#church was Really good today
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I was at church for three hours and I am now ready to sink into my bed for 24 hours.
#my post#I got there early to help out with tech again!#church was Really good today#but guys#I socialized so muchhh#and now I am so tired#I must gather up my energy for small group tonight…
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it went fine yesterday btw :}
#Robin processes emotions on main#sometimes I freak out like a chihuahua and then actually have a good time. these things are typical in the life of ur local robin#we talked about our lives instead of our Interests and it was fine ! I think I did good. we commiserated about the post-college woes#I got re-reminded how rough my life is right now and cried a little but like in a good way. and I'll make it. we'll both make it#today I made a bucket list of churches to try (By Myself) and places to visit around town#(clutching my head staggering upright) did you guys know th.that childhood parentification can majorly mess you up#man do I need therapy. like. soon I think#also a steady job and my own apartment but let's not get ahead of ourselves. haha. sorry let me rephrase:#I'm GOING to get a job and move out eventually and it will be GOOD. and in the meantime I will make living here good too dangit#anyway so yeah I just forgot that this particular friend is good for Processing Life with instead of Enjoying Stories with#that was my issue last time.#although last time wasn't a Failure on my part. I was just exhausted and I Couldn't process life last time. no energy for that#I didn't feel safe enough to do that so all I had to fall back on was my interests and it just didn't click. such things happen#anyway I'm logging back out now but thank you everyone for the encouragement :') it really helped and I'm gonna keep on truckin'
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I kind of hate how just because I don't subscribe to any religion or believe in any specific god, people assume that means that I *disbelieve* in god(s)
I simply don't have much reason to think about whether or not there's a god, besides when I just want to enjoy some good old philosophical/hypothetical thinking or conversations.
Like people will hear I'm not Christian and go "how come you don't believe in god?" like no, no you misunderstand me. I don't NOT believe in god, I just don't believe in *your* god. And if your god is real, then it changes nothing about how I'm going to live my life. The Christian god is an ass and not someone I'm going to worship. I'm just gonna spend my life trying to do good, and if your god doesn't like that, then he's not a very good god, is he?
#anyways talking about religion is not something i normally do#but ive just been thinking about this today#im always hesitant to talk about Christianity because i dont want people to start some sort of war against me#accusing me of hating christians or something#the truth is Ive been severly traumatized by my experience with the Christian church#and because of that i cant really talk to or be friends with Christians anymore due to it being too triggering#but theres A LOT of variations in Christianity. some Christians arent half bad#and id like to encourage those good Christians to keep practicing their religion in a way that#benefits them without harming others :3#i was raised to believe that i had to trust gods moral compass above my own. and yknow what fuck that#thats one belief i wont subscribe to anymore#if god disagrees with my morals thats kinda a fundamental issue for me lol
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sometimes, sometimes, all you need is someone a few years older to you telling you your situation is completely normal and that you'll make it through because they've been through it themselves :)
#she seemed so nice and earnest#she even mentioned how she never had anyone to tell her the same so she wanted to reassure me#and that was so sweet of her???#I dunno something about quiet older girls who talk calmly and with a sincere smile on their face make me feel like there's still hope#and it was at church today so you know she's been validated by God <3#(it really was awesome how I told her about how it's been and she just rolled her eyes good-naturedly and shook her head saying that was#exactly what she had to put up with and that I'd be fine because she didn't regret her decision as well)#look!! words!!
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being grown up is so fucking cool. i listen to music i like whenever i want and i can make friends with people at places i like going to and i can decorate my house with cute little wall sconces while that my mom didn’t say they look like a dick and balls
#feeling high on life today <3#church was really good today because there was a new young couple there and i talked to them for like an hour at coffee afterwards and they#were so cool they were like yeah we wanted to come here because we like the progressive theology i was like YES PLEASE STAY WE NEED MORE#GEN Z IN THESE CHAIRS
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Gonna get in trouble at church because I genuinely don’t think “Christian” media should exist as a genre. I think Christians should write good and even excellent stories about the nature of the human condition and if they truly follow Jesus the evidence of that joy and wisdom and goodness will pervade whatever they make whether they like it or not. Stop worrying about what you want people to learn like it’s a lesson and just say something true and beautiful.
And as an audience, stop being afraid of stories that might not agree with you and seek things that are good and true and beautiful.
#samantha.txt#this post brought to you by: I was forced to watch a god’s not dead 2 clip in sunday school and it was just…ugh#soooooo hamfisted and over-the-top#no nuance and no room for real human emotion and fear and doubt and blurry lines and gray areas#no working out your salvation with fear and trembling just — it was like a say no to drugs skit#then it was followed by playing a praise song equally hamfisted#learn something about art soon or so help me!!#but the trouble is that it feels like there is no good way to defend against something like that because like#on the pro- side people can say but it’s showing the gospel! and on my side I have to just say what? that it’s doing it so badly#that it makes our faith appear as stupid and shallow as the critics think it is?#but it PAINS me#and in my particular church I know I am so wildly outnumbered on this#BUT it was actually really hurting me today and low and behold we were in col 1 for service#and I flipped to col 2 and there was the passage about the gentile church there#who should not be ashamed of what they eat or drink nor be judged by the standards of me#*men#but who should focus on Jesus and follow him and his teaching#and that helped me breathe easier#that at least I shouldn’t feel ashamed for not like some of these aspects of the ‘Christian’ culture
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⛪️
#church delights from today#I said wow out loud like 7 times just driving there because the trees and bushes are so resplendently beautiful this week#sermon was really good (on Philip’s ‘show us the Father’)#also the pastor referenced That Hideous Strength so well in the sermon??#in a sudden silence the pastor’s little son in the row in front of me cronched loudly on a communion cup#also one of the songs I realized I was singing the tenor part and my friend next to me (guy) was on the alto line#not unusual for him but for some reason it just amused me greatly#and then lunch was great afterwards and I had some really fun conversations:)#oh and! I’m building closer relationships with the youth group kids and am really enjoying that
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why is this day a wonderful and also horrible rollercoaster
#worship warmup this morning started out awful#but church went really well and I don't have to work today#got some really good encouragement from our new temporary worship director (regular worship director has a tiny baby rn)#but then found out some horrible news about someone I know and a medical situation that I can't disclose details of here#and now I'm just kind of stuck between ''awesome day!!!'' and ''nononononopleaseGodno''#tomorrow I get to go over to a friend's house and see her horse though so that's gonna be good#anyway. pray for me and for this person I know. and for one of the older youth kids who had a rough morning today#Lu rambles
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TW: death, religious trauma
We were talking about the rapture in church today
And its put me in a really bad mood. Because I remember when I first heard of the rapture
It made me think I deserved to die
And even though I don't think that now. I can't hear about it, and not feel bad about myself
I'm glad I don't think that anymore. But I wish it bother me so much
I see things a different way now. Including which religion I follow. Which is now much more ambiguous
Next week we'll talk about it again. And I really don't want to hear about it.
I've thought about maybe leaving and going to bathroom. And then coming back late. To skip most of it
But I don't really know what I'll do
I just really hate hearing about it
#it was a horrible time for me. during 6th to 7th grade. i wish i would have came up to my parents more then. but they didn't seem as-#trustworthy then. and i can't really blame myself for that#but its really hard to see the bright side of this.#hearing about something like this. and then added to it already being serious. it brings up bad memories#i could barely stand it today. we had to wake up early and go to 2 services. we'll be doing that for the whole month.#next time ill just sleep. nobody really sees me and my brother anyway. especially if we stay outside the church. and just watch on the TV.#i kept falling asleep standing which was horrible. i don't like doing that because i almost fall or drop the things in my hands#i drew for most of the class today. i like our leader. but. it doesn't really stop how i feel about the topic at all. no matter how much-#shes good. i like the church even. but i don't want to be there. it doesn't serve me.#cookiebearcat#6th grade
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genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry
#i'm not back for real yet i think i want to stay away longer. i'm just here to put more things in the queue and answer messages#i really enjoyed trimax vol 4 idk something about it was less miserable than 1-3#might have been the first volume that i wasn't grimacing the entire time i read it. or maybe i'm just desensitized now.#unironically this prayer is soooo beautiful to me. give us this day our daily bread. not bread for the week not bread for a year#just enough for today.#lately when i've been praying it just looks like#please for the love of god please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL#things are not looking good for the community house.. lots bureaucracy with the city. and the church that funded us is falling apart#i don't know what i'm going to do if we get shut down it's the one thing in my life that's worth anything#all those kids... where are they going to go. who is going to help them. where is the neighborhood going to get their food.#in two days it will be the anniversary of [REDACTED] and i am so so so scared#just sat in my room today and fruitlessly scrolled thru jobs im not qualified for & tried not to think about thinking about killing myself#i don't WANT to kill myself i don't want to think about it i hate thinking about killing myself i will never ever kill myself or even try#but there is a demon or perhaps a ghost or evil wizard that tells me there's an easy way everything can go away. and it's A STUPID. BITCH.#please do not reply to this post i know you all mean well but i just don't think i can handle it.#talking about it i mean. and hearing people say nice but empty things.#i just wish i had someone to sit next to me.#personal#i don't want to go to church tomorrow :( it all feels so fake and i do not ever feel fed.
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Guys I’m doing childcare today!! I’m excited and nervous!!
#my post#there’s a staff meeting going on for my church today#and the lead pastor asked if I’d be willing to watch the staff member’s kids during the meeting!#I love doing babysitting/childcare but this time there’s gonna be a few more kids then I’m used to I think#with pretty varying ages as well!#if you see this then I’d really appreciate prayers!! just that it goes well & that the kids have a good time & that I’m not too overwhelmed
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#had a really good chat with my friend today about church#we've both been struggling with changes lately#she's been part of it 9 years me only 18 months#but the same struggle at its base#and we've talked a little bit about it but not in a very productive way#but today she was telling me they have figured out a way forwards for themselves#i haven't yet. and i don't know if their way forward will be mine (although i guess it's an option). but it just helped me to be hopeful#that there is a way forwards#like - i'd been thinking about leaving actually and a) i hate the thought but also b) i have been to almost every other church in town#there's like one i missed#so it's not like there's many options??#it took me long enough to find this church which is part of why the changes hurt so much#anyway. good chat. still hard situation. but a good friend
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...
#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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❤⛪
#guys God was so good to me today at church#i've been struggling with anxiety recently and last night i was really calling out to Him#i also lost my bible and my notebook that had all the notes from our pastor's sermon series on matthew that i really liked. and i lost it#more than a month ago and i keep praying for Jesus to return it to me#and today He did!!!#and the sermon was about the isralites crossing the jordan and about how God goes before us through all the trials He calls us to go throug#and God just showed such abundant grace to me through that#to show me He sees me and He hears my prayers ❤❤❤
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goodnight pretty boy
#work tomorrow ….. pain#got some good pics today at church and at my concert tho and that made me really happy so :)#I’m feeling motivated to finish editing all of the other pics I’ve taken this year now too hahaha
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oh no, I sure hope I don't get accepted to work this full time sub-minimum wage position that I applied for. That would be terrible. Sure would be a shame if I got it.
#a sock speaks#shhh I'm playing hard to get#yes it is a lot of work for little compensation but it would give me experience that I need#and from the video interviews it seems like work that I'd be happy to do?#and so I'm still sitting here feeling insecure about it. been getting a lot of rejections lately.#work tag#the peach ice cream from yesterday is really good! I was going to make rose ice cream today but my dad used up all the milk#I have rose water in the fridge waiting. might make it tomorrow if there's time#food tag#it occurred to me today that since I have a car nothing's stopping me from going to another church#my parents will be upset if I don't attend with them. but I could go to a service before or after?#there's a mixed Lutheran/Presbyterian nearby that starts an hour before. and I know the music director bc she was my accompanist years ago!#also their communion is fully open so I wouldn't have to be stuck in my scruples about baptism there#idk. maybe soon if not tomorrow.#local construction
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