#next time ill just sleep. nobody really sees me and my brother anyway. especially if we stay outside the church. and just watch on the TV. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

whumpmatsus · 3 years ago

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Heyo! 👋 hope you're doing well! If you are taking requests right now, maybe some Ichi hurt/comfort? Like maybe he's having a depressive episode one day (me? Projecting? It's more likely than you think 😂) unlike any he's ever had before, and he just doesn't have the strength to do anything, even make snippy remarks at any of his brothers. One (or all, you can pick!) of them notices this odd behavior, and makes it their mission to help him feel a little more like his old self, even if that just means "riding out the storm" with him.

Oof this was really long, lol sorry 😂 but thanks for taking the time to read, I love your writing style! Take care! 👋

eyyy don't be sorry! God I REALLY enjoyed writing this... I love how it turned out

sometimes these guys can be jerks, for sure, even when one of their own is in pain

but... when it's serious... THIS BEAUTIFUL SHIT HAPPENS

please enjoy Ichi being spoiled and surrounded by love from all his brothers because HE DESERVES IT and I love how this turned out <3

Ichimatsu’s first (and maybe only) mistake is that he assumes his brothers don’t pay that much attention to him one way or the other unless he speaks up.

Or, maybe it’s that he often hopes they don’t.

Because he knows they care; there are little things they all do that remind him that no matter what, they love him. But they all have their own things to do, and most of the time he finds that best. They should be able to do whatever they like instead of wasting their lives making him feel better. He has a bad day or hates himself so much of the time, if they paid him attention whenever he wasn’t doing well, they’d never get to enjoy themselves with other things.

He cares about them, too. So usually he’d rather they occupy themselves with their own interests whenever he’s not feeling well. He can bury things deep inside and pretend those shitty feelings don’t exist and act almost normal. As normal as someone like him can act, anyway. For their sake. They don’t deserve to worry about him.

Today, he’s too tired for whatever reason. His scathing barbs and negative attitude on most days aren’t really fake… on the bad days, though, he can force his typical demeanor so nobody suspects he’s not fine. All they see is sour-faced, ill-tempered fourth brother Ichimatsu.

He can’t even do that much right now. It’s as if the weight of existence and his own mind is pulling him down, further and further, until he’s drowning in his thoughts. Horrible thoughts. Things telling him he’s worthless, a failure, a burden, good for nothing, should probably be dead… too many things to keep track of.

If he were trying not to get his brothers’ attention by being quiet and listless, it isn’t working. In fact, his current behavior has actually done the opposite.

While he’s lying in the corner of the room, curled around himself and wishing he could fall asleep to avoid dealing with these thoughts and feelings, the others are around their table muttering among themselves.

“You guys noticed he barely touched breakfast, right?” Osomatsu is the first to speak up, and he’s doing his best not to look at Ichimatsu too much, simply because he doesn’t want his younger brother to feel everyone’s eyes on him. He’s pretty sure that would just make matters worse.

Choromatsu hums in agreement. “Yeah, no, he just kind of stared into his tea… he might have taken a sip or two, but that’s about it. I don’t think he even ate any rice.”

“Did he even brush his teeth this morning?” Totty speaks up. “Or his hair? It looks messier than usual, and I was the last one in the bathroom before breakfast, and it didn’t look like his toothbrush had been used.”

“Also,” Karamatsu chimes in, “I believe that is the same outfit he wore yesterday. He didn’t sleep in it, but he put it back on when he got up even though it hasn’t been washed.”

Choromatsu frowns and steals a quick glance at the fourth eldest. “Like he… didn’t wanna think about picking something different out, huh? And… it’s kind of worrying that he didn’t brush his teeth or hair. I mean, that’s basic hygiene. It’s like he’s depressed or… some… thing…”

Suddenly a light bulb goes off, and the rest of the brothers exchange a concerned look with each other.

“Oh,” is all Osomatsu says for a moment. Then, “Fuck.”

Before anyone else can breathe a word, Jyushimatsu leans back away from the table and collapses with his head in Ichimatsu’s lap. “Aaaah, Ichimatsu-nii-chan! Baseball practice today? We can do it at the beach!”

Ichimatsu hardly flinches at the abrupt contact, but really it’s because he doesn’t even have the strength to be startled. He doesn’t move to push Jyushimatsu off or bounce his leg to dissuade the him from staying or anything. It’s a moment until he actually says anything, like a delayed reaction from a computer. “Uh. Not today, Jyushi. I’m probably gonna take a nap.”

“Hmmmmmmm… oh, I know! I’ll nap with you! Maybe we’ll dream about baseball!”

All the others watch closely, waiting to see if he gives an average Ichimatsu reaction. Instead, he doesn’t even shrug. “Yeah, if you want.”

Obviously, that’s not what they would be expecting from any other day. They all look at each other again, minus Jyushimatsu who just curls up against his big brother’s side.

Ichimatsu, on the other hand, is so out of it in his own head that he doesn’t realize that he’s done anything to worry his brothers. They should all be paying attention to their own shit, right?

He just feels so exhausted despite that he knows he slept okay last night. All he did this morning was wake up and get out of bed and already he’s… drained.

You’re so lazy. You can’t even put together the energy it takes to read a fucking magazine or something? To do nothing like you usually do? What kind of loser doesn’t have enough energy to do something like watch TV?

What the hell is wrong with you?

He cringes at the sound of his own inner voice berating him, and ducks his head down between his knees. Shit. Everything hurts. Isn’t that right, though? He’s useless. It doesn’t take any effort to just sit somewhere watching TV or reading and yet he’s not even willing to do something like that.

Even though he expects that Jyushimatsu might want to hang out with him, because the two of them are close, he doesn’t anticipate it when Osomatsu comes over and sits himself down across from Ichimatsu. At least, he thinks it’s Osomatsu. He doesn’t really feel like lifting his head fully; it looks like a red hoodie, though.

“Uh, hey, Ichimacchan.” Osomatsu feels a little awkward at first, mainly due to the fact that he’s never sure what to do when Ichimatsu is in one of ‘these’ moods. What works on one day might not work the next time. Previous experience is all he has to draw on, though.

“I noticed you didn’t eat too much at breakfast… you in the mood for something sweet?” Tempting him with one of their favorite treats might put him in better spirits, at least for a minute. “There’s a box of imagawayaki on the counter… there’s three in there, so we can split ‘em. Mom said these ones have chocolate cream in them.”

Everyone else lets out a blissful sigh as they all think about how delicious that’s going to be. Bean paste or custard or even regular cream is always good, but chocolate cream? If they had to fight over those, someone might end up dead.

Ichimatsu offers a shrug in his brother’s direction. “Sure, if you guys want. I’m just not that hungry.”

Osomatsu frowns, and looks over toward Choromatsu who’s thankfully recovered from the imagawayaki imagine spot. None of the brothers would ever turn that down. Even if they weren’t necessarily hungry, they’d make room for something that good. Moreover, given that Ichimatsu didn’t eat anything at breakfast, he should be starving,especially for sweets.

Choromatsu makes his way over, setting a careful hand on Ichimatsu’s shoulder. He doesn’t have any more of a clue what to do than their eldest, so he’s flying by the seat of his pants just as much. Something has to be done… they can’t just let poor Ichimatsu suffer. “Ichimacchan? It’s pretty cold today. How about I turn on the kotatsu, and if you’re gonna nap, you can sleep with your legs under it? That might feel nice.”

Well. That does sound nice, Ichimatsu thinks, because curling up under the heat of the kotatsu is always nice in the winter. But… he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have the energy to even move from this spot. “Oh, yeah… I’ll probably just nap here, though. Don’t really feel like moving.”

“Aaah, but you are cold, aren’t you? I can hear your teeth chattering from all the way over here!” Karamatsu is up in an instant, tugging his leather jacket off his shoulders. Although it leaves him in nothing but a tank top ― and a horribly plain grey one, at that ― it’s a necessary sacrifice for his little brother’s comfort.

He hurries over to where everyone else is gathering and gently drapes the jacket over Ichimatsu’s shoulders. “Hmph… Karamatsu to the rescue as usual! You’re looking cozier already.”

Man,Ichimatsu’s mind comes up with, I try on Shittymatsu’s dumbass jacket one time and suddenly he’s coming up with any excuse to put the stupid thing over me. Do I really want him freezing instead of me? Why don’t I just move my ass over to the kotatsu? He’s gonna catch a cold and it’ll be all my fault because my stubborn ass didn’t move and he took pity on me.

God, I wanna die. They’re all falling all over themselves to do shit to cheer me up when they should be focusing on themselves. I’m fucking trash, making my brothers waste all their damn time on me. Why couldn’t I just do stuff and not make them worry?

“… Ichimatsu-nii-san?” Totty has plopped himself down in front of Ichimatsu, staring in concern at his big brother. Fuck. He’s using that eye voodoo of his, and if he says anything, if he asks Ichimatsu a question, he’s gonna get an honest answer despite the fact that Ichimatsu doesn’t want to admit anything.

He can’t help it, though. Totty’s hand is soft as he reaches up toward Ichimatsu’s face, thumbing away tears that Ichimatsu didn’t even realize he’d started to cry. But his youngest brother is delicate in the way he brushes them, so caring and tender that any little bit of strength Ichimatsu had to keep things hidden away crumbles quickly.

“Hehe,” Totty chuckles, though there isn’t a genuine mirth behind it, “you’re not having a good day, Ichimatsu-nii-san… are you?”

He blinks, and more tears start to drip down his cheeks. This time Totty doesn’t make a move to wipe them away, instead staring at his brother with those big, sad doe eyes, glittering with sympathy.

Ichimatsu lets his head drop again, eyes pressing against his arm and tears soaking into his sleeve. “N-no,” he manages to say in a quiet, insecure, small voice. He hates it. He hates making this stupid confession, because he should be able to take care of himself. His brothers don’t need to be huddled around him, pissing their days down the drain. “I’m… I’m having a bad day.”

With that, it’s like all five of them attach themselves to him all at once. There’s a brief cacophony of worry and reassurances, and a hug Ichimatsu almost loses himself inside of.

“Alright, you hear that, guys?” Osomatsu announces, maybe a bit louder than he really needs to. “Ichimatsu’s having a bad day! Woohoo!”

Choromatsu scoffs. “Ah, ‘woohoo’?? Osomatsu, you idiot! This isn’t a good thing!”

Osomatsu pulls away to rub a finger under his nose with a grin. “Hey, sure it is! He said it, didn’t he? Good for you, Ichimacchan! You’re having a bad day and you said so! Remember what happened when Totty kept junk from us? We need to know this shit! I’m glad you said something!”

Karamatsu’s hand tousles Ichimatsu’s hair as he pulls his brother into a hug. “Yes, Osomatsu is right. You’re having a bad day, Ichimatsu, and that’s just fine. It takes a lot of bravery to admit it, so we’re proud of you.”

“Plus, we’re gonna make this the best bad day ever!” Totty hums. He’s whipped his phone out before anyone can so much as blink, typing away on it. “It’s just about lunch time, so I’m gonna order some takeout! Ichimatsu-nii-san, what sounds good? Curry? Sushi? Ooh… maybe fried chicken? We don’t do that too often… might be a nice treat! Oh, it’s your call, though.”

Osomatsu gives Ichimatsu a tiny bump on the shoulder with his fist. “You and Totty figure that out while I go cut that imagawayaki for us. Be right back, guys.”

… Am I in the fucking Twilight Zone or something? What the hell???

Ichimatsu lifts his head just a little, looking at all his brothers. Totty’s on his phone looking at delivery options, Osomatsu is headed to the kitchen, Jyushimatsu is nuzzled against his side…

None of them are leaving him by himself. They all still want to be here even when his mood sucks ass. Even when he can’t really do anything for himself. Even when he’s being a huge fucking pain and a thorn in their sides and doing literally nothing to contribute to the day.

What the hell are they all doing? Why are they all fine with wasting their day taking care of him?

When Karamatsu presses a couple of tissues into his hand, Ichimatsu somehow finds the energy to use them to wipe his face. Fuck, he hates crying, and he hates people seeing him cry. “Don’t do this,” he mumbles. “You’re fucking morons. You have better shit to do than…”

“No way!” Jyushimatsu aggressively snuggles against the side of Ichimatsu’s stomach, circling his arms around his brother’s waist. “What better shit could weeeee have to do? We’re shitty NEETs!”

Choromatsu chuckles. “Besides, there’s literally nothing more important than taking care of each other, especially when one of us is down and out. Ichimatsu, you… know none of us are shy when it comes to being honest. So, just… try to believe us when we say there’s nothing we’d rather be doing than being with you right now.”

He straightens up, then gingerly taps Jyushimatsu with his foot. “Hey, Jyushi, how about you scoot yourself and Ichimatsu over to the kotatsu? And Totty, are you really gonna make a delivery driver come out in this weather? It’s almost below freezing! Why don’t you go get it yourself?”

“Excuse you, but if they haven’t shut down the delivery option, why shouldn’t I take advantage of it? I don’t wanna leave Ichimatsu-nii-san!”

“Okay, okay… I guess that’s fair. What are you ordering, again?”

“Aaaah, I dunno! I was waiting for Ichimatsu-nii-san to say what he feels like.”

Meanwhile, Jyushimatsu has somehow gotten himself and Ichimatsu over to the kotatsu, and is currently shoving his big brother’s legs under it while Choromatsu moves to plug it in. “Home run, YEAH! Your tootsies will be toasty in no time, Ichimatsu-nii-san!”

“O-oh… thanks, Jyushi…” That’s about all he can say, really. He’s slumped over the table in a matter of seconds, and although there’s no way it can support the weight of everything he feels like he’s being crushed under, feels a little more relaxing than holding himself in a tight ball in the corner.

He’s going to cry again. He’s pretty sure he’s going to cry again. His brothers, his selfish, douche-a-holic, demon brothers… would rather be taking care of him on a bad day than out doing their own things, not touching him or his shitty mood with a ten-foot pole.

Jyushimatsu is cuddled up on one side, and he can feel Karamatsu settling in on the other with an arm around Ichimatsu’s shoulders. That’s it. He’s surrounded by brothers and their warm, selfless-for-once-in-their-lives affection. He has to surrender. He doesn’t stand a chance.

His mind drifts back to the others. “Oh… Totty…”

“Oh! Yeah, mhm?”

“Um… curry sounds good, I guess.”

The impossibly huge smile on his youngest brother’s face comes through even when he speaks. “Oh, great! Curry it is! Okaaaay, I’m gonna get it from that nice place in town. You want it with rice or udon? Or do you want curry bread?”

“Uhh… just with rice.”

“Rice, okay, sounds good! Beef, chicken, or pork?”

“Huh… you mentioned fried chicken, now that sounds good. Does that place do curry rice with tonkatsu on top?”

“Oooh… that does sound good. Yeah, I think there’s an option for that. Chicken tonkatsu with curry rice, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Gotcha. Is that what everybody wants?”

“Yeah, Totty,” Choromatsu injects, “just order the same thing for everybody. We’ll all eat that.”

“Okay, what about sides? Does anyone want fukujinzuke or rakkyō?”

“Geez, just… just get half of each and we can divide it up if anyone wants any.”

“Okaaay! I’m not ordering drinks from there, though… too expensive. We have tea here. Oh, I’ll get a few orders of pork curry bread, too, in case we want a snack later.”

“Well, make sure you get either three or six.”

“Yeahhhh, Cherrymatsu, I’m not stupid! I’ll just get three; I’m fine buying some, but I’m not trying to go broke! Does that sound okay, Ichimatsu-nii-san? The curry bread for later?”

It takes a moment, but finally Ichimatsu lets out a breathy, almost tearful laugh as he leans against Karamatsu’s shoulder. “Totty… you’re trying to fatten me up… you witch… you’re gonna cook me and eat me… that’s your plan, huh?…”

The whole room erupts into a small fit of laughter, even Totty who’s blushing at being teased. Ichimatsu feels Karamatsu press a kiss to his head, and he sighs. Usually he wouldn’t be able to take all of this… the attention, and Totty blabbering away, and Choromatsu trying to be responsible, and… everything.

At the moment, it feels right. Like things are supposed to be this way. Like he’s supposed to be having a bad day so his brothers can all gather around him and remind him that regardless of anything else, when one of them needs their brothers, everyone is going to be there.

Maybe he needed that reminder.

Maybe they all did.

#depression tw #suicidal thoughts tw #Osomatsu san #whump #Ichimatsu #Osomatsu #Karamatsu #Choromatsu #Jyushimatsu #Totty #hurt/comfort #emotional whump #depression #caretaking #LOOK AT MY BOYS!!!! BEING GOOD BOYS #TAKING CARE OF THEIR BROTHER!!!!#y'all PLEASE SCREAM WITH ME #I love this fam so much ;-;

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senju-sekhmet · 4 years ago

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The Leash (Part 9)

Summary: Your rescue was supposed to be as smooth as these missions can be. However very quickly, Tobirama faces off against an enemy that has no form, color or smell - and time is running short, very fast. Unless he figures out what truly holds you hostage, your life will be lost. Warnings (for the finished work): Blood, illness, descriptions of heavy injuries and graphic violence, torture (both depicted and implied), needles, morally grey territory, human experimentation, panic attacks, character death, angst with a happy ending ~6000 words (this chapter, finished work: 80.000) Previous: Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6; Part 7; Part 8 Read on AO3! Disclaimer below the cut! more updates. is it really a disclaimer still, i wonder lmao

DISCLAIMER! we are nearing the grand finale of this fic!! please stick until the very end okay?! i know this chapter might be a little bit of a drag - it’ll get better, promise. <3 Other than that: enjoy my very self indulgent work, filled with my own headcanons and angst galore. Let me know what you think and thank you so much for reading!!!! ________ Leaving you had been a real test of will. Not only were you in such a deplorable state overall, but also your request - it was quite obvious you were putting on a brave face, but the truth of the matter was you weren’t faring well, at all. It was the little signs that gave you away - the slight tremor in your voice sometimes. The gallows humour. He didn’t want to think about what the withdrawal had been like for you. But he could well imagine. And as per usual, he was helpless except to unravel how to produce more of this damned leash. He couldn’t even heal you or alleviate some of your exhaustion at this point.

By the time he had reached the laboratory he was frustrated beyond measure, sick from guilt and his heart was aching that if he didn’t know better, he might as well think he was sick. He wasn’t, of course. But eliciting such bodily responses due to his emotional state was something entirely foreign to Tobirama. He was - always had been - subject to his moods, sure. And the people around him would know his sour moods, especially. But would he carelessly act on them, or physically feel them like this? No. Luckily it was the middle of the night and there had been nobody around to witness the somber scowl he was wearing. Not that he cared, anyway.

In the grand scheme of things, that was the least of his concerns.

He had contemplated testing his newest result on another prisoner, but ultimately decided against it. The best he could hope for was a prolonged time of muting the victim’s chakra. What he really needed to start working on now was to weave the second component in, the disruption. And since he had four vials available, that offered a variety of options. He’d leave one untouched, to be safe - and work on one for now to start with that.

The first problem was to imagine how he’d want the disruption to kick in. He knew from examining your blood and also the reaction you’ve shown that it took some time for the disruption to kick in. He had deduced it must be because of the chakra muting component - it covered the disruption up to leave a timeframe in which a victim was not threatened by it. When it faded, only the disruption remained, the lethal withdrawal kicked in. Therefore, the chakra needed for this would need to last longer, adhere to the victim almost like a brand and be intense enough to cause these effects. He did have a vague idea how to achieve this - but to compress it into such a small vial was… daunting.

What’s new, he somberly figured to himself.

And just as he imagined, this proved to be even more complicated than weaving the first component in. Not only did he have to treat delicately, but also be extremely careful to not destroy the structures he had worked so hard to get into that vial in the first place. He didn’t quite succeed in that - partly, the muting component took damage. The whole process felt as though he needed to weave chakra inbetween what was already in the vial - as if he was transplanting it onto the already delicate structure he had created. It was endlessly frustrating. Frankly everything about this was so demanding, at times he wondered if there really was no other option to get a cure.

Like torturing the prisoners to a maximum.

The more time he spent threading the more he became convinced there must be some trick to it. That, or it required an intense amount of training. If it was the latter, then he’d be facing a new problem.

He’d deal with that when it came to it. His plate was full as it was.

Once he got a hang of how to weave it in without wrecking the delicate structure of the first pattern, his gaze swept to the clock. It was long past midnight. Time for a small break. As much as he hated it, he didn’t want to use his clones yet again - he needed to figure this out more, firstly. If he had no real idea where to truly go with this, his clones’ works would just ramp up more exhaustion. More he needed to sleep off. Besides, this would not be so much of a break - though you were stable, he simply didn’t like the thought of leaving you alone. Not after your request - not after seeing you in your frightfully weak state. He had to check on you, as he promised.

He teleported back into your dimly lit room. Briefly, he gazed out of the window - the sky was clear, the moon shone bright and there were a million stars alongside it. It was beautiful. Silently, he walked to your bedside again to find you had your eyes closed. Finally - finally your face seemed peaceful. Gaunt, for sure, but not in pain. Tobirama settled down into his chair and laid his hand on yours, as lightly as he could to not wake you up. Very slowly he let his chakra skim over your network to find it dormant as well, pleased you still were asleep. Equally slow, he increased the connection to examine you as softly as possible. As usual, the injuries, microscopic tears, tissue damages and healing bits were too numerous to count. And there also was the general lack of reserves overall - a result from the strain put on you by the stretching of the interval no doubt. Even so, your cardiovascular situation was superior and no organ showed any sign of dysfunction. A pleasant surprise - compared to before, you were doing even better. Seems that aside from the exhaustion you had recovered well from their first stunt. He withdrew quickly before you could notice his presence and leaned back in his chair.

Had they gone by their normal schedule, you’d be left with four and a half days now. And Tobirama hadn’t even yet produced something that was anywhere near the leash. For all the grief it had put you through, it was a small victory. Admitting this felt wrong, though - despicable. It was the method. And he wasn’t sure how much time they’d gain from this, overall. His medical expertise wasn’t comparable to his brother’s, but he didn’t think you’d keep up lengthier intervals. Maybe if you’d been in peak physical condition.

He groaned slowly, rubbing a hand over his face.

Part of him didn't want to think anymore, now. He felt stretched out, thin. Spent. But of course, his mind wouldn't stop.

He vividly remembered the first time you went into withdrawal. The torment you had been going through. Just because you hadn’t been writhing or screaming now didn’t mean it was more bearable - no. You had been sedated this time. Tobirama was quite sure the whole procedure was hell for you, nonetheless, and all that kept you together was your unbreakable will to live.

If that ever faltered…

An ice-cold shiver ran down his spine. He closed his eyes. Already his heart pumped painfully against his ribcage, he had expected it. The all too familiar ache, the grief. The guilt.

I’ll take care of you. I’ll protect you.

It was all he could do. Though he caustically surmised, so far he had done a less than stellar job.

He returned to the lab as soon as his concentration felt up to the maddening task yet again. Having seen you again quite possibly helped a great deal to spur him on again despite the hour and how daunting it all felt - he just had to produce some kind of breakthrough now. He knew it. He could feel it. This is the way. He didn’t allow himself another break from the delicate weaving process until finally he inspected a vial containing both components now. Using his sensory skills he sent a weak, short-range chakra pulse through it.

The substance was not like the leash, no. If the leash was shining like a beacon, his copy was a torch, at least. It was progress, compared to the last time. He silently wondered if adding the second component had done this. Then came the next test - examining it directly. Again, the result was that his vial seemed inferior: while the chakra swirled in it in a quite complicated pattern, finely woven, he did distinguish the two different components after a little bit. The liquid made it difficult as it stayed ever in motion, but it was as though he was seeing two different colors.

It was a step forward, at least. He’d be testing this soon. Based on that - and the test subject’s blood work - he’d draw new conclusions. Still, there was more time to work on this vial further. The weaving itself was becoming something of a craft - with each moment he’d learn new tricks to it. A taxing one that seemed entirely focused on details, tiniest nudges and using small amounts of chakra at a time, but a craft nonetheless.

Had he not been so pressed for time, he might’ve actually found it interesting. But right now, all he felt was your torment breathing down his neck, wrenching his heart around and stealing his breath.

He wanted this over with.

It was early morning when he finished his work - not that he’d call it that, but he decided there was more merit to testing it out now. Even so, he’d check up on you again first. The world lurched with the use of his hiraishin seal, and a moment later he was in your room.

The first rays of dawn filtered in already, drenching the wooden hospital furniture in red hues once more. Low rustles were coming from your bed. Tobirama stepped over swiftly to find you stirring under the sheet irregularly, your head tilting from side to side. Briefly, he wondered if you were having a nightmare - but your eyes were open.

And recognizing him. “Tobirama,” you breathed, surprised.

“What’s wrong, Y/n?”, he inquired, wasting no time to step closer even, the worry already growing.

“Just … trying to get more comfortable,” you whispered, attempting a weak smile. “Looks like my strength returned a little bit more.”

He frowned slightly. “Don’t force it.” He couldn’t have prevented the sternness from seeping into his voice if he wanted to.

You sighed. “No,” a light shake of your head, “Just help me get on my side. Please?”, you extended your left hand for him to take, which he did with a small sigh. At least that way you wouldn’t try to do it yourself. And while he was extremely adamant, as Hashirama had eloquently put it, about your rest, it still tormented him to see you lacked the strength to turn on your side by yourself. Of course he knew it was common for patients in your condition - but this was you. He placed his right hand around where your hip and the small of your back would be under the blanket after his left had grasped your hand and pulled you towards him very slowly and gently so you tilted onto your side. You groaned a little, but sighed once you had adjusted to your new position.

“Thank you,” you hushed, meekly almost. The lack of strength was just as obvious to you. Tobirama took his seat at your side again and shook his head dismissively.

“Of course.” He still frowned, though. “How are you feeling?”

You closed your eyes and sighed again. “It’s… starting again. I can feel it. I’m feeling dizzy and… weaker.” Your voice shook from a slight tremble. Fear, Tobirama concluded.

He clenched his teeth and breathed through the tight feeling in his chest. “Y/n, we don’t need to stretch the interval as much-,”

“No,” you interjected firmly, eyes snapping open, giving him a sharp look. “We do. You know it. I know it.”

Now was Tobirama’s turn to close his eyes. “I don’t want you to suffer,” he whispered, his baritone voice near breaking again just from uttering these words and yet firm all the same. The tight feeling became worse

“I know,” you replied, haunted. “I know.” Your gaze was sorrowful. Knowing. Tobirama leaned forward to grasp your hand again and enclose it in his, letting his chakra coat your networks in the familiar, warm way. He didn’t know what else to do for your comfort. “Thank you,” you muttered again, forming yet another weak smile.

His head hung low as he simply basked in feeling you like this. The small nudge you were giving his sensitive network made him gasp slightly.

The moment was interrupted by the door swinging open. Tobirama’s head shot up to find his brother standing in the doorway. Looking more rested than he himself did, most likely. When he had reapplied his face paint after washing himself, there definitely had been dark rings under his eyes.

“Good morning,” Hashirama announced warmly, rounding the bed to stand beside Tobirama when he realised you were on your right side. “How are you?”

As you explained your condition to him, Tobirama gently grazed over your chakra network once more before drawing back slowly to free your hand. He’d be on his way soon, anyway.

Hashirama nodded. “Very well. I singled out a few medications that should help us stabilize you, as I mentioned. It’d be best to take them while you’re still, ah, responsive.”

“You mean when I’m not spitting it back at you?”, you deadpanned. Tobirama near froze at the image. All he could think of was how his hand had forced your mouth open, then poured the torture drug in and forcefully constricted your airway to make you swallow it.

Hashirama cleared his throat. “Well, you haven’t managed that so far.” Tobirama snorted in quite a cynical way then, earning him an arched eyebrow from you. Hashirama shot each of you a meaningful glance before continuing slowly. “Still..., it might be necessary to draw additional seals to release the medications transdermally.”

Tobirama’s head whipped to the side to stare at his brother. “That will aggravate the overload.”

Hashirama held up his hands defensively already. “The seals I have in mind for this purpose only add very, very little of the user’s chakra to the patient.” Tobirama wasn’t quite convinced yet as his scowl indicated. But then forcing things down your throat wasn’t gentle, either.

“And we’re also going to modify your nutrition, accommodating for the duress you find yourself in,” he added softly, but no less serious.

That made you snort now, but in a disgusted way. “Oh, I know what that’s going to taste like.” Every shinobi in the field on long missions knew that, in fact.

Tobirama wasn’t having any of it though. Already, he became riled up. “Y/n, we're not going to discuss-”

“I know, I know,” you already deflected exasperatedly, waving your free hand to calm him down. He leaned back in his chair then and crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow.

“Alright. Now that that’s out of the way,” Hashirama sighed, stepping closer to you. “May I?”, he extended his hand to take yours.

That was Tobirama’s clue. He wasn’t of any use here right now. He leaned closer to you yet again, expression mellowing. “I’ll be back soon, Y/n,” he promised for the lack of a better phrase. Anything else - anything mundane like ‘take care’ - just seemed wrong at this point. You nodded, trying another brave smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. Tobirama hoped his did.

He left the hospital to head straight for the interrogation and information headquarters, then, after having picked up his latest experiment with him.

It was already bustling with activity despite the early hour. Perhaps another mission finished. He didn’t dwell on it, really. Instead he headed to where he knew to find Ikuro; nodding towards the few familiar faces he made out. Apparently news about his task had made the round since nobody stopped him on his was through the small corridors past various offices. For a group that was euphemistically described as ‘interrogators’, everything seemed awfully quiet here. The walls must be thick.

Ikuro indeed was behind the desk in the sparsely decorated office that adjourned the cell block holding the six prisoners. He greeted Tobirama with the oddly warm smile and a nod. “Back again,” his voice was quiet, deceptively soft.

“Back again.” Tobirama repeated, raising an eyebrow. Exchanging pleasantries was something he really had no time for - given his - your - predicament. Any waste of time felt like a crime at this point. And then again, he never liked chitchat much. “Any news?”

Ikuro shook his head. “Not regarding your problem, I’m afraid, given we know Zenji is the only one to interrogate about that. I take it you made progress, however.”

That was unsurprising. Despite all that happened, it had only been a day. A single day. “Something to test out, yes.”

Ikuro’s smile spread slightly. Tobirama wasn’t sure how to feel about that, but quickly decided he didn’t care enough to form an opinion just yet. “There is one question though,” his smile faded. Tobirama frowned. “Now that we know Zenji is the only one who knows how to make the leash, do you want to use it on him again? I know we did the last time, however, if we permanently injure him…” He trailed off, but Tobirama well caught the implication.

He crossed his arms then. A fair point that he hadn’t considered yet. Since there were six prisoners in total, he had more than enough test subjects to choose from. But picking Zenji had the additional possible merit of gleaning more information about the leash during the interrogation, at the cost of, well, risking him. It all boiled down to whether Tobirama was confident enough in his work to not harm a person permanently, or not.

He hated it. But, “The substance I brought with me today will be more aggressive than the one I used last time. So, no. Let’s pick someone else. If it works well, we’ll focus on him again.” He was set on giving that man hell until he gave up his secrets. Or Tobirama had figured it out himself. Either way.

Ikuro nodded then. “Alright. We’ll pay a visit to Kimi.” The smile was back again.

Tobirama instead scowled, his tone was dripping with sarcasm. “Why do I get the fleeting notion that is the loony one from the far end?”

Ikuro bellowed a sudden laugh that startled him, both eyebrows rising. He wouldn’t figure this man’s humour out, really. “You are as perceptive as they say, Tobirama.” Then he rose to full size and Tobirama followed with a sigh and a roll of his eyes. The walk down the cell block was accompanied by the well-known feeling of eyes on him. Not that Tobirama cared for those, either. Except for one pair.

Zenji’s. His scarlet eyes darted to the side when they passed the middle cell. Tobirama was satisfied to find his black-bruised jaw was swollen. The look the man gave him was nothing short of hateful. He never broke his stride and followed Ikuro, surprised Zenji didn’t holler anything after him. Perhaps the jaw just hurt too much, hm.

Finally they reached Kimi’s cell. Like all the others, she also was chained up and sealed away. Her gaze seemed empty, staring a hole into the ceiling. That would soon change, Tobirama knew. Ikuro unlocked the cell. “Kimi,” he greeted warmly, like she was a friend.

“Go fuck yourself,” she shot back instantly but perfectly nonchalant. Tobirama’s eyebrows shot up. So much for friends. Her blue eyes locked with Tobirama’s. “Oh,” suddenly, her tone was infused with a shrill kind of adoration. “A high visitor!” Tobirama had to refuse the urge to cover his ears. “Tell me, tell me,” she chanted, swinging back and forth in the chains that held her. “How’s Y/n, how is she? Mhm?”, she exposed surprisingly bright teeth in a grotesque smile.

Tobirama didn’t even find her worth talking to; he could only roll his eyes and sigh exasperatedly. Enemies like this he knew to take serious - erratic behaviour covered up some of the most impressive techniques. But this wasn’t a fight. And he wasn’t about to try and converse with the likes of her. Not even in a cynical banter. He gazed at Ikuro. “Shall we?”

Kimi moaned loudly. “Awh, come on!”, it was an obscenely wanton sound. “Gimme a shred, please, please, please? I’m missing Y/n so, so much!”

Tobirama started to wonder if he had to break another jaw here. The ire that started to burn in his veins again surely provided enough fuel. His head tilted forward slightly as his stare narrowed, darkening.

Ikuro was already next to Kimi, shaking his head. He must’ve guessed at Tobirama’s thoughts - not that his body language wasn't enough of a giveaway.

Kimi wasn’t helping her situation. “Tobirama Senju doesn’t find me worth talking tooo!”, she screamed then in a most offended way, loud enough for probably everyone in this building to hear. Not that she was wrong in any way. This woman would be better off without her vocal chords.

“Kimi,” Ikuro began, still sugary sweet. “You’re going to help us a little.” His hand seized the back of her head already, grasping her brown hair firmly.

She stiffened immediately, but the smile that spread over her lips now was nothing short of malicious. Typical, Tobirama figured - completely mad behaviour, but far from idiotic. “Oh.” It was a sharp sound. “My turn to get your itty-bitty-wannabe-leash?”

Tobirama’s mien remained completely impassive. “Are you going to open your mouth or are we going to have to force you, like your compatriot?”, entirely unfazed by threatening her with violence.

Not that she was fazed, either. And smart enough to know better than to put up a fight now. “I always wanted to taste the stuff, mhm,” she tried to nod her head, but Ikuro’s grip was iron already. “No need to break my jaw like dumb Zenji’s. Show me what y’got, Tobirama Senju, show me,” she then moaned again, lasciviously almost.

Tobirama’s lips drew into a disgusted scowl. “Good grief, how do you work with these people,” he scoffed. Ikuro was grinning widely. “I should’ve picked Zenji,” he added almost inaudibly. Kimi opened her mouth wide and stuck her tongue out, licking over her lower lip in distasteful ways. Still, he didn’t trust her for one second. And the contents of this vial were too precious for this maniac to spit back at him, which he was sure she would. His free hand seized her jaw tightly so that if she bit down, she’d seriously injure her cheeks. Kimi already spluttered. The moment Tobirama felt she wanted to speak more, he simply applied more pressure. He had enough of this nutcase.

Swiftly, he poured the contents of his vial into her mouth and in a well practiced move pressed down harshly on her nose and mouth to force her to swallow. Her eyes became glassy - luckily, he had been wise enough to keep her mouth shut, because he was perfectly sure she’d have licked his hand or done something equally disgusting had he not.

Not that much was needed. Obediently, she swallowed.

Followed by a shrill scream. Tobirama’s patience was a candle that burned on both ends at this point. He didn’t even put it past Kimi that this was precisely what she was aiming for but by all that he believed in, it worked. The woman let out a heavy tirade of sexually loaded metaphors about what she was seeing and feeling that might have turned a more innocent person bright red on the spot.

It elicited nothing but fast growing annoyance out of Tobirama, however. And Ikuro was grinning as he closed his eyes. He gave him a dark glare. The man had known, for sure. This better yielded good results. When he reached for her throat to examine her, his hand grasped so tightly Kimi’s voice got stuck in its tracks and all that remained was a small rivulet of obscenities at Ikuro, who had begun to invade her mind again. Squeaks, no more.

Much more bearable.

Now to examine her. He made no effort to be gentle about this whatsoever. Ikuro’s work was marvellous as before. Unsurprisingly, Kimi’s mental defense was nothing short of impressive. Perhaps Tobirama was imagining it, but Ikuro’s methods seemed different here - more brutal. More smothering. Akin to what he had done to Akio - less thought to the risk he was running. Was Ikuro himself fed up with her? The thought darkly amused Tobirama.

Kimi stayed completely stable throughout the whole procedure. Her chakra flow was almost as muted as yours was after indigestion of the leash, however it picked up again during the session. Tobirama had expected it, but with the additional experience in the whole weaving process, it gave him clues on how to improve on that. Briefly he stopped monitoring her to take a blood sample. Not an easy task as there was no patch of skin exposed save for her neck and head, so he had to go for the jugular artery as the veins would be collapsed. It bore a slight risk - but none that Tobirama even cared about. Unceremoniously he stabbed the needle in where he felt the pulse after having released his choke hold on her throat - an opportunity she used to gargle out profanities at both him and Ikuro, but the mental assault heavily impaired her ability to form coherent sentences. What was coherent by her standards anyway, Tobirama figured. After he had gotten what he needed from her neck, he continued to monitor her. The half-frozen state of her chakra remained steady for a while before it dropped more.

Ikuro began to retreat then, slowly.

“Wait,” Tobirama instructed. His presence lingered then, still keeping Kimi in a mental choking hold.

As her chakra became less and less mute, the disruption kicked in more. And with it, for the first time there seemed to be genuine distress in the prisoner, indicated not by crude insults, but a genuine groan of pain.

“Interesting,” Tobirama muttered, smugly, almost. Kimi whimpered while Tobirama took time to thoroughly investigate how her chakra tried to repel his disruption, over and over again - and each time, the reaction became worse for it, accompanied by a never ending stream of pained expressions. Watching the agony unfolding inside of her.

He felt no satisfaction, no. But he was pleased. A success, finally.

After a while of monitoring, he took another blood example. Ikuro was frowning now. “I’m not sure how much more she’ll take, mentally,” he announced.

“Well, physically, she’s well off. I won't say anything about her mental state, that has been debatable to begin with," Tobirama grunted. This was nothing compared to what you went through. The plight they ultimately had put you in.

Ikuro withdrew then, but Tobirama had to stay. After all, the disruption first had to fade at some point. He knew it would - this wasn’t the leash, yet . But it was the right way. Slowly, Kimi’s body started to clear out the disruptive components alongside her chakra - another fascinating realisation that was different to when he had examined you. In you, the leash stuck - no matter how much your unmuted chakra and body battled it, it just kept on disruption and repelling it, thus causing the detrimental health effects. But Kimi’s cleared Tobirama’s out.

He withdrew then. Ikuro raised an expectant eyebrow. “She will be fine,” Tobirama announced, turning on his heels to leave the cell. He had new material to work with.

Ikuro followed swiftly after locking the cell containing the now limp Kimi.

The glare Zenji gave Tobirama now was decidedly murderous. Tobirama grinned back, darkly. Arrogantly. Zenji might as well know he was on their heels. His threats have not been empty. He almost had passed the cell, when Zenji’s strained voice echoed through the cell block: “Four more days, Tobirama fucking Senju,” the pain was obvious. Good. Nobody had healed the fracture, then. “Don’t think for a second you’re anywhere near perfection yet! Y/n’s gonna die so fucking miserably!”

Tobirama kept on walking, ignoring the new flare of ire in his veins. The urge to turn on his heels and break his jaw in new ways. Hell, rearrange his damned face. No, Zenji was beneath him he kept telling himself as he ground his teeth so hard his own jaws hurt. Back in the office, Ikuro closed the door. “I’m impressed, Tobirama.” His gaze was appreciative. For a split second, he believed this to be about reigning his temper in and was about to reply in a most impolite way to such a condescending remark, but he quickly realised this was not the case.

“Thanks.” Try as he might, he couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice. The praise for his work was hollow when he reminded himself why he was doing this - and that it was far from perfect yet. “I’ll be back soon. I trust you didn’t learn anything pertaining to my task?”, not that he thought so, but he had to ask anyway.

“Sadly, no. It was a fruitful session, especially considering it was Kimi, but it seems Zenji’s slip up was not a false lead. She really does not seem to know about the leash’s creation.” Then, he frowned. “But, she adamantly guarded anything relating to the leash. Perhaps there is more to glean from her.

Tobirama’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Well, then we know to build up more pressure.”

Ikuro nodded, surprisingly somber now. “Indeed. I’ll inform you if anything from the other prisoners might come up.”

Tobirama bowed slightly. “Thank you.” Ikuro was a good man to work with.

A second later, the world lurched and the hiraishin seal transported him back to your room, where the little victory he celebrated dissipated swiftly.

The mood was dreary - and the innate hum he felt due to his sensory skills had picked up from the last time. It could only mean one thing. By now it was high noon and the sun’s light reflected off of the room’s pale furniture. Hashirama’s back was turned to him but the blanket was pushed aside - revealing your marred legs. On them, more seals, which he couldn’t make out precisely at this distance. Instantly, Tobirama rounded your bed swiftly, to find Hashirama working on the heart seal. Still, he couldn’t help but gasp when he saw your whole form revealed like this: a shadow of your former self and almost no part of you that didn’t bear a barely healing mark of torture. It didn’t deter him from analysing the situation, but it’d never fail to drive a proverbial blade through his heart.

Your breaths were quick and shallow again and Tobirama was sure to hear a rumble in there. Not good. Your lung was affected. Combined with the fact your body definitely was paler than before and the sheen of sweat that covered your skin, the situation was obvious. You didn’t move - and in your face, the grimace of pain was etched into your skin.

It was worse than before. And they hadn’t stretched the interval as much as before, yet.

Hashirama’s gaze swept up to him when he had finished what Tobirama guessed was strengthening the seal that supported your heart. His mien was grave. “We can’t wait much longer.” He gave Tobirama a quick rundown of what had happened: the withdrawal had kicked in again as before, but the symptoms developed faster, and more severe. As he had guessed, your lung was starting to suffer damage not just on the slight, microscopic level Tobirama had witnessed during the first stretch but in a greater margin. Your cardiovascular system required more support as your heart struggled, too. He still hadn’t intervened directly, yet.

Tobirama swallowed finally and nodded and nodded. Then, he looked down on your legs. Each bore another seal meant for transdermal release of the agents the seal in the middle was soaked in. “You drew more seals?” he inquired, terse again.

“We had to,” Hashirama explained, his hand back on your arm and his eyes closed. “Her lucid intervals are too short to ensure her taking the medication by herself. This is more effective and safer.”

“Safer?”, Tobirama shot back, sternly. “There are six seals on her now. Which means we barely have any room for additional chakra based options, if any, without overloading her.”

Hashirama clicked his tongue. “I am well aware, Tobirama,” a slight hint of strain had snuck into his voice now. But instead of angering him, it did the opposite - Tobirama realised how serious your condition was for his brother to even let a sliver of exasperation slip into his tone. And besides. He didn’t say any more.

All they were doing here - it was all dangerous. Too dangerous. They were running into dead ends, either way - be it the leash or the withdrawal of it. And to make you suffer, for a few precious hours? Tobirama swallowed hard against the shortness of breath that gripped this thorax tightly suddenly. “Anjia, I don’t think we should continue. Y/n is suffering and I -,” he swallowed again as his scarlet gaze swept to your face and the hurt in his heart was near unbearable again, “I cannot condone this.”

Hashirama’s eyes flew open and he gave Tobirama a deep frown. “She doesn’t want us to stop. So don’t.”

His gaze wandered to his brother, frowning himself now. “If she dies from the withdrawal, then it was pointless,” he nearly growled, voice stern again, if just to cover up for the gaping hole that the ache was boring into his chest in a most agonizing way.

“She’s not dying. Have more faith in me, Tobirama - and most importantly, her,” he gazed back at you then, voice becoming softer, fonder. Tobirama would never fail to be amazed by his brother’s optimism.

In a very sarcastic way.

“I’m not doubting you or her, anija,” and the sheer notion of him doing so did well enough to distract him from the terrible heartache simply for how furious it made him, “What I am doubting is what we’re up against - effects of something I haven’t fully understood yet or been able to recreate!”

Hashirama took a sharp breath. “On the other hand, we can evaluate her condition, react accordingly and adjust the figurative sails. We will not run a risk. You said so yourself. That, we do know.”

Tobirama looked back on your tormented form. Then he closed his eyes slowly. He hated it - he hated all of this - but he knew, deep down, he knew it - they’d need to continue down the path they had chosen. All of this - it would end soon. Either way. All he could do was to ensure it ended favourably, swiftly. And for as long as it lasted he’d need to remind himself of the promise he had made to you. No matter what. If Hashirama found your condition stable enough to continue - he’d trust him. He had no other choice but to.

“How much longer until the next dose?”, Tobirama asked then, the numb feeling spreading again. He welcomed it. The numbness muted all of the grief, of the ache. His focus returned.

“Not much. Might as well prepare it.” Hashirama instructed, politely refraining from commenting on Tobirama’s falter further.

He nodded and made for doing just that. Not twenty minutes later, they administered it - again, you were stirring from the force with which Tobirama had to pry your mouth open to pour the hated liquid in. The pained way in which you groaned echoed quietly in the sparsely furnitured room as he focused on not spilling a drop while gripping your jaw with vice strength again and holding it open. Uttering apologies he knew you couldn’t hear but he made nonetheless. After he made you swallow it you stilled again.

It had whatever brief respite - if it could’ve been called that - they had gained by stretching the intervals and thus making for more time null. Impressively, it had been shown you paid the price in proverbial blood and if it continued, literal blood might follow.

Tobirama’s only rest would be when he literally crashed, now.

#tobirama #tobirama senju #tobirama x reader #tobirama senju x reader #sekhmet writes

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minniewoos · 5 years ago

Text

By the Stars ➣ Bang Chan

Genre: dystopian au, angst

Word count: 6,014

Warnings: terminal illness, prescription drug abuse, a moody Minho

Summary: The people of Mars live under constant surveillance and constant control; living in awful polluted conditions. Your brother, Jeongin, is sick. To save him you try to escape to Earth, your friend Chan helps you along the way.

The planet breathes smoke and fire.

Smog drifted up in thick, ashen pillars; hundreds of stacks ascending up towards the duel moons. Pinkish ruby skies were dulled to a cinnabar hue, poisoned from the constant outpour of smoke. Exhaust from the pristine cubes dotting the surface of the planet, between the small humble neighborhoods, large, off-white buildings whose purpose was for the ultimate happiness of humanity. People called those buildings the Cubes. It was considered a pleasure to work in them, for them, and for the human race, and you’re reminded of it every time you walk past. “LIVE TO SERVE” was embossed on every one of them. You served humanity, at least the portion who lived on Earth. The Cubes cranked out mass productions of illustrious, high-end products for the people of Earth to use or consume. It was the highest-ranking job on the planet aside from being a part of the royal court.

What is this planet? Well, its called it Mars. Colonized long ago by earthen prisoners. By people who were on death row because of their horrid crimes. Sent here to perform hard labor until their inevitable deaths. Those were your ancestors. But well…that was centuries ago, there have been many generations since the first colonies. Now, you were technically Martians but not really aliens. You were certainly human, and the only purpose in life was to produce luxury products for the people of Earth. But most people don’t seem to mind, this is all you’ve ever known. What a life.

There was constant smoke in the air due to the uncontrolled pollution, and it was the worst down in the trenches. A couple hundred feet below the surface, you lived in these canyons where the sun was hardly seen. And at night when curfew was enforced and the lanterns were blown out, these trenches were like an abyss. Impossible to see and impossible to escape. This is where the poorer citizens lived, aka, you.

But you’re probably the only one who thought of it that way. To your neighbors and friends, it was only a place to sleep before they woke up once more and continued their daily schedules. Your face twisted in disgust at the thought, none of them had a single idea or feeling of their own. And you know it’s not their fault; their heads were dulled with meds while their thoughts were constricted by the constant business your schedules demanded. It was near impossible to think, especially when the king tells everybody what to think. People don’t just live by what he says, they revere him and the people of Earth. It made you sick. It was brainwashing and it was effective.

Your eyes wandered towards the planet’s two moons. The rising Phobos and then to Deimos, as they rise and fall the red skies turn blue before shifting to black. It’s beautiful. But a shame the sight was being choked by the ash in the air, grey specks floating in the sky like always. It was still so ugly, like the black clouds spewing from the Cubes. The nasty pollution was suffocating the once beautiful planet.

“CURFEW IN TEN. I REPEAT, CURFEW IN TEN.” Several guardians stationed around this area of the trenches announced at once, cold mechanic voices resounding off the canyon walls. Their eyes started flashing red to signal the urgency of it, while yours just turned away from them. Guardians, ugly, metallic creatures were basically soldiers who controlled every aspect of life; people were under constant surveillance. It was suffocating. A few stragglers like you were finishing up their tasks and rushing into their homes. And at about five minutes before curfew, everyone’s wrist would start flashing, the last warning.

You sighed as you turned back towards your wagon. You unhooked it from your bike and collected your supplies, the things you didn’t sell, and the things you bought. When you walked inside, you were greeted by the dull lantern light and your brother already lying in his sheets, coughing up a lung. He was only a few years younger than you and the only family you had left. And ever since he came down with sickness, life got much harder and you became the main breadwinner.

“Y/n, you come home later every day.”

A weak smile, “Yea, I know. I’m sorry, Jeongin, but we can’t afford more time.”

“No, I’m sorry. Right now I’m just a burden.” He sat up, coughing as he did so. He shook his head, “I can’t work anymore and I know it’s hard to provide me.”

“Jeongin.” You turned towards him, a serious look settled on your face. “You will never be a burden on me. You are my little brother and I have no problem looking out for you. Come on, lay back down, you know how the guardians get with curfew.”

While putting the supplies away before bed, you tossed the useless meds in the disposal, just as you had been doing for the past several nights. Since you’ve been doing that, your mind cleared up immensely and it was like a blessing. Since then, Jeongin stopped taking the required meds and he’s come to notice more things as well. You’ve both agreed that the meds were given by the king to fog the citizens’ heads to prevent a revolution. But you do try to help his illness, a lung disease caused by the mass pollution on the planet; unfortunately the king provides the medicine for that too, and it doesn’t seem to be helping Jeongin. You’ve known many people to contract the disease, and the survival rate: 5%. Sighing sadly, you finish your nightly routine and make sure to shut the blinds in your tiny, three-room home. You blow the lanterns out, shading the small house in darkness so the Guardians don’t come by. You lay your head on your pillow and your mind went blank, peace.

Exactly 9 hours later, it was morning, you yawned and leaned your head against the wall of your small, wooden stall, stocked with daily portions. If people could afford them, they came and ate, if they couldn’t, then they worked more to afford the food. Another day out working and nothing’s changed with everything relatively the same, except right now, Chan stopped by. A kind boy who worked in the repair shop next door, he visited your food stall often. He gets hungry often, so sometimes you’d slip him an extra ration when you could afford it. You’ve been friends for a while, which you’re glad for. It’s hard to make friends when all you do it eat, sleep, and work. You wake up, leave the trenches, work on the surface, and then go back home to the trenches; so a friend livens up the day. Especially a friend like Chan, who is truly one of a kind. Even when everybody in this society is dulled by the meds, Chan’s light somehow shines through. It’s hard to explain, but he stuck out and was certainly a sight for sore eyes. So you try to make time in the schedules, and it’s easier since he works next door to your rickety food cart.

“You’ve been tired lately, why? Maybe you need a stronger prescription.” Chan’s eyebrows furrowed slightly as he bit into his lunch ration for the day. You frown at the mention of the medication, medication you’ve stopped taking.

You paused for a moment, then shook your head, “No, that’s not it. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

“Is it Jeongin?”

You nod, a slight irritation bubbling inside of you, “His meds for Soot Lung haven’t helped at all, and then why would the king or the guardians care about him? He’s only a vendor’s sister, barely out of school now. You have no idea how many letters I sent the palace begging for help. Begging Chan. But nothing will change because everything is contaminated on this stupid planet, we can’t even breathe properly!” You slammed a fist down, shifting everything in your little stall. You couldn’t care less, but as for Chan, he gave you a look like you just talked back to the king himself. “What, why do you look so worried?”

“You’re being really emotional,” he stood up and looked down at you, concern written on his face, “are you sure you’re okay. You’ve been acting weird lately anyway.“

You stared at him for a moment, then on a whim, in your lowest voice, you uttered to him, “Do you trust me.”

“What?”

“Do you trust me?”

Chan’s Adam’s apple dipped and he took a shaky breath before nodding, a sure and absolute nod. You purse your lips, you trusted Chan, of course you did. Without him, you wouldn’t know where you would be. He and Jeongin were the only things that were able to bring a smile to your face. Emotions were something undeniably human, and they were being suppressed by the king; without the meds, people would be able to live freely, to think freely. You wanted Chan to experience the same sense of freedom as you have discovered. Your hesitance came with what Chan would think. Chan, just like everyone else, was a slave to this society. Everyone had to work, everyone had to worship the king, and everyone had to think the same. You were the outlier here, but you clasped his hands in yours and looked at him pleadingly.

“Then, my good good friend, please stop taking the meds. Just trust me and for one week…throw them in the disposal. And nobody will know.” You squeezed his hands in yours, from across your stall, and looked at him with a fire he’s probably never witnessed in a single person before. “It’s-It’s like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, like a lock was broken and I can finally express myself. These emotions I’m feeling, they were amplified by ten…! It feels freeing in a way. Those meds suppress us, and they’re used to control us. And sometimes, like now, I want the people around me to experience these emotions as well…”

Chan eyed your face for any sign of lies or jests. And when he found none, his eyes turned fearful, “Y/n…you know that we live to serve the people of Earth. Those emotions you’re feeling are not for us. They aren’t for us as they weren’t for our ancestors.”

“Just one week,” you insisted, your voice low once more, “Try it for one week. Our ancestors’ faults should not be our own. Will you do it?”

Chan paused for one half of a moment, a half a moment of deep thought, then nodded. You took his hand in yours and grinned, as did he. The thought of Chan choosing you, made you overwhelmingly happy. Because as of now, he gave you hope.

∎∎∎

It’s been several nights since then, and you’ve come up with a thought. A crazy, impossible, and life-threatening thought. One purely for Jeongin.

You will go to Earth.

Earth, as you’ve heard, was clean. The sky was a beautiful blue hue. You could breathe and your lungs don’t turn black, you could look up and the sky was clear, and you could even drink from the rivers! Everything was clean on Earth. The air on Earth could clean your brother’s lungs; as you’ve heard, the air itself could heal the planet’s infamous Soot Lung. Soot Lung was very common on the planet, and you’re not sure how many die from it, but Jeongin isn’t going to be one of them. You told Jeongin a couple days ago, and he agreed; you presented the idea to Chan the day after, and he also agreed. Seemingly much more determined and motivated lately, the change was nice, but much more sudden then you expected.

And today between work and curfew, you had only an hour, you would visit a dock worker called Minho. A friend of Chan’s, apparently. And Chan said he’s been a smuggler for a while; never explicitly explained to him, but Chans not dumb, he found it obvious. Jeongin’s condition was worsening by the day and you didn’t have much time left. His breathing was short and faint. If only time had a price, you’d be willing to pay anything for that. But for now, you can only race time. And by the stars, you were sprinting for your lives.

“Are you Minho?” you asked a guy hauling a crate to the end of a dock, he was stocking a shipment to Earth. The massive ship settled at the edge of it, doors open, ready to be filled.

The docks were not by water or contained the boats used on Earth. Mars has no need for large bodies of waters, or rains, or any precipitation. The only snow you receive is the dusty, black, yet gentle ash floating in the atmosphere. Instead, the docks were filled with large spaceships ready for takeoff into the cosmos. And the dock workers simply loaded the shipments up and sent the valuable goods off to Earth. But, if you were clever, you could take advantage of the low-ranking job and smuggle a thing or two to make some extra cash. Maybe a couple tablets of Ecstasy or a bottle of Pleasure, whatever it takes to live a bit comfier. Some even snuck people onto the ships to go to Earth, those were the people with nothing to lose…or a death wish. Of course, if you get caught, you disappear immediately. The king had a no tolerance policy with this planet.

But as you surveyed this guy in front of you, a man in his early twenties at best, you wouldn’t have had the tiniest suspicion he’d be involved in such illegal activities. He looked virtually harmless with a fair complexion and a small, round face. He was a dock worker and lugged boxes and crates all day, but he was slim and lean, not at all what you expected from a supposed smuggler. But to his credit, his eyes were sharp, steely, and wise; it gave you some comfort in the reliability he exuded.

“What about it?” he snapped at me, and you were taken aback by the harshness. The tone contradicting his soft features.

“Chan told me about you, we want to make it to Earth-”

“Shut it!” He slaps a hand over your mouth before you could continue, “If you want to leave, the dock is the last place to talk about this. There are guardians everywhere.”

You pulled his hand off your mouth, “Fine, when can we talk?”

He scowled, “Depends on the pay and if you’re dumb or not. But guessing from your introduction, you’re not the brightest.”

Your bit back a retaliation and pulled out your bag of coins, “This is all I have, please my brothers really sick.”

Minho only scoffed, “That’s not enough for a tablet of Ecstasy. This whole crate is worth more than your life. Come back when you’re not going to waste my time.” he turned his back to you. He continued to haul the crates onto the ship. You felt the blood rushing to your face; you couldn’t tell if that meant anger or embarrassment, but you knew you didn’t like it.

“Then how bout this?” A bag full of coins was thrown at Minho’s feet, probably valued over thrice the amount you offered. And it was Chans. you turned around and almost yelled at him, but you held back to try to keep control. So you simply asked, “Why are you here?”

“I’m the one who recommended him to you, you think I’m not going too?” Chan said, undeniably sure of himself. He worked a higher-paying job than you, and didn’t have to spend as much. It only made sense for him to have more money than you did, but it wasn’t as much as the people who worked in the Cubes made. And even though he was your good friend, you didn’t want him going and risking his life.

You could feel the blood rising again, there was no way you’d let yourself be the reason for a possible death. And death was very possible. If Chan died, you’d have that guilt on your shoulders forever. You didn’t care about yourself; this was for Jeongin, and this is your last resort. Meanwhile, Minho looked from coins to Chan, a look of contemplation on his face.

“Fine, but the only reason I’m taking you is because of Chan; I can do it.” Minho said, picking up the bag of coins. He side-glanced you, “And he seems to have some common-sense.”

“Thanks, Minho, we won’t be a problem.” Chan said gratefully, a small smile curving the corners of his lips.

“I believe you won’t be the problem,” Minho said harshly then nodded at you, “don’t let them ruin this.”

Chan looked at you, then only nodded towards Minho.

“Now get out of here before we all disappear.”

You huffed on the way home to the trenches with Chan, he only snickered at you; he was amused. You sent a displeased look his way and crossed your arms. You and Chan fell into step together over the red terrain and under your setting sun. The normally red skies began fading to a light, beautiful blue hue as your sun was going to sleep. It was a beautiful sight. Still, simultaneously and wordlessly, you quickened your pace, dreading the possibility of being late to curfew. You and Chan were virtually alone on the quaint road; although there were a couple other stragglers and a few guardians stationed at their posts, It felt as though you were the only two people at this moment. It was then where he nudged your hand with his before slipping it into yours, lacing and locking your hands together. Although a simple moment, a walk home at sunset, your chest bloomed and warmed as a certain feeling spread throughout it. It was cozy, and snug, and secure, and- and safe. In that moment, a feeling you can’t recall experiencing before; many feelings you hadn’t experienced before. You glanced at Chan, and so did he; you squeezed his hand fondly, and so did he.

It was quiet the rest of the walk, but peaceful. Then you arrive at the trench entrance, a rickety old lift that carried passengers to the bottom. Before you let go of his hand to board the creaky lift, you had a sudden urge. You began to get nervous and shy, blood rushed to your cheeks and they became red; it was an unusual feeling you had. You never felt it before, but the more you stared at Chan, the more nervous you became. You unconsciously swallowed. And before the uncomfortable feeling became any stronger, you suddenly leaned in closer, placing a kiss against his lips. It was impulsive and spontaenous but spoke things that words couldn’t.

Shock and a stillness, but Chan soon reciprocated and kissed back as that feeling from before exploded in your chest. And it only elevated as Chan wrapped his arms around your waist to keep you close. It felt unreal, and kind of magical. It was only when you pulled away that you realized what you were feeling, it was love.

You’ve only ever heard of the feeling, and you’ve certainly loved before, but it wasn’t as intense and raw as this moment. And as you looked at Chan, his eyes said the same thing. His cheeks were blushing red and it was like he couldn’t take his eyes off of you.

“Chan…” You whispered, his shirt in your clenched hands, not wanting to let go.

“…yes?”

“I-” you paused, but only for a second, “I love you.”

The smile that broke across his face could only be described as warm, loving, and very very happy. His arms tightened around you and he pulled you into a hug, resting his chin on you. “I love you too, y/n. God, I’ve never felt this happy before.”

“Me too,” You smiled joyously.

After another moment together, you said your farewells and waved goodbye as the lift descended. The reluctance to say goodbye was clear, but it was necessary. The Guardians were strict. And Chan didn’t live in the trenches, he lived above ground. Better conditions but less freedom, if any.

“Get home safe.” You called out to him, and he smiled at you.

∎∎∎

It was five days, five days with absolutely no word from Chan. He hasn’t been at work; he hasn’t been seen or heard of from anybody. And your mind could only go to the worse. You made him late for curfew. That had to be the reason. And just thinking about that made your heart sink. If the guardians caught Chan then, who knows what they would do to him; they would find out he wasn’t taking his meds and the punishment for that is… You shook your head, but the thoughts still didn’t disappear. It devastated you, Chan has become a part of your daily routine and not seeing him for days worried you to no end, especially after what happened.

But you still planned on making it to Earth with Jeongin. He’s been overcome by lassitude for a while now, and you can’t wait any longer. No matter how much it broke you.

“Hey- Y/n.” you heard Jeongin say weakly.

“Oh, yes?”

“When are we going to Earth? Where’s that guy you spoke of.”

“We’re leaving soon, I talked and arranged everything. And…” you tried swallowing a lump in your throat, then a voice crack, “I… I don’t know. Jeongin, I have no idea where he is.”

“Did you treasure him…?” Meekly and innocently, Jeongin looked at you, his wide eyes bright as he already knew the answer. But the simple inquiry was enough to set a switch off; everything inside yourself you tried to compose leaked out.

Your eyes began to burn as tears welled up and brimmed on your eyes. You sniffed, took a great, shaky breath in, then out. You looked at Jeongin, a pained smile etched itself onto your face, he’s the only one you have now. Your beloved little brother, and even he’s about to be taken right from you if you don’t act soon.

“That man’s name was Chan, and-and he was warm and kind and gentle. He was smart, too; he might not have looked like it though. He took care of me when I refused to take care of myself…and I like to think I did the same for him. Chan was my only friend on our planet. Our ugly, vile, corrupt planet filled to the brim with depravity.” Before you knew it, your despair over Chan soon morphed into a wave of anger over the foul system that took him from you.

“With a king who treats us like cogs in a machine; slaves to him and slaves to Earth. And the worst of it, nobody else sees the awful state they are forced to be in. Meds meds meds. They pump fog into your mind and force meaningless smiles onto your faces; a fake contentedness that’s truly quite eerie. A planet full of suppressed emotions; there exists no anger, no love, no hope, no sorrow. No nothing! Nothing! We are thrown into schooling as soon as possible to only learn to be servants. Well, I don’t want to be a servant! I want these emotions, no matter how painful I want to feel. Jeongin, in school, you learned about emotions the people on Earth feel, right? Well, without the goddamned meds, we feel those as well; that’s what they don’t teach you huh.” you laughed bitterly; you frantically tapped your fingers against your table.

The king throws all the children into school at around four years old, and I’ve heard it’s younger if you live in the upper classes. But all they do is teach you how to “live to serve.” They show the history of your planet and the superiority the people of Earth have over us due to your ancestors’ faults. That’s the only story your children will ever hear, it’s drilled into you. Your children never get approbation or praise for any achievements made; they don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve the luxury of fables or fairy tales, that’s reserved for the people of Earth. At the age of sixteen, you’re assigned a role to play in society and thrown out into the world. And you were assigned to be a simple vendor. A measly food vendor to sell small rations to those who could afford it. Jeongin, while having a better job than you, still didn’t get paid much as an entertainer for the royal court. He used to sing for them and they loved his unique voice, how ironic he contracted Soot Lung.

You sighed and helped Jeongin stand up, he leaned against you, “Okay Jeongin, we’re going now.”

“Y/n,” He coughed before leaning against you once more for support, “We will get through this together. You are one of the strongest people I know. You’re my big sister. There’s nothing you can’t do.”

Jeongin flashed his bright signature smile, a smile that never failed to brighten your mood. And you smiled back with his words, words that gave you confidence. You made your way to the docks, determined to keep Jeongin safe.

When you arrived at the meeting spot near the docks but away from prying eyes, you were surprised to see two other people there with Minho. They were a couple, a boy and a girl. You looked at Minho inquisitively.

“Don’t give me that look, you’re all going to Earth. Just follow my instructions, and don’t be dumb.” He announced to you, glanced at Jeongin, then added, “I’ll be joining this time.”

“You’re going too?“

Minho nodded, “We all have our reasons to escape this hell. I’m going to take these two to a separate ship, it may take a while so just wait here in the meantime.”

You nodded and so did Jeongin, but before he left, he paused and turned to you specifically.

“I’ll send Chan over to you to wait with you. Okay?” Minho whispered, as casual as he could be, as if it were no big deal to you. But your eyes nearly bugged out of your head with how wide they got, the news was sudden and completely unexpected. You went into this believing Chan was unreachable, taken away from you by the Guardians. But here Minho was, Chan’s friend, telling you that Chan was alive?

“Wh-what?” you stammered dumbly.

“I’m sending Chan over.” Minho repeated, starting to get annoyed.

“He’s okay? Really? I haven’t seen him in days, oh god, I was so worried. Minho, are you being serious?” You rambled on, the anxiety from missing Chan was being let go now.

“Yes.” Minho snapped, “Now be quiet and stay here. Nobody will find you guys. And Chan can explain things to you.”

And with that Minho left with the other two stowaways, and you huffed, slightly annoyed by his snappy attitude. But that was quickly forgotten at the thought of seeing Chan again.

Jeongin smiled as the two of you sat in a small hidden space, “Now I get to see that boyfriend of yours.”

A blush crawled up your neck and your glared at Jeongin, embarrassed, “He’s not my boyfriend, come on, don’t tease me.”

“Ah but you’re blushing y/n.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It doesn’t?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Ah shut up!”

Jeongin’s devilish smile was back and you were pouting at him, he never let the opportunity to tease you go. You shook your head at him and was thinking of something to say when Jeongins smile dropped a slightly, but then came back brighter than before. You figured he found pleasure in your suffering.

“What do you think of Chan?” He asked, his eyes wandering to look behind you.

“Ah come on, you know the answer to that already Jeongin, stop teasing.” You whined, and then followed his gaze and looked behind you. Your breath seemed to halt. Because there stood Chan, a smile on his face as you locked eyes with him. You mirrored him and stood up immediately. Relief flooded through you to see him for yourself, “You’re okay!”

“Of course I am, you can’t get rid of me that easy.” He smiled, and opened his arms to hug you, which you gladly accepted and practically tackled him in a hug. But he barely budged and just wrapped his arms around you and a big, comforting embrace. You rested your head on him, closing your eyes and smiling in that moment.

“I missed you.”

“It’s only been a few days.”

“Yea, but I still missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“Yuck.” Jeongin had enough of the very visible displays of cheesy affection from you two and audibly voiced his distaste. “Not in front of me please.”

You looked at Jeongin and stuck your tongue out at him childishly, mocking him. He just mirrored your actions, mocking you. Meanwhile, Chan laughed softly, humored by the sibling interactions. You suddenly realized, this is Chans first time meeting your brother.

“Oh!” You exclaimed, then put a hand over your mouth, realizing you should be quiet. Then continued in a softer tone, “Chan, this is Jeongin. Jeongin, this is Chan.”

Jeongin stood up, albeit slowly, and held out a hand to greet Chan. Which Chan took confidently, a smile on his face since he was finally able to meet the brother you cared so much for. Jeongin cast a playful glare, “Be careful with her, she’s hard to handle.”

“Hey.” You pouted, offended.

“Yea, I know, I’m used to it.”

“Hey!” You smacked Chan’s arm.

He laughed, and wrapped an arm around your shoulder, only teasing you. You leaned into him and looked at him seriously, “Hey…so you have some explaining to do.”

“Ah, yea… I do.” Chan hesitated, then went to sit down next to Jeongin and you followed him. “I’m not hurt, so you don’t have to worry.”

You nodded and waited patiently for him to continue.

“Well, I was late for curfew, only barely. I was on my street when curfew passed and a Guardian had caught me. I was taken to some holding cell and just kinda sat there for a day, but eventually they came back.” Chan’s eyebrows furrowed and he stared at the ground as he continued. “They came back to give me my daily meds, but I only pretended to take them. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me, actually. But they drew some blood from me, and well, they found out I wasn’t taking the meds… They almost killed me-but I’m okay!”

Chan quickly reassured once more, looking to you and knowing how worried you must’ve been, he didn’t want to add more stress. “The cells were old, since they barely hold anybody in them, and there was a broken lock so I was able to escape. But I couldn’t just go back to normal life, I’d be punished by death. So, well, I went to Minho…he wasn’t happy. But he helped me hide out till now.” Chan laughed awkwardly, grateful for his agitated friend. He was still staring at the ground, nodding his head as if to confirm what he experienced was real.

“How did you and Minho become friends?” Jeongin asked, confused how two completely different people got along.

“We’ve known each other since really little, we talked more than others so we got along naturally. People change over the years, but, we still get along quite well.” Chan explained with a small smile. He then looked up to see Minho walking up to you guy, “Speak of the devil.”

“Talking about me, I see.” Minho said, a glint of amusement in his eyes. “Let’s go, get up quick, the faster we are the better our chances are.”

You and Chan supported Jeongin as Minho lead all of you through a maze of crates, and eventually into the loading dock. It was quite secluded and you were the only ones there, for now. Minho was ahead of the group by a few paces, leading the way to a couple large crates. He cracked two open, revealing they were only half filled with the luxury goods, and looked back at the group. But your attention was at the ship taking off, already a good three-hundred feet in the sky heading towards Earth. The boys followed your gaze towards the spaceship.

“That’s the ship the other couple were on, I believe that’s going to some place in the Americas. A nice couple actually, their story was similar to yours.” Minho explained, then looked at you and Chan. “I heard the Americas are one of the richer places to be on Earth, but anywhere on Earth is better than anywhere on here. I really do hope the best for-”

Minho’s moment of sentiment was abruptly cut off as a huge explosion shook the atmosphere. You gasped in horror and looked towards the source, it was the ship, the same one the couple from before were on. And it was already in shambles, pieces flying down from the sky in flaming chunks. You were confused on how that happened until you was a rocket fly towards it, and explode when it came into contact with a larger chunk of the ship. It broke into smaller pieces as well, essentially guaranteeing the destruction of anything aboard that ship. Minho hissed in enraged panic, sucking in a large breath before pushing the crates onto the ship you were about the board.

“Follow me in!” He yelled, urgent and loading the cargo without haste. None of you hesitated to follow directions. Minho wasted no time in loading the rest of the cargo that was needed, it seemed like this was the last load needed for this shipment to Earth. Minho swore and rambled, “Whenever the king finds out about stowaways, he just blows up the entire fucking ship. Jackass doesn’t care about anyone but himself.”

He closed the large door for the ship, then did some security measures before leading the three of you towards the two half-empty crates from before.

“I have buddies on Earth who will help once we land, Earth doesn’t condone what goes on here on Mars, but nearly no media coverage is on it. But they accept refugees, thankfully. Chan and y/n in that crate.” Minho pointed to one, then to the other, “Jeongin and me in this one. You two get in first and I’ll seal the crate.”

“Wait…the king doesn’t know about us??” You asked frantically, “What happens to us?”

“It’s either we take this risk or we die anyway.” Minho frowned, “This is better than continuing to live in this hellhole.”

You looked down for a moment, then to Jeongin and nodded. Agreeing with Minho. Whatever happens, happens.

You smiled at Jeongin, “I’ll see you on the other side buddy.”

“You better greet me with a smile.” He smiled back at you as you climbed into the crate with Chan, a tight fit, but a fit nonetheless. Minho grimly shut and sealed the crate, leaving the closed space in darkness with the exception of a few holes poking light through.

Chan held you close as you all waited to see what your fates were, but whatever they were at this point, they would be better than before. You and Chan spoke no words as you listened to Minho seal the crate beside you, and then silence. Your heart wouldn’t settle no matter how hard you tried to calm down. But all you could do was sit and wait; wait for what felt like an hour until the ship finally began to rumble. Chan held your hand and held you close, your head resting on his shoulder in that solemn moment. Liftoff.

a/n: so, hope you enjoyed :)

I wrote this for class sometime last year and it’s just been sitting in my docs since. I liked the idea so I took it, heavily edited it, and here it is now. It’s still a little eh some parts, but I hope y’all like it. Also thought it was a fitting story cause of Astronaut dropping recently

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amnachil · 5 years ago

Text

To the Perfection Chapter 1 Part 9

Me late ? Never :)

Thomas Wednesday February 13

He had always wondered what he could say to a girl who asked him out. I'll hurt them whatever I reply, right ? Usually, he had been trying his best to reassure them, but not this time. This time he just threw her like trash. To be honest, since last weekend, Thomas lived in a world of anger, bitterness and frustrating love. Anger towards everyone, and especially Raphaël. Bitterness against his brother too. I'm mad at him. The worst ? Dan seemed nicer and nicer which each day. And fatter. Being at home with him was hard, because he was so sweet, so understanding... Of course, he had tried to make an apology for Raphaël, and Thomas loved him even more for that. He's the only human part of my brother. Otherwise, he's just a freaky manipulative monster.

"Yo Thomy, we're waiting here." hailed him Joël.

They were supposed to train, right. The ginger smiled to his friend and started to run, the whole team behind him. He could feel Cody's stare behind his back, but he ignored it. You're spying for Raphaël, I know that already. I can't trust you. He sped up to outstrip them. Of course, it was the warm-up and they were supposed to follow, but who cared ? He finished his race far ahead the other. Or at least he thought. Joël arrived at the stadium a few minutes after him.

"That was quite intense." he smiled. "Don't you think it's a bit too much ?"

"You managed to do it." Thomas retorted. "The others should too."

His friend came closer and drank some water.

"The Jessica games ends tomorrow." he said. "And to my own disappointment, you're winning since I didn't have the balls to ask her out. What will you demand from me ?"

"It's a surprise."

The ginger hadn't thought much about it. He started this as a simple game, but right now he was so mad only means things came to his mind. But he looked for it anyway. And it would be nice to teah him a lesson. The others eventually arrived. With satisfaction, Thomas noticed Ilhan was the last, and exhausted. Nobody saw it yet, but he could glimpse a little roll of fat over his short. Seems like I'm having an impact on him...

When he came back home this evening, the young lad was satisfied by his session with Ilhan. He's complying so well to my orders... He wasn't like Cody or Joël, both traitors. It's just wild sex after a good stuffing session. Feelings are not involved, and that's great. Thomas was almost home when he noticed his science teacher coming straight fowards. Damnit. He tried to hide, but Darren saw him anyway.

"Thomas ? It's pretty late to wander around."

It's only 8 pm. What are you ? A nun ?

"I was studying at Ilhan's place." he explained with a smile. "We have a mathematic test coming soon."

His teacher nodded. Apparently, he had drunk because his cheeks were redder than usual. Thomas didn't like his lanky body, but he had cute feature. The girls in their class were always gossiping about him.

"It's nice to see you're opening to your friends." Darren said.

"Yeah... they're... very helpful. You're not coming from the highschool by the way. You were ?"

I know I shouldn't ask that but well... Maybe he would learn something interesting about his lame teacher.

"I was with a buddy, Dan Vince. Maybe you know him, since everyone seems to know eachother in this town ?"

What ? Thomas froze, surprised. Darren and Dan are buddies ? What the hell ?

"Yeah, I know him." he laconically replied. "Anyway, I must go. See you next week sir."

The ginger left pensively. No way I'm letting this awful teacher near Dan. He'll spread Raphaël's word, and I don't want that. His brother was probably always criticizing him, no need for Darren to do the same. I'll have to think about it...

When he finally arrived home, Thomas almost fainted. He just had to enter in the living room, and all his fantasies were reawaken. His dick get hard in one second. Because Dan was lying onto the couch, overstuffed. His belly was incredibly round, forming a wide dome. He was panting, obviously in pain. His tee-shirt was barely hiding anything now, and the ginger admired the soft skin of his friend with amazement. What the hell did he ate ? No... What the hell he's eating ? Because Dan wasn't only moaning with discomfort : he was still wolfing down crips, donuts and cakes which lied around. When he noticed Thomas, he lowered his eyes.

"Sorry burp..." he moaned. "I... burp... can't stop myself..."

As he talked, he took another creamy donut and shoveled it. His stomach produced some painful gurgles. This is... The hottest thing I ever saw... The ginger was short-winded. He couldn't think straight. He came close to the junior, and put tenderly an hand on his overbloated belly.

"Urp... That's... painful..." complained Dan.

But still you're eating. Slowly, Thomas rubbed his friend's stomach.

"It's okay." he whispered. "I'll apease the pain. You really put yourself in a food coma dude."

Yeah, I'll act as a friend. Any normal person would help him, right ? Sure, I'll enjoy every second of it, but it's not like if someone would know....

"Do you want this cookie ?" he asked with a smile.

Dan Friday February 15

This is getting out of control. Completely out of control. Dan took a deep breath and sucked as much as possible. He had to get this pants on. C'mon, fasten already. He tried his best to close the button, without success. I'm just way too big for these jeans. Well, way too big for any clothes from my wardobe... He looked at himself in the mirror. Around chirstmas, he had been quite brawny. Now, he was flabby. His tights was soft and fleshy. His rear too. It's wider than it has ever been... He had little man boobs. But most of his gain went to his middle section, like always. His belly stood out more than he thought. It poked out his briefs significantly. Dan patted it pensively. It feels kind of nice but this is the limit. He probably had exceeded 85 kg (187 pounds) now. Well, the junior liked to be well-padded but he didn't want to be unhealthy for all that. His belly gurgled. He realised he was famished. Damnit. That was the problem... He couldn't stay away from food since Thomas made him indulge with his amazing cooking's skills. He had became more and more dependant, and now he was constantly snacking. Dan's alarm rang. Oh... I'm late, time to go.

He dropped off Thomas at school first. His friend didn't look happy to go, despite his warm smile. Since they were basically living together, the junior was understanding better his friend. I also made a fool of myself in front of him... Thanks god, Thomas took his "out of control eating habit" pretty well. Dan remembered vaguely the ginger rubbing his distended stomach several times these last days. He's a feeder, it's not like he would help me to lose weight... He's constantly providing food, and not the healthiest kind. But I can't blame him for that since I don't say anything.

"Hey Thomy." he hailed him before he left the car. "Is everything alright at school ? You look a bit unmotivated..."

His friend lowered his eyes and pouted. A cute and childish pout.

"There's nothing in particular." he said nevertheless. "I would just prefer to spend my day at home with you... School is pretty lame actually. And my science teacher is being an ass with me."

Dan frowned. He really dislikes Darren uh...

"After all, he's the one who texted Raphaël and put me in this situation, isn't he ?" continued Thomas. "I wish he was nicer with me but like everyone else, he had to be on my brother's side..."

"There ain't side Thomy, you know ?" mumbled Dan. "I don't understand, you and Raphaël have always got along famously..."

His friend smiled. A warm, cheerful and completely fake smile. The junior didn't like it. Why is he lying to me ? When it become so natural to you to hid your feelings from your friends ?

"It was before he began to boss me around. But don't worry Dan, I'll not endanger your relationship with your boyfriend for my personal pride."

Thomas left after this mysterious and a bit annoying statement.

Dan struggled during his presentation. Not because it was difficult, but because his clothes were snug and he was hungry. That was probably why he left Carol afterwards and headed straight to the nearest fastfood. I shouldn't do that. He ordered three menu for himself, and started to eat as soon as his food arrived. He truly was terrible at controling his appetite. But suddenly, his phone rang. Raphaël ? I wonder why he calls at this hour.

"Hi love." he picked the phone up. 'What's up ?"

A long silent followed. A strangely long silent.

"Raph ? Are you alright ?" he asked, more and more worried which each second.

"Dan ? I'm sorry my phone called you by itself." finally replied his boyfriend. "I was resting."

This is weird. Firstly, Raphaël's tone seemed a bit off. Secondly, his voice was cold, and Dan was prey to a bad feeling.

"Sorry I disturbed you." repeated his ginger's lover. "I'm very tired. You don't mind if I hung up ?"

"Not at all, you should take all the sleep you can love."

"Thanks." concluded Raphaël.

I don't like this. Thomas who almost said he hated his brother, and now Raphaël who seemed ill ? Maybe I should go visit him ? But he asked me to stay with Thomas... Damnit, I don't know what to do... Dan had always been undecided. And that was why he eventually chose to do nothing...

To be continued

Nothing much to say here ! Dan’s having second thought on his ever expanding waistline while Thomas is enjoying the show from behind.

Raphaël is being all mysterious like always. By the way I like Joël but idk why :)

#to the perfection #TP #Thomas #Dan #weight gain #Ilhan and Dan weight gain #Our feeder has his hands full #stuffing #chapter 1 #part 9

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dear--charlie · 6 years ago

Text

Dear Charlie,

Tomorrow I am going to fly home. There was nobody here today. A was busy. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t do anything. I had wanted to go buy presents but there is no space left in my suitcase. I mean…space yes…but the weight is already on limit. I finished packing my suitcase. I called my mom. We didn’t get along. She said we’d probably be annoyed when we lived together again because she and dad had had their own life for the time I was gone and so did I. She made some hurtful comments. I don’t want to go back. I’m looking forward to seeing A on New Years but until I see her, I have to be at home for 7 days. Also..I won’t have a room in the student allocations because they don’t want to pay for it if I only stay 3 months and have a 4 week interruption for my interneship, where I’ll live at home. This means I will live with them until September 2019. Have a 2 hour car drive every morning, which makes 4 hours of car every day. There are no buses. The parking is expensive. So is the gas. But anyway. I understand their point. A room is expensive. I just don’t know if all the gaz and parking I’m gonna pay won’t be the equivalent of the rent costs. My parents and I, especially my mom and I…we don’t work out anymore (my dad and me never really did). I love them. But I need my distance. My mom judging what I eat, what I do, when I’m on the phone, when I read or watch TV or who I talk to, is simply something I can’t take anymore. It was good here. I was alone. My mental health was the same degree of fucked up than it is at home. But at least I was out of the closet. At home, not even my close(s)t friends know (ha ha ha got the pun?). Charlie..I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want to be different. All I even wanted was to fit in but somehow I never did. Oh well, and me meeting James was…weird. I was mad because my flatmates had promised me to clean their mess before leaving. But..surprise..they didn’t. So I was a little late. 3 minutes. But still. He had been waiting. We went upstairs of this café and had our tea. It was awkward. I tried to keep the conversation going and whenever I didn’t, he started looking at me with THAT look. I told him about A. I mentioned her 4 times. But that didn’t seem to bother him much. Maybe because I said “ma copine” and not “ma blonde” like they call girlfriends here. He might have thought of her as “a friend” not “the girlfriend”. After an hour I said I had to go home and clean. So I did. We said bye. It was weird. He wanted to hug me but didn’t dare so I just turned around and went away. I got home. And he texted me saying that if I was too annoyed by the cleaning, he could come and help. I didn’t open the message and after I was done cleaning, I told him that I was done now, “but thanks”. Then I went to sleep. At 1 in the morning he texted me this long ass message where he basically said that if I need help or “something” on Sunday (tomorrow), I could tell him. And if I wanted “one last dance” he could also come. And you know what? I was sad that nobody cared about me staying here alone or bothered to really say by… So..I said yes. Now tomorrow, you see, he’ll come help me with the luggage in the staircase and maybe offer one last dance. I’m greatful. He could have become a good friend if I’d met him earlier. Sad actually. I’m so numb. I feel like crying but I don’t know why. I’m not sad or happy. I’m just nothing. Numb and very very VERY cynical. I just don’t want to…exist anymore, you know? So on 24th we usually see my grandma (it’s her birthday) and the rest of my mom’s family. Now..the family is weird. My obese aunt doesn’t work because of “health issues” (which basically means because she’s overweight and always says she’s ill even though she isn’t.) My cousin: one year younger than me. Quit school. Never worked. Doesn’t find(want) an apprenticeship. Weird girlfriend. My other cousin: 24 (I think): quit school. Works approximately once a year for 2 weeks and either leaves the job or is fired. Weird girlfriend. They broke up. Now: girlfriend. Who has a kid AND is pregnant again (not from my cousin). And then my other cousin 27 (I think?). She’s okay. She and her husband never stay long on Christmas dinner (because they have to see her husband’s family too, aka, because they enjoy those meetings as much as I do, which is zero). All of them.. are envious about my “success” and the fact that we have more money than them (because my parents actually work and don’t live on the government’s expenses) (they are so envious that we open our presents at home and never take them to open them with the rest of the family. And then we say that we didn’t get each other presents this year. Since we started doing that, things are much easier). Last Christmas (🎵 I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away 🎵 , sorry, I tried to cheer myself up with Christmas music today, didn’t work. Anyway. Last Christmas,) my 24 year old cousin said I “had it easy”. That I “didn’t do shit but still had good grades”. I said I’d “worked my ass off” to get a diploma, to make it through the tough test to enter university and that, so far, I hadn’t had any time off since the beginning of the year and that whereas he would go home the day after that day and do nothing, I’d go home to my books and study for my exams. He said, “anyway, uni is easy. You don’t need to brag about it” (which I did not. I’d just listed a fact because he’d pissed me off. But then I did brag). I said, “well, you know what? At least I worked hard, and at least, I GO to uni.” Pretty needless to say that you could cut through the tension in the room and that we left as soon as dinner was over. Okay..so then there is my grandma. I love her. She halfway raised me. But she changed so much that I don’t recognise her anymore. She is under the influence of my aunt (who basically spends every day there and uses my grandma) and it doesn’t do her any good. My aunt met this guy and had my cousin. Then she had my other cousin. With the same guy. They split. She was pregnant. She met another guy. She claimed my third cousin was from him. The only person in the family to actually NOT know who his dad is, is my cousin himself. Anyway. They split. Now this year, my aunt met a really weird guy my mom knows from childhood. They are “so in love”, and……..are gonna marry. In summer. After knowing each other for like 9 months? Yea..sorry for degrading them. I’m just listing facts. I wished you could hear the way this letter sounds in my head. Emotionless, quick paced, sarcastic, cynical and with a lot of emphasis on some words. Words that I’d write in cursive but I don’t know how to do thaz, so I write some of them in capitals. On 24th I’ll land at midday. My mom told my grandma I’d be tired and we wouldn’t come. So Christmas-tradition adios. Am I sad? Not really? It’s just weird to not spend it with them. But I don’t really care. So whatever. 25th? We never really do anything. Usually on 26th we see my dad’s grandparents (why not on 25th aka on ACTUAL Christmas? Well because my grandma wants to give us “a day to digest the food from 24th”). Now..one of my dad’s brothers died from an overdose. The other one, a junkie, lives on the street. I don’t know either of them. They have kids. The dead one probably has kids all over the country. Apparently he was a real rabbit when it came to women. And like a rabbit, he didn’t protect himself the way he should have. The difference between my “uncle” and a rabbit is that a rabbit doesn’t do drugs and doesn’t know protection exists (well actually there are no rabbit condoms, so he can’t know about the existence of something that doesn’t actually exist. His owners will castrate the rabbit if they don’t want any more rabbits. I don’t think my uncle would have let anybody castrate him. So that’s that.) The other “uncle” has a kid who has a kid and no boyfriend. She never talked to my grandparents. Not once. Except for last year, when this kid (actually woman) appeared out of nothing and asked my granny for money, who didn’t give it to her. Now..my granny, you see, always says dad is her only child and I am their only grandchild. Which sad but I get her reasoning. My family is fucked up. I don’t know how my parents turned out so well. They are educated. They graduated. My mom went to uni and my dad went through many exams so that he basically also has a degree. They work. They have me. I’m not a bad child. I always studied. My grades were good. I never got into trouble (if you don’t count that one time where I wanted to buy juice and I put into my pocket until we went to paye but unfortunately forgot to take it out of my pocket and actually pay it, found out at home and made my mom drive all the way back to the store because I couldn’t live witht the thought of having stolen something, even if it was by accident. I was 4). I go to university. I speak 5 languages. I’ve got my shit together…if it weren’t for the mental illness that nobody knows about. It’s funny though. My dad’s mom and my dad have depression. Last time on the phone, I was tired of always hiding how I feel so I just didn’t hide it and was openly lethargic. And… my mom said “now stop it. You sound like your grandmother”. Great. She doesn’t get the link. Anyway…it’s not as if it mattered. As if this time of the year wasn’t already bad enough, this afternoon I wanted to order sushi but they didn’t accept my card. Then I wanted to order chinese but they didn’t deliver. So I went for take out. But the shop was closed. Then walked though snow to have lunch which wasn’t exactly the definition of delicious (all of that because my flatmates didn’t leave me any food when they left and I didn’t want to buy a whol package of something because it would be a waste). The… I realised that I’d give the driver of the bus who’s coming to pick me up, my old phone number (I don’t know why). So I was waiting for a confirmation of the schedule for when he’d come to pick me up when I realised he didn’t have any means to reach me because I’d accidentally given him the wrong number. So I contacted the headquarters and tried to fix the problem. It worked. I now know my driver will be there at 12:30. Great. I’m just really realy really cynical today. I’m sorry.. I’m also sorry that this letter was a mess and that now you know far too much about my family. But well…why not? Right? Anway. Have a nice Christmas Love always, Lena. 22.12.2018, 19:59 P.S. have you ever seen the movie “it’s kind of a funny story”? If yes, you can imagine the tone of this letter being similar to the narration of the movie in the first half.

#dear charlie #lena

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nth-generation-kpop · 6 years ago

Text

Hocus Pocus

It’s been a hot minute friends, but we’re back! @yes3racha and I hope you enjoy

Part IV

· So a year after Minho starts living with them they hear a rustling again, but before Chan can go poof there’s a knock on the door

· Chan opens it like how the fuck because they enchanted it so no one should be able to see the place let alone knock on the front door

· But alas, at the door is 18 year old Jisung out of breath saying "please let me in quickly I'm afraid I might be followed. I can explain everything. I can feel the warmth of this house, you two must love each other a lot and if you could feel what i'm feeling you'd know I was telling the truth but you can’t...can you?"

· Minho pops out from the living room and is like "what the fuck are you talking about?"

· So they let him in and Woojin asks how old he is. When Jisung says 18, Woojin goes “oh, so your aging hasn't slowed yet” and Jisung is like “excuse me??

· "Oh so you're still aging" "...as opposed to the alternative?" "Yes" "death??" "no, no! Not death just... not aging, calm down. You've got 2-4 more years anyway"

· "A hundred years turns into one" "ew that's a lot of wrinkles" "no you're not- Chan he’s not listening"

· Chan is like "listen to me, around the time you turn 20 you virtually stop aging. You're going to look this good for the next 1000 years" and Jisung is like "that's great and all but 1000 years is a lot" and Woojin is like "I just said all of that exactly how is what you said any different I'm so mad"

· Woojin is in full mom mode, like oh he's so cute Chan can we keep him he's an empath isn't he

· (he is indeed an empath)

· They explain their powers and he explains what he knows about his (which isn’t a lot because he’s a whole baby)

· And when they ask why he ran away and he starts crying and says the village has started to notice and he has a hard time keeping things to himself and it's become impossible and dangerous and putting his little brother Jeongin in danger scares him so he ran because he sensed it would be okay, and Chan tells him it will

· He cries all night because even though he’s far away he can sense his little brother’s pain from him leaving and he feels so guilty. Chan and Woojin hold each other extra close that night and are reminded of Minho’s first night where they just wanted to be with him and tell him it's going to be okay

· Minho knocks on the door at 3am and tells him he’s safe and they'll take care of him and that he'll see his brother again, and Jisung asks if he is going to stay the night but Minho says "it's not the full moon, i'm not that soft yet." Jisung is like wtf okay that's a question for tomorrow

· And then Minho leaves and sleeps in his own damn bed thank you very much

· (but Jisungs bed becomes puppy Minho's favorite)

· So a couple months later Jisung is completely adjusted and very happy

· Which means just constantly blurting things out like "Minho needs more medicine, his chest hurts" and "Woojin gets butterflies when you backhug him while he’s cooking" and "Chan I feel like i'm home too, you're not the only one who thinks we are a family. We all feel it even Minho… especially Minho"

· And so one day Jisung comes down from his bedroom and he looks like a wreck and isn’t cheery at all and they all immediately know something is wrong

· Woojin goes in for a hug and the second he touches Jisung, Jisung bursts out crying and pushes him away and kind of staggers to the chair and says "everything hurts so bad please dont touch me. I'm sorry, just stay there and tell me what's wrong.” Chan goes "...you tell US what's wrong" and Minho is just standing there like “listen y’all are the witches figure it out”

· Jisung starts clutching his chest and his stomach and he doesn’t stop crying and Woojin is like "no illness does this, not even witch illness. I don’t know what's wrong, is he cursed??"

· Minho is like “no other witches live in this forest how can he be cursed”

· Chan and Woojin look at each other like oh shit is there a god damn witch in our forest

· So Woojin makes a generalized soothing tonic and Jisung lies down, sweating and breathing hard and letting out soft sobs

· Minho feels horrible and useless and them worrying makes Jisung feel even worse

· And then half an hour later Jisung sits up and says "I found him, we have to go right now" and can barely stand because he feels like death and fear but Chan and Woojin put his arms over their shoulders and are like "lead the way"

· They reach Changbin who has found a little enclave protecting him from the sun and is in an almost too late stage of Obscurus (his own magic destroying him from within)

· Woojin and Chan pull back and say it's too dangerous, but Jisung says "no he’s good, he’s so good please I can help" and they let him go to Changbin

· He walks forward and gains strength as he does so and gives Changbin the biggest hug, and Woojin and Chan kinda “aww” at it because they’ve only known Jisung for like 3 months but he’s already become their family and they're proud of his progress and his strength and his kindness

· They exchange words that nobody else can hear

· Eventually Changbin’s powers calm and they get him home and they work their ~magic~ getting him back his strength and teaching him how to control the magic, teaching him that he's not dangerous and that magic is good if he wants it to be and there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore

· Changbin learns really quickly and a lot of things in his life fall into place because he accepts and nurtures this big part of himself

· 5 years later Jisung gets a super strange feeling in his chest and tells Woojin (who's in the kitchen making lunch) hes going on a walk real quick

· When he gets to the river and stops dead in his tracks

· Because his baby brother is now 18 and has a jawline and is 5 inches taller than him and is standing just across the way

· Anyways jeongin is a witch too and they catch up and it's great

Bonus

"This is my boyfriend changbin" "Oh I had a boyfriend back in the village" "Ayyyy, my baby brother I'm so proud what happened? Are you still together?" "I was exiled from the village and shunned by it's people so I think that's a no"

Jisung: *laughing* Changbin: ...babe Jisung: too soon? Jeongin: too soon.

#stray kids #skzwriters #hocus pocus #woochan #minho #lee know #jisung #han #what else #ive skipped like 2 weeks i forget how to do this

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mackinmacki · 6 years ago

Text

The #1 Idol

Rating: K

Word Count: 3004

Summary: During her second year, Nico celebrates her birthday alone. Well, almost.

Pairing: NozoNico

Notes: Happy birthday, Nico!

Links: (FFN) | (AO3)

July 22nd was just a normal day. That's what she told herself to get out of bed and drag herself over to her closet. It wasn't fair that there was school that day. Her birthday should be a national holiday. At least that's what she thought. She had to remind herself of the truth, though: the school only knew it was her birthday through her records. They didn't care what day it was. Nobody outside her immediate family did.

That thought almost defeated her. Some days it did. Not the thought that nobody cared about her birthday specifically, but that nobody cared about her in general. She'd pretend she was sick, and would get to spend the day with her adoring siblings while her mom went to work. At least her brother and sisters cared about her. They treated her like a bigshot idol, which she admittedly hadn't dissuaded. And she may have been the reason for those thoughts in the first place. It made her feel good, though. They didn't need to know that her idol dreams were destroyed the moment her fellow idolmates had walked out the door of the clubroom and never returned. Second year was really kicking her butt.

Standing in her closet, she strongly considered getting right back into bed and sleeping the morning away. It was her birthday, after all. If no one else was going to care about it, at least she could treat herself to not going to school. It'd be a present to herself. She knew that she probably couldn't miss any more school, though. The illness excuses were probably wearing thin on the principal. Sighing, she stripped off her nightwear and changed into her school uniform.

She sat at the kitchen table and forced herself to eat breakfast, though she wasn't all that hungry. There wasn't much for her to eat anyway. She needed to go grocery shopping, though the family finances always were a constraint. At least not feeling very hungry worked in her favor when it came to lacking money. She made herself eat a banana, then slung her bag over her shoulder and left the house. Nobody was up yet to wish her a happy birthday. She could handle it, though. At this point, she was used to going an entire school day without anyone bringing it up.

School wasn't even interesting that day. Nobody talked to her, and the lessons weren't able to pierce the veil of her dour mood. Not that her classes were interesting in the first place, but today they dragged on an especially long time. At one point she even dropped her head against her desk and had to stifle a groan. This was the worst. It was so frustrating. If she had to be sad, why couldn't she be sad at home? At least she could use her phone without having to hide it under her desk.

Lunchtime came and Nico sat outside on a bench underneath the shade of a tree. Alone, as usual. Other people would walk by, but none of them bothered to look her way. Not that she cared. She didn't need their pity. Everything was going just fine, thank you very much.

In her lunch, she had tucked away something special just for herself: a cupcake she'd splurged on at a dessert shop a couple days ago. She'd put it in a tupperware container, though some of the frosting had come off on the inside of the lid. Opening it up, she grabbed a candle she'd stowed away in her bag and put it in the middle of the cupcake. Holding it in her hands, it looked like the saddest one girl party imaginable.

"Happy birthday to me." She sighed and imitated blowing out the candle. Of course, she wouldn't be allowed to bring matches to school, so she'd have to make due with her imagination. Staring at the cupcake, sitting there all by herself, she almost didn't feel like eating it at all. Keyword: almost. It was too good of a sweet to lose all of her appetite over. She plucked the candle out and idly sucked the frosting off of it. It only sort of tasted like wax.

"Does that taste good?" Nico nearly swallowed the candle, spitting it out onto the grass as she turned to look at whoever was speaking to her. A teasing but gentle smile greeted her. "Oh, don't choke on it, Nico."

"Nozomi! What are you doing here?" She didn't really know Nozomi all that well. They had classes together, but that was the only place where they really spoke. Even then, it wasn't like they chatted frequently. Nozomi was the one who initiated most of the conversations, with Nico sometimes feeling like she was being forced into speaking. Maybe Nozomi was just trying to be friendly, but it could come across as a little overbearing. Honestly, she felt that Nozomi tried too hard to befriend other people, with her card tricks and all. They were both social outcasts in their own ways, but she didn't feel like she needed to do a song and dance for other people to get them to like her. That wasn't her style. She didn't care one bit. Not at all...

"Well, I wanted to come wish you a happy birthday!" She smiled shyly, waiting to see if Nico would invite her to sit with her. Nico just stared at her at first, the cupcake in her hand temporarily forgotten. She didn't expect that anyone would bother to know when her birthday was, not even Nozomi. Even if Nozomi had tried to be friendly with her before, she wouldn't have expected this. Why did she know it? Narrowing her eyes, she stared at Nozomi's face, trying to determine what she was trying to gain. After what had happened with her other so-called friends, she didn't trust anyone to want anything with some sort of strings attached.

"Well, uh... Thanks, I guess." She kept staring, though she started to feel sorry for Nozomi just standing there and squirming a bit. "You wanna sit down or something? Jeez..." Nozomi smiled in relief, sitting down next to Nico and placing her bag on her lap.

"I got you something. Um, it isn't much, but I hope you like it!" She pulled out a CD from her bag and presented it to Nico, smiling hopefully. "I know you like idols a lot, so I burned you this CD of some idol music." Quirking an eyebrow, Nico glanced down at the CD. It was a blank white disk in a plain jewel case. Scrawled on the CD in sharpie were the words '#1 Idol in the Universe!' She had no idea what idol Nozomi had downloaded for this, but either she thought very highly of their music, or this singer thought very highly of themselves.

"Thanks." She took the CD with her free hand, continuing to stare at it. She'd never gotten a present before from someone she wasn't related to. It didn't even seem like a 'give in order to get' kind of present, since it seemed like a cheap gift. Not that she was denigrating it or anything. Hell, she knew more than most about having to make due when it came to purchases. Her mind may have been a bit scrambled from the sudden friendliness. She'd never really understood why Nozomi wanted to talk to her, especially not this year. Nobody else did.

Laying the CD in her lap, she finished unwrapping her cupcake and started to eat it, occasionally glancing over at Nozomi. She was watching her eat, and though she tried to hide it, Nico could tell that she was disappointed. Maybe she expected more than just a curt 'thanks' for a response, or that they'd actually have a conversation instead of Nico just eating in front of it. It made her feel a bit guilty. Just a bit, though.

"Uh, so..." Ugh, this was stupid. She wasn't good at small talk. When she had something to say, she just came out and said it. Big and bombastic was her style, not elevator talk. "Really, thanks. I, uh, I appreciate the gift. Really. But how did you know it was my birthday? I don't remember mentioning it to you." One could say 'Well, if you want people to know your birthday, you have to tell them,' but Nico was tired of telling people and getting lip service in return. It didn't mean anything.

"Oh, uh... Well..." Nozomi laughed sheepishly, tugging on her right sleeve. "I... may have asked Elicchi to look up your file for me." Ah. Well, that made sense. If there was anything that made less sense than Nozomi being friendly with her, it was Nozomi being friends with Eli. That was actually school-wide gossip for a time, though it had died down somewhat in recent weeks. Not completely, though. It still seemed wild to believe Nozomi, weird as she was, would be friends with arguably the hottest - yet coldest - girl in the whole school. Nobody before had seemed to be able to break through that wall of ice she had around her, even with an industrial strength icepick. It was a weird union, but apparently they were good enough friends to look through private school files together.

"Looking up students' files, eh? Didn't know the student council did such things. Or maybe the others don't know. Bet that'd hurt the Mad Russian's chance at getting to be president, wouldn't it?" She noticed the flash of fear go through Nozomi's eyes, her demeanor changing instantly. Why did she feel bad when she was just needling her? "Come on, I'm joking. I'm not gonna snitch on you, jeez. It's not that big a deal anyway. Don't turn on the waterworks or anything."

"I wasn't going to cry!" Nozomi folded her arms and pouted. "I didn't want you to know I was getting you something, so I had to surprise you." She was back to smiling, like she'd flipped back on her happy switch. That was fast. "You'll listen to it when you get home, right? I think you'll really like it."

"Yeah, sure. I can do that." She would. Probably. She could at least listen to the first track and just pretend she listened to the whole thing. At least to avoid hurting Nozomi's feelings. Hell, maybe she could listen to the whole thing. It wouldn't kill her, probably. Besides, it couldn't be more than eighty minutes. She had that to spare. It wasn't like she was going out to live it up for her birthday. "Who's this 'number one' idol anyway?"

"Oh, you'll know who they are when you listen. It's an up-and-comer, but I think they're going to become very big in the idol world! I'm sure an idol savant like you will know even currently underground idols." Well, she wasn't wrong. Nico did pride herself on knowing the ins and out of the idol world, along with all of the singers and groups that were within it. She was trying not to think about it, though. After the dissolution of her idol group, she'd tried to ween herself off of her dreams. Sure, she'd put on a good face for her siblings, but she knew the truth: she wasn't going to make it. She couldn't really get mad at Nozomi, though. It wasn't like her file had any info on her dreams being crushed. At least, she didn't think it did.

"Yeah, you're right. I am the foremost idol expert at this school, after all." It came off her tongue so easily, even if it stung a bit. Doing her best to shrug it off, she finished off her cupcake and left the trash by her side. All this talking was going to keep her from getting some food in her stomach before the bell rang. Before she could open up her bento box, Nozomi swiped a finger right by her lips. "What do you think you're doing?"

"You had frosting on your face." Nozomi smiled and stuck her finger in her mouth, licking off the frosting. "Ooh, that's good. Store-bought, though." How could she even tell that? Better question: why was she wiping frosting off of her face? Nico heated up at the sudden close contact, which she tried to hide by focusing on her food. But focusing on her food made her notice something else: the lack of food Nozomi was holding.

"Where's your food, anyway? You not gonna eat or something?"

"I already ate." Nico side-eyed her suspiciously. She said it without missing a beat, but for some reason Nico didn't believe her. There was just something that made her feel like Nozomi was hiding her lack of food for whatever reason. Rolling her eyes, she shifted her bento box so that it was on her right leg, closer to Nozomi.

"Have a bit, alright? And don't argue. The birthday girl is always right." Nozomi stared at her, surprised. Then she smiled and took some food without any resistance. They engaged in some small talk while they ate lunch together, most of it involving Nozomi trying to dispel Nico's preconceived notations about Eli. For once, time seemed to fly by, and the bell rang before either of them were ready for it to.

"I'll see you at lunch tomorrow, Nico!" Nozomi stood up, then stopped herself, realizing that she'd spoken based on an assumption. "I mean, if... you want to eat lunch together." She smiled shyly, but Nico was able to see through it again. Why would she want to sit with her when she assumedly spent her lunch time sitting with Eli?. Maybe it was just pity, or Nozomi again trying too hard to make friends. ... Ahh, what the heck? It's not like she hated eating with Nozomi or anything.

"Yeah yeah, I never said I didn't. You're gonna have to come to my bench, though. I ain't movin' for no one." That seemed to perk Nozomi up instantly. She smiled widely and nodded eagerly. Then the two of them walked back into the school, chatting idly as they returned to class.

Nozomi was the only person at school to wish her a happy birthday, but it was one more than she expected. It was better at home, where her siblings rushed her with cheers of 'Happy birthday!'. They had made her a card, something that she cherished every year. There wasn't many presents, but it wasn't something she expected. She just appreciated that she had her family there to celebrate her day with.

It was when she was alone in her room that she remembered the CD Nozomi gave her. Pulling it out of her bag, she figured she might as well listen to it while doing the negligible amount of homework she had to do that night. Not that they should even give out homework on what should a national holiday, but she'd just have to take that up with the student council.

She put the CD into her computer, pulling out her homework while it loaded. To her surprise, there were only three songs on the disk, and there was no information on any of them. That was strange. What exactly was Nozomi up to? Well, at least she could figure out who the hell this 'number one' idol was, anyway. She double clicked the first song and waited for it to play.

Stranger still, there wasn't even any music to accompany the song. All that was there was someone singing. It was... familiar, though. Nozomi had been right: she knew who this idol was. It was on the tip of her tongue... As she tried to think about who it was, she started to sing along with the song. It only took several lines for her to realize what she was doing, her eyes widening with the realization that she did know who the singer was. It was herself.

Her homework laid on her desk unfinished as she sat and stared at her screen, flabbergasted. That was clearly her singing, but she'd never recorded herself doing that. At least, not when this had to have been recorded. She recognized the lyrics from a song she'd written for her idol group the previous year, which meant it had to be either from last year or... or maybe when she'd been singing to herself in the clubroom. Still, it hadn't been recorded!

So that meant that... Nozomi recorded it? Had she been stalking her for all this time? That was a high grade on the creep factor for recording her without her knowledge. But... it was also kinda sweet, if something could be both creepy and sweet. For however long it had been, Nozomi had been listening to her singing. She must've been silently supporting her in the background for all this time. With what she knew about Nozomi, it wasn't really much of a surprise. She definitely had some weird things she did when it came to being friendly, but it did seem to all be with good intentions.

Leaning back in her chair, she listened to herself singing - not in a self-centered way this time - and thought about what Nozomi had written on the disk. "Number one idol, huh?" She laughed softly, smiling at the thought. Well, at least one person that wasn't related to her thought she was a good idol. Maybe there was hope. If there was one person in the shadows enjoying what she did, then perhaps there were others. They were just too shy to come forward and tell her. So... she would need to get them to open up herself.

"Oh Nozomi, I'm really gonna have to teach you about properly socializing," she said to herself, ignoring her own lack of friends in the school. "I'll have to thank her for the gift tomorrow, though. This... This will not be the end! Super idol Nico Nico Nii shall rise again!"

#love live!#NozoNico #toujou nozomi #yazawa nico #my writing

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tenitchyfingers · 4 years ago

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Ok so I need to vent. I’m not looking for sympathy or even a reply, it’s just this is the closest thing I have to a diary and my parents won’t hear it anymore and I can’t vent to anyone irl because essentially they don’t get what venting is, by which I mean that I’m not necessarily asking my mom or my dad or my brother or my neighbor or any layperson for a solution but they default to thinking I’m asking them for it when I know they can’t possibly cure me and I don’t expect them to. I just want them to be next to me and listen when I feel hopeless, is that too much to ask?

So anyway I’ve been having these weird sensations and at times pains to my back which made my normal life basically impossible, I went to the hospital twice and both times they just gave me some meds and sent me back home and I feel like no doctor is actually fucking LISTENING to me when I talk about my symptoms because every single one keeps assuming it’s “nothing”, but I literally cannot fucking sit or stand for over 20 minutes because then my back will fold on itself and get inflamed and I’ll have to spend the rest of the day in bed crying.

So like now I’m going to the gym 3 times a week to build muscles. I’m occasionally seeing a physiotherapist, and I’ve been going all around the place for 2 months and nobody’s been able to give me an explanation that makes sense, but especially all these fucking doctors keep telling me I don’t have to worry, that I have to live normally, that I have to fucking cheer up.

And like, I suffer with anxiety and anxiety has been my life for 20 years now. Ya really think I can keep my cool while feeling like my spinal cord is like a Jenga tower?? My own parents keep telling me to relax whenever I get depressed or worried about anything, like they haven’t been living with me since I started showing signs of mental illness, like they should know better. Sure, they are worrying, they are doing what they can. But don’t fucking tell me not to cry when I’m feeling as low as I’ve ever felt because I’m WORRIED and PANICKING all the time. I can’t control it. I have a RM on Tuesday and their refrain so far has been “come on, on Tuesday we’ll know” which I mean no, they gotta actually prepare the results and then I gotta go to all the doctors I went to, to show them the results, but even then I’m hurting NOW. And in the meanwhile I feel like I’m damaging my back more and more every day by TRYING to live as normally as I can, by standing or sitting as long as my back will take it, by doing whatever I manage doing around the house, like I’m fucking trying to get better but every week a new problem pops up and I’M SICK OF IT. For one reason or another I’ve been hurting for 6 months now, all day and all night every day, I’ve lost SEVERAL nights of sleep and I’m TIRED. I want to find a solution and I want to GO BACK TO NORMAL. I’m not satisfied with feeling a little bit better every 2 weeks, I want to be okay now because I’m SICK OF THIS SHIT. This thing has forced me to put my whole life on hold, everything I love doing is slowly being taken away and all I have now to distract myself are my cellphone, basic chores in the house and brief walks with my mom. I can literally do nothing else that would distract me from this whole situation because it would hurt or make me panic. And my dad’s like “don’t listen to every little pain, I have back pains too” which like ok first off you have back pains OCCASIONALLY, I feel like my back is going to fall apart ALL THE TIME and every step I take I worry about new pains, new shit to deal with, new bothers because essentially that’s how it’s been so far. It started from my cervicals and then once I solved that I got back pains in one spot and then another and then another and then MY KNEE started hurting and feeling like it would fall apart too and I’ve been basically feeling like a building about to crumble for a full month now. Also I’m 30, you’re almost 70. I am supposed to still have a functioning body, yours is not plagued by all the shit I’m dealing with and you’re much older, DAD. And I keep thinking “if I’m in these pitiful conditions at 30, what shape will I be in when - IF - I get to 50? 60? 70?”

And then occasionally he’ll tell me like “you’re taking advantage of this” which....... ok dad. As if I had ANY advantage to take from this. Like people enjoy being in pain and being stressed out every fucking waking moment to the point of crying every day. Ok father, thanks for the compassion.

So I’ve started hiding how I feel, I started shutting up about my back being fucking weird and my worries to avoid worrying them and hearing that same shit about how I shouldn’t cry or whatever (and every time I cry it’s out of FRUSTRATION, because these last 6 months my motivation and whatever psychological balance I’d painstakingly gained back with therapy has been destroyed piece by piece by my own fucking body double teaming with my depression and this lockdown cutting me out from the world for 2+ months) so here I am. The only person who’s given me any compassion at all is MY PSYCHOLOGIST. Just hearing him say “I’m really sorry to hear that” has been SO much better and so much more of a relief than all the other doctors telling me “oh it’s just your muscles, don’t worry” (not, because the sensation of instability and pain is in my vertebrae, I know the difference between back pains and muscle pains) or my parents telling me I should basically stop feeling the way I feel and that I’M TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS SITUATION. Like, fuck. Fuck. And he fucking knows I was doing so good and I was so happy with the formative courses I was doing. So... taking advantage of what? Being stuck in bed and missing out on my nieces whenever they come to visit? DOES HE REALLY THINK I ENJOY BEING UNABLE TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH THEM? Fuck I’m crying again. They’re the only people who can put a smile on my face these days and I mostly cannot actually play or watch cartoons or go on walks with them or pick them up. What’s the fucking advantage here??

And like yeah I know. There are people in way worse conditions than me that are still grabbing life by the balls and I’m lucky that I live with my parents so I don’t have to worry about surviving for the moment, but here’s the thing: first off, I’m sure those people have their own times of crisis and tears, secondly I’m not a strong person. I’m fucking weak. I’ve been insecure and depressed and anxious and weak since childhood. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE STRONG. I don’t know how to just turn the worrying and the depression off. The only way for me to stop is going back to normal, to feeling like I can TRUST MY OWN BODY. But I cannot do that now. My body is betraying me and I’m the one who has to inhabit it, so no, nobody gets to tell me I don’t have to worry or cry. For fuck’s sake. I want to go back to driving by myself, to going to the movies, to go to work, to sitting and watching a movie with someone for a fucking minute, to spend time with my nieces, to do all the shit I usually do. And i don’t think I can give for granted that that’ll happen. That’s what’s driving me crazy. I’m so afraid my mobility is going to be stunted forever, but mostly is the fact that this thing is slowly cutting me off from my family and everything I love.

So yeah I guess I’ll wait for the RM results. But for now I’m fucking allowed to feel what I’m feeling. Holy shit. And that’s a recap of the last 6 months. Lots of podcast episodes, a few movies, a lot of YouTube and a lot of crying and worrying and being in discomfort/pain all day with almost no actual relief and a lot of loneliness even when I’m with my family or other people. Wonder why I’ve been a bitch lately, more than usual? Yeah, this is why.

#rant #personal #where’s the read more on mobile

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issasideblog · 7 years ago

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Introduction!

Well, um hello lolol~

How’s it hanging?

This is my first post on this blog, I’m not even sure if I’m going to post anything, but I guess it’s a good place to post my feelings and other things.

I have no idea how to start this, so I guess I’ll just link this post on my other blog, it’ll give a shorter explanation of what’s happening right now heh.

Okay, so hopefully you’ve read that if anyone does read this, or if future me reads this then hello, hope you’re Gucci now~!

Like I said in that post, I’ve been feeling quite down recently.

I’ve always been like this, but recently it’s gotten worse and I’m not entirely sure why, the only reason I can think is that I’m changing medication.

But it doesn’t really explain why I’m constantly sad, or empty/numb

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel happy sometimes, but not a lot.

I don’t have many friends, but I don’t mind to be honest.

I’ve always struggled with friends, this is apparently because I have Autism (there’s that too lolol~), so I’ve never really had friends for a long time.

But, I have one close friend (my best friend) the others are just people I hang out with at school, since I don’t really leave my house.

I don’t really like the others too much, I know that sounds mean. But I’ve always struggled with attachment.

I don’t get attached easily, especially after I found out that they were talking about me behind my back.

Every single friendship I’ve ever had has ended like that, so I kind of don’t trust many people.

I said above that I rarely leave my house, this is for many reasons I guess.

1. I’m scared of people.

That sounds kind of weird in a way if you don’t understand.

I hate meeting new people, and being around other people makes me incredibly nervous, but I don’t really show it.

I can’t make eye contact with people (another thing to do with my autism heh)

2. It triggers my OCD

This also sounds kind of weird, but I’ll explain.

I have really bad OCD (Which could also be part of my autism apparently) but I hate being touched, and as soon as someone touches me I feel contaminated and have to wash.

I can’t sit in any place, beside my bed without feeling dirty and having to wash.

Nobody can sit on my bed, or I have to change my bedding.

If I don’t shower I feel disgusting but sometimes I have no motivation to shower which makes me feel even worse.

3. I’m paranoid

I constantly feel like I’m being watched, no matter what I’m doing. I could just be sat in my room (like I am right now) and feel like I’m being watched. It stops me doing certain things (like exercising) and I have to change really fast.

Being outside triggers this even more, I feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, or that I’m being followed.

To be honest, I just prefer being inside. I feel safer I suppose, but not entirely safe.

My school life is even worse.

My grades are terrible, so is my attendance.

I struggle to get out of bed on a morning, because I’m exhausted, I have no motivation and I honestly don’t see the point, I feel like I’m not going to live long enough anyway.

That sounds like I’m going to kill myself, but I wouldn’t because it would hurt people I care about, I guess.

I find it hard to believe people care about me, but I don’t want to risk them being hurt.

But, I’m very clumsy and kind of self-destructive. I don’t really look after myself, and often miss meals and don’t eat or drink for ages.

Recently, I’ve started sleeping in school.

I’ll just be listening to the teacher talk and lose focus and just fall asleep.

I fell asleep in my exams, which I failed.

That made me sad, but no one knew heh, people that knew got mad/judged me heh.

I literally have no energy, so I try sleep whenever I can.

Min Yoongi who?

I have no motivation to try in school, even though I want to.

I haven’t done homework in three years, nor have I tried hard.

I don’t have good relationships with teachers because of this. They hate me heh.

I sometimes skip lessons, which makes them hate me even more.

My maths teacher now despises me because me and my friend didn’t go to her lesson and gave us a detention (which I couldn’t go to because I wasn’t at school because I was too depressed heh, but my friend did so she doesn’t hate her). But another girl skipped the lesson and didn’t get into trouble which I found rude.

Now my maths teacher treats me like crap and will pick on me any chance she gets which makes me feel like crap and stops me going to her lesson.

I’ve nearly been expelled three times, which was a rollercoaster lmao.

But the latest was last year:

Like I said in my other post, I have Bipolar disorder, which gives me severe mood swings.

During this incident, I was in a manic state, I literally couldn’t control myself it’s kind of like being drunk in a way?

Anyway, me and this teacher were messing around in maths and he said something that I can’t remember and my manic self (please remember I had no control over this, I couldn’t control myself) said

‘Screw you too’

I don’t even know what happened, but he got pissed and yelled at me.

Then sent me out.

A while later, my best friend brought my bag out and I got sent to the deputy head (I think that’s who he is I honestly have no idea lmao).

I later found out she brought my bag out because my actual maths teacher (not the one that sent me out) said if she brought me it, I’d accuse her of doing something to it.

Probably not wrong tbh

Yeah, so I got sent to the maybe deputy head, I don’t know guy for the rest of the lesson (it was my last period, so I could go home straight after). He made me, my best friend and our ex best friend stay behind, except my ex best friend ran off.

We both had to give a statement of what happened????

(This is kind of turning into me talking shit about my school whoops)

But then yeah, my best friend said she didn’t want to do it in case they lied against us, but she was forced to.

THEY DID LIE AGAINST US IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

Around this time, I was being forced to stay behind because I was missing school.

Apparently, it was to ‘catch up’ but I didn’t do anything besides sit there???

So, it was basically a detention, even though my reason for missing school was my mental illness.

Anyway, I was forced to write an apology letter to both teachers, even though I didn’t do anything to one of them?

The whole screw you was literally a joke??? I thought we were messing around which we were.

Anyway yeah, they refused to let me leave until I did it.

(I couldn’t get out without them letting me)

I can’t remember what I wrote but my head teacher had to help me because I refused to write it, because in my mind (and many others) I didn’t do anything wrong, I couldn’t help my actions and they knew it.

But yeah, I was forced to do this, and went home crying.

My parents were pissed.

I’m pretty sure they called the school and told them to retract the apology or something. I don’t wanna ask now lmfao.

So, them both the maths teacher and the other one that I said it to (he’s now my physics teacher and is nice to me??? but it’s gucci) hated me and so I stopped showing up to that lesson, and form (she was my form tutor)

EVERY MATHS TEACHER I’VE HAD IN SECONDARY HAS HATED ME WTH WHY AM I SO UNLIKABLE???

Anyway, my school didn’t believe me when my parents told them I had bipolar disorder.

The school phoned my doctor without us knowing, and asked if I actually had it.

My doctor phoned my parents because it’s confidential and they needed permission, which we gave.

But yeah there’s that too.

I have so many bad incidents in school what even

Because of my disorder and other shizzle, I have a lot of appointments, I miss a lot of school.

At one point my teacher (the physics/screw you guy. Why is he always in this? He’s nice now but still) told me I should cancel them.

I can be really suicidal and put myself and others in danger do you really want that, buddy?

But now, they’re demanding all letters of my appointments, but it’s confidential????

Like uh no go away, my mental illness don’t get your own they suck.

My PE teacher (I am so tempted to give her name because I really don’t like her but I’m not actual that mean, she also might see this and sue me lolol) is one of the worse for dealing with my illness tbh, despite the fact her brother killed himself.

This next part is probably gonna sound really attention seeky but meh, I’m just going to be honest here, because honesty is the best policy.

She treats everyone else really nice (except a recent incident with my best friend) but it comes to me and she’s horrible.

She ignores it, and/or blames it on me (this is another thing entirely ugh).

One time I was really depressed in physics (ITS THE SCREW YOU TEACHER AGAIN FGS LMAO) and he was like ‘I’ll email pe teacher and tell her’ but instead of telling her I was sad, he said I refused to work????

I was sat in the changing rooms, basically crying and she comes in and yells at me for not doing pe.

(side note: I don’t do PE because of my paranoia, insecurity and OCD heh)

I haven’t done pe in three years wth you know this???

Then she goes

“Do you want to talk about it? Never mind you never do.” and walks out.

I don’t like talking to others about my feelings, because in my mind they don’t care and I’m just a bother to them.

In year seven, I was forced to go to the school councillor.

She brought another girl (who for the record, is horrible and I really don’t like her).

She then started talking about my bipolar and saying stuff meaning the horrible girl knew all aboout my private stuff.

The councillor then went on to say my disorder is my own fault????

Apparently, I was just hanging around with the wrong people and not having enough confidence??

No, I have a mental illness, I can’t prevent it.

Trigger warning: self-harm

A few years ago, I used to cut myself (I don’t anymore) and my teacher was trying to force me to take my jumper off, and at some point, I got in trouble for cutting myself h e c c.

A few weeks ago, I told my teacher about how I was struggling with body issues and starving myself. She asked me how I was once but did nothing else.

If it wasn’t for my friend and parents realising I could have starved myself to death, and she would have watched it happen.

I even wrote a song about it recently and it was obvious it was about me, but my teacher read it (it was for an assessment) and said nothing.

Alas I cannot think of any more incidents at school, there are literally too many.

Ever since an early age, I’ve struggled with sleep.

I can go days without sleeping or sleep all day.

This sometimes actually depends on my bipolar.

If I’m manic, I can stay up for days, if I’m depressed I can and most likely will, sleep for days.

I also have something called delayed sleep phase syndrome (Jesus I have a lot of problems)

So, my sleeping schedule is messy.

It’s literally 7:30am and I haven’t slept even though I’m exhausted.

My whole life I’ve had low self-esteem.

I hate everything about myself.

This could be because I’ve been bullied my whole life.

One of my biggest issues is with my weight (You can probably tell where this is going so trigger warning)

I’ve always gone through phases of not eating for days, or rarely eating but recently has been the worse it’s ever been.

I was barely eating, I’d go days without eating, sometimes I would force myself to throw up.

I was constantly over exercising and sometimes I would lose all energy and I’d just collapse to the floor and couldn’t get up, but I’d still push myself.

I lost all my energy, which led to me sleeping at school, as you read above.

I even nearly fell asleep while walking home once.

I told my teacher this too once, not the whole thing, just that I was insecure and wasn’t really eating (like you read above) and she didn’t do anything.

Like I said, I have low self-esteem so I rarely like myself.

I constantly think my friends hate me, this is also because almost everyone prefers my best friend to me and leave me for her.

I think I’m unlikable, and honestly, I’m sure it’s true, no matter what others say.

No matter how many compliments and things I get, I never believe it, they just make me think I’m being pranked and people are laughing at my reactions.

I also get intrusive thoughts sometimes.

I’ll just be doing something and thoughts about me being worthless and other things like that will bombard my mind, or I will get thoughts about killing myself or killing others and I can’t stop it.

It’s just something that happens to me now, to the point it rarely bothers me.

I sometimes, not often, hear things and hallucinate.

This is rare though but has been happening more and more often recently.

They’re usually voices telling me my friends don’t like me, I’m worthless, stupid, they insult me and things like that. They also just repeat things I’ve heard during the day really loudly.

I’ve never really told anyone this.

I sometimes see flashes of faces and people in my sight, I’m not sure if that’s hallucinations but yeah.

Above I said that I’ve always had bad friends, besides now.

One of my worst was being bullied constantly, I don’t even know why I tried being their friends, I was very naive.

One of them still hates me rip.

He’s dangerous now so you know, kind of paranoid.

Another friendship was when one girl’s mother was a drug dealer and they all tried pressuring me into doing drugs and smoking with them.

I never did, I just came up with a lie it wasn’t hard to be honest.

They probably knew but who cares?

Earlier on I said I have paranoia (if it can be called that).

But yeah, I feel like I’m being watched all the time, no matter what I’m doing.

I’m not sure who, but I just feel like someone out there is watching me either through my window (so I always have my curtains closed), through my camera (so I always have them covered) or through a hidden camera in my room which I can’t do anything about.

I once hid under my covers because it got too much, but the feeling was still there.

I’m suddenly exhausted.

My mind has gone blank, but I’ll try post more I guess, if I remember, or have something to write about.

Thank you for reading!

I hope you have a good day/night! ^-^ <3

I’ve probably made loads of mistakes here because I suck hEH SORRY

#I need a nap #Mental health #mental illness #bipolar #bipolar disorder #anxitey #depression #paranoia #hallucination #hallucinatory #auditory halluctionation #insomnia

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torisfeather · 7 years ago

Link

Based on @fablegate‘s Baby Frisk AU.

Also available on AO3

They had to calm down, introduce themselves again, remember the whole situation, but it all happened without any more conflicts. People don’t always know how good a fit of laughter can be to lighten the mood and bring people together. At this point, Toriel, with her love for puns and complicity with Sans became almost automatically a sister to Papyrus. For best and for worse. Introducing her to Undyne was slightly more difficult, especially when they had to tell the former queen about the conflict they had earlier. Thankfully, Alphys vouched for her, and when she apologized properly Toriel decided she’d let it go. The whole time, in the background, Papyrus was giving his best shot at getting Sans to stand after the skeleton decided to pretend he was sleeping again.

Alphys gave Frisk back to Toriel who received her with tears of joy and relief and held her close. “I examined her,” the scientist informed her. “Y-you were right about the buttercup, the symptoms are clear : her mouth and throat are irritated, and even burned at some places, and her digestive system is still very sensitive, b-but she must have not consumed much, otherwise the damage would have been a lot worse!”

“Can I do something for her?” Toriel asked.

“No, no, you just have to wait, she will get better soon. Her life isn’t in danger anymore, you can thank Papyrus for this.”

And the skeleton bragged about his culinary talent. Good thing he hadn’t tried making spaghetti. Toriel profusely thanked everyone for taking care of Frisk and protecting her, not knowing how she could ever pay them back. “I do have an idea,” Sans whispered discreetly. Toriel turned to him.

“Yes?”

“You could stay with us.”

Toriel raised her eyebrows, looking slightly surprised, but to be completely honest, she had already thought of this. She looked at Frisk who had fallen asleep in her arms – it was already late night by now – and shook her head. “Nobody can know where we are, frisk and I. Are only home are the ruins.”

Everybody was silent. If Toriel stuck to her decision, they wouldn’t see her in a long while. Papyrus looked sad. Sans talked again. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Taking care of a baby alone is already daunting, but in the ruins you wouldn’t have anyone to help you if something went wrong.”

“T-that’s true!” Alphys cut in. “Frisk has all her chances of being i-ill again! Or hurting herself! There are no doctors in the ruins. No children her age either. Actually, there isn’t anything.”

“I’ll manage,” Toriel assured. “I lived there for so long, I have tricks, habits. And someone has to keep an eye on the entrance, in case other humans fell down.”

“That’s true, you’re right,” Sans conceded. “But nothing would keep you from going there to do so. While if you locked yourself up again…”

“Not to mention Snowdin is a wonderful place!” Papyrus added, eyes shining with hope. “People are lovely and they love us! There are many families with children and a school and if you need to go somewhere you can just ride the Riverperson’s boat! And if anyone bothers you, I, the GREAT PAPYRUS, and my brother, we’ll be there to protect you!”

“It’s very nice of you both, thank you Papyrus. But if Frisk is seen and someone tells Asgore about her…”

“Oh, right, about that…” Undyne said, looking slightly awkward. “When it comes to Snowdin monsters, there are no risks; they don’t know what a human looks like, trust me. Even less a baby. And the ones that could eventually find out would never hurt a little girl. However, uh…” She clenched her fist and unclenched nervously. “I’ll have to tell Asgore myself.”

“What?!” Toriel exclaimed, astonished, ready to snap at her. “I thought you were on our side!”

“I’m still head of the Royal Guard!” Undyne protested. “I wouldn’t hurt Frisk but I have to intentions of betraying my king! Alphys said she had nothing to worry about anyway, right?”

“R-right,” Alphys confirmed. “King Asgore can’t hurt her. N-n-not yet, at l-least,” she added, looking a little unsure. Toriel send her a dubious look and Alphys scratched her neck. “Maybe I should explain again?”

Toiel nodded. Alphys walked up at her computer screen and set up a group of documents, including a graph and a series of charts full of numbers.

“One could compare the evolution of soul power according to age with the evolution of a natural logarithm,” she explained. “The power is infinitely small at birth but grows exponentially for about a year. Then growth slows down with time and evolves in different ways, depending of the type of monster. Uh…” Alphys scratched her neck again. “I-I don’t really have enough data on humans to give exact results b-but their souls assuredly follow a similar evolution. All this to say Frisk’s soul isn’t powerful enough yet to break the barrier, and the king would never hurt a child without a good reason. There is no immediate danger.”

Toriel still seemed dubious. “How much time?”

“What?”

“How much time before it is powerful enough?

“I-I-I can’t be s-sure b-b-but…” Alphys stopped to take a deep breath and averted her eyes. “Four years? Maybe five. It depends on how old she is exactly.”

“That’s not enough,” Toriel said. “She’ll be in danger as soon as she’ll be of any use to that… To Asgore.”

“It won’t happen, Toriel,” Sans said, calmly. “People in Snowdin love nothing more than they love their children. In the ruins, you’ll be alone, you and Frisk, but if you come live with us, the whole town will support you. We will support you. Isn’t that better than hiding for the rest of your lives?”

Toriel silently gave it some thought, weighting the pros and cons, thinking only of what would be best for Frisk. She was scared, both for the little human and for herself. She had spent so many years alone in the ruins, with the Froggits and Whimsuns, watching as time went by, as humans came and left. Going back to a real town like Snowdin. Would people recognize her? If Asgore ever learned she was there, would he come meet her? He had better not. Toriel had decided never to forgive him.

But she was an adult, she could choose to live alone in the ruins. Frisk was going to grow up, she was going to need to meet new people, to learn, to live. Toriel had no right to take that away from her. And the one who would convince her to give up on her child had yet to be born.

“I’ll stay,” she whispered, and an unexpected smile stretched her lips. She felt her eyes sting. She hadn’t realized she was so moved by her new friend’s concern. “I’ll stay with you if you’ll have me.”

Papyrus let out a scream of joy and Alphys cheered. Undyne’s smile was reaching her ears, ans as for Sans, when she turned to him, he was thanking her from the bottom of his eye sockets. Frisk wiggled in her mother’s arms, bothered by the noise. Her little heart was beating like a drum, to the rhythm of her dreams.

When she opened her eyes, the next day, she was still in her mother’s arms as she slept on the couch, in the skeleton brothers’ living room. Papyrus was already doing something in the kitchen. Sans was probably still in bed.

The sun was rising, somewhere. It was the start of a new day, but more importantly of a new life.

There was a child in the living room. Frisk smiled at them.

#my work #fanfiction #undertale #baby frisk au #fablegate #here i am

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coyotalia · 7 years ago

Text

You’re the selfish one here.

Up until last week, I have never been suicidal. I’ve never been able to fathom being such a thing. I love life. All the good, all the bad. Everything. All my memories. The people I’ve met. The year I was born. The schools I went to. The pets I’ve been blessed to have in my life. Everything. It’s all so unique and special. I’ve been morbidly depressed and lonely. I’ve self-harmed a couple times, but never with the intent to die. It was always just to make the pain be physical, and not just be mental or psychological. Physical pain is easier to deal with, in my opinion. I’ve known so many suicidal people and have known people who committed suicide. Although I can empathize with them, I have never understood them. How can you choose to leave life? There’s so much to live for. There’s so much to do. To see. To be. Don’t you want an epic death? I do. I want to die in some heroic way, like D’artagnan in The Man in the Iron Mask. That’d be the perfect death. Don’t you want to live a long life and accomplish your dreams?

And yet…last week I nearly killed myself. It was thoughtless. Emotionless. I had it planned out. I was going to drown myself in the bath tub. But I was banking on having Epsom salts. Why? I was so fucking stressed. I had been having panic attack symptoms all week. I was constantly jittery, exhausted, and was just tired of feeling that way. It’s not like me to want to “end it all”. I always believe in fighting to live. Struggling. Suffering. The hardships of being human, but worth it. But I didn’t feel this way that day. I was too tired. Too done. Imagining myself just relaxing in a hot bath and then letting myself drown sounded so nice. Letting myself drown. Funny, that’s not that easy to do. And drowning is actually one of my biggest fears. This all goes to show that I wasn’t myself. When I realized we didn’t have Epsom salts I grumpily chose to take a shower instead. Still with the same intent. (Though, drowning oneself in a shower is impossibly difficult.) But I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, no version of Wren wants to die. This is so weird.” But it was like I was an autopilot all the same. I knew logically that I didn’t want to die, but I also was still going through with it. I was so chill about it. So relaxed. It didn’t work though. I just fell down numerous times in the shower until I finally gave up. But I remember thinking that it didn’t matter. You know, if I died. No one would notice for a while. No one even knew I fell in the shower three times. So I clothed myself and made a post about it and moved on. By then I was post-suicidal. It didn’t work out, I was over it. The shower had helped me relax and I didn’t feel as panic-y and jittery as before. I felt like I could finally get a good night’s sleep.

But my friend saw my post and got worried. She couldn’t get a hold of me so naturally told my parents who told my sister who eventually called my housemate who I was sitting next to watching a movie with. That was a clusterfuck. By then I was so post-suicidal it was just difficult. Hearing my sister’s teary-eyed voice over the phone. Trying to be strong. I could sense her worry, and her anger, and her sadness. Frustration. I tried to reassure her I was fine and then told her to tell our parents I’m fine. No way would I be calling them. My dad is still upset about his son dying (my half-brother) and my mom and I are fighting right now and she’s just too cry-y for me. But ugh, it was just terrible. But it was also like karma. Because I was on their side a couple months ago when the person I was sitting next to watching the movie with was suicidal. I fought so hard to keep him from killing himself. I even called his ex for help because I didn’t know who else to reach out to. I feel so bad about that now. So when this situation happened, he just sorta smirked at me and said “see how it feels”. I get it now.

And now I get what my one ex said. He was suicidal and I didn’t get it. “I’m here for you. Call me if you feel depressed.” I’d tell him. He’d shrug, like I didn’t get it. He was right, I didn’t. And even now after people in my life heard about my “suicide scare”, they’re the same. “We’re here for you. Don’t feel like you can’t call us if you need to.” But when I felt suicidal, I wasn’t thinking of anyone. I wasn’t thinking that I felt alone and that no one loved me. I know lots of people love me. I know that if I needed to, there were people I could talk to about this. But nobody was in my mind. I wasn’t even in my mind. I was thoughtless, emotionless, calm, collected.

But see here’s the thing. People always say that suicidal people are selfish. As a non-suicidal person, I never quite agreed with that. I didn’t ever understand the logic. How is someone who wants to die selfish? It’s their choice, isn’t it? To live or to die. It’s their life. It’s like, why aren’t people allowed to kill themselves in hospitals or what-not? Why is suicide such a banned thing? Like it’s terrible, yeah, but mostly for the people left behind. I wouldn’t let my friend kill himself not for his sake, but for mine. I needed him. I was depressed and going through some tough shit and was choosing him to lean on. If he killed himself, my life would flip upside down. How would I deal with the emptiness he left behind? And even more practically, he was the main name on the lease and had all the utilities and stuff in his name and had a lot of stuff and we had only just become friends—how did he expect me to fix everything? So I fought to keep him around and over time became very attached. He still says “kill me” or “end me” all the time, and it hurts…it hurts because I feel bad that I didn’t let him go. He wouldn’t be struggling so hard right now if I had just let him go. It was his choice and he had every right to choose it, but I stood in the way. Selfishly. I was the selfish one. I kept him around for me, not for him. And now I’m on the other side of it.

I was in the car with my sister and my brother-in-law. They talked about how I “threatened” to commit suicide and how they feel like everything they’re doing to help me isn’t actually helping. All I could think is, “wow, you’re making this about you.” All I could hear is, “We lent you a shit-ton of money and if you die, how the fuck are we going to get that back?” All I could hear was them complaining about how they don’t feel like they’re good enough for me and that somehow I drove them away or made them seem unimportant. And all I could think was—wow, how selfish. In that day that I felt suicidal, I wasn’t thinking about either of you. I wasn’t thinking that you’re not there for me. I wasn’t thinking that I can’t come to you for help. I wasn’t thinking about how much money I owe you or how I’m going to pay it back or how guilty I feel that I owe you money. That’s all true but I wasn’t thinking about it then. I was just thinking about the nice feeling of soaking up the warm bath water and letting myself go. How nice and warm it would feel. How calm and relaxing. I wasn’t thinking about everything I’d be leaving behind. I wasn’t thinking about the guinea pigs in my care. I wasn’t thinking about paying people back. I wasn’t thinking about people who have helped me or people who have hurt me. I wasn’t thinking of anyone. Just what I wanted to do in that moment. But now in this car you made me think about other stuff. You made me think about how my death would inconvenience you. Just like I worried about my friend. How would his death inconvenience me, when I get past the emotion of it? Selfish, so selfish. Thinking of it switched, if my sister committed suicide…I’d feel hurt. Hurt that she didn’t reach out. Hurt that she broke our special sibling connection. She and I have memories and inside jokes that are only between us. If she took that away, I’d feel so alone. Hurt that she didn’t include me in her decision. So I get where she’s coming from, but that doesn’t make it any less selfish.

This isn’t about you. My life isn’t about you. My death certainly isn’t. But that’s beside the point. I am NOT suicidal. I just was that one time. But now you paint me as this troubled, depressed person that needs help. Yeah, I’m struggling. But I’m not mentally ill. Life is just really hard right now and I don’t think you get how hard that is. I don’t think most people take me seriously. Either they don’t realize how much I’m struggling, or they do but pretend they don’t because they can’t or won’t actually help if I need it.

I don’t know what the point of this post was. Just wanted to get this out, I guess. It’s like now that I’ve felt this way I understand better the people in my life who have felt suicidal, especially the ones who made the decision so calmly and as an independent decision. And I also understand how annoying other people are. People who don’t get it. People who make it about them without even realizing that’s what they’re doing. People who are truly the selfish ones.

If I want to die, that’s my decision. You shouldn’t get a say in it. If you love me, you’ll respect that. If you disregard that and keep me here anyway (like I did to my friend), you should at least acknowledge your own selfishness. I certainly have.

#personal #tw: suicidal #tw: suicide #tw: self-harm #tw: self harm #tagging these things because i dont want to trigger other people by the content of this #i am not suicidal or hurting myself right now #just fyi

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runawayforthesummer · 8 years ago

Text

Chapter 7: Gauntlet (Or Handkerchief?) Thrown

The ball is still going on; Hamilton has resorted to drinking.

After taking his leave and bowing to Eliza Schuyler, Alex went back to drinking mulled cider from the Schuyler orchards spiked with apple brandy from the Pastures’ own trees and followed that, perhaps a bit unwisely, with French wine spiced with cinnamon and cloves.

He is a lightweight. It’s not just canon. It’s fact.

Still, he smokes cigars and drinks whisky like he’s Don fucking Draper.

Taking advantage of the general’s lavish hospitality

Why am I the only one who remembers Philip Schuyler told a 20 year old soldier to sleep in a barn?

...

OMG

Then Hamilton refers to two of the girls surrounding him as

Comely lasses

I want off this train!!!

He thinks these other girls might be fun at another party, but he can’t get over those Schuyler sisters.

Angelica, regal and self-possessed, even next to her less-than-graceful partner…Peggy, laughing vivaciously and looking as though she was dancing with a French court rather than an awkward lad…But above all there was Eliza, wearing a dress more suited to the schoolroom than the ballroom, who had insulted his name and rank at every turn, and had even stepped on his foot—and who made him want nothing more than for her to step on the other.

Why? She’s a bitch.

THE THING IS I have a hard time believing Ham would at all like a girl like this (let alone that I don’t think Eliza was at all like this).

This guy was enormously sensitive about his station and rank and I imagine there were plenty of rich girls who DID insult all those things, and to his face. There’s a reason he married one of them who didn’t.

To me, de la Cruz seems to be lacking of understanding of who either Alex or Eliza were, and what drew them to one another. And that’s why this book is so bad.

And idk again maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t reading it in the context of what I know. But then again, she chose to write historical fiction. You gotta expect this shit will happen.

What was it about the sharp-tongued lass wearing a homespun gown, a modest cotton dress that touched his heart in its bold demonstration of her alliance to the patriot cause?

What bold demonstration? She’s making heart eyes at John Andre! What are you even talking about, Hamilton? What have you seen her do that shows her being a patriot at all? And I’ve talked enough about her dress, so I won’t, but GOD. This book is stupid.

And why on earth was she dancing for the third time with that blasted British office, Major Andre?

GEE HAMILTON B/C SHE WAS MAKING HEART EYES AT HIM.

Some soldier interrupts Hamilton’s dance with one of the Dutch girls he’s using to distract himself from Eliza. Hamilton tries to be kind to the fellow soldier, who has lost a leg in the war. And AT FIRST I got excited that Gouverneur Morris was somehow here.

Instead, it’s a man who decides to insult Hamilton’s background. Fun!

“Normally you would except the son of gentry to shirk the battlefield. But in this case it is the nobody commoner who flees glory and hides behind a clerical duty or some other equally flimsy excuse while the nobleman defends his country’s honor. But then, it isn’t really your country now, is it?”

Hamilton, leave. Go into town. Find a place to crash. Do not put up with this bullshit.

Hamilton tries to save face (without starting a duel) but it takes Stephen van Rensselaer getting involved for “Peterson” to back down.

“Everybody knows you got ‘injured’ when you stabbed yourself in the ankle with your own bayonet while you were loading your gun, and then you fell down drunk in a latrine and got it infected so that it had to be amputated.”

IMAGINE being read like that by a child! Amazing.

Awwww! John Church also stands up for Hamilton! Yay!

Brother-in-laws!!!! (one day)

However, Peterson is not feeling this either.

“You! A lobsterback! You dare to insult me in my own house.”

Eliza, who had been silent throughout the whole exchange, spoke up. “Actually, Mr. Peterson, Mr. Church is not a soldier and hence does not wear a redcoat, and pray I remind you, the Pastures is my father’s house.”

Well at least she wasn’t heinous for once in this book.

Anyway, all the rich people at the party gang up on Peterson and shame him for being an ass. Can they do that to Philip Schuyler next? And then Eliza?

Peterson, though, has some words for Eliza.

“And you, girl. If your mother thinks you will make a rich match, she’s sorely mistaken. No one is interested in a girl afflicted with intellect and opinion and a small dowry! It’s why you only have a redcoat and a clerk as your dance partners this evening!”

Actually, it was pretty common in the area Eliza’s from for girls to be educated. The idea being that she should be smart and able to discuss issues of importance. Yes, it was to help her husband do his job better, but it still mattered that she be well-versed in subjects of the day, especially the war.

There was a shocked silence from the assembled, until Alex spoke, his words cold as the first frost: “You will apologize to the lady.”

“Apologize? For telling the truth?” Peterson sputtered. “Why? Is she your paramour, is that it? Oh, Colonel Hamilton, do not protest—everyone has noticed your interest in the girl. You can barely take your eyes off of her.”

You know, if Eliza weren’t such a demon in this book, I’d really love that Ham is the one more into her than she is into him. Too bad.

Anyway, whatever, this dude storms off.

Eliza turned to Alex. “Thank you,” she said quietly.

Good. Now apologize for being awful earlier.

“It is an honor to come to your defense,” he said with deep sincerity, his heart hammering under his uniform.

“And I must commend you on your restraint. An ugly situation could have grown much uglier had you not shown such decorum.”

Alex smiled. “Those are the kindest words I’ve heard all evening.”

Eliza looked as if she was going to take them back, but she held his gaze and didn’t look away from him. He wished he could tell her how he really felt, but somehow he understood it would not be welcome at this juncture. Alex stepped back with a gentlemanly bow, watching Eliza walk away on the arm of a British major.

:(. You know how normally I only care about women and men are only useful as far as they make that woman happy? I sort of feel like that, except I just want Alex to be happy.

Oh god, hours later, Hamilton is taken to the barn. Apparently he’d thought before that was mostly a joke! :(((((

THIS IS AWFUL.

The interior of the lofty barn at the foot of the hill was no less cold than the November night outside.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, PHILIP SCHUYLER?!

“With the house so full of guests, Mrs. Schuyler was unable to find a spare blanket, but there’s plenty of hay,” Rodger said without sarcasm.

One time, when I was like just out of college, my friends and I got to go to a really fancy New Year’s Eve party at a legit billionaire’s house. It was great until we basically couldn’t arrange a ride home due to the Rose Parade the next morning and the host was like “well you can sleep on the floor. Here’s a blanket for the six of you to share.” I thought THAT was pretty cold. This is so awful.

Before he leaves, Rodger hands him what turns out to be the handkerchief Eliza stuffed down her bra earlier.

It smelled like her perfume, and he inhaled its sweet scent, bringing it to his nose, just as a scrap of paper fluttered out of it.

He’s so gone. He’s so gone!

The note reads:

Wait for me. The hayloft. After the ball.

If Eliza is just tricking him, I’m going to give up reading this book.

Knowing that she wants to see him makes up for having to sleep in a fucking barn.

She would be here soon. It was after the ball. What would he say to her? …

And now she was on her way.

He fought sleep, waiting.

And waiting.

This poor guy.

He falls asleep and wakes up alone in the morning.

I hate her.

I mean, real talk, probably someone else wrote the note, not Eliza, so Hamilton is going to harbor ill feelings for no reason.

But whatever.

Right now, I hate her and feel legit awful for him.

#alex & eliza a love story #melissa de la cruz #live blogging

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gulescamisade · 7 years ago

Text

Virginia: Day 3

TAKODA: -they're all fueled up again and he's back to driving, but he's found another place for them to stop while he tries to figure out the best route to minnesota. he's noticed that a lot of major highways are blocked off by the military, so... it's probably best to avoid those. even if the condesce wants to toy with them as she is, there's no way of predicting anyone else's behavior.-

DEREK: -meanwhile, he's hovering around his brother. takes a seat next to him wherever he's at.- Hey.

DAVENFORTH: -He's been sitting here, thinking too much. Help him. At least his brother is here.- Sup

DEREK: ... I dunno about you but Ive been thinkin a lot about the news.

DAVENFORTH: Nah i havent thought about it even once in fact id forgotten about it entirely

DEREK: Yeah ok.

DEREK: So whats your plan? I know youve got one.

PENNY: -slides closer from like two seats away- what news?

DAVENFORTH: What do you mean are you really asking me if im a bad enough dude to assassinate the presidents

DAVENFORTH: Because thats not even on the table look at every card and lo and behold it aint there conveniently missing like the last piece of the puzzle

DEREK: ...

DEREK: -looks at penny- Dual juggalo presidents.

PENNY: ... -snrk-

PENNY: yall just found out that happened?

DAVENFORTH: Yeah

DEREK: Cant say Ive had much opportunity to keep on top of all the bullshit goin down here.

PENNY: hoo boy well.

PENNY: welcome to the new United States of Whatever.

RILEY: -she was dead asleep, and suddenly, she wakes up. sleeping on a party bus is great. she stretches a little before noticing that penny is talking to Derek and davenforth, but it's hard to know if it's a step forward or backward. which is why she's conveniently pretending to not pay attention but in reality is intensely eavesdropping-

DAVENFORTH: This is my united states of whatever

PENNY: -she still hasn't quite figured out that Derek is her Boy. she's been avoiding looking at Riley a little too much.-

PENNY: and then up comes Zafo and Im like yo Zafo whats up hes like nothin and Im like thats cool.

PENNY: ok but really.

PENNY: the whole things a joke and everybody knows it.

PENNY: but not even a good one.

DAVENFORTH: Pretty dangerous joke

DAVENFORTH: Your new buddy back there finds their very existence offensive

PENNY: yeah well Im more scared of what were doing right now than the clowns sitting in the White House.

PENNY: literal clowns.

DAVENFORTH: Those clowns are a lot more dangerous than you think

RILEY: -why does jodie love the clowns so much-

PENNY: Im a lot more dangerous than they think.

PENNY: theyre just human anyway.

DAVENFORTH: Ill let you fight em then

DEREK: Yeah but. Humans appointed by the queen bee bitch herself no doubt. DEREK: Clearly theyre influencin the populous into a compliant lifestyle under her rule.

DAVENFORTH: Anyway i think we should make a pit stop on the way to minnesota

DAVENFORTH: Let condy were coming

PENNY: oh sure. PENNY: Id love to punch a juggalo in the dick.

DAVENFORTH: Well

DAVENFORTH: Thats good to hear

TAKODA: -glances back at them- UM... NOT TO EAVESDROP, BUT 1 TH1NK WE M1GHT HAVE TO PASS THROUGH D.C. ANYWAY... MOST OF THE H1GHWAYS ARE BLOCKED... ER. THERE ARE TOLLS, BUT, 1'VE BEEN AFRA1D TO... SEE WHAT 1T 1S THEY'RE CHARG1NG... TAKODA: BUT WE ARE CLOSE TO THE CAP1TAL... 1 GUESS WE M1GHT AS WELL... STOP THERE... -doesn't seem keen on the idea though-

HIGHBLOOD: to eavesdrop, weren't like it wasn't gonna already get up and goin on, bein in the middle of that route makes shit easier =Dueces from the back=

PENNY: WOOOOOO!!!!

DAVENFORTH: Kill the figureheads and send the heart a message

DAVENFORTH: She can be touched

PENNY: fuck troll booths GO JOHN WILKES BOOTH.

RILEY: -done with eavesdropping apparently- are we assassins now?

MAYOR: -produces a burger King crown and stomps on it on the floor. NO MASTERS. NO KINGS.-

DEREK: Lil dude knows whats up.

PENNY: YEEAAHHH BOIII.

DEREK: -to be fair riley some of us here have always been assassins.-

DAVENFORTH: -Sweats-

RILEY: -WELL I HAVENT-

QIRIN: =she has almost been assassinated several dozen times. does that count as experience?=

RILEY: -aside from assassinating the abstract concepts of family-

PENNY: -YOU DID SUCCEED AT THAT-

QIRIN: =ladies=

PENNY: so whats the plan? how are we doing it?

RILEY: anarchy.

HIGHBLOOD: you'll find the how's always changin sis HIGHBLOOD: best to do it, get it done cause ain't no event can be planned down

DAVENFORTH: Especially not with clowns in the mix

DAVENFORTH: Trust me we got this

PENNY: so were driving the party bus into the White House. got it.

TAKODA: (UHH...)

HIGHBLOOD: hell yeah

DAVENFORTH: Not quite but close

TAKODA: (OH... THAT'S A REL1EF... PROBABLY?)

RILEY: but still with a bang.

TAKODA: ST1LL... 1T WOULD PROBABLY BE ADV1SABLE, 1F WE HAD SOME K1ND OF PLAN, BEFORE WE ROLLED 1NTO THE CAP1TAL... -fidgets nervously-

RILEY: no plan. everyone for themselves. if our plans contradict each other's and we all die, oh well.

HIGHBLOOD: amen sis, everybody's gotta go sometime

RILEY: -oh my god he's being serious-

HIGHBLOOD: :o)

TAKODA: ...

RILEY: that is not actually what i think we should do.

RILEY: just putting that out there.

HIGHBLOOD: =Is he? Who knows= here i was under some mass assumption that the ones all up without alla that gumption and fight experience was gonna leap they asses into the fray wills n nills flung about

DEREK: -snickers. oops.-

RILEY: -unimpressed face at derek-

DEREK: -love u...-

RILEY: -UH HUH-

DEREK: -just winks-

RILEY: -acts like she's pushing her hair out of her face but she is only using her middle finger-

DAVENFORTH: I could probably get in easy enough by myself

DAVENFORTH: Doubt the security is much of anything

HIGHBLOOD: =sNRK, they really aren't much of anything he's sure=

RILEY: don't play the hero. -THIS AINT OVERWATCH AND YOU ARE NOT A BAD GENJI-

DAVENFORTH: Hardly playing hero

RILEY: then who's gonna be your backup?

DEREK: That would be me.

RILEY: then who's going to be YOUR back up?

DAVENFORTH: We got each others backs thats three sixty coverage

DAVENFORTH: We could take molly hes rowdy enough -That's you ghb-

HIGHBLOOD: i was already headed there but i could leave a trail for y'all :oP =eats nachos at=

PENNY: alright well I call dibs on the getaway bus.

RILEY: can we make sure my kid has a dad and an uncle and a...big clown guy by the time we leave D.C.? no stupid reckless shit.

DEREK: Baby please when have I ever been reckless?

PENNY: -side eyes-.........

PENNY: kid?

HIGHBLOOD: =eats these nachos and watches this=

RILEY: all the fucking time. -glances at penny- yeah. kid.

DEREK: --

DAVENFORTH: Pretty sure lif would kill me if i died

PENNY: -she's real quiet now, staring at the floor of the bus.-

RILEY: hilarious. -she notices penny's demeanor change and isn't quite sure why, but figuring out her sister now isn't as easy it was when sadness went away with hugs and singing made her happy-

PENNY: -She's working her jaw and tapping her foot as the seconds and the minutes go by, and then before long she hops up and rushes to the little bus bathroom, clanging the door shut behind her.-

DEREK: -watches her storm off- ... -looks back at riley-

RILEY: -also watches- well, shit.

DAVENFORTH: Damn

ROXANNE: -With the sound of the bus bathroom door shutting she starts to wake up from her nap in the back of the bus. Why people gotta be noisy.-

LIFERA: -probably snuggled up to Roxanne too. It's a cuddle nap party in the back of the bus.-

ROXANNE: -Sits up some more only to have the donuts GHB apparently stacked on her head while she was out topple onto her lap.- ........... -blinks at them.-

ROXANNE: -Also heck, fish queen is adorable, shes taking care not to wake her as she sits up and quietly stretches.-

HIGHBLOOD: =In which case Lifera has donuts on her horns=

ROXANNE: -That... is amusing.- ROXANNE: -Okay time to stretch her legs, she carefully gets up from the back of the bus snuggle pile and moves herself forward towards the rest of the awake people.- ROXANNE: -Sits and dusts donut crumbs off herself.- So. Miss anything interestin'?

DEREK: Only that were gonna storm the white house and assassinate the presidents.

ROXANNE: ....Are we bein' serious or not in saying that?

RILEY: -her mind's a little elsewhere and she keeps having to focus on not looking at the bathroom door.-

ROXANNE: -Maybe Riley needs a nap. Naps are pretty relaxing. Just look how calm Roxanne is right now.-

RILEY: -NOBODY ASKED YOU ROXANNE!!!!!!-

DEREK: I cant believe yall are accusing me left and right of taking such serious subjects lightly. Unbelievable.

ROXANNE: Thats not technically an answer.

ROXANNE: Just want to be clear on whatever plan people are makin' up when im snoozing.

RILEY: baseless accusations. -she's gonna move next to Derek because too many feelings about family right now.-

ROXANNE: -Props her feet up on the empty seat next to her.-

DEREK: -wraps an arm around riley. relax, babe.- For real though thats the plan. DEREK: Were right on the Capitals doorstep. In the middle of a war. The Condesce thinks she can do whatever the fuck she wants with any idiot working under her. DEREK: Might as well send her a message.

RILEY: -leans against him.- they wanna fuck shit up.

ROXANNE: -Mmmmm, she certainly feels conflict over this idea. On one hand, earth is her home and damn right shes all for getting rid of this clown presidency bullshit. However, her biggest priority is to find and get back to her loved ones asap...-

ROXANNE: I get the sentiment.

ROXANNE: You make it sure sound easy though.

DAVENFORTH: Its just juggalos how hard could it be

ROXANNE:

President

juggalos. Even Trump had protection.

DEREK: Yeah but Derek and Davenforth Strider werent alive back then. -this cocky motherfucker-

ROXANNE: -He is the most cocky.- ROXANNE: Mmmhm.

DEREK: -more winking-

ROXANNE: -Manboy please.-

JODIE: -burps-

ROXANNE: -Side eyes Jodie at the burp.-

JODIE: scuzie.

HIGHBLOOD: blame it on the bubbly sis =he's probably shared faygo with her=

JODIE: i thought y'all would be more anxious to reunite with yer kid.

ROXANNE: I sure am.

ROXANNE: No offense to porrim but my skin has been crawlin' knowin russet is on the ship without at least one of us.

QIRIN: =has she been pacing? yup=

JODIE: sorry...kids.

DAVENFORTH: -Sighs-

RILEY: we are all very far apart i think so... i'm not sure this detour will take away much time at all.

JODIE: yeah. 'caus eoverthrowin the government is really just a pit stop.

ROXANNE: It's goin' to take more time them going straight there.

ROXANNE: Also there is the whole.

ROXANNE: I dunno' chance of dying?

DAVENFORTH: Jinjin is in good hands besides what were doin is gonna help make a better place for them to grow up

JODIE: do you really think everythin is gonna work out exactly as you plan it to. -just staring flatly-

DEREK: Yep.

ROXANNE: -She's with you Jodie.-

JODIE: i mean you're the ninja's not me.

RILEY: ain't dave in alaska? and dirk is in the black hole of texas.

JODIE: 'sides it hought you all were apart of a crew but i don't see you askin permission.

DAVENFORTH: Im real bad at doing that

ROXANNE: Wow the confidence is unreal. -She's a little salty that Derek isn't more anxious to get back to his kids.-

DAVENFORTH: Ask my nephew

JODIE: sounds like arrogant, poorly planned bs.

JODIE: this is just a testosterone-fest.

JODIE: -snorts-

DAVENFORTH: No this is about sending a fucking message

JODIE: don't try to make it seem all noble. at lesat be honest. haha.

DEREK: -naturally he's anxious to see them, but he's with his brother here...-

RILEY: -watches jodie-

ROXANNE: -Stand up to your brother-

DEREK: -why would he stand up to him when he agrees with him??-

HIGHBLOOD: =Plays tense, appropriate music for the bickering humans. Tramatic muffled trumpet softly in the bg=

DAVENFORTH: This is about telling her that were not standing for this bullshit she knows were coming but shes gonna know were coming with a goddamn vengeance im not gonna let my daughter grow up in the grips of a galaxy that despises her fuckin existence and im damn sure not gonna let her live with the same bullshit ive gone through

JODIE: -sad trombone would be more fitting in her opinion-

DAVENFORTH: If youve got a problem youre welcome to walk

JODIE: i'm just sayin, you can't go around claiming this is the best plan for everyone. it's just the best plan for yer ego.

JODIE: i ain't going anywhere.

JODIE: i don't have any special powers. and i ain't got no leg to stand on when it comes to decision making. i'm barely a crew member.

ROXANNE: Im siding with Jodie on this. ROXANNE: Im really all for taking the ax to this new government, but we've got other issues to deal with first.

ROXANNE: We can meet up with everyone else and regroup an attack later.

DAVENFORTH: You can go too i dont give a shit

ROXANNE: Right now we are spread thin, with no back up, no intell. And like hell you two are doin' it on your own.

JODIE: -just snort laughs.-

JODIE: well, there wasn't no harm in trying. -JUST CHINHANDING.-

DAVENFORTH: Im not askin for backup and im not asking you to be alright with it ill go it alone if i goddamn have to but im not just gonna let this woman have her way with earth like she has every other planet

DAVENFORTH: Shes fucking playing us

DAVENFORTH: Weve lost too much we hold dear

DAVENFORTH: Its her fucking turn

ROXANNE: -Stares straight at Derek like "Can you believe this??"-

JODIE: -shrugalugs at riley and then just sprawls over the bus seat again.-

DEREK: -sorry ro...- We gotta pass through DC regardless so.

DEREK: Maybe yall dont wanna go with us but aint nothin gonna stop me and him from trying.

QIRIN: | )

ROXANNE: -STARES HARDER.-

DAVENFORTH: Just drop us off fuck it

ROXANNE: Derek. You got one infant girl on a ship hundreds of miles away. ROXANNE: And another unborn baby sittin' right next to you.

ROXANNE: ...Are you actually bein' serious right now???

ROXANNE: You can be as confident as you want but you know going through with that plan means you might Die right?

DAVENFORTH: Third times the charm -Scoffs-

JODIE: if you can't convince em not to do it, you should try to minimize the damage.

QIRIN: >_> =what did u say=

DAVENFORTH: -YOU HEARD HIM-

RILEY: -she doesn't know exactly what to say here. she considers herself stuck either way. There's no winner here. Some of the most stubborn people she knows are in this bus. she sighs, rubbing her own neck-

DEREK: -stfu dave u ain't dying.-

JODIE: -looking at Roxanne- you're a smart lady arentcha. they'd have a better chance of survivin if you helped.

QIRIN: Is the term not "three strikes, you are out"?

ROXANNE: -Side eyes Jodie even more.- Of course im helpin' if he goes through with this stupid plan.

JODIE: cool beans.

DEREK: -scoffs a little. incredible...-

DEREK: Well yeah Im goin through with it.

ROXANNE: Maybe hopefully he'll realize how crazy this is if both of Russet's parents are at risk--

ROXANNE: -YOU ARE REALLY TESTING HER DEREK.-

RILEY: -while they're talking, she moves Derek's arm off of her and walks off where she sits in the back-

ROXANNE: -Her eyes follow Riley, shes pretty miffed she didn't say anything in this argument.-

JODIE: -she's also judging riley for this tbh-

JODIE: -but she's already accepted her fate. she's doing all she can to help, at least for jamie's sake.-

DAVENFORTH: -He's quiet. Thinking about his two daughters. How condy's reign would mean their literal deaths.-

QIRIN: =She's thinking utter subjugation and ruin of her people=

QIRIN: =though both are not pretty thoughts=

RILEY: -she thinking about history repeating itself and how truly fucked they'll all be this time-

DAVENFORTH: -But he's also thinking about Beforus, Europa, the people here on Earth. How much would it mean to end the figureheads of their subjugation. Would it spur them on to fight? Would Condy's grasp on Earth slip even a little bit?-

JODIE: -She's thinking about how aginst this James would be.-

JODIE: -Sorry charlie!-

JODIE: -If somebody stronger was here in her eplace.-

RILEY: -she wasn't thinking about the consequences much before. but where the hell is she going to have to wait around while all this happens?-

DAVENFORTH: I think everyone who doesnt want in should continue to minnesota

RILEY: -from the back, a little irritated- and wait?

JODIE: no. i'm gonna help. -SPITEFUL-

JODIE: -maybe you get to do this, but she's not going to let you HAVE this-

DAVENFORTH: Thats your choice

DAVENFORTH: You just gonna wait in dc riley

JODIE: -She's liking Davenforth less and less all the time. Stupid jerk.-

RILEY: i don't fucking know. i sure as hell ain't going out of state away from you three while you try to pull this off.

DAVENFORTH: -It's fine he's used to it-

RILEY: i don't want to leave anybody behind.

DAVENFORTH: I respect that

DAVENFORTH: I dont want yall in danger for somethin you didnt sign up for i aint forcin that on anyone but im doin this

ROXANNE: Do you honestly think you would be doing it alone. Not everyone on this bus is okay with letting some of us go on a possible suicide mission.

DAVENFORTH: You should know me by now ro

JODIE: -Snorts.- so charitable.

RILEY: look, if i didn't have a tiny person inside of me, then i'd jump in and help.

ROXANNE: Guess I thought I did. -She shrugs.-

ROXANNE: Im doin' it with you two, but im not happy 'bout it. Actually Im pretty pissed.

ROXANNE: We do live through this I'm kicking your asses myself after we get back to the ship.

QIRIN: =clears her throat after a very long time of being quiet= I would like to hear more of this plan of yours if you or...we are to go through with this.

DAVENFORTH: Everyones kicking my ass after this one probably

TAKODA: -all these bad vibes... he's just going to go back to driving since they uh... have a plan now, he guesses. he's mostly uneasy because he knows, as a part of the resistance, they should take an opportunity as it's presented to them...-

RILEY: -rubbing her forehead-

DEREK: -his guilt isn't obvious, but it's definitely there. he doesn't want to endanger anybody here, and it ain't as if he wants to orphan any of his kids, but... sometimes you gotta follow your gut. he's just keeping quiet for now.-

RILEY: -she puts her hood of the jacket she's wearing up and turns so that she's watching everything pass by, damn hormones and emotions making her eyes all watery-

JODIE: -drinks-

RILEY: -IF ONLY SHE COULD-

#robynsaint #transienttutor #tenaciousgodliness #weatheringQuerist #trunculentcampyman #golighttumbler #temulenceGenetrix

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thenihilistofthevoid · 7 years ago

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Fifty Shades of Stark

(I read Fifty Shades of Gray ages ago when I was in college and thought I could do one better. This is the interview part, but replacing Christian Grey with Tony Stark and Anastasia Steele with Saburo Izayoi. This post will contain heavy elements of Scarletsteelshipping Saburo Izayoi x Tony Stark. Also it’s a sort of thank you to @maninanironcan and @tonyslittleworkshop for RPing with me, also I’d like to know if I’m portraying Tony right.) “I’m supposed to go interview Tony Stark but I’m sick... Saburo, can you go interview him for me?” Thomas asked, looking up at Saburo desperately. “Fine, Thomas. You owe me, though.” Saburo said tiredly, running his hand through his hair as he went to change into something more suitable for an interview with one of the world’s most powerful CEO’s. “You’re the best, Saburo.” The blonde and redheaded man said, sipping at the soup in his cup as Saburo put on his best suit, brushing his hair so he looked more respectable businessman than dragged through a bush backwards. Getting in his old Honda Civic, he put the address Thomas texted him into his GPS and drove off, it wasn’t like he had plans today anyway. He’d already finished off the coursework he had been given yesterday and was just going to veg out and binge watch Naruto in his dressing gown.

It didn’t take long to arrive at the tower, shimmering glass reflecting New York like a mirror, the train would have been easier but the noise would just make his headache worse. Thankfully this place had parking, although his car wasn’t worth stealing. Not much he owned was to be honest, he was like everyone else, a University Student drowning in his own debt trying to get his degree. Nothing particularly different from many other people his age, he had a job in the city as a waiter and good lord the general public were irritating to deal with. Swimming and Aikido Training 6 days a week to remain in perfect shape. He ate well with the occassional indulgence and like many people who pulled consistent all-nighters, had a serious thing for coffee. Preferably from Starbucks, but filter coffee was also acceptable in his eyes. He had to remain perfect as to maintain his high status. His marks were excellent, top of the class. Yet with all this perfection, came the sacrifice of feeling isolated, missing out on social activities and being generally excluded from most things because people thought he was “too good” for them. The lonliness was especially crushing during the dark nights where it threatened to suffocate him. He wanted to be able to connect with others but his own perfectionism disallowed that. His eating disorder, bulimia nervosa was still a dirty stain on his supposedly perfect image, thankfully nobody had found out about it yet. He felt tired all the time but didn’t let it show. It was ironic, that the person he was going to interview might be one of the few people who might understand his position and where he was coming from. Sleep was an unaffordable commodity most of the time, but on his day off he slept in to recover the hours he lost from staying up most of the other nights doing work or working out. And as for romance or a relationship outside of friendships, he had no time for it. He attracted attention from girls he wasn’t into, although he hadn’t come out yet. A few boys gave him the look but Saburo was generally known as almost unattainable, people thought he had standards that were impossibly high instead of the fact that he simply wasn’t interested. He quickly arrived at the reception desk. “I’m here to interview Tony Stark for the New York University Student Newspaper. My roommate, Thomas Arclight was supposed to do it but he’s ill so I’m standing in for him. My name is Saburo Izayoi.” Saburo told the woman, who sent the info up to Tony. “Of course, go right up. Floor 3.” She said, perfectly polite. Saburo nodded and entered the elevator with a tall, blonde man. Extremely well-built, even more so than Saburo. He stood at about 6 foot or so. Absolutely gorgeous blue eyes... Saburo shook such thoughts out of his head. “You a new intern?” Steve asked, trying to break the tensions since Saburo was quite clearly intimidated by him. “No, I’m interviewing Mr. Stark.” He replied calmly, taking his glasses out of his jacket pocket and putting them on. The doors opened, and the blonde stepped forward. “Well, good luck.” He said with a smile. “Thank you.” Saburo replied, smiling back before the doors closed and ascended to the floor Saburo wanted, he quickly got out. “You must be Mr. Izayoi, right?” A dark-haired woman asked, coming up to him. “Yes... I imagine reception notified you of the change?” Saburo replied, the lady nodded. “Would you like a drink? Tea, Coffee?” She asked, guiding Saburo to a black leather sofa. “Coffee please.” He replied quietly, the butterflies were swarming in his stomach as he sat down, the woman rushing off and coming back a few minutes later with a cup of coffee with a small bowl of sugar lumps and some milk, Saburo just adding milk to the coffee and sipping it quietly as he went through the notes and questions Thomas gave him. “Mister Stark will see you now.” Pepper said, looking up from the computer at the dark-haired university student who was finishing the coffee he’d been given. “Thank you.” Saburo nodded as the doors were opened for him, that’s when he saw Tony Stark for the first time, in the flesh. He appeared taller than he did on television and his office was impeccably decorated. Everything was within his expectations, of course. “Mr. Izayoi? I’m afraid I’ve only got 10 minutes.” Tony asked, looking at the University Student. “Yes... Please, just call me Saburo, Mr. Stark.” The brown-haired man said, sitting down and getting his notebook out. “Are you doing journalism as well?” Tony asked, sitting opposite Saburo. “No, Psychology. I’m doing finals next week and I want to become a doctor in it.” He replied, staring at the man for a second before looking at the questions and started crossing them off. “You’re crossing the questions out...” Tony said, staring at the paper. “They’re questions to which you must have answered millions of times before. They’re boring and uninspired, so I’ll have to make my own set of questions.” Saburo replied, writing his own set of questions in Japanese. “You donate significant amounts of money to charity, I’m curious as to why. Because you’re not doing it to make your public image look better like other, self-centered celebrities, you donate far too much for that.” Saburo asked. “I donate that much money because I know not everyone has it as well off as I do. I want to try and help people, which is why I became Iron Man.” Tony replied, suppressing a smirk. “You’re certainly an interesting one...” Tony thought to himself, staring at Saburo. “Don’t give me such a predictable answer, Tony. You’re hiding behind a facade of perfectionism like I do, because it takes one to know one. The world puts you on a pedestal and you have to appear perfect.” Saburo thought, writing the answer down.

“Your Stark Expo every year draws in large crowds and you appear to love the attention. Stark-Fujikawa is based out of Akihabara District, Tokyo. It developed the technology for your Heads-Up Display in various SHIELD applications and your suits. Technology seems to be at the core of your heart and soul. Tell me, do you think people rely too much on the technology developed nowadays? I suppose what I am asking is, do you think we’re becoming less human with the advent of computerization of society?” Saburo inquired, this answer should give him an interesting insight onto Tony’s psychology. The mind of a CEO was something he wanted to probe. Ask the right questions, and that could be achieved.

“I think it’s important we don’t lose sight of ourselves in the midst of all this. Technology is meant to be a tool in our lives, not the dominating force.The people who know me can confirm I believe this.” Tony replied calmly, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “Would you like some?” He asked Saburo. “Yes please, Mr. Stark.” Saburo replied. “That’s a bit more like it, so you clearly feel swamped by all this technology yet you don’t dare cut it out of your life. It keeps you alive yet you clearly feel controlled by it.” Saburo thought to himself. “Please call me Tony, Saburo. Mr. Stark makes me sound like my Father.” Tony replied. “There’s the parental issues, I thought he had those but those eyes of his and the response to being called Mr. Stark confirms it.” Saburo added to his thoughts. This was turning out to be a lot more interesting than he expected. Their fingers brushed slightly as Saburo took his coffee cup from Tony. He was almost gentle, he had a soft expression on his face. “I want to ask you some questions. I want to know more about you.” Tony said to Saburo which surprised the psychologist. “T-There really isn’t much to know about me. I’m 21, I’m a Psychology Student at New York University. I was born in Osaka and I moved here with my brothers 5 years ago...” Saburo replied, sipping at the drink. “What made you want to study psychology?” Tony asked Saburo, leaning back and looking at the small man properly. “The human mind is fascinating... I also want to help people with their own thoughts, their violent impulses. To try and repair the damaged minds of others or to save people from those who would do them harm...” Saburo said quietly, looking back at Tony as the dark-haired woman entered.

“Your next meeting is here, Mr. Stark.” She said, Saburo began packing his things but Tony held a hand out to stop him. “Cancel it, please. We’re not finished here.” The man said, the woman nodding and leaving quickly. “W-Why did you...” Saburo asked, shocked by that. “Why don’t you ask me a question you would like to know?” The CEO asked the psychology student. “Earlier, you said about the people who know you... Why do I think that nobody really knows you...” Saburo asked, Tony going a little red. “He figured it out...” The CEO thought to himself. “What are you going to do after you graduate?” Tony continued his line of enquiry, changing the subject. “I-I’m just trying to get through finals...” The psychology student added, smiling a little. He felt flustered, nobody made him do that before. “We offer an excellent internship program...” Tony said, leaning forward a little. “I’m not sure I’d fit in here...” Saburo laughed a little at that. “I-I mean, look at me.” He added, using self-deprciating remarks to decrease his self-worth. “I am.“ The CEO replied softly.

Saburo felt warm inside when Tony said that... A compliment. He was used to them from other students but they meant nothing to him, but a compliment from Tony Stark... That was worth something and it was so genuine... “I-I had better go. I need to go write this all up.” Saburo stated, Tony nodding. “Of course.“ He said, personally escorting Saburo to the elevator, something which made Saburo feel honored. “I hope you got everything you needed, I only answered two questions...” Tony said. “It’s fine, I have enough information for the article. T-Thank you for the interview...” Saburo said quietly, turning to face the elevator, Tony taking this chance discreetly take Saburo’s information card from his notebook, Saburo didn’t notice. “It’s no problem.” Tony replied with a smile as the elevator arrived, Saburo stepping into it and facing the CEO of Stark Industries. “Saburo.” Tony spoke quietly as a sort of farewell. “Tony...” Saburo replied before the elevator doors shut.

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canaryatlaw · 8 years ago

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Okay damn it's late but it's alright cuz I can sleep in tomorrow and I took another accidental dozed off in the middle of my books naps tonight, lol. It was around 5:30 when I was like I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew it was 9 pm, lol. Whoops. I was all around lazy today and waking and such, idk what that's necessarily about, but I was apparently unwilling to get out of bed in the morning so I convinced myself I could skip the service and just go with the babies, then sleep extra and just uber to church, so I did that and points for being lazy, lol. The nursery was pretty light, my other person did show up but then got recruited to go to the preschoolers room because they had like, 20 2-3 year olds running around and we had like, one baby at this point lol and they knew I could handle a bit more chaos than that on my own. We ended up getting 3 with another girl willing to stay with me which I appreciated of course, though I probably could've gotten through it on my own, it was very smooth, not a tear dropped by anyone the whole time, which is quite impressive I assure you. The girl who was a bit older kept going back to the gate and trying to climb it for a while (they do that a lot, we call it them trying to break out) but every time I managed to get her to come back and play. Then there was that sweet little boy we had last week that's just such a cute little chunker and he'll just sit and be perfectly happy with a toy for an entire hour, haha he was so sweet and of course no trouble. The last one was the little 6 month old girl who's the daughter of one of the ladies on the team, I've talked about her before because she is soooooo cute. She has gotten fussy in the past and we'd had to text her mom a few times, but I knew her mom had fed her right before the service so I didn't anticipate any problems and we didn't have any. I wish I could show you her cute little smile, it's just the most adorable thing. So we played with all of them, nothing too crazy. At one point I had the little girl on my lap and the older girl decided she also wanted to be on my lap haha so I had to do some shifting to make sure nobody was gonna get sat on, but other than that we managed just fine, so I'm calling that a win (really any nursery day with not a single tear shed is a major win, because that's damn near impossible really). Talked to a few people on my way out, and passed the family of the cute little girl who used to always be in the nursery with me but has now moved on to the twos, and while I was like, still a bit down the hallway she sees me and is immediately like "hi!! Hi!!!!" and waving at me and she's just the cutest little thing. At some point we're gonna end up restructuring how we split the kids up, instead of just by age we're gonna do it by mobility, so we'd have the younger babes who can't crawl or anything in one area, and then the crawlers in another and the walkers in another, hopefully all somewhat interconnected, I don't know all the details but hopefully it means I'll get to see some more of her. The way we have it now is generally fine, and the older kids are usually very gentle with the little ones, but kids still learning to walk trip and stumble and we wouldn't want them doing that onto another baby if we could help it, lol. So after that I headed home, and when I got off the train I saw I had some time before the next bus was gonna come, so I decided to take the donut shop up on their offer for half a dozen free donuts, so I got in there and asked for the manager like I'd been told, and I talked with him for a few minutes because he just really wanted to understand the situation, like he had the video footage of it but that can only explain so much. So of course I said I didn't want to get anyone in trouble and I knew it wasn't malicious or any ill-intent on their part, and I knew they had policies they had to follow, but I thought it was an oversight that could've been dealt with better and wanted to make them aware of it so hopefully next time it's handled better. So of course he thanked me for saying something and bringing it to their attention, and that they have to deal with different individuals causing trouble in the store sometimes but they would never want to actively put someone in danger so he appreciates me telling him about the situation. For the donuts, I told him he could just give me an assortment of his favorites (sans nuts of course) and so he did and I headed over to the bus stop and hopped on the bus home. It was around 3:30 at this point so I wanted to get to work, so I pulled out my stuff and kept working on my paper, trying to work on the stuff that I'd actually need for my presentation. The actual paper is up to 16 pages now and has a good amount of the substance written, it's just a matter now of coming up with things like a budget, and a strategic plan going forward and board of directors, and all that other boring shit lol but hopefully I won't need that for the presentation. I did write something up about fundraising efforts, so hopefully that will suffice for talking about the money side of things (I'm not particularly worried there, I have plenty of info to talk about so I'm not gonna run out of things to say). Apparently after two hours I passed out with my laptop still on lap (like it actually was) and woke up at 9, lol, so I called it a night for working on the project since I had everything I think I needed, and I'd just use it to create an outline since he doesn't want us reading from a paper, I figure if I have short cues about an issue I can talk about it plenty without the assistance of my paper since this is all stuff I'm super passionate about (that's the hope anyway, I'll still probably have my paper up there with me, but hopefully I won't have to use it much). While I did this and other computer stuff, I turned 13 Reasons Why on and watched episodes 6-10, and I gotta say, damn, this show is so heavy. Like, obviously I knew that going in. But the grief is just so heart wrenching to watch, especially from her parents. And I think that hits me so hard because looking back on my own teenage years I can see now what my killing myself would've done to my family, and it just would've utterly destroyed them. I have this image in my head of my mom finding my unresponsive body, hanging from the ceiling fan in my room (and I have no idea where that came from because that was never something I ever considered) and her just screaming and screaming over and over and it just haunts me to know that I could've done that to my family because I simply couldn't see past all of the despair and hopelessness that had completely taken over my life. And I can just think how happy I am that I held on. That I didn't do that to my family. That I never put them through that. I would never want to hurt my parents like that, or even my brothers- I still harbored a lot of anger towards them at that point because I felt they had ruined my childhood and were the major reason I was dealing with all of this now, I wouldn't want this to be something that haunted their entire lives when they were admittedly still kids too. I don't even want to start talking about my sister because we'll be here all night and I don't really feel like crying any more (I've shed a few tears writing this so far) and I already detailed my feelings there in my post from the other night if you are really curious. I just....for all the criticism the show is getting from the mental health community, and much of it is very valid criticism, I think they're doing a very good job of showing the effects of suicide on those they left behind. The whole blame game approach isn't really a healthy one, but I think it could definitely have an effect on a kid who's having issues, for them to see just how much her death affected everyone she left behind. As far as the actual plot, I'm very glad Clay actually leveled with his mom about his friendship with Hannah and just how much it was affecting him. I don't think we'd get this scene, but I would SO love to see Clay's mom storm into her big power fancy law firm and tell them they can take their case and shove it because she refuses to be a part of something like that. Like I don't think they'd show that but I really wish they would. It's strange though, because the lawsuit subplot wasn't in the books, and honestly for me it changes everything I want to happen at the end of this- like I find myself actively wanting the tapes to be exposed and used at the trial, and just absolutely rip the school to shreds for all the ways they failed this poor girl. I know that would have personal repercussions likely for the other people on the tapes, but that would really feel like justice for me. Now, I kinda doubt that's gonna happen because it would be a major deviation from the book and the book's general premise, but I would like to say it. Okay, I think that's most of what I had to say about it. Watched the sexual assault scene like that was horrific and could definitely be triggering for survivors, but I am glad they included it to show just how awful what they were talking about really was. Okay, I think that's really it. And that ends my day, and I could get to bed being that it's now almost 2:30 am. Goodnight my babes. Stay sweet.

#daily journal #April 2017

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