#charliebegins

[charliebegins]

mom.

23 April 2006 @ 03:42 pm

dear friend,  i just had a really long conversation over the phone with my mom. i talked for 45 minutes while she listened. i told her my identity is not dependent on her or the rest of my family, and that i am male and have been living as male for a year now (whether they recognize it or not).

i told her even if they do not accept that i am trans, i will still have surgery and live as male. she told me when i got my hair cut that i should consider other people when i act. i told her she is only upset because she is denying my male identity and still sees me as female, and if she saw me as her male child she would not have such a big problem with my haircut.

i told her the family is only "distressed" about my hairstyle because they think i am female with a shaved head and facial hair. she refuses tell them i am trans until i see the other therapist in atlanta to make sure it is 100% true.

that is so aggravating! i hate that she thinks my identity is invalid and wants some doctor to say that i am actually trans before she is ready to tell the family. she would never say it to me, but secretly i know she hopes this new psychologist decides that i am not actually trans. overall, the conversation went really well and i felt like she really did listen. she did say something weird, though. she randomly blurted out, "i don't know why you picked charlie and not chris" (my birth name was christina). i was so surprised. she has never said anything about the name i chose. i told her i did not pick the name chris because it is too close to my birth name and i already have a cousin named chris; she would not have named me the same thing her older sister named her son. she seemed to think them valid points, especially the latter.

i then asked her if she saw me as a "chris" and she said yes. she also said she liked chris better than charlie. i asked her if it was because she liked the name better, or if it was because it is closer to my birth name. she said it was both. hey, at least she was honest.

hearing that made me uneasy; it sent me into a realm of doubt about my name. i like charles, it is me. i have been going by it for a year now, and it was the first male name i picked. should i even be worried about it? she has never said anything about my name until now. gahh! 

i am going to go try to sort things out. i have a lot to process.

love always,  charlie

[charliewarhol]

12.12.12. marked my 6-year chestiversary. November 30th also marked 7 years on testosterone. It's hard to believe it has been this long, yet in a lot of ways, I feel like I've always been this way.

You can read my journal from my early transition here.

[charliebegins]

confused.

23 April 2006 @ 02:09 pm

dear friend,

i do not know what to do. i suddenly had a thought - my mom is making me see the therapist in atlanta for a "second opinion" (really, is there any doubt i am trans?) and i have to fly there alone sometime in may to see her. after i see her by myself, i might have to see her again with my parents. this could seriously put a halt on my transition. i am trying to schedule top surgery for late july or early august. i had to call mary and tell her i was not able to set a date at this time due to personal circumstances. i really dreaded making that call.

i got approved for the loan. it could have happened. i canceled because i want my parents to be on board with this - because i do not want to have surgery and then have them disown me. i want them to be comfortable with it, so i am waiting to see the therapist in atlanta before i schedule anything. i really want to have surgery as soon as i can. as uncomfortable as they are with the trans thing, i am equally (if not more so) uncomfortable with having a female chest. which is worse?

i am afraid surgery would kill my grandmother, or at least shock her into a heart attack or something. my situation is similar to tj's in transgeneration in that i come from a very ethnic family, and in the old country they are not accepting of this at all - my grandmother literally might have a heart attack. i could never forgive myself if that were to happen.

i have not been allowed to call or see her for about a month now, since my last haircut upset her so much. what would cutting off my boobs do? i mean, i am apprehensive to just do this because my family is nuts - if i was not allowed to come to a family holiday because of my haircut, what will happen when i have top surgery?! i was talking to my friend j., and he posed a really good question. he said something like, "well, are you NOT going to transition because of them?" i said, "hell no!".

i think my answer is right there. i have to do what makes me happy. i cannot help but still worry about losing my family, though. it is like a constant internal war i am fighting; lose my entire family, or get top surgery, move on with my life, and be happy? should i go ahead with the loan and talk to mary about scheduling me this summer, or should i wait to see the therapist in atlanta, talk things over with my family, and wait?

i am not sure when i could have surgery if i do not do it over the summer; brownstein is not working this december when i will be on winter break from school. so convenient!

i was hoping to graduate next spring, but i could delay that until next summer if i have to in order to have surgery. any advice? my head is all over the place. love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

relief, kind of. +SF photos

21 April 2006 @ 03:14 pm

dear friend, i had my last class of the semester this morning. i am so relieved to be out of school! congratulations to all of the new graduates out there. 

i am glad classes are over, but i still have a few papers to write before i am completely done. i should be doing my legislative issues paper this afternoon, but i am not in the right mindset to do it right now. i have to work in two hours and get off at 9:00, so i should have time to do it tonight. it is not like i have any other plans; i just need to relax for a little while and give my mind a break.

i have been more stressed in this past week than i have been in the past year. it is so odd; school never gets to me like it did this week. i need to do that legislative issues paper for one of my social welfare classes, a paper for my community class, and an extensive essay on on written on the body for my literary interpretations class.

i would rather sit around here until i have to go to work and read more of becoming a visible man than work on my paper (i am basically the world's greatest procrastinator). i have only finished a chapter so far because i have been so busy with finals, but i plan to sit down and do some serious reading once everything is out of the way next week. today s. gave me a shot of b12! it was our first home injection of any kind, and it went pretty well. we could not get the b12 into the syringe at first, so we went online and looked it up and found out how to do it. i finally got it into the syringe, but was totally paranoid about air bubbles, so i wasted half of the b12 trying to get air bubbles out - i was so annoyed with myself.

a-p came over to help because s. was a little shaky, so she pinched my skin while s. did the shot. she poked me twice before she actually got the needle into my arm, but this shot was a hundred times less painful than the shot the nurse gave me last week at the student health center. the third time s. poked me i said, "just do it!" so she put the needle the whole way and finally injected me with the b12.

she pulled back on the plunger first to make sure there was no blood and when she pulled the needle out, i started bleeding a quite bit and p. was like, "don't look!" i have never bled like that from an arm shot; only when given intravenous injections. it was a little scary but it didn't bleed that much and it stopped right away, though it did make me a little lightheaded.

despite her nerves, s. did great and i am really proud of her. i wouldn't have done as well if it were the other way around!

i am going to leave you with a few beautiful photos from our trip to san francisco. i love looking back at them - they put me in a better place. i cannot believe i was there just a month ago. oh, how i miss it already!

actually, now that i think about it, a month ago today we drove over the golden gate bridge for the first time. it was a really beautiful experience; i felt like a modern-day benjamin braddock (except we weren't driving a 1967 alfa spider mk1, of course).

i hope everyone has a great weekend. this is the last weekend i have to do any work for school, so i am going to try to be good about that and get it done so i can be FREE. 

i cannot wait for this summer - it is going to be so much better than the last! love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

san francisco, day one

19 April 2006 @ 06:12 pm

dear friend,

it has been a month since our san francisco trip, and i have not yet told you anything about it! i decided i would write about each day in a separate letter and include a picture or two; we took so many photos it is easier to divide it up this way.

i had to work the night before we left, which was also st. patrick's day. i got off of work and returned to the apartment where s, was cleaning and packing and hanging out with a-p. the three of us hung out and packed all night and got NO sleep - we were WAY too excited!

eventually j. came over to pick us up and we set out a little later than we planned around 5:20am. we dropped j.'s car off near UNF and she drove us to the airport in my jeep. we each had a backpack and three suitcases, one which was rather large. we got checked in just in time, waited in the security line for half an hour, and then had to run to catch our plane and just barely made it. phew! the flight to charlotte was uneventful and took a little over an hour; i slept the whole time. we arrived in charlotte and had about an hour to kill until our connection so we walked around the airport a bit and got a smoothie.

we got on the flight to SFO without any problems and settled in for the long flight. the itinerary said it would take 5 hours and 45 minutes, but the captain said it would only take about 5 hours and 15 minutes. it turned out to be right around there (5 hrs, 18 min to be exact, i timed it!).

the flight itself was uneventful; i slept for a bit, talked to s., and just sat. i did not read or listen to my iPod, which is unusual for me on a long flight. even though the flight was not that bad, we were exhausted by the time we landed; we had not slept at all the night before and we had to adjust to the three-hour time change.  we met f. and his little buddy c. at the airport, got our luggage, and then took BART to f.s house. i could not believe how beautiful everything was - the mountains, the water, the city - it all looked sun-kissed and majestic! it felt like the opposite of florida.

when we got to f.'s house, we put away our luggage and headed to the backyard to chill. we hung out back there for a little bit, enjoying the california sun, and then f. ordered pizza from mr. pizza man. it was delicious (especially after not eating all day)!

s. and i were exhausted from flying all day and not getting any sleep the night before, so we laid down to take a nap and ended up sleeping ALL night until the next morning at 7 or 8. i think i randomly woke up at midnight and hung out with f, for a little bit, but that could have been my sleepy-delirious imagination.

we missed fairy butch that night which i was really looking forward to, but i was so tired i do not think i would have been able to enjoy it had i gone. all in all, it was a great first day in san francisco!

i cannot wait to get out and explore the city more, i am really looking forward to going to the haight.

love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

so. much. stuff.

19 April 2006 @ 11:51 am

dear friend, 

last night i fell asleep around 10 or 11 with SO MUCH stuff to do for school. i was going to type a to do list in my journal because maybe then i would be motivated to actually do some of it - but alas, i fell asleep. story of my life! in a way it was good i finally got some sleep because i have been so stressed lately, and i really cannot afford to get sick right now.

i had three papers to write for one of my sociology classes and i had to e-mail the professor from that class and beg him to take my late assignments and half explain why have been also crappy at life lately. i finished two and sent them in an email to him. check, check.

now i have to work on the huge final paper for that class. i have no idea how i will get done by friday considering all of the other CRAP i have to do before then. i have a 1500 word rough draft for my written on the body paper due tonight at 6:00pm and the class does not get out until nearly 10:00pm.

i also have a legislative issues paper and presentation due tomorrow night for my social welfare class and in addition to that i am going to try to do the extra credit paper, which is also due tomorrow night. it shouldn't be that bad if i have time to get around to it. it is on the film "i am sam;" it actually might be a nice de-stresser to sit down and watch it.  i really wish i had not been in school for the first few months of t. i wish i had more time to process all of the physical and mental changes; especially, the cognitive/emotional ones. i was in school during the day every day, at night tuesday though thursday, and working every night i was not in school. i felt like i had no time to think!

i like to just sit around and think, work through things. i could spend an entire after noon processing, but i had no time to do that and i regret it. i kind of wish i had not taken that semester off during my sophomore year and saved it for now. oh well, i cannot change things, and i am not taking any classes this summer so i will have plenty of time to process everything.

tonight i am going to a poetry reading one of my former professors is giving down at flagler college in st. augustine. it should be a relaxing evening away from jacksonville, even if for only a few hours. some retail therapy might be in order as well. oh, yeah. i forgot to mention i spoke with the ATL therapist on the phone briefly yesterday. i left her a message, and to my surprise she called me back that afternoon. she seems nice and wants to see me alone before my family goes with me. hopefully, my mom will not want to go for the drive and s. and i can drive up alone. we will get to see my buddy chris and chill in the ATL for a few days, it will be relaxing and nice to get away from jacksonville for a couple days.

even though the therapist sounded really nice, i am anxious about my appointment with her and still have the worry hanging over my head that she will somehow come to the conclusion that i am not trans, but i keep telling myself that is ludicrous and there is nothing to worry about. i am just afraid my mom is going to try to shove all of these anti-trans memories down my throat during the session, thus "proving" my femininity; i never know what to expect from my mother.

i had better get started on those rough drafts for class.

love always,

charlie

[charliebegins]

one year

18 April 2006 @ 05:19 pm

dear friend,

i was going through my old letters, and i realized the first one i ever wrote you was a year ago yesterday. 

wow. it is amazing how far i have come in a year! in several aspects - my transition, the way i think about things, the goals i have; it is all different. for once, looking back at the last year i feel like i accomplished something good.

i think i am going to be ok. love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

easter

17 April 2006 @ 04:20 pm

dear friend,

my easter wasn't so bad. it started out oddly, though. the night before s. and i fell asleep really early and woke up around 4am with all of the lights on - and completely awake. usually this is not a problem because we usually are able to fall right back asleep, but that night we were unable to.

we sat up for a little while and after a bit decided to call a. amazingly, she answered on the second ring! she was sleeping and said she wouldn't come over, but we could come over to cuddle. we said we would be there in 30 minutes; she didn't believe us, but we went.

she had left a key under the mat, and as soon as we put it in the lock the dog starts freaking out and barking. her seventeen year old sister was sleeping on the couch because she was visiting for spring break. she must have thought we were nuts coming in at five am like that!

we went into a's room and got into bed. we were giggly for awhile, had a few good laughs, and amazingly, went back to sleep for a few hours. we woke up around 10 or 11, and sat around on the bed for a couple hours doing nothing but talking and interneting. by around one pm, s. and i decided we should get the food started, so we went back to our apartment and started cooking. s. made the chicken, and i made the mashed potatoes and stuffing. we cooked macaroni and cheese, but didn't eat it. my mom called while i was cooking and said they had already had their dinner or whatever. she said it did not last too long and i did not miss much. she sounded really sad -- sad for not letting me come.

soon after that a. and her sister came over and we all ate. we hung around the apartment for awhile and then i went into work around 5:40. it was super slow and i thought i would be out by 6:15, but since we were so slow they wanted to clean shit so i ended up staying until almost 8:00, when i was supposed to get out anyway.

i did some schoolwork when i got home from work and then s. and i went for a drive to get out of the apartment. we had a pleasant night drive and then came back and chilled for the rest of the night.

my easter was pretty uneventful and not as crappy as i thought it would be without my family. i was just a little lonely knowing they were all there together without me, and that the reason i could not go is because i am trans. still, we made the best of it and it turned out a good day. love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

coming out on facebook

15 April 2006 @ 11:10 am

dear friend,

i thought i would write you and tell you something amusing. i am on facebook, as is most everyone else in the world, but my name on there has been listed as "sodapop curtis" for the past year or so. i did not list a sex. i listed my high school and graduation year and got a few friend requests once in awhile from classmates that had either figured it out or had not and added me anyway.

once in awhile one of the really popular girls would message me and be like, "hey there sodapop, why don't you tell me your real name? i don't remember graduating with a sodapop." i think it is funny that they are flirty when they think i am male, yet if they knew i was the person they gave shit to for being a "lesbian," they would never talk like that. these are girls that would never talked to me in high school because i was a shy, awkward mess. i recently decided to change my name on facebook to charles thomy and listed my sex as male. i know this may not seem like that big of a deal, but it was a big step for me because it was virtually coming out to hundreds of classmates at once. these are (mosty) affluent people from an ultra-conservative, uber Catholic background and no one has given me shit for it like they did when it came out that i was a "lesbian" in high school. i cannot believe it!

honestly, (because i am a little instigator) i wanted one of my dumbass classmates to be like, "oh, what are you, a transsexual?" but no one has given me ANY shit; it is almost disappointing. i got a message from a girl that always used to ask me if i was a lesbian (i always swore i wasn't), and she acted like nothing had changed - hah! we chatted like i hadn't changed sex since the last time we spoke and caught up with what had been going on in our lives since we graduated. it feels awesome to be treated this way by people from my past and i am shocked but relieved (most) people are cool with it. as soon as i changed my name from "sodapop curtis" to my real name, i got another message from a girl i did theater with in middle school and girl's soccer with in high school. she messaged me and said, "oh, NOW i remember you! you look VERY different," and then went on to ask me about school and other random things. the "you look different" comment was all she said in relation to the trans thing. she didn't say anything about the name or GENDER change. i love that! instead of people from my past being totally weirded out by this (as i feared they would be), it turns out i am able to reconnect with them in a way i could not before.

people are not shocked at all. it is almost comical. it is like my ultra-conservative classmates can handle me being a guy much better than they could handle me being a lesbian - go figure! unexpected, but awesome.

oh yeah, another thing that made me smile. i realized my doctor who knows NOTHING about trans patients is actually getting my T covered by my insurance by billing it as ovarian dysfunction, general malaise/fatigue, and decreased libido. that is pretty cool he did not put anything trans-related down since it did not seem like he would actually know to do that since he still calls me "it" once in awhile. oh, the south. i have GOT to get off of this 75mg/three week cycle. it is slowing down my transition so much and that is an agonizing feeling. love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

atlanta, anyone? [the gender specialist]

13 April 2006 @ 05:37pm

dear friend,  i have talked to my mother a couple of times since the other day and things have smoothed over quite a bit. i still am not allowed to go to easter dinner with my family, but we have not brought it up since the fight.

s. and i might cook or go out, but it won't be the same not seeing my family on a holiday. the worse part is it is not distance or even my not wanting to see them - it is who i am and that hurts. in one of our recent conversations my mom brought up something i am unsure about. she wants me to see a gender therapist named dr. virginia erhardt in decatur, georgia, which is right outside of atlanta. atlanta is six hours away by car, and i don't feel like making the trip just to have to prove who i am to my parents.

my mom wants me to see this renowned therapist because she wants a "second opinion." she will not accept me being trans until she "hears it from another person." this really infuriated me to hear because i know who i am and that should be enough for her. i shouldn't have to prove myself to a gender therapist. i told her i had already been diagnosed by my doctor (a psychiatrist), but she still wants me to go to the gender specialist in the ATL because "she knows more than my doctor." i think this is utter bullshit.

i know i am trans and i do not like feeling like i have to defend this identity i have fought  so long for. what ever this doctor says will be the deciding factor on my parents' stance on my transition. i am worried she will tell them i am not really trans or something like that and then my relationship with my parents will be shot to hell. if this second opinion goes awry, i don't think there is any hope of salvaging our relationship. and that is a really heavy thing to try to process. though i always tend to be super anxious and get worked up and worry about things, what do i really have to worry about? i am 110% sure when it comes to my gender identity. i will tell this doctor i have been living as male for a year now, got my letter for testosterone in august, started T in november and have been on it for close to five months, and am currently planning top surgery for the summer.

what can she really say? can she really tell me i am not trans? my parents are just in DENIAL and crazy. i have nothing to be worried about, but i know it will eat at me until i actually meet and talk with the therapist. i just feel like this is part of my parents' plot to try to convince me i am not trans. i am afraid they are going to fire random bullshit at me as soon as we get there, and i will be left defenseless, as i was at that last appointment with dr. z. 

they have a tendency to bring up random things i have never heard of in therapy and it really knocks me off of my guard. i do not want to travel to atlanta alone with my parents just to have a really distressful, crappy, awkward few days.   

on the other hand, maybe this is just what my parents need to come around: to hear it from this woman whose practice specializes in gender identity and has been on 20/20. i think the whole 20/20 appearance was the whole selling point for my mom.

thinking back, i do recall my mom saying she "needed this." she also said she wishes it was not true. she said, "you are afraid she is going to tell you 'no', and i am afraid she's going to tell me 'yes'."   yes, yes, yes! love always,   charlie

[charliebegins]

a boy & his cat

12 April 2006 @ 04:22 pm

dear friend,

quaker and i shared a moment earlier.

i thought it should be documented. love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

dream (and top surgery)

12 April 2006 @ 11:25 am

dear friend,   

as i was sitting here at the computer, i recalled a dream i slightly remember having last night. i am not very big into interpreting dreams mostly because i rarely remember them, but i thought this one was interesting. all i remember is an image of me looking down and there being a binder there--a surgical binder. and it was like i could almost physically feel the pain after the surgery. i'm sure all this really boils down to is i have top surgery on the brain. or it is maybe a sign my loan will work out!

i talked to mary from dr. brownstein's office a few times yesterday (we played quite a bit of phone tag) and told her i would like to have my surgery done in early august because i want to have it out of the way before the fall semester starts at the end of august. she said he was pretty much booked all august, but might have some time open on the 14th. that would be cutting it a little close, but school can wait. she said she was trying to talk to the surgery center to see if they could get more time, and she'd call me back when she heard from them.   turn out there is more time available in july than she originally thought - on the 10th and 24th, and one more possible date in august - the 1st. the 1st would be ideal because it would be the day after my 22nd birthday, and that would be the best birthday present i could ever possibly receive.

it also would probably work best with school and in terms of finances. the 10th of july seems way too soon, but the 24th seems more do-able. we'll see; it all depends on the money at this point. i have been pre-approved for the loan; we are just waiting for s.'s approval as a co-signer; she needs to send some information in for them to be able to approve her.

once the money comes together, i will be able to set things in stone. surgery seems so soon! or maybe not. i am just going to not worry about it and go along for the ride. if i get top surgery this summer, awesome, if not? then i guess i will have to wait.

after all, life is about the journey - not the destination.

love always,    charlie   p.s.- those two books i ordered should be here today or within the next few days. i am so excited!

[charliebegins]

books

09 April 2006 @ 03:09 pm

dear friend,

i a reading a book called "written on the body" by jeanette winterson for my literary interpretations class and i am really enjoying it. the last two novels we read were absolute hell, so this one has been a breath of fresh air. i have not had a lot of time for pleasure reading lately with all of my classes and work, and since i don't think i will be taking any classes this summer, i am going to try and read as much as possible.

!

i was in kind of a funk yesterday, so i ordered "body alchemy" by loren cameron and "becoming a visible man" by jamison green to make me feel better. even though money has been a bit tight lately, i think those were good purchases. i cannot wait to receive them; i have only heard excellent things about both. when i get down in a "trans funk" it always helps me to read a book or watch a trans-related documentary so i don't feel so alone.

i would also like to read "the feminine mystique" this summer, and some of s.'s joyce carol oates books. and more of kerouac (dharma bums, visions of cody, visions of gerard) and some other beat generation books. i really want to pick up a copy of that book of allen ginsberg's essays, but i don't remember what it's called. i want to read a few other trans books, like "just add hormones" and "phallus palace." has anybody read any of these? does anybody have any suggestions?

my goal this summer is to become a bookworm. and to get top surgery. (!!!) i do not know if the latter will happen, but i can definitely manage the first. oh, did i mention s. and i applied for a $14,000 (private) loan? shiz love always, charlie

p.s. - for more transgender-related books (and film!), click here and here.

[charliebegins]

the sixties

08 April 2006 @ 02:32 pm

dear friend, i have been having a lot of random thoughts lately - bear with me. i really like the sixties. i like the culture, music, film, social movements, politics; the general sentiment and culture of the decade. i downloaded a bunch of sixties music from itunes the other night, and i started imagining what it would be like if i had lived in the sixties. i used to think about this and feel nostalgic, but i always had imagined myself (unquestionably) as biologically male.

i used to think about how much better it would have been if i lived back then, and that would occupy my thoughts a lot of the time; i was into sixties fashion, music, film, just general pop culture. it was a form of escapism before i started to find myself through transition. my mind has always been someplace else, more so before transition than now.  when i started transitioning, seeing myself as/becoming male occupied all of my thoughts; it is still like that. but my point is i have not reminisced for the sixties for awhile because i realized i was not imagining living in the sixties as me, a transman, but as a biological male.

that is not me. i read stone butch blues and realized it would have been very depressing and dangerous for me to have lived at that time as the person i am now. sure i can be happy about it and think about it like i am (biologically) male, but i am not. i think this will always be something i will struggle with. but just the other day i started reminiscing again, and it made me feel better. maybe that means i am getting a little happier - that my mind is subconsciously feeling more free. i am sorry, i know this does not make much sense. and it is random and off the wall. but if i don't share my stupid random thoughts i will forget i ever had them, and sometimes you just want to remember the stupid things instead of all the hard stuff. i am going back to reading "written on the body" for my lit class. i am really enjoying it. love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

that guy.

06 April 2006 @ 03:23 pm

dear friend,

i was going to write you later about testosterone or something and about how i have been feeling better this week after having a rough trans week last week, but i wanted to share a good moment that happened just now with you first. i will write to you later about the testosterone, though.

my friend a. just called and told me she was at the pride meeting last night, and someone asked if anybody there knew any transgender people. she said she didn't even think to raise her hand, because she doesn't think of me that way. she said someone else prodded her and said, "raise your hand! you do!" she thought it was funny that she did not even think to raise her hand. that made me feel good.

i want so badly just to be a normal guy; a normal guy that happens to be trans, that takes things as they come and is laid back about this whole process. that guy that gets his t shots, gets surgery in due time, and makes no big deal about it. all i can think about is being that guy, but lately i have realized i am that guy to other people. and i am starting to feel like that myself. it is a nice feeling. i feel like i am just beginning this journey down the road to maleness, but it seems many of my peers already perceive me this way. i know some of my friends think it is cool to have a transgender friend, and that's cool or whatever (it is cool!), but i don't think i am my friends' token trans friend.  i mean, we are pretty rare around here so i am sure it is fascinating to some people, but i do not like to feel like anyone's science experiment. i was worried i would be under constant scrutiny, but instead this process is happening much more organically than i ever thought possible. oh yeah, a couple friends commented on my voice today. i see them pretty regularly - in class twice a week, so it was nice for someone like that to finally notice. i feel like i do not hear the changes too much because i always hear myself talk and i sound the same in my head. or maybe the voice in my head has always been deep.

people i rarely talk to notice it the most, which is reassuring as well. i know i worry about my voice too much, but it SUCKS for four months and it really gets to me sometimes. i wish i was on a more regular shot cycle; i think it would drop much faster. i am not supposed to get my next shot until april 14th, and the last one was on march 24. the testosterone is definitely wearing thin. i was going to post a voice clip, but can't find the microphone. i need to shower and do my t.  love always, charlie

[charliebegins]

sorority formal (+ haircut)

26 March 2006 @ 01:11pm

dear friend, i am having a nice relaxing day today except for the people downstairs who insist on blasting their crappy dance music. s. is at work for another hour, and i have been reading livejournal all day trying to make up for the week i lost. i wrote to you right before leaving for formal last night because i was worried about a great deal of things - like not passing, my voice, and the whole legal-name-on-the-place-card-thing.

i ended up having a great time. i passed completely and did not get a single questioning look from any frat boys or sorority girls, which was nice. they were a much nicer crowd than i expected.

i was really nervous when we first arrived at the university center because they had to check us in to give us bracelets for drinking before we left for the hotel, so i was really nervous about my legal name coming up and the potential scene that might cause. i walked up to the counter with my date k. and she checked herself in and then said matter-of-factly, "this is my date." my heart was racing as i handed her my id, anticipating her reaction. the girl checked off my name and did not look at me twice. it was such a relief! a few other girls had to check us in again to get on the bus, and still, no questioning looks. i was surprised it all went as smoothly as it did!

this morning i got bored and decided to give myself another haircut. i went for a three all around again, but then decided to change things up a little and shave a two on the sides and keep a three down the middle like a landing strip a la travis bickle. it isn't that noticeable, so i might do a one on the sides later.

there is not much of a change, but i will show you a photo anyways.

i should probably do some reading for school instead of talking about the inane details of my grooming habits. love always, charlie