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drabblesandsnippets · 5 days ago

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Whatever You Need

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Plus-size female reader

Summary: (3.3k) Bucky comforts you during a rough time.

Background: Reworking of this snippet. It’s been a rough few weeks (for a lot of folks, I’m sure) and I couldn’t stop thinking about this one. To everyone who struggles with their mental health, please be kind to yourself.

Warnings: 18+ Only. Mention of insomnia, depression, anxiety. Angst. Fluff. Attempt at a bit of humor? Soft and sweet Bucky. Established relationship. Pet names (sweetheart, doll). Non-sexual nudity & touching. Kissing. Cuddling. Brief mention of/alluding to past sexual intimacy.

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You sit by the open window, breathing in the heavy scent of the steady rain, listening to the thunder getting closer. You should be in bed, with Bucky’s arms wrapped around you, snuggling you back to sleep. But, you can’t seem to make yourself go.

It’s been weeks of this. Insomnia. Depression. Anxiety. Every day, things feel just a bit more hopeless, like you’re barely treading water, surely to go under at any moment. Rationally, you know this will pass, as it always does, you just have to wait it out and hope you don’t drown in the meantime.

The closer the storm gets, the more anxious you feel. As if the energy of the weather is triggering your fight or flight response. You push open the window a bit more and scoot closer to the screen, imagining yourself out in the storm, getting soaked to the bone. At least then you’d have a reason for the way your body is currently shaking.

“Sweetheart,” the tenderness of Bucky’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts and you glance over to find him watching you from the doorway. You have no idea how long he’s been standing there, wearing just his underwear and an obvious look of concern on his face.

You let out a heavy sigh and bite back the unnecessary apology, turning your attention back to the storm, a wave of guilt making your stomach flip. Bucky’s done everything he can to be patient with you, and never once has he made you feel like you’re a burden, but it’s taken an obvious toll on your relationship. The way you’ve kept him at arm’s length, scared to let him see how much you’re really struggling.

Your racing thoughts are interrupted again when Bucky comes closer, now barely a foot from the window nook where you sit. “I just wanna take care of you.” You turn your head to watch him slowly crouch down next to the seat, never once taking his eyes off you, a soft smile on his face. “It’s okay if you don’t want me to.”

You immediately shake your head, needing him to understand it’s not about that. Your mouth opens, the words on the tip of your tongue, but nothing comes out. This is how it’s been for weeks. Words desperately trying to claw their way out, only to get stuck in your throat with no escape.

The frustration easily builds, fresh tears pricking your eyes, and you look away again, letting out a shuddering breath. Bucky should just give up on you. Leave you to wallow in self-pity and loneliness. He never will though, no matter how much you think you might deserve it.

“It’s also okay if you do want me to,” he continues, his hand slowly reaching out towards you, the tips of his fingers ghosting over the blanket wrapped around you, waiting for permission to touch you.

Bucky sees you, understands you in ways no one ever has. Your independence is your shield, something you’ve carefully cultivated. You’ve handled everything that life’s thrown at you on your own, and relying on someone else doesn’t come easy. It has absolutely nothing to do with him, but he can still be there for you, if you’ll let him.

“It’s okay if you need me to take care of you.”

His gentle assurance breaks your resolve, the tears currently blurring your vision spilling over your lashes, and the only thing you can do is bury your face in your hands, trying to hide from him. Bucky’s not one to give up so easily, choosing to join you, taking a spot on the edge of the seat instead of breaking the physical distance, his hand now inches from your sock-covered foot.

“You don’t have to look at me,” he promises, letting the words process before he continues, “I just want you to listen, okay? Can you do that, please?”

All you can manage is a slight nod as you try to stifle a sniffle, your breaths uneven, willing yourself to stop the fresh tears threatening to build.

No matter how many times you’ve been down this road - both alone and together - it never seems to get easier. Especially when Bucky’s male ego tells him he’s supposed to fix this, that it’s his job to put you back together and all you have to do is let him.

It’s a ridiculous notion, one he does his best to ignore, choosing instead to tell you, “I know it’s scary to admit you’re not okay, especially when you’re still trying to figure out what’s happening inside your own head. So, I’m not expecting you to have the energy to talk about anything tonight, I just want you to know that whatever you need from me, you have it sweetheart, even if you’re never able to tell me what’s going on.”

You try to fight through the rush of emotions, his words bringing a fresh wave of tears, your body aching for his comfort. You’re so tired of being strong, of forcing yourself to power through, pretending it’s not as bad as it seems. Bucky’s your one safe place in this chaotic world and for a fleeting moment, you have the courage to bridge the gap, the tension in your shoulders easing just a bit as you let your hand drop towards him.

He takes it for what it is, catching your hand before it can fall to his thigh and brings your palm to his lips, placing a sweet kiss right in the center. At the feel of your pulse fluttering from his simple touch, Bucky’s smile grows and he’s encouraging you closer with a soft, “co’mere,” his metal hand sliding along the outside of your arm to help guide you.

Pulling you into his lap, your soft curves molding perfectly to the harder planes of his body, Bucky wraps you up in his warm embrace, cradling your head against his shoulder. Your tears come more freely now and for a while, you just sit there, listening to the steady heartbeat of the man you’re lucky to call yours, the sound a gentle reminder that you’re not alone, regardless of what your brain tries to convince you of sometimes.

It’s not until your breath begins to even out, your sniffles slowly subsiding, that Bucky softly breaks the silence to ask you, “How do ya feel about a bath, sweetheart?”

A soft noise of protest comes out muffled against his skin, your arms tightening around his torso, content to just stay here as long as he’ll let you. Still, you can’t help asking, “is this your way of saying I smell?” It hasn’t been that long since you forced yourself to shower.

Bucky’s laughter gently shakes your body, your own smile building in return and he wastes no time in nuzzling your hair, his head dipping to dramatically sniff along your jaw and neck. “Nope,” he says matter-of-factly, meeting your gaze with a grin before repeating the action along the other side, drawing an unmistakable laugh from you. “You smell just as good as you always do,” he promises with a tender kiss right below your ear. “But, a bath might make you feel a little better.”

There are a multitude of reasons to say no - the energy it takes just to get in, the stark contrast of the cool air after getting out, having to dry off every inch of your skin before you can even think about getting into bed, just to name a few. All it takes is one look at Bucky and you’re realizing none of them matter because he already knows.

His assurance that you won’t have to lift a finger comes quick, reminding you that he’s here to take care of you, in whatever way you need. He’ll even carry you, if you’ll let him.

To both of your surprise, it doesn’t take much for you to agree and the moment you do, Bucky seeks permission to kiss you, showing his appreciation, murmuring words of adoration against your lips. He takes a moment to savor the intimate connection, silently thanking the universe for bringing you to him, for allowing him the privilege of loving you.

He drops you off in the bedroom, resecuring the blanket still wrapped around your body, convincing you to rest in bed while he draws a bath. Once he’s gone, you actually start to doze off, snuggled with Bucky’s pillow, the distant thrum of the bathtub filling a nice break from the near constant rush of thoughts trying to occupy your mind.

When he returns, the vision of you resting peacefully is almost enough for him to break his promise to wake you. He’d happily sit watch, keep an eye on you for the rest of the night to ensure your sleep went undisturbed.

It’s the last thing you’d want though. You’d wake disoriented, feeling constricted in your clothing, worse off than you were when you fell asleep.

With a heavy sigh, Bucky shakes his head, a regretful smile crossing his face as he reaches out to stroke your cheek with the back of his fingers. “You ready?”

His voice is barely audible, your mind not comprehending his touch until his beard is tickling your nose, his lips brushing against your forehead. Your response comes in the form of a confused grunt, your face scrunched, hands reaching up to touch him.

“The bath’s ready,” he explains, his smile evident in his tone, giving you one last lingering kiss before pulling back. “Are you ready, or do ya wanna rest a bit longer?”

It’d be easy to just stay here, let Bucky undress you and put you under the covers, your body craving rest. It won’t last though. You’ll start to get restless, toss and turn in hopes of finding a better position, all the while your mind will refuse to quiet, growing more on edge until you’re forced out of bed yet again.

A bath isn’t a cure-all, and maybe it won’t really help, but you owe it to yourself to at least try. To let yourself be vulnerable, no matter how scary it feels.

Bucky effortlessly carries you from bed into the dimly lit bathroom, the heater already keeping the room relatively warm, ready to be adjusted when it’s time to get out. After setting you on your feet next to the tub, he gives you another reassuring smile and starts to undress you, careful not to snag your shirt on your hair.

You have to close your eyes when he kneels to remove your sweatpants, your body fighting the urge to take over and do it yourself. It’s far from the first time Bucky’s undressed you - and it certainly won’t be the last - it’s just not usually under these circumstances.

The lingering tension starts to fade when he looks up, his obvious love for you shining through even your most persistent insecurities. Once he’s freed you of the rest of your clothes, he helps you in, the oversized tub providing more than enough space for you to sink down, the water coming up to your chest.

Bucky takes his time, giving you a minute to adjust to the heat of the water while he gathers the necessary supplies, the bath pillow already secure behind your head. All you can do is watch him, your throat tight with emotion, tears starting to prick your eyes, the nagging voice in your head trying to convince you that you don’t deserve someone like him.

Biting back the urge to tell him what’s going through your mind, you blink back the tears, your eyes cast to the ceiling for a brief moment. He gives you more time than necessary, his focus on dipping the fresh washcloth in the water, then reaching for the body wash to pour a generous amount.

Seeing him preparing to bathe you makes the moment fully come into view and a soft, incredulous laugh leaves you, “are we really doing this?” You’re not sure you’ve ever felt so naked and exposed, despite all the sinful things you’ve let this man do to you.

Bucky’s grin does wonders for your anxiety, as does his soft assurance of, “not if you don’t think it’ll help.” He tilts his head, holding your gaze, ensuring you hear his next words, “But, if it’s because you think I don’t wanna do this, or I’m not gonna enjoy every single second of it? Doll, come on, this is me.”

His words cause another exhale of a laugh and a blush spreads across your cheeks, Bucky’s smiling growing wider, his tongue peaking out to tease along his bottom lip.

“I’m getting to take care of you, be near you, touch you. I live for this shit,” he laughs, his brows raised to drive home his point. “I’m obsessed with you, remember? I’d literally drink your bath water.”

You barely have time to react before he’s leaning forward, having every intention to prove it to you. Your wet hands reach out just in time to push against his head and shoulder before his face gets any closer to the water, a loud laugh spilling out of you, “What- Stop, Bucky, oh my god!”

His laughter joins yours and he allows you to turn his head at the last moment, taking the opportunity to close the distance to share a kiss, Bucky smiling against your lips. You can’t resist keeping your hands on him, the water dripping down his bare torso, but he doesn’t seem to mind, his own hand reaching out to cup your jaw.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” he promises, peppering kisses across your cheeks and forehead, ending with one on the tip of your nose. Once he’s sure your worries and insecurities are starting to fade, he reaches for the washcloth again, telling you, “Now, just relax and let me take care of my girl, okay?”

A playful roll of your eyes and a smile you don’t even try to hide as you tell him, “fine,” begrudgingly doing as requested. Bucky takes it in stride, his smile never faltering, happily reaching for your arm to start taking care of you in one of the few ways you’ve let him recently.

He can’t help but take advantage of the opportunity, taking his time to bathe you, massaging your muscles in the process, his movements smooth along your soap-slicked skin. By the time he’s given each limb equal attention, you’re putty in his hands and you make no objections when the washcloth dips under the water to wash your stomach and hips.

Your eyes remain closed for the most part, Bucky’s occasional glance telling him you’re enjoying this far more than you anticipated. He makes a mental note to convince you to make this a regular thing, not just when you’re going through a rough time. You deserve to be pampered every day, but he’ll settle for at least once a month.

Not missing how careful Bucky is as he moves higher, the washcloth not lingering on your breasts any longer than necessary, you finally open your eyes, blinking slowly up at him. He meets your gaze with a soft smile as he starts to wash your collarbone, the warm water calling you to sink lower, as if it might erase the clinging numbness that refuses to dissipate.

The words tumble out of you before you can overthink them, your question catching Bucky off guard, his hand stilling on the edge of the tub. “What if I never get better?”

“Sweetheart,” Bucky murmurs with a slight shake of his head, his brow furrowing to match the frown beginning to appear. Your mouth opens to respond, the words failing you before they can even form, wishing you could rewind time to prevent the worried look on his face.

He breaks the silence before you have to, offering you an empathetic smile as he asks, “Can I get in with you?” It’s the last thing you’re expecting as a response and it catches you off guard in such a way that your mind stops racing long enough to scoot forward, making room for him.

There’s no time to waste, Bucky quickly discarding his underwear in order to join you, the oversized tub giving him space to sit behind you, pulling you back against his chest. With his arms wrapped protectively around you, he kisses your shoulder, rubbing his beard along your skin in hopes to ground you, “This isn’t going to last forever. Eventually, something’s gonna shift and you’ll start to feel better.”

Bucky’s not wrong. What you’re experiencing right now, regardless of how long it’s lasted, won't be forever and things will go back to normal at some point. Right now isn’t what you’re referring to though. With a heavy breath, you pull your knees up, letting the air hit your skin, goosebumps threatening to spread. “But that never lasts either.”

He can hear the emotion in your voice, the tears starting to build again, and it makes his chest ache, wishing he could ease your pain. “Maybe not,” he agrees, keeping his tone gentle, “but that’s okay. It’s all part of being human, sweetheart. We have good days, and we have bad days, and no, I’m not keeping score.”

An exhale of a laugh leaves you at the same time a tear escapes your lashes, causing you to automatically wipe it away, your wet hand leaving several drops of water in its place. Bucky gives you the space to collect yourself, using the opportunity to grab the washcloth and bodywash again, determined to complete his mission of bathing you.

You welcome the distraction, leaning forward to give him better access, his fingers soon working out the tension in your back. Your delicate mental state leaves you vulnerable, Bucky’s touch sending you further down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts, the once receding emotions returning tenfold, leaving you crying.

“You deserve better than this.”

“Hey,” Bucky soothes, gathering you in his arms to pull you flush against his body, your weight welcome on his lap, your face pressed against his neck, tears mixing with the water. “There is no one out there better for me than you,” he promises. “You’re it for me. You and your gorgeous mind and insanely hot body, and yes - all your ‘issues’,” he grins, kissing your temple.

There’s nothing you can do except sigh, your breath shuddering out of you, your hand pressed against his chest, drawing comfort from the strong beat of his heart. What he’s saying is starting to break through, reminding you what it’s like when things don’t feel so heavy. How easy it is to be loved by him when you’re not so scared of being a burden.

“I just want you to be happy,” you manage to whisper, working past the emotions trying to overwhelm you again.

“Good,” Bucky’s quick to respond, his fingers on your chin tilting your face up to meet his warm gaze. “‘Cause that’s exactly how you make me feel.” He can’t help but shake his head at you, his smile growing, as if you don’t realize how ridiculous you’re being, “Every day you make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Nothing is ever going to change that. Got it?”

Another heavy breath, and a tear that Bucky casually wipes away, but this time it’s accompanied by a twitch of a smile, the waves of anxiety starting to recede. “Got it,” you whisper, meeting him halfway for a kiss, solidifying your devotion to each other, your promise to work as a team to get through whatever comes, without pushing the other too far out of your comfort zone.

It’ll take time, and it won’t be perfect, but at least you’ll have the rest of your lives to keep trying.

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alotofpockets · 2 months ago

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Rough shift | Caitlin Foord x Doctor!Reader

Where Caitlin comforts you after you lose one of your patients

Warnings: surgery, blood, cpr, patient death

Woso masterlist | Words: 2.5k

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“Good morning, how is my favourite little Champ doing?” You ask as you walk into Maya’s hospital room, followed by four of your interns. “I’m doing good.” She answered, but the smile didn’t fully reach her eyes, a tell tale that she wasn’t telling the truth.

You had met Maya last year, when you moved back home to work at the hospital you worked at before. It had been hard leaving London, moving away from your girlfriend and your friends, but there was a shortage of pediatric surgeons at your former place of employment, and they reached out to you. You talked about it a lot with your girlfriend, Caitlin, who was very understanding of why you felt like you needed to go.

The two of you have been doing long distance for the duration of it. While it was hard at times, the two of you made it work. You were already excited to see her later today, since she and the rest of the Matilda’s would be arriving for their training camp.

Maya had been one of your first patients when you got back. She had been in for many surgeries before you had met her, and have been there for plenty after. She was a tough kid, that besides all of the medical treatment remained positive.

“Alright,” You continued, ignoring the fact that she lied about her well-being. She was here for another surgery because her bowels were acting up again. Sadly no one had been able to find a permanent solution for her illness yet, and repeated surgeries were only short term solutions. “Doctor Taylor, can you present, please?”

He stepped up with Maya’s chart, and started presenting her case. “Thank you Doctor Taylor.” You said after he perfectly shared all the necessary information. To teach the interns, you asked them a couple questions about the surgery, and made sure that they answered in a kid friendly way to make Maya feel at ease.

“Do you have any more questions for us, Maya?” You turned to the young girl on the bed. “Will you be there when I wake up?” Her eyes filled with hope, “Of course, I always am.” And you had. After every surgery you had been with her in the recovery room, always making sure to give your patients that extra bit of comfort that they needed.

While your interns walk out of the room, you take a moment to speak to Maya’s parents. While they were used to the surgeries by now, every parent was nervous about their child getting operated on. Surgery on the bowels was always risky.

“How long do you think this fix will last?” You felt for Maya and the family and were gutted for them that there still wasn't a permanent fix. “Our best hope is another few months.” They knew that was the answer they were going to get, yet they still hoped that this time would be different.

When you walked back into the hall you overheard Taylor brag about being the best in their class, and not needing the hours on peds because he won’t be choosing that specialty anyways. You listen for a bit longer and cannot believe the words you hear coming out of his mouth.

“Why do we keep going with these hopeless cases? It’s not like she’s ever going to get better. We’re just delaying the inevitable.” His words hit you like a punch in the gut, but you quickly gather yourself and step forwards. “Doctor Taylor,” The sharpness of your voice quickly grabbed the attention from everyone around you. “With me, now. All of you.”

You didn’t say a word until you had all of them in an empty hospital room. “These aren’t just cases, they are human lives; children’s lives. You are talking about Maya as if she’s some sort of lost cause, but she’s not. We are giving these kids the best care possible. We are keeping them alive, for when there is a permanent cure.”

Taylor opens his mouth to respond, but you aren't done yet. “If you cannot handle treating every patient with respect, you have no business being in this field. You are off this case, go find the Chief and see if she is willing to put you on a different case today.” He walks off with the whisper of a “Sorry.”

“As for the rest of you, I want to make it very clear that this is not how we talk about patients, especially not on the floor where everyone can hear you. If one of your peers does this, I want you to take the responsibility to tell them off. Do you understand?”

They all nod in understanding. “Good, now that we have that out of the way. Anderson, please get all the tests to the lab and page me when you’ve got the results. The rest of you with me to continue our rounds.

It was your job to make these interns good doctors. You hated having to kick them off cases, but if they treated patients like this, there had to be consequences.

The rest of the rounds went smoothly, and just as you got done with the last patient, Anderson paged you that the results were ready.

“How are we looking, Anderson?” He handed you the tablet, “Looks good. All her test results come back to the right levels.” You look over the results yourself to verify and agree with his conclusion. “Alright, prep Maya, and let me know when she's ready to go to the OR.”

“I'm here!” You announce before bending down and putting your hands on your knees, pretending to be out of breath. “Did I make it? Am I still on time?”

Maya's giggles filled the room, the reason you loved to joke around like this. Kids deserve to feel comfortable and at ease in a place that is filled with unknowns.

“We can't start without you, silly.” The girl laughs. “Oh, you're right, silly me!” You wipe the non-existent sweat off your forehead. “Alright Champ, are you ready?” She nodded and reached out her hand for you to hold, like you had done for the last couple of surgeries.

You hold her hand until you arrive in the OR. “Alright Champ, hop on over.” The girl expertly switched onto the surgical bed. “What flavour popsicle will it be this time?” She puts her hand to her chin, “Strawberry!” You had expected no other flavour, as it was her favourite. You grab your phone and start typing. “Alright, I've let the chef know your order. It will be served when you're ready.”

Once Maya was under anaesthesia, you left the room to scrub. You learned that kids often found comfort in seeing someone they knew, you, for as long as possible. When you got back into the OR you were gowned and gloved, before you went to work.

The three interns still on the case were allowed to observe in the OR. You remembered what residency was like for you, and wanted to make sure that they got as many opportunities as possible in an OR, before they got their first operation.

Everything went smoothly, until it didn’t.

Seemingly out of nowhere her lower abdomen filled with blood. “I need suction.” You instructed and were instantly handed the device. It was pooling in her abdomen fast that you could clear it. You handed the suction device to Doctor Jackson, who was on the other side of the table. “Lap pads, please, and keep them coming.”

Lap pad after lap pad was thrown in the little bin beside you, but the blood didn’t seem to lessen. “Doctor Smith, what’s her pressure?” You needed one of the interns to read the board, since you were both too occupied with trying to stop the bleeding. “BP is 60 over 40 and falling.”

You cursed under your breath, while desperately trying to find the source of the bleeding. “Clamp.” The tool was in your hand mere seconds later. You tried to clamp off the vessel, but despite your best efforts, the bleeding didn’t slow down.

“She’s crashing.” The anesthesiologist warned. “Not on my watch. Doctor Anderson, take over suction. We’re going to transfuse.” Doctor Jackson handed over the suction, and got ready to set up a transfusion.

“BP is 50 over 30.” Doctor Smith announced. “Hang in there Maya.” You willed her to fight. But the blood was still not slowing down and her pressure was dropping rapidly.

“We’re losing her.” The anesthesiologist said with worry in his voice. “We are not giving up. Get the crash cart ready.” You took a deep breath and got ready to start CPR.

The room full of doctors watched in silence as you continued compressions on the tiny body that laid on the table. “Come on, Maya.” Your voice barely above a whisper.

You don’t know how long you had been going, but your arms were starting to get tired. Doctor Jackson put his hand on your shoulder, “It’s time.” You shook your head, “No, she’s just a kid.”

His hand stayed on your shoulder, “You did everything you could. It’s time to let her go.” You slowly stopped compressions and looked down at her still body. Tears blurred your vision as you realised she was gone.

“Time of death,” You started but weren’t allowed to finish the sentence. “11:16” Doctor Smith filled in. You stepped back and ripped your bloodstained gown and gloves off, and threw them onto the ground in frustration.

You took a moment to gather yourself. You had to inform her family, and you needed to be strong for them.

The moment you walked into the waiting room, Maya’s parents stood up. “No.” Maya’s mom said as all hope left her face. “No, my baby.” She could tell from your expression that the news wasn’t good, like it had been previous times. “I’m so sorry,” your voice broke. “We did everything we could, but Maya didn’t make it.”

You stood by as they fell into each other’s arms with tears streaming down their faces. They knew every surgery was a risk, but losing their little girl was something no parent was prepared for. “What happened?” Her dad asks.

“She lost too much blood. I- we tried everything to stop it, but we weren’t able to.” He nodded, still in disbelief. “Alright, thank you.” He got out before letting out another sob. Your heart broke even further. “If you want, you can see her for a bit. Would you like me to take you to her?”

You walked them to the room and let them have a private moment with their daughter. Once you stepped outside, you got a page and headed to reception where you were asked for assistance.

In a blur you walked down the hall and rode down in the elevator. It wasn’t until you laid your eyes on Caitlin that your vision got a bit more clear. You make your way over to her, and fall into her arms without saying another word. With her comforting arms around you, you couldn’t hold back any longer. The tears started streaming down your face, and Caitlin had to hold you tight, to keep you up right.

“Oh, my love, what’s wrong?” She shared a worried look with her best friends Mackenzie and Alanna, who you hadn’t even realised were there too. “Can we go somewhere more private?” She asked softly. You nodded and took her hand. That’s when you realised the other girls. “Oh hi, I’m sorry. You guys can come too.”

You walked the trio into your office and pulled Caitlin down onto the couch, to fall into her hold again. “I lost her, Cait. I lost Maya, she didn’t make it.” The room went silent. Caitlin held you while you sobbed.

After a while you had no more tears left. “I’m sorry, you guys were here for a fun time, and now you’re stuck with me being emotional.” Alanna is quick to shake her head, “Don’t apologise, we’re all here for you.” Mackenzie agreed, “Yeah, if there is anything we can do for you, please let us know.”

“You should drink some water, love.” Caitlin suggested and pointed out the water pitcher to Alanna. You did as you were told, and sipped on the water that Alanna handed you.

“Macca, could you do something for me?” She nodded instantly, “Of course, anything.” You had thought back of the last conversation you had with Maya. “Could you go down to the cafeteria and get some strawberry popsicles?” The request seemed odd to her, but she asked no questions.

Not long after she got back with four strawberry popsicles. “They were her favourite, we were going to have some when we were in the recovery room.” You put your head back on Caitlin’s shoulder. “This one’s for you Maya.”

You sit with the girls for a while longer. Maya had been your only surgery for the day, as you had taken the rest of the day off to be with Caitlin. When you feel strong enough to get up, you ask them to meet you down in the lobby, since you wanted to check on Maya’s parents before you left.

Her parents just walked out of Maya’s room when you walked onto the floor. You weren’t sure what to say except sorry, which you did again. What happened next surprised you. Her mom hugged you. “Thank you for giving us more time with our girl than we ever thought we’d have.” Every surgery had given her a couple of months longer to live, yet you had hoped you’d be able to keep her alive until a permanent solution was found, they made you realise that keeping her alive this long was a miracle already.

Maya’s dad gave you a firm handshake. “While now is a dark moment for us all, we want you to know that we know you have given your best to our Maya, and for that we will forever be grateful.”

“Maya was an incredible young girl. While the circumstances of us meeting were never positive, I am honoured that I was allowed to know her. If there is ever anything I can do for you and your family, please don’t be afraid to reach out.”

You made your way downstairs again, where Caitlin met you at the bottom of the stairs. Her arm wrapped around your shoulder, as she walked you out of the hospital. “I sent the girls to get us some food, they’ll meet us at home.”

You didn’t care for the food, but you were glad to be surrounded by your loved ones. All plans you previously had for the day were wiped off without having to communicate your needs. The couch is where you spend the rest of the day. A movie was playing on the tv, but you had fallen asleep in Caitlin’s comforting arms a long time ago.

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tarot-by-e11e · 6 months ago

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PAC: "What do you need to let go of?" (call-out from your guides)

"Once we rid ourselves of the shackles of our own self-imposed limitations, we will be able to soar higher and further than the birds in the sky." - said by me

(reminder: this is for entertainment purposes only. Only take what resonates) Choose with mic will lovingly call you out~

Pile 1:

Pile 1: 8 of Coins, Judgement, 7 of Cups, 3 of Cups

Right off the bat, the first phrase I heard was, “unrealistic high standards”. Oomph. *nervously looking away*

Pile 1, by any chance, are you known as the “resident heartbreaker” in your community because of the trail of broken hearts you leave behind? It’s great to have standards but you need also to remember that nobody’s perfect, not even you dear pile 1. There’s this journal prompt(?) I’ve encountered before about listing down all the characteristics you want in your ideal partner, then sitting down and reflecting if your ideal would wish to have a partner like you. It’s such a humbling yet eye-opening journal prompt TBH. Don’t expect the best if you won’t show up as the best version of yourself. Like… if you want the best, you have to be the best version of yourself as well.

What you also need to let go of Pile 1 is your hyper-self-awareness. Granted that it’s great knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are but there is such a thing as too much. I heard, “A healthy balance is key” in your case. Sorry for the call out Pile 1 but from the second card as well, your perfectionistic tendencies are slowly making themselves known. You might have these “all-or-nothing” tendencies, like a “black-or-white” mindset sometimes. It seems you have high standards for others and yourself, so you tend to intellectualize your feelings instead of feeling them. Again, apologies for the call-out Pile 1.

The last card feels like a desperation for external validation. Like, you feel you always need someone to impress or win over to feel like you’re good enough. There’s this unworthiness wound that needs to be addressed. Also, chronic people-pleasing tendencies to the point of immediate self-sacrificial tendencies. Pile 1, you need to learn to let go of this unhealthy thirst for external validation. Because the moment you lose your “audience”, you feel lost and listless. You need to remember that you are worthy of love, happiness, and success in life because you exist.

Pile 2:

Pile 2: 2 of Cups, Tower, 10 of Swords, Strength

I’m saying sorry in advance Pile 2 but the first thing I heard was, “You need to learn to be happy alone.” Pile 2 either is the type that can’t stand being single or is a hopeless romantic that has more fictional crushes than actual human relationships. (Apologies to all the romance genre bookworms all over the world). This pile falls under those two categories~

So for the serial daters, it seems that you need to take a bit of a break/pause and assess what do you want in a partner, your non-negotiables and negotiables. You are asked to don’t say to every person that asks you out. Also heard that, don’t date just because you’re bored, lonely, or have a lot of time to spare. Basically, you are called to only get into a relationship for the right reasons.

Now for the hopeless romantic who prefers fictional men to real men, I understand that you might have heard stories or had experiences that made you always choose the bear every single time. Those horror stories are an unfortunate reality for people into men. But I can’t, in my good conscience as having nephews, say that all men are despicable human beings. Granted, not all men but still they’re men. So… what I’m saying here is, that your fictional boyfriends would want you to actually experience happiness through real human interactions too. So yup, keep your guard up to those who wear their red flags with pride, but do try to give a chance to good men out there.

What you also need to let go of Pile 2 is your destructive coping mechanisms whenever you feel triggered by your traumas. Yes, I’m sorry to have it break it to you. You kinda felt this would eventually be mentioned, right? You are aware of your own destructive tendencies when triggered. You are aware that you unintentionally hurt your loved ones whenever they trigger you. And you also know you want to stop hurting people in the process. If therapy is expensive, try searching for somatic exercises and eft tapping. You don’t always have to swallow a pill to get better at managing your anger issues and self-sabotaging tendencies. You just have to give yourself a safe space to be able to honor and validate your feelings/pain/trauma. Treat yourself as gentle and compassionate as possible, like you would a child who’s just learning how to walk and talk.

Lastly, you are called to let go of your arrogance. I’m really sorry for the call-out Pile 2 but the cards have spoken. It’s great to know within yourself that you can walk your talk but you might have the tendency to bulldoze anyone that crosses your path. This might even cause an issue with authority figures. There’s a fine line between arrogance and confidence that you need to learn to master. It’ll help with the harmonious dynamics between you and your coworkers.

Pile 3:

Pile 3: 10 of Wands, 6 of Coins, Queen of Coins, Wheel of Fortune

Pile 3 feels like my burnt-out workaholic pile from the get-go. Being burdened by too much on your plate. Pile 3 might actually tend to take on other people’s problems. I understand you want to help out but you need to understand that you have limits too. You are asked to let go of the burdens that aren’t actually yours to begin with. You’re also asked to reprioritize your needs and responsibilities first before even considering helping someone else with their problems. I kept hearing, “You can’t pour out of an empty cup.”

Why does it feel like Pile 3 is my overly giving and generous pile? Sweetheart, please… I get how you want to help others out and give whenever you can. Just don’t forget to keep some for yourself, okay? I’m not asking you to stop being generous. I’m asking you to discern who genuinely needs your generosity and who is abusing your kind and loving heart. Unfortunately, not everyone deserves you and your generous heart.

Pile 3, your pile really has me crying and whimpering, “Please stop letting people walk all over you.” No wonder y’all are burnt out, you are the most loving, generous, and nurturing souls in the world to the point of being easy prey for abusive, manipulative narcissists. I’m begging you Pile 3, discernment and boundaries. You’re so nurturing and caring to the point of ignoring someone’s red flags. So… you have to actually learn how to have healthy boundaries and practice discernment. Don’t entertain the idea/potential of a person and see them for who they really are.

The last card feels like you need to let go of being too much of a “going with the flow” to the point of not taking charge of your own life, Pile 3. I understand you’re adaptable and know how to roll with the punches, but it also feels like a drifter with no roots. Always letting yourself be carried wherever the wind blows, can be interpreted as letting people dictate how you should live your life. It seems that pile 3 tends to take a passive approach to living your life. I understand that people who are of authority claim they want what’s best for you, but that’s what’s best based on THEIR values and preferences, not YOURS. So… please Pile 3, take the time to figure out what do you actually want to do with your life, in your own way. You are not just someone’s child, not just someone’s sibling/parent, not just someone’s friend/classmate/coworker. You are your own person, with a heart that feels and a mind that can think for themselves.

Pile 4:

Pile 4: 2 of Coins, 6 of Swords, Knight of Swords, Chariot

The first card of Pile 4 feels like you need to let go of only prioritizing your needs while disregarding your desires. It’s great to know how to be practical and resourceful, but you tend to only focus on nurturing the physical and basic needs, you tend to forget your emotional needs too. You tend to forget that you can let yourself enjoy your life while you work hard to provide for yourself and your family. I’m hearing, “self-care” is something you need to prioritize. Don’t just say, “Oh, I can just enjoy the fruits of my labor later” then realize your knees can’t even be stable enough to carry your body to your bathroom. The last I heard from the first card was “Go on a vacation and treat yourself while your body is still able to live and move with ease.”

The next thing you need to let go of is your cut-off game, specifically your tendency to ghost people. It seems that Pile 4 is quite quick to cut people out of your lives without notice. It seems that pile 4 also tends to cut someone out of their life on impulse. Like, no explanation, no notice, no last goodbye. This is giving “ghosting” vibes. It’s like, the person you cut off didn’t even do anything wrong, yet pile 4 while just going ghost without a valid reason. Like, pile 4 may go ghost whenever someone is getting a bit too close to your heart and you tend to run before they even get a chance to offer any friendship/commitment. Pile 4, are you a commitment phobe?

Pile 4, what you need to let go of is your impatience. Not just towards others, but also towards yourself. The littlest inconveniences make you lose your cool quicker than a mic drop. Not everyone is capable of keeping up with your demands and requests, not even you. So please, learn to be more understanding and patient with yourself and other people. I understand that you want to just go-go-go, but you need to know that you shouldn’t bulldoze your way through life. Learn to pace yourself by taking the time to smell the roses. There’s nothing wrong about going after what you want to get done, but you just need to remember that you don’t always do everything perfectly in the first try. You too make mistakes. You too need time to learn from your mistakes and become a better version of yourself. So please, show yourself and others the same compassion and patience you wished someone would give you.

Finally, the last thing pile 4 needs to let go of is “being controlling”. I’m really sorry for this call-out Pile 4 but you must have heard this from someone else before. Just because you know what’s best and know how to do it best, it doesn’t mean you should always take the reins and just control everything and everyone to bend into your will. Your way isn’t the only way to do things. You might be surprised that there are other ways to go about a task with minimal damage and effort. So please, let go of the concept that you have to always take charge and always be the leader.

Thank you for trying out my PAC reading. Feel free to give me a feedback on how your pile resonates with you.

#pick a card #divination #tarot cards #tarot #pick a photo #pac reading #pac tarot #pick a pile #pick a picture #tarot reading #tarotcommunity #tarotblr

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abbyromanoff · 1 year ago

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can u write dark g!p nat x fem reader pls pls hehe ty

LOVE POTION

PAIRINGS: Natasha Romanoff x maximoff!reader

WORD COUNT: 1,919

WARNINGS: smut, dark!Nat, kinda dark!Wanda, manipulation, delusional!Nat, cheating, use of magic, mind games, small smut, pining, small angst, think that’s all :)

NO ONE IS PERMITTED TO STEAL, COPY, OR REBLOG MY WORK AS THEIR OWN!!

“Wanda, please!” Nat begged, feeling more hopeless as the witch tried to ignore her.

“I told you, Nat, I’m not letting you drug my own sibling!” She countered, setting her food down on the counter as she grabbed a fork to stab into the chicken. It was a new recipe she had been wanting to try out for months now and finally got to, if only Nat wasn’t bothering her only sense of peace.

“I’m not drugging them, I’m simply guiding them in the right direction.” Wanda rolled her eyes, chugging down the glass of water in front of her. She didn’t know how she got stuck in this mess, but she wished she never did. Everyone knew Nat was in love with you, except you. You seemed clueless to her obvious signs sent your way, or maybe you chose to ignore it.

She didn’t believe your girlfriend deserved you, she wasn’t right. She knew how you should be treated and loved, and she knew she’d have to be the one to show you.

“C’mon, you know they deserve better, and you know I can show them that.” Wanda sighed, forcing herself to rid the thoughts that she could be right away. Your partner wasn’t the best person in the world, and she definitely wasn’t the best to you. She tried putting it in your head what she knew, but you were oblivious to Sharon’s acts. Maybe you had noticed a few out-of-place acts, but you still loved her, you couldn’t just change that instantly.

“You know deep down they need to be saved or else they’ll never leave her-“

“Who they choose to love is not my business-“

“Who they choose to love is not who they should love, Wanda!” She started. “You can’t deny it, you know I’m right but you refuse to admit it.” There was a long beat of silence, neither of them deciding to fill it. Wanda looked down when she felt a hand on top of hers, caressing the skin soothingly.

“Please, I want to help them. It’ll only get worse if I don’t.” She remained quiet.

“Do you remember the first time you saw a bruise on their skin? You asked what it was from and you told me you could tell they were lying. Or when you found Y/N crying alone in their bed, you asked them what was wrong and they said they found a hickey on Sharon’s neck. Please, Wanda, you need to let me do this or they’ll never be safe. Don’t you want to save your little sibling?” She was manipulating her, she knew that, but she did it oh-so well. Wanda felt tears threatening to pool in her eyes as they layered a gloss.

“They can’t know about this. If they find out, I was never a part of it-“

“Of course, of course. I will never let them find out, and if they do, you didn’t have a single clue.” Wanda nodded slowly, putting her head in her hands while a sniffle left her.

“Well, when it’s done, let me know.”

The party was loud, creating a tense stimulation in your mind. You clawed at your fingers, playing with the promise ring your girlfriend had gotten you months ago. It didn’t shine like before, now it only held a dullness under the light.

“You want some company?” You heard a low voice come from behind you, turning around only to see your best friend, Nat. She had been with you through thick and thin, you loved her more than anything possible.

“Yeah, that would be nice.” A conversation struck between the two of you, and it felt like everything and everyone else disappeared. It was like sitting on clouds, it was just pure peace.

“I’m gonna get a drink, you want one?”

“Oh, I really shouldn’t.” You chuckled, pulling down the side of your dress that chose to ride up. She eyed you teasingly, leaning in to give a small smirk while your gaze fell to her lips. Suddenly, you remembered Sharon who was just across the room. Instantly, you pulled back, blinking a few times before clearing your throat.

“Uh, you know what, maybe I will take one.” She nodded and left, returning moments later with your drinks. You didn’t notice or question the slight glow surrounding your glass, only chugging down the liquid until your throat burned.

“Fuck, this is strong. What is this?”

“It’s a surprise, sweetheart.” You rolled your eyes before she rested her hand on your thigh, rubbing soft and gentle circles that brought you ease.

“Alright, I think me and Y/N should be heading out right about now.” Came your girlfriend's voice. You could sense the jealousy and fury roaming in her tone, she never was one to like your friends. She assumed they took advantage of your kindness and innocence, but in Nat’s mind, so did she.

“Oh, yeah, sure.” Nat decided to let you go without argument, knowing that her plan had worked. The drink should only take a few hours to start working, and then, you’ll be all hers.

“See you soon, Y/N.” You waved in return with a small smile, clutching onto your girlfriend's forceful hold. Her fingers were interlaced with yours, creating redness the harder she squeezed.

“Sharon, you’re hurting me.” She stopped, turning to look at you with flared nostrils, her mouth slightly agape before a hand came up to your neck.

“You’re mine, you got that? Not Nat’s; mine.”

The month flew by quickly, most of your time being spent working or entertaining your girlfriend in your shared apartment. But something was different, something felt odd but you couldn’t quite explain it.

You didn’t know why you felt this way, but it felt as though a pit was formed at the bottom of your stomach, and every time Nat would be nearby, butterflies surrounded that cluster. Your brain would turn foggy and your pupils would dilate, these were all signs that you knew all too well. This is what you felt for Sharon; felt. Past context. Of course, you still cared for and loved her, but it wasn’t the same as before. Any time you’d share an intimate moment, you imagined your best friend. It only got worse the more you saw her, and the less you saw the blonde.

She had been on a mission for a week now and, you hated to admit it, but it felt almost relieving to have her gone. You loved her company, but you felt so guilty in her presence. Her absence also gave you time to think, but the only thing that would come to your mind is Nat. It’s gotten so bad that one night you awoke from a lustful dream where Nat was the star.

“Hey, babes.” The voice brought you out of your trance, causing you to jump before you saw who it was.

“Jesus, Nat, you scared me.” She chuckled with a small apology when you slapped her arm lightly, nearly shuddering as you felt the biceps bulging beneath her shirt.

“Did you just finish working out?” You asked curiously, although you already knew the answer.

“Yeah, Steve gave me a new schedule for once. Why, you need a training partner?” She hoped you’d say yes, that way she could be as close to you as possible.

“Uh, I was actually hoping you could help spot me. I want to hit a new PR.” She nodded while taking a sip of her water, her jawline seeming to shine perfectly under the light. You gulped, suddenly finding the floor much more important.

“Of course, you know I love helping my favorite Maximoff.”

“I’ll tell Wanda you said that.”

“Go ahead, I think we all know I’m not her favorite person either.”

The weights were heavy against you, but you continued to pull through with the help of the redhead. You couldn’t help but notice the proximity between you two, the thought sending you into waves of arousal. Her crotch was pressed against your ass, her arms hovering over your waist as her face was so close to your neck, you imagined her lips painting the skin with purple hickeys.

“C’mon, you can do more!” You whimpered as your legs struggled to lift you, Nat quickly stepping in to pull you up when realizing you couldn’t do it.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, I can usually get at least six reps on that.” You sighed, biting your lip as your chest heaved for hope of oxygen.

“You’re distracted. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours that has you so out of it?” She leaned down to become level with you as you crouched, lowering your head in annoyance.

“Nothing, alright? I’m just having an off day.” She huffed, clearly not believing your lie.

“You don’t need to lie to me, Y/N. Seriously, I’m your best friend, you can tell me anything.” Her hand came to your shoulder in what seemed a comforting gesture, but it only caused you to pull away.

“Maybe that’s the problem.” Her eyes widened slightly, her mouth parting as her eyebrows furrowed. You couldn’t bear to look at her face without being tempted to pull her in and kiss her then and there, confessing everything that had been brewing in your mind for what felt like years.

“What?”

“Maybe you’re my problem, Nat.”

“H-how? What did I do?” You didn’t give a response, causing her to ask again. She was worried her plan went to failure, maybe Wanda went behind her back to protect her sibling. No, she couldn’t have, Nat knew her well enough to know she fell for her manipulation so easily.

“Nothing, that’s the problem! You sit there, looking so fucking perfect all the damn time and I hate it! I hate how much I just want to hold you, and kiss you, and care for you, but I can’t have that. I can’t have you, Nat.” Her heart swelled in delight; it worked. The magic worked and now it was all in her hands, she wasn’t going to mess this up.

She quickly strutted forward, grasping the sides of your face as she pulled you in for a deep kiss, one that you melted into instantly. Sharon was completely ridden from your mind, all you cared about was this. Nat was here, you were her, everything else could come later.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do this.” She pressed her lips to the side of your neck, inhaling the scent you radiated. You felt amazing in her arms, she never wanted to let go.

“Fuck, I need you so bad, Natty.” Your breath was short, your smile sending Nat into a trance. She wasn’t going to let you go, you were safe with her.

Wanda walked into the gym, noticing two bottles of water that had been knocked over. She furrowed her brows in confusion before a small sound came from the showers. She could sense it was you, but Sharon was still gone. That’s when it hit her, Nat’s bottle was right next to yours. It worked, the drink she created worked.

She felt so guilty, she never wanted to hurt you, but she knew your girlfriend would only cause harm. She didn’t know what to do, she could only hope you’d never find out. And if you did, she didn’t have a single clue about any of this.

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heerinnie · 6 months ago

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jay 7 please;/

𝐈’𝐥𝐥 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐦 𝐔𝐩 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐚𝐫 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐘𝐨𝐮

𝐏.𝐉𝐒.

SYNOPSIS: going on a movie date with jay was the perfect way to end your first meeting with him, minus the winter weather and missing half the movie because of the beauty next to him.

WARNINGS: gn!reader, first date, jay leaves for a minute, they are smitten for each other, nothing but pure fluff 🥹, hopeless romantics, nothing really to warn about just really cute

WC: 472

^^SFW BELOW CUT (not proofread)

The decision to go on a date during a storm may not have been the best idea, but in your defence, when you left the house, the weather was still warm. Throughout the movie at the cinema, Jay couldn't help but notice how you shivered in your seat. His attention was solely focused on you rather than the film playing on the screen. As the credits began to roll, you didn't even wait to see if there was an end credits scene. Instead, you impulsively grabbed Jay's slightly calloused hand and dashed out of the freezing room, looking like two teenagers deeply and stupidly in love.

“I’m kinda hungry you know” You absently scratched the back of your neck. You glanced at the snacks section knowing full well that they were overpriced but despite this you were more than willing to pay extra for anything to warm you up inside and out. Walking over, you turned to see if Jay was coming with but instead he handed you his card with a smile “if you don't mind could you get me a warm tea or hot chocolate if they have any?” he asked, you replied with a nod as he strolled towards the exit.

"Hey, Jay?" you called after him, watching as he turned on his heel with his hands in his pocket. "Where are you going?" "I'm just going to the car. I'll be right back!" he called over his shoulder proceeding to walk out the exit, leaving you alone standing in front of a tired barista who seemed to be counting the minutes until the end of their shift. "Hi!" you greeted them with a smile, feeling a bit unsure of what to order.

After what felt like several minutes you double scanned the tea section of the menu to see what jay would like until you decided on buying a cinnamon apple tea and a triple hot chocolate, that way Jay could choose what he'd like. Luckily he came back just a mere minute before your orders were complete. As you took your drinks from the counter he chose the tea and complimented your taste. On the way out you felt his hand wrap around yours as he led you to his car.

"Why did you go to the car?" you asked. "You were shivering all throughout the movie and I didn't bring a jacket, so I left a bit early to turn the heater on. I was thinking about how I didn't bring a jacket, and then it hit me - I'll warm up the car for you." Even though you were freezing in the parking lot, you couldn't help but stop and admire Jay's enthusiasm and kindness.

That night you realised that even with the cold surrounding you, Jay could warm you up with just his actions.

I love this request so much, the hopeless romantic in me is SCREAMING 😭💟

#jay x reader #jay soft thoughts #jay soft hours #park jongseong #enha jongseong #enha jay #enhypen jay #jongseong x reader #enhypen fluff #jay fluff #enhypen x reader #enhypen soft hours #enhypen soft thoughts

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kazumist · 22 days ago

Text

EPISODE 23 ✦ PLEASE DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME

LOVE, MAYBE — A CHILDE SMAU

masterlist / prev ep / next ep / wc: 838.

with an ice cream already consumed, ajax is walking you home now. it was a silent walk; only the sounds of the leaves slightly rustling around you as well as both of your footsteps can be heard in the area.

you liked childe—it took you long enough to realize that. but it’s still a lot for you to process. you think it’s mutual, but how can you be so sure? maybe childe is just like that to the people he cares about, right? but god, it surely makes your heart drop to your stomach at the thought of someone else also receiving this treatment from him.

is this an effect of an eldest daughter who’s also a hopeless romantic? perhaps. romantic love was an unfamiliar concept to you, after all. no matter how much you read or consume media that consists of the theme of romance, it will never be enough to give you the understanding that you wish to grasp with the concept. before you knew it, you had already let your words slip.

"why are you doing this?"

"why shouldn't i be doing this?" he asks back, slightly tilting his head to the side.

"i don't get it, childe. why are you doing this?"

childe pauses for a moment, realizing that you are actually serious with your question. he doesn't reply immediately, finding the right words to say first.

"it's because... i love you," he says, only realizing it now as well. he had always liked you, of course, but ajax had only realized that he loved you. he had loved you for a while now.

"what?" you asked him in disbelief.

"i love you, (name)."

"but... why?"

"is a reason necessary?"

your breath hitched at his words. "i—of course it's necessary! i don't get it. i'm a difficult person. i refuse to communicate. i push people away even though deep inside i know i need help because, even as a child, i never got any sort of assistance to begin with. i pressure myself to the point it's way too overwhelming. i fear that one day i'll end up being useless in my own life. i can hardly even understand myself so what more if others would try? i... i find that i'm undeserving of love because there are others who need it more than me."

"so please, ajax. there's no use in loving me. you'll just get tired in the end. there's someone out there who's more deserving of the love you have to give."

please don't say you love me, because i might not say it back.

"no."

"what? didn't you hear what i just said? i'm difficult to love, ajax—"

"i heard it, but that doesn't change the fact that i still love you nonetheless," he replies, taking a step closer.

"(name), i love you with everything i am, everything i've been, and everything i hope to be, and i'll continue to love you even when you push me away. i will always find my way home to you. i'll be there to pull you back up before you sink any further under the pressure you give yourself. you'll never be useless—i'll make sure that you never feel that way. i will understand you no matter whatever it is that needs to be understood with you."

"you are not undeserving of love, because if there's one person in the world that i'd choose to pour my love on, it would be you," he finishes.

“i… no.”

“what?”

“no—i.. i can’t. i’m sorry, tartaglia.” the use of his last name stung for him a bit. “it’s fine if you can’t right now; i’m willing to wai—” you cut him off before he could finish the word. “don’t!” he flinches at the sudden raise of your voice and is taken aback. “why?”

“please… just don’t. there’s others who are better and more deserving of you than me. why me? you’ll just be wasting your time if you wait for me. i probably wouldn’t be able to give you a proper answer. i.. how are you so sure that you love me?”

“that’s fine with me, (name). it’s okay for me to go through all of that because i know i would be doing it for you.”

stop it. please.

“my answer is still no.”

i’d rather not risk it. i don’t want to take someone for granted, especially if that someone is you.

“but—”

this is for the better.

“go away, ajax.”

he could feel the weakness in your voice when you said those three words. he tried to get closer by taking a step further, but you took a step back. that was when ajax realized that you were sure of your words. “let me still walk you home, just for tonight—this will be the last one,” he says. as you were about to decline, he spoke again first. “i don’t want you to walk home alone when it’s dark.”

even if this might be the last time i’ll get to do this.

extra notes.

wow double update ?!?! watch me ghost this app again for 2 months ... kidding !

had this episode sitting my drafts for MONTHS. im pretty sure this episode has been written ever since i was still uploading ep 5 maybe? somewhere during the making of the early episodes LAWLZ

smau playlist linked here !! pls give it a listen it gives u the extra feels 😋 this episode is highly inspired by please don't say you love me by gabrielle aplin <3

taglist (open): @xianyoon @mitsvriii @kizakiss @kissingkzuha @aethion @phtogravi @ell1e2010 @esthelily @b4tm4nn @hcmay @ivvieene @morganadorodo @kaitfae @kentply @scaranthropy @kyon-cherri @kookiibun @kochothehoe @mekiiiii @ibyobi @iuspired @tetsuskei @kunikuzushis-darling @morgyyyyyyy @chluuvr @scaradooche @kissmiere @a1-ic3 @bubblegum-angelquartz @tiredjxnna @levlucs-kiru @angeilix @cerisescherries @saeskiss @a-talkative-corn @briluvspnk @kamisatoyato @bbysatoruuu @viviixoxosblog @bambisz @chemiru @eternal-dokja @bflyprincess @jamieexistss @monocerosei @enjisthings @jangyung @hahalame @cupid-spams @snzhrchy @ukinya @luciledreamz @bisatanica @bananasquash @almond-t0fu @thegalaxyisunfolding @jaguarthecat [1/2]

#( smau — love maybe ! )#genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #genshin imagines #childe x reader #childe genshin impact #childe smau #ajax x reader #ajax #childe #x reader

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impala-dreamer · 2 months ago

Text

Before The First Light

A Supernatural Story

~ With Michael pounding away in his head, ready to break free at any moment, Dean realizes he has no other choice but to do what Billie says and lock himself away forever. He hadn't planned on telling her, hadn't planned on a goodbye, but Y/N wouldn't let him leave without one more night...~

Dean Winchester x Reader, Sam Winchester

3,126 Words

Warnings: Angsty Angst. Kissy Kiss. Saddy Sad.

A/N: This was a commission and I def made myself cry a bit. Please give it a reblog if you read it <3

Impala-Dreamer’s Masterlist ~ Patreon ~ Published Works

She wasn’t quite sure she’d heard properly.

Something about a box and being buried in the deepest part of the ocean. Something about Dean locking himself away for all eternity to ensure that Michael stayed captive. Something about choosing everlasting torment instead of fighting, instead of looking for an answer. Something about leaving them all alone, leaving her alone.

When Mary called, Y/N hadn’t been far. She had been ‘borrowing’ a text from the library at Luther Seminary in St. Paul, something old and illustrated in gold foil. A book that Castiel thought would help. As soon as she heard the worry in Mary’s voice, she pointed her little Toyota towards Hibbings and pushed the gas pedal to the floorboard.

She stood now, silently staring into the barn; her small frame illuminated by the glow of sunset behind her. Sam and Dean were arguing, standing on either side of a large metal coffin. It was crudely made and inlaid with hand-formed sigils. The bitter scent of fading gas and burning metal hung in the air. The struggle in both of their tones struck her first; their words only becoming clear after the shock settled.

He had found a way to lock Michael away forever.

Moreover, he’d found a way to kill himself without actually doing it.

Y/N held her breath and clutched the doorframe. She knew if she moved, she’d fall; if she spoke, she’d break down.

“I won’t be talked out of this! I won’t…”

Dean’s voice hit her like a truck. Her chest ached and her stomach churned. She exhaled and bit back a cry.

Amazingly, Sam was silent. She could only see his back, but his tiny movements made it clear that he was unhappy but stuck between a mountain and a hard place.

“I’m doing this. Now, you could either let me do it alone,” Dean said, dropping the frustration and pleading with his brother. “Or… you could help me.”

She wanted to scream. At Dean or Sam, she couldn’t work out, but something needed to be said. Something needed to be done to stop him, change his mind, and slap some sense back into him.

“...But I’m doin’ this.”

Still, Sam was silent.

Y/N watched from the gap in the wooden door, awed by the way Sam seemed to give in. He shook his head slightly, looked away, and then back. He took a breath, his shoulders rising and falling as the decision formed in his mind.

“Alright.” His whisper was pained and Dean closed his eyes, letting go of a heavy sigh.

Y/N snapped.

She yanked open the door and glared at the Winchester idiots. She was shaking; blood rushing in her ears like a jet engine. With a quivering lip, she let out a roar twice the size of her petite frame.

“Alright?!”

Sam was startled, all but jumping out of his skin.

“What the fuck do you mean, alright?”

Dean seemed to curl in on himself. He hadn’t expected to see her, hadn’t even wanted to tell her what he had planned. He looked at her, sadness spread across his handsome face. “Y/N-”

She trembled in the doorway, her hair wild and glowing with the golden dregs of dusk. Her faith darkened like the sky.

“What is wrong with you!”

Sam turned to face her with wet eyes and a hopeless expression. “Y/N, it’s not-”

She took a step inside, body propelled forward as if it meant to strike them both down. “Don’t you dare say it’s not what I think. I know exactly what the fuck this is, Sam!”

She looked at Dean. His eyes were dry but tired. She knew how exhausted he was, how hard the last year had been for him. The possession, the release, the back and forth, and now- Michael pounding away in his skull like a thousand battering rams. Her heart broke for him and yet, she couldn’t hold back. “How could you?”

Her voice came out like a sick whisper, full of spears, aiming at the very core of him.

He flinched. He shook his head gently, unsure of how to tell her all the things he needed to. He wasn’t prepared for this, wasn’t ready - or willing - to say goodbye to her.

“How?” she asked again, tears breaking free and spilling down her face. They glistened in the final rays of sunset while she waited for an answer.

Dean looked down at the box. He ran his fingertips over the top and closed his eyes. The first task was done and he was resolved to see it through to the next. He just had to keep himself from cracking, from splitting open as he looked at his brother and his love. He had to steel his heart, and stay the course.

His hand curled into a fist.

“I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t look up at her, couldn’t manage more than a meager, breathy reply.

She laughed. It wasn’t funny, but she laughed. “You’re sorry?” Her hand fell from the splintered wood. “You’re sorry. You’re gonna do this and you’re sorry. We have watch you try to kill yourself - again - and you’re sorry.”

Again, his lips parted but nothing came out. There was no defense he could give, no reasoning that would make her OK with any of it.

Y/N grit her teeth, dug her heels into the creaky wood floor. She waited, silently begging him to say something- anything.

He looked up at her through thick lashes, his chin dipped low and his hands stuck on the lid of the coffin.

Anger and fear stormed in her chest and she shook her head, giving up.

She met Dean’s eye and frowned. “Fuck you.”

He didn’t even react. He knew he deserved it.

She turned to leave and Sam spoke up, his voice crackling with his own frustration and pain.

“Y/N, wait-”

Her head snapped back and she glared over her shoulder at him. “Oh. And fuck you too, Sam. Goddamn coward.”

The driveway was made of loose gravel and the month had been dry. Dust billowed under her sneakers as she ran from the barn, from reality, from him. She wasn’t really leaving- she’d never be able to fully walk away from him- but she knew if she stayed in that barn, she’d end up burning it down.

She heard him following. The rocks crunched under his boots and his breath was heavy. Crying while running wasn’t good for him.

She stopped a few feet from his car.

That goddamned Impala and the man driving it had changed her entire life, and she wasn’t about to change it again. Not this way. Not by losing him to a fucking box.

Dean caught up but she moved again before he could reach for her. His hand fell in the space she created between them.

“Can we talk about this?” he asked, voice gritty and low.

Y/N dropped her head and kicked at the gravel. “I don’t know, Dean. Can we?”

He took a step closer. “I want to.”

Spinning to look at him, she crossed her arms over her chest, symbolically keeping him away.

He was silent for a moment, unable to begin or even decide where to.

Y/N clicked her tongue in annoyance. “Well?”

Dean dropped his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t start that crap with me.”

“What crap?”

She sighed. “That puppy-dog, teary-eyed, apology crap. I don’t want it. It’s bullshit.”

He tensed. “It’s not bullshit.”

“If you’re sorry then why go through with it?”

Dean looked away and caught his breath. “You overheard us in there. You know why.”

“No.” She dropped her hands to her sides. “I want to hear it from you. I want to hear that you think the only way to save everyone- like always- is to sacrifice yourself.”

Frustration curled up his spine and Dean grit his teeth. “You can’t- it’s not that fucking simple, and you know it.”

“Oh?” She stood back and clenched invisible pearls at her throat. The fight was brewing, hot and fast. “Please, Dean, tell me what I know.”

His lips hung open slightly as he thought better of speaking and making things worse.

“Allow me,” she snapped. “I know that you’re always right and I’m just some nerdy, useless book worm that you keep around to keep Sam occupied when you don’t wanna do any work.” Her voice grew loud, her words clipped and harsh. Her hands flailed in the air between them. “I know that you’re this old, experienced man and I’m some idiot little girl who doesn’t know shit about shit. I know I’m just a fucking bootycall that happens to occupy a room near yours.”

He flinched with every word. Slow, unrelenting tears streaked down his stubbled cheek. She didn’t want to see them, didn’t want to watch the salt water leak down and disappear into the dust and rock beneath their feet. She didn’t want to feel sorry for him; didn’t want to let go of her anger.

She couldn’t ignore it, couldn’t see past the redness in his eyes, the way his lips turned downward.

Her heart broke again and again with each breath and every tear that fell.

“I know that… you’re going to fucking kill yourself because you think you’re weak.” Her volume fell, her voice cracked. “You think you’re going to fail and the world will end.”

Dean closed his eyes tight.

“You think that everything that goes bad in this world is your fault.”

He pulled in a shaky breath.

“You feed on guilt, Dean. You drown in it.”

Green eyes opened, found hers in the dim light.

“You don’t have to.”

“I do.”

His confession was barely a whisper, floating towards her like a lost feather. He was sad but resolute, unyielding in his plans.

She took a step closer, bent her ear his way. “What?”

“Guilt,” he echoed. “I do have to live with it. Because it’s mine. I did this, and I’m the only one who can stop Michael from breaking free.”

Y/N shook her head. “Why? Why like this? Because some fucking reaper who has been Death for all of five minutes says you have to? Why would you trust her?”

Dean laughed bitterly and swatted at the wetness on his cheek. “Why would she lie?”

“Why wouldn’t she lie?”

He turned away but Y/N grabbed the open flap of his flannel.

“Hey! Don’t fucking do that. Don’t walk away. Not this time.”

Dean exhaled hard and came back to face her. He closed a hand around hers, keeping her fingers locked around his shirt, not letting her go.

“I have to do this. I have to. And if you can’t understand that, then-” He shrugged. “Then I don’t know what else to say.”

Y/N bit her lip and nodded as she looked down at the ground. Night had fallen while they quarreled and the only light around them was the yellow glow coming from the house. Sam had shut the light in the barn when he left, giving them time alone to do what needed to be done.

When she looked back up, she was crying. Heavy, hot tears lined her eyes, and Dean sucked in a quick breath at the sight.

“I can’t let you do this,” she whispered.

“You’re not letting me do it,” he said softly, squeezing her hand. “I… I don’t care if you like it, or you agree with it. It has to happen. It will happen.”

Her lip trembled. She shook her head. “No…”

“Yes.” He went on, speaking slowly without a hint of indecision in his tone. “It will. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I should have been better to you. To Sam. I… I should have been better at everything. I should have been stronger. But this is what it is.”

Y/N grasped for any new idea, anything she could say to keep him with her. “What if we find something, what if Rowena… or Cas-”

“They’ve looked.”

She thrashed against him, trying to rip her hand away. “What if we find something and we can’t get you out! You’ll be trapped and we can’t get you out!” She pelted his chest with her fist, desperate to make him listen. “What if Chuck comes back and-”

“Stop it, Y/N.”

“What if he comes back and can fix it again like with Amara! He could do that!”

He grabbed her other hand, halting her attack.

“Stop it,” he breathed, trying not to hurt her. “Y/N, listen to me.”

“You’re the one not listening! Dean!”

She tugged her arms back, but he held her tight, dragged her closer.

“Why would you do this?” she sobbed, twisting in his grasp. Her wrists burned but she struggled all the same. “Why! You can’t! You can’t leave us!”

Lost and exhausted, Dean dropped her hands and grabbed her shoulders, pulling her against his chest. He locked his arms around her back, crushed her into his warmth, refusing to budge or let her loose.

“Shh…”

He kissed the top of her head.

“Shh… please…”

He rocked slowly side to side, soothing her as she splintered like a tree struck by lightning.

“Dean-”

“I know.” He kissed her again and loosened his grip. “I know.”

She pulled back and stared up at him, unable to speak, unable to think. The whole world was shattering around her and all she could see was him.

Tiny hands moved up his chest, clawing at the buttons, bunching up the black tee beneath.

“Dean…”

He felt the touch like the strike of a match and bent to kiss her lips.

She breathed into him and then pulled the air right back. She wanted the oxygen they needed to be the same; wanted a moment of connection before he was gone forever.

Dean needed it too. He came alive as his hands roamed her body. He dug his fingertips into soft flesh, pawed at her breasts, licked deep into her mouth.

Y/N backed up as he advanced and leaned on the cold metal of the Impala. Dean caught up quickly and tore at the thin shirt that covered her. She tugged it away; tossed it into the dirt.

“Please don’t leave me,” she whispered as he lifted her up, her lips shoved against his ear. “You can’t…”

Dean moaned as she spread her legs and let him slide between. She kissed every inch of his face, every freckle that she could see. He melted into her; fire and ice, anguish and lust fighting inside of him.

She licked at his lips; he snuck his hand into her jeans.

She nibbled at his ear; he moaned and rocked against her.

She clung to him like letting go would kill her.

He memorized her body so he could carry the touch with him until the end of time.

“We should go inside,” he croaked, breaking away enough to look down into her beautiful eyes. Strands of hair fell into her eyes and he swept it away. “It’s getting cold.”

Y/N dropped her hand down his body, her eyes following suit. “Don’t want to,” she confessed, her voice deeper and tinged with goodbye. “Not yet.”

Dean sighed, his soul heavy, his mind a mess. He cupped her face, holding her between his big, warm hands. “What am I gonna do with you?”

He’d asked it a thousand times before in jest, but this time it felt different. This time it hurt.

Hooking two fingers behind his belt, she tugged him forward an inch. There was hardly any space between them, but she needed what was there to shrink away.

“You can give me tonight,” she said sadly. “You can give me one last night before you go.”

He kissed away the tear that slid down her cheek.

“OK.”

The backdoor creaked open like it always did; the springs in the back squeaked when he lay down.

Y/N stood in the open air, stripping slowly while he watched from inside. Head propped up against the window and long legs stretched out over the bench seat, he stared at her silhouette. Haloed by the soft glow from the house, she looked like an angel- soft and beautiful and so perfectly made for him that his heart ached.

He reached for her and she slipped inside, climbing onto the worn leather and closing the door behind her. She sat on his thighs with her bottom lip snagged between her teeth and her hands on his stomach.

“You can still change your mind, ya know.”

Dean lay his hands on her legs and caressed the soft flesh of her inner thighs with his thumbs. He was unblinking, unyielding; certain.

“I won’t.”

Y/N nodded gently before falling down to kiss him again. If this was it, then she wanted to remember every second. No more talking, no more tears. Nothing but hungry lips and searching hearts, Dean and the rising moon.

It was cold in the car but they kept warm. They slept in each other’s arms, just a simple roll over from falling off the seat. Dean held her close and Y/N counted each beat of his heart. She realized sadly that one day her own heart would stop and his would still be going, kept alive for eternity by the Archangel trapped inside. She would be dead and Dean would live on and on forever, locked in torment until the universe collapsed and reality disintegrated, and maybe not even then would he be allowed to rest. Michael could keep him as long as he wanted, perpetually frozen in time even as time wore on.

She’d be dust and he’d be flesh and blood.

She’d be a memory and he’d be in his self-made hell.

He was sleeping so soundly, she didn’t want to move, but she had to go. There was a pain in her chest that expanded with each breath, a hole inside that grew with every second that she stared at him.

Carefully, she slid from his arms and out into the morning air. She gathered her clothes and grabbed the keys to her little Toyota.

She glanced back at the house, at the barn housing Dean’s final resting place. Sam would help him, she was sure. Mary would talk some sense into him. But she couldn’t stay. She couldn’t watch him go, couldn’t bear to see tail lights fade into the horizon.

The sky was changing: black to indigo and on to pink.

Y/N backed down the gravel driveway and was gone before the first light.

#spn fanfiction #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #angst

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theeternalwombtarot · 11 months ago

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messages for singles from your divine counterpart:

message: hello, this one’s intended for those who are single, who are manifesting new love or manifesting a divine counterpart or manifesting their person as in “the one” I intend to do these in channeled message format so it’ll be a message that sounds as though I’m speaking directly to you. In life we have plenty of soulmates, plenty of karmics, some of us have a twin flame even as well. But whomever, you’re intended to end up with long term and indefinitely is who I’ll be channeling in energy today. My prayer for those of you who are choosing to receive this message is that it reaches those who are only in alignment with the prospect of love and divinely ordained connections and are willing to manifest happiness and abundance for themselves through action and growth. Our hearts are big enough to share and open up to many but I pray that those whom you choose to share your hearts with and those whom approach you with the prospect of sharing theirs are in true alignment with you and will treat you only with upmost tenderness and care. Bless. 💙

*purples and blues are significant once again, also fish. 🎣 lol wtv that means..*

***

“I know that things have been hard for you, you may feel somewhat hopeless about your romantic relationships and about love. You may have entered this lifetime with strong feelings and a deep pull to romantic love and connections, you want to focus on someone, you want to love and be loved, you want for others to do for you what you so effortlessly do for them. I am all the same I promise. You feel as though what you’re looking for may not truly exist, you feel as through you’ve been hurt or mistreated so much that you have a responsibility to settle in order to be happy or that the people you find yourself attached to or loving deeply are the end be all for you and if they were to go that you’d be alone eternally. That’s just not true.

Hardship and the battle forward is rewarded with good things my love. Don’t be stubborn, don’t bury yourself deep into the ground and refuse to move, do not take root where you do not belong, where you do not belong does not have the nutrients to allow you to grow as I will. Where you do not belong will weaken your roots, will eat away at you, will tie you down and tangle you up in order to keep you from growing towards the sky. Do not allow the negative behaviors and actions of others interfere with the purity of your heart. To strive for better means only to remain strong and authentic in times of crisis.

To me, your divinity shines up towards the heavens like a beacon of hope and you are everything I have been looking for and praying for. I watch you. I study you. I hang on to your every word. You are home to me while several aspects of my spirit lain and remain frequent in movement. When I come to you, I’d have found myself but there is more that I will discover about what I need and what I truly desire out of this lifetime through you. You are so special, so divine, you are the single closest thing to the heavens. I will support you. Those who speak ill of you will be silenced. I will protect you. When one finds an angel, they are tasked with the responsibility of creating heaven for them and that is exactly what I’ll do.

In the now, I remain in the process of coming into alignment with myself, seeking out my own divinity as you seem to effortlessly have, I love you because you make me a better individual, you bring solace for my spirit after a long while having none, you pour into me light you’ve sourced from only the most authentic of places. Your growth means mine so please carry on, focus on what it means to find enlightenment and fulfillment in your own life and in your own reality, build things for yourself, create, find peace where you don’t have it by removing what disrupts it. I know that you love to talk and I will love to listen to you, we will stay up for hours having conversations and connecting with one another, I value your love for communication and your ability to speak and write so effortlessly about a variety of things, you bring with you wisdom wherever you go, your mind is a god given one.

I know god, I know faith, but I will not see it in all of its glory and essence until I meet you. You are the physical embodiment of divinity, of love, of spirituality, of power. Please do not be hurt by the way things have revealed themselves to be in your life and in love, move with grace, offer yourself forgiveness for not seeing the worst in others right away because it is not within your heart to do so. Acceptance is the key to inner peace, we must accept things as they are. I will tell you plenty that there is no peace nor purpose in trying to change things that are beyond our control or have already taken the form of which they already are. With me you’ll learn balance, with me you’ll learn what it means to be fluid, to be malleable and flexible. In more ways than one..

I bring and offer to you support and balance where you do not have it. De-center your romantic relationships at this time. De-center the prospect of searching for love or a divine counterpart. Laugh. Enjoy your life, have fun, love yourself, love the things you create, love the human experience. Seek out love and solace in every where but others whom you have to trudge through deep waters in order to find. I am with you in spirit. Look deep into your heart and you will find all my love and support.”

***

ii.

“I want only to create beautiful things with you my love, to create prosperity in our lives, to build homes wherever we go, to have children with you, to make love and love one another equally. But, before we can do that, there is something i need to let go of. Change is difficult, I know it to be true but we can only receive what we rightfully deserve when we open ourselves up to receiving it, we can only recover from what we will allow yourselves to release. I have so much to say to you but I can’t put into words all I want to say just yet but I am trying, I am growing. Where change comes and attempts to pull you away from wherever youve held yourself against your spirits true desires and wishes is where change threatens to pull me from as well.

My heart is heavy, I have many blockages to work through. I am afraid, and my past, my upbringing and my karmic cycles threaten always to pull me into the trap of continuing to live and love through generational curses, to fall into toxic cycles of repetition, or to continue not perpetuate cycles of abuse or bad habits. I feel restless all the time and my problem at this time, in this day and age is not feeling as though I have the capacity or strength to do the inner work to break heavy generational burdens that have been inherited to me.

I fought to be here, my spirit is weary, in my past life I lived a life or hardship, and in this one I bring with me heavy things, I said to God that I would come back and try again, but consciously, in my human mind, I don’t remember, I do not know the source of my trauma and my hardship in full. I feel as though on my journey into this world I was sent plummeting into the abyss. I feel the way the Morningstar felt when god cast him out. I feel your resistance, you do not want to speak with me or you do not want to hear from me. But I fought to be here. To be within this plain of existence and to come through this message to connect with you.

I do not blame you for the way that you feel, I know that I do not have the capacity at this time to give you everything you need and deserve and so as punishment for my behavior you’ve taken your heart away from me and given it to someone else or have locked it away elsewhere out of my reach. I understand. If you choose to part from me till the end of this lifetime and into the next I do not blame you and I will not be angry. I will live with regret. You no longer romanticize hardship, you have healed, you have outgrown me for my purpose within our past and I respect that, I respect your decision, I respect you. What I want most out of this life is to heal, to come into alignment with myself and to be with you, what you want is to be loved wholly and beyond fears and ego and for a very long time I could not do that for you and so you took yourself elsewhere. You are brave and you are strong. You represent what it means to be in love with yourself, to be in alignment, to be love, to grow, to prosper.

I will transform, I will make the changes necessary for myself like you asked me too. You told me once, that you wished for me self love and peace and I will find it. With or without you as you did in your life. I will reap the reward of healing and of growth and of freedom from karmic cycles and generational trauma. I will be strong and I will be brave just as you told me to be. I will take from the strength you poured into me that I stored away due to me not knowing how to use it in the past. I’m going to let go of all of these horrible things, I’m going to server my attatchment to my trauma. See? Now you are calm. You don’t scowl at me or frown, you’re calm and beautiful as you exist in my memory. I’m your twin flame. I am apart of you. The qualities that you dislike within me are qualities you dislike within yourself. We are one. You may have moved on from me, you may have grown, you may be in the process of creating things for yourself in your life, settling into commitments, loving yourself and loving others but I’ll be with you. In spirit.”

***

iii.

“The two of us haven’t yet met but I believe that I will find you one day when we’re ready to meet one another. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, I’m sure we both have in our lives. I know that you’re waiting for me and I know that at times you feel restless or exhausted or you may even feel lonely or frustrated due to the fact that you haven’t met someone who is perfectly suited for you as you think you’d observed in other peoples relationships.

Don’t envy others, in there situations there is proof of flaws as well however minimal. We have so much inner work to do and so much growth to embark on, I’ve not come, we’ve not come together because we’re simply not ready and it’s only a matter of time and the choices we choose to make in between time. Don’t wait up for me, don’t center your growth around love, set yourself free, allow your spirit to move through life and gain the gift of the human experience without desired outcomes or predetermined ideas about what will come if you choose to grow, if you choose self love, if you choose to come into alignment with your higher self. I would say all these things to you as a friend before I was in the position to say them to you as a lover.

Your value, your time, your energy, your worth are not attached to who you can become for others or what you could potentially receive for growing or becoming who’ve been meaning to be this entire time. Think about everything that you desire for yourself, consider your freedom and your return from spiritual poverty. Reevaluate what is truly important to you. We can only offer and give to others what he already have for ourselves. It is not your job to go out into the world and fall in love it is your job to fall in love with yourself and all of your divinity and come into true alignment so that I may come to you and offer myself to you in full. I want for you what you want for yourself… happiness, peace, support, safety.. you can hear my voice by now within your spirit, hold onto me. Take root.

Release your anger, release your frustration, do not allow yourself to be easily moved or threatened by others and triggering situations, don’t allow people’s behaviors whether they be negative or be in positive intention push you to be cold and apathetic or negative or rude. To love yourself is to love others. To be patient with yourself is to be patient with others. To forgive yourself is to forgive others. To be emotionally in tune and receptive is to see the truth in situations and make room for all truths. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrong doings. Ask yourself, my love, if you are these things you say you want, if you are all these things you say you want love to be, if you are in the energy to receive it. And then, when you are ready and you are able, I will come.

***

thankyou for listening guys, rest or be productive today in ways that matter, you choose. Be calm today, be reflective, be intentional. Show yourself grace and offer it to others. I love you, and I’ll see you another time! Bless! 🎣💜

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elikajinnie · 26 days ago

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You Are My Sunshine - K.S

P: Hufflepuff!Sunoo X Fem!Reader

Warnings: Minor Bullying? Fluff, Confessions, Minor Angst.

Synopsis: You were known as the grumpy, closed-off student at Hogwarts, keeping your emotions tightly guarded. That is, until Kim Sunoo, the ever-cheerful Hufflepuff, took it upon himself to brighten your days. With his infectious laughter and unwavering optimism seep into your life, you slowly realize that the warmth of his sunshine is quickly melting away your defenses.

a/n: sorry babes and pooks, this one is kinda short? exams are coming up and i only have a sliver of moment in the commute to and from school to write :) but hope everyone had a nice halloween! (anyone got an idea for Heeseungs slytherin fic?? Im brainstorming over here >:(

masterlist

☀︎⋆｡°·☁︎

You swore you were a nice person. It might not look like it, though—your face and demeanor often gave the opposite impression. You weren’t cold, but you had always been reserved, choosing to keep to yourself more often than not. Because of that, when you first arrived at Hogwarts, you didn’t exactly collect friends the way others seemed to. Only a select few ever got to see how friendly you actually were, but that was only after you decided you could trust them.

So, it came as a surprise—a big surprise—when one afternoon, while you were tucked away in a quiet corner of the library, deeply immersed in your studies, someone pulled out a chair and sat down right beside you.

Glancing up, you immediately recognized him. Kim Sunoo, the ever-smiling, ever-popular Hufflepuff. His presence was unmistakable, bright as day. His grin was practically beaming, and it momentarily threw you off balance. You blinked, wondering if he had the wrong table.

"Hey!" he greeted, voice light and full of energy. "Mind if I sit here?"

You stared at him blankly, unsure if he was serious or just passing by. He had already sat down, so you didn’t see much point in objecting. After a beat of silence, you returned your attention to the parchment in front of you, figuring the conversation might end there.

It didn’t.

"I’ve seen you around," he continued, undeterred by your lack of response. "You’re really focused when you’re working, huh? Must be nice to be that dedicated. I always get distracted in the library."

Your eyes flicked over to him, giving a small nod but saying nothing. You weren’t used to this—the friendliness so freely given, the casual conversation with someone you barely knew. Your face remained impassive, though inwardly, you were trying to piece together why he of all people was sitting with you. Surely, he had plenty of other, more sociable people to talk to.

Sunoo, however, didn’t seem to mind your quietness. In fact, he just kept going. "I’m terrible at Potions," he admitted with a sheepish laugh. "Professor Snape probably thinks I’m hopeless. I bet you’re good at it, though. You’ve got that… I dunno, that calm, focused vibe."

You couldn’t help but frown a little at that. "Calm, focused vibe?" you echoed, your tone flat.

He grinned even wider, his eyes almost disappearing into crescent moons. "Yeah! You just seem really composed all the time. It’s cool. I get stressed and panicky over every little thing."

"I wouldn’t say I’m always calm," you replied, voice as even as your expression.

Sunoo’s smile didn’t waver. If anything, he looked more pleased that you were finally talking. "See? Even when you’re denying it, you’re calm," he teased, clearly enjoying himself. "You’re like the opposite of me."

You stared at him for a moment, wondering how anyone could be so upbeat all the time. Sunoo’s energy was infectious, even if your face didn’t show it. Still, your brows furrowed slightly as you watched him speak, trying to make sense of why this popular Hufflepuff was suddenly so interested in chatting with you.

"I don’t usually talk much," you pointed out, your tone neutral.

"I noticed," Sunoo replied without missing a beat, completely unfazed. "But I think that’s fine. You don’t need to say a lot to be interesting."

You blinked again, your expression still not giving away the faint surprise you felt at his words. You had expected him to lose interest by now, to move on to someone who would match his energy and conversation style, but he stayed right where he was, grinning like he had just made the best discovery of the day.

For a long moment, the two of you sat there, him smiling, you with your usual stoic expression, and yet, for some reason, it didn’t feel awkward. It was as if Sunoo’s bright presence was enough to fill any potential silence.

You tilted your head slightly, studying him. "Why are you talking to me?"

His laughter was soft, but genuine. "Why not? You seem interesting."

"I don’t really come across that way," you said, voice deadpan.

Sunoo shrugged, still smiling. "You do to me."

And with that, he leaned back in his chair, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to sit there, in complete contrast to your serious demeanor, radiating warmth and light like a small sun.

☀︎⋆｡°·☁︎

During your next Potions class, you settled into your usual spot toward the back, where the dim light made it easier to focus without distractions. You liked this spot. It was quiet, and you could concentrate without anyone poking their nose into your work. But just as you began setting up your ingredients, you heard a familiar, cheerful voice.

"Mind if I join you?"

You glanced up, almost certain you had imagined it, only to find Kim Sunoo grinning down at you. His presence was the last thing you expected in this class. He was known for sitting up front, surrounded by his usual group, always cracking jokes and flashing that bright smile.

Sunoo slid into the seat beside you before you could respond, giving you an easy, friendly smile as he began organizing his ingredients. "I thought maybe if I sat by you, Professor Snape might be a little more… forgiving?" he whispered, his tone hopeful.

You raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "Why would he be?"

"Well," he said, leaning in slightly as if sharing a great secret, "he likes you. Haven't you noticed? He doesn’t scowl as much when you’re around. I figured maybe I could absorb some of your calm, composed energy," he added, making an exaggerated face of concentration as if he were already channeling your stoic look.

You couldn’t help but let a small, amused huff escape. “If that’s your plan, I wouldn’t count on it working.”

Sunoo smiled wider, undeterred. "Worth a shot, right?"

As if on cue, Snape swept into the classroom, his dark robes billowing behind him. His eyes scanned the room with that usual, critical glint before landing on you and Sunoo. He paused, visibly surprised to see the two of you sitting together, but instead of saying anything, he gave a curt nod and moved on, barking instructions for today’s lesson.

You gave Sunoo a sidelong glance as he visibly relaxed. “See? I think it’s working already,” he whispered, giving you a thumbs-up under the table. “He didn’t even glare!”

You rolled your eyes. "He didn't glare because he’s focused on starting class. Don't think you're off the hook."

Sunoo just shrugged, a bit of humor still glinting in his eyes. “I don’t mind. Besides, you’re probably good at Potions, right? You could even help me. Professor Snape can’t get mad if you’re the one teaching me, right?”

“I don’t think that’s how it works. But sure… as long as you don’t blow anything up.”

Sunoo grinned again, nudging you playfully with his elbow. "Deal."

As the lesson began, you quickly noticed that Sunoo seemed determined to keep up, his usual playful energy tempered as he looked over his cauldron with an unexpected intensity. It was strange to see him so focused, but oddly gratifying, knowing he was genuinely trying.

"Okay," you whispered, leaning over to show him your carefully arranged ingredients. "For this Draught of Peace, every step has to be precise. Start by adding the powdered moonstone, but remember to stir counterclockwise three times after each pinch."

Sunoo glanced at you, his face serious as he nodded. "Three times, counterclockwise. Got it." He leaned forward, following your lead and adding the powder in controlled amounts. His usual talkative nature was nowhere to be seen, replaced by an almost endearing determination to get it right.

When he looked back at you for the next step, you raised an eyebrow, testing him. "What’s next, then?”

He bit his lip, thinking hard. "Uh, lacewing flies… right? Only one… no, two wings, torn lengthwise?"

"Not bad," you said, impressed. “See? You’re actually getting it."

He smiled sheepishly, keeping his eyes on his work as he carefully placed the ingredients in the cauldron. "Only because you’re explaining it in a way that makes sense," he admitted, glancing at you. "Potions books make it sound way too complicated."

You had to admit, seeing him genuinely engaged in learning something he found difficult felt surprisingly rewarding. “It’s only complicated if you rush,” you explained, “so take your time with this part. And make sure to add a clockwise stir after each wing.”

He mirrored your movements, handling each step as carefully as he could manage, clearly hanging onto each of your instructions. When he managed to mix everything without a hitch, he turned to you, his face beaming. “Look, it’s actually working. It’s not grey!”

You gave him an approving nod. “See? As long as you follow the instructions and stay focused, you’re fine.”

"Well, when you put it like that, it’s not so scary," he murmured, watching as the liquid turned a gentle blue.

"Now, simmer it for ten minutes," you said, leaning back in your chair. "And keep an eye on the bubbles—they should stay small and steady."

He sighed in relief, clearly grateful for the help. "You have no idea how much easier that makes things."

When you caught his eye, he grinned. "If I sit next to you every Potions class, you won’t mind, right?"

You paused at his question, thrown off by how quickly he’d asked it. Sunoo had a way of being open and friendly with everyone, but this… well, this felt different. You weren’t sure what he was really after, and his sudden interest in sitting with you felt almost too friendly.

So, you just shrugged, keeping your face neutral. “If you want to,” you replied, glancing back at your own cauldron.

Sunoo watched you for a moment, seeming to notice your hesitation. But instead of getting discouraged, he just gave a small laugh, scratching the back of his head. “You don’t mind, right? I mean… you’re not gonna hex me or anything?”

You blinked, caught off guard, but his teasing smirk showed he was only joking. “No,” you said, “Not unless you mess up the potion.”

He chuckled, apparently finding your reaction funny. "Alright, noted," he replied, nudging his cauldron carefully as he checked the simmering liquid. “Guess I’ll have to be on my best behavior then.”

For the rest of class, he kept close by your side, following each instruction you gave him with an unusual attentiveness. He even managed to complete the potion almost perfectly. When Snape passed by, he raised an eyebrow at Sunoo’s work but said nothing, which was the highest praise he could give.

As you cleaned up at the end of class, Sunoo packed his things slowly, glancing over at you. “Thanks for the help,” he said, smiling warmly. “Not sure I could’ve done that without you.”

You simply nodded, unsure of what to say, but he seemed content with the small gesture. As he turned to leave, he glanced back one more time. “See you next class?”

“Yeah… sure,” you replied, giving a half-shrug.

As he left, you couldn’t help but feel a little curious. Sunoo’s interest in sitting with you still felt unexpected.

☀︎⋆｡°·☁︎

Days turned into weeks, and Sunoo became a near-constant presence by your side. Whether it was Potions, lunch in the Great Hall, or even the occasional study session in the library, he always seemed to find his way over to you, plopping down with that familiar grin and easy energy that contrasted so starkly with your laid-back demeanor.

At first, you thought maybe he’d get bored, or that your lack of enthusiasm might wear him down. But Sunoo was nothing if not persistent. No matter how often you shrugged at his questions or gave him short, deadpan responses, he just laughed it off, acting as though he’d known you forever. And even though you never rejected his company outright, you never really encouraged it either. Not that Sunoo seemed to care.

One afternoon, you found yourself in the library, a familiar routine now: books spread out, your head bent over an assignment you were half-heartedly working on. The sound of footsteps made you glance up, and sure enough, there he was—Sunoo, grinning, holding two mugs of butterbeer from the kitchens.

“Thought you could use one,” he said, sliding it across the table to you.

You gave a halfhearted sigh, accepting it anyway. “You know, you don’t have to keep showing up like this. Don’t you have other friends?”

He shrugged, unfazed. “Sure, but I like hanging out with you. Plus, you’re surprisingly easy to talk to, you know?”

“Is that right,” you said, taking a sip of the butterbeer, trying to keep your face neutral. “And here I thought I was terrible company.”

“Hardly,” he replied with a grin, leaning in like he was letting you in on a secret. “I think you’re interesting, even if you act like you don’t care. And… I think you like my company, too.”

You huffed, looking away. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

He laughed, “Alright, alright. I’ll leave it at that. But you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.”

You hid a smile behind your hand, feeling an unexpected warmth from his words.

As days passed, Sunoo continued to be your constant shadow, sticking to you like he belonged there. Whenever he leaned in close to explain something exciting or nudged your shoulder to get your attention, you didn’t push him away. Not even a grumble. And soon enough, people began to notice—whispers trailing behind the two of you whenever you entered a room together.

"Are they really that close now?" someone muttered one afternoon in the library, eyeing the way Sunoo leaned over to show you a funny illustration in his book.

"They’re, like… polar opposites," another whispered, watching you with open curiosity, clearly baffled at how you, the reserved one with a permanent poker face, had Sunoo—the endlessly friendly, sunny Hufflepuff—so close.

The attention might have bothered you once, but Sunoo’s influence seemed to have rubbed off on you. You were a little more relaxed, even when people stared or asked questions. Sunoo’s laughter or his quick jokes were enough to break the awkwardness you might’ve once felt, and strangely enough, you’d even found yourself talking to more people—not necessarily by choice, but because he kept introducing you to others.

One evening, you were sitting in the library with one of your closer friends. They’d known you for years and were one of the few who really understood you. As Sunoo wandered over to grab a book from the shelves nearby, your friend leaned in with a small smile.

“You know, it’s funny,” they said quietly, eyeing you with amusement. “You and Sunoo… you balance each other out. Like, he brings you out of your comfort zone with all these people and conversations, and you, well… you help him calm down and focus more.”

You raised an eyebrow, a bit skeptical. “Sunoo? Focused?”

Your friend chuckled. “More than you’d think. Have you noticed how much more serious he’s been in Potions lately? And he actually sits through an entire library study session without talking your ear off.”

You shrugged, not wanting to admit just how true it was. “Maybe he’s just getting better at Potions.”

“Sure,” they replied, giving you a knowing look. “And maybe you’re just getting more social.”

You huffed, looking away to hide a small, reluctant smile. It was true that Sunoo had brought a new energy to your life, and whether you liked it or not, you’d changed a little since he’d attached himself to you. You actually found yourself looking forward to his presence. He made things… lighter.

Just then, Sunoo bounded over, oblivious to the conversation you’d been having. He plopped down beside you, smiling as usual. “Hey! Did you know they added a new dessert in the kitchens? We have to go try it later!”

Your friend shot you a look, clearly delighted by the way you barely rolled your eyes before nodding. “Fine,” you replied. “But you’re bringing it back here. I’m not going all the way to the kitchens.”

Sunoo’s smile only grew. “Deal. You’re finally starting to admit you like spending time with me, huh?”

You scoffed, looking away to hide the faint warmth creeping into your cheeks. “Don’t push it.”

But the truth was undeniable, and both your friend and Sunoo could see it: somehow, the two of you had found a balance.

It didn’t take long for you to realize just how well Sunoo had come to understand you. He could somehow sense when your patience was wearing thin, when you’d been around people for too long and needed to be left alone. Whenever he picked up on your waning energy, he would offer you a small, knowing smile, give you a light squeeze on the shoulder, and let you be. No questions asked, no lingering around to wait you out—he just knew.

And maybe, in some way, you’d learned to pick up on his cues, too. Sunoo, who was normally all bright smiles and endless chatter, had quiet days—moments when his laughter would be softer, his eyes a little distant, his usual warmth feeling dimmed. At first, you didn’t know what to make of it, but eventually, you realized what he needed. So, whenever he’d get that faraway look, you’d make an extra effort to bring a bit of lightness back into his world.

Like the time you found him sitting by the lake, lost in thought as he absently trailed his fingers through the water. Without a word, you’d sat beside him and started retelling one of Snape’s more ridiculous lectures with a deadpan voice, mimicking Snape’s mannerisms in a way that finally drew a soft, genuine laugh from Sunoo.

“You’re pretty funny when you want to be,” he had said, nudging your shoulder as his smile returned.

“Just don’t get used to it,” you replied, but you couldn’t stop the small smile from creeping onto your face.

And it did go both ways. Sometimes you’d notice his plate looking a little too empty at dinner, and without a word, you’d sneak extra food onto it, nudging it his way until he ate. On the mornings he’d wander into class looking groggy and starving from skipping breakfast, you’d casually slide a piece of toast or a muffin over to him without drawing any attention, not even acknowledging it as he glanced at you in surprise, a grateful look in his eyes.

Once, he’d shown up in the library just before lunch, clearly worn down from a long morning of classes. His face lit up as he saw you, but before he could say anything, you pulled a sandwich from your bag and held it out to him, rolling your eyes as he grinned.

“Eat,” you ordered, trying not to smile at the way he accepted it.

“You’re seriously the best,” he said between bites, eyes shining with gratitude.

You shrugged, not making a big deal of it. “Just don’t skip meals.”

As much as Sunoo’s constant presence had once felt overwhelming, you couldn’t deny how natural it had become. He was someone you didn’t mind looking after, just as he looked after you in his own way. And even though you still hadn’t outright admitted how much he’d come to mean to you, you knew he could feel it.

After all, Sunoo seemed to understand you better than you’d ever expected.

☀︎⋆｡°·☁︎

On a Thursday, right as you and Sunoo were walking down the hall from Potions, laughing quietly about some ridiculous mistake he’d made when a group of students passed by, whispering just loud enough for you to hear.

“Can’t believe those two are always together,” one of them sneered, glancing your way. “I don’t get what Sunoo sees in someone so… cold.”

“Yeah, must be a pity friendship,” another scoffed. “Who’d actually choose to hang around someone like that?”

The words hit you harder than you’d like to admit. You clenched your fists, feeling your cheeks grow hot with anger. Before you knew it, you were turning toward them, words already forming on your tongue.

But then, you felt a soft tug on your arm—Sunoo, pulling you back. His expression was a mix of concern and pleading, his hand gripping yours tightly.

“Don’t,” he whispered urgently, shaking his head. “They’re not worth it. Just… let it go, okay?”

But their words kept echoing in your mind, growing louder, and something about the way they’d insulted not only you but Sunoo too, made your blood boil. You could see how Sunoo was trying to brush it off, but the hurt flashed briefly in his eyes, even if he was trying to hide it.

“No,” you said firmly, ignoring his hold as you spun back around, voice sharp as you yelled after them. “Got something to say? How about you say it to our faces instead of acting like cowards?”

The group turned, surprised by your outburst, and you could see them tense, unprepared for confrontation. They exchanged uneasy looks before one of them, bolder than the others, sneered. “We’re just saying what everyone else is thinking.”

“Then let me make one thing clear,” you shot back, holding their gaze with an intensity that made them falter. “Sunoo is a hundred times the person any of you will ever be. So maybe you’re the ones who should keep quiet.”

They shifted, looking caught off guard. When they finally muttered a weak insult under their breath and walked off, you turned back to Sunoo, your anger still simmering.

Sunoo was watching you, eyes wide, a mixture of shock and something else—something soft and grateful—shining in his expression. He let out a breath, chuckling as he shook his head. “You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

You shrugged, still fuming, but now a little embarrassed at how strongly you’d reacted. “They don’t get to talk about us like that.”

Sunoo’s smile widened, and he squeezed your hand, which you’d forgotten he was still holding, looking at you with a warmth that seemed to melt away the remnants of your anger.

The hallway felt strangely empty around you, and though you didn’t say anything, the look you gave him said everything you couldn’t put into words.

☀︎⋆｡°·☁︎

You and Sunoo became a regular sight around Hogwarts: you, with your usual deadpan expression and arms crossed, and Sunoo practically glowing with happiness beside you. Wherever he went, you seemed to follow, trailing a few paces behind with that ever-present poker face, while he chatted, laughed, and animatedly waved to anyone who passed.

There were days when Sunoo would drag you into random "adventures" across the castle, whether it was sneaking into the kitchens to grab snacks or daring you to climb one of the tall staircases to see if you could spot your common room window.

Like that time he convinced you to join him on an impromptu “mission” to see if the Fat Friar really could pass through walls from the sixth-floor corridor to the third-floor hallway. Somehow, he managed to get you to run after the ghost with him, dodging curious glances from students and teachers alike. Sunoo had laughed himself silly when you reached the third floor out of breath, pointing out the tiny, genuine grin that slipped onto your face as he panted beside you.

"Look, they’re smiling!" someone had gasped, and Sunoo turned with a proud grin, throwing an arm around your shoulder. “See? You just needed a little fun.”

You promptly rolled your eyes, but you didn't shrug him off. “I don’t know if chasing ghosts counts as fun,” you muttered, though the corner of your mouth betrayed you with the smallest smirk.

Then, there was the time Sunoo found out you’d never tried a Sugar Quill and insisted on “fixing this tragedy.” He dragged you down to Hogsmeade, where he bought you not one but two Sugar Quills, then made a show of pulling a face as he pretended to judge your expression with every lick. Even though you mostly kept your deadpan look, he saw right through you, laughing as you admitted they were “better than expected.”

“Wait, was that a compliment?” he teased, eyes wide in mock surprise.

You rolled your eyes, biting the end of the quill. “Don’t get used to it.”

But the most notable reactions always came during the quieter moments—the times Sunoo would ramble on about something, and you’d listen quietly, only to get caught off-guard by his laugh or one of his jokes, and let a smile slip. Whenever someone noticed, they’d gape in shock, like they’d just seen something truly unbelievable.

Like when you two were sitting by the Black Lake, and Sunoo was telling some ridiculous story about how he once tried to turn the Great Hall’s chandelier into a disco ball for a party idea (though, predictably, he’d been caught). You tried to hold it in, but a soft chuckle slipped out anyway. One nearby student stared so openly that Sunoo caught it too, and immediately grinned, elbowing you.

“See? People can’t believe their eyes. They probably think you’re a statue brought to life,” he teased, his eyes crinkling in amusement.

You gave him a flat look, but the tiny smile wouldn’t leave your face. “Maybe it’s you who’s bringing me to life,” you replied dryly, just to see him blush.

The two of you were a study in contrasts—your stoic, steady presence beside Sunoo’s unstoppable, bubbly energy. But somehow, people started catching those small, fleeting moments when you softened around him, when he made you smile in spite of yourself. And as much as you didn’t want to admit it, you liked that he was the one who could bring that out in you.

Life with Sunoo by your side continued to be an endless series of unexpected twists, each one gradually chipping away at your grumpy exterior. He had this strange ability to draw out parts of you that you’d long kept hidden, surprising even yourself in the process. And, somehow, you didn’t mind it as much as you thought you would.

One afternoon, Sunoo decided it was "absolutely necessary" to take you to the Owlery to see a particular baby owl he’d become fond of. “You’ll love it, I swear,” he insisted, dragging you up the steps. And despite your half-hearted grumbles about climbing “unnecessary stairs,” you found yourself actually smiling when the little owl pecked his hand affectionately. When Sunoo turned and caught the tiny smile on your face, he gasped dramatically.

“Stop the press!” he said loudly enough to echo through the Owlery. “They do have a heart!”

“Careful, or I’ll stop coming along to your ridiculous little outings,” you muttered, though the hint of amusement in your voice was hard to ignore.

“Oh, please,” Sunoo scoffed, looping an arm through yours as you both made your way back down. “You love every second of my company.”

You didn’t answer, but your silence was all the confirmation he needed.

Another time, during a Transfiguration lesson, you found yourself paired with Sunoo for a particularly tricky assignment. Sunoo, naturally, was struggling to concentrate, his wand movements lazy and absent-minded as he kept nudging you with random observations. “Did you know Professor McGonagall has a favorite cat?” he whispered, eyes wide.

“Focus,” you deadpanned, though the corners of your mouth twitched as you tried to stifle a smile.

Seeing your reaction, he grinned, adjusting his stance and mirroring your serious expression in an exaggerated way. “Like this?” he asked, mimicking your look perfectly.

You couldn’t hold it in this time—a small, genuine laugh escaped you, shocking the students around you. Even McGonagall raised an eyebrow, glancing over her spectacles. “Good to see you finding joy in Transfiguration, for once,” she said with a rare smile.

When class ended, Sunoo was practically beaming. “See? I’m finally getting you to open up,” he said, walking beside you with that familiar, almost blinding smile.

“Don’t push your luck,” you warned, but he only laughed, knowing you didn’t really mean it.

And every now and then, you’d catch students around the castle gawking when Sunoo would lean in close, pointing out something funny on a page or whispering a joke that would make your stone-cold demeanor soften for just a second. They couldn’t believe it, seeing you actually smiling or laughing in response to his antics.

One evening in the library, you were finishing up some homework while Sunoo sat beside you, absently doodling on parchment. He glanced over at you, tapping his quill on the desk.

“So,” he started, a little softer this time, “when did I officially become your friend?”

You didn’t look up, but your lips tugged upward slightly. “Guess it was the day you decided not to leave me alone,” you replied.

Sunoo grinned, leaning his head against your shoulder with a sigh. “Good thing I’m stubborn.”

You didn’t answer, but you didn’t move away, either. In fact, the small smile you wore spoke more than words ever could.

☀︎⋆｡°·☁︎

One quiet afternoon, you and Sunoo found yourselves sitting by the Black Lake. The sun was setting, casting a warm, golden glow over the water, and for once, there were no interruptions, no curious glances from other students. It was just the two of you, enjoying the peace and each other's company.

Sunoo had been unusually silent for a while, lost in thought as he skipped stones across the lake. Finally, he turned to you, his expression more serious than usual. “Hey,” he began softly, “can I ask you something?”

You glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. “Sure, what’s up?”

He hesitated, biting his lip before speaking again. “Why don’t you smile much around people? I mean, you smile a lot when it’s just us, but with others… it’s like you shut down.”

The question hung in the air, and for a moment, you weren’t sure how to respond. You stared out at the water, watching the ripples dance across the surface as you gathered your thoughts. Finally, you sighed, deciding to share a piece of your past that you rarely talked about.

“It’s not that I don’t want to smile,” you began slowly, choosing your words carefully. “I thought I had people I could rely on,” you continued, still keeping your gaze down, staring at the grass as though it held all the answers. “But things changed. They either weren’t there when I needed them most, or…” You trailed off, not quite able to voice the ways people had let you down. “It’s like they didn’t care as much as I thought they did. I felt stupid for ever trusting them.”

Your voice was barely a whisper by the end, but you forced yourself to keep going, feeling the weight of your words start to lighten as you let them out. “After that, I just… learned to be careful. I figured if I didn’t let people in, they couldn’t hurt me. So I stopped smiling so much. I thought maybe if I looked… unapproachable, people would keep their distance. And for the most part, they did.”

Sunoo gave your hand a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he said quietly, his voice laced with genuine empathy. “People can be selfish, and sometimes they don’t realize how their actions affect others. But I hope you know not everyone is like that.”

A lump formed in your throat at his words, the sincerity in his tone catching you off guard. “I know,” you replied, though your voice shook slightly. “It’s just hard to remember that sometimes. I didn’t want to risk getting hurt again, so… shutting people out seemed like the safest option.”

Sunoo shifted a little closer, his warmth a quiet reminder that you weren’t alone. “You know,” he began, voice gentle, “I had my own fair share of people who weren’t exactly the best, too. It hurt, and yeah, I thought about closing myself off sometimes. But then I thought, what if I missed out on someone who really could be a good friend?”

You looked over at him, catching the soft vulnerability in his eyes. “I guess that’s why you’re so… friendly,” you said, almost teasing but more thoughtful than anything. “You don’t want to miss out on the good people out there.”

He smiled, nodding. “Exactly. And… I knew you were different, you know. Even if you didn’t smile much, even if you looked like you’d rather be anywhere else than around people, I could just tell. That there was more to you. And look,” he added with a grin, “I was right.”

A laugh slipped out before you could stop it, a genuine one, and you shook your head at his optimism. “Guess you were,” you admitted, a little sheepishly. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you putting up with me, though.”

“Oh, please,” he scoffed, playfully bumping his shoulder against yours. “I knew there was something worth sticking around for. Even if you tried to hide it.”

The weight of his words settled over you, and you couldn’t help but feel a small surge of warmth. Sunoo hadn’t just pushed past your walls; he’d done it so gently, with such patience, that you hardly realized when you’d stopped trying to keep him out.

“Thanks for… sticking around,” you said, voice quiet, the sincerity in your words a stark contrast to your usual deadpan tone.

“Anytime,” he replied, a soft smile playing at his lips as he looked out at the lake. Then, after a beat, he added, “Besides, I like having someone around who gets me. You know how I can get lost in my own thoughts sometimes. You’re always there to pull me back.”

You both shared a comfortable silence, the kind you could only have with someone who truly understood you. After a while, you finally spoke again. “I guess I kind of forgot how nice it feels to let someone in.”

Sunoo nodded, a content smile on his face. “I’m glad you trusted me with that,” he said softly. “And… I hope you know I’ll never do anything to hurt you. Promise.”

You turned to him, meeting his gaze, and for once, you let down every wall and allowed yourself to believe him. “I believe you.”

He grinned, looking both relieved and happy. “Good. Because I plan on being around for a long time, whether you like it or not.”

Rolling your eyes, you felt the small, reluctant smile tugging at your lips once again. But this time, you didn’t fight it. “Guess I don’t really have a choice, huh?”

“Nope,” he replied cheerfully, leaning his head against your shoulder with a sigh. “I’m a very stubborn person, you know.”

Sunoo’s smile was soft and reassuring, his eyes shining.“I promise, I’ll never do anything to hurt you. You’re stuck with me now, whether you like it or not.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle at that, a genuine smile breaking through your usual guarded expression. “I guess I can live with that.”

Sunoo grinned, leaning in a bit closer. “Good. Because I’m not going anywhere.”

☀︎⋆｡°·☁︎

You couldn’t quite pinpoint the moment it happened, the gradual shift from seeing Sunoo as just that kind, bubbly Hufflepuff who wouldn’t leave you alone, to… this. Somewhere in the days spent with him at your side, with his laugh brightening even your most tired moments, Sunoo had become more than just a friend.

It hit you unexpectedly one day, as you leaned against a stone wall in the courtyard, watching from afar while he chatted with a group of other students. He was laughing, the sound rich and clear as he threw his head back, eyes crinkling in a way that made him look almost ethereal. His presence lit up the entire courtyard, as if he were some rare creature, something precious that didn’t quite belong to the harshness of the real world.

For a second, you wondered how someone like him—so pure, so effortlessly kind and happy—had come to talk to you, much less stick around. And as the thought lingered, you felt an ache in your chest you hadn’t expected. Because no matter how close you’d gotten, you couldn’t shake the feeling that Sunoo was somehow beyond your reach.

He caught sight of you then, his gaze shifting from the others to land directly on you, and his face lit up even more, a broad grin spreading across his features. You blinked, feeling warmth bloom inside you as he broke away from the group, jogging over to where you stood.

“You just standing there, brooding?” he teased, his eyes glinting with playful mischief as he nudged your shoulder.

You huffed, trying to shake off the thought that had just been consuming you. “Maybe. Someone’s gotta keep the aesthetic,” you muttered, lips curling in a faint smirk.

But as he laughed, the sound tugging at something deep inside you, you couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever see you the way you were beginning to see him. If he’d ever feel that same tug of warmth and longing when he looked at you.

“What?” Sunoo asked, tilting his head when he noticed you staring.

“Nothing,” you replied quickly, looking away to hide the hint of pink creeping up your cheeks.

The days turned into weeks, and while Sunoo’s cheerful presence continued to brighten your life, you found yourself slipping back into familiar habits. Each time you spotted him surrounded by large groups of people, laughing and joking with ease, an unsettling fear began to take root in your chest. You pulled away, convinced that you would inevitably reveal too much—your feelings for him slipping through the cracks, leaving you vulnerable in front of everyone.

It wasn’t that you wanted to distance yourself from Sunoo; rather, it was the overwhelming dread of accidentally exposing your heart that made you withdraw. You’d sit on the sidelines, pretending to be absorbed in your own conversations or buried in a book, watching him from afar with a mix of longing and anxiety. Each time he glanced your way, a bolt of panic shot through you, and you’d quickly look away, heart racing at the thought of what he might see in your eyes.

You told yourself it was fine, that you needed space—that it was safer to watch him from afar, to keep things simple and keep your feelings hidden.

But that was easier said than done. Every time he’d glance over with that bright, hopeful smile, a pang of guilt and longing would settle in your chest. You’d nod in acknowledgment, force a small wave, and then slip away, heart hammering as you went.

And of course, Sunoo noticed.

One evening, when you were tucked away in a quiet corner of the library, a familiar figure appeared beside you. Sunoo slid into the seat, watching you with a curious, slightly hurt expression. "You’re avoiding me," he said softly, cutting right to the point.

You didn’t look up, keeping your focus on the parchment in front of you, hoping he wouldn’t press. “No, I’m just… busy. Lots of work,” you mumbled, hoping that would satisfy him.

“Really?” he asked, his voice edged with disbelief. “Because you used to tell me when things were bothering you. Now, it’s like… like I don’t even know what’s going on with you.” His tone was tinged with hurt, and you felt it like a weight in your chest.

“I’m fine, Sunoo. Really,” you replied with a weak shrug, not daring to meet his eyes. You knew if you did, he’d see right through you.

He let out a frustrated sigh. “Don’t do that,” he pleaded, his voice wavering. “Don’t push me away. I thought… I thought we’d built something together, you know? Something real. I want to be there for you, but you have to let me in.”

You swallowed hard, feeling your heart pound painfully. “It’s just… it’s complicated.”

He leaned closer, his voice filled with an unfamiliar urgency. “Then let me in on the ‘complicated.’ I don’t want you to hide from me. Please, talk to me.”

You clenched your jaw, still not meeting his gaze. You could feel his intensity, his genuine care, and it tore you up inside. “Sunoo, just… drop it,” you said, voice quieter than you intended.

But he didn’t drop it. “Why won’t you just be real with me?” he nearly begged, his tone raw and vulnerable. “I hate seeing you shut yourself off like this. I hate that you’re just… disappearing. It’s like I’m losing you, and I don’t understand why. I thought we were closer than this.”

A pang of frustration bubbled up. He didn’t understand because you’d kept him in the dark, because you were afraid he’d never feel the same way. You had no right to be upset, but it hurt too much to bear alone any longer.

“Because, Sunoo!” you said, your voice rising. “Because I… I have feelings for you, alright?”

As soon as the words were out, your hand flew to your mouth in shock, eyes widening at what you’d just revealed. You stared at him, feeling a mixture of panic and regret swell up as the weight of what you’d just said settled between you.

You half-expected to see shock or pity on his face, but instead, Sunoo’s expression softened. Slowly, a smile spread across his lips, one of genuine happiness and warmth, lighting up his entire face.

“Do you… do you really feel that way?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper as if he didn’t quite believe his own ears.

Face burning, you nodded, too afraid to meet his eyes but not wanting to take the words back. “Yeah. I do,” you replied, voice quiet, feeling both relieved and terrified.

Without another word, Sunoo’s hands reached for yours, pulling you close. He looked at you with a joy that you hadn’t seen in him before, his eyes practically glowing. “I’ve liked you for so long,” he admitted softly, almost shyly. “You’re everything I wanted but thought I’d never have.”

You blinked, your breath catching as his words sank in. “Really?”

He nodded, grinning even wider as he held your gaze. “Yes. So… don’t pull away from me, okay? I want to be there with you, through everything.”

Still in shock, you finally let yourself breathe. Then, with a shaky smile, you whispered, “Okay.”

Sunoo’s face lit up, and he pulled you into a warm embrace, holding you close as if he’d never let go. And for the first time in a long time, you let yourself relax, feeling the weight of your guarded heart ease as you leaned into him.

Sunoo’s eyes searched yours, his expression a mix of excitement and hesitation. “Can I… kiss you?” he asked softly.

You didn’t need to think twice. Instead of answering verbally, you leaned in closer, closing the distance between you until your lips met his. The kiss was tentative at first, a gentle brush of warmth and sweetness, but it quickly deepened as Sunoo responded, his hand finding its way to the back of your neck, cradling you closer.

Every nerve in your body tingled as you kissed him back, the sensation blooming inside you like fireworks. It felt right, like a missing piece finally falling into place. Sunoo’s lips were soft against yours, and the world melted away—there was no noise, no crowd, just the two of you.

As he deepened the kiss, you felt yourself melt against him, your worries and fears dissipating like morning mist in the sunlight. Sunoo pulled back slightly, his forehead resting against yours, both of you breathless and a little stunned.

“Wow,” he breathed, his eyes sparkling with delight. “That was… amazing.”

You chuckled softly, still feeling a rush of warmth and happiness coursing through you. “Yeah, it really was.”

“Can we do that again?” he asked, a playful glint in his eye, and you couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm.

“Definitely,” you replied, heart racing with a mix of excitement and newfound affection.

With a grin, he leaned in again, capturing your lips with his, and you both fell into the rhythm of each other’s movements, the kiss growing more confident this time. It was a sweet, tender connection that spoke of the trust and understanding you’d built, a promise of what was to come.

As you pulled away again, your cheeks flushed, you couldn’t help but laugh at how easy it felt, how natural. “I can’t believe we waited this long,” you said, shaking your head in disbelief.

“I know, right?” Sunoo replied, still beaming. “But I’m glad we finally did.” He paused, a seriousness creeping into his expression. “I really like you, you know. I’ve wanted to say it for a while, but I didn’t want to scare you off.”

You felt your heart swell at his words, and you smiled softly. “You didn’t scare me off, Sunoo. If anything, you made me realize how much I needed you in my life.”

He grinned, his eyes sparkling with joy. “Then let’s keep making these memories, yeah? I want to know everything about you. All the good stuff and the not-so-good stuff. I want to be the one you trust.”

“Deal,” you replied, feeling a wave of warmth wash over you. “And I’ll try to be more open, I promise.”

“Good,” he said, and with a playful nudge, he added, “And maybe I’ll even get you to smile more often.”

You rolled your eyes but couldn’t help the smile that broke through. “Maybe. But only if you keep being so ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous is my specialty,” he laughed, and as the two of you settled into a comfortable silence, you couldn’t help but feel grateful for this new chapter in your life—a chapter filled with laughter, trust, and the thrill of discovering each other.

#enhypen fic #kim sunoo x reader #kim sunoo enhypen #kim sunoo #kim sunoo imagines #sunoo x reader #sunoo #enhypen sunoo #enha sunoo #enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen x reader #fanfiction #fanfic #sunoo enhypen #enha #hogwarts au

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musings-of-a-rose · 11 hours ago

Text

A New Life - Part 1

Pairing: General Marcus Acacius x ofc Cornelia

Word Count: 4700+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story.

Summary: After her husband's quick death, Cornelia finds herself back in her childhood home. But when her father passes, her cruel brother Cato becomes Lord of the city. She feels trapped, hopeless, destined for nothing as her brother tortures her day in and out. Until one day, a certain renowned General comes to claim her city in the name of Rome. When her brother hastily offers her up in surrender to the stoic General, Cornelia happily complies. Anything to get away from her brother. But will the General accept her? What fate lies in store for her in the hands of General who has never lost a battle? And will she be able to survive Rome itself?

Notes: sigh. look, I had one scene idea and it became this. If you've ever read anything by me, you know this happens. And just look at Acacius. How could I not? Shoutout to @mermaidxatxheart for tolerating my existence in general for this fic.

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**Reader is not described

Main Masterlist

General Marcus Acacius Masterlist

“We can’t thank you enough, miss.”

I wave my hand. “No need to thank me. I’m just doing what I can.”

I pull the palla (scarf) over my head as I wind my way back up the city streets, heading towards the home I grew up in. The largest home in the entire province that used to belong to my father, the noble in charge of this entire area. But ever since he died, my brother has taken his place and well, let’s just say he is far from my favorite person. Which is why I’m hiding as I sneak back inside, my brother having forbidden my leaving the grounds ever since I was forced to return after my husband’s death.

I wake the next morning to the sound of many footsteps running outside and down the halls. I quickly pull on my tunic and head out of the door, turning to head towards the main chambers where my brother would undoubtedly be. Sure enough, as I approached, I heard him raise his voice. It sounded like he was trying to muster troops? He barks out a few more commands and the door flies open, catching me off guard.

“Sister! Come here!” My brother, Cato, demands. I enter the room, casting my eyes downward and away from him for a moment before looking at him.

“Brother, what is happening?”

His eyes scan me from head to foot, his lip pulling up in a snear. “The Army has arrived.”

I cock my head. “Who’s army?”

He sighs, exasperated,. “The Roman army, Cornelia. The one led by Marcus Acacius?”

My eyes widen. “The general who has never been beat?”

“That’s the one.”

The people running around make sense now. We’re preparing for a fight. “What will we do?”

“We will fight!”

I scoff. “You cannot hope to win.”

His mean eyes snap to mine. “You don’t think I can?”

“I…I just mean, General Acacius has a reputation. Our numbers are small, we can’t-”

He waves his hand at me, cutting me off. “Yes, yes. I know. We’re going to give it our best. But I also have a backup.”

“Oh?”

The snear comes on full display. “Yes. Actually a way to solve 2 problems with one.”

“Two problems?”

“I will surrender and give the General you as a victory gift.”

My jaw drops, the air whooshing from my lungs. “M..me?”

“Yes, you. I know you’re already 30, but you look much younger. He won’t know. Besides, he doesn’t need to marry you.”

“You mean to give me to a man with no intention-”

He reaches out and grips my face with one hand. “Dear sister. I would whore you out to every noble, the emperors themselves, if it meant I got to keep my lifestyle.” He shoves me away. “Now go make yourself presentable. As much faith as I’d like to have in our troops, I rather think it will come down to you.”

And that was that. He turns, effectively cutting me off from any retort. I head back to my room, calling for one of my servants to help me prepare. As she washes me, I think on all that has transpired. Am I finally to be free of the hell that has been my life for the last several years? I know I should be afraid, terrified of the renowned General Acacius, but I’m not. Anything is better than here.

My brother has me sit in a chair off to the side of his own, the sound of swords clinking growing closer and closer. The heavy doors creak open and soldiers pour inside, nearly covering the space in a handful of steps. My brother holds up his white flag, a symbol of surrender and luckily, they stop, one of them yelling to get the General. Only a handful of moments pass before a man strides into the hall, broad shoulders barely contained in beautiful leather armor, the head of Medusa proudly displayed on its front. He is covered in blood and dirt and sweat, a sword still in his hand as he confidently strides up to my brother, who instantly bows.

“General Acacius. I humbly surrender to your forces.”

“So many people died for you to be sitting here on your chair. You could have stopped the bloodshed before it started and you did not.”

“I had to give it my best shot. Honor was at stake. You can understand that, yes?”

General Acacius considers this for a moment. “And let me guess- honor is what you think will keep me from slicing you in half with my blade?”

The smile on Cato’s face falters slightly. “Well, yes.” The blade shifts in the General’s hand and my brother puts his hands up. “That and-” he reaches over and grabs my arm, his fingers digging into my skin as he throws me at the General. I fall to the floor on my knees with the unexpected movement, my palms stinging with the impact. “-my sister! Take her, marry her, use her, whatever. She is yours.”

The General leans forward, extending his hand towards me. I look at it, the blood and dirt mixed together in some kind of horrible art on his palm, and I take it, allowing him to help me up. Once I’m standing, my eyes find his and I’m shocked to see concern.

“Are you alright, miss?” He asks, his eyes scanning my face.

I don’t break the gaze as I whisper. “Please take me with you. I will be faithful to you however you need me. Free me from this prison.”

He cocks his head ever so slightly, searching for something in me. Apparently he finds whatever he’s looking for as he looks over my shoulder back at Cato. “I will take her. But I should kill you here for the way you treat your people but especially for the way you treat your sister. Your own blood.”

“My people will recover and I’m sure you or your men will be thankful to have such a beauty after-” the General takes a step forward, his blade coming up. All I hear is slicing, a horrible gurgling, sputtering sound as a body thuds to the floor. I don’t move, not right away, using my breath to steady myself. I start to turn when the General grips my arms, preventing me from moving.

“You do not need to see this.”

“I think I do.”

“Miss-”

I drop my voice so only he can hear me. “My brother has put me through hell for years. I have no love for him. Let me have this closure. Please.”

He hesitates for a moment before nodding, dropping his hands from my arms. I take a breath and turn, my eyes immediately finding the crimson pool on the floor, the thin gash across Cato’s throat bright and angry against his skin. His are vacant, every trace of the evil life he lived, gone. I nod once and turn back to the General, who is still watching me. His soldiers file from the room, a loud silence falling over us.

“So…do I..do I follow you or?”

He holds his hand up. “I do not plan on holding you to that deal or whatever your brother tried to do.” He starts to turn but I gently grip his arm. He looks down at my hand briefly before looking at me.

“You saved me from this torture. I will be faithful and loyal to you.”

He puts his large hand over mine, taking it from his arm and holding it. “I have no doubt of that, miss. But you owe me nothing. Go live your life.”

“General Acacius, may I speak plainly?”

He nods. “Please.”

“I understand what you are trying to do. But please think: my brother has controlled this province ever since my father passed several years ago. He has placed more taxes and fees on these people than anyone before. And he just led half of them to slaughter with your arrival when he planned on surrendering. They are not happy with my house. They may like me but I don’t think that fondness will suffice when they are burying their husbands and sons for no reason.”

He thinks for several moments. “Perhaps you are right. I cannot in good conscience leave you here to die. I can escort you to our next province but know that it isn’t a place for a woman. War and battle are hard and bloody. I can protect you from my men but I cannot promise to protect you from those we fight against.”

“I understand. Wherever you need me, there I’ll be.”

“You are free to leave whenever you wish.” He turns, heading towards the doors.

“But what if I wish to stay? With you?” I follow behind him and slam into his chest when he abruptly stops and turns around. He looks down at me and my heartbeat races. Now I’m closer, I can see past the grime, see his greying hairs, the scar that runs down the side of his face, his eyes, dark and battle-hardened but also caring, a tinge of regret. They also darken with a look I’ve seen in many men’s faces as they chase the skirts of women. But then he blinks and it’s gone.

“We shall see.”

General Acacius accompanies me to my chambers and allows me to pack a few things. It’s lighter than I would normally travel with, considerably, but it’s not needed. And I can always get new things along the way. A few pallas (head scarfs) and tunics, some health and hygiene products and I’m ready, the General giving me a nod of approval at my small bag that I’d packed. His soldiers ransack the estate, including my room, taking anything of value to either sell or melt and turn into weapons. General Acacius ensured I had everything I wanted before he allowed it, a gesture I wasn’t expecting. As we head towards the front gates of my previous estate, he turns to me, speaking low so only I would hear.

“Stay close to me. Speak to no one. Pull that palla over your hair and stay quiet. Understood?”

I nod quickly as I do what he says, making sure it covers my hair. “Yes, sir.”

“Do you have a favorite horse?”

I blink. “Yes. In the stables.”

He allows me to lead us to the stables and I quickly locate my black barb horse, Caius. He is nervous, snuffing and chittering in his stable, but the moment he sees me, he calms.

“Hi, Caius. Are you ready to go on an adventure?” He presses his forehead to mine, a gesture we’ve done since he was a foal. I can feel the General’s eyes on me, watching as I lead Caius from the stables and ready him for travel. It only takes a few minutes and I’m grateful for learning how to do it rather than relying solely on stable hands. He has me lead Caius out with his reins rather than riding, no doubt to make me less of an easier target.

We head out of the main gate and I stifle a small gasp. I hear the sounds of wailing, mothers having lost sons, wives their husbands, children their fathers. The Roman soldiers are trying to calm the area, and they’re succeeding by sheer numbers, but the sounds of grief have no master. It’s then that I realize what the crimson tinge to the soil under my sandals is. I swallow hard, willing the tears not to fall. I don’t want to look weak. But these were my people, even if we were separated by title and money and my heart aches for them.

General Acacius sets a brisk pace, winding around the main square, no doubt trying to avoid any sort of riot or call for my head. I couldn’t blame them. Like I’d said to the General, they may like me, but my family is the reason they’re burying their boys and men needlessly. I can feel how nervous Caius is, but he trusts me fully and obediently follows me without issue. What seems like hours later, we make it out of the city. The General steers us towards a group of men guarding horses. They salute him as he walks up.

“General, sir!”

He nods and they drop their salute. “My horse.”

“Yes, sir.” One of the soldiers runs off and comes back moments later with a beautiful chestnut colored horse. He hands the reins to the General and salutes before going back to his post. The General turns to me.

“We will ride to camp. Stay close to me. Keep that palla over your hair, yes?”

“Yes, sir.”

He watches me for a moment, his hand coming up to rub his horse’s nose. “Ready?”

I swing myself up onto Caius in one fluid motion, one that I had been doing for the majority of my life and at least 10 years with Caius. His eyes linger on me as I settle in, adjusting my palla to cover my hair. Our eyes meet and he holds my gaze for just a brief moment before blinking and looking back towards his own horse, swinging himself onto the saddle. Despite my situation, I can't help but to think...

Damn he looks good on a horse.

We don’t ride far, maybe a quarter or so mile from my city. We break through a line in the trees and I gasp - an entire camp has been built, complete with walls, tents, cooks, all of it. The soldiers by the wall call out and the gates creak open, General Acacius riding through the opening, glancing back once to make sure I’m following. We wind through the camp to where the horses are kept. He hops down from his chestnut mount and offers me his hand to help me down from Caius. I hesitate a moment before linking my hand with his and slide off of my horse. General Acacius nods to a young man and hands him the reigns to his horse, motioning to me to do the same.

“I promise they will take good care of him.”

I give Caius a pat on his head and hand the reigns to the boy, who leads both horses off towards the makeshift stable area.

“Follow me,” The General commands and I comply, my sandals squishing in the mud as I go. We arrive at a grand tent, some soldiers stationed outside, one of which holds open a flap to allow General Acacius inside. He motions for me to follow and I do, feeling the tent flap close behind me. The tent is just as large as it appears. One side has a table with maps on it with little pins placed all over it. There are some traveling chests, which I assume house either weapons or other clothing or armor. On the other side of the tent is a room divider, behind which is a mattress and a small area for changing. A loud clank snaps me back to my reality and I see The General lay a sword on another table, this one set closer to his sleeping area. He removes his bracers as well, rubbing his wrists after he does so, glancing up at me.

“I will instruct my men to not touch you, but I would advise you stick to my tent.”

“I- yes. I understand, General.”

He barks out a name and I jump, the volume catching me off guard. A man enters the tent and salutes.

“Sir?”

“Fetch me some bath water for my…guest.”

“Yes, sir.” The tent flap closes behind the man as he goes off to bring the bath water.

There are a few moments of silence where he watches me, his eyes quickly glancing down my body and back up. “You can leave your belongings here.” He walks over to the divider and motions for me to follow. He points to a small crate in the corner. “You can set your bag here. I have some space in a chest for your things when we pack tomorrow.”

“Oh. Thank you, sir.”

He’s so close now, I could reach out and touch him. I want to, his greying curls and dark eyes heating me in ways I didn’t know possible. He blinks, shaking his head slightly.

“I will have them make you a sleeping mat, but you may not get it for a bit. You can take mine and I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Absolutely not.”

He cocks his head slightly to the side, curious at this woman who would say no to him. “Excuse me?”

I clear my throat. “I won’t have the general of Rome sleeping on the floor. I can do that.”

“But, you are my guest, and a woman. I can’t allow you to do that.”

“Well then, I guess we’ll just have to share.” The words come out of my mouth before I can think. He fights back a small smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth.

“You would share a bed with a man who is not your husband?”

“My husband has been dead for many years. And not just any man. The man who saved my life.”

He watches me still, his eyes softening but somehow dark. He reaches out, hesitating a moment before gripping my upper arm. “I am sorry for your loss….well, if you insist, I promise to be respectful until we can get you your own mat.”

I speak quietly. “When I get my own mat, then you’ll be disrespectful?” I don’t intend for him to hear, but sometimes my inner thoughts become outer ones. His eyes meet mine and he opens his mouth to speak, but then several men enter with a tub full of water and the moment passes, General Acacius holding my gaze for a moment longer before dismissing the men. He pulls over another room divider and places it in front of the bathtub, gesturing towards it. “This is for you. I’ll personally stand outside to make sure no one enters.”

I nod. “Thank you.”

I take my time bathing, knowing that it may be a moment before I’m able to again. The water is cool when I emerge, wrapping a blanket around me and wringing out my hair. I pull on a clean tunic and sit on the sleeping mat, grateful that I’d packed a brush. The General returns a few minutes later, poking his head around the corner.

“Oh. I assumed you would be asleep.”

“Almost. I won’t take up too much space.”

He waves his hand. “I am not worried.” He shuffles around, grabs some tunics from a chest, and disappears, reappearing later with wet hair that has started to curl, in a fresh tunic, sans armor. He gets on the mat beside me, trying his best with his broad frame to give me space.

“General Acacius, it’s ok. Take as much space as you need. Tell me if you need more. Whatever you want, I will give it.”

He shifts a bit longer. “You are fine. Breakfast will be brought to us in the morning. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, General.” I settle into my spot, trying to take up as little space as possible. It’s quiet, quieter than I thought a camp would be.

“Thank you,” I whisper to him in the dark. I know he doesn’t hear me, but I wanted to say it anyway.

“You’re welcome,” a whisper back. I smile, knowing that I at least made some sort of headway into us getting to know each other. I meant what I’d said before -I will be loyal and go wherever he wants me. Do whatever he needs me to do. I owe him my life.

It’s early when I wake, I can tell by the quietness of the camp. Slowly, I become aware of my immediate surroundings, remembering the events of the previous day. It’s then I feel something heavy draped across my waist. I crack an eye open and look down, seeing The General’s arm casually slung across me. His breaths puff out on my neck and I can tell he’s in a deep sleep. But then he shifts and..oh.

He’s hard and pressed against my ass, pushing against me slightly in his sleep to relieve some of the pressure. It’s been so long since I’ve had any interaction this way, let alone with someone I’m attracted to. I’m torn as to what to do. If I wake him, I don’t want him to be embarrassed. If he needs me in that way, I will happily consent. Beg for it, even. But I don’t want to be presumptuous either and take advantage of him, even if it’s just to feel his warm, protective presence. My body seems to make the decision for me, my hips grinding back on their own accord. A few seconds goes by before his hand moves and he grips my hip, his fingers digging into my skin.

“You need to stop moving.”

My cheeks heat instantly and I’m relieved he can’t see my face. “O-oh. I’m sorry if I was bothering you.”

“Not bothering me. I am trying to be respectful and you’re making it…difficult.”

“Who says you need to be respectful?”

His fingers dig in tighter and I inhale sharply, the sensation going straight between my legs. He presses himself closer to me, which heats me up more. He stays like that for several moments, his breaths fanning out over the side of my neck. But then he pulls away and sits up, my back feeling cold with his absence.

“No. I cannot ask that of you.”

I sit up too, turning to face him. “You would not be taking advantage. I meant what I said - I am yours in whatever way you need me. I will follow you wherever you want me.”

His eyes find mine, deep and dark, as he contemplates my words. He opens his mouth to speak but then the tent flap opens and a man calls out that breakfast is ready. The General’s mouth slams shut and his expression changes. “Place it on the table.” The man complies and the tent flap closes again.

He gently places his hand over mine. “Come. Let’s eat.”

The Roman troops are impressive.

That day, they pack up the entire camp and start the long trek towards our next destination, which is at least several days worth of traveling by land. And every night they build an entirely new camp that looks identical to the one they had outside of my city. It’s mind boggling.

Ever since our first night, The General tries harder to keep a respectful distance from me, not wanting me to feel pressured or obligated to do anything. He keeps me close though, always keeping an eye on me to make sure I’m safe. A week goes by and we’re in his tent, him pouring over maps and moving the little pieces and pins, me reading a book that he pulled from one of his chests. A soldier enters the tent with a tray of food and the General motions to his side table. The soldier leaves and I close my book, watching General Acacius for a few minutes, his brow furrowed in concentration as he stares at his board, a single curl falling forward onto his forehead. I quietly get up and cross the space to him, gently squeezing his arm.

“Hey. Come eat.”

He blinks and looks down at me, heaving a big sigh. “You’re right. I need a break.” He follows me back to the table and sits, starting to eat some of the cooked meat the men had brought in.

“Have you thought about what you want to do once we capture the next city?” He takes a bite out of the meat and watches me as he chews.

“Are you asking me to leave?”

He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. Damn I want to lick it. “War is no place for a lady.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

He studies me for a moment. “You may do what you want. I told you you are free.”

“And I told you that I will follow you.”

“It’s dangerous.”

“You saved my life.”

“You do not wish to get married?”

I shrug. “I was married before. But I am not objecting to marrying again. To the right person.”

He takes another bite of meat and thoroughly chews it before speaking. “What happened to him? Your husband. You mentioned his passing before.”

I’m honestly surprised he hadn’t asked before. We had started having little talks at meals, but it wasn’t about anything heavy.

“Remus was a kind man. He was the eldest son of the wealthiest merchant in our city. My father arranged our marriage to unite our houses. He was wealthy and had his own estate. We married and I moved in with him. I…suppose I loved him, in a content way. Like I said, Remus was kind, despite his hard exterior with his business dealings. He made sure I had everything I wanted. He had bought me Caius when he was just a foal. However, a few months after we were wed, he was called to the army. He left, proud to serve his people, despite his family begging him not to go. He never returned.” I take a sip from my mug, giving myself a moment to gather myself. “It was..hard, after he had passed. We had not really had a chance to have children. His family returned me to my family after a grieving period. I was allowed to keep Caius only because he had formed such a fierce attachment to me, along with some trinkets and clothes. Honestly, Remus would’ve been appalled at the way his family moved me from the estate. Anyway, I moved back in with my father and brother. A few years later, my father became ill and passed away, leaving me to my brother, Cato. He was abusive, verbally and physically. But I had nowhere to go. I dreamt every day that someone would come to take me away from him. But he always reminded me that no one would want someone who was used and old.” I shrug, taking another sip before meeting his eyes. “When I say you saved my life, I mean it. I am not simply in your debt. I want to be here.” He watches me for several moments, his jaw ticking as he fiddles with his mug. He sits up and leans forward, placing his large hand over mine.

“I am sorry you had to endure all of that tragedy.”

“Thank you, General.”

“Marcus. Call me Marcus.”

My stomach flutters. “Marcus. Thank you.”

We’re back in the saddle the next day, me on Caius and him on his beautiful chestnut horse, Augustus. He has been softer with me since I told him my story, chatting and making jokes. He’s still respectful, never wanting to push a boundary. One that he set himself, I might add. Another camp goes up, this one built a little differently. There are more wood cabins instead of tents and Marcus explains that we may be here more than a night or two. We eventually settle into our bed, another mattress somehow never appearing for me. Not that I’m reminding anyone.

“We ride out in the morning. I want you to stay in this cabin, do you understand?”

“Y-yeah. Yes. Of course.”

He turns to me on his side, his eyes on me in the dimly lit space as I roll to look at him. He speaks quietly, but firm and I think I can make out worry in his eyes.

“I will have Caius ready and waiting for you outside. If you hear any soldiers, you take him and you ride. You run, do you understand me?”

“Yes, but what about you?”

“Don’t worry about me. You get to safety. That is your priority. Do you understand?”

“Yes, but-”

In an unexpected move, he reaches out and cups my cheek, his eyes on mine. “Promise me you’ll be safe.”

I place my hand over his. “I promise.”

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