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alwaysmychoices · 1 year ago

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Screaming at a Reflection

Synopsis: After receiving the shocking news that Charlie intends to resign and leave Edenbrook, Ethan searches for a solution -- talking to everyone but the one person that matters.

Chapter 39 of the “with and without” series

Previous Series: “a weekend with dr. ramsey”

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 4.7k

Rating: Teen (language)

Also available on AO3 & Wattpad (link in Masterlist)

Ethan had been awake too long. The exhaustion showed on the creases of his face and the sharp edges of his voice. If desolate Ethan was a nightmare, then sleepless Ethan was something worse.

It had been two weeks.

Two weeks without Charlie in his bed.

And two weeks without a proper night’s sleep.

Not that it mattered, Ethan thought. Sleep was for the weak. Ethan didn’t need sleep as long as he still had his work and a consistent supply of caffeine. She wasn’t coming home, and he would survive. Whether or not he would thrive would was immaterial.

He was never going to “thrive” without her. Of all the ways this story could have ended, thriving was never one of the possibilities. All things considered, Ethan considered himself lucky. Exhaustion and empty nights were bearable; with time, he might even find peace.

But right now, there was no peace. No relief. No respite.

Everything was a fucking marathon, especially sleeping.

Her pillow stopped smelling like her shampoo, which was somehow worse than sleeping next to her memory.

Ethan had been awake when he received Naveen’s one A.M. email requesting a meeting, and he’d still been awake when he stumbled into Naveen’s office at six A.M.

Naveen heard rumors of Ethan’s state. By all accounts, he was a shell of himself – lacking all warmth and embracing all bitterness. Naveen hadn’t quite believed it, but now, he saw it was much worse than he’d imagined. Ethan looked horrible – tired, rumbled, and sharp around the edges. A shell of himself.

A steaming cup of coffee sat waiting for Ethan. Ethan flopped into the chair nearest the mug, and with a grunt in thanks, he grabbed the cup and gulped the steaming liquid – a shame for such a well-crafted cup of coffee.

Naveen reflexively gasped, “You look horrible.”

“Thanks,” Ethan mumbled.

“Did you go home?”

“Yes.”

“And shower?”

Ethan rolled his eyes, “Yes.”

“And sleep?”

Ethan remained silent, staring at his half-finished coffee and avoiding his friend’s gaze. Ethan was many disappointments, but he didn’t intend to become a liar.

Naveen frowned but gave no express disapproval. Another time, it might have been helpful to give his protégé tough love. He might have even forced a leave of absence if necessary. But the ghostly apparition of loss lingered around Ethan. It made him fragile and dangerous. The wrong breath could shatter him.

Comforting himself with his own cup of chai, Naveen pondered his friend's state. He hadn’t known Ethan was this bad. If he had, he would have waited to give this news.

“Did you call me in to say I look like shit? Because, if so, I will remind you that I am paid to give medical treatment, not smile in the hallway,” Ethan scoffed, but really, Ethan wouldn’t have been shocked. All week, Harper tried to do the same by planning lunches and dinners – all of which Ethan declined. Even Tobias had asked if Ethan wanted to talk, which was a particularly bad sign that Ethan wasn’t handling the grief as well as he thought.

“No one has ever accused you of being too friendly in the halls, Ethan.”

The dismissive sound coming from Ethan’s throat was a mix of a scoff and a grunt. Even his rebellion against authority felt tired.

“They have, however, accused you of being a dick this week.”

“And that’s new?”

“I’ve had three crying residents in my office this week.”

“I’m teaching them. That’s my job.”

“Is that what you call it?”

“I’ve been too easy on them this year,” Ethan frowned, “And my method has never bothered you before.”

“Before, your anger was about the medicine.”

“It’s still about the medicine.”

Naveen cast a dubious stare.

Another silence.

Another moment where Ethan and Naveen both quietly wondered if Ethan was faring even worse than he appeared.

“Are you alright, Ethan?”

“Yes.”

“Have you spoken to Charlie?”

Ethan bristled, and Naveen’s heart sank.

“She is the Diagnostics Team Fellow,” Ethan crossed his arms.

“She’s more than that,” Naveen offered tenderly.

Ethan frowned, “She’s my resident.”

Naveen tapped his fingertips on the desk, resisting the urge to push the issue. He knew who Charlie was to Ethan, even if neither had ever breathed a word of their “secret” liaison. Naveen had proudly watched as Charlie reshaped his friend into the better version of himself, and now, it was heartbreaking to watch Ethan revert to his worst traits and emotional self-harm. It was all so unnecessary and disappointing. Yet, Naveen hesitated to intervene.

Charlie and Ethan were the same, both on a path to self-destruction. One wrong move could be a fatal blow. Naveen had once been like the pair, and he’d seen firsthand the capacity of a human being to ruin their own life.

In the silence, Ethan grunted, “I’ll be nicer to the residents.”

Accepting the small victory, Naveen smiled.

“So, we’re done here then?” Ethan chugged the remainder of his coffee as he stood. He was eager to leave, though he had nowhere particular to go. The only thing that waited for him was his work and Jenner, the latter of which spent much of his day waiting at the door for Charlie to return. Ethan was beginning to think that Jenner would gladly abandon him for Charlie, which Ethan couldn’t blame him for.

“Unfortunately not,” Naveen frowned.

“Are you going to tell me I look exhausted again?”

“No,” Naveen shook his head, though his expression lacked the typical mirth such a sarcastic comment would usually garner, “It’s business, I’m afraid.”

“More intern complaints?” Ethan wondered if he really had been too difficult with his students. Was this an HR issue now?

“As head of the diagnostics team, you are entitled to notice when a team member announces their intention to leave,” Naveen began the well-practiced speech.

Ethan perked up with intrigue, “Oh? Did I finally drive Tobias away?”

“Dr. Carrick intends to stay.”

“Harper then?” Ethan frowned. Maybe that’s why she’d offered all those invitations – so she could share her desire to leave before giving her notice.

Naveen sighed. He’d hoped that Charlie would have told him.

“No,” Naveen’s voice was hardly a whisper, and it made Ethan’s heart stop.

Collecting himself, Naveen donned a professional yet grim expression as he shared, “Dr. Greene has requested a leave of absence from her residency and intends to resign from the Diagnostics Team.”

“What?!” Ethan’s outrage echoed off every surface in the office.

Ethan paced furiously, muttering, “We can’t let her do this,” over and over until it felt more like a mantra than a demand.

“I tried,” Naveen offered diplomatically.

“Tried? That’s not enough! We can’t let her throw away her entire career because of….” Ethan stumbled, only to regain steam to add, “You’re the chief of staff. Do something.”

“As I told you, I tried,” Naveen explained, “Charlie anticipated every challenge. She studied the policy, found an enriching activity for her sabbatical, named a qualified replacement for the team, and premised her request on the need for mental and physical recovery from her trauma last year. Even if we found a way to keep her from going, we’d never survive the public outrage from denying her request. It’s untenable, Ethan, and you know it.”

“We can’t let her destroy her career on a whim!”

“It’s her career, Ethan.”

Ethan’s head snapped back to Naveen, his words a ghost of a fight long gone with Charlie.

“But it’s a stupid choice,” Ethan snarled, “She’s done all this work just to race back to the startling line.”

“It isn’t our choice to make.”

“Like hell it isn’t,” Ethan asserted, “It’s our job to train her. You always said that training me was half medicine and half stopping me from fucking myself over.”

“That was stopping you from telling all the other attendings they were stupid—”

“They were,” Ethan interjected.

“This,” Naveen stressed, shooting Ethan a warning stare for the interruption, “This is Charlie’s life. You know she deserves the right to decide how she lives and how she works. You were allowed to make those choices, and you can’t stop her from doing the same.”

Ethan dropped Naveen’s gaze, feeling properly chastened by his mentor but nonetheless undeterred. Naveen was right, of course. Charlie was no less deserving of autonomy because Ethan disagreed with her, but Ethan caused her suffering. He had been her downfall, and he was uniquely responsible for mitigating the damage.

“So, I’m just supposed to let her throw away her hard work? What do you suggest I do?” Ethan sputtered.

“I suggest you talk to her,” Naveen answered.

Ethan didn’t meet Naveen’s calm energy. Ethan was angry. Furious, even. Anxious. Concerned. Terrified. And fucking heartbroken.

“I sure as hell will,” Ethan huffed, learning into the outrage because it was the easiest emotion to embrace. He scooped up his belongings and chucked his empty cup into the trash.

Just as Ethan was about to cross the threshold of the office door, Naveen called out, “And do so nicely!”

Ethan offered a noncommittal grunt in response. He moved through the halls like fire spread through kindling, causing passing residents to turn around and duck down corridors to avoid him. Not that any of them mattered today. Only Charlie and her reckless resignation mattered.

Ethan found Charlie easily.

She’d come in early to chart – something she’d started doing over the last two weeks to avoid spending time in the Diagnostics Team office. Had Ethan not looked so terrible, the hospital rumors may have centered on her – how the spark had faded from her eyes, the life leeched from her smile, and the interest everything else waned. She would be the prime target for idle gossip if anyone paid attention. But Ethan took up all that space, just like he took up everything else.

Despite all his respect and admiration for her sense of self and her work, Ethan didn’t leave much room in this hospital for her. Once a comfort, his grandiose now suffocated her.

She felt his presence before he said a word.

But he made it known nonetheless.

“What the fuck?” Ethan greeted abruptly.

They weren’t alone. A nurse at the end of her night shift was just down the hall, mulling on a chart, and an eager surgical intern was tucked in the corner, studying for her rounds. Both looked at the couple when they heard Ethan. The nurse, exhausted from her shift and disinterested in their drama, moved locations. The intern hesitated but ultimately left when Ethan shot her a deadly glare.

“Good morning, Ethan,” Charlie didn’t look up.

“Charlotte,” Ethan seethed.

“Ethan,” Charlie echoed flatly. She was the picture of disinterest, but Ethan didn’t believe her.

“You gave notice?” Ethan demanded, holding out hope that it was all a misunderstanding.

“I did.”

“Why the hell would you do that?”

“It’s been a difficult year,” Charlie began her well-practiced speech, “I think I came back to work too early after the attack and my illness. I need time to heal, and I received an excellent opportunity to contribute to medical research at Duke during my absence.”

Sure, Ethan thought. It would fool some people. Even if someone had doubts, they wouldn’t be brave enough to question a survivor about her trauma. But Ethan would.

“That’s not why.”

It wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t the truth.

Charlie sighed, finally looking up from her chart and meeting his haughty gaze. She looked exhausted – physically and emotionally. She was a ghost of the woman who first entered these doors, and Ethan knew it was his fault.

A bright young star came into his orbit, and he’d stolen all her shine.

“It’s part of the reason,” Charlie shrugged.

Ethan’s chest squeezed.

He didn’t like seeing her defeated. He didn’t like knowing he’d been the one to beat her.

“You’re making a mistake, Charlie,” Ethan’s voice softened – shifting from an irate command to a tender plea. He just wanted her to understand. To stay, even if she never warmed his bed again. To reclaim the place in the stars he’d stolen from her. It was as much a plea for her future as a desperate search for absolution.

It probably was a professional mistake. Charlie wasn’t too stubborn to admit that. Abandoning her current success and branding herself a victim was likely to carry a mark for the rest of her career in an unforgiving profession. The old Charlie would never have considered it. She would have endured anything just to stand in these halls, let alone be part of this team.

But the old Charlie was gone. That unbreakable tenacity and self-destructive ambition had been beaten out of her – either by her own mistakes, the harsh reality of her time at Edenbrook, or the act of falling in love. Charlie could stay at Edenbrook, but it would break her. And she was tired of merely surviving. She didn’t know how many grand reinventions she had left. How many times could she watch her life shatter and put it back together again? At what point was she the sum of the tragedy rather than being surrounded by its parts?

He should have begged last week, Charlie thought. Then, she was on the fence. Now, she was certain.

“I’m going, Ethan.”

“You can’t,” Ethan heard the panic in his voice before he felt it. And fuck, when he felt it, it was unbearable.

“Excuse me?” Charlie repeated incredulously.

“You can’t go.”

“Is that what Naveen said?” Charlie cocked an eyebrow, daring him to acknowledge that she’d cleverly evaded every loophole. She’d covered her tracks before she made her getaway.

“Don’t you understand what this will do to your career? You’ve worked your fucking ass off for this. You almost died for this,” Ethan evaded the question, taking himself back to their hardest moments – the nights when he’d sworn to do anything to protect her.

“No, I almost died because I loved my friends,” Charlie bit back, “I went in that room to save my friends.”

“You went in because you’re a doctor. And you’re a fucking good one.”

“Don’t use the death of my friends against me, Ethan,” Charlie warned, an edge creeping into her voice.

“I promised to make you the best doctor here. You made me promise you. I fucked up, but I’m not letting you fuck up, too.”

“You’re not?” Charlie’s eyes narrowed, “Well, good luck stopping me.”

Charlie slammed her chart shut, gathering her things and sweeping past him.

Even in her hasty exit, she instinctively paused beside him, expecting some small, tender display of affection that she’d come to expect from their proximity. But when Charlie realized what she was doing, she walked away faster.

Ethan watched her go with a frustrated grunt. He didn’t care if she hated him. He just needed to stop her from being punished for his sins, and he’d burn every bridge to do it.

His first stop was Kyra’s office. If she couldn’t do something in her administrative role, she could at least convince Charlie that she was making a ridiculous decision. But Kyra beat him to it. On the door were two sticky notes – the first addressed to her colleagues to explain her absence for the morning and the second addressed to Ethan. He flipped over the lime green sticky note to read the message.

I already tried. She’s going.

Ethan groaned, crumbling the note and depositing it in the nearby trash can on his way to his next potential ally.

Jackie was second. She took one look at Ethan barging through the halls toward the resident lounge, and she held up a hand, rebuffing him with, “Absolutely not. I’m not participating in this.”

Accordingly, Ethan left the lounge without a word. Jackie was sensible and willing to call anyone out on their bullshit, including Charlie, but her support was always a longshot. Jackie was fiercely loyal and unlikely to betray her friend by siding with the enemy.

Bryce was the third target, and out of them all, he was the most likely to join Ethan’s cause – if not because he genuinely believed Charlie was in the wrong but because he’d always considered himself a friend of Ethan, too. He was probably the only one who would be happy to play mediator between two quareling lovers.

Nonetheless, Charlie was Bryce’s best friend. Out of the two, Charlie would always be Bryce’s priority. Personally, Bryce questioned the decision, and he believed the whole debacle could be resolved if Charlie and Ethan had a genuine. But Bryce wouldn’t be the friend who abandoned Charlie in her time of need, even if he took no enjoyment in rebuffing Ethan.

“She’s making a mistake,” Ethan skipped the pleasantries, cornering the surgical resident in the locker rooms. Admittedly, it wasn’t the best time to talk. Bryce was fresh from the shower, half-dressed, and running late to a meeting with his attending, but ever the loyal friend, Bryce said nothing of the inconvenience.

“Maybe,” Bryce squirmed, tying too many knots on his scrub pants to avoid eye contact.

“She won’t listen to me,” Ethan pushed, hoping Bryce would offer before he had to ask.

“Hmm,” Bryce swept away invisible lent from his shirt.

“She would listen to you.”

Bryce gulped. He still hadn’t looked Ethan in the eyes, which was a bad omen.

“She’s really upset,” Bryce finally spoke, “She’s my best friend. I care about her. When she said she wanted to go, I shared my concerns, but ultimately, it’s her call…. And this could be good for her. She’s been through a lot.”

Ethan frowned. He’d expected rejection, but hearing about Charlie’s suffering took the wind from his sails. A reminder of the permanence of his harm.

“You should talk to her,” Bryce added as Ethan started to leave.

“I tried.”

Bryce tilted his head dubiously, “I mean really talk to her.”

Ethan frowned, but before he left, he murmured, “Thank you, Bryce.”

“If you need me, I’m here for you!” Bryce called out after him, ever the supportive friend.

Ethan said nothing. In the back of his mind, a voice said he should take the offer – any of the offers from his friends and family to lend support. But Ethan couldn’t. He didn’t feel worthy, and accepting support was a muscle made weak by lack of use. Talking about her leaving made it final in a way he wasn’t yet capable of enduring.

Harper wasn’t helpful either. She thought Ethan should be more understanding and supportive of Charlie’s trauma, and Harper believed that Charlie deserved her time away from work. She was so supportive that, at the end of the conversation, she pledged to help Charlie mitigate any ill consequences from her leave of absence. After Harper’s kind but ultimately unhelpful speech, Harper again asked if Ethan was okay and invited him for coffee. Implicit in her request was, What the fuck is wrong with you? Tell me what we’re all guessing. Let me help.

Ethan rejected both the implicit and explicit offers by politely but firmly asking for a raincheck they both knew would never come.

Tobias was slightly better. Overall, he supported Charlie’s decision, but as a ruthless ladder climber, he had a unique perspective on what could happen to her career when less understanding employers skimmed her record. He promised to speak to Charlie and renewed his offer to talk things out. Again, Ethan said no.

For the rest of the day, Ethan looked for a miracle – a policy preventing the move, a coworker to talk her out of it, an opportunity so good that Charlie couldn’t turn it down, or Naveen finding some solution during one of their many calls.

Ethan was losing hope by the time he ran into Sienna.

Of all the allies Ethan could have sought, he never intended to find Sienna. Their last conversation made it clear that Sienna recognized Ethan’s responsibility in this affair, but Sienna’s sole priority was protecting her friend. It didn’t matter if she personally doubted the propriety of their many escalations and immature miscommunication. All that mattered was that Charlie was okay, and Sienna saw through Ethan’s declarations and platitudes. He loved Charlie, but as he stood before her today, he wasn’t good for Charlie.

Truthfully, Ethan had avoided Sienna because she was the one person who saw what Ethan desperately tried to deny. Ethan’s mistakes had consequences, and those consequences included Charlie’s suffering. Sienna placed blame where it belonged – with Ethan.

Despite their best intentions, Ethan and Sienna found themselves alone together that afternoon, having been abandoned by all their unsuspecting coworkers. Once they realized their solitude, an uncomfortable silence followed, but neither left.

“I heard you’re on a crusade to stop Charlie from leaving,” Sienna was the first to speak.

“I don’t think she should go.”

“Why not?” That question was a test. It wasn’t enough that Ethan recognized that this was the wrong ending. It mattered why it was wrong and how he intended to stop it.

“She’s worked too hard to throw it away because of my mistakes,” he admitted, shocked by the vulnerability in his voice.

“She’s taking a leave of absence, not dropping out,” Sienna prodded. She wanted Ethan to be ready. She wanted him to be the knight in shining armor. She wanted Charlie to stay. But he had to earn it.

“She’ll give up all the privileges she’s worked so hard for. She’s brilliant, and you know what people will do when they see this. Edenbrook may understand, but we don’t know that the rest of the world will. She deserves to begin her career at the top, not knocked down because someone sensed weakness in a file they already wanted to throw away,” Ethan responded. It wasn’t his real answer. It was a version of the truth, only part of the story. Ethan wanted Charlie to stay because his world would stop moving if he left. She deserved to stay. She deserved more than running away from a disappointing man and losing her friends and career in the process. She earned her day in the sun, and selfishly, Ethan didn’t want to be the cloud blocking her glory. He wanted her with him, but if he couldn’t have that, he would settle for proximity so he could proudly admire her achievements.

But Ethan said none of that.

He didn’t know how.

“She has an amazing record. With or without a resume gap, she’ll do well.”

“But she deserves more than well. It was my job to prepare her for her career, and I know what she can do. This is my fault. I ruined everything. I am the mistake. She shouldn’t spend the rest of her career – or any of it – paying for me.” This was the closest he got to the truth, but it was only a glimpse.

Sienna paused. A long, thoughtful pause.

It was a good speech, but it wasn’t enough. Even if it had been, Ethan needed to prove that to Charlie, not Sienna.

“I told her to go,” Sienna confessed.

Ethan’s head shot up.

“I know that you love her, maybe even more than I do, so I think you know this version of Charlie isn’t our Charlie. She’s not happy. She’s exhausted, and frankly, she has every right to be. If she keeps pushing herself, she will break. And I don’t want that for any of us.”

Ethan knew Sienna was right. Still, he studied her words – looking for a weakness he could use to save the day. He never found one.

With a voice so small it was nearly unrecognizable, Ethan asked, “Is it me? Why she can’t be here, I mean. Is it me?”

Sienna averted her eyes, both to save herself from his grief and to swallow her shame in delivering the news. She nodded quietly.

A gasp of despair left his chest, leaving a longing ache in its place.

“She loves you,” Sienna explained, “You love her, too. I understand that’s why you’re doing this. I think she knows that, too. But this isn’t working for either of you. You’re talking to everyone but her, and she’s hiding behind everyone else to avoid you. Neither of you are going to change what you want or what you’re willing to compromise. I don’t know… maybe this time will be good for both of you. Maybe time will cool things down, or maybe you’ll be healed enough for…” it didn’t feel fair to raise his hopes for reconciliation, so she said, “Right now, something needs to change, and this seems like the only option. And even if it isn’t, it's Charlie’s choice, not ours.”

There was nothing left for Ethan to say, so he didn’t bother trying. He offered a quiet thank you and excused himself. Sienna didn’t say goodbye.

Ethan moved through the halls like a ghost, unsure if he was haunting himself or everyone he loved. Back in his office, Ethan was useless. All he could think about was Charlie and the gravity of his mistakes. He paced the room, increasingly frustrated with dwindling hope, mounting guilt, and inconsolable loss.

It could have been hours or minutes when Ethan fished out his phone and sent a desperate text to Charlie.

Ethan: Don’t go.

Nothing.

More of nothing.

Finally, the message turned to read.

Then three dots that she was typing.

Charlie: . . .

Then, the dots disappeared, and nothing followed.

Ethan stared at the screen, willing the dots to return. Begging the universe for something. Anything – a hate message, a vicious attack on his heart and soul, or a disinterested dismissal. But the universe – and Charlie – shunned Ethan in the face of his prayers.

When Ethan had nothing to hold onto anymore, the despair he’d been running from finally caught up to him. It gripped him firmly, swallowing every nerve ending and stray thought until all he could feel and think was his grief. A sob built in his chest, but he didn’t know if it ever came out.

This wasn’t right.

This wasn’t how things ended.

Ethan had played the villain in many stories, but he refused to live in Charlie’s memory as the arsonist burning their happy home. It was a betrayal to everything they’d shared and all the love he still felt. Charlie was the love of his life, and the thought of losing her was only made worse by the knowledge that his memory would haunt her.

He could be the mistake.

He could be the worst thing she’d ever done.

He could be the person she hated most in the world.

But he wouldn’t cost her this career.

He wouldn’t take that from her.

Because she was his other half. She was his mirror image. He knew what this meant to her. He knew who she could become and what he could achieve. Charlie deserved autonomy in her career and personal life, but someone had to stop her from making the worst mistake of her life. This was his atonement, not hers.

Despair shifted to anger and back again, circling him in nauseating indecision until the storm settled to resolve.

Convincing Charlie to stay was like screaming at his own reflection. At their core, they were stubborn to a fault. Self-destructive in their self-sacrifice and idealism. Emphatic in hiding their uncertainty in pride. Vulnerable in their greatest displays of strength.

Charlie would never listen to him, and frankly, Ethan wasn’t listening to her either.

A stand-off neither wanted yet neither could avoid.

When diplomatic ties severed, the only remaining path was mutual destruction. Escalation answered with escalation.

Ethan didn’t give himself time to think. He didn’t need to. The idea had rooted. It was this or nothing.

He stormed into Naveen’s office, ignoring the receptionist begging him to wait, and as soon as he crossed the threshold, he announced, “I solved it.”

“You talked to her?” hope rose in Naveen’s voice. Maybe peace was still an option.

“No,” Ethan didn’t acknowledge their fight in the hall. It would have been a lie to call that a real discussion.

But it didn’t matter. Because he’d fixed it.

“I know how to get her to stay.”

“How?” Naveen furrowed his brow.

“I leave first.”

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