#changed my life fr I've never been the same since

[enhas-bestie]

A WIN IS A WIN YUP that bed selfie will drive me insane every time

heeseung just looks tew good like every single time he drops a selfie I just feel myself going into cardiac arrest.

let me present to you, the holy trinity:

[googledetective]

my thoughts about the new drdt episode...

I want to start off that this episode has not left me in a great mental state and this piece of fiction is starting to effect my reality in a negative way, currently. I do suffer from mental health issues, so please be sympathetic. If something I say seems too emotional or a bit off, that's likely why. My therapist will be hearing about drdt, lol. No hate towards drdt, it's an amazing project, and I'm amazed at how the piece of fiction is able to make me react in such a way.

1. I am not educated on ASPD or anything like that, so if I say something wrong feel free to correct me. I had a feeling that Levi likely had it from his secret, but this is a cool confirmation. I like that this is represented in a really great way, and that the reactions to his confessions are also very realistic. I like Levi a lot, but now I understand him so much more, and it makes me really appreciate him.

2. I find it interesting how Levi is so detached, as Veronika said, to everything. Even if I was not capable of remorse, I would've remembered killing my own father. I wonder what his father did to be so looked down upon.

2.5. OKAY SO HES KINDA JUST LIKE ME FR. like I stated previously I've had some bad mental health issues in the past to the point I've kicked windshields of cars in and attacked people. It is not my proudest moment, but holy shit I can relate to this a lot. It makes me so good to see someone who's done shit like I've done who's trying to change.

3. Ace really did care about Levi and considered him a friend, which warmed and broke my heart at the same time. I really hope Ace finds another friend, because he deserves to feel some comfort and joy. I hope he learns about Levi's ASPD and realizes Levi has no malicious intent towards him. I find it nice that Ace did really trust and look up to Levi though, it proves him capable of friendship and deeper feelings that people usually overlook. Great complex character.

4. I was shocked that Levi sided with David, but honestly I do too. David is a good person, and we see that later in the ep where he doesn't tell Eden what Arei said.

5. J CALLED OUT HU??? UNEXPECTED. called her a stupid argument moderator. Interesting. I love you J, but watch it.

6. Veronika's secret isn't the worst thing she's ever done- interesting. I think it could be the thing she's the most ashamed of, but you never know. It really breaks my heart for Hu, and I hope we get a backstory on her soon.

I'm coming back after point 14 and adding this: these secrets don't seem to be any of the worst things they've ever done, nor relevant to the killing game (besides "Xander's"). These secrets are personal. I think they each have worse secrets but they are too related to the killing game so they couldn't give those out.

7. Excuse you, David. Freaky ass.

8. that is NOT Teruko's secret 😭😭😭

9. This is seriously rich coming from J, as she usually escalates the situation.

10. Eden's monologue broke my heart. I am so glad David lied to her at the end, or I think Eden's heart would've been broken. This just makes me so sad.

11. "That maybe there would be a world in which we would be friends." I'm sure there would be, since your fans have created worlds that you're dating her.

12. Arei needs to genuinely shut up. This is where I get very upset and irrational. I am so fucking mad at Arei for lying to Eden. For the rest of Eden's life she's going to be wondering what she could've done or if her friendship was enough. Why the fuck would you lie and say you believed you could change, only to come back and admit you know you can't. My heart breaks for Arei though, because I believe she could've changed. This especially makes me so upset because as a previously bad person who relates to Arei and tries to change, I feel like I'm going to give up hope to do so too. Obviously I gotta overpower and not let fiction effect my reality, but it really hurts.

13. Arei's worldview that nobody is a good person mirrors David's (though David excludes Xander). Makes me really sad. I can hope, but there's really no hope left.

14. Well we know who attacked Xander (what the actual fuck). I hope we learn how that ties in later. Eden's hidden quote, "you can never go back, no matter how hard you try." maybe it's referring to this incident instead of the situationship with her friends in the past.

15. Love this.

16. WE HAD A JRUKO MOMENT!!! So happy about this!!!

17. Why the actual fuck does Whit know so much about how that hanging mechanism would work. You're making yourself look so suspicious. High and low were highlighted, which was interesting.

18. Whit said this murder would've been hard if Arei wasn't a willing victim. If she was, this just makes this case even more tragic. She may have convinced herself to give up hope and cooperated with the killer, which pains me a lot. I think this was due to David's secret.

19. I love the carousel bit! And the banter between Arturo and Whit. They had banter last trial too, so that's a continuation. Maybe they'll have a confrontation in the future.

20. NICO FUCKED BRO

21. At this point my only logical conclusion of who I think the killer could be is J.

22. Everyone is bringing up Ace's friend- Taylor! It's seriously throwing me for a loop bc that's my name!

ENDING:

To clarify, I think it's sad that Arei believes she can't change and even started doubting Eden.

[beanghostprincess]

zolu or frobin for the ship thing!!

YAY I THOUGHT NOBODY WOULD ASK ME ANYTHING NGL AUIBFJKASFDFBFASBFJK

zolu: they make me mentally, physically, and spiritually ill. they're one of my favorite ships if not my favorite ship of all one piece. actually heavily surprised they aren't more popular, but i'm glad opla is kind of changing that. anyway- i've been shipping them since day 1. zoro's devotion to luffy is something i will never get tired of. the fact that he does not believe in any god canonically but the way he follows luffy is so easy to compare to religious imagery makes me weak in the knees and wanting to curl up and cry. zoro is luffy's anchor and the one that guides him when he's lost, and luffy is the one that saved zoro from a life of loneliness and gave him the chance to follow a dream he would have never fulfilled if he had continued on his own. luffy is, kind of literally, his sun. and i'm not even talking about moon/sun dynamics. i don't even consider them to be that specific trope. luffy is literally his sun and god and best friend and boyfriend and captain and everything. if you ask zoro what is luffy for him? his everything. that silly rubber guy? his captain. his sun. his moon. his stars. his dream. also!!! people never talk about luffy's pov when it comes to zolu, and it makes me so so so mad!!!! because his perception of zoro is so beautiful. luffy trusts him with his whole soul and would leave the crew on his bare hands if he needed to. zoro's his first mate. that's a captain's heart, man. luffy might be the captain but he's emotional and irrational, and he listens to what zoro has to say. their silent communication makes me want to bang my head against the concrete floor. luffy relies on him and zoro lets his guard down when it comes to luffy. they're so in love, whether you see it romantically or platonically... i love that they're so clingy and silly and so so so powerful together. if something happened to the other their worlds would literally be completely ruined. their love literally goes beyond romantic and platonic. they're the perfect definition of queer platonic. honestly, i'm not fond of luffy in sexual situations but when it comes to zolu it's just so easy to picture them being so so intimate... i'm gonna cry writing this they're so dear to me.

frobin: i want them to adopt me so damn much. my parents. mom and dad. i usually hate it when people use family labels when it comes to found family, because the point of found family is that they're not a conventional family but they love each other even more deeply than a blood related one does. however, this is my exception because i really really really think they give married vibes and i want them as my parents. their dynamic is so good!! perhaps it's just the fact that their arcs are basically the same one and they're the main characters of water 7/enies lobby (along with our dear god usopp. shout out to my boyfriend out there!!) but their backstories and dynamic are sooooo satisfactory and angsty and domestic to watch (yes, all at the same time). robin's personality is gentle and sweet but also kind of dark and satiric, with a lot of pain behind from her past. franky, on the other hand, is a big, funny, eccentric and extremely adorable guy with an emotional touch and a lot of energy. at first it's just "big funny guy x sweet gentle girl" but in reality is "big funny guy that always takes care of everyone with a smile on his face and is extremely protective of the one he loves x sweet gentle girl that is learning how to enjoy life and will protect her new family at all costs". it's not just the angst and hurt/comfort of it all, though! i love the fact that she's satiric and dark and he's just- he's just fucking scared of her sometimes. and tbh if you're not scared of your hot, goth, intelligent wife, what's the point? you know that meme of will smith showing off his wife? that's literally them. robin does anything and he's there supporting her. franky does anything and she's there saying "that idiot right there is my husband *tiny giggle*". anyway, basically they're very gentle and domestic and i wish my parents loved me the way they would please please franky and robin kiss get married and then adopt me plea-

TL;TR: i love both ships a lot! 10/10 <3

[canolaaoil]

To all my best friends, only twelve leagues and one text message away

1. Dearly Departed, Brockhampton. // 2. The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion. // 3. unsent project. // 4. I am in Eskew. // 5. His dark materials. // 6. Where did you go? Hishaam Siddiqui. // 7. parts in motion, Vera Much. // 8. Your Name Engraved, Herein. 9. Hmu, spacegirl GEMMY.

Description follows

[ID: song lyrics reading, "What's the point of havin' a best friend if you / end up losin' him?" end ID]

[[ID: a photograph in the style of an early digital camera of two teenage girls cuddling under blankets on a couch watching something on a computer. end ID]

[ID: a poem reading, "Life changes fast. / Life changes in the instant. / You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends. end ID]

[ID: a fuzzy photograph in the style of an early digital camera of three people huddled around a fridge. All of the people have brown hair, glowing golden from the lighting and only one of their faces is turned toward the camera. end ID]

[ID: a text entry on a pink background reading, "To: Harry I / i've written 43 / poems about you. / come back and i / won't have to write anymore. / -asle" end ID]

[ID: a photograph in the style of an early digital camera of a couple in a photobooth with only their feet and legs visible behind the curtain. one is sitting on the other's lap. ]

[ID: text reading, "The problem is, my love, is that I can't sustain the fact of your death. / I can convince myself that it's true, force myself to picture your rotting, ruined face dumped in a mass grave somewhere out in the world... / ...and then my phone buzzes and I'm still expecting an unexpected message from you, telling me what corner of the globe you've holed up in, the foods you're eating, the card-players you're outwitting." end ID]

[ID: a photograph of two people in an aquarium, shot from behind. they stand in front of a large window showing a tank of water and seaweed. the two pose as if dancing grandiosely with no one else around. end ID]

[ID: a paragraph reading, "And it was comforting to think she and Will had another thing in common. She wondered if there would ever come an hour in her life when she didn't think of him- didn't speak to him in her head, didn't relive every moment they'd been together, didn't long for his voice and his hands and his love. She had never dreamed of what it would feel like to love someone so much; of all the things that astonished her in her adventures, that was what astonished her the most. She thought the tenderness it left in her heart was like a bruise that would never go away, but she would cherish it forever." end ID]

[ID: a photograph from behind of a group of people walking together down a city street. two of the people have their arms around each other shoulders. another two link arms. the image is slightly blurry. end ID]

[ID: a couplet reading, "One day I woke up and we no longer spoke the / same language. I haven't heard from you since." end ID]

[ID: a photograph of two people, focused on one in the foreground. A young woman looks lovingly towards something out of frame, her face resting on the meat of her hand. In the background a man looks away towards another subject. The lighting is dreamy and yellow. end ID]

[ID: lyrics reading, "Show me it all / Tell me what's wrong / You got your hard drive stolen / Your phone's been broken / Play me a song off of mine / Show me it all / Show me a rise / Show me a fall / Pay me no mind / Paint me in gold / I don't mean to pry, but give me a call" end ID]

[ID: a gif from the movie 'Your Name Engraved Herein' of Birdy and A-han riding a motorbike through the streets at night. Both smile widely as they breeze along, Birdy sitting behind A-han with his shirt off over his head, yelling happily. End ID]

[ID: lyrics reading, "They say everything has reason / Life fluctuates like seasons / And maybe someday soon we'll both find our reason / But bitch you're still the bro / Never letting go / Of the friendship bracelets we made when we were twelve // I'll be waiting by my phone / For you to hit me up / For you to hit me up / Hit me hit me up" end ID]

[ID: a photograph of a plaque on an outside wall reading, "LIFE HAPPENS BUT I STILL CARE FOR YOU. I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL." end ID]

[writingforfishes]

worm when uhh. yeah.

iirc one of your fics mentioned Otto having been with people possessing various sexual organs. were they also of various genders or is that not solidified

in my brain atty is men only but Otto seems like he'd have been Resident Bi Slut in his late teens/early-mid 20s. attraction can be fluid tho so maybe even if he was, that could've changed since then.

also uh if they both have backstories somewhat, is there a story to how they met and got together? the proposal and wedding preparations? wedding day maybe..

cuz like I've read All of them and it's like slice of life ottocus, early relationship stage/kink confession ottocus, honeymoon, sick otto, roleplay, Mark's party, hiatus, atty's birthday (probably not the exact order chronologically but I think that's the post order since the first one?)

obvi this is like kinkfic stuff so I don't expect any overarching plot or something but you gave Otto so much trauma there has to be more dots to connect between then and "the beginning"

I think at some point it was said that they had mutual friends and Mark introduced them. beyond that....? 👀

n I doodled some silly Atticus frames after reading the newest one 😭😭 (they're just so funny 💔 I had to produce that visual) do u want

errr hopefully whenever u read this u had a good sleep beforehand (watch me already be awake by then 💀) and manifesting u and ur friends being ok soon!! yeeting healing and peaceful energy at y'all smh.. fr tho once everybody's good u should all go get tea or cupcakes or somethin

imma go pretend to sleep but actually draw and dissociate for like an hour until I pass out byeeeee

@worm-writes-hicfics

This must've sent when you opened the page up, because I JUST got it!

Oh, Otto is bi as hell. You're right on the money with that.

(Just erased a lot of text because it's more trauma that isn't really helpful to the question.)

He went a little wild in college. (Definitely Bi slut era.) He never finished his degree. Peek alcoholic life so lots of Stuff (tm).

He is still on the asexual spectrum (grey/demi). Having a kink that is related to arousal would probably make sex fun, I would assume! (Though I don't relate, personally. It's been interesting to write from that perspective and I'm probably doing not-so-well on it, but I'm trying!) But, like he told Atty in one story, a relationship based primarily on sex never worked out for him.

As far as Atticus, they actually have been physically attracted to all genders, but they haven't really had much romantic attraction. I don't think it would've mattered at all what gender (or nongender) a person was. They are also asexual in the same way I am, so they haven't had any experience with sex by the time they met Otto. (But plenty of experience with masturbation and knowledge of their own body.)

(Try and imagine THAT vulnerability as they say they want to masturbate on his couch to his hiccups!!)

They doubted they had romantic attraction as well before Otto and still have doubts about being completely romantic. They would probably fussily identify as demiromantic if they were forced to define it.

I think the stories have been mostly masc focused because, for some reason, I enjoy experiencing hiccups in masc identifying and presenting people more than femme. I think I would also enjoy hiccups in nonbinary or non-gendered people, I just haven't experienced that, yet. (That I know of.)

I, myself, find femme just as attractive as masc beyond the kink. (femme and masc identified by societal gender roles, of course) And I find nonbinary energy and non-gendered energy attractive as well! I find PEOPLE attractive. (I know, I'm pulling a Schitt's Creek David moment with that, sans sex. I would QPR with anyone, honestly.)

The story of how they met is a work in progress. I think Mark was a lead detective on a case based around a series of robberies.

Atticus was one of several renters in an apartment complex where a bunch of robberies took place on the same day. During the interview Atticus mentioned that in addition to some valuables being taken whoever the idiot was who robbed them knocked a mantel clock, a family heirloom, off where it was sitting as they left. Ever since, the clock hadn't worked right.

Atty was more pissed off about the clock than the TV and laptop. Mark happened to "know a guy" and that's the short story of how they met. I might flesh it out a little more at some point. We'll see. No hiccup content, though.

I'm trying to remember what I had ultimately decided for the proposal. I had a thought of it at one point. I need to come back to it with something else because whatever I thought of didn't stick in the lore. It was probably incredibly adorable though. Something like Atticus giving Otto a poem to read over and get his opinion on and the last line being "Will you marry me?" or some cheesy shit like that. You know, something to make you scream "OMG, I hate this so much! Augh why?!! I love them!!"

I might try to workshop that a little more and see what I come up with. I honestly don't even know which one of them actually proposed.

I will say, expect inconsistencies in the stories, for sure. I was initially writing them as a one-off so, much like a pilot to a series is inadequate in predicting the tone of a show once it's picked up, the first few stories were me just realizing I was actually crafting characters that might last a few more times and have deeper story potential.

I should probably explore Atticus' base friend group in addition to Otto's. Otto's is basically Mark, Ralph (Mark's detective partner), Alice (Mark's wife), Margie, Cindy, and Jana (Mark's Ex). I do think Atticus knew of Cindy previous to meeting Otto, but I don't think they were friends.

I guess because Otto was based around a character and his friends are based on other characters in the same show, I sort of borrowed from that so much that I neglected to give Atticus a proper social group.

I mean, this is kink fic so...it's not necessary but...it might be interesting to explore.

I WANT ALL ARTS YES PLEASE!

Ahem.

Yes, that would be nice.

[suchalonelysunflower]

Happier Than Ever (Stay) (A.I)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x Fem!Singer! Reader

Summary: Based on the songs Happier than Ever by Billie Eilish and Stay by Post Malone. pt 2 of YOYOK. You go back to L.A and old friends open old wounds

Warnings: ANGST. This is very, very based on my own experience so this is my therapy session with you guys, sorry. Mentions of abuse, death, melancholia, psychological abuse, sad times, curse words. And grammar errors (I didn't even check twice, I'm sorry)

Word Count: 8.7 k

Author's Note: Hey, I'm back because I've missed you and I needed to get this fit out of my chest and survive it. Please, if you like it reblog it and comment, I love to know your thoughts. SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS THAT WE'RE GETTING FEWER AND FEWER HERE. Thank you. Hope you like it and happy reading

YOYOK / Masterlist

“Hey,… I know it’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I’ve heard the new album is coming along great, I’m so happy for you. You… You seem happy, or at least that’s what I can see on social media. I just- I heard you were coming back home- I mean, L.A for some time and well, I was wondering if we could catch up? If you don’t have a place to stay maybe you could crash into mine, like the old times. But you probably already… Anyhow, just call me or text me if you want to. I would really love to-”

When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever Wish I could explain it better I wish it wasn't true

You love the feeling of being above the clouds. So close to the sky that you marveled on the technological advances that allowed you to feel free.

“Mom, look!” You thought “I’m in the clouds, so high above. Is this the feeling you were always dreaming about?”

A pang of nostalgia stabbed your heart, wishing your mom could be there with you experiencing all of this. But she was back at home, safe and sound on the surface. You knew it was for the best, that you could miss her a little bit more before your heart begged you to go and visit, even when your mind knew better than to believe those rose colored glasses of memory.

Was it the feeling of familiarity that made you feel safe even when it hurt? Maybe. Still, you wish you could’ve shown the world to her, give her everything on a silver platter and say “Mom, I did it. I can take care of you now”

What would she say?

You know she’s proud and she’s thankful for everything you’ve done for her. Still, it doesn’t feel like enough. Her eyes just won’t shine the same way; her smile would change; and the hug won’t ever feel as comforting as you’d expected. Your heart would tell you that she loves you, but your mind would always go back to those moments where you doubted it could ever be unconditional. So you’ve learned to miss her a little bit longer each time. Longer until you learn to miss her for the rest of your life.

It was not a foreign feeling, but it was one that you learned to feel and apply to your life. With time you’ve known the patterns, you’ve learned to grow and let go because that’s not the energy you need to spend even a bit of your mind over. You could miss the happy moments but know that they don’t fit anywhere with the person you want to be most. For your own good, you needed to learn how to let go.

The path was not easy - having to teach your heart not to bleed itself dry for the memory of past times. All the tears and the hurt, it was all part of healing what other people broke. So, the beauty of the cracks made you see just how worthy you are. Even if sometimes the water leaks and your mind starts a whirlwind of doubt, you would never come back to the person you used to be when the people that you loved most didn’t love you as you deserved.

Since then, you found yourself thriving. Not only in your career as a musician, with your lyrics that resonated with a lot of people and even made you gain a considerable number of new fans; but, also with yourself. You started loving more freely, more authentically. you saw yourself in a better light and wished people from your past could see just how much better you are without them. Not to be mean or to gloat, but for them to know that you didn’t cave, that life was meant to be lived and you will be doing just that even if they’re not part of it anymore. You wanted them to be happy for you, just as happy as you are for them.

Still, it scared you to go back to L.A, a place that has seen you at your worst and was the cause of your declining mental health. Even if it was for a short period of time, you knew you couldn’t stay there. Your place, the place that you belong was somewhere across the sea; far from anything and anyone that could make you feel like you once did. Like you didn’t matter.

Yet, no process of healing is ever complete until the cycle of hurt is broken. There were some things in your chest that begged for you to say them. Now it was time to let them out. And, if you were honest, a tiny bit of curiosity tied itself to that feeling. There were just too many unanswered questions still left hanging in thin air. The problem was that you didn’t know if you’d like the answers.

“Hey, Y/N” Your agent called your attention as she sat next to you “I need to confirm the last dates for your airbnb, are you sure you want to shorten your stay?”

You smiled softly at her “Yeah, I will be staying with some friends after”

“Okay, but are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. There’s a lot of things we need to catch up”

Every time we make-up, the truth is fading' Everybody's blind when the view's amazing'

It was weird to feel foreign in a place that helped shape you into the person you are now. But, then again, L.A never felt like home. Australia didn’t either, even though that’s what you’ve been saying in all the interviews when they asked what’d you miss more from home. “My family, the sweets, my friends, the sun…” But the sun did shine in other places; your family, you realized, never made any difference; the sweets could be ordered online; and your friends… Your friends changed. In the end, home never felt like home because you could create it everywhere you’d go.

There just places you’ve been. Home is something else, something you haven’t found yet.

Still, if you had to admit something is that the sun in L.A shines differently than in other places. It always seemed like you were entering a strange dimension, always playing “Something about the sunshine” on loop inside your mind.

You’ve been there a month and so. Enough time to have meetings and writing retreats that lasted a weekend. You’ve been to social required events, just as you do every couple of months to show your agency that you do know just how lucky you are. You’ve been to concerts, gave concerts, left concerts early to go and drink some wine curled up with a book in your bathtub in the hotel room. A small holiday mixed with a little bit of work, you’d say.

But you were leaving in a week, and there are still some things left on the schedule.

You sighed as you grabbed your bag from the sidewalk. The driver was kind enough to offer his assistance, but you would much rather face this by yourself first. During the drive you’ve imagined what it would feel like. Seeing him again. You wondered if your heart was beating faster than usual because of excitement or anxiety. In all honesty you didn’t know what to expect or even if you should be expecting something out of this experience.

Yet, you made up your mind to try and heal this. Get the answers that you longed for and be able to move on completely free. So, once the car drove away, you walked up to the door you’ve only seen in pictures before, and rang the bell.

For a moment you wondered if he remembered. Hoping that, in the end, his proposal of having you as his guest wasn’t just a passing comment he made. After all, you didn’t know when you’ll be back in the city or if your schedule would ever be as free in L.A as it is now. And even if he forgot and didn’t expect you, well, you can’t say you’d be surprised. Thank goodness for back-up plans.

“Coming!” You heard moments before the door opened, barely giving you time to prepare.

There he was. His hair was longer, somewhat a few tones lighter than the last time you saw him. His eyes took a couple of blinks to recognize you, changing the gleam in that hazel color you used to share so many secrets with. He smiled at you, the ghost of a laugh hidden in the dimples you used to poke at lunchtime, claiming that it wasn’t fair that he got to be the pretty one of the two of you. And for a moment, the man standing in front of you was the same kid you met all those years back, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey!” Ashton sang with a laugh, stepping closer into your space and hugging you with one arm as the other took your bag out of your hands “I’m so glad to see you! It’s been so long”

“Yeah,” You softly said, pulling back just enough to analyze his face “Thanks for the invite, Ash”

“Of course! I know you’re not a big fan of hotels anyway and, you know, it’s good to have you back. You’re always welcome to stay here when you’re in town”

He opened his arm toward the door and invited you in. You tried not to think about the fact that this was the first time you stepped foot into his house ever since he moved to L.A. He invited you before when you first moved, but schedules were complicated back then and after a while he stopped offering.

It was hard to think that once you used to live at his house back in Australia. Always trying to escape whatever nonsense was happening over at yours. At some point, you lost count how many times you ended up napping on his bed while he played some dumb internet game on his computer or watched a really dumb movie because “You don’t understand, Y/N, Seth Rogen is a genius” And you didn’t understand because even then you thought Seth Rogen was a creep, but it didn’t matter. You were in your safe space. You were with him. And he probably didn’t even know just how much that meant to you.

Now as you look around, you couldn’t help but search for that same feeling. A sign telling you it’ll be okay.

“Sorry, I know the living room is a little messy”

You turned to watch him look around the place with a slight blush on his cheeks. You smiled kindly at him.

“It’s okay, I’m not one to talk either” You turned back to the room “This place… suits you. It’s a lot like I imagined. Very artsy, very you”

He looked at you confused for a while “Yeah, I haven’t changed it much since -” He caught himself before he could continue and tried to cover his realization with a cough “No, yeah. Thanks! Come, your room is over here”

Once he settled your bag on the bed you went and sat next to it. Silence falling over the two of you as he stood awkwardly at the door.

“I hope everything is-”

“Everything is lovely, Ash” You smiled “Thank you”

He nodded and looked away. Hands hid inside of his pockets as he thought of the right thing to say. But nothing seemed to come to mind.

Suddenly, you felt out of place. Incredibly conscious that maybe you were an inconvenience now that you were there. Maybe, after all, he didn't want you there. You wanted to take this chance to meet him and talk, knowing you couldn’t just pretend that the years of separation and the strangeness you now felt toward each other didn’t exist. Yet, judging by his stand, there might not be a chance to bring those old moments back.

“So, how long are you staying in L.A for?” He asked. And he must’ve seen the way your face fell in disappointment for he quickly followed by saying “Not that I’m not happy that you’re here, of course, I invited you. Just wondering because that bag is just-”

“Oh. Yeah, no. My other bags are still at the hotel”

“The hotel?”

“Yeah, I just asked my team if I could leave them there since we leave in a week and I don’t need much to get by while I’m here and so…”

“Wait,” Ashton shook his head “You’ve been in L.A for a while now?”

“A month or so”

“And you didn’t tell me? Y/N, I offered you a place to stay for a reason”

You frowned “Ash, I did tell you. Last time we texted to see when I was arriving, I told you I was already here”

“No, you said-” He protested as he took out his phone and you watched him scroll down to your conversation. His words got caught up once he read those messages again “I- I though-”

“I have been incredibly busy these past few days, hence why I didn’t want to inconvenience you with my crazy schedule and all. This last week is all I have to relax and so I thought that we could catch up this week before I leave?”

“No, no, no yeah, you’re totally right.” He said, running a hand through his face, embarrassedly “I’m just an idiot”

You looked at him quizzically.

“Everything okay, Ash?”

“I thought we had more time, that’s all” He smiled softly at you “Anyway, ready for tonight?”

“Tonight?” You asked, a small smile forming in your face.

“Yeah! I’m taking you to dinner to celebrate your new album!”

Ashton started to dance awkwardly, making you laugh as you shook your head at him.

“You really don’t have to do that, you know?”

“I want to!” He said “You’ll see, just be ready by seven”

He clapped his hands and left the room. A warm feeling spread through your chest on the fact that he wanted to celebrate you and your success. It finally felt like he cared, like he hasn’t forgotten about you. This really was a chance to put all bad things in the past and start anew.

Or at least, that’s what you hoped.

You scared me to death, but I'm wasting my breath 'Cause you only listen to your fucking friends

Fuck off and pour another drink And tell me what you think You know that I'm too drunk to talk right now

You knocked on his door at fifteen past seven. You decided to wear your favorite light blue top with black, wide leg pants and some low heels. You didn’t really know where he was supposed to take you or how you should dress, so you went with the most comfortable but chic thing you could find given that you didn’t plan to go out as much.

When Ashton opened his door you took a step back to look at him. He was wearing jeans and a wide, white shirt. You could feel your cheeks blush, and had to look down to hide it. It was an awful familiar feeling that you thought you could leave behind knowing that it was extremely pointless to feel the way you once did.

And just like all those years back, he didn’t notice. But for the first time you were glad he didn’t.

“Sorry I made you wait” He said with a smile, closing the door behind him.

“It’s okay,” You said, looking up with a shy smile.

Ashton walked past you to grab his keys, the path he created with his cologne left you dumbfounded for a minute. It was a different smell, one that you weren’t familiar with.

“Why do you have so many colognes?” You asked him once, walking over to his small desk while he wrote what was left of his assignment. Ashton looked up and chuckled when he saw you puffing them into the air to smell them and making faces at each one “They’re mostly presents from my family. I think my aunts were trying to tell me something last year”

“Well, at least they have good taste” You said, trying on the one that had a clear, almost orangy color bottle “Yeah, I’m taking this one home”

“No the hell you’re not!” He got up and took the bottle away from you, raising his arm over his head so that you couldn't catch it. It was his favorite pastime to remind you just how short you were back then “This is my favorite one!”

“You never use it!”

“I will!”

After a couple more tries to grab it from his hands you saw yourself surrender and falling onto his bed again “If you don’t wear it at least five times a week, I’ll take it”

“Deal” He said with a smile, throwing one of his hoodies at you from the floor “And then you will hate it so much because it’ll remind you too much of me that you won’t even want it afterward”

You never told him that it would be the opposite.

Next thing you know, Ashton has parked and was getting out of the car. You looked around and you were surrounded by nice streets and expensive houses. You opened the door and looked over at Ashton who was nodding his head toward one of the houses.

“C’mon” He said with a smile.

“Where are we? Is this a new restaurant I haven’t heard about or…?” “What? No,” He chuckled, ringing the doorbell “Is my friend Andrew’s home. He invited us over for dinner to celebrate that he came back from tour as well”

You were at a loss for words, “He invited us?”

“Yeah, I told him you were coming. Why, what’s wrong?”

A lot. You wanted to tell him. A lot was wrong. How could he not see what he was doing? If he had told you that you were just going to a friend’s house then you wouldn’t have looked so out of place, or feel like a fish out of water. You didn’t know who this Andrew was, you didn’t even know if Ash had actually told them that you were coming or if you’re just going to turn up at this reunion/party for his friend. He said it was to celebrate you.

But before you could voice your concerns to him, the door opened and a guy with a big mop of hair jumped in to hug him.

“Dude! I’m so happy you could make it!” He - Andrew, apparently - smiled widely at Ash, chatting with him for a minute before he noticed you standing beside him “Oh, hi!”

“Hi,” You smiled shyly, extending your hand in greeting knowing Ashton was not going to introduce you judging by the face he just made, seemingly embarrassed of that fact “I’m Y/N”

“Of course!” Said Andrew, shaking your hand and pulling you in for a kiss on the cheek that you weren’t expecting “I heard so much about you, I didn’t know you were friends with this guy here”

“Yeah! We’re friends since the old Australian days” Ashton said, smiling at you “Y/N here dropped by for a visit since she’s doing a lil business around L.A”

You smiled tensely during that small exchange. Wanting nothing more than to crawl back into the car and wait for everything to be over.

One of the reasons you left L.A was because nothing ever felt right. For years you tried to fit in into the scene, going to parties and hosting them with a bunch of people who didn’t even know your last name. You were never good at making new friends, that is to say once you’ve established a relationship with someone then friendship would just roll around the corner. But everyone here was moving so fast it was almost impossible to even wish for a deeper connection with someone.

When you first moved, you thought it would be like a great new beginning. Yet you’ve never felt more alone. The only people you knew were from your team and from Ashton’s band, but even then they turned into more acquaintances given just how little time they seemed to spend in the city.

And maybe Ashton knew that. Maybe he was trying to fix that and give you some opportunities to mix with his group of friends; something you’ve been wanting to do since you moved here all those years ago. Still, something fell… off about all of this.

After the guys talked a little bit more, finally Andrew invited you in. There, you found a group of people you’ve never met hanging around the living room. Plastic cups and ashtrays were scattered around the room as a tinted, light smoke served to decorate the place and give you just an idea of the state of most attendees.

As you walked by, people started to come up to Ash, greeting him and spending a few minutes catching up. Not one of them turned to look at you for more than a second or even gave you the courtesy to say hi. Ashton didn’t seem to notice it at first, but there would come the rare occasion that he would introduce you to some of the groups that started forming around him.

It was not a rare sight for you. Back in school he was the popular one, always friendly with countless people you didn’t even see around school that often.

“This is Y/N, she’s here promoting her new album!” He’d say.

“Wait, I know you!” One of the strangers said, their smile totally welcoming “Taylor Swift gave you a few shout-outs recently, didn’t she?”

You smiled “Yeah! I had a chat with her at a label party a few days back. She’s amazing. We talked about collabing soon, maybe a writing session next time she flies out to the U.K”

“Damn, that’s awesome! I’m Laura, by the way” They said, extending her hand toward you “Ash, why didn’t you bring her along on one of our trips?”

Ashton chuckled “C’mon L, well…”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s our style. No offense” A guy next to them said. You frowned

“What do you mean?” You smiled awkwardly “Have you heard my songs before or-?”

“Nah, it ain’t that. It’s just- We don’t go Taylor Swift’s style”

You could feel your heart beating loudly inside your chest as you looked between Ashton and the other guy, hoping that Ash would intervene “But I’m not Taylor”

Once again you looked toward Ash, but his eyes were cast down to the bottle of beer that he held in his hands. You couldn’t help the disappointment that came over you then.

“Hey man, not cool” Laura said, locking your arms together as they pulled you away “Don’t mind him, he’s high out his mind right now. C’mon, let’s get a bit drunk”

They took you to the main couches and sat next to you. Your cheeks were a bit red from the humiliation. How could you have expected Ashton to defend you? He said it before that your music didn’t go with his vibes and that it was not really his thing, so why would he help you now?

“Those guys can be assholes sometimes. I love them, but they’re so…” Laura trailed off, looking over at you “But hey, forget about them. Tell me a little bit about yourself, how do you know Ash?”

You ended up telling them your whole story. About how you met when you were kids and how he was your best friend. How lonely you felt when he moved away the first time. And how excited you were to see him again after your big break, but that life got in the way. You probably told them more than you should’ve, but the drinks were soft and the room was crowded. And for the first time in the evening someone was actually willing to listen, curious to know you rather than know about you.

“That seems like a whole adventure” They smiled, “And when was the last time you saw Ash before deciding to come and stay with him?”

It wasn’t that long ago, a year or so earlier, when you gave a secret concert in London when you released your last album. He was standing in the corner, smiling at you as you sang. It was the first time since you told him you were moving a couple of years prior. You both kept following each other on social media, but that was pretty much it when it came to your relationship. And you were good with it.

You knew they were in the U.K for their tour, Michael and Crystal had asked you for drinks during that same week and you had a great time catching up. So, against your mind’s warning, you started to hope you would run to him soon enough. And when he appeared at the concert, you couldn’t help but smile back.

Afterwards, when you were back in the green room, you asked if he was still out there and to invite him over to chat. But no one from your team saw him; apparently he was already gone by the time you went off the stage. You remember waiting until you went home to allow yourself to cry, even for just a few minutes. That small interaction that seemingly never happened opened the wound back again. And, if you were honest with yourself, that was one of the main reasons why you decided to take on his offer to stay with him. But you didn’t say that.

“I don’t know,” You told them instead, as your eyes landed on Ashton standing a few feet away from you, a lighted joint between his lips as he laughed with people that you haven’t seen before “Since I moved to Scotland, I think. A while before, probably”

If Laura saw the sadness in your eyes, they never mentioned it. They just said “Okay, I think you should be a little bit drunker, my friend”

Hours later you were alone and tipsy sitting at the front porch of Andrew’s home, nursing a cigarette between your fingers.

“I didn’t know you smoked” A voice came from behind you.

You sighed, putting the filter in between your lips and taking a long hit before you let the smoke get lost into the night.

“You’re mad.” Ashton said, sitting next to you

“And you’re high”

“So we’re both telling the truth tonight” He chuckled, you didn’t “When did you pick up this habit?”

“I don’t know,” You answer honestly. “It was better than drinking myself to death back in Australia. It helps with my anxiety”

“What do you-”

“Alcohol makes you fat.” You deadpanned as you took another hit “I didn’t want my mom to have yet another reason for her nagging”

“Y/N-”

“But she’s not here so,” You passed him your empty cup, still not looking at him “Bring me another one, please?”

Ashton sighed “I think you had enough,”

“You will just never stop making decisions for me, are you?” You stood up, killing the cigarette after one last blow “I know what I’m doing, Ash. I’m a fucking adult, if you haven’t realized. I don’t need you to tell me what to do”

His eyes widened. He parted his lips as if to say something, looking over his shoulder back at the party. You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t worry, your friends can’t listen to what I’m saying. Your reputation will still be intact and they will still love everything that comes out of your mouth”

“Hey,” Ashton said with a bit of a bark “Don’t talk about them like that”

You pressed your lips on a tight smile, looking at him as your eyes filled with tears. You couldn’t believe that he was defending them like that from just a simple comment, but left you completely alone when they were making worse comments at you.

“Fuck, Y/N” He said, frustrated “I’m trying here, you know? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore! You don’t want to talk to me, you moved across the world. You still talk to the guys-”

“They’re my friends,”

“I was your friend too!” He shouted, surprising you “And I want this to work. I want you here, with me. But if you don’t want to be here and go back to your fucking hotel- I want us to work!”

“Why am I here, Ash?”

“C’mon, don’t be like that! I just wanted you to meet a few people, celebrate your new album-”

“Yet none of them cared to get to know me, nor you to introduce me and actually wanting to celebrate with me” You took a deep breath and sighed “Give me the keys to the house, I want to leave”

Ashton shook his head.

“You’re angry. I get that”

“No, Ash. I’m tired and I want to go to bed” You said more firmly this time “Give me the keys and I’ll call an Uber”

“I’ll take you!”

“The fuck you aren’t” You laughed, not a hint of humor in your voice “You’re high with more than just weed apparently. I’m drunk. I would rather not fucking die tonight, thank you”

“I’m not going to-”

“I don’t want you to! Okay? Fuck, Ash! I don’t feel safe around you!”

You saw the ways his eyes changed, how hurt they looked so suddenly at your words. You knew you wounded him, but it was how you felt. You didn’t trust him, not tonight.

“Y/N…” He said, getting up and walking over to you but you took a step back. He sighed, roaming around his pockets before he found his keys and gave them to you “Text me when you get there, leave the keys by the potted tree”

You answered him with a nod and a small thank you. You didn’t watch him as he turned away and walked by to the house. You didn’t hear Laura, who was watching over from the window, tell him:

“I don’t know what you did, man. But I’ve never seen anyone with such sadness in her eyes”

Damn, who are we right now? Can we have a little conversation? Figure it out with no intoxication We carry on, what is our motivation?

You woke up when you heard footsteps outside of your door. You knew it was him waiting outside, probably debating on whether or not to knock on your door, wanting to talk. There were times in the past where he would just open the door to your room and sit down on the floor next to your bed, waiting for you to start talking or acknowledge him so that he could apologize or talk things through. Sometimes you didn’t need to say anything, you just understood each other. And as he walked away without a word, you wondered where did all those times go?

Where was the friend that would go out with you and wait on the street for a cab to take you home, no matter whom he was with or what you were doing. Where was the friend that when you snuck out to your first concert, he held you close by the waist and covered your body so that none of the beer that people were throwing around got into your clothes or hair. What happened to the friend that would stay awake chatting with you on the phone even though you had an exam early the next morning, all because the guy you liked broke your heart.

Tears rolled down your face as you tossed and turned on the bed. It wasn’t fair, your heart kept begging your brain to understand. It wasn’t fair that you had to lose it all without a warning.

Once upon a time, you thought you had it all as long as Ashton was there. Now, you begin to miss the times where he wasn’t. Times where you learned to be happy without him, where you didn’t need him or his approval. Times where you felt complete even though your best friend was not around anymore. You were better off without him, and learned to live without him. You knew that to be the truth. But one just can’t ignore the past and the mystery of how the person that makes you feel such horrible things about yourself once promised to give you the world and its stars and meant it.

You just couldn’t figure it out. So you just forced yourself to go back to sleep.

When you woke up again a few hours later and made your way to the kitchen, you found freshly made coffee and bagels waiting for you on the counter with a little note next to them:

“I’m sorry, can we talk about it later? XX Ash”

You sighed as you wiped out the tears that clung to your eyelashes. You took a sip of the coffee and found comfort in the heat of the mug.

On the other side of town, Ashton was doing the same thing. His eyes were covered behind dark sunglasses as he thought of what to say once he got home. In front of him, Calum can’t say that he’s impressed from what he’s heard.

“What’s your deal?” He asked his friend.

“I- I don’t know” Ashton answered, biting the inside of his cheek “I thought she would have a good time. She was always cool at coming to those types of parties with me back home, we used to have fun”

“You and I both know she hates parties, and back home she had you. The normal, probably tipsy you, to keep her company” Calum said, taking a bite out of his sandwich “Last week I found her sitting alone while the rest of the world was having a conversation around her. We talked and it was nice, she’s not normally that outgoing on the get-go. She never was”

“You saw her last week?”

“We were invited to Gabriel’s cocktail party. You didn’t want to go, as usual”

“You never told me that-”

“What? That we’re still in contact? Dude, we all talk to her from time to time. We mention her in our conversations every now and then. She’s still our friend”

Ashton sighed, “So she just hates me for no reason?”

“You truly think that Y/N L/N could hate you?” Calum chuckled, “That girl would’ve followed you straight to the end of the world back in Aus. As far as I know, there’s only one person she truly hated”

“Who?” Ashton scoffed “I’m pretty sure our politics teacher was not so bad”

“What? No, Ash-” Calum shook his head “Remember when-” His face went blank “Oh shit,”

“What?”

“You didn’t know?”

Tell me that it's all okay You ruined everything good I've been waitin' on this all damn day Always said you were misunderstood Call me in the morning', tell me how last night went I'm here, but don't count on me to Just fucking leave me alone

He found you sitting outside in one of his garden chairs. A cigarette was hanging from your fingertips as the ashes fell on the floor in a small pile. You didn’t look back at him, for your eyes were staring at the moon that decorated the sky with its beauty.

You felt him come outside and sit on the chair next to you. The sound of a lighter made you blink, and you sighed at his exhale. There was no way he was doing this sober, and you couldn’t blame him. Yet…

“I was hoping we could talk without any of that” You said. “You have your ways and I have mines”

Silence fell over the two of you once again. You could feel his eyes burning holes into your profile, but you didn’t have the courage to look at him just yet.

“When did I stop being your best friend?” He asked.

Tears quickly covered your eyes and you hated that. “Probably around the time when you stopped being mine”

“Y/N-”

“You held me, once. Not the usual hugs that we gave each other, no. This one was different. We were at school, an overnight vigil that the nuns made us do every year”

“Those were fun,” He commented “A huge sleepover at school”

“The theme was about lost ones, remember? I had just lost my grandma that past week”

“I wasn’t at the funeral, I was away on a trip to the city. She was the one that taught you how to bake”

“Yeah,” You chuckled. “Though, I was never good at it once she passed. Anyway, of course I started crying. I’ve already lost so many people back then, and I was barely hanging on. But then - then you held me, so tightly. And my tears left a damp stamp on your shirt. You cradled me and brushed my hair with your fingers and whispered “It’ll be okay, you can cry. It’s okay” and kissed my head as they started to sing. You sang as well and never said a thing about it afterwards. That was the moment I knew I couldn’t have loved you more”

The sound of a cricket broke your monologue, and you allowed yourselves to be fed into the sounds of nature for a while. You knew there were still things left unsaid, so you better get over with it now rather than later. You didn’t want to stay for the aftermath.

“Remember the first time you came back to Australia? I was still living there in the house we grew up in. I was having a shitty day at work, so I went to grab a coffee at our favorite coffee shop with other coworkers when a few of our old friends and classmates came through the door. We said our hellos and caught up, it was nice. Then they had to go. “Who’s coming with me to Ash’s house?” One of them said. I remember asking about it as they argued over who had to take the bus or a cab. They told me you were coming back that day and have invited people over to celebrate”

“Y/N,”

“You invited them. Even people I didn’t know that well and that I know for a fact didn’t know you as well. And don’t try to tell me it was a guys thing, cause you invited girl classmates as well”

Ashton opened his mouth to say something, yet nothing came out. “I was numb as I took a taxi home. I still remember that the radio played “Waiting for Superman” as I tried my hardest not to cry. But when I got into the kitchen, I just couldn’t stop. I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that you were just a door away but didn’t want me there”

“Y/N, I wanted you there” He said, putting his hand on your arm as he leaned closer “I - I know I can’t say anything to fix it now but- I missed you, too”

“It didn’t seem like it” You told him “Every time I learned something about you back then was through a story or a tweet. I learned through the paparazzi who you were with and in which city you were going to sleep next. I saw you living your best life with your friends away from home. And, I get it, we both resented that place and all that we suffered while we were there. I just - I just hoped that my memory was something worth saving, cause my memory of you always was and will always be the best thing that’s happened to me while we were there”

You turned to him and looked him in the eyes “It just hurt to know that while I put you on a pedestal, I was already out of your sight”

“Baby, you know that’s not true” You scoffed “I swear! In my memory, you were always there! Front of the line!”

“Then why-?”

“I was scared, okay?!” He shouted, lowering his eyes in shame “So fucking scared and it’s so stupid!”

“Scared of what?!” You shouted back, willing for him to look you in the eyes “Ashton, for god’s sake just tell me!”

“They told me that you liked me!”

For a moment time stood still. You backed away from him as his words started to make sense. You pulled away your arm, letting his hand grasp the space that you left between the two of you.

“What?”

“People started whispering,” He said, his voice broken as if he were crying “Telling me how good of a couple we could be. How happy you were with me and how in love you looked”

“When was it?”

“At the beginning of our senior year” Ashton admitted, ashamed “I- I already knew that I wanted to get out of Australia. I knew that with the guys we could take the band somewhere massive. So I put my whole soul into it, trying to escape the feelings that would pull me back”

“You thought I was pulling you back” You stated, betrayed.

“No! I was pulling myself back by thinking about it!” Ashton said, finally looking at you and hating the way you were looking at him “I couldn’t risk it”

“Couldn’t risk what?! That I could have feelings for you?!” You stood up “You’re unbelievable! You could’ve asked me! Come to me instead of running away and make me lose part of myself in the process. Parts that I can’t take back, that I can’t love back because of you”

“Y/N!” He tried reaching out to you, but you took a step back.

“No!”

“Y/N, please! Just-!”

He grabbed you by the elbow and pulled you to him. The movement made you lose your balance, tripping over your feet as Ashton maneuvered you to land on top of his lap, holding you by your waist.

The sudden proximity made you lose all the air inside your lungs as you looked at him and his hazel eyes surrounded by red. He looked desperate, pleading with his eyes for something you couldn’t understand. He was breathing hard, his chest colliding against yours where your heartbeats were going as fast as your thoughts. Almost impossible to catch up.

Then, almost without thinking, Ashton launched himself forward and pressed his lips on yours.

The softness of the kiss contrasted the chills that ran up and down your bodies. As you gasped for air, his hand came to tangle itself on your hair, pulling you closer to him as you allowed him to deepen the kiss. He sat back on the chair and pulled you with him, making your legs spread at either side of his hips; never once letting you go as he kissed you over and over again, like a man deprived of something more.

“Y/N,” He whimpered against your lips, making you sigh as his hands roamed your body until they landed on your hips, moving them against lower half “Y/N, please”

Your mind was clouded in smoke, feeling the heat of his kiss along the length of your neck. His words whispered your name, as his movements on your hips became erratic, letting you feel all of him under you.

“Please, please Y/N” He said, kissing and kissing and kissing every part he could find “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”

Suddenly, you opened your eyes as you jumped back to reality. Putting a hand on his chest and pulling away from him. Both of you were left panting, as your skin tingled from the contact.

Ashton’s eyes were desperate, looking at you in fear of what you might do. His lips - you imagined - were a mirror of yours, plumb and beat red as your name escaped him in the form of a question. You closed your eyes and let a tear fall across your cheek as you shook your head.

“You don’t get to do this to me” Your voice, a whisper.

“What?” He asked, almost out of breath. But you were already getting off him and turning your step back to the house.

“You don’t get to do this to me!” You yelled through the tears “You don’t get to confuse me all over again. You don’t get to have a half-ass apology followed by a kiss that would make it all better!” You turned to him, poking a finger on his chest “You don’t get to make me hate myself all over again for loving you when you didn’t think it was convenient for you!”

“Y/N!” Ashton pleaded, taking your hand in his before you yanked it away “I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking-!”

“Exactly! You weren’t thinking! You never, not once, thought of me during all of this. Fucking admit it! Trying to get me to come here to patch things up was just such bullshit! You just wanted to make sure that I was still available for you any time you wanted! And don’t say it isn’t fair cause you were not aware of how miserable you made me!”

“That’s not true-”

“Was this just a plot to get me to bed?! Is that what you think of me now?!”

“It’s not true!” Ashton yelled “I know I made a mistake and I’m so fucking sorry! I should’ve never-! Look, I want to patch things up. You were right, goddammit, Y/N, you were right! It took me a long time to realize and fuck! After you moved away I was fucking miserable as well! I- I failed you”

You stood there in front of him, crying silently as he paced desperately.

“Ashton,” You called to him “Ashton, why am I here?”

Suddenly, he stopped and looked at you “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“About what?”

“For fuck’s- About the fact that you were abused, Y/N!” He yelled, leaving you speechless “Right after I left! Why didn’t you say anything?!”

You swallowed hard “It was none of your business-”

“You told Calum” He accused “You told Calum and you never told me. Why? Maybe it was not just me who was a shitty friend to you, after all, if you were going to keep things like that from me”

“How fucking dare you, Ashton Irwin. How fucking dare you?” You pushed him away “I told Calum by mistake! I didn’t mean to do it and it was years after it happened. And because I didn’t think you would care!”

“What?” He broke down, putting his hands on his knees for balance as he looked at you in tears “How- Why would you think that?”

“Because it’s the truth,” You cried “Just like you said, you had big dreams and a massive opportunity and I was just going to pull you back. Ashton, you just justified everything I thought it was true with that sentence”

“Y/N-”

“Do you think I had a good time? Knowing that my best friend, the only person I cared about in the world didn’t give a fuck about me to even ask how I was doing? So if you really wanna know… I don’t relate to you anymore. I don’t. I don’t want to think about what we had anymore because it just makes me fucking sad. I thought the world of you. Ash, you were my everything. I loved you, as a friend. I loved you, as the sun loves the moon even when it’s gone. I loved you with every prayer, every pleading, every move I made was for that one day I could be with you again, anyway that you would have me. I would’ve died a thousand times next to you, just as long as you kept me company. I didn’t care about what could happen to me. And when something happened, I tried to spare you from it, even when you never once asked. Fuck! I moved to L.A and this is the first time I’ve been in your house!”

“That’s-”

“I wish I could explain it better, I wish it wasn’t true. I wish we could’ve resolved this somehow, but let’s be honest. There is no bridge to burn when we're already so far away. And those memories? From all those years back? Now it all feels like a lie and don’t you dare say otherwise. You’re not the person I once knew, Ash. The person I once knew would’ve never invited me here to leave me alone at a party with people I don’t know, saying a cute lie about how it was for me when in reality it was to make you look a certain way. The person I once knew would’ve never made me feel like nothing every time we were at an event together and you couldn’t even say hi. The person I once knew would’ve never let their “friends” disrespect me in any way. The Ashton I knew wouldn’t have tried to make me feel sad. He wouldn’t have made me so miserable to be in my own skin because they’re not brave enough to face the music he so highly speaks about. You never once showed support for what I do once I became my own person. You never once called to ask how I was. You never once believed in me as much as I believed in you. You made me hate this city. But even more, you made me hate everything I used to love about us. Now I meet someone new and wondered if it’ll be like what we had. You ruined me, Ash. And you never apologized for it”

Ashton was shaking his head, crying as he listened to what you had to say.

After you had your feelings heard, you didn’t walk away or ran through the door so that you could escape the aftermath like you did back in December all those years ago. You were not going to run away again. Not when your heart finally felt light from all the things you’ve been carrying.

You and Ashton cried in silence, each one at one side of the room.

The two of you couldn’t help but wonder what had happened and why did it end up like this? You could play the blaming game; pretend this never happened; you could walk out and never see each other again; or, you could just stand there, waiting, digesting the sour words that fell from both your lips and think, think of anything that could be saved.

“What are we going to do?” Ashton finally asked, voice hoarse from the crying.

“I don’t know,” You answered in all honesty “It’s like we only play to lose”

“Every time,” He said, looking at you and giving a small chuckle. “Every time I see you it just hurts. Not for anything you’ve done, but for everything that I could’ve done but didn’t”

“Maybe it was for the best to have it end this way”

“But… I don’t want it to.” Ashton admitted in a whisper “Now that you’re here… I kept on failing cause I wanted to prove to myself that I still knew you”

You laughed “Who are we, Ash?” you asked “A girl that chases over the past and a boy with the excuse?”

“How the hell we’re going to make it?”

“Maybe we don’t” You shrugged “Maybe we’re just meant to be passing figures on the street. People we once knew. We can’t go back from this, Ash, and you know it. We’re just going to keep hurting each other”

Ashton nodded, walking over to you as you let yourself be embraced by a hug.

“I love you, Y/N. I will always love you”

“Terribly” You murmured against his chest “I will love you all my life, Ash. And I’ll miss you forever”

“Tell me that it’ll be okay? Please?”

You smiled and placed a small kiss on his chest, and held him tighter. And he knew.

He knew.

*

*

tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @irwin-fletcher-ash @wiiildflowerrr @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @in-superbloom @sadcupofcoffee @personalmuyverypersonal @as-hs-blog @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @weasleytwinscumslut @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @youneedtocalumdown @heyitskelseaj @ashtonsunflower @calumspupils@secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @whywontyoulovemecami @theimpossiblehologramtree @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @bookthingz @gracieboogirl @fastandtheformula1 @lendeluxe

[memberment]

Good evening

Guys I just got home from work and proofread everything I needed to including this next Dandelion chapter and I'm trying so hard not to just fucking SOB over it.

I hate it here I want out LMFAOOOOOOO THIS IS SO SAD WHY DID I WRITE THIS FR

10:59 update......

I'm thinking about an absolutely diabolical twist for the Trin series(it doesn't actually change the story in any way, if anything it actually makes it make so much more sense). Like, I've been ruminating on it since last night but idk if it's gonna throw people off. But at the same time like part twos and threes never do as good anyways so do I really even care?? Like, I'm just out here telling stories in fanfic font bc I would rather throw myself in the street than make OCs and not share my fun little stories.

I think I may commit to it.

I don't wanna say it on here though bc it's one of those plot twists you get will not forget even though part three is like FOREVER out.

The more I think about it the more I wanna do it. Someone tell me I should do it.

Oh my god I am shutting up and finishing reading Dandelion, y'all will hear my virtual screams in approximately one and a half business hours.

(11:43) I'm actually fucking sobbing and I didn't even start the last few chapters. Like, I'm actually crying over this. It's not funny.

(12:00) Never by mag lo coming on while I'm finishing up reading this is not funny. I'm devastated. I hope you all hate me after this oh my god I feel like I just ruined my own life. WHY IS IT SO MUCH WORSE AFTER BEING DONE WITH THIS FIC FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS. Jesus Christ. Yeah. No more angst from me for a long while. I'm banned.

(12:20) Me skimming through tags on fics debating if I want to pick up something new. Everything being totally normal. Suh happy. Trying not to stew in my own misery. And then I see such a vile tag my stomach twists and now I'm just like okay I'll go fuck myself I guess I'll go write or do my homework. I'm sorry, I adore ao3 and I'm never gonna be a hater, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE WILD. LIKE I AM TALKING SO BAD I'M ACTUALLY CONSIDERING DOING MY HOMEWORK OVER THAT. LIKE I ACTUALLY JUST WIPED THE TEARS OFF MY FACE AND GOT OVER HOW SAD I WAS BECAUSE OF HOW GENUINELY SHOCKED I WAS. Like wow oh wow.

Anyways. Updates here if there's gonna be any. Also Dandelions up if anyones reading this LMAO

It's 1:40 in the morning and the beginning of Morning Glory is making me fucking unwell. I was not joking when I made that joke about like ten dreaded weeks of angst, Jesus Christ.

(2:12) This is my second time posting this exact part. Like I know I've posted this exact part. But I seriously love Christophe and all of his dialogue with my whole heart.

(4:31) I do not recall making Dova this tragic and I'm literally about to sob over him. LIKE WHY???? WHY DID I DO THAT??? WHY ARE HIS LITTLE SUBTLE BITS OF STORYLINE SO ACTUALLY PAINFUL AS THE STORY GOES ON????? (I am allergic to happiness I am my own canon event at this point)

(4:48) THE ABSOLUTE DEVASTATION THAT COMES WITH WANTING MORE STORY BUT IT SIMPLY NOT EXISTING BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT IS DEVASTATING.

(5:02) Welp. I'm ruined and am now compelled by god to start working on Morning Glory again. We're at 73k rn. And only two chapters that aren't the prologue are under 4k. That's fucking terrifying. Like I have 17 minus the prologue rn. WE ARE LITERALLY THREE CHAPTERS AWAY FROM THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ANOTHER 16/17 OF SUMMER ALONE. AND THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER 14 AFTER THAT. LIKE THE 14 ARE THE PLANNED SPECIFIC EVENT CHAPTERS. BRUH. WHY DID I DO THIS????

regret.

regret is all I feel.

but I will push through.

(7:38) before I go to bed I will just say I am at 75.3k. I had no idea how I would even get close to 4k on a birthday chapter where the group effectively decided to just stay home and hang out. But now there is like 1.5k of them playing muffin time. It's wild. I love it. GOOD NIGHT.

[spider-jaysart]

What was the last comic you read & your least favorite?

@pin-crusher2000

Last comic:

Supersons haha, because I love rereading it

Least favorite:

Ooooh sooooo many!!!😤

(Incoming spoilers about some of them btw, in case you plan on reading some of these)

1. The comic that Bendis wrote, which caused Jon's whole age up and then changed everything for him in his life in main comics after that

2. The Supersons comic that starred the older, current version of the boys, because even though it was supposed to be like "Oh look fans! The boys are back!!", It just wasn't the same since DC already messed things up. And there were also some ooc moments inside the book too in a way where it felt like they swapped a bit of personalities🤨, which was pretty odd and didnt help so much for the enjoyment either

3. Don't know if you know this video game series or not, but it's called Telltales the walking dead games, and after the series ended, a comic series called Clementine was released a while after that and it's all so horrible, because it ruins everything about Clementine (the main character) and the good ending she had in the last game, making all the struggles she went through in her survival journey over the years to keep living and hopefully find peace one day seem like it was all actually for nothing. The writer doesn't understand her at all and mischaracterizes her so much that it's super annoying!! I HATE that book so much!!!😤😤 That is not my Clementine, just Tangerine

4. The Legion of heroes comic where they met Damian, because the way they treated and spoke about him, especially right in front of him and also Jon who they know is his friend, was just so disgusting to see and I was disappointed in the way Jon handled it and how he still joined their team after that AND the fact that he still dated Saturn girl too. His written reaction during that moment just wasn't enough, because I believe he should've been way more mad about it all, lost some respected interest in their group, and have his feelings on Saturn girl really changed up afterwards, which he would've been right for and it fits his character better because he's protective of his loved ones like that

5. Marvel zombies. I've never read it before, so I can't say if anythings wrong with it, since I don't know how most of it's story throughout the series goes to actually say if it has good or bad writing, but I just hate whenever I see it, because it's all just really gross and too messed up for me. Don't get me wrong though, because I love apocalypse stories, they're my faves, it's just that looking at this series and the stuff that happens on page feels a bit too much for me

6. Beast Boy by Kami Garcia.

Idk if this counts enough to be added into the list, cause the book was good, it was fine, it's just an annoying thing that stuck with me that changes my view on the book whenever I reread it now, because Beast boy seemed like he was genuinely really into the popular girl in the story, but then at the end it turned out he was actually just using her to get the feel of being popular and that just didn't sit so well with me when I read that part, because that just only makes it look like that's all he ever really wanted from her now and wasn't actually interested fr, even when he did look like it. Then he just runs off onto an adventure in the end after admitting to his friends that he didn't actually care that much about her anymore, just when he had finally gotten her invested in him and it's like, dude, what the heck??? That's how you handle it????

7. "Beast boy loves Raven" and "Robin" both by Kami Garcia

These are both also fine stories, it's just another thing about one of the romances, which doesn't let me really get through the books so well the way I want to. Damian falls for Raven's sister in "Beast boy loves Raven", a little too quickly tbh, and soon starts dating her, which is continued in "Robin" (because ofc he does, he can never just be a single kid that's not being set up everytime with whatever same age girl they can throw at him or just can't be left not crushing on some mature woman who's way too old for him, which is just icky whenever that happens). It feels weird because he's instantly into her the second they meet without him getting to know her, he's flirting right away back with her when he doesn't actually get like that in canon and mostly keeps his feelings to himself when it comes to crushes since he's reserved, and then he begins dating her after not too long and then they're pretty close and so cutesy playful as a couple, which should be fine, but it's just the way it's done that feels off to me loll, and I'm not so sure how to exactly explain the vibe, like it's too overly sweet in a way that's just not fitting because it was kind of quick and Damian seemed way too expressive with it a lot??? Probably not the right way to say it, idk lmaooo, but a friend of mines also understands and feels the same on the whole topic here. Like, it all just feels ooc on Damian's part the way his character there handles the whole thing. And this is not because I'm a Damijon fan loll, cause even if it was Jon in the love interest role instead of Raven's sister in the two books, I wouldn't want it to be rushed either. I would want Damian to have to get to know him better too before actually developing any romantic feelings and showing any signs of interest in him, and after a good while of getting to do that, then he grows more comfortable around him and they start dating later, cause that would fit his character better and would make the cute, playfulness feel more fitting in the relationship and seem more natural since they've already gotten close enough to be that way. It's one of the reasons why I like Damijon lol, because they're both already so close in their friendship, that dating could work between them so well. Once again though, this is all just my opinion that I'm expressing

8. I am not Starfire

That book is just so dumb lmaooo, only the art is good. Mandy, the daughter of Starfire, is an annoying, spoiled child who only envies and disrespects her Mother, makes everything about herself, gets too mad about everything for no good reason, and she doesn't even share any Tamaranean features with Starfire in looks either, except for the green eyes and very normal looking ginger hair, like seriously??? Dick is obviously the Dad, but he won't step up to get involved at all and pretends this isn't his problem, and I hate that this a trope that keeps happening whenever Dick and Starfire have kids with eachother, one of them gets taken away or either just leaves the other on their own to deal with everything, which sucks, because they should be able to be a happy family all together already where the kids grow up with them both in their lives, not more of this. Anyways, besides those mentioned things, everything else in this book is also very annoying and makes no sense too and it's not worth the read at all because of it

9. The Injustice crossover with Jon

Most of that book was annoying, like for example when Injustice!Clark broke Jay's arm and then Jon threateningly went into Ultra power mode just to....give Clark a hug for it. Like wtf lmaoooo???? He was overly playing pacifist and it was so, so stupidly silly. And I don't even know what's going on in that universe now after he left it, like that's how much of nothing he did in there, except get sassy with everyone and try befriending Injustice!Damian lolll, which made things feel like a literal waste of time in the crossover when it seemed like he would actually try changing things up in there somehow

Okay, so I think that's it for now, cause I can't think of anymore books at the moment lol, so thanks for the ask, crusher! I like that I got to express about some of these! :)

(I apologize if these rants were a bit much btw, I just get like that sometimes because I don't get to do it enough😅, so, sorry about that, unless you're fine with it though and actually like reading that, which is awesome then, cause then I've got a good listener loll)

[deeply-unserious-fellow]

No okay bcuz actually I DO want to explain my thoughts from this post here because I love analyzing things and I think talking abt Vox's relationships thru the lens of "this is just like Buffy fr fr" could be fun :)

FIRST OFF: VoxVal as Spike & Drusilla. I do not know their ship name and tbh I'm probably never gonna talk about them again so whooooo cares. To state the obvious, in this situation Vox is Spike and Val is Dru. Now, it's been awhile since I've watched Buffy, but from what I remember, Spike & Drusilla really are THE toxic villain couple, in that they're both like. Not very good to or for eachother, all things considered, but goddamnit they love eachother SO MUCH- which really is the generous interpretation of Staticmoth. I'm not gonna go super in depth into the fucking. Is Staticmoth abusive debate rn. Because I have one million other posts that make my stance on that pretty clear I think. But the uh... nicer interpretation of their relationship is very much Spike & Drusilla I think. Like right down to the headcannon of Vox liking how Val's shit eyesight & temper tantrums makes him kind of dependent on him. Again, could be misremembering, but based off of how Spike was w/ Dru while she was weakened(and based off of how he rebounded w/ Harmony of all people 💀), I get the distinct vibe that, despite his frustrations, Spike did like having somebody relying on him the way Dru(and later Harmony) did. Vox def seems like the type of guy that would get a kick out of feeling Needed and Relied On(why else would he literally route the entire Pride rings power grid through himself-), and Valentino is. Well. Valentino. I'm not gonna go over their interaction before Stayed Gone because it makes me ~genuinely uncomfortable~ for reasons I have, once again, gone into in depth before, but suffice it to say that it's definitely in character for Vox to be into Val relying on him like that. Oh also, like somebody pointed out in the reblogs on the original post, the reason Spike & Dru broke up from s3 all the way to their reunion in s5 is that she cheated on him and that's. Yeah that sounds about right.

And second, the Staticradio twins: Spuffy and Spangel. Why the fuck did I call them the Staticradio twins? I don't know I'm tired as shit and just used most of my brain power on the VoxVal segment now get off my back- anyways, these two are actually pretty easy to explain so I'll just get right into it! Most of the similarities between Staticradio and Spuffy can really be summed up in the song Reat In Peace from Buffy's musical episode. One-sided, obsessive crush on someone who you know deep down will probably never reciprocate. You want them to just leave you the fuck alone and stay gone(hahahahahahahahah), but they just. Aren't. Like even the bits about being a dead guy without a heart beat are spot on because Vox is a motherfuckin DEMON who is a ROBOT!!!!!!! Also the Alastor Body Pillow fanon(which IS fanon. It is. I'm sorry to say but that wasn't a thing on the Instagrams y'all-) does line up with the uh. The Buffy sex bot- it does line up with the Buffy sex bot. Anyways moving on to the Spangel section-

"You were my sire man!" - Spike, to Angel, in his introduction episode. I don't remember if this was retconned in season 5(or 6?) to be Dru siring Spike? It might've been. But for the sake of this post lets pretend it wasn't. Angel was basically Spike's mentor for a lot of their time together pre-show. They ran around in their weird little vampire polycule causing problems for everyone and life was good! Then Angel got cursed. Bro got a soul and then ran away for years without a word to anyone. Then, cut to current day, and Spike is hyped to see him right up to the point he realizes Angel has Changed. And from that point onward to two are RIVALS!!!!! Narrative foils, even. And while it isn't exactly the same as Alastor and Vox's history, it's pretty damn similar right!? Al was(presumably) Vox's friend and mentor for YEARS, like to the point of being comfortable taking a picture with him. Then something happens between them, causing a rivalry to form. Throw somewhere in the mix Al's deal & him fucking off for 7 years... it's like the same pieces being put together in a new way to make a different puzzle. Is Rosie Darla in this analogy? Unclear. Val is still Dru though. Do y'all get where I'm coming from? It's far, FAR from the same thing, like there are so many fucking differences and that's just going off of the stuff we DO know(I want to know more god I can't wait for season 2-), but the dynamics ARE similar. They're narrative foils with a deep history w/ eachother where they were probably-definitely friends, something caused them to become RIVALS, and also one of them is cursed and dissappeared for several years-

Whoo boy this got kinda incoherent- Anyways, that brings me to my brand new fun and interesting point: Vox and Spike are kinda similar characters. They're both antagonists who wanna be Big Tough Scary guys so bad, and like. They are. They are big tough AND scary. Sometimes. But for the vast majority of their screen time, their emotions, capacity for love(no matter how twisted their version of love is), and the consequences of that love going wrong continually get the better of them and cause them to look to us, the audience, like silly pathetic wet cats we found on the side of the road. Then they get Weird about it(Vox's "rivalry" w/ Angel and the. Buffy sex bot.) and we remember oh yeah this guy is EVIL! They also both wear long jackets and are bisexual :)

[malinaa]

TOP 9 BOOKS

tagged : @hmsharmony ty jennifer this was SOOO hard oh my god like. genuinely agonized me for days to think about what to choose but it was SOOO fun tho <3 tagging : @rosesau | @evcndiaz | @pendrgcn | @gayarthur | @the-tenth-arcanum | @oretsev | @wherepoetsdie | @bellamyblakru | @ryekat & anyone else who wants to do it !!! rules : list your top 9 books obviously. i cheated a little and put series as as one option because that's just who i am as a person. most of these i chose at random from my 5 star reads from the past few years btw

1. percy jackson and the olympians (series) by rick riordan

i was never a big reader in elementary school—or at least not to the extent that my classmates had been. my sixth grade english class required us to bring a personal book from home for silent reading and i stole my brother's spine-cracked copies of pjo and brought them to class. i finished the whole series in less than a school week (i had to scramble to the library to pick up another series because the single novel should have lasted me at least three weeks). pjo literally kickstarted my love for reading as a hobby and i truly don't know how to state the importance it had on my little ten-year-old brain fr

2. on earth we're briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong

i have never read a book more beautiful in prose and so uncommonly human than this. there's just something so incredibly heartbreaking knowing this whole book is the narrator's letter to his mother who can't read! like what the fuck

3. alone with you in the ether by olivie blake

this came as a surprise to Me when i first read it. i meandered through the first quarter, loving the writing style but feeling disconnected from the characters until the Church Hand Scene™ and it was hook, line, and sinker at that point (i have since come to love the disconnectedness in subsequent rereads, knowing that the feeling was the Point). i have read this book four (4) times since i read it first last year. LAST YEAR!!! olivie has like... fundamentally altered my brain chemistry or something because i feel like everything i have written since having read this book has been somewhat influenced by it.

4. much ado about nothing by william shakespeare

what can i say! this is theeeeeee romcom ever. i have watched so many adaptations of this play, read it countless of times and can recite some iconic lines, and still the banter between benedick and beatrice is sooo elite. cannot be topped!!

5. a place for us by fatima farheen mirza

fun fact: seed rec'd this book to me and has been reccing it to anybody who would listen. the prose is so lush and melancholic. it's one of those books where nothing Really happens, but you feel Every Emotion Under The Sun and you're just like. altered by reading it

6. the song of achilles by madeline miller

obviously.... OBVIOUSLYYYYYYY this had to go here. if i had two nickels for every greek myth retelling i read during school that fundamentally changed me etc etc u get it. i read this as a junior in high school when we, yet again, had to bring a personal book to read durin class. i think at that point of my life, i've never read something that tragic yet so beautiful at the same time and now i am always looking at the beautiful and tragic in media. so! there u go! brain cells rewired and whatnot!

7. the grisha trilogy by leigh bardugo

this is funny because i . technically did not rate any of these books 5 stars i'm sobbing. but like, considering the fact that my url is what it is and the way i always have them in the back of my mind, it's no wonder that i put them here. i have such an odd attachment to these books and these characters. i had copies of these books since their release but didn't touch them until ... before the sab tv release which is so fucking funny. like i don't know what i would be like if i read this as a t(w)een. i would've been so fucking insufferable ngl

8. when my brother was an aztec by natalie diaz

i actually read this for an assignment and had to write a report on it and i had SO much fun doing it. diaz plays a lot with hunger and her imagery is literally unmatched. i think about the way she contructs sentences and am filled with such envy. my beginning sentence for my paper was a nod to her style (though i failed miserably). it was: "in a paradoxical sleight of hand, hunger feeds in natalie diaz's debut." she is just. so fucking good at words i need to CHOMP on it

9. sharp objects by gillian flynn

you know the thing where you see a really popular author for a really long time and they have their work adapted to the screen and it's so good but you still haven't read their actual writing? yeah, that was me with gillian flynn (specifically about gone girl). i read gone girl, i read sharp objects, i read her short story the grownup, i'm currently reading the last novel of hers that i haven't read, dark places, and flynn is just so... incredibly good at constructing harrowing stories. it's no wonder why all three of her novels got adapted to the screen! her prose is so grounded. vivid. there's this ease to her writing that, whenever i concurrently read another novel, i always find the other piece to be lacking. i slink back to flynn's prose and immerse myself in her awful, human worlds.

[thegeminisage]

for never have i ever: amnesia?

HIII thank you both <333

never have i ever written amnesia, believe it or not, even though i'm a HUGE fan, as in, it's my number one bestie. actually, no, i sort of have to take that back...i've lowkey written amnesia INTO larger stuff, but never an amnesia fic on its own. so there's been: a couple of da kmeme fills with fenris who has amnesia (they're lost to the sands of time now), ben originally had amnesia during his djinn dream in @cambionverse (but it got cut and revised), and i wrote derek as having amnesia about his encounters with jennifer in anchor. but not an Actual Amnesia Fic. every time i try to think about how i'd want to do it i sort of...blank out? there's so many ways to do it i get too excited and want to do all of them at once and then something else comes along and grabs my attention. i can't tell you how many times i tried to toss around a leverage amnesia fic and just couldn't settle anywhere.

so, just off the top of my head, as a thought experiment...i'd want it to be trek because that's what i'm into rn. i actually started to formulate this as a generations fixit (kirk in the nexus can't remember his old life/that he died/something something + spock and bones pull him out) but there's a small, small, SMALL chance i might ACTUALLY write a generations fixit (sans amnesia, sadly) so i don't want to do it here and accidentally make myself less likely to do it fr in the future.

my second choice is kira/odo because i have been thinking about them nonstop for a WEEK, possibly longer. since you can't have amnesia without brainwashing, i would have odo get mindwiped and carted back to the founders or whatever. and since it's my fic and i can do what i want odo remembers like, ds9's weak points and security routines but he doesn't remember any of the people or being friends with them. so he's like helping the bad guys do evil bad guy stuff or whatever and then when the good guys are almost beat they board the defiant and he and kira are fighting until she says something important and just as she's about to go down for good he oh my fucking god i'm just rewriting the winter soldier. god damn it. maybe this is the real reason i've ever done an amnesia fic. embarrassing. winter soldier wasn't the thing that introduced me to a love of brainwashed amnesiac assassins but it is the thing that made me crazy about them. ANYWAY. let me try again.

so odo gets his memories wiped so he'll return to that great collective or whatever. and he learns what it means to Be A Changeling. he can perfect the human face like that other evil changeling that i hate. so he doesn't look like odo anymore when he changes into a humanoid form, but also he doesn't do that because THEY only did that to communicate with him and kira, so he doesn't even NEED a humanoid form. and he's like yay im so happy here i love being a changeling :) except when somebody stumbles onto their asteroid or he needs to open a door or whatever requires a humanoid form...he just winds up becoming kira. and maybe he catches sight of his/kira's face in the reflection on the water or something and is like Whoa...who is That and that other changeling lady is like dw about it come back to the goop so he does but he also keeps insisting he can't have made that form w/o seeing her and he wants to know where. and since he's got such a good sixth sense about solving unsolved mysteries he solves his own mystery of who he is and how he got there. meanwhile the ds9 gang are searching EVERYWHEREEE for him and when they finally go check the asteroid odo goes out to meet them in kiraform and is very surprised to see. kira. and everybody else is like who tf is this why is this changeling pretending to be kira but kira knows Right Away it HAS to be odo and so they recognize each other even when they aren't able to recognize each other, which is basically the same thing that happened when they met. and odo either intimidates that other changeling into giving his memories back or he remembers on his own and they leave together and live happily ever after.

WHEW. you guys thought you were throwing me softballs but i was sweating bullets over that thing. kiraodo winter soldier au would be fun as hell though don't lie

[ASK MEME]

[sugar-omi]

(swiftie asker) OH MY GOD YOU GET IT. YOU UNDERSTAND. THIS IS ... EVERYTHING??? THIS IS THE MOMENT????? THIS IS ALL THAT EVER WAS AND ALL THAT EVER WILL BE???????? HELLO???????????? your english teacher is so based for that btw i know damn well i'd be digging claw marks into that desk DKJNCFJ

IF THERE WAS EVER ANYBODY WHO UNDERSTOOD BAXTER WARD IT WOULD BE YOU. BECAUSE YOU FUCKING GET IT, YOU UNDERSTAND THE ASSIGNMENT AND YOU RAN WITH IT LIKE THE GODDAMN WIND. "promises oceans deep, but never to keep" OUGHNGGFJGH IT'S SO BAXTER . ESPECIALLY SINCE ANY OCEAN MOTIF OF ANY KIND IMMEDIATELY ROLLS IN THOUGHTS OF COVE....... FUCKKK DUDE

dude. LOML /IS/ BAXTER CODED HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS??? "you cinephile in black and white", "in your suit and tie, in the nick of time", "MR. STEAL YOUR GIRL, THEN MAKE HER CRY"... how did i not see this before what the fuck . ???!?! i'm a fake fan fr /j ...

no but seriously. THE WAY THE SONG HAS REFERENCES TO ILLICIT AFFAIRS, YET ANOTHER BAXTER/MC CODED SONG??? the connection between illicit affairs's "they lie and they lie and they lie a million little times" and loml's "you told me i'm the love of your life about a million times" FUCK DUDE I'M CONVINCED TAYLOR KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING WHEN SHE RELEASED THESE TRACKS BECAUSE IT'S JUST TOO PERFECT.

"i wish i could un-recall how we almost had it all" and "you're the love/loss of my life" as both baxter AND mc mourning what could have been if they were two different people...if they'd met under different circumstances, in different periods of their lives. if they had one, two, a thousand more chances to get it right. if they weren't built to fall apart - destined to find and then lose each other as if it was nothing. if mc is the moon and cove is the sun, then baxter is the ever-buoying ocean - destined to forever reflect their light and be swayed from shore to shore by mc's magnetic pull - but the way they dip below his horizons by dawn as if melting into him, it's nothing more than the illusion of touch; the ghost of something he might have had once but can't hope to yearn for again.

OKAY I THINK I'VE BEEN RAMBLING WAY TOO MUCH FOR A COMFORTABLE-TO-READ TUMBLR ASK SKJDFKDFJD... truly i will never get over how you just took my silly little thoughts and absolutely TOOK OFF with them, i'll literally never be the same after "that'd be too selfish. he couldn't be that selfish." DUDE LIVES WERE CHANGED. PEOPLE DIED. (it's me, i'm people) so all of this is just to say YOU HAVE DONE IT ONCE AGAIN . ABSOLUTE ICON . 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

"if mc is the moon and cove is the sun, then baxter is the ever-buoying ocean - destined to forever reflect their light" + ".. the way they dip below his horizons by dawn as if melting into him, it's nothing more than the illusion of touch; the ghost of something he might have had once but can't hope to yearn for again."

IS FUCKING CRAZY. OH MY GOD. IM GOING TO SOB??? IM.. IM ON THE FLOOR?? THE WALL???? SHIT, MY LIFE WAS CHANGED JUST NOW AFTER THAT PARAGRAPH. WHAT THE FUCK. like excuse me while i go tattoo such a GUT WRENCHING BUT SO BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN, SUCH A POETIC PARAGRAPH ON MY EYELIDS !!!!!

AND YES YES YES "you're the loss of my life" IS FUCKING CRAZY. I WAS GRIPPING MY STUFFED ANIMAL WITH BOTH HANDS. THAT WAS SO CRAZY N SO FUCKING TRUE

IN FACT. THATS LITERALLY BAXTER'S LINE???? baxter meeting you again, be it when you help plan scott and jude's wedding or when you marry cove, THAT IS HIS FUCKING LINE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM..

literally screaming rn, i will not be able to sleep at all omg... i'm gonna be thinking about that reflecting their light line all fucking night... LIKE I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE IM EXAGGERATING BUT I AM GENUINELY SHAKEN /POS. YOU HAVE ME IN A DEATH GRIP RN ISTG

i love your mind. my writing freak as been matched. you are brilliant 😭👏👏👏👏

also im trying to listen to more of the songs on ttpd but istg i cannot hear if i cant see words so im checking the lyrics and. THE SMALLEST MAN TO EVER LIVED? BAXTER CODED ANDI NEED YOU TO HEAR ME OUT

"was any of it true? / gazing at me starry-eyed in your jehovah witness suit / who the fuck was that guy?" + "and i dont even want you back, i just want to know / if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal"

THAT LINE. "i just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal" THIS IS SO PERFECT FOR IF YOURE STILL MAD AT BAXTER EVEN 5 YEARS LATER.

and listen, i have somewhere to be in the morning so i can't wax poetry abt this line right now, imma type some shit up later bc i am going CRAZY but literally even though baxter gave you such a lovely time, and even though you knew it was going to end. even though you hoped he'd stay for awhile..

the way he wraps you up in his arms so sweetly, smiles at you so handsomely... he has you hooked on him like a drug only to turn you away, blame you for your addiction to him. blamed you for still yearning for the temporary but euphoric effects of his love...

[codename-adler]

[Haikyū!!] DIY Ask Game

doing this myself bc i'm anxious and making lists makes me feel safe. also bc sometimes you want to answer ask games so bad but nobody sends them...... eh.

First character you liked: Tanaka, my funny bald hype man. He still manages to have soft spot in my heart, to this day, and always. Truly underrated, imo.

Love @ first sight: Kenma (˃ᆺ˂) & Kuroo

First character you strongly disliked: ...Tsukishima

Hate @ first sight: ...Tsukishima

First favorite character: Kenmaaa 🫶

Favorite character now: still Kenma & Kuroo ofc 😭, but also Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Tendou, Kiyoomi, Atsumu (derogatory), Noya and Yaku my libero boyos

Character you strongly dislike now: Tsukki you are never escaping my hater ass i respects u fr fr bruh

Character you did not expect to like as much as you do now: Tendou!!! i was fr scared of him at first, and now he is baby

Character you did not expect to dislike as much as you do now: no one tbh, my hating game's been pretty consistent (lies. i could never hate any of them. none!), tho i have to say that i also don't really enjoy Yamaguchi's character come to think of it... got mads respect for Gucci

First pairing you shipped: Kuroken <3

Favorite ship now: Sakuatsu, Iwaoi, and Kuroken still (+ Brokuroo them morons are life)

Other ship(s) you read fics about / like: Ushiten, Semiten, Kurodai, Bokuosa, Kagehina

Pairing(s) you strongly dislike: well anything Tsukki really... but especially, especially Kurotsuki (Tsukiyama's fine tho) oh and Ushihina & Sakuwaka & Atsuhina.

Crackship you like: Matsuhana let's gooo! also Aone x Asahi is cute

Rarepair/Crackship you like but are lowkey very serious about: Osamu x Meian, Bokuatsu

Favorite m/f pairing: there's only really Kiyotana, but damn do they deliver

Character you think you are most like: this has been a plague on my mind ever since my first watch. nowadays i think i would say Asahi? or Fukunaga. subject to change. hold on—I might be Makki actually o_o

Favorite female character: not a lot there to begin with, but i do appreciate Saeko and Natsu

Sexiest character: IWA-CHAN, Kiyoomi, Kuroo, Atsumu (derogatory), Oikawa (derogatory), Suna

Favorite uniform/outfit: Karasuno boys for the school uniform - Aoba Johsai in close second and for the girls too - MSBY for volleyball as well as Nekoma 😍 and Seijoh || fav outfit that got me down bad is, like all of us mere mortals, Iwa in his hoodie & jean jacket casual combo

Favorite position 😏: Libero!! Yaku and Noya take my breath away every time, but it’s also the role i’d want to play if i were part of a volley team! i think i’d do ok (lmao)

Favorite character name: Iwaizumi Hajime

Favorite motto: 飛べ Fly (Karasuno)

Favorite quote(s): "Don't you ever forget my worthless pride." - Oikawa Tooru to Ushijima *CHILLS*

Favorite scene/episode: Uhhhh too many why did i put myself inthis position. Training Camp obviously!!! but also the Shiratorizawa match arc, for the Tendou content 🔥 and i can't not mention the Seijoh matches for the Iwaoi content and the Matsuhana crumbs.

Unpopular opinion: *sigh* this will get me killed–i do not care for Akaashi. i wish i understood him more, got to see more of what’s underneath. i love Bokuto, and i'm sorry babe, but his character and physique are really just average to me. and i've already got the Tsukki kinners and lovers on my case, so yeah, i'll be dead by sundown. while i’m at it, same goes for Kita-san. i’m sorry!! always mad respect tho 👍

Favorite fic(s): Stick with You (Sakuatsu) by lettersinpetals without a fuckin' doubt. Also i'll mention the latest 2 fics i read, Lockdown and The Loyalty of a Traitor (both Iwaoi) by DeathBelle because they are a pillar of the HQ fics community and their shit hits every goddamn time and it hurts so gooddddd 🤌

Favorite art: @amezure @fullwarmth @iinoruu @amalasdraws @viria @dictearchive @mookie000art @cranbearly (soodyo) and so many more that i can't remember off the top of my head but i thank you all for your dedicated work and creativity to the fandom 🫡😩🧡 oh and special love to @gayaest for their paravolley AU art <3

Character(s) you like to write/draw the most: have done neither officially yet, but i do have a Sakuatsu x Grey's Anatomy WIP, so i guess them?

Pairing(s) you like to write/draw the most: ^^

Favorite AU(s): Post-Time Skip, College AU, Mafia/Yakuza/Detective/FBI/Police AU (ik, ew & ACAB, but somehow for hq this one hits)

Guilty pleasure?: BokuAkaKuroKen - TikTok skits & memes & dance animations - my Sakuatsu MCD wip ^^

Favorite Opening: oh god... there's only 1 i don't like (u know the one)... i HAVE to say before i answer, this anime's intros are hits after hits after hits, and they hold such a precious and nostalgic feeling in my heart 😭 ok i'm allowing myself two: Imagination (S1PT1, SPY AIR) & FLY HIGH!! (S2PT2, BURNOUT SYNDROMES). honorable mention to the few first seconds of Hikariare 🫶

Favorite Ending: Tenshi Gaechi (S1PT1, NICO Touches the Walls)

Favorite team: Canonically, Nekoma and MSBY. Fanonically, Seijoh, MSBY still, and Shiratorizawa. (obv my heart always soars when Karasuno wins bc that's the way the story is supposed to make you feel! but i love them dearly so.)

Team you dislike the most: none? i'm not fond of Date Tech, but i appreciate Aone, and none of the teams are villains, just antagonists from the Karasuno pov.

And for the finale, Favorite meme(s): god so many this fandom has the best

obviously there are many more questions i wanted to fill in but this was getting too long and it's already OOC for my blog, but i encourage all of you to fill my asks inbox with anything you wanna know about my haikyuu fan experience!! 🫶🏐

i'll be filling in this lil questionnaire for other of my fandoms, and feel free to use the template and reblog with your responses!! 🤍

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Crazy to log back in after all this time especially after the way I left things. So much has changed and I'm nearly 2 years sober in November. My year long addiction such a central part of me now. Even with me never bothering to take it anymore, being in that state of mind for so long changed me in so many ways. In just a year at that

I've color coded the sections. It was too much of a wall of text. Orange is for work, pink for my boo, green for my life perspective now that im sober and older, the other colors... you'll see it when you get there. Just a summary of everything I've ever wanted to talk about in all this time.

I've quit that job I was talking bout last post. Worked there til mid April and I rage quit. Put my two weeks in then just ain't show for the last what.. 4 days? Fuck that job fr. Assholes worked me to death. How tf I was parttime and working 12 hour shifts back to back at that?

Anyway. I still work in the same field. I'm just at these retirement homes now. I work two at the moment, though one just offered me a new position up there so hopefully I can leave the one closest to me. Buttholes think I'm a robot up there.

The biggest change is thatt, I have a partner now. He's been here with me since late July. We've gotten an apartment now, too as of like 2 months ago now. I've never trusted anyone more.

How it all went down? I was friendly with his sister as she was the one that trained me. I used to talk to her alot which end up leading to me meeting her brother since he also worked up there and was constantly around his little sister. We ended up talking more than me and the sister did. He used to come out to the cafeteria i was running and talk to me for however long time allowed. Whether for an hour or for a few mins, he'd say hi to me.

After a lil while, led to her inviting me to her house. At my old job, in our 12 shift, we were really there for 14 hrs. They gave us an hour and a half break between the 1st and 2nd shift. With her only living 5 mins from the job it wasn't a hard ask lol. Sitting around at that job was not fun. I was by this point not feeling nothing towards my partner but friendship. Which was crazy cause a few days later, I went out there seeing if my dad was outside, only to see him outside waiting to pick up his sister. I was talking to him out in the rain for a lil, then i ofc got in the car to continue talking after a while. Sat there running my mouth for long enough that his sister came out. She had this devilishly big smile on her face when she said "oh I did invite you over"

That one trip led to coming over hanging out with her brother specifically, spending a night watching movies in her room, getting friendly with their mom. I started to feel so welcome. Then, I got a lil tipsy annd bumped my head and he pulled me towards him trying to see if I was okay annnd the rest was history. I ended up moving in, with their mother's push and my family pushing me away with how eager they were for me to gtfo. Barely talk to me now that im gone. Unless i reach out ofc. It's been ups, downs, but he somehow was there through all that.

I even got kicked out the house for "hitting" their mother. In reality, by that point, I was paying $250 a month for the room I shared with him, I paid for household supplies, I cleaned. Everything. So after a while, it was a bit tiring getting screamed at for any and every mistake I made. I had threw away pieces of this series x box and she told me take it out her trash and throw it in the outside. I grabbed as much as I could at the time as I had other pieces already in my hand but it wasn't good enough. She said to come get the rest and I was confused. I just said my hands are full and I went to throw the rest away. But me saying my hands were full was a problem. I don't know if I said it in a tone, I was tryna be as calm as I could, but it wasn't good enough.

She started yelling and talking shit, calling me names. All types of stuff. Me and him was just taking it. Not saying a single thing back, like she liked. But he threw his phone at the wall in frustration and I thought it was time to fix it. It wasn't that serious in my eyes. So I came up to her asking why she thought I had an attitude so we can fix it. I didn't have an attitude and even if I did, I still did what she asked with no hesitation. With two trips, I threw the whole box away and ripped it up just like she wanted to make sure it wouldn't take up too much room. But all that was null and void because of how she perceived my voice.

So in my failed attempts to get her to talk to me, she just getting angrier and angrier which made me frustrated. I just stood there asking again and again what did I do to make you think I had an attitude, her getting mad and saying she ain't have to explain herself to me, which I was trying to explain I wasn't trying to make her explain why she was mad I just wanted to know how I wronged you so I CAN FIX IT. And me standing there and her getting angry eventually led her to pointing a finger right in my face which I swatted away. It was reflex really. Was mere inches away from my eye and I never once touched her so why get physical?? I don't know what possessed her to even do that.

And me swatting her hand, was the worst decision ever. The mother started trying to swing at me, the sisters boyfriend that also lived there at that point was trying to hit me and my boyfriend jumped in and pulled me back. I couldn't focus on nothing anymore and the next thing I knew the sisters boyfriend came up to me and pushed me onto the bed. I was so scared I didn't know what he was going to do next and I started freaking out. I couldn't breath I couldn't think. I just felt so scared and helpless. I had to hear the rest after the fact

My boyfriend and his sister's boyfriend both got into a fight, the sister and the mother tried to break up. The mom got pushed down to the floor in the process (which was as I said, happened during the process of a whole fist fight between these grown men. You'll see why I clarify this), my boyfriend picked him up, and somehow someway, the sisters boyfriend went to go grab his gun. A gun that he apparently had at the house. It was an assault riffle

When he did that the whole atmosphere changed. No one was focused on the fight they were focused on him putting the gun up. Then they came to me and that's where my pov comes back. I was there on the bed curled up crying ripping out my hair, and my boyfriend standing over me just angry at everything. He just stood over me crying frustrated trying to get me breathe. Then the sister just stood over me, like I was an alien. I regretted even saying anything. I wondered if I should've just grabbed it all and just let it fall out my hands so she knew I wasn't being funny acting. I started to wonder if I was right to swat her hand or should I have let her touch me first before I did that. All these thoughts made me feel so powerless as none of those decisions should have led to this brawl.

The sisters boyfriend tried to play man of the house and talk shit and the sister just smiled. My boyfriend still hasn't forgiven her for it. He never looks at her the same anymore. It feels like I broke up the family. To. This. Day. The mom kicked me out and my boyfriend said fuck everyone and left with me. He helped me pack everything because the mom was telling me "my fatass needs to hurry up" and "sitting there like shit sweet" and smart comment after smart comment while I'm over there just bawling my eyes out. We went to his dad's house who asked for an explanation but once we explained, he respected that it was a huge blowup, and the dude pulling out a gun was bigger than all this.

Little did we know, the little bit of relief we felt being at his dad's house for the night would be short lived. The mom, sister, and her boyfriend were all going around calling up family to tell their twisted version of events. They said I hit mama and my partner pushed her to the ground. I felt like a mouse. The whole family hated me atp. But we spent a night at the dad's house, explained everything to everyone calling him and just kept on going. The sisters ended up believing us in saying they were kinda shocked to hear I'd hit their mom knowing how I am so they were more mad that they twisted the story and didn't even include the fact this man just pulled out a gun on their brother. We told everything as it happened so it helped our story alot

Anyway, we lived there for a few months, feeling trapped and stupid. His dad's house was filthy and we were working hard to pay rent at his dad's, find and apartment, and save for a deposit fee. We barely could eat because the kitchen was so nasty half the time you didn't know what you were touching. The silverware were half dirty, the fridge handle always had food remnants caked on it, food would be left out overnight and more, dishes there for days. Everything. This is all because his dad is half blind and his fiance works so she expects him to do all the cleaning. His cleaning skills are not the best but I can't fully blame him given his disability.

We were eating off fast food everyday for months because of this. We'd barely eat just because we hid rhe fact we were eating out where we could, so he wouldn't feel offense on why we wouldn't eat his and her food, and we kept it pushing.

We moved out in April annd things have gotten better in a sense. We argue way more but I think that's natural for how much more we get to be around each other. I don't work as long hours and we're in each other's face 24/7. But I get so angry. I don't know why. It's like I hold back so much, just angry talking at first, then he says something that makes me snap. Then, I'm screaming, throwing things, and I try to get away. It feels all instinct, like someone else is taking over. And all I can do is wait til I calm down and apologize for being scary. I don't hurt him. I never will. I've thrown my phone, broken countless bracelets off me, and I've scratched myself over and over trying to make myself focus on something else, but I've never thrown more than a pen directly at him. I feel so guilty everytime I do it. But I be feeling unheard in the moment and I just want it over with. To be left alone again.

But he holds onto me anyway. He sees me for more than just my blowups. He hates it and has asserted he won't take it forever, but he understands Im not used to love upclose. I'm the ex princess pill enjoyer. I went an entire year with an addiction only my sisters noticed. I've lost my two closest friends along with the whole robotics friend group I thought I'd have in an instant. I usually am one disagreement from losing someone, so I hold it in. But now, I have someone to learn to let it out for. Someone to learn to not blowup for. It's just hard.

I'm really trying though. I tried jumping out the car cause I was so mad and he just stopped the car and held me. Even though he was just as mad at me. We were arguing just a second before. Ever since then, that rage scares me. I'm not in control the way i thought I was. I would never jump out a moving fucking vehicle in my life. You can break your arm, scrape the skin right off you, knock yourself out. Anything. But I just felt this trance of I couldn't keep being in this car arguing and I started saying I couldn't do it and just opened the door. I don't know what I was thinking. I really wasn't thinking. But knowing that's a possibility, I just know I have to fix myself.

I've been doing better. I nowadays will just throw my phone and get mad and he'll just leave it instead of continuing like normal. Then once I calm down, we talk about why I got so mad, he explains why he was mad at me in the first place, and we're good. I hope someday I can skip on the rage part entirely but I've been doing better now that I have a moment to collect myself. Plus, I know no matter what argument, til the day he betrays my trust, I will always want him in my life and these petty arguments change nothing. He's shown me time and time again he loves me through everything so I will make sure I love him unconditionally too.

And that's where everything is now. I'm at work typing this now. I'm resisting the urge to impulsively quit. My boss just called me yesterday frustrated I don't pick up morning shifts last second trying to make it like I just don't want to work. I just don't think that's a humane ask. On your day off, would you want to be called awake at 6am to get up and IMMEDIATELY go to work? No. She'd give me a one day notice on morning shifts too and I'd say no, because I didn't want to cut the day short to go to bed for work. And that's a problem here.

I have a second job that's been great but the distance and pay wasn't the best. But they appreciate me, they've tried to fight for better pay, and the were sad I tried this job. Annnd crazily, I came back, did orders for a few days, and they offered me a part time receptionist while doing orders too. Giving me damn near full time hours. Like FINALLYYYY I'm not waiting on random shifts to make my money. I can just come in and do the same work everyday.

It's not confirmed til Monday but, soon as it's confirmed. I'm outttt

Life doesn't get better, it just changes. If anything it gets worse. Seriously. I've wanted to die all the time lately. It's just a new hurt. You can't ever escape it. In a way, it's harder and easier. On the one hand, you have a different type of worth now. Once you move out, youre not just parents burden, you become your own burden. So that constant guilt I used to feel is gone. I don't ask for help no matter what. I even hate gifts from them now. I feel like they use that as their way to have something to say about what I'm doing. But you burdening yourself also stings cause you have to drag yourself to shit you don't want ALLLLLLL THE TIMEEE. Don't want to go to work? Call in sick? Don't have any sick hours? Call in with an emergency. Gotta do what uou gotta do. I'm not proud of it. But even then... you have to be socially aware of everyone's opinion of your actions. Or, you choosing yourself too many times will make you lose a job, get played at your job, or fuck you over come time to pay everything. It's such a big sacrifice to choose yourself now.

That's just true in general when you get out the house. That's what makes it so difficult.. I barely was choosing myself before. But now? There's no one else but you. If you don't go out to make yourself some money, you'll make yourself miserable worrying about food, bills, and keeping a roof over your head. But some days you argue right before work. Some days you want to end it and you don't want to to think about nothing else. But I have to think, if I fail this time, what's gonna happen? If you try it, and you fail, what are you going to do? Are you gonna be able to afford copays on your hospital stay? Are you gonna be able to get back to work if need be? Are you gonna be able to be in others faces right after that happened to you? Is there even going to be a job waiting on you by the time you recover?

I'm more scared of the day I'll attempt now. If I attempt now, I'll fuck over my partner. I wonder how he'd take it. I'd probably break him. Even though I regularly tell him I want to die to this day, he'll never feel the full weight til he sees how serious it gets for me. I don't want to take away his character showing him that. I'll break up and do it before I sneak off and do something like that now. I know that would hurt him still. But even before him, it's just harder on me making that decision.

I'm still open to it though. Thus far, this life shit still sucks. The work life balance is just gone in America. Unless you're making top dollar, buying a house, regularly vacationing, and having money to properly invest in your hobbies, you're just sitting around on you butt/doing chores/getting business handled. You've always had to work for your money but nowadays uou need to hoard this nonexistent extra money just to do anything. It's so dull. I already didn't want to do this and now I'm bored to death half the time. Great!!!1!11!!! (I've developed a tiktok addiction now. It's an instict for me to get on as soon as I'm not doing anything. I can't stand to be bored for one second 😶‍🌫️)

Anywaysss. That's it. I'm alive, I'm the same, but with a boyfriend now. I have the same brain from way back when I was daily posting on here. There's just more stuff chaining me down to this world. If you read all this thank you. I hope you feel seen. I know it's not easy out here

...and to the people that didn't read. Yea. I get it 😅

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

Hello! I would like you to play matchmaker with me and ship me with someone of the outsiders, please? <333

I'm an average heighted female with pale skin (literally it looks like fucking milk even in summer😭). I have long wavy dark brown hair that is somehow always messy. My eyes are a mix between grey, green and blue and nobody (not even me) can make out their exact colour for the life of theirs since it seems like they are changing colour (from lightning, etc) at every second. I am very fond of the coquette style of clothing, I'm an hyperfeminine girly that loves to dress like the doll she feels like she is. I'm talking full on short white lacy skirts with red heart-shaped sunglasses, cherry lipstick and pink tops with a white ribbon on my hair!

Moving onto my personality; I'm a very sweet girl, I'm the literal mom friend of every friend group I've ever been in. I never shy away from complimenting anything and everything about a person, someone got a new shirt today? "oh my god, that looks so good on you!", someone is trying a new hobby "that's great! tell me all about it!", someone tried a new hairstyle? "you look utterly gorgeous/handsome!"

I consider myself as a very touchy person, I like to hold hands, hang onto someone's arm, legs/shoes touching while sitting, hugs (a lot of hugs) and cuddling! I love cuddling! /all of this both with platonic friends and romantic partners. Though I will back off and tone it down if someone's uncomfortable with so much physicall or verbal affection and resort to gift-giving (hand-made trinkets or small things that reminded me of that certain someone, etc) as love-language. I am a very sensitive gal when it cames to being gifted something, I will fr tear up 😭. I literally cherish every little thing that my friends give me, even if it's a fucking bubble gum wrap paper, it's getting a spot in my 'memory box' lmao.

I laugh at almost everything, and I consider myself pretty much easy-going, I'm okay with every and any kind of plan as long as it's with my friends. Even if I'm sweet and have literally no idea how to even throw a punch, if someone tries to mess with my loved ones you bet your ass I'm gonna throw myself at them and try and do as much damage as I can, even if I end up with my face all bloodied and pretty much more hurt than the one I was trying to hurt 😭 (i just love my friends that much). BTW IM SO SORRY IF THIS IS TOO MUCH TEXT LIKE LITERALLY SORRY AND I HOPE UR HAVING THE GREATEST DAY 😭

No, I actually prefer whenever people provide more information as this allows me to do a deeper analysis of which character and you I think would be great together!!! And I am having a mediocre day, but thank you for wishing me the best!!! Also personality wise. I just think that I’m the sassy gay version of you like if someone gets a new shirt that I think looks good. I’m gonna be like a bitch. You’re literally slaying that respect towards you. We love people who complement people.  also I think we’re literally the same person because I have such pale skin. My friends call me vampire and I have to do like the whitest shade of foundation ever and every time I go into a Sephora it’s like they’re shaming me and I also have color changing eyes, and I never know what to say on those quizzes that are like what color are your eyes because I’m like I don’t have a mirror on me. How am I supposed to know? 

Your outsiders ship: Sodapop Curtis

(I like Soda and Dallas with you for different reasons I think that soda pop and you would have the healthier more beneficial relationship and more realistic, but the enemies to lovers tension between you and Dallas Winston is like SKEPS HAJANSNS)

Explanation: starting off with your physical appearance, I think that he would be incredibly attracted to you as you’re one of the girls that he would typically like. He thinks your eyes and hair are both really gorgeous and he loves the fact that they color change for your aesthetic. I think that he also really loves it and it’s one of the things that made you stand out to him as a person. Out of all the greasers, he’s definitely the one that embraces his femininity the most, and brilliant admires anyone who does so the same I mean, I think his favorite nickname or one of his favorite nicknames to be called is definitely pretty boy because he knows he’s pretty he flaunts it and you can’t tell me he doesn’t. Personality wise I think you guys are pretty similar and I think he loves the fact that you just go up to people and complement them whenever you have something to say and it’s not fake either you don’t do it to do it you just do it because you genuinely feel like they deserve a compliment and you wanna lighten their world in that way and I think that he incredibly admirable and admirable. He’s also a very touchy and cuddly guy, and I think that he would constantly want to have his hands on you someway he’s not necessarily clingy, but I think if you were standing nearby him, he would want to have his hands on you, whether that be just you know, linking pinkies or full on grabbing his arm around your shoulders, I think he loves physical touch. As for you and your sensitivity to giftgiving, I think he would absolutely love that because he can’t give you a surplus of gifts due to the fact he doesn’t come from a stable financial household so I think that he would give you one very well thought out gift and found out that we weren’t mad that he couldn’t give you something more expensive or nice or something or just more. due to you not being able to fight too well I think he would be extremely overprotective of you and he would absolutely beat someone up for you if you wanted, but he would always make sure to check in with you and not be overly aggressive when he doesn’t know the full situation. I SHIP THIS SO HARD 💚💚💚💚

[alyszaen]

I'm in a sappy mood so excuse me for this, but I need to get this out.

I know it hasn't been long since I've started becoming an active writer, but I just really need to tell you guys how much my moots mean to me. So I decided to tell everyone my favourite thing about you guys. Yes this will be cringy and sappy and lovey-dovey and you will enjoy every second of it.

Also no I didn't put y'all in a particular order here stfu I love all of you

@chiskz The way we vibe about our ideas is incredible. I don't think I've ever agreed with every single idea anyone has had the way I have with you. We just ping-pong our way into our scenarios and I wouldn't change a thing. Chichi is our real child which I will protect with my life. Earlier today I saw an encouraging message from you reminding me to breathe, because you knew I would have a rough day. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day, knowing there was someone there who cared enough to remind me of that.

@pettypuppy-jonghyun I have never been judged for being married to Han Jisung as I have by you. You are a menace to society. Actually evil for first spamming me with attractive pictures to make me thirsty, only to then make memes out of me being thirsty. Actually evil. The way you remember the little things, like Yoshi, makes me feel so warm inside. The voice messages you just sent to me were so perfectly cut towards me that just shows me how real you are and how much you care. Also your car rides are the most dramatic thing I ever got to experience. I know Hyunjin would be proud of you.

@longingpurity You immediately write every single little thing I request to make me feel better. The way you ask me for advice and trust me so much on it makes it feel so genuine. I love how easy it is to just write in capslock forever about the most mundane things with you. I see a message from you every single morning and it makes me smile so much to know there is someone thinking about me.

@wanna-live-yn-life I am actually offended at how funny you are. Our dms are always a pure comedy show and anyone reading them would be convinced that we are stupid and that you are obsessed with Enhypen. If there is anyone that can get me to start stanning Enhypen it is you. You're my child and I will protect you with my life. Funniest damn idiot honestly.

@minnnie-binnie Our conversations are 90% life updates because we cannot seem to be awake at the same time ever. You are actually such a chill person? Like, I just know whenever I see a message from you I will get the most calm and relaxed conversation about mundane things. It's worth a lot to be able to talk about small and basic things without it being awkward. Also if I ever need a boquet I'll remember to ask you for help.

@minvho Bro you sat through me singing half of Skz songs - and badly. I do not speak korean and I did my best to prove that to you. You are my biggest delulu supporter. You genuinely convinced me that I could pull Han Jisung and made me at least 40% more annoying about it. I shall wait for your karaoke. I know you will slay and I will laugh at you the entire time.

@sensitiveandhungry You are my No#1 source of fic recommendations. If I need anything new I just check what you reblogged today. Actual Queen of reblogging. With you I can fangirl about fangirling. Like? I know this sounds weird? But just being happy about being happy, you know?

@skz-jisoo My fellow german stay. You have no idea how many german skz tiktok links are coming your way. I still do not know how we share every single childhood experience, down to the danger noodles? I am almost convinced that we were in the same kindergarten at this point. There is no way it can be this similar fr. We are bonded by sneks.

Again you idiots there is no order to this, I know at least one of y'all fuckers thought so for a second. I will actually call pre-debut han on you if you doubt my love for you again.