#cause youtube and everything was down
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legoflowers · 2 years ago
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omfg this works again
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cyanide-sippy-cup · 11 days ago
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youtube
Hey, don't cry. Welcome To Hell 2, okay?
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weidli · 1 year ago
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tatort: gefallene engel // yann tiersen: sur le fil
in honor of the one-year anniversary of me watching this episode <3
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mbat · 4 months ago
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it sucks when a youtuber who streams most of the time and then uploads cut down versions of their streams is like 'you couldve seen this whole thing had you actually been there btw. you should watch my streams actually' cause its like. not everyone can or wants to sit through live streams, especially ones that are either really long or theres so many people in the chat that youre basically just watching a video that you cant pause or skip forward or backwards on
like just upload the full vods and if people want to go to the streams they will, your advertising should just be you, you shouldnt need to be like 'you should feel bad or like you missed out because for any reason you missed the stream lol' like ? skill issue
cause the whole reason ive even checked out pretty much any live streamer was because i saw one of their vods and was like 'that seems fun, i would like to see more of these, and try to be there live if i can!' and like its not a 'im gonna miss out on everything if i dont see them live :[' thing yknow
ive mostly been referring to one youtuber this whole time that i used to watch cause i liked their videos but i unsubscribed mainly for this specific reason (because without fail theyd say this stuff in every video and it was beyond irritating) but i just know other people do it
also i know this probably comes out of left field but it also goes hand in hand with the 'only 20% of my viewers are subscribed!' thing (which that youtuber also did) and its like. bitch if i wanted to subscribe i would subscribe. they say 'you can always undo it later!' yeah or i could just not do it at all. shut up. that shit makes me want to subscribe even less. is it meant to be guilt trippy or something? 'look at the people who arent subscribing to me, it makes me sad :( please make my arbitrary number go up pleeassseee :(((('
im not gonna say this stuff feels manipulative because like, this is ultimately pretty unserious and is just annoying at most, but it rubs me the wrong way. like either youre good enough for people to want to see your streams or subscribe to you and you shouldnt need to worry about people not doing those things, or youre insecure despite already having THOUSANDS of people watching you and subscribing to you and your little arbitrary number not going up at breakneck pace is bothering you for some reason
i guess i cant say that people only do this for fun anymore since this, like everything, "has" to be monetized now, and i admit i dont know (or give a fuck) how that all works, but like. come on. just let the results speak for themselves and stop grating on the nerves of anyone watching because you cant just let your videos and streams be enough on their own
#me when i rant about something out of nowhere that none of my followers care about probably ajfjahd#LIKE. a few weeks ago i started following a small twitch streamer because he posted vods on youtube that i genuinely rly liked#and i joined his discord and i try to catch every stream of his that sounds interesting to me#but he doesnt make it into a whole 'pleaseeeee watch my streams aough you guys missed it :[' thing like.#he just plays games and has fun and posts them and he got a lot of new viewers from it. including me#obviously i fixated on hlvrai cause the streams were posted on youtube. both the cut down AND full streams#(i personally prefer the full stream versions)#i tried watching the rtvs crew for a while but like i said. streams with tons of people arent fun for me tbh#but i did watch a few of them for a little while anyway#my post#twitch#streaming#youtube#this is gonna be the funniest fucking reason for me pulling this quote out but. if you build it they will come yknow#the youtuber i was referring to as doing this stuff is kwite btw ill admit that now#I GENUINELY ENJOYED HIS VIDEOS BUT I JUST COULDNT DO IT ANYMORE LIKE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MISSING THINGS AND SUBSCRIBING#i barely like livestreams !!! like genuinely!!! id rather just watch vods or normal videos!!!#i dont wanna have to drop everything to watch a stream and feel like i cant do anything else because god forbid i miss something#and genuinely all i can even do is watch it because any comments made in chat get swept up in the ocean of others anyway
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i-like-books-and-women · 7 months ago
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Saturday podcast but it's just them yapping in a car sitting in ways that cars are not supposed to be sat in and eating fast food during it. That is all
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girlscience · 11 months ago
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trying to get to better as a person is so nauseating. was lonely yesterday so i messaged friends to try and plan hang outs. forced myself to ask about reference letters today even though i turned bright red and felt like crying. messaged friends tonight to ask if they could help keep me accountable so i don't feel like i'm doing everything alone. barf. i hate this. i want to hide in a hole
#THIS IS GOOD FOR ME IT WILL HELP BUT IT REQUIRES CHANGE#and i am realizing maybe i am significantly worse with change than i thought i was#ie my parents and sister and a few other people think i should apply to more schools#specifically more schools outside my comfort zone#and it would be so cool!!!! but it requires me to change the idea of 4 schools to like 6 or 8#and change from a few hours from home to like a days drive away or FARTHER#and this is already going to change my whole life's routine#and i'll be away from all my friends and family already#and i am just remembering how awful that was the first go around in undergrad#and maybe i am super scared of that happening again#and also i need to reach out about GA positions and that means i have to talk to professors#which is scary and also a change from undergrad cause i avoided talking to them as much as possible#and i am just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#so. hopefully some of this will help but also. i am crying inside. a lot.#i also need to change my fanfic habits because i honestly think it is like... the most time sucking thing in my life#and part of me wishes i never started reading fic because it gets in the way of me doing literally everything else i need to do#but stopping or even just cutting down on it is killer#but on the bright side i have been on youtube a lot less recently and leave it deleted off my phone for longer periods of time#which is good!!! it means i'm not on my phone as much#but yeah. stuff and things and trying to do stuff that's good for me is the worst
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nightmareonpeachstreet · 9 months ago
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swear 2 god you accidentally watch 1 fatphobic video on youtube and suddenly youtube thinks u wanna watch them forever even if you immediately tell it you didn't like the video
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minakoaiinos · 11 months ago
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youtube
Anyway good morning.
#unpacking these four chapters of breakup that happened almost twenty years ago in several different formats#starving for madam red content especially ik she's been dead (as dead as anyone on black butler has ever been) forever but like.#i don't understand how so much of this comment section got out of this that madam red just wanted to be ~normal~#when a lot of her deal and ciel's is that she physically can't/wasn't ever going to be and i genuinely think ciel realized these things...#...about himself a long time before madam red did and that's why she struggles with a lot of it so much. bc she held onto the idea she...#....COULD be ~normal ~ a lot longer than ciel ever did for himself#i think that factors for a lot of grell's side of the breakup too#grell also realized that about herself early on AND she could tell that about madam red the minute she saw her#like everyone dying wasn't the cause madam red couldn't be normal it was just more evidence of it#and i think it might have hurt grell's feelings that madam red was still holding on to what was never going to be when for grell they...#...were perfect for each other in every way and madam red backing out of the killing meant she was backing out on her too#it says soooo much that grell found madam red at her worst and she liked that and everything that madam red thought people looked down on...#....her for grell just revels in#also i wish redacted would die again <3 hate his guts the whole situation is so sinister regardless of how doomed madam red is#kuroshitsuji#my kuro posts#redcliff#madam red#Youtube
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ribscarvedlikebutterflies · 2 years ago
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reddit somehow attracts the most low level, insecure, passive aggressive, fake-moral, judgmental ass people who find themselves in the most toxic and ridiculous situations that literally make me sick to read about
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pebblezone · 2 years ago
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Weird Al beach boys song best ever shitting My pants and decomposing
#talkingcore#I hit weird Al in my album adventure and this song is slaughtering me I am so happy#like it’s not just a beach boys parody that milks off of the surfer aesthetic no!!!!#it’s like Everything Pet sounds + smile era and like AHHHHHH there’s a part which is like wind chimes and not the smiley smile wind chimes#since that one is kinda Mwamp:/ no!! the smile version!!! and it sounds especially similar to the Brian Wilson version released in 2004#which like given this came out in 2006 100% influenced it to some capacity like it’s not just the melody but the layering of the vocals#it’s the instruments the mixing UGH it’s faithful in the most majestic way possible#idk the fact you can stick a harpsichord in there and immediately the little monkey in my brain is like 🤨 Brian Wilson? ACKCJCHH#time for my bi-annual rewatch of Brian Wilson’s SMiLE in concert#which like I think is hands down one of the best live performances like smile is fucking complex the variety of instruments is bonkers#like the whole workshop bit has them just turning on drills and shit! not even addressing the orchestration!!#so being able to recreate that at a near perfect level LIVE? like No Cuts???? absolutely wild it’s life changing#fun fact! it was watching that concert on youtube (it’s on youtube!) that made my beach boys brain spiral#like before august of 2021? normal. consumed music rather averagely. post august 2021? insane like the fact that in less than 4 months#I managed to skew my stats so much like at least 60% of 2021 became The Beach Boys#that’s not even addressing 2022 which got the most hit cause that’s 12 months! I think there’s maybe >10 songs out of the 100 that aren’t#the beach boys or okay at least beach boys related like I’m gonna count brian And Carl and dennis’ solo material in there too#especially given their overlap in production like Hell! how many songs were meant for Brian solo projects and were given to The Beach Boys?#Caroline no is credited just with Brian when it was released as a single even though she’s on pet sounds!!! AHGGGHH need to calm down
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recreationaldivorce · 2 years ago
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man everything i've watched lately i've been so bored by. idk if it's just depression or if i'm just watching bad shows and movies. honestly might just stick to youtube from now on lol
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trifoliate-undergrowth · 7 months ago
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enough about taylor swift already. reblog and tag the smallest, least known artist you listen to
#The Ellie Badge#find them on bandcamp#he's the husband of my old roommate's best friend from college which is how I found the band#and it became one of my all time favorites#sort of garage band emo rock. very raw lyrics that I just love#I love the sound I love his style of writing I love everything about them they are Not well known. listen to the Ellie Badge#they have songs on youtube but the algorithm has to be shaken and yelled at extensively to get it to show them to you bc small band#that shares a name with disney song#excellent writing about grief. see: Only One (everywhere I go I feel my dead parent watching me from heaven and the guilt is killing me)#Hospital Song (your death made me a better person in the end but I'd rather be a total piece of shit and still have you alive)#Looking For You (our pets are waiting for you to come home and I can't explain to them that you're gone) (this was the first song I heard)#Heat Death (you're dead our hometown is dead everyone I know is moving away. the restaurants are shutting down. everything is ending)#This artist is the most lovely vibrant and wonderful and positive person to be around irl!! He puts all the angst in his music I guess!!!!#love him#other favorites: Godspeed Little Brothers#Bones (incredible breakup song for God)#Blood (goes with Bones. “I know that I've been everything from skin and bones to gasoline but nothing ever mattered like this did”)#811#The Shakes (has made me cry)#IS THIS THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN IS THERE NO PRAYER OR MEDICINE THAT CAN SPLIT THIS MOBIUS STRIP TEAR APART ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT#CAUSE EVERY DAY THE RICH GET RICHER WHILE WE KILL OURSELVES ON BLOOD AND LIQUOR#Everything I do I do it for you gonna leave you in a world where the oceans are blue#ok starting to cry I think that's enough song recs
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medicinemane · 6 days ago
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Few things piss me off more than when I'm researching something, and I find someone asking the question I want answered, and the response is just "you shouldn't want that, just do this instead"
Today, it's me trying to look up a build for this witch farm concept that uses raid captains to manipulate the witches ai instead of using redstone
"Just use the shifting floors farms, they're just about as good" people respond... you stupid prick, that's not an answer to the question actually asked. I don't know about these guys, but me, I want it cause it's novel and there's no redstone, and I like putting bespoke prestige projects on my server... you might have noticed I tend to do form over function on a lot of my farms... so this is about form, the function is just a bonus
Second example, I wanted to see if there was any way to make Terra Invicta load faster, "just don't save scum"... you idiot, one that's just stupid advice, people can play games however they want, but two this once again doesn't answer the question
Like yeah, how dare people want to know if there's a way to make a game load saves faster when loading takes like 1 minute
If they at least phrased stuff like "sorry, I don't know how to do that, he's an alternative you might try", it's not helpful but it's at least polite
But man... I just get tired of people not answering the question being asked and instead answering the one they've decided was asked
(Actually, a legit real problem in the real world such as... with doctors who don't listen to their patient and decide they know what's really being asked. Don't do it, answer the asked question, or at least ask questions to confirm what's being asked before going off pig headed)
#anyway; pouring over unhelpful people one dropped a mention that Doc from hermit craft seems to have built this design this season#so now I have to track down that... while youtube's acting stupid like it always does after I've left my computer on a few days#no other websites have an issue; but youtube basically becomes unresponsive for like 5 seconds every 10 seconds#the video plays fine if it's already going; but if I try to start or stop it or click anything it doesn't#wonderful website you have their youtube; I'm sure it's not a windows style processor hog or anything#...I'm also in a bad mood; like I'm fucking hair trigger at the moment; cause of one of my mom's sneezing fits hours ago#I know it sounds stupid; and honestly it feels like I must be faking it or something#but when I hear her do that (and it lasts for minutes; she never sneezes less than like 20 times at the top of her lungs)#I actually start smashing my fucking head with the heels of my hands; like against the ears and temples#have to fucking race for rain sounds and turn them up to max; and then I just kinda sit there rocking like a crazy person#...I don't know... probably has something to do with... some kinda shit in my childhood... can't really put it into words or anything concr#but yeah... this kinda thing already pisses me off on a good day cause conceptually it's a jackass move#'oh; you asked a question? well you're stupid and wrong for wanting this; you should just be me instead'#like I could imagine if you asked someone how to do wood burning having them say 'you can't; you can only cut it with power tools'#that's the kind of mentality going on here#slime chunks are another good example; I wanted to know if there's a way to trim them cause they kinda piss me off#short answer no; they seem to be even more baked into the seed than biomes are these days... which sucks; but it's a full answer#but 'just spawn proof with slabs and buttons' is a stupid fucking answer you moron#oh shit; I never considered the obvious... thanks; it's not like maybe people want a certain vibe to a room they built#2010 ass builders; like yeah; in the end I'm just gonna discretely add spawn proofing where I need it#but... that wasn't the fucking question#anyway; point is this pisses me off anyway; but I'm also so angry on like... a physical level; everything has me spitting bullets#like I had to make my cats leave my room because physically hearing my mom sneeze just upsets me so much that...#well... I kinda lose control; not like where I'd kick the cats or something; but where I might slap them away#so it's just... fuck; I hate that I often end up raising my voice in that state and yelling#I prefer when I at least keep it together enough to stay in a measured tone as I'm like 'move move move' herding them out#but yeah... it fucks me up on a really physical level#even now hours later when I've kinda calmed down; Bart's laying next to me and part of me just wants to shove him away#cause I just can't fucking stand anything at the moment#on a intellectual level... I fucking hate it cause I'm not even that mad; and I want Bart here
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rainbow-beanie · 1 year ago
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I think this is a very important video to watch, especially in this time after woman’s life and choices has been stripped away from old government guys that half the time don’t give a rats ass about the life of the woman or potential mother. I know the topic of abortion is very tipsy turvy, and not a lot makes sense, but watching this video actually gave me a lot to think about, and I even learned something new! https://youtu.be/7zM-YaTKN1M?si=mlp_czhz5fAw-Hfw
youtube
Now, as the word “abortion” is in quotes, Lilly didn’t actually get an abortion, but because of the stupid law that had been ruled out by equally stupid people, any procedure that has to do with the uterus is classified by the government as an abortion. Which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. and you can tell that the people who had voted for the no abortion law did not do their research into any procedure involving a uterus other then anything that has to do with making a baby.
And after watching this video, I’m all for women having abortions, even anything that is classified as a “abortion” cause the reason people are having procedures like that in the first place is to either save their life or get the chance to live with as little pain as possible. And if anyone thinks that having abortions are “selfish” or “inhumane” go look in the mirror and come back to me before trying to talk to me. P
(Now if I actually lose followers over this, then good riddance. Anyone that doesn’t care about woman’s lives is not someone I’d want to associate with.)
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mattybsgroupie · 4 months ago
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tape | matt sturniolo
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contents: cursing, fighting; established relationship; oral (m receiving); spanking (f receiving); degradation; p in v; creampie; use of “y/n”; dom!matt
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notes: posting this and another one later this week in celebration of almost 600 followers. so thankful for this community and for every single person that enjoys my writing (but if one gets more likes than the other im KILLING MYSELF) <3 not proofread blablabla hope you enjoy i love y’all so so much
- ♡ -
“y/n!” matt slammed the door shut, loud voice taking over the kitchen, where i was peacefully sitting. “are you fucking dumb?!” he hissed at me, throwing his phone on the table.
“wow, chill” i said, frowning my eyebrows, confused look in my face. “what are you talking about?”
“what did you do with our camera’s flashcard?” matt crossed his arms, impatiently tapping his foot on the ground. my mouth hung open, but no words came out of it. matt looked so angry, and i knew i had cause us trouble. as i kept searching on my mind, he screamed once again “fucking tell me!”
“i don’t fucking know!” i hissed back at him, throwing my hands in the air. “i changed it the last time, i told you we were out of memory but i don’t remember where i put the other one!”
“oh you don’t?” he narrowed his eyes, stepping closer to me and removing a tiny object from his pocket. he showed me the flashcard, holding it with his thumb and index right at my face. “what about leaving it on this fucking table next to nick’s work stuff?”
my eyes widened. “matt i-i’m so sorry, fuck” i stuttered, realizing what i had done.
“you’re sorry now? after nick saw everything? we have so much shit here y/n, for christ’s sake!” matt kept holding the memory card, free hand running through his hair as he tried to calm himself down. “he saw your naked pictures, he saw mine! there are compromising videos in here y/n, can you imagine if he had uploaded any of them by mistake?”
“matt, please” i got up, walking closer to matt and resting my hand on his chest. “babe, i didn’t mean it, i’m really fucking sorry.” he looked away, scratching his freshly shaved beard.
“sometimes i think you’re asking for it, you know?” he said grabbing my wrist. “you fucking want our pics to get leaked, so that way everyone can know how much of a slut you are”. matt finished, pulling me to his room as he walked, grip in my skin getting stronger.
he slammed the door once again and pushed me on his bed, my breath turning heavy from his sudden change of behavior. matt went next to his computer, grabbing our camera. it was one of the first cameras the boys ever used to record their youtube videos, and nick gifted it matt after they changed to a new, more modern equipment. matt opened the video screen and turned it on, green light signaling he had started recording.
“take your shorts off” he demanded and i knew i could no longer run from my punishment. i kept sitting, slowly removing the cloth down my legs, kicking it away with my foot. i was wearing pink panties and a t-shirt i borrowed from him, not looking my best.
“you wanted this so bad, didn't you?” he asked, positioning the camera on the nightstand. matt sat next to me, but only to pull my legs over him. he turned me over, my belly now resting on his thighs and my head falling down, only my left arm resting on the mattress. i opened my mouth in disbelief, my calves trying to move away from him somehow.
“what are you doing?” i asked, trying to at least get a bit more comfortable in that position.
“giving you what you wanted” matt said, his arm locking my legs together while the other one held me by my breasts - at least my head wouldn’t be spinning. one of his cold hands smacked my ass, the sudden contact making me choke on a moan. i could feel matt’s grin growing wide as he palmed my skin, preparing me for another slap.
“fuck!” i groaned as the burning sensation started. i knew matt didn’t actually want to hurt me, he rubbed my butt after each smack, soothing the tingles i felt as my blood started to run faster.
“matt- please” i tried to speak, but another spank interrupted me. “behave, yeah?” matt whispered in my ear and pointed to the camera. “everyone’s gonna see how much of a fucking slut you are. can’t even take a punishment, right?” he teased, long fingers now travelling between my buttcheeks, brushing lightly over my panties. matt pressed his digits harder over my cunt, feeling the wetness there “soaked already?”
i looked away, trying to cover my embarrassment with my hands - it was humiliating, my ass in the air being spanked by matt after a mistake i didn’t even mean to make. “you’re fucking embarassed? can you imagine how i was after nick gave this to me? my brother saw everything, your dirty whore” he didn’t stop the slaps, and i couldn’t stop whimpering as his hand kept on marking my skin.
“ah!” i cried once more, until he two other spanks were enough. matt gave a kiss on each of my senstive buttcheeks and tossed me out of his lap, getting up and standing in front of me. he grabbed the camera once again, turning the screen so that only him could see what he was filming. my face was burning red and i was already exhausted. matt looked at me, rising his eyebrows, wide grin on his face.
“come on” he said, zooming the lenses on me. “you’re gonna look so pretty with your mouth wrapped around my cock”.
i gulped, quickly nodding and moving my hands to his belt. i had barely unbuckled it, but i could feel matthew’s impatience growing. i pulled matt’s pants down along with his underwear, revealing his hardened dick. matt moved the camera to show off his own length, eager for me to touch him, even when he was the one in charge.
i wrapped my fingers around his shaft, veins pulsing in my palm. i brought my mouth closer to his tip, lips wrapping around the sensitive area as i received a groan in response, matt finally getting some relief to his aching cock. i couldn’t fit him entirely - matt was huge - so both of my hands started pumping the missing part as i moved my head down.
i heard matt chuckling, delighted with the view of my teary eyes begging for him. he started to slowly move his hips forward, trying to thrust his leaking dick inside of my throat. one of his hands went to my hair, already messy and tangled, in order to set my pace as he pleased.
i mumbled on his cock, asking if i could please, please, please, take a breath. of course, no words came out, my muffled voice only sent vibrations and warmth to his length which made him push his cock forward in my mouth, making me gag.
i could feel the saliva running down the sides of my lips when i softly tapped matt’s thigh and he slowly removed his cock, realizing he might have been a little too rough. i coughed, catching my breath as he pouted at me, faux sympathy showing by the lust in his eyes.
“can’t you take anything?” he asked, tugging the hem of my - his - shirt. “you cry when i spank you, you can’t even blow me properly… weren’t you supposed to act like a good slut?” matt said, helping me remove the white cloth, exposing my breasts. my nipples had been poking through the shirt from a long while, but only now matt decided to zoom in on my nubs. i caught him licking his lips as i positioned myself further on the bed, showing off my body to him. my fingers around as his followed from my neck to my collarbones and down to my tits as i teased my hardened nipples with my own digits.
“so pretty” matt whispered so low i wouldn’t have heard it if i wasn’t paying attention to his lips. “on fours” he said in a serious tone, making my pussy clench.
i turned my body over, standing on my elbows and knees, sticking my ass out as he placed himself on the bed with his knees behind me. matt’s cold fingers touched the waistband of my panties, slowly pulling it down my legs as he filmed everything.
he grabbed his own cock and pumped a few times, spreading the pre-cum along his length before dragging his dick between my buttcheeks and moving it down my cunt, lazily rubbing my folds, not really trying to fuck me. after teasing me a bit more, matt quickly put the camera back on his nightstand, now filming both of us.
matt placed his digits on my entrance, pressing my wet hole with two fingers. he slowly started to push in, but didn’t go all the way, pulling out when he saw me biting my own lips. i whined in protest - i needed him to fill me up. “fucking shut up” he spoke in a lighter mood than in the beginning of the night, showing that he was now just as needy as me.
his hands rested on my hips, holding it tight as he gradually buried himself inside of me. his pre-cum and all of my juices made it easier for matt to slide in, quickly stretching my walls and not giving me time to adjust to his size before pounding into me. “gosh- matt!” i moaned, throwing my head back as my cunt throbbed.
“always so tight for me” he said, hovering his body over mine. his chest was almost glued to my back, one of matt’s hands holding my jaw so he could kiss me. “who owns that pretty cunt, huh?” matt asked, my mouth hanging open as i could no longer stop my gruntings “y-you! ah-”.
“my fucking slut” he kept on talking while jointing his hips forward, cock finally hitting my spot. “only mine”.
“yes matt, fuck!” i pleaded, feeling my cunt clench its own walls against his dick. “i’m gonna cum, please!”
“don’t you fucking dare coming before me” matt said as his thrusts turned sloppier, trying to reach his orgasm. “f-fuck, taking me so well” he groaned loudly, palm once again meeting my ass as he slapped my skin. suddenly, i felt matt’s release filling me up completely, his sticky spurt leaking down my thighs as he finally allowed me to cum as well. my whole body trembled as my orgasm washed over me, my chest panting heavily, letting my head fall on the mattress.
matt slowly pulled out of me, lying down by my side as he came back from his high.
“are you okay?” matt asked, his hand resting on my back while i still recovered. “was i too rough?” he caressed my skin and i could feel the concern in his voice starting to show as i didn’t say anything in response.
“i’m never” i started, still out of breath. “losing the fucking card again”. i heard matt chuckle as he moved his other arm further, trying to reach the nightstand. he grabbed the camera and placed it next to my face. “say hi, pretty”
“hi pretty” i joked, matt giggling before turning the lenses to himself and winking to the video, pressing the finish button and closing the video screen. “and yes, babe. i’m okay” i assured him. “im sorry for being irresponsible and-“ he cut me off with a kiss. as he pressed his lips against mine, i realized he was no longer mad at me, and i could finally let myself relax.
“by the way” he spoke, throwing the camera on his side of the bed “you can leak this one” i giggled, hugging him, both of us acknowledging we could never - ever - lose this flash card again.
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taglist (drop a 🌸!): @thepubeburgler @marselise @pearlzier @mattsfavbitchhh
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sturnsreckless · 2 months ago
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𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐍 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒,, m. sturniolo
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summary: matt feels like you aren’t considering his feelings and not putting as much effort into your relationship as he is, so he brings it up to you which results in conflict but was quick to be resolved
cw: angst. crying, resolved angst, arguing
a/n: this is really long so for my angst lovers, enjoy
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you and matt had never had an argument as big as this. yous had had small disagreements and quarrels, which were solved in minutes. never huge fights. never the way it is going on right now.
you both had been trying to juggle your lives also while trying to maintain a happy, healthy relationship. which isn’t easy. with that, you were both on the brink of breaking down any moment now. but instead of that, your emotions turned into a big fight. not a good one.
today, you weren’t working in the office and matt wasnt out filming with his brothers. he wasn’t in the best of moods right now, you were too in your head. the perfect cause of a disaster. throughout the whole day, small things kept on building and building until everything went down hill after dinner.
you had been washing you and matt’s dishes, he cleaning up all the other little things. when he had made a snarky comment about how good of a sight it was seeing you finally cleaning up, had made you snap.
you had been moaning about it for a good hour, screaming at one another in the kitchen attempting to get your feelings out some sort of way.
“i just don’t fucking get it sometimes,” matt spat at you, “it’s like all you care and think about is yourself.”
“what?! what the fuck are you even saying?!” you yelled, the anger that had slightly died down was rising straight back up.
“you are the most narcissistic, self-centred, most selfish person i have ever met,” matt said through gritted teeth, “you never think about me. you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
he took a step closer to you as you slammed the dish you were cleaning down, “you’re the one that’s inconsiderate, not me” he says.
“are you fucking kidding me? don’t talk to me like that ever again, asshole!” you said squinting your eyes at him.
a bitter laugh left matt’s lips, walking right up to you and looking down at you, “i’ll say whatever i want, sweetheart. because for once i’ve reached a fucking breaking point.”
“leave then. fucking leave then, if this is such a problem!” you yell in his face.
you were telling him to leave but this was his house that he shared with his two brothers. nick and chris.
“this is my fucking house. but i will leave!” matt yelled back, “maybe i will just leave and you can spend the rest of your life being the most inconsiderate, selfish jackass on the planet! maybe ill just go find someone who actually values me!”
“are you kidding me right now? are you implying that you’ve been fucking cheating on me?!” you raise your voice in disbelief.
matt hadn’t cheated on you. you just took his words the wrong way.
“no! it was hypothetical! if you’d let me finish, you’d know that!” matt snapped back, “i wouldn’t cheat on you, i love you!”
you were taken aback by his statement, “well, the things you’re fucking saying to me right now don’t scream ‘i love you’ very much!”
“i do love you!” matt snapped, “but god! why are you so selfish, so egotistical, and so inconsiderate! how many times do i have to say it for it to go through your thick, stubborn skull?!”
you scoff, “i’m egotistical? you’re the one that thinks you’re better than everyone else because you make a bag off making shit youtube videos! you constantly think you’re one better than everyone else, matt!”
“i don’t think im better than everyone else! im proud of my work, what the fuck is wrong with that?! i’m proud that i was able to take my passion and make myself a career out of it! i get to play my favourite games and do what i love for a living and have it supported me all while i provide for you too? how is many of that wrong?!”
you furrow your brows at the last part of his sentence, “you provide for me? i’ve got my own job, that i got by myself! i don’t need your fucking money.”
“you live in my house! i pay the bills. you can’t even provide for yourself when you make chump change in a month!” matt was absolutely fuming at this point, taking another step towards you.
you felt hurt at what he said, but you didn’t let it affect the way you presented yourself, “what?! are you fucking kidding me right now? you’re the biggest shit talker and dick head i’ve ever met!”
“no, the biggest dick head you’ve ever met is you! you, with you’re self-righteous ego and narcissistic thought process! i’ve met so many assholes in my life, but no one has even come close to how much of a jerk you are!” matt spat, “i’ve put so many hours into this relationship. i’ve given you everything just for you to come back and act like i don’t care about you, and call me the dickhead?”
you sigh as you think about how much stuff you have to have done by tomorrow, “matt, i don’t have time for this right now!”
“oh, no! i think we have plenty of time for this!” matt said as he slammed his palms on the counter, “we aren’t leaving this kitchen until you can look at me and tell me you truly love me, and that you’re sorry for all the bullshit you’ve been saying!”
you stared in disbelief at what was coming out of his mouth right now, “bullshit i’ve been saying?! you’ve said so much worse than i have, so if it’s anyone that needs an apology it’s me! but i’m not fucking pathetic enough to beg someone for some half-assed apology!”
“bullshit? i’ve been telling the truth this whole entire time!” matt said, you are selfish, you are inconsiderate, you are narcissistic. everything i’ve said is true! and don’t worry, sweetheart. you wouldn’t have to beg me for an apology from me, i’d refuse to give you one, just as you’ve been doing to me this entire time!”
you felt sick to your stomach from what matt was letting fall off his tongue like venom, “why are you with me then?! and done even say ‘it’s because i love you’ because that’s bullshit, because you don’t. if you did you wouldn’t say this whether it’s true or not!”
“i do love you! i love you so fucking much, you don’t even know!” the anger on matt’s face soon gave way to sadness, “i’m just sick of your disregarding my feelings. i’m sick of you being so careless about how i feel or what i want. i’m sick of feeling like the only one that’s pouring my all into this relationship. i’m just tired… it hurts… it hurts me that you never even give me a second thought, even though i have you on my mind at all times.”
“that’s not true at all matt! i do put my all into this relationship and i will give it my last no matter what. i love you more than i can even describe so don’t even fucking doubt that! and give me two times i disregarded your feelings, because i dont!”
“every time i ask you to make dinner so i can do some planning when i come home from filming, you don’t do it! you just brush me off and say you’re too busy or tired! or what about the times i have to beg you to give me some time alone, that i haven’t gotten any privacy in forever. yet you still barge right in when i shut the door and you just start yapping to me!”
“matt you’re not the only one with problems, you know! and i do make us dinner and when i do barge in there’s always a good reason, so don’t even start that!” you spit.
“yes i know that! and i try to help you with your problems when you talk to me about them! but when i come to you with how i feel, you just say you’re too busy to listen to me and that we’ll talk later. but we never do!” matt speaks.
“because when later comes, i always find out that you’re at parties posting up with a bunch of girls. or you’re sitting in a car with nick and chris!” you let roll off your tongue.
“i’d have time for you if you weren’t such a cold, detached person!” matt fires back, “and i’m not ‘sitting in a car’ with nick and chris! we’re working!”
“don’t you ever just think, oh i’m actually in a really good work position compared to other people. because i don’t know if you’ve realised but you don’t need to deal with people constantly blaming you for everything in work because you’re the youngest and easiest to blame and degrade! that is why im always so busy and tired, im constantly cleaning up the shit that you leaving lying about while also juggling my paperwork that i have to do at home!”
“yeah, well you have no idea what it’s like to be a full-time youtuber!” matt said, “i have to keep my fans happy, make videos, do collabs with other creators, all while having my own life! and whenever i come home after being out all day, what do i come home to every time? you sitting on the sofa, on your phone, and not even thinking about what i might want or need after i’ve been busting my ass all day!”
your jaw drops slightly with a puzzled expression on your face, “are you fucking with me? you’re not a child matt, you can do things on your own. just because i’m home before you sometimes does not mean i will be your slave! and if you do, fucking think again!”
“i don’t want a slave! i want my girlfriend! i want someone who cares about me! i want the one i love to put me before anything else!” matt was getting agitated, his eyes starting to water.
“i do matt! i do put you before everything, i try my hardest! i ruin my own mental health for you!” you say with tears running down your face.
“it doesn’t feel like you do!” matt said, “you’re always so distant! you’re always so cold and you never show me any affection! and i’m not asking for much! a kiss every now and again would be nice! you don’t even say you love me unless i say to first!”
you let out a sad sigh, “what do you mean? i kiss you every day! i say i love you all the fucking time!”
“you never do it first though! i’m the only one that ever initiates anything! im the one that is always showing affection! the other day i just wanted a hug after filming and you gave me a one-armed side-hug!”
you rub your eyes out of exhaustion, “matt, i’m tired!”
“i’m tired too!” matt snapped, his voice getting louder now, “im exhausted! im working my ass off to make us money and to make you happy and i get nothing but complaints and coldness in return!”
you whined before huffing out words, “i’m not complaining, you’re the only one complaining right now!”
“yes because you never listen to me!” matt nearly yelled, “im trying to tell you how i actually feel! im opening up and being completely vulnerable with you, you just shoot down every single thing i say! all i want is for you to care!”
“matt i do! i care so fucking much it hurts. i love you more than anything! i left my life in florida to come and stay with you full-time because i knew you didn’t want a long-distance relationship. so if that’s not me considering your feelings then i don’t know what is!”
“i never asked you to move here.” matt said through clenched teeth, “yes, i asked you to move in for the summer, and i get you had a shitty family, but you never had to transfer your job and move your entire life here! you never had to put yourself in a stressful and expressive situation, you did that yourself!”
“no i didn’t! don’t get me wrong i love being here with you, nick and chris. i fucking love it! but it’s really hard sometimes! and i get you’re going through hard times too with your family being in boston but you have open arms everywhere around LA, i don’t, that’s the difference! that is why im so cold and defensive sometimes! im scared to trust!”
“why can’t you trust me?!” matt yelled, “you’ve lived here for a year now! i’ve given you everything just for you to say that you don’t trust me! after all i’ve done for you, after all i’ve given up to make you happy, i still get this kind of bullshit from you!”
you panicked since matt had took what you said the wrong way, “i didn’t say that, baby! i said it’s hard for me to trust anyone other than you!”
“so what does that mean?” matt asked, “i don’t deserve your trust? you don’t trust me when i tell you i love you?”
“it means that i’m bottling everything up inside of me because i don’t trust anyone else other than you because i don’t want to put the stress onto you! i feel like you don’t understand what im going through, which is totally fine, but you don’t ever keep that in mind! yes, you’re going through a hard time too but i am too and you need to think about that when you say things to me. you’re not the only person fucking struggling!”
“no, i get that!” matt argued back, “we’re both going through stuff, but the difference is i make time for you! i make sure that your needs are still met when i have time! you on the other hand disregard my feelings and my wants! you never even try to understand my side, while im constantly trying to get you to understand! and now that i’ve finally gotten you to listen, you’re still saying im wrong!”
“i’m sorry matt! i don’t know what else you want from me, im falling apart over here!”
“i want you! i just want you to love me the way you say you do!” matt said, “i want you to show me, physically, that you care about me! i want you to show me that im a priority in your life, just like you’re a priority in mine!”
“i do care about you! i just go through rough patches where i don’t realise that im not showing you how much i care and love you!”
“why not tell me when you’re going through rough patches? if you’re struggling, then why don’t you tell me so i can be there for you! i’d never think of you any differently, i’d never think to call you selfish or inconsiderate! all you have to do is let me in!” matt exclaims with frustration.
“and that’s one of the hardest things for me to do! it takes time to let people in when you grow up the way i did, when you were constantly told your feelings didn’t matter and if you told people that you were struggling they would think differently of you! and i’m not saying all this for you to feel sorry for me, i’m saying this so you can try and understand it from my perspective.” you explain with tears rolling down your cheeks.
“i do understand! i do understand that you’ve had a hard life and it’s hard to trust and open up, but im not asking you to tell me every single thing that’s ever happened to you and that you’ve ever felt! im asking you to just tell me you miss me, or that you’re upset, or that you’re feeling angry or sad or frustrated! i’m asking you to open up just a little bit so i can do my best and try to show you that i love you!”
you tilt your head back and place your hands over your face before whimpering and tilting your head forward again, “and i’m trying matt!”
“i know you are!” matt said, his voice losing the edge as he looked at your tear stained face with empathy. he took a step closer to you and laid his hands gingerly on your shoulders, “i know you’re trying, i do, and it’s not fair for me to expect you to just completely open up overnight, but you’re tearing me apart too! i’m so worn out and tired from trying to get you to show me that my feelings matter to you!”
you hiccup just before you begin to talk, “i’m really trying to be better matt, i am! and i know what you want from me but it takes time. a lot of time. so please, just give me time and and you’ll get what you want in this relationship. and i’ll give you it whether it wipes me out or not!”
“how much time do i have to give you?” matt sighed, “i’ve given you nearly a year of time. i’ve been trying so hard this entire time to break through whatever wall you have up, and after a year you’re still telling me to wait? i can’t keep waiting forever!”
“i know and it’s not fair on you but it also isn’t fair on me to give you something im not ready for!” you whimper before sighing sadly.
“then what am i supposed to do?” matt exclaimed, stepping backwards and running his fingers through his hair, “if you’re not at a place that you can give me what i need in a relationship, when do you foresee yourself being there? another year? two? never?!”
“i don’t know! that is what i need to figure out and you to trust me on, but it’s hard!” you cry out.
“i’m doing my best to make this easy, but you still keep pushing back when i try to get anything out of you!” matt was frowning frustrated again, taking his hands to his face and massaging his eyes, “im just so tired of trying! i’m at my wits end!”
“matt, im sorry!”
“sorry isn’t good enough anymore!” matt almost shouted, “i don’t want another half-assed apology! that’s all you’ve given me our entire relationship, and it isn’t good enough!”
you internally groan, “matt, it’s not half-assed! i’m being considerate.”
“considerate of who? me? yourself?” matt spat, the anger in his voice returning, “because it seems like you’re trying to avoid having to do any work in our relationship and just want me to accept that you’re not ready!”
“well i don’t know what else you want me to do! because im seriously trying but you’re not giving me the time i need and that just takes us back to square one, baby!” you whine, wiping the tears that is running down your chin.
“but you’re not giving me anything to go off of!” matt’s voice was reaching high octive, the anger and exhaustion on his face evident, “i’ve been trying this entire time and every single time i tell you how i’m feeling you push my away. you ask me to give you time, and what exactly am i supposed to do while i wait other than be miserable?!”
your heart drops, “matt, baby… please. don’t give up on me.” you say your voice and heart breaking all at once.
“i don’t want to give up on you… i don’t!” matt said, the anger leaving his body as he watched your own sadness. he took a step towards you before suddenly wrapping his arms tight around you and pulling you into his chest, “i’m just so tired…” he whispered into your hair.
you sniffle before replying, “me too…”
matt didn’t say anything else, he just held onto you tight and buried his face in your hair. he squeezed you as tight as he closed his eyes and tried to get himself back under control.
there was a long heavy moment of silence that fell over the kitchen before matt finally spoke again, voice low.
“i’m sorry. im sorry im putting so much pressure on you, and you’re not ready. im sorry im losing my patience. i love you so much, but i just want to feel loved too… i want to hear you say it…”
“i love you, so fucking much.” whisper into his chest as you close your eyes, tears spilling out.
matt squeezed you tighter at your words, one of his hands reaching around to touch the back of your head in a protective hold. he rested his chin on top of your head, burying his face in the top of it as he closed his eyes again and inhaled the familiar scent of your shampoo. you could feel his body relax as you spoke, the tension leaving his tired and wear muscles.
“i love you too… i love you so much, even when you drive me crazy…”
“i’m really sorry for making you feel like this… i don’t mean it. i swear. it’s just… i just fuck up everything i do.”
“shhh…” matt hushed you, his hand massaging the back of your head in a soothing manner, “you don’t have to apologise for how you feel. i’m sorry for getting angry at you, i just want you to love me the same way i love you and i got frustrated and impatient.”
“but i fucked up our relationship…” you insecurely whispered into his chest.
“you may have said or done things that weren’t the best, but you haven’t completely ruined this relationship, sweetheart.” matt said quietly, pulling back now so he can look down at your tear stained face.
one of his hands came up to your cheek, his thumb gently swiping away one of the droplets.
“but i have or else we wouldn’t be having this argument…” you whispered.
“arguments are apart of every relationship, baby. this is natural, especially for us.” matt said, his tone gentle as he spoke, “this doesn’t mean you’ve completely ruined us. i still love you, and im sure you still love me.”
“of course i do, and don’t ever doubt it” you say shaking your head and looking down to the ground in embarrassment and shame that you caused this huge argument.
“hey,” matt spoke quietly as he took one of his fingers and placed it under your chin so he could lift it up, forcing you to look at him, “look at me baby,”
“hm?” you hum as you look up at him with a saddened look on your face.
his expression was so much softer than before, the exhaustion and the anger now replaced with love and concern. matt’s eyes searched your face as he kept his hand under you chin to hold you head up.
“i want you to listen to me and really hear me, okay?” he said in a soft and calm voice.
“okay” you whisper groggily due to the waterworks from before, and licking your dry lips.
“i love you. no matter how many times i get angry, or frustrated, or exhausted, i love you more than you will ever truly know. you haven’t ruined this. i haven’t lost my love or trust for you.” matt began to say, keeping his eyes fixed on yours, “i don’t ever want you to think that i don’t love you because i do. all i want is for you to try and meet me where i am, okay?”
“i love you. and im sorry for not doing what you expected from me. thank you for giving me a second chance, i don’t deserve you.” you say as another few tears spill out of your eyes.
“i don’t expect you to be perfect, sweetheart. i know you’ve gone through things and that’s what makes you human, but i know you still love me.” he whispered calmly.
matt dropped his hand from your chin to wrap around your waist again, and he gently pulled you forward to press you against his chest once more, his chin resting on top of your head and his arms wrapped around you in a firm hold.
“i love you” you whisper into his chest for the tenth time today, before leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips, matt returned the kiss with gentle fervour, before burying his head in the crook of your neck and shoulder.
he held you tight, his body relaxing and conforming to your form as he held you close to him, enjoying the feeling of your body against his.
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