#cause I myself am not stupid
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deleted the sleep schedule complaining cause I've been complaining about it too much~~ based on the way things work with me tho I'll work my way back around eventually~~
sorry for complaining about it so much~~
thought of deleting the magnetite question post but that was for a bit of fun thinking and (hopefully) didn't show incompetence with a series I hold so dear~~
or the before bed (what do these skills do) post where I rant and looked them up anyway.... i deeply worry about coming off as stupid
I now worry I've ether revealed too much information or have made myself seem incompetent to some degree~~
now anxiety is gnawing at me trying to complete a stupid cycle I'm trapped in~~~ I'd often delete my blog cause I feel like I've revealed too much personal stuff~~ but I always come back after a while anyway, different username, same walpaper, theme, and icon... so realistically there's no point in nuking it~~~
I wonder if there are people at the monastery that get too distracted studying relics that they also lose track of time and do what i do? and are constantly backwards sleep schedule wise as a result?
of course anyone of any alignment could probably get their sleeping patterns weird; and to be honest it's probably tied more to morality than anything else tho..... begs the question, which alignment would be more likely to constantly flip flop their sleeping schedule?
I'm assuming the day/night cycle is normal in smt iv? in mikado at least perhaps.... Does Mikado have seasons? I'd like to see winter~~~ Lake Mikado frozen over~~~ snow and ice everywhere~~
if you hide in a pile of snow to scare someone what's the likelihood that you'll die? fun isn't worth death methinks~~
Would the samurai uniforms change for winter in that case? Or is it just one standard all purpose one?
I bet I’m so short that if I wore a coat, it would drag the ground… unless they’re fitted per person. Kinda doubt it tho. Cause it seems they get the outfits immediately after the gauntlet rite…
Now imagining that the town would be decked out for whatever holidays they celebrate in Mikado~~ but what holidays would that be? Christian ones? Do we ever get any info on things such as this?
Interesting ~~~
From an anxious rant; into ‘that would be neat if we got more elaboration on this’
Idk how my mind works am sorry~~~ least I’m not anxious in this moment anymore ~~ lol.
Samurai training in the middle of a blizzard? If they train in places on the surface and it’s not just excursion into naraku…
I’ve somehow fused the anxiety with ‘this’ll be neat’ and am not anxious anymore what happened here?
Idk what this post is am sorry, lol. Stuff lately has just been ‘stream of consciousness with updates’
#personal#thoughts#thinking#i think too much#sleep pattern posts deleted#anxiété#anxitey#anxienty#anxi4ty#anxeity#anxiety the fun ruiner#don't wanna delete my blog again#idk how that started to begin with#worry I'll reveal too much info#or just come off as stupid#don't like coming off as stupid#cause I myself am not stupid#rant post that turned into me curious about Mikado#do we ever get holidays for The Eastern Kingdom?#Eastern Kingdom of Mikado#mikado#holidays#from anxiety to that would be neat#or do the angels not like fun#hope you all enjoy my stream of conciousness posts lately#tho I’m assuming no cause I still feel I post too much lately#and I haven’t been larping either cause idk where what little story I’ve got going on is going#gotta make more larp soon tbh~~#it was kinda fun#idk what this post is am sorry lol
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i need guenhwyvar to be Cat so bad
#dnd#dungeons and dragons#forgotten realms#drizzt do'urden#legend of drizzt#ra salvatore didn’t write about ALL the cups and plates that guen destroyed in blingdenstone but i know the truth#i think all the art i've made exists somewhere between homeland and exile/during exile#bc that's where i am rn and i will not spoil myself#her purrs must be SO loud#enough to cause an earthquake#i love these stupid books so much i'm so ill#she's literally described as his first and closest friend you CANNOT tell me he doesn't give her all the scritches and snuggles she wants
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Ehe-he im very busy and was mentally unprepared for the rollercoaster i have these past 3 days so im not even posting stuff, but hey i drew my fave girl during food-break! Love her more and more each ep, esp after the 4th
#tadc ragatha#the amazing digital circus ragatha#ragatha fanart#the amazing digital circus#tadc fanart#tadc#ragatha#ragatha tadc#the amazing digital circus episode 4#tadc ep 4#my art#digital drawing#artists on tumblr#art tag#fanart#i am becoming hysterical over an exam `cause it is si stupid i wanna cry#that`s why i wasn`t even posting yesterday#i swear i have all asks sketched out but i can`t bring myself to finish `em#i WILL do `em once i`ll done my preparations i promise!
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idk if you've watched any of Jello's ISAT streams but
Odile wearing Jordans
based on that one twitter post
#isat#in stars and time#isat odile#combining the jordans joke with this pose redraw#because I can :)#day 15#man this is cursed#jello's streams are how I got into isat actually#big epithet erased fan here#Or was. Cause. This stupid game replaced my fixation on it#I was like after watching the stream. Ok I will Not be able to stop thinking about this unless I play it for myself. So I did#Speedran the game in 2 days; joined the discord; and now here I am#Anyways I should go do that ee x isat crossover soon
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drabbles about the deer imagery in The Secret History (specifically in relation 2 Camilla) because her becoming a deer/believing that she did stuck in my mind (although this post will mostly take Camilla and the other's recollection of events to be as they recount it – if i examine it in it's effect as an incorrect account, that would be in a separate post)
Obviously there's, on a meta level, an irony to it – Camilla and Charles are named to make fun of the Princess Diana scandal that was happening at the time, and so ironically Camilla transforms into an animal sacred to Diana.
There's also a parallel that I think could be interesting to make between Camilla and Taygete, who for anyone unfamiliar, was turned into a deer by Artemis to protect her from Zeus' sexual advances. Although I think that what happened in the Bacchae was concensual sexually, I think it could possible be indicative in Camilla's narrative role as the "wanted"/"desired" one within the greek class – by Charles, Henry, Richard (although he wasnt there) and even Francis, although he wants to be her more so than actually wanting her.
Additionally, outside of how it actually functions within the story, her transformation into a creature associated so closely with innocence, especially in relation to Diana/Artemis' virginity, might perhaps be tied to Richards view of her as this "pure" and "virginal" person – obviously we know this is far from the truth, and he himself learns this later, but I think it definitely ties into this flawed angelic idea of her he so covets.
I think this interpretation ties into the myth of Actaeon (in terms of "deer transformation myths") although its very interesting to me that they different at key points – Camilla, the "virginual" character, is the one transformed, rather than the sexual transgressor (Charles) or the one who introduces miasma (Henry). But, like Actaeon, she is pursued and hunted – which, another key point – Actaeon is pursued and killed by his own hunting dogs, and Charles returns from the ritual with a bite mark, perhaps tying him into the myth thurther?
#sillies sillies#gay people will really write 5 paragraphs of analysis about a book written in the nineties instead of studing#(talking about himself)#~350 words isnt much BUT i dont write much literature analysis 4 myself outside of class#so I'm quite happy with this#feel free 2 add stuff on 🫡 I'm more familiar with Homer's works (and bits of Ovid) than i am wider greek myths#so if im missing any interesting deer transformation myths let me know :D#LOVE carmilla. obviously as flawed as any character but she's so interesting 2 me#both of the twins are honestly. what the fuck was their childhoods like that made them like that#cause. we know bits and pieces about francis and Henry's childhoods#and obviously Richard's#but i feel like we know so little about the twin's...#anyways#the secret history#the kat speaks#camilla macaulay#charles macaulay#francis abernathy#henry winter#richard papen#again not tagging buns cause hes not in here#although i wanna talk about his youth imagery @ some point#he's very Paris 2 me /pos#LOATH henry (ik hes as complex as the rest of them but he just rubs me up the wrong way. dont even hate him 4 the murder) but i really wish#i could hear his opinions on the character of the iliad#WHAT DID HE THINK OF PANDARUS. my boy my love#asshole in my class civ class who's name is very similar 2 henry's called him stupid... arse#he literally ticks every box of the homeric hero whats not to love#anyways. absolutely ESSAY of a post and tags#soz guys
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im having the worst body day in a good while in terms of pain but i refuse to lay down. for there lies the road to the devil (mental health spiraling with nothing to distract from it). i SHOULD cook. but im not sure ill be able to with the pain. especially since the pain is because it feels like literally nothing is sticking together, like im much more bendy and hypermobile and useless than normal, which severely affects both motor skills and body strength. not to mention that this is causing a bad jaw day where so chewing is pain cause i already cant keep it in place and keep my mouth properly closed. i keep complaining but like, holy fuck i want off this illness ride
#i wanna paint my nails also but i dont need to i just feel like it and also thatd cause worse pain but also hhrhgghh#glitter................. sparkles.....#but also i wanna shower cause im cold but i wont be able to stand up right now AND handle potentially passing out#id like to not slip and injure myself if i can at all help it if thats not too much to ask...#man im typing and causing myself pain from it but like what else am i supposed to fucking DOOOOOO#GGRRREAAAAAAAAA#im struggling to comprehend how its NOT the norm to be like this#like what do you MEAN this isnt the default human experience. what do you mean there are people who are free from this#at first i didnt understand i was fucked up because everyone told me im overreacting and everyone has it#only to find out that no they fucking dont and ive been damaged beyond repair trying to reach other peoples ability level#like how do you NOT feel angry and bitter about that? i dont WANT to be but abled people sell you a fucking lie#and then punish you for noticing signs that somethings amiss. and then YOURE the one whos demanding for being burnt out beyond repair#and unable to pretend youre fine and just like them for their comforts sake. god im sorry im just so#i cannot explain this as anything else but an ongoing process of grief and trauma and mourning#and i want to believe in reincarnation solely so that i could have another chance at life#where im not sick and forced to continue giving up the only things that made this pain at all bearable in the first place#im sorry ill be fine or rather i HAVE to be fine because otherwise i dont know what to do with myself and thats crushing me from within#silvi talks#i need a tag for my stupid annoying whining about my fucked up flesh lmao
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Okay but we got Vox and Velvette fighting with someone in their songs like Vox and Alastor, and then Velvette and Carmila Carmine Soo like I think we should have Valentino and Husk sing like hear me out, think of it as Valentino either begining a song and then Husk sings while like trying to protect angel dust or something (like how Vox was singing and then Alastor interrupted the song by also singing) or you can think of it as Valentino about to hurt angel dust or something then Husk just starts singing about how he should get the fuck away or some shit (like uh how while Velvette was talking to Zestial and Carmila interrupted her by singing) you know like we should have it and if it isn't him beefing with Husk then let it be him beefing with angel dust or someone just give me a song with him beefing with someone since the only song he sings in (or at least I think if I'm wrong tell me) was at the final with Vox which I loved by the way I mean they we're so cute singing together at least I just kinda want to hear Valentino sing more is basically what's happening I do want to hear all the vees sing more which is like getting me onto my other thing I want can we have all the vees sing a villain song all together like I'm sure they'd all sound great together like I would love to see it man.
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel vox#hazbin hotel valentino#hazbin hotel velvette#the vees#valentino#vox#velvette#voxval#random stupid post#it should happen#i mostly want the vees to sing a villan song all together cause im sure I'd be blasting that to myself everyday if ir exists.#season two thoughts??#idk if these are original thoughts i just randomly thought of them#so excited for season two though obsessed with this show!!#really am excited to see the plot that happens in season 2 and the songs!!#i eat Hazbin Hotel songs up#don't mind if i spelled anything wrong I'm not sure if i did or not-
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This is the second and involuntary imaginary friend, Shannon sludgy mad vegetable-lamprey, that named itself over a month ago and controls the rabid jealousy center of my brain
#clumps#I am seeing if turning thkngs like this inside out of my brain into world will alter my behavior or mental landscape in any way#It's stupid: the name appeared in my brain from nowhere during a frantic train of thought &#i confused myself with this so much that the distress it was causing screeched to a halt instantly#What does any of that mean? continue
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#brooo how do you join small fandoms that operate as established friend groups as a newcomer I've only been on the “establishing” end ��#like toku//twt is so hostile save for certain mutual circles idk how to integrate myself anywhere#doesn't help that I've had no energy for drawing lately to maybe get ppl to interact first#maybe I should try do smth for the next gavv episode...#I would like to just talk to ppl directly but I've only watched 2 seasons and am shy. plus there's so many random rude ppl#that many accs limit replies anyway. fuck my stupid Baka life#I crave... human connection XO *dies of embarrassment*#I'll just try posting more w keywords for now#I don't wanna start too many new kr seasons if I can't discuss them w ppl while doing so cause the excitement is too much to be alone w#in the meantime I might pick up android kikaider after finishing w tho so I have smth to do#plus I've been meaning to get into showa era toku anyway that was like... the whole point originally#man this reminds me of how I need to interact w spg more too. I have so many cool spg moots I'm in a limbo between coexisting and wanting t#befriend#aauadhkf the mortifying ideal of being knownnn#psii.txt
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How I imagine myself (aka want to be)
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Vent in the tags (sorry in advance)
#Honestly almost cried while sketching this#I feel so stupid#Like why did I agree to wait until i'm 25 to transition#Oh wait I know#Because I love my parents to much and they only really support me if I a) am 25 or b) my mental health is really really bad#Also it's that part of my mind that's doubting everything. That it's just a phase. That i'm not actually transmasc#Also the psychologist I used to go to supported the idea to wait till 25 and was talking about some whos she knew#And how that girl wanted to be a boy but she got a boyfriend and she didn't want to anymore#Or that boy who wanted to be a girl but later found his identity and was secure in his agab#And she kept saying/asking; “Would you be able to accept to be just a manly woman??” And similar questions#And I know it's stupid but because of it I just keep questioning myself over and over#Because now i'm especially scared it's something I grow out off#But I just want to look in a mirror and be happy#And while I do like my clothing. I want other stuff but I feel goddam dysphoric in that#Only things I can change about me is piercings and my hair but even that is something my parents aren't really keen of#Atleast the length is something they are okay with but if it's kinda more a “”man's style“” and I hear only “oh my god it's so manly"#Honestly I just hate that i'm to scared to do anything about it#All the while I suffer#cause I just cant get out of the house without a binder. Always checking how my profile looks like. Crying when its not how I want it to be#Or almost crying when my mom says “that size is better for a girl like you because other wise it looks boyish” even when I confided in her#transmasc#transgender#trans artwork#Trans#Artists on tumbr#Lgbt#my art <3#my own post
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my best friend just told me she's gonna show me her regular ass grocery order when she gets home and i seriously cheered as if she said she was coming over Right Now
#admittedly... i have such low social energy just ebing shown routine/boring things from ppls day to days makes me really happy#cause like!! i know random silly things!! and i can learn so much from that!! like food preferences or even shampoo smells yk???#like augh mundane things < 33333333#(also yes if u want to be my friend its definitely easier if u just take a show and tell approach. like kindergarten show & tell style wehr#u go “HERE'S MY THINGS” nd everyone claps and cheers then it just keeps cycling. i love show and tell. its my favorite way to make friends)#its funny - i literally ramble so much in the tags someone could probably search them and figure out Exactly how to love me w/o me having t#say much to them (Cause i am such an oversharer in tags + ik myself v well) b/c im frequently giving stupid little “cheats”#(ik its not cheats im just being silly with that wording)#i once had a exfriend send me a picture of her reciepts from being out for the day with others (and none of the things she had gotten atp)#and we arent even friends anymore and i STILL think very fondly about that conversation bc ahhhhh <3 i just like knowing random silly thing#im such a friendship bitch
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curse these wretched organs vro what the Fuck man !!!!!!!
#hes on his boyeriod#no one look at him#i love 3rd personing myself hhaha#YEEOWTCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#if i stop posting for a week uhhh tell mick thomson i love her cause i probably died#bro thought i was newgen to escape woodstock 99 🤫🧏♂️#fuck my stupid baka life#this is so sick and twisted#sick and twisted#my entire spinal cord is in excruciatingly agonizing pain but that's nothin compared to literally everything else#fuck it we ball#i justr. gotta keep on roulen.....ough..#slipknot yuri save me#stanley is a crazy insane butch and stanford is just a transgender acearo autism man#the oeriod it's making me see things more clearly this shtits makin me hsve a fuckimg EPIPHANY got DAMN IS IT PAINFUL BRO AAAUGHHGJ#should I just post the words instead of putting everything in the tags am i tumblring wrong#oh my jod vro#oh.my glizzy#Dave I am so litty off this fire zaza you gave me#<==quote from a Dirk Strider ms doodle thing by someone else I literally JUST saw it I'll make sure you see the post too#FUCK#ok byebye gang#i love you vro. ❤️#I should prooobably make a tag for when I do shit like this ok fuck wai t#hmmm yapper tag what do i name it hrmm thinks really really hard#st3r1l3s YAPPIN..#Sssssssigan viendo...#ok bye fo rilly this time vro. ❤️
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the ‘personality’ of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that they’re Real but i’m a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how they’re from the narrator’s consciousness which is sick as hell#and i’m unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i don’t know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( i’m not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i don’t know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and it’s all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the ‘what if their blog self Was Real’ but i’m not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably don’t think i know enough and i don’t think they’ll approve if i try. so i Don’t#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but that’s incredibly hopeful#i’ll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to ‘oh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidents’#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that i’m stupid because i didnt try#even though i’m trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else i’ve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends ☝️#man i can’t even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasn’t allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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brain: ok, you need to start working on the taocc episode animatic.
me: yeah yeah, dw, i got it 😎
also me: *spends all day coming up with a character for a comic series i came up with*
#Sigh. Guys. I know. I said id work on it.#MY STUPID PROCRASTINATION AND ADHD KEEPS SAYING “FUCK YOU. DO THIS UNNECESSARY THING INSTEAD.”#And so i made voidling (doesn't have a name. Goes by species name cause its one of the only sentient voidling and it dont like-#unselfchosen names.)#For a sci fi fantasy comic series i came up with.#Sobbing.#I am so sorry.#i blame myself but also blame my inability to DO SHIT IM SUPPOSED TO DO.
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starting to get a new crush oops...
#i think it's good tho#I'll finally stop rotating the same three people as six months ago im my head#(who i know don't want me)#and find out exactly how am i going to manage liking someone again#after the whole debacle i caused in January with my stupid hurtful behaviour#or maybe this won't get anywhere idk. it's already happened with a girl I've met in spring#that i ended up not actually liking#i think this is already a healthier behaviour#not expecting things really#I'm proud of myself!!#personal
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#personal#tag rant#im not sure if it’s just because of the general stress and shit that’s been goin on lately but ive just been losing it today#like i just feel awful about myself and my life and like i feel so fucking stupid for moving away from home just to end up working a shit#retail job and not even going to college#trying to chase some fucking minuscule dream that ive made hardly any headway in#like how fucking stupid am i?#and the worst part is i don’t want to give up on it#cause i know ill never forgive myself if i do cause at the end of the day i love doing it so much#and that just makes me hate myself more#cause i should just go and try to make something of myself and make my family proud and not squander my life and my chances#i just want to make my life worth something#and right now i feel pretty fucking worthless and everyone can see it#fucking failure#and like i know the obvious answers are to just change it#don’t like your life? change it!#i jusy don’t know how when i feel like this#i just don’t know what to do#negativity#delete later
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