#cause I myself am not stupid
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
deleted the sleep schedule complaining cause I've been complaining about it too much~~ based on the way things work with me tho I'll work my way back around eventually~~
sorry for complaining about it so much~~
thought of deleting the magnetite question post but that was for a bit of fun thinking and (hopefully) didn't show incompetence with a series I hold so dear~~
or the before bed (what do these skills do) post where I rant and looked them up anyway.... i deeply worry about coming off as stupid
I now worry I've ether revealed too much information or have made myself seem incompetent to some degree~~
now anxiety is gnawing at me trying to complete a stupid cycle I'm trapped in~~~ I'd often delete my blog cause I feel like I've revealed too much personal stuff~~ but I always come back after a while anyway, different username, same walpaper, theme, and icon... so realistically there's no point in nuking it~~~
I wonder if there are people at the monastery that get too distracted studying relics that they also lose track of time and do what i do? and are constantly backwards sleep schedule wise as a result?
of course anyone of any alignment could probably get their sleeping patterns weird; and to be honest it's probably tied more to morality than anything else tho..... begs the question, which alignment would be more likely to constantly flip flop their sleeping schedule?
I'm assuming the day/night cycle is normal in smt iv? in mikado at least perhaps.... Does Mikado have seasons? I'd like to see winter~~~ Lake Mikado frozen over~~~ snow and ice everywhere~~
if you hide in a pile of snow to scare someone what's the likelihood that you'll die? fun isn't worth death methinks~~
Would the samurai uniforms change for winter in that case? Or is it just one standard all purpose one?
I bet Iām so short that if I wore a coat, it would drag the groundā¦ unless theyāre fitted per person. Kinda doubt it tho. Cause it seems they get the outfits immediately after the gauntlet riteā¦
Now imagining that the town would be decked out for whatever holidays they celebrate in Mikado~~ but what holidays would that be? Christian ones? Do we ever get any info on things such as this?
Interesting ~~~
From an anxious rant; into āthat would be neat if we got more elaboration on thisā
Idk how my mind works am sorry~~~ least Iām not anxious in this moment anymore ~~ lol.
Samurai training in the middle of a blizzard? If they train in places on the surface and itās not just excursion into narakuā¦
Iāve somehow fused the anxiety with āthisāll be neatā and am not anxious anymore what happened here?
Idk what this post is am sorry, lol. Stuff lately has just been āstream of consciousness with updatesā
#personal#thoughts#thinking#i think too much#sleep pattern posts deleted#anxiĆ©tĆ©#anxitey#anxienty#anxi4ty#anxeity#anxiety the fun ruiner#don't wanna delete my blog again#idk how that started to begin with#worry I'll reveal too much info#or just come off as stupid#don't like coming off as stupid#cause I myself am not stupid#rant post that turned into me curious about Mikado#do we ever get holidays for The Eastern Kingdom?#Eastern Kingdom of Mikado#mikado#holidays#from anxiety to that would be neat#or do the angels not like fun#hope you all enjoy my stream of conciousness posts lately#tho Iām assuming no cause I still feel I post too much lately#and I havenāt been larping either cause idk where what little story Iāve got going on is going#gotta make more larp soon tbh~~#it was kinda fun#idk what this post is am sorry lol
0 notes
Text
i need guenhwyvar to be Cat so bad
#dnd#dungeons and dragons#forgotten realms#drizzt do'urden#legend of drizzt#ra salvatore didnāt write about ALL the cups and plates that guen destroyed in blingdenstone but i know the truth#i think all the art i've made exists somewhere between homeland and exile/during exile#bc that's where i am rn and i will not spoil myself#her purrs must be SO loud#enough to cause an earthquake#i love these stupid books so much i'm so ill#she's literally described as his first and closest friend you CANNOT tell me he doesn't give her all the scritches and snuggles she wants
3K notes
Ā·
View notes
Note
idk if you've watched any of Jello's ISAT streams but
Odile wearing Jordans
based on that one twitter post
#isat#in stars and time#isat odile#combining the jordans joke with this pose redraw#because I can :)#day 15#man this is cursed#jello's streams are how I got into isat actually#big epithet erased fan here#Or was. Cause. This stupid game replaced my fixation on it#I was like after watching the stream. Ok I will Not be able to stop thinking about this unless I play it for myself. So I did#Speedran the game in 2 days; joined the discord; and now here I am#Anyways I should go do that ee x isat crossover soon
912 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
....I just wanted to draw gators :T at this point these 2 are more 'a representation of my last 2 brain cells' then they are actual characters š
#im living vicariously through the cartoon guys#because i want to A. pick up gator (strong man style)#and B. ..pick up gator (hug)#ok but so i recently found out an area where i take stupid little walks for my stupid little mental health#has! GATORS!! (potentially. theres signs.)#and this is great cause seeing gators would def heal me as a person#but ok so when i look for hiking places i always look north cause the terrains more hilly#but now im lookin south more cause turns out i AM in fact far enough south to see gators!!#and yeah looks like theres a handful of nature reserves w hiking trails the same distance away as the little mountain trails i go to#its flatter and the trails are less extensive so ill hafta see if i think its worth it#but then too theres a really big black water swamp that.. further away then i wanna drive..#but also i drove 5 hrs once just to go to mammoth cave as a day trip so.. we'll see..#my friend says he wont go w me tho :T he'll just report me missing#this has been a tag ramble about my sudden outset intrest in seeing a gator#my bullshit#lol barely but still#also- i told myself not to over do it drawin the scales or coloring it#and as you can see i dont listen to myself ever#lol they look outta place but idc i got to draw 2 of my favorite characters and also ALLIGATORS :U#living the dream rn
421 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
I wish I could be very normal and ' enjoy each day as it comes' and 'live in the moment' but unfortunately if I do that how will I be prepared for the future in which I am more miserable???
#i just wish i could relax and enjoy thinge#but i cant#if i stop worrying about things that might not happen they will happen#not proven but very very likely#and id rather be emotionally prepared#i am prepared for the day when all my friends realize i actually am terrible and manipulative and leave me behind#like im not fine with it and in fact it would kill me#but it could very well happen so im at least a little prepared for#last time i was too happy and rrlaxed everything went to shit#if i had a nickel for every time i was happy and relaxed and everythung went to shit#id have two nickels#i guess id have 3 cause i think i might have been happy as a toddler#but when I turned 5 i became cognizant and then bam#lifetime of undiagnosed and unmedicated anxiety#haha#anyway#sorry for the random vent i have accidentally put myself in the trenches over nothing#vent tw#pls dont respond it generally makes me feel worse#and makes me feel like im manipulating people#if you read this far im sorry ill also be fine im just anxious and stressed about stupid stuff as usual
35 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
Anyone else just not feeling like a real person much lately?
#'lately' he says#as if he's not been feeling this way for the last 28 years#idk man#maybe it's bc I'm getting older and so are the people i hang/chat with#but it feels like everyone else has a real life and real interests and experiences and things to say#and I'm some kind of hollow scarecrow person just full of memory loss and sadness#i feel very stupid and very boring#which i know is too harsh. and i know i should be kinder to myself bc life and covid and shit can't have helped the brain situation#and i should absolutely believe my friends when they say they wanna hang with me bc it's mean not to take them at their word#but I'm still like... why though?#genuinely what's the appeal of being around me. my head is empty i have nothing to add and I'm not interesting or that funny#it's been creeping up on me. this feeling like i just genuinely have nothing to offer.#i don't even know who i am#except for a person who like. lives vicariously through fictional characters experiencing feelings I've never had cause to feel#i can relate to emotions SO vividly except i myself haven't even felt the half of them#i just sort of quietly exist somewhere on the spectrum between content and discontent#with occasional drops into the despair zone#and even if the stuff i think is keeping me here went away tomorrow. like if mum stopped being an issue and i was free#like... what would i even do?#i don't even know how to want something#anyway. this has been morning mental breakdowns with newt#I'm going to go make some made up guys live the life i haven't now#mr. bees speaks#negative
31 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
24 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
Fighting for my life here, drawing these hands took TWO fucking hours
#yesterday I got possesed and said to myself I should redraw one of my year old pieces for the hell of it#it was going great exept I accidentally made the sketch#into an actuall sketch#that I couldn't work with#dont ask how that heaped#and I think I am pretty vocal about my hate for lineart and its KIlling meee#that stupid fucking gear on his left hand will sign itself as a cause of death istg#if you can recognize which art im redrawing than you're a true og#miles nine prower#littol doodl#me does arts
22 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
Okay but we got Vox and Velvette fighting with someone in their songs like Vox and Alastor, and then Velvette and Carmila Carmine Soo like I think we should have Valentino and Husk sing like hear me out, think of it as Valentino either begining a song and then Husk sings while like trying to protect angel dust or something (like how Vox was singing and then Alastor interrupted the song by also singing) or you can think of it as Valentino about to hurt angel dust or something then Husk just starts singing about how he should get the fuck away or some shit (like uh how while Velvette was talking to Zestial and Carmila interrupted her by singing) you know like we should have it and if it isn't him beefing with Husk then let it be him beefing with angel dust or someone just give me a song with him beefing with someone since the only song he sings in (or at least I think if I'm wrong tell me) was at the final with Vox which I loved by the way I mean they we're so cute singing together at least I just kinda want to hear Valentino sing more is basically what's happening I do want to hear all the vees sing more which is like getting me onto my other thing I want can we have all the vees sing a villain song all together like I'm sure they'd all sound great together like I would love to see it man.
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel vox#hazbin hotel valentino#hazbin hotel velvette#the vees#valentino#vox#velvette#voxval#random stupid post#it should happen#i mostly want the vees to sing a villan song all together cause im sure I'd be blasting that to myself everyday if ir exists.#season two thoughts??#idk if these are original thoughts i just randomly thought of them#so excited for season two though obsessed with this show!!#really am excited to see the plot that happens in season 2 and the songs!!#i eat Hazbin Hotel songs up#don't mind if i spelled anything wrong I'm not sure if i did or not-
32 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
How I imagine myself (aka want to be)
Vent in the tags (sorry in advance)
#Honestly almost cried while sketching this#I feel so stupid#Like why did I agree to wait until i'm 25 to transition#Oh wait I know#Because I love my parents to much and they only really support me if I a) am 25 or b) my mental health is really really bad#Also it's that part of my mind that's doubting everything. That it's just a phase. That i'm not actually transmasc#Also the psychologist I used to go to supported the idea to wait till 25 and was talking about some whos she knew#And how that girl wanted to be a boy but she got a boyfriend and she didn't want to anymore#Or that boy who wanted to be a girl but later found his identity and was secure in his agab#And she kept saying/asking; āWould you be able to accept to be just a manly woman??ā And similar questions#And I know it's stupid but because of it I just keep questioning myself over and over#Because now i'm especially scared it's something I grow out off#But I just want to look in a mirror and be happy#And while I do like my clothing. I want other stuff but I feel goddam dysphoric in that#Only things I can change about me is piercings and my hair but even that is something my parents aren't really keen of#Atleast the length is something they are okay with but if it's kinda more a āāman's styleāā and I hear only āoh my god it's so manly"#Honestly I just hate that i'm to scared to do anything about it#All the while I suffer#cause I just cant get out of the house without a binder. Always checking how my profile looks like. Crying when its not how I want it to be#Or almost crying when my mom says āthat size is better for a girl like you because other wise it looks boyishā even when I confided in her#transmasc#transgender#trans artwork#Trans#Artists on tumbr#Lgbt#my art <3#my own post
12 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
this is a test
#iām bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters thatās actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring letās think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk iām not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad thatās a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isnāt all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw thereās probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i donāt#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like iām actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much itās crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books theyāre all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry thatās made everything a bit messy. i shouldāve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think youāre being annoying i literally donāt care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now itās just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i donāt really have any thoughts to put here idk if weāre halfway ermmmm omg itās#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. itās wild how itās basically almost christmas. like#what. thatās illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesnāt crash or#smth cause iāve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but iāve saved it and holy jesus itās a lot of text im just sat here giggling thereās really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldnāt that be crazy) so wait thereās 140#haracters and 30 tags so whatās 30 x 140. someone hurry. i havenāt done maths lessons in two and a half years iāve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
8 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
my best friend just told me she's gonna show me her regular ass grocery order when she gets home and i seriously cheered as if she said she was coming over Right Now
#admittedly... i have such low social energy just ebing shown routine/boring things from ppls day to days makes me really happy#cause like!! i know random silly things!! and i can learn so much from that!! like food preferences or even shampoo smells yk???#like augh mundane things < 33333333#(also yes if u want to be my friend its definitely easier if u just take a show and tell approach. like kindergarten show & tell style wehr#u go āHERE'S MY THINGSā nd everyone claps and cheers then it just keeps cycling. i love show and tell. its my favorite way to make friends)#its funny - i literally ramble so much in the tags someone could probably search them and figure out Exactly how to love me w/o me having t#say much to them (Cause i am such an oversharer in tags + ik myself v well) b/c im frequently giving stupid little ācheatsā#(ik its not cheats im just being silly with that wording)#i once had a exfriend send me a picture of her reciepts from being out for the day with others (and none of the things she had gotten atp)#and we arent even friends anymore and i STILL think very fondly about that conversation bc ahhhhh <3 i just like knowing random silly thing#im such a friendship bitch
8 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
curse these wretched organs vro what the Fuck man !!!!!!!
#hes on his boyeriod#no one look at him#i love 3rd personing myself hhaha#YEEOWTCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#if i stop posting for a week uhhh tell mick thomson i love her cause i probably died#bro thought i was newgen to escape woodstock 99 š¤«š§āāļø#fuck my stupid baka life#this is so sick and twisted#sick and twisted#my entire spinal cord is in excruciatingly agonizing pain but that's nothin compared to literally everything else#fuck it we ball#i justr. gotta keep on roulen.....ough..#slipknot yuri save me#stanley is a crazy insane butch and stanford is just a transgender acearo autism man#the oeriod it's making me see things more clearly this shtits makin me hsve a fuckimg EPIPHANY got DAMN IS IT PAINFUL BRO AAAUGHHGJ#should I just post the words instead of putting everything in the tags am i tumblring wrong#oh my jod vro#oh.my glizzy#Dave I am so litty off this fire zaza you gave me#<==quote from a Dirk Strider ms doodle thing by someone else I literally JUST saw it I'll make sure you see the post too#FUCK#ok byebye gang#i love you vro. ā¤ļø#I should prooobably make a tag for when I do shit like this ok fuck wai t#hmmm yapper tag what do i name it hrmm thinks really really hard#st3r1l3s YAPPIN..#Sssssssigan viendo...#ok bye fo rilly this time vro. ā¤ļø
10 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
brain: ok, you need to start working on the taocc episode animatic.
me: yeah yeah, dw, i got it š
also me: *spends all day coming up with a character for a comic series i came up with*
#Sigh. Guys. I know. I said id work on it.#MY STUPID PROCRASTINATION AND ADHD KEEPS SAYING āFUCK YOU. DO THIS UNNECESSARY THING INSTEAD.ā#And so i made voidling (doesn't have a name. Goes by species name cause its one of the only sentient voidling and it dont like-#unselfchosen names.)#For a sci fi fantasy comic series i came up with.#Sobbing.#I am so sorry.#i blame myself but also blame my inability to DO SHIT IM SUPPOSED TO DO.
12 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
starting to get a new crush oops...
#i think it's good tho#I'll finally stop rotating the same three people as six months ago im my head#(who i know don't want me)#and find out exactly how am i going to manage liking someone again#after the whole debacle i caused in January with my stupid hurtful behaviour#or maybe this won't get anywhere idk. it's already happened with a girl I've met in spring#that i ended up not actually liking#i think this is already a healthier behaviour#not expecting things really#I'm proud of myself!!#personal
6 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
5 notes
Ā·
View notes