#classic American satire

[eat-my-cake-records]

Cosmic Chaos and Revenge: Jade Ann Byrne’s 50 Ft. eGirl Dominates Halloween in a Retro Sci-Fi Parody

The 50 Ft. eGirl Takes on Halloween: A Classic American Satire by Jade Ann Byrne It’s finally here! This Halloween, we at Eat My Cake Records are thrilled to present the long-anticipated Attack of the 50 Ft. eGirl, a remake that honors and twists the iconic 1958 cult classic Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman. Staying true to the original’s succinct runtime of 66 minutes, this modern version—directed,…

[screamingeyepress]

Should I Watch Thanksgiving?

A Black Friday sale gone wrong triggers a psychopath to embark on a murderous rampage targeting everyone involved in this latest Grindhouse spinoff.

Buttonface says…

Probably. If you’re into Scream-quality whodunits with a bit more comedy, and you don’t mind that coming with a subpar plot, some witty dialogue, and creative gore, then you should definitely watch it.

Read On https://www.screamingeyepress.com/review/thanksgiving-2023/

[recursive360]

🫡

[blogmollylane]

Newly acquired: American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis

Currently reading: Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Other Tales by Robert Louis Stevenson

[myberndpulch]

✌A Week in Review by Mark Twain

“Mark Twain in his creative element: A timeless reflection of the author’s legacy, surrounded by symbols of his iconic works.” Support Independent Reviews and Insights at BerndPulch.org! Mark Twain once said, “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” At BerndPulch.org, we’ve started something extraordinary—offering thought-provoking reviews, in-depth articles, and unique perspectives…

[bkenber]

'Blazing Saddles' Movie and 4K Review

The following review was written by Ultimate Rabbit correspondent, Tony Farinella. When it comes to comedy, it’s all a matter of opinion. Comedy, even more than film criticism, is subjective.  For example, I’m not an Adam Sandler fan and I find his films terribly unfunny, but there is a reason why his films keep getting released by studios. There is really no right or wrong when it comes to…

[missbehavior0u0]

WHAT IS PIN-UP STUCK?

A humorously raunchy zine inspired by and intended to satirize classic American pin-up calendars, open to all artists in the Homestuck community!

DETAILS:

People of all ages are welcome to apply!

Despite the theme, no sexually explicit content will be allowed, since I am not legally permitted to publish that.

24 artists (maximum) will be selected. Each artist will be responsible for one month, and one character. Two calendar sets will be made in total, one with all trolls and the other with kids + cherubs + bonus characters.

Neither of the calendars will be printed physically. ( I don’t have the resources for that ; u ; )

The zine will be sold on itch.io, either pay-what-you-want or with a set price, and all of the proceeds will be donated to the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund.

The deadline for applications is November 15th.

The overall deadline for the project is December 23rd. While the type of piece involved isn’t especially intensive, if you have a busy couple months ahead, it might not be a good idea to apply.

Good luck, and happy applying! ^u^

[swampjawn]

Soooo…. what ever happened to the puppets from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? And why was Santa such a grumpy bastard?

Well, the answer to that first question ended up being a much more complicated story than it first appeared, even complete with a twist ending. And while researching it, I stumbled across the tale of a forgotten Japanese animation pioneer who revolutionized animation industries in Japan AND China, made a whole bunch of propaganda during WWII and the Chinese Civil War, and then created the Rankin/Bass "Animagic" animation style and animated all those classically American classic stop-motion Christmas classics that we know and love. Tadahito "Tad" Mochinaga (持永 只仁).

That's right, Rankin/Bass was an anime studio!

Born in 1919, Mochinaga was inspired by early Walt Disney shorts to become an animator. Much like Disney, he built Japan's first ever multi-plane camera rig,

Ari-chan (アリチャン, 1941)

before being contracted to make war propaganda.

Ironically at the same time he was working under Mitsuyo Seo (瀬尾 光世) on Momotarou's Sea Eagles (1943)—a delightful picture about a bunch of cute little animals triumphantly bombing the shit out of those fat, stupid Americans at Pearl Harbor—his biggest inspiration was working on his own exciting propaganda cartoons from the exact opposite side of the same conflict.

But it was during his time working under the Chinese Communist Party that he inadvertently popularized stop-motion puppet animation in east Asia.

Tasked with making a puppet film that satirized the Nationalist Party's leader, but also dealing with an extreme shortage of film in the country, Mochinaga realized that if he stiffened the joints of the puppets, posed them manually and shot them frame-by-frame instead, he could use only the exact number of frames necessary.

He would continue to refine that stop-motion style after returning to Japan,

and eventually catch the eye of an American producer, Arthur Rankin Jr, who had just started a studio with his friend Jules Bass.

The story continues in much greater detail in this video, which completely obliterated my other plans for the month, and which I promise, does actually answer the question at the start of this post. I really didn't expect this project to balloon into an epic that spans an entire century, but in order to understand the ending, you have to start at the beginning!

Seriously though, I think this is the best video I've made yet and you KNOW I spent an absurd amount of time learning 3D modeling/rigging/texturing/animation to make what amounts to just some stylistic icing on the cake, but it's a bit different from what I usually make and youtube can punish you for that so if you do find the video interesting and feel like sharing it with someone you think would also be interested, I will personally show up at your house with an old satchel bursting with deliciously ripe oranges and squeeze all that sweet, sloppy nectar by hand, one-by-one directly into your expectant, gaping maw.

[michaelwheelerdefiodental]

Stranger Things on Capitalism and Communism:

So, i've seen some discussions about Stranger Things message about politics during the years, that started in season 3. To start, i need to make it clear that the series has a really strong anti-communism message, but i don't really think they're really giving a pro-capitalism propaganda, i mean, they're kinda doing it, but as y'all know, American Democrats know how to make it enjoyable for both sides.

How the American Military and Government is depicted:

They're pretty much show as "for the greater good" trope, they'll do horrible things with a supposed "good intention", but at the end it shows that they are just power hungry, but those characters have more depth, this make them more "likeable", like Brenner, Sullivan and Owens (YES, HE AIN'T FOOLING ME WITH HIS EMPATHETIC PERSONA).

How the Soviet Union is depicted:

So now it starts to get more complicated; in season 3, all of them are 99% stereotypes, while in season 4, i think they can be described as 50/50. Anyway, most of them are shown as sadistic, power-hungry people who don't care about anything else, so this makes them less likeable, besides Yuri and Dmitri (Enzo).

Season 3 Communism Satire:

I don't think there's much to say here; they're just power-hungry maniacs that at the same time can be smart (building a fucking military base on an American shopping underground, even though they were helped by Larry), and then be extremely stupid and ignorant. At the end, they don't even explain what the ideology behind them is, so they are just generic villains.

Season 3 Capitalism Satire and Alegories:

America without Erica

I will start with a scene where many people seem to not see the purposeful irony. Erica, as a black kid, saying that capitalism is great is clearly a joke. She says that on capitalism she will do a job and get paid as she deserves, but she ends up entering on an enemy military base and almost died all because of A ICE CREAM, that at the end she didn't even receive it and didn't either receive the recognition for saving the city either. It can be compared to Black soldiers that fought in wars for the USA and then got discarded.

Rats on The Mall

Now talking about the Starcourt Mall. It's an alegory about consumerism in a capitalist society; the kids would go there thinking it would be more fun because of the things you can pursue, but at the end it was their company that made it really enjoyable. Mike buying something for Eleven was a great way to show it; he could make peace with her by simply talking to her like he did with Will (this has something to do with Mike's character and byler, but this ain't the point of this essay, lol).

The Blonde Pig

There's Larry and the small business closing to discuss too; i see the meaning as the greedy capitalist going against the people and letting the enemy get a hold of their nation.

The Nationalist Lovers

Murray and Alexei are the classic nationalist enemies that understand that they can live together blah blah blah... it's easy to understand. But the scene where Murray explains the July 4th games is kinda confusing, he makes a critic about the way of America using people happy hour to make the rich even more rich, and the poor even more poor, and says that all these are rigged, you can't win them, then Alexei wins one of the games and then Grigori (Soviet super-soldier) kills him. That scene is kinda weird to me, was the meaning that at the end capitalism is the right way and then the "commie pig" had to kill the traitor, or it was to show that at the end you really can't win, because this system will make you go down on a way or another??? It's up to you that is reading to decide.

Brand New Flavor

Lucas and Mike Coke's ad is another scene that is weird; it's obviously a way of the show making propaganda for one of their sponsors, but there's a criticism about the product evolving but at the end being the same shit.

The Consumers

Now this that i will say can be seen as a stretch, but the Mindflayer consuming people could be seeing as this system consuming everybody's souls, until they turn into a literal zombie only following orders. And when they have no use anymore they're just consumed entirely and turn out to be just one of the victims of the system. It shows that even the most reactive and violent people can't outdo this force, as we can see with Billy and Nancy's bosses.

Henry and his (not so) New World:

As we know, Henry was tired of the way the world functioned and wanted to create a new one. There was a bigger force (time) that stopped everybody from fulfilling their potential. What he doesn't understand is that his world will end up being the same; the powerful will control it just as our world, and honestly, this is what Henry want to happen, but what he doesn't understand is that he isn't the most powerful being there, it's the Mindflayer, and he will use Henry until he isn't valuable like the rest. At the end, Henry is just another victim of the same system.

So basically:

"I AM THE CAPITALISM, HENRY!!!"

The Mindflayer said laughing.

Me at the Cinema:

My Conclusion:

They make a rant about both sides, but the anti-communism part is way more explicit and more stereotypical, while the anti-capitalism part is more subtle, and Americans from generation X were the target audience at the beggining of the series, and we know that they aren't the most clever to see behind subtle things or even what is already obvious.

(this is a remake of a post from my old account)

[papenathys]

1 & 5 for the book ask thing

1 - Fave Books

Gun to my head, I had to narrow it down to five books and felt like drinking bleach throughout. In no particular order, they are as follows:

Providence Girls by Morgan Dante ( @ghostpoetics on tumblr): A historical cosmic horror novel set in 1940s New England which retells two Lovecraftian horror tales in the form of a tragic sapphic love story. Fucking broke me. Exists at the very specific juncture of my mind between the lesbian eroticism and healing from trauma of The Handmaiden, and the body horror and monster romance of The Shape of Water.

Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer: I'll be honest the movie was whatever for me but this book was what kids these days call a serve...a banger even. Don't know how the author described the surreal morphing sentient, geographic, sort of sci-fi sort of psychological– sort of straight up eldritch horror?? but it terrified the shit out of me, because everything was so beautiful, so unsettling and so distorted, that by the end I wanted to be consumed alive by the fungi and the lighthouse moss too. Also the biologist is to me what Camille Preaker and Abigail Hobbs are to vaguely sad white girls on tumblr.

Walking Practice by Dolki Min: An allegory for queer peoples' alienation in South Korea, wrapped up in a gruesome, dark and funny little story about a crash-landed alien that kills people via dating app stalking. Not only was this book fucking fantastic visually in terms of typesetting and illustrations, but also the translation was genuinely great. And while the narration was very funny, there were also many passages that were gut-punchingly tragic and raw, and captured how it feels to be trans, queer and disabled in a homophobic, conservative society.

Blue Hunger by Viola Di Grado: Gorgeous litfic novella about a young Italian teacher grieving the loss of her brother, who moves to Shanghai and has a toxic, obsessive, dreamlike affair with a Chinese lesbian, one of her new students. This one is not for everybody because the romance is extremely imbalanced, unhealthy and nasty but also I don't care because the writing was so hauntingly beautiful. Think cityscapes, urban loneliness, lesbian sex in dirty alleys and grief striking you at the oddest, sweatiest, most surreal hour of night.

The Sympathizer by Viet Thanh Nguyen: Scathingly powerful political-historical satire novel, about a Viet Cong spy in the South Vietnamese army who escapes to USA during the 1970s fall of Saigon, and once there, finds himself repulsed and fascinated by the heinous facade and global crimes perpetuated by the Western intellectual, political and military complex that he both loathes and lusts after. Easily the best book I read this year, banger from beginning to end, reminded me why I love historical fiction. It TEARS apart American imperialism, the politics of colonial/orientalist academia, propaganda film, and anti-communist fear mongering in the 70s, during the Vietnam war. Delicious and horrifying usage of the unreliable narrator. Extremely relevant, timely read today. If there's one book you take from this list, it should be this one.

5 - Book I would recommend to anyone

We Deserve Monuments by Jas Hammonds. It's a YA novel about a teen Black girl who moves to rural Georgia with her parents to look after her terminally ill, estranged maternal grandmother, but ends up having a whirlwind summer as the dark, violent and tragic secrets of her family's past–and that of her mother's childhood hometown–comes to light. This is possibly one of the best young adult books I ever read, it felt like a cross between a coming-of-age film, and a classic historical transgenerational family saga. It was at once a love letter to finding queer and Black joy and community in a conservative Southern town, but also harrowing grief about historic racism and police brutality and how trauma informs identity, as does love. I mean this in the most respectful way possible: in parts this reminded me of Toni Morrison's Beloved, that's how fucking good it was.

[volkswagonblues]

@alluroa asked me about book recs, so I'd thought I'd do a combined

2023-24 fav books in review

I've grouped them together in pairs for thematic relevance

The God of the Woods // North Woods

God of the Woods is set in a girl's summer camp in the 1970s; North Woods is a long American historical novel that traces the history of one patch of New England land from the first European settlers onwards. I them together because they cover similar geographical regions. I thought both of them had an incredible sense of time and place, very good if you enjoy new england

2. Breakfast of Champions // Penance

To me, both are just fucking MASTERPIECES that defy genre. Sorry guys that I'm trying to toot Vonnegut's horn in 2024, like wow, check out this tiny indie writer that no one has ever heard of. But Breakfast of Champions truly feels shockingly fresh for something written fifty years ago. Race inequality, gender relations, the rot of late capitalist America... 1973 Vonnegut had already seen and nailed it all.

Penance by the way is a must read for every tumblrina. It has the most perfect pastiche of fandom I had ever seen, it's got me HOWLING multiple times. And the way that Clark depicts female friendships...it's like those photorealistic dutch paintings of flowers where you can't believe it was painted. I can't believe anyone just. Made this up. Her fucking mind.....

3. The Invisible Kingdom // Strangers to Ourselves

The Invisible Kingdom is about the writer's struggle with chronic illness, which I think precedes long covid but very relevant to the Current Conditions Of Our Times. Stranger to Ourselves's chapter on eating disorders and the chapter on schizophrenia reframed how I thought about those things. Maybe I'm shallow but I genuinely found it so profound in the way it framed mental illness as a "career" that people fall in to. That's a very bad summary. Go read it yourself.

4. The Guest // The Master Key

Okay, sorry, but I felt like the entire world was reading The Guest last summer so I won't explain too much, but I'll say I really like this style of prose. The language is simple, but so elegantly done. Very sharp social satire. I wish I could write like this. The Master Key is a Japanese mystery novel that's a pastiche of the Golden Age of 20th century mysteries. Very classic "locked room" mystery, but with a really brilliant dose of social drama. It's set in an apartment building where only unmarried woman are allowed to live. The tenants who remained after decades are often sad, lonely, and hiding some bizarre secret. So good I almost forgot it's a murder mystery

[penny-anna]

fanfiction writing culture was like. pretty different when My Immortal was new. the 'no concrit' culture we have now evolved out of a scene in which openly mocking 'badfic' was heavily normalised.

like. i started posting fanfiction when i was about 14 & once had someone come into my reviews to pick apart everything they felt was wrong w a story i'd posted. i'd been online long enough to know not to engage w that kind of behaviour and also when i was 14 i was convinced i was some kind of Literary Genius so i just deleted it and moved on.

but every so often i remember this fucking review. the tone was so sneering & condescending and what really gets me is that it was pretty obvious that they'd pegged me as a teenager (they mentioned that i'd made the character i was writing about 'talk like a 21st century american teenager') so it's like. you saw someone you thought was a teenager writing something harmlessly stupid and went out of your way to tear it apart? who does that??

anyway the author of My Immortal was, supposedly, a teenager girl and to be blunt the initial response to it was Kinda Mean. like at this point it's a fandom classic (and also i 100% believe it was satire) but like the culture around it began in a climate where a lot of people did fervently believe in this Boogeyman of idk like. teenage girls who were ruining everything with their badfic and Mary Sues.

all this to say no im not surprised that a lot of people Fell For It. i'd say the people who thought it was real were prolly as much its target as the kind of fic it was spoofing lmao.

[noitsjusttaylor]

How Taylor has silently fought the “Aryan Princess” rhetoric alt right nut jobs have been pushing onto her for almost a decade

Although it apparently started as satire (could not find that root myself), in 2016 alt right conservatives attempted to make Taylor Swift their “Aryan Goddess”. They praised her “Nordic blood” and her white significant others.

These alt right conservatives genuinely believed that Taylor had a secret love for Trump. Remember, this is pre- Miss Americana. At this time she was “apolitical” publicly. They even made memes pointing to her having yt supremacist ideations

These beliefs were fueled by her wildest dreams music video, which was HIGHLY criticized (and rightfully so)

Inspired by classic Hollywood relationships like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor (also referenced directly in her music) and movies like Out of Africa, the music video seemingly takes place in Africa. However, only depicts a white cast and crew.

While this wasn’t seen as an overt act of racism by Taylor, it was held up as an example of white America. For many, it showed that Taylor Swift was a white person, who was largely surrounded by white people. And while it isn’t purely a swift problem, it is an American problem

Although these factors, white male leads and apolitical public existence, do not prove an ideology held by Taylor, the right ran fast and hard with it.

So how did Taylor respond to this? While we all know that Taylor did not publicly comment on politics until 2019,

the Wildest Dreams music was the last video Taylor had a white male love interest (not including celebrity features). They have either had no love interest, or a man of color ever since.

Not only in music videos, but on stage as well.

Taylor Swift is still a white woman, who is often touted as the face of white feminism. We still know she makes mistakes, even in this era. And it is not my place to say she is doing things properly. But I find it interesting to see her response to this topic consistent since

source

Original Twitter Thread

[gollancz]

Happy North American publication day to HIGH VAULTAGE, by @victoriocity! And many thanks to @terribleminds for the boost. (not least to my ego since I get a shout-out)

It's available through all good bookstores, AND you can get signed copies here!

OTHER NICE THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID:

'Hilarious' - Matt Young, co-creator of Hello from the Magic Tavern

'A joyous, delightful romp...filled to the brim with clever jokes - perfect for anyone looking for a Pratchett fix' - Caitlin Schneiderhan, screenwriter, Stranger Things

'More please' - SFX

‘High Vaultage is exactly what I've come to expect from the Sugdens - inventive, imaginative, and hilarious’ – Lauren Shippen, creator of The Bright Sessions

‘There are some very big concepts in this novel, ambitious settings, and amazing new discoveries. The satire is even more smart, the wit even more sharp’ – @skyfullofpods

'Absolutely overflowing with imagination and creativity . . . I also loved how witty and clever the writing and dialogue was and I found myself genuinely laughing' - @foreverlostinliterature

'High Vaultage is endlessly entertaining - a classic mystery adventure with 10,000 volts of mad science put right through it. It's not just the type of story I wish I could read every day, it's the type of story I wish I could write. Reading it would make me furious with envy if it didn't keep me so busy grinning from ear to ear' - Gabriel Urbina, creator of Wolf 359

[statictwoo]

I’ve been thinking a lot about earlier versus later seasons of M*A*S*H and I wanted to see if I could figure out how to keep Frank through the tone shift without sacrificing the quality of the story or the character.  Just a fun hypothetical :] Click “read more” for this because it’s going to be a long one.

First I want to look at Charles.  Between Frank and Charles, I don’t think there’s a better or worse character.  Frank is a better tool to further the anti-military, anti-war message, but Charles is a more dimensional character, and it would be impossible for them to switch places without changing the characters.  I mean, imagine Frank in GFA…ridiculous, but I am going to put him there.  Bear with me.

I prefer the earlier seasons for their satire, but I appreciate the later ones for the realism in characters like Charles and Margaret, so it would be nice to keep those strong core values while also delving into more dramatic territory.  Let’s look at what makes Frank work.  Mostly, it’s the fact that he’s a military fanatic.  His adherence to the rules gives Hawkeye and Trapper (also BJ, for a bit) something immediate to push back against.  Frank is a satirization of the unyielding conservative mindset and also a stand-in for the military itself.  Obviously Hawkeye can’t punch the US Army but he can punch Frank.  But being such a useful tool means that when Frank shows a little humanity, the writers have to pass over it pretty quickly.

What makes Charles work?  Simply put, he’s human.  He’s a terrible snob, he’s racist, he’s classist, but he’s fun.  He DOES actually care for people, he likes playing pranks, and he likes Hawkeye and BJ.  But he doesn’t have strong feelings about the military, and that means that when Hawkeye and BJ argue with him, it only serves to illustrate their personal relationship.  Charles doesn’t stand in for anything larger besides economic class, which isn’t really an integral topic of M*A*S*H since it’s something that matters a lot more back home than at war.

I think the only possible way to keep Frank would be to give him a little of Charles and a little of Margaret—that is, redeem him, just a bit.  Whereas Charles was never really painted as an antagonist and Margaret’s character development came slowly (and was also more personal than ideological), I want to give Frank a very sudden and violent awakening.  Let him lose Margaret and let him have that mental breakdown, but treat it with a little more dignity.  Institutionalize him for a bit and then send him back to the 4077th where he’s still the butt of the jokes, and now Margaret, his only support system, is pulled out from under him.  Let him realize that after doing everything right and licking every boot he was supposed to, he still failed.  He didn’t get the girl, and worse, he ended up in the looney bin.  That’s not supposed to happen to Good American Men.  At this point, I’d hope that his need for companionship would override his worship of the military. Every mention of Frank's past shows that he has always been lonely, and I would use this opportunity to really bring that out.

I’d like Frank to make an honest effort to befriend Hawkeye and BJ and put his actions where his mouth is, maybe by ignoring one out of every ten broken rules.  Keep him racist, keep him republican, keep the baffling fact that he doesn’t seem to realize they’ve left America, but make him enough of “one of the guys” that when these things come out it’s disappointing rather than just classic Frank.  His role would have to change from a caricature of the rigid conservative mind to an example of how the ideology you’re trying to fight is often present even in your own friends.  It might even help to highlight his hypocrisy!  Turn a blind eye to Hawkeye’s antics because they’re friends, but write up someone else for the same thing simply because he doesn’t know them.  

Would I want Frank to turn completely against the military?  No, it wouldn’t serve his character.  But I’d like to see him nudged just a little bit and forced to actually confront his own beliefs through Hawkeye's conscious and consistent effort.  It would be nice to get him to the point of thinking before blindly assuming that whatever the army wants is what’s right.  Granted, the guy is brainwashed and 9 times out of 10 he would definitely side with the army, but that 1 time would be fun.  I think it would be a decent way of showing some tangible results of Hawkeye’s resistance.  His actions were never going to stop the war or destroy the military or overthrow the government, but what if he could chip away at the armor starting with one person?  I would have liked the show to say more clearly that Hawkeye’s actions were worth something, and that’s just one way it could have been done.  I know Margaret is also an example but as I said before her growth is largely personal, so I think Frank would be a clearer target here.

So we’ve reached the end, we’re at “Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen.”  What are we going to do with Frank?  I think there’s only one option.  Have him quit medicine.  He doesn’t have a genuine passion for it and he isn’t a good doctor, so I think this is the most obvious first step in the right direction that he can make.  We won’t get to see where he goes from here, but hopefully it’s somewhere much better.

I’m not saying this scenario would be any better than just sending him home and being done with it, but It’s fun to think about a world in which we get more Frank.  I’m biased by the fact that I just thoroughly enjoy him.  Maybe this is a universe where the original script for “George” airs!

[hp-hcs]

(Fine, I’ll do it my damn self: part 1 of my silly lil mlm stories <3)

Gay Awakening (Chapter One) — smitten! mattheo riddle x male! reader

TWs: tobacco & alcohol use, internalized homophobia, homophobic slurs (once)

hella ooc mattheo. congrats, ur his gay awakening, and he’s an absolutely smitten lil gay mess for you but yk he’s trying

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Hey, dude. Who’s that?” Theodore asked, bumping Mattheo’s arm to get his attention, then pointing his fork in your direction. You were sitting at the very end of the table’s bench, wearing an oversized black muggle hoodie with your green tie loose and haphazardly slung around your neck. You were animatedly talking with, out of all people, a Hufflepuff. The Hufflepuff girl sitting at the Slytherin table either seemed to be completely unaware of the looks she was receiving, or she was steadfastly ignoring them. Your laugh cut through the room, the Hufflepuff cracking up with you.

“American transfer students,” Malfoy sneered. “They clearly don’t know the rules yet.”

“Oh, shut up, Draco,” Pansy rolled her eyes, resting her chin on her hand and looking at the Hufflepuff for a moment too long.

Draco scoffed, clearly offended. “Whatever. They’re probably faggots anyway.”

Pansy whirled around with a furious expression. Mattheo himself flinched slightly at the slur, which caused Blaise to look at him questioningly. Once Mattheo had waved Blaise’s unspoken question off, Zabini shrugged, leaning over and muttering in his ear, “Ten galleons says she brings up Potter.”

“-and everyone knows that you have a crush on Harry Motherfucking Potter, so maybe you should take your bigotry and shove it right up your-”

“Pansy?” you questioned, awkwardly standing across from her. “Here, ‘m supposed t’ give this to you.”

You leaned across the table to drop a folded up note in front of her, allowing Mattheo to catch a faint whiff of your cologne. You looked back down at the floor shyly, hurrying back to your spot at the end of the table.

“He’s hot,” Theo shrugged, taking a bite of his toast. “I call dibs.”

“You can’t call dibs on the guy who just asked Pansy out, dipshit.”

“Actually, it’s a note from the ‘puff,” Pansy interjected, twisting her wrist around to show off the neat cursive written in a purple glitter gel pen. “She wants to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend, dipshit.”

“Yeah, dipshit,” Mattheo teased Theodore. “Plus, I think Malfoy already called dibs on him, so tough luck.”

Theo blew a raspberry at him, only a slight distraction from where Mattheo’s comment had fueled another Pansy-rant and left Draco sinking low in his seat as if he wanted to disappear.

~~~

“Alright, Zabini, you’re up. What classic novel is a satirical adaptation of R. M. Ballantyne’s The Coral Island?”

“Why the fuck would I know that, Berkshire?”

“Blaise forfeits! Sudden death round is down to just us, Riddle,” Theo crowed excitedly, watching as the score quill of the charmed muggle trivia game scratched Blaise’s name off of the paper score sheet, drawing a condescending frowny face next to it.

Enzo laughed, flipping over the little hourglass timer. “If anyone can answer in the next thirty seconds, they automatically win the game.”

“No idea,” Mattheo shrugged. Theodore spun his rings around on his fingers before shrugging too.

“The Lord of the Flies,” your quiet voice pipes up. The game players all look over in your direction from where you’ve just entered the common room—coming back from the library, it looked like, if the stack of books in your hands explained anything.

“What?” Draco asked, raising an eyebrow and sneering.

“The Lord of the Flies,” you repeated. “William Golding. Fantastic book.”

Malfoy huffed. “And who are you, exactly?”

“Y/n L/n,” you introduced yourself, nodding politely in their direction before wordlessly disappearing up the dorm room stairs.

Mattheo stared after you alongside his friends, none of them immediately noticing the charmed quill writing your name down on the score card as the winner.

~~~

“C’n I bum a smoke?” your sleepy voice called softly from behind Mattheo. He turned around from his spot on the otherwise unoccupied balcony to see you rubbing your eyes, a fuzzy green blanket draped around your shoulders. He cleared his throat and nodded, fishing a fresh cigarette out of the pack and holding it out to you. His heart rate stuttered for a moment when your fingers brushed against his.

“Thanks,” you muttered, using a wandless incantation to light it. Mattheo leaned back against the railing, taking a drag from his half-finished cigarette and blowing the smoke out thoughtfully.

“Why’re you up? It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”

Maybe it was his well-meaning-but-patronizing phrasing or the confidence-imbued late night cigarette, but you clicked your tongue once and said in a short, clipped tone, “Oh, shut the fuck up, you hypocrite.”

Mattheo barked out a surprised laugh, choking on his lungful of smoke and falling into a coughing fit.

“Language, L/n,” he teased.

“English, Riddle,” you snickered back.

He grinned at you, blushing a nice pink color as you both smoked in a comfortable silence for a moment.

“My roommate brought some girl back from the party he went to,” you say after a while. “Didn’t want to deal with all that.”

“Ah,” Mattheo nodded slowly. “Boys seem to lose all of their brain cells as soon as they come within a ten-foot radius of a hot girl.”

You snort. “Not all of us.”

“Yeah?” he questioned, in a way he hoped came off as nonchalant, even though he was internally freaking out. “No lucky lady piquing your interest?”

“This may shock you, but believe it or not, I’m not actually into girls at all,” you snort again, dropping the cigarette butt and grinding it into the ground with the toe of your sneaker.

“Really?” he asked in a high voice before loudly clearing his throat. “I mean- really? That’s cool. Uh, m-me too.”

“Yeah?” you glanced up at him curiously. “Huh. I wouldn’t’a guessed.”

“Can I kiss you, Y/n?” Mattheo blurted out, immediately snapping his mouth shut and mentally facepalming.

“Sure,” you shrugged.

“Huh?”

“I said sure.”

The poor boy was frozen in place, gaping at you. Taking pity on him, you made the first move—tugging on his tie to pull him down to your level.

His hand found the back of your neck, gripping it while kissing you softly—much more gently than you would’ve expected.

When you broke apart, he looked like he’d just been enlightened. Like he might've actually shouted eureka! and run off.

“Holy shit,” he breathed. “I’ve never kissed a guy before- holy shit.” He laughs freely, cupping your face to kiss you again.

“So what now, Archimedes?” At his confused expression you elaborated, “Muggle reference, sorry.”

He nodded slowly, his fingers automatically winding their way into the hair at the nape of your neck. “Well… you could sleep with me tonight,” he offered after a moment. “Y’know, so you don’t have to deal with your roommate.”

“Oh, um, I’m not really that type of guy, Mattheo…” you trailed off.

“Oh!” His eyes widened in panic. “I didn’t mean to imply- I mean, not that I wouldn’t love- I meant we could just literally sleep in the same bed!”

You giggled, a bit relieved. “I’d like that.”

He took a deep breath, smiling hesitantly at you. “No funny business, promise. All at your discretion.”

He held out his hand to you, and you took it immediately, leaning into his side.

“So about that fight between Malfoy and Pansy…”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Chapter Two