#changeling julian bashir

[fonthoura]

The Real Thing

Summary: Garak is sure that Julian has been replaced by a changeling once again, and this time, he won't fall for it's cheap manipulation, but the changeling is too good, it almost looks like the real thing.

Rating: Mature - 7.765 word - ao3

Content Warnings in the tags.

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The phaser felt heavy in Garak's hands.

It was cold and metallic and the design of the federation weapons never did much for him, but his hands wrapped around it to a point where the scales in his hands ached with the pressure, still, it felt like lead spreading through his arm. He never thought of himself as someone who would tremble with a gun in hands, he, in fact, never had, in all his years he never even moved an inch, now, on the other hand, his muscles seemed to have endless spasms that almost hurt, unending tremors that wrecked his body, although he tried his best to hold it in, and ot for the first time he resented that pathetic sentiment that made his skilled hands tremble like a child's on their first murder, biting his tongue so he could still himself to aim more accurately, keeping, or trying his harder to keeo, the feelings he might have under control so it wouldn't get in the way of harming the creature.

The creature...

It still had his back to him, blissfully unaware of the phaser pointed at it, still distracted by it's favorite tea - Julian's favorite tea - sipping calmly as if nothing happened, not even noticing the mistake it made, the game it had lost so freely, the fact that it was in a position so vulnerable, and Garak wasn't known to oppose shooting the disarmed enemy on the back. It would be easy, quick, to the point of being anti climatic even, the thing would be dead before it even noticed it was is danger, and Garak's finger twitched towards the trigger of the phaser, the changeling sat on the couch of his quarters none the wiser.

If only he was certain.

He could end with it quietly, but he needed to be sure, and blind certainty was a luxury of foolish people, and, despite the last couple of examples, he considered himself a smart man, intelligent, clever, thus, prone to doubt even his convictions, so he relaxed his finger a little, resolute in finding proof of what he feared, there was too much to lose if he fired and, later on, discovered he was wrong, and that loss would be a fresh wound, dire and horrible, akin to his exile, so, Garak took a tentative step to the side, bordering on being beside the changeling, not behind it, seeing the face it took in profile, the shapes of Julian's face, how the lips rested on the mug, sipping lazily at the tea, a clear trick Odo had already showed him how it was done, and the eyes of the changeling stayed on the wall, as if in deep thought, it's fingers drumming on the table occasionally, as if it was nervous about something.

Well, it should be, it should be trembling just as much as he was, it should feel deep inside that death was approaching and the face it wore - that face - wouldn't protect it from what was sure to come. Garak swallowed around the lump in his throat he was trying desperately to ignore, finally speaking, letting himself be heard again by the changeling.

"What did you just said?" He hated how his voice sounded, so small for him, breaking at the end of the question and breathless even though he spent the last few minutes almost entirely immobile. But one thing was welcome and it was how angry de sounded underneath it all.

The thing wearing the doctor's face finally turned to him, it's body taking some time to react, first with it's eyes settling on Garak's face, then traveling down to the phaser in his hand, that's when it's body reacted, on it's feet in a second, mug placed quickly on the table, not a single drop fell down, it's movements seemed fluid, fast, practiced, with an air of superiority around it, and Garak couldn't deny that it's impersonation of the doctor's mannerisms were much better this time around - but not perfect to fool Garak, not again, and he couldn't deny that it was unsettling, really, how it raised it's hands calmly, eyes down at the ground, and it almost looked sad, disappointed, like someone had stomped down it's last bit of hope. Garak nopticed for a brief second that it almost looked like Julian did when he got hurt.

"Garak." It started, voice even, still as metal, but gentle, as if speaking to a wounded predator. "Put down the phaser." It's eyes lifted to his, and Garak knew it couldn't be him, his eyes were more full of stars than the great beyond outside the station, this thing had it all wrong, the eyes looked dull, and as soon as it lifted, it was back in the ground. "Please, put it down." it finally pleaded. The changeling wearing Julian like an ill fitting jacket talked softly, and the voice broke all throughout the sentence, Garak had to squeeze his phaser tight and bite down at his tongue again to get his heart to stop that ache of seeing him and knowing it was a mirage, and a very realistic one at that.

"Tell me." Garak demanded, and pretended it didn't sound like a plea. "What in the hells did you just said to me?"

A moment of silence, they both imobile, then, a sigh of resignation, a roll of the eyes, a small laugh that sounded so hollow it could swallow an entire quadrant whole, and finally, an answer, it's hands held up at the sides of it's head in a sign of defeat and a voice just as defeated, devoid of everything, and if that were truly Julian, Garak probably would have died at the sound.

"I said..." It tried, eyes refusing to meet his and body bent in on itself as to convey discomfort, finally it raised it's head to look at a point in the wall just behind Garak's head. "I said I love you."

The ache Garak felt seeing the perfect act of hurt and resignation on the changeling's face was drowned by white hot anger yet again, his jaw was sending pain to his whole head and his back straightened even more, ready to attack, and the creature in front of him seemed to recoil before squaring up it's shoulders, it looked mortified and sorrowful, and the only thing Garak could think now was "good". He moved the phaser slightly to the right, shooting at the wall behind the changeling, it was all he could do to not kill it before further questioning, and now that he was certain it was indeed a changeling, there would have to be a questioning, if only to know where the real Doctor Bashir was.

Strangely, the thing didn't flinch. It barely moved really, it's hands lowered and it crossed it's arms above the chest, it's stance changing completely as it stood tall, lifting it's chin to look down at Garak, just like Julian always did in situations of fear or to prove he was not one to bend over to authority, the defiant stare in it's eyes just like his, the mouth in a thin line just like his, the youthful arrogance just like his, steady, collected, fierce, perfect, Garak felt sick.

"I said I love you." It repeated, now more assertive, chin up and eyes down, the wall behind it simmering and it didn't seemed bothered, taking a step towards Garak, only for Garak to prepare the gun again, and still, it was unmoved. "I love you, what are you going to do about it, Garak, huh?" It laughed a little, eyes shimmering. "Kill me?" It's voice was now accusatory. "That's rather much, don't you think?"

It spoke fast, but it still wavered, as if feigning that bravado, layer upon layer of lie, just like Julian too, although Julian always hid his lies in a false full honesty, and Garak doubted that anyone else truly noticed how proficient he was at lying and keeping secrets, but Garak did, and the creature emulated that posture all too well. Garak felt yet again that insistent dull pain on his chest, staring at it, the thing that stole the face he treasured so much, the thing that probably killed Julian, if he was to be honest with himself about the probabilities, the brown, luminous skin, the huge hazel eyes, each line and strand of hair perfect, acting more like him than the first time, but still so far off that Garak couldn't help the wet laugh that left him, loud, and this time, the thing did flinch, if only almost imperceptible to the untrained eye.

"Do you all really think of me as such a stupid creature? Because, surely, that had to be better tactics than this one." He said, now smiling so wide it hurt the corners of his mouth, but his eyes were lost on the changeling's face. "I thought you people to be smarter than this, but, oh well, one can never be certain until confronted directly." He didn't miss it when the face of the thing in front of him molded itself in pure and utter confusion about his words, and it was again a damn good Julian, the brows, the question on the eyes, the worrying of the lip. Garak wanted to kill it just for daring to be so good.

"If you excuse me." it said, perfectly civil and polite before taking another tiny step towards him. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Oh, please." Garak barked a laugh, this time, approaching too, finger on the trigger. "Don't play dumb, it doesn't look good on Doctor Bashir's face and it seriously aggravates me."

More confusion, it unfolded it's arms and stared as if the translators suddenly stopped working, a brief realization falling on it's eyes and Garak thought that, finally, it would talk to him on it's standard humanoid form, not through that face, not using that voice that seemed to cut deeper each time, not with those lips that were made to be so honest and deceitful at the same time that Garak couldn't help hanging on to each and every word, not with Julian's body, not again, please, anything but that again, but instead, it only clawed on an already bleeding cut, raising it's hands as if trying to calm down a wild animal, taking another step forward, eyes scanning Garak's face in search of something, anything, and if that was truly Julian, Garak would have thought he was trying to solve a puzzle, but the reality was darker and twice as grim, yet, it's voice sounded way softer now, in a faux sense of tranquility.

"Elim, listen to me -"

"You do not have the permission to call me by my first name." Garak fired back immediately, all but shouting, and the changeling flinched again, tugging Garak's mind in yet another emotion, his head already hurting by the constant push and pull between anger and heartbreak, but he stood still, eyes cold in the creature's stolen face as he lowered his voice a little, trying desperately to stop it from breaking. "You do not have the right, especially while using his face." he lowered his gaze briefly, sighing. "Not again."

The changeling was silent for a moment, it's eyes searching around the room before it landed on Garak, the pain in there subsiding as understanding seemed to settle in, it's posture changing to a more tight one, and, for the first time, it looked really afraid, but not for itself, it seemed, and Garak felt confused by the notion, as if it cared more about something else, someone else, as if it was worried, and Garak had the strangest inkling by looking at those eyes that it seemed worried about him.

"Garak," it tried again, almost pleading, but Garak only stepped closer and pushed the gun forward as a warning, it backed away half a step, but it's eyes never moved. "it's me, I'm Julian, the changeling is dead." It said, voice smooth, hands on it's front as if to protect it's body, but a face so concerned that it almost made Garak feel like exposed flesh. "You're safe, it's just us, I'm here, it's fine."

Garak stared at it - at him - and his insides seemed to burn in inhospitable and sterile cold, like his blood was ice inside him, and he looked at those starless eyes, the tilt in it's - his - head, and the realization that he could be hurting Julian was stones on his hands and feet that were determined to drown him, so, he lowered the gun slightly, taken by Julian's face, and he saw the smile, that smile that lit the fire on his bones, and the phaser was lower, his body felt heavy, ready to tumble down at the first wind.

"I'm here... I'm not going anywhere never again." Julian, no, it said, and Garak froze again.

His eyes shot up again, firm, the gun back in place and his body forced to stand still, the changeling dropped the fake smile and backed away, lowering it's hands and looking even more falsely concerned at Garak, meanwhile the "I love you" and the "I'm not going anywhere" replayed on his head until it was engraved on the inside of his skull. He felt a bitter taste in his mouth, like poison, stepping closer yet again with a scream that slashed it's way through his throat and came out as a laugh, bitter and hostile.

"You almost got me again." He said, the changeling made no move. "I think you might have unlocked and exposed a weakness I will certainly have to attend to in the near future." Garak contemplated, taking a step closer, now a mere two steps away from the thing. "But I'm not yet so lost as to fall for it twice." He took a pause, the room eerily silent. "Did you really think this would work? The same technique, the same words, all of it." He continued, out of pure curiosity, out of pure anger even, for the body thieves that plagued his every waking moment for some days now, and for himself, for his foolishness to be so trusting in that face. "Did you think it was that easy? Well, that's proof enough that you are not him." he smiled, his eyes watering. "Doctor Bashir wouldn't underestimate me like that."

His chest felt empty, and the thing in front of him looked empty too, mirroring his emotions in it's eyes, like it felt for him, like it ached just as much, like it grieved just as ardently.

"What has it done to you?" The changeling asked, and it's voice sounded thick, as if holding back tears, shaking it's head just like Julian did, it's eyes so full of worry, and Garak chuckled again, and he would clap at such performance if he wasn't pointing a phaser to it's head.

"Please, let's stop the dancing, my feet hurt and I don't really like my partner." He said quietly, posing it as a threat. "You tried, you failed, it's not like you could use the same love confession, the same empty promise and what more?" His voice went up with each word, resolving on the edge of shouting. "Would you have kissed me like the other one and hoped that it blinds me to every sign that you are not the real him again?"

The room was silent after that, the shout leaving Garak's ears ringing and his mind hollow, like saying it out loud took what was left of his strength away, but he stood still, shaking more than ever, trembling with anger, and he finally saw that anger in front of him too. The changeling had it's jaw clenched, the veins in it's neck popping up, it's eyes were dead like a nuclear winter and it was vibrating with barely contained ire. Garak was pleased for a second, at last, it's façade was dropping, but his insides twisted as saw it wasn't even looking at him anymore, it was looking at nothing, unseeing, Garak couldn't help the unconfortable chill on his spine.

"I can only be blinded by wishful thinking once, and you used that card already." Garak smiled, searching for the thing's eyes but it never seemed to focus. "I was specially insipid the first time around, and the strange behaviours were all there for me to notice, and simply didn't, but now, now I know better, and a few pretty words and kisses won't fool me just as easily."

The changeling finally looked at him, the simple smile still played on Garak's lips, but his eyes burned, the weigh of the words, the confession of the betrayal, the hopelessness in the truth made his throat feel impossibly tight and his bones exceptionally fragile, but the thing looked at him and it looked just as miserable, only it looked like it was burning alive with the way it emanated the rage inside it.

"If it was still alive, I would kill it." The changeling said, and Garak stopped on his tracks, the protectiveness wasn't a side so often seen in Julian, so it's ability to do it perfectly astounded him. The simple threat yet a true one, the face, the stance, the anger, everything perfectly in place, and Garak only felt emptier, angrier.

"Drop it!" He warned, the changeling swallowed. "Stop playing him."

"Garak-" it tried.

"No." He was resolute, the thing still looked distressed, the wrath being put aside to deal with the issue at hand, but Garak only stared at it for a while, thinking, analysing. The ire building as he settled into the conclusion that if it could act the part so well, than it must've meant it learned all it could from the source, and if the source dried, than it was disposable.

Garak knew all too well about it, torturing until a person was dry and then throwing them away to live as a husk or killing them to spare them from the pain of the aftermath, like they were no more than waste, and if he was right, Julian was long gone, dead, as dead as the eyes that stared back at him, but he needed to be sure, to know.

"Where is he?" He whispered, still lost in thought, the thing looked a bit lost, so he repeated, venom dripping from the words. "Where is Julian?"

The changeling breathed in, suppressing something so deeply that it looked like it lost a bit of itself, straightening it's back and staring Garak directly in the eyes, unwavering, there was a surgical stillness about it that Garak knew, and he had to do his very best not to close his eyes to it.

"Garak, you listen to me and you listen closely." It said, the words perfectly articulated, like it thought carefully about it, as if there was heavy meaning in it. "I am Julian Bashir, chief medical officer, your friend, your... More, even." It never broke the eye contact, and Garak listened, only to turn his head at the last sentence, chuckling to pretend it didn't cut right through him, staring at it again, it's eyes so hopeful, so expectant, Garak felt the need to relent to it, but, then again, that was the power of Julian's face to him.

"And you listen closely too." He adjusted his posture, lifting his chin in a faux smug manner, smiling in a way so blatantly insincere that it looked like a threat. "Drop the act and tell me where he is, or this phaser will be the least of your problems."

The thing moved suddenly, and Garak was careful no to be surprised by it, but it only spun around, eyes glassy staring at the ceiling as it seemed to lose it's patience, laughing bitterly at the roof and looking back at Garak, it's eyes wet, unfocused, like they were made with watercolour, and Garak felt that pang of guilt, not for the first time, eating away at him each time the fake looked like the real thing.

"He's here, Garak, I'm him." It sounded defeated again, but now it was entirely different, slack, hopeless, dark, not sorrowful and melancholic like before. "If only you could see me, Elim." the tears on it's eyes were almost overflowing, it's voice losing it's sound, yet, it continued. "Please, please... I lo-" it cutted itself off, shaking it's head, only to finish a few moments later. "Please, love, see me."

The ground felt like sand, devouring Garak, like the universe could just blip him out of existence, to stare at eyes so despaired, to listen to the begging, he felt the walls closing in on him, crushing him into nothing, and it was harder and harder to think of it as something other than Julian, and so he was tempted to live in the fantasy, where his Julian was alive and loved him, where all could be well for a little while, but he couldn't breathe and the thing was going to win, and he couldn't let it.

"Did you take his place when, if I may ask?" Garak asked slowly, watching it as it only curled up on itself, miserable and lost, and Garak had to ignore it. "On the transport to the ship? On some night in 371?" Garak stopped, noticing, thinking, connecting the dots of the plot of his paranoia, the next words coming out with the strings of resentment, the cracking of the voice coming in as he spoke with realization. "He wasn't even on the camp, was he? It was always... You." He barely ended the sentence, and it all happened fast.

As soon as he said it, the thing closed the gap between them, body sure but shaking, it's face betraying the loss it appeared to feel, it put the hand above the gun, and as Garak was going to push away from the clear attempt the creature was doing to rob him of his weapon, it actually placed the phaser on it's head, pressed strongly against the middle of it's forehead, closing it's other hand into a fist to clearly stop it from shaking, and Garak couldn't even react, staring at it in astonishment, baffled by the action, silent, and the thing finally spoke.

"Then shoot me." it said through gritted teeth, but Garak heard no actual fury, only an empty attempt of a last resort. "If you're so certain I'm not him." It never closed it's eyes, it didn't blink, it never tore it's eyes away, and Garak was horrified to notice he was paralysed by it. "If you are sure, shoot me, don't prolong this any further."

Garak felt something inside him stir, that guilt he was pushing down, the feeling of being possibly wrong, because offering his own death to prove a point was such an idiotic move that only his Julian would make, and Garak wanted to die, for a second, looking into those eyes and trying to see something other than Julian, because if this was truly him, then it meant Garak had done the thing he knew himself incapable of surviving: He would have permanently ripped Julian Bashir out of his life, because there would be no chance of him wanting to see Garak after that. But it couldn't be Julian, not after the confession Garak knew to be a lie, and even though Garak knew Julian to be a liar, he never struck Garak as quite this cruel.

"Go ahead, Garak, shoot me!" The changeling demanded, it's voice rising. "Why don't you just put an end to it? So you can finally have an answer, pull the trigger, kill me, it's that simple." Garak tried to move the gun but the changeling - Julian? No. - held it in place with enormous strength, another thing Julian lied about, how strong he was, and Garak never understood why, but the changeling was using it against him, and, although he was the one holding the gun, he had the strangest feeling of being threatened. "Elim, if you have no doubt." it said slowly again, it's eyes fixed but the tears in them finally ran free on it's cheek, and Garak closed his eyes, not daring to stare any further. "Shoot..." it said as if speaking to a child. "Me."

"Where is Julian?" Garak felt his breath hitch on his throat as if a sob was threatening to spill out, but he opened his eyes, trying his best to pretend he only didn't shoot because of lingering quastions, not tearful hazel eyes. "Where's..." his throat closed, he couldn't speak, the thing still held the gun to it's head and Garak feared that it would suddenly pull the trigger against itself.

"I'm here, Elim." he said - it said, by god, someone said - and Garak felt his eyes burn again. "I'm him, and if you can't see me, you can shoot me, but I am him." It finally gave way, Garak tore the gun away from it, watching as it stayed just as close, only now with it's arms crossed.

Garak still couldn't speak, the image in front of him doubling as two people, a possible threat and the last good thing about the universe. Julian, changeling, or whatever it was, placed a hand on Garak's, holding the hand that was holding the gun, but never trying to take it away, never protecting itself. Garak had the sudden chilling realization that it could easily overpower him if it really wanted to.

"I'm here, and I won't hurt you, I am not just trying to manipulate you, I am trying to make you understand." Julian said, voice soft, almost professional, the voice he used when talking down a patient. "I know it betrayed you using my face now, and I would hunt it down if I could, for stealing those moments from me, and..." He stalled, Garak couldn't open his eyes, he baraly realized he had closed them again. "For stealing such intimacy from you."

Garak was shaking, it was obvious that Julian could feel it too, but he didn't back away, he came closer, head gently pressed against the phaser again, but with no force, Garak only knew by the pressure he felt. The moment was almost tender, almost romantically them. Garak had nothing else to give, and he remembered with a detached uneasiness how he trembled and could barely speak the first time that, what he thought was Julian, kissed him, and how it would shut him up by doing so again and again, and how he longed for the intimacy, how it maintained itself away, saying sweet nothings and kissing him when it needed, never daring to do more. Garak was frustrated then and deeply relieved now, still, it was strange how he never stopped trembling ever since. Specially after seeing Julian, or again, what he thought was him, in that camp. Strangely, too, pointing a gun at Julian - changeling - and having his forehead gently resting upon it felt more intimate than any kiss ever could.

"I love you." It said, Garak flinched, it noticed. "I'm sorry if it hurts hearing it after that thing lied to you, I am, but it's true, and I won't stop reminding you that I love you until you have all the certainty in the world that it's true." Garak opened his eyes, the tear tracks in the changeling's stolen face were like open wounds, and Garak wanted to tear himself apart, but found his voice to say.

"Julian wouldn't..." it was simple, but true to the deepest beliefs in Garak's chest, the weakness too exposed to be denied, and somewhere, wherever he was, Tain was laughing at him, to be so reduced to nothing, to be so inefficient to the point of being manipulated and bent into a shaking mess by something that wore a face he dared to curse by loving. "Stop..." he finished, but it was reticent and had no strength.

The thing looked at him, and he saw a myriad of emotions, jumping from pure despair to bone shattering sadness, from deep worry to anger and finally to something surprisingly unreadable, a thing only Julian had the capacity to do, and apparently it had solon it too. If Garak had half a mind, he would have been at least cautious, at most scared, but he was only confused by the expression, the firmness on it gave way to a feeling of anxiety in Garak as he tried to antecipate the next move, but he was tired, and the thing was so like Julian, he was blindsided once again. It all started calmly, as he first heard the noise of it touching the combadge and the thing speaking quickly.

"Doctor Bashir to infirmary, prepare all the equipment for a blood transfusion, no need to hurry, it's not an emergency." It was out before anyone could respond, and Garak would have been confused if he had the time. Because then came everything else, and Garak had only time enough to gasp.

The thing placed it's hand on top of the phaser, lowering the gun to the ground in a quick and skilled move, using force to stop Garak from lifting it again, and just as quickly it snaked it's other hand on Garak's waist, plucking out the dagger he hid on his tunic, a dagger only Julian knew about, only him ever saw, him and the changeling Garak thought was him, and suddenly, it let go of Garak's hand and backed away a step, staring into Garak's eyes, knife in hand and a stare twice as sharp.

He knew Julian's reflexes better than anyone else, he was convinced he was the only one who saw it even, the way he seemed to lack the normal amount of human clumsiness, he never ran into things, never tripped, never swayed, the way that when he got hit on a fight it felt faked. Garak even saw him catching a hypospray mid air as it fell without even looking at it, proceeding to check around to see if anyone had seen him. Garak knew that to be a true Julian fact, but not like this, no, this was something else, each movement was calculated and precise that Garak couldn't even think, much less act, and Julian was good, but Garak was sure he wasn't that good.

It wasn't him - after all this doubt, it wasn't him.

Garak felt all his paranoia being validated, the thing was armed and had a stance that would draw blood at any moment, the message to the infirmary was odd, but he didn't know the thing's plan, he couldn't guess, and the certainty of it not being him crashed onto him, drowning him, killing what was left, so he raised the gun, finally resolute to kill the offending stolen flesh, finger on the trigger, eyes on the target, right until it said.

"I'm really sorry about your carpet, Garak." It smiled cheekily, boyish even, contrasting with the heaviness on it's eyes, and Garak had barely the time to register it, to feel confused, because soon enough he was torn in half.

With the knife in hands, eyes on Garak, the thing stabbed itself in the stomach.

The station felt quiet, it's gentle movement underneath Garak's feet seemed to have stopped, the universe dare not make a sound, all Garak could hear was the blood rushing through his ears, the pressure of it, his eyes stuck on the image in front of him, the knife deep inside, only the handle was visible, the shaky hands around it, Garak then looked at the face, pain clearly breaking through, tears falling, but eyes fixed, lips pressed together, rapid breathing, and no sound was made. Garak was shaking more, if that was possible, but a curiosity, a bizarre intrigue crept it's way through him, like he was stuck between throwing up and investigating closely, he was baffled, confused, nothing made sense and he wanted answers.

That was the reaction Julian always got out of him, the confusion, the thirst to know more, the hunger for whatever it is he could give him, always unpredictable, with what he did, what he thought, like a never ending surprise, and also, a never ending idiocy about himself that annoyed Garak to death, the way he would throw himself in danger for others, or how he wouldn't back down from a confrontation, or his absurd sense of duty. Julian would stab himself to prove a point, and Garak had no doubt about that, and so that had to be him, no one was quite as stupidly selfless to put himself through that just for Garak's peace of mind.

But if that was Julian, that would mean...

His thoughts were cut short by another movement, the hand, Julian's hand, - oh my god, that was him - around the knife tightened, and in a second, he took it out, not moving, eyes still on Garak and body trembling in pain, other than that, no sound was made, Garak, even with all his year of training, wouldn't know he was in pain if he didn't know where to look, and for a second he wondered what made him so resistent, what happened to make him so falsely unaffected, what about his stay on that camp - and it was real, he was there- made him so impassive to such an extreme pain, and how could Garak seek his revenge about that, but, still, the knife was out, and Julian only handed it to Garak, smiling, breaking what was left of the cardassian in front of him.

"The blood will stay blood," He breathed, sharp, his words sounded distant to Garak. "It will stain your dagger and you carpet, and you'll know..." he held back a wince and smiled again. "You'll know."

Garak stared at what he before thought to be a changeling and knew in his bones that he was wrong. Julian Bashir stood in front of him bleeding profusely from his stomach, handing him the knife, smiling, eyes haunted, body trembling and so completely there. Garak felt the strangest confort, and the unsurmountable grief, all at once, the hurt he caused and the ease of him not being manipulated again, all played a game of tug inside him as he accepted the knife, staring at the blood dripping from it, and it was again so intimate to hold the dagger that held such a profound proof of life, his eyes swarm with tears but he only blinked, letting a small sob of relief leave his lips, only for the guilt to overcome him.

He had done it, he harmed him, his Julian, his paranoia drove him to it, his selfish self preservation, - Julian would chastise him for this kinds of thoughts, and yet, he coulnd't help it - his stupid need to know that the real Julian didn't love him, and how could he, how would he even? Yet, he did - or so it seemed, and he went to great lengths to prove it so, so Garak didn't have the right to dismerit it, he would not dare to doubt after such a demonstration.

"It's mine, see?" Julian whispered, pressing his hands against his injury, coming out of it bloodied and gruesome, holding Garak's hands to stain it too, not accusing, no, it was gentle, delicate, and Garak felt his body come to life at his touch, his warm blood, so personal, so his. "It's my blood, and it's yours if you want it."

Garak was still paralysed, and Julian still had worry in his eyes, taking a step closer, the blood dripping on the carpet, wonderfully staining everything, and Garak had the thought for a second that Julian didn't know what that meant, to bleed for someone, to sacrifice parts of yourself to them, not in his culture, but he corrected himself again, knowing that Julian was too clever not to know. It was too many feelings, the overwhelming guilt, the blissful relief, the remainders of fear, the hollowed out sadness and the love, there was so much love, and it barely made anything better, but god, it was there.

"Julian?" Was the first thing he tried to say, and although he was certain, he still posed it as a question, still reeling, still sacared, needing the confirmation, and Julian smiled, wholeheartedly, the lines on his face coming to life in a way that made Garak ask himself how could he think it wasn't him, the tears fell freely from his eyes again, his face clearly breaking into a painful solace found on his name being pronounced by Garak's lips, a weight leaving him but staining his body with it's sorrow, he looked far from fine, but he smiled to his name like he never heard it said like that before.

"Yes!" He said, laughing a bit, clearly letting go of what was being held in. "Yes, Elim, it's me." He laughed again, staring at Garak with the stars back on his eyes, just enough, just to shine a little, and Garak felt a wetness on his face he decided to ignore, pretend it wasn't there, focusing only on Julian and his warm blood getting cold and drying up in his hands.

"My dear..." he whispered, letting another sob cut through him, and to that, Julian closed his eyes, basking on the pet name like it was warm sun, still smiling, nodding a little, accepting it like a blessing to hear, breathing in as if he could finally do it withou restriction, new tears escaping him, his body looked light as a feather, finally relaxing, and Garak felt a bit whole again, for a brief second, before Julian came crashing down, body slack and weak, letting go and being consumed by the exhaustion.

Garak dropped the gun he didn't even realized he was still holding, the knife with Julian's blood was on the ground in a second and Garak closed the distance to hold the falling body in his arms, breaking the fall, holding him gently and laying him on his lap, hands immediately finding the wound to put pressure on it. Garak was all action, trying to focus, but his mind screamed the warped realities to him, as it was what he deserved, to possibly lose his Julian to a mistake he made, to have him die in his arms because he couldn't trust him, surely it was poetic, Tain would be pleased, to have a barely lover sacrificing himself to reassure a less than deserving Garak, he felt ashamed, he didn't honoured the warm blood Julian spilled, he was unworthy of such devotion.

A hand was suddenly on his face, almost like it could hear his thoughts, staining his cheeks with blood, warm and viscous, the overpowering smell of copper woke him up from his nightmarish thoughts, and Garak forced himself to stare at Julian again.

"Please, Elim, don't look so worried." He said smiling, face starting to go pale. "I'm a damn good doctor, I know where to cut." he supplemented smugly, Garak let out a sad but endeared laugh, his body deflating as he held Julian a bit tighter.

"You could've slashed one of your arms, my dear, blood would still be blood." He tried a smile, lifting a hand to caress Julian's cheeks just like he was doing, staining his skin with his own blood in the process.

"Please, it wouldn't have worked." The doctor laughed, strained but true, and it was sewing Garak back together bit by bit. "You never responded to small gestures, my love." They stared at each other's eyes for a second, small smiles and soft touches, the smell of blood and smoke still coming from the wall, and to hold a beloved while they bled for you, while you ached for them, such a powerful declaration, and once again, Garak felt stupid - not stupid, victim, he could almost hear Julian correcting him - to fall for the changeling's schemes, because now he knew Julian Bashir wouldn't settle for words if given the opportunity.

"I'm very sorry, Julian." He whispered, smile trembling and eyes watering yet again. Julian's smile dropped, his eyes were sharp yet again, staring into Garak's soul until he felt raw.

"Never apologize for this." It was firm, firmer than anything he had ever heard from him, strict, unmovable, it opened no doors for a discussion, Garak gulped at that. "It's the changeling's fault for..." he seemed to swallow around his anger, trying to speak through it. "For using our intimacy as a weapon to manipulate you." he slid his fingers through Garak's eye ridge, looking so fiercely protective even bleeding on his lap, so angry, so desolate. "It's that creature's fault for assaulting you."

Garak never thought of the word, human terms it's what it was, but it fitted well, like a nametag underneath a horrible memory, it didn't made it hurt less, but at least he knew Julian wouldn't judge him for it, at least, for now, he had the real thing to start to cope with the bitter aftertaste of the fake. Julian, a human so protective over a man who didn't need to or even deserved his protection, understood where the fault lay, and would be there to help, the blood proved that, his eyes said it with passion, and Garak felt safe, and yet, he also felt unconfortably bare, trying to hide for the moment.

"I should get you to the infirmary soon, my dear doctor." Garak said, purposefully changing the subject to the matter at hand, and Julian stared at him a bit longer, understanding that it was a talk for a less adrenaline filled and blood stained time, leaving it be for the moment, to which Garak only smiled gratefully.

"You probably should, I might know where to cut but I'm starting to get dizzy." he admitted, laughing lightly, and Garak shook his head at that, taking his hand off the doctor's face, tapping the combadge on Julian's chest.

"Garak to infirmary, I need an emergency transport for me and Doctor Bashir to the sickbay." he said calmly and the voice on the other side said they were checking some things and getting ready, starfleet protocols, always taking too m,uch time, and so Garak stood by.

"I thought you would prefer to walk me so no one would know I'm here." Julian said, his voice a bit sluggish but his smile smug, arrogant, and Garak wanted to punch him, but instead, he just said.

"Well, seems like even as infallible as you are, you managed to be wrong, my dear." he said smiling and Julian laughed again, seeming more alive now than before, which was odd to say the least.

"I love you." Julian said, eyes fixated on him, and Garak tensed up, he couldn't help it, the words still cutting deep into him, Julian noticed, forcing himself a bit up and bringing Garak's head down, so their foreheads touched, and everything around them seemed to dissappear, Garak closed his eyes, reveling in the touch. "I will say it until you think of the real me when you hear it, and will continue saying it after, forever, if you let me." Garak felt Julian tracing his face, his head against his, the connection, the love, and Julian knew what it meant, he had to, nothing he ever did was uniformed.

"My dear Julian, I'm afraid there's nothing in this universe I wouldn't let you do." he said earnestly, gaining another little laugh, a small giggle in return, Julian backing away only to place a kiss where his forehead once laid.

"I fear the same thing, my love." Julian said with a clear smile on his lips.

Garak wanted to melt, to scream, to cry, it was overwhelming the amount of emotions in a single afternoon, the amount of grief, of sadness, of anger and of love, it was mind numbing and heart wrenching, but he held his Julian, eyes closed and feeling his head again against his own, and everything could be resolved later, and he knew that camp 371 and what the changeling did to him were problems that were going to persist for longer, but right now, it hardly mattered.

"Mr Garak, do you hear me?" Someone said, he slowly opened his eyes and found Julian staring right back at him, smiling cheekily, the blood on his face contrasting with the light colors of the place. Garak lifted his head and looked around, seeing the infirmary around him, baffled at not noticing the transport.

"Mr Garak, I need access to the doctor, please." Doctor Girani said, clearly confused and with little patience.

Garak stared at Julian again, who nodded and sat with some difficulty as Garak gave him space, watching Girani go to him and help him into a biobed, stealing stares from Garak as to ask what happened, and Julian never took his eyes away, explaining the injury and the cause of it, Garak didn't hear it. He stared at his hands and clothes, drenched in blood, his face felt dried with it, his body trembled but all he could do was watch him, the real him, with the skin that seemed to shine on those lights, his brand new uniform ripped and bloodied, his lanky frame, and those eyes, those hazel eyes that never left him, enchanting, hypnotizing, huge and inviting, still starless, still with so much in them Garak could only begin to know, even with all his training.

The man was a mystery, and an open book, and Garak loved him...

He loved him to a thousand deaths.

And so, left with his thoughts, he only watched as the things were put into place, and once Julian was secured, the blood he needed going to his body, Garak found the usage of his feet to walk closer, staring at those deep eyes, and he wished he could say what he wanted, he wished he could profess his love, his utter devotion in words, but his body seemed to reject it, so he settled for the best he could do.

"Keep saying you love me." he said after an hour of silence between them, staring at each other, Julian looking tired but keeping himself awake, and he smiled widely, hearing what it meant, reading Garak's subtext like a professional, taking Garak's face in his hand again before saying.

"Trust me, love, you will hardly hear anything else."

[stopthatbluecat]

Gods changelings just LOVE to be Julian Bashir. They love it, can't get enough of it. They slip into Julian form and do a little twirl about it I bet.

[stopthatbluecat]

Changeling Julian is always so fun. Get it, my lil goo blob, frame Eddington as no one suspects you while you're wearing one of the hottest bods around

btw I'm so normal about him

[lesbian-odo]

[boreal-sea]

(alt text is in the images)

This moment is super sweet except THAT'S NOT BASHIR THAT'S A CHANGELING WHO HAS BEEN IMPERSONATING HIM FOR MONTHS WHICH WE LEARN LATER IN THE EPISODE.

I do choose to believe that even the changeling impersonating him was like "yeah you know what that cardassian does kinda fuck, I can see it."

[walkingstackofbooks]

Angsty fic where Garak isn't in love with Julian at the time that Julian gets kidnapped... But, despite his best efforts, he does fall for the changeling.

They're both fascinated by each other, and even though Garak is appalled - he has so many reasons to hate the Founders! - he can't help himself. The mutual attraction is there and after a month of dancing around each other they go for it.

The thing is, while Garak was genuinely fond of Julian, he can only have Julian or the changeling. And, Cardassia forsake him, he wants the changeling, whether or not it damns the doctor.

And then the narrative plays out as it always did. The changeling takes a shuttle into the sun. The real Doctor Bashir returns to the station.

But he's no longer Garak's Julian.

@tokidokifish I don't know if this was the sort of thing you were thinking, but these tags gave me brainworms I'd never have had without them:

#honestly now that i think about it i'm surprised i've never seen#a legitimate doomed-by-canon changeling!julian/garak fic

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

Sorry if someone's already made this poll I am just DYING to know if anyone else finds it hard to believe, as the show seems to expect us to do, that he entirely failed to notice both these things.

Speaking for myself, I can accept the possibility that Julian was clever enough to hide his enhancements from even a trained spy, especially given his decades of practice at it. But personally I just cannot believe Garak didn't at least suspect something was off when Julian got replaced.

[2063april5]

Julian: did you see the Federation News? Admiral Picard is dealing with the fucking Changelings now, ha! Good luck. We needed a Jesus Christ style deification to get rid of those last time

Garak: Yes, my dear, and did you see what happened to that poor former captain Riker?

Julian: ... Elim

Garak: I hear his wife is a betazoid, the daughter of that, err, lovely Madam Troi that married good Odo for a week that one time

Julian: Elim I know what you-

Garak: it does make one wonder, doesn't it? If a betazoid woman in her... middle age thing, how is it called?

Julian: we just call it "the phase"

Garak: very scientific, Doctor, as always. If a betazoid woman undergoing "the phase", in full control of her empathetic abilities, could be fooled... It follows that the changelings would be able to mimic even the very signature of a person's emotions, and isn't that something?

Julian: the fact that Deanna fucked a changeling doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that you fucked a changeling, Garak

[defconprime]

[basingstokemercury]

If I remember correctly, the uniforms change in The Ascent.

When we discover that they pulled a Carson Beckett with Bashir in In Purgatory's Shadow, he's still in the old (prettier) uniform.

This means the Bashir we see in The Ascent, Rapture, The Darkness And The Light, The Begotten, and For The Uniform must be a changeling.

(it also means they all have to take place within five weeks, which is... interesting considering most of these include significant time lapses)

The question is, did the directors/actors know at the time? If I rewatch those episodes with the knowledge I'm looking at a changeling, will I realise something's off?

I'd imagine the answer is no because that would be logistically tricky, but it would be pretty cool

[libraflyter]

I think about this a lot in the context of Miles saying the clue was changeling!Julian being easier to get along with.

As the only acknowledgement: that’s a hurtful thing to say.

But actually? That’s really, really telling about how changeling infiltration would work. It’s not that Julian Bashir is particularly “difficult” but that changeling!Bashir was extra agreeable and not doing any of the attention demanding things that real people do. Changeling!Bashir needed to fade into the background. The changeling couldn’t risk drawing attention in any way because someone might notice something was off.

People let their guard down when things go smoothly. The changeling used a reliable manipulation technique; even if people noticed a change, what were they going to say to push back? “Dr. Bashir is agreeable these days and hasn’t argued with me.” That’s hard to defend as a red flag.

(Re: Garak … Julian being chill with Ziyal joining the lunch club and any other acts of distancing absolutely got misfiled under “he has come to his senses and is setting boundaries”.)

I have reprised my DS9 rewatch, and now that I've rewatched the "Julian Bashir got replaced and no one noticed" episode, can I say that... it makes sense that no one noticed?

When you look at him, Julian doesn't seem to have that many friends, and the people who know him best all have their hands full by the time we reach the switch.

Leeta broke up with him, and as far as I can tell he hasn't had a steady relationship after that. Leeta probably could've noticed, but it's doubtful that they would spend much time together now that they've moved on.

Jadzia is just entering the long phase relationship with Worf and probably spending less time with Julian as a result. Plus, she was the primary target of Julian's more... aggressively immature behaviour for years, and she certainly isn't going to complain if he's respecting her spaces more and bringing sandwiches to the Promenade.

Miles has the new baby to look after, which means a lot of nights up and a lot less LARPing with his buddy. When they do go out together, Miles would still be tired and distracted enough that he wouldn't notice if Julian's behaviour is slightly off, he would only notice how helpful and easy to get along with Julian is becoming and isn't that nice?

This leaves Garak, who is a paranoid bastard who regularly engaged with Julian in philosophical debates, something that I would imagine is particularly hard to fake well. Except, this is not season 3, this is after Garak tried to blow up the Changeling planet while Julian was still standing on it. If they've resumed their book club recently, as I assume they did, it would probably be awkward and tentative, and then Ziyal began coming too and that's just enough changed circumstances that Garak wouldn't question any changes in Julian's behaviour.

As for the other characters, they don't seem to be close enough to Julian to realise that something may be off.

So this leaves... no one. Julian doesn't seem to have close family, he has no romantic relationships going on, his co-workers don't seem to know him all that well, and his closer friends all have other things going on.

Someone please give this poor man a hug

[idonotbitemythumbatyou]

Dr. Julian Bashir's clinical depression kicks in after the one-two punch of the Dominion prison camp and getting outed as an augment, and then rages unchecked for the rest of show.

The only thing he does is work, and every waking hour after that is spent getting cheap hits of serotonin. If you aren't down with holoprograms, I am so sorry, my man does not have the capacity to interact with you. Move along.

No one noticed he was replaced? Oh the changeling was actually... you- you liked him better? Yeah that's cool. haha guess I understand. Let's just pack that up to deal with never.

He's numb for so long that he's convinced that the first whisper of human emotion he manages to eke out must be something big and important like love. (I'm so sorry, Sarina, babe. He is too. He'll do it again, but he is sorry.)

And then he skillfully avoids getting help by fucking the only available therapist in the area. Depression-ass behavior.

[a-pile-of-contented-ravens]

While i understand some of the doylist reasons for why garak was not in Doctor Bashir, I Presume (Andrew Robinson being too expensive to have on the show for three episodes in a row, the season already having exceeded its Gayness Quota, etc) from a Watsonian perspective his absence is outrageously out of character. You’re telling me  that Plain Simple Garak, who singled out Bashir as the most manipulatable Star fleet officer and went to the replicomat to hit on him aggressively by the second episode WHILE HIGH OUT OF HIS MIND wouldn’t AT THE LEAST break into Julian’s quarters (again) to see what was up???? You’re saying that Garak “literally just found out that bashir had been replaced by a changeling for a month” wasn’t paying close enough attention to Julian to realise anything was happening????? Garak “my estranged dad just died” wouldn’t care about Julian’s estranged parents being in town?????????? THAT Garak????????????????????? The only possible reason i can think of for him not being there is that he was at Tain’s funeral, which is never implied in the episode. Why wasn’t he there Star Trek creators explain yourselves 

[libraflyter]

I want a post Dr. Bashir I Presume fic where after the reveal, Garak is angry. Not because of the lying, but because Julian had a secret that was a blackmailer’s dream and yet he still befriended Garak. Garak the exiled spy. Someone who not only could have uncovered the secret but had incentive to use it against Julian. He is incandescently angry that Julian Bashir has such terrible self preservation.

I want a whole feelings fic about this. Garak trying to figure out why he’s angry and not impressed. He should be impressed! Julian is a better liar than he knew and that should please him, not anger him.

Garak has never had the anger you get when you find out after the fact someone you love did something that could have hurt/killed them and yes it’s okay now but you need them to know how unacceptable it was, how they need to understand they can’t hold themselves so cheaply and promise to never do it again.

Where there’s a confrontation (because of course Garak is avoiding Julian and that only works until Julian is fed up with him) and it turns into a big fight which is ultimately about how much Garak cares about his dear doctor. Garak finally understands why he’s so upset. That the augment reveal was the last straw in his tangled feelings about how much danger his doctor was in that he didn’t see. He didn’t see the changeling and he didn’t see this (and he didn’t save his father) and safety is both an illusion and something Garak is supposed to provide to His People.

If Julian is going to be so reckless, if Garak can’t stop him he must have enough information to protect him.

(Odds of Garak planting hidden trackers on Julian: very high. Julian is going to feel both violated and relieved when section 31’s kidnapping is uncovered so quickly.)

[ierectthespineofcardassia]

Changelings love to impersonate him, too.

(sorry for the quick, messy drawing)

What my friend had to say about Julian repeatedly getting possessed:

"He gets possessed a lot. Really likes having people inside him."

[walkingstackofbooks]

Frankly, there should have been some sort of required explanatory paperwork and consent forms in DBIP - besides Zimmerman contacting Julian's parents, it always bothers me that everything else Julian has to do seems to just come up as they're going, and honestly, I'm not sure Julian would have agreed if he'd been given any forewarning on what it would all include.

(I mean quite honestly he's barely enthusiastic about any of it, and I kind of feel that if he hadn't felt that he *had* to given Zimmerman had already showed up on the station and launched into the "chance of a lifetime" spiel, he might well have declined even if he could have opted out of the parents thing.)

But I digress. The point is, what if Dr Zimmermann did email Julian the forms to sign off on - just, while Julian was in the Dominion Camp. And the changeling impersonator simply deleted the email (well, emails plural) because it was irrelevant.

So then you've got Zimmerman getting impatient to start his project (it's bad enough he has to model it on someone else, let alone waiting for them to even grace him with a reply) until eventually he decides oh fuck it, I'll just forge his signature to send to my superiors, it's not like he's going to refuse once I've explained in person.

And then it just... never comes up. No-one asks and he certainly doesn't feel the need to ask why Bashir had ignored him (and maybe he does overhear something about camp 371, which means he's definitely not going to bring the missing email up) and then by time anyone might have thought to question his ethics, if Julian ever did mention that he'd explicitly asked for Zimmerman to avoid his parents or what have you, the whole enhancements thing will have come out and it would probably just seem like Julian was being, idk, petty, if he ever tried to bring it up to the powers-that-be. Not that I think he would. But you know, even if a friend did try to persuade him, I can't see that approach bearing fruit.

And ugh, I'm just so angry on his behalf, because while the way it worked out was probably actually better in the long run than him keeping his secret forever/it coming out in some way where that plea deal wasn't able to be made, I'd really like Zimmerman to have faced SOME repercussions more than just, y'know, not getting with Leeta. (Not to downplay the that Rom, my hero, made to this episode of course. Thanks, Rom, for your service. You had the greatest of timings)