plan was worse than the presentation but still, an icon. Also a super villain name like pop off Corine. 

Scott: No. He was a hot mess and honestly get this man some therapy.

Rentaro: hm. I am conflicted. Motivation sucked. Presentation, amazing. But like....not actually a solid villain??? Idk. Just so... upsetting. Negative points for being a dick. 

Anja: Again, not the best plan, but revenge? Iconic. The monster? Iconic. Her vow of revenge? Love to see it. Definitely a super villain. 

Brenda: Good villain but not a super villain. Zero presentation and like what is that look girl. Just no. 

Abdullah: Highkey iconic. Homie thought he was actually Rameses and owned that ish. Good and iconic villain.

Victor: Annoying. Kinda hated him but genuinly terrifying and also murder by tesla coil, like that’s pretty hardcore my guy wow. And I know everyone saw it coming except me but having him show up and then feeling trapped in there with him was really awesome and scary. Super villain level dude, congrats. 

Clara: Hm. I mean she’s pretty evil but really no presentation. I feel like she feels very real? Definitely a good villain  but not a super one.

Ewan: YOU HAD SO MUCH POTENTIAL!!!! YOU WERE A SPY VILLAIN!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SO LAME

Kiri: No.

Xenia/Thanos: Wow this whole plot, villain reveal, Xenia’s speech, her mind, her brilliance, the costumes, the presentation, the plot, everything. Amazing. Iconic, truly super villain levels. 

Soren: You tried. I do appreciate the axe though. But the sweater man? Really? 

Who was the villain for MID? Oh right. Alicia. What a bitch. I hope you eat a piece of moldy bread.  Thank you for reading!!!! Please share your thoughts as well. 

[heytheresassydetective]

UNOFFICIAL RANKING OF VILLAINS

Edit: I updated the top few spots in this list to reflect how I feel now. Should I add Midnight in Salem to the list? Let me know!!

Alright, Clue Crew, here it is- the villain ranking nobody asked for!  This was harder than expected, and I tried to make a logical way of ordering things, but who am I to judge who was the best ne’er-do-well?  If you have any questions about my ranking, want an explanation, or just want to yell at me, shoot me an ask.  

HERE WE GO:

33. SCK- Mitch Dillon

Do I remember much about this guy? No, no I do not.  I remember that he was a drug dealer and wasn’t in most of the game, so I never felt anything towards him.  That being said, he did kill a high school student, so I wouldn’t mess with him.  As far as character development goes, I give him an F.  Sorry not sorry Mitch.

32. MED- Sonny Joon? Or Kiri??? Who tf knows???

The real culprits of MED are the people who thought this game was a good idea.  All jokes aside, I don’t know if I want to list Sonny Joon as a villain, because he’s been such a cool character that has reappeared (but never actually appeared) throughout the games.  I don’t like how they introduced him- a game show?  Really?  It sounds fun in theory, but it doesn’t logically lead to finding that Annunaki shit he was looking for, in my mind at least.  He could have easily found Nancy (they have enough mutual friends by now) and been like “Hey what’s up hello I wanna find this shit help me out”.  Anyway, I think his character design for the game was sloppy- they spent so much time hyping this guy up over the course of the games, and then we meet this purple-haired guy who only speaks in riddles that try to make him sound edgy?  That’s like half of the people on tumblr (no offense to tumblr lol).  This game lowkey pisses me off, and they could do better with Sonny’s character.  As for Kiri, she was just kinda there until the end when she was like “lol okay i’ll be the bad guy in this competition” no thanks.

31. SCK: R- Detective Beech

I was hesitant to put this game into the mix, but it’s only fair, because it has a different ending than the original SCK.  Detective Beech seemed weird from the get-go, but I wasn’t ready for him to pull a fucking gun on Nancy.  And if you choose the wrong things, he will legitimately kill you, and it’s extreme.  It was cool that they changed the ending, but let’s get real here, when they said there would be a different ending and then Detective Beech showed up, did anyone not think “yeah it’ll probably be him”.  There were enough turns to get me to doubt a bit, but it was pretty obvious.  So, yeah, points for pulling a gun on Nancy, deductions for being obvious.

30. TRT- Lisa Ostrum

Oh, Lisa- what a chatty character.  She literally never shuts up in the final tower scene, and then decides to momentarily incapacitate Nancy for her big escape instead of trying something more permanent.  That pepper spray had the most extra name ever, like you could have just said “pepper spray” to get the message across.  Also- since everyone is snowed in, she wouldn’t have anywhere to go once she got away.  Flawed plan aside, she always bugged me.  Sorry Lisa, take your catchphrases and bobblehead somewhere else.

29. CLK- Jane Willoughby

CLK is fine as a game, and I love the aesthetic, but it’s not one of my favorites.  I thought Jane was an okay villain, with identity theft and attempted robbery and all that jazz, but she doesn’t really stick out in my mind, save for the plethora of “you betcha”s.  The endgame was also weird to me- I wouldn’t expect a game set in the 1930’s to end in a car chase that causes a pie explosion, but less believable things have happened to Nancy Drew.  I don’t hate Jane as a villain, but this game came right after some really stellar games- some of my favorites (DDI, SHA, and CUR)- so I can see why this one felt a little flat to me.  Jane’s plan was actually pretty good, and it’s something that couldn’t be pulled off today as easily as in the 30s, so props to her.

28. STFD- Dwayne Powers

I honestly have mixed feelings about Dwayne because of everything that has transpired with his character, but attempting murder out of jealousy? That’s extreme, and I feel like it was a well-done crime, all things considered.  Plus, I didn’t notice until after playing the game a few times that Owen W. Spayder is an anagram for Dwayne Powers.  Very sneaky, HeR.  While I’ll cover Dwayne in RAN later, I do think that he would be one to seek revenge, so his return almost made sense to me.

27. SSH- Taylor Sinclair

This guy seemed overly nice from the beginning.  Cookies from Oaxaca?  You know he’s hiding something.  He was too nice to make me feel comfortable when talking to him, and locking Nancy in a grave with a corpse? Eek, no thanks.  I’m kinda peeved that we never got to really catch him, because while we were trying to get out of that stone death chamber, Taylor was captured, Henrik regained his memory, AND all the other characters decided to get all chummy with each other.  Pretty convenient ending, if you ask me.

26. RAN- Dwayne Powers (again)

Oh god, here we go.  RAN is not a loved game by most of the Clue Crew (there are some outliers who like it, no shame to them), but in all honesty, I liked that they brought back an old villain.  I don’t like this game at all, and I think they could have done something waaaay more creepy with a returning villain (it’s clear Dwayne has been tracking Nancy- he could have played so many mind games with her regarding past cases), but yeah, bringing back Dwayne wasn’t a terrible idea at all, they just went about it wrong.  His nefarious acts were more villainous to me in this game for whatever reason- maybe it was his hiding in plain sight (or hiding Bess in plain sight for that matter), or his strategic planning that showed just how far he’d go to get revenge.  It makes sense that he got away tbh- I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw him again.  If we do, can I ask HeR to make that one extra scary- he could set up a series of events that play out like all her past cases leading up to that one, and make references only she could know about, and damn this is a good idea someone hire me.

25. HAU- Fiona, like kinda

Can I put Fiona down as the culprit here?  Like, yeah, she kidnapped a guy and pushed Nancy down a hole and caused some havoc, but she’s also a feral old woman on a jet pack, so is it her fault she’s this way??  Who’s the real culprit of this game, a society that will accept this and say “ah fuck it she’s a banshee that dude’s gone pass the non-alcoholic drinks”?  Anyway.  While I like HAU and it’s quirky puzzles and charming atmosphere and gorgeous music, that ending is so out of left field it’s kind of funny to me- like suddenly the game just goes “HERE HAVE AN OLD WOMAN GIVE YOU A JUMP SCARE THEN SOLVE A HARD CHEMICAL PUZZLE”- it seems so out of place to me, but it made for a relatively pleasant ending for all, so no harm done, I guess?

24. TRN- Lori Gerard

Lori is another villain that doesn’t stick out to me, because I honestly see her as an accidental villain.  I don’t think she wanted to hurt Nancy, I just think she wanted to prove everyone wrong and show herself as a smart and capable woman.  However, the way she went about it wasn’t cool, so yeah, villain status for her.  I thought her disappearing act was clever, and her character as a whole is hilarious to me, so she’s not on the rotten side of villains in my perspective.  Lori is dramatic as hell and super spoiled so that always makes for an entertaining character, and it wasn’t SUPER obvious that they would make the hostess the culprit, so she’s not too high on the list, but it doesn’t make her bad.  Honestly, she and Tino Balducci deserve each other.  

23. CRE- Mike Mapu

Big. Island. Mike.  The man, the myth, the legend.  The Clue Crew’s fascination with this character will never cease to amuse me.  And yet, while I think he’s a fine character, I’m not thrilled by his role as a villain.  His reveal at the end just seemed so…anticlimactic?  And he seemed to quickly change his mind?  One minute he was all “we have angered Kane Okala oh nooooo” and then the next he’s like “y’all can die for all I care” and peaces tf out of the volcano or wherever they were.  This whole game was just very “eh” for me.  Big Island Mike is a great meme, and good on him for going all “fuck you” to capitalism and whatnot, but I wasn’t thrilled by his ENDLESS parade of chores and the random-ass snowcone guessing game annoyed me more than Fox & Geese (hard to believe).  Still, I’d stay at Mike’s resort if I went to Hawaii, because I think he’d be a fun guy.

22. ICE- Yanni Volkstaia

Now, I don’t want to come right out and say that ICE was made in the Cold-War era as a thinly-veiled anti-USSR game, but nobody’s believing that Yanni is really from “motherland Fredonia”, amiright?  All jokes aside, I like ICE as a game (with the exception of fox and geese jfc), and the ending had you believing there was a different villain every minute (or like, every five minutes), but I was kind of disappointed that one of the wisest, most intriguing characters in the whole game was the villain.  That being said, if you go back and play the game, you can see how Yanni is constantly talking about how wolves are bad omens and this one is a sign of evil aaaaaaaah and it makes sense that he’s trying to get people away from the lodge that way.  Also, this guy is a pro athlete.  Do you really want me to believe that Nancy Drew can run him off the snow and force him to confess??

21. TOT- Scott Varnell

TOT is kind of a breath of fresh air as a low-stakes internship simulator where you can run stoplights and take pictures of clouds and trap mice a thousand times.  That being said, I don’t feel threatened by Scott, so he seems like a more casual villain to me, if that makes any sense.  Nancy kind of inadvertently saves his life, right?  Like kind of?  So I’m pretty chill with this whole game and with Scott- at the end of the game, it really feels like nothing big was lost, but nothing big was gained, which is honestly a nice break from the mindset of “do this or you DIE BY THE HANDS OF THE VILLAIN”

20. FIN- Joseph Hughes

Why does Nancy trust this guy so much throughout the game??? It annoys me to no end that she tells him e v e r y t h i n g.  But really, I couldn’t help but feel bad for this guy.  You find out that his brother died, so he might be in denial or in the early stages of dementia.  Still, he kidnapped Maya, and almost got her and Nancy killed (whether that was intentional or not), and that last scene with him when Nancy was trying to tell him what was really going on was terrifying to me when I was younger.  He seemed sorry though, so he’s not a ~hardcore villain~ in my eyes.

19. DAN- Minette

I feel like making Minette the villain was a really predictable move, but there needs to be a predictable character every once in awhile, right?  I loved her erratic and aggressive character, but the endgame was so weird to me that it kind of spoiled the game for me.  However, I liked that HeR made Minette a designer for plus-sized women, and that plot to bug the First Lady’s dress?  Clever.  The ending with blocking Minette’s attacks will forever confuse me- it seemed very out of left field and honestly, I want Nancy to beat someone up, not just block their sound-specific hits.  I was also disappointed about Minette’s reason for her mask- they couldn’t have tried a little harder and made it some botched plastic surgery or something??

18. WAC- Corine Myers

The roommate trope!  Love it or hate it, it’s here.  I have mixed feelings about WAC- I generally like it, but the characters’ oversized eyes bug me to no end, and I feel like there could be a little more Edgar Allen Poe mixed in there, but overall it’s a solid game.  I can’t stand some of the characters- Leela is so fucking annoying (I think it’s her voice that gets to me), and the twin reveal makes absolutely no sense (how’re you gonna live two lives if you only have documentation for one person??), but they’re not the villains, so I’ll gloss over that.  Corine had a well-thought-out plan and stuck to it, even though she came close to killing a few people.  She’s a wickedly smart girl, and she knows it, and I think that’s what made her so dangerous.  Also, did Corine not go to jail for what she did?  I get that she’s a minor, but she caused some real damage to these people.  Whatever- I don’t think she’d come for Nancy for revenge, but I wouldn’t want to room with her again.

17. TMB- Abdullah Bakhoum

I’ve loved learning about Ancient Egypt since I was little, so TMB was really fun for me.  I liked Abdullah as a villain- it certainly made sense why he did what he did- but again, it felt a little obvious.  He’s too self-centered and abrasive to let anyone else get that much attention, even an unnamed villain.  Anyway, I think TMB gets a lot of flack for being forgettable, and yeah I can understand that, but it’s a solid game and that end puzzle was really fun for me, so I’m still rooting for this game!

16. MHM- Louis Chandler

Louis is a pretty tame villain, in my opinion.  I love MHM, but I never felt like the villain in that game was out to hurt me.  If anything, I was more worried about the mansion itself, because I still believe that it was actually haunted (fucked me up as a kid).  Still, he did a good job of trying to steal the treasure, so props to him.  He did kind of creep me out, and it always bugged me that he kicked Nancy out of the mansion for literally reading the same book he read.

15. ASH- Brenda Carlton

Brenda Carlton is so fucking annoying to me, let’s get that out of the way.  She’s such a slimy reporter that will do anything to get the story she wants (she is willing to dress up as Nancy and set a historic building on fire just to ruin one person’s reputation jfc).  I’m starting to notice a theme of pettiness with these villains, tbh.  Anyway, I commend her dedication to her cause, that’s something I can always respect, but if Nancy Drew can solve your crime from a jail cell, is it really that airtight of a plan??  Tbh I think the reason why I dislike Brenda so much is that she somehow gets everyone to turn on Nancy, a girl that has helped countless people and has a shining reputation.  Also she takes advantage of Ned, who is a naive sweet boy and he doesn’t deserve that!!  I really like ASH, and bringing down Brenda is so satisfying, but I can’t rank her much higher due to my bias.

14. CAR- Elliot Chen

Right off the bat- being strangled by Elliot was traumatizing, like holy shit are these games really intended for children???  Now that I got that out of the way, I liked Elliot’s subtle actions that sent Nancy off the case- helping her with Joy’s different riddles so she wouldn’t look into the accidents both played into the plot and supposedly threw you “off the case”- although it ended up helping you in the end.  Also, props to Elliot for using his talents to make forged art- I’m not saying I agree with it, but if I were a starving artist (and with my major, I’m on that track) I would get where he was coming from.

13. VEN- Helena Berg

It’s always the fun roommate with these games, isn’t it?  Anyway, I think it’s cool how Helena gets all chummy with you then turns out to be il Dottore, but in all honesty, it didn’t come as a surprise to me.  It did seem kind of weird that in a game set in Italy, the German is the culprit- I don’t see where they were going with that one.  And that final chase scene on the map was soooooo pointless- it could have tested some actual skill picked up in the game, like dancing in a cat suit.  Nancy and Helena could have had a dance-off, but nooooooo.  Also, the puzzle at the end. No.  Tbh Helena wasn’t that memorable to me, but good for her for having a crime ring, sothereyougo.

12. SPY- Ewan Macleod

Right off the bat- who in their right minds takes a letter a dead woman wrote to her only daughter and takes notes on it???????  That makes Ewan at least five types of rude.  Anyway, I liked how you start the game on his side and he’s all “oh I’m just here to help tell me what you find and we’ll get this together” and at the end it’s like “haha SIKE BITCH I work for the other group”.  That being said, I don’t think Ewan is very high-up in Revenant because Nancy could have easily killed him (though idk if she would kill anyone… that’d be an interesting concept to look into in future games).  Still, I like Ewan as a character and a villain, but maybe that’s because I like SPY so much.  It’s an emotional game- she’s literally looking into the death of her own mother- and while I don’t like parts of it (Nancy was like 3 when her mom died okay not 10 don’t tell me otherwise), I think Ewan was just enough villain for a game so invested in the past.

11. CRY- Renee Amande

One of the few villains that is truly completely off their rocker, I didn’t realize until my second playthrough that Renee probably killed Bruno Bolet with some of that voodoo hoodoo whatever you call it.  I love CRY and it’s ambience, and I think Renee fit right in with the aesthetic.  Also, you can eat all her chocolate and make Nancy hella sick, which is always a plus in my book.  The way I see it, tbh, you can play CRY one of two ways: either you can believe that Renee is completely crazy, or you can suspend your disbelief (which is fun for a few of these games) and believe in this crystal skull magic, which makes Renee far more powerful and terrifying.  Either way, she was willing to lock Nancy in a crypt and throw away the key, so this woman was willing to do whatever it took to get this damn crystal.

And heeeeeeere’s the top 10!

10. SEA- Soren Bergusson

Poor, sad, villainous Soren.  Nobody likes him so he plans to steal some treasure and possibly kill some people in the process.  In all honesty, I liked Soren as a friend and suspect, and I understand why he hates everyone in Skipbrot: they all hated him first just because he grew up a bit out of town.  While I sympathize with him, he was willing to let Nancy and Magnus just kinda die- like I don’t think he really cared what happened to them.  That’s not the way to make friends, Soren!  He had a solid plan going- he essentially let Nancy do all the puzzle-solving and hard work, which kind of happens in every Nancy Drew game when there’s treasure involved.  I really like SEA, even the sideplot about Ned and Nancy (attack me all you want), so I think Soren is an understandable and solid villain.  I especially like how you can choose if he gets a hard punishment or a more gentle one.  Also, is it confirmed that Soren was the cause of that screaming heard in the ice caves?  Does anyone have an explanation for that? Pls let me know k thx.

9. DED- Victor Lossett

Most phone characters stay in the phone, but not this guy.  He feels it necessary to arrive on the scene halfway through gameplay and turn Nancy’s suspicions on their head.  Iconic.  Honestly, Victor had the right idea by subtly hinting that other suspects could be guilty, and I love that HeR made the very guy that hired Nancy be the culprit.  It was a refreshing twist on the games!  Victor straight-up is not against frying Nancy to a crisp at the end there, whereas some villains try to kill her in less painful ways or even just incapacitate her.  While I can’t forgive him for killing Niko Jovic, one of the raddest characters we never get to meet, I applaud his villainous works.  You go, Victor.  You go.

8. DDI- Andy Jason

And here we see another wonderfully-made double persona in the form of Andy.  I’m honestly surprised he didn’t try to kill Nancy on that whale-watching tour, but his front as a marine life geek who yells “Whales rule!” at you is pretty convincing.  I was also impressed at the lengths he went to in order to frame Katie (he even tied her to a chair to make her look evil!!), and his nefarious acts hide as three separate mysteries.  I hope that hit to the head messed with his memory, because he’d definitely come for Nancy if he got out of jail imo.  I like Andy, although he kinda acts like in the end he sold his soul to the devil to run this crime-rig.  Also, he got this orca from the Russian military- I wanted more on that, that’s wicked!  I definitely think DDI happens when HeR is figuring out what makes a good villain, and while they miss the mark in later games, I think this one was pretty appropriate for its time- and I love replaying it, the atmosphere and villain and endless clam chowder really tie together nicely.

7. DOG- Emily Griffin

DOG wasn’t a scary game in the typical sense, because there really weren’t any jump-scares that made you freak, aside from the dogs in the beginning.  However, the ambience made me feel like someone was watching me, and knowing that one of these nice, quirky people was trying to kill me shows the psychological games DOG played.  I really think this was the beginning of HeR unlocking their potential for terrifying sequences, and they begin to show off in later games.  Also, while MHM and TRT had some ambience, this was the first one that really gave me ~vibes~ that added to the game.  FIN and SSH kinda did, but still.  With all of that in mind, Emily is super creepy to me- knowing that she could do all of those things and keep a facade of a chipper shop owner shows how two-faced people can be.  That endgame was so terrifying- how did Nancy manage to get a picture of Emily coming after her with a random-ass bone??  Also, I loved her little cameo in DAN.

6. CAP- Anja Mittelmeier

Alright.  I’m not crazy about CAP, but someone recently pointed out to me that it echoes past games (not sure how, but it makes me want to give it a second look), so I like it well enough.  That being said, I really think Anja is a great villain here.  She poses herself as a “let’s talk about guys and I can give you advice” kind of person, someone Nancy can relate to, especially with her guy troubles in this game.  Not only that, but Anja purposefully piques Nancy’s interest by feigning concern at first, being all “oh, I don’t know if I should tell you this” to make her more interested.  A+ psychology right there.  While I’m not totally sure most people would go to this much trouble over one guy, I applaud Anja’s pettiness and readiness for revenge.  Speaking of which, I have a sneaking suspicion we haven’t seen the last of her.  Her last line was ominous as hell and I loved it.  I’m here for more Anja screentime (gametime? What’s the phrase here?)

5. LIE- Literally everyone in that dang museum

I love Greek mythology, so I have a bone to pick with LIE.  FIRST OFF- there was no Labyrinth in the story of Persephone, y’all are thinking about the fucking Minotaur.  SECOND OFF- that stage made no sense (I made a post about it earlier, salt salt salt).  I’m not gonna spend this time talking about my problems with LIE, so I’ll leave it at those two examples.  Problems aside, I thought having all the suspects be a part of the art theft rig was… kinda cool?  And I like the characters by themselves: Niobe is sweet and unsure about her part in the group, Grigor is a classic narcissistic actor (I can relate to that 100% lol), Thanos is intimidating but under the surface… he’s still intimidating, and Xenia HOLY SHIT.  Like in that last part with the throne in the underworld won me over for her.  She could come to my place of residence and beat me up and I would thank her (honestly same for Thanos too).  I like the mix of less into the crime-y stuff (Niobe and Grigor) to a whole ‘nother level of criminal (Xenia and Thanos).  Also you know Thanos is coming back with the people that helped him escape- I’m looking forward to it.  So, yeah.  Not my favorite game, but I love the villains here, and I think they did a pretty stellar job.

4. SHA- Shorty Thurmond

Listen, I love SHA so much- it was one of the first games I played, the book version will forever hold a place on my bookshelf, and the backstory of Frances and Dirk is iconic in the Nancy Drew world.  So, since I had read the book, I knew that Shorty was the villain from the start of the game, but that didn’t stop me from liking him as a character.  He gossips to invite suspicion about other characters and is generally a hilarious character to talk to.  That makes the endgame so much more dramatic and urgent when he reveals himself as the culprit and actively comes for you.  Also, I will never forgive him for the ENDLESS chores or the “heeeeere’s shorty”.  It might be bias, but I gotta put Shorty high on the list just because I love SHA and his character is no exception.  Excellent planning, quality execution, and he almost got away with it (I mean, all of them almost do).  I kind of wish that it was more like the book tho, because he had a little group working for him and he could imitate animal calls that they used to pull off sabotage- still an excellent villain, but some more book stuff would have been cool too.

3. GTH- Clara Thornton

One of the many reasons I love GTH so much is that there’s no real clear villain.  Sure, you can blame Clara for Charlotte’s death, but after looking into all the rich and subtle history of the Thornton family, I don’t think I want to blame Clara.  And who’s to blame for Jessalyn’ disappearance?  Jessalyn?  But I digress on that point.  Let’s say Clara is the villain- she is a fully-dimensional, multi-faceted character that has as many demons as any other character in this game.  The ending of GTH is one of my favorites because you can choose what happens to the supposed “villain”- she can “disappear” and presumably die, making a full circle from Charlotte’s death, or she can be saved, breaking the vicious Thornton family cycle that took so many ancestors.  I could go on and on about GTH and what it means to me, but I won’t bore you all.  Let me just say: I don’t think there is a real villain in this game, I think the blame can be placed just a little bit on everyone, even Nancy if you’re not careful.  

2. SAW- Rentaro Aihara

First thing, SAW still has me shook to this day- I will not look in a mirror at night because of this game and everyone here knows why.  As if SAW weren’t creepy enough, replaying this gives me even more of the creeps because of Rentaro’s character.  Part of me wants to like him, because he’s socially awkward and gives Nancy puzzles because he knows she likes them, but let’s break this down: he is pushing for Miwako to close her family’s business so she can move with him to the city, which she doesn’t like that much, and after he upsets her to tears, he gives her gifts to make her like him again.  I’m no expert, but that is not what a healthy relationship should look like.  Also, he tries to kill Nancy (more than once if I’m not mistaken), and his only punishment is that Miwako dumps him? Blegh, he’s a creepy guy who tries to scare you away and earn your trust.  Try as I might, I cannot like this guy as a character- though he makes for a great villain.  Rentaro- abusive boyfriend, tries to kill people, doesn’t really get punished for anything- shit, was he actually sorry at the end or was he faking it????? We may never know.

1. CUR- Jane Penvellyn

CUR has a special place in my heart- it gave me legitimate nightmares as a kid and I was scared to finish it for a long time.  I love how there are miniscule clues scattered around the game pointing to Jane- the subplot about her deceased guinea pig proving her dishonesty (and I think the guinea pig might have died from Jane testing either the hair growth or the pills on it, but who knows), and Jane’s dialogue always trying to steer you away from an answer (she’s always like “I don’t want to talk about this” like okay let’s play skull and bones you macabre child).  This is one of my favorite storylines because it’s so well developed and thought-out, and making the child a culprit was such a good move in my opinion.  Jane’s got a bright future if she was clever enough to do all of that on her own.  However, I think Jane should have gotten a punishment more severe than a strict talk from her father- maybe some family therapy or losing her game privileges or something??  She could have really hurt Linda like jesus don’t give people random-ass pills.  Still, brilliant planning and performance on her part, and brilliant writing and execution on HeR’s part.

So there you have it, clue crew! Did I piss anyone off? Was I wrong? Will MID have an amazing villain that questions my tentative order of villains? Will MID ever come out? Let me know!

[britishassistant]

looking at the lads jobs in the supervillian yuu au (ayuu- sorry that was a bad joke) it really seems like only leona would come into contact with them what with him being a "sidekick" but im curious now- how did they all meet the supervisor/yuu?

Thank you for the ask, dear anon!

(Ayuu, ayyy~)

Well, the trouble began when the sign for Yuu’s lair got welded onto the wrong side of the building.

Sure it’s very visible if you’re doing a flyover with say, a drone or something, the other buildings in front of it serving to underline the clockwork The Supervisor ticking away, very insidious and menacing, ruins aerial shots of the skyline from that angle forever, so they get evil points for that.

But that means that for the average pedestrian walking along the street below, Yuu’s lair just resembles any other large, official looking building, if clearly old and a bit weathered in places. You’d need to go into the back alley around the rear to see the sign at all.

So of course, it’s entirely natural for Riddle, lost in this part of town and terrified of being late to the most important pharmaceutical convention of the year, to duck inside on the assumption that this is where it’s being held.

He actually makes it into a meeting room and halfway through his presentation before he realizes that a supervillain’s minions are just staring at him blankly rather than his colleagues.

Or for Floyd to misremember the place where Azul’s potential client asked to meet him so they can hand over sensitive info for the latest case he’s working on is.

The three of them look so villainous anyway that no one realizes they’re not supposed to be there until Azul makes the mistake of asking a higher-ranked minion passing by where the client is and if they cancelled.

Or for Vil’s driver to assume that this must be the address that the reccy crew mistyped for the rented location where they’ll be shooting the next few scenes of an upcoming miniseries.

Vil, to his credit, realizes as soon as he takes a few steps into the building that this isn’t the place he’s meant to be. Unfortunately, he is very recognizable to the minions who have just come through the door behind him, and though he puts up a fight, he’s captured.

Yuu’s tried taking the sign down, or getting together the funds to add some more to other sides of the building. Sadly, removing the welding without ruining the building will take more money than putting it up there will, and Crowley refuses to give them anymore funds to pay for extra signs. This will teach you to be more careful, hatchling!

It also doesn’t help that during a brief geocache craze in the city, some bright spark hid a cache in the alley behind Yuu’s lair but worded their clue ambiguously enough that it seemed like the cache was inside the building itself.

Ortho thought geocaching would be a good way to get his big brother outside and exercising, and to be fair, Idia did enjoy the first few searches, given they were in fairly isolated areas where no one could see or judge them.

But alarm bells were ringing in his head when they pushed through a few loose boards on the side of the building and found themselves facing an entire kitchen of minions who seemed as surprised to see the Shroud brothers as they were to see them.

Yuu moved the cache to somewhere else farther from their lair once they were told about it and tried sending a message to the website asking them to change the location for that particular one. Unfortunately, it took enough time that Kalim decided that this would be the next stop on his and Jamil’s geocaching quest together!

Jamil got bad vibes from this building the moment he laid eyes on it, but does that stop Kalim? Nooo, he just finds a hidden basement entrance, traipses down, and runs off somewhere, leaving Jamil to get lost, be found by minions, and need to run for his life!

Malleus didn’t get lost or go geocaching. He just wanted to come back to one of the many abandoned buildings he’s been wandering around in the city, only to find it not so abandoned after all.

[signipotens]

watching the star trek movies again. i refuse to rank them because i love them all, but here are some thoughts. i may have a bit of an attachment to one of the characters.

The Motion Picture: One of my favourites. The 2022 Director’s Cut makes all of the sweeping establishing shots even longer and the music is so good, it’s so indulgent i love it. Enamoured with McCoy asking if he can tag along when Kirk pulls Decker aside and then powerwalking into the turbolift without waiting for a response. Love that whenever anything vaguely sad happens the characters all immediately tear up.

Rating: Prosthetic beard and gold medallion / 10

The Wrath of Khan: I still hold my longstanding position that this one is actually kinda confusing and all over the place, especially if you have no clue who Khan is like I did when I saw it as a kid. The ending is really impactful tho and I still always cry. Classic “despite his protestations, Spock is by far the most impulsive member of the crew” moment. Love McCoy counselling Kirk at the beginning. Most of the shots of the the Enterprise in spacedock are reused from TMP, which I wouldn’t have noticed had I not watched them in quick succession.

Rating: What about my performance? / 10

The Search for Spock: Wish they centred katric ark McCoy more, but I live off of the “but it seems that I’ve missed you” scene. Judo master Sulu. Saavik doesn’t get enough respect. The whole heist scene and the ending on Mt Seleya is great, but some of the Genesis planet stuff is kinda eh. I feel bad for Maltz (who is apparently played by John Larroquette??) because he wants to die so badly but no one kills him. Love it when Vulcans are super religious.

Rating: The way McCoy smiles after Spock remembers Kirk’s name / 10

Voyage Home: Honestly wasn’t what I was looking for in this run thru, but it’s still very fun. Wish McCoy was in it more. I feel so bad for him at the beginning trying to have a rapport and Spock is just… not there for it. Love the president’s uniform. love all of their uniforms. My Mormon friends all love the LSD joke and I always think of them when I get to that part. Another classic “Spock is the most impulsive member of the crew” moment.

Rating: Well, nobody’s perfect / 10

The Final Frontier: This is the best Star Trek, actually. I’m surprised gay fans aren’t all over this one. Lots of people think it’s about God but it’s actually about finding your family from among those you can trust to give you the love and support you need to make it through your pain, and coming to terms with when you’re alone or when you weren’t there for others with their help. Love that the villain is genuinely a good guy. Love that instead of Sean Connery, they got the guy from that one gay movie from 1970. (he plays sybok better than connery ever could tho.) Pioneer 10 :'​( It’s kinda stupid, but it has the best character interactions in the entire series and it’s the only film to really put McCoy into the spotlight.

Rating: Melville :​) / 10

Undiscovered Country: Solid finale for the original cast. The signatures at the end and the “where no man—where no one—” always get me. So does McCoy devastated he can’t help the Chancellor. The Kirk fight on Rura Penthe is fun, but I think the comedy is one of the weaker aspects of this one. Shout out to my mother, who, upon seeing the opening scene, goes “oh is this the one with Christian Slater in it?” (he’s in it for less than a minute.) also shout out to “the ice cave monster,” i’ve been looking for you. Love Spock’s little lies.

Rating: Sweet Jesus / 10

[bridoesotherjunk]

I hope that spiderman reference was just an easter egg and not another cinematic universe. Like, the "Venom without Spiderman" premise actually works really well? And it would be a massive disservice to relegate him as second fiddle to spidey like they always did. like, what makes Venom vastly superior to the MCU films is that you can enjoy it on its own without having to have watched like, 30 other movies to even have a clue WTF is going on.

It does appear to be an actual crossover event.

I honestly have such mixed feelings.

I can understand exactly why people are happy. The last time we got a movie with Venom and Spiderman together was a disaster. Now we actually have a fleshed out version of Venom that has a personality and is actually likeable instead of Generic Spiderman Villain Number Four.

But the only reason we have that is thanks to the hard work of Tom Hardy and the rest of the Venom cast and crew.

So many people seem to think that once Marvel gets a hold of Venom it will suddenly be like this mythical event and it will be the greatest story they've ever seen. They seem to think that Marvel can "fix" the character and "tweak" the few issues that came from his development. (Oh woe is me, Venom doesn't have the Spider on his chest. ��😱)

But Marvel didn't have jack shit to do with the development of the character and, frankly, we've all seen their track record with villains and anti-heroes and characters that are supposed to toe the line between right and wrong. (All those youtube videos and polls that have Loki ranked as the most interesting antagonist in the MCU ring any bells? The rest of their "bad guys" all suck or are so one dimensional you couldn'tsee them if you looked at them from the side.)

So yeah, I do agree with you.

Shoving Venom in here to play second chair is an absolute disservice to all the work Tom Hardy and the crew put into this character.

Pretending like Marvel deserves any of the credit for making Venom so successful and likeable at all is a disservice to all their hard work.

And it is nice to watch a few movies without needing to know lore from 10 other only slightly related films about vaguely related characters.

But I can also understand why people are excited.

I personally am more fearful than anything. I dont want Disney/Marvel to ruin the best portrayal of the character I've ever seen. (No offense to Topher Grace. He tried. But he just had so little to work with in Spiderman 3.)

[inyuji]

Don’t know how much more ducks I wanna draw. For now, I wanted to get this out of the way. This is dubbed the “Stranger Things” AU, where Miyu Moreno met Drake as young teens, but under bad circumstances. Basically Drake and his classmate Elmo Sputterspark befriend Miyu and dub themselves the “Weirdo Club.” And they just enjoy an entire autumn doing fun shenanigans while trying to find leads to Miyu’s possible relatives. WARNING: LONG story description. Read at your own peril

Miyu’s adoptive mother, Lucia Moreno, did not survive the risky operation to cure her illness. This left Miyu an orphan, and unable to look after herself. What’s worse was being secretly watched by strange people who claimed “child services.” The spirits and yokai warned her of the shady government agents. Out of desperation and fear, Miyu snuck out of Japan to America when she was thirteen, hoping to find any relatives who could take her in. Unfortunately she was still being tracked by the shady agents, so she ran and hid as far as she could. She stayed hidden, barely surviving in a rumored “haunted house,” in the homely town of St. Canard.

Young teen Drake Mallard would brave his way into the haunted house to retrieve his classmate’s bag, which was maliciously disposed by some schoolyard bullies. That’s how he stumbles into a half-starved Miyu, and a bunch local ghosts and a few yokai. Drake barely understood Miyu’s plight, but decided to visit her and help. While trying to teach Miyu with English, Drake discovered some untranslated and translated manga at his local bookstore, and used these as a teaching aid for Miyu and himself. Drake has been introduced to Anime much earlier and now has even more things to nerd over. Our boi is dorkier than ever and I don’t regret a thing.

Over a month, his classmate noticed something was up with Drake. They are not friends, but they are friendly to each other. Drake decided to trust Elmo on his secret, and soon Elmo became part of the “weirdo” club. Miyu would mostly stay hidden, but she occasionally pops out in public when she’s dragged to movies or possible school events. They did share a very awesome Halloween. Drake and Elmo would research possible leads to Lucia Moreno’s relatives or any past work acquaintances. Miyu would try to dreg up clues or help from the local spirits also. At some point, Drake’s mother found out about Miyu when she came home early from shopping and caught Drake trying to smuggle in Miyu to his house. After getting an explanation, she decided to let Miyu stay, though she really wants to alert authorities about the “runaway child.” She does see how Miyu is deadly scared of any “bad men” finding out, since a few had posed as government workers.

The shady agents from Japan have tracked Miyu down, and it’s revealed that they are Onmyoji hunting down Miyu for her magic. Drake and Miyu hastily embark on a road trip to flee from the Onmyojis and seek out the past Darkwing actors. With Elmo occasionally guiding them via radio and Miyu’s helpful spirits, they are able to visit the main Darkwing villain actors and ask about Lucia. While they have good things to say about her brief time on the show, they do not know much about Lucia’s family or if she even had family here. During their biking trip, they befriend a stray Grim, who has kept stealthy vigil over Drake and Miyu. When they finally meet Jim Starling, they are given even more disappointing news. Jim was really shocked that Lucia had adopted a kid during her time recovering and feels guilty about Miyu being an orphan. Jim lies about not knowing Lucia much, not wanting to reveal that his dangerous stunts were the cause of Lucia being injured during set, resulting in her damaging her voice and falling ill. Rather than risk the show being cancelled, Jim had suggested to the writers and producers to drop Lucia from the show. Drake is a bit hesitant to believe that this acting hero is lying, when all the other actors remember Lucia. Miyu has practically given up when their final lead knows nothing.

The Darkwing actors had actually met up shortly at Jim’s signing to ask if he had met Drake and Miyu. They are concerned that two kids are trekking a long way, and hope to rectify their poor judgment of letting the kids go on their merry way. They are disappointed that Jim had practically lied to a bunch of kids, knowing that he too knew Lucia during the short time on set. At that moment, the 2 Onmyojis start interrogating the crew, claiming they are investigators looking for 2 runaway children. One of them however, is pissed and hates dealing with the “normies.” The actors deny knowing where the kids went, and Jim lies though his teeth that the kids probably hit the bus to the next town. When the Onmyojis leave, everyone is officially freaking out. All of the actors are calling the cops and contacting old colleagues who had worked on the Darkwing production. Jim is too freaked out to do anything and doesn’t want to get involved.

When the Onmyojis finally catch up to Miyu and Drake, Drake was almost killed. Witnessing this caused Miyu to awaken her Kitsune blood. Miyu’s real mother was a kitsune, which has given her a sixth sense for the supernatural and magic. Jim Starling had stumbled on this fight while on his way home, and attempted to help. He was easily subdued and injured in the process. After Miyu maliciously subdued all yokai shikigamis (onmyoji summons) and the 2 Onmyojis, the police and paramedics were able to come in time. Drake is diagnosed to be in coma, with low chances of waking up, and this breaks Miyu. Jim feels terrible that he was practically useless and that he was the reason that Lucia was ill and had to seek treatment, which ultimately killed her. Drake’s mother is wracked with grief, but she doesn’t blame Miyu, seeing how much Miyu blames herself. During the fight with the Onmyojis, they reveal that they had sabotaged the operation that would supposedly cure Lucia’s illness. They wanted Miyu easily vulnerable to induct her into their ranks as an Onmyoji in their organization. Miyu blames her existence and her magic for hurting people around her. Out of desperation, Miyu consulted whatever yokai friends for a solution, and prays for Inari, the Kami closely related to Kitsune and possibly the Kami her kitsune mother had served. Inari appears as a spectral apparition and warns Miyu that she will weaken in magic, even with Inari’s help. Miyu doesn’t care for magic anymore. Drake finds himself in a spectral limbo and told about the plight happening in the living realm. Drake doesn’t want Miyu to sacrifice her magic for him, and stubbornly makes his way towards a gateway back to the living, but with great difficulty.

Drake still has to stay hospitalized, but he only needs to heal from a broken arm, and surprisingly, his skull has recovered nicely. Miyu’s magic has been sapped near dry, so all proficiency she had gained is back to level 0. However, Miyu would still have to be processed into Foster Care. There is no guarantee that Miyu will find a stable place to keep in contact with Drake through long-distance letters. Jim had talked a bit with Miyu, asking about her life with Lucia. Wanting to appease his guilt and truly being sorry for Miyu, he manages to take in Miyu as his foster child. He wants to give Miyu a stable home so she can keep consistent correspondence with Drake and Elmo.

Miyu and Jim are able to visit St. Canard every month, especially during school vacation breaks. This gives the kiddies a chance to continue on their Dungeons & Dragons campaign. Jim has started to get the hang of being their Dungeon Master. Now that Jim is a foster father, slowly becoming an adoptive father, he bites down his pride and takes any small gigs to pay bills. But this has been good for him. He’s slowly gaining momentum as an actor, though nothing too noteworthy. Miyu is quite proud of Jim doing his best, and always makes it a routine to pack a bento for him. She finds every chance to personally bring it to him. Over time, Miyu has regained her proficiency in magic in her late teenage years. Jim has been getting good support and contact with his old DW crew, and some parenting advice from Mss. Mallard. Drake has been taking good care of the Grim, who is now lovingly named “Kage.” When Miyu is in her teenage years, Jim is actually nailing a lot more Duckflix gigs who have taken some note of Jim’s improving repertoire. It also helps that he’s become less of a jerk.

[treatian]

The Chronicles of the Dark One: Magical Loopholes

Chapter 39:  Villain Hunting

Dove was working for him again. Not happily, but he'd take what he could get. The man had appeared in his shop the morning after he left the message with a grimace on his face that said he'd rather be anywhere else in the world but a stance that suggested he was ready to work. That was convenient for him because he had a job for him. He'd kept Smee overnight, but now he'd overstayed his welcome. He had a plan for letting him go back out into Storybrooke, one that would ensure that if Hook was here and he knew where he was, then he'd find him. But that plan had hinged on the dove before him standing there. How lucky for him that his accomplice knew how to use his brain.

"It's good to have you back in my services, Mr. Dove."

"It's not like I have a choice, as you so kindly reminded me."

That was true. During the Curse this had been Dove's only job, and he, and his family, had profited greatly from it. He could have found another job now that the Curse was broken, but one that would pay as handsomely as he did and come with a rent-free lifestyle for himself and his parents? Doubtful. Very doubtful. So here he was, taking instructions once more. In five minutes, he informed his employee, a man in a red hat would come around the corner of his shop. Dove's job was to follow him for a couple of days. He wanted to know where he was going, who he was seen with, and he especially wanted to know if he was ever seen in the company of a man with a hook for a hand.

Dove agreed for his usual reimbursement and when the man stepped outside he saw him take a step, then fall into the air as a white dove soared away where the man had once been. He'd smirked. Dove wasn't pleased to be back with him, but he imagined that being able to do that again, to fly off in a different body and perch on a roof, certainly worked in his favor.

He released Smee a few moments later. The man was alert but obviously exhausted from a night in his basement. He smelled of sweat and piss and fear as he untied his bonds. "Now you listen to me," he growled menacingly as he worked. "I'm gonna let you go now, and you are going to go tell any of your old friends and crew mates that the girl you tried to take is off-limits. She's under protection of the Dark One. She's not to be touched, harmed, or even gawked at from across the street. Stay clear of her, stay clear of her library. Do we understand each other, Mr. Smee?"

The man had nodded vigorously and the second he motioned toward the open door he was up and out. He ran for his freedom like it might disappear if he wasn't fast enough, but he had no idea that he wasn't free. Not truly. Dove was watching. He was certain of this because twenty minutes after he'd freed him, he received a call from him.

"You want me to follow Barrie Kensington?"

Barrie Kensington…was that who he was here? The name didn't ring a bell, no property leases came to mind, no history. But Dove had said the name so easily…

"You know him?"

"Who doesn't?"

"How do you know him?" he questioned. "What does he do?"

"He gets things," Dove answered as if it was obvious and he should have known, like he was surprised he needed to tell him. "Guy's a mouse, but he's resourceful. Half the time you've wanted me to find you something, it's because I've gotten it from him."

William Smee, procurer of hard to find objects, was Barrie Kensington, also a procurer of hard to find objects. Sometimes he thought the Curse outdid itself.

"Have you ever seen him in the company of a man, tall, one hand?"

"Can't say I have, but he works with damn near everyone, and I've never followed him before."

"Your friend Scarlet, he's known for some of the same things, can you see if he has knowledge of him and a friend he might have with a hook?"

"No can do," he answered. "Scarlet has been missing since the Curse broke, no one has seen him and he's not answering his phone."

Shit. He'd never particularly cared for Scarlet. He had kept him on his payroll during the Mary Margaret situation and he knew that the boy was good for giving information to Dove when he needed him to. He hadn't a clue where he'd disappeared to and he didn't really care. But he did lament not having the information he needed.

"Where is Smee now?"

"Home," the Dove answered. "He went right to his apartment." No surprise there, after a night in his basement he'd probably need to shower, sleep, and eat before he went about his way. He could allow him that concession.

"Stay on him, Mr. Dove. If he meets a man with one hand call me immediately and if he goes anywhere near the library…don't let him get in the front door."

"Fine," he agreed in an unfriendly tone.

"Hm…no 'got it, boss'? Even for old times?"

There was nothing but silence on the other end. It only made him smirk.

"I see you've learned to fly again," he mentioned idly, as if he was trying to initiate chit chat, a habit he never engaged in without reason.

Dove promptly hung up the phone without answering. He chuckled as he put his phone back in his pocket and returned to his own work. He had to admit, he enjoyed people who knew their place in their relationship but refused to accept it, refused to be frightened or scared of him. Those who were weaker standing up to him left him amused and intrigued. Belle had been one of those people; Jefferson and Ruby were like that too. Now it seemed that Dove would be joining their ranks. He was rather looking forward to the entertainment that would bring. He needed entertainment, considering the dull hole not having Belle at home had left in his life.

He hadn't been back there, not to stay, not really. That first night he couldn't bring himself to go when she was in the library, alone and vulnerable. So, he'd stayed in the shop that night and over the course of the next few days he'd begun to make a habit it out of it. During the day he worked in the shop like he normally would, taking calls and text messages from Dove who reported that Smee seemed to be following instructions. The docks, the bowling alley, The Rabbit Hole Bar, Granny's, even the Middle School…Smee paid visits to all of them after he was released, it was the same story each place.

"I don't know what to tell you," Dove informed him on one call. "He goes in, he talks to someone, he leaves, he goes to the next place and does it all over again. So far, no one has had a hook for a hand."

Dove was confused; he saw it with clarity. Smee was simply doing what he'd asked him to do, going to his old crew mates and friends, delivering the warning he'd told them to. He was aware that doing that could potentially put Belle at risk, but he also knew that no one without a substantial amount of power would dare to attack a woman under his protection. With the protection spell he'd placed on the library, he'd know if anyone like that tried anything. Fortunately, few people came and went at the library, and he could feel that no one with power greater than Ruby dared to enter. Belle was safe, but that didn't stop him from spending every night in his pawnshop. Just in case.

It wasn't entirely bad. During the day he could do his usual work and during the nighttime, that was when his real work began. At night his work room transformed into his own little workshop, just like he had in the basement, only he found himself forcing himself to take a break from his spell for the town line. There were other things he needed to do.

Smee's attempt, futile as it had been, had scared him. There were so many, many dangers in this world, so many enemies, he never wanted to be caught off guard again. For the first night, he tried to find as many as he could. He didn't have a crystal ball, but he could pour water into a cauldron, add the proper ingredients, and ask it for images. The first he pulled up, his test image, was of Belle. She was in the library, sitting in a chair with a book in her lap, clearly asleep. She was safe. But only if he could keep her that way.

He tried searching for Hook next, but nothing came into the cauldron. He tried to summon an image of Zelena only to experience the same results…nothing. Smee had said that Hook wasn't here, that he wasn't in this world. That would make sense. The cauldron could only summon images of this world. To test that theory, he requested an image of August Booth. This time the cauldron gave him an image. There he was. A man made of wood, sleeping in a bed located in some kind of cramped and messy room. But where that messy room was…he couldn't tell. That was the problem with the cauldron, it could summon images, but it couldn't tell him the location of individuals, he would only know where they were if he recognized the place and unfortunately, he hadn't a clue where that room August was in was, and his magic kept taking him into the forest.

But there was another way, an old-fashioned method used for location…scrying. It was old and it involved maps. For that reason alone, it was complicated. The magic could work, but if it didn't have the right map, then it would be useless. And scrying could be done with crystals and head magic…but it was stronger with blood and heart magic. Still, he had to try. For Belle's sake.

He retrieved a map of Storybrooke, it was small, and not nearly as detailed as he wanted it to be, but he tried. With a crystal and by concentrating on August Booth he sat down and watched the crystal hover and sway and swing…and then circled a section of Storybrooke forest. The place he'd already checked. That was convincing but also devastating at the same time. Everything he'd seen, every sign, every piece of magic indicated that Booth was there! But when he'd gone, he couldn't find him. It was magic. No doubts, no assumptions, he was certain. He was using magic to hide. So, until he figured out a way around that…

He didn't stop searching at Booth. He continued his work, knowing that while Booth was important, he also needed to know the location of his enemies. Via scrying he found Smee sleeping in his apartment and Belle in the library and Regina in her home. There was nothing when he focused on Cora. That made sense. Regina wouldn't have wanted her here and claimed to have killed her in the Enchanted Forest. He still doubted that, but for now, he'd accept it, given she was no threat. Zelena and Hook also yielded no results, but now that he was thinking things through, he was curious about something else. Well…two someones was probably a more accurate description.

Cruella and Ursula. He'd watched as the Apprentice had opened a portal for Maleficent's child that they'd fallen through. He suspected it was to this world. He hauled out his globe and made an attempt but had no results when searching for the child. He expected that. There was no bond between them, nothing but a single image of a hand poking through an egg for him to recall and use. Scrying was already very weak magic; it needed a strong memory to work. Besides, he suspected the child was outside of Storybrooke, there was no telling what the magic would do with those outside. So, he tested it on someone he did have a better connection to first. He closed his eyes, focused on Ursula, the sea witch, the woman who had once taken Belle, and let the crystal roam over the globe. He spun it gently when he felt the need to, let it move over, up and down, until he felt a tug on the string of gold holding it. It had landed.

New York City.

He scrambled to the place he kept his maps and guidebooks, the places that he'd imagined going to search for Bae. One was for New York City. He opened the map, spread it wide on his table, and let the crystal do the work that it couldn't do on a globe. This time he felt the tug quickly. He looked down at the tourist map, and suddenly there wasn't a doubt in his mind the magic was working. It tracked the sea witch to an aquarium in New York City. Like always did call out to like. The former sea dweller would have gone somewhere she felt comfortable, working side by side with her fishy friends made sense. But then…where was her other friend.

He couldn't locate Cruella in the city, a surprise since he could easily see her fitting in there running a gallery or jewelry store. But no, he used the globe again and instead found her in upstate New York, of all places. Unfortunately, he couldn't pinpoint her. He didn't have any large maps of upstate New York to point him in any specific direction. However, he was satisfied that they both lived far enough away from Belle that he didn't care.

But doing all this…it did give him another idea.

He took a deep breath, moved the globe closer to him, closed his eyes and focused one more time…on Baelfire. For a brief moment, when he felt the crystal pull, he dared to hope, dared to dream that he didn't need August or Emma, that he might find his boy here and now all on his own. But then he opened his eyes. The crystal hadn't settled. It was hovering, swinging in a circle just as it had with Booth out in the woods only this time it circled parts of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and even a little bit of Massachusetts and Pennsylvania.

He took a deep breath and clenched the crystal in his hand until it hurt. He hunched himself over his table and swallowed hard, anything to keep himself from overturning the table in anger. He held on to what was good. He had been right. Baelfire was close. Somewhere in the Northeast, south of here. It was still half a dozen cities to explore, but now he'd learned roughly where he was. It was better than searching the entire United States. And he'd learned something else too. The crystal had circled for Bae just as it had with Booth. It had circled out there for Bae when it hadn't for Cruella or Ursula. Not just one other thing. Two other things.

First, if it had the same reaction as it had for August and he'd concluded that it was because August had magical protection then logically, he had to make the same conclusion for Bae. He, too, was using magical protection.

Second, if he was using magical protection out there, then that meant August had been right. There was magic of some sort, beyond Storybrooke, unstudied magic…

The implications of that were terrifying.

It meant there was a possibility that he was going to need more than just one spell to get him over the barrier.

[badkatdesignsmastersblog]

Character Writing and  Motivations in Terry Pratchett’s “The Truth”

Much like Gosho Aoyama’s Detective Conan, Terry Pratchett’s The Truth has been a personality-defining text for me since I read it in my junior year of high school. I could definitely relate to William deWorde, mouthy intellectual second-born of a high ranking noble family with a real hatred for his own overpriveleged upbringing and genuine desire to do right by others in any way he can, even if it sometimes means using his worse traits to get things done. 

And even outside of my (admittedly very personal) connection to this text I think it’s genuinely one of the funniest and most incisively insightful looks at news media out there, but the real meat of why this story works so well is the character writing. Spoilers for the story below the cut.

So this book is a razor sharp skewering of the news journalism industry, and is still as relevant today as it was in the late 90′s when it was written. But the plot itself revolves around the Patrician essentially being framed for a crime he didn’t commit by a shady group of wealthy nobles behind the scenes that don’t like how he’s running the country. In the text, this is framed as a murder in and of itself, of the Patrician’s reputation, and it’s such an interesting and good look at how being framed for a murder would actually impact the political infrastructure and systems surrounding the policies and day to day running of Ankh-Morpork. 

This in turn leads to the newly-appointed editors of the Ankh-Morpork Times having to basically exonerate the head of state following a series of clues that require a lot of fairly backwards-working logic and investigative instincts. At one point a talking dog interprets for the key witness to the crime. 

But this is all just set dressing for the real MVP of this book: the character motivations. Yes, the murder of Vetinari’s reputation is fascinating, but this book does a spectacular job at fleshing out characters that we only ever see tangentially outside of this text, and the roles they play in this world, and their motivations and inner machinations. The main three groups whose points of view are most clearly illustrated throughout the text are below.

THE TIMES EDITORIAL STAFF William is a well-meaning young man born into wealth with a chip on his shoulder who willingly chose poverty. His upbringing has made him functionally unable to tell lies thanks to (presumably) abuse, and he spends his days informing nobles around the planet of interesting things happening in his country. His motivations change from “making an honest living” to “helping exonerate the head of state” because he falls into it but just can’t seem to leave well enough alone. His associates Sacharissa Cripslock, Gunilla Goodmountain and Otto von Chriek are likewise just trying to make their way through invention or artisan services or photography before they end up similarly embroiled and also in a battle for journalistic integrity with a tabloid rival that pops up over the course of the story.

THE VILLAINS The villains are no less rich in their writing. Turnip and Pin have several sections of the book written from their perspective, and they’re also very well-written in persona and motivation (”f--kin scrag people, get money”), but the characters are so genuinely enjoyable that even the slightly jokier writing of these characters works in their favor as lovably stupid but nonetheless threatening puppet villains. And then there’s Lord deWorde - never a more unpleasant character has been written and put to the page. He’s ruthless, manipulative and conniving, and wants his way - to the point where he and his lackeys will hire two henchmen to get the main politician out of the way so he can crush the state sanctioned unions (the Ankh Morpork guild system can be read that way but let’s not get distracted). He twists and manipulates language, poise and bearing to achieve his ends, and it’s never presented as a good thing that William has these traits. 

GASPODE AND THE CANTING CREW And below the heroes and villains there’s the Beggars’ Guild and their talking dog friend, who does most of the thinking. Gaspode himself is always looking out for the Guild who keep him safe and (for lack of a better word) fed, and it is on his suggestion that they get involved by selling newspapers. The different members of the Canting Crew as well are more than just pitiable caricatures or just meant to illicit disgust - they all have their own distinct personalities and are never denigrated or treated poorly by the text to prove a point. They all have really strong relationships with one another, and very well written dialogue amongst themselves. 

And this doesn’t even mention the literal dozens of minor characters with their own rich internal lives and motivations. More likely than not this will impact and inform the story I choose to tell, the characters I emphasize and how I write them.  

[fragenherrdoktor]

WE HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT JAN.

Got two asks about The Valentine Bros, figured why not do them together. Although they show up in all three Hellsing versions, we honestly don't know much about them at all (like everyone else, lol). So again, this is mostly speculation. 

In all renditions, Jan refers to the Konami code. This makes me believe that Jan (and Luke) has done his fair share of killing before being turned and views their new powers as a hack or the ultimate cheat code. That and Jan's probably spent some time crushing old school game titles on the SNES.

I don't think they are related, but brothers in arms. 

Their nationality is never revealed, but considering they never use British slang like some members of Hellsing Org or have German accents like the other Millennium members (minus Alhambra), we can assume they aren't English or German. I've always imagined they are American and get an intense Miami, Florida vibe from them. Luke feels like he has the whole Miami Vice look going on. Jan reminds me of early rappers like Crew 2 Live, but then he also has some Gopnik flavor with the tracksuit (and there’s a big Russian community in Florida), so idk, maybe that's just me seeing what I want to see. 

I feel like they got their start dealing guns and drugs, mostly coke because that was super big in the 1980s. They met in Florida (Miami/the Keys) and bonded (Luke as the suave frontman and Jan as the insane backup) eventually moved south of the border into Central America and beyond when things got too hot in the States. The brothers probably ran with some cartels before being found by Alhambra. Live fast die young is written all over them (and is true even after they're turned lol). 

I feel like the brothers were some of the last of the bootleg vampires made, probably sometime in the late 80s. I imagine Alhambra was their first point of contact and introduced them to Millennium, and they brought the bros on as souped-up guns for hire. ie. We give you immortality and a squad of ghouls if you go in and try to destroy The Hellsing Organization, deal? 

Luke has a higher rank; he's a warrant officer like Schrodinger. I feel like Luke was granted a more elevated status because he's a suave yes man and a "class A vampire" (which sounds more like a meat joke given how he becomes dog food), and titles seem to mean more to him, given his speech to Alucard. Jan appears to care faaaar less about rules, titles, and just wants an opportunity to cause bloodshed. I also feel Luke's rank is a nasty joke by the Major? Warrant officers are capable troops, but in Millennium, they seem to function mostly as messengers, given how Schrödinger is used. The brother's goal is to destroy Hellsing in their initial attack, but they end up being Millennium's first messengers in a sense when they fail and start to clue Hellsing Org in on the masterminds who orchestrated the attack. 

Jan asks if the ghouls can be trusted before their attack. This makes me think that the brothers don't know the full extent of their powers or Millennium's abilities that well (more recently made) and that Jan doesn't trust their handlers completely. Luke has no such concerns; he's 100% after the glory of facing and killing Alu.

Both the brothers seem briefed on what Alucard is and about Hellsing Org, given how Luke insults Alu enough to get him to yell "Silence" by calling him Hellsing's pet. Jan also comes to grips with the fact that their attack ends up being a suicide mission/testing Hellsing’s defenses pretty quickly, and is one of the most together villains when dying. He just casually flips them the bird while bursting into flame. I don't think Major expected them to succeed (if they did, great; if not, time to move on to the next plan). That and the fact that the brothers were so pumped up (like Luke thought he was on pair with Alucard when he is sooooo not) is another example of Major keeping all his troops on a need-to-know basis. 

[revealheart]

It goes better than he originally anticipated, truthfully. After meeting up with Akechi and donning his guise do they venture together into the other world known as Mementos. It's much different than Tokyo. Shadows skulk around every turn threatening to jump out at any moment. The sky is painted and eery red whilst the atmosphere is deathly quiet with only the sounds of their own voices able to keep them focused on the task at hand. While Akira had always considered himself resourceful and capable of protecting himself, the shadows here prove to be difficult to handle on his own and so he's thankful that he didn't come alone.

Though the stakes have definitely raised along with the danger, he's thankful that their targets don't exactly make themselves hard to find. They had been walking in plain sight, really. Muttering about their supposed crimes and some even went on about their fears of being exposed for helping criminals get away with their evil deeds. One by one, Akira and Akechi take care to give as many as they're able a good thrashing. With their solemn promises of confessing after being forced to do Akira and Akechi decide that after a while, this is all that they're capable of. While surely there are more out there in need of a change of heart, that would be a task for another day.

For now, though, they had completed their tasks of starting to root out the corruption within the police force's ranks. Soon, the city would see that though their calling card was worthy of suspicion, that their intentions were on the side of good rather than evil.

---

Most of the day goes by with no news. People wait for any signs of an answer to all what the phantom thieves had claimed that they would be doing. The minutes tick by which then turn into hours and nothing, absolutely nothing. People go on as they usually do, checking their phones for any update whilst some watched the local news in hopes of something, anything to be said to no avail. That is, until, around the late afternoon. A local news anchor stands outside the doors of Golden Ward's police station, microphone in hand as the cameraman focuses on the station behind her.

"Yes, there is still no word about the phantom thieves--" The microphone is snatched from her hands abruptly which gives her a startled start. The culprit, an officer with a crazed look in his eyes as he speaks shakily into the mic, "It's true, it's all true! I did cover up some shady dealings with the local gangs...yes they paid me off but it was worth the money! You would do it too if the chance were offered to you!" The reporter, who is clearly in shock at the confession, tires to gather herself and recover from the ambush. She manages to wrestle the microphone back from his hands, only for it be taken by yet another officer that had come barreling out of the station toward the crew, likely to confess his crimes as well.

"That's right, I did help cover up a few murders...how would it look if the truth came out that the one who had committed it was also in our force!?" As the reporter once again reaches for the microphone, a call is received from her earpiece.

"Breaking news, citizens...apparently what you see here isn't just isolated. Apparently there are police officers all around the wards confessing to their crimes as well and turning themselves in. Apparently, even some are going as far as to lock themselves up in cells in repentance for their crimes!" And it was true, all around the wards various officers at different stations had suddenly begun to confess to the many crimes they had committed all while in the line of duty. Some remorseful, others simply stating their crimes to clear their conscience. Many took off their badges in shame, others abandoned their posts and went into hiding.

There were also some, however, that lashed out at seeing their fellow officers confess their crimes so readily. One such man, who happened to be one of the police chiefs, manages to take hold of the microphone once more, speaking angrily into the camera to the audience. "It's those damn phantom thieves making a fool of us all! They're vigilantes and should be persecuted by the law just like any other criminal. It's not their job to weed out the corruption in our ranks. Things like that should be left to professionals. From here on, they should be treated just like any other criminals, not celebrated!" Only after he's done making his declaration does he reluctantly hand the microphone back to the reporter and allow her to speak once more.

"...You heard it here first, folks. The phantom thieves have done what they said they would. Looks like there are definitely bigger things going on in some parts of the police department. Will we stand by and let the corrupt authorities do what they want or will we take matters in our own hands? The decision lies with us, I believe. Thank you for tuning in."

---

Bzzt.

The sounds of multiple phones going off around the city. A mass text had been sent to any and all that were capable of getting them. Though any attempts at replying to the text are met with error messages. Likely a result of it being sent from a disposable burner cell phone.

**UNABLE TO RETRIEVE NUMBER** RECIPIENT: ALL CONTACTS SENDER: JOKER

Now that you've seen what we're capable of, I hope that quells much of the suspicions and opinions I heard going around when our initial calling card was made public. Citizens of Spirale, this was not done with the intention of shaking your faith in the law enforcement but merely to open your eyes to the corruption that runs so thoroughly in its ranks. Can you truly place your trust in these so-called defenders of the peace when some of them are willing to corroborate with the very villains who seek to hurt us? I think not.

To all who do harm in this city. To those who skulk in the back alley shadows of society thinking you can do what you please, here's a message for you: Your days are numbered, so start counting them down. The police force may have been our first target but we are not so naive as to think that they are the only ones with secrets.

We will not allow those with corrupt hearts in any part of this city go unpunished. You can't hide from us forever, we'll reveal who you truly are.

*** And that’s what we call cut and scene, folks! Basically, it’s just been televised (and streamed for you fancy people) that some of the police officers (and even their higher-ups) have been participating in shady dealings. As always, it’s up to you whether or not you believe in what the phantom thieves have exposed but this won’t be the last you’ll see of them though there will definitely be no more super public calling cards for a long while. Akira has made his point, it’s up to the city whether or not they want to listen. As it stands there is, of course, no possible way of finding out who went out and made these people confess to their wrong-doings, the only clue anyone has outside of the cast should be the name penned at the end of the text ‘Joker’.

[merlin-wolfgang-trades-hale]

@dannosteve223 as much as I freaking adore...freaking LOVE Danny’s family, this headcanon/AU relies on him having been adopted...in his teen years. 

Debating if I wanna make Danny and Parker twins...thoughts? 

But anyway, Danny and Parker grew up in the system together, and were trained in the craft of thievery by Archie together. They’re both some of the best! But after getting caught and sent to different juvie’s, they’re separated and Danny does better in foster care and ends up being adopted by his foster family, the Williams. 

His ability to think and predict every move a bad guy makes helps Danny rise in rank. 

Years later, when Archie’s in trouble and Parker has to deal with the Steranko, Parker seeks out Danny and naturally, he helps.  That’s when Parker and Danny really reunite and the team learns a bit about Parker. They’re a bit...wowed at how....normal, Danny turned out. 

The team loves him though. He’s strong, clever, cunning, knows how to fight, steal, cook, and grift. They naturally invite him to join the team but he tells them he has one already but it’s nice meeting his sister’s family. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Parker and Danny sit on the rooftop watching the skyline as they drink some hot chocolate to try and stay warm. 

Danny breaks the silence as he looks over, “I’m sorry...”

Parker raises her eyebrows and stops mid-sip, “For what?” 

“I should have looked for you more after I was taken in...”

She shrugged, “You couldn’t have known if they wanted both of us.”

“Still... I failed you.” 

She reached over and grabbed his hand. “I was never normal. And I never will be. I missed you.” And it was so human, Danny nearly burst into tears with pride. “I was on the path I need to be...and so were you. And here we are. Reunited, each with the families we found. We’re kinda like Stitch. Heh, except you actually ended up in Hawaii.” 

Danny chuckled, “Yeah...guess so. I’d like you to meet them one day.”

Parker scoffed, “How the hell are you gonna introduce me to your law-abiding team?”

“My team fights bad guys...and we’re only on the bare technical side of lawful,” Danny replied with a devilish smirk. Then it turned into a sincere smile, “But I do want you to meet them...whenever you want. Even the kids. They’d love to meet their auntie Parker.”

Parker’s eyes glistened and she smiled so wide, her cheeks hurt. “I’ll plan something out and let you know.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

Unfortunately, Parker’s introduction to 5-0 wasn’t the best. One of Archie’s old nemesis was out for blood and vengeance. The villain knew about the Leverage crew and what they were capable of but didn’t know about the lengths 5-0 would go to. Still, Danny was forced to do crime...impressive but still very illegal things if he wanted to keep Archie alive. Through some crafty work, he managed to get a message to Hardison and a code that only Parker knew what it meant. There was a series of clues before Parker got a full view of Danny’s situation and plan.

So Steve got a crash course into the secret beginning of Danny’s life that he had no idea since anything before Danny was 18 was expunged. 

It was hard to catch Danny though. He was a very elusive and experienced thief. They had to bring in Gerard for help(cos I freaking love Mozzie x3) and set up a sting, and work alongside the Leverage crew to ‘stop’ Danny, save Archie, and stop the real bad guy behind this. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I was done but apparently I need some pseudo father/son moments between Archie, the greatest thief int he world, and the son he trained to be his successor, who turned out to be a cop. 

“Though cuffs too tight?” Danny asked as he approached the older man. 

Archie smirked, lifting them up to see they were already undone. “Child’s play.” “I assume you’ll get away first chance?” 

“As one does...”

“Surprised you haven’t already. Parker and her team left as soon as they could...too many cops and all.”

“Stalling needs to serve a purpose Daniel...and I don’t think you’re trying very hard to keep me locked up.”

“You’d escape.”

“So what’s really on your mind, son?” 

Son. Pain panged in his chest with shame, and his face showed it. It was so hard to stand in front of Archie right now, despite being so damn proud to be the best man he could be. But the way he and Parker grew up, they just wanted to please him. To make him proud of them! To be worthy of being...family. 

“I wanted to say sorry...” He said as he fought the urge to cry, but felt torn inside, and the confusion was clear. 

“I’m going to be frank with you, Daniel...when I first learn what you’ve become, I was...angry. I felt betrayed. I felt like a failure. But I always kept tabs on you...I checked in when I could. And I stopped being mad.”

“You...you did?”

“You gained a family. You found your place and you made something of yourself. I taught you how to be selfish, so you would always escape from any situation...but you solemnly find love like that. Even I sought a family eventually...but I didn’t bring you and Parker with me...but here you are. With a team, a family, using what I taught you to fight evildoers, and help people...it’s a different life than what I trained you for...but it’s a hell of a life.”

Danny smiled at the older man, “Yeah...I guess it is.”

“Now, I must be off. If you are ever curious to brush up on some old skills, I know of a nice museum where we can get that nice SEAL of yours quite the engagement ring.” Archie said with a smirk. 

Danny blushed, “Go before I personally walk you to lock up.”

[wolfgabe]

The Gauntlet my own mini reviews and thoughts

Mac n Me

The Gauntlet started off with quite the bang with this relatively infamous ET Knock Off. I had actually heard of Mac n Me prior but this is the first time I actually experienced it myself and it was quite the cheesefest if I say so myself. I love how at times Mac seems to fluxuate back and forth between a Looney Tunes character and a bootleg ET. The scene with the gun fight at the store might be one of the most WTF moments I have ever seen in a film period. Add in some of the most blatant and shameless examples of product placement and in film advertising and you got an alien turkey that just begs to be given the MST3K treatment. I almost lost it when the kid just plummeted off the cliff, no wonder that scene has become the source of many a Conen O Brian jokes.

Atlantic Rim

As of now the most recent film MST3K has ever done. This little gem comes courtesy of The Asylum which from what I have heard is notorious for making knockoffs of well known blockbuster films and Atlantic Rim is no exception. If its not the laughably awful CGI and generally unlikeable protagonist, its the absurdly hammy villain who feels like Big Boss from MGS fused with the General from The Angry Video Game Nerd movie. Just curious but did anyone get the urge to crack a Gurren Lagann joke at some point or another cause I sure did. Also Graham Greene is in this movie the same actor who played Kicking Bird from Dances with Wolves and was even in one of the most remembered shows from my youth The Red Green show, let that sink in for a moment.

Lords of The Deep

Next up we have what can be best described as a poor man's Abyss that also tries really hard to be like Star Trek and ends up falling flat on it's face. At some points you can tell its even trying to pull an Alien but it just fails miserably. I also couldn't help but notice they seemed fond of reusing the same footage over and over. Whenever the girl has visions from the goo I don't know if I was watching the opening to Dr Who or some early beta footage from James Camerons Avatar. The villain also has some similar issues to the villain from Atlantic Rim in that he tries to come off as domineering and threatening but I think ends up overdoing it a bit. Also Magic Stingrays for the win!!

The Day Time Ended

Have you ever watched one of those movies where it seems like the film makers had absolutely no clue what they were doing? The Day Time Ended is a perfect example of such a film and one of those movies that only feels watchable on MST3K. The plot just seems to bounce all over the place from one element to the next with nothing really being explained or elaborated upon. A giant kryptonite pyramid that can somehow become small enough to fit in your pocket, a cute little dancing green alien, killer cambots, and lets not forget a couple of aliens that look like they were dredged out of the dumpster from Ray Harryhausen's place. In all of this mess its only until the end that time travel is actually mentioned and even that plot point just seems to come out of nowhere with very little explanation or context. This would probably be what I consider one of the standout films of The Gauntlet.

Killer Fish

At the beginning its seems like Killer Fish can't seem to make up its mind on what exactly its supposed to be. There is a bunch of terrorists blowing up a power plant I think, a couple of guys sitting round a casino, and maybe some hokey romance plot. thrown in for good measure. Its around the half way point where I feel the film figures out its identity which is basically an imitation of Piranha mixed with a good old fashioned jewel heist story. Still that does little to save the film as the titular Killer Fish don't show up until around half way and most of the characters deaths consist of them flailing around drunk while we get some pretty shoddy camera work of their skin being eaten off. Maybe its just me but I had a feeling the fat guy was gonna die.

Ator The Fighting Eagle.

Finishing off The Gauntlet is a prequel to MST3K classic Cave Dwellers and its practically just as cheesy as ever. I can't help but notice mockbusters and knock off films have been a pretty recurring trend this season with Ator in fact being a knock off of Conan the Barbarian. I must say though I found the films description somewhat misleading as there aren't really any demonic spider gods in the film at all. Instead what we get is King Leonidas twin brother who apparently enjoys cuddling with tarantulas. There is one giant spider fight right at the end but its dragged down by the fact that the spider is barely shown on camera at all. I find it kinda hilarious how they just seemed to gloss right over the warrior woman's death at the end. Nothing though comes close to Cave Dweller's WTF moment with the hang glider. All in all an excellent way to finish off season 12

The Gauntlet ranked

1.Mac n Me

2. The Day Time Ended

3. Atlantic Rim

4. Ator The Fighting Eagle

5. Lords of The Deep

6. Killer Fish

Other thoughts

I like how M Waverly and Growler have become accepted as part of the crew. They really help add a new element to the riffs and host segments. You can tell much of the new cast by now are really starting to find their groove with how much of a step up from season 11 the jokes are. I also love how Jonah actually managed to turn the tables on the Mads. The new musical numbers were excellent as well with Concepts and Below the Dam being some of my new favorites.

Personally I would rate this season around 9/10. Its shorter than season 11 but it definitely makes up for it with quality

[heytheresassydetective]

quick reminder to the Clue Crew that if you have a favorite villain let me know and why! I’m close to finishing my villain ranking!!