#cathy watches star trek

[maulthots]

Dystopia is when you let a woman labor for seven hours to deliver a baby with literal spikes on its head only to say, seven hours I repeat seven hours once again seven hours into it, that you can just transport the baby out of the womb, and you could have done that seven hours ago. And also you were going to let her pop that baby out the old fashioned way when it has I repeat spikes once again spikes on its head.

[maulthots]

It appears we have found our sex appeal, Captain.

every day on voyager we achieve the impossible

[thisisarebeljyn]

Tag nine (9) people you’d like to know better

I was tagged by @juliannos

Last song: No Blame by Christina Chong this is the actress who plays La’an on Strange New Worlds she is launching her music career check her out!

Currently watching: Schitt’s Creek as my vision problems caused me to miss the last 2 seasons when it was airing but I now am watching the whole thing. And Star Trek: Discovery with my mom as I introduce her to new Trek. I am on season 3 of both right now.

Currently reading: I'm currently reading 2 series. At the 20th book in the Phryne Fisher series by Kerry Greenwood. These are the books the TV show was based on. And then I just started the Fandom Hearts romance series by Cathy Yardley.

Current obsession: the cozy farming sim Wylde Flowers, I am obsessed indeed. Love this game and it’s witchy fun times. It’s extremely LGBTQIA+ friendly and it’s fully voice acted. Just a brilliant fun game. Highly recommend. It’s on steam, switch, and Apple Arcade.

Tagging (only if you wanna!): @bunnymcfoo @idyllspace @tonicious @lurkerdelima @machtaholic @arenee1999 @sinsensory @ishipallthings @caughtdaydreaming

[what-if-i-just-did]

Writing Realistic Future Names

You writing something with aliens? Dystopian future? Doctor Who fic? 'Humans are the Weird ones' post? Need names?

Are you, like me, tired of dystopian names which are normal names written dumbly, or futuristic settings with normal names (looking at you Star Trek), or absolute nonsense? Well here's some cool ways to get futuristic names that make sense.

Celeb and Fandom Names

Names like Draco, Hermione, Sherlock, Mycroft, Enola, Benedict, Castiel, Destiel, Jensen, Danneel, Spock, Katniss, Primrose, Teyla, Elsa, Anakin, Loki, Constantine, Jinx, Rhianna, Catra, Adora, Zendaya, Halsey, Misha/Mischa, Korra, Katara, Toph, Cardi, Mabel, Ariel, Whoopi, Madonna, Oprah, Usain etc are gonna become increasingly popular, like they already are, even more so once enough time passes that people stop associating them with certain pieces of media or certain famous people.

Other Language Names

Historically, in different times different countries have a total global influence, and that will effect names. Right now, it's the USA. During the Rennasaince, it was France. We're pretty close to having Japan and other Asian cultures become the next big influence, what with all the anime everyone globally is watching/reading. Now, depending on how far in the future you're writing, add global influence from other countries. Dutch names like Marjolein and Ninthe and Brechtje, pronounced to the accent of the setting of your story. Try to go with cultures who have potential to be big: don't choose some small country somewhere that nobody has ever heard of. Go for Native American or Mexican or Russian or Japanese or Egyptian.

Surnames

Use surnames for first names! A lot of names that used to be surnames are now gender neutral first names, such as Avery. Use surnames! Johnson, Harris, Smith. All of it!

Strange Shortenings

Shorten traditional names in unntraditional ways! Richard always gets shortened to Richie or (for some unfathomable reason) Dick. What about Char? Chard? Those are kick-ass names. Chris for Christian? Cancelled. It's Tian now. Cathy for Catherine? Wrong. Let's make it Rhine. Amy from Amelia? Let's screw with that, turn it into Ammy. You get it.

Pretty Words

People tend to call their children by name of something pretty, and then those names exist untill after the words have lost their meaning. Right now, most of our names are Biblical Hebrew and Latin and Old English/German. We're at the point where slowly, child names are gonna mean things in today's language again. It's already happening a little; Dawn and Hope and Autumn... but give me children called Justice and Fauna and Prime and Amethyst and Earth. Ash and Queen and Happy and Light and Feline. Give me twins called Sapphire and Sapphic, like we call our twins Catherine and Caithlynn or Tim / Timothy and Tom / Thomas now.

Spelling

Spelling is going to shift with the years, and you want your names to reflect this. This one pretty much only works for at least a hundred years into the future. Here's some guidelines of what spelling might become:

t / th = d

s / k = c

ee = i

a = e (sometimes)

y = i (sometimes)

ks = x

o = oe

h = h (add more often)

Examples: Katherine = Caderine, Timothee = Dimoedhi, Blake = Bleke, Susanna = Cucennah etc. Of course, you can do it your own way, or only use some of these guidelines if you want. Feel free to play around with it. If you chose to go for this, keep in mind that there will still be some names in old spelling, just like we still have towns called Kooperdeck and stuff like that. This technique sounds dangerously close to the "say names while your mouth is full of oreos" technique that some dystopian writers use that I hate, but because it's based on logic and what the future might actually be like, as long as you use this in moderation, it'll sound really cool. Out of these examples, Caderine and Bleke are better to use than Dimoedhi and Cucennah, because "Timothee" and "Susanna" have been pretty much lost. If that's what you're looking for though, then that's your thing, I just personally like to be able to see realistic names and eventhough those names are based on logical prediction, they sound made-up.

Gender

You need to pay attention to the percieved gender of names. You can use names that are gendered or slightly gendered right now as gender neutral names. But if you're inventing new names, do pay attention to whatever percieved gender they have in your universe. You can use Chard and Jensen for girls, Caderine and Sapphire for guys. In fact, you should definetly use names like Loki and Earth and Rhine as non-binary names.

Disclaimer: I haven't studied history, and most things I reference here as 'historically, x has happened and is therefore likely to repeat in the future' are just things I've picked up on and heard about and logically deduced, and they could be wrong. However, I consider myself very smart and I really really like history, so you should consider this as a fairly accurate depection. Just know that if someone who actually studied or researched this topic says I'm wrong then I'm probably wrong.

So there you go! How to write realistic future names. Have fun!

[wulfhalls]

You're full of surprises, you beautiful creature. What other pairings do you ship apart from Daemyra and Jonsa?

otp otps

hannigram - hannibal, chuck x blair - gossip girl, catherine x peter - the great, spirk - star trek, cesare x lucrezia - the borgias, (daemyra and jonsa are also up here lmao)

other pairings I'm into

kastle - the punisher/ daredevil (fuck marvel but the dynamic was too bomb to miss out on so I only watched their scenes exclusively lmao) yennskier - the witcher (if they don't kiss next season I have to blow up netflix unfortunately) kenstew - succession (they have explored each others bodies in the past and will do so again), arthur x eames - inception (the ogs nothing is ever gonna hit like 2014 inception fic livejournal gyzym the only writer EVER) seonho x yeon - my country the new age (ITS THE DEVOTION OF IT ALL) joowon x dongski - beyond evil (its licherally just kdrama hannigram with more daddy issues), gaius x number six (the sexiest bitches who ever caused the destruction of humanity u simply had to be there) , mulder x scully (watching all seasons over a 3 month period when I was like 19 changed my brain chemistry), kaz x inej - shadow and bone (and if I'm a basic bitch at heart then what) dan x amy - veep (will hunt david mandell for sport on day for what he did to them and us <3)

book otps

richanne - the sunne in splendour ( best book best pairing best everything) cathy x heathcliff - wuthering heights (goes insane) leto x ghanima - children of dune (He runs and runs and runs. And when he's exhausted himself, he returns to me, puts his head in my lap and asks me to help him find a way to die. like?????????????????? fucking insane)

[anotheruserwithnoname]

RIP Joanna Cameron

Numerous fan sites are reporting that Joanna Cameron, who played the very first lead female superhero in a television series (The Secrets of Isis), has passed away due to a stroke. At the moment regular media hasn’t picked up on this yet. The sites reporting this are reputable enough that this, sadly, probably isn’t a rumour. (EDIT: the source of the report is her former co-star Joanna Pang - pictured at left.)

Secrets of Isis debuted in September 1975 as a made-for-kids Saturday morning live action series intended to provide a female counterpart to the popular Shazam series, featuring the original Fawcett/DC version of Captain Marvel. Isis (a.k.a. Andrea Thomas) was created exclusively for TV. The show debuted months before Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman and Lindsay Wagner’s The Bionic Woman, making Joanna the first female lead in a superhero series (Yvonne Craig’s Batgirl was a supporting character on Batman; Cathy Lee Crosby’s Wonder Woman never got past the pilot movie). It ran for two seasons and included several crossovers with Shazam, predating the Arrowverse concept of a shared universe. Decades later, DC reintoduced the character in its “52″ mega-series, and a reimagining of the character, now played by Tala Ashe and named Zari Tomaz (later Zari Tarazi), is part of DC’s Legends of Tomorrow; in one of her early episodes, set at Halloween, Tala wore a version of Joanna’s costume from the TV show. The character is not referred to as Isis due to the name gaining negative connotations in recent years.

Joanna was also a popular guest star on shows such as the 1970s version of Amazing Spider-Man, and reportedly held the record for most appearances by an actress in TV commercials. Her bio also mentions she appeared in the film Pretty Maids All in a Row, one of the few projects Gene Roddenberry produced that didn’t have “Star Trek” in the title.

I was very late to the party when it came to Isis. I grew up in a city that never got the show, so I mostly knew it from the (better-than-you’d expect) DC Comic book spin-off, and of course I finally watched the DVDs. It was definitely made for kids - violence was non-existent and Isis, much like Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman, was pretty much restricted to pushing and harsh language when it came to dealing with villains. And of course every episode ended with Isis talking to the audience and hammering home the moral of each episode (this was pretty much mandatory for American Saturday morning shows back in the 70s). But all that side, it was a fun show, Joanna Cameron was charismatic in the part, and even though she had a long career in film and TV (before leaving acting to work in health care and marketing), it’s a groundbreaking role that she’ll be most remembered for. RIP.

[icarusthelunarguard]

This Week’s Horrible-Scopes

Aries

Vacationing is going to be tough this year, so plan on doing it all remotely. Instead of a PenPal system, how about setting up a way for people to tele-vacation via Zoom or something? People in great locations that are local to them can bring a camera, show you around in real time, and you get to make new friends! Sounds like fun?

Taurus

Feeling like you were adopted is normal. Sometimes we all feel like we don’t fit in; and that’s ok. Just remember that family isn’t always about genetics. We’re your family of choice now. And we kinda need to ask if we can borrow your truck to move house. Please?

Gemini

Saturday is going to be your best day this week. Buy some frozen waffles, pancakes, french toast, and good quality bacon and syrup for a Saturday Morning Cartoon Cramfest! Don’t worry if you can’t find a onesie to fit you.

Cancer Moon-Child

How many “Bionic” people have there been, including the 2007 Bionic Woman reboot and excluding any cartoon characters? You want to say “four”, don’t you? Well, the answer is “Five”. No, that doesn’t include “Max” the bionic dog. You didn’t know about “The Seven Million Dollar Man”, did you? Go buy the box set and watch it all again - and watch out for a young John de Lancie!

Leo

You’re not off the hook either, Leo. After you find the episode of “The Bionic Man” with John De Lancie in it, pull up the rebooted “Mission: Impossible” series from 1988. Mr. de Lancie was the villain in that episode, after Star Trek: The Next Generation had him on as “Q”.

Virgo

You need to watch some TV too, Virgo. This time it’s a Star Trek actor battling, of all people, Wonder Woman! After he was Khan the first time, Ricardo Montalbán was in the 1974 TV movie with Cathy Lee Crosby in the title role. We want you to watch to the end to see the wonderful delivery Mr. Montalbán gives the line, “I LOVE you, Wonder Woman!”

Libra

When we told you to buy new slacks to go into the office with… Ok, look. TECHNICALLY YES, it was Casual Friday. And TECHNICALLY YES, clown pants are, definitionally, “Slacks”. And because you were TECHNICALLY CORRECT, you are also TECHNICALLY going to be suggested to not do that again. At least not until late October.

Scorpio

Some stranger is going to give you life-affirming advice this week. Listen carefully to what they have to say, then ignore it. All you need to do is make them think you’re paying attention and not being rude so they’ll go away quicker.

Sagittarius

Your predecessors in New York did not listen to our warnings. We sincerely hope, for your sake, you pay better attention then they did. Getting Rest doesn’t always mean Get Sleep. Doing something entertaining can be just as good sometimes. Going down YouTube Rabbit Holes at 3am with your smartphone is an exception. Stop doing that.

Capricorn

Debating with people online isn’t the best use of your sleepless time this week, Capricorn. Invest in a set of binoculars instead. If you’re in the country you’ll get to see some amazing stars, if you’re in the city you can see some amazing late-night activities.

Aquarius

It’s finally time to decide on your Halloween costume this year. Yes, it’s a little early, but you’re going to need time to plan out what it’s going to be, find the fabric you’ll need, get the right thread, and read up on how to use a sewing machine for the fourth time. Keep Bactine on hand, just in case.

Pisces

Being a farrier is a more dangerous job than you thought it would be. Not only are you going to get kicked by the horses, but at least one of them is going to nibble on your shoulder. That isn’t the dangerous part - explaining to your significant other why you have a love bite will be.

[thegeneralreturns]

Thoughts on Birds of Prey

I don’t think it’s very good.  In fact, I think that beyond the genuinely good performances by the actors, there isn’t a single level upon which this movie works.

Birds of Prey’s story is told in a disjointed style that fractures the film’s chronology like early Tarantino or Nolan.  Which is fine in a bubble and looks good on paper, but the advantages that Tarantino and Nolan had were runtime (in the former) and just focusing on a single character (in the latter).  Birds of Prey has neither.  This kind of complicated, doubling-back storytelling means shots and lines of dialogue are replayed two or three times.  This is a one-hundred minute movie with an ensemble cast.  Real estate is both scarce and valuable, which means the movie wastes precious time being fancy at the expense of its characters.  I thought Jurnee Smollett-Bell and Mary Elizabeth Winstead were great as Black Canary and Huntress, but with what little time we spent with them at the expense of Harley, I wish the movie thought so, too.  With the approach this film took, it should have either been longer, or it should have focused more.  Birds of Prey is the closest cinematic equivalent I can think of to the ten-pounds-of-shit-in-a-five-pound-bag analogy.  And it ain’t a girl gang movie if the girls are only a gang for the last twenty minutes.

The action scenes are par for the course, but for the love of God, can we cool it with the John Wick comparisons, please?  This movie has none of those films’ immersion in their sequences.  Save for a couple of scenes near the end, director Cathy Yan is content to just sit back and watch, letting the choreography do all the work.  Which is, y’know, fine, but the praise of critics and the movie’s fans kinda got carried away.

These are my grown-up problems.  I still have one rather large comic book nerd problem with Birds of Prey.

And if I told you my favorite superhero is Cassandra Cain, you know where this is going.  Before we proceed any further, however, I should make a point to mention that I am not, nor shall I ever be, mad enough at a movie to pick on a little kid on the internet.  Ella Jay Basco did a great job with what she’s been given, and I hope the future treats her well.

But the alterations made to Cassandra Cain’s character in this movie are just baffling.  A disabled master martial artist with a more staunch no-kill rule than Superman is now a chatterbox wuss who has no problems waving guns around and blasting people to smithereens.  Everything cool, interesting, or sympathetic about her is just gone.

There are two things that make this perplexing.  The first is her inclusion in the first place.  I have a hard time believing that they put a character named Cassandra Cain in this movie in hopes of luring comic readers when DC has been trying their best to bury her since 2007.  You had Holly Robinson that could have been used, who would have provided connective tissue for the inevitable Gotham City Sirens movie when Margot Robbie’s Harley met Zoe Kravitz’s Selina Kyle.  If you need a tie into the upcoming Batgirl movie, just use Stephanie Brown.  That way, when the Batgirl movie gets here, you can use Cluemaster as a built-in villain.  Hell, you can eve keep the actress.  It’s not like Basco did a bad job, and there ain’t no rule that says Holly or Steph can’t be Asian.  Why Cass?  Why, God?

The second is how did they get her so wrong when they got everyone else so right?  All of the other central characters closely correspond with their comic book counterparts.  Hell, Black Canary is such a mess of interpretations and backstories in the comics that hammering any two of them together into something coherent is a genuine feat of good writing.  Birds of Prey namedrops places like the East End, Amusement Mile, and Robinson Park.  It’s not like these motherfuckers have never picked up a comic book before!  So how did they do everyone else so well and Cass so poorly?

You know, I really don’t give a shit about the behind-the-scenes nonsense with The Rise of Skywalker.  I really don’t.  JJ Abrams made a bad movie.  Case closed, and mystery solved.  Any Star Trek fan will tell you it happens with regularity, and it was your turn.

But The Cassandra Cain Cinematic Shitshow?  I definitely want to know what’s going on there.  I want to sit and listen as this person or these persons explain themselves.  I want to know how they thought irredeemably scorching my favorite superhero in her first big screen outing was a good idea that would sell a single ticket.  If they wrote a book, I’d buy the damned thing.

To quote a great man, whoever made these decisions was either dumb as fuck... or they did it on purpose.

[suburbantimewaster]

Here’s the first illustration I received for a fanfic, this one being Mind Games set in the universe of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and the origin of Candy Marino and Chris Patel, who can also be found in Return of the Greek Gods.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get the references right for Marino the first time but I did get them right for everyone else.  Anyway, this is drawn by s2ka from Deviantart.

Marino gave all of her attention to Shere Khan, feeling the vibration of his purrs.  All it took was one sneeze for him to get off.  She still had time before her next shift to make one call, even if it was one she dreaded.  Marino took a sip from her flask, enjoying the bubbly substance going down her throat, then finally entered her room on the right with another fan set up in the middle.  She set her personal computer on the desk and opened it.

"Computer, connect to T’Mara on Vulcan, Priority One connection, authorization Marino-Alpha-6359-Rose," Marino ordered, taking a seat.

It wasn't long until a caramel face female Vulcan with her raven hair tied in a long braid appeared on Marino's screen.

"Ensign Marino, I was expecting your call," T'Mara said, noticing the flask in Marino's hand with a disapproving gaze.

"Don't worry, it's just synthehol," Marino explained as she put it on her desk.

"Acceptable," T'Mara said with a nod.  "I suppose you have just finished making yourself at home on Deep Space Nine."

"Actually, I haven't even started," Marino admitted with a wave of her hand.  "I got caught up reading this manuscript left by the previous owner."

"What was the content of this manuscript?" T'Mara asked with clear intrigue.

"It was about looking into the mind of a Cardassian who loved torturing any Bajoran he could get his hands on," Marino explained with a smile and tone equivalent to a five-year-old girl who just tried on her first princess dress.  "Rebels, collaborators, civilians, you name it." Marino's smile faded and her tone grew more condescending.  "Though it does talk a bit too much about Cardassian superiority over other species.  Other than that, it was like reading something written by Ramsay Snow.  Only thing missing was the sigil of a flayed man."

"Considering the character of Ramsay Snow, I would imagine that Roose Bolton would be more likely to write such a tale," T'Mara told her.

"No, Roose Bolton wouldn't be stupid enough to flay a collaborator.  Remember what he told Ramsay?" Marino recalled and then adopted a serious stance.  "'If you acquire a reputation as a mad dog, you'll be treated as a mad dog.  Taken out back and slaughtered for pig feed.'"

"Logical," T'Mara acknowledged in a voice only a tiny bit away from being complete monotone.  "Speaking of Game of Thrones, when we last talked, you described being assigned to Deep Space Nine as 'being sent to The Wall without having to take a vow of celibacy and no Jon Snow to make it bearable.'  I am pleased to see that your opinion has changed."

"I'll say one thing," Marino said with a confident smile.  "You never would've found anything like that manuscript on the Prometheus."  Then she pointed to a suitcase with isolinear chips, one of them containing Game of Thrones.  "Plus, I made sure to bring that gorgeous bastard with me."

"Ah yes, your last posting," T'Mara acknowledged, completely ignoring Marino's last remark.  "I remember you compared the Prometheus to serving on a dollhouse in outer space."

"With everyone all sunshine and roses, you always knew who was good and who was bad and everyone went around talking about how we're so superior and have found the right way," Marino said, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms.

"To which you believe that there's no such thing as 'the right way,'" T'Mara said, raising her eyebrow at the last part.

"And anyone who believes that is deluding themselves," Marino said with a scoff.  "This is turning into less of a check up and more of a counseling session."

"Considering the nature of these 'check-ups,' a counseling session is inevitable," T'Mara informed Marino.  "Or are you forgetting about the incident that nearly resulted in your expulsion from Starfleet?"

"Trust me, I haven't forgotten," Marino said, taking a sip from her flask.  "It's the whole reason I got assigned to this shit bowl."

"From what you've told me, I can logically assume that the assignment is a good fit for you," T'Mara told her positively.

"Great, then the conversation's over," Marino said, about to cut the connection until T'Mara raised her hand.

"Unfortunately, you and I still have some issues to discuss," T'Mara told Marino in as harsh of a tone a Vulcan could muster.  "For instance, were there any temptations when you arrived on the station?"

"Just one," Marino said distastefully.  "When I walked into the station, I smelled booze.  I'm talking the smell of stardrifters, kanar, blood wine, Saurian brandy, and something that smelled like a citrusy wine.  Even if the smell of dust and grime mostly covered it up.  Not to mention the heat."

"Does the heat curb your cravings for alcohol?" T'Mara asked in a helpful manner.

"You'd think, but no," Marino said sardonically, resting her chin on the palm of her hand.  "Don't get me wrong, thanks to living on Vulcan for a few months, I've gotten used to three-digit degree weather.  It's Shere Khan who truly suffered."  Marino's voice filled with distress as she remembered her kitten's meows and his attempts to bathe himself with his tongue repeatedly.  "I had to set up fans all around my quarters to keep the poor little guy from overheating!"

"Considering Cardassian physiology and the average temperate of their home planet, this does not surprise me," T'Mara informed Marino.

"Then I hope Cardassian animals don't have fur, because that would be pure torture," Marino remarked bitterly.  "But we both know I didn't call you to talk about Shere Khan's suffering."

"Yes, I can sense that you are troubled by far more than your feline's suffering," T'Mara told her.  "Care to tell me what that would be?"

"I had a little run in with a blast from my past," Marino told her.

"I didn't think anyone from the Prometheus would be assigned to Deep Space Nine," T'Mara stated with confusion.

"Actually, this one isn't from the Prometheus," Marino informed her.  "He goes much further back."

* * *

Patel unpacked everything and then set his computer on the desk, seeing a message from the one member of his family he could count on.  It only took a few seconds for the face of a jet black haired young woman with a toffee complexion to appear on his screen.

"Hey, Chris," she said with a smile.  "By the time you view this, you're probably settling down in your new posting.  You know, the rundown Cardassian station you were dreading.  Well, I kind of envy you right now.  I'm still interning on Andoria," Cathy said, pouring herself a drink.  "Which makes New Jersey winters look like Gujarat."

Patel looked at the alcohol with a disapproving glance.

"I know, you don't like your baby sister drinking," Cathy said, rolling her eyes.  "But cut me some slack, I'm living on a giant ice cube."

Patel drew back with a jolt.  It was scary how well Cathy knew him.

"All right, the internship's not all bad.  I got to watch Redbats nesting in a cave!" Cathy said excitedly, putting her hands on her chest.  "Though one of them freaked out and nearly crawled through my brain."

Patel found himself peering at the top of Cathy's head, at least as much as he could see, for signs of scratches.

"Thankfully, Areliv helped me get it out," Cathy said with a dreamy smile.  "He even offered to take me out to dinner."

And Cathy's got a new boyfriend, Patel thought with both pride and worry.  Though I don't think Mom and Dad will like their daughter dating an Andorian.

"I know what you're thinking and Areliv is not my boyfriend!" Cathy insisted, though her bright red face told another story.  "He's just a friend!  A very handsome and charming friend!"  She laughed.  "All right, I'm kind of hoping that it will turn into something more." Cathy smiled brightly.  "Who knows?  Maybe Areliv and I can double date with you and Ian."

Patel's face fell.

"Anyway, I've got to go.  I'm meeting my boss in a few minutes," Cathy told him.  "Try to make the best of your assignment and, remember, our summers on Gujarat prepared you for Cardassian heat, even if it made Andorian cold almost intolerable."

Cathy closed the connection, leaving Patel staring at a black screen.

* * *

"His name's Chris Patel," Marino answered.

"Ah, yes," T'Mara said with a nod of her head.  "The childhood friend who you separated from in high school."

"We both fell into different crowds," Marino explained bitterly.  "He belonged to the hotshot squad and I belonged to the social outcasts."

"I recall you saying this during your time at the monastery," T'Mara noted.  "However, I do not recall you ever telling me that Chris did anything to personally attack you."

"Oh, he didn't," Marino stated, hoping she wouldn't have to clarify.

"Then I fail to see the problem," T'Mara said, shrugging her eyebrows.

"The problem is that I'm trying to make a new life for myself and I don't need some childhood friend telling everyone about the 'sweet little girl' I used to be," Marino said crossing her arms and rolling her eyes.

"Again, I fail to see how a childhood friend would cause you personal strife at your new duty position," T'Mara told her.

It was at that moment Shere Khan chose to jump on the desk.

"Is that the transient feline you found outside the monastary?" T'Mara asked, her brown eyes following Shere Khan.  "The one you retrieved the fans for?"

"You mean the one who was abandoned on Vulcan?" Marino said, her eyes narrowing as she remembered seeing him panting on the hot desert of her former retreat.  "He didn't really have anyone else who could take him in."

"So, you chose to make him your pet," T'Mara recalled.

"What was I supposed to do?" Marino said defensively as she took Shere Khan off of her desk and held him in her arms.  "Help the poor kitty and then abandon him to the shelter?"

"You always did have a compassion for animals," T'Mara told her, raising an eyebrow.  "People are another matter."

"Yeah, animals rock, people suck," Marino said, setting Shere Khan down on the floor, meowing loudly as he rubbed against Marino's legs.  "Sorry, wittle boy, but your mama's in the middle of something."

T'Mara raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, I'm one of those nutsos who treats their pets like their children," Marino said, folding her arms.  "Can we get back to the matter at hand?"

T'Mara raised her right eyebrow.

"Perhaps Mr. Patel will not divulge sensitive information without your approval," T'Mara told her helpfully.

"You might be right about that," Marino conceded hesitantly.  "But he might get defensive when people insult me."  She recalled his apology before contacting T'Mara.  "Plus, Chris would still have questions that I really don't want to answer."

And one of them will be answered when the CMO arrives with my medical file, Marino thought sardonically.  That'll be fun.

"I'm sure if Mr. Patel respects your privacy, then he will not force you to share information that you are uncomfortable divulging," T'Mara told her reassuringly.

"You've got a point there," Marino agreed with a reluctant nod.

"Is that all that concerns you?" T'Mara asked.

"Actually, there's one more thing..." Marino asked hesitantly, holding up her right index finger.

"Ensign Marino, Vulcans do not 'change their mind.'  You are still not permitted to imbibe any alcohol," T'Mara told her firmly.

"Wow, am I really that predictable?" Marino asked, her eyes widening.

"Yes." T'Mara answered in her usual matter of fact tone.

She has me there, she thought. When she spoke again, her voice was a little more relaxed.  "Though, you have to admit, it's going to be hard for me to 'curb my cravings' when I'm assigned to a place that smells like booze."

"Your argument is illogical since the synthehol and blitz should curb your cravings," T'Mara told her sympathetically.  "Additionally, consider the manuscript you found.  It may be logical to conclude that Deep Space Nine could give you the mental stimulation the Prometheus could not."

"Yeah, but even Deep Space Nine can't keep my brain entertained all the time," Marino concluded with her arms crossed and her head tilted to the side.  "So I might need a little pick-me-up on those slow days."

"As your sponsor, I must advise against that," T'Mara told her firmly.

"Fongool," Marino said angrily, putting her arms to her side.  "Chat with you more, but I need to unpack."

"Very well," T'Mara said with a nod.  "Remember to contact me if you feel any urges."

"Sure thing," Marino said as T'Mara held up her right hand in the traditional Vulcan greeting.

"Live long and prosper," T'Mara told her.

"I can try for the latter, but I'm not making any promises about the former," Marino told her honestly.

"Ensign Marino..." T'Mara told her in a slight warning tone.

"All right," Marino said, putting her hand up in the Vulcan salute.  "Peace and long life, Counselor."

Marino cut off the connection and looked around her quarters.  It seemed pretty standard with a desk, the typical Cardassian mattress, her bags near the door and silhouettes of paintings owned by their former occupier.  Like everyone else on the station, he left in a hurry.  She unzipped one of her bags and pulled out a few isolinear chips that contained recordings of all of her favorite songs, some of them having their own playlists.  She used her personal console and installed them all in her quarters, instructing the computer to play one at random.

"Journey," Marino exclaimed with a bright smile as the music started playing.  "Awesome!"  Emptying the contents from the rest of her luggage, she lazily threw them in the correct places in her quarters, singing along to "Don't Stop Believing," relishing in the antiquated style.

* * *

Patel turned on the connection, ready to record his outgoing message.

"Hey, Cathy," he greeted.  "Really liked hearing your message and glad to hear you're doing well, in spite of the freezing cold.  Though I might have to check this Areliv out to see if he's good enough for my sister."  He smiled to let Cathy know that he wasn't serious.  Well, not entirely.  "Things on Deep Space Nine aren't too bad and trust me when I say the heat's the least of my worries."

The doctor's smile disappeared.  "The whole place looks like a shipwrecked ghost town and knowing the history of this station doesn't help.  Let me put it this way, Candy found a manuscript of the Gul who used to live here and, by the way she talked about him, things didn't sound pleasant."  Patel's smile returned, imagining the look on Cathy's face.  "Yeah, you heard that right, Candy's my roommate.  Though, she's a little different from how we remember.  As for how, let's just say that she finally got that backbone you always said she needed to grow."

Patel's face fell.  "Also, there's something I need to tell you.  Ian and I broke up.  I know you liked him and you're sad to see him go, but it's better this way.  Our careers were taking us in different directions and we both felt that it would be better to, in archaic terms, rip the band aid off rather than leave it on until it naturally falls.  Anyway, I have to go.  Plenty of unpacking to do and I need to get the Infirmary set up for when the CMO arrives."

He closed the connection and unzipped one of his bags.  He meticulously placed everything where they belonged and realized he could hear Marino's music from across his quarters.  He had to admit that the ensign had a beautiful singing voice, but he had a hunch that he'd be listening to it way more often than he wanted to.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      * * *

[maulthots]

so yesterday we watched looking for par'mach in the all the wrong places. it made an impact.

[thegeminisage]

ok, now that i've watched all of tos (none of the movies yet...) i am going to do the top ten worst and best episodes, according to Me. they are as follows:

WORST EPISODES

10. the savage curtain - idk who thought putting abe lincoln in a cage match with the vulcan version of ghandi against like, ghengis khan and space hitler would be a good idea. but it wasn't. i did like seeing the vulcan father of logic though like "im gonna go sacrifice myself for peace" ok king

9. i, mudd - all of the mudd episodes are bad. he's not charming at all whatsoever. however, this one is better than the other one because uhura gets to pretend to sell out kirk and they're SOOO cute about it. her little giggle when he PICKS HER UP BY HER SHOULDERS and tells her how proud he is. PLEEEEASE

8. charlie x - the entire premise of this episode is that the bad guy is just autistic. and then they make him live on a planet without people because he can't adjust to normal life ???

7. shore leave - obvious racism of this episode aside, the faux-irish jig that played while kirk was being menaced by his extremely unfunny old bully nearly drove me over the edge. we DO love a good mccoy death fakeout tho

6. a piece of the action - if i had any interest in gangster films before this it's all gone now. that being said. i loved when kirk drove the little car. he was so bad at it. he was so happy.

5. mudd's women - like he's literally just selling women?? and the plot twist is that secretly they're ugly?????

4. who mourns for adonias - this is just "what if ALIENS build the pyramids bro" except for the 1960s. nail in the coffin for this one was kirk proudly declaring they didn't needs gods - because they already had the One God, thank you very much!

3. the paradise syndrome - WHY WOULD YOU HAVE NATIVE AMERICANS MISTAKE KIRK FOR GOD. WHY. like i know why but Why. i think the very worst part of this episode was that it had an amnesia plot that would have FUCKED if you had simply removed the people. if there hadn't been people in this it would've been in my top 10 episodes. i think this broke me.

2. the omega glory - this is the same as the last episode except there's no amnesia, and also the "native americans" are white cosplayers who worship the american flag and mistake kirk for god because he can recite the pledge of allegiance yes really. if i had a nickel for every time this happened i'd only have two nickels etc etc at least kirk didn't knock anybody up in this one ig

1. patterns of force - why would you make your two jewish leads wear swastikas and then literally be whipped by nazis. i know he's such a bad person but not even william shatner deserves that. number one worst episode everyone says it's omega glory but it's this one

BEST EPISODES

10. plato's stepchildren - this episode is hard to rank because like it's both good and bad. the torture scenes were genuinely upsetting, especially the ones at the end w/ spock & nurse chapel, because they weren't just violence being inflicted on tied up guys, but they were SUPPOSED to be upsetting, like it was literally the point. and also this episode bears the distinction of THEEE kirk & uhura kiss. literally historic.

9. the trouble with tribbles - i feel like everyone's heard of this but it really is as good as everyone says. sometimes 1960s humor doesn't translate to 2020s humor but it was genuinely hysterical start to finish. also, the distinct trilling sound was so imprinted in my brain i recognized it in the 2009 movie where i had never registered it before.

8. the naked time - aside from the KING SHIT george takei pulled with the fencing this episode also contains the "i am in control of my emotions [sobbing]" moment and kirk & spock LITERALLY having a slapfight. this episode has everything. an absolute masterpiece

7. the empath - i feel like this paired with "the world is hollow and i have touched the sky" really made me a Bones Understander. i feel a little bad about that bc everyone says the characterizations in s3, or actually that the season as a whole, is kinda shaky? but i watched without knowing that and i feel like i Get It now. also, this was the only score i went and relistened to on spotify

6. tholian web - the spock & mccoy episode ever. there's so many things to say about this from the death fakeout to kirk's little space suit but what TRULY got me was the instant and totally nonverbal agreement to lie straight to kirk's face to both preserve personal dignity and troll the shit out of him (while chekov and sulu are like also silently laughing as they listen in no less). what this episode made me realize was that it's a good thing they argue all the time and make kirk play referee because if they were on the same side kirk wouldn't stand a chance. like he'd be finished.

5. the city on the edge of forever - ok, so, this episode made me feel like i was having a mental break. the time travel. spock's little hat. when he watches kirk kiss edith and then goes back into their room to pretend he didn't see anything. mccoy and kirk basically hugging at the end when edith bites it.

4. requiem for methuselah - the first time i watched this i was kinda like :/ because how does kirk fall in love with a woman in FOUR HOURS? that aside the ending scene blew my tits clean off. i paced around my house for like 30 minutes going "what the FUCK was that" because i couldn't simply lie down and sleep after seeing it. rewatching the episode with uh. new context made me like it a little better. but even if it had been garbage the last scene shook me so thoroughly it would still need to be on this list. i'm getting wound up just thinking about it. number one most shocking tos moment.

3. the dagger of the mind - look, i understand that this episode was technically just run-of-the-mill stuff as far as everybody else is concerned but they put james t kirk in a little brainwashing machine. and the machine was shaped like a chair. and it gives people amnesia sometimes. i don't know how i'm expected to behave normally

2. this side of paradise - this is the episode where a flower jizzes on spock and gives him feelings. and look: it's really funny, and there's a lot to love about it. but the ending where kirk hurls verbal abuse at spock for a solid 92 seconds WITHOUT STOPPING followed by: spock beating the shit out of him until he gets his logic back. i have rewatched this perhaps 1,000 times at minimum. what the fuck were they doing

1. conscience of the king - this episode got me into this mess. i don't think i can elaborate further without significant self-incrimination. let's just say what happened was i thought "oh i'll just watch this one tos episode for context for the fanfiction" and one month later i'm writing fic about [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT

ok, that's my list. i thought about doing honorable mentions for episodes that had scenes i liked even though the overall episode didn't make it into my top 10. but then i realized that would mean recapping basically the entire series and this post is already too long. i do have to give the pon farr episode a shoutout though because even though so much of it was offputting there was literally a titty window in kirk's shirt. like, it's the pon farr episode. ok NOW i'm done

[redshirtgal]

WHAT DO JOE TORMOLEN AND A GIANT BAT HAVE IN COMMON? 

Played by the late actor Stewart Moss, LTJG Joe Tormolen (”The Naked Time”)  touches a blood stain in a research station on Psi 2000 and starts a chain of infection that spreads throughout the Enterprise. Years later in the film "The Bat People,” Moss again portrays a character who becomes infected, but this time by a bat . But he is not the only actor Trek fans will recognize in this strange tale.

Also known as "It Lives By Night," the movie begins with Dr. Becker (Stewart Moss) and his wife Cathy on their honeymoon and moves to their visit to the local caverns. While there, Becker is bitten by a fruit bat and undergoes a long, tortuous transformation into a grotesque looking bat. Don't ask- this is one strange film, although it has its charms. Cathy is played by Moss's own wife, Marianne McAndrew. 

Terrified by all the changes and the fear that he may be responsible for several murders that have occurred, Becker consults Dr. Kipling (Paul Carr who played Lee Kelso in "Where No Man Has Gone Before").  At first, the good doctor believes he has a form of rabies and treats him accordingly. Naturally, this does not work too well. At some point, Dr. Kipling does what some doctors always seem to do when they don’t know what’s wrong - he tells Becker that this is all in his head. Despite the dead bodies that have been found, which attracts the attention of.... 

Sgt. Ward, a police detective who decides to take on the investigation. He also decides that Cathy looks a bit lonely, what with her husband going out at night to bite the necks of sexy young girls.  So now you have a strange love triangle going on on top of everything else.  If Ward looks familiar, it is because he is actually Michael Pataki whom we remember as Korax, the Klingon officer in "The Trouble with Tribbles. 

And the final Trek actor involvement is Stan Barrett as the stunt coordinator for the movie. He had played the jailor in "All Our Yesterdays." Unfortunately, we have no photos of him in this film. And we will not reveal the rather uninspiring but predictable ending. You have to see it for yourself. 

Stewart Moss will be fondly remembered by Trek fans for his two roles in Star Trek. Still, this film is also an interesting footnote to his life. It has the distinction of being featured by Mystery Science Theater 3000 and named among IMDb's 100 Worst Films.  But if you are a fan of cheesy Grade B horror flicks, it’s worth a watch.

[chitarra10]

So check this out... this is Cousin Teo wearing the Star Trek shirt I surprised her with yesterday from all the way back here in the USA. :-)  I don’t remember if I mentioned this in my picture posts, but Cousin Teo was kinda just “meh” about Star Trek before, but Aunt Cathy is my fellow sci-fi Trekkie nerd, and she mentioned to me a few months before the trip that she hadn’t seen the 3 new movies yet.  So I put my DVD’s of all 3 movies into my backpack and brought them with me to Panama so we could watch them.  We ended up watching them all twice because they loved them so much. :-)  After the first round of viewings, Cousin Teo decided that she’s now a Star Trek AOS fan, and she very quickly developed a huge crush on Zachary Quinto... I can’t say I blame her, he really is quite beautiful. :-)

She saw me wearing a shirt just like this... well, actually mine is a cheap $5 knock-off, but this one that I gave her is the authentic one from StarTrek.com :-)... and Aunt Cathy and I happen to overhear her add a tiny little tag onto the end of something the was praying, asking God for a shirt like mine.  But she said it in such a way that it was quite clear to me that she was only saying it because she didn’t really consider herself or her prayer important enough to warrant an answer from God.  Two things immediately crossed my mind.  1) In the Bible, Jesus says straight up to his followers in John 14:13-14, “You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father.  Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.“  2) The day before, I just had a rather in-depth discussion about prayer with one of the other missionaries in which I said that we all should be willing to let God use us to answer other people’s prayers because people are the main method God uses to answer prayers.  And then I started to ask myself if I was gonna take this opportunity to literally put my money where my mouth is and be the answer to a prayer that I was completely capable of... especially in the middle of a mission. X-)  It’s just a t-shirt, otherwise nothing groundbreaking or world-changing, however I suddenly started to see it as something that could be a reminder to Cousin Teo that God really does hear her prayers and really will answer them.  And that’s what made it so important. :-)

So I motioned Aunt Cathy over to the room where my mother and I were staying, and I whispered to her not to tell Cousin Teo because I wanted it to be a surprise, but I wanted to buy her the shirt, and I asked her what size I should get.  Aunt Cathy smiled widely at me, hugged me, said thank you, told me which size, and said thank you again. :-)  Then I grabbed my tablet, made sure Cousin Teo couldn’t see the screen, ordered the shirt online, and had it shipped to Aunt Cathy.  The shipping date ended up being long after Mom and I left for home, so I asked Aunt Cathy to get a video of Teo’s reaction when she saw it. :-)  And just yesterday, Aunt Cathy did that for me... it was so awesome, I was smiling so hard that my face almost cramped X-)... and then she posted this picture on Facebook of Cousin Teo posing happily with the shirt on. :-)

So it may be “just a t-shirt,” but to Cousin Teo, it’s a little faith booster that can always remind her that God does answer prayers and that she doesn’t ever need to feel like she’s not important enough to ask. :-)  And I considered it an honor to get to be the one to give her that. :-)

[ladyjstruth-blog]

Quatre & Trowa Spend an Evening at a Carnival (Excerpt from Back to Reality)

Already it was near dusk by the time they were walking along the harbor pier that hosted a small Carnival year round. The bright lights were on, crazy carnival noises and local radio broadcasts carried across the pier from many of the attractions.

The two walked in between rows of game tents while avoiding crashing into children as the little urchins ran headlong through the crowd. Trowa's sudden change in behavior seemed to have been something of a dream like it had never happened and Quatre was munching contentedly on a bag of cotton candy (it was his second) while Trowa held a large stuffed panda bear that he'd won at a shooting booth. Trowa smiled at Quatre's love for sweets.

"You have such a sweet tooth." He commented casually, glancing down at the smaller youth.

The blonde smiled and shrugged, pulling out a small handful of the fluffy pink stuff. "I've got a good dentist," he replied offhandedly. His quip answer provoked a deep chuckle from the tall acrobat, causing Quatre to falter a step. The sound almost made him melt. He recovered quickly though and Trowa didn't seem to notice.

Relief washed over the young multi-millionaire. He could handle executives and siblings hounding him about WEI on top of his school work, during exams no less, but he wasn't sure he could handle Trowa's reaction to Quatre spilling his guts about his feelings toward him.

Especially when the blonde got the impression that Trowa wasn't exactly batting for his team, so to speak.

As much as Quatre was attracted to his former comrade in arms, he was too afraid of ruining their friendship to say anything. The last thing he wanted was to scare off the one person he wanted to get closest to for something that might not even work.

Trowa's voice cut sharply into Quatre's internal dilemma.

"Quatre, want to go take the ferry around the harbor?" The taller boy was looking at him expectantly and Quatre figured it hadn't been the first time he'd been asked that question.

"Oh, yeah…sure," replied the blonde as he hurriedly finished the last of the cotton candy, throwing the bag away as they stepped onto the ferry boat. The crowd was fairly large already and the air inside the enclosed area of the boat was too stifling, so Trowa led the way out onto the open deck.

They stopped near the railing, Quatre allowing his school bag to drop to the floor unceremoniously at his feet, leaning with his forearms on the rail. He looked into the gloomy black waves of the water as they pulled away from the dock, allowing them to take his thoughts with them.

Trowa stood, straight and erect with his hands in his pockets, panda bear resting against his leg, and taking in the colorful lights of the harbor. His eyes soon drifted over to the blonde by his side only a few feet away. He couldn't help but enjoy the view.

Quatre was turning into a very naturally attractive young man. He felt the urge to run his hand through that beautiful golden blonde hair, gently trail his fingers down Quatre's neck, whisper sweet nothings in his ear while his hands slipped down across his back sending ripples of pleasure across the younger boy's body, and lower to his waist, and then continuing even lower…

Trowa was startled, as much as the usually composed ex-Gundam pilot could be anyway, out of his less than innocent thoughts about his friend by a question spoken so softly he almost didn't catch it. "When will you leave?" asked the blonde, looking up at Trowa, searching for an answer he knew wouldn't be there.

The brunette shrugged, not picking up on the hidden meaning underneath the simple question. "A week, maybe longer if we do well enough." He watched as Quatre casually turned around, leaning his back against the rail, stuffing his hands in his pockets and gazing up at the few stars that weren't obscured by the bright lights of the city. The blonde closed his eyes and sighed, causing a guilty knot to form in Trowa’s stomach. "Not long enough is it?" he asked.

Quatre shook his head. "It wouldn't be nearly so bad, you know, if you would write or call or…something, every once in awhile," Quatre accused with a bit more vehemence than he had intended.

"Duo and Wufei at least contact me once in awhile and I talk to Relena enough to know what Heero's up to...As much as you're allowed to know what he's up to anyway. But I don't hear a word from you until you show up out of the blue. Not one, Trowa." Quatre looked over his shoulder to meet Trowa's eyes with his own. "What's up with that? I thought we were closer than that," he finished quietly, fighting desperately to keep the tears from welling up in his eyes and the pathetic quiver out of his voice. He was suddenly very angry with Trowa and also very hurt, but he didn't want to collapse into a blubbering mess in front of the guy.

Trowa didn't react, just met Quatre's gaze coldly. The brunette saw the tears in his eyes threatening to get the better of his friend and the knowledge that he was the cause pained him. He knew he owed Quatre a better explanation than he could give. There wasn't any good reason Trowa was willing to admit to that kept him from making contact with him up until today, so he kept silent. He saw a flash of anger in those vibrant blue eyes, and then an expression of defeat as Quatre dropped his head to stare dejectedly at the deck.

Quatre blinked the tears away and waited until he trusted his voice before changing the subject. "How'd you find me anyway?" he asked curiously. Any hint of anger or pain was gone from his voice, replaced by faint curiosity. "I mean, it's not exactly like I announced what school I was attending and Wilmington has a very strict code on privacy for exactly that reason".

"I hacked into all of the private schools' databases in the surrounding area until I found you," Trowa replied nonchalantly, looking back out across the water. "It's not like it was hard," he added as an afterthought.

In spite of his annoyance of Trowa's lack of interest in keeping in contact with him, Quatre chuckled at his answer. He should have guessed that that was how he had done it. Just because they didn't necessarily have to hack into places anymore didn't mean that they still couldn't.

"Old habits, I suppose" commented the blonde, looking back up at the sky. The stars made him think of the colonies, which in turn, made him think about the ESUN, followed closely by thoughts of the Republic. "We're going to war again Trowa," he said with a painful finality in his tone.

"It’s highly likely, yes," replied the taller brunette. He turned to face Quatre fully and moved closer to the blonde. The change in personal space brought Quatre's attention from the sky back to Trowa, who was now only inches from him. He felt his throat constrict and it took all of his willpower not to look away from the determined look that he found in the other’s eyes.

"There is a chance though, that the Republic has merely taken up mobile suites because they feel threatened by the ESUN, optimistically speaking anyway. And a large part of me wants to believe that," Trowa continued. "But if the Republic does go to war against the ESUN, I'm ready to fight again. I have no doubt that Relena will ask us for help if it comes to that. But until she does or the Republic declares war, whichever comes first, I'll stay with the circus. I'm not yet willing to leave Cathy for a maybe."

Quatre stared into Trowa's eyes for a moment before looking back over his shoulder at the harbor dock with all its radiant lights edging closer as the ferry boat made its slow trek back to port. "It's a shame," he thought out loud. "I had just gotten used to being a normal high school student. It was nice."

Trowa could see the conflicting feelings raging within his friend. Out of all the pilots, Quatre was one of two who had previously held a relatively normal lifestyle, even if it hadn't exactly been all happy days and sunshine.

The war between Earth and the space colonies that surrounded the Earth which he had so actively participated in, the constant conflict with and eventual death of his pacifist father followed immediately by the death of his sister, and the overall baggage one accumulates during a war had changed him significantly. Hardly normal for a fifteen-year-old, but in spite of such traumatic events he had forged a new life as a civilian quite successfully. Something none of the others had managed to accomplish.

And now, thanks to this new Republic of Eurussia, it was all getting yanked away because Quatre wasn't the type of person to stand aside and watch everything he had worked to achieve get destroyed.

Trowa couldn't imagine how it must feel to the kind hearted seventeen-year-old. Trowa had never been an overly expressive individual and his upbringing amongst mercenaries hadn’t exactly promoted sensitivity. But he could see the confusion, fear, anger, and determination in his friend's eyes. At that moment, all he wanted to do was comfort him. Let him know that despite whatever happened in the future everything would be okay.

Before he realized what he was doing, he had brought a curled index finger underneath Quatre's chin, gently forcing the blonde to look him in the eyes. "Quatre."

Quatre's breath hitched as Trowa tenderly coerced him to meet his gaze. Butterflies made themselves known in his stomach, he felt his heart pound hard against his chest and somewhere in the back of his head he prayed that Trowa couldn't feel his pulse.

Quatre was powerless to do anything other than stare up into those wonderful green eyes. He was also becoming increasingly more aware of how close they were to each other. Just one more step and their bodies would touch.

"Trowa…I..." Quatre started as he made to move closer. The intimacy was lost however when, just as Quatre had moved toward the other pilot, his cell phone rang. Buzzing obnoxiously in his back pocket, Quatre cursed under his breath as he reached to silence the thing. At the same time, he was painfully aware that Trowa had promptly withdrawn his hand, which had felt so comforting to the blonde, and had backed away a few paces.

Returning to his original position, Trowa watched calmly as Quatre fished the offending gadget out of his pocket. Casting the stoic young man a look of apology at the intrusion, he noticed the caller was Rashid.

Cursing again, a little louder this time, Quatre pressed the answer button.

Full story can be found on AO3 at: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9327206/chapters/21135179

[accountingfortaste]

The Biggest Logic Hole in the History of Cinema

by Clay Keller

I wish it didn’t have to be like this. Generally speaking, there’s nothing wrong with Clark Johnson’s S.W.A.T. (2003); it’s a relatively diverting LAPD action thriller with a surprisingly solid, “in-their-prime,” cast.* Under different circumstances, producer Neal H. Moritz’s 2 Fast 2 Furious follow-up could be remembered for any number of things. It could be remembered for the cracker jack airplane paintball training sequence, or for LL Cool J’s preposterous abdominal muscles, or perhaps even for Gamble, Jeremy Renner’s emo ex-S.W.A.T. villain, who definitely looks like this:

But that would be under different circumstances. As things are, all of the positive aspects of the fourth of five (!) Colin Farrell movies released in 2003 are overshadowed by the fact that this film contains the single most inexplicable logic hole / paradox in the history of movies.

At this point, you might be saying to yourself, “I don’t remember those parts of the movie that are supposedly ‘overshadowed’ by that other part of the movie that I don’t remember.” And you’d be right, because you don’t care about S.W.A.T., no one does.

But you’re about to.

Part One: The Theme Song

S.W.A.T was not the first time that a television show was adapted into a feature film. In fact, without doing any research, I’d venture to guess that S.W.A.T. isn’t even the second or third time this happened. And when a television show is adapted for the big screen, it is commonplace to include some kind of winking, self aware, moment that lets the audience know that the filmmakers are aware that the story they are telling is derived from a different story that was previously told on a different medium. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson sharing a scene with the actors who played the original Starsky and Hutch in Starsky and Hutch (2004) comes to mind, or the “does she always look like she’s in slow-motion?” joke from the trailer for Baywatch (2017). There are many more examples, but since those are the only ones that immediately came to mind, they must be the best.

Considering that long, proud tradition, it isn’t unreasonable that the people behind S.W.A.T. wanted to throw in a reference or two to the ol’ TV show. In fact, the fans would expect no less! And the references begin subtly enough, with the famous theme song from the show, originally composed by Barry De Vorzon, woven into the fabric of the score of the film, composed by Elliot Goldenthal. This is great, a nice little nod to the TV show that instantly evokes jaunty 70’s police fun without being too on-the-nose or distracting. Plus, since the characters in movies cannot hear the score music, having the original theme song present there doesn’t create any irreparable tears in the foundational logic of the world of the movie.

So far, so good. But then…

Midway through the movie, after successfully passing the aforementioned airplane paintball trial and officially becoming a S.W.A.T. unit, our heroes go out for a celebratory BBQ dinner. They laugh, drink, ogle Ladies Love Cool James’ abs, listen to a somber speech by Sam Jackson about the unacceptability of dying, and then begin singing the theme song from S.W.A.T. the TV show. All of them. In unison.

At first blush this may not seem like an issue. After all, the S.W.A.T. theme song is simple and catchy. Real-life S.W.A.T. teams probably sing it all the time, like how pilots are constantly humming the Wings theme, and you can’t walk past a fire station without hearing some firefighter jamming out Third Watch on an electric keyboard. The issue comes with the realization that this particular S.W.A.T. team is in a movie directly based on the TV show that this song originates from, sharing their names and characteristics with the characters from said show. If the TV show existed in the world of the movie, and they all know it well enough to spontaneously break out singing the theme, surely by now one or more of them would have had the existential meltdown that comes with noticing that you and your friends have the exact same names as a fictional S.W.A.T. team from a thirty year old television show. Surely.

But maybe not.

While this seems like a fairly egregious oversight, it isn’t completely damning, and, with a little bit of “deleted scene hypothesizing,” can be explained away. Perhaps in the world of S.W.A.T., that catchy theme song did not originate with Mr. De Vorzon and the Aaron Spelling-produced show, which of course couldn’t exist, but rather with our heroes themselves, composed at some point in the course of the narrative and adopted as a personal pump-up jam. As far as I know, such a scene does not exist, but easily could, and would make an excellent addition to one of the films myriad training montages:

For this theory to hold water, one needs to assume that Oscar-nominated composer Marc Shaiman would be friends with Samuel L. Jackson’s Sgt. Dan “Hondo” Harrelson, but Shaiman seems very likable, so I buy it.

Whew, that was close. Clark Johnson, screenwriter David Ayer, and company, almost obliterated the reality of their film for a tossed-off joke, but with a little creative thinking on the part of the audience, the movie can continue on, unabated. All they need to do now is avoid making any more references to…

Part Two: The Actual Goddamn Show

… oh come on.

Mere minutes after the movie’s first flirtation with smashing through the fourth wall like the Kool-Aid Man, we find our heroes enjoying a much-deserved day off.

Sgt. Hondo and Lt. Velasquez (Reg E. Cathy) are putting in some time on the links…

… while Deacon takes his kids shopping…

… TJ (Josh Charles) has a predictably douchey (lunch?) date at a French restaurant…

… Sanchez (Michelle Rodriguez) tests Street’s step-dad potential with a backyard water gun fight…

… and Boxer (Brian Van Holt) shirks his household chores…

… while kicking back on the couch with a lukewarm Dr. Pepper…

… and blithely watching everything he thought he knew about the universe be thrown into utter chaos.

Well, shit. So much for the airtight “personal team theme song composed for them by Oscar-nominated composer Marc Shaiman” theory. This scene confirms it: the TV show S.W.A.T., a spin-off of The Rookies that aired from 1975–1976, exists in the world of the movie. The reason everyone was able to sing the theme song during that scene in the BBQ restaurant is because they are all aware (and presumably fans) of the TV show, S.W.A.T., which, again, exists.

How is it possible, in light of this new information, that every single last goddamn fucking scene in this movie doesn’t play out like so:

It just doesn’t make sense! All things considered, the movie S.W.A.T. should be about regular blue collar cops who, after bearing witness to a glitch in the space-time continuum, slowly lose their minds as they become feverishly obsessed with figuring out how this is possible and if they can fix this broken reality. Not one drug lord should be apprehended from a flaming private jet, not one beach dramatically ran upon by a dripping-wet Colin Farrell. Who has time for that kinda crap in the midst of their psyche slowly cracking into a million pieces? S.W.A.T. should essentially be the same movie as Jake Gyllenhaal’s Enemy, but with significantly more hair gel and leather cuffs; there’s no reason it doesn’t end with every character either dead, in an institution, or facing down a spider the size of a bus.

Part Three: Theories

Honestly, the time for excuses is over. The stretch that was necessary to explain away the theme song gaffe was just barely short enough that I was willing to make it. This, however, is a bridge too far. By including a clip from the actual show, S.W.A.T. earned itself the dubious honor of having The Biggest Logic Hole In The History Of Cinema, full-stop.

However, in blatant defiance of the sentence immediately preceding this one, I am not going to stop, but rather press forward, with a collection of theories that attempt to bring sense to the nonsensical, and fill The Biggest Logic Hole In The History Of Cinema.

Each theory will be followed by points both for, and against.

Theory 1: The characters in the movie all love S.W.A.T. so much that they legally changed their names to those of the characters on the show.

Ok, maybe? But since none of the characters know each other at the beginning of the film, that means they all did this very weird thing independent of each other, and just coincidentally all picked different characters. Then to top it off, they were all recruited for the job that the fictional character that they named themselves after also had, and in the same unit, no less. And then they never spoke about it.

Actually, no. For the one, the probability of that happening is infinitesimal, and for two we know from the movie that Hondo didn’t recruit people based on their names, he recruited them based on their willingness to beat the hell out of suspects, and enjoy “good old fashioned American hot dogs.” Plus, if it was some pro-level “The Secret” shit, they would go on about it non-fucking-stop and they’d be on, like, The Talk, if that’s still a show.

Theory 2: It’s the holodeck, from Star Trek

“Whoa, these theories sure went off the rails quick, didn’t they?” Why yes, they did. The theories went off the rails with a quickness that is in direct proportion to the insanity of the hole.

S.W.A.T. officer Michael Boxer (the grinning layabout we see watching S.W.A.T. on his couch) is actually Lt. Mike Boxer, a security officer on a Galaxy Class starship that isn’t the Enterprise, I don’t know their names, but one of the other ones. Since nothing ever fucking happens out in space (remember, not the Enterprise), Lt. Boxer stares wistfully out at the stars, lost in nostalgic reveres about the good ol’ days of cops and international drug kingpins, until he remembers that there is a holodeck and he can just go and do the damn thing. So, not unlike Capt. Picard and his 40s private eye fantasies, Lt. Boxer wiles away the hours in his program set in 2003 Los Angeles, because really, was there ever a better place and moment in American history?

I’m still thinkin’ no. If this is Boxer’s program, which is assumed because he’s the one who is unequivocally aware of the show, why is he not the lead? Hell, he isn’t even on the poster! Who writes themselves into something as a supporting character who gets shot and has to sit out the entire climax of the story? Unless this is some sort of reverse- Lt. Barclay situation, where in real life Boxer is the cock of the walk and his secret fantasy is to be background bullet fodder… I don’t know. I’ll chalk this one up as a “possible.”

(You: “Wait, the author snarkily implies that, like all cool people, he knows the bare-minimum necessary about Star Trek, but then invokes occasional guest character Lt. Barclay as a reference? Just how much does he actually know about Star Trek: The Next Generation? Is he secretly a big The Talk fan as well?” Me: “Fuck you, that’s how much.”)

Theory 3: Michael Boxer is a bored immortal and/or interdimensional being

This theory is similar to the holodeck theory, but with a less proprietary mythology. Basically, Boxer is an ancient, and possibly interdimensional, being who loved the television show S.W.A.T. so much that he decided his late-20th century game would be organically recreating the program, with real people and real situations. He Marty McFly-ed all of the heroes’ parents (“You know a name I’ve always liked? Hondo...”) then took up some sort of mentorship role during their youths (a teacher, coach, surprisingly wise vagrant, etc) to subtly nudge them in the direction of law enforcement. Boxer has had millennia of practice with human Rube Goldberg puzzles like this, so he’s really fucking good at it and it works like a charm.

“If he was an influential part of their young adulthoods, why doesn’t anyone recognize him as such?” Easy, the mustache. Next.

“Why does he allow himself to be shot at the end of the second act?” Because he needs to take himself out of the situation in order for his little baby birds to fly on their own. Next.

“What about the continued existence of the show? And knowledge of the theme song?” In his capacity as wise vagrant, he indoctrinated his pupils with the idea that television is evil and should be avoided at all costs. As for the song? Welcome back to the game, Clay’s Perfect Marc Shaiman Theory From Earlier!

Holy shit, you guys. I think we did it. We patched the biggest logic hole in the history of cinema. Congrats, Brian Van Holt! Here you’ve been for the last fifteen years thinking you played seventh banana in a moderately successful PG-13 franchise non-starter, when you were actually playing omniscient god-like banana in a moderately successful PG-13 franchise non-starter. I’m glad we were able to do you this service. You can now be at peace.

Part Four: What Come Next?

As you are no doubt already aware, the S.W.A.T. legacy is far from concluded. A new version of the series, from The Shield creator Shawn Ryan and Fast Five director Justin Lin, is premiering this fall on CBS. Oddly, it is an adaptation of both the TV show and the movie, since it incorporates the Chris Sanchez character that was originated by Michelle Rodriguez in the film.

This begs the question, will ageless interdimensional trickster god Michael Boxer also appear in the new series? According to imdb it would seem that he does not show up in the pilot, but that doesn’t mean much. Scripts can be rewritten. Pilots can be re-shot. Just imagine the narrative possibilities of adding a TV-obsessed, all-powerful, immortal character to a gritty LA police / social drama. I’m not saying that it will be better, because that is obvious, and I am not in the habit of redundantly pointing out the obvious.

Do with this information what you will, Shawn Ryan. I know you’ll make the correct choice.

In Conclusion:

*S.W.A.T. is actually a pretty damn good time. Underrated. Check it out. 

[rallamajoop]

The curious parallel evolution of The Man from UNCLE and The Avengers

I’m starting to need a proper tag for "things I read or watched because of UNCLE" -- case in point, this post involves two different examples of the genre. One is C.W. Walker's book Investigating The Man from UNCLE, which I'm still reading now. Though it inevitably covers a lot of the same territory as John Heitland's book on UNCLE's history (and, admittedly, in somewhat less casually accessible fashion), it also adds a real wealth of new background detail and insight to the subject. I'm sure I'll get around to writing up a proper review once I'm done -- but for now, here's a few specific details that caught my eye. One of the more curious items of trivia from Heitland's notes was the information that, early in development, there was at one point to be a supporting character variously named "Mary Smith" or "Doris Franklyn": an out-of-work actress who would assist Napoleon during his adventures. Walker, happily, provides rather more detail about what her role was to be -- making it clear that she was actually supposed to function as Napoleon’s partner in Norman Felton’s early drafts.

Even at this early stage, Solo would be a loner in name only. Described as Solo's "confidant," Mary Smith is a talented, if struggling, actress who also happens to be multilingual and something of a chameleon. She is ready to hop a plane to anywhere in the world to assume any number of identities as needed, though these masquerades "will always be in the realm of believably." The synopsis indicates that Mary Smith may experience some conflict between advancing her career and assisting Solo, but inevitably she will join him because there is a "bond" between them.

What stands out about this concept -- a professional male spy paired with a skilled female amateur -- is that Felton seems to have unwittingly hit upon the formula behind another 60's spy show, which was already airing on British TV: The Avengers (not to be confused with Marvel's Avengers, with which it shares nothing but the name, and the paradoxical lack of interest in revenge as a motivator behind most of its adventures). For those unfamiliar, The Avengers followed the adventures of a professional spy by the name of John Steed, and his various non-professional partners -- the most significant of whom were women. Exactly what agency Steed works for is never specified, nor (as far as I can uncover) why he relies so much on regular amateur helpers, most of whom have no connection to his current case, but it draws on so many of the same tropes as UNCLE that there's plenty of basis for comparison between the two.

The other reason I checked out The Avengers, however, was based on the reputation of Steed's partner from the second and third seasons -- Cathy Gale, a mature, well-spoken, quick-witted, judo-flipping heroine -- a character arguably years ahead of her time. I could go on at length about how great Cathy is, but it's really not that relevant here -- what you really need to know is that the show is even better remembered for her successor, Emma Peel, who joined the show just as it secured a US broadcasting deal and a corresponding jump in budget. Like Cathy, Emma was a talented, well-educated amateur, and as capable as Steed in hand-to-hand combat. Though both she and Cathy clearly had much more successful day-jobs and probably much more expensive educations than Doris Franklyn, the parallels are hard to miss.

Was this early UNCLE concept, then, directly inspired by The Avengers? The tale of UNCLE's genesis does start with a visit by Norman Felton to the UK in the early 60's, where a woman from the BBC gave him the idea of writing something about a different kind of hero. The Avengers isn't a BBC series, so he's unlikely to have heard much about it in the office, but it might have been showing on TV while he was there, depending on the time of year. It's conceivable that Felton might have caught an episode or two of the first or second season while in the UK -- but both Walker and Heitland's accounts agree that it didn't even occur to Felton to write something about spies until much later. Walker talks at length about the connections between UNCLE and the existing Bond franchise, between the UNCLE fanbase and the later one for Star Trek, but The Avengers isn't mentioned anywhere. I suppose it's possible that some semi-conscious memory of an episode or two of some spy show he saw in the UK might have been in Felton's mind as he dreamed up his new show, but it would be a big stretch even to suggest it. As best we can guess in retrospect, the similarities seem to be little more than coincidence. But the story only gets stranger when Sam Rolfe comes aboard -- because Rolfe, according to Walker, had his own proto-UNCLE concept kicking around at the time Felton contacted him for help in developing the series. Called The Dragons and St. George, Rolfe got as far as writing a pilot script that was never produced. The titular St. George was actually to be an agent who worked for the United Nations "above and beyond the law, unofficially aiding law enforcement agencies with difficult or unusual cases." Moreover, St. George was assisted by two amateur companions:

The first is rich, handsome, blond Lance Mordred, an ex-racing car driver who suffered a devastating accident and whose face is now swathed in gauze. Lance's damaged body parts have been replaced with those of volunteer donors, and with each donation, Lance has also acquired the skills or special talent attached to the donated part. The second is Lance's wife, Laura, "a cool, classic beauty," an ex-actress who can take on various roles, chameleon-like. "Whatever the mind can conceive, she can create".

Putting aside the Frankenstein-inspired side-kick, there's plenty of what would become UNCLE in this concept -- but even more of The Avengers. An agent working for an international agency, assisted by two talented amateurs? Once again, we’re right back with John Steed. If Rolfe had ever seen or even heard of The Avengers himself though, the knowledge seems to have been lost to history. Again, the similarities seem most likely to be little more than bizarre coincidence. But the story goes on:

Considering the similarity between Felton's Doris Franklyn and The Dragons and St. George's Laura Modred, it seems odd that Rolfe would purposely leave out Doris. Nevertheless, he did, adding that it would appear "cheapskate" if so large and powerful an organization as UNCLE should be forced to use an unemployed actress instead of a special agent to do the job.

And there, in a nutshell, Rolfe outlines exactly why the idea of a part-time actress being called in to assist Napoleon on his missions confused me so much when I first encountered it in Heitland's account -- and, moreover, why I struggled so much to get into The Avengers: If Napoleon and Steed work for such important agencies, why in god's name are they reduced to recruiting unpaid help to do their jobs?

Are their assistants supposed to be so swept up in the excitement that they don't care? Rolfe's polymath racing car driver at least had the justification being able to bring a truly unique skill set to the job, but Emma Peel and Mary Smith have no such excuse. It makes sense that Napoleon might recruit an innocent connected to a case occasionally, but once they become a regular, they should at least be able to expect a salary and some sort of pension plan in return for risking their lives. In fact, unlike Steed's first (male) partner, no reason is ever given for why Cathy or Emma assist him at all: episodes that would have introduced them were recut and shunted back into the TV schedule, so that they first appear as his partners without any explanation at all. The uncomfortable subtext, that the contribution of women like Emma and Mary needs no official recognition, because the men involved may take it for granted, is about as ugly as it comes. I doubt it was intended, but the casual de-valuing of women's work doesn't speak well of the values of the decade. If anything, it says rather too much. Nevertheless, that three different creators all independently managed to hit upon variations on this theme within a couple of years of one another in the 60's must mean something, and if no-one was copying anyone else, then the possibility still remains that all were responding to some still older source of inspiration. Perhaps, in imagining their fantasy super-spies, dropping in to help solve unusual cases like some sort of government-sanctioned Doctor Who, they were all subconciously drawing on the Sherlock Holmes archtype, where the genius crime-fighter comes accompanied by his personal Watson equivalent. Perhaps, as with the Innocents formula that UNCLE eventually settled upon, they hoped to draw on the fantasy that anyone could wind up partnering James Bond. Perhaps they simply thought it would be more interesting if one of their protagonists wasn't a full-time professional. Two out of the three appear to have given little if any thought to the less fortunate implications of the concept. Nor, apparently, did most of the audience of The Avengers back in its own day. In any case, it's certainly for the best that Felton and Rolfe wound up revising their concept of UNCLE before it made it to the screens -- not just because that would have denied us the much-beloved UNCLE we got, but also because The Avengers already existed. The world didn’t particularly need another secret agent with a full-time-amateur assistant, but the idea of partnering an American agent and a Russian was even more daring, and it’s highly unlikely anyone else would have come up with it independently (let alone managed to get it to screen) had Rolfe and Felton not hit upon the idea.